The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Throw Me on the Dead Wall

Episode Date: September 15, 2025

Following an eventful show in Phoenix, Doug and Andy meet up with Bingo in Tucson, get updated on the outcome of her undercarriage surgery, and share their own stories from the road. Bid on Stanhope's deep red sport coat now: https://www.ebay.com/itm/236327371603 Support the show - visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/STANHOPE and use code STANHOPE to get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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And we're live here, poolside. Yeah, we're live at Poolside. We're here for the breakfast championships, hotel breakfast championships. At the Tucson Airport Doubletree, and it's, I think, on their drive here, it's at 102. I was going to exaggerate with 109, but I'll go with 102, but that was early. So now it's probably closer to 100. And Alex said, is there any reason you want to film inside the room with a suite, a whole extra room? And I said, no, whatever you see, whatever you see, Felini, that's a great camera angle.

Besides the obvious air conditioner. I go, you're sure you're going to want that tinkling sound in the background? I'm going to film through it. Well, that's, you know that I told you recently, that's not a term I'm comfortable to trigger term. Oh, yeah. Tinkle. When I get...

You know, I worry about crinkling bags. Even when I'm not around you because of your crinkling bag thing. So now it just makes me mad at myself when I crinkle a bag

for you. Yeah. Well, but him with his fucking audio issues, but he wants to film through a goddamn... There's probably

a dead body floating in that... There's birds. I can hear birds chirping. Yeah. I'm real in since I rest. podcast to sleep too since i rescued those baby sparrows uh i'm really in tune with bird chirping i can hear them on a different frequency now that i'm gonna i'm gonna have to text i don't know my phone

oh and he doesn't have his phone either he lost his phone again did we cover this in our pool side chatter i don't think we mentioned the phone but i uh my phone isn't lost it was just misplaced and is coming back to me yeah yeah just like you're like you're like The Uber and the wallet and the ID. In lieu of birthday greetings, I'm only accepting Venmo wishes for my birthday tomorrow. 60 years big. Yeah, and I was a premature baby by two months, so I don't know if that does anything to the math. Not two months, but a month early.

I assume. Oh, you're a preemie baby? Yeah, I was putting an incubator for a month. uh it was kind of uh you should be put back in one yeah we we we ran into this guy uh in in dallas and uh he goes yeah i used to pitch independent league baseball and i pitched a game in bisbee and you heckled me and i went oh hang around we'll get a little footage of that from the green room and he was a little coked out and then the andy's smoking the reefer and he's got the little camera and Andy's got a lot of questions and I know he's blown out the audio because the

little cameras get the thing and we're on the other side of the room and we're all talking over each other and uh yeah whatever I I I oh I heckled him I guess I said uh yeah he got to pitch because he was the seventh caller to KBRP radio and he won the slot uh I guess we were announcing that game so we tried to get some footage with him and then and Andy, because that camera kept fucking dying, it goes off for whatever reason. I think Alex actually sets us up with piece of shit cameras, so to keep his job, like, I want to get the exact camera he's filming with and take it out, because the one we have just turns itself off every three to five minutes. And that's what happened.

That's why I lost my phone is, to finish up, I handed the coked up former Big Leaguer, Busby Big Leagues We were going to do a picture To close things out Neither Doug or me Remembered the picture being taken But the phone was gone Minutes later I knew my phone was gone

And Doug said it's in a bag You got it It couldn't have left the green room We had it in the green room And then just outside the green room door Andy starts flipping all of his shit And kicking things and fuck you And we're going to be late for our flight

Which we weren't going to be late We're going to be late for the three hours of free drinking at the Admirals Club. Besides wanting to Google almost, you know, there's a lot of things you'd just spend time going down tunnels, but not having my phone has been nice for a few days. And I think I'll go to Chicago without a phone because fuck it. I'm going to, could you announce? No, you travel. Just announce to the Whartle Group that I'm taking a break due to mental exhaustion of the tour.

and I can't come up with five letter words right now. I'm wearing this stupid jacket in 105 degrees because we're going to sell it on eBay. It's a groovy 70s. A burgundy almost? Is that a burgundy? It's a solid red. But I'm going to take it off because if we're going to sell this, you don't want me sweating through it. So you carry the podcast.

All right. Hey, if you're one of our sponsors, send us money. uh yeah i'll be uh i'll be 60 as of when i wake up tomorrow i'll be why are you wearing a a for a fort mustang shirt i get i get them for 50 cents at the thrift store and i leave them behind yeah burners it's nothing better than having a bag full a burner a burner bag oh yeah a bag is still marked four dollars from a thrift store and i'll fill that full of the remaining books you're going to stolen Bibles and I'll leave it behind

Bernard I had a pair of Australian undershorts that I got to jump in the water one time and had pretty good run without staining them up much I'm wearing the exact same thing I was swimming in in Phoenix a few hours ago

and it was bone dry yeah well like anyway I had to because I would have to take them home and clean them but it was like it's a lot a fucking, you know, crime scene looking in the back.

So I put them in the trash can. I kind of want to replace them. I'm going to go get online in order. Bingo's out of surgery now. Everything went fine, but she does suffer some bleeding. So I'd love to match

who's underpants or who's because just because they're Australian doesn't mean they're made for men. Yeah. No, I got them at a, yeah, it was just a little like a 7-Eleven. Did they, do Australian underpants come? They had the flag Australia on it. Are they cut for uncut?

No, there was no, they make no effort to make the balls comfortable in 7-Eleven underpants. I had a, oh, yeah, the, yeah, that pitcher guy. otherwise it was a pretty uneventful tour yeah i i'm pretty good like where were we like is that we're out two days and i was like where were we pitts baltimore pittsburgh baltimore pittsburgh dallas day drinking uh we sold a dozen stolen bibles and he was a fucking hero because they don't put bibles in most hotels now so by andy uh yeah i uh well i have a system and it's have we discussed this before

Andy's Bible stealing system where he goes in that's one of the great things about aging is especially as a white male white male privileged old man is they just trust you so Andy just walks into a room

did I leave my phone charger in here you just got to age past what people think of the crime you know the AE you know they don't expect older dudes now I'm an older dude you know like I can I'll get away with, yeah, I can literally shoot a man in the face and then say, oh, I forgot my, I forgot where my cane is.

