The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Pt. 14 - Ten Minute Podcast - Daytona Beach, Florida

Episode Date: April 10, 2016

Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon and Barnes & Noble Doug and Amanda Michelle trade grooming and comedy tips. This is the third day of Doug recording 10 minute podcasts in Daytona Beach, Florida during Spring Break 2016.   Recorded March 27, 2016 in Daytona Beach, FL with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Amanda Michelle (facebook), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS: Pre Order Doug's book "Diggin Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon and Barnes & Noble Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You don't have any tattoos either? No. I do. I have one. I love you. Mine was actually free too, and that's what I was laughing about that. Mine was free and it's good. I got it though because I served a guy free coffee the whole time I worked at Starbucks. And he worked at a tattoo shop. No, you got it because he wanted to fuck you.

Well, maybe. But I didn't have to fuck him and I still got the tattoo. I figured you do. I just wanted to make sure you were out. That must be horrible. First of all... That was in Tampa. Yeah, it's horrible growing up here. Put the mic in your... How much

of... How much do you enjoy what you get away with because someone wants to fuck you versus how much you have to give up because someone's just trying to fuck you? It has to be a balance. You say it's hard being a fucking hot chick. It was a Chris Rock bit. One of those bits that as a comic you go, fuck, why did I never think of that?

Whereas a hot chick is the same as a celebrity you get all the free shit but you also get mobbed and someone sits down they're not interested in you they want to fuck yeah it sucks it sucks because there's people that like i'm cool with i want to hang with, but then it's like their only motive is to get in my pants. And it's not cool. Like I can provide myself with beer and drugs and whatever. I don't need someone else to do that for me. And I fuck myself just fine. Like I at least know that I'm going to get myself off.

But you know, it is annoying. Like I can't go out to a bar and just have a beer without someone sitting down. And I had a guy literally sit down the other day and write a Theodore Roosevelt speech in calligraphy. Then he read it to me and asked me out to dinner. That guy's got game. No, he doesn't, because I didn't go get dinner with him. Like, he didn't.

He didn't go get dinner with him like he he didn't he didn't i i uh and i was with uh i don't know if it was bingo or renee but i was sitting at a sushi bar in london where i heard someone talking about bukowski at another table and i wrote out uh something i i can i've memorized from notes from a dirty old man from Bukowski and I wrote it out long form on a cocktail napkin and I handed it to her but it was the opposite it was one of those things where I go

I'm not trying to hit on you I'm with a girl but it looks like I'm hitting on you by writing something out like that so it does work both ways where you hate when you have to say I'm hitting on you by writing something out like that. So it does work both ways where you hate when you have to say, I'm not trying to fuck you because that's what you say when you're trying to fuck someone, too. So but the benefits, the benefits, you just showed your free tattoo you got. Well, but I also gave that guy free coffee and tea for about six months. That guy could afford coffee.

Well, yeah, but I could have afforded the tattoo. That's what we're talking about. But there has to be times where it plays into your... No, it definitely does. I told my dad there was a point where I was drinking so heavily, and I was like, Dad, even if I want to quit, it's hard, because even if I don't have money, and I'm not that way, because even if I don't have money and I'm not that way but even if I don't have access to alcohol

like I can go to a bar and some guy will pay my entire time like I could be that's why I do comedy and go home by myself and and fucking not have to deal with any of it I go to Denny's and I go you charge me for the coke I'm

a comic. That's not universal? No, but it's definitely interesting and it is a double-edged sword, but I actually took up going on Tinder recently trying to look for some comedy material. So many people had talked about it. I was like, maybe it'll be funny and I met some of the nicest guys. Like, it's fucked up how nice these guys are.

They, like, don't even invite me back. They pay the bar tab. And I'm like, no, here, take money. Like, here's some cash. Nope, they won't take it. Like, super nice. It's ridiculous. You just set your standards really low before this.

I always have low standards. Like, I'm from Daytona. You got to understand. Yeah, this is my first time here. I've heard this place is horrible. I've only been in this room and another room and down the block, so I'm all right with it. It's rough, man. Tell them what the nickname is.

ma'am oh i uh i nickname my pussy the government assistance program for all the losers i help out hey they're gonna get signed to a label soon i i initially with the gap you know i'm hoping someone gets some government cheese this month first of all this, if you're trying to work out material, you better bring that shit back to that late night open mic. That thing was crazy last night. I heard there was a fist fight after we left. Yeah, pretty much right after you left. Who was it?

Andy can't. Andy has a store. There's a fist fight. And then I don't know. I didn't have a dog in the fight. No matter. Ian, Ian Perna.

He's a local comedian and another don't know. I didn't have a dog in the fight. Ian Perna, he's a local comedian and another guy named John. And I have no idea what happened because I was out back. Hopefully the comic that was involved was the one that brought Sean Rouse to get shitty blow and ripped him

off. I don't know. I'm not sure. Anyway. Let me get back to the the question would you trade ugly for being treated as an equal yeah actually i would because i i can provide for myself and i don't need other people offering me food and drink and drugs and podcast time well i mean you know i might trade it for the podcast time but you know the beer and stuff i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't afford the podcast time with you i guess financially but uh everything else i got i got well now that you're shaved by the way i haven't even introduced you because I can't remember your name.

