The Doug Stanhope Podcast - While the Wife's at Church

Episode Date: August 10, 2025

Early Release Episodes over on Patreon and YouTube Doug and Andy catch up during some time off from the road. Andy’s pitches his plan to recruit skilled young people willing to work for free, while Doug wrestles with guilt over his white privilege and not needing to watch the news. Andy shares the kinks he’s aged out of, Doug reminisces about the one-legged girl who got away, and both confront the realities of aging – including Doug getting trapped in a posture-correcting brace and Andy accepting that he’s come to the tail-end of his handsome years. **Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code STANHOPE at https://www.lucy.co/STANHOPE **Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hello? Hello? So I had to, jot damn, yeah, I'm fucking plan B at the shit. There we go. Can you hear us now? Can you hear us? Yeah, yeah, I got my fucking computer is just a piece of shit. It's just fucking, so anyway, yeah, so there was a lot of shit going on with the computer.

I got my other thing out. I couldn't figure out any of that other shit. It would take years for me to figure out how to hook. that thing up. Anyway, so this is better. Yeah, if you took some of that money you'd been spending on fucking River Dogs gear and Indiana Pacers hats and Norway

refrigerator magnets, you could have bought a new computer. I could. I could take my gun that I don't know how to love to a computer store and say, look, man, I need a fucking computer right now. Now my computer always wants to update. Yeah, my computer always wants to

update and i and it's going to update whether i say i mean i don't have other appliances to just say i'm not going to make toast for you unless you do upgrade or update plug this shit in just make the fucking toast your appliance i turn you on your uh fucking tv with a fucking other purposes but uh i'm ready to yeah i need to see a few more checks before i could just throw it open the deck pulling it down to the street below and then fire shots at it but yeah now it's all over it's behind me on the road we always uh when there's a frivolous expense that we go should we spend that money we go well it's two bibles yeah last night i was uh was uh Hi, it's punking away up my computer at some silliness that I probably regret if I find it or someone responds.

And I heard what seemed to be voices outside, and I didn't know if it was auditory hallucinations, but no, it was I walked out and it was a car parked right in front of the mailbox about 7.30 at night, and I walked out and as three Mexican dudes and an old white lady. so I assumed, you know, the worst, which was, she was ice. Oh. And I walked out and the guy goes, she scared the shit out of me. And I thought he said, I scared the shit out of him. And then I thought she was with them, but she wandered down the street. She was walking two little dogs and saw three Mexicans going into my mailbox. And they said, hey, sorry to bother you.

We just, we know we know you like to sell stolen by, and they had seven fucking bibles they were putting in the mailbox sorry to bother you oh you don't bother me at all i'm high as shit and i love your bibles and then they drove off before i could say hey you want to get a picture or anything i was too uh i was too out of sorts to invite them in for a drink but uh but they were there were Hispanics yeah they were uh from el paso staying at the shady dell so i did call uh justin jason from the shady dell and say hey find out where these Mexicans from El Paso are staying

and comp them a breakfast or something, do something like as a thank you from me. Yeah, that's, that's, yeah, so that pain for, I could throw my, wow, that's not, they're not sold yet. I'll bring him to San Francisco.

No, my, my spend loss is, I just, a walk around my yard and then bids from people to do the work. I know, longer wanted I was no not suited for it ever but I would do it and now I don't want to do that work and I see that people who do that work charge a lot so I didn't buy me no Indiana Pacer's hat or in fact I was going to go to the country fair and that's what Reggie Watts is performing there was was performing there yesterday and I could go get drugs and walk around but it's a lot of

hippies and a lot of trails and I like to do drugs. I like to be on my own trail. I don't want to be tripping and run into 500 other fucking weirdos doing the same shit. So, but it was $60. And I thought, no, my price for getting high

walking around with fucking hippie weirdos is $30. So I did not though. I get a text message from Floor. If you remember Floor from Slab C

She was the gal that looked like our friend Hack Auditie from the UK. Yeah, she's sending me pictures. And I said, are you in Eugene? Because I saw the tents in the background. And I know that fair that you found some back way into through the woods. Is that correct? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I did sneak in there one year. And one year I walked in as a retard. And then that emboldened me to do the same thing in a Dave Matthews concert in the same jacket to walk in with a grade as well, you know. Did it say retard on the back? Like it would say security?

No, it said special. Just, hey, it was a red thing and it had a, you kind of look like an official security jacket except it was for being a retarded. So I just like, you know, walk. And when they say, can I see your ticket?

And then I just look and then point or whatever. And then the country fair was, was, easy because people, you know, they're all goodwill hippies or whatever. But the Dave Matthews ones, they were, you need to stop, sir. And, you know,

I didn't go full retard. I just, I was myself where I don't, I don't like authority and I don't listen. So that's, I just walked in that way. But yeah, I'll bet there's a lot of hippies trying to swim to do it with a $60 price tag on.

That's like a fish concert to those people. Well, Flores said she was selling tie-dye out in front of the place, but might go in later for the drum circle. And I said selling tie-dye at the and Eugene is like selling camouflage in Amarillo, Texas.

