The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Pt. 10 - 10 Minute Podcast in Daytona Beach, Florida

Episode Date: March 29, 2016

Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon and Barnes & Noble Doug, Junior Stopka, Sean Rouse, Chad Shank, Brian J Weiner, and Chaille review the failed first attempt at the Bill Burr Puppet Act. Doug is in Daytona Beach, Florida during Spring Break 2016. Doug decided to keep drinking and do 10 minute podcasts throughout the day.   Recorded March 26, 2016 in Daytona Beach, FL with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS: Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool - https://www.dougstanhopescelebritydeathpool.com/ Pre Order Doug's book "Diggin Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon and Barnes & NobleDoug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, can you do some bartending, Tracy? Yeah, yeah. What are you drinking? What do you prefer? We don't have tonic. We have vodka soda. We have Jack and Coke. I got tonic upstairs.

He said tonic, so we got tonic. Is this thing on? Yes. It will be. Get my phone in the other bag. Can you ice me? No, I'm going to keep doing Jack and Coke. All right.

Rouse. I'll go get my ice, too. Do you remember? Were you fucking with me last night? Because I thought I was way drunker than you. You couldn't seem to grasp the Bob Biggerstaff, you being the puppet. What was the name? Oh, yeah.

Was it Woody and something? Senior Bob and Smarty Pants. Smarty Pants, that's what it was. When he'd carry me up. Honestly, it would go at least comic viral. You look so much like Bill Burr when you're on that stage here. The stage where we're playing, it's a banquet room. So the spotlight they have is an overhead light that goes straight down.

So it looks like Halloween, pumpkin vision. But he looks so much like Bill Burr, and Junior does the perfect Bill Burr impression, so we're going to have him as the puppet, hopefully. If we could just get 45 minutes, I mean, a second, sorry, 45 seconds on a clip of you just yap your jaw, just like you did with Bigger Staff. Yeah, I've tried to get Biggerstaff

to do it again lately, and he won't do it. No, he's going to do it. I know what you're saying. But, that would... Yeah, I don't know. We'd have to practice it, and then Biggerstaff would fucking want to fight you. It's 45 seconds. I know. Biggerstaff would want to fight you?

No, no, I'm just saying. He's a weirdo. So he won't do it again. You know what I mean? He won't do it, but he'd get pissed off. I've been trying to tell you. You're like a white kettle calling the fucking Skittle Black or however that works. Bigger staff is weird compared to you.

Do you remember the last time we saw each other? You tried to fight me at 8.30 at night at the goddamn Melrose Improv in front of David Spade, who I just met for the first time, and we're having a dialogue, and then you're sitting next to me at 8.30 at night. You took a bus there. Oh, yeah. And his girlfriend is saying, hey, this guy's weirding me out.

Yeah. And I go, oh, don't worry about him. That's my buddy, Shawnee Rouse. And I touched your head. You patted me on the head. Yeah. And then you fucking bowed up to me. You got out of your seat, which is a Herculean task for him to just stand up. And you go, you touched my fucking head again.

And Dave is like, yeah, I think we're going to have to go. I don't remember that last part. Of course you don't. And then Dave at the bar is like, Shawnee, I got to cut you off. Yeah. That's happened before. But you fucking crushed last night. Oh, thank you.

That was a blast. It was a good time. It took a team. People rushing the stage. To protect me. It's just, I was thinking, it's just, you know, they think, oh, man, I could have, you know. You know, they just know. They look at my hands and they just, you know, this motherfucker's vulnerable.

It's so fucking funny. You won't get called sexist, but you know you're not going to lose. Wiener, he showed, show up your cripple hand. The chick. Huh? Not waste this on a podcast, because people can't see the hand, but it's already on a podcast.

He shows his cripple hand. Now I'm going to have to jerk off with this. His rheumatoid arthritis hand. He goes, and this is the one they fixed. This is the good one. He's holding a beer in that one. They're going to fix this next. So it's as good as this.

The fucked up one. God damn it. Did I do the fisting dildo? Maybe. I was a little more fucked than you. There's a mic right here if you want to say anything. Yeah, jump in. I'm high as fuck.

Awesome. Hungover. This is the first day I woke up with the fucking jitters. I've had those for about six months. This whole town looks like it's on the jitters, man. This is my first time really in Daytona Beach. Mine are booze jitters. But everyone's...

Everybody looks a little cracked out here. Yeah. It's tough. We just did... We did some acid because it's the only drug Andy hasn't done. So we have to have some... Small doses.

