The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Thunderbird Beach Resort Podcast #15

Episode Date: November 21, 2013

Post tour, Doug circles the wagons with the crew to have some cocktails and introduce Brian Hennigan. Recorded Nov 3, 2013 at the Thunderbird Beach Resort, Treasure Island, Florida with Doug Stanhope, Brian Hennigan, Bingo and Greg Chaille. Engineered and Edited by Greg Chaille. @gregchailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I kind of like the wind. We're broadcasting from the beach, so the, yeah. I dare you to do it on pool floats You knock over the canoe Bad things happen Where's that rumble come from? That's Chaley

That's me There we go Something was up with that other cable See, I told you it was a rumble I told you it was a cable Rumble in the cable. Well, it's all right by me. That's right.

Brian Hennigan from Jethro Tull. Oh, Stephen. Stephen. What's that? No idea. Cable guy. All right. Stephen.

Oh, Stephen. No, I hated that guy back then. I liked that. Cable guy. I loved that. I watched it, but I hated Jim Carrey so much back then. Oh, I liked that. Cable guy. I loved that. I watched it, but I hated Jim Carrey so much back then. Oh, I liked him. Back when you used to hate folks.

Just to hate. It just hated. You had a reason. I just thought it was stupid. So is your microphone being toasted or is it a different color on one side? This is an Amazon purchase. Uh-huh. And I believe it's...

Both of our microphones have... One part sat in the sun. Sat in the window of a showcase and someone said, get rid of those windscreens. Clean them all out. Put them on Amazon or something. Alright. I think we're... Yeah, it sounds as good as it's

going to get. I'm trying to blow it out because every now and then I hear myself where I'm like, hey, I'm the guy I hate on podcasts. I'm not talking about. Can we just turn down? That's you. Do you want to turn it down a little bit? No, I'm two. I'm two.

Oh, you're two. I don't know. You're the sound guy. Well, I can't hear what you're hearing. No, I want to know what I'm saying. Okay. How's that sound? That's good. I don't know what I'm saying. Okay. How's that sound? That's good.

I don't know what I'm... Yeah, that's... And it's the end of the tour. We should have just called it the whole thing Shit Town Tour. Somehow I felt some obligation to New England to not include them in the Shit Town Tour, even though, yeah, they're as shitty as any of the other places we played, for the most part. Burlington, Vermont was fantastic.

Huge thank you to everyone in Burlington. Really nice time. For the most part, every place else was shit. In the build-up, when we were booking the tour, you said you wanted to introduce Junior to the judgmental and unwelcoming audiences of New England. Check and check. Mission accomplished. Yeah, Junior doesn't usually have any problems. He was well-received, heckled more than most tours, but now I now i can barely hear you i'll turn this i

don't know if you're dropping off okay i'll give it a we're here with uh uh as always greg chaley uh the podcast never goes smoothly without him and uh brian hennigan hello now here's the uh i i've i've started referring to you b Brian, as my business partner, because people get confused on stage when I go, hey, my tour manager, Greg Chaley, who's wearing the similar weird suit and selling merch and doing every goddamn thing on the road. And they expect him to be uncut. But that's another thing. He mentions me in the beginning. And then later on, he says, you know, my manager, the uncut Scotsman. The filthy, uncut Scotsman.

And everyone looks in the back of the room at me standing at the merch booth going, oh, that's the uncut guy, huh? That's the filthy, and he's not even a Scotsman. So rather than confuse people, and it is accurate that you are my business partner, because unlike, I don't know if we've ever discussed this, business partner because unlike i don't know if we've ever discussed this but unlike other managers and hollywood uh belly suckers barnacles bottom feeders yes brian works for me and me alone and if that were the typical situation oh jesus would agents and managers have to fucking peddle yes but you'd also have to say that from your business, I work with you as opposed to for you. Right. So did I not say that?

You said for. No, that's what he's getting at. He explains it on stage. My point is when I have to refer to two different managers, then I find myself drunk and trying to break down the entire scheme of how industry works in the entertainment.

And then I forget the joke. Yeah. I can see how audiences get lost in that. So, yeah, you're my business partner, which you are. Yes. I just get a bigger cut. Let's put that down. You might have the huge uncut dick.

That's right. But I get the bigger percentage of the money. And a lot of people would uh flip a coin on what they'd prefer yeah some people would prefer the giant ugly uncut scottish cock but that's not what we're here to talk about yeah you were you were saying about junior and his reception in uh in new england yeah was saying that, but let's set up that we're sitting here in small pants on the beach in St. Petersburg after leaving the worst of the gigs in Binghamton. It wasn't that we're a bad crowd by any means.

It was just at the end of the most depressing tour of all time due to how it started, and we'll get to that on the next podcast or the one after that when we're home. But we left. We flew out of Syracuse after playing Binghamton, New York, in the most shitty, awful 51 degrees and driving rain and depression and brick. New England is every reason that I hate the UK. It's where I grew up. Sure, but as a matter of fact, you once talked about that touring New England was the ideal

preparation for going to the UK. Right, because I'm already that depressed and going, this is why I left here as soon as I was able to. But you had some sort of rose-tinted spectacles about, hey, New England, it's still like where you're from. And it was really nice. The first, except for the overriding problem at home, but it's October, so it's foliage. It's fucking gorgeous.

So, yeah, for the first week, it was nice weather. It was pretty and yellow leaves, but the gigs were... They can't take that color away from us. We still enjoyed it. Oh, yeah, no, it's absolutely... That's why we booked it in October. And you didn't get to see your brother. Got to see my brother.

My brother's wife did not come out. I think we covered that last podcast. Podcast number 12. Yes, she's a wonderful person, but still has some issues with my act and things I say and et cetera. It was a fine time and it was great to leave from that shitty, awful, it turned winter real quick. And now we flew down. We took two days before we went home to come down to one of my favorite places.

It took two days before we went home to come down to one of my favorite places. One in my top five day drinking places of all time is Treasure Island, which is a part of St. Pete in Florida. And it's all old school, like 1960s neon motor hotel. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like, yeah, the shit you're your grandpa. I say to my listening audience, my dad would take you to. The kind of place you'd pull up in a Chrysler Newport and the valet would bring you in for a porterhouse, 18-ounce porterhouse, and you'd get a Shirley Temple.

