The Doug Stanhope Podcast - The Pepperoni Stick Dilemma

Episode Date: August 16, 2026

Doug and Andy catch up on everything from Derrick and Kenny stories to phishing scams, comedy business ideas, monster cereal, breakfast tacos, liver failure, terrible childhood memories + end with a round of The Dead Game If you're 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code STANHOPE at https://inda.shop/STANHOPE  #indacloudpod

Even, like, diluted to the point where you kind of see that blue thing that still leaves a bad taste in the drink, the blue on the rocks. Yeah, I want to leave that out. Like, there's some stuff that you can't leave out for the homeless at Safeway. There's our own little tiny slab city behind Safeway. Out in the brush, I didn't know it existed forever here. Yeah, bring that. First of all, on the rocks. I used to promote you for free, but you changed the label,

and the label was the coolest part. I'm sorry, I don't have an example of the old label here, but just know that the new one sucks. Anyway, there's a little tiny slab city, and I will leave stuff out for the homeless before. Like, if it's something the homeless could use, and I always think of the homeless like naked and afraid, like, I'm already,

kind of like that. So if I was out there, yeah, so Bingo's going to throw away, all right, this gets psychotic, but Bingo is going to throw away some slim fast.

Jugs, a fucking slim fast. I'm like, well, you know, that's nutrition. You fucking watch naked and afraid. Yeah,

yeah, but I don't know. Yeah, you can live off a salamander for two days. Yeah, oh yeah, what is slim fast?

Is that fat? Is that a peanut or just to make you lose? Oh, it's like, it's like all the shit you need without the stuff you don't I thought it was a weight loss yeah it's like one shake a day in the morning one shake a day at night and the fucking

yeah well there was also there was a beef pepperoni stick in there and I had a moral dilemma I was like well don't tell me to set this stuff out but I could use a pepperoni stick but I walked away and left a pepperoni stick for well that makes it like lickum sticks remember those

They dip the thing into the powder. Well, now they can dip the fucking pepperoni stick into the Slim Fast and lick it off. It's a SunFast spoon or a pepperoni stick, depending on the amount of moisture on it. I want to see the guy who just right now found that bag of two jugs of Slim Fast and a pepperoni steak. And I'm going to go, you just, you looked in the bag and walked away. I am a culinary genius. This is what you could have done. It's like a show.

case already picked that. Oh, wait, no. I'm turning down that slim fast. I don't need that. Oh, but there's a beef stick. Oh, not turn turn to that. Uh, Johnny meat sticks. Yeah. Speaking of meat sticks, the boys are at it again sword fighting with their fucking limp fallice eye. Oh, the, fallacy. Oh, the, fallacy. Phyllis. The, uh, I use, I don't live in family. Fally. I don't live in Vizby. or do I have any close friends or family, but we're living rent free in your head, man. I like to check in on Derek and Kenny. They're like a couple of brothers that I don't stay in touch with.

And I get to hear about their butt fuckery, buffoonery. I'm not if you're a black for something else. Whatever you call it. Oh, shit. What about my mic? I'm pretty sure buffockery is not the right word, but they're, they, they're, they're, they're, they, I see them as life partners, uh, that they're not gay probably, but they just kind of keep their, like two logs floating down the same river.

And, and, and you think that, oh, well, that logs way ahead of that log, surely it'll break free. And then you see them, they're just stuck in the mud, both together. Uh, uh, and that's how I see them, like a Bert and Ernie life, life partners, a couple of, uh, you know, defused in cells. So I always, that's one of my first questions always is, you know, what's up? And thank you for not sending Derek to pick me up. And then I'll say, so what's Derek been up to?