It's a long story. We've already been over it. We can't do it on every podcast. Fuck. Yeah, buddy. Thank you. Appreciate it. So what the fuck is going on with you? Oh, God. This is it, buddy. A lot of baseball. That's about it.

How deep are you into your bookie that keeps forgiving you because you just show your claw hands? I think it's about 1250, but I got two of those bookies, and they're at the same. They're both about $1,200, $1,500. Oh, $1,500, $1,250. I thought you meant $12,500. Okay, that's doable.

That's recoverable. Yeah, $1,200. Yeah. I mean, I win sometimes. I'm actually all right at it. Andy's got two DUIs but for pot. How do they check that? So he wants to start a GoFundMe to pay for his legal bills,

even though he has a public defender because he's indigent. It's the indigent tour. Maybe you could do a Leaf Me Alone. Yes, tweet us. Rousemouth is at Rousemouth. Sean Rouse is at Rousemouth. I like Mousemouth, but with an R. Andy is at Andy Andrist, I-S-T. Who would you support?

I'm obligated because they're my friends to do a GoFundMe or at least retweet it once to show some kind of support. So would you rather support his gambling debts or Andy Andrus smoking weed DUIs? I kind of want to know how they got him on a weed DUI. Do they have a test for it? Yeah. Well, you have to hear Andy's version of it,

which is never cohesive. So I would support Rouse's gambling debts over Randy's. No, I only blew a.01. No, they're not arresting you for the alcohol level. How do you get a.01? He had a.01

and a.02 DUI. Well, they were busting him for the fucking weed. Wait, you can still gamble with them, right? They still let you gamble? Oh, no. Oh, then you're fucked. See, maybe what we could do is we could find another bookie.

We take all the money we get to either one of them. We put it down on one thing and we let them split it. Like, if they win, they win. If they don't, they don't. Double or nothing? Double or nothing. How far are you away from Bad Lieutenant Deep? I'm a gambler. From what? The movie The Bad Lieutenant where Keitel was in deep.

I haven't seen that. I remember the movie, but I don't remember the details. I'll bet $1,000 on the coin flip of the Super Bowl. That's all I care about, really. It's a good bet. It's 50-50. The beginning of the Super Bowl where you go all I care about, really. It's a good bet. It's 50-50. The beginning of the Super Bowl

where you go, I have three bets all in one. It's the coin flip. Who's going to take the kick off? It's three bets on a coin flip. That's the bet I do. I want a shitload of money on the

sponsor that was the USA Today after the Super Bowl does the ad meter. What was the most popular ad? And because of neighbor Dave, I went with Frito-Lay, and I want a shitload of money on that because it's very random. I think the prop bets are more fun. And it was red Gatorade dumped over the head of the coach of the winning team. Who's going to return the first point? Is it going to be a black guy or a white guy? There's all sorts of problems.

BetOnline.com does not have those kind of racist. We're supposed to have sponsorship from BetOnline.com. I don't know where that fell apart in the negotiations. We could paint it on Rouse's back like they're doing boxing. You ever see the UFC? You ever notice that they used to have condom depots? That was like condom depots, like a target on the back of UFC fighters' asses. Oh, no.

I was like, why the hell would you put... All I looked at was the ass. Yeah. I didn't look at the advertising. What was the target? It was a target. I wanted to know where to shoot. It was at Condom Depot.

I was thinking, is this where you deposit it? Rouse is out of a drink already. Rouse is going up first tonight. He just ate. He'll be fine. You good? Had a little pizza. Yeah, I'm coming back. Jesus. I remember our drunks.

I remember Boise. It was a Daveitel bus tour Yeah And you shuffled out of bed That great place I think it's called Unagi Yeah it was on the second floor Yeah Yeah

And you go I go man You look a fucking wreck And I heard you're all fucked up This is like 10 years ago. More than that. Yeah. And you go, Dougie, I'm just going to tell you, I don't care.

In an inimitable way, Sean Rouse is the guy. It was Hedberg as a guy. You end up talking like Hedberg as a guy. You'd end up talking like Hedberg, just being around him and someone else we were talking about. Anyway, Sean Rouse is the guy you can't imitate.

