The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Trouble Finishing in Alaska

Episode Date: January 4, 2026

Recorded in their hotel suite before the final show of the tour, Doug and Andy take us back to the night before, at the abominable Anchorage institution that is Chilkoot Charlie’s— where they're flooded with memories of mother/son sideshow acts, an infamous little-person bar, and when a Santa hat briefly became Stanhope’s most valuable piece of merchandise. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster at http://RocketMoney.com/STANHOPE Better in video:  https://youtu.be/2Cb1bwlKm9w?si=Gax55M_6jqTELcQX  Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, Rocket Money. Forgetting subscriptions can burn a hole in your wallet. Skip that stress with Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money helps you set goals and stay on budget by giving you personalized insights on your finances. See all your subscriptions in one place and cancel with just a few clicks. this is something my wife desperately needs because she keeps showing there's bills that come in

and she's I don't have it and I try to charge it back and they're like no that's a subscription you have to cancel it I can't figure it out now I have rocket money and we're at least $140 a month that was right eight subscriptions

that you have no idea what they are so either get a divorce or get rocket money rocket money's the dashboard makes it simple to manage checking savings loans and investment accounts, giving a clear view of your finances on one screen. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash Stanhope.

That's rocketmoney.com slash Stanhope. RocketMoney.com slash Stanhope. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster at rocketmoney. com slash Stanhope. Who did we steal? Hot Israelis. Who didn't we steal? Yeah.

Just partying. All right. All right, let's go. We've been suffering through this final show of the 2025 fun run. Yeah, yeah. The fun tour. Andy and occasionally bingo and myself. And we've covered the globe.

Yes. Yeah, we did the entire globe. All of, I think we probably played, I don't know, at least 25 states and Norway and Sweden, which is all of the world. Where were we in Sweden? Stockholm. And then Bergen and Oslo in Norway, which is the entire world. Why can't they send us some nice people from Norway and Denmark? We're doing Somali.

Because no one wants to leave there. yeah yeah oh yeah those yeah the last thing they want to do the they got the sweaters and uh and all that shit you know cool sweaters and you could sit down and have some lute fish or whatever luteifisk lutefisk yeah which on some of this world tour i went out and did stuff and and i try to go hey there's this great fish market and all this you know like like he's going to be interested so but i would sit down and try to experience things I try to smoke weed everywhere, you know, and enjoy it. It's like, I'll probably not be back to Bergen, but I know, you know, that security guard was wondering what I was doing and was, you know.

So I have experienced the world now, and I know that I'm cool. Yeah. But don't smoke weed everywhere. Some places aren't as cool as I am. Yeah, we thought you were cool enough that when we woke up, we got here late last afternoon. Like it gets dark here at four o'clock, so, yeah, by the time we got home at 7.45, we thought it was midnight. But you were just starting to jam out with those guys.

What happened to you? What happened to you? Yeah, yeah. And I go, I feel like we missed out on something, but I'll also feel better that I get a good night's sleep. Which would have did. And, uh, I did too because I, I, uh, well, after I pissed myself and did laundry and a tub or whatever, I, uh, I got Xanax. So I took a Xanax and went down good. And then I woke up like, I always do it, like three in the morning.

And I thought, usually I have incentive. There's something. But I'd look out, it's fucking bleak here. It's cold. And I took another Xanax and went down till nine. Yeah. When I woke up and we hadn't heard from you and you're, uh, phone went straight to voicemail.

I go, he might still be at Coots or jamming with Mark. Gacked out somewhere because there's fucking gack everywhere. This is just places lousy with drugs. It's like Frisco. It's worse, not worse, better than Skank Fest.

Yeah. And that there's, if you want drugs, just go, drugs, thank you. Again, just like Skankfest, I quit smoking six days coming into this, walked into Coot, saw a pack of cigarettes, didn't even ask. Just help myself. And I only smoked like four or five cigarettes. It's like the Lake Shore was like, you know, it's like I got, somebody handed me an eight ball, eight ball before the show.