And he's been, hey, hang on, hang on, you said that, thank, but have you ever had to ride with Kenny? I'd ride with Derek a thousand times more than fucking. Sometimes just being in a car with Kenny feels like he's driving. driving. But I think I rode with that tandem and we got there early and we stopped at a casino

and I got to watch. Kenny and Derek, you know, it's like the most feeble gambling you can witness, you know. And then the conversations. I got some gas money. Every time we have one of them on the podcast,

they leave it as a cliffhanger for the other. like he he didn't tell you about the time and then we have to have the and at some point it feels like it's too much where you go we can't just have Kenny or Derek but then I think

yeah we could because I think if I were a listener and we just did that I would just be compelled forever and I'm not against doing that like at some point yeah, change is going to happen. And I'm not against just watching

Derek and Kenny get old and die. Well, I think you got one or the other. They're both in their 50s now. Well, I mean, but that, they're 50, but in our folks generation, they would be 89 years old with the current word. I don't know. Both health-wise, just,

I mean, Kenny's obviously, well, I don't know. Kenny's active. Kenny, yeah, Kenny's always burning calories. Right. I'd say that both had, you know, regular maintenance along the way. They'd both be in better shape. But I'd say Kenny, because Derek took a header through a windshield. Oh, who was telling me that, oh, I think the Australians were saying how Derek was going on

about how he'd whoop. in a fight because look at my arms four times the size of his arms. I would always bet on it. Don't worry, they weren't making funny of you when they told me about it. I'm making fun of you

because of them their re-trow. The coward of the county say he, I, I would never want to fight a guy like Kenny because Kenny's got monkey arms. He's got

wiky long arm. He does, he does he's not a fighter at all. Yeah, but if you get inside and punch him, he'd cry. But he doesn't want to fight. He's like over the 20 years, especially obviously when you're younger, you're more It feels like Derek, Derek, if, I mean, you know, and I would, if I were in a life and death struggle with either of them, I would, like Derek, I would just keep convincing we weren't

really fighting until he was dead. I think I'd have the advantage. No, man. No. No, I didn't punch you. You punched me until he was done. But Kenny's a wild card. Kenny's a guy that would swing a punch like this.

You've seen it on YouTube where he'd swing a punch and miss and then immediately turn around to do this before the guy even started swinging back because he missed so wildly. Oh, yeah, that's how you survive a beating. I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight. Well, you did until you just...

That's what my brother, Jeff and I'll go punch him in a in his face on his deathbed, but he would always, we'd have these boxing matches. They weren't, they weren't regulated. Some, some kid that would come over, Kirk Paskew, pimple face, would ring our Fisher Price bell on the schoolhouse. And then me and my brother would basically, it was bare knuckle, but we had on Queensbury rules. We had on mitts that we got for Christmas. So I would get, and that's why I don't like the dolphins, because my brother had the dolphins,

and I think I had the giants. But he, we weren't supposed to punch in the face, but that's how the fight would end with several punches to the face, that he would hit me in the face, and then I would go, rules are done and start swinging wildly, and then he would ball out and quit. Like, I didn't mean to hit you, brother, and I love you. It's like, fuck you do, you know.

I'm going to punch in your fucking face on your deathbed. If that's what it could, if I have to wait that, and I doubt I'd get invited in there anyway. But I definitely that was the bullshit. He was two and a half years older and he would punch me in the face and then he would get afraid. He's afraid because of my fury. And then I would have to shut my fury down so I never got to fully realize what it was like to whop the shit out of him like he deserved. Tell we played basketball.

And then I did that. I beat his ass in basketball. Like we played once. He would always beat and he talked shit. So I don't, I like losing. whatever but I don't like when so many eggs eggs and he could always talk shit and then one day we had a really fucked up court it was like a it was a dunkable but there was like a post with nails like why didn't we somebody take the nails out we had a pose with nails underneath the basket

so you go dunk and you'd have to kind of work around that but Jeff just got me pissed off and I was like I'm gonna fucking throw down on you every time and I was hung over and pissed off and I threw him up in into the post like four or five times, like throughout the game. He was broke. Wait, hang on. I don't understand basketball. The post is like, he posted up, but the actual. It was like a retired.

It was like an idiot basketball court where the basket was right here. And then one of the supports of the garage just had was right there. So if you go in for a dunk, you're all right. But if somebody tried to play defense on them, you could, it's like hockey. Did you play any kind of sports? Yeah. Like on the team? Yeah, I was in high school basketball and football and track and shit, but I...

