The Flycast - Rehab, Apex Legends and Daltoosh | The Flycast Ep. 139

Episode Date: March 2, 2025

This week we have @Daltoosh on the Flycast! OpTic Gaming Merch: https://shop.opticgaming.com/Check out the OpTic SCUF collection and use code “OpTic” for a discount: https://scuf.co/OpTicCheck out the OpTic Podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/optic-podcast/id1542810047https://open.spotify.com/show/25iPKftrl0akOZKqS0wHQG00:00 Intro 12:00 Toosh Rehab 23:00 Cruise 28:00 Drinking42:00 The Race Stream 59:00 Daltoosh Stream & Content currently 1:09:00 Watch Parties in Apex, Blacklisted 1:17:00 Future of Toosh Content Rehab, Apex Legends and Daltoosh |The Flycast Ep. 139

Bro, I used to go to my pool and I would just take like a bottle of Syrac and then I'd go there at like noon and then leave it like 6 or 7 p.m. And it's the bottle should have gone. That's just there by myself. That sucks. That sucks. That sucks, bro. That's awful. But it was like I'll get in a spree like that.

Like a public pool? Apartment pool. Oh my God. Welcome back to the Flycast episode. Matt, where is it? Who cares? He gives a shit. Dude, Matt's having a tough one, man.

Matt's having a tough one. You're on his ass. Look at him. He is having a rough thing. He's having a tough one. Because me and James were over there asking him questions about, like, this tournament. He just ignored us. No, he's having a tough one.

I haven't seen a smile. You got to think, like, maybe you're the problem. Because I was, I was asking him, like, what's up? And he was like, don't even fucking worry about it. That's what he said. And that was, like, right after he saw me. Yeah, it was right after he saw you. But, like, I saw him before he saw you and he was all good.

So I don't know if those two things correlate, but... What's up, Tush? Hey. What's up, man? Tush. What's going on? What's happening? It's been a long time coming, man, because we got a lot in common.

Yes, we do. We got a couple things. I wouldn't say a lot, but we have a few key things. We have one thing. Nah. A few stand-alone things. Y'all don't even really have that in common because Tush didn't play volleyball. True.

Tush thinks you're fake and you think he's fake. So who... Does he think I'm fake? He got to go. He got to go. home and you get to drink. So it's, you know what I mean? And would I trade places with you?

Actually, no, I wouldn't. On paper, it sounds good. I guess. Well, no, I am. If you're wondering what we're talking about, we're talking being sob. I am fake fucking sobe. You are fraud. You didn't blow it. You said it like you were blowing somebody's mind right there, but everyone knows.

No one out there was like, wait a second. Well, I don't know, man. Is that how we're starting this? You had one very specific issue and you fixed that issue. Two shadow. It was all fucked up. It was two, but one was more low-key. Oh, yeah.

I always forget about that. I abused the shit. I guess we're just started like this. I abused this shit out of Adderall. Insane amounts. Like, I almost feel prideful about it. And you should. I mean, I had a decorated career.

You got to hang out my jersey, dog. I was putting up. numbers. I get it. Like, it kind of... In my prime dog? Who's going... No, drinking, bro. Who's going to toe to toe? Oh, drinking.

Yeah. Drinking. I forget. That's how I thought about Eddie. I just felt like... It's just weird talking about this. Matt's just casually, like, standing there doing something. I'm telling you, just like, what the... He's pissed off at you?

These normal people... Every time he hears you talk. These normies all around. Normal people with no, no, no struggle with life. Yeah. So many identity issues. You guys are just good when you wake up. Roger and Matt just wake up happy every day.

You just wake up without wanting to die. Is that what you were saying to me in my face right here in this building? Wake up. Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unbelievable. He's trotting away happily. Yeah, it just doesn't care.

Yeah, no, I did actually used to kind of fucking. I mean, no, at the time, I did not take pride in it. I felt like I was so mentally ill that I was just like. Then I say that because it was like a broad of things just like my anxiety. I didn't want to fucking didn't want to get out of bed. But then once I started taking, I'd get out of bed. Then I'd be out of bed for three days straight. Then I'd get in bed.

