The Doug Stanhope Podcast - The Doug Stanhope Podcast: A Bisbee Cliffhanger

Episode Date: October 12, 2013

Doug introduces a Bisbee cliffhanger with Nowhere Man (Derrick Ross) and bingo. Recorded live at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope, Derrick Ross, bingo, Jobi and Greg Chaille. Engineered and Produced by Greg Chaille.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good morning. We are extremely pleased that you are here. This is the Doug Stanhope Cliffhanger Podcast. We're here in Bisbee, Arizona with Greg Chaley, as always. Bingo Bingaman, willing to talk on the mic, oddly. And our friend Nowhere Man of the

band Whiskey Girl and a Nowhere Man. Nowhere Man and a Whiskey Girl. I go first. Alright. Even though she has the talent. Alright. I'm gonna try to make this quick. I moved to Bisbee,rizona had some friends here i don't enjoy music it irritates me and it seems to interrupt my conversations shawnee and gretchen people you don't know as listeners we're out at uh sushi down the street in Sierra Vista 25 miles away the closest place to get

anything we've already lived here for a while yeah at this point and Gretchen says to me she says do you know nowhere man and a whiskey girl she said do you know and I go no I don't know them

she said I was talking to a whiskey girl and she said she slept with a comic in the 80s. Do you know who that was? Early 90s. I'm thinking Paul Reiser, Judy Tanuta. Was it perhaps that one guy, Emo Phillips? And she said, it was you. And I go, it wasn't me. I didn't start

comedy till 1990. Well, she goes, it was in the 90s. And I go, well, I don't know. They're a local band here in Bisbee, which is not a big town. And I ignored it. But for weeks afterwards, i saw you see people

that you know especially at this age everyone seems familiar you're a performer everyone looks like someone maybe you might have met so i'm at safeway and everyone who averts eye contact is that who I fucked? 25 years ago or however long ago. Everyone who smiles at you. Did I fuck you? So it got to me and I Google searched it

and Whiskey Girl in the Nowhere Band. You Google searched who did I fuck in the 90s? No, she told me the name of the band. Whiskey Girl in the Nowhere Man. So I found one picture and then I stared at it for a long time and I go, oh, fuck.

I have a photo album from my first four years of comedy with a lot of girls that I threw loads into, let's say. Just to make it. Because you're a gentleman. Yes.

Yes. The cute ones. And I went and I found that photo album and I matched that up with the picture on the internet. And I'm like, bingo, is this the same person? And she's like oh most definitely that's and it was your favorite band in town but i had never met them they're my favorite band in town for years i've never met them at this point i saw them playing at the farmer's market and i remember

walking around the farmer's market going is that like a a richard Cheese version of one of the darkest Pink Floyd songs I've ever heard at the farmer's market in Bisbee where no one else is probably getting it at all? And I remember throwing five bucks in the dill and I'm like, that's the person. That's the same one. And then what happens? My birthday.

No. person that's the same one and then what happens uh my birthday no we what happened between then and when it had to be a party did you have a party here that they came to yeah amy and i are watching this is nowhere man by the way hello hello i'm nowhere man derrick is my name not to be confused with reverend derrick we have to here in bis, if you have the same name, we have to okay, there's Reverend Derek and there's nowhere man Derek. Yes. Well, Amy is who Doug is speaking of. That's my wife. We're watching television one day

and I don't know what came on it. It might have been the man show or it might have been Girls Gone Wild commercial or some shit. Could you just pretend it was Beer Hall Putsch on Netflix and fix the new DVD out right now? All right, I'm already fucking this whole story up. The picture that I had was from back in the Tribble days.

Tribble was a booker in the Northwest. That's where you started out if you lived in the West. If you were me, you started out. I met her in Sheridan wyoming find it on a map i dare you and i it was the most awkward sexual you know literally 90 seconds i'm married i have to go okay bye thing but i did take a picture and she said what do you take pictures of every girl you fucked and i go no i wouldn't do that is exactly what i did i'm in that as she's running out of the hotel into the parking lot after she played piano in a church we i was trying to hook up with her that

night but her husband was there and then i kept haunting her cause I had a lead on pussy. So I kept calling her and she decided she, she agreed to meet me after she played piano in a church. Speaker 2 1.5 Yeah. Speaker 2 1.5 It had to be quick. She said, yeah, it was young and awkward. We were all 23. And that's how many years ago?

Speaker 2 1.5 I don't know. It was 1992 probably. Speaker 2 1.5 All right. Speaker 2 1.5 Yeah. Anyway don't know. It was 1992 probably. Okay, all right. Yeah. Anyway, so all I had was a picture. Now I cut into the Cure song. These pictures of you. Anyway, so cut to.

Well, yeah, so we're living. We had been in Bisbee just for a couple years. And like I said, we're sitting on the couch watching TV. Something comes on. And it's you. And Amy says, oh, I think I banged that guy once. And I was like, what? She's like, yeah, I think I fucked that guy in Sheridan. And she told me the story.

And I didn't think much of it. I mean, she fucked a lot of guys back then. To be honest. Her numbers are high. Yeah. But so, yeah, I didn't think much of it. And then it was just a few weeks later, you were doing a show at St. Elmo's here in Bisbee.

