The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Stanhope Talks to Some 8 year old Kid - pt.1

Episode Date: July 21, 2015

Stanhope talks to some 8 year old kid - pt.1Recorded July 11, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and some 8 year old kid. Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Closing song, "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mm", by Crash Test Dummies. Available on iTunes.Doug's upcoming tour dates available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, it's the Doug Stanhope minicast bonus. Since you get this shit for free, I thought I'd throw you a few more minutes for free. Doug Stanhope minicast. We just finished watching the UFC. What's it, McGregor? Do you even remember? My guest today is some eight-year-old boy.

So do you remember the name of the McGregor versus something Spanish? No. Mendez? Mendez. But did you clean up on that? How did you do betting tonight? Did you win money? Yeah. How much? Uh, four dollars.

I fucking swept, son. I... Jesus Christ. I cleaned out every bet. I bet six fights. I won five against Kenny. One against, uh, Joby. You know Joby? Mm-mm Kenny. I won against Joby. You know Joby?

You don't know Joby? Alright, well, he's the guy with the he was wearing a mariachi hat. So yeah, five fights against Kenny and then I won one against Joby with the weird hat. And

but you won money? How much did you win? Four dollars. Joby with the weird hat. But you won money? How much did you win? Four dollars. Fuck, I cleaned up. I kicked the shit out of you. Look at this. This is all money I won. Look at that. That's like 40 bucks. 48 bucks, I think. Betting against

assholes. There were a lot of assholes here tonight. But now it's just you and me, and it's fun. It's you and me, me and an eight-year-old boy. Do you know all those fights are fake? That's how I won six fights in a row. Did you know that? No. It's true.

Joe Rogan, you know the announcer with the big puffy head? Yeah. The big swollen head that interviewed the guys after the fights? He's a buddy of mine. All those fights are pre-filmed. There's a soundstage. Do you know how they faked the moon landing? Joe Rogan also hipped me to this.

You know when we landed on the moon? Were you around? Were you there? No, no one was there. It was all on a Hollywood set. No different than, you know, Switchblade 2 or whatever the movies that are popular today. Yeah, it's all fake. And they fake the audience.

Those are all extras. And yeah, so when those guys are bleeding like that, it's all bullshit. So I know how the results of the fights are going to go, because Joe Rogan tells me which actor wins. You don't give a shit, do you? No? Are you going to gamble more on this stuff? Because I can slide you hot tips for a percentage. It was fun.

It was fun? All right. I'm sorry I don't have sugar for you. I guess I got some candy there that your grandmother would give you. But it's not good candy. Sorry. I'm out of my league when it comes to luring eight-year-old boys with

fucking orange slices or whatever's left over there. Double bubble. I have double bubble. How are you going to get a good eight-year-old boy? Your second string is all I'm saying, kid. So, we both won money.

And now you know the fights are all fake. It's not real blood. Did your sister leave? She's sleeping. Oh, she's sleeping? Yeah, I cause beat up

her fresco. Sorry, I Cosby'd up her fresca. Sorry, I've been reading Artie Lang's book, and he mentions fresca in it. Have you read Artie Lang, son? No. Read his first book, Too Fat to Fish, before you get into this crash and burn. Did you notice how I was reading a lot tonight? Yes. Yeah.

I'm into this book. And I'm writing a fucking book too. Here, let me ask you this. I'm writing a book myself. And now, as a comic, you go, I don't want to step on anyone's dick. I don't want to do the... It's an expression. You don't want to step on someone's dick. I don't want to do the... It's an expression. You don't want to step on someone's dick, which

you can imagine would hurt. But in comedy, if someone does the same... But I have the same story as Artie Lang about picking a hit of acid, LSD, as a drug, out of a hurl of vomit in front of kids your age. When I was just sitting

my first time tripping my balls off and I had to pick the acid out and he has a story about vomiting up I think it was some kind of benzo no not a benzo an opiate so some point is I have a similar story

so should but it's a true story it's not we don't have the same joke we just have a similar story so the comedy rules shouldn't apply it's a true story. We don't have the same joke. We just have a similar story. So the comedy rules shouldn't apply. It's a fucking true story. I should put it in my goddamn book, even if one asshole is going to tweet me and say, hey, you stole that fucking book from Marty Lang because I'm reading it while I'm writing a fucking book. So what do you think?

Should I keep this? I should put my story in the book or I should say, oh, I should kowtow to cowards on Twitter. You should put it in the book. You're a fucking genius. I love this about you. That's why you won money.

That's why we're, we're, we're stacked here in green dollar bills because we have some prescience. We know when you look at the TV, if someone's a fucking asshole, you bet against them. But if they're a really good asshole, put money on that dog. Right? Yes.

All right. So read Artie Lang's Too Fat to Fish first, and then read Crash and Burn. I don't know. Who are you into for comedians? What's the last thing you laughed at? Some eight-year-old boy. Probably my dad doing funny stuff. Your dad?

Wow, you have a dad? Yeah. He's not tough like those guys in the fucking UFC, is he? Hey, you ever huffed a gassy rag? No. All right, well, we should cut this podcast short and go experience life, because you never know when it's over. You ever heard of juvenile diabetes and kid lymphoma?

You could die at any time. So let's go experience shit like men. Did you want to do a plug for our sponsor, Nambla? Just go, I love Nambla. Don't do that. That's fucking creepy. All right, that's the end of our podcast. Do you have a favorite song?

Is it that Sinead O'Connor shit that they were singing when McGregor came into the ring? Probably not. No. What do you have? What's your favorite song? Happy Birthday? What the fuck? Oh, I beat you out of a fucking dollar on that one fight, like the first fight.

I don't even remember who it was. I think it was a Brazilian. And what did I say to you when I won your dollar? Can't remember. It was something with bitch at the end. I know that. I don't know if it was suck it, bitch, or fuck you, bitch. Yeah, it was that one. No, I didn't say the F word. it bitch or fuck you bitch yeah it was that one

no I didn't say the F word I weaned you with bitch to make sure you didn't have weak knees alright well thanks for being a guest on this mini cast keep people teased about the upcoming podcast

where you're nine they can't wait what's he going to be like when he's nine? I don't know. What do you think? Is your sister older than you? Yes. Is she a douche? Sometimes.

Don't worry. No one's going to hear this that you know. How is she a douche? Because she did come in and bet once. I thought she was cool. But now she's crashed out. Sometimes we fight a lot. About what? What's the last fight you had?

Do you remember? No. All right. You're probably drunk like me. You're wet brained. I don't remember anything No. All right. You're probably drunk like me. You're wet-brained. I don't remember anything either. All right. I got to wrap it up.

I got to fucking go out and find all those people that were at our house when we watched those fights together, like gentlemen in diapers. All right. Thank you, some eight-year-old kid. And we'll be back next week. Do you have a song? We got to close on a song. You have to know one fucking song in the world, for Christ's sakes.

Um. Um? Is that a song? Yes. All right. We'll play Um right now. It's whatever we choose. Hey, thanks for being on the podcast, some eight-year-old kid.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Got into an accident and couldn't come to school But when he finally came back His hair had turned from black into bright white He said that it was from when the cars had smashed so hard Once there was this girl who wouldn't go and change With the girls in the change room And when they finally made her They saw earth marks all over her body She couldn't quite explain what, that her wish just to be there 🎵🎵🎵

🎵🎵🎵 And then she had it worse than that Cause then there was this boy whose parents made him come directly home right after school And when they went to their church, they shook And lurched all over the church floor You couldn't quite explain it, they'd always just gone there I'm out. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm out.