Wait, that's a lot. And shit? So... Well, I didn't... I mean, I didn't... I did football and basketball in middle school to ninth grade, and then football. I quit my senior year or I quit or I got fired. We don't know. I think I quit. Did you choose your own position? That's a... No. Inside joke from the author thing.

Sorry. Had to be here. Yeah, no, this guy. This guy, fucking light switch. I actually, when I listened to his book on tape, and he said, yeah, when I played whatever, varsity high school football, I chose a position of wide receiver. And I'm like, first of all, no, he gets to choose their position. Anyway, so that's a callback.

Maybe we'll throw it in. I did. I did ban. The fact that you phrased. it that you chose wide receiver. I played one year of football, and he didn't choose your positions. What kind of school did you go to where it was all quarterbacks and no offensive line? That's the power of his mind.

He chooses what he's going to do. That they moved on his time. That in freshman football, you do get to pick your position. And that's where I started as a wide receiver. But then as a sophomore and beyond, there was less wide receiver being played. Who would choose Hunter? Hunter? The Waterboy?

That kid from Belgium. The student exchange kid. Yeah. Do you want to explain that whole day for the listener? Because you've mentioned it a couple of times. Oh, did I... All right, so... Let me get my green going here, and you could...

Let me explain a couple of scams. Let me explain a couple of scams. One, for years I've been getting invited to be on like a Chelsea Handler podcast or Burke Kreischer's podcast. Hi, I'm Tommy. How is it? Weirdly used two first English names. Like, I'm Tommy James or I'm Brian Fred. And we want you to be on Chelsea Handler's podcast.

I'm the manager. We love that you're. views on life and love whatever bullshit we'll pay you $3,000 please

and I've found out the scam is but this is like it's a well done scam where it's not a lot of bad English just in fact so a lot of young comics

fall for this wait I get an email you're refreshing look on what's going on in the world and so what they do is they try to we brought it to its hilt, you know, talking to one of these guys.

They get into your Facebook and then make you turn over, you know, when you said, oh, we can do this remotely out at the office thing. I'm like, hang on. The Australians are a fishing scam because it's what they do. They take over your fucking Facebook and then they take you off the fucking register. Then they own your Facebook. So that's why they're doing it to Where the fuck were we?

You're explaining the two types of email. So I would get millions of those. I have a folder of Facebook scam. And then at first I thought it was a scam, but it's people, we're on some publicists, plural lists of podcasts. So anytime someone's putting out a new book, they just blank it anyone who has a podcast,

interview opportunity. This girl wrote a children's book about pirates and you can interview her. This 10-year-old kid is talking about selling socks and fucking, I don't know. Might be a couple of different websites there. Kid socks. But I realized, wait, no, we're on a list now. At first I thought it was some kind of scam because I don't know. But I'm like, oh, wait. So we picked any given Friday. And Chad and I just had, we jammed in 15 of these things, like three hours. And we just basically like, you remember Stern would do Jack and Rod?

It was a fake radio show. And they would get people that are promoting whatever and then just fuck with them. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They just do sound effects or whatever. It wasn't the most clever. But we go, we could do something like that. But it ended up.

We couldn't fuck with any of them because it was like, like, that's so, well, I mean, we fucked with them to a point, but we didn't like just, except for one. When Derek and Bingo filled in, Doug Stanhope couldn't be here. That was almost. except it was funny. 20 years, who knows what jobs

are going to be taken away by AI and ultimately by robotics, which factor significantly in the plot of the book as the robots start to take over the blue-collar jobs along with the white-collar jobs. Well, yeah, James,

how much does it cost? The paperback that you have is 1499. The e-book is $499, but we'll be... E-book? It's a really hefty book. The Kind of book.

Oh. It's really hefty book. Yeah, unfortunately I got a little wordy. It got pretty. So I had to read it so many times in the last three months you have no idea. You've read the physical copy of this monster. It's really, really sick. Yeah, we added it quite a bit.

It's a little, I think the pages are a little bit bigger because the size of the book. What's your favorite part? I'm sorry? We've read it a bunch of times. What's your favorite part? Have you read it? Have you read it? Many, many times. Oh. What's it about?