That's the only time you ever need Coke or want Coke is before the show. After the show, no, I don't want to hang out with you fucking loops. I feel like if people are lousy with the drug or whatever, it's like order it on a Tuesday and pick it up on a Wednesday or whatever. It's a daytime. Let me start a beat. right now. Uh-oh. I heard

I go, well, yeah, Andy's probably, like, there's always Coke around, so he probably, and then I heard,

oh, yeah, he already was into the Coke when we got there. And you never fucking invite me to the party. Like, if there was Coke, I would go, Andy,

there's Coke, do you want some? You never say that thing. It's like, it's like you're smoking. I worry about it. You know. I'm the best Coke guy

I'm the guy who can do a bump of coke and never ask for another bump of coke. And you never invite me to your parties. Let me make amends before the show I have a bump for you. Well, I had to make you call

the guy. No, no, I had, but I made a moderate investment. I sold some crypto coin and I got a moderate amount, so we're good before the show. During the show, I think where you know we're going to be hurting i think i'm going to do an edible on stage because it this is the only time it ever worked for me with hallucinogens worst thing to ever do is go on stage

tripping but the times it's worked i did it at the beginning of my show saying hey i just took a tab of acid i just took mushrooms right as i walked out so we're We'll see in 45 minutes. Yeah, yeah. So I think I might do that tonight with an edible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because edibles, to me, are the same as tripping. I mean, I react the same.

I'm not a scientist, but I do have a, you know, a degree in pharmaceuticals. But, you know, I mean, I've been a lifelong experimenter, but yeah, I think that sounds like a reasonable concoction. Pre-show or during. Alex, the Australian here, has never experienced temperatures. I think yesterday it was supposedly a high of night. nine degrees, low of three. Today is a couple degrees, warmer, double digits, 11,

but he has never experienced. I don't see him riding scooters like he did in Brisbane, you know, zipping around. No, but he said, I'm like, see, it's not that bad. He goes, we walk across A street, just you can see a place. I can read the license plate of that mini cooper right there. And he said, by the time we got from this hotel,

to that taco shop he said I couldn't feel my jaw so that's the coke well he was he was underdressed he wasn't like we dress like this indoors where I have the temperature set at 78

yeah I know I know look at us yeah he's in he's in a refurbished cashmere this is well and a lot of times it happens the locals or you know people partying or whatever but you can die here pretty easily

any given evening just, you know, having a good time and sleeping in the driveway and if you want to get discovered early, you try to block the door so they're trying to get out and it's like, what's that?

And then they're, you know, calling the paramedics or whatever. We came into this gig and Bingo says, we found out Bart is now the GM of Coots. Oh, yeah, yeah. And this is the first time

that I know of. The blue, balloon just came into my head as possibly another place that did comedy that I might have played. But as far as I remember for sure, Coots is the only place I played here. And this is my 30th anniversary of the first time I played Coots was December of 95, 30 fucking years ago. And I go, well, everyone I know from there, Chaley, Tracy, like all of our friends that moved down. I go, I don't think I know anyone left at Coots except Bart

we know is, and Biggo's like Well, we know that now. Okay. But Bart, you go, should I text Bart and say that we're coming up? I go, no, I haven't heard from anyone from the old days of Coots. And

if you text Bart, they're probably going to expect that they should, like, Duran would set up a big dinner and I'm like, I don't have time for that. We're here for like last night and today and then leave in the morning yeah well i'm already late on checking in for our flight out uh but yeah we're this is the shortest time we've spent in the place so i i know all right when we get here the night before let's do a quick run through of coots he'll film

it we'll see you know just just all the old stories this is the swing bar site of the worst show Maybe ever in my career. Really? Right here. New Year's Eve. Sixth a cedar. Right here. The owner and his mother is sitting right up front.

