The Doug Stanhope Podcast - The Bisbee Cliffhanger pt.2: Nowhere Man and A Whiskey Girl

Episode Date: November 6, 2013

Part 2 of the Bisbee Cliffhanger Podcast. Doug, Bingo, Chad Shank and Steve Drew go over the grim details of the events that followed the Cliffhanger Podcast. Engineered by Steve Drew. Edited by Greg Chaille (@gregchaille). Music by Nowhere Man and A Whiskey Girl, available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. When heart from breaking I would not Hi, Lord. That's an amazing offer, man. Thank you so much. You are a generous guy. And I'm sure part of it's because you feel guilty for causing this in the first place. For giving me this.

But I have a little money saved, and I'm going to get a job somewhere. I hear Sully's going to be hiring, and I think I'm probably underqualified, but I don't know. I've got connections in the gold, so I'll be able to get a job somewhere until Amy heals. Thank you. I love you. If only I could start again, I would Don't you worry, buddy.

When they cut open her heart, there's going to be a big picture of me inside of there and spray-painted on an artery wall. It's going to say Whiskey and Stanhope. It's E-L-A. I know I can stop one heart from breaking. I will not live in pain

and I can't ease one life. The aching and cool one pain I say as I do more. I'm trying to convince Amy to just come home and both of us eat tons of morphine and just go out big like rock stars. She's on this like, I'm going to get better, blah, blah, blah, thing like she she's gonna conquer this and get healthy. And I'm fucking tired, man.

I just want to fucking take like 50 morphines and drink some whiskey and go play guitar with Jimi Hendrix. My love, so true. My love, so true And I won't be like that long I'll say you're so sad I must've been all gone We had a good time I'll try to be the same It's me in both of your rectums After I discovered the bodies

Say Goodbye Holy shit, you are a twisted motherfucker And that's just what I need right now Thank you I really love you, man Goodbye Hey, that was Nowhere Man and a Whiskey Girl. This is part two of the Cliffhanger Podcast,

and I have to start with a warning. A, if you have not listened to the first part of the Cliffhanger Podcast, this will be completely lost on you. So shut it off now and go back and do that. It's on DougStanhope.com on the podcast button. I don't know. You found it the first time.

I've never listened to this shit. and uh b if you're coming here for closure or some sweetheart memorial service this is really not the place we do that shit on our own time yes this is uh to follow up and uh celebrate the only way we know how we're broadcasting live from the uh house of nowhere man and a whiskey girl uh that uh i own and we can't even find lights that work like the fixtures are all fucked up like what kind of slumlord did you think that i was that you wouldn't even ask me to fix the fucking lights but they don't work i swear they don't uh i guess i i should back up if you listen to the first one i guess there's some guy out in slovenia that listens to this on the cheap and that's his only i assume everyone knows what happened between Cliffhanger 1 and Cliffhanger 2, but you probably, some of you don't. So in Cliffhanger 1, Whiskey Girl was going in for open-heart surgery

to replace possibly two valves in her heart, and Nowhere Man was there saying, I guess we were kind of, well, I'm always betting that she's going to die in any circumstance. I taught her the word moribund. What does that mean? About to die. I'd always fuck with her. Any future event that's going to happen.

She had lupus. So as soon as I found that out, celebrity death pool. I can't mock dead people I don't know and not mock dead people I do know so when she said she had lupus anyway

if she said oh what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving any future event probably going to your funeral because you're going to be dead and yeah

it was a running joke and that running joke led into her open heart surgery about to happen. So we did that podcast on the fly with Nowhere Man when he came back from the hospital going, hey, this will be funny. He gets the joke. And so we rushed Chaley into putting that podcast out quicker than any podcast we've ever put out.

Like we actually do this for a living so yeah that went out on the sunday and monday morning before the open heart surgery whiskey girl died yeah not how the joke was supposed to go so then we're leaving for the road uh chaley and i literally have our bags at the front door about to leave the house and bingo as well and she gets the call from nowhere man that she died and bingo she's not fucking handled to deal with this shit so she she cancels her trip on the road with this shit so she she cancels her trip on the road chaley and i get on the plane we go there say hey you take care of nowhere man tell him we'll fucking fly you both out as soon as he gets back here don't let him sit in this shit we'll fly you both out on the road or wherever the fuck you want to go just get him out of here we. We get on the plane, dressed like assholes, as

we do with our 70s leisure suits. Jesus, there's people there. The fuck is that? It's Derek's stereo. The radio just came on. That's weird. We're in Whiskey Girl and Nowhere at a man's house where nothing works, but the stereo just came on. All right, that's weird. We're in Whiskey Girl and Nowhere, a man's house where nothing works,

but the stereo just came on by itself. Not that I'm going to start selling this as a haunted house. I'm not going to do that. I don't need the money. Yeah, that's kind of creepy as shit. We should have found out what song it was or something for the urban legend. No, that was perfect. I'm a lonely boy.