I'm not the publisher. Oh, oh. Well, what is your favorite part? It was hard to be in the room like it was at that council meeting with the open mic. It was that kind of difficult. But we were fucking. and just all four of us, me and Chad and... Doug Stanove, he's not here.

You're an author and... And the guy was, like... He was with it, like, he was like... IndyCloud. Make it last as long as possible. With IndyCloud, IndyCloud has everything you need to keep the good vibes going. It's only August.

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I put extra water. I water down my zero calorie THC sodas with alcohol. So I get the best of both times, both worlds. I should have written my own. If I'm going to riff, I should pre-write my rift. Riffing. That's not riffing at all if you wrote it down. All INC intoCloud products are federally legal THC. Everything sold as DEA certified and lab tested. If you're 21 or older, go to indecloud.co, that's dot CO, not dot com, and use

code stand hope for 30% off your first subscription order. That's indeclod.co. Code stand hope for 30% off. Ship shipped routinely and discreetly to your door plus free gives some qualifying orders out. The order fill up the survey and say, Doug Stannup upset you. Enjoy responsibly a thank you in the cloud. I meant to correct this because people, I think when when Derek's not here and we fill in and I think people think, oh, we're making fun of him, that's how he's, it's like what, you know, that's the impression of there. It's not, we're not slurring him. That's just how he. Oh, no, no, don't worry. You're technically my co-house.

but he's been here more than you. The folks know him. Yeah. Unless they're just tuning in for you, going, we'll bring back to the show of the Andy. Yeah, and I'm saying, produce it. I's going to, uh, podium from our... And then talk to two out of four.

I do, sometimes I do like, uh, I can make my own white noise. When I'm one-on-one with Derek, I was like, oh, yeah, talked about camping, but then if you press me more, I just like, I know, it paid it out into ocean sounds. Just, wait a minute, man, you're breaking down this. You're starting with, yeah, I like camp and it's not a, it's not going anywhere, man. I don't want to get into detail, but when he said,

Do I need to talk to her one on one. And I'm like, that's creepy. And then someone else said, well, he had some girlfriend issues. And that's why I wanted to talk to this lady one on one. And he's like, no, he wants someone to listen to his bullshit about all these girls. Like he just keeps talking about, like just these leading questions. I think I might be screen on her, Doug. No, no, no, no, before that, that's what he wants to get to.

Yeah, oh, yeah. But he'll just give you the bait question, I didn't sleep really good last night, because I got a text at four o'clock in the morning. Oh, shit, man. And he's like, oh, from who? Ugh. This girl I've been talking to.

And so, so what he's like, it's supposed to like take on somebody's, fucking pet watching, well, and I need to talk to you by yourself one on one without your husband. Like, that sounds creepy. Do you know that, Derek? That's okay. He was just wanted to talk about his girl problems. No, he wanted to make somebody listen. Like he says this stuff to me. I'll have him over for like breakfast. I'll call him up. Are you hungry? You want breakfast? I'm cooking myself. I'll cook double and get rid of food. And Yeah.

Oh, since I lost all the weight, all these girls are hitting on me. Did you want Parmesan cheese on your sandwich? Like, I completely ignore his, like, silly fucking, yeah. Maybe that they just ignored, ignored him completely when he was fat. So just saying, hello, Joe. No, it's one of those things. I used the example, like, the people, I was like, this is,

young kid comic bit, but when you have a wedding ring on, that's what the cliche is. Yeah, once you put this on, chicks are all over you. Like, where were you when I was single? No, no, they, you just notice now that you're married. Like, uh, she was looking at me from across a bar. She's like, fuck, like, if I didn't have this, that girl, she's staring at me. I'd fuck the shit on her. But once you get this, and then she goes to the bathroom, fucking, comes back, you realize however the bit went. She's looking at the TV over your head. Like, hey, so you're staring at me.

I wasn't staring at you. And then her boyfriend, what are you talking to my girlfriend for? Did you remember that? No, no, I do remember the bit. But I also was thinking of one of my roommates in college who would use that. He's just like, you know, he's staring at somebody. They happen to look back. And then he walks across, V-lines across.