Then I'd cry. It was a fucking routine. And I hated the routine. I hated the life I was living. But then like I'll talk to insert pro player who takes Adderall to compete here. but I'll talk to someone and sometimes I'll just

I'll be curious like how much you take and they'll be like I just take like a 10 in the morning I'm like bro taking 90 used to piss me off because it wasn't enough no that is actually mental 90 used to be like pre-shower 90 would be how are you getting all this

the street I mean half of it I had a script but then it was also off the So it's like, I mean, was it even, half of it was probably meth. Might have been fentanyl. Like, thank God, like, nothing bad. Thank God it wasn't worse because, like, could easily just mess with the wrong guy. I got the wrong shit, but.

What made you end up getting into the point where you're like, oh, I need to fix this? Was it a moment? Bank account. Yeah. My body weight. What was it? I probably got down to, like, 165. And right now I'm too.

It's fucking skinny as hell. 165, dude. I fucking couldn't imagine weighing that exact way. Couldn't imagine being that fucking small. Bro. Unbelievable. Yeah, but like you've got muscle. That's right.

He was skin and bones. Well, yeah. My 165 was, because I saw you're feeling a little frisky and confident lately. I see your selfies with the shirt off. That's right. But like, see, you look pretty good. Thanks. My 165 was like scary.

Like I look Like skeleton I look back at my pictures And I don't have any pictures from 2020 Like on my phone There's like nothing there Because and I remember being Almost wanting to take

A picture of just like Sometimes I'd stare at myself in the mirror And be like oh my God Like my beard would just get crazy I'm super pale My Scragly pirate Dude just so ugly While you were

While that was happening But I was like I can't take a picture Because this can never be like I never had a plan of like going to rehab my redemption story and shit I never had a plan so I was just like all right this can never

be one day I'll clutch up but like this could never be seen because it was so bad were you ever like horny during that time good question the whole year the whole year because you all I never asked you that my goon sessions were

fucking insane there was but not enough to like try to talk to a woman. No. It would just be like for the only time in my life I would like I didn't spend that much money but you know like webcam girls. Like I did that a few times. Did you? Yeah. That's tight. Like I good for you. That shit's hard. Hell yeah. Well you say you'd hit the like donate button. Well you would do a live chat with them and every minute you're spending like 20 bucks. And my webcam's on too What?

Yeah Oh that's next level It was fucking that's tight Holy shit It was respect dude I've never heard that one This is the Keep in mind I've never done this

Or would I do this In a relationship or anything like that I was fucking single in my dungeon Cracked out of my mind So yes I did It was webcam girl shit I don't even remember the site or anything

But I only did it like two or three times What is that post fucking? But I really I really didn't even do that much I like tried it out That clarity has to that has to hit dude. It's depressed How was your how was your libido with all that flowing through your blood could you even? Oh, you could really torque it? Yeah You're cranking down it. It was larger than usual. Not a lot of blood flow. It was insane amounts of blood. Hell yeah pumping and I like people are just sitting around here just listening but no I only try that a few times

and because I felt and I'm not even judging anyone who does but I just felt so disgusted afterwards and I would like I feel bad for them like the shit I would say you want to get them out of there they're making 20 bucks a minute yeah they're like I'm like four minutes in

and I just like release and go just X off, pissed off, like 80 bucks down the drain. I promise you they're good. Well, you click off and they're like, all right. I don't think they're like, oh. I didn't say a goodbye or nothing. Oh my God. They don't want to, they don't care about a goodbye.

I didn't know. No, I don't know. But like, I don't know. I felt like I was like indulging in like prostitution almost. We were always going to talk about jacking off, weren't we? Because we were talking about it 20 minutes ago in the parking lot. Yeah, while we were talking, I was thinking of things to say on here. Okay.

That's usually, yeah. Where was that? What can I say on the pod today? Need subjects, need topics. Cranking, drugs, cranking, no topics today. Matt Craig, mad, we jerk off. Wait. Talk, we talk a...