I'm a lonely boy? Just crank. All right. I just get some goosebumps. All right, yeah. That's the bad thing about being an atheist, is that all that logic that you... I'm a proponent of, no, that's dumb,

but you want to believe that that just meant something. But I have to discount all my atheist beliefs to say that. Anyway, so yeah, so Chaley and I were on the plane, dressed like fuckheads, because we always dress like fuckheads because we get bumped up to first class a lot and i always find it important to look like you don't belong in first class if you're gonna get the upgrade you should look like a cunt because i like those looks of people going who are you why is that guy dressed up but now i'm like intermittently crying. At one point, Chaley saw me with my floral eye mask on and my fucking Anchorman 70s leisure suit.

And there were tears coming from underneath the eye mask. It was fucking ugly. And Bingo came back and you were nowhere man came back and spent the afternoon with you. The whole day. Doing. Well and spent the afternoon with you. The whole day. Doing. Well. Eat the mic, lady.

I don't know if I'm ready. You talk. All right. I'm sorry. I'm not ready. All right. Well, I'll tell you what we did. We drank like a motherfucker because when dead friends die, when they when friends die that are not supposed to be dead

that's what you do is you day drink with reckless abandon because when someone who isn't supposed to die dies it puts all of the rest of your world in perspective where nothing matters the gig doesn't matter

the bar tab doesn't matter I have 10 sneaky bottles of vodka that I got through on airport security. I don't need, fuck it. We're just going to go to the bar and spend $13 a piece and keep them coming. Fuck it. And that's what we started doing.

Bingo, I'm talking to you from the house. Okay, I'm with them when I get to Atlanta. We're on a layover call. Now we're pretty fucked up even Chaley was crying at the bar which yeah Chaley even Brian Hennigan had to admit he showed emotion

when he found out so I call you yeah he said that he felt actual emotion no one witnessed Brian Hennigan having emotion, for the record. But, yes. The fact that he would admit it.

Usually, if he had an emotion, he'd lie about it and bury it in a fucking yard somewhere. No, I didn't have one. So, I call you Bingo. Bingo, I'm talking to you. I know, I'm trying. Okay. Keep this on your Bingo I'm talking to you I know I'm trying Okay Keep this on your chin I'm trying

Yeah so I called you At the house You're with Nowhere man And he's doing Pretty fucking well We're doing good We're doing good

At this time We're having some beers He was with He was the one Who had to tell the doctors To let her go. And it was pretty fucked up. So then they cleaned her up,

and he got to be with her and hold the body for a while. And then he told me, because we were going to go up to go on the road, and he's like, no, bingo, you stay at the house. I'll come down. And he got on the road right away. He was in Tucsonucson with her and yeah the hospital and bailed on the shit to come down on everything and he was just like you

and then you were gonna fly out yeah so we're hanging out and having beers and it was really beautiful honestly i mean we were we were totally choked up sometimes but mostly it was it was really fucking beautiful what i said on the road when i talked about this is the the dead friend day drunk is where you drink and then you cry and then you laugh and someone says something inappropriate and then you laugh more and then you cry and you drink more and it sounded like you were having the same we were doing the same thing and one of it was we we couldn't figure out i mean he had come down here not telling a soul that amy died not he didn't tell a soul he told he told his mom and his sister that am was getting better after she had died. After he had seen the body. Yeah.

He couldn't handle it, you know. So he came down and we were talking about that. And we couldn't figure out how to fucking do it. Like, who the fuck do you call? How do you say it? How do you get those words out of your mouth? And we were just trying to say it ourselves out loud. And,

you know, I was my dumb, I was like, yeah, we should just Facebook it. And he just started laughing, but he, he couldn't figure out how to phrase it funny.

And that's when he was so adamant on having you do that. And that's when we were texting you and trying to call you and figure out how you have to do this for us. Cause we can't do it. We could not do it. That's when Chaley choked up at the fucking Atlanta Sky Bar Sky Club. OK. Hey, good.

Hey, this is a great time to plug Delta Sky Club. Hey. No, we were in the Sky Club and Chaley choked up and he's like, Brian, they're not emotional guys. Yeah. And so I'm like, I don't I can't do Facebook on my phone. So I'm making him figure it out. We're shit-faced. We've been drinking since Tucson.

So he figures it out and I'm all thumbs trying to. And I just decided to write it in her voice. Hey, sorry, bad news. I'm dead. I'm dead. Et cetera. Do something nice for someone. I don't remember. But I put it in her voice yeah hey sorry bad news i'm dead i'm dead etc do something nice for someone i don't i don't remember yeah but i put it in her voice and because we waited for a while and he just kept bugging me about it just like did you call stanhope did you is he gonna do it is he gonna do it you know and when it finally came up he read it and he just sat in front of the computer and um

and just cried and he just kept saying over of the computer and just cried and he just kept saying over and over again, it's perfect, it's perfect, it's so beautiful. And for a little while, we watched people's comments come up, but when shitty comments came up, like, is this a joke? Then we were like, fuck this, whatever.

