The Doug Stanhope Podcast - The Doug Stanhope Podcast: New England Tour Stories

Episode Date: October 30, 2013

Doug shares road stories during his OKTOBER-Fist tour of New England. Highs and lows with audio clips from live shows in Bangor, ME, Providence, RI and Boston, MA.  Recorded in Rochester, NY with Doug Stanhope, Junior Stopka, Greg Chaille and Bingo. Engineered and Produced by Greg Chaille -  @gregchailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Rochester. We're in Rochester on a day off before a Rochester gig. Three more gigs to go on the most depressing tour of all time. But we'll get to that when we get home. And this isn't even the shit town tour. No, it should have been the shit town tour. There's so many towns that were on this where I go, I can't call the whole New England upstate thing the shit town tour, but they're just as shitty as the shit town tours. Almost all of them are fucking Hartford. Yeah, Manchester. The worst Mexican food we found, that wasn't Manchester.

That's actually where we found Mexican food that was good because we were in a really shitty area. There's a lot of shit up here. It's a fucking garbage part of the country. I don't know what show I was at where I was melting down as I've been slowly melting down over most of this. You're the ugliest fucking women. Not you specifically, but the ugliest women in the manchester new hampshire i don't know where it was there was a fucking it's just you were on stage telling them how horribly ugly i remember sitting in the van beforehand telling junior i was going through

the uh i wish they could all be California girls. And they had to open with East Coast girls are really slick. And they're like, what do you say? They're fucking pigs. Most of them. I really dig the styles they wear. Okay. We'll just go with that.

That's all we can get away with. Because, yeah, there's slovenly, the fucking accent. New England or New York accents on a chick are repulsive. Absolutely fucking repulsive. Not that we're here for pussy. But it was just one of the things I noticed that was awful that I had to point out. Because I hate myself this week. You know, I don't think it was Manchester.

Because that was Millie's Tavern. No, it wasn't. It was probably Portland or Bangor. That was Cancer Lady. Cancer? Yeah, no tick cancer lady. No, no, that was Millie's Tavern where the gal with the four-year anniversary of having her breasts removed jumped in the van. Manchester was fucking weird.

That was a weird-ass show. We didn't even sell merch. And Chaley, this is Greg Chaley on the mic, Junior Stopka. Bingo's in the background just paying attention. We were watching football. We don't give a fuck. It's been a miserable tour. We'll get to that at the Cliffhanger Podcast Part 2,

if you don't already know, but everyone does. Yeah, we have three shows left. What you just said, that setup, I'll edit right now, and say what we decided to do here, because you just said... No, no, no, you're not going to edit. We're going to put this out. No, I'm telling you right now, the setup should be, we're going to do a little something from the road, a little lighthearted.

I think you should probably set it up that way. No, I don't think we should set it up. I think we should put this out like other people do and leave this bullshit in. Hey, you set it up. Hey, wait, I'll set it up and you'll knock it down. What are we setting up? I mean, we have some stuff to set up. But you did mention the cliffhanger, which we're going to get to eventually. But instead of just

throwing more of cliffhanger-esque material, we're going to do something from the road. We're just going to play some clips from the road. I have notes here. I don't have my reading glasses, so I don't know what they say. But I do have notes. As Shaley extends his reading. I can

read them. All right. It's been an exciting tour. Tom Dustin, I want to mention him. He's not even in my notes. It was great seeing Tom Dustin. Funny fucking guy. Always loved seeing him.

He drove all the way up to Bangor just to get the fuck out of Boston. One of the weirdest fucking gigs I would have said to date, but now I have to actually augment that with one of the ones in the last two days. This gig, Brian Hennigan called me and said, ooh, this might be the Morgantown, West Virginia

of the New England tour, where he saw someone tweet going, I had no idea Doug Stanhope was coming to our club. And his next tweet was, that explains why my dad was building a stage. It was the upstairs of an Asian bistro, but upstairs with a balcony. So anyone eating down below is going to have to hear the fucking show.