Yeah, there's probably a lot of tie-dye salesmen there. Yeah, it's it's when I first moved to Eugene it was a novelty. I took a bunch of pictures. I took pictures, you know, I was definitely

a tourist, overwhelmed with, with the hippiness, the partial nudity, the weird parades, and all that shit. And now I'm on the other side of that. I'm a cynic, and it's like, I don't see enough titties. It's too fucking hot. There's the band suck. I'm not paying this for a bunch of, you know, hippies doing Greece or whatever they said. There's all these different stages.

But, yeah, you got to be into, people consider it like this big, huge event and their family and shit and all that but I don't I don't have that kind of you know I'm not attached to any of those hippies I like to I like their culture when you spot side boob

but it's matched with side armpit hair yeah yeah towards it there's a lot of stuff to look at there that's for sure and I'm sure that wouldn't change but my ability to walk around be jostled you know there'd be a lot

jostling and bumping and uh uh you know if you're not in the proper headspace for it i always noticed that in bars that i was always the path of least resistance like if it's a fucking jammed bar but people are just going to go right past me necessarily this i was the jostled yeah i don't like to be jostled and uh when i jostled and uh when i jostle. I learned at a bar in Springfield early on. And I've always been a somewhat of an Oregon duck football fan, but I was a lot less so after this encounter where I bumped a duck player who was drinking a beer. I jostled him. And he jostled me and he wanted to fuck me up. And, you know, I felt like it was an honest mistake and there was nothing to be had by him beating me

down. So I'm sure I laid out some cowardly platitudes and bought him the fear. Maybe I just threw $20 and then took off out of the bar. Yeah, that was that whole bit on Deadbeat Hero about supporting the troops. Well, I don't support them all. There was one troop in Colleen, Texas, that wanted to to fucking manhandle me because I fucking bumped into his Paps blue ribbon and I did not support that troop during the war. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that I don't know if you're a football player you know things can happen. You can twist an ankle out on the field and yeah, you know, a lot of shit can go wrong and at a bar where it's crowded and there's a lot of people who are just drunk, having

beer spilled on you, it should be like, ah, that happens. You know, but this guy, it was also during the heat of summer where they, you know, in fact, I remember that the only reason I knew he was a football player is he stunk with his undershirt, a practice undershirt that had UFO on it.

So it was an official looking thing. And, you know, I could smell that he was an athlete. And it's just, you know, you know that fucking smell of fucking cooked alphas. I'd be like, oh, shit, man. I don't want none of this. I don't know that that, he was one of those guys who stuck around. He was one of those guys who was throwing it all out there in the summer,

probably got into some rape situation and ticked off his campus. But, yeah, you can beat my ass in front of other people, but that, you know, that's a mentor status as a guy. and I was in my prime athletically too I was probably like 26 years old and fairly strong

and that guy would have destroyed me in a second and even if I would have put up if I knew he was coming and put up a fry he still would have destroyed me yeah that was my plan today but since we are already having

I said to the kids while you were yelling cock sucker faggot motherfucker at your own equipment. People think issues with Andy is gone, but no, it's just on a different channel if you can find it. Yeah, we went to...

At some point I said I said to myself, wouldn't it be easier just to fly down? Yeah. Yeah, that's why, if I had that, when I find that guy, that's what I plan to do in the Friends with Andy show. coming up in September with Doug Stanhope, Annie Letterman.

In Eugene, Oregon, the day before we play there, Andy's doing an Andy and Friends show. They wanted to do a secondary Doug show, and Doug hates the picture, and that club tends to put whatever picture up on Facebook, and that's all you see on Facebook. So I said, how about this? Because they redundantly advertised, put me on there. I'm a local, and I'll do this show. And then he goes, what about Doug and friends? I said, no.

So anyway, if it's on, you know, it is. I wanted to, I wanted to have it to be something just so we can do a fun set and in and out. And Sondro and Annie are great and fun to hang out with and Nikki Davis. And so I got the wheels in motion for that. And that'll be, what is it, the 17th on a Wednesday? of September. That's a good thing. But my point is,

my point is I want to solicit. I want to be like, if I was a hot chick, I want to find, I want to get a lot of contacts of dudes who can do shit for me. Like, hey, what do you do? Are you, you saw trees? Hey, man, come over to my house and party. Yeah, that's why it's important to go to open mics to support the future

the new talent that also has a day job that has a skill right yeah yeah yeah i want to find a tree guy i just want a dude who's comfortable being up on on in heights that uh dealer you know like i want one of those fucking dudes in this like early maybe early 30s it's just a crazy fuck who everybody thought would be dead by now that climbs up as i climb up them cherry trees and lop off the tops and get rid of some of them dead branches and then uh there's some everything around here involves a degree of you have to be brave and i am not i don't want to do anything so i want to solicit painters just dudes you know with all the mexicans on the run uh i finally got a few dollars to burn and i can't find any uh any help to exploit yeah i got i had a bunch of trees

die because I had a kid that fucking weed whacked a great kid but he cut through the fucking automatic sprinkler system like the little tiny hoses so these fucking six trees died and I

got the only fucking handyman I've ever had that was like really great Tony's he's Mexican but born here he came and sawed down the trees while we're in Hawaii and he came over to get paid and he goes Doug, I'm scared.