Yeah. A local show. Yeah. Yeah. And so we're walking down main street and we see a flyer and she's points again. She's like, Oh my God, that's the dude I fucked.

And so, which was weird because she was walking with her mom. Um, so that was years before we actually met though. I mean, that was like, yeah, we've been here about eight years.

We'd been here for a long time. Now, now, now we've been here about eight years We've been here for a long time Now we've been here about 8 years Wait a minute so like you saw that flyer And then he had the show And you still hadn't met him No and we didn't go to the show I don't know why Cause you wanted to be friends with Doug after the show I was just

Again I wasn't I didn't think that much of it because like she had told me a lot about her past and she's got some numbers again and

so yeah probably had several years went by before we actually met and that's that's when you're talking about the party like

wait it was your birthday they you surprised me it was my 33rd birthday you had this big party surprise party and you that was the first time we met them yes we had never met them before and you had asked them to learn the wall for me and um because i couldn't go to the pink floyd show that year or something yeah Bingo wanted to go to Pink Floyd for her birthday even though she's in her 30s.

She still thinks, but for my birthday. Instead of buying tickets to go to Phoenix to see Roger Waters or whatever the fucking guy's name is. I go, well, I heard them do this random

Pink Floyd song at the farmer's market. So, hey, I heard them do this random Pink Floyd song. At the farmer's market. At the farmer's market. So, hey, I'll hire them to learn the whole fucking thing. Did they have the jet at the farmer's market come in and crash the wall? No. No? No.

But I could have made it happen. Anyway, so. Well, even then, for the party, we had never spoke. You had hired us through somebody else. Gretchen, probably. Yeah. Well, I think maybe for the party, we had never spoke. Like, you had hired us through somebody else. Gretchen, probably. Yeah. Well, I think maybe Jimmy. Jimmy, yeah, probably.

So, still, at this point, Amy wasn't even sure. We weren't sure if it was still. Yeah. She said, I mean, she had a vague recollection of it. I do remember breaking out the picture of her from our 20s. It happened that night. So yeah, we played the party. But it was a complete surprise to me.

I got pulled up into this house and these guys, my favorite band that I still never met, are playing the wall for me. The driveway of the house, there's a big fence and the driveway goes down. So when you come through the driveway, you don't know that there's going to be 40 people there and all the lights on. Clowns running out at me. Right. So yeah, we drove her into this party. And they start playing,

and I finally, my favorite band for years, they're here at my birthday playing the wall for me. The entire wall with sound effects it was crazy great it was crazy yeah it was good it was good too and this is where i hate to out my nowhere man and a whiskey girl as a landlord we it's a long story we we bought the house right behind us for fifty nine thousand dollars because we were drinking jaeger one night in front of our neighbors. Yeah, and a friend of ours said, oh, I'm going to move to Bisbee.

And I go, she goes, that house is for sale for $79,000. I go, I thought that was $119,000. Well, the property values dropped and I low-balled them at $59,000 and they said, okay, with no- Called your bluff. Yep, they called my bluff. No counteroffer.

No nothing. So I won that small pot of a $59,000 house. But they're in a band. So, yeah, so they're our tenants for the last two years, three years. Two years now, yeah. And we do it on a barter system. They don't have to pay rent They have to

Play songs And do shit You've always got live music On tap Mm-hmm Right Yes And they've done

They did Hennigan's soundtrack Et cetera Anyway Hold on They did Remember with Russ They did

Mm-hmm One side of a Beatles album Start to finish Oh yeah Abbey Road And that was right That was the last time I actually saw Russ

That was I never told you That was amazing You guys were so good And Russ I don't know He was this guy DJ guy

Kind of sketchy Russ was a guy When we were building What we're recording from here The recording studio The Funhouse Was built to record. It took us a long time. But yeah, Shawnee built this and had Russ as a worker

who came from a legit white-collar field, but heroin and alcohol kind of blew him out of that into Bisbee, into hiding. Right into your lap. And then he died of an aneurysm. But that's another. He was beautiful. Fantastic.

Let's cut to the pedigree. The pedigree to a whiskey girl and a nowhere man is definitely long in story. Yeah. Well, yeah. And so just to sum that story up, like we finally met. That's when you pulled out the Polaroid.

And then it was all. It's not a Polaroid. No, it was a Polaroid. It's not a Polaroid. No, it was a Polaroid. It's not a Polaroid. It's probably still in that drawer. It's not a Polaroid. I think it is. He's wiping off his dick

and he goes, hold on. You got a moment for a photo? And he doesn't even take out a camera. He's got a Polaroid. Do you do this all the time? No, sweetheart. No, sweetheart. It's not a Polaroid.

Okay, you're right. You're right. It's not a Polaroid. Okay, you're right. I thought it was. Did you plant that earlier today? No, that's where it was when I pulled it out. I had it ready for when they played in the same funhouse. Oh my God. That's been in there since my 30th birthday. Yeah, this is a picture

of Amy on the day. She's still as gorgeous at 40, except I haven't seen her naked. I wouldn't want... She's gorgeous. That's why you wear clothes. I can't believe that's still in there from... No shit.