Well, I outgrew the Shirley Temple. I have spoken to some people on skype telling them like where i am and i still you feel very self-conscious and as all like where are you to go um treasure island it just sounds like i should be saying i'm a treasure island like you're camped out at disney world i know i know it's on sawyer island where are you you were talking about something uh in uh west hollywood that you go, I don't even tell people about it because it's the best kept secret. Yes, correct.

I have that benefit of all the shit I like, all this dumb kind of retro places that are still kept up, will never get popular. I could promote this. If I was whoever, a Vander Holyfield shaking hands at the front door of this motherfucker. No one's coming, and it's beautiful. That's true. That's true.

They'll have some dunce cap over there at 5 o'clock at the Tiki Bar, Ikiwu's Tiki Bar on the beach. He'll be playing Jimmy Buffett songs. We have a bet on if we can get out of here in 36 hours without hearing son of a son of a sailor. No way. By the way, it was very interesting last night. Halloween night.

Sunset. That trap door that shuts the front of Icky Woo Woo's little tiki bar there. Blocked us out of the second round of Mai Tais. It was Halloween night. Yeah. And it was about 8 o'clock.

Not a soul. I'm sure the other bars, there's like nine bars in walking distance. Yeah, but we went for breakfast this morning. They had no beer or champagne. It was Friday morning. Yeah, mimosas on the beach. I've only been working here two days, but they haven't had champagne or beer. To be fair, you did ask for a Sam Adams.

Okay. It's not like they ran out of beer, like there's no keg beer or anything. You're just high monkey monkey there with a Sam Adams in the bottle. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, if we can't exaggerate a little bit and say they were out of beer. Good grief. If we drop their name, then, yeah, we'd have to say, well, they weren't. But they don't know.

I think that guy did quit before the food arrived, though. They switched out our server. We've got to tell a story about the last time we were here before I forget. That's the whole reason we're doing this. Are you allowed to name check the Thunderbird Resort? Oh, the Thunderbird is fantastic, yes. Chaley used to live in Tampa, so somehow you knew this place. And we finished some tour down here, and came here for a day or two.

No, it was in 2005 when you did the improv, which was the last time you were going to do the improv. Because we moved over to rock and roll venues after that. We were down here with Brendan Walsh. It's really been eight years since that happened? Yeah. Good, because that gives Brendan Walsh. It's really been eight years since that happened? Good, because that gives Brendan Walsh an out on this story. He used to cause a lot more hijinks than he does now, and now he's

more stable. He's part of the firmament. Right. Walsh had his days. He's still got his days. Yeah. I know he'll hate this story. That's okay. Because he's one of his days yeah yeah yeah yeah but i i know he'll hate this story that's because he's one of those guys that regrets drunken stories immediately the next morning and then has another one that night like i this that was the most embarrassing it's not even funny

well we had we had done orlando improv and then the i believe the Tampa Improv, and then I think we had two days separate. Whatever it was. We wound up here. Well, I'm just setting it up. We were on a run together, and then we did a really shitty bar. No. We did a last call, like barnstorming. That's what it was.

We can do St. Pete. We just did Tampa, so we're not competing. Let's see what. It was MySpace days. No. I got to back up MySpace days. No. So – I got to back up a little bit, okay? We had done the improv in 2005.

In 2007, I believe that's when we did this because we did the brewery. Yeah, I know. I know it wasn't eight years. New World Brewery. Yes. And then we did that bar in Clearwater where Daryl Lennox showed up and you were playing in like banquet areas. It's too weird to try to explain this. It was MySpace days and we thought hey we

can do a 24 hour advance notice and sell whatever goddamn bar and whatever goddamn bar was not set up for comedy no it was set up for you know slouching vfw hall day drunks so it's a long narrow bar that has a stage at the end, but everyone's looking down a corridor basically to see you. When he says stage, think of this. An area. It's more like a bowling alley. It was very much like we were the pins.

At the end of the bar was truly an area that was a stage, but it wasn't because it was elevated. It was because it was circled in wrought iron about waist high. That was the stage area. So that could have been a cockfighting pit. Absolutely. And that's where you would probably tonight hear Jimmy Buffett covers of Son of a Son of a Sailor. So we do that show.

Veggie Burger. We have the night. We stay here. Yeah. We were going back and forth. Either way, let's cut to the end of a day off just like today and hope hopefully this day ends better we were we stayed the night here woke up it was sunday we're day drinking watching football at icky woo woo's tiki bar on the beach, part of the hotel by the pool. Couldn't really see the TV because of the sun.

Shit-faced. At some point towards sundown, day drinking all day. Nothing to lose. I have a jockstrap on because of my long ball situation, and I'm out here on the boardwalk here. It's the hotel, you know,, a boardwalk not a cement. Public access along the beach. Yeah, where ugly old women rollerblade.

If they were hot, maybe they'd have some tenants here in this hotel. So, and then the beach. So I'm there by the Ikiwus hiking my jockstrap up like front wedgie so the strap is right under my man tits

and my shorts are hung low. Hung low. And just goofing off and there's a guy out there, he's racing a dune buggy, like a remote controlled dune buggy. RCU. Hauling ass and I go, that's going to hit a kid.

There's going to be problems. We're having a lot of fun watching him. Finally, cops show up. And they're walking over. And I go, ooh, that guy's going to get in some trouble. Well, no. They were coming for me. Because someone who is tired of our antics at the Ikiwubu's Tiki Bar called the police and said,

I was exposing myself on the boardwalk with children present so these guys walk up thumbs in the belt they need to talk to you buddy and i'm shit-faced but i i know i haven't done anything you thought you were a witness well i thought maybe like if i was i brought my drink onto the actual boardwalk, then it was a drinking infraction. Or when Nick walked up to the RC thing, it was really funny because it was like, check this guy, he's going to get busted. And then they walked right by him and kept beelining towards us.

It was like, oh shit. Because we had calmed down a little bit. The sun had gone down. The game was over. We were just hanging out. We was you, Doug, and Brendan. And Bingo. And Bingo.

Yeah. And it was a laugh a minute type of thing for a while. And then we kind of cooled down. Evidently, we annoyed someone enough to say that I was in front of children. So the cops, that's all they know. And like anyone else, we're going to get this guy. Did they have that malevolent intent in them? You could tell they were planning on taking me to jail no matter what.

And I'm obviously drunk, but I'm staying here. Yeah, I'm a drunk patron. I'm drunk at my house for Christ's sake. You were on the property of the hotel the whole time. So they say, well, we we got reports that you're exposing yourself, and there's children in the area. And then I'm drunkenly trying to explain front wedgie. They pulled Doug away from us to go, we need to speak to you over here.