It was an open air kind of two-story structure where downstairs definitely was a part of what was happening upstairs. Yeah, it was like playing the fucking upstairs, the Benihana VIP lounge. Like, okay, yeah, we can look down at the people getting their shit chopped apart or the people can downstairs go check please and then point upstairs to the abortion jokes oh yeah the stripper horse yeah yeah oh wow that's oh you know what i didn't think that maybe we should do that one first i was in the back of the room again i'm on a like every night a constant breakdown of just don't show emotion save that shit till you get home and i'm in the back of this upstairs asian bistro there's people on couches it's bangor maine which i only played i forced brian to book Bangor, Maine,

because that's where my character on when I did the Louie episode, my character was on his way to Bangor to kill himself after a show. So I thought, out of respect, I'm making sure I play Bangor. And he booked as shitty a gig as my character was about to play. And he booked as shitty a gig as my character was about to play. It was basically a one block main street that we were on. And there was an Asian bistro in Bangor. Yeah, on an off night. On a Monday.

And we figured out it could seat 50. And that's what we had for pre-sales 51 pre-sales 50 pre-sales we did another 20 walk up but which is good because we actually changed the the look the layout of the room and it was it was actually a would have been a nice gig for hey i can do anything here no one's gonna tell tell. I can fuck up completely. But some cunt got in the back of the room. She was a stripper and her friend and sat in the back and talked. And now I'm already at a breaking point fucking emotionally and mentally and spiritually.

Every part of my fucking body and my career in my head is breaking down. And there is a cunt in the back of a small room of 50 50 tight you know what that's and she's just chatting she has her back to the comics and she's going on and on yapping at the fuck and i i i had to leave. I walked up the other stairs that went to the stage, and I laid on my back next to Junior Stopka, and I just laughed my balls off at Junior. And I had to put the hate out of my head because I would have fucking telecommed that girl.

I would have grabbed her by her dumb fucking ponytail, pulled her over the balcony, and drowned her in the fucking sushi tank. I was that upset. You know, it is interesting to note that during the show, when you're able to watch the

openers, you relish in that. You enjoy it. I can never watch the openers because usually you're in a place where if you're out in the crowd, they're going to go, oh, stand up. I fucking drove all the way from Dartmouth to fucking hanging the thing. And you go, shh, shh, shh. I want to watch Junior.

He's real funny. Not even that. Tom Dustin. We rarely see him on the road. He's doing a set. Then Junior's up and the whole time that bitch is got her back to the stage and you were right next to that and what no back up and tell your story because you were at the door when she tried to say I'm a regular I don't have to pay

and you're like bullshit you're not fucking there's no fucking comps because you knew she was a cunt coming in. Another beauty part of rolling into Bangor was to find out that we needed to run the door too, which means I have to be there at doors when they open, which means since the hotel's farther away. Asian bistros don't normally run comedy. So, yeah, there's a few snafus. We've got our brown paper tickets. We know how many people are coming in.

We don't know who's going to show up, but we usually get 20, 30 people show up. They're going to pay cash. This gal walks in with a guy like they're going to blow by me. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, because I know the restaurant's not open. And she does this whole thing of like, doesn't fumble for the pocketbook or anything,

but the other guy automatically pays up and she's like no i thought i'm sorry i but i i'm in i'm in i'm like no no hold on hold on you're not in nobody's in you're not in and keep in mind these are bangor main strippers where they have to explain to you that they're a stripper and then you sit there and scratch your head going, how could you possibly be a stripper? Okay, let's just say. Listen, there's fucking no stripper getting into a stand-up show if I'm at the door. If I'm working the door, you're fucking free.

No, not for free. So the busboy or the guy downstairs, Mexican fellow comes over and goes, this is my girlfriend. I'm like, really? This is a joke? Are you fucking serious? I go, well, someone's paying for her.

