The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Surviving in the Bisbee Comedy Crisis

Episode Date: July 27, 2026

Doug and Andy return to tackle the most pressing issue facing America today: the Bisbee comedy scene. Local comics attempt a turn at City Council's KillBisbee, Becker's memorial service, marathon running, news fatigue, apocalypse planning, thrift store economics, and deep deep discounts If you're 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code STANHOPE at https://inda.shop/STANHOPE #indacloudpod

It's Christmas in July somewhere near May, according to this jacket, which is my fucking Christmas with the family. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just going to say that. You need like a bunch of red-headed kids. It's not in my era vintage, but it's close enough and it's fucking, it's beautiful. And it's probably on sale on eBay as you're watching this. And with the shipping lanes clogged and everything, you might want to get your Christmas orders out there. Yeah, the shipping lanes, and we're closing down the fun house at the fun house, the merch for the summer. So, yeah, we're getting everything on sale as soon as possible. We're going to have a push-puller, drag it in, blowout sale.

eBay, whatever. I don't even know what's on the thing. But I'm going to go. I'm going to be wrapping up the, well, I don't know. You never wrap up the tour. Can we fix this fucking thing? That's why fucking wind makes me violent.

It ruins everything. You know what? You can spread seeds by hand. Stupid fucking spring wind. Nice breeze. Fucking breeze.

My foot. You missed all, Andy missed all the fun by not being here for it. Well, Becker, let's go back. I mean, Andy's, it's been a minute. Somewhere around when that taco shop opened was the last time I was here. Becker had a fucking memorial.

Two days. They had two memorials. They did a, it's kind of like we do gigs on the off nights. They did like a fucking Wednesday, Thursday morning. I got a Wednesday morning for your. For a memorial, yeah. How many more? Well, needless to say, it was as under-attended as his open mics.

You've got to put clips up. People just, you know. Carly boy, see, Carly Boy is an interesting character because I said it's Becker's Derek, is how I'd always describe him. But I never got past the surface of, you know, his gullet jiggling, and he seems kind of... Yeah. Yeah, he seems like happy. It's disjoint.

He, it's like going into a fun house, and then there's a, you know, he comes at you like a, you know, a clown of sorts or, you know, like a, his heads on his, you know, if you're slightly. He seems special needs. If you're slightly tripping, you know, it's like, whoa, man, you know. Oh, fuck, I thought everybody's head was doing that. But, yeah, that's, I think I met him when I was a little bit on, but. Yeah, he definitely seems like he's, if there's a, I don't know what a spectrum looks like, but he's got to be hanging off of it somewhere. Well, he recently had a stroke, and that's, you know, since I didn't know him well.

I just, in periphery, he came across, like, a little bit touched by an angel, but very sweet. Yeah. He did open mic all the time, and he was one of those acts. with a couple times I saw him on stage at an empty chuckleheads. You didn't know if he was just saying words or if it was supposed to be his act because he's playing in front of no one

so you don't know if maybe, he kind of worked there in a way but on the level that Derek used to work here. Yeah, like that guy in office space is still things he's employed. Yeah, yeah. I just asked you to help me carry the box in that one day. actually one of the comments on i think the facebook or the youtube was yeah like the stapler guy at the end of the

kill bisby yeah carly boy well carly boys at this one of the three people that showed up to this memorial for becker catholic church uh i don't know how this and like even had cards printed up they these guys uh The Australians ran into him at Shady Dell at Dots Diner after the memorial, and they were handing out these cards they'd made up with pictures of him on one side, laminated small, like the double postage stamp side. And then on the back, some ridiculous, sappy poem that obviously, at first I'm like, is he supposedly wrote this?

Who, who, it wasn't, was it his family? Well, his, I heard his twin brother also had a Catholic mass for him. His brother's a fucking raging fucking psychopath, Nazi racist. Yeah, well, I met... That type of guy, in my opinion. Is that his only brother? Yes, no, he's got two others. Oh, okay.

He's got one of them. They're like, he's like you. He's got these series of brothers, and they're all older, except for his twin. And his twin is like twice his size and doesn't look anything like him. I don't even, I... Like my family, it makes no sense. It's like five, you know, it's like... There's no point.

My dad, you know, as far as I know, my dad didn't have any porn or he liked country Western singers, you know, like, but why was he fucking my mom so much? Was your mom a looker in her day? She had big tits. No, well, when he first met her, she had pronounced buck teeth, you know, like a cartoon character. Got him fixed? Yeah, I got him fixed. They got married and she had it hurt. So it's like, I don't know if that was a deal breaker or whatever.