So now we're looking at each other going, well, what the fuck is this? to go, we need to speak to you over here. So now we're looking at each other going, well, what the fuck is this? And Doug is trying to explain his way out of something, at the same time not really understanding what he's being accused of right off the bat, and drunk, trying to explain wedgie. Very drunk.

Wedgie. And come on, man, this is just in good fun. So how long did it take you, Doug, to understand this was serious? Well, I understood it was serious as soon as a cop talks to me. I collapse around authority figures. But I knew I didn't do anything. But then when he mentioned children around, I'm like, oh, this is the classic divorce settlements.

I don't know how many times I've heard a friend or a story from a friend about a friend that's going through a divorce and all of a sudden he's being accused of touching a kid. It's a classic. Once you put kid in it, oh, you're fucked. And I'm like, yeah, I didn't do that.

And the only thing that saved me was Chaley was taking pictures of the whole thing as Chaley always does. So Chaley. Digital camera. Yeah. Says, tell your part. Oh, Doug motioned over to where we were standing, and then the cop came over, and he goes, is that your camera?

And I had it in my hand. I go, yeah. And he goes, can I see it? And I said, no. And he goes, well, I understand there might be some pictures on there that could kind of explain what was going on here. And I'm thinking, man, I could just give him this camera and let him look through there, but there was a problem.

There were pictures on the camera from the nights before that we didn't want to show to the police that involved brendan walsh this was in orlando we were at a kind of a lower end uh establishment hotel and uh we were real bored after the gig and really drunk and besides playing i don't think we were necessarily bored when you're that drunk you're not really bored well point being we were necessarily bored. When you're that drunk, you're not really bored. Point being. We weren't bored ever for very long. Not with Walsh back then.

And he ended up standing in the middle of the bed with the comforter and all the bedding thrown off and pissing. He was pissing his own bed on purpose. Standing up. Standing up. Pissing. So, J. Lee has all these pictures of Brendan Walsh pissing all over his own hotel bed. So Chaley has to get into a negotiation with the cops that want to see the pictures of me that will clear me, but he won't turn over the camera that would incriminate her friend.

Or just show some grown man pissing on a bed. Any bed. He's the best tour manager in the world. So I said, listen, I would love to show you these pictures, but I'll tell you what. I'm holding the camera the whole time, and I will go back until we are done. And that's it. And we went back, and never knowing exactly.

They agreed on that. It was a business negotiation. I didn't have to give them anything. I will hold the camera and I'll push the buttons. But I've got to be honest. I was a little nervous that maybe I miscounted how many photos I had taken. And I went back and I was hoping for maybe a sunset to break up the two incidents. But not really knowing if there was anything like that.

So they saw and they were convinced immediately? A hundred percent convinced that this was bullshit. We were fucking around on the beach and there was nothing in those photos. In fact, it actually explained the wedgie up above the shorts quite well. Yeah. So did the cops do the whole thing? You know how I can do this and disgust you? I can bloat out my belly so badly.

And that's what I was doing. He's got a talent for figuring out the grossest thing he can do with the crowd standing around. And with the jockstrap, it just elevates. It accentuated the bloat belly. And I've been able to do that since I was a kid, by the way. Well done. Did the cops find the perpetrator of the call? The guy that phoned in?

No, no. See, every time I've told this story, I go, some cunt. And I don't know why. I just assume it's a woman. That was the one thing that I was pissed off after the cop had left. And I was like, Jesus, this is bullshit. It's like, wait a minute. Someone called in a false report.

Shouldn't that be the concern of the cops? That should be. Someone lied to the police and wasted their time coming down here. If it were not for Greg Chaley taking those pictures, I very well could be a registered sex offender in Florida. And I think of all this bullshit. Anytime you go, that's why I always give someone some benefit of the doubt, as vilified as they are in a major media story.

Well, you know what? It might have just been some bullshit like, oh, there's a sex offender moving into your neighborhood. You know what? It might have been a drunk guy doing front wedgies for funny, and someone was an asshole. Because a lot of people get busted for bullshit when we kind of look back on it um brendan you and i uh there was one person that whole afternoon

that was not like engaged in either watching football having a cocktail or the wedging funness that we were having and that was that one older lady that was sitting doing work. No idea. Doing work at a table with a beautiful sunset and everything, and she's pecking away at a laptop. Yeah, crunching some spreadsheet. Guess who called the cops. Yeah, no shit.

All I remember other than that was winding up in a hot tub with some black girls and, well, yeah, all of us. And I don't remember how that went, but I know Brendan Walsh was very funny. That's all I remember. There was something about poo I remember. I thought there was a poop related thing. Something, which now I'm glad I forgot. Anyway, we'll get to Brian Hennigan.

forgot anyway we'll get to brian hennigan we're uh our plan is to do a pre-show post-show podcast just like others i think we've done and maybe aired or maybe didn't but uh yeah right now we're uh late afternoon cocktailing at uh quarter to three and we're gonna hit the uh tiki bar and uh come back and do part of this shit face. But let's set up some more Hennigan stories because Hennigan is a fascinating being. He's kind of legendary, kind of known as a cock, but so is Chaley if you have to deal with him for business. That's why I have you.

Yeah. I just go, don't pay me. It's okay. Oh, did you why I have you. Yeah. I just go, don't pay me. It's OK. Oh, did you take a bad beat? You didn't get the liquor sales you wanted. I'm sorry. Just take it out of my check.

So Hannigan, Hannigan brought me to Edinburgh back when he used to run a venue there. And I think he was the only honest dealer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland where you actually got paid and you knew how much coming in and I think those days have gone now I hear that that venue I used to run which was the Tron in the centre of Edinburgh

is just the same as everywhere else now as soon as I left the Parasites. Oh, yeah, yeah. The one legitimate venue over there. Wow. Well, it wasn't the venue. It was the guy running the venue.

Yeah, a stage doesn't pay you or decide the percentage. Yeah, I don't really know how that works. I just know that no one seems to make money when they go over there. Go ahead, Brian. You start. No, I'm just saying that it was... I ran the venue, and all I did was bring to it the knowledge I'd built up

in terms of business from my previous very normal, very corporate marketing jobs. You don't have a normal... If we go back... No, you started... You went to college in Japan? No, I went to college in... I went to university in Japan? No, I went to college in Scotland.

I went to university in Scotland. And then I went to... See how he slipped into American there when he said college? And he was copying me. No, but I had to do that because it means two different things. But I taught English in Japan. I taught English in China. Then I did a master's in Japanese.