I go, about what? And he said, the world, man, the world. And I just fucking white privileged out of my mouth said, just stop watching the news. Not understanding that, oh, no, ICE is just picking up anyone, whether you were born here

or not. And I don't, that's one of those things where we don't watch the news, but maybe I should. Yeah, I just watched this whole thing as a member of Antifa. uh i was unaware there's an ice facility up in portland and that they're gassing and uh arresting uh protesters up there uh i'm not heading up there because i'm a antipa military general so i hang back in these situations but that you know i don't watch enough news you know uh no it should be more outrage you know

it's just the outrage on a daily basis i can do without but it i do miss knowing all the fucked up shit that's going on around me yeah it's just too much of it and you don't know how much of it is fucking hyped and how much to believe yeah i watch this thing on uh uh what is that what big national park about uh in montana anyway all these it's probably bullshit all these mountain lions are heading to utah like hundreds of them and then some preachers up you know and it's like man now it's like it's like in comedy if you believe the premise or you know you got to buy the premise to get it or whatever it's like i don't it's like if that's true that's kind of interesting but now this preacher said it's because of this in the bible and now i can't even

continue with the article uh because it's yeah everything's suspect joe rogan one day says don't trump is the man and and and then he's like wait this guy lied to me it's like i don't know believe anymore. You know? You can't believe Rogan. You can't believe Trump. Andrew Schultz is also, Paul, is

backtracking from his Trump. And I like that they're doing it this early on. Yeah, but it's because of the Epstein files. I saw that clip last night. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's bullshit. I supported Trump,

but now he won't release the Epstein files. And you know that's just yeah I haven't watched a lot of Trump but it's just so easy to read as a liar yeah and it's like I don't want to talk about the Epstein let's you know it's like the fact that it went away and he didn't want to talk

about it means you know it's obviously fucked a lot of kids and did some weird shit it's like you know you can just tell you can tell one a habitual a guy who lied he doesn't I don't think Trump I don't get why people soak in he's such a bad liar

that's like if you You know, it's like a bingo tried that. Some, you know, Fingo's the worst liar ever. Yeah, yeah. It really is. And a bingo really tried to sell it. And then just said, no,

that's the truth and walked away. By the way, I don't think it's an undercarriage in Bingo's case. I called it an underground railroad. Because all the brothers who wrote on it for freedom. but yeah i hope you're under under carriage is going to get uh taken to a good blacksmith hammered into place yes august 11th her surgery is now finally scheduled so just one more a month of clam digging for poop and then she's going to be fixed up mother's

And we leave on tour the day that she goes in. How's that for me calling the doctor and giving her a fucking Venmo. Bingo, you should, when you're, when you get done with the surgery, you should keep a notebook by the toilet. Yeah. Just because, I mean, you're going to have so much creative energy. I mean, she would literally like have to nuke-rockney poop out of her asshole. you know give some fucking let's go let's go and win one for the gipper she was she was motivational speaking to her asshole

i want to use new rockney as a reference that's someone that's so old that we didn't even know who it was but heard the name a lot as kids i was just thinking about having an opening joke you know i look like so and so and so and so had a baby but just you He's completely remote, ancient, fucking... Slappy green and Jack, you dress like Jack Ramsey and Slappy White had a baby. Was there a...

There should have been a Slappy White if there was not. Speaking of my wardrobe, this fucking jacket will be going on sale. I think it's a 42. I'm a 40. It hangs pretty big. But I was like when the sleeves dangle. a little bit. It feels like you're wearing your dad's sport coat when you're a kid.

Wow. It's like you're. Yeah, it's a it'll be for sale for Vegas. I'm eBay and a bunch of sports coats for Vegas. This was my idea today, Andy. And since we had so many fucking problems just getting this going, uh, I was gonna, the first

idea was, you should call James Inman on speakerphone. And, uh, and we'll ask how his ticket sales were. for his 4th of July weekend he was headlining and then tell him that we were thinking about bringing them in to try to move some tickets for our show at Kansas City

I just I just want to hear the numbers but I don't know oh hey Meatwig is back on the podcast oh cool yeah it's almost like could you start a Reddit dread but I mean you know it's like it's like throwing a bottle in the ocean hey were you at the james in the show this is coming from

oregon uh hopefully somebody sees this someday do you want to give an attempt because i was going to call like annie letterman and go hey fucking let's uh put it out there that you're going to vegas you're we added you to the vegas show we're promoting it how about you stop texting me go When is that Vegas show again? I wonder how I was just thinking, you know, like the Andy Anderson Friends show. He, you know, like I could invite Inman out for that. Pay his bus spare. And give him a big check for cancer for $150 to take home.

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Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. The Australians are still all about this idea of racing Kenny and Derek. Oh, yeah, yeah. versus Amtrak across the country. Cannon Dork Run. Yeah, but I never thought about putting Inman into that equation.