But he was so happy about it. He was so happy about it. So the next day, after the dead friend day drunk well wait wait a sec i mean like i really have to say how happy he was he kept he kept talking to meatwig the cat and he kept talking to the sky and he just kept saying over and over again you know amy you're out of pain you're out of pain i'm so happy i, Amy, you're out of pain. You're out of pain. I'm so happy. I'm so happy you're out of pain. He just kept talking to this guy over and over again.

It was a big, long conversation with Amy. And he was. He was happy. Eagle. No, no. I'm good. I'm good. you go no no no i'm good uh so the next morning we wake up in a fog which is the worst hangover is the dead friend day drunk hangover because then you just racked up a giant i'm plugging

things i used as a bit that i will never use again on the road into this to try to give it some context and a timeline. But the next day, Chaley and I are fucked. I have not worked on my act, and our friend's still dead. So we get shitty, greasy breakfast in Nyack, New York, and the phone rings, and it's bingo, even more hysterical. And when I picked up the phone, she's like, I don't know what to do. You have to help me.

And my thought was, what did she get deader? Because I'm a miserable prick in the morning. I didn't say it, but I'm like, what is she deader? Come on, listen. And yeah, no, she was staring at his body he killed himself and she's looking at the body and i i said you know did you call 9-1-1 was my first thing after i know, a gulp. And she said, no,

that'd probably be the first thing to do. You're right on that. Yeah, maybe you want to call them first. And you could hear his mother screaming in the background and I just, ah, fuck. So, but you woke up to his mother. She still didn't know that Amy was... Eat the mic.

You're the sound man, for Christ's sakes. By the way, Chad Shank and Steve Drew from here in Bisbee who were around for all of this. Steve Drew is our de facto Chaley running the board, so if the sound sucks, don't blame Chaley. We're just doing what we can with what we got. We make do. But Derek's mom still doesn't know that Amy's dead at this point.

She does now. That's why she came over. Oh, okay. See, I thought. Yeah. Because she didn't know why he didn't tell her. Yeah. How did she find out?

Facebook? Oh, my Facebook post. Oh, that's fucked up. All right. Yeah, all right. I was not here for all of this. All I know is I have to go out on the road and try to make funny out of this or despite this. So I wasn't around.

There's a lot of shit I don't know that happened that I didn't want to know until. So Nowhere Man. We keep saying Derek is Nowhere Man. Amy is Whiskey Girl. So we vacillate. So Derek's mother didn't know. Derek was telling his mother that she's fine and getting better and they'll have surgery in a couple weeks. Yeah.

Exactly. But then she sees. Yeah. Well, somebody tells her off of Facebook or whatever. So she came over here. She came over here, and then that's when I woke up was she ran over to our house because we live 10 feet away. And so I came here by myself.

Because she was screaming. Yeah. was i was in here with the body by myself for that's when i was calling it oh god don't worry this won't become a memorial service this is a goddamn podcast and if you don't want it to be take uh tones of uh inappropriateness fuck off because they enjoyed it listen to part one fuckers yeah listen to part one i'll play you some voxes uh yeah yeah play the that box of derrick yeah i'll play that Vox of Derek. We might have to pause. So yeah, so then I called Reverend Derek, our friend, and Chad Shank. Once I heard about that, you take over. This is the shit I haven't heard. Well, I was listening to the first podcast when you called me.

I hadn't listened to the first Cliffhanger podcast. So when you called me. You were in the middle of that. I was listening to Noah, man, joke about killing himself if Amy dies. So I was pretty taken aback. But I hurried up and got down here. And then Steve was already here. I called Steve. Yeah.

And Reverend Derek was already here. I called Steve. Yeah. And Reverend Derek was here. And that was when you called Reverend Derek and told him to start hammering in a for rent. Yeah, no, we tried to start with the gallows humor only. If you have to understand Reverend Derek, he's not old. He's probably 38 or so. But he's been in an accident. old he's probably 38 or so but he's been in an accident so he has this glaring limp that is one leg drags behind the other and he has the you know a thousand yard stare of a pervert so i told him while the body was still in here and the police tape was still up i go just limp down there and slowly start hammering a for rent sign in on the front lawn.

Like some horror movie caretaker. Yeah, I thought that was hilarious. If you could picture him doing it, god it it was funny so basically steve got here chad got here and these guys were these guys were my cleanup crew yeah i didn't know i would assume that you see the crime cleanup places but bisbee arizona 5500 people. No, they go, eh. I thought the same thing. I was like, is Alta still here? I was like, oh, shit.

But his mom left and said she wanted to come back and stuff. He shot himself through the head so people listening. Laying in bed. Laying in bed. So the matter is still in the bed and around the bed. On the walls. On the walls. On the walls. What's that?

They never do that. Sorry, you're not on a mic. Cleanup crews never do that is what Alex is in the background. Obviously. Yeah. Usually there's only a call. Later on, I had to do a Google search, and I found out that outside, fire department will hose stuff down for you if it's outside,

but if it's inside, it's basically your responsibility. You can hire... They'll get a cat out of a tree. Yeah. Or get brains out of a bed. You should have thrown a cat in the brains and then thrown them in a tree.