And then all of which teed me up marvelously for being your manager. You have no idea the number of times I've had to slip into Japanese. That's one thing he's reticent to do. Occasionally he's

fluent in Japanese, so occasionally we can get him to show off when we go to sushi. Sushi bars. Because you want him to do that. You want to talk to the dishwasher or something? The last thing you expect is for him to break out into fluent Japanese, and it's funny. That's where I always feel cheated if I go to a sushi bar and they're not actually Japanese.

It's a form of, I don't know what you call it. It's a form of legitimate racism because it's like, no, you're Filipino or you're Chinese or something. Nicaraguan are the best. We were there when he tried to bust into Japanese at a sushi bar and they weren't Japanese. And they just stared at him. But he didn't even know. The cook is like pressing a button under the counter.

Hurry up, we need someone for you. Get the dishwasher up front, quick. They all know the first words like, you know, irishaymase or arigato or something. But then as soon as you sort of launch a sentence at them, it's quite clear that they're from Mexico. What do they yell right when you walk through the door? Irishaymase. Irishaymase. Irishaymase.

And you're right about that, the Nicaraguans. I have a friend of mine who was... I didn't mention Nicaraguans. No, you just said Mexico. But South America is where a lot... Central America. Central America. Okay, keep going.

You did go to college university. I read Smartphone Magazine. Keep going. A buddy of mine, he was a drummer in my band. He actually has a couple of sushi bars in Southern California now. Get ready. And he said that he always opens a restaurant with a Japanese guy

that is like, they're rock stars. They'll move from place to place. And you're never going to keep them long. They're DJs. They're the DJs of Japan. They cut fish. The sushi chef will come in, open your bar, and within months, someone has wooed him away with more money somewhere else.

And he goes, now I just hired Nicaraguan straight up. Just they're the ones coming in, and they're doing the rolls, and they learn real quick. And they are everyone. There's not a Japanese person in his two sushi bars. Well, getting a Japanese person is tough, because they're you know, they know

their worth in the marketplace. You can't call them Japs, but you can call Nicaraguans Nicos. I'm trying to develop Central American racist lingo, like Guats and Hondos and Nicos, because they're not yet established enough. But the numbers are increasing. Yeah, yeah. So we want to be ground floor on making the racial epithet for people.

Good looking people from Belize, Belisimos. Wow, very good. Wow, that was on the fly. You're throwing in a little twist on that. That's nice. I like that. So, and by the way, Brian is also, as I talk about in my act, he was the former international marketing person person for mccallan's

whiskey that's right so if i make reference to that in my act when i talk about papa vodka my sponsor yeah so yeah so yeah you had a storied history before you uh sure but the point is that uh i brought all of that nonsense to running stuff at the festival and uh having a normal what i would describe you might you might quibble but having a normal um marketing background is pretty i'm going to put it powerful in the so-called entertainment industry in terms of the skills you arrive with. Yeah, because everyone else is in it for ego. So they know scams and they know how to get over on you.

But just basic business acumen is not really something anyone... I've often said to comedians or artists of any type, if you want a manager, find somebody who's enthusiastic about the arts but who's very well accomplished in selling and marketing fish fingers. Because if they can market fish fingers, if they can market fish fingers, they can market fucking anything.

Don't be wowed by their tales of artists they've developed. Find somebody who's taken a product that's difficult to sell in a competing, competitive marketplace. Hire that guy. For what a lot of listeners might not know is agents in Hollywood are renowned for signing everyone. I won't mention Jamie Masada. Don't. No, don't mention him.

Yeah. don't uh don't mention him yeah there's just i mean like almost every manager i had had a million clients and most of the shit that i did i did on my own and they took credit for bud friedman to this day will say i discovered this guy are you i was fucking funny before you ever came around and you were like your whole product was you know a dead waste evening at the improv yeah that was kind of long dead and gone he invented brick walls didn't he for a minute yeah it was just like everything else in comedy it has a shelf life but i always hated the fact that other people would take credit for all their clients, you're not mentioning all the clients you have that are fucking starving and bussing tables down at Swingers on Melrose.

Which is a fine establishment. I still go there. They turn me on to green Tabasco. As much as I have a beef on Twitter, Tabasco sauce is awful. If you have a restaurant and you only have Tabasco sauce, have a sign that says, we don't have hot sauce

because it's fucking garbage. It's awful. But you're right. Green Tabasco is very nice. Why is it different? I know the taste is different, but I've never read the back. Is it jalapeno?

Yeah. Rather than... Vinegar? I don't know what... It's green. We're talking about McElhaney, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, back to Brian. Can we talk condiments later then? We'll get Rob Dukes on Skype. When does the pre-end? When does the pro start? We're at 30 minutes. All right. Okay.

I want to get one of your good stories out of you. Do we go China? No. Japan? Japan? I don't feel like it. You have the fucking story. I know.

I don't even remember about being lost at sea. Oh, that was the Philippines. Is that another podcast? Yeah. Brian's got stories. Well, should we have a couple cocktails and talk about the stories we should talk about? We could do that. Let's do that.

Pitch it to... Let's get the Philippines story about being lost at sea because we're at the beach. Okay. So the Philippines. All right. So sea because we're at the beach. Okay. So the Philippines. All right. So a friend of mine. Hold on. Wait.

Where was this in relation to you finishing college, university? This was I resigned from being a marketing person because my first null of being published. From McCallens? Yeah. No, no. No, no. Oh, yeah. We forget he also has published books. Oh yeah, we forget he also has published

books and yeah, we could do a lot of stuff with Hennigan. So we'll just do a few. So I was basically in this period of treading water when you're trying to find out how you're going to make money in the artsy-fartsy world. Yeah, like me now.

It's the world you belong in but you're still like, holy shit, I used to make so much money. Oh, no, that's not like me. Sorry, I thought we were alike. That's not like me. Okay, so what happened was a friend of mine, Anthony Brown,

who used to be the personal assistant to Boris Johnson, the mayor of London, and is an economist correspondent for the BBC. He's a high-flying fucker over in the UK. Anyway, he'd been on, he'd toured the Philippines

and said, oh, I found this great little village which if you ever get a chance to go there, it'd be a great place to go and write. And I got this commission from BBC

to write a play and I worked out it was like two and a half thousand pound and I thought, I could go to the Philippines and finish my novel with that. So I phoned him up and said, what was that place called?

