The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Pt. 15 - Ten Minute Podcast - Daytona Beach, Florida

Episode Date: April 10, 2016

Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon and Barnes & Noble Bingo calls into the Podcast. Claire from Mind Altered Media Podcast asks Doug asks how he lost his virginity. This is the third day of Doug recording 10 minute podcasts in Daytona Beach, Florida during Spring Break 2016.   Recorded March 27, 2016 in Daytona Beach, FL with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Claire from Mind Altered Media (@MindAlteredMedia), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS: Mind Altered Media - MindAlteredMedia.com Pre Order Doug's book "Diggin Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon and Barnes & NobleDoug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, what the fuckstables? What's up? Alright, listen. This is the Bill Burr What The Fuck 10 Minute Podcast. Bill's not present, though. Bill's always

present. Get over here. Get over here. Get on the mic, Bill. Get on the mic. Alright, it's a Monday morning podcast. Dude, I don't know. Start the Monday morning podcast. Welcome.

Morning, morning podcast. Ten minutes. What is it? I guess for the lady. All right. You're too drunk to do a good Bill Burr. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. Now we're back to Claire from her Mind Altered podcast. Claire? Right. MindAlteredMedia.com Yeah. We were talking about the theme just a moment ago, and it's dark stories. So I have a question

for you, Doug. Yeah. How did you lose your virginity? How did I? Yeah. Well, it's in the book. Oh, is it? Oh, shit. Hang on.

Uh-oh. Is it a bingo? Bingo's on the podcast. You're on the podcast. Oh, God damn it. Who's calling you podcasting? Okay, call me back. Say hi to people the question was

how did I lose my virginity and it's a great way to plug my book so I'll call you back how did you lose your virginity how? with a penis and a vagina with a penis and a vagina. Great story. With a penis and a vagina.

Close strong. Drop the mic. Thank you, Bingo. Call you back. Bingo Bingaman, everybody. It's perfect. She's getting better at those jokes. It's in my book.

I lost my virginity twice. Twice? Well, I fucked a girl. I had to change her name like everyone else's name in the book. When I was nine, named Nora. And she's a different name in the book. Okay. But we only, it was pre-cum era.

You couldn't cum. We just knew this was something you could do and you're not supposed to. Like egging cars. How old were you? Nine. I was nine. Yes. I thought, I always told this story like I was 11.

But then when I started doing research for the book, I go, oh, no. We moved to Paxton in 76. And that was before Paxton. When I was at Tatnick Center School, like seven, I was nine. I was born in 67. You blocked it out. That's what happened. You blocked it out for a couple of years.

The rest of it's in the book. And then I ran into her years later. And it's a very funny story. He said no. I cannot. I can't wait to read that. Well, that's why it's on my wish list on Amazon, by the way. years later and is a very funny story. He said no repeatedly. I can't wait to read that. It's on my wish list on Amazon, by the way.

Why would losing my virginity be a dark story? I mean, I feel like at nine years old, that's pretty dark. Maybe she was thinking about that. She was thinking about for the girl. There you go. What is your dark story about losing your virginity?

Because this is one of those leading questions. Like when someone says, what's your worst Greek vacation you ever had? Mine was the time I was raped in Ibiza. You asked the question having your own stupid story at the ready. It's pronounced Ibiza. the question having your own stupid story at the ready it's pronounced abitha um i i i i practically scheduled the losing he blasted you all right you scheduled hang on it was martin luther king day hold on i've never done this before but i'm gonna beat box behind you while you tell this story i was just about to say that the reason

it's not even the music on their podcast that you can't hear them you don't project I don't I'm a quiet talker I can't help it so your virginity I scheduled it

let's do this Terry Gross style I love that all things considered or Diane Rehm Let's do this Terry Gross style. Oh, I love that. Oh, yeah. All things considered, we're Terry Gross. Or Diane Rehm. I'm Diane Rehm right here. I love her show when she's not hosting it. Oh, my God.