And the guy that was with her paid. And she goes, I'm sorry. I thought both of us were free. I'm like, no, no. No one's. And then she thought she was going to walk up. I go, hold on. Now we need to take care of you.

And then the Mexican guy pays for her. He takes the money right out of the till. I don't care where it comes from. I'm taking it. it goes into my till but absolutely that is the sign that this is going to be a problem these are people that don't want to listen to the show always charging people to get in they have a vested interest there's value added to the show when something comes out of their pocket and there was no value added to the show because that money came out of the fucking till by some fucking poor mexican dupe who thinks she really likes me

whatever fucking chatted and i went up and i fucking snapped on her and she she thought oh oh yeah bingo if you had a mic and you weren't tucked up in bed, you could add in on this. Bingo called her a cunt. Oh, no, that's right. Shut up and call her a cunt. I called her a cunt several times during the show. I talked about how fucking ugly she was,

how she's ruining the fucking show. I did everything to make her leave, and she just thought it made her a star. There's two people. There's the one person that realizes eventually or someone nudges them and goes, I think he's talking about you. And then they leave.

This gal waited until the end of the show and then actually chased you. I literally ran away. I went outside to smoke and she saw me and i looked at her and then you know snapped my head away like whiplash style and then she fucking started walking after me and i ran around a circular outdoor outdoor table like i used to run away from my brother when he was gonna beat me up and i just

do the three stooges around the table i would not fucking address her or talk to her i ran from her she's a cunt and she thinks she's special go ahead eat the mic baby okay well she came up to me not knowing all right not knowing who i was and she's just like does this guy want to fuck me or is he just upset with me and I'm like you know I am the girlfriend and I'm not jealous I'm not being jealous right now but he's just wicked fucking annoyed at you and you are a cunt and you should shut your fucking mouth and that's all I had to say and I met her outside while I was smoking and she says oh his girlfriend just... She called me... This is one of these girls

everybody agrees with her, I could tell. So she said, Doug's girlfriend just called me a cunt. And I go, do I agree with her? And then she just skipped over me and just started talking anyway. I just insulted you, fucking idiot. You know what I love

is that she's not only got her back to the stage, but then she's not even aware of anyone who was on stage. She'll go up to Junior and go, oh, you can't believe it. Doug's girlfriend just fucking called me a cunt. It's like, you were on right before Doug went on. Of course. This place is the size of a large Subway sandwich place. Like a school room. Everyone's seated.

Yeah, it's not like you're in the back of a theater. You're obviously being a cunt. She was evidently with two. The two guys that her and her stripper friend were with were German and didn't even speak the language. And, yeah, that was just one. How did you get that? I got that because I was at the door and I took his Deutschmarks. But, I mean one how did you get that i got that because i was at the door and i took his deutschmarks but i mean how did you know someone told someone who told they got back to me so you did your research well no i didn't know that going in oh okay oh i would have had more

fun yeah yeah because i i know uh like three sentences in german from a Frank Zappa album. Abbe be kleckernisch das Sofa. Don't get no jism on the sofa. Fick mich du miserable Hohenson. And I'm probably doing a horrible disservice to the German language. Sounds good. I got a boner. Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch. Yeah, it's from Zappa.

Anyway, so yeah, that was one night that we just remembered of fucking awfulness no i got it we can play it oh you do yeah a little bit like in the front all right good yeah it seems like the strippers run the town because when we got that the little asian guy he goes hey why don't you go to a strip club we're like we don't we don't no we we were one yesterday he, these are not regular strippers. It's not that strippers run the town. It's that strippers run little Asian men. So we'll play a little bit of you going off on her.