And he said, it's called Port Barton on Palawan in the Philippines. And this was kind of at the, this is literally the millenniumium like building up to the turn of 2000 and i'd never and so the internet wasn't as omnipotent as it was as it is now 99 yeah but i i so i literally all i did was i just immediately booked to go there on on air fucking filipino how'd i get there i forget anyway um and then discovered everything as I went along. You were trying to drop a sponsor, weren't you? Anyway. No, I wasn't. That's cool.

Revenue stream. Anyway, so here's the thing. So on the way there, this is one of the little things that happened to me, is that I had to overnight in Manila and that's when I allowed myself to get picked up at the airport by, you come out of Manila and that's when um I allowed myself to get picked up at the airport by you come out of Manila airport and there are just people everywhere trying to get you to take their cabs yeah like

Costa Rica would be a microcosm exactly there's a million so it's like 11 30 at night it's completely black and you know you the good thing is if you've built up muscles you're you get to you get to understand just instinctively who's the right person to go with because i got in this cab and it took me down these back alleys and i thought i'm gonna get fucking knifed but as it turned out i was right it took it took me to this hotel but they took me to a hotel that is basically a hotel of prostitutes because they've just presumed i was wanting to go there because i was a single european male arriving in the middle of the night they also had a sense about who they were picking up. Exactly.

Yeah, they built up some muscles themselves. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, the point is this. The hotel was filled with nothing but aged men and younger Filipino women. I just wanted to go to bed so I could get up and go to my flight the next morning. Because, you know, as soon as you show that uncut fucking sausage, they're going to scream and run out and you're going to be arrested. They're professionals.

I think that, I saw that on Locked Up Abroad was the uncut guy going to a whorehouse and they're like, don't demean our women like this. Anyway, so around about 2.30 in the morning, I'm woken up and it's the fucking, it's the headboard of the bed

next to my bedroom is going against my wall. And I'm like, what? Wapata, wapata, wapata. It's like, Jesus, they're going for it. What the hell? And then I realize it's my headboard and that I'm not doing anything. And it's a 6.8 earthquake.

I get out of bed and I'm literally being thrown from one side of the room to the other while I'm standing up. I remember screaming, stop. Like, that would help. Wait, are you still thinking people are fucking? No, I remember just thinking, stop. So you're yelling to God? Yeah, I'm yelling to something. Stop.

I didn't have my spectacles on. I'm very short-sight Stop. I didn't have my spectacles on. I'm very short-sighted. Knock it off. If you would have had your spectacles on, you could have looked out the window and seen someone like a ruffian pulling up one corner of the hotel and shaking it. No, he thinks he's bigger than God.

Knock it off, Christ. When you have spectacles on, everything's better. Very few. Alright, so there's a goddamn earthquake. Yeah, so anyway, I'm just saying it was a 6.8, and it was kind of interesting. That's a good one. So the next day, I fly down to Palawan, and it was like, have you ever seen, you wouldn't have seen a film?

This podcast should be called Good Money After Bad. So now, after the earthquake, I get on a... So I fly down, anyway, Palawan is this long, thin island. I think it's like 40 miles long and 3 miles wide. Oh, wow. And it's famous... Not famous, but... Right now, someone's going to Wikipedia it and email some kind of correction.

Actually, it's too far back. Oh, really? Anyway, the point is, one of the things about it is the last place... I found all this afterwards. I didn't know this when I was going. That doesn't seem like you. Because I was very in the moment. And so I discovered it's the last place in the world where an undiscovered tribe was found.

And so the southern half of Palawan, the UN is like... You're not supposed to go there. I just saw a thing where they won't let people go and fuck it up. Are they cannibals and shit? I don't know what they do. But they don't want anyone to go down there to introduce any kind of... I just watched a documentary about

how they had to sneak in to try to find this place. So I landed at fucking... What's it called? Porto Cristo? Airport on Palawan, and then i had to make my way this is a long story very short over two days to this port barton anthony fucking brown recommended to me and it was in the tail end of the rainy season it was like a film called wages of fear okay where you're in this like open truck that's going through the jungle for two days

it's a monsoon outside we had to stop twice i think not to change the tire but to change the axle at one point i was looking over the edge of the truck we're all going over a precipice this wheel on my side wasn't touching the road anymore it was hovering over like and it's like yeah and all the Filipinos around me for them this is normal this is what third world life is like and I'm going this I'm like I'd gone beyond being worried at that point and towards the end of the journey, I remember once there was some other awful thing happened. I just thought, oh, let's just die. This will be so much easier if we just die now.

I mean, the third world, at the start of the journey, they hauled and put on top of the truck enormous, like coffin-sized, somewhat ironically, slabs of ice, which they are transporting through the jungle heat to the village. So when he gets there, he can have a nice cocktail. That's right, basically. Two cubes. Yeah, for the, you know, and saying we arrived. It's like if you had to be in the pig slaughtering plant

on your way to go get a nice pork chop at the upscale steakhouse. So they're in a hurry, not because the humans are precious cargo and have to get through this monsoon, but so that they get enough of the ice to make it worth the trip. Right. Yeah, but one of those amazing laws of physics, when you have ice of that scale, it doesn't melt that much compared to if you have a cube. Sure.

So it keeps a long way. Anyway, we arrived there in the middle of the night. Did that make you feel better? No. Looking up there and seeing that they're transporting open ice? No, no. It was worse because... Above your head?

If that gets down to shards, I know I'm doomed. No, the problem was that it made it worse because they had blocks upon blocks of it. So the height of the vehicle now, it was so unstable. Anyway. That's how they tell when the gas is low. When the ice melts. Because the gauge is broken. So I arrived in Port Barton, which turned out to be a very pleasant place.

But I saw a set up and I was doing my writing. And then this chap arrived who was Patrick Pryle. You can find the fucker. Patrick Pryle. And he had... P-R-Y-L-E? P-R-Y-A-L. He was a construction manager who basically was going...

He's a British construction manager in the Southeast Asia. It's full of people like this who. I'm going to guess already he's just like that British cunt that booked us in Sweden and we never got paid. Oh, no, no, no. This Patrick Pryor was okay apart from one or two things.

Oh, the fact that you spelled his name with. Twice. Yeah, with hatred in your voice. No, no, no. Go ahead, Patrick Pryor. And so he had this Filipino girlfriend in tow. And I believe she may well have been for hire. I don't know.