So, yeah. Yeah. That only lasted a few times. Why the fuck did we get into it? that. Oh, you were asking about your... We were asking about your lifestyle. It was just just the goon sessions were fucking insane. Like it's like an orgasm

not on 300 MGs. What it feel like? It is not this... Bro, it's like you feel like a girl. Like you know you know when you watch like a porn and the girl's like shaking from an orgasm? You're basically like that. It's like you feel like a female. Like you're just

better? But did you ever goon so long it hurt to finish? No. I had one. I didn't mean either. I can't believe there were. See, I thought, and I always thought it was sort of an Addy thing, because I'd never do it not on Addy. But then I got to a point where I was just always on Addy. And then I didn't realize other people would sit there and like, how fucking free are we about to talk today? Like, can we even put this on an Optic channel? Yeah, we can't. Because like, what I'm about to say.

Well, it depends on what you're about. I think we haven't. I think we might have talked about this before. We haven't passed a line yet, I don't think. But when you're just like so much addie, and then you're just like about to nut, but then you stop. Oh, low edging. See, I don't know my goon edge. That boy, Jelkin. Jelkin.

Jelkin. I don't know what that means. But it just, I would do like four to six hours sessions. Yeah, same. But like, I think we've talked about this. You do it too? No. Well, he was drinking. I can't imagine doing that drinking.

No, it's different with that. But like a crash on a... I was doing other things too, but... Oh. A crash on fucking 300, though, you're just like... It's... You remember that feeling before you go to bed? But then you finally nut, and then you're just like...

Like, why? What did I just do with six hours? Yeah, there's the worst. It's... The sun's out? It just feels so... You started when the sun was down? Yeah.

And there... Yeah. Remember those days? There was a lot of... moments like that. Not great. So yeah, I guess that was another reason.

That was a good intro, I think. That was a pretty solid intro. I'm going to have to go back and rewatch some other episodes just to kind of gauge how far off we've gotten. Not too far. You don't think? Well, actually... You talk about jacking off with pro players here?

No, guest episodes? This is pretty far out. But when it's just me and him, we kind of go deep. But no one watches that. A pod every one. week, we don't do shit that's that important. You gotta just gotta start making shit.

It's only real. It's only real. It's the realest. We keep it real for our fans. So when you were down in the dumps and super depressed, how did you get out of it? I mean, rock bottom. Not by jelking it? No, I mean, getting out of it, signing up for rehab, doing that.

I don't think I'm necessarily fully out of it, but it's obviously been a whole like six-month process of doing it. doing everything I can to help myself. I kind of just got out of the trenches recently, like the mental trenches, probably like three weeks ago. Kind of just something flipped in my head to where, like, I can't continue to be this awful to myself anymore. Because it was just an onslaught of just negativity

and just being so mean to myself over and over and over and over again for hours. And I wasn't working at the time. I took two months off to go to the rehab program. And then I came back and streamed for probably like a month after the race. which was a mistake, by the way, going straight from the rehab program being over, literally my last day to coming here to being locked in. Was it that quick?

It was the same day. The Friday. Oh, you complete it and then it's just boom. Yeah, and then I traveled. So then, like, yeah, I didn't have, like, a good, like, refractory period after rehab to kind of settle. So then I just, like, started going on stream and disassociating on stream to, like, ignore all the shit that I very much still had to deal with.

Is that your Marvel Rivals days? Yeah. You were cranking Marvel Rivals. I was cranking. So like, uh... Me and Alexis would watch you like every night. She was like, I want to watch the guy play the shark. And I'm like, all right.

That didn't have. I promise you what happened. I promise you would happen. Nate Schott's wife was like, yeah, we watch you sometimes. You're hilarious. I'm like, that's the best thing I've ever heard. Alexis loves stream. I hate when people say they watch me.

Yeah. Yeah, same. Yeah, anyway, so I took a month and a half off and like, because I do. knew I had shit to work on. First, like, week and a half of that was okay. And the holidays hit, and the holidays were actually like a living hell for me. Like, it was just really

holidays emotions are always amplified. But this time it was like negativity. Really amplified, really strong, super tough. Like internal? Like internal negativity? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So not like from your family. No, I'm surrounded by people who love me more than anything in the world. Great family. The perfect support system to be around.