But we knew at this point... That's almost how funny is the cat was under the bed fucking freaked out. Yeah, the cat was under him. Yeah, they did have a cat. It was almost how funny, because the cat was under the bed, fucking freaked out. Yeah, the cat was under him. Yeah, they did have a cat. It was under Derek when I found the cat. It was laying under. But, so yeah, so we knew that his mother was going to come back.

So we had to clean this shit up right away. Well, and Steve was on his lunch break. No, he just came. He had to hurry up and get back to work. Steve came in in his khakis and his work clothes and his tie and some shit like that. His name tag and his paper hat. Yeah.

Come on, I gotta get back. Nobody's on fries. Pays the bills. So Steve and I, we just gathered up all the linen and the mattress. We got that mattress over the, humped it over the fence. Yeah, we just threw it out back of my truck down, and we threw it in the back of my truck. And first Bingo says, let me get garbage bags.

And I thought, wow, we don't want to go through all that shit. We'll just wad it up, throw it in the back of the truck, and I'll take it to the dump. And it's messy, by the way. It's messy. So we get it in there and strap it in my truck. And I go down the road a couple of miles to the dump, where I get in line and I find out that it's not a dump it's called a transfer station which is basically a recycle center so as I'm waiting in line I see other people throw their garbage out and there's prisoners from the prison who go through it all

to separate it to send a recycle so we can't do so I'm like oh shit I can't do that. So I'm like, oh shit, I can't do this. So while I'm in line, I reverse out. Go down. That's when I pulled off the side of the road and did a Google search. How do you dispose of this shit? How to get rid of a body. Oh, is the NSA watching? And it told me to call the Google.

I gotta love Google. It said call the county health department. So I called the county health department and talked to them, and they said you have to put it all in double bags, you know, and you can just throw it in regular trash as long as it's not too. But you have a mattress, and they don't make mattress-sized trash bags. Well, and the mattress, they said you gotta go get some, like, contractor's visqueen, like, disposing of a body. make mattress size trash bags. Well, and the mattress, they said, you got to go get some like contractors, visqueen, like disposing of a body.

They're getting some duct tape and duct tape it all around. But the mattress wasn't too bad. I thought, wow, fuck it. I can play the mattress off as like my old lady had her period on it. Because it wasn't, there was other thick stuff

that soaked up a lot. So the mattress wasn't. Well, I was thinking of alibis. Chad's always thinking of alibis. He spends his days thinking of alibis. You know, stupid shit my dad says, he'll have a book. Alibis, I thought of If you're ever in a pinch. And a pickle.

She said that I could throw away the other stuff just in bags. So I went to the Alco little store down here. Halfway Kmart. Yeah, exactly. And I went in and I thought, alright, I got some garbage bags. Let me find some latex gloves. I gotta stuff this stuff in bags.

We don't sell latex gloves at alco so i had to get elbow length yellow dishwash inseminating gloves yeah so i went outside and then i thought well i didn't know if where i should go to the dump or what so i just stayed right in the parking lot in bisbee in the alco now i told you you called me and i said fucking dump it at the shooting range because that's like a garbage pile of things people just bring out to shoot up and a bullet hole riddled mattress with full of blood yeah that's a who's gonna notice but so between then well i i i considered that plan b i thought if i can't get it through the other thing, I'll take it over there. Because I would rather get turned away at the transfer station and say,

you have to do something different than get caught dumping a bloody mattress in the desert. Hey, you don't have a mic. Stop. This is why we weren't going to have people over. You can jump on her mic if you need to jump in. Go ahead. So, yeah, so that was plan B. Don't Gretchen this up on us.

I figured that would be plan B if I got kicked back and not arrested from the transfer station. But then I basically had to sit out in the Alco parking lot in Bisbee and separate pillows and blankets and shove everything in four garbage bags with big elbow length rubber gloves on. And nobody ever batted a knot. People were pulling in and parking next to me. People were going in the store.

And I'm thinking the whole time, I'm going to get in trouble. All the cops. Nobody ever did. No. Well, that's actually a future podcast. I was going to say, like, when we had to pull you out of a Denny's in a psychotic state, but that won't go out until next week.

So you're stuffing bloodied sheets into bags? Yeah, like a Sons of Anarchy episode in the middle of Bisbee. And if you don't know Chad Shank, and you don't, he looks like the guy that would be stuffing these do-rag-bikery-looking guy stuffing bloody rags into the publicest of public spots in 100 miles is here at that Alco parking lot jamming shit into bags. So you brought it? They took it.

They didn't question me at all on any of it. Mattress they took? Mattress. I had it flipped downside so you couldn't see the mattress. And you just tell the dude that works at the dump in Bisbee. He's not going to investigate shit. What do you got? I got a dirty mattress.

It's garbage. That's how they would sell it at your thrift store here in town. Oh, you can't turn it over. It's $5 if you buy it sight as seen. I think I did say that to Bingo. Hey, the mattress is fine. We'll just flip it over. I think I actually said that to you. You Yeah, hey, the mattress is fine. We'll just flip it over. I think I actually said that to you.