I love her show when someone else is hosting it. And I feel so bad because she can't help it. I felt bad, but sometimes I get in such a bad mood that I've actually tweeted NPR going, this woman is a dead person and you're exploiting her. Stop that fucking horrific. She needs a translator almost. Oh, my God.

You know, like just transcribe it and then have someone else say it. First of all, let's get to your virginity story. We covered it. I scheduled it. It was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I had that Monday off of school. The kid lived in my neighborhood. I walked to his house.

We watched Alice in Wonderland, and that was that. That's not having sex. Watching a movie? Yeah. Wait, you had sex during Alice in Wonderland? Yeah. How old were you? How hard did you cum?

I did not at all. It was like the first time you smoke weed. You know you never get high the first time you smoke weed? No, I got high as shit to the point I vomited. Yeah, I threw up everywhere. I was clinging onto the earth. I didn't get high the first time I smoked weed. I had a cartoon bump on my head.

If I didn't get high the first time I smoked weed, why the fuck would I smoke weed the second time? Because everyone else was still doing it. And no, despite all that, like, be the anti-drug, just say no, your friends don't accept the answer no. They'll ask you 16 fucking times. They're like, all right, fine, whatever. You had that friend?

I had wives. Every girl that I went out with that smoked pot would always pass me the fuck. Is that what we're talking about? Apparently so, if you said no. That's your job to say no. Let's get to Chad Shank right away. Hold on. Okay, hold on.

Chad Shank with the commentary. I'm going to call an audible right now. I feel more disjointed at this point than I did the last time we tried to do this podcast with Katharine. If we can get Andy Andrus to stop talking over there. Yeah, this is not the place. I can run through this. I'm calm saying no, no. If we can get Andy Andrus to stop talking over there. Yeah, there's not a place. I can run through this. I don't know. I'm saying no, no.

Chad Shank has a fucking brilliant story that we had in 86 from an earlier podcast about bingo because I couldn't talk shit about the hospital she was in until she was out of the hospital you can't go this prison's mistreat my friend while she's locked up yeah while she's locked up because she gets the repercussions we will not talk about that till we get back home and talk to bingo in person but chad shank that same day also had to do this mental eval bingo had to go to this mental evaluation i'll sum it up quickly where she had a a new not doctor doctor that uh she had to like go over her entire case study and she goes well the uh the episodes i've had most recently she dropped suicide at some point and fucked up and she called me goes i got bad news i'm not

going to be coming back from this psyche eval because i said suicide and now i i'm going to lock up that's that's what makes it dangerous because when you're going for an evaluation where they're going to determine, based on one meeting for about an hour with you, whether or not you have what you've been diagnosed with for years, you have to walk a fine line between letting them understand how fucking disabled you are and not locking you up.

Chad has a constant disability, what a permanent disability. Through the VA, yeah. But it's not really permanent because you have to go prove it's permanent every year. The VA is permanent now. I don't have to do anything with them anymore. So this is the whole time for the Veterans Association. But they also tax social security disability onto it. And I'm not going to fucking say no.

So I have to go back for reviews. And you said that to me. You go, oh, I have to do the fine line. I don't want to be bingo. I can't be honest enough that I get locked up like bingo. But I have to be honest enough that I keep my benefits. In the days that I was preparing for this was when that happened to Bingo. And then I was texting her, and all of a sudden, we just weren't texting.

She just didn't respond anymore. Stop, yeah. And that's not really uncommon between the two of us. But after a couple of days, then I found out what happened, and you told me that she said that. And then you're going into the same shit. Yeah, the next day, i was going in to talk to the lady so you're in sierra vista yeah you got you you got close to home and you get sheniqua

yeah yeah she was definitely not compassionate in any way i had never seen her or heard of her do you remember what her title was? Was it? Is she a psychotherapist? Is she just a therapist? Is she a fucking nurse practitioner? I can look it up, but she's a psychotherapist, I believe. Yeah, she's got some letters.

