The Doug Stanhope Podcast - The Doug Stanhope Podcast: Nurse Betty pt.2 plus Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool Update

Episode Date: September 15, 2013

Part 2 of Doug's conversation with Bisbee's Nurse Betty (Betty Lindstrom) and this time it's all about her sons, Jason and Gabe. Recorded live at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope, Betty Lindstrom, Jason Lindstrom ESQ. and Chad Shank. Celebrity Death Pool segment featured Jobi and Melissa Holden. Engineered by Seany. Produced by Greg Chaille.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Alright, this is part two of Nurse Betty. Jason and Gabe chime in. The children, the spawn of the beast of Nurse Betty. And the stories get kind of weirder. And, well, if you didn't hear part one, go back and listen to that shit or it won't make sense. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again

Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything Well, am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight Everyone's seen her vagina. It's a picture. Oh, there's a...

Yeah, I haven't seen it. I mean, it looks totally normal to me. Oh, she wasn't on the road. No, her vagina hung pretty, pretty low. She had like... I mean... Long lips, you're saying. It's uncomfortable for a lady

to have... It's like my long balls. That's why sacks under pants are an unofficial sponsor. I just never noticed. If you've been on the road, ask if you want to get testimony from Carlos Valencia, Junior Stopka, Jeff

Tate, Brett Erickson, comics that have been on the road and shared hotels because Bingo's constantly naked on the road. Yeah, she's always naked. Yeah. I mean, I just never noticed anything abnormal about her. Yeah, it's a pretty, well, it was uncomfortable for her. And her sister got a labiaplasty.

Don't you listen to my podcast? No, I never have. You heard the one about her? Yeah, so she got a, her sister got one, and then she decided she wanted the same thing. Huh. I never heard of such a thing. Yeah, I know.

If I had the time, I'd have my balls tucked up. That's one thing. So they're not slapping all over my thighs and irritating. I fucking, that's the biggest reason I haven't evacuated to Costa Rica is the humidity and my balls just don't get along. And there's some things that that's going to be a daily occurrence. There's a lot of reasons I couldn't move to Costa Rica. But that would be in the top three is my balls and the humidity.

When you have long, hangy balls. I'm waiting for monsoon season end for the same reason, sir. See, that's one thing women don't have to worry about. Do you have sax underpants? No, but I have really long balls. Oh, I got to fucking get him a pair of large. Right now, I don't... Reverend Derek's on it.

Behind the scenes, what makes this podcast work or not work is Reverend Derek is always around, sees who's out of a drink, sees whose ashtray is over full, sees what man wears a large and has hanging balls in this monsoon. Speaking of evacuating this country, I'll drop this now and Chaley can cut it up how he likes. We just we have a Betty. We're in Bisbee, Arizona in the fun house in the football room with Betty and her

son Jason. Betty was telling us her story of drug dealing in prison back in her early years. Now at 66 nearly a septuagenarian. Nearly dead. But as Russ Dunn used to call her, the Edith Bunker of Bisbee,

the last person that you could ever imagine holding drugs, knowing what drugs are, did have a stint in the 80s where she saw an opportunity to deal drugs in some kind of, She saw an opportunity to deal drugs in some kind of the same way Martha Stewart saw a way to beat the stock market. I honestly think that the writers of Weeds heard about my story and wrote about it. Really? I'm serious. Sounds familiar. Because they had, I mean, she was a housewife.

She was, you know, into all the school functions. She had kids the same age as my kids. Never watched Weeds. I think that you should watch it. It's very similar. It's kind of a Breaking Bad story if Walter White were a daft, wacky sitcom character of a woman. wacky sitcom character of a woman. Long after the whole Betty drug-dealing days are done and the prison sentence has been served,

the funny part is her son, now 40 years old, Jason, is a county prosecutor. You worked for... You were a... What do you call it? A defense attorney. I began as a prosecutor. All right.

And at some point, I decided I didn't want to be an attorney, and I left the country when I came back. Oh, so you left as a prosecutor. I left as a prosecutor. I came back and decided to go into defense. And now I'm back in the prosecutor's office. One thing I want to add is because of what he went through as a kid with his mother, I think is the reason why I read a letter where somebody was giving him a reference one time.

The Maine County prosecutor was giving him a reference, and he said he's not only respected and liked by his peers and the judges, but also by the people that he prosecutes, which is really weird. And I think it's because he went through that with his mother. Well, he's an anomaly in that he's a guy that's... What I try to tell people to do, get involved in the system for the right reasons.

If you fucking hate your job anyway, well, then be a cop. If you hate cops and you think cops are corrupt, well, don't sit around selling shoes that pay less shoes and hate that. Hate being a cop, but be part of the system and try to make it right. Be Serpico. And at some point, after I met Jason, I moved here about eight years ago, and Jason was Betty's son, and he was a prosecutor. And then

he went, I'm fucking tired of this. I'm tired of the whole system. I'm moving to China. Which is something I think of doing. I think of defecting to whatever, Belize or Costa Rica or Western Samoa.

And I can do it. He has a family. He has two kids and a hot wife. And he talked them. He's like, I'm so tired of the system. I'm putting words in your mouth. What was the catalyst for leaving? Well, I'm not the only one that feels this way.

But you start feeling like you're in a box. And you start feeling like you're really not doing much good anyway and you want to just disappear and get off the grid and have a life experience that's just for you, just for you and your family. And that's kind of what I saw China to be, an opportunity for... And you all sat down over tuna casserole and said, everyone voted for backwoods China. Well, I always wanted to go,

you know, into Asia ever since I was young. My suggestion to Lita, Lita's my wife, is that we go to Mexico because I honestly thought she was not going to be on board, but I might be able to sell the idea if it was closer. So I suggested, you know, why don't we just go live in Mexico somewhere for a while? And she was like, well, we can go to Mexico anytime we want. We live on the border. If we're going to do something like this, why don't we go someplace like China? And I was like, okay. Oh, wow.

So it was perfect. And she walked right into where I wanted her to be. And we were on board together. And we thought, okay. A good prosecutor can make you say exactly what's going on. And the kids were like six and eight years old. And he just sent them to China schools. Nobody spoke English. Well, I mean, it was just one of those things that happened.

You'll thank me when you're older, he said. Well, and Lita and I were both thinking that it's an unusual experience for kids to have. We thought they're young. They're like a sponge. They're going to pick up the Chinese language. And what better than to know Chinese when they're older? It might create opportunities for them. So we thought, all in all, we talked about the idea and it seemed like a good idea. And we talked about pros and cons, and so we just did it.

And you taught English, which Brian Hennigan, my manager, taught English in China. And I know a lot of people who go to foreign countries to teach English, but they don't speak the local language. So how the fuck does that work? How do you go in not speaking Chinese and teach Chinese people how to speak? Well, every school is going to be a little bit different. I happen to be in a school that had a lot of money, and they had these course outlines already done for me. My job was very easy.

You know, Lita also got a contract to teach. It can't be easy if you don't speak the language they speak. Oh, it's easy because they really want to hear you. And what you're doing is you're doing a lot of talking in front of them. They want to hear your accent. They seem to have, they lean towards the American accent. What was the science fiction movie where there's two guys on a planet

that were fighting each other and one's an alien? Enemy mine. Enemy mine. That's all I can think of. You just start making sounds and then punch the other guy in the head when he doesn't understand not to touch you in an inappropriate manner or something. That's how I would

see teaching Chinese kids. Like, cigarette. My fucking cigarette. Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Well, but at the time, you have to keep, I mean, context is all important, too. China's an up-and-coming power.

They're very ambitious as a country. They totally understand that English is the language of business. So a lot of the students that I taught actually already had some grasp of English. They watch English television. They love American Hollywood and movies. So what they really wanted to do was practice what they've already been practicing all their life. And they would use their

broken English and ask me how to correctly say some words. And they're all short and they spit. I remember the stories you told me about China were just horrifying. I've never wanted to visit there and you made me not want to visit there more.

Well, my intent was never to make anyone not want to visit there because I love being in China. Oh, I know. But their culture, of course, is very different. That's the problem. The stories you told

that you thought were pluses were huge minuses. Well, I was in rural China. Of course, where I was was not Shanghai. Rural in what? 40 million people in your town? Well, I lived in a small town of 200,000.

Oh, wow. And it was about... That is a small town for China. And, I mean, it was... They had big buildings and everything else. There was a university there. But, I mean, it was... But they'd never seen Western children?

Well, I'm from a small town of 6,000. So my concept of small was a lot different than theirs. But one thing I did see while I was there is, and I was only there for about two years, but the changes in their country were so rapid. You know, and like I said, I was living in a rural area, but in that short span of time, you know, there were, I went, when I arrived there, there were people with goats tied to a tree in the median of the roadway. Now they're building these freeways that are spanning and connecting all these cities together. The amount of growth in that short period of time was amazing.