But the point is that Patrick and I kind of got on, but he was somewhat annoyed to discover that at that point I was going through a teetotal part of my development. Oh, yeah, no, we've been there with you in Costa Rica where we had to do an intervention on his not drinking because it was ruining everyone else's vacation that he was out jogging and eating right every day we actually did sit down around a fireplace at night and say read all the reasons why his not drinking was affecting our vacation and at the end he was

chugging jägermeister. So it works both ways. Go ahead. We know. So Patrick was always, it was like, so he continually complaining that he found himself in the turn of the millennium on this tropical island with the only Scotsman that didn't drink.

And so one day he said, we've been talking, there are like these, like fishermen's canoes just lying around. I mean, we're talking like the old school, like, you know, dug out from one tree, you know, Filipino fisherman canoes. And he said, we should just go around the bay here to the other side because apparently, you know, it's quite a nice little paddle. So one day we did that and it was much tougher than we anticipated. In one of those canoes? One of those canoes. So we got the canoe

and we're going around, we managed to get around the, what do you call it, the head? The peninsula? Peninsula, what do you call the point of the peninsula? The point of the peninsula is what we call it. Anyway, the point of the peninsula. The Cape of Good Hope, is that where you went? Yeah, anyway, so we managed to get

around there, but there was a bit of huffing and puffing involved, and we thought, oh, that's kind of tough. We arrived in this immaculate Filipino village, which all the Filipinos had gone out fishing. It was empty. There was nobody there. There was a small, rudimentary, bamboo Catholic church, which looked like it had been built in the 16th century

when they colonized the place. No, we didn't set fire to it. You know, for all the fucking Doug's fuckhead fans, we didn't set fire to it. Yeah. Sam Adams is kicking into the teetotaler. Yep. So, but we did feel empowered by having reached there,

and there was an island some way off, and we thought, oh oh now we've done that we shall now conquer the channel you're still in a canoe yeah in the canoe so off we set in the canoe and we got to about midway across the channel and that's then things went bad because we realized we were not getting closer to that island and we also realized we were not going to be able to get closer to where we just come from you're getting swept out to sea. We're basically in the middle of nowhere and this is the whole point. This is the South China Sea.

This is exactly where the story in Jaws that Robert Shaw tells about the USS Philadelphia going down. No, not the Philadelphia. That's the one with the crazy... Are you sure it's not the Philadelphia?

It's the captain from the boat. Where the sharks ate like 32 guys or some shit. Not 32. No, it's Philadelphia. The boat went down, but they were on a secret mission because they just dropped off a bomb. I'm sure it's the Philadelphia. The Philadelphia is the one that's supposed to get disappeared. That's the Kirk Douglas film.

All right. Anyway, the boat went down. They'll Wikipedia. All the guys went in the water, and the guys would rotate from being out from the front, out on the edge, to the inside on a time basis. But the sharks would come and just pick guys off on the end. So not only did we have that story, the previous night we'd been out with these Australian pearl divers, and they were explaining how they did their job.

Is that a male stripper group? No. Oh, that's down under. What they do is the pearl divers, how you harvest or farm pearls is that you have to go down every week or so and turn the shells so the water is going over them a different direction. And that way you get a perfectly spherical pearl. See, that's cheating that's what i've always said about pearl diving that is the steroids of pearl diving go you're manipulating this it's not like the true days that's why some pearls are sold with an asterisk

next to them so um they so uh they'd explain that what happens is this the waters are infested with these tiger sharks which is the robert shaw story infested with these tiger sharks, which is the Robert Shaw story. By the way, tiger sharks, one of the meanest. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So they had a routine, which was that the guy would go down to turn the shells on the end of a bit of rope. And what happens with a shark? And if a tiger shark showed up, they'd throw a Filipino

in the water with a couple of fresh gashes from a razor blade on his... What they'd do is, tiger sharks, I don't know if it's true of all sharks, but tiger sharks don't attack immediately. What you'd be doing is that you'd be turning the pearl or whatever it is you're doing, and something

would bump you, thump you with its nose, and that's a tiger shark going, oh, let's see what happens when I do this. Testing. Testing you. When that happens, you pull the rope. It rings a bell. The people on the ship,

the people on the ship throw chum in the water and then wait for the tiger shark to come up and they shoot it. And, oh, while somebody else... Everyone has a system. While somebody else yanks you out the fucking water. Up through the chum. Yeah.

So the earthquake didn't queer you. The chum in the tiger shark story didn't queer you. Now you're paddling for fucking the Blue Lagoon. So the point is this. We'd heard this story. This is the night before. So we're... We have...

The things aren't going well, and i have time to say to patrick look out for that wave and then we're under like literally the wave hits and we're under and you know once once a canoe's got water in it and it's underwater it is floating but you can't get the fucking water your canoe if if I'm thinking of the same one, is only about six inches above the water line. Correct. There's nothing. You're going to get swamped real easy. The only thing I ever learned in the fucking period when I was trying to learn yachting was stay with the boat.

Never. I just kept shouting, stay with the boat, stay with the boat. And then I saw one of the oars floating away, so I quickly swam. You left the boat. I swam to get that, and then the boat, stay with the boat. And then I saw one of the oars floating away, so I quickly swam. So you left the boat. I swam to get that, and then I brought it back to the boat. Anyway, the funny point was this, though, in the story, is that at some point in me getting the oar and coming back to the boat,

I kicked Patrick in the back. So he thinks it's a tiger shark. With the bump. He almost fucking ran to the island. On water. He came out of the water like, woo. And I said, no, it's okay. It's me.

Anyway, but now we're in the same position we were in five minutes before, but now it's worse because we're now. Thinking about tiger sharks. We're thinking about tiger sharks. Our legs are like, we're mad. Anytime you think of sharks, you just think of the view from below. This is why he hates dangly jewelry, which is another story. Good point.

So we're just floating and drifting down current. But you're not getting in the boat. We can't. It's a swamp. So then we have to decide, okay, well, let's just try and paddle for that fucking island. So we're holding on, and it's got one of those little outrigger bits. Oh, like a side hat. A side hat, yeah. Yeah, like to stabilize. island. So we start we're holding on and it's got one of those little outrigger bits. Like a side hat.

Like to stabilize. So we're like paddling towards it and every now and then By paddling you mean kicking your feet? Yes. Tracking sharks. So every now and then we'd pick up an oar and shout help and obviously there's no fucking coast guard in that area. Usually not on an uninhabited island.