Hopefully. And if not, we'll just keep going from here. Hello. Bang. of you going off on her. Hopefully, and if not, we'll just keep going from here. Hello! Bang! Oh my god, is this show. I had to move, I had to sit there in the stairwell, laying there rolling around

like a child laughing at Junior Stopka because I was watching from the back of the room and I became filled with fucking hatred at one jabber-jawed fucking cunt. And she's just, I'm not at a fucking show. I'm disturbing everyone around me because locally I'm hot. And I go, I am getting so fucking filled with rage right now,

like fucking kill rage, that I had to go and just lay in the stairwell. And on my back, like I was tripping my had to go just lay in the stairwell on my back like i was tripping my balls off and just listen to junior like this show is so fucking ridiculous already that we're playing a fucking sushi bar on a balcony like this is i should be playing your basement someone has a basement bigger than this i would have gone to your house. I would have just done it there. I would be smoking and doing coke in the middle of

fucking, like, just, yeah, and balls out. And there's, I'm, like, going to have someone thrown out of this already ridiculous show and make a spectacle. Like, alright, just fucking let it go. Like, they had to tell me she's a stripper. Like, usually you know a stripper. Usually you know a stripper,

and then they go, yeah, oh, you mean that stripper? And you're like, and you're like figuring it out, and then you're doing the geographics of, I guess you could get paid for that here locally, being that. No, we want to hear what's so goddamn interesting

out of your fucking blubber mouth. Small fish smell, big pond. Don't worry, she's still not fucking listening. I'm sure she's still fucking back there. Blah, blah, blah. And then I bought a Miata. I bought a Mazda Miata. And it was, but then it broke down

and then I had to have fucking Tom Custer fucking come tow it. And they're like, really? Show your tits. Ugh. I fucking, I want you to be back there to give me the light when this fucking goes awry. So I know. I just want a fucking story out of this. We did all of the New England states and the southern ones are a problem.

Connecticut, Providence, Massachusetts, because that's friends and family hour. And if I'm not in the mood, and this tour, I was definitely not in the mood to be social. But you have friends that you've known since you were five, but haven't known since you were 18. And your brother, your only family left yeah he's up in that area as well so he's he jumped on tour for a couple of nights and it's not that i don't like them it's just sometimes this is my fucking job and i really have nothing to say i have nothing to say to anyone i am want to crawl into a fucking tube and die after the show. But I got to put on... My sister-in-law is the only one nice enough to not show up

because if you know the Showtime special No Refunds, I referred to her in No Refunds as a humorless cunt. It's during the I hate the Jews bit. And it wasn't about her at all. As an aside, I said my brother converted to Judaism because the first humorless cunt that would fuck him twice, he had to convert to marry. And the whole thing is how Jews themselves are pretty fucking racist.

I don't want you marrying a non-Jew. Like if I said, oh, well, my mother, she doesn't like me. She doesn't want me to marry a black girl. And I quote her, oh, you can't marry a nigga. That would be a bad thing. But, you know, Jews can say, oh, my mother doesn't want me to marry a goyim. A schvatser. No, the point being, when I talked about my brother converting to Judaism,

I referred to her on that special as a humorless cunt. She doesn't watch my comedy. So, she just found out recently that I had said that by other people telling her, which those are the best friends. You fucking assholes, the best friends in the world that will call. I don't search my name on fucking google because i

don't i can't take the beating anymore but there's always a good friend of mine that will go hey you know did you ever go to this website they're talking so much shit about you and i've been sticking up for you why would you tell me that you are you're a fucking cunt i don't google my name i don't want to hear it well she has friends like that oh uh your your husband's brother's playing in town i guess you're not gonna go since he called you a humorless cunt on showtime so she's just found out about this has no context for it just knows i called her a humorless cunt and we've had a contentious relationship especially early on she's a psychotherapist and then if I say retard you you don't can't say that so she never watched

me and anyone who thinks I'm not funny I assume is humorless and cunt is just something that we call each other you fucking if i say i want a rum and coke and you bring me a diet coke i go it's fucking diet you cunt so the cunt isn't even the thing and what my sister-in-law will never understand is i changed that bit for the showtime special i changed i used to say oh yeah, because instead of my brother, the first humorless cunt that would ever fuck him twice. I usually said the first fat girl that would fuck him twice. And I knew that if she ever heard it, fat would hurt way more than humorless cunt. So she doesn't even know that I was trying to save her feelings.