And the school I attended was a great illustration of the contrast of what was happening there, too. You'd have a new student that would arrive in what I called the chug-a-lug. There were these three-wheeler kind of tractor-looking things, and they kind of chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug. I think a lawnmower engine was powering them, and then right beside that student would pull up a black Mercedes. And both students would get out and walk in and join the student body. And that's kind of how China was, you know, where there's this rich elite group and there was this poor peasant farmer group. I remember you telling me that as a libertarian, I would love it because as long as you don't

talk shit about the government, you fucking do whatever you want. You smoke everywhere. You drink everywhere. There's no real rules like that they unless you're fucking with the powers that be. If you're standing in front of a tank, yeah, that's probably a bad thing, Tiananmen Square. But if you want to have illegal gambling on the back of your pickup truck, who's going to fuck with you? Well, and as long as you weren't advertising it and you weren't creating some kind of situation where it was going to dirty the mind of the people around you, at least obviously, then

they pretty much left you alone. That's true. They made it very clear when you went to China there are certain things you don't do. There are rules to teaching at the school. You don't talk religion. You don't talk politics. For the most part, I did respect those rules. I was never going to get out on a street corner and preach about how democracy is better than anything else. I'd never do that. I don't want to get

shipped out or killed. I did a private gig, which is very rare for my act. No one thinks this is good for their company, but I did one for Timeshare salesman in Cancun, and the guy said, I can never move back to America because of the corruption down here.

It makes everything so easy because it's simple. Law in this country is so fucked and contradictory. It's like it gets in the way. Yeah. He said, I get a DUI where I was blotto, blackout, shit-faced on Christmas night or Christmas Eve. And he said, I just knew how much to pay the cops so I could get to where I was going.

And it made everything simple. And a small girl died under his wheels that night. All right, I put that part in as a warning. They call that collateral damage. Yes. Yeah, you know what? You don't get the beach and the sun and the sand for nothing. Sometimes a kid's going to die.

But that's the same as how you made China sound. Once you know who to not make eye contact with, basically, it's a free society. But there's no rules. You told me about how you had a motor scooter. You had a motor scooter with a family of four. And they all got on this motor scooter. Imagine this country getting on without putting helmets and your kids. Well, that, even the Chinese did.

But obviously, I didn't have a driver's license which would have been a problem for anybody else but some of the other foreign teachers there just said you know what when the cop pulls you over if that ever happens just keep talking english to them they're going to talk chinese to you you know act like you don't know what you're doing and eventually the cops can get frustrated and just say go on you know just wave you on because he doesn't know what to do so i mean we drove around on the streets with our motorbike and you know at that time it was me lita and two kids and most of our driving was on campus we'd all ride it was a it was a little tiny moped but all four of us would ride and the size of those fake

titties that's two extra kids well two those are two breast feeders right there on the chest. Perfect example of my motor scooter experience. We were driving back from a Christmas Eve party and they asked me to be Santa Claus because I was one of the few white guys there and they thought it was funny. So I dressed up in my Santa suit. We were driving back from the party.

We were going maybe 20 miles an hour down a sidewalk and a little dog runs out in front of us. These are pretty smart dogs, and I could probably talk 15 minutes just about the dogs. Anyway, to make a long story short, this dog ran out in front of us. That's something you didn't get from your mother. I thought for sure this dog was going to move. I thought, I've got four people on this little tiny motor scooter scooter i can't swerve or we're going to crash so i just kept

going the dog didn't move we went clean over this dog and we just and tiny tim brought it home for dinner and it ran off into the bushes but you know that was just another night on the motor scooter and people were going about their business and we were all packed on, me and my Santa suit and my two kids and my wife clinging on a tiny little moped. It's just the way it was. It's like a PETA ad.

You on a moped running over a dog. Dressed as Santa Claus. That's pathetic. I don't know if that's the saddest or funniest way to... I don't know if we should start the podcast With that After we replace the lost footage Well and coming back to America

Was kind of hard because I mean as long as I moved to Hollywood when I was 18 To become an actor And I did it like old school I took a train Across country from Worcester, Massachusetts with $450 in my pocket. It was hard to come back as a failure from that.

But how do you come... First of all, there's no expectations when you go to China. So you're not coming back with your tail between your legs because you're not the new emperor. I know you felt bad coming back. Well, we felt bad coming back only because that wasn't our plan. We actually wanted to end up in Italy. Our plan was to spend two years in China,

two years somewhere in the Middle East, and then end up in Italy. Our plan was to spend two years in China, two years somewhere in the Middle East, and then end up in Italy. Well, that's... If you ask anyone that's in the industry, like how do I become Italian? They go, well, you've got to do at least two years of Chinese. Well... That's basically...

You've got to remember... Hey, wait a minute. You've got to remember, you're talking to a kid that was raised in Bisbee. Need I say more? Well, yeah, there's a listening audience. This is a conversation with us. But, yeah, no, it doesn't say anything to the people who are listening to the podcast. Well, we originally looked for teaching jobs in Italy.

And they're very competitive, and I have no teaching experience. But if you want to teach and you have no experience, you go where the biggest demand is. No one in their right mind wants to go to China. So that's where we went. I think prosecutors have a better job in China. I think there's a bigger growth industry. Well, if you want to work internationally, I advise strongly that you not go into law because you learn very jurisdictional knowledge,

and you're useless when you leave that jurisdiction. Truthfully, if anyone's listening out there, if you want to be an international player, law is the last place you want to go. Tell me and I'll tell him. You can just say it out loud. It's not a fucking professional... Of course not.

I'm here. I felt bad. Hey, stay on mic. Sorry. Just kidding. I didn't feel bad about coming back because I felt like I would be, I didn't accomplish what I wanted. But it was hard to come back just because I was so free while I was there.

And it's hard, even when I talk to people now, for them to understand. Because they think of China as this dictatorship where you can't do anything but the truth is, like you said, if you know what the wrong things are, there's very bright lines. You're very free. Me and my family can jump on a scooter without a license and as long as we aren't hurting

anybody, no one's going to care. I started a business there in the university business district where I sold jewelry and I mean obviously you needed a business license to do university business district where I sold jewelry. And, I mean, obviously you needed a business license to do it. I got to meet some students that were kind of, well, connected. If you know people that are connected to the Communist Party and they like you, you can pretty much do whatever you want.

And what would happen is they would tell me when the regulator was going to come by, probably because the regulator told them he was going to come by, and they would take it upon themselves to close my shop up. I'd go home. The regulator would come by and check it out. That's kind of a brutal, like an ego thing, where I always said, Hitler said, oh, you were really funny tonight. I'd go, that guy's not so bad.

But if you're connected to the Communist Party, it's like cops. I had such an awful view of cops and I'd fantasize about them being killed in mass in camps. And then I moved here where you actually

meet the cops. Like Reina across the street. A fucking guy was absolutely fucking beautiful guy and now now i read radley balco's book rise of the warrior cop and i think nothing could make you hate cops worse have you read it yet i gave you a copy i started it it's fucking brutal and but again it's not the cops it's the you's the people that are telling the cops what to do. But when cops like you, like even if I hadn't lived here, you're like, oh, the cops, yeah, I get an in with the cops,

and all of a sudden you feel some kind of power. So, yeah, oh, the communists like me. Well, and there's a certain amount, you know that you're okay as long as you don't screw with the powers that be. And I suppose if you want to be a rebel, you know, and you want to rebel against the powers that be, you're probably in the wrong country. If you want to carve out a little tiny niche and, you know, not bother anybody and go about your business, then you're going to feel probably pretty safe. But at the same time, once those powers that be

like you, this part of you that goes, ooh, I can push this. I can make them like me more, and I can do more damage. I can see that whole absolute power corrupts absolutely

the same way I've never been famous, but I've been famous enough to see where I'd fucking hate it. And people, well, you don't know. Well, no, I've been famous enough. If I don't like a little tiny bit of fame, I know I'm not going to like more.

If I hate asparagus, well, you're going to try a whole bowl. No, that doesn't make sense. But I can see where if I were, you know, Oh, they took a shine to me just like this Snowden guy where they like all these countries.

They go, Oh, you can come here. Well, I'd be a celebrity if I went to Venezuela only cause they fucking hate the States. And now we have one of yours and I could parlay that into something. Ego's a motherfucker.

Well, and on that political note, in my opinion, when you start talking politics and the meaning of power, benevolent dictatorship, in my opinion, is probably the most efficient form of government. I've said the same thing. I had a joke. You don't. But it's about the people that you know, that have the power. And I guess, suppose we can take this full circle.

And that's one of the reasons that I feel real comfortable as a prosecutor. Because I've lived through a situation where people have judged my own family, you know, in a way that just wasn't true. Absolutely not true. Where they would consider people that I love and I know that are kind people, nice people, gentle people, they would judge them as evil drug dealers. But I was aware enough, and obviously that's not them. They aren't going to hurt anybody. And when you have people in positions like the prosecution or a judge. Which is almost like professional sports in that you're judged on a win-loss.

Well, not even necessarily win-loss, but you have people that have no experience of what it's like to be on the other side, and they're seeing it completely from a situation where, I mean, maybe they're really, maybe they've lived a very sterile life. They've never tried drugs. They've never known people who have used drugs.

They've never known anybody. Or they think they're different, where I know a lot of people that go, yeah, well, yeah, we do cocaine at parties, but it's not like these meth heads, which to an extent is true. Well, no, cocaine at parties, but it's not like these meth heads, which to an extent is true. Well, no, but more particularly, I mean, there's a guy that I'm not going to ever use his name. I really like him.

I respect him. Write it down. I'll say it. Well, I wouldn't want to bring him any harm because he's a good person. But his flaw is that he has no perspective because he seems to think he believes he's a good person. He tries really hard to be a good person. He's never used drugs. You know, he probably he's I can't really say he's a church goer because he's not.