He's like, you know, get the teeth fixed and we'll get married or whatever. But, I mean, just like, just doing the math on it, it would, you know, it's like, why? I mean, you know, David and Larry, you know, you had John, okay, you fucked up, you know, rubber broke or you, you know, listen to God or something. But after that, you know, my brother, Jeff, why? It makes no sense. And then me, you know, at least I was a sense. What's the age gap between you and the oldest? 10 years.

So they just fucking fired them off. So five total? All right. So it's every couple of years? Yeah, but there's a dead one or two probably in there. I can't imagine our litter was without some dead ones. I think I had a dead aunt or uncle. I remember being young when they told me that.

And I'm like, wow, it's weird that never comes up. what happened to that uncle? Did it, was they stillborn or something like that? Yeah, it used to be a, I think they get awarded now. I don't know if I've ever had a miscarriage. It seems like I must have. Maybe you just missed it. Anyway, so they have this Catholic Mass, and evidently Carly Boy,

here's the thing, Carly Boy, you give them three seconds. he'll be that derricky kind of guy, but then immediately goes into talking about himself and his, you know, and, like, he just goes on and on. How many kids are in that family? Evidently, like, a mob-related. His grandfather was kind of in the mob or mob-adjacent, and he just goes on these tears.

And so he evidently does this at Becker's Memorial, goes up on stage, it says like three nights, words about Becker and then goes on a tear about himself and then his ex-girlfriend, whatever is the girl that, yeah, the girl that has nice things to say about him still, was there with her mother evidently and her mother is like this raging, fuming. I picture her exactly like Tanya Harding's mother in that movie, I Tanya, that's exactly what I picture and I bet I'm not wrong. Yeah.

She starts yelling. There's only, like, that means like two other people they don't know at this memorial. And she's like, he's just talking about himself. That's not, this isn't a memorial.

He's just talking about himself. God, yeah, it sounds perfect. And then the daughter goes up and she's going to take communion or whatever. They're both going to take communion. She's like, you can't take communion.

You never come to church. Oh, man. Yeah, like a fucking deaf church lady. Those are a tough. Have you performed it a memorial? I think we have a similar story

and there's so many stories like this where I had to follow this small bar that we worked a bunch of times in Salt Lake when we were young. And this giant Viking of an owner he's a like ran book out of the place took sports bets

and he had this just big fucking must anyway. They do it. a benefit for whatever, and his wife has it, MS, probably. And this guy goes up, this guy that would book the show every week at this place, he'd do a benefit, because it only sat like 55 people. So if he did a benefit for the homeless, well, all the homeless people that run the thing

are going to sell it out, and a portion of the proceeds. So they happen to do one that the fucking owner's wife has, or died of or something. something and he goes up and he starts blubbering given this sappy ass and this guy is fucking uh ben davidson remember the old miller like commercials taste great less feeling and fucking odis cistrook picks up the pool table and all the balls go in the corner and they yeah ben whatever anyway this guy and i had to follow it and now here's comedy kind of like following Alex Jones uh-huh The incident in Austin. Yeah.

All right, anyway, here's Doug Stan. They did, it was a kid got shot at graduation, and I was in Vegas, and I was headlined in this show. It was a benefit to raise money for this kid who got shot a couple nights earlier. And then before the show, he died, unfortunately. but nobody saw fit to pull the plug on the comedy if they would have done that I would have gotten out of that evening without any bad memory how long ago is this this was about nine 10 years ago all right because there's the the guy got drugs from at that point went religious

and then went to prison for abusing women and then it's back out doing Jesus stuff, but it's like, you know, I mean, it doesn't seem like that many years, but you see it through another lens. Well, this will put this in perspective is when you did that benefit for a kid suicide? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's 10 years ago. Okay, so yeah, this was before that. Yeah.

That was with Junior and Sean Rouse on that ill-fated, what did you even have a name for that? Comedy Killers. We killed comedy along the way, but it was, yeah, it was a fucking rough ho. But the first one was a suicide awareness benefit, but then that crazy lady that helped set that up was my girlfriend back in middle school, and she was my girlfriend because her dad was sexually abusing her, so she was already into some of the stuff that I was fiddling around for or whatever. but she put this together. I didn't, I wouldn't, like, I'd been to her place a couple of times through going through Florida or whatever,

and I never quite put it together that there was heroin going on there. So that was a bummer. Somebody go in and then they come in. Well, you jumped in on it. Well, I did heroin, yeah. I participated in then drag Sean Rouse into the heroin that night. You don't really have to drag him. But we smoke crack.

A-Wallflower. What drug are you doing over there? Come over here. But that was a, yeah, that was a shit show. To raise awareness about why suicide would be better than doing that kind of a tour. Oh, but the one I was starting, I was thinking of, though, is my mom, at her funeral, I was going to say something or whatever, but I was, you know, waiting. And my wife and daughter sat behind my dad, not my real dad, the guy who married her late in life

and sitting there with hospice. That's where he was just a little behind her. But he was sitting there and then he shit himself. My wife and daughter go and sit behind him. And then I sit there and I'm immediately gone, oh, fuck, this is not a good situation. and my uncle, Bill, who's a pretty good, you know, he was a salesman, and he was up there, and he was, you know, saying a lot of cool stuff about my mom, and people were laughing and everything.