Me and Be and Becker tripping our balls off on mushrooms. They had this all sat and then it's all people walking through. Oh my God, is that JJ? And we walk in at fucking JJ is the first person bar. and like JJ's here and then fucking Duran the old owner and Lucre yeah Michelle

Lucer and fucking like all these people and the fucking stories just started flowing so the man show was over and we we put together this production of like the man show I don't know how we sold it

like this is the uncensored version of the man show. This is not the man show is what you had to call it for Licensing. A bunch of jerk off bits on stage live with the crowd. It was packed. People showed up. You found that Doug was here.

It's bad. Yeah. It's fun. We kept pying strippers and we went, don't, stop spending money. I'm just trying to help out. There was some guy with his mother. They double-headed dildoed on stage. What?

Yeah. We had this big fucking 19-inch. Double-headed dildo. Okay. And they had the deep throat it and kiss on stage. What? And they did it. No shit.

Yeah. And it's not telling you back to house. What the fuck? What the fuck? Yeah. What? I remember my first track in here and then I got called up somewhere. I won't say where.

But I was like, I was kind of like, it was after Rouse's got dismissed from life. And I was kind of bummed out. And I thought maybe I'll just go up to Alaska and quit comedy. You know, I'm on some festival, some of Dick, or John Ming paid my way up for, and he said he was my handler. That's how he got into the festival by saying, I'll get Andy Andrews here, but he's a lot of, you know, a lot of energy. You got to watch him and shit. But he was the guy who fell apart, but I did a lot of drugs somewhere nearby. But it was just like, oh, not only am I not quitting comedy, I'm too gag to do comedy.

And, yeah, but it was like, it's kind of a, it was where issues with Andy started. But it's just, for whatever reason, it's like a dive bar, but it's got energy and history and, oh, man, good, weird, bad memories. People ask, what was the wildest story you have at Coos? And it was Bongo Fiesta that we stole from Howard Stern. Howard Stern. And Bob was hosting it. And we had two sisters, 69 on stage. We had midgets on stage with Longoria.

And then we had Bob, a girl Rando from the crowd. Never do Rando, as we learned. Never pick a rando out of the crowd. Always have a fucking plan. Yeah, don't let the mark act. Bob goes, we need someone to bongo this girl. She needs a drummer. Bob picks the guy out front.

Come on up here. What's your name? John, John. What do you do? I'm a Marine. All right, Marine, you're going to bongo this girl. And the stick was you sat in a chair, you pull your girlfriends or your partner's pants down, and then she lays across your lap, and you play bongos on her naked ass to salsa music.

Okay. So salsa music starts, she lays across his lap, and out of nowhere, pop, he pulls his switchblade out, and snaps it open, and cuts her underwear off. Security rush at the stage, the crowd's like, whoa, whoa, knife, what the fuck. so they run on stage they slam him to the ground they got his hands behind his back everybody's like there's some mayhem

and Bob's like okay wait a minute whoa whoa whoa what the fuck dude the girl says I'm okay let's start over it was a mistake to start over Bob says okay

blame the victim go ahead it's okay she lays across now she's bare assed laying across his lap and they start the music again And we had props on the stage, like whipped cream and baby oil.

So he grabbed some baby oil and just fucking soaks are just like, and Bob's like, come on, dude, you're supposed to be bongoing. It's bongo, bongo. And instead he's just like rubbing her ass. The crowd's like, boo, come on, come on. And he's like, fuck you to the crowd. No. Right up her ass on stage.

Fucking way. 400 people, standing room only. I can't get to the stage. I'm all the way in back. You get to the stage, because he's laughing so hard. This time, security, they put him down hard, right? They face-plant him, they scuff him up, they handcuff him. She's backstage.

I go backstage. She's standing there. They're competing for T-shirts. First prize is the fucking T-shirt. I go backstage, I go, look, we got that guy in cuffs. I can't press charges. You have to say you want to press charges, and then have charges pressed. And she's standing back there.