But but he would be what you'd consider like the stereotypical good Mormon personality. He's not a Mormon, but just to give you the stereotype, you know, and here he is judging what I would think are normal people when he has no idea what a normal person is because in his limited view of the world, what he is is normal. And everybody... Kind of most of us think that, but hopefully you see that you think that,

and that's not true. Am I making sense? Yeah, well, you have to have a certain level of self-awareness when it comes to that. He's an older man and he's a very intelligent person but his life has been, his existence has been so

narrow that he has a false impression that his little narrow world is representative of the larger world. I guess what I'm really trying to say is you have people like him that end up rising in these positions of power and judgment, you know, in the prosecutor's office, in the courts, and they're good, clean, hardworking people, but they represent a very small percentage of the average person. But they're the ones casting judgment on us every day.

And I can tell you firsthand, you don't want that guy to judge you when you find yourself making a mistake. And unfortunately, when you do make that mistake, and we all make mistakes, even at some point they're going to make a mistake. They don't want to have someone like them managing their case. Well, that's just like the joke of a jury of your peers. Go ahead. I can even see.

Oh, all right. Yeah, no. Say it out loud. Get on the mic. You were just talking about the book you were reading about the three felonies every year. Oh, yeah. He hasn't read that. I want to talk to him after I'm done reading it and after he's done reading it. It deals more. The Three felonies roughly a day without knowing it because

of the breadth of federal law, like so many laws, some contradictory, some so vague that they can prosecute you without you really knowing what the crime was. But I haven't finished it. But what were

you saying? But that's a book about people that don't know. And then you have another group of people that actually do know. And they're people in power. And they're people that are judges and lawyers and doctors. And they're doing things like smoking dope from time to time. And then

we find ourselves prosecuting some college kid who got mixed up with the wrong group of people and did something that they probably wouldn't have done otherwise. But prosecutors build their... Prosecutors build their careers on victories, just like

the fucking Yankees. Like, oh, I tried to... I thought that was wrong, but we couldn't... There was not enough case law to back it up. Well, you're one of the few people I know that is doing the right thing. Well, everybody wants to do their job well. I believe that. And even some of these people I've referred to that I think are the absolute clean.

Not necessarily do their job well. They want to appear like good intentions. Not necessarily do their job well. They want to appear like... They have good intentions. Not necessarily. Some people want to... I want to... Oh, I'm going to be a prosecutor. I'm going to arrest the most people.

I'm going to put the most people behind bars. And that's not necessarily the way to do it. And when you say judges, a jury of your peers, well, you don't have a judge of your peers. Judges are always selected from the cream of the crop of the top of the people that worked that angle. You don't have a guy that,

well, I was a UPS man, now I'm a judge. Well, and that's what Jason was talking about earlier, I think, is perspective. You get people with such limited perspective that fuck can't. You get people with such limited perspective that fuck, can't. You get the fucking guy from Celebrity Rehab.

The Zimmerman guy. You know, Dr. Drew's right-hand man. He was a drug addict. The pockmarked guy. And he's the guy. He's talking to drug addicts from a drug addict's perspective. He knows what the fuck you don't get

uh well i was a felon for a while and i did seven years in prison and then i get out i get a real job and i'm a judge so i understand what you went through that guy is not a judge right how can you empathize when you're in a position of power if you have no exposure to the other side, how can you? Yeah, Dr. Rue. And it's not even a flaw. A priest giving sex advice, what? It's not a personality flaw. These are good people. These are people that I respect and admire.

And that's where I said good intentions. Right. Exactly, right. To them, they have good intentions. They have no clue. How could they know? Because they've never been exposed, and they would never do it intentionally.

And you go back to that book you were talking about, where maybe unintentionally they actually are felons every day. They don't even know it. Maybe if they were to consider that maybe that would open their mind a little bit. Sorry, I lost my thought. Go ahead.

I was going to say what you touched on earlier. I had to go to weed rehab when I was in the army. Weed rehab, yes. It was basically alcohol rehab, but the guy had the same resume. I had problems with this and I did time with this,

so I came at it with, well, I'm just training for your job. You make a lot of money at this point. I'm putting in my time. It's all perspective. Well, and then the flip side of the coin is there are people in positions of respect, professionals,

that consciously do things like smoke weed from time to time. And if they were prosecuted to the full extent of the law, like some other people are, their life would be destroyed. And here they're hardworking taxpayers that would never hurt you they would give you the coat off their back on a cold day you know but they're consciously breaking the law you know and then they turn around and they're prosecuting people and because the law says they have to and it just seems like a real mixed up mess it's a a mess. That's why you went to China, right?

It's not a mess. A mess is when a waiter carrying a large bus tray slips on a banana peel on his way to the kitchen and everyone at the four-star restaurant goes, what? It's fucked

when you look at what prison is like. People... Sorry, now I'm getting all fucking angry. Get angry. it's fucked when you look at what prison is like. People, sorry, now I'm getting all fucking angry. Get angry, that's okay. Yeah, it's messed up because they send these kids to prison and they don't realize they should spend some time in prison. Scared straight should be directed to prosecutors, judges.

Those are the people who should have to spend some time in prison and go, really, is this going to benefit society, is to take someone, even if they're guilty of something, that should be a crime. You shouldn't be a prosecutor unless your mother's been in prison. Well, we're there to solve problems. And I think what, correct me if i'm wrong but what you're trying to say is what are we doing by supporting this system are we really solving any problems and i would have to say no and one of the things that caused when i

came back from china i went into the defense and i couldn't stand it because I had three clients in a row and they were, it's called scouts, and basically two of them were in college, good students, nice kids. You know, they would never hurt you. They could be your neighbor. You'd never have to worry about them stealing your bike, breaking into your house, hurting your kids.

They'll be there to help you. They're going to call the cops if there's a problem. That's the kind of people they are. Well, they're being prosecuted because someone offered them 50 bucks or 100 bucks, friends of theirs that they also saw as being harmless, to drive down the street and then drive back and tell them whether or not there were any cops on that particular road. And then they went about their business. Well, it turns out that the people they were driving down the road for got caught. They obviously weren't very good scouts, but that's beside the point. When these people ended up getting caught with their load of dope,

the scouts get fully prosecuted in the same manner as the people driving the load. So these kids were facing prison, and at the time, Cochise County had a very strict policy. Basically, their offer, their best offer they'd ever get, unless I won the case for them, was a year and a half in prison. And I just, I couldn't stand the idea that these kids, 19 and 20 years old, were going to go to prison for a year and a half because a friend they knew asked them to drive down the street and call them if they saw any cops.

And I just couldn't tolerate it. It just caused me great emotional distress. You have a lot less power to change in the defense as opposed to in the prosecutor's office? Well, I ended up going back into the prosecutor's office after these cases. And one of the things that I'm doing is basically trying to create a situation where these people are given a chance to go into what's called adult diversion. And first time nonviolent offenders, even though I honestly,

and I'm willing to say this on the air, I don't care who hears it, I'm absolutely 100% against the drug war. I don't think legislating someone's morality is hurting anybody. In your field, you're not alone. I want to go after the people that are hurting you. I want to go after that guy that lives next door that's going to steal your bike, hurt your kids, take your property, and somehow cause you damage in your life. These other people that are doing what they want to do

in the privacy of their own home, I don't care what they're doing. I don't think any of us should care what they're doing, as long as they leave us alone. I used to toy with a bit that capitalism would be equally as culpable as drugs are, and more so if you want to go for the root cause of the crime. All right, you smoke crack and you're addicted and you rob me because you need crack money.

Well, that's a small percentage. The people that just steal from you because they want money under a capitalist system, I just want to fucking have a lot of money so I can get chicks and shit. That's the cause of the most crime would be fucking money and greed. Are we going to make greed?

Do I have to become that guy from Wall Street? I forget the character's name. Greed is good. I've been wanting to talk to someone about this for a while and it seems good. Don't you think, think though prosecuting low level people has become an extension of like an arm of the economy

just like keeping old people alive in old folks homes you need that, that way uneducated young women can get a CNA and change their diapers and shit it's a whole arm of the economy and the same thing with because as a poet i for a long time i was angry and i'm like it doesn't make any

sense why don't they you know all the you read the emperor wears no clothes and you say that everything there's a five thousand dollar reward at the end of the emperor wearing those clothes, if you can refute the evidence in pro-weed, basically, is what it is. And if that's true, then how does it justify with the politicians making it illegal? And then I had to go, oh, well, because it's a fucking... It's a cash cow. It's an economic thing.

Yeah, you can't fucking undermine the... How many different sectors of the economy would legalized hemp undermine? Every time you hear drug proponents, well, if we tax it and make it legal, well, then how many people are going to lose their jobs as prison guards? We have the largest prison population. I would love to have the numbers of how many jobs would be lost if we cured cancer. Right. Keep treating the symptoms.

Oh, but if someone had the cure, I bet they'd fucking quash it in a second because no one has a job. Yeah. I buy shitty $2.99 Walmart T-shirts regardless of what they say because I have to clothe myself. But if I bought a hemp t-shirt, I wouldn't

have to buy one every six months because it fucking ran out. It would undermine the whole cotton industry. I mean, there's a lot of aspects to think about. Well, and that's very true. In the counseling industry, as a result, in DUI, there's a cottage industry that's wrapped around mad Mothers Against Drunk Driving

with these little classes they do. There's no doubt that if you change some of these laws, there's going to be a lot of people out of work. Just our community alone, you look at the number of government vehicles that drive around, our economy is so dependent on those Border Patrol agents and those customs agents getting nice big salaries. They buy things in our stores. They're paying taxes.

I saw two of those guys taking a nap on the dirt road by my house today, by the way. But they're making very good money to take that nap. They need the most state-of-the-art equipment. They don't fuck with me, so I don't fuck with them. And they're renting houses from people for double the money that they could get in this little town. All of those types of things. And Doug raises a great point, too. It's not just their salaries.