So it just makes it worse. I was in hell. Makes it worse. I was fucking crying, opening presents. It was like sad. Like they were so concerned for me. But the time off was good initially, but then it became something really bad because you can only work out and eat healthy and read and journal and do gratitude lists and meditate for X amount of time a day. You need something to fill your time. And I wasn't doing that.

So I was literally just paralyzed on my couch for six to eight hour increments at a time, just living in the darkest parts of. my own head and the darker it gets the deeper you go. So you would just run, do healthy shit and then hibernate. I'd be like... And then hibernate. I'd be ripping until like noon or something, noon or one, and then from like one to like seven. Just like really,

really hellish stuff. Damn. Yeah. So that actually ended up leading me to a relapse, which is unfortunate, but it is what it is, because that gave me a lot of perspective on why I'm doing this and why I should be doing this for myself and I talked to a buddy and he was like yeah man like you deserve to be happy and I've never heard that before really like you deserve to be happy and that you you need to do this for yourself and like the happiness is on the other side of all the work that you're trying to put in

so we're doing the work right now so yeah that was kind of a big flip for me is like I really don't need to be treating myself like this anymore doing this so put into perspective why it's happening in the first place yeah just put in perspective like um A lot of things. A lot of things. I mean... Because you're not doing... Is it like you're not doing the shit to not be shitty?

You're doing the shit to be happy. Yes. Okay. Yes. That makes perfect sense to me. Yeah. There's obviously a lot of moving parts of this and it's kind of impossible to cover all the emotions and changes and shit that I've been feeling the past five months. But I think that was a good synopsis of what's going on.

So you relapse after you went to rehab? Like, since the race of received, Steege, you drank? No. Did drugs. I haven't drank in six months. Well, that's good. I didn't know drugs was like a part of your... Yeah.

Oh, absolutely. What was it? Cocaine. How did you feel when you... What was your mindset when you did it? Because I ain't gonna lie, and I say this to my friends jokingly, and like sometimes I'll text Bose and, like, joke about it. And it's like, oh, summer...

Summer's coming up. I'm gonna do Coke this summer. It's fucking... Like, it's in my head. And maybe it'll be in my head forever. I don't fucking know. but I fight the urge all the time. What was your headspace when you did it and just fucking,

because you knew you'd regret it. Uh-huh. Why? Are you saying like doing Addy again? Doing Coke again. Or me doing Adi again. That's what I'm talking about you doing out of you. What was your headspace?

leading to a relapse? It's like, I just like, it's just dodging like, I was so sick of how I was, like, feeling. I typically, I mean, the only reason we used in the past is because we were so, like, we couldn't deal with life on its terms and, like, how we were treating ourselves. So we used to escape that. So when shit was getting really, really dark, like, it got, I just got to a breaking point for me. And I just didn't want to feel that way anymore. So I would use to.

Was it like, I don't give a fuck? Hope that. No, it was just because, like, I don't want to feel this way anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I feel, I mean, bro, I think that's, uh, I mean, you hear that. that a lot when you're in rehab. To be honest, I should start going to like A.A.

meetings. You should. You fraud. When I first got a two a week. When I first got out. So you go there, you say, hi, my name's. Hi, I'm Dahl and I'm a drug addict and an alcoholic. Damn.

Do you speak whenever you're there usually? I haven't shared. Never? No, just because like, I, they be like sharing some like really well formulated and deep shit for like four minutes and I don't I like don't have that. Yeah. Because like I'll talk to my sponsor. I'll talk to my therapist. I'll talk to my my sober friends and we'll like chat.

But like they formulate a very deep, long drawn out response to whatever the topic is that night. I'm just like how the fuck did you? Bro. If I shared it'd be like 30 seconds. I swear. And I'd be like that's it. I'm done. Some of the most I think I only shared like once or twice in a AA meeting or NA meeting. I probably went to maybe like five, like five to ten or something. But like some of the people in rehab when I was there for 30 days because I'm real.