You did. Or maybe I said it to you. No, you said it to me. It wasn't. It was not. All right. So you got rid of that. Bingo had to deal with the family now.

I'm like, just get the fuck out of it. Bingo's, you know, she gets scared. I'm like, just get the fuck out of it. Bingo's, you know, she gets scared. We have Vine videos of her getting scared at putting, like, a big rubber spider that's obviously fake. She should not be dealing with this. I was here when the family was here, and Bingo did really good. Bingo was fucking fantastic.

I was really impressed. I was impressed. As Alex always said about dead people, Alex is a friend of ours who is not on mic, but if you want to be, grab one. But you always said, the sadness comes when they stop bringing food. Like for those first initial days, it's panic and haywire and oh fuck,

and now you have two families fighting over the... Our sadness came when the food arrived. This is you, motherfucker. That was... This is not me. That's me again. Well, I was... Part of my job to hang out here was to kind of keep people from overwhelming bingo.

Because it's a little town. Everybody wants them. So I was going to try to buffer and be like, back so somebody came in before we realized it we were sitting there drinking and brought some food and real nice and uh said just said the wrong thing to bingo and i recognized right away that bingo was trying was about to snap so i was trying to hurt her outside and it didn't work bingo ended up kicking this lady out of that get the fuck out of my house well other people said some shit you jen oh jen was shady bell plug hey this uh suicide and uh death i always want to say murder suicide which is not the case but it rings well because that's what they say it's a death suicide bingo said earlier that he did tell the doctor yes to go ahead so

technically all right let's say murder suicide poetic license it just it makes it yeah it makes it it sounds more has more pafumf as they say in france so pafumf It's a goddamn French word You know Amy and Derek They'd back me up But they're dead They knew French You know nothing

So So yeah Jen was Bingo goes to Alco I have stayed away from everything I have not Ace Hardware Yes

This story is definitely brought to you by Ace Hardware. Yes, this story is definitely brought to you by Ace Hardware where neighbor Dave's asshole fucking kinfolk work in Sierra Vista but not at this branch in Bisbee and someone you went in to buy I was just getting, we were getting keys for the house for Amy's sisters so they could come and go as they please and get what they needed. And yeah, it was just the fucked up things people said. The first thing that was said to me.

This was an employee or a person? An employee. But the first thing that was said to me was oh, did you find the body? Without any setup? Nothing. Not a stranger? Yeah. Yeah. Second thing that was said. Bingo has blue hair and lives in a small town so everyone

knows bingo and bingo has no fucking idea who people are so they know her and they just she just said and this is an employee yeah ace hardware people if you ever need keys made and your most personal business brought up right in your fucking face as the tears are weeping down your eyes and the brains are still on the wall. Ace Hardware. Ask what's on sale. Okay, so me and Jen are now checking out. Now this is in the same visit.

This is the same visit. Now we're checking out. Hang on, hang on. When they said that that did you find the body what did you say i went blank jen what did i say i went blank thanks honey sorry i'm trying to i'm trying to do i'm trying to balance comedy in a horrible story yeah no i just i just went blank and same thing with the yeah she gave me a hug and that was it. And then me and Jen were checking out, getting our keys,

and another fucking employee came up to me and just put one hand on my shoulder and was just like, are you renting out the apartment? You're fucking kidding me. So what price did you drop on him yeah you gotta because again right you know it's a hot property right now yeah it's gonna ghost leave the news in a minute all right yeah uh so uh that was my catchphrase I'm sponsored by whatever made me belch

I so after the hardware store people then you go to the liquor store where some customer if you want to go

so we go to the Bisbee beverage I if you want to go, you can go. So we go to the Bisbee beverage. I know you have to eat that mic. I don't know, maybe you have it yourself turned up too much. These mics are a little hotter than those ones. I have a hard time hearing you in person, so I know you need to eat the mic. So we're just going to get pizza and food. Yeah.

Well, we walk in, and there are no other customers in there. Behind us comes this older guy. I'm not going to describe him, because I don't want anybody to track him down. Every older guy looks the same in Bisbee. Yeah. That's true. No, this guy definitely. Creepy, vagabond.

Trailer for sale or rent. Iepy vagabond. Trailer for sailor rent. I can't sing anymore or we'll have to pay royalties. So he, and neither of us knew this guy. He just walks up to Bingo and he goes, you're Bingo, right? And she's like, yeah. We're happy. We're about to get

pizza. Pizza on a dead man's grave even then it's good highway 92 pizza and liquor stop there doesn't matter who's dead that's a good slice go ahead sorry i'm trying to get sponsorship okay so you're happy and some guy comes up He looks So he says you're Bingo right And she says yeah And he goes well that was a clean sweep of your tenants

We didn't Both me and Steve here are just They're just tenants though According to him But we're just But he kept saying it because Bingo didn't really acknowledge I said, what? But I really, I wasn't offended at this point

because I have no idea, like, I have no idea what he's talking about. He's probably had to evict tweakers like those ones across the street on Van Dyke. He thought he could relate. You know, he's doing the eye, two fingers, eye to eye. Get it? You know, clean sweep.