It's the cars they drive around in. It's the equipment that gets purchased. Raytheon, all these other companies. We need these crimes. We need the war. The war on drugs has funneled so much money. The government has funneled so much money into local police forces

based on how many drug arrests, not arrests, murder, rape, simply on drug arrests. And when you get through this Radley Balko book, Rise of the Warrior Cop, I can't fucking recommend it enough. And it gives you empathy for

the police where they're given a town this size or Sierra Vista size, 25,000 people, fucking tanks and armored based on, well, the Newtown school shooting. You can't say it can never

happen here. Terrorism can happen anywhere. And when you give a bunch of dudes, I'm not even going to say I'm not one of them, but you give a bunch of dudes who wanted to be cops a fucking tank, they're going to find a reason they need to use it. Absolutely. And he made that point so well.

So you can't really blame the police when it's, and it all boils down to economics. Well, and we're all to blame. And here's a good example. I'm going to hang my own. Oh, fuck you. I'm going to put my own. Blame Chad Shag.

You'll get the elbows, sir. You're going to get the elbows. I'm pretty guilty of a lot of shit. I don't know. Let me hear about it. Well, as I said a few moments ago, I was rehired into the county attorney's office. Hang on. You were rehired into the county attorney's office.

Let's pause right there so you can save this in case it gets knocked over again. Let's take a quick break and take a piss and stay tuned. Let's take a quick break and take a piss and stay tuned. Hey, until we know what the fuck we're doing, please feel free to email questions, suggestions, all the dumb shit to Doug at Doug Stanhope dot com and put podcast in the subject and include your first name and where you're writing from. And then we'll read that shit, maybe. Okay. Did you get this? Yeah, save it.

Okay. If you're ever gonna smoke out of a bong, do it on mic. He did, yeah. Oh, good. Alright, I don't have headphones. He caught that. I was trying to catch it. All right.

So you were on defense after you came back from China, hated it, decided to go back to the prosecutor's office. I didn't hate it. I actually liked it. But on the defense, you have a lot less leverage. You have a lot less power, to be frank. Prosecutors, to a certain extent, they hold the cards. Prosecutors can cut you a deal. Defense can't. You have a higher ethical obligation in terms of your bar license,

but at the same time, you have a lot more power if you see an opportunity where you can help somebody. Well, my primary goal was to, like I said earlier, build what's called the adult diversion program. And probably a lot of you listening don't know what that is. No, see, you keep saying you're discounting my audience. My audience probably in an adult diversion. They've had a few court cases. This is probably some violation

of their probation is listening to me. Oh, did you just do it? He just... Alright, we got the SIM card? Alright. Fucking rinky-dink operation I have. Shawnee is he's our Chaley of the night doing our production and being a bit of a failure here, though, because I've only erased about.

I just realized two thirds of I just realized there's duct tape on your headphones. That's not even a shape. That's like some fucking cheesy. I'll go. That's not even good. Yeah, we have low rent tape on our low rent headphones. That's not even duct tape. That's like some fucking cheesy... It's not even good tape. We have low-rent tape on our low-rent headphones. This is bad.

I'll cut a check. Well, the clients... And I liked being a defense attorney, and actually you can make a lot more money working in the defense. Once again, anyone who wants to be an attorney, if you want to make money, go into the defense. But my clients, at the time, well, there are certain policies here in Cochise County.

Cochise County had the idea that we need to be harder on drug dealers and that we want to have, you know, going back to the late 80s, early 90s, some kind of zero-tolerance position where I don't care if you're 16 years old, 17 years old, 18, 19, you're going to prison. You run drugs, you're going to prison. It's that simple. It's cut and dry. Tell your friends because it's going to happen. Well, it turns out that as a defense attorney, I had some of those guys as my clients and they were not prison material. And in my estimation, not only were their friends

not going to understand the lesson, and they were going to continue to do it, because, hey, this is Douglas, Arizona, okay? Every third person walking around in Douglas probably has some affiliation with the drug cartel. I mean, it's Douglas, okay? Local reference. Come on, people, it's Douglas, okay? Local reference. Come on, people.

It's Douglas. Sorry, I'm talking to my comedy-friendly fans. Go ahead. So the county attorney's office thought, you know what? We can change this by just being more strict. And these 16-year-old kids are just going to go to prison. And I couldn't digest that as a reasonable alternative for these guys. And as of now, first-time nonviolent offenders

will get a referral into the adult diversion program as long as they keep their ducks in a row. As long as they're white? I thought that was what you were going to say. No, no, no. It's Douglas. There's no white people. Oh, that's right, Douglas.

I was thinking of myself once again. We were talking about just thinking of yourself. I'm sorry. But what it does is it gives these kids, in my opinion, even 19, 20, I was a kid probably until I was 30. They're kids, okay? It gives them a wake-up call that, hey, my neighbor who has never been caught may be driving a pretty cool car, but gosh, I came

this close to going to prison. It's real. And by going to diversion, they're still facing certain consequences. They're paying money back into the general fund to pay for law enforcement, etc., etc. You don't send them to prison and create a better criminal. They come out more dangerous

without being a felon. With connections. Absolutely. Well, and they have the ability, ultimately, to be the good citizen that they would have been had they not made that decision. And what we all want at the end of the day are people that are going to work hard and pay taxes and be good people, right? I rely on those people. Yeah, let's knock out the taxes part. I rely on those people. Well, but like for my mother, for example, was dragging the felony behind her.

She's a teacher, all right? And that felony that she was dragging behind her prevented her from being able to do what she was not only qualified to do but what she was good at, okay? And as a result, she ended up having to accept alternatives that were not only not as good for her, but not as good for anybody. She's a good teacher, and there are a lot of students out there... And a lousy whore, I know what you're saying. That would have benefited from her experience. You know, there are children out there that didn't

have the benefit of her as a teacher because she made a mistake in the past, she broke the law, and we can argue about the drug war and whether it was a mistake or not, but the truth is, it was a statute, it was on the books, she violated the law. And we can argue about the drug war and whether it was a mistake or not. But the truth is, it was a statute. It was on the books. She violated the law, but she had to drag that around for 30 years.

And to some degree, she's still dragging it around. There are still people out there that are judging her for doing what she did. And, you know, that is something that I think can be avoided. I'd love to hear the book come out someday in the future, the rise of the educator cop, rather than the, you know, I mean, really, that's the thing. It's

like, are you trying to change certain stupid behaviors and bad decisions people make? You know, that's education. Are you trying to be a you know a militaristic you know in our country where we want to have a society that's actually you know a good living experience you don't want a bunch of you know gestapo like you're breathing down your neck about every little stupid little thing you want you people, hey, that's a stupid thing. You're 17 years old. Yeah, come on. Have you studied anything?

I can't find a really good book about the prison system itself. I've read about other prison systems in Norway and Iceland that work, and they actually teach people, they encourage what in this country they go, oh, it's a fucking country club prison. The whole prison system is about secondhand revenge in this country. Well, he fucked me, fuck him. He should be raped in prison.

This whole culture of being... You hit the nail on the head. You said the whole culture. And I think when you get down to it, it's not the prison itself. It's the culture that's wrapped around it. We create the prison because of what we want as a public. You have people out there that are slamming hammers down on the table saying, I wish they were raped, etc., etc. I want that person

that smoked marijuana to go to prison. I want that scout that for a hundred bucks drove down the street and called his friend and said there was no law enforcement. I think that the people who have a vested interest, you know, dollars, in terms of like, hey, this is my job. If I don't incarcerate more people,

I'm not, you know, I'm not going to be able to take home this kind of money. And they latch on to, oh, somebody in an angry moment in our society said, no, people fucking want blood justice. They don't want the blood on their hands. They want people to suffer because someone spray-painted their fucking mailbox

and they don't know who it is, and fuck everybody. They say that in a minute, but when they're faced with the actual person and the stupid kid who spray-painted whatever, they're not. They're faced with a minute, but when they're faced with the actual person and the stupid kid who's spray painted, whatever. They're not. They wouldn't follow through with that. They're faced with a culture of CNN that tells them all this horrible shit is happening. It's an old Bill Hicks bit where he talks about, I watch CNN and it's blood, war, destruction, hell, shit, I can't do it justice. And then I look out my window and it's chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.

Like, where is all this shit happening? But because of the media has built people up into this frenzy where, there you go. Oh, Derek was just heroic there. Yes, he was very heroic. Betty, did you have something to say? Because you grabbed at a microphone. You probably lost the moment.

I did, but I lost the moment. That's all right. Well, it's a culture. And we grabbed at a microphone. You probably lost the moment. I did, but I lost the moment. That's all right. Well, it's a culture. We are in a culture. Always give Chad a microphone. Well, one thing I was thinking is that if you read why we have prisons, and it's all written out and it's all in the law, and it says to rehabilitate and reintroduce into society.

But having been in prison, there is no rehabilitation, and all it is is punishment. It's punishment, punishment, punishment. Well, but that's kind of what I was getting at earlier. The words don't matter, okay? People use words to pass laws. The words say one thing, but the culture is something different. We aren't a culture of problem solvers. And that's the root. If you look at places where

you say prison is working, it's not because prison is working. It's because the people in that society are working. And they are problem solvers. And they're able to look at something and say, is this a problem and if the answer is yes then instead of saying how do we punish them we're we're looking at how do we solve the problem because no one wants that's really fantastic no one wants anybody to steal from you i don't want someone to come into my yard and steal my kid's bike okay i don't want someone to steal my kid and rape him and kill him there's there's certain things in the world i don't want someone to steal my kid and rape him and kill him. There's certain things in the world I don't want. I don't want some loony walking around the street yelling at everybody because he's high on drugs either.