Yeah, you keep calling me Becky. My name's actually Amanda Michelle. Amanda Michelle and at Twitter, on Twitter? I'm actually on Facebook and Instagram. I'm not on Twitter yet. You're not on Twitter yet? I got to get on Twitter. Well, you probably need a better act.

Well, no, I'm not on Twitter yet. You're not on Twitter yet? I got to get on Twitter. Well, you probably need a better act. Well, no, I'm saying. Or some hot pictures. I don't know your act. I don't know your act. If you were established enough in comedy, you'd probably already be on Twitter. But you're new to comedy. I've only been doing it for three years and seriously for two. The first year, i kind of was just

fucking around and then i was like you know what i really like this and i i quit my job and basically just did comedy and i did a little bit of random work on the side but lived off of like four grand last year and just made comedy my only thing just i enjoy it and like i i sucked really bad when i started i'm not saying i'm great now but there's a point where like i just enjoy doing it and i'll keep doing it until yeah there there's video that someone put out and found for me five years in when i thought I was good, that's embarrassing. It's horrible. That Hedberg thing. That video, you guys in Minnesota? Yeah, 95.

Yeah. Once you think you're good, stop thinking that. Yeah. And keep trying harder. Yeah, try harder. I think that's part of doing comedy, and I think that's why I like it. It's almost like a masochistic thing where you always have to hate yourself because otherwise you're never going to get better and you're never going to be good enough because no one else is going to push you and he's still after 30 years tapes his sets and listens

to him and hates himself and uh that's why he's still the best comic i'd rather be mediocre and enjoy my life at some point you go all right how much am i giving up to amuse shitheads that are just drunk in the bar uh but yes you you have to hate yourself enough to keep trying. Yeah, you have to push yourself. It's definitely... Or just stop doing it. This is from a guy who's basically stopped doing it and then built a bar to entertain shitheads

at his own house on his own property. Yeah. In context, it's a little different. Shot clog. We should every now and then remind people what a shot clog is. A shot clog is someone that you put up with because they're buying drinks. That's why we call it the shot clog podcast, because I'm buying the drinks and luring all my friends over against their will just because there's free booze. And they'll fucking be guests just to drink or watch football.

So where are you performing next other than – Oh, wait. I was going to say we rape-shaved her before. Yeah, that should definitely make it onto the podcast. Yeah, that was interesting. I forget her name already. Amanda. Amanda.

All right. I was trying to get the plug out for her Twitter or Facebook. Amanda Michelle is your Facebook? Yeah. You're the only one? Yeah, we'll do that. Doug, why don't you figure out her Twitter handle? She shouldn't leave here without getting a Twitter account.

We'll figure that out. It's a 10-minute podcast. We can't sit here and brainstorm. Amanda Michelle showed up slinky dress last night, cream-colored, no underwear. Yeah, we've already established that she's pretty cute, and then she was

in a sea of just ugly dudes, basically. She might not even be that hot. We've only just been around ugly dudes a few days. When you say cute, it was in comparison. Relatively speaking. It was in comparison to Damon Figgler.

Don't get a fucking big head about yourself. And every other guy that's seen a poodle. But she showed up today in a sleeveless outfit with fucking hairier pits than mine. Just like Maggie. Several of us were really disillusioned. Like Maggie, the cave hippie woman from the earlier podcast in Bisbee. So I just rape shaved her.

I pulled out my trimmers. I went, get over here. We didn't put her in a bathroom because that seemed creepy. We did it in public. There's a filthy pile of hair right in front of everybody. So, yeah, we rape shaved her armpits. But she put up with it. And she's a fun gal, a funny girl.

The government cheese in your pussy bit you try to work on us. You try to work a bit. Tell me you've never said that on stage. I have. You never work bits at the table, lady. Thanks. There's no professional comics in this town to tell you. You never work bits at the table. There's no apprenticeship.

Like Kyle over there. He's got an apprenticeship. Especially when everyone's trying to bang you. You don't say, oh, government cheese in my pussy. Well, that's kind of why I say it. Because, you know, once again, I don't want everybody trying to bang me, you know? It'll work. I figure between the hairy armpits and the government cheese and the herpes, it'll work.

Wait until no one's trying to bang you. Because that's coming. You go, I'd rather be ugly and have a normal conversation. Ugly's coming your way, way sooner than you think. Because ladies age like hot mayonnaise

in the sun. And yeah, then you're gonna go, wait, no one's trying to bang me. I was kidding about the government cheese in my pussy. Anyone? Anyone is kidding. And then you're like, lady, I will never mention or tweet back to. That's a 10 minute podcast.

And she'll know I'm talking about her and still pretend I wasn't talking about her. All right. That's a that's a podcast.