That chair's been there untouched? Wow. I bought that whole thing because of a UK tour where I hate the UK so much. I go, I'm going to make this worthwhile and I'm going to buy something that's stupid and ridiculously overpriced. And you can always look at it and go, fuck them.

Fuck them. I got this. So it's basically a big picture holder. She actually looks really happy in this picture, which is kind of disturbing. It's disturbing in that well here comes the cliffhanger okay okay here we go so how long have you guys been married I didn't even know you were married almost 13 years Wow yeah 13 years

in December that's awesome for somebody it is yeah bliss how long have you lived in that house because i two years we put you in that house yeah yeah so we became friends and you know a lot of people at first were like to me man isn't that awkward oh that night was weird my birthday was weird like some people are like are you okay with this yeah i'm like well not i mean no my wife's fucked people before me we didn't we didn't know each other at the time and oh grown-up attitude how refreshing no shit i i was i i i thought it was hilarious the whole yeah no yeah that whole like oh you you're where you're gonna talk to him and stuff i have a whole bit that is not on anything

because it's so unbelievable about Nora. I won't say her last name. Elias. The girl... We know her name's Nora, not Elias. Yeah, I fucked when I was nine years old. Oh, that's a good story. It's so unbelievable.

I thought i was probably 11 or 12 and then when you know we went through paperwork wait we moved to paxton in 76 i was nine and then there was a story about she showed up at a show and she confirmed she said she confirmed it she remembered it and she said oh my husband wouldn't come to this show because he thought we might have unfinished business that's we were fucking nine and i had to drop the bit because it sounds so unbelievable that we were nine and i won't lie and make it 12 so you feel like it's real anyway when we went through all the uh mother paperwork brian hennigan was trying to write a book and i don't remember your business

partner yes and so i went through all the shit and i'm like oh fuck we were only nine nine sounds unbelievable and you weren't coming or blowing fucking loads, but we knew what to do. Yeah, you don't jizz at nine years old, do you? No, no. It was clearly... Well, hey. That level of jealousy is so foreign, and the fact that people...

Are you going to be okay with this? Yes. Me and Amy fell in love with each other right away, and people were worried about us. Yeah, bingo. You have such a tendency to put people off. They're drawn to you like a moth to flame. Of course you guys hit it off.

The randomness of living in Bisbee, Arizona, the most fucking remote place in the world, and running into someone that you fucked on a triple gig in the most more remotest place on the other side, closer to the other. And we live in the same town. And now you're my tenants.

And I'm a landlord. Yeah. That's a slumlord slumlord. But becoming a landlord is the best thing for our relationship. Fucking with these guys as much as we do? I know. It's the best thing you can do for a relationship. Your rent is as cheap as a trade-off.

Yeah, we fuck with you. And you take care of my property. This is a bit that I'm trying to work out. Because I hide money from myself. I don't make a lot of money and I know shit will go poorly. I'm not a health insurance corporate guy. So I hide money from myself like an alcoholic does in a toilet tank. I'm going to put it in my wife. yeah, she tries to dump out my booze. So I have a bottle up here in the light shade and a bottle in the toilet tank.

That's what I do with little scraps of money. I have a little bit of stocks. I have a $59,000 house. So yeah, when this deep guttural cough becomes something pertinent and you go, I don't have money to pay for. Oh, wait, wait. What's in the check?

The toilet tank. There's a wall sconce in the place on Van Dyke. Yeah. I think I have 30 shares of Philip Morris just to give them the final. Fuck you. I died. Yeah. I died of this, but I paid for it with your stock.

You cunts. Wait, are you saying if you die, I got to move out? Yes. No way, Jose. Well, it'll take three months. The process is long. I'm getting comfortable over there. Not if I die, if I need to pay for trying to not die,

which I'm not really good about. You're safe. Let's cut to your wife Even today it'd be six months You're good Let's cut to your wife Your wife Evidently I gave her sexually transmitted Lupus

23 years ago It is interesting right around the time That you guys Hooked up She did come down with It is interesting. Right around the time that you guys hooked up, she did come down with a disease called lupus. And for everyone out there who knows me and my posse, I never fucked Sean Rouse. That ain't on me.

He's got lupus. That's not my fault. You're the carrier. You're like patient A. Yeah. Typhoid Mary. Yeah. Sean Rouse has lupus. It's not my fault. You're the carrier. You're like patient A. Typhoid Mary. Sean Rouse has lupus. And Doug knows Sean. Jesus.

Just saying is all. 23 years. He said he has this fucking diet that's cured it. But evidently, your wife. So she's got lupus and kidney shit. Goes to dialysis three times a week. For three hours. Yeah, she has had lupus for a long time.

And it affected her kidneys about six years ago. And she's been on kidney dialysis. Which is ironic because once she started kidney dialysis, our life just got better in some weird way. We started playing more and recording more. You guys are fantastic like that, where I envy your work ethic because you're rehearsing all the time, and I don't do shit. But you're way more successful than that.

You can't even go on the road because she's got the fucking kidney dialysis three times a week. And so, yeah, you're just rehearsing to do your best in Bisbee. Well, you know what's crazy, man, is when she first got on dialysis, she did it from home.