Were some of the like smartest, like coolest people. Like it was like there would be like there would be one to like three tweakers. Like there was probably I'm trying to think of how many people were in the program From guys and girls total Maybe like 30 to 35 people There's maybe one to three like tweakers That you just know they just sick themselves with needles

And like they're punching walls They're getting pissed They're like they need attention the entire day From the nurses and shit But besides that man Some of my like roommates and some of the other people And just how fucking well they could speak or like how funny they are like i met two of the most like funny people i've ever met in rehab

like motherfuckers are like talented as just like uh not like they have a specific talent but they're just like good smart fucking people but it's like but they just can't deal with their own thoughts which i mean like i still struggle with to this day and obviously i'm sure you do as well but I think that is the biggest The biggest thing with addicts Is just not being able to Live with your own thoughts And it's so fucking tough

I mean like I still I deal with it all the time And even just I just wish I had a And I don't want to say this But it's like so many of my thoughts are just like I wish I had a different fucking brain man Yeah It's so

Yeah I get like to other I don't know And I know like other people deal with the same thing And so sometimes I'm like Am I just a pussy? I get it I totally get it

Am I just a pussy? I've gotten to a point where I'm like I'm so sick of like talking about my fucking problems Like can I just get a grip and get over it? Yeah That's not how this whole thing works Yeah Man I don't know

I don't know what the answer is You think you could have done a not outpatient program Like do what he did Lock in for 30 days They get rid of your phone You have to sleep there and shit That wouldn't. The program that I would have done would have been, it's like a highly renowned.

Like when people say they went to blank program, like other rehabs are like, oh, so you're loaded. Oh, you would have went to one of those? Yeah. Of course. But like. Nick went to a garage down the street. No. Mine wasn't bad, but it was like no phone.

Like, that's ridiculous. I almost, but. You're fucking arrogant about your rehab. Maybe it's only because Because when I see people Going into rehab with their phone I'm like oh you're just you can distract yourself All day you're not gonna fucking

You're gonna be texting your friends You can play a game Listen to music like you can just distract yourself all day When I was in there it was like like once you don't have a phone And it's weird now because I'm so all I do is Fucking rot my brain I don't watch movies I'm on my phone I don't watch TV shows I'm on my phone But for those 30 days where

you are literally not allowed to, they take your phone, you don't have access to it. You, I feel like you, I had to deal with, I had to straight up deal with myself. Like I'm just sitting there,

fucking bored, talking to fucking, just talking to tweakers and shit. Just also talking to older people, talking to people my age, talking to this, this mom who I thought wanted me. But just like,

I don't know, you're kind of just like, socializing with like-minded people and I think it's just I think you should be able to or you shouldn't have your phone if you're gonna go into rehab but

I mean I've developed a pretty severe TikTok addiction because of how much I've ran from my own thoughts and like yeah that's the only thing that helps is like fucking just doom scroll and turn your brain off as soon as the phones away you're just back with your thoughts and you're like I hate this I hate this dude

every single night What was your I went on a cruise one time Very cool Tell us more Yeah that's kind of like that That's cool Did you train?

Yeah Awesome But I meant more like I was I didn't I wasn't I didn't have any internet So long I was attached

I was kind of Oh but you had like a cruise And water And drinks and food And friends and family To like to shock So it's not exactly the same Not pretty much

But I know it's like To not have TikTok No Wi-Fi But like unlimited food, water, family. Drinks. Drinks and hot tubs. It's pretty sun.

Yeah. No, it's pretty much the same. I just, yeah. No, I relate. Okay. Yeah. You relate. Yeah.

What cruise line was it? I forgot. Name them. I went on a Disney one when I was like eight. There's Disney. That's all I got Royal Caribbean. I think it might have been that. I don't know.

Oh, Caribbean. I'm not a cruise guy. I actually really enjoyed it. I didn't know that... Matt, have you ever been on a cruise? Yeah. Yeah, Matt, let's get involved. Yeah, I've been on one.