I fucking... A night at Johnny Depp's where he was all fucked up on painkillers because he cut off half his finger, and he's showing us. He has this giant TV that comes down on a swing,

and it was living remote, hinged like a giant, hits a button, and this whole screen comes out of the ceiling, and he's just showing dumb YouTube videos. I go, you got to see Shawnee Rouse. And I played this tsunami video and he was out of his fucking mind

about the tsunami bit. That's no way for a boy whore to die. I've shown everybody I can show that to. In Thailand there? Yeah. I'll tell you, man, some of those ladyboys are hot. Like, you know, we actually, like, my buddy and I,

we were in Thailand and we were walking around and we, like, had a little system for, like, talking about them. We were like, oh, alcoholic, if we thought. Because A.A., Adam's Apple, right? Alcoholic, that was our little code. We didn't think they Adam's apple, right? Alcoholic. That was our little code. We didn't think they would decipher that, right? They're cute until that big dick flops out. Well, you know, so we were.

Cuter still on the leg. But, you know, we were like, some of them we let finish. You're like, oh, it's a dude. They're there now. You know, just kind of finish and let it go. Shame Andy's not here for this part of the podcast. The authority. Shame Andy's not here for this part of the podcast. That's the worst part about cocaine. It makes you tell too many stories you shouldn't have told.

Thought they were a friend. So what's the lineup tonight? Oh, I don't know. I closed last night. The night before that, I was first. You took the bullet. Yes, I think I'm in the middle tonight, I guess. Okay.

Is that right? You should be, actually. That makes sense. I'll bullet it. Especially shows like this, Chaley, where it's fucking chaos audiences. The audience is way worse of a coin flip than the comics. Sean talks the slowest.

They will give him the most... If Junior goes up first, they will allow him to be slow and then Andy can just fuck it up at the end, because it's going to be fucked up no matter what. If I can. I'm not working.

I'm on vacation. But honestly, if I talk to Andy and I said, so how much time is everyone doing? He goes, I don't know. No one has a set time. I thought everyone was on 25 because they were asking for how long at 20. So I figured, well andy was just fishing

for it but you went you were like 30 something but it's like but you had so many distractions i'm thinking but he handles i mean i'm looking at sean sean handles the crowd in a crazy situation he's cool and fucking the way you played it was way better than if someone was confrontational or was just running through a set. You actually addressed everyone, which I thought was better. But you were part of that, by the way. But he's coming out of his act to have to do that. Absolutely. So if either Junior or Andy goes first.

Yes. Actually, Junior, I would say. All right, Junior's got his shit together. Junior's the sober. I disagree. No, not about the shit together. You definitely do. I think last night's lineup was perfect.

But you have to account for the audience of drunken spring break assholes or just drunken R fans that are, by the end, yeah, they're going to be chatty too. So Andy's already off the rails. Let it end poorly with Andy rather than fuck up Sean Routt's actual bits he knows how to do. Andy doesn't know how to do his bits.

So if it's going to close in chaos... So put that in front! Put that in front! No, it's going to end like that anyway. No, it ends with a guy who can take the fucking... He can take the chatter and calm him down. No, Andy has

no bits he can ever structure anyway. So get the refunds done in the front. No, let all the people that are going to fuck up the end of the show fuck it up during an act that's fucked up and let people hear Sean Rouse's bits that he knows what he's doing and not have to deal with the deluge of spring break assholes. I disagree. Did we tell you about the dunce in Tampa?

Was it? Oh, God. Shut it, dunce. Shut it, dunce. Did you hear about it, though? Oh, God. Shut it, Dunce! Shut it, Dunce! Did you hear about her, though? Yeah. Yeah, the girl that did the... She did a Sean Rouse, we'll call it.

Yeah. But, and her legs came over the top of her, like a, you know, fucking Scorpion, you know? And I was the only one in the room that missed it because I was on stage, so everybody else saw it. Because they said she got up and, like, Andy said, I think it was Andy or maybe it was Junior, she took, like, two steps and then her arms just started swinging.

Like, she had already fallen in her mind. She was already fucking on the ground. She's already out of there. But I was put up first to attack her. And I think I definitely did my job that night. I went to work that night. I was the worst heckler. If I were not me at that show, I would have been the first one thrown out last night.