Yeah, but he'd be a ringer because he, no, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, they all left the starting line at the same time with the same, but Inman's, Inman would be ranting and quit right away, I think. Yeah, well, he also has to look after Brenda with the cancer. Right, yeah, yeah. at least you're a cancer that's solved

what's that in-between place where yeah I still have cancer all right yeah well when my wife had a rare disease and it was a brain disease and at first she said she had brain cancer

so you know I didn't rush to the computer and start updating my dating profile but it did occur to me that it was still in the middle of my handsome years and then it was some mystery

that went from brain cancer which is just like, you know, that nude girl swimming in jaws you know it ain't going to last long you can hear the music done it, done it, done it, done it. And now, you know, 10 years later, she's

still upright and everything. So I'm not dating and that's a bummer because now I'm on the tail end to my hand in some years. Hey, wipe your lips for fuck sake. Even with this stop action

shitty fucking footage we have of you, I can still see the fucking spit hanger dangling between your fucking high lips. That's a that's a webcam. fucking spider web mouth

yeah well I gotta start drinking more water I gotta up my game and I'm gonna do that so hopefully the spittle decreases I was also

going to call Kershner to see about a lawsuit against that fat man that pushed me to the ground because my back still hurts yeah I don't know he's

he's not a desperate slip and fall type of lawyer. So, you know, unless he's, unless you cracked your head, you know, he may not see it as a winner. Yeah, no, it would just be fun to hear his input, but I don't trust any of the fucking gadgetry to work anymore. I was, I had, oh, I had a thought before he said something else is you're wearing them larger jackets. And it made me think of that, that, you know, what's the talking head video? Yeah, stop making sense. And that whole thing. that he went from the big i forget that was he in the pig suit at the beginning or he progressed

to the giant suit but just the the winning potential of you selling oversized jackets you could just wear it like a a sleeping blanket and then you know you think that there's no way somebody will buy 40 well i don't even know what a giant fat size would be 56 long yeah our dhinty size yeah yeah right that's actually a great fucking uh that's a great marketing strategy when i find a beautiful vintage jacket yeah yeah yeah big well not everyone was a 40 regular i'm i'm selling to a very limited market and i'm not against wearing it on stage i was thinking if i gained 300 pounds this would be the best jacket ever but i my doctor says it's not realistic so I'm letting it go.

The Marlon Brando size collection. I just, I found, I bought a fucking the most ridiculously overpriced jacket online because it said it was a 40 regular. And it said maybe, I don't think they account for fat. And this is definitely way too long, and way too fat. And it's the most beautiful fucking pattern jacket ever.

And someone said, that they can actually tailor. How do you tailor me? Tailor the bottom up? That doesn't make sense. But maybe I bring that to Vegas and fucking do it, do it like Cinderella, whoever fits into this shoe. Yeah, princess at midnight.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, a fat man, a fat man, uh, uh, uh, dress up party. Yeah, I think you have to be between a 42 and a 44 and probably about 280 pounds but only 5 foot 8 you just described your crowd and names the place I thought you're going to say that

my ghost of Christmas future yeah I could get five seven and a half if I wear that posture brace we both we both without knowing the other had posture brace if I try to make you stand up straight

I just I need to help putting it on. I know, yeah. Have you ever hurt yourself putting it on? No, but I've got claustrophobic where I didn't realize, oh, I can just peel the Velcro straps. I'm like, oh, I'm fucking stuck. It was like a straight jacket feeling, and I didn't know how to get it off of me,

and I called Bingo in a panic. Come over here and take this thing off of me. At this point, it's like when my mom bought a book called The Enabler, or no, actually, she didn't buy the book. It was a book called The Enabler. And I bought it for her because the way her and Larry interacted. And then after we cleaned her place out, I got to find her copy of it, or that copy, and it had a highlighter pin. And that's, I think, where I got that.

But anyway, I just thought it was ridiculous of my, you know, my mom did all that work on trying to fix herself that close to the end. mother's on her fucking deathbed mother was telling bingo don't let them just throw away the books because they're worth a lot of money and she had like milk crates full of and repetitive like what was that doctor wayne dyer dire it was a big one in the 70s you're erroneous zone she had like eight copies of it like yeah oh yeah i can sell these yeah they're worth a lot of money and they were all self-help books and as she was fucking killing herself at 63 years old because she couldn't help herself. Yeah. Our mothers would have hated each other. When I was a young kid, triple comic,

I remember, I don't know what the bit was, but about, like, because there's so many times I'd be fucking some nice, lady at her house and you look up and you see all the self-help books on the shelf above whatever and you go oh yeah that's why I'm here yeah oh yeah yeah there's definitely a type that's interested in a type speaking of our younger years I I talked to Erica Rhodes who's a comic I've worked with. She's like a meeker version of Maria Bamford, which she probably hates hearing as

much as Hedberg hated Stephen Wright analogies, or I hated Bill Hicks comparisons. But yeah, her and Sarah Weinshank are going to come out for Labor Day, which we have off. That's a week before we do Vegas. April 20, they don't have dates set, but they said they're coming out so we're going to I thought though this could be like Farts Fest too which would might be like fire fest just a complete disaster yeah burn mattresses yeah fucking 10 years later and they're going aren't we supposed to pee on Andy well we're going to bed maybe we could pee on us in the morning yeah sleep with a full bladder it it's what uh for a short time I was into being tackled by

women. It actually had to do with a date. Gary Lucy in the comedy competition we were hanging out. We watched the movie Happiness and then I don't know, he was not doing well in the competition and he had a meltdown

and we were on Green Lake in Seattle. And there was like a lot of hors women, not hors, but like big fucking and bitches doing that. Yeah.