She had a... It's a long – No, I saw it in the SkyMall catalog. It said home dialysis. Yeah, well, so we were touring. Tired of those high caustics. Literally, we were touring all around the country, and she would do dialysis in the van while we're driving to the next gig. Was that up here?

She had a catheter thing coming out of her stomach. I can't remember what they call it. There's a name for the thing. A turn-on? Maybe not. But it was pretty gnarly. It was very gnarly. It was actually a tube with a valve that was coming out of her torso.

Yes. Colostomy bagpipe. And in theory, it was really wrong. She was supposed to be in a closed room with a mask on. It seems like a van is not the ideal spot to have that going on. No, not at all. But we were having a blast. And yeah, she's tough.

It's always a blast when the other guy has lupus. We're having so much fun. She had to do chemotherapy in the trunk, and I got to get my dick sucked by all these groupies. It was hard banging with that tube out of the stomach. It was very weird. Well, Derek, nowhere man. Derek is very OCD,

which is one of the fun things to fuck with them about. What did we do to them? Just landlord fucking. The fake turds. Just bring in a chair, Joby. Bring in a chair. Yeah, I'm a little OCD and you guys

have taken advantage of that a few times. Did you ever tell them what you were going to... What did we do to them? Do you remember the hoarders? Remember the hoarders, what we were going to do? Yeah, but what did we do? The worst one for me was the fake shit on the toilet. There was like a...

Somehow you got a plastic poop that looked really real. That's one of our sponsors. Well, oh my God. They had a cliffhanger. It hung in. Someone hooked me up with the TV Be Gone, which is I should be sponsored by TV Be Gone all the time. It's just a keychain remote control

that will turn on or off any TV. And it's the most fun, fun juvenile fun where you just turn off you're sitting at an airport bar and they're watching Nancy Grace against their will and you just turn it off but I when I bought a new one on Amazon because mine went dead they said other people have

bought and there was a fake turd that looks like it's hanging off the toilet and I bought that just to fuck with Derek because he's so OCD. Even when, go ahead, you tell. Oh, well, even Dylan was there, Dylan Charles. They were rehearsing. Yeah.

Pingo went into the bathroom. I put the turd down there and then I left. But even when you guys all figured out that it was a plastic turd, you would not come near it. You wouldn't even pick up a fake plastic turd. No, you had someone, out that it was a plastic turd. You would not come near it. You wouldn't even pick up a fake plastic turd. You knew it was. It looked fucking real. It looked so fucking real.

Even when they said, hey, this is plastic, you go, still, I won't touch it. Yeah. I don't know where that thing's been. I'm guessing you wouldn't touch it right now. No. No. Well, okay, speaking Well Okay speaking of OCD We're talking about Amy's catheter out of her stomach

That worked for a couple years That's not OCD That's fucking gross That's pretty gnarly dude Honest up I have a disorder I don't like a Girl with a trach pipe.

It's a mental disorder where I stay flaccid when a girl's blowing phlegm out of a neck hole. That's what I think of to get soft. Don't come too quick. Baseball? Catheter Yeah Imagine a tube Hanging out of my belly Done

Oh you came too quick Well this time I'm doing it for real Here's the tube Now keep fucking me That's not how it went Well at one point She had

When she first got on dialysis There was a Port thing Coming out of her neck, a tube thing. And this is – hold on a second. This is so that you can get access to the blood to clean it, which is what dialysis is doing. It's doing the work of the kidneys. Exactly.

When she first started on dialysis, they put a thing in her neck, and this long tube would hang all the way down past her breasts. Almost to the middle of her torso. It's about where her breasts hang, right? Yeah. She's almost 40. That was a short tube when I fucked her. Sorry.

You're wasting money on tube, dude. Put the tube money on tube, dude. Put the tube in the tube, dude. Junior stop the reference. Why did I sign up for this? So they put the thing in her neck just to start the dialysis. Yeah. And just to get her started.

Then they put the fucking thing in her stomach. Which I think what it is is is the the torso one i think that's more of a long-term solution where they probably had to get her going on it and that's why i'm not a doctor but i've heard about that he drank himself into one they start they start that and then they they figure out is this gonna work is this a routine that she can get used to and then she could do it and then i think it's easier in the body your honor he's leading the witness yeah no no that's exactly correct that's that's exactly right well so they did that first then they they put the thing in her stomach but they kept the thing in her neck to make sure the thing in her stomach would back up my friend right

so once the thing started in her stomach they they took the neck thing out. But for about a month. You never tried to connect the two? For about a month, she had tubes out of her fucking neck and out of her stomach. And we still found a way to do it once in a while. It was very, very delicate and awkward. It's called the bagpipe. He's a musician. There's always an asshole.

You work the valve. I got the scent. See, I'm like, I'm a pussy. I never thought of any of that. That's what we're here for. Thank you. So eventually. That's weird that're here for. Thank you. So eventually. That's weird that he's against

the whole anal thing. Totally against. But yeah, front hole. I don't care how many pipes are hanging out of you like the fucking like like Richard Richard De Niro, Robert De Niro in Brazil

trying to fix those. Some fan out there will get the reference. But yeah, the asshole dirty tubes hanging out of the neck. No, no. And stomach. You will do whatever. I mean, I never had one thought of flipping her over and going for that butthole. I'm not.