It was never effective. We moved our operation to the, the red lion so we could have older targets and his thing still creeped them out. I said you're looking at me from across the street. We were at a fucking walk single. Yeah. I have cataracts. You got a room?

That was the thinking of red lion is there's a lot of old ladies here. They're perfect. They have lower their standards enough that this would be good. You should go do Tribble gigs. And by Triple, I mean, you should book them and call them Tribal gigs until you get a cease and desist from David Tribble. The last I heard was not in good hell. Yeah, I sent him money for a new year.

Now, he... Hey, someone lawyer out there, look into buying the rights. If Tribble would franchise out, and we could just book Triple Gigs that are called Triple Giggs so they don't die with them. That's a fucking genius idea. Yeah, I wonder, I know he had somebody else booking up for a while, but I wonder, yeah, I don't think they were using the name even Triple Gids. We could be bookers and talent scouts.

Mm-hmm. And fuck all this comedy. Then we'll get an island. We'll start shipping the people we want to party with. Hang on. We got, hey, never time listener, first time caller, bingo bingham. and I'm sorry, did you not know we were podcasting? No, I'm going to Jam, I just wanted to tell you.

All right, enjoy that. And hey, shout out to the Jam at the Bisbee Grand. We have never done a best of Bisbee, have we? Okay, thank you for calling in. Thank you. You're a third caller. Try again. Try again. Yeah, we've never done a best of Bisby.

We did that day drinking kind of... We... ...odding from the Wicistice to Salt. Yeah. Would have to go into the mind. This is as bad an idea as the farmer's market idea as how to shun yourself. Yeah, you say, if you say my favorite restaurant is this in a town this size, you just said how little you like, I hate the other seven restaurants. You can't pick a favorite.

favorite. Yeah, no, it bothers me a lot when you would drive down the breakfast, Bisbee Breakfast Company. Well, that's, they have nine locations all across the state. That's not unique to Bisbee anymore. They sold out. Sorry. Yeah, it's a, it's not a unique experience. And then morning, morning's cafe becomes a political statement. Do I support pedof? Oh, well, you know, I don't want to get too political here. Hey, it's walking distance to the house. How, Wendy, is separate an artist from his behavior. Okay, the art stands up. Yeah. Yeah, so they have terrible food, but it's close to me. You know what? The food is more of an issue of any kind of underhanded Epsteinish hijinks that the owner might have gotten into. I never made it a proper

bit. But when we were on the fucking road, those breakfast tacos, we got in Nashville, best ever. I'm like, yeah, okay, these tacos, it was during the height of the me-to-e eat things. I'm like, I bet half those fucking line cooks back there are on

fucking parole for something far more heinous than fucking shoving their hand up a waitress's skirt. And you're never going to not go for these breakfast tacos. I still remember how good those breakfast tacos were.

But that's what was the impetus to that idea. Like, yeah, when do you go, all right, yeah, that guy's a fucking knucklehead? That's what I call rapist knuckleheads. It sounded like someone else's act altogether. Being high just feels like doing someone's act altogether. That's it. You've shifted dimensions.

It's going to happen. I'm being more positive. That's going to get me there. HIV positive. I still get the fucking edge. They cut out the cancer. Yeah. Then you have cancer?

No. No. I might have cancer, but I haven't asked. Yeah. I'm pretty keen on these things. Yeah. You know that liver thing? Yeah, I got bad numbers.

Yeah, I, well... Bad numbers. I, uh, really bad. I went through liver failure with the, and it was like, and that's a bummer. It's like all itchy and shit and your skin's itch as fucking... Yeah, you should never be aware of your internal organs. I know, yeah. My spleen's kind of scratchy.

I don't know how long, how long I could sit there, itchy and liver failure and not go, wait, I've got a pistol. I don't need to... Itchy and liver failure is my favorite Andy Andrews album back when he did rock and roll in the 70s. Before I got unplugged. You're leaking brown fluids. I'm going to have to do a stand-up comedy without Andy, and it's going to be weird. It's going to be when like Seals and Crofts broke up. You know, the...