Was that my Glock? But yeah, there is a certain, a given nobility to old white fellas that are crime and. I know, if I get to like elderly, elderly, like we're supposed to look, I'm going to pull so much shit. I'm going to have a walker. I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to cause a lot of problems. Yeah.

And then they're going to act like I'm feeble and help me create more problems. I, when I go in for, well, I'm not going in for a while on the C scans, but they would ask, are you able to get up and walk on your, you know, so it's like I'm on the phone. But yeah, yeah, I got that. But they really don't know based on what I am, what they see or whatever is. Are you able to, are you stuck in bed? Are you able to move? I'm calling it in support.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. The Ukrainians? No, bingo with cocktails. She's got the ice bucket. And, uh, oh, I think she's shitting blood. That's what she announced before we left that she was going to be.

Yeah. Your call has been forward. Hey, baby, I just got off the toilet, I swear to God. How bloody. Why? How bloody and how much stool? Oh, well, no blood, a lot of watermelon. No blood, a lot of watermelon.

Hey, can you bring down the vodka, the ice bucket, the open club soda, and the lemonade? Open, what? Yeah, I've got it all. Four things. Four things. I'm coming down. I'm just done.

All right. And grab a cup of that watermelon water. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, okay, I'm coming. All right, bye now. Bye. You know what? It's tough when cocktails are on the second floor.

Oh, especially. I mean, there's no way at this point either of us could get them without. We're real close to the pool. We're talking about revitalizing ourselves by jumping in it. Yeah, let's take all Alex's equipment with us. We're, uh... Hello, welcome to the dogs. We're broadcasting live from the bottom of the pool.

You sound like mush mouth. That's actually the opening of a Pablo Cruz song. Hey, hey, listeners, seventh caller right now that knows the Pablo Cruz song that... Hello, Pablo, I won't be able to make it tonight because I'm at the bottom of the pool. I go to Rio, De Janeiro, I'm a salsa fella

When my baby smiles at me The sunlight I have perfect pitch Except for these cigarettes Yeah Well Margo's gone So there needs to be another Yep I'd pour a little bit of this out from Margo

But I don't trust Bingo's going to be here Quick enough to refill it And Margo would never dump out a good drink Margo passed at 80s They posted it. She was 86th from life at 86. Perfect. Best guest ever, if you don't count James Inman, counting himself.

I think we might have already talked to it. It feels like we talked about this on a podcast. Yeah, well, I don't know. Yeah, well, she's still dead, so she's still relevant. But, yeah, she was a fun old gal. I'd love to hear her talk. And Inman's still alive. I don't know if he's going to show up.

We're thinking about billing him on the Kansas City show. I think we did talk about that. To benefit cancer. Yeah. And then when he doesn't know he's on the show, we'll say that he canceled because he spent all our cancer money on fentanyl. Yeah, we could say our regular show and to benefit cancer, we have James Inman on the show. Yeah. But that's it's not implying.

We're giving it money. Yeah, we're not giving it. It's just, it's a shout out to cancer. Yeah, yeah. It's a nod. It's a tip of the hat. Cancer just likes to hear its name mentioned. Ah, I just realized I had sunglasses.

This is perfect. Yeah. You with your fucking hood on lately. Well, that's what this Arizona, you got to cover your, you get the sunburn on your ears, and then you get the cancer and you got to walk, you know. Well, you have an umbrella. Oh, yeah, through. You've been talking about sweating through your sheets at night, and you go,

I think it's because I wear a hoodie to sleep when it's the middle of fucking August, the dog days of summer, as they call it. I feel like a baseball announcer and not a podcaster right now. Well, we're poolside, so there should be some sort of event like, you know, ring toss or

something. The laugh Olympics. Yeah, we could jump in the fountain like old school. Get me a go, bring me a lampshade so I could be the life of the party that jumps into the fucking fountain. umbrellas so we can be friends

I gotta watch the F words I'm dropping F bombs around small children oh look at they got a whole thing of floaties and they're selling them at the front desk suckers yeah yeah this free one people a lot of times people can't take their floaties

or leave them behind for others and uh bingo's probably pack it up a backpack with all those this is why I drink wine If I had a bottle of wine right now, it would need nothing else. I don't need an ice bucket. I don't need a mixer. I don't need a splash.

I don't need an alcohol, a booze bottle. I need that. All I need is that wine and then a paddle game. All I need is a miracle. Well, we did this in reverse order of how it would feel better. We did it. Well, we were supposed to do one yesterday. but the fucking Australians showed up, like, really late.

And I, I, I tried to lure them with a pool. We got a pool up there. They still showed up at, like, 15 minutes before we had to leave for the show. But I was talking about the show. We did a 520-seat room, a lot of energy. Oh, yeah. Hey, don't we, stand-up live is the best comedy club in the country. I would say so, man.

When I want to work out material, I think, where do I want to want to? go. I want to go to Stand Up Live in Phoenix. When I want to do my new special, I think of stand up live. Yeah, when I want to sell out Madison Square Garden, I think of Stand Up Live in Phoenix. They have this whole pre-roll before the show, and it starts with Rogan talking to someone else who's talking about how Stand Up Live is the greatest club, and then a million other people saying Stand Up Live is the greatest club. I'm not in there, and maybe I never said We said it last night I said it on stage last night

You know what? Stand Up Live is one of my favorite clubs in the country Can I get now? Can I get in that pre-roll? With the stand-up live backdrop. Come on in honey I tried to do it as a double two so they go oh man we don't have

two dudes you know if the Scalar brothers haven't done it chances are we could have stumbled it. Lou Nell did it on a flip phone and she made the pre-roll we didn't make the pre-roll We've been to a lot of like Magubis is a name brand club

That's a standalone I love Magubis And then we did the Pittsburgh improv Which the best part of that is it's not in Pittsburgh Because really Pittsburgh is a shit hole And I mean it's It's fun to look at When you're taking the Uber through town

Oh yeah But yeah it's definitely It wasn't what I expected I mean You can tell the mill closed Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It felt like I was in Milwaukee in the Dahmer neighborhood. That was the best compliment I get on this tour. I've never seen anyone shit on the Steelers and get away with it like you guys did. Yeah.