Oh, that's right. She fucking only worked weekends. That was her night job. And she had seven previous jobs in the area. She does nails. Am I wrong? No. She does nails. Am I wrong? She does nails five days a week? No, no.

It's because she had really long nails. Oh, she had nails. You're distorting my story worse than me. That's the best way to get you to tell it right. There you go. I don't... She was just not what I expected. She wasn't what you'd expect from a professional

when I first went in there she just gives me a packet she's like fill this out and I thought it was like you'd have to fill out at a doctor's office, you fill out a couple of pages and after the first couple pages then I realized that it was like a 12 page packet

of a questionnaire and it was basically an interview that she was supposed to do with me. But rather than doing the interview, she just went and locked herself back in her office and left me at a fucking folding card table. Filling out the whole fucking – Your own interview. And I was like, what the fuck? And some of it was really difficult to put into words. It's not.

But the reason they asked the questions is for her to interpret what her response is going to be. She's going to take notes on your response to that question. It's not question, answer, question, answer. And they have stupid. It's the equivalent of, hey, you lay down on this couch and tell me your feelings. I'll be in another room. I'll flip through them here in a minute and see if there's anything I need you to clarify. Listen to it on double speed.

And that's basically what happened. I went in and she just reviewed it and I left a whole bunch of it blank because I was like, fuck you. First of all, filling out this shit. What are you going to do? Fuck you. First of all, filling out this shit. What are you going to do? Chad and I have a few habits in common, and one is finding out where you live in case I need to kill you.

Or just so this this is a person who's going to judge me and make a decision regarding my life in an hour. So, yeah, I did fucking some searches on her diligence and found out what did she, like, she only works weekends doing psychotherapy, but just contracted out through the government to do exactly what I'm doing or what I did with her, which sounds like they just have her in as a cleaner.

Cause she's a person that can go, fuck you. You ain't got, you ain't got no benefits, sugar. She immediately, when I went in and I was trying to, I tried to set some sort of fucking, I don't know, starting point. You were trying to be honest. Exactly.

I was trying to set a starting point. I just said, I'm uncomfortable with this. I don't understand the process. You know, I'm not used to going through this. I don't understand the process. I'm not used to going through this. You're a person that I've never laid eyes on before. You don't know anything about me, and you have to make a decision about me in an hour. Can we agree that that's a little bit absurd?

No trust established. Exactly. When you have a mentally ill person who talks with a psychotherapist, there usually has to be a great amount of trust. When you have a person walking off the street to go into therapy just to talk about – I just need someone to talk to about these things. The first two are throwaways. That's just them and you kind of getting comfortable with each other. I don't know what their criteria are, but I mean there's a lot of mentally ill people trying to help mentally ill people and this was a woman that acted like you asked for extra something at popeye's fried chicken oh she was a fucking bitch from the get-go and and immediately told me well i don't know anything about you all they sent me was your name

and that and then but still wouldn't come to a common agreement with okay then once again isn't this kind of she should say go uh the system's fucked up all they sent me is your name what what's going on with you yeah yes well no she didn't even try to look you up on facebook though i would google that name you just google that name i found google i found her twitter account where she had like five tweets in a row going i can't figure out how to use twitter what i don't trust a bitch that can't figure out twitter to help me friend. Oh, fuck. So she dog dicks you the whole time.

Well, immediately what she did was when I told her that I didn't understand how this process went and that I was just being honest, like you said, establishing something, immediately she was the most condescending that i have ever witnessed she she goes well social security is a program that the government has where when you work money gets set aside and i wanted to immediately like i know how fucking social security works bitch she's reading the w page of Social Security. I literally could not believe that that was what was happening. But I'm like, I'm 45 seconds into this.

I can't blow my shit right now. For the listener, when he says, I'm like, he's actually saying it. Chad Shank's not internalizing what... That was external dialogue, not internal. He's like, I know what the fuck social skill is. No, no. I internaled that one. Oh, that one.