She's got her pants around her ankles. She's got a bar towel. She's wiping the baby oil, the crack of her ass. And she looks at me and she says, oh, it's okay. We're in the finals. Are you kidding me? I know CBGBs, for example, is the most story, like, punk rock fucking coots wipes out any other bar stories of all the fucked up and this that has ever happened.

And it's, it's completely unknown outside of, of Anchorage. Well, no, if anyone's ever been to Anchorage, they know Coots. And it's got, it runs the spectrum from like dive bar with nothing going on to, oh, fuck, I got to get out of here. This is a fucking, you know, all this fucking hip hop night. Guns are out. Like I was there when Stanhope, get down. I go, no, I'm not missing this. Don't worry.

It's in the other footage. There was a stage right here. where Jackie Trinco was playing doing her one-man band Lady in Red and so it's day shift one of the day shift drunks they're throwing him out and he's like I'm going to come back and kill everybody

then he did come back with two guns walking through there Billy Bads working behind the bar the guy comes with two guns drawn Billy Bath jumps over the bar hooters waitresses that were off shift back when there was a hooters here

jump across the bar and I'm just standing here because they're going all right calm down calm down and Jackie Jake is playing oh she's step get down I'm like I'm not gonna miss this

and they come over calm down and then they boom grab his fucking both of his arms beat the fuck out of him and then call the pigs oh can I have a drag of that fuck yeah

Newport, be careful It's amazing How much courage you have when you're drinking Who's the run towards the gun guy or whatever? Yeah, no, I was the stand there immobilized It depends on the move I was the guy with the phone number one finger in the background I'm on TV

That's basically And I still am A fucking room tourist That's who I am. Yeah. If somebody pulls a gun on me, I'm like, okay, cool, let's go. No, he wasn't facing it at me. That was the thing.

I was the Switzerland, innocent bystander. Hey, I don't have a side in this. I just want to see you get shot close up. Yeah. But no, they took them down and beat the piss out of them and then called the cops. And those guns are now. They have so many confiscated IDs up there. Yeah, I know.

It's like, huh? Thousands and thousands. really hoping you were going to steal those oh yeah you should if we get back yeah yeah yeah no steal those and we can sell them on eBay oh yeah so they used to have a they used to have them like

the whole south long bar was like had pictures but the they would have like a mural of confiscated fake IDs oh geez what's that fucking son you want to yank the should we yank that thing now

there we go let's just try this one Yeah, there you go. Oops. How many times have you been up here? Oh, I couldn't. The only, like, there's so many skewed memories. We don't know. I remember Becker, when Bingo was up here, I think maybe your first time.

And Becker had the Whippet Tank in his house. And there's an after party. maybe eight or a dozen people oh fuck and they had it was like literally like an opium den in the living room of everyone just waiting for their turn off the whipet tank and they wouldn't no one moved for hours just whip it yeah yeah the whipet den is like when you first experience like whoa it it is like probably a heroin den or whatever people waiting for their chance on the whip at the at the death valley party yeah yeah i i i i I was the tyrant who tried to ban whippets of all the drugs that came in there. I'm like, the whippets, remember when Johnny Meat Sticks? Ignored the balloon and tried to do it right off the thing, not knowing it froze his lips and it ripped the skin off his lips. So you couldn't look at him. It's like when I knocked out fucking, Cocktee's Kelly's tooth out.

I went to pull down her tube top. but I had a beer in my hand and the beer bottle smashed out half her tooth and I can't look at you for the rest of the party. You're like, here there's no dentist in Death Valley. Imagine how I felt. That was the lady

who was blowing me. You just chipped your fucking tooth, man. This was like a shitty paying gig but it was the perfect and that was before Alex and Bingo

jumped on board. and then I had to move us from a paid-for Airbnb to I-paid for the hotel. Yeah, now we're losing money on this gig. It's Christmas. But there's no better way to end the tour than Anchorage. Yeah, yeah. After so many, for me, I think 12 years is the last time. Burn the sheets, Jaley.