But that's because of Aaron Rogers, and they hate him too. So they took a beating. And then, yeah, and then we went to Dallas, and it's like all our least favorite football towns, I guess. Yeah, all we were missing is the Giants. but that's jersey anyway they don't even play in new york fucking frauds before this one started i was at a ross dress for less than they had NFL a Dallas cowboy jersey shirt for four bucks so I bought it and then me and Doug signed it and I told them that if you want your team to win you know buy this shirt it's $50 so I got a forty six dollar markup record of 12 Bibles I was very sold them all I'm so

I'm so proud of you. I was very blessed that day. Don't you give her a mic when she's making me a drink. Okay. Mr. Cockblock. You're no wingman. Oh, man, no. There you go, baby.

Thanks. And tonight we have a show in Tucson, a small club. I think it actually holds 120, but for some reason, years ago when I booked it, I said, well, let's just go with 80. I've never been in the room. a lot of clubs will tell you oh well we hold 200 people but they don't tell you

that half of that is obstructed view on another part of the bar because they're just used to some Mustang Sally band playing that you don't need to see so I just go let's just go 80 we don't need the money last night's crowd was there I mean that was a big crowd obviously you got to fiddle it seemed like people were sitting

real close together but I also notice there's not a lot of the regular fatties here but then it's like it's fucking hot in Phoenix so fatties would evaporate but we were in the merch booth we did photos with giants they were a fucking that was

a monster crew I'm like we really should start a cult or or a motorcycle gang where we just ride in the pace car up front we're not motorcycle yeah I had my cult like moment where I got a mouth

kiss by a lady that because of my cancer that was such a me too moment I mean I remember like being I remember a lady groping me at a merch booth early on in the CD days and then she grabbed my cock

and threw my pants at the merch booth and said oh I was expecting a lot more oh man yeah and I remember Bill Burr was talking about how many times he's been groped at a fucking merch booth back when all that kicked off and yeah that lady just jammed tongue down your mouth.

Yeah, I, uh, uh, well, I mean, there's no footage of it. Sir, did you want to be a guest on a podcast? Oh, not exactly. Uh, just trying to be polite. Hey, I don't walk through your gym when you're working out, man. That's the most son. Did you see that guy? He was fucking pasty.

Yeah. That's the first son he's seen this summer. uh anyway so yeah a record of 12 bibles we sold them all day drinking show wasn't sold out uh but what do you expect for noon the guy the manager said yeah i get the day drinking but why noon yeah like why not four well four is starting early for night drinking on a saturday i don't want to see any saturday night people noon i would like to do morning shows yeah oh yeah nice 9 a.m. or 10? I did a, in Phoenix when I lived there, there was a whatever fucking Clyde and Dale in the morning, whoever. And they were doing their 25th anniversary live at the improv. And it was like morning show hours, 6 to 10.

Yeah. And we're doing comedy there. You know, getting shit-faced on Bloody Mary's. There's no better drunk than a morning drunk. That's what you could have done a show this morning. And a lot of clubs would be like, oh, man that guy is too fucked up to be on stage but you that so morning i kept eating edibles uh because the australia's brought i assume it was them no i think i've been carrying those around for a while oh well thanks for i'm not a i like i like edibles but i're not my go-to so yeah and you're not a big sharer right you don't and they all melt together and i generally will eventually lose in fact on this trip you seemed uh less loving because usually like if i'm gonna sleep through breakfast which is rare i'll wake up and you'll have a bagel or some eggs and some bacon waiting for me

and you just let me sleep to breakfast every fucking day yeah well i i think that was when you're ill i wasn't ill till this morning when all those edibles i still don't think they're out of my system i was i woke up i took edibles what was it maybe 10 p.m that we went to bed 11 at the latest Bingo's bringing, bringing tissues. We pulled in, and Bingo was, like, statue-esque on top of her car in this, I think in this outfit that she says on right now. Yeah, Bingo was waiting for us here. Huh?

Pull away? Yeah, Bingo was, we said, hey, we're coming in, we're pulling in. She was at the hotel across the way because this bar was closed. I'll meet you over there. And then we get here and she doesn't know we're already checking in. So she's standing on top of her car like John Kusack with the boom box

and say anything. Standing, waving at traffic in general probably doesn't even know what car we're in or what we, car we even own. I thought you were getting on the bus to go pick up a car. So I was really waving at all the, I was going to wave at all the buses.

You know what I would have... We were standing on the roof of your car, which I don't even want to look for dents. If I would... No, there was no... If I would have... If I didn't know her and would have seen that, I would have thought it was the noid. The noid is back. The pizza noid.

The pizzaoid. Yeah, like, wow, this must be their new campaign. They're kicking off. I'll tell you, Jackie Trinca, who you know that I was in love with... Yes, I love Jackie. Yes, when I was a kid and she was a one-man band person. cranking out Lady and Red and whatever for people they would rather not hear music. And she was playing at a place, and I was smitten with her so badly.

And Aaron Gunnerk was a local Phoenix comic in the day back when I lived there. And he delivered pizza for Domino's, and he had a whole pizza-noid thing and dressed up like the pizza-noid. And so I had him deliver a dozen rows. in a pizza box in his domino's pizanoid outfit to Jackie

yeah on stage what yeah I was god damn I was like a great romantic oh man I was gonna say stalker in love with me

and then yeah then she heard on the radio when I went up to Alaska to be with her that I had fucked a midget in the upstairs of Chilcute Charlie's

while the DJ was given a play by play and that was the end of that No, I didn't fucking midget. I fucked a lady. And the midgets were doing the play-by-play. Sorry, different story. The midget was a Phoenix gal.