And I did not want to follow him, but I could not stay there and breathe my grandpa Bob or Daddy Bob's shitpants. So I rushed, I kind of arrived. I didn't grab the mic from my uncle's hand, but I was close. going, and then I got choked up, I was having trouble breathing in, and choked up, and then I, I mean, it's just like I didn't say anything good

or anything interesting, but I totally blame him shitting himself because there's no way, you know, I could sit there any longer. I knew the smart thing would be to let my brother Larry go up, start blubbered and cry, and then go out and make money, him, and move on. but I didn't get that chance. I was the one that opened for Larry

who killed. All right, well, that segues beautifully. You saw the video where I... Carly Boy and all those guys that went up every week to nobody at Chuckleheads. I went to City Council.

City Council has a three-minute call to the public. Anyone can sign up say whatever they want for three minutes. Panel doesn't address you. You can't ask them questions. The council's just there to let you vent. And I've been there back in the day when we used to go there all the time.

Yeah, you heard people just rampled crazy fucking, you know, talking to themselves in a park kind of stuff and found a microphone like a bug light and back, bat, bat. So I went and I said, we're going to turn this into a like Kill Tony kind of open mic thing where if they they just try to make city council laugh in a minute or three minutes. and so then that that got good traction but then all the local guys wanted to do it so we had to go back and I actually do it it's only funny if you do it and I did since I did start the thing I felt I didn't want to go I wanted

to watch through the window but if they're going to do it I should do it and I knew from seeing it's going to go badly you need to you need to pitch the council If you want better comedy shows, you know, we're going to have to have a budget. Because I think we kind of, you know, it's an okay show if you're just going out and, you know, doing karaoke. But you don't want to, you know, you don't want to show up. Next week, Joe Rogan. I'm still like, well, because we have city council coming up Tuesday. day.

Yeah, I kind of like the... Andy's, you've got to do something. I want to... Yeah, I mean, the challenge would be to get to know the council a little bit this week and, you know...

They can't interact. Yeah, yeah. No, I would say that... Or maybe even shit on comedy night. We have five days to figure an angle. Yeah. I could go on about...

Seriously, with all the horrors that you hear about every, do you really, do you want to break that up with comedy? Come on, man. Those aren't jokes. Jokes are like this, hey.

That's what I grew up as a joke. I don't know who these clowns are. Yeah, I just got in from Tucson and men are my arms tired, you know, because I flew, you know, that's comedy. But this is somebody talking about their purse. personal problems. That's a lot of hooey. When ICE is plooping boys in custody, licking their shit. Oh my God. I did do it. I kind of want to go in incognito. Well, the one that

the best one was the one we did in Des Moines. Yeah. Yeah. I check it out on that. I used the Bible. I had the Bible. I had the Bible and waved it around in a room full of Midwesterners. So I basically like, I got a gun right here. And I ain't afraid. And it opened it out. It was a town hall on whether or not to legalize gambling on some level. And Andy, we brought Bibles for whatever. We had a plan.

But it was just already too tense because just like here. People, yeah, it was amazing. They were taking it seriously. There's town hall meetings. Nobody gives a shit about. And then there's the ones where, Everybody, you know, never been to town. They want to get heard and all that.

This was one of those. Oh, yeah, that's what it was. It turned out we thought we'd be able to speak and that wasn't going to happen. You had to write on a card your question for them and then they would read it. And Doug was going to be the pro arguments for gambling. Like, you know, let's like open up the hooker industry by having, you know, one vice. It's going to bring money in. One vice will bring in others.

And I was going to be. be the, you know, the beating Jesus guy. So I had the Bible and the, anyway, it turns out we're not going to be able to speak. So Andy just stood up from the fucking, there's these, there's two old ladies behind me that didn't like this guy. And he was speaking on the mayor's behalf. His name was Phil, I think, and they kept going when he would say something. And he was, he was there to fill the time. There's a, there's a guy you could pick out. There's the liberal, you know, he looks like me. He's got a sweater or, you know, aged hippie. And, and he brought up something. He brought up. something about money and then I stood up and I said how much of that money's going to go into your

pockets Phil and then I just started right here in the Bible it says right here in the Bible and then and he just opened up and read this random Bible if you dig a pit and somebody's donk donkey or oxen falls into that pit then the community is responsible for repayment of that donkey or oxen was basically the gist of it and I slammed it shut like point made mic dropped out and out But yeah, they were like, you sit down, sir, you can't, you can't speak it. And I go, I'll be heard. I have the word of the Lord. Man, they all had to sit there.