That's just for us, kids. And then we did that bus podcast at Becker's. you were there for that uh yeah 2013 and now it's going on 2026 coming up a lot of the midgets are dead only one no two of the midgets are alive and they have families which is gross with regular size women let's be honest midgets are only cool till about they're 20 years old 25 30 you know we had a we had a hidden camera gag we filmed up here when we're doing that hidden camera shit at the end of the 90s and because single party consent and one of the ideas I had was let's go to a out of town gas station where people need a key for the restroom you know how they

put it on the the hack premise a big chain with a big but no it's attached to a midget so if they ask for the key to the restroom I pick up a midget with a key attached to to them and you have but the midgets midgets like a real midget they're fucking bulky yeah they're not yeah it's like dog food 25 fucking pounds they're giant heads and giant asses and giant everything yeah yeah little hands so like and i'm like i can't pick up a midget i've like it's weird it's like we had another bit eight turkeys in one pair of hands uh our friend god what's her i can't remember her name. She was an Israeli soldier and

prostitute in Israel and then she came over here and her I remember her dog's name was Nestor and he would he'd hump your leg. You'd go hump leg, Nestor and he'd just start

humping you and I go, let's get him to hump a midget anything because we had midgets. There were midgets in flush up here for whatever reason. Alaska We had three midgets, Midget, Porquito, Joe, and Dave and Kenny, these midgets, and they love to be exploited. They would get so much pussy, they couldn't get exploited enough. They'd get thrown out of a midget convention because they wouldn't stop saying midget.

You're called little people. Fuck you. We're midgets. And they're trying to fuck everything. And they would get laid all the time once we started making them into a little. A, uh, uh, a, uh, uh, a, uh, a, uh, a, a thing. Yeah. Midget's had a pretty good time because we had our own midget bar.

We opened a midget bar on the ice bar. It was this call. I take full credit for making those midgets famous. And we got a little Fisher Price cash register. And we got the little Corona minis and a little beer cooler. And it was, it only takes two beers for a midget to get fucked up. So they were fucked up day and night. You serve them a regular-sized beer, you can tell you're overserving by their hands.

on the beer. Like, no, that's a fucking... A yellow brick road to the midget bar. From the front door to the midget bar. And the problem was, girls, young women, look at a little person and think, oh, he's so cute. He's like, no, he's sticking his finger in your vagina. He's not safe. He's going to fuck you.

They would get girls on the bar and then do body shots off the girl, but they wouldn't stop at their belly button. They'd pull their pants down. I'd go over there and there'd be a whole crowd around the bar. Like, you couldn't see what was going. people are blocking what was gone and I go over and say holy fuck he's going down on this girl in the bar I'm like there are certain limits the things that we could do here and the statute limitations is seven years and this happened in 94 that's some wizard of Oz type backstage shit

I had him dancing with fucking strippers and cages my show humanized midgets and that makes them capitalized on their behalf. Yeah. It was like a fucking latter day Barnum or Bailey. I think being a midget would be like you just kind of accept who you are and then there's a weird

niche that wants to fuck you and you just go all in on that rather than. I got to lose a little weight off me hump or whatever and no, they just go with it. Yeah. So now they have kids and stuff. The two that are alive.

Kenny died randomly. One of I was like, I was just a regular under anesthesia procedure and then he accidentally died. And Kenny, he's the one that worked for the Anchorage Aces. I was the time I get to ride the Zamboni between periods and the Anchorage Aces hockey game. Wow. We're in this specific jacket. Oh, yeah, no, I was worried about like, oh, yeah, this is the thing we're going to sell. Yeah, that's the fucking.