And I was watching them and Gary was crying, shaking or whatever. And I was like, man, I did a, you know, a monologue that convinced myself that it would be cool to be thrown down by a big strapping woman, you know, like a big oars woman that's like you're taking her bag of Doritos and she throws you down by the scruff. Like that, there's a pretty good guy on a golf course that got beat down by an NHL player. but like just some big woman that throw you around you know but an athletic one anyway uh this comic and his girlfriend were uh staying in my place in eugene and she was very athletic and she was just

he was like an oars woman and i go you ever played football and she goes yeah i played a little bill with my brothers and i go you tackle me and she she was into it right and then uh damon schritter pitched me the football and I took off you know like a drill I took off running with the football and she just fucking ran like a linebacker thrown down a running back just fucking stack me up and I fucking I remember the pain and I still read all that it was like the sweetest fucking pain her tithies on my head or fucking you know and I went down and it hurt like a motherfucker but uh I realized that's probably I can't keep doing it I can't. I am the top of my nest because eventually it'll be Farts Fest too and I'll have going

slower. Are you going to pee on me? Don't worry. Gary Lucy will still be there shaking and crying. Last night, Christine Levine had a really fucked up foot that they showed us a picture of. She had torn some ligaments in December and she had to get surgery that she put off forever. and they showed us a picture and like her this foot is going this way and all the toes are going this way and like she waited six months to even address that which I understand but so she's laid up and then Gary had a puncture wound on his hand from a project so I made him stuffed bell peppers I made this gorgeous fucking spread with fucking edibles and blueberries and

cocktails and I baked it and the fucking all stolen delta wear the Delta first class tray trays oh yeah yeah yeah so yeah we brought him this spread because she's laid up in bed and he's

and it was a lot of fun and then I just saw it this morning right before this I went down to get cigarettes at the corner store and I know the look of please God don't talk to me but they had a car and I'm like I thought you guys didn't have a car because they got repossessed uh you know

how she always has problems and he's not he's not helping so yeah yeah I saw the look and I thought you didn't have a car oh it's John her her son's car I have to go to Tucson to get some stuff for for her medical whatever so I didn't want to take the pickup truck they've been using that old piece of shit pickup truck that is only here to go to the dump. It shouldn't go more than two miles at a time. The only reason that vehicle exists

probably is so I have something that I can't dent while I'm there. It doesn't matter. I dent. But it's a, yeah, it's a piece of shit retired vehicle. Yeah, whatever, what kind of, you just bought a car. What did you buy?

Or of sportage. oh yeah yeah yeah we had we had an orange sportage i love that car i was gonna buy the exact same car you took a picture of and sent me and uh yeah so when you got here and wanted to use my car you did at least know how it works yeah well i'm learning i'm just i don't know how to there's a lot of things that just discovered on it there's diet there's things in back of the wheel that you control shit with like i really got to sit well i mean i sometimes i should aren't how to drive it proper

as there's a lot of shit I don't know I just finally learned this is the same way you fucking and I do the same thing when my phone or my computer is updating against my will and fuck you I'll tell you if you can update my

fucking computer but my car we both have Hyundai's and they both fucking lock the doors automatically but don't unlock them so you go to fucking Safeway. And I never remember. So I go to get my trunk and it's locked. My fucking keys are in the car. How do you decide to lock my fucking doors? I bitched about it. I went to look at that Santa Faye, you know, that boxy one, the new one we were looking at. And I went down to one car

dealer I know that I trust down. It's here a vista. And I'm like, is there one that doesn't lock the fucking doors without my consent? Like my car tells me to pull over and get a cup of perhaps because I'm driving erratically where it's got this fucking auto drive that drives erratically like it corrects you like it starts steering for you that's not me don't tell your fucking self to get a cup of coffee fucking cut so I tell this to the salesman and he goes on my fucking dashboard and shows oh this is how you turn it off so I got to do that from both cars that was a nice thing right yeah the most I learned about my car was right with a trans lady that was worked there at the dealership.

And I took the car, I had to, I ended drop it in a rental place. And so she drove my car. She was the first one to drive my car. And then on the way back, I just asked you a bunch of questions about, you know, what's it like to, you know, no, I mean, I didn't ask anything about her personally. I was like, how do you do this and what's that and that? and uh how do you get a hand job in one of these cars steering wheel looks a little close i really i really wanted to say look if i come up here uh and paid you 50 bucks would you just spend an hour with me

running over this yet but you know because the escort service is the future for our younger listeners yeah if it was a young Asian i mean if it was if it was almost any other situation i might have made that pitch but i felt like it would have been like no i'm an all dude and she's a young trans big fella and I could just you know I could see that it would be a would I want to say queer her but it would get send up red flags and I was more of a weirdoves

but really I do just want to ride with her and have her show me how it works Hey I don't care if you used to be Greg Chaley as long as you got some great shaley instincts that can fix some stuff. Yeah, yeah, that's it. We could all use, you know,

and discrimination didn't enter my mind, but it did enter my mind as pursuing, asking her to work for me on the down low would not be you know, like I come up and spend an whole afternoon up here. It'd be a tense, tense working

situation to her because she would assume I'd creep out pull my dick out at some point. Honey, honey pie Why are you getting some ice for my cock? Yes, I'm looking up to. Yes. I'm guessing.