No, he was. I mean, he wanted her to get it. Like, she didn't understand what he was talking about. But basically, so me and Steve just sat there staring, and we're looking at each other like, what the fuck? And we don't say anything to him. And then he just walks away because I didn't know what to say. We've really discussed moving since this happened.

Yeah, we have. As recently as yesterday. We have. Boulder City, but it's not good for the dogs. Wow. But we won't. We've discussed a lot of things. Yeah, I know.

Like getting the fuck out, changing our lives, getting healthy. But we won't finding that guy and sicking Rottweilers on him we discussed a lot but that's really I'm so happy I wasn't here during that because I would have had to leave

I would have just said a bunch of shit I don't leave my house anyway for the most part I never leave the comforts of my fence I would have had to leave. I would have just said a bunch of shit. I don't leave my house anyway. For the most part, I never leave the comforts of my fence. If you like me, come over here. Because if I had a problem with a guy like that, I'd vacillate. I'd wake up going, I should apologize. I'd spend the afternoon going, well, he's kind of wrong.

I'd spend the night fucking loading chambers to find him. You're the same way. The whole time Steve was telling that story, I was just glad that I wasn't there. You have no safety valve. Zero. I'm very logical until somebody races all of it.

I have to go home and figure out how to buy a gun and all that. You can just take care of business right away. I go, I can't fight. I'm weak. I'll just stew over this for years and decades and watch my hair fall out. But I'll never forget you.

Speaking of thinking about buying the gun. Buying the gun. So everybody, people don't know that we found... We Facebooked the know that okay we facebook the thing we facebook the thing uh and then he i don't i we were cleaning up i found out he died okay i assumed that i'm supposed to facebook his thing yeah because you he desperately wanted you to do amy we just figured the fact there was a lot of things we found out after the fact after he gave me her facebook password and login information and i just posted that i wasn't sitting on there trolling people

just kidding no i'm dead no i'm not i want to fuck you hey who's your mother no i posted that and left but then you found out well actually no when he you told me he killed himself all right that's why he would not he could have written the same thing i wrote yeah well so i assume he's giving me the so i i just posted on her facebook, hey, Derek decided to... Fuck, it's hard to say this shit. It's so hard coming home. I've been on the road, but looking at someone and just saying they're dead.

Derek decided to join me in the night. Yeah. Enjoy a sandwich. Whatever else nice. Yeah. I assume that's why he made me do the first thing yeah but the thing is he well he absolutely knew obviously we found when we were cleaning up the body when we were cleaning up everything we found uh the the police when i was with when i was with derek the police

came and took the body away and they were very cool and i can't thank the police came and took the body away. And they were very cool, and I can't thank the Bisbee police enough. They've changed a lot of my opinions on police, at least the ones here. Not most places. Yeah, no, they were really... And not just because of this, a lot of other instances. Yeah, they were really great. But as we were cleaning up, we found the bag and the receipt for the gun. Yeah, the case.

So what had happened was Amy had died. He held her. They cleaned her up. He told me to stay here. He drove home, and when he hit Sierra Vista on the way home, he bought the gun. He came here. He told me he was going to take a shower and then come over. So he had just bought the gun, completely sober,

completely thought out, and he had the gun ready to go the entire fucking time, the entire day I spent with him. It was his plan. It was his plan. And the funny part. I love this part. Thatad shank and joe be noticed he loaded the whole loaded the entire guy this is not a guy who knows guns nowhere man was a a pixie-ish man i i could say to his face He died like this with his hand like this, Stan Holt. He did.

Flopping in a gay limp way. In a gay limp way. This is how I found him was like this. I'm serious. He was not a gun guy. So he was planning to kill himself and loaded the entire gun. Was it automatic? I believe it was a revolver.

It was a revolver. I saw the gun. Yeah, he had uh it was a revolver yeah yeah loaded the whole thing yeah it's kind of funny you know what it well it is because you know what it made me think of is when we when we were doing death pool i have that pic daniel von bargain who shot himself with a revolver and only loaded one round. And remember he had to call 911. Because he didn't do it right. Because he was still alive. I remember that.

Yeah, we played it. Anyways, the guy shot him, so we had to call 911. They had to come get him. I have him on death pool this year, but no word. Anyways. No word. Probably not the podcast for a death pool. I digress.

DougStanhopeCelebrityDeathPool.com. Anyway. We're no hypocrites. We're no hypocrites. That's the tag. We should make a Nowhere Man and Whiskey Girl t-shirt. We're no hypocrites. We're no hypocrites.

It's just their logo, but it's our name, DougStanhopeDeathPool.com. We're no hypocrites. We're no hypocrites. Okay, you want to talk about that? No, you said you came into the toilet and said, we have to mention this, and I don't know if we mentioned this. Oh, I thought the $10,000 was funny. Oh, I don't remember this. This must have been when I was in Atlanta drunk and called back.