It's amazing if you put, you know, what I learned from that is, yeah, fucking, you know, it's stronger than yelling fire. No, I got the word of the, you will listen. In the Midwest, they didn't know, you know, wait, it might be in, if I tell him to sit down, it might be in sacrilegious, or, well, let's. it's all sitting here what this man has to say he's representing our book i went to one and eugene when they were they closed the ice rink and my daughter was really upset by it and i i i called uh bullshit on the what they quoted is what it would cost for whatever or whatever they're

quoting anyway i yeah i and i and i was there because it mattered to me my daughter wanted to keep skating they were going to close the ring and i was there and it's It's just like looking at the fucking buffoons on the council. There's this guy who'd been on there forever who held it. He had a tea mug and at some point he held it up. It's like watching this like this is one of the votes. There's five votes and that guy's looking for, are you looking for a marshmallow in your cup, sir?

I know we're not supposed to address you. But unless you had a hot cocoa and you're looking for a marshmallow, that's fucking baffling. I call Alzheimer's. Anyway, we're here to talk about the ice. shrink but yeah I did a spiel on it and then looked at it just looking at it you lose heart you know it's like up and then they did I plan B was I was I was going to I found out he's no longer there fleener fliener talked about his rhododendrons and some he was waxing on about it

how him and his wife like to sit on their porch and on the river and and he named specific town and look at those rhododendrons and I was like all right I'm going to fucking go cut that guy's I just thought of the only maybe the only truly funny thing that James Inman did on purpose is his city council thing is still you've seen it I'm sure he did from like 1990s was that the one very young James Emma where he's screaming about he had gotten arrested yeah but yeah it's it's doing something wrong it's really why it's perfection because he he's there talking about the W-O-T-O-ROT?

Something, yeah. Yeah, and he talking to go, okay, I wasn't at the riots, but I was arrested a week earlier for publicly urinating. So now he switched from the whole topic of that to him peeing in public, which is his own thing,

and he's presenting a pro argument for, I should be able to pee, and then he kind of goes back into the other. And then he goes into this, the Hixian, like, meaning he probably stole pieces of it. You're beady-eyed, your heart, Herbert, educated.

Your funk and waggno's, vocabulary, and it was, it was truly, he delivered it perfectly, brilliantly, gut a round of applause for it, but I was just thinking,

what a fuck with is if I went and did his exact ran to city council. I would have to set it up differently, but the whole ranty funny part is I would just steal that outright. That was, he was on another,

town hall type of thing did you see that it was a real short clip was that fucking dude ABC dude who looked like an alien fuck and anyway in Manasso I think goes what about aliens or you know he was just like a I think he might even been off camera

fuck what's that Peter Jacobs can you do me a favor and grab the on the beside the sink by the smoothie maker I have an open... What do you need? There's an open can of... There you go. There's an open can of soda

and open on the rocks margarita. Yeah, you got it. I need ice. This is why I drink wine. You know what? In the Cloud. In the Cloud, you don't have to leave the house to get the goods to fix what ails you.

Indicloud brings your favorite THC products right to your door, whether you're kicking it on the couch or burying dog shit in the backyard. Indicloud has everything you need to kick back and have fun. Soda flavored gummies, zero-calorie THC sodas because sugar is the devil, as well as premium vapes, fat pre-rolls. Don't shame my pre-rolls. High quality flour, THC, cereal bite edibles. Perfect for a day on the couch.

Cereal bites, it's, they call them fruity flakes. But, you know, it's like a fruity, flaky cereal. But that's the one I do because it's very low in sugar, which is the devil. Indiclod products are federally legal THC. Everything sold as DEA certified. and lab tested. If you're 21 or older, go to indecloud.co.c.0.com. If you are high while you're listening to this,

and use code Stanhope for 30% off your first subscription order. That's Indicloud.com. Code Stanhope for 30% off delivered routinely and discreetly to your door, plus free gifts for on qualifying orders. After you order, fill out the survey. Tell him Doug Stanhope set you. that's how we'll get back to where we were. So somebody told you you were in the Epstein files?

Yeah. Did you ever Google? No, this was before the Epstein files were released. I was in the files that state records of when they confiscated to shit when I get arrested for the first time. I don't know. It was before, but some files that were already out. and it was just

people that were like emailing links to my bits but still technically in the Epstein files weren't some other people it was like Ron White or something

I've heard comics talk about going there who are all right yeah they're the ones you would suspect uh yeah well Woody Allen yeah well Woody Oh, Bobby Slayton.

Yeah, that's it. Slayton and then there was two other guys with him, but Slayton was the invitee. I can see Bobby Slayton knowing him. He seems like a guy that would do a lot of privates in Florida for guys like that. He's very angry, but it's like silly, angry. Yeah, my wife is such a cunt.