It's easier to get a sense of humor than to lose fat. No, fat is the most offensive word right now. You make fun of fat people. But it's not. It's a description. She's a very large woman. And that largeny is fat. That's what a doctor would call it.

Well, you have a roll of fat here. They wouldn't say you have a roll of Rubenesque. They wouldn't say you have to lose big bone. It's technically fat. So I described her, but I knew that would hurt her feelings more than being called a cunt if she ever heard it. So I said humorless cunt, and I think she's humorless because she doesn't find me funny. So if you don't find me funny, you must be humorless. And now she found out that I referred to her as a humorless cunt on national television.

And guess what? She didn't have a sense of humor about it. New England, always going to be a friends and family show. Where's the friends? There you are. Sorry, can't see. And my brother's here. That's family.

That's all my... When I say friends and family, family, there's no singular of family. But that's just him. His wife didn't come because she just found out like a year ago that on an old Showtime special, I referred to her as a humorless cunt.

And she was not even the part about, the bit was not about her. It was an aside because early when we knew each other, she just never found me funny. And if you don't find me funny I think you must not have a sense of humor and cunt is just a word we use like if you buy me a fucking hey get me a rum and coke and you get me a diet coke I go let's fucking diet you cunt that's how we talk to each other so it wasn't even but but she doesn't watch my show,

so she can't put it in context, so she just heard from other people that I called her a humorless cunt on national television. And guess what? She didn't have a sense of humor about it. So she did not come tonight. She's a very nice person. Just not real jokey.

The whole bit was about how my fucking brothers are cunt. For being a Jew. Like there's a million things, but oh yeah. You know what? That's what people do. They find the one thing that's upsetting to them and make it all about them. How about the Jews and my brother? Like all the other people.

Anyway. This set will go awkwardly, so just enjoy it. Just drink a lot, because it's going to... There's a lot of things in this show that I don't even understand. So she didn't come to the show. But all the other friends and family, I don't have much family left. Or any, really.

I just have my brother in that direct. His kinfolk and offspring. That's one. But then all the other people. And Jeff Brown, I mean, it's good to see these people. but then all the other people and Jeff Brown. I mean, it's good to see these people, but sometimes when you just want to fucking do the gig and do the best you can and sneak out the back door,

it was nice to get north. They won't travel north of Boston. So once we get into Maine and Vermont was great. Burlington. Burlington, no question the highlight of the tour. Club Metronome. Stevens Point in Wisconsin was the

highlight of the Shit Town tour. That was at Whiskey's. No, Whiskey's was great too. Whiskey's was Eau Claire. The Blue Top Motel and bar and diner and cocktails. That was the most fun. Was it Rookies? Oh, that was Crazy Lady Clapping Heckler.

No, no, hold on. Hold on. Rookies, Rookies Sports Bar. Either way, they know who they are. If I say Stevens Point, Wisconsin. You want to give them a plug. Yeah, yeah. That main road is littered with sports clubs. Sports bars and hotels.

Yeah, as a comic, I wouldn't say go play there because you probably don't have the same kind of twisted sense of what's hilarious to you. You did suggest Dustin Diamond. It was a nice time. You did suggest Dustin Diamond going there. It was a nice time. But Burlington, again, a gift basket with maple sugar candy and nice stuff.

And everyone was sweet. That made this tour worthwhile. That was a good one. That was Nectar's, and we were the upstairs. Because it's a multi-stage venue. They've got a lot of stuff going on. Yeah, they were great there. Right.

Oh, that's Joe. hold on one second stop stop you know uh going back when talking about your uh friends and family tour friends and family that's where i'm going no you uh this is gonna be an edit right here you know it's not yes it has to be. Because in the clip that I played, you say the exact same thing about the rum and coke. I just want you to know that. I just listened to it. The clip? That we're going to play. Which one?