I don't like those. But you could have got doggy style. Well, we did that. But then they'd flap. Then they'd flap. Yeah, yeah. I get a blowjob from a three-nipple Lebanese girl in Eugene, Oregon, wearing one of those Sears parkas with the fur hood.

No. And I had to talk her out of the car where her friend and Dean Olsen, car where her friend and dean olsen is one of my first gigs ever in eugene oregon at the black angus steakhouse slash lounge good salad bar she's blowing me and the hood with the fur fake fur is flopping because she's didn't get undressed she just walk i'm gonna walk him to his hotel and starts blowing me and it's flopping up and down so bad that i'm just laughing and there's no way i'm gonna come it's like the fargo hat with it with the ear flaps and then the little flap that you snap up yeah no no it's not the snap it's just the fur lining the point is the vinyl sears parka with the fur lining on the hood That's hard enough But tubes coming out of your neck and belly

Flopping around Like that movie The Thing Where all the Alright enough of my references We were in love man I was gonna say That is Like I didn't know you guys were married

13 years Love is an amazing thing That you can look past certain things like that. I mean, we're talking to Stano's, obviously very superficial and grunt and blort. I'm going to piss. You talk about love for a second. I can piss real quick. I'm going to get prostate. It's grunt and blort and it's over.

But that's an amazing thing that you guys were able to work it out. I mean, I guess that's basically what I was saying earlier is everyone figures a way, right? Yeah, yeah. It wasn't ideal by any means, you know. That wasn't on the Chinese menu when you ordered? Yeah, I wasn't expecting that. You know, I see all your parts there and everything, but is there any way we can implement some tubes and maybe a shunt or a valve?

Yeah, it's funny. Someone like Doug probably – I thought maybe that would have turned him on or something. Well, we don't know. He hasn't been faced with it. Yeah. That's just amazing. I mean, what you guys have gone through and you still, like, kept up a schedule of playing. Well, yeah, that's – I didn't think at the time, you're not playing.

No offense. You're not playing the Palladium. No. Sun devil stadium. No, you're playing the copper queen. Well, at this point we're like,

I mean, we're touring, but like shitty gigs, you know, we're going to Las Vegas and Oregon. And I mean, shitty, old,

old shitty Las Vegas yeah that fucking dump town no for us like no people can watch a show there we played in Las Vegas at

uh Moondoggy's Bar I bet I played there too yeah I bet you probably did yeah Moondoggy sounds familiar I started in Vegas well I mean

so we're playing the kind of gigs that you started at I guess like but you're doing covers it's a duo so we're playing the kind of gigs that you started out, I guess. But you're doing covers. It's a duo, so you're doing covers, right? Well, at that time. Do you have a drummer?

No, it's just the two of us. We're doing our own music, but throwing some covers in there. Mostly originals at that time. I do have a memory from Moondoggy's in Las Vegas. Was it a 60s theme? No, it was just a shitty sports bar. Moondoggy was the older guy, the surfer dude on the Gidget movies, I think they were. No, this is just a shitty fucking sports bar right outside of Las Vegas. And there was literally just the bartender and a waitress and a cook,

not one customer, not one person in there. Sure. We're playing, and that's another thing about it. I mean, we would just play like – we would pretend that it was the Palladium or Madison Square Garden or something. We're playing hard, you know. Well, these two black dudes walk in, and one cover we were doing at the time Was Buttermilk Biscuits

Yes What's that song? That's Sir Mix-a-Lot You know it's a rap song I got that when you said sir So I turned to Amy and I'm like Let's play Buttermilk Biscuits And she's like no

No Now Buttermilk Biscuits here we go Sip the flower oh let's go Clap your hands and stomp your feet We have to describe the band Amy is basically The front man of the band Oh she's the Yeah yeah And she's on keyboards

Sitting down And does it If you don't know Richard Cheese, he does I was going to say earlier Richard Cheese is a parody artist who does all songs as a lounge act.

But she's also a fucking musical genius. She's amazing. She can do anything. She can do anything. Absolutely brilliant. Well, so these dudes walk in, and they happen to be black, and I think it's funny, like, let's play buttermilk biscuits.

And she says, no, that's not a good idea. And so we didn't. She always will. So that's the kind of gigs we're playing at that point. And like I said, she would do dialysis in the van, and we'd go to the next place. I think after that we went to fucking Cedar City, played for maybe four people that next night.

Cliffhanger. That's a dangerous sounding cough. Oh, it's been here for, since we did acid in, in Victoria, BC. I remember the cough beginning. It's a cliffhanger. I've been smoking so long that

once I get any partial kind of a cold, the cough will hang on for months. And then it goes away. And I go, oh, I don't have to quit smoking. But right now. Anyway. Well, if you die and Amy dies, maybe me and Bingo can start a life together. No, that's the only option.

That's the only option we have. Sounds like they're hatching a plan. That's the cliffhanger. We were talking about that. No, we were. We just did the shit town tour. they're hatching a plan. That's the cliffhanger.