Yeah. He's the pit bull of comedy. Yeah, he's still doing, you know, again, Hold my wife's purse DeMal kind of jokes He just says, Cunt afterwards. Is he,

these things he's still out? Yeah, I'm sure he is. Wow. But he's probably, if he's working, he's probably wobbling into the Corporates, fucking, yeah.

Yeah, a lot of, he probably does a lot of Jersey dates. You notice a lot of those guys that, like Dr. Dirty John Valby, and they're fucking 80 and they still sell out places in New Jersey.

remember that time we played the place it was a it's such a cliche but it happened because joe vernon sent us the pictures before we even got there of uh as a new jersey fucking you know a weekend kind of you know uh like a madman uh meets the sopranas kind of steak joint and it had uh friday prime rib lobster live comedy doug comedy doug stanell So yeah, those are the kind of places that does, well, you know, it's nice. I don't know what, anyway, let's get, let's get back on point because I, so.

Becker? Well, yeah, so Carly Boy does that. Then they all show up to do open mic the next council Tuesday. They're every first and third. And I really, I'm not going back there. After this debacle, I say that, but I'm already, as knowing you're going to go up, now I'm scheming. But anyone, first and third Tuesday, I got word back. I don't want to go into it.

But someone said, they're trying to figure out how to make this stop. And so-and-so thinks you could make this a First Amendment issue. And they're suppressing your freedom of speech. And I'm like, I'm not, no, this is a goof. I'm not going to start some fucking Larry Flint battle. No, it's a goof and it really did go poorly because like five or six comics, seven or eight if you include like bingo,

Bingo just folded a fitted sheet, which she can do brilliantly, and she did it in under a minute. This is what the fucking mainstream media doesn't want you to hear. I won't even give you the fucking pleasure of hearing your stupid fucking, fucking, As long as there's

electricity, I'm not going to learn how to fold a bottom sheet because you just throw it in the dryer before making the bed and it's all wrinkle-free. Yeah, that's why the benefit of only owning one pair of sheets is, is you go wash them and put them right back on the bed. There's no interim sheets. There's no reason

for a change of season. So, five or six, seven comics or people... I saw a clip of it, Jen, I think, put it up, and I just, I can I could sense the awkwardness just from a clip. Didn't get better for anyone. And the lady walking out, just like, oh, I mean, you know,

city council's got to suck, but having poorly executed stand-up comedy as a part of the regular thing. It's like, oh, I'm doing this as a civil service. Yeah, and you know what? If I do go back, it will be to apologize, but I'll say that. I'll say, you know what? Now you know what it feels like to walk through the farmer's market where you don't really enjoy the music, but you're forced to hear it. That was only, we put you, did you ever time?

I'm guessing maybe 23 minutes tops total of all the people that went up from our crew. I don't even think that. Charlie Boy and two, three. There were eight of us, and all of us did three minutes, and a lot of people didn't do their time. that would be 24 minutes. So I would say under 20 minutes, we fucking bothered them.

But my God, if you just get seared with a hot poker for four or five seconds, it's the worst day of your life. It's like being up in court. So the local press, they put up, not the good local press,

the Bisbee Observer, but the humps out in Sierra Vista where they fucking, like, it's somehow, my algorithm when I go to Google News, like whatever Bisbee story they can find, and it's always that shit newspaper, and it's behind a paywall, the fucking hubris. Really? You think I can't find out about the Unified School District thing on Facebook? That's where everyone goes. No one's paying

you fucking $17 a fucking month. Crazy. So yeah, that's, I don't know why. Like all the newspapers that go out of business all the time. Like, why not? That's. I used to get their paper on Sunday because they had the, they had the, it was an old rerun, but they had a full Sunday New York Times crossword. And I would get that because I like the crosswords, the big ones, the New York Sunday Times. But now they fucking switched it out for this cheap ass. You need a fucking jeweler's loop to see the fucking, and they put two of them in there, but yeah, it sucks.

That was the only good thing they did. They covered this. They covered my first one. I didn't read it because I'm not paying the money. Then this one somehow when I clicked on it, it didn't charge me. It said, turn off your ad blocker or get a subscription. No, but I could read it. So this guy, he's done really shitty comedy before.