But the Bill Burr thing, the Bill Burr thing, just do 45 seconds. It's viral. Yes. Woody? Smarty. Smarty pants. You said it last night. Oh, Smarty Smarty

Sorry Old smarty pants Yeah last night You looked at me like You had no idea What I was talking about And I couldn't tell If you were drunk

Or you're fucking with me Because I was drunk Oh No no I wasn't fucking with you I don't think I was I was just like No that wouldn't work

Every time Because we didn't We didn't We didn't We didn't practice it fucking with you. I don't think I was. I was just like, no, that wouldn't work. We didn't practice it, you know what I mean? But every time you brought up, Doug brought up Bob Biggerstaff, right? It was Bob Biggerstaff and you that did that. You never did that. You never go, yeah, I know what you're talking about. You looked

at him like straight through him. You had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't know what he was talking about. Oh, I didn't know what he was talking about with Junior, and I didn't get the Bill Burr thing at first because I look like Bill Burr. I didn't see how that. Oh, you have to see yourself on that stage with that light coming down over your head. You look just like Bill Burr, and he does a perfect Bill Burr impression. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying.

I didn't know that's why he wanted me to do it last night. 45 seconds on YouTube. That's comic viral. You know, I didn't know I looked like Bill Burr up there. That's what I mean. Until just now when you told me. That's what I'm saying. I didn't know that's why you wanted me to do it last night. 45 seconds on YouTube. That's comic viral. You know, I didn't know I looked like Bill Burr up there. That's what I mean. Until just now when you told me. You know what I mean? He's like, you look just like him.

That's why last night I didn't get it. I was like, what? I was probably not explaining this with the absolute clarity. Yeah. You just, yeah. The video I... All the stares. The video I have is basically The way I will edit it

Is Doug basically trying to explain it to you two And you two not understanding English For a moment in time And then Doug throwing up his hands Wanting to smash his drink And then realizing there's a long line at the bar And he walks off the stage With his hands up and everyone yelling

And him just being frustrated the whole time. And I thought, Rouse, what a comic genius. He is Doug Stano's foil. They put this up in advance. They made this whole thing like, no matter, as mad as I get, I want you to look blankly at the floor and not understand one thing I'm saying. He's a genius. This is so great. This is so great.

No, I just didn't know what the fuck was going on. He said, genius. This is so great. This is so great. No, I just didn't know what the fuck was going on. Or there was that. Yeah. It was late. It was late in the evening. Yeah, that was after show stuff. Yeah. I was so happy

to go home early and I think I'm going to do it again. And you're here tomorrow. Doing what? Tonight, after the show. This fucking spring break shit? No. I want no part of it. We're going to go home after the show.

And then tomorrow, we're all hanging out on a day off. Oh, nice. And then, yeah, we'll have mimosas. Where's the show tomorrow? Oh, good. Rouse, where are you? There is no show. Rouse, where are you tomorrow?

Oh, they added a show. No. Huh? A Sunday show.? Oh, good. Rouse, where are you? There was no show. Rouse, where are you tomorrow? Oh, they added a show. Huh? A Sunday show. They added a show. Did they? Well, we're trying to find out. 3 p.m. at the fucking shrimp factory. What's it?

The crab factory? It's a corporate. What? That's what we said. Andy added this. We're crazy, Andy. We all have to do an hour. All right, we're fucking with you. There's no we said. Andy added this. We're crazy, Andy. We all have to do an hour. All right, we're fucking with you.

There's no show tomorrow. You get to go swimming tomorrow, my friend. I'm guessing in circles. I might not come back. Wouldn't come back for that. Yeah, we got to get you a Wikipedia page so we can bet on you. How do you do that? Can't you just ask one of the termites to do it?

We try to get Chad Shank a fucking Wikipedia page. But what we need, hey, this is what we need. We need three journalists of whatever New Times fucking weekly to do a profile of Chad Shank and that way we can get him a Wikipedia page so we can bet him on Death Pool. Is that verified too or is that just Wikipedia?

No, Wikipedia. We need him written up. So any... All you guys go, hey, I want to do an interview with the fucking finland you know nifty nickel as long as we can get some uh accreditation is that a word as long as it's accredited newspaper you need three sources to to be verified for wikipedia then let's get six motherfuckers come on on, killer termites.

Hey, but send that to Shaley or somebody. I don't want everybody fucking wanting to talk to me because I'll just talk to weird people and I don't want to talk to anybody. Unless you guys tell me I'm allowed to talk to them. No, you have to talk to people. No, I'm not talking to people. You just make up sentences.

Well, yeah, but you have to tell me which ones to talk to. Yeah. I'm going to sit on my lap while I do Bill's work. You don't know how many dreams I've had that were just like that. All right. We're going to stop this 20-minute, 10-minute podcast, and we're going to work through this once. You need three sentences.

Okay. Alright, we're going to go. We'll be back tomorrow with more of this shit. Alright, bye. Later.