But no, the midgets were crept up on the stairs, watching me plook her on a bar stool and a closed bar above the DJ booth. At DJ Bob was getting relayed the messages of what was happening from the midgets who are right on the stairs next to the DJ booth. Hey, is everyone having a good time tonight? some of us are having a better time than others go doggie go and so he's doing these shoutouts and unfortunately jackie trinker heard that whole story oh it turns out she was the wife or fiance of an intern at the radio show so dj bob also was the morning show dj so he couldn't wait to tell all of anchorage yeah yeah and called him into the studio to make it even worse and I don't know

I just you know a lady's gonna let you you didn't need it a lot of flowers well Jackie Trinker hears this radio broadcast which she thinks for her couple I think she I think she was heartbroken

but you know she she takes it like an Abba song if you listen to Abba songs they're all like I'm sorry I couldn't take a punch I'll try harder next time they're very we tried our best but we're splitting up you fucked another lady is probably my fault

yeah we could have went to the ABBA museum in Stockholm Sweden it was just down from where we're at take your mic down remember oh yeah we got a note we got a note from across the yeah across the pond across the pond yeah they're struggling over there with the gear I think We're not live. I think we're... Yeah, it's overheating, probably. It's overheating is right. The equipment's overheating.

Huh. Should we take a moment and get in the pool? So after school, I take a dip in the pool, which is really off the wall. I got a color TV so I can see the Knicks playing basketball. Andy said he doesn't know the rapper's delight, and I find that hard to believe. He might just not know. I broke into the game with talking basketball, that was shit. Anyway, that was...

Anyways, it was in an Uber. Talking Larry Burden. We got in an Uber yesterday, and Andy says... Yeah, there's Waymo here. Waymo is the driverless taxi, the one you got in Phoenix. So we're in Phoenix, and Andy says, what do you think about those? And he goes, it's nothing but like, it's a vacuum cleaner on wheels. It's a Roomba.

And he goes, why would I take one of those? Who's going to help me put my bag in the trunk? And this is a fat slob that did not help us. We had like five bags of merch and equipment. He didn't get out of the car to help us with our bags. And I didn't say anything because Uber's, you know what, we should Google that. or just to you guys that are listening, Patreon, like when you, because I never give any Uber driver less than a five

because I don't know if they see what I give them before they give me something. And we count on them. If I have a three-star rating, they're going to cancel my fucking ride. So I never, but that guy, just on principle alone, not helping you with your bags. Mimsy's like loading heavy equipment

and this fat slob doesn't get out of his car and then bitches about Waymo Yeah It's already over for him And he didn't know it But yeah those things I didn't expect to see him here I thought it was more of a It was just in Frisco

No that bingo's the first one I've known They got a Waymo Her and Steve Drew went to Pink Floyd or Ween or some shit I can't remember what show It might have been wean How was you? your experience in a driverless automobile. It was just weird

giggling. Yeah. My question was going to be can we like can you sit in the driver's seat? Because Oh, that's good. Because we had six people. You don't want to put seven people in an Uber. Yeah, I don't think that's

Yeah, it's probably not. Yeah, if you don't have a driver, that's an extra seat. That's another benefit if you're going to load your own bags. it is a great question you know what this podcast is all about good questions with no answers

is it okay to tell them that you don't want music right off the bat which is really what we should do yeah because then they they'll slip into it I told eventually this guy was playing shit but it was like

teen music and eventually a lot of auto tune and a lot of a lot of cuss words yeah yeah bitches obscenities and f's and shs and the one thing i liked about that music was i knew i'd never hear any of the song cover again and uh i wouldn't have them ever memorized but it was i finally go i got to make some phone call if you mind shutting it down but all these drivers are usually like the people that are afraid of uh you know being taken away by ice and you know they don't listen to this shit so they profile you

when you get, it's the same as they do pre-show music and they're playing Huey Lewis and the news and that's what you think of my audience because they, you know. I love that. This is it. Yeah. When D.L.

Hughley is at the club, they're not playing classic rock or that's classic rock. That's milk toast rock. That's almost easy listening. Yeah. It was one of my early concerts. It's a bolton above easy listening. I didn't know how precarious my manhood was back then.

I was a big Brian Adams fan, and I got into Huey Lewis, and I was headed towards popness. Huey Lewis was one of my first celebrity spottings. He was just playing Blackjack at the Riviera when I was playing the comedy club there when I was a kid. I'm like, that's Huey Lewis, and we did a couple of laps. I used to have a bit about how, I've developed peripheral vision over the course of my career where I can tell a fan is crossing the street awkwardly and then moving back.

He's coming. Yeah, all right. That's a fan that's going to come say hi awkwardly, which I'm fine with. But the bit was about how I realized women are born with that. Like as soon as they're old enough to be in a bar, they see you coming a mile away. Where I thought I was smooth. And I was saying, oh, hey, is this? seat right next to you at an empty bar open because it's got good lighting I'm reading a book I read books do you read books like they saw my bullshit coming from a mile away and you can't go find them to apologize missed connection I think I well I definitely in early college or whatever when I was 21 going into the bars is I just found that it's like you that big you have about you go back to the bar where you get late but I I I I I

I did feel like hitting like a red lion on a Friday, Saturday. They have conferences and hook-cooking up with older gals. I was like that. It seemed to me like I did the math on it. And I wasn't getting the young beauties, but the old hags that were, you know, buy drinks and steak dinner. They had a room. Yeah, I don't know. That's in poor taste, but you do turn 60 tomorrow when we are flying to Chicago a day early

in case there's a problem with the flight. Yeah. Is that, hopefully that's part of a podcast. Fucking Derek was driving us up. And I almost said something about, because Derek's a very good driver because he was in a horrible car accident. That's why he's all crippled and stuff. So he's very, but he was driving in the. left-hand lane too long people are passing on the right get the fuck over and in the left-hand lane there

was some giant hunk of metal it looked like maybe it was a bumper of some kind i don't know what it was but he hit it and blew out a tire between yeah when you were in surgery i didn't want to bother you with the news because i didn't know this yeah you were in surgery at the time and i had just donated blood and I had just texted I did a Instagram picture of me giving blood. Warning is a not

what do you call that as virtue signaling warning virtue signaling yes I donated blood I do it for the free karma three minutes after I posted that we're fucking on the side of the road in the desert between nothing

and nothing with a flat tire I talked. I think of some piece of metal. Yeah. Yeah. Basically. After I said, I, oh, I just donated blood for the good karma. Basically, that karma was all the, you had to offer up some blood or you were going to be killed that day.