I've been saying I'm going to have to figure out how to get. get some garfunkel gigs yeah but that's the that's the difference that's what i was about to thank you we're on the same page we're both songwriters yeah oats yeah there's a disparity in the illusion that one is better than the other uh but seals and crofts there equals and i think we're like seals and crofts and i'll say this maybe a month ahead of time but Summer breeze makes me feel fine. Caught up in the jasmine of my mind. He caught me off guard with it.

That might have been keyboards. So what happened was Seals and Croft? They were fucking, I don't know. One of them just died, I think. One of them died. Sidcroft is a different croft altogether. Yeah, he's the one with them. Space monsters.

Sigman, the Sea Monster. And Johnny and Scott were friends. If we watched, and I do have the pajamas for both of us, if we watch Saturday morning cartoons or an actual Saturday morning. Now it's Joe Rubin. On Saturday morning, if we watched, because he could hook it up, yeah, we could sit on the couch in there and watch Saturday morning, like just our generation cartoons and eat, all right,

I'm not, I need, I need two pens and two pieces of paper. This sounds similar to the hospice. You know what, never mind. I'm going to take him at his word. I'm going to write down your favorite, the monster cereal, and you write down my favorite. You have to guess which is my favorite, and I'm going to guess which is your favorite monster cereal.

All right. Do you remember the three majors? Oh, yeah, yeah, the three majors. All right, well, all right. I'm going to. I already know yours, I think. I'm going to go... All right, all right.

Chocula. I went chocula on you. This is rock paper, scissors. You should have worked out the details on this can. If I'm only buying one. Did you go chocula on me? Yeah, yeah. Now I'm Frankenberry.

Okay. I always go chocula because the milk's better, you know. Later in the season, booberry milk's pretty good. Yeah, they don't make them like they used to. There's no powder in the box. at the end of the... Yeah, you can have monster cereals over there,

or are they just like... Panda berries. Fruit loops. That's as crazy as we go. Oh, fruit brute. It was the monster cereal. See, there's in some... And then there was a new monster introduced this year,

which I think was dismal failure. Yeah, it was a trans lady that was... Oh, man. The checker at Safeway, she was not trans. But you were like... I thought you were saying that was the new monster cereal. was the Safeway checker?

Like, wow, that would be very specific. Safeway deli, deli worker, trans. But she was like the perfect, awkward size of a female. You know, like, she was like. Oh, oh, that's right. We went to a different Safeway up in Vale, Arizona. Jennifer, she was WNBA failure. 6-3-ish.

Where you go? That's probably a dude. I can tell. No, no, I didn't feel any dude vibe. I felt like I could have gone pro if I hadn't have blown out my Achilles kicking that fucking cat. Yeah. She was unfriendly.

You know who she looked like? Who? Brian Hennegan's wife, if she was on some weird thing that made her into a stretch armstrong. Oh, yeah, yeah. Aubrey. She looked like, like if you stretched Aubrey. Yeah, like this. Yeah.

Fantastic. Into a wavy arm guy in front of a used car lot? and yeah she was like that in the apron which the apron you go well that makes it fuckable nothing's fuckable without uh lead time and uh yeah i've retired my i've retired from the game unless the earth does something fascinating i don't even envision yeah nature jack and i'm uh i feel like i'm 80 and i'm 60 but i'm ready for to, you know, it's like, well, my daughter was telling me about this lady who's hit in the face jogging with struck by lightning. And I've still, every couple of days I try to get a follow-up,

she got hit in the face. It's like, I was like, well, what a perfect way to go. And then my son-in-law, being a wise ass, said, no, we're going to keep you alive to inspire people, even if you're like, No, no, I mean, that would be perfect. You know, you're just out for a jog and not even a jog. You're just out for a walk and lightning hits you in the face. But it's like, no, I don't want to, that would be the worst fucking possible scenario is to wake up after that with no face and all your problems are a little bit worse because you don't have a face.