So eventually though it must have taken Coast Guard in that area. Usually not on an uninhabited island. It's usually not a Coast Guard station. Eventually, though, it must have taken maybe 45 minutes, which is a fucking long time to be fucking bait in the South China Sea. They found an iceberg and went, this is worth money. So there's this, like, one of these rudimentary little sort of sculling, not scull, skank, like it's not skank. There's a word for, like, boats that have a motor in the back of them. A skiff.

A skiff. Yeah. I got it first. Good job. I'll blow myself. Yeah. He's the New England. That's not.

That's New England influence right there. It's a small little rowboat. It comes out towards us, and it's this, like's this like 13 year old Filipino kid dressed in rags like some you know classic island urchin and he's just looking down at us as if to say what the fuck are you doing? Like

really like he couldn't understand what the fuck we were trying to do and we just immediately thought in effect like he didn't even have time to say i'll give you a tool we were like clambering all over his boat chimping him over yeah and uh he took us to his island which was even less well developed than the third world cesspit we were staying in you know they had nothing uh they had land they had land you're, they had nothing. They had land. They had land, you're right. They had land

and they didn't have fucking sharks. And we still had some money that was wet, Filipino money, but it was enough to basically buy out the entire grocery store that so to speak existed, which was basically some other guy's hut, which

had stuff in it. And we sort of threw them a big part it was the vending machine from the hojos in syracuse where we got bed bugs only less well stocked and then we gave them the rest of the money and then they took us back home at sunset so the the filipino oliver twist who saved your life did you throw him a couple bucks we gave him everything we had yeah that's not a joke. We were literally turning it. We couldn't get it. At one point, you do think, hang on,

we're actually altering the economy of this island by what we're paying them. Everybody gets a raise. They're giving them all their cash, and they're going, I don't know. We don't need paper. We wipe our ass with leaves. What is this?

We should open a bank. Currency? Yeah. Never heard of it. Do you have a turtle? So that was the shark story. You know, it's interesting. I just got to say, I found out when I was, I used to dive a lot back when I was playing

in the band. We did a lot of stuff out in Guam. You're not talking crowd diving either. Huh? No, no. Underwater diving. I never realized how dangerous it is between a big land mass and a smaller

island off of there. The water it's like a funnel. Yeah. And that current goes through there. It will sweep you out to sea much like your story. We were watching land go past. You're lucky you didn't end up just out in a huge body of water where that funnel slows down when it lets out. It's funny that you're lucky because you'd never have me as a client.

Yeah, that could have skewed my career. All right, do we go to the bar or do you want to keep making mayhem? What are we at? 48? That's a podcast. Let's go to the bar. It's a podcast according to what is it? Yeah, we are.

What are we at? I'm guessing 48. 55. Perfect. All right. That's part one. Maybe the part two is next, or maybe it's next week.

I don't know We're weekly baby Let's go listen to some Jimmy Buffet covers Three weeks in a row We've been weekly We're gonna keep it rolling And we're also sponsored by Pause

We'll throw that in later Throw it in now or it's not going in Alright fuck it We're sponsored by That guy What's on your T-shirt? Sriracha hot sauce is our sponsor this week. A guy walked by, and he has a Sriracha shirt on,

and we already mentioned how much I fucking hate Tabasco sauce, and any restaurant that only has Tabasco has no hot sauce. Get Sriracha, motherfucker, or just close your doors. We'll be back after this. This podcast is sponsored by the Thunderbird Resort and Hotel in Treasure Island, which is part of St. Petersburg, Florida, I believe. And you'll never come here, so I won't be bothered by you because uh you don't really want to meet me

all right busted microphone does it work please hold no that's a new I gave you another one all right telefunken we'reken They might be a sponsor They might not be depending on the customer service Alright Telefunken We're back with the rest of the Do we have a name For this podcast The Thunderbird

Did I say Thunderbird Thunderbird Motel Resort Alright so Yeah we thought we weren't drunk enough earlier to close this up, but we still have time for... You need your headphones. He has no headphones. He brought his own.

Where are your headphones? Must be back in the room. All right. Brian went and took a nap, refreshed. We went and had beach drinks. You said you were taking a nap. I didn't say I was taking a nap. You said you were taking a nap. I didn't say I was taking a nap. That was the deal. You left us at

the Icky Woo Woo's Tiki Bar and said you were going to take a nap. Who's that? That's a very important call for Greg Chaley. That's not... Sorry. This is way more important.

Well, so we went to the other place and Bingo started crying about the stuff that we occasionally cry about, which the rule is don't cry till the next podcast. See Cliffhanger podcast. Cliffhanger 2. Yeah. So and then I don't know, someone get drunker than someone else, and bingo, get dressed up. She looked fantastic. Yeah, so I got cunty, and I came back here and shaved off all my body hair as I do once a year. I didn't get the whole stuff.

But, yeah, I took off, I shaved off most of my upper body hair and some of the lower parts. And I got bored with trying and I couldn't focus. Is that a drunk thing? Well, it's a thing I always want to do. And then if I get drunk and I'm in a hotel where I can leave all my body hair on their floor, I do that. You've said that was like an ecstasy thing before. I've heard you say that. Yeah, it's mostly because i fucking despise body hair yeah and i i i think i'm a giant lesbian

you own a lot i don't know body hair yeah yeah it just it grotesques me so so you took this as a provocation well Well, I shaved off most of my body hair in this extra room I rented just to podcast in case we needed it. Because we have so much shit that when we loaded into the room. Anyway, so yeah, I left all the body hair all over the bathroom because... I came around and I went into the... No, no, no. No, no, no. Way before that. No then uh bingo went in

no you told me that you went back to the room and took a bath but i thought you went to the other room the room we had originally with shit right okay keep going so i come to this room and i'm like i i got that like time clock going i'm like 50 oh here we go i'm coming up to the door i'm 15 steps from the toilet good because i gotta i gotta drop a deuce yeah yeah perfect that means a poop yeah keep going i get in and i'm at 14 and a half steps and i look down and doug did not shave his body hair i shaved my body hair all over the goddamn bathroom. I tried to get most of it in the toilet. No, no, no.