We were talking about that. No, we were. We just did the shit town tour and while we were away doing the shit town tour and you were walking our dogs up until... I still think she's faking this. Whiskey girl

got... Tell us what happened. The infection. Yeah. The infection. What sent her to Tucson a hundred miles away, to an actual hospital? Where she is right now. The back of a van where you like to treat her.

My name is Derek Ross. My initials are DR, which is doctor. Dr. Ross. Dr. Ross. What made you? Okay, so right now she got a blood infection a few weeks ago. Sepsis? Apparently something like that.

But it wasn't sepsis. No, it was like streptococcus something. Which I think is from the dialysis. And it's been affecting her heart. Keep in mind, they gave her a diagnosis six years ago that she wouldn't live more than three years. Yeah, yeah, about six years ago, the doctor said, yeah, they said, the doctor told me,

you're lucky if she lives four more years. And that was actually probably seven years ago. Like I said, she's very tough. And I am also, as Shawnee Rouse says, a beacon of strength where every chance I get, I tell her she's dead any minute. Don't die in my house. You won't get your goddamn security deposit back.

Oh, I wish I could play some of the voicemails you left me. Oh, my God, they're terrible. Oh, just the other day you were saying like if i was kind of contemplating like amy's been suffering for a few weeks and and hence i've been kind of suffering and i love the idea of uh just taking morphine and just going out kind of like a rock style yeah like your mom like you said and it sounded really appealing and when I mentioned that to you you just said something about fucking

both of our corpses and they find semen and I had that right away yeah you had it right away well you're gonna have to do this so that way I'll leave a message saying something about so when they find the semen when we were having an orgy together hours before and i don't know how they're dead now they must have

killed themselves and that way i have an excuse for why my semen is in both of your rectums yeah that was pretty much it this is on voxer this podcast sponsored by vox. It's a crazy way to be able to say horrible shit to your friend whose wife has a heart infection. And she has to have open heart surgery. Yeah, yeah. There we go. Okay, yeah. This is the cliffhanger. Well, okay.

It's been – just to preface that, it's been a bit healing. Like we've been kind of struggling for a while with health with her health issues. And I mean, there is a good chance that she's not going to live that long. And you, you seem to like to joke about that a lot. And, and,

uh, you say some pretty dark shit, but I, it's been in some weird way. It's been healing and helpful. Did you been Did you hear my cough? Healing and helpful Did you hear my guttural cough? Yeah Do I have to bring it up as a tag?

No So okay So yeah So now She has an infection in her heart She has to get two valves replaced She's gonna have open heart surgery In a few days

And she's already three years past the warranty correct yeah and i'm freaking out uh because you're right she is the talent of the band for about six years now we've made our living off playing music and uh i have no idea what i would do if she dies I'm probably going to have to refill your iced tea next time you come to fucking Roca or something Roca is a restaurant here in town if she dies you're going to have to be

a waiter I would rather kill myself than wait tables that's what he's saying I know what you're saying is you'd rather kill yourself than live without her or live in obscurity no i think he just doesn't like iced tea i don't want to wait really doesn't motherfucker especially if especially about the weight on you guys you know that's just that sounds terrible the weight of having to make up all those jokes on the same day of her perishing.

Go, hey, is this a little too much too soon? That's a big show. Yeah. That's a big show. Well, so for about a week now, she's been in the hospital in Tucson, Tucson Medical Center. And that's been a fucking...

That's been an experience. And you've been sleeping in your van or in her hotel room. No, a chair. Yeah, in a chair in the bedroom. Last night, I almost bludgeoned the fucking nurse, man.

It's 4 a.m. Neither of us can fucking sleep i'm sitting in the fucking chair that i'm supposed to be sleeping in and it's four o'clock in the morning and this fucking bitch comes in to take out the garbage and she takes the garbage bag and i don't know what the term is but she rattled it. She tries to shake it out. It's going, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh. Wait, a new bag? Yeah. So she's trying to get air in the bag to open it up. Exactly, yeah.

She takes the old one out, but there's no finesse. There's no fucking compassion at all. No razzle dazzle. Dude, she slams the door open. To her, it's like morning. I mean, she must have just got on her shift. And I'm not dissing the nurses. They've been very helpful. But it's like morning. I mean, she must have just got on her shift. And I'm not dissing the nurses. They've been very helpful.

But it was fucking ridiculous. A bit jarring at 4 a.m. Correct. When she finally has just fallen asleep. And at this point, she's lost. She's a small girl. You guys have seen her. She's normally about 115 pounds.

Damn, titties ain't small. She's lost 20 fucking pounds. She's abouties ain't small. She's lost 20 fucking pounds. She's about 98 pounds right now. In the last week? In the last couple weeks. That's not healthy. No, she's tiny. I mean, I like this whole new supermodel wave thing,

so I'm kind of into it in a way. But if she had high heels on and was prancing around the room, I'd be happy. No, she's just fucking frail. She looks thin. Yeah, she looks like Auschwitz or I don't know what. Sexy. That's one of them. Yeah, and so I'm just like, I don't know how she's been doing it.