You don't get to 60 without building up the knowledge bank. Oh, speaking of donating blood. That was a highlight of last night's show in Phoenix, stand up live, the best comedy club that I can't get in the pro. Tomo real of. And I never, we have a dirty deeds page for things like this. But this lady was special. She goes, hey, and this story is still so convoluted. I want you to give my husband his wedding band.

Like they had marriage, but she never got a wedding band for him. And she wanted me to hand him his wedding band. And I'm like, I'll just do this on stage. because by the time the show is over, I'll forget. So let me knock it out right off. But what sold it that I said yes is she said, I finally sold enough plasma so I could afford to get him his wedding band. And she's her joke.

She said, so it's not really a blood diamond, but it's a blood wedding band. You sold enough plasma. And they weren't like tweakery. Yeah, yeah. So you know. Did it, honey? Yeah, I borrowed a monster. I had a big setup.

They'll play it. Fuck. Garin King, where are you? Come up to the stage. Garin King. Is anyone moving? I can't see shit. Just yell out, yes, I'm on my way to the stage if you're here.

Oh, here. Get up here. Is there something that you're missing? Is there something you're missing? Come over here. There's nothing that you're missing. Hang on. Open it up. I don't look in your shit.

Yeah, that's a wedding band. Even though you've been married and your wife finally got you a fucking wedding band and emailed me. And say, can I make a thing of this? Thank you. Yeah, I don't know what to say either. I said to the staff, I said, I should have never opened that email. What's, how do you, how do you pronounce your name? Misha or Misha? Misha.

All right, Misha, I don't know wherever you are, stand up and I don't hug them. I'm not going to belabor this. But I will tell you this. The only reason I do this, because I don't care for, I don't even, I hate marriage as an institution. She should know that. You should know that.

The only reason that I said this is okay to do is she said, when we got married, she didn't have enough money. She said, I finally sold enough plasma to pay for this. I'm sure she has a lot of holes in her art. That was before she even started with the plasma. She said, I sold enough plasma.

Her joke, she said, so it's not really a blood diamond. But it's a blood bang. a blood band. So, thank you. Enjoy the show. Don't email me to do shit like that unless you have a fucking selling plasma type of story. Thank you, Misha.

I hope you, I enjoy the show. More of the pleasure you had to go back and do more plasma to get tickets to the show. Make it the perfect situation Yeah, I can't Well, I wouldn't donate blood Because I'm don't Traditionally I'm a coward around everything

But needles and But now they won't take my blood Even if I wanted to give it to them I was wondering about Derek They go do you want to give blood too They had an extra seat And he did not want to give blood And he's a guy that his life was saved

By people giving blood Well just I mean he could afford to lose some fluids Here and there And I also forget I got my, last time I went and I went to the wrong place at the wrong time to give blood and, yeah, usually

we steal all the snacks for football. You usually take your leather coat. Yeah, they usually have, yeah, it's almost basically what they bring to you on an airplane. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, whatever, Biskoff cookies and trail mix and chips

and this and that and I just, you know, while I'm on the table giving blood, bingo's filling up the backpack for football snacks but we were in this was a blood mobile it was in a wall green's parking lot so it was not it couldn't be subtle you know it was there you just saw it and decided to drop some blood no no i scheduled it because i'd scheduled it in douglas anyway i have allegedly too much iron in my blood your glass is cracked have you notice that don't don't Don't grab that with a fucking firm grip,

because it's got to crack straight down. My glass? Your glass. The one that's right in front of you? Oh, your drink cup. Yeah. See it? No.

Yeah, don't pick that up and grab it and donate blood. Oh, I see it right here. Yeah. Really? Oh, damn. It's like an evil eye. I'll be careful. I'll be careful.

All right, one more. Yeah, sure. One more. One more. Two shows and two shows. Chicago with Junior. I don't know how to do that one. I think maybe Junior

just will tell him to just do 10 and open I don't fucking know. We have a rhythm now and a third person ruins it, but we can't not have Junior in Chicago. Yes. Just like what can't? Do I host

the whole thing? I think I do. You know, they're off night so we can go long. That was the problem. with Cincinnati is we had two shows well when we were doing Friday Saturday with two shows and then trying to jam that many people into it what are you gonna do but it's yeah now now that we have our rhythm together or really fucked up which but we know how to deal with the fuckups the fuckups are the funniest part it's been it's been pretty clean.

Yeah, I think I'll just keep hosting and I'll just bring him up but we're just got to cut his time. I mean, he was filming a special without his knowledge. We will be releasing the Junior Stopka first ever Junior

Stopka special without his knowledge. That's reason enough to be on the Patreon. Welcome Jody Junkie to in on the joke. Superfan, deserved it. okay that's where it came to you from the you know the joke no no she asked hey i

i don't know i don't know if you have the email did i forge you the email she's like she's a junkie from australia that uh a uh a person of a transnational persuasion and uh she sucks sticks for money and she like like a spreadsheet how much did you she would have to suck to be on the top level of Patreon and I go, you know, when you put it in business terms, yes, you definitely deserve a free month

of the in on the joke level. But then also, the amount of dicks, it was almost like our time. Like, when you look at what we make on an hourly basis, it's ridiculous. And for her to say, oh,

I only make this much to suck a dick, let's suck another dick. How much time can it take? If it ever starts feeling like a job. Do what you love. Yeah, yeah. Hey, you didn't get those tits put in for nothing. You didn't get all that surgery to be a prude.

Stop being a piggy with the dicks. That's what I say. That's who was it. I heard this morning out in the dog was turned into, morphed into a old. old black blues man. Well, I've been doing that shit pussy bit as a closer too often. I get to learn a couple new bits. Oh, so you've been doing shit pussy?

No, I do blort. I do fear. I do. But I want to learn the spaceship from Glark. That's a deep track because that was from across the street, which was only out as audio and vinyl. So I want to learn a few. There's a couple of things on that.