You were drunk. It seemed like everything was fine with Nowhere Man. Yeah, and me and Nowhere Man were doing great at this point. Why did I expect her to say Coke? Did you think the same thing? We were doing

great. I thought Coke was there. That would have been weird. Great was about fourth on the list. No, at this point, there's a lot of crying and there was a lot of laughing. Right. But you had told me, because we had already done the Cliffhanger podcast, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. So you told me, offer him $10 thousand dollars completely serious not to kill himself before we get the second half of the cliffhanger oh yeah don't kill yourself till we get the second half i'll give you 10 grand straight up but i told him that and i was just like no we're serious i'll give you fucking 10 grand right now he told me get him the 10 grand do you want to talk about sax underpants but you can sax underpants is in my notes so we're uh we're gonna do a i was gonna do this anyway yeah i did it like 10 years ago i had

a just a ebay yard sale of all the dumb shit that i keep because i wore it on an album cover or in a fucking interview on a fucking thing and just all this shit we keep that just clogs up i'll never see it or use it so we're're going to do that anyway, but we're going to find Derek's Saks Underpants because we posed for those pictures on Facebook and Twitter in our Saks Underpants. Saks with two X's. They're another unofficial

sponsor. And we're going to sell dead man's Saks Underpants for charity. For charity. Sure. When we try... For charity. For charity. Sure. When we try to sell my mother's ashes for the animal...

Human fucking League of Animal People. I don't know who they are. They're probably scam artists just like the pink people. But either way, yeah, we try to do that. It's a long story. Animal rescuer.

If you don't know. Yeah, it was a trade-out for surgery and I... Whatever. Anyway, I couldn't do that. It's a long story. Animal rescuer. If you don't know. Yeah, it was a trade-out for surgery. Whatever. Anyway, I couldn't do that on eBay. But you can sell a dead man's underpants. So we're going to find the two pictures I have of him. One he texted me and one's on Facebook of him and two different pairs of Saks underpants.

And we're going to crawl through this house and find those underpants. I already got them. And on Black Friday when we do the Doug Stano eBay. Yeah. Did you? Oh, she already got them? I already got you underpants. She had another pair of his underpants. When she met us on the road, she's like,

these are Derek's boxers. I go, wow, how stealthy of you and how nimble to be that quick to peel those off his body before his parents came up and try to claim them. I also, because she has some nightmares repeatedly about seeing his brains, and I told her that she was just envious of brains where she tried to poke them into her own ear so she'd be smarter.

Brain envy. Brain envy. The fucking, and I'm doing a bit about this, so I'm not going to burn it, but the people who say, well, that's just his way of dealing with it. The dark humor, that's his way of coping. As though they're apologizing for it.

There were times where I fucking needed dark humor. I spent that whole tour every day where my eyes felt blue-balled from not allowing myself to cry or feel emotions. And the only time I could talk about it was like this. Now I can raise my voice and go, hey, here's a joke. And the rest of the time, maybe it's a way of coping with it,

but you bring by fucking gluten-free muffins and that's your way of coping with it because you don't know what to do. It's someone that's dead and you don't know what to do. So you do what you do. Don't apologize for my way of handling it because I'm making it fucking funny.

Dave Attell, he called shortly after he heard what had happened and said, man, I heard what happened at your house. This really fucked up. He goes, I'm assuming they'll be playing your podcast in court quite a bit. I'm like, oh, fucking thank God someone fucks with you because it just takes all the pressure off it because people die and you need to remember that. But all the hopes and prayers are with you is fucking. He kept saying that day we spent together. He was just like, you couldn't deal with that.

People, people die. We're all going to die. We're all going to die. We're all going to die. She's dead. She's happier now. She's not in pain anymore. And he kept saying that over and over again. She's not in pain anymore.

And now neither is he, you know? Neither is he, but he kind of stole her thunder. Can we get an agreement on that? Yeah. You always knew she might die because of the lupus. And then he went and stole the fucking, he did the double whammy and went, Hey, you were the front man the whole time. No one ever watched the band for me.

I'm stealing your death thunder. Bam. Go ahead. It's all about me now, cunt. Watch my solo CD blow up now. Bisbee Slims. BisbeeSlims.com. Bisbee Slims, baby.

Bisbee Slims. If we could get Beyonce to fucking get a Bisbee Slim. What was it? What's the name of the? Do you remember the name of the Beyonce? Crazy in Love. Crazy in Love. Crazy in Love.

Literally. Get that to Beyonce. Crazy in Love. Literally Crazy in Love. Literally. Literally. I'm just looking at my notes. All right.

Well, that's the cliffhanger. Anyone else have any, want to chime in at all? Any other things we're missing? I don't think I wanted to chime in in the first place. No. Neither one of us did. And that's it. Hey, tune in next week.

Where? Tune in next week or one of the upcoming episodes, probably next week because I don't think we have a lot of shit in the can. The podcast that was supposed to go out when Cliffhanger 1 went out, but that had a sense of urgency because her surgery was coming up. So we held that one. Turns out, yeah, there's a lot of depressing in that one too so stay tuned for that uh there's funny in it too all right we opened up with them now we're going to close out with them

nowhere man and a Whiskey Girl. Thanks for listening. Well, fucking hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Wait! That was not the Doug Stato podcast till you tell the bullet hole stories. Well, that was just fucked up cleanup stories. Alright, but no. There's a bedroom into a foyer. Okay.