She's been there for a week and has this most positive attitude. I fucking, I'm just sitting there watching. Ridiculous, delirious, positive attitude. Oh, my God. I'm pissed off. I want to punch everybody in the fucking face. And so, yeah, the lady comes in. And instead of being soft, taking the garbage out softly, putting the garbage back in,

she makes a fucking show out of it. And that's just how every night's been. Literally, for real, someone, they came in and mopped the floor at like 3 in the morning the other night. And then it smells of bleach and shit. We're trying to sleep. Derek, I mean, I've had my parents have both been hospitalized quite a bit. My father died in their 40s.

I spent a lot of time in nursing homes and hospitals and stuff like that. They still have to do their job. No, I understand that. They don't have to do it like a fucking asshole. When they come in at 3 in the morning, they're probably shocked that someone's got their eyes open. That's my point.

Well, you're right. And I've been trying to be super compassionate. All the nurses have been nice and very helpful. Derek is nothing but overly super compassionate to the point where you're like, just hang out. I don't want to be a bother. No, we want you here. Other people are just like the merch booth.

Everyone who is a bother doesn't leave. The people that you go, oh, fuck, I wish they'd come over. I don't want to be a bother. I see you're busy. We want you here. We want more of you to push them out. Well, I understand. They work 12-hour shifts.

Listen, there's a lot of jackholes. It's a shit job, and they always get shit on by someone else above them. And it's all, it's a fuck. It's horrible. Right? Sure. But at the same time, I understand. I think some of this is a little displacement.

I mean, you're in a shit position. You know what I mean? Yeah. And yes, it would be better if they probably wouldn't come barging in and doing that. Let's cut to the cliffhanger. Well, this nurse was black too. I'm not racist.

I feel like all of a sudden I'm sounding like what I knew she was black. When you said, Oh, she's black. Fuck her. Um, uh, cliffhanger

Is This is Friday or Thursday Today is Thursday She's supposed to have open heart surgery On Monday And As much shit as I've given her About you're gonna be dead

You won't last a year I've been saying for a couple years. You'll be dead soon. Well, she's going in for open-heart surgery, so that's the cliffhanger of the podcast. Oh, I see. So we'll put this out tomorrow. And we'll come back and see what happens.

Well, we'll be on the road for three weeks. That'll give you grieving time. Or it's in my face. and see what happens. Well, we'll be on the road for three weeks. That'll give you grieving time. Oh. Or it's in my face. Yeah, in your face. With a montage of songs from Whiskey Girl. She already had a kid. She's going to be brutal to you.

Yeah, no. It's not like her tit's not twisted anyway from the kid so she has if she has a giant scar there well hey now i want to see your scar you can't say show me the zipper club the zipper club crusty the clown yeah yeah i guess i haven't. Okay, so she's going to come home with, I mean, they're going to split her rib cage open, right? Like I did in 1992. Now you're talking. So have the doctors sat you down and like talk to you about physically what's going to happen?

No, not really. It's very vague. It's not very vague. Well, no vague It's not very vague It's not very subtle What they're saying No they haven't spent a lot of time with us But what I imagine is Yeah they split her ribs open

And go in there Yeah yeah it's pretty It's a big deal Depending on what they have to do What are they going to use? pig valves they're going to go in and replace no no they only do that with uh people that are older they're going to put by yeah some kind of cadaver or oh no no like a synthetic so yeah yeah wow yeah yeah she's just young enough barely she just turned 40 but you know what you know one of the funniest things i thought

when i was talking to her this morning and she's very she's suffering a lot and uh she said something about this is not as bad as that one day when i fucked doug in the hotel room that guy's breath was fucking atrocious they kept taking pictures and i just wanted to vomit in my pocket. And she said something about, this is like way funnier than he was that day. Oh, I'm just kidding. No, no. Oh, you weren't telling the truth? Every time you, because you're still playing churches. Oh!

And you do have to cut him a rent check. Yes. Yep. Yes. Are you playing at church? Am I going to see you right afterwards for 15 minutes before you see your husband? What happened to her first husband? No, it was a fiancé, right?

Does anyone know? I think it was a husband, yeah. Was it a husband? They were married for like six months. Okay, it was very recent after, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, the cliffhanger is, well, hopefully we have this out by Monday. Well, the surprise is Greg has to put this out in a day.

Surprise. Well, the surprise is Greg has to put this out in a day. Surprise. Well, in a few days. And we won't get back to the cliffhanger until three weeks when we get home. Well, I think she's relatively healthy otherwise, right? The infection is not good. Replacing two heart valves is what I would call serious. There's pre-existing lupus conditions.

Stage five kidney failure is not the healthiest. The renal failure is a little bit to worry about. But at the same time, her spirits are good. Her spirits are good. Except when she's down. Which is most of the time.

All right. Well, I'm not against you Except when she's down. Which is most of the time. Alright. Well, I'm not against you because she's not a celebrity so we don't have her in the celebrity death pool. So we're rooting for her but I'm the I told you so asshole.