You tried to get an amount of it outside of the rim and onto the floor. There's no way you can tell me you tried to get all of it in the toilet. No, no. Sure, sure. But I can understand that. I don't understand the denouement of this. The point is I didn't try to flush it or keep it. So there's body hair

everywhere everywhere in and out of the toilet just piles of body hair as if you've trimmed a dog or something but chaley who trimmed a gorilla this is not chaley's general sense of humor in fact he's against it but chaley let's go on chaley so you saw this well i saw that and then i'm like well wait a minute if you were talking about your room at which now you were asleep or you went back to with bingo and yet i walk into the room that i assumed was mine because no one's in it and there's body hair just thrown about like there was a fight with a pillowcase full of body hair i'm thinking well then whose room is this right he's now right he's polluted both rooms yeah whose room is this right now right he's

polluted both rooms yeah who's the business so what did you do Shayla shit on not not even the seat the seat is up no no no the rim I've seen where it is it's kind of not even on the rim my isn't it's in the hinterland of the porcelain I backed into the up I I lifted the seat up because I'm a gentleman. Yeah. He put English on it and went wide right. Oh, yeah. I dotted the I, brother, on that one.

I crossed the T. I'm still trying to understand the logic of... That's a triple stacker, by the way. Yeah, but there's no logic to it because this is not his room. I went and bought this room to get the fuck out of that room. But what I like is the logic of of okay let's imagine it's right and this was his room he sees this like this body hair and then just thinks fine i'll just put a big poop in the wrong place right no no i have the keys to the van the van is my room you would you are sleeping we don't have a van we don't have a van we've got

a Chevy Malibu yeah we're on the road. We're off tour. Yeah, Hennigan picked us up. Well, it wasn't thought out completely. This is like the My Lai Massacre. It's like how it became necessary to destroy the village in order to save it. It's like there's no logic to this whatsoever.

You saw a lot of hair and decided to poop in the wrong place not the wrong place he took a shit on the rim of the toilet on purpose underneath the seat it's not like he missed taking a shit

he took a shit you act like in the wrong place that's the English way to give me don't ever call a scottish person english yeah that's uh that's another on a toilet seat yes well i'm not taking a just so but it did disturb bingo quite a bit well it did get we did it's still there yeah it's still

there it's good it's like right it's like it's quite impressive shit is it early it's like lovely guatemalan guatemalan muley it's like really impressive it's i don't know that that's spencer gifts looking shit like it's uh it's thank you yeah it's like if you made rubber shit it would look like that snap a mold off that baby. Let's do this. The highlight of this is that not only- The highlight is you think you one-upped because earlier in the podcast, the sober part one- Part one. Which they will all go out together, by the way. By the way, none of them are sober.

Yeah. Brendan Walsh was pissing all over a bed on this tour. Yeah. Well, you shit on the outside of the toilet yes just to be i want to be known as someone is that why so now i'm gonna have to pick up that shit with my hand and chase brian hennigan around with it for a vine video which is exactly why i did it doug yeah or do we go right back to bingo and go, honey, I made you a sock puppet. Here's the old Dane Cook bit where he does the eeny, meeny, miny, moe with the paper

mache thing. If I can just tell you my motivation. Yes, please. We had bingo out here. Doug and I loved to fuck with bingo. And she's a little drunk and needs distractions, to be fair. And I was just thinking if we could get her to go in there and like is this what we're going to look forward to anytime somebody says we need a distraction you're gonna take a big dump chaley doesn't drink on the road

much at all anymore or much the first tour he kept up with us and then he realized i should i have to drive in the morning he has to do shit so i think chaley's motivation was hey i get to drink all day on a day off we're not on the road i'm gonna shit all over everything in a room i think is mine even though it's not i you know what i saw the junior stopka sign in the other room. I just assumed this was mine. All right. That wraps up the podcast. Who were we sponsored by for the end of this? Shanks.

Shanks. Armitage Shanks. Oh, wait. No. Poop wipes. They're classy. What are they called? What is that called?

One Wipe Charlie's. One Wipe Charlie's. Yeah. It's a way to wipe your ass. If you shit anywhere in creation because you think it's funny and if you're an animal who eats a lot of fiber. Yeah. And you make a perfect poop on the curl of the rim of the brim of a nice porcelain toilet seat here at the Thunderbird in Treasure Island, Florida. and Treasure Island, Florida. Yeah, wipe with One Wipe Charlies. They're classy.

And you can see a video online. Bill, you should really explain that the video is not how to wipe a man's asshole. Because that's what it sounds like. When you fucking pump One Wipe Charlies, it's a one-wipe fucking thing for men and it's classy look at the video online it sounds like you're promoting a tutorial video about how a man can wipe his ass with a handy wipe i'm sure it's a funny video maybe put that in the copy this turned into this commercial turned into a personal message to Bill Burr.

Oh, listen. The only reason I do this shit is because Bill Burr makes me want to do a podcast, and I know I will never be that good at it. But Bill Burr will never have his friends shitting all over his toilets for money. Okay. Anything you want to add in? We have a few minutes before we can go get prime rib and we only have medium left.

We did trick Henning in to go into the bathroom, which still stinks like crazy. I didn't really get as far as the stink. I saw this whole trail of fur. I'm going to pick that poop up like a softball and hurl it at you. I'm going to chase you down the street with it. Let's just close this up.

What are we at? We have enough time. Yeah, this is a full one. Yeah. This is good. We get home tomorrow, and then it's going to be awful, and then we'll be funny again in a couple weeks. Bye.

Okay. Yeah, bye. Play the Matoid. Part time. Part time. Part time. Part time. Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time

Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fuck, six party time, here we go Party time, yeah

Party time Party time, yeah Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, pasta time, pasta time, hey! Pasta time, yeah! Pasta time! Hi, me again. People ask me, Mike when are you going to do video number two? You want to talk about number two? Great. Let's talk about number two. Poof! Everyone makes it. And I don't have time to jump back in the shower after a messy number six. I'm an executive now. I have papers to sign. Fortunately there's a better way to wipe your messy bottom.

They're called One Wipe Charlie's and they're butt wipes for men. Butt wipes, Mike? Yeah, bitch. Butt wipes. What's a bitch? Why do you need a butt wipe? Because you're not an animal. And whatever you're using now is primitive. You're leaving buried treasure behind! You want to get all the golden nuggets, don't you?

I'm talking about poop, Alejandra. I know, Mike. We all know. Ha-ha! Ding! Plus, toilet paper takes forever. You shouldn't have to be special forces to extract the bad guy with speed and precision. With one wipe, Charlie, you wipe once. And get on with your life.

Plus, you're out to sea, boys. I know what you're thinking. Is all this fancy butt stuff going to cost me an arm and a log? There's a bear in the woods. Not anymore. in the toilet. And he pays just a couple bucks for a 40-pack.

So clean up your act with the softest, fastest, manliest way to wipe your ass. Except no substitute. It's one Wipe Charlie.