Of you calling her a humorless cunt. Oh, I didn't know you were going to play that. I didn't have to say it if you were going to play it. Well, that was the point. Is that we've got four or five clips that we're going to play from the tour. Because they're never going to be on anything. I thought I was just going to say what I said. I like the clips because

you're never going to put them on anything. All right. Use the clip. Well, because I didn't say... It's almost like we don't spend 24 hours together. No, no. I have fucking notes too. I was going to really nice person. It's almost like we don't spend 24 hours together. No, no. I have fucking notes too. I was going to talk about that.

That's fine. I didn't want you to say rum and coke, and then in the clip that I play, you do the exact same thing. All right. But I can edit that. But I'm not going to edit. Why not?

I said everything I just said on stage, but I said it with laughs. So whatever. The point is, my sister-in-law i really like her i she doesn't get my sense of humor fuck her i'm glad she didn't come i don't want people who don't think i'm funny to come i'm happy you don't so i like you as a person and and you're fat I'm fat too I'm not as fat as you it's a fucking description

I did that to save your feelings and you'll never understand anorexic girls consider themselves fat stop it that's a bit I do is it yes i never listen to the show fucking bit that i do that i hate anorexics because they can get down to like 73 pounds look in the mirror and still see themselves as fat so if they can do that what do they think about me when they see me if you look at yourself as 73 pounds of emaciated

fucking auschwitz victim and you think you're fat i know what you're thinking about me and i'm fuck i'm i'm i'm insulted you fucking cunt all they hear is the baby elephant walk when they look at you sing it it. Well, I'll play it. All right. There you go. That was Chaley singing. That was Chaley singing. See?

You edited in that fucking thing, and now I said that was you singing. See? You edited in that fucking thing, and now I said that was you singing. This was the highlight of the Friends and Family Tour because my first girlfriend, Christine, from when I was 16, also my brother's first girlfriend, a serious girlfriend. She already had two kids when I was dating her.

She was, like, 18 or 19. And I was, like, 16. Yeah. The two older kids. We're going to play this. I know. I'm setting this one up. I know we're going to chime in with this.

I do have to tell you that I kind of knew you were going to do it, but I had no idea you were going to go into the detail. Oh, I was laughing all fucking day when I thought of this. You were so quiet in the car, and I'm like, oh, finally, he's putting things together. It's like, no. He was thinking about one thing. Hang on. Okay. It's like, no. He was thinking about one thing. Hang on.

Okay. This was early 80s. Hold on. This is the Boston show. I'll set it up. You're setting all this up? Yeah, I'm setting it up. So we're playing Boston.

She had already been alone at the Providence show. She says she's coming to Boston. Again, now she's fucking, I don't know, I'm 46. She's almost 50. Great chick. But I used to babysit her two kids when I was dating her as a 16 or 17-year-old. She already had a baby and a toddler,

and I was the meanest fucking guy. That's all the, if you know my, if you know my history, you know I'd be the shake, the baby parent. I was that guy. I was so, as a 16-year-old, I was like fighting, shaking. I'd scream. The kids would scream from their fucking playpen, and I'd scream louder back at them.

I was like an awful person. I guess we can admit that she's probably not a good decision maker to begin with. So putting you in charge of the kids is just another bad decision in a series of long bad decisions. I had no idea that I was white trash when I was growing up. that I was white trash when I was growing up. My first girlfriend is my brother's first girlfriend, ex, and now I'm dating her, and he's off in the Marine Corps, and now... It's like handing down a catcher's mitt.

Like, when he grows out of it, he gives it to you. She had a third kid after I left with a new guy. So she has three kids. And the youngest one. Do you have another brother? Who I always swore would be like a fire starter genius. She was weird since she was a kid. Every time I'd go back to Massachusetts, I'd see her.