Can I ask one question? Do you have a Do you have like a Bisbee death pool? Is there something I don't know about? We did. I don't know if that's still in the safe. It is probably still in the safe, but it was right after Russ died,

and it was me, you, Alex, and Trish. That's how a death pool... That's why Ralph and May is still in my death pool. It's because we used to... One comic died early on and we go who's the next comic sitting around at a bar and i always said ralphie may because he's fat and uh and now say that now that joey started the doug stanhope celebrity death pool ralphie may is always in my death pool because it was at a bar conversation where we're just talking about what comic will die next based on their lifestyle so so yeah she was in one of our death pools

i get i'm are you gonna make money if she dies five dollars no she's the breadwinner oh and you and you're renting from him right yeah okay it. Okay. It was just me, Bingo, Alex, and Trish sitting around drunk here in Bisbee after Russ died. And we started picking teams like kickball. Yeah. And I remember being drunk and we all had a pitch in five bucks. So there's a $20 pot probably still sitting in the safe with a yellow legal pad sheet around. I bet you anything it's still in there. Four or five dollar bills.

And yeah, we picked, it was probably back when Hank was around. No. No. Mikey Palmer. I think I had Mikey Palmer. Margo. My neighbor Dave.

Who? Margo. Margo. You picked Margo. That was a good call. Anyway. That's weird man Yeah

Why is it weird Cause like there's only 6,000 people in Bisbee The only fucking Every fucking person Every fucking person Dies At some point

Why is it weird No no I'm not saying Dying is weird It's like I understand The celebrity Who's gonna die Why would that be weird Yeah

Russ would have loved To have been on Anybody's list yeah i don't need twenty dollars it just feels like you're it's a sporting event with your friends which should be if you know you're gonna fucking die why would you not make light how many of them have died how how many people that are alive have died no no how many people in the bisbee pool have died? How many people that are alive have died? No, no.

How many people in the Bisbee pool have died? We never went back to that until this just came up. Then I think it's zero. Because one of you would go, I had her or I had him. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah, I guess no one died except for Russ. All right.

And that was. All right. That's the end of the podcast. That's about 60 minutes. That's our cliffhanger for today. We're. And that was... All right. That's the end of the podcast. That's about 60 minutes. That's our cliffhanger for today. We're good. Cliffhanger. Will Amy die or not die?

Tweet me, at Doug Stanhope, and put in your vote. Whiskey girl. Whiskey girl, Amy Ross. Whiskey girl, die by the time we do the cliffhanger podcast. On the table?

No, I mean, you guys are professionals with this whole thing. Is it on the table or is it after? Just stop with your bonus points. The anesthesia could do it. All right. If you parlay that, will Denver cover the largest NFL point spread in history,

26.5 points, Jacksonville at Denver? Who do you have? I bet almost the rest of my sportsbook.com. No, no, it's not. It's betonline.ag So what What did you bet 50 bucks

And you took You took the points I Yeah I gave the points I took Denver Yeah Fuck yeah They'll win by 27

Yeah yeah Yeah they'll crush them Sure Alright Cliffhanger There you go Yep Thanks for having me

I'll tell you who the sponsor is Nowhere man and a Whiskey Girl. You can buy their shit at? NowhereManandawiskeygirl.com. Can I at least plug my own solo album? Yes. I have a solo album. It's about Beyonce.

Wait, isn't that a little early? Wait, no, no. Hey. No, I knew. Earlier solo album. Okay. It's, my name is Bisbee Slim. The album is called Literally Crazy in Love.

And it's about Beyonce moving to Bisbee and falling in love. It's an entire album all dedicated to Beyonce. And it's fucking hilarious. Bisbee Slim dot com. Hey, Doug, I hate to do this to put you on the spot. Can we play the podcast out with one of his songs? Yeah. All right.

Three, two, one, hit it. Oh, Jay-Z, don't you see how it haunts me? All I want to do is just marry Beyonce. Just me and her and Amy in Wisconsin Oh, it's gonna be awesome Oh, Beyonce, you're gonna love Bisbee It's just like New York, but a little bit different We'll live outworn with all the celebrity

And when that day comes, I'll be happy When that day comes, I'll be free And when that day comes. I'll be free when the day comes. I won't be lonely when the day comes. We'll be free. But free of what exactly? How do you know if your Jedi is a redneck? I don't know. Well, if he says, may the force be with y'all.

Well, dear Mr. Knowles, I really hope you approve. I surely understand you've got a whole lot to lose. But you'll learn to love that your daughter will learn to love me. And when that day comes, I'll be happy

When that day comes, I'll be free And when that day comes, I won't be lonely And when that day comes, we'll be free But free of what exactly? What the fuck are you thinking, Derek, you asshole? I'd love to love you, baby I'd love to love you baby Be on the safe We'll never love you dead What the fuck do you know?

White boy are you tired of those companies that want to sell you x-ray glasses out of the back of a comic book but then you buy them and you can't see through a girl's skirt hey go to x-glassesforreal.com. We won't fuck you again. Not like when you were a kid and you believed there was a nine-foot Frankenstein you could buy for 99 cents and it turned out to be a cutout made of paper. We wouldn't fuck you twice. Go to realninefootfrankensteincutout.com.

Do you want to earn thousands of dollars selling greeting cards out of the back of your ass? Yes, we can make it happen. Will you sell seeds on the side? Good. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? When you're some jerk off driving around in a panel van selling lobster door to door hey we're international lobster.com call us up we'll we'll send a van to your door full of rotting seafood all right i don't think any of this is gonna air