This is who I want to be sponsored by is these fucking on the rocks pre-mixed because most pre-mixed shit is shit. But the jalapeno pineapple margarita, what I do, not a sponsor. Did Andy just nod off? Oh, no, your camera fries.

Okay. No, I'm, I thought you were narcolept. I'm going to get it. I mix it with some club soda because it's too sweet. Oh, yeah, the chargaritas. While you're mixing your chargarita, let me go get another chair. Yeah, I'll explain to him our cocktail, our cocktail since I've been traveling with Andy,

and he swears vodka is the one that makes him piss his pants and say inappropriate things. So he likes the margaritas. but they're always too fucking sweet so we say cut the mix by half and then add club soda making us

Char is our bartender at our hotel I like that term yeah I just got a chargarita and it's when you say skinny margarita you sound like a weirdo or a light latte or whatever but a chargarita Can I get a slim-fast margarita, please? And a tiny dress that I spill out.

I've ever seen any and char and anything other than straining jeans. Charr is the hunchback of Notre Dame. That all she does is complain about whoever she's working with or was supposed to stock. This should all have been stocked. And Andy says, yeah, I have a hunch, you're right. He always makes hunch jokes around her. She makes drinks like she's making them underwater. It's like, you know, like water punches.

She's like, everything she does is slow and she's complained, which gives her, you know, gives that perception that she's working faster than she hits because she's multitasking. She's bitching about what Ginger from the coaching horses Back in the day There was this old Fucking throw mama

From the train mama lady Where she was the most miserable Awful person in the world But if she liked you Then you kind of felt in on the joke And that's why I love Char Like every time they send me that follow up How was your stay?

I always go Char was fantastic Just seeing Char's face is a always a nice welcome home where she's really honestly the worst bartender just because she's physically unable to move quickly.

She is just a giant hunched over ball of girth. Yeah. She's a bowling ball with stumps trying to reconnect. Make sure you have a

stable internet connection. I don't know if you can hear me, Andy, but we're waiting for technical difficulties. Oh, right. All right. I'm hanging up on you. I think we've got you back. But I think about projects and I go, oh, I'll get my

brother Dave. And uh, but Dave is, I mean I'm almost 60. I'll be 60. And he, you know, I'm thinking it's like uh hang on wait wait wait wait wait wait you're going to be 60 on our way to chicago to do zanis rosemont august 2021 on august 19th we'll be flying in the class that is first on your birthday and on the 18th while i'm still in my 50s if you want to fuck somebody who's

in and their 50s i'll be in phoenix on the 18th as my expiration date into 60 but my brother Dave I think about I was like oh I'll just have Dave come up and last time I had Dave come up he ain't he's fucking he wouldn't get on that fucking ladder I get the risk my life getting on this high ladder had almost 60 years old because Dave wouldn't go up there he's fucking no way I'm you know you're the youngest brother I know but I was you know but yeah I keep thinking I think I think I think of him, like Tarantino used to think of casting actors and realize, oh, I'm thinking of them from 10 years ago or whatever. But, yeah, you're thinking at Derek of 10, 20 years ago

where he'd be able to paint rocks and any kind of... No, no, no, that's Tony. That's the guy that's afraid of ice, and rightfully so. But... The volume of sounds... I... I hooked him up with some information. So hopefully I could

The problem with Tony is It's like fucking your wife with brain cancer He's got a mother with dementia And so he's constantly taking care of her So you can't get him over And I overpay the fuck out of him Oh I know Tony Yeah yeah safe way

Yeah with the braces Yeah yeah yeah I don't know what it is what Mexicans getting braces I was in their like middle eight ages Yeah it's like my mom Self help books You've been your teeth straightens you're not going to be chewing that many more years.

Is it really worth it? I don't remember when we had Kenny on the podcast and we made a poke in his missing dentrifice, and you said, don't worry, corn on the cubs, he isn't coming up for a little while. Cut to the next time he's on the podcast, he's eating corn on the cob that I made. And then someone posted a mad magazine cover

of you know the alfred e newman from mad magazine had the missing tooth and he's got a corn on the cob with one complete row untouched which doesn't make sense unless you're eating it vertically i thought of this earlier when you talked about tony and i thought out ukraine and how you know it's like when they when there's a missile or a drone they have an app it lights up until it warns them is there is there an app for mexican and Hispanic people that just go all the ice like an ice tracker

like you know rumors and just you know substantial information so they go oh there's there's 12 ice in a truck

headed toward whatever street so they can just kind of clear out well I think like Twitter was responsible

for the whole Syrian uprising so they could get together and that's the problem with the glut of fucking social media yeah you could all

have a thing I just went through I forget Instagram they can DM you and I find those and then there's two separate categories of like primary or general or requests

and I someone just fucking email me someone we know that said you suck at the internet I go I got fucking two email addresses I got fucking Instagram Facebook Twitter