I would definitely be like that would, you know, the crack of the lightning, everything, you'd be like, oh, here we, you know, this is. It's like when your plane dips, you're like, I'm not ready to die, but here we go. That would, and then you wake up from the plane crash and the seat slots in your fucking face. Smell this and tell me if I had asparagus yesterday. Because I had fucking just like it goes out of a movie. I got up to piss on the fucking flight. And immediately when I have my fucking shrunken dick out and fucking long tails on my shirt,

like movie turbulent. my head is fucking hitting the thing, and I'm trying to piss. And I want to tell you what, United. You might think, yeah, oh, but he just status matched his way to fucking premium 1K. But I fucking cleaned up all of that fucking piss that went everywhere. Because my head is banging, they're making the announcement. Everyone stays seated in a buckle of your seatbelt. We're going to have to suspend.

I can't suspend a piss in mid-piss, which I actually could do. But I wasn't gun. Oh, man. And that takes it, that's like a, cutting the cheese halfway through and stopping. God down and fucking wiped up the seat, the floor, everything. Thank you. Yeah.

I'm, I'm pretty good in that situation. If I make a mess in a toilet, I feel responsible. But sometimes you got to just walk away. Your room here, which you always leave spotless. You have your own little house here. And I fucked it up and got shit. all over it but that's all right i spent a couple hours going to clean it in the little now you he wakes up at four in the morning and starts cleaning whatever i got up and i woke up at two

this morning but i had that 315 wake up so but yeah i wake up early and get filled with a sense of dread and then they go back to sleep for a couple hours it's weird because last time you were here it was summer, this inordinate summer in March. Yeah. And then it finally became kind of cool. So you'd be waking up in the 50s. It'd be less likely to go over.

What was Kenny said... Well, we asked Kenny about... Kenny's been blowing up my phone. He finally heard a podcast. I don't know. Seven years ago in my head, we did this podcast. and Kenny just heard it.

So now he's disputing everything Derek says, but I don't know what it was. I have no idea what would the fucking say? There was a, was that a written thing? Derek to Kenny, about the 10-foot rule. Oh, yeah, did I read this to you? Nine on the fuck. That's a different side of here.

You may not recognize. Kenny. It's like Michael Cohn, Trump's attorney, when you heard him on the, you know, oh, he seems like a reasonable. Oh, fucking fuck your face. fucking bitches. Kenny had texted me this just very,

uh, uh, just an empty calorie text about, I guess Derek wants to fight me, but he'd sent me a text and it didn't say anything. I go, well, neither does this text. I have no idea what you're talking about,

but anyway, so he just, I go, I basically said, I don't care because you're not saying anything. And you're baiting me like Derek does. Tell me more. No.

I think we need to get some NFL mittens and put these guys in a ring. He finally today, after he listened to the podcast where Derek talked shit about him, he forwarded me the text that he was talking about, Derek wanting to fight him. Please avoid being within five feet of me any time soon. And definitely don't text me. No more 10% 100% from now on. Now this is something.

Be careful. which side you walk up on because I can't see out of one eye. Don't ever tell them where we're going to attack. I know. If somebody tells me or I know about an opponent who wants to fight me that they can't see out of one eye, you can bet I'm firing the first round and it's coming from the direction you ain't seeing.

Okay, you do want to fight then. That's like a, it's like when you used to hand your friend a note to hand a girl to go, we go study. Like, you want to fight somebody, they should, you should just go tell them, send it through an intermediary or a text message. But I, if those two were squared off the fight, I'd root for both of them. Get a good one in, Derek. Yeah, well, here's the thing.

Punching the knot. Yeah, Kenny would have the confidence. even as he was losing, or he'd fake the confidence. So I'd kind of root for Kenny to actually win, except Kenny would take credit for it. It's like a crash-up derby or whatever. You go, well, look at that car's got a dent right there. That one looks like it's got a limp.