And this was the youngest kid. So it would be around. And it was a weird fire starter kind of you know too smart for its own good kind of child evil but i go that kid's gonna turn into something i don't know what a comic or a serial killer yeah one of those yeah well she turned into a comedian she does sketch comedy and uh i don't know if she kills folks, but and so I'm doing Boston. And when I saw Christine, her mother in Providence, I said. Yeah, you know what?

I was drunk. I go, yeah, fuck it. Put her up on stage. I don't want to throw anyone to the wolves, especially a new female comic in front of my fucking asshole audience. But that night I was drunk i'm like fuck it put her up just let her take the bullet so we did in boston and and once i had her booked i thought this is the first time i will ever have a comic on the stage with her mother and sister in the audience where I could say this. Speaking of stolen, my plan originally I was very excited for if the Orpheum were nearby enough I was gonna go

pay 60 bucks to see Dane Cook just to see what he opened with on stage and then come over here and steal the exact same opening bit and that was a fucking hilarious idea but it was too close to my show

time because I did not want to miss India Pearl who opened here because and 23 years of comedy there's not a lot of firsts anymore this is the first time I can honestly say to another comedian

that I just worked with too I fucked your mother I and I really did fuck her mother who is here somewhere sitting with India now and I fucked your mother you know I fucked your mother she was my first girlfriend back you weren't even born I fucked your mother. You know I fucked your mother. She was my first girlfriend. You weren't even born I fucked your mother. I don't know what weight you were when you were born, but she was that much tighter. She already had two kids at that time. And your sister's here too.

So you know that I fucked your mother. I just never said it to you. You're aware of it. We were a boyfriend and girlfriend. In our teens. But it never seemed appropriate to just look you in the face and go, I fucked your mother. There's no appropriate situation to say that, except right here on stage.

I fucked your mother. In fact, first time I ever did anal, your mother's idea. Your mother said, have you ever? This is absolutely true. You know me. I don't fudge the facts. Anal, first time, never looked back, to be honest. Your mother ruined me for the front hole.

In fact, as I think of it more, your mother's a couple years older than me. And she was 18. I was 16. That means I was raped by your mother. I wish I knew where you were sitting so I could look at your face. But it doesn't matter. Your mother raped me in her own ass. That's what happened between me and your mother.

I was raped up her ass as a child. And you weren't even born. And your sister, who's probably sitting with you wherever you are, was in the next room screaming for Cheerios and we go we'll be right out honey after your mother rapes me up her own ass

but it gets better because I've never been able to say this on stage either your mother fucked my brother. You're aware of this because it was his first girlfriend too. My brother is sitting there in the wings. My brother fucked your mother. And he had a kooky trick.

We're from Worcester yeah you had to have the same girlfriend we fought about it a lot he went off to the marines I needed a new girlfriend my first girlfriend my brother had a weird trick

where he would hey you wanted to disturb your mother with your fucking talk about anal sex I'm fucking laying some shit down my brother had a weird trick he told me where he would blow into your mother's vagina

and then press on her belly to create hilarious pussy farts. So. So your mother flew to Okinawa where my brother was in the Marine Corps. If you're old school fans, banana lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's right back there.

Fucking. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's right back there. Fucking, yeah, so he, she flies to Okinawa, and, you know, he fucks her repeatedly. My brother, having not had pussy that wasn't some girl, you know, you two stinko, Joe, you can't come, you gotta go. He was getting that pussy.

So after my brother, you know, after a tired diet of Okinawan whores, sees your mother and fucks her repeatedly through the night and morning and then tries to do that funny trick where he blows into your mother's pussy but only now she's on top of him and he squeezes on your mother's belly and all the loads he's blown into her spill out on his face. One of the most horrifying stories. I don't think I ever fucked your mother after hearing that story.

So I'm just saying. How's everyone else doing tonight? I have been laughing my balls off all day thinking about opening with this. And I thought maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I'll lose friends. But I, yeah. I had other shit I was going to say and I just kind of blew that off.