But it's about how do you take that situation and solve it, not how do you punish that guy because he pissed me off because he was yelling at me while I was walking down the street. So are we a product of a nanny state? That's very mature of you. Are we a product of a nanny state that we've grown up thinking that government will always take care of everything? That we just, oh, you do these steps, you go to school, you go to college,

you get a job. If you don't go to college, you do this. But you can ride in the bike lane and you don't have to look both ways because cars are not allowed to. You assume that growing up in this country that everything's taken care of for you as long as you do your own part. Where you don't think that, fuck, yeah, you're a fucking human being out here in a wilderness of the world. We've gotten to the point of thinking that our job is to complain

rather than to solve an issue. Because you think that you're taken care of. Right, exactly. All the shit that you grow up thinking is true, social security and all, oh yeah, all you have to do is work hard and everything's... Isn't that necessary to support the number of people? That's another problem of overpopulation.

Yeah, I was going to get to that. Every single... Any problem that we ever talk about on this podcast, we can boil down to too many fucking people. Sorry for ending the podcast. I'm going to debate that one. That's bullshit. Because if you have a very strong

educational culture where it's not this dumbing down that George Bush... Name me an overpopulated country full of fucking really bright Norwegian type of people. It's very difficult to achieve. I'm not saying it's not.

It hasn't ever happened. It hasn't ever happened because we're talking about a very short window. We're talking from Bisbee, Arizona, where there's 6,000 people and it's kind of fucked up. Right, but we have to mature as a culture. At this point, there hasn't been 100 million people in a country for more than 70 years. I mean, this is all a new thing.

I mean, this is all a new thing. Right, and you can't treat people as though they're anything more than product in a country that size. When he's working as a prosecutor or in the defense, he probably knows most of the people or knows about the people he's prosecuting or defending. about the people he's prosecuting or defending. You don't have that in New York City where you have fucking no-knock raids and fucking just, those are nameless, aimless, that's fucking dandelions in a field. They're not human beings. So yeah, I can boil every argument

on any level down to overpopulation and too many people. But every time there's been a push forward in terms of true cultural awareness and where there's been an enlightenment movement, all of that, okay, the few bad seeds have been kind of ignored. And you're looking at the potential of a population rather than people who are driven by, driven into some stupid decisions by their situation.

You're like, hey, these are people who can have this. We're talking about this on a purely judicial... That's exactly the point, though. You can't have a judge in a town of a fucking billion people going, this is that, okay, we'll do all this with that. No, but the policies...

You can. Right. The policies... How? Hang on. How? You put the right people in power. Okay? You put people in people in power. Okay? You put people in power that have empathy toward their fellow man. But how do you do that when the people don't know the person that's up for election? Or up for selection? We're talking about governmental structures.

And now you're talking about power. I would rather take it back to where Shawnee was going originally and saying, you know, about personal responsibility, you know, and about how we're all victims. And it kind of took the conversation to where we began it, where me living in China, that is one thing

that I did get to experience firsthand that I really missed when I came back. When I was in China, no one was taking care of me. No one really gave a crap if I fell down a ditch and hit my head and couldn't climb back out, except my own family. They were going to climb down there and help me. But no one else cared. If you were walking down the sidewalk and there was a hole in front of you and you were stupid enough to fall in the hole, well, then people would just look at you

and think, that's a stupid guy. But in America, we don't think like that. We think we need to tax the public to put a sign in front of that fucking hole. Hennegan bitches about this all the time. Everywhere you go, you go to the Grand Canyon,

there's giant railings. Do not walk the time. Everywhere you go, you go to the Grand Canyon, there's giant railings. Do not walk around here. If you're in the Swiss Alps, you just fucking fall. Do not jump in that fire. Do not stab yourself in the eye. Come on, fuck. That's what I was talking about. We're raised to think that everything will go okay

because of the government. You don't think to look both ways. Your mother has to tell you look both ways to cross the street. You know what? Crossing the street is a absolute perfect example of the differences between the culture in China and the culture here. The other day I was driving down in Bisbee.

We know Bisbee's a one car every ten minute kind of town. I was driving down the road on Bisbee Road. I saw a pedestrian in the distance. As I approached, they just started walking in front of me. And I was like, what the heck?

And you hit him because you work for the prosecutor's office. Fuck you. You can't touch me. I'm untouchable. They walked right in front of me. And where I was in that awkward yellow light situation, we were like,

should I keep going and go around them? It's kind of awkward. It's an awkward situation. I kept going and I went around them. I looked in my rear view mirror. They were yelling at me and flipping me off. And here I am thinking, I know where you live. That Gary Larson cartoon, have you ever seen it,

where that dinosaur is walking through the desert and there's one tree in the middle of the desert and the dinosaur walks right into it, you know? And, and that's kind of how I felt is this person was crossing a Bisbee road and I'm the one car in plain sight right there. And they just choose for some stupid reason to walk right out in front of me

with the expectation that the car is going to stop. Now in China, there's a lot to not like about China. One of them is the traffic. Okay. People are crazy. But you know what? When you cross the Chinese road, China, there's a lot to not like about China. One of them is the traffic. People are crazy. Fuck those people. When you cross a Chinese road, you're crossing knowing they're not going to stop.

When you walk out, you better be fully prepared to be hit by a car if you make a stupid mistake. And I think that is the ultimate difference between our countries is everybody here, it's like we aren't going to be happy until we've created a padded cell where all of us can live. The government can slide a tray underneath the door and feed us and water us. If we can run around our room and play, if we hit our head on the ground, it's going to have a pad there. I think Carlin called it. Was it Carlin that said the Nerf world? That's exactly what we're creating and it's our fault.

Right. Me, you, everyone in this room, our neighbors, we're creating that. But what happens if we don't do that? Doesn't everything collapse because we need to do that to sustain the number of people that are being created? That's bullshit. One of our biggest cities cities in New York City,

it's actually more like China. I was a foot messenger in New York. Okay. And you always assume that the fucking cabbies and whoever it is is going to run your ass over. And you just dodge through the traffic and you just assume that that's the way it's going to be. It over. You dodge through the traffic and you just assume that that's the way it's going to be.

It's life and death. You just wait out into the street in New York City. You're a moron. You've got to be aware and you've got to be ready to go. That's something in one of our most populous cities that is like Bangkok.

It's like these other you know highly dense cities where where life is cheap you gotta have some personal responsibility so i don't think that's necessarily an overpopulation issue it's a it's a the world owes us something issue exactly that's like where you get in the smaller towns in the middle America where everybody's like, oh, you know, this sense of entitlement that happens where there's not a lot of exposure to danger.

There's not a lot of exposure to true adversity. So in smaller populated towns, there's less exposure to danger and people have more of a sense. In smaller populated towns, there's less exposure to danger, and people have more of a sense. It gets back to our point, that fucking overpopulation. Even Derek wants in now. I have recently learned about the street crossing thing. That guy that he timed it perfectly to cross when you were coming,

that's his hour of power. He doesn't get to tell anybody what to do all day, but if he crosses the street at the right time, he gets to make you stop. Derek knows when to say what he has to say, and then get the fuck back to seeing if there's enough ice. Nice.

Hour of power, baby. That's his hour of power. And then it's great that he gets someone like you that he walks in front of instead of someone like me who I'm already laying on the horn and looking for an excuse to jump out and fucking show him. Chad has a lot of anger issues. You're not familiar with Chad. I don't go into society much for that reason.

Self-aware psychopath. Exactly. Self-awareness is the key. As I said, that's why I don't own a gun, because I'm a responsible, drunkard, and occasional drug user. And I have a fucking Napoleon complex. I know I shouldn't have a gun, because I would have a perceived threat when there were none.

When I was drinking, like those fucking tweakers that used to live across the street that just got evicted. Oh, I think they're fucking casing my house. Clack, clack, poomaw. Oh, no, they're just looking for their dachshund. I thought that. Yeah. Oops. Yeah, so I know.

Yeah, a man has to know his limitations. I think Reagan said that. He was a great man. What time are we at? We should wrap this up, I think. We're about an hour. I would think at least that. Let's throw in the quick story about Gabe, the other son of Betty.

If Chaley were here, he'd know bullet points. No, 25 minutes since we broke last to piss. Only 25 minutes? No, no. We're well over now. Yeah, just for this part. We're about an hour. But I want to tell the Gabe story.

Betty will get tomorrow or earlier, depending on how they edit this. That was Jason Betty's son, her eldest, the prosecutor, and expat. But you have a younger, dumber son. Let's talk about him. Oh, I wish he a younger, dumber son. Let's talk about him. Oh, I wish he was here to tell the story.

Yeah, all right. Well, Jason knows enough. I'm indirectly a part of the story. This is just a quick story. For a minute, Brian tried to do a doc... Ill-fated has never been more appropriate. Ill-fated attempt to do a documentary about the younger boy, Gabe, who played in the NFL with an asterisk. He was in training camps.

He was a brilliant punter and could have had a Super Bowl ring, but only if. Only if. So get to the beginning of his career. Okay, yeah. Quickly. He was in several training camps. Went to college where?

Ohio, Miami, was it? What's that? Where did he go to college? Oh, he went to U of A for a bit. He went to a community college. He ended up as a punter in Toledo. All right. And he to a community college. He ended up as a punter in Toledo. He did several training camps.