I was 45 seconds in. I had to internal it. I don't want to shoot myself in the foot immediately. This could be part of the test. I got a diplomat. Some of this. And we'll slowly grow to where you actually shot yourself in the foot because I thought that was internalized. And you go, no, I actually said it.

Well, that was the whole time she was just condescending. She immediately said before just reading my packet that I have filled out, she immediately said that I didn't have what I'm diagnosed with. I'm diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder too. And she says, I think maybe you just have a little bit of depression and you need to just push through the apathy. As she's filing her nails and tweeting?

Wasn't she tweeting? No, no. She answered a fucking telephone call right in the middle. Oh, that's probably my next appointment. She picked up her phone with her big long fingernails and picked it up and then it was like on speakerphone i'm listening to a confidential conversation yeah with her next appointment and all i could think the whole time was that because there was a lady that canceled her next appointment, and I looked, and it was like 12 o'clock.

She's like, that's my 2 o'clock. And I was like, that means nobody's even going to fucking look for you until 4. I'm going to fucking murder you right now and put you in the dumpster. But that was also internalized. And you'll get blamed on the next appointment. That was also. You don't think I've watched forensic files? I know how to dispose of a body.

But it was, I was already that mad. First 48. I got two hours of the first 48. I was already mad at that point, obviously, because it was, I don't take. I've seen you mad at nothing so actually someone i don't take being condescended to or being disrespected it affects me bad and i was trying to explain that to her i was like i have problems right now i have i have problems being in this room right now i'm trying my best to be i'm you know you're gone i even told her you're

condescending to me you've been condescending since we first started this and i and she just kept cutting me off and i was like i'm and then i'm trying to put it to her some way that she can understand it that i'm i try to tell her about how I've punched people across the fucking counter for an $8 dispute on an auto part. I have impulse problems, and I'm worried. And as I told her, I said, I'm afraid to be here right now. And she interrupted me and said, well, that's probably just anxiety. And I said, bitch, I'm afraid for you. And then she excused me.

This conversation's over. I'm afraid to be here right now. That's anxiety. No, I'm afraid for you. So she's either going to fuck me over and tell him that I'm perfectly fine and I need to push through the apathy, or fuck me over and tell him that I'm perfectly fine and I need to push through the apathy, or she's going to tell him that I'm a complete fucking lunatic

and she was scared for her life. She's going to get you admitted. You better be careful. That reminds me of a chapter in my book about Mrs. Donahue. I hope you pre-order Digging Up Mother because pre-orders matter so that's another uh that's a long 10 minute podcast but uh i'm glad we got that out i'm glad we can the earlier version oh uh did you guys i'm afraid for you that's great it's i just realized as good as i'm the man that knocks i just realized that people in this hotel don't know what's happening in here.

And all they hear is his voice every once in a while punctuating these phrases that he's yelling at this lady that he was evaluating him. You didn't mention that what we were going to do when we came down here was get Chad two tattoos, one on each arm. One was be a diplomat, and the other was... Push through the apathy. Push through the apathy. Oh, good fucking memory. Did Kyle bring his kit? Did Kyle Roos bring his kit?

It could happen right now. No, no, Chad's not. He's impulsive when it comes to punching someone in the face, but not tattoos. No, all my tattoos are basically motel room fucking guitar string. So you are wrong, Doug. Yeah. All right. It's tattoo time.

We'll see you in another 10 minutes. Plug their podcast one more time. Mind Altered Podcast. Mind Altered Podcast. Claringer. Claringer. At HD Fatty. podcast.

Claire and Jared. At HD Fatty. I can't believe not every single person that downloads this is not following HD Fatty. I get new followers all the time. At Greg Chaley. Hey, one more time.

Chaley is C-H-A-I-L-L-E. Because people email me. Hey, Chaley. C-H-A-L-L-E Because people email me Hey Chaley C-H-A-L-Y-E No It's C-H-A-I-L-L-E Ch-I-L-L-E Except for the N

Alright that's Well fuck it I'm glad you cleared that up