I got to relearn. And I had to figure out where to do it. I wanted to ask Skank Fest, hey, would this be okay to do at Skank Fest? Because you have a million stages. I could do all... Rather than trying to segue them together, I could learn a new bit for each stage and do it there.

But I don't want to fucking sell them fucking day old bread. Is that wrong? I don't know. Maybe the next Skank Fest. don't know. But it seems like the perfect place to do that. It does kind of. I don't, yeah, I don't.

I think if something, you know... If I'm not relevant enough to be in the pre-roll of the goddamn stand-up live in my own state, maybe there was not enough people... I think it was last night where they had... I was like, didn't they, there's a portrait of Hedberg. There was an artist

that did, and I was like... The dead wall? Yeah, it was the dead wall. I didn't realize it. like, where's the love for Doug? And then I was like, oh, wait, these guys are all dead, Robin Williams, George, okay, so yeah. But there was a spot on the wall. Yeah, any comedy club that's listening, if you, almost every comedy club that has pictures of comics has the dead wall.

So they have the Patrice O'Neill and the Bob Saggett and the Headberg. Yeah, just throw me on the dead wall. I would, if I'm not up any, Anyway, just throw me on the dead wall. Yeah, it's good for a comeback tours. Yeah, I'm always reticent to do the, it's my last tour, even though you know it'll sell tickets. But every one of them feels like I mean it. Yeah, well, Louis Black just did his final tour.

Yeah. Till he's lonely or needs money. And it'll probably be the former and not the latter. Andy's going to have the, I have pancreatic cancer again. And then in small print, I think. I've been shit in blood like bingo. So let's, why don't you just show up? Oh, and yeah, Eugene Oregon, where we had a showbook there at the Olson Run Comedy Club.

And then Andy said, they want to add a second show the day before. And I go, I don't want to do two shows in Eugene. I don't have a, I've never really played there. We played a titty bar once with Arlo Stone and we're sitting in a jacuzzi. I don't remember. We did a two shows. We did a noon and a six in the evening show. Neither times are popular when a dude's on stage at a strip club.

Yeah, no time is popular. Unless it's closed. And you're doing blow afterwards with the staff. and then you still just want to see titties but uh so i don't so i say no i don't want to do a second show and andy's like well i went down there and they were like can you talk dug into doing another show we'll sell it out and i go what and then i just like because it's my town and i figured how about this and then uh we'll do andy anderson friends promote it about me with annie letterman and like five other comics and yeah so you're nobody's doing a long set we're not doing merch

and uh and uh and uh and i'll get a big boost for cancer locally uh but then then they then they then they's that i and he tells me oh the guy that wanted you to do two shows and you said though uh i'm doing andy and just in friends he wants to do two shows that night and i'm going we don't do two shows we learned our lesson in Cincinnati and uh but i'll promote the There's a few people who said, hey, I didn't get tickets in time for your Eugene show. I go, I'll find those people in my email, and email I'm back about the Andy Andrews and friends. And the one guy says, thanks very much for the heads up. I get tickets, obviously, for the late show.

And I go, what do you mean, late show? And I look up the comedy club. Tipped it off. Yeah. Yeah. And he's got us booked for two shows. Andy does. Annie and, Andy acts like he's on my side when I say.

They don't, oh, it's a club owner. Are you doing two shows? He's built for two shows. So what are you doing? He's going to do two short sets. I'm going to do new material, 10-minute sets. But my head is right there as big as Andy's on the billing. Oh, wow.

Yeah, that's up to them. It's like when we went to. When they did that the first time, I tried to get it corrected, and then they went back to it. At first he was upset. His picture wasn't on our show that we were. three shows is the next night I have to do my own show

with Andy Here's the reasoning is if Sondro and Nikki and Annie are all traveling there It'd be better money-wise If we did two rather than one I want to know whose fault this is

It's basically greed of the comedy Club wanting to do more shows And me not being able to say no to shit But he told me that he was saying no No I said no And Andy's like yeah well he says And I go, no, first of all, we don't do two shows

Because I'm going to be fucked up for one of them Like, one of them's going to suck if I do two shows It's either going to be the early show You'll be doing less time than you do on a regular night Yeah, I know, and I don't have to worry about setting you up Because I'm going up I'm going to call the club and say, hey, can we get them on for another show? Three on a Wednesday?

Yeah. Okay. I don't know even know how it's selling. No, No. No. This is like, well, the fact that I'm co-headlining build for both shows with Andy and Friends, this is like when we showed up in Daytona Beach. And it was it was Junior Stopka, Sean Rouse, and Andy Andres. And I just went out there for my birthday to watch this catastrophe happen. Three of the biggest fuck-ups in comedy with no management, no tour manager.

I show up. selling merch and it's just like the old issues with Andy's screen four headshots on a T-shirt and I'm one of them I'm not even on this tour. I came as a guest and you put me on the fucking T-shirt. So whose fault

do you think it is, Bingy? Okay. Ding-dong. That's it, yeah. Anyway, the shows will be fun. There'll be women so you'll get a perspective on what women think.

And it won't be so... I hope my asshole and vagina are healed by that date because I'm coming. Yeah, and congratulations. Bingo is very stressed about this surgery. If you haven't, I'm not going to describe it again. Go back a few episodes. But yeah, you were a bit panicked as anyone would be to have all your undercarriage rearranged.

And pretty much, it was like when I get hernia surgery, I expected, I was terrified. And it was fine. So no discomfort, really? Well, when I woke up, I started telling my mom, I'm like, where have I been? I'm like, Mom, they did not do surgery. And I was just like, where did they take me? I kept telling my mom, where did they take me?

Because there was nothing, no pain whatsoever. And I just kept asking my mom, where was I? I told her mother, if you remember, when she came out of her coma in 2016, she was out of the coma, but it was not cognizant whatsoever. So it was right after the election of 2016. So for eight days we filmed her saying, hey, who won the election? And every day, for the first seven days, she said, Hillary Clinton

and then I'd show her the front page headline and the eighth day I go guess guess who's the president who do you think got elected she goes you weren't fucking with me

she had that Marge Simpson voice from the trache you weren't fucking and I go oh god if I wasn't sitting on the side of the desert road with a flat tire with Derek I would have been at your bedside

when you came out of came out of your anesthesia and I would have just said, hey, who do you, who do you think? Yeah, no, you've been in a, you've been in a coma since 2016. Well, it's Queen Hillary. She's been our president for the last 12 years. But the entire time from waking up to this very second days later, not, no pain whatsoever. But you had to wear a diaper.