Dallas, when he was still in college. Early years, Bears, he did several training camps. It was not a nice person. You're talking about my baby here. No, but I'm saying he was kind of a prick in training camp.

You're counting about baby Gabe here. He was the youngest in the family, so he had the youngest. No, I'm not talking with you. I'm talking to get along with. I'm saying personality matters when it comes to business. He knew he was good, and he got pissed off every time he didn't get a job. He was not a good sport in training camps is what I've gleaned from the whole story. He did go to – he played NFL two years.

One of those years, he had actually signed with the Giants. They sent him to Europe, and he played one season NFL for the Giants in NFL Europe. Played one season NFL for the Giants in NFL Europe. Came back. First or second preseason game, broke his back. We were all watching it on TV. It was horrible. We see him leaving the field.

He had a broken back. A lot of stretcher? No, he's too proud to do that. They kind of limped off. Kind of limped off the field. Two people holding him up, took him off the field. Broke a lower vertebra. Okay, that was in August.

Okay, so he goes into all this therapy, does everything he's supposed to do. February, he gets released medically. So this is preseason. Yeah, preseason. He was playing preseason. This is before Red Zone, so you probably had to fly to New York to actually watch the game

where he broke his back. No, no. It was on TV. We were having a big party. He broke his back. How'd the party go? Did everyone disperse? Put a little damper on it. Okay, so he goes through all this therapy. He's got to fly back to

the Giants team doctors like every three or four weeks to get checked. Is this story supposed to end up where he went to Disneyland? Yeah, it ends up there. That was before the Giants. No, it wasn't. It was for the Giants. No, no.

No, it was 2001 is the story. Well, while we're all confused, was there a roughing the kicker call? There was a roughing the kicker, but they got the penalty. It was good. He broke his back, but you know what? The other team lost 15 yards. Yeah, they lost 15 yards. It all works out.

That's American justice. They cover the spread. That, they lost 15 yards. It all works out. That's American justice. They cover the spread. So in February, he gets medically released, but we don't plan on any future camps for at least another year. Okay, but then it goes along in November. There's that horrible Patriots game where they almost lose the game because of the punter. The last six.

Patriots against the Colts. It was 2001, November 2001. I can't remember the dates. I do because one of the best Super Bowls ever was February 2002. So he broke his back. He's medically released. We're still not thinking he's going to get called because they're still nervous about him, his back.

He's given up. Gabe gives up easy. He's a negativist. And there's a game. He's a, oh, nothing will ever go right in my life kind of guy. And it's the end of November. The Patriots almost lose the game because of their punter. Okay, so we don't think anything about it.

It's, you know, a whole big deal. So we get an opportunity to go to Disneyland free. Free game. His sister's in the military. She gets military day in Disneyland. So we all go to Disneyland. Okay, so. But prior to the trip to Disneyland, he went to a Patriots kicking camp. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. So he went there. There was five guys called. He wasn't one of the guys that got chosen. The other guy was. But he was second. That guy played a game and played a terrible game. But at that point, when Gabe got released from that camp,

he had a string. Everything sucks. I'm never going to do anything. Fuck this. He had just been released. Let's go to Disneyland. From several different camps. He was down.

He thought, you know what? This sucks. I'm sick of this. I keep going to these camps. They keep rejecting me. But he was second man, but he was like, that's not good enough. And he had already been. Just to give some context, how far...

Give him a mic. To give some context, how far can Gabe kick a field goal? Oh, well, he doesn't kick. He's a punter. Give the mic back. Give the mic back. You went from producer to... You're Jeff the drunk on this.

Give the mic back. But I'm right at the apex of the story. Okay, come on. Okay, he can do a 50-yard punt with a 5.7 hang time. Exactly. Okay, so he's pretty good. Any punter can do anything on any given Sunday. But he was down on his luck.

Wait, he's down on his luck. This is the point. The free trip came along. Yeah, and he was going to get that. And here's where on his luck. This is the point. The free trip came along. Yeah, and he was going to Disneyland. And here's where I fit in. This is my one part of the story. Oh, go ahead. Tell your wife.

No, Jason, Jason. You're carrying this. Gabe is pissed. I live in Tucson at the time. Where I live, I'm not far from the U of A. My house is in a cellular dead spot, okay? My cell phone breaks for some reason. It broke.

And Gabe is so pissed. He's like, Jason, take my cell phone. I don't want it anyway. So he gives me his cell phone. And then he goes with my mom and my sister. And they leave town. To Disneyland. To Disneyland.

OK. So it's a really good Disneyland trip. We're not thinking football because he's really depressed. Don't talk about football. Yeah, no, we don't talk about football. And I've got a cell phone. Pirates of the Caribbean, Gabe. You're an adult male football player.

Let's go on Pirates of the Caribbean. Let's go in the teacups. Don't think about football. He doesn't give his agent my cell phone number. No, his agent did have your cell phone number and his, which now, of course, is in my possession. Okay. Go ahead.

But he takes his girlfriend to Disneyland, and the big deal is he's carrying around for two days, he's carrying around an engagement ring, thinking about how he's going to present this to her in Disneyland. And so he gets so... Faggot! He gets so nervous. That was some interference, audio interference.

Faggot! He gets so nervous that he's going to lose the engagement ring. He gives it to his mother to carry because he's afraid he's going to lose it. And you traded it for magic beans. But anyway, off topic. Okay, so we go along.

He finally finds the perfect way to propose to the girl. Okay, they get engaged. Okay, it's a happy, wonderful time. Nobody's thinking about football. I get in the car and start driving home. He gets on an airplane with the fiancé and flies home. He gets home to Marinci, Arizona, and there's 17 messages on his cell phone, on his machine, where his agent and the NFL tried to reach him.

They said, okay, we want you. Come here. We want to have you. They said, okay, we want you. Come here. We want to have you. You're going to be our punter. They fired the other guy. Gabe was next in line. This is the Patriots' first Super Bowl win. Patriots.

This is late season Patriots. The other guy was gone. 2001. I'm not on here. They had a new victory over the Rams, 17-14. Fucking. And they were like 15-point underdogs. He would have been on the team.

He would have had a Super Bowl ring. Ring, yeah. First, first. It was a really miserable. So he gets home, yeah, 17 messages on his machine, and now it's two days later, and it's so sorry. And they called the third guy in line is basically what happened because they couldn't reach him. They couldn't reach him, so they get the next guy.

I had his cell phone. My house is in a dead spot. But anybody who knows me knows that I am very unreliable when it comes to calling me. Every time you think, wow, I left my cell phone at home. I feel naked without it. Yeah, not as naked as Gabe Lindstrom. So Gabe Lindstrom messed up.

They went to the Super Bowl. They won their first Super Bowl and he didn't get to go. And another part of the story is he gave me his cell phone, of course. The agent had that number. The agent tried that number several times, left several messages.

I didn't have cell service unless I walked out into my backyard and stood in this certain spot. This is early cell phone. And of course you didn't do it. But I rarely, I hate the phone. I rarely use it. So I never went out there. I never got that message.

Had I gotten it, of course I would have called immediately. So I feel bad. Who would you call? Gabe. He had his fucking cell phone. How are you going to call him? His girlfriend had a phone. Who left a message after all the other messages?

You know what I would have done? I would have driven to Disneyland and went and got him. I know there's only 250,000 people in it. Can you page Gabe? He might have a job. Put it this way. Had I got that message, I would have found a way to reach him. I would have

given him that message. No, no. You probably, as a prick, would have shown up in all your fucking patriots wearing his clothes and kicked awful punts through the whole Super Bowl.

You'd be shanking them. Like me throwing out the first pitch. You'd have been shanking punts behind you. For all anyone knows, that may have happened. No one knows who the Patriots punter was in the 2002 Super Bowl. They went to the Super Bowl

and he did not get picked up. That was the downfall of his life. It was all downhill from there. I've seen him accidentally smile once or twice. No, I don't think you did. It might have been a fake smile. But, yeah, he's rehabbing well. For the record. A decade later.

Gabe is doing very well now. Yep. But he did, after that, he did go play preseason for the Seahawks. He went to NFL Europe again. He was a special teams player of the year once or twice over for the Rhineland Jew killers or something. I don't know. The final nail in the coffin, at least in my opinion,

you'd have to ask Gabe to verify, was when he got the contract with the Cardinals. It was the very last thing. And the contract was nullified by the Cardinals doctor who said he was too high a risk given the fact that he had those fractures in his back. Oh, I thought it was diabetes. No, no, no. It was a fracture in the back.

Oh, all right. Which was healed. It was loosely linked to his diabetes that he even got that fracture in the first place. I guess it does something to your bones. I don't know. Either way. Either way. Either way. It's a sad ending to what might be the beginning or the end of this podcast,

depending how it's edited. I listened to a lot of stories on XM Sirius Radio today of comics broadcasting live from Just for Laughs. And I love comics and I miss them. But you know what? The fucking people next door have great fucking stories too and sometimes better than oh I

had to share a hotel room with this guy that's it alright that was the wrap up of Nurse Betty this podcast brought to you by my shit on my website. Go buy something or go to iTunes. I don't know how this shit works.

We're in Bisbee, Arizona. I don't know what podcast this will go into because this is just a death pool addendum, an update on the most current death pool news with the death poolers from the Stanhope's. What's our team called? Doug Stanhope. Oh, it's Stanhope's Bisbee Death Merchants.