This writer guy. Used to be the sports beat guy back in the baseball days. And I guess he has a hair up his ass about me anyway. But he would do like occasional open mics at chuckle. heads. And I got some fucking good footage of him, shit-talking me on stage, calling me words that, yeah, probably unprofessional. And I got that tape. So he, uh, oh, shit, he's going to have to wait. Can you text Doc, Doc John that, uh, on podcasting and we'll call him back? Uh, yeah, he's, uh, so he's got an issue and, like, in this, like, he trashes me, takes what I said out of

content. I don't know if that was supposed to be comedy or if he was serious. Well, obviously, I was fucking serious. It was, I, Mike, yeah, and the first time. Serious is a dead guy. I didn't have any punchlines at first time. It was a good idea. And I followed through with it. Yes, using Bisbee cops, body cams to go with the Bisbee Observer. Yes. It's, we've already made the Bisbee Observer kind of famous in our day when Chad Shank would read them. Why don't we have fucking, yeah, that's a sellable idea. Anyway, so this guy goes on, he does trash me, but he goes on to rate the comics, which is like overall, this guy did a good thing. I don't care about your fucking opinion of me, but I do want to go to City Hall and go, listen, I just have to,

because they mentioned me in the press, I want to play, and that would be brilliant. I want to play into the record and have him cover this. I want you to cover yourself in your newspaper, sir, defend this and this type of language and these type of opinions that you stand up publicly and you run this way. In front of possibly children? Right. I like when they always infer that.

That's why they have a paywall at that stupid newspaper so kids don't hear this kind of filth. It's like the only fans of... Kids are old enough to go to Epstein Island and get raped and punished. they're old enough to see the newspaper. Just not be mentioned in it. He ranked the comics.

Like this so-and-so is polished and so-and-so. Oh, yeah. But the top three, like he's doing it. Like a comedy style? Wow. Wow. Well, he gave Carly Boy the number one, like, you know, prize. Winner of the night.

Yeah. Well. And it was, I don't know if it was like a. Prize money. Everyone gets a hug kind of thing. Yeah. Well, put up prize money and see who can deal with pressure. It was kind of the opposite of the Special Olympics where no one was a winner instead of everyone's gets a trophy.

It was, everyone's. I was a hugger at the Special Olympics. I was just, I think I was cut in class and then got rounded up to do that. And I managed to not hug an athlete, but that's what my job was a hugger. But there's like, you know, 16th place. I'm not going to go, he didn't finish. I'm not going to run 50 yards to go hug a guy. He didn't, you know.

But I was, I hugged a couple, but most races I was, uh, let's fist bump. I don't know where I just quoted your bit and stole, but credited your bit about retarded people. or was it on a podcast or what retarded people happy

yeah we want to drink ourselves retarded maybe it was was it on one of those author I think it was one of the author things it was one of the author interviews that you also missed being yeah well

being dumb oh I said yeah you know I was quoting Dr. Andy Andres once said how about special needs people as a and I quoted your bit about retards there's you're the happiest people 9-11 was a tough day for a lot of Americans but not if you're retarded you got over that shit quick went on with your day retarded retards are always happy that's the thing you know

unless they lose their swim trucks and then they're raving lunatics for about 10 minutes till you get them swim trucks and they're right back to happy you don't see retarts out there going hit the war for oil We're going to pay those terrorists out of their own pocket. Oh, those were easier days to make fun of retarded folks. Yeah. Yeah, you just have to call them something different. J-Sixers, no, not anymore.

Now they're vindicated. Fuckers. Well. I was waiting to hear that bird coup and it took this time to not. I need to do this with. a pen and paper because when you're talking, I'm like focusing. Does my face look like I'm listening? Because I'm trying to just remember that thing I thought of that will probably not segue at all. And then I forget it. Then I look at your hat and I remember playing Buffalo. And then I remember

hearing on that dumb book on tape about the stupid facts that we don't have Buffalo in North America. There's no such thing. And that's like, well, does the town of Buffalo know this? Did Buffalo, they're bison. Buffalo are like in the water buffalo and fucking Africa are actual buffalo. Then I think, oh my God, the hockey games on, speaking of Buffalo, we're missing the Utah Mammoth game.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The Sabres, my team of, hadn't been in the playoffs in years. And I got this hat. Now all of a sudden. You're wearing it with a college football t-shirt and I think that clashes. I don't think this is a color, is it?

Yeah, isn't that the ducks? No, I think it's the aluminum. All right. Well, maybe if you'd face me while we talk. I'm a fifth generation Illuminati. I thought that was Oregon Ducks. No. I'm face the camera.

We're, uh, yeah, we're trying to figure out. I don't know when I'm going to see Andy again. So we're just trying to pound the fucking rock and get as much footage in in the next week before I have to go into prison. It's a fucking, it's like, uh, what do they call it? one of those golf club resort type of, it's a white collar prison, but I'm going to have to go away for a few months.

And do you know what? You have to pay your dues to society. I'm just doing some road dates to make up for all the places that you gave me shit for not coming to in 2025. So, yeah, we're going to, I don't know, Southern California and Houston. And then some other places. You're going.