Reddit fucking something on my space yeah but it's still on my space with my my solo musician project that I'm trying to splinter off I really love I don't I don't comment enough

on there but your music has really inspired me I had fucking she bops stuck in my head all morning that's the kind of morning and by the way if you're a listener yeah this was a 1030 a.m.

podcast because we had to hit Andy's sweet spot, whereas his woman is off at the compound being drilled on Jehovah. The sun ain't shining on me right here right now, so that's nice too. I realize my neighbor lady, and she doesn't have a bad voice, but she sings a lot. And then I'm out there going, I don't want to hear Pat Benatar say to be with my bad shot. And she's saying it all right. And then I got to go put on tunes and change it to my own ship, but I realize that's what I do.

all the time i put at it's hard hit me with your best shot and doug's head or whatever the song may be uh like just one note or two why why is it why is it your wife couldn't have joined one of those cults where they make the couples separate so he can fuck them all well i did do the laywork on that uh i'm inattentive but i could join the her church and then fuck another lady uh you know i mean i could join the church with the purpose of just, you know, hit and get excommunicated. Yeah, yeah. But other than that, that's my loophole.

And I can't sit through enough listeners to actually, you know. I mean, you got to be so dulled. It's like going to those meetings must be like a timeshare presentation that just keeps going. Oh, speaking up. Hang on. Australians, I don't know if you get that, you know, I signed us up for a sales pitch free lunch at the Thursday lizard for the 25th of July at 4 p.m.

I thought I had nothing on my slate this month, but no. Yeah, well, on the other end of that, I got invited, me and my wife got invited to a presentation about, we need all this shit, but I didn't want to brag it and Rex the trash. Is it dinner at a nice place for two for a product we eventually need? I was like, no, I don't want to go have

dinner with my wife down there. I don't want to hear about sliding glass. I don't want to hear about the solar panel sir. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, and this is for sliding glass doors and windows and I've got a problematic two problematic sliding

glass doors. So I'd actually, if I could just go have dinner and hear them out oh god damn it our windows sir oh sorry you cut out for a second there yeah yeah well since you come back oh yeah it says reconnecting right well can you hear me yeah yeah i i get the the one the the fake handwritten ones like it's uh like it's a like it's a like a giant seat and it says it's always Anderson windows or something and one of them

was like hey we noticed that your fucking window frames are chipping away or whatever and it was right after the whole fucking redo of the house after the fire so I call up and I know it's a handwritten but it looks like it's no this is handwritten

you said these are brand new fucking windows and you put this insulting thing in my fucking mailbox you fucking cut and he finally goes uh sir those those are those are not really handwritten those are we're really so and ever since then i still get the flyer in the mailbox but it's never shits on your house just says hey we're having a thing and we're in town for a limited time only but yeah i think i think i solved a problem oh what's that yeah yeah no just like I think there's, like, a few times in my career where I go, I changed something.

One of them is they no longer call where bingo goes for mental health care CIA on the door after I put that bit out. I'm sure that, you know, it was responsible for a triple addement on the Tri-Cities gig. So I got, I get. Tri-Cities, Washington is, it's, uh, it's, uh, uh, Richland, Kirkland. Is it Kirkland? Wait a fucking three.

Not Waco. One where you, one where, yeah, yeah. Anyway, it's this pointless fucking part of Eastern Washington, which has no reason to exist. On the edge of the Apple country. And my, because there was a lot of stuff not to on the, on that triple, triple contracts would have the money. and the hotels and all that shit but then there would be sometimes add denments so like don't talk about

this you're a lot of don't have staff or get out this certain somebody fucked up uh they need to post that and my tri cities had a fucking nuclear reactor you weren't supposed yeah yeah yeah even though the fucking high school football team their logo was a mushroom cloud on the side of their helmet but we can't make jokes about it yeah i so i found that with There wasn't any mention that's at on the contract, so I had a lot of stuff about the nuclear and the big-headed kids and, you know, just a freak. Oh, it had to do with you, Matilla is up the road. They'd go to, there was a strip club and you Matilla. Yeah, I was going to say it was like, you know, the nuclear waste meets strippers and meth and all that.

And it was a nice chunk. By the way, this is Andy's exact bit, word for word. yeah yeah yeah he goes on stage something about big-headed kids and nuclear and there's a strip club

what's am I at my time it's a it's a first time it's the first time I could leave yellow cheese as a tip for a stripper was that one of your early jokes

yeah yeah that was it I gave her I gave her a block of yellow cheese and I gave her some salami because she had three tits.

I don't know the procedure or way. You know, it's like that kind of thing. But, yeah, no mention of the nuclear, the nuclear was on the contract. So, in fact, Trouble woke me up when I worked with Inman the first time, I got a wake-up call from David Tribble. And he was upset with me for ruining the gig the night before. And that was the last time they did comedy and one at,

Edmund was all in their face about gun rights, and I was making light of a recent sexual daycare scandal. Tribble said, I agitated the crowd to such a degree that they canceled comedy forever. So if you're in Wenatchee and you haven't laughed, because I, and I didn't know the whole story. Maybe there were some false allegations. I don't know.