Yeah, yeah, I was bleeding. The surgeon finally called me, like, two or three days later, and I was like, are you an alien, a magician, a wizard? What the fuck are you, and what did you do to me? I feel fantastic, and she just started laughing so hard. We haven't heard her farts since we're waiting for the high-pitched farts. Everything's dangerous down there. No, I feel great.

Oh, that's right. You were afraid of pooping so bad. I know, well, don't eat. No. Go back to your eating disorder days and start throwing up meals. No, I feel amazing. Everything is great, great. Mimsy said that.

She said you were even better than normal. Yeah. My attitude, I'm great. Well, you cheated death. And I did also. Congratulations on your day surgeries. You can still see, you can still see where. where I donated blood.

Yeah. Yeah. So we both went through medical procedures that day. I kept flooding. There was a family feed on the text threads for bingo surgery. And I was chiming in with my medical procedure went better than expected. They say I'll be recovered because of my outstanding health. I'll probably be less than two weeks in recovery.

because they told her two weeks, I'll be less, which was, you know, when you had to put your arm up and put a bandage on it, it was less than two weeks. Guess what we did? What did you do? Me and mom and dad, we all forgot Kelly's birthday. And so... You scheduled your surgery on your little sister's birthday just to smite her.

Marsha, Marcia, Marcia. Kelly finally had to text, group text us all. I guess she kind of did a happy birthday to herself to her dogs. And mom kind of had to say, well, Amy needed me most, so I had to be there for her kind of thing. And we all felt so bad. Every year around her birthday, something comes up with Amy. Oh, yeah, we saw your sister came to the show.

We didn't, we didn't fuck her. Speaking of undercarriages. You didn't fuck up, Brooke? Really? Neither of us. Wait, wait. Oh, you know what? I just hung up in my house, that cardboard thing that had two holes, and you just wrote Brooke on it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Brooke came, and you both were there, and you found me. Oh, yeah, right, right. Oh, yeah, glory. And you guys just wrote Brooke on it. Like, we were going to, yeah, that she could jack us both off through glory. It's so gross, but I took it and I hung it up in my house. Yeah, well, it's still a valid offer.

It's worth 20 years together. and I always vacillate between which of your sisters I'd rather hose. I don't want, I have nothing to do it. Right now it's Brooke. Brooke, yeah, Brooke somehow took over the lead. Well, she does. She's unmarried and doesn't have a job.

Oh, she didn't have a shit herself story. Did we get that on tape? Every one of us has shit herself. No, I think we got it on tape. You're going to have to check the little camera. She was checking herself when she was working at the White House. and then we I go and then and then she just went right into several shit in herself stories. Check the little camera. I think we got, I think we got Brooke telling a story about pooping herself.

Anyway, you pooped your pants. Yes, I was at my friend's house and luckily he had the colorectal cancer and so his sphincter isn't like totally up to snuff. And the next so the next morning and I wake up. super early and I'm like oh my gosh I got a shit but everybody was still asleep and I'm like I'm gonna go downstairs and use bathroom down there because I don't know what noises are gonna come out and I was starting to go down the stairs and I'm like oh god it's not gonna happen and so by the time I got to the bathroom stuff was already starting to come out and and then I had to and then I had to go run an errand and go to the office in Portland

for a little bit and I came home and I was like I told my friend Willie I was like I'm sorry your house is fine but I I ship myself and then he was like oh that's fine I shipped myself in the middle of the night and had to take a shower I was like all right woohoo ha it doesn't feel good to be out of government for a minute and you can tell honest stories about pooping your own pants not the government sponsor pants I just had clip on Instagram and it was Mark Maren on someone's pod saying, yeah, every podcast I watch is just like white guys talking about shit in their pants. And then they cut to a, when they start talking about times they shit their pants and go,

no, we're doing it. And I thought, like, very vainly that they're talking about our podcast. Because we love shit in our pants. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what? This is a lady amongst many ladies that have talked about shit in their pants. So, Mark Marin, you know what? Be more inclusive with a gender.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. he's a hater yeah I filmed it yeah I filmed it on the little camera in Florida in Florida

no no that's when she did yeah but that's when Brooke wouldn't tell any stories because she worked at the White House oh yeah recently when we ran into her again she has lots of recent

recent yeah colitis okay yeah she was definitely filtering herself to keep her job and she got fired for it Okay.

That's a lesson. Yep. Tell your shit stories while they're relevant. Because someday nobody will even smell it. It's all going to go on your permanent record on this podcast. I think 3.30? Yeah, I think we're done a podcast. Yeah.

I think we're better done getting that pool while there's a limited number of people. And then. Yeah. Hopefully it's warm. But if it's. cold. I'm going to need to wake up. I've had three cocktails, and it's still four hours to show time. Four hours to show time? Yes. All right. The biggest show of the tour.

My favorite club in the world. Chicago, I don't know when this is going out, but yeah, upcoming dates I know is, uh, Vegas is the big one. There's still a few tickets left. Annie Letterman's on that. Andy Andrews and friends, plenty of tickets. Lots of show options. Eugene Oregon. You want a nooner? Tacoma, Spokane. Let me go. Keep going. Then we do Kansas City, Omaha, and Des Moines. Then we do Columbus Day Drinking Show on a Saturday.

The only time we do Saturday's day drinking. Then we go up to Bloomington, Indiana. Then we go to Fort Wayne, which I love that club. Then we go up into Detroit. grand rapids then midland michigan is the only michigan date that has tickets left then galard michigan that will be bobby from notes from the pen his he's getting out of after 12 and a half years of prison he's got to go right from doing time to doing time he's going to do a guest set and then after that we do Tulsa oklahoma city and then rochester albany uh syracuse and then hamper

in Connecticut, Hartford, Connecticut, day drinking show, Providence, Manchester, these are all sold out, the ones I'm saying now. Portland, Maine, Burlington, Tampa Bay. Then we go right to Tampa Bay,

day drinking show, and then a next day night drinking show. Jacksonville, Florida, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Skank Pest, and if I ever hear back from Billy Wayne Davis, we're going to close it out. one show in Anchorage in December.