Yeah, I always say, you know, I always say we all my whole, because it was usually, you know, that meant we was Tracy and Bingo and Chaley. And there was always a we that was going out in a giant suburban with a trunk load of merch. Get your merch now. If you want me to sign shit, I will, but I'm not going to be making change. Just buy this. I'll just sign the shit you bought on the website. But do it quick.

what are you going to be doing Andy? First of all, you guys got to just bust Andy's balls to come out to where you are. Find a bar. If you can just do the fucking legwork, Andy will show up. Find a fucking...

Oh, I thought you were talking to the Aussies. No, no, I'm talking to the listeners. Yeah, I don't know how to book myself. I don't do a lot of that. And people like, yeah, Whitehead, San Antonio. I went out and played there. White cotton, Whitehead.

That's, I think, one of Burr's guys. Jason Whitehead. I don't. I don't know. There's so many places I've been thinking of since I talked to you. I'm like, you should hit up. And you should, and then I don't write them down. And I'm like you.

You have one good idea, and then you don't remember all that stuff it paired well with. That's why I just made a. salmon with nothing because if I was trying to cook three things that made a plate look full that would have fucked up too of them you're not a you know you like asparagus uh I'll eat yeah that's always a guy that always pairs well with it in my opinion last time I made that uh yellow squash but that's the problem with yellow squash and that's why people tune in culinary tips problem with yellow squash it gets cold immediately. I eat it right off

the steamer. Salt and a little butter spray, not real butter, because that's bad for your heart. Everything's bad for your heart. Yeah. So how do you keep fucking yellow squash hot while you're picking at

the salmon? And then you go back to the yellow squash. It's fucking ice cold because someone inhaled and that much of a breeze. You don't have to cook it all at once, though. This is my next act. That's I'm fucking just going to milk the rest of the 2025 stuff that was had some fucking really good parts and then because the next other than the project we're doing I think I'll

end up just talking about how to you know save your waste and make it into a guess a spring salad oh wait wait for wait for a few a few turns and you can be the cutting and teaching the pores how to stretch a dollar. I fucking, are you, 30 second, buy. I've had a fucking grudge ever since there was some to do, some fucking canoodling about, Gwyneth Palchow, I believe, was said,

oh, I could live off of this much money a week, like whatever welfare people get. And then I like, you're a fucking bitch, you don't know shit. And I'm like, I fucking, that's when I start, started getting into the whole discount meat shit. I just wish I had it. That'd be the funny thing, you know, like you're a rich,

Thurston Howe telling Gilligan how to fucking. I don't think I'm really going to match up to rich. I mean, if I go to Tin Town and hand out some stuff, they'll find me to be wealthy. In a few months walking around in that jacket with just $2 bills, you're going to look like Mr. Monopoly. I ain't saying the economy's headed for a turn. but wait but cutting up you know you're you've always like you know I remember like

dismissed a piece of broccoli and you got dug it off the top of the trash and put it in your freezer bag yeah is that why you don't drink my smoothies yeah yeah you know so I wonder how many people silently don't eat food here on football Sunday if they like they go oh is this neighbor Dave's okay I'll get that because like how open I am a about the poor, yeah. That's how, I mean, Derek had a weight problem. I mean, that's gotta be some part you're helping him out. I mean, he didn't have enough money to get fat on his own, did he?

Well, when fat people, that's the problem is with the poor people's diet. Well, yeah, you can make this for, well, if you have a car to get to Safeway. So, like, I just got almost two pounds of chicken for $3.36 on that. That pickup thing, I don't know what's about it, but you get these massive discounts aside from, like, you look at your receiving, you know, well, why is that only, that's supposed to be 99 cents and they charged me 19 cents, like randomly on stuff. This, this chicken, I got almost two pounds. It was $3.36. It's supposed to be. It's supposed to be. It's supposed to. to be two forty nine a pound but somehow it went down to a dollar ninety nine a pound because

see right there's a whole that's a whole a whole a whole segment for the right and i would be so into it you hear me on stage and yeah genocide's bad but in my head deep discounts You can only hide your true colors for so long. I'm against genocide, but look at the savings. Oh, oh my God. There you go, making it sound anti-Semitic. Yeah, I could teach you. We've had a few ideas.

I'm starting to, because of the city hall, I thought maybe, what if we revisit that comedy death camp we always talked about back in the, what was that douchebag's name that taught comedy with Louis Anderson or tried to? The guy gets heckled. Is the dumb, I can't remember his name. He's some. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can't think of it either. I know who you're talking about.

Kyle Seas. Yeah, he did stand-up comedy. I think he did it, it started out. He's a guy who basically did Rodney Sherwood, a Seattle comic. So he was like a youngster, and he did an impression of Rodney, and then he won this, I don't know, he got some accolades and was in a movie, and then all of a sudden he said, He won Rodney Sherwood's hometown comedy festival.