Just thinking about I fucked your mother jokes that are absolutely true and knowing they have to sit there and look at or not look at each other, I'm assuming at this point. I just I I was laughing the whole fucking time thinking about opening. And it was that that kind of giggly last call, you know, overtired, laughing, thinking about opening with this. I know it's not, it ain't going to make it to a CD,

I fucked your mother, but knowing that the family would be sitting there, she'd be sitting there. You were playing to two people and everyone else benefited from it. I was fucking laughing my balls off all day thinking about opening, and then I'd remember more details about graphic ways I fucked her mother.

When I thought that I was underage, your mother raped me up her own ass. And I was just giggling all day and I couldn't tell my, I didn't, my brother's like, what the fuck is going on? I was like, you'll hear it later. Oh, he even picked up on something. I had no idea that it, and I had to like stop from doing what I was doing

to get merch ready to actually go. Like you walk past a doorway and you hear something. What the fuck was that? And you go back. That's what I did. I was busy. And I had to stop and put everything down and go, what the fuck is going on here? Because it was clearly that monument. Yeah, again, not what just the general audience member would call a great bit,

but for me, just having that moment and knowing I'll never have this moment again of I fucked your mother in a big fucking theater, going up against the Red Sox. So it was a big theater that was fucking half empty. And Cyndi Lauper. She was in the studio next door. Well, Cyndi Lauper does not steal my audience. No one's flipping a coin.

Dane Cook was in town. He was at the Orpheum that night. Yeah. So, yeah, it wasn't like people are going, ooh, Stan, Hope, or Dane. They're doing that thing with their hands. One up, one down, the, Hope, or Dane. They're doing that thing with their hands. One up, one down the scale. Yeah, the scales.

So, yeah, that was fun. That made the friends and family part of the tour, which I always hate. Last year in Boston, I remember leaving that show. We weren't selling merch, so I had no obligations. Was it at the same theater? Same place, just me, so there's no merch. And then I had literally between 19 and 25 people following me down the street.

And I'm just trying to find a bar. And so after the show, I just want a drink before last call. And I have to find on Saturday night in that part of Boston, touristy Boston, a place that can seat 25 people. Just to put it in context, I talked to John, our awesome backstage manager. And he told me that area we were in, because while you were on stage, I'm like, I'm at the car getting some merch, and I'm looking, I'm seeing these lines.

It's like 10, 11 o'clock at night. There are lines forming at these clubs, and he said, yeah, there are 4,000 people on the street at Barclays. I go, who would do that? And the Red Sox just won the league championship to get into the World Series. So when we were backing out of there, I remember seeing a guy drunkenly swinging around a signpost. And not even one of the circular ones.

The ones that's kind of misshapen and trying to swing around it like it's a brass pole. He's swinging like a stripper on a squared pole. That's great. The audience is the worst part of comedy. All right, that was a podcast, a recap. More shit to come, everybody. Hey, special announcement. Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool, it's getting towards the end of the year.

Time for you to start doing research and get your team together and start playing Death Pool. Find your 20 celebrities you think are going to die in 2014. Lou Reed just died. Oh, my goodness. No one saw that coming. Find 20 celebrities you think are going to die. Get your friends together. Start a pool and go to Doug Stanoff, celebritydeathpool.com,

or the acronym, which would be Doug D-S-C-D-P, dscdp.com. Yeah, start playing Death Pool with us. Most fun you'll ever have with either death or gambling. You have to do the gambling on your own. We have nothing to do with that. All right, Doug Stanhope, celebritydeathpool.com. Get your shit together because we drop our picks the first week of January. Play the mattoid. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time

Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time Smile your smiles and blow your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Everybody! Grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody!

Grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more! Grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Here we go! Party time! Yeah! Party time, yeah Party time, party time, party time, party time Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, yeah!

Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time!

Party time! Party time!