I'm a French. You're getting all kinds of shoutouts on this podcast. Stealing all these American words. So yeah, so he evidently shot himself through the head. And you know what? I keep cleaning it up for the family. I opened with, this is not

for you. So yeah, you shouldn't still be listening. Fucking ferrets. That helps me too. I'm only referring to one family and you can both assume I mean the other one. What? They don't know? This is like when you're on stage

and you say, you know what? Most of my audience is stupid and everyone looks at everyone else going, he's absolutely right. Everybody has some level of self-awareness. No, they don't. And if they have any level of self-awareness, they know that they're

fucking rotten. I don't know that. I just assume. I make assumptions. The point is when the bullet went through us. Okay, listen. He was lying backwards on the bed. Okay?

So he was looking out the windows. He was completely backwards on the bed. All right. Now I have to give fucking diagrams of what the bedroom looks like. Backwards on the bed. Now I have to give fucking diagrams of what the bedroom looks like. Backwards on the bed? That sounds like he's bent over. That doesn't work. There was a

bullet hole that went through the bedroom wall through the foyer and the families are coming over to deal with all this so jad shank and jobe jobe yeah it was jobe it was the family was on the road over and jobe was the one who was like hey we need to go and by the way jobe was attention to detail like crazy on this he's seen it he was the one that was like stop the ceiling fan fan. We got to scrub the ceiling fan.

He's like, now, all of those scrub marks where we scrub the wall, we need to scrub the entire wall so there's not a big circle of scrub marks. Because Joby's dealt with this. Twice. Twice. I know one time he had to deal with the actual brain. No, twice. Joby was definitely subject matter expert in this situation. He said if a family member saw a speck of blood,

that's what they're going to fucking focus in on. So he had, I mean, we had it fucking scrubbed from head to toe. Well, then I'm fucked up because I just, there's a really nice white comforter in there that I saw one speck, and I go, no one will notice if I grab this. But these are the things that you go through in a mourning process. Go ahead. So we had to deal with the bullet hole.

Family's coming over. Well, the family's coming over, and that was when Joby realized. He's like, we've got to go do something about that bullet hole. So he took off down here, and I think it was almost my hit of weed or something because I got down here probably 90 seconds after Joey did. He went into the foyer and covered it up fine. And when I walked in, I find him. With a picture.

Yeah, yeah. I just took a picture off the wall because I came in. I said, do you need screws or anything? You know, pictures? What do we need? He says, no, we're just going to do a one for one. We found stuff on the wall. One picture on the bedroom and one on the exit wound entrance.

If you know anything about guns, entry wound, entry hole in the bedroom really small, exit hole in the foyer really big. So he hung the picture over it in the foyer, and then when I came in, he was just standing blankly looking at the wall. And I came in, and I looked up and immediately saw his dilemma because how do you do it without being symbolic everything so you're selecting artwork off the wall is appropriate for exit and entry well we're hoping nobody will know that it's a boot although the

entry hole in the bedroom is in a really odd spot in the wall to have a picture hanging just really low. And that's the only one. As I walk in to help Joby, I look up and he's looking at pictures of Derek and Amy holding hands and shit. And I'm like, oh, fuck. How do you do that without being symbolic? So in the end, we found pictures that were painted by somebody else so that they

wouldn't take those pictures and put it over the walls. painted by somebody else so that they wouldn't take those pictures and put it off. Yeah. That had to be a very, very long day. It was a very long day, baby.

And then three more days or four more. I don't know. Still going on. So, uh, yeah. So, uh,

yeah. Go to, uh, nowhere, man, and a whiskey girl.com and, uh, buy to NowhereManAndAWhiskeyGirl.com and buy their album and then wait for a long, long time

for them to do the distribution on that because no one's mailing that shit out anymore. We don't know the password. I don't know how to close this, so we'll close it very inappropriately. And, yeah, thanks for listening. And, hey, if you learned anything from this podcast, always get the security deposit. No matter how well you know them, always get first, last, and security.

Because, hey, they might be your friends now, but they might be lupusy and suicidal down the road good night so Settled bags have long been packed For the trip, drift north Trails narrow to backtrack Go back and forth Next four seasons, rocky mountain we'll be for our little tumbleweed. Bound to a plan, not to a man Tumbleweed whistles to the wind

His eyes at night are big and bright Deep in the heart of Tumbleweed Wilderness awaits us It's barbed wire gates It's rust and metal on the tongue It's red dirt caves It's beasts to save It's parts Lips without the one

Bound to a plan, not to a man Tumbleweed whistles to the wind His eyes at night, they're big and bright Deep in the heart of Tumbleweed Bound to a plan, not to a man Tumbleweed whistles to the wind His eyes at night are big and bright Deep in the heart of Tumbleweed. La, la, la, la La, la, la, la La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, La la la