So far, he's not gotten back to me in months with details, so at least we close on Skank Fest. Bingo will be there, and Andy will be there as long as they get us a room with two beds. Otherwise, you're fucked. I don't know, I've been pretty popular lately. I can probably scare up a room.

All right, that's it. do old school okay bye bye now yeah for okay bye now yeah for old time's sake okay bye bye now do it margot style okay bye bye okay bye now am i actually getting into a pod i wore makeup god love margot all right thanks for listening kids bye Tell me how cold it is. How is that? Perfect. Okay.

It's cold. Yeah, that's too cold. Yeah, that's too cold. Did you like my bag? Oh, I didn't notice. This is the bag I travel with, so I put the outfall in it. Perfect. I thought it looked good on camera.

All right, so Andy goes, he's traveling the coast of Oregon quite a bit just to get a... You know what they call it in AA, they call it Geographical Cures, where you just try to drive away from yourself, but there you are. But he's away from his wife. Yeah, I really like myself alone. And going to the coast, I've been staying,

I found this new beach called, well, Tillacum is what caught my eye. Tillcombe is the name of the killer whale that ate the lady's head, by the way, in that perfect closing. But if you're a single man traveling and the hotel says, till I come, it's like, yeah, it's funny enough.

And anyway, they were booked, and I stayed at this, other place. They're a very old, uptight couple, and they had a lot of rules, which I don't, you know, it's my place. I can smoke weed near the room. It says, you know, so I went down to the beach, smoked my weed according to what I told them. And I maybe had a puff or two in the room. And anyway, I checked out early, but I was talking to the lady about rebooking it. and then her husband comes downstairs they have a chat she comes back out and says you're not welcome here anymore because your room smells like marijuana and i go i'm a i'm battling cancer and that's the only way i can

eat but uh and i didn't smoke i didn't violate your rules uh at all so anyway that's one more place i got kicked out of uh to add to the list but i was bummed out i went into lincoln city It was nine in the morning. I saw a massage place opening up and an Asian woman putting out the sign. I've been tricked by- Do you know what kind of Asian, by the way? I think Bert Kreissel, that's one of his talents, is he can tell you what kind of Asian you are. I would get Japanese.

I think you dropped that bit, but not the other one. But it advertised like hot stones and such, so I thought, you know. It gives it an air of legitimacy. Yeah, and I like, I really wanted to, I mean, a legitimate massage, and then, you know, She shorted her time 15 minutes and asked if I wanted the, you know, I'm not a prude. Well, I'm not a prude or, I don't know, you know, you do your thing, you know. Yeah, the physiology of stress. It's like when somebody says, you know, here you can use that in your act.

I'm not going to tell her, well, you know, I don't know where it. It did seem like I had a nod. Well, you did get a good massage. Yeah, yeah. And then when it came, it's kind of like when you go to the airport and they say, would you like to make it a double for $4 more? And you go, well, yeah. So, yeah, she offered him the double.

The best part was that she was doing her frontal massage and then the ringer in front kept going off. So she'd have to, and I was like, oh, no, no, wait a minute. I'm having somebody else do the dirty work this time. And for $40, I got the whole stress of getting kicked out of a hotel for life behind me. it turns out till I come is further up the road yeah we should yeah we should just

brand this podcast as both a travel log under one name and in our comedy podcast under another because right in here these cocksuckers this is the second or third time we've run into it I've run into a hotel pantries they have a pantry yeah no we're only open

for breakfast, dinner, but during the day, you could get a fucking turkey croissant sandwich in a plastic box, but nothing has a price. So I'm like, well, that's why I would pick something is based on the price. Do you want me to go item by item? I go, okay, how much is this? How much is this? How much is this? So I just get the turkey sandwich, and I spent $13 fucking on this wet, wilted fucking turkey croissant sandwich it'd be fun to go down there like if we still had the man like the art

department to make one of those prices right to load the guy going up the ladder how much is a turkey sandwich well this is where we've got to get mimsy to make signs yeah in dfW we're debating hey all right we can get into the sky club the american airline sky club day pass for this much money would it be cheaper if we're only going to have the two or three drinks to go to TGI Fridays. TGI Fridays has their menu out front, no prices. They wouldn't put prices. And Andy asked, she goes, yeah, they know if they put their prices.

They go, they told it, let's like 80 bucks to get into the American Admirals Club. She goes, for that many drinks, go to the Admirals Club because we're way more expensive. And they won't put the price on the sign because no one would go in. And that's what they're doing here. They told me, oh, well, we're relabling or however they phrased it. Yeah. Reconnoitering the new prices. That was yesterday.

You know what? Your hotel prices were different yesterday than today based on whatever. And that's already on Expedia. Why can't you have your new prices out? Does it take that much? And I already told us, all right, I'm coming down with a pad of post-it notes. I'm going to price everything. you're not grifting customers anymore.

I said yesterday I paid $13 for a wet turkey sandwich. He goes, I know, sir, I was the one that rung you up. And you willingly agreed to that. That was her excuse for sellers. Would you accept the terms of this turkey sandwich? Like an airport, an expensive airport, 1099. You went above and beyond an airport. And, but because, yeah, yeah, we're re.

Let's just thinking to the lady He took so much pride And he said it was an award-winning Breakfast buffet Yeah Or some Some shitty breakfast buffet I go

This would be free to Hampton in And it's just that kind of garbage breakfast fuel She goes This is This breakfast has won awards Really A 2.5 star holiday

In Breakfast Buffet award for the hampies. French-like toast. Yeah, it's one thing to take pride in your job, but to taste stupid pride. Yeah, the Hampty Awards. And the toast, best in show. Hampton in the Bayes-Creech.

Oh, my God. All right, I'm almost done doing my under-laundry. Thank you.