Death Merchants. That's the one. You know, I looked at a lot of the names of the other teams site-wide, and they're way more creative. So we might have to get a new name. Absolutely. Yeah, we don't have a funny name. You picked it.

I punted. This is Joby right next to me. He's the guy who put this whole idea together to get the site that does all the... Is it aggregation? Would that be the right word? Sure. Fuck.

See? Melissa Holden? Like, 30 seconds in, I drop aggregation. What do you got there? Things that create synergy. That's fantastic. All right. Betty's here.

Sounds like by the sound of the dogs in the background, Betty's here. That'll be later or on another podcast. It doesn't matter. It's our world. Chad Shank is here. I am indeed. Recently leaped matter. It's our world. Chad Shank is here. I am indeed. Recently leaped into second place in the death pool. Controversial score.

Yeah, very controversial. Very controversial. We'll talk about that. And, of course, Melissa Holden here. Should we bleep out your name? Do you have ambitions for your future in office? No, I don't. All right.

Also known as Biz BB. Biz BB, yes. Chad Shank is just Chad Shank in our league. HD family. Death merchants. I don't hide behind anonymity. Right on. Right on.

Well, your last name is Shank. Come on. Well, yeah, we want to do some updates because it's mid-year. It's slow season for pushing this on new people because, yeah, if you're starting a league now, you can do it. But, yeah, you're kind of fucking late in the game. But, you know, Melissa Holden has broken so many records just of our personal death pool playing years.

Absolutely. Now that we've gone pro online. First one to break 300 points. Highest number of hits. You got nine hits out of 20, which is amazing. For those who don't know how death pool works, go to Doug Stanoff, celebritydeathpool.com, or just the acronym, which is dscPool.com, or just the acronym, which is DSCDP.com, and read the rules.

But basically, at the beginning of the year, you pick 20 people you think are going to die. You get 100 points per kill, less their age. So you pick 90-year-old people. You get less points, more kills. year old people you get less points more kills you melissa have as of mid-year nine out of your 20 picks are dead which is phenomenal i think i won last year with five deaths five or six five or six you have nine out of 20 and but you're still not the leader site-wide. There is someone that just overtook you recently. Not in our pool. You're still

kicking the shit out of everyone in this pool. But Chad Shanks, right on your heels. He's got a six-year-old or something. I've got a few prospects. Well, here's the fucked up thing. Let's get to this right away. There's a lot of people. One of these, a recent death.

What's the name? Talia Castellano. What's her backstory? All right. Her backstory is she's basically famous for being sick and doing YouTube makeup videos. And she was an honorary cover girl because she has cancer and she's terminal. And Ellen DeGeneres brings her on the show and makes her this big

yeah, who looked the poor girl with cancer in the eye liner? Absolutely. So we made the rule after. It was too late. It was approved site-wide on Death Pool and then we thought you know what, you can't be famous just for dying.

Already you can't have... For being sick. You can't be famous for having an illness. Yeah, we already have the rule you can't be on death row. Exactly. So this is the same kind of thing. There was a chick singer that my manager, Brian Hennigan, couldn't wait to tell me about

because she was trying to make a number one hit out of some Nat King Cole song or something in England before she died of breast cancer. And I go, yeah, I want to, but it's kind of cheating because she's only famous for dying of breast cancer. But this one had already been approved, so it's like the steroid years of Death Pool. Anyone who had...

Talia Castellano and broke a record or anything on it is going to have a little asterisk next to their record. Yeah, in the Death Pool Hall of Fame. You were on steroids. How shameful. Yes. So he's catching up on you. But the guy that's winning had her.

So you don't have an asterisk next to your name. You did it without steroids. To promote Celebrity Death Pool, this is a sport chicks can win at. Even World Poker Tour. Right. Chicks can't even win at that. Yeah, the whole, what's it called? The poker thing.

World Series of Poker. World Series of Poker. Yeah. Chicks fail. Death pool. Oh, we have a monster and she has a vagina. And I could probably beat you up. Probably.

But probably the only way I could get a boner at my age. But I digress. Let's get to some stats. Hang on. I have notes. I have a yellow legal pad. And we've got our brilliant web group that designed the website.

Mark and Gina are in the corner and they're going to be, you know, fielding us on all this. Yeah, this feels like an actual show now. We have Shawnee producing, making sure we don't fuck up the mics. We have two people on laptops. This is the most produced drunk I've ever gotten.

We have an audience. Shannon. Shannon behind us is our audience. Yep, and a Death Pool member. She was in first place for a while, and we're like, who the fuck is shannon she had minnie mccready that yeah always thank you dr drew another dr drew killed did you hear the dr drew podcast where i thanked him for having so many people die so i don't have to follow pop culture so much to do this well.

I wanted to, site-wide, because we glad hand each other and pat each other on the back or give each other the finger. But site-wide, we went through some numbers. Paul, Welke, I'm just going to use, I know Paul Welke. He's the guy that's number one. He's a filthy Canadian. He's technically number one and number two. He's technically number one and number two. And he's going to have a little asterisk. Because he's – yeah, well, he's in two different pools with the same picks.

So, yeah. So he's number one with 369 points. Again, a record. You, Biz BB, Melissa Holden, 353. Someone called Sauce, Saucem. Like awesome with a sauce. Hey. Nice.

Saucem is at 332. Burger, 293. Sossum is at 332 Berger 293 And our own Chad Shank is in 5th Sightwide with 287 points Nice, I did not know that Sightwide

I'm in with the big leaguers My rookie year With an asterisk Yeah It's going to be right there I'm more proud of an asterisk. Yeah. But it's going to be right there next year. I'm more proud of that asterisk than anything else. Okay.

Fair enough. I'm the exception that created the rule. There should be some kind of a notation for the Dr. Drew hits, too, I think. I don't know if those are totally. Well, if the show was going on, we'd probably definitely have that rule. Probably, definitely. Probably, definitely. Yeah. But, yeah, that show is over. So those are the top players.

The top leagues, and again, this makes me realize how shitty our league name is. We're number one. Explain how the league rankings work. Mark, you want to come over here and explain? You've got to come up to the mic. Come here. No, you can't hear. Explain the math to the folks real quick on the rank.

The very simple math is it's hits per person in the league. So it's an average number of hits per person. That's why we're leading because she's got nine fucking hits. Nobody has that. So if you have like 40 people in your league and

someone else has five people, it still boils down to the amount of kills per person. Absolutely. It plays upon the skill of the players within the league. Like you, nine people out of 20. Astonishing. At any point that you get a tie in that average, then we go on the number of points you got in those hits. The first part of this season,

they really had some slipshod fashion of deciding how to rank the leagues. But then they hired a mathematician behind a 7-11 with a sign. The second team, the second place team site-wide is Necronicon. Necronicon. Necronicon. Necromonicon. Necromonicon. That's a team.

I can't even say it, but it's cooler than our fucking name. Ready, set, die is number three. That's a cool name. I like that. That's Welkies. Oh, that's Welkies. Yeah, you fucking canuck. Lesbian vomit, number four.

Well, it's not imaginative. Well, it's it's edgy but imaginative well it's yeah lesbian vomit how often do you picture lesbian vomit how often do i picture lesbian vomit it's probably they're probably a plethora of websites devoted to that fetish you go yeah as your, as my IT person, you look up lesbian vomit porn and see how many hits, how many Google and then in fifth place, the Stanhope stragglers. You're people that we

don't trust enough to actually gamble with. All lumped into one. That's the thing. You gotta do the gambling shit on your own. We just do all the fucking paperwork. Right. So, yeah, Stan Hope's stragglers. And I suck shit in that one.

I think I'm in seventh place in my own where I put my A picks. I think I only had one kill, which was Thatcher in my secondary picks. Yeah, he's in, like, 30th place or something like that. Yeah, it stinks. So, yeah, congrats to you. Oh, wait, yeah, okay. We did the players, the teams. Oh, we're going to do the top ten picks site-wide.

Only two of the top ten picks have died. Exactly, this year. Total site-wide of all the picks. Number one is... Two of the top ten picks have died. Exactly, this year. And number one. Total site-wide of all the picks. Number one is. Wait, wait, wait. I want to. You just got here, Melissa Holden.

Who had more picks? Chavez or Lohan? Site-wide. People that picked them. It's hard because obviously it should be Chavez, but they're your fans. Exactly. And it's a lot of their first time playing.

If you looked at our picks from our first year, yeah, it was any idiot who, oh, he smoked cigarettes, he'll probably die. That Barack Obama, I saw a photo of him with a cigarette in his mouth. Well, in fairness, last year was my first year, and I did pick her. So there.

Well, I mocked everyone who picked Amy Winehouse. I hit her and ended up, you know, that was the OD and the solo pick in the whole nine yards, I think. Top 10 picks site-wide from 10 going down.

Kirk Douglas, 10th most popular pick. Still a solid pick. Yeah, yeah. I get one of those, I didn't know he was still alive. He didn't make my cut, but I had him on the list. He looks like hell. Well, I decided, because again, with us, we get into a pissing match about who has the most random, obscure guy that no one else would have found. So I go, well, I'm going to take one.

To me, there were five that you go, one of these guys is going to die. But I'm going to pick one. I'm not going to go with all. Kirk Douglas, Thatcher number nine. She's dead. She was on my last year list. Got rid of her. Died right in my face to rub it in.

Me too. Everybody, I thought, I was surprised at this, DeWilco Johnson from Game of Thrones. I think it came out in the news so close to the end of the year. Right when you had to make your pick. And the headline was that he wasn't seeking

treatment. Right. I'm gonna die, says Wilco Johnson. Whenever I see anything hit HuffPo, I just know that it's not gonna be a solo pick anymore and it's over. You just made this fucking Death Pool podcast so alternative.