Andy didn't know about the ornamental hermit, much less the pictures that you photoshopped from actual, legitimate illustrations from that day and age decades ago, not decades, centuries, yeah. But then they had AI put a lump on all these heads of illustrations of 1600s, you know, those illustrations you see in Encyclopedia Britannica. Well, if you look up the person who invented the Merca,

Merkin. Merkin, it looks, he looks just like Kenny. He's very, he's got a very historical, like he's, he's lived lots of different lives and you wonder if any of them, rose above the others. It's like, no, not here again. No past life regressionist person has ever said, oh, I see you in a past life. You, you just kind of sat around on the couch a lot. You had a job where you put potatoes on the table.

but other than that. You were in love with a couple of people, but they never loved you back. Yeah, you didn't really know what love was. You just drank mead, not too excess, just enough to dull the pain. And you were a settler in the Old West, unfortunately, and Indian murdered you on day one.

Did you say it was a settler for much less? Yeah, that too. Cut that, down. Cut that just that part and show it as me and Andy's natural fucking back and forth. This happens all night long. If only you were the Doug and Andy Patreon level, maybe that's a way to solve the fucking mystery puzzle. Yeah. He's a different level of Patreon.

Doug and Andy only. You want your issues with Andy? Then you get Doug and Andy only. I don't know. I say we tear the whole. thing down. We go back and do comedy hospice

against their will. This is how... And then if anybody lives, we send them on a triple run. Oh my God. Well, first of all, the triple run is a brilliant idea. But, yeah, let's go back to that.

I just found out, make a wish foundation, kids, most of them live, like 91% live. Yeah. But that's another fucking podcast. That's the bucket executive level podcast. Do they have it for adult? Like they can talk about bucket lists, but make a wish. I've always wanted to go have a beer with Bert Kreisher.

We can make that. Comedy Hospice. Yeah. Yeah, that's what it's all about. But it's never getting legs because we're just waiting for someone on the outside to go, oh, I can see how to make this work. I can see what I do at it. I can see going, oh, Well, just like a roast, give me a few facts and figures, and he just smells it like a fucking hog finding truffles. Yeah, we'll just, we'll show up. But how do you make, how do you promote it? Who's the Jim McMahon of this WWF?

Is it you? Could it be you? Do you have faith in you? Have you given up hope? I say to you, turn on your life switch, make it happen. Don't give up hope. Give hope a flip.

Turn that power on with your money, with your wallet. Yeah, so send us $300. I really would like to, here's my end times plan. I just need an heiress. End times.

We're after hours. Well, yeah. End times is, you know, that's, and then you kick me. They called your last call a long time ago, faggett. kick a few people out. You're watching the sunrise going, oh, I'm going to need another bump.

I'm going to pull a double. I pour them out now. That's how I do drugs now. I pour it down the toilet when it doesn't have any taste. All right. Here we go. We're going to close on this. We're going to, and you're on the clock.

We have 10 seconds. And Mimsy is the arm. Arbiter of time. You have 10 seconds. We're going to name someone that we both knew. Okay. That is dead. All right. So you want to start? Oh, wait. What are we doing? You name some. Oh, name something. Yeah. The first one that goes past 10 seconds, it can't name someone that we both knew that was dead loses. Oh, fuck. Go first. All right. Whiskey girl. Oh, nowhere, man.

Russ Dunn. Oh, man. Matt. Backer. Mitch Hedberg. No, shit. Sean Ross. My mother.

Fuck. Oh, fucking, no, he just chopped the riots. Damn it. Putting him. Putting him wasn't. Putting him wasn't. I was going with him. Sorry, this is two times we've done it without really burning it.

I really wanted the championship is me against Chaley. Chaley, sober, cogent, remembers every fucking thing. So I want to go, and we've only done it with Bingo, who, like, couldn't think I, I think I opened with Whiskey Girl and she couldn't even come up with Nowhere, Dan. Who'd she say? John Denver was where she swat out. I was going with the fucking... But nowhere man didn't do comedy.

What was the black guy with the kidneys? Floyd... Floyd J. Phillips. Phillips, yes. I don't know why that... The Jays for genius. Jillian question. All right.

So, yeah, I think Chaley's ducking me? Yeah, get on the message. Ford, challenge Chaley. It's a Chaley challenge. All right. I'm fucking thick with dead people. And let's not let you be won. Thanks for coming out to another Evergreen.