I was in Richland. I'm fucking sure I've told this story, but I was working across one of the other Tri-Cities, and Dean Olson was working that Towers-in in in Richland. So I called over, and they said, Towers-in, and I said, oh, hang on, oh, yeah. Hey, this is Joaquin from AAA escort service. listen, we don't have any African-American girls.

I have an Asian woman, I had two white women, and they're both brunettes. And she goes, excuse me? I go, oh, I'm sorry, I need room 206, Dean Olson's room. And he said the entire weekend, he tried to explain to the lady who was a joke and were comedians that she fucking hated him so badly. But we were there when there was some kind of special Olympics or a retired oh man function and uh we had our door opened because matt woods the headliner was right across the hall and uh and this retarded guy kid uh just walked in i was with becker and he walked into

our room and just stood there we're like i don't know how to like how do you handle this and we're look down the hall there's no one looking for him so i just called matt woods and he just kind of guided the kid down the hall. But I remember Matt Woods was saying, yeah, in Richland there, like, what's that thing you're doing with your mouth? Oh, it's smiling. I don't know. I don't like that. It was the worst gig and I kept getting booked back over and over. I remember that place. That was the first gig where I was in a place for, you know, it was three nights. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, which was like, oh, I can't believe how lucky I am to be at a Midwestern for three consecutive nights, you know, just walk up the hallway.

You know, there's a pool. It's one of those old setups with the pool in the middle. It was kind of the intended teen rec center with video games and shit, but it was just all kind of dead in the middle. You'd walk down there. But, yeah, I remember hanging. out with a band there. I don't know what the band's name was,

but they should have been called the weak stomach, weak stomach band because we're all in the pool and the bass player started puking. And we're like, ah, fuck, man. So we all got out. And then we sat in the hot tub. And after a while, the base player got out of the pool and fucking clambered into the hot tub.

And again, I lost this fucking contents in the hot tub. Like it still, it was still one of the, Chris Humber to be like three nights in one place, partying with a band. That was so common that they would either, they'd do comedy, like, as a throwaway, you know, from, you know, whatever, eight to nine, 30, and then the cover band. So you'd have crowds come in, like, waiting for karaoke or the cover band or fucking just dance night, where I remember fucking, like, getting off stage in Pueblo, Colorado and I

had barely taken a sip of my drink before everyone's doing the electric slide and all those people that just want to see the fucking other shit are just frowning at you at the back of the room waiting for you to shut the fuck up so they can do the electric slide. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. The worst was like a table full of hot women that were sitting up front to just like fucking get nothing. And then you find out, oh, that's the they're with the band. they kiss up there go wow this is fucking annoying

talking about whatever really sucks yeah you don't if you could be in the back of the room with young you on stage you could helpfully heckle I mean I fucked this girl from a band

in Idaho Falls back when it was the shit Wiley Roberts fucked a girl with one leg there and I was so jealous because she was always at that gig sitting at the bar, she's a regular and I probably

could have, but he did, and I'm like he probably, he's not going to get any material out of this. He's just, yeah, he's got the same exact act every night and it's never changed me, but you fucked the girl with one leg that everyone kind of wanted to.

But I fucked a girl from the band and left a murder scene because she was uh she was had her moment and uh dina seely i still remember her name i actually contacted her once

she's in the Alabama with a lot of kids now but yeah she was she was in a cover band and becker they were playing Utah again when we were playing you she covered your dick coded it yeah

they're The blood splatter expert would say that it was unwilling on my part. I mean, this is stupid. So they're playing Utah, and we're playing Utah. And he, I go to use probably a pay phone back there with a calling card. Remember that? And he goes, what are you going to go call your skanky bleeder? And that became a refrain for the rest of that tour.

Yeah, skanky bleeder I miss her She's got a lot of kids down in Alabama now Yeah, probably a lot of cats Nothing wrong with that I just saw a picture of Betsy Wise on On Instagram But she still looks hot

Yeah If you look at your girlfriends from like teenage years They're lunch ladies But yeah, Betsy you, but vanity was one of her, you know, better personality traits. Well, oh, I thought you're talking about the tranny of the man show. You said vanity. Oh, no, no.

Yeah, I've seen her on the porn year and again when I searched for. Oh, yeah. I realized how lucky my interactions were with vanity. Yeah, she gained a few pounds. She, yeah, yeah, I would have been cool with my asshole. She would have destroyed it even more than it is now without being destroyed by vanity. Yeah, but now her beer gut would get in the way. It'd save you an inch or two.

Yeah, I wasn't ready for her and her prime. I was just thinking of a stupid band thing that I did was I got really drunk after a show and was hanging out with a band and they were they were like younger dudes and I don't know they may have been a van that burned out immediately or but they may still be a van I don't know

but a dumpster it's like all right good night and I just threw myself but I don't know it was stupid but I jumped in a dumpster And then the lead singer was in the dumpster, and we're both laughing that we're both laying in a dumpster, ditching the other people. And I gave him, I still regret, regret it was, but it was a, it was an award, and I hope he treasured it. I gave him a hat.

I got from a,