Just by saying HuffPo. Jesus Christ. Way to go. Sorry. Zsa Zsa Gabor is at number 10, 9, 8, 7. For three points or something? But she's the one. I think she's always going to be number one.

She's only at seven. Nelson Mandela was one that now. He's the one. I think she's always going to be number one. She's only at seven. Nelson Mandela was one that now. He's getting better. He's getting better. At 95, he's improving. Yeah, he twitched. Oh, yeah. As opposed to being in a coma like he was for a little while.

He was one of the five. Castro is next. He was one of the ones that. Lohan is at number four. See, I really thought everyone's picking Lohan. No one's doing research. Lohan is... She probably has a publicist that gives her fake coke

and says, do this in a public place, because otherwise people don't really know what the fuck you do. Can you hit a pole and then just swish your mouth out with some alcohol-based something? It's worked.

Otherwise, we can't get you in the trades at all. Ali? Ali, I had him last year. He was definitely dead and then got better like Mandela. He twitched a lot. He twitched quite a bit.

Still twitching? Still. He's out there shaking hands when he's just trying to high five. Bush, H.W., the first Bush. He was, again, because he was in the hospital. And, of course, number one, Hugo Chavez. And, yeah, that was the Hugo Chavez. And yeah, that was the top ten.

So just two out of the top ten. Only two. And this is July, late July. Is it August yet? Low-hanging fruit doesn't always fall, people. Absolutely. So actually, I have a question about how the homes are ranked. So let's say somebody got ten picks,

but they're all 95 or so. Would they still be ahead of me in our home just because they have more hits? What do you say, Mark? Are you paying attention? In home ranking, that seems like that would be so. That's how it is.

It's about your skill, the skill of the player to choose. It's about the skill of the skill of the player to choose. It's about the skill of the player being able to choose who's going to die. Wouldn't it suck to have a perfect season and not win? You just get a lot of 95-year-old people, but one fucking asshole with an asterisk, gets a newborn royal baby with the SIDS and the fucking brain tumor. It dies

right out of the womb. So the royal fetus and now George are two different picks. The royal fetus is now out of the database obviously. People that do have it, it doesn't apply anymore and then now Prince George is

in the database. Hang on. Betty's whispering. I'll be watching that baby's health closely for the rest of this. Oh yeah, go make a drink. You're next. I don't have to worry about that.

Alright. Good deaths. Did anyone have Tony Soprano? No. No one had. James Gandolfini. Dennis Farina, too. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. He just died. No one had him. There was one guy that requested to have him in the database. I accepted that. He put him on his watch list, left him on his watch list, and that was the closest that anyone got. So pull people off your watch list.

Well, I always look for fat people, and they're hard to find. Everyone that was fat, even like John Goodman, dropped as I'm looking for fatties that age. Oh, he just dropped 70 pounds. Didn't think Tony Soprano. But you don't really think of him as fat. He's just giant. And he did a lot of coke.

I've got two guys over 700 pounds on my current list. And that's fat. So you don't think James Gandolfini is going to die of being a fat guy before those guys. Did you hear what he ate that day? No, I didn't hear what he ate that day, and you don't have a mic. Just to name drop, Neil Hamburger. Fuck, I forget what place is he in. I think he's in like 11.

He's got 108 points. Yeah, he's doing well. 11. Yeah, Ari Shaffir and Jim Jeffries, they were in last year, but they didn't. I think Jim Jeffries because he had a fucking kid. Now he doesn't. Now it's not so funny to play Death Pool anymore because I created life. You're queer.

It's always good to start a fucking beef. He has a podcast people listen to. Ari Shaffir, I don't know if we forgot to call. Pocket Monkey John Tuller, he's on the board. But the three hashtag zeros, I think this is Shawcroft, Lynn Shawcroft's second year in a row of zero kills. A fucking year and a half goose egg. Carlos Valencia goose egg.

And he toured with us. He knows how to do research. Evidently not. And JT Habersat, nothing. Oh, yeah. JT's tanking. Yeah. That's right.

What did I write down? Oh, just there was a couple other. I didn't write a lot down. A couple of the funny team names. Bobby Barnett's corn shoot. You have to be a fan, Melissa, to understand that. You don't even like me. True.

And one, two, fuck you. Yes, kind of. Yes. Again, you might say it's unimaginative. It alliterates well. One, two, fuck you. Yeah, it's kind of, yes, again, you might say it's unimaginative. It alliterates well. One, two, fuck you. I like it. I like the fucking creativity. Yeah, we're

going to have some new rules for 2014. Start getting your team together. We're going to try to make it more cost effective where it works. And a lot of people that start teams and then they don't have no friends, I know what you feel like.

You're going to find a home for them. Yep. Yeah, so, yeah, we're working this out. But it's a lot of fun. That's it. Any picks for next year that people should keep out, like, obvious picks? You know, I haven't started too much this year. I've got mostly what I've got is obscure stuff right now.

I haven't looked at anything obvious yet. At some point, the strategy becomes, though, obvious is going to be a good strategy. At what point does Zsa Zsa Gabor, everybody says, oh, everybody's going to pick her, and then you get her as a solo pick. Absolutely. Like, we just talked about Sam Son, co-creator of The Simpsons, and he's got colon cancer and six months to live.

He might make it to 2014. Shit, I didn't even know that. If he does make it to 2014, he should be top of the list of early hits. Absolutely. Yeah, at this point, if I hear someone's dying, I go, well, fuck. It's wasted. That's something you look at.

Well, how's he doing in December? A lot of these people have Twitter feeds like Ryan Buell. Everyone that did research has Ryan Buell. He's on some ghost hunter show. What's it called? Paranormal activities. I follow him on Twitter. He's on some ghost hunter show. What's it called? Paranormal activities. I follow him on Twitter. Yeah, well he's always

up with people. Everything's great. He's probably, you know, has these wispy piano fingers that brittle that are tapping at the keyboard when he says it. I'm gonna beat it. But he ain't dead yet. So was Robin Gibbs.

You have Ryan Buell, don't you? Yes, I do. You don't follow it the same way I do because you're not weird, but do you have any prospects that you think are going to give you even more points in the future that you think are going to go down? Because I'm looking right now, and I've only got a couple that I think are probably going to die this year. The rest of mine are looking pretty good.

Some have bounced back. That's always really sad when they're doing better. Or like when I'm like... It's always really sad when they're doing better. Or I have a vegetable and they just decided to transfer him. It's like he's been a vegetable for a year and a half. I know he's a Danish prince, but enough is enough. Well, that's Ariel Sharon, is it,

that's been in a coma for fucking 100 years? Uh-huh. Does anyone in this room have someone on their death pool list that they'll actually be really sad when they celebrate that death? Like, Ralphie May's a friend of mine. But I'd still, like, I'd laugh going, ha-ha, you knew for years. Before death pool was, when we were actually doing it,

we'd do comic Death Pool sitting around the bar. Like, what comic do you think is going to die next? And Ralphie's always in your top five because he's fat as shit. But he'd be at the table when you go, you fat fuck. So it would be funny kind of if he died.'d still be sad but like tony soprano you don't want like that guy is fucking great i and i i hated even updating on twitter like oh he was worth this many points yeah that's yeah it's a rough one i don't know if i have anyone on my list that i would be sad. Last year I had Tim Curry

as a wild card. I love Tim Curry. His music, his best of Tim Curry album would be in my top five if I were on a desert island. I wouldn't listen to it because I hate music. But if I had, well

if you're on a desert island, that's kind of the rule. You get five albums. I was going to say, I don't want to hear your other four. Or a volleyball. I don't know how the rules work. Anyway, all right, that's a death pool update that will be attached to some podcast that ran short. Absolutely.

Just a reminder, you guys, it's still middle of the year. You can start a pool up until November. From now until November and that, it cuts off at that point. No new pools can start, you know, from November, I think, first, Day of the Dead. We will have a new site, a new pricing structure, a new whole format by the end of October so you can gear up over the holidays when you're sitting around with your family going, oh, I want these people dead. But if it was someone famous, who would I want dead? And then you can start building and we'll have it all ready for 2014. Get involved.

We want to hear your feedback. You can't win if you don't want to hear your feedback. You can't win if you don't want a celebrity to die. We need some kind of catchphrase. Bring us some competition. That's it. Oh yeah.

The pricing now is $6.66. It's pretty cool. Well, that's evil. Anyway, let's wrap this up. Get the fuck out. I hope you enjoyed this podcast and whatever one it was attached to like a leech to kill an extra 20 minutes.

And as always, we close it out with the Mattoid. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- All right. I hope you enjoyed it. We have another fun episode coming out soon. As always, I am sponsored by me. So go buy tickets to my show or buy a DVD or a CD or go get a download at DougStanhope.com. or go get a download at DougStanhope.com. You've been listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, recorded live at the Funhouse in Bisbee, Arizona,

with Doug Stanhope, Betty Lindstrom, Jason Lindstrom, Esquire, and Chad Shank. Engineered by Shawnee. Produced by me, Greg Shaley. Celebrity Death Pool segment also included Joby and Melissa Holden. Opening music by Miska Shubali. Party time by The Mattoys. Both available on iTunes. Check out Doug's upcoming live dates at DougStanhope.com. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you at the merch table. Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more.

Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Here we go! Party time, yeah! Party time, yeah! Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, party time, hey! Party time, yeah!

Party time!