And I'm like, this isn't going out. for the show. Yes. This is the Chilkoot Charlie's bomber jacket. Turn around, baby. Like, on par with the hell's angels fucking, you can't

wear that. They presented. Turn around, I got it. I did. I know your scarf is, okay, there you go. And the inside is all lined with. So they gave this to me somewhere in the mid, late 90s, but in a presentation, like,

like you're being indoctrinated to La Cosa Nostra like a biker gang like only a certain amount of people get these Did you have to beat the shit out of somebody to earn it? Well

you know what I did a lot of things and don't worry he's got all that footage from last night and that's a fraction of the stories from Chilkoot Charlie's This is the stool right here where I got that girl

I don't know if she I don't think it was PJs but there are two strippers and I the girl blew me right here she goes I was wearing a Santa hat back in those days

I would always wear a Santa hat and I was sitting here and she goes I want you Santa and go you're going to have to blow me for it so she started blowing me right here so did you give it to it? Yeah she blew me right here

That's why I said. I could go seat by seat in this barn. Yeah, was there any nudity for you on Chill Cute Charlie's? Lots of nudity. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I have, I still have, like, polaroids of me with my dick out with Yeager girls. And just, my dick was always out. Yeah, I knew Doug's dick before I ever met him.

And it's not much of a shower or a grower, but it was out. and that's that's confidence it's a conversation starter right but back in the day you pull your dick out and it was a conversation starter not a uh-oh this is a bad deal you know sometimes you just got to air that thing out you know you know what uh uh if i could uh cumulative like the amount of hours i spent trying to come on drugs going hang on hang on a minute I'm just a little

hang on a minute a lot of ecstasy yeah hang on I'll get a boner soon like just the amount of hours just in Anchorage the amount of drugs and the patients of a lady

and the cold weather yeah probably not so much no no it's just the drugs and not but definitely committed to the act In those situations, you should try to blame them and not the drugs. Hey, listen, this isn't me. It's you.

You're probably under a lot of stress at work. But it's definitely not me. I don't know what you're doing wrong. But I'm going to keep tongue starting this like a lawnmower that's out of gas. Is it supposed to be this dry? It's like day old oatmeal. I'm trying. I'm trying my best, but God damn it.

It's hot, but it's a dry cunt. All right. Yeah, I think it's a... Oh, shit. It's still three hours to show up for two hours to show... Five fucking hours. And there's no goddamn bar in this place. The waiting is the hardest part.

every day yeah let's get one more yurt yeah I find the when it's time to do the show

it's like I can I'm not putting any energy or thinking or whatever and then 10 minutes before I get a sense of urgency yeah don't worry I have I know no I'm tonight is different

you know tonight all we need from you tonight which is why it's here yeah is you just have to nail this one and just it's not it's it's a bit that if you don't nail it on stage it ruins everything i will do it i will say listen

yeah yeah we only needed this one bit that andy can't not fuck up so i'm going to do what andy's supposed to do no no i mean i'm i'm i've already got it if you don't do it right i go up after you and i'll do it right for you yeah just like the old either way this is how the whole thing started like we used to do when we tour together when you'd fuck up a bit i remember like your obituary bit for instance like you going up and then you started it without setting it up right so

you just did all the punch lines without the set up and people are confused and I want to all right if anyone's confused this is what Andy was trying to say and then I do your whole bit that you already kind of did but I do it after you and then I've been back on oh yeah that's good so yeah if you

fuck this one thing up that is the crux of the biscuit which is the apostrophe Wait, apostrophe. The crux of the biscuit is the apostrophe. I don't need biscuits. I'll let people on Patreon fill in. Yeah, I do that reference.

I don't do biscuits. Frank Zappa, for Christ's sakes. Okay, well, Frank. Yeah. Could I be frank with you? 30 years trying to come on drugs. I wrote that down. It's maybe something I would riff, but I already did it.

Yeah, it's already out there. Public consumption. Burn the sheets, Chaley.