No, I don't even think he won. I was going to say he won Seattle, but I don't think that's true. But he got, yeah, he got, he was in a movie. I think he was in a Heath Ledger movie. Oh, yeah, no, he was in Scream. He had some goofy face he made that everyone remembered him from Scream, I'm pretty sure. Something like that. Or I know what you did last summer.

Some one of those fucking dumb things. And he was a guy with a goofy face that everyone remembers if they saw that movie. Yeah. Within, you know, five years of that movie coming out. But then, yeah, he fancied himself. And I put up, like, this whole thing. This is how long ago this shit. is it's so hard to judge time bingo had the greatest observation i think where i'm like can you believe

that was like i guess covid like covid that was like six years ago and you go when you get old six years doesn't mean anything that was recently and i go can you imagine what you'd think if you heard six years from now when you were a teenager she goes that's more than high school like six years when you're a teenager like what of high school is two years longer so yeah i forget my point but it was great it was a winner that one slipped away yeah to time to time yeah i think it's time to add some mushrooms to this and do a part two those drugs i found on the airplane that i told you about is this oh wait i'm just tell them about i'm flying back from seeing my granddaughter with my wife you know she's over here masked up and everything and uh and i

just something was like under my foot you know so i i i thought maybe it was something i dropped and i reached under and it looked like a little bit it looked like a tiny amount of lotion like whoa, that's a tiny little. And then it's like, oh, shit, it's like drugs. It's like a whole, you know, thing of it looked like, I assumed it was cocaine. So I blasted it. It was like amber, brown, old-schooly.

They have a little tiny cork in the top. No, it didn't look. It looked like a new, you know, it held a lot. There was a lot in there. It was about that big. And then I tasted it a little at the airport as we were between flights. And I almost got rid of it. Barkey, do you have a tiny spoon?

Yeah, you know, the kind of you do this stuff with it. Does anybody know where them dogs went? Trying to figure out if this is any good. But I got it home and I did a couple of gum test of it. And it was like, I don't know what it is. And I got, I dumped it. I didn't even feel like I was getting kicking a bad habit. But I just go, no, I don't know.

that was you can't be too careful why did you feel the compunction to dump it out if it's garbage anyway I could have I don't know some kind of taken a stand

okay some hobo thinks it's good coke I don't want to know they don't dig through that that shit ain't even I don't know what it is I had a similar problem today where I

I bought some pants at a thrift store. Two pairs of nice fucking vintage leisure pants and they had the sizes inside. I'm like, okay, this is my size and I brought them both home and I put them on and they had been altered. So there's no way this is a

bucket. 32 inch waist. So cut too. I got rid of them. You poured them down the toilet? You dumped them in the toilet? No. What I did

is I went to your thrift store here. and I found pants. I go, these look kind of like those pants. And I bought them again. Both pairs. I'm like, there's no way. I don't think I brought them here.

And then these are worn a little bit. Like, I convinced myself they weren't. And I got them back and I put it on like, motherfucker, these are the exact same. This is like, fucking two inches off. It's not even close. So today, waiting to pick you up when I went to the thrift store in Tucson,

I dropped those pants off. And there's a proper, like, drop off. It's not like here where you just chuck it over the fence. This is like a proper guy comes out, and you ring a bell, and they fucking think. And I'm, like, I'm leaving, and I'm going, I should have told him that you have to measure that waste. Because someone else, just like you didn't want a drug dealer getting a fucking bad vial. I don't want a fucking size 32 getting home going, motherfucker this is like a 29, a bet you fuck.

And then he drops him off. And it's a vicious cycle. You've had to tighten your belt enough. You don't need to deal with you buying the same pants over and over. And I tighten my belt every time I use a nice lean chicken. And we're going to go over chicken a la king, the smart way. Next time on dishes with Andy. Dishes with Andy.

Yep. Get those up. If you're at Costco, grab a rotissory chicken on your way out, and Doug will tell you what to do with it. These motherfuckers in Safeway.

Once I rip out the carcass. Yeah, get me going. The fucking sale paper like three, four weeks in a row. Buy five rotissory chickens, pre-cooked rotisserie, and get one free. Who's buying fucking six chickens at one time?

The fucking Blues Brothers stopped at two. Because that was already funny. All right. More Safeway talk. You know what I want to do? This is enathema to having a good

relationship with the community. But Bengo and I started this as just our own goof on Saturday. And I want to do it with the Safeway Cam that we had set up early days of you coming here and do like, oh, it would be actually funnier to do. the actual farmers market and then go there's another farmers market I kind of prefer and then we do

Safeway which you know if you want to start a problem is choose Safeway over community values in this town and hope see if they get that I'm kidding no they won't they won't whatsoever but yeah all right All that coming up after the future episodes. Over the summer, our summer break is going to be clogged with more content that you could ever imagine. Click.