When? Do you like it? He doesn't seem like a cruise guy. You hated that like you're hating on maniac right now? I don't know if I would enjoy a cruise. Because I feel like it's just a... You're secluded there. Like, I like going to, like, Mexico and fly.

You stop on places. You stop at places. How long does it stop? The one I went on was... It'll park in the morning and you'll go explore wherever for like six hours and you'll get back on. We went to like Honduras and Belize and then Mexico and then back to Miami. So like you kind of... And it was like a week-long thing.

It was actually really sick. Yeah, I like doing like the not safe shit of just getting drunk and wandering fucking Mexico City. Yeah, and jumping off the side of. the cruise ship. What did he say? What? What? But yeah, that's what I did. It's actually really fun. Yeah, I don't know if I'd like a cruise.

It's fun. I'm not a water guy. I'm not an ocean guy. Yeah, you don't even notice. You don't notice that you're on water. Yeah, cruises are insane. You don't notice, you just think, like, there's a casino. You go to the casino and go to the pool. There's a basketball, courts like basketball courts yeah it's it's insane

you know on them down i i always always always wanted to go on their engineering marvels they're very cool i've always wanted to go on a cruise with like like a group of optic people i'm in i think that would be so sick i've always wanted to do anything with a group of fucking optic people but people like work hard and shit yeah that is true that is true some of us like aren't you working hard so you can go to mexico with maniac get a villa fucking 12 of us just in some

fucking villa mansion top of the mountain pool got to drive down 10 minutes and a fucking ATV to get to the city you're passing fucking huts with children with no fucking socks Wow

And you're like wow You help them You fucking hit him with this Drive by and take a shot at the city I was sorry That was so so rude and inconsiderate I just had to hit the throttle on the way past Kick some mud on.

Kick some rocks. Dude, come on. I had to go along with the joke and shit. But I don't know. That's my type of. I would love, man, can we please this summer or some shit? All of us just go somewhere.

Well, last summer I would be down, but then we went to Italy. Oh, last summer I'd be down. Yeah, no, Italy. That was awesome. Actually, it was. No, I was a lot of fun. No, I went. Oh, okay.

But it was just. He invited two. It was just very... And the Tuch said no. Yeah, I was like, let me come to your wedding. And this was like, I don't know, a month before. And, like, he texts me. He's like, you want to come?

And I was like, yeah, where is it? I'm thinking fucking... Callie or something. This fucking says Italy. I'm like, dude, what? No, I'm not going. It was expensive. It was like two weeks before the wedding.

Absolutely not. Yeah, it was expensive. Remember that? It was. I mean, it was fun, though. do you spite him for having it possibly international if if if he didn't force me there i wouldn't go to italy and it kind of what maybe if i had a girlfriend that like planned it or something but like i wouldn't that wouldn't be my first choice of places to go i don't think but i i am glad

like i got the end of day i just if i if i didn't want to go i wouldn't go on it was too much money to not do whatever I want to do. Yeah, I mean, I had a lot of fun there. I did, we, we made the best out of it. Yeah. I got to see, uh, it was super fun. Got to see a bunch of cool stuff. Grew up in the, in the church.

So like going to see all the Vatican stuff was great. Did you all go to the Vatican? I don't remember. I was, I was drunk the whole time. You loaded? Michelle was so pissed at me because I was just, I was just, fuck. Total fraud.

Bro, it'd be like 3 p.m. Total fraud. It'd be like, like. Like 3 p.m. And I'm just so hungover and I just take like three shots just to get it just to get out of the head. Oh God, that sounds awesome, bro. But like my skin's boiling. It's just like.

Because it's so hot? No, like the blood is just I don't. When you drank a lot, did your skin feel like hot? No. If that makes sense. Like my face would always feel hot. My skin would feel hot. I'd feel puffy.

I mean, I felt generally speaking like a pilot. shit for about a year and a half. I did feel awful, but it became the norm. Did you ever get like a beer belly? Yeah, dude. I had a fucking boiler on my shit. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Towards the end there, dude, yeah, I absolutely had a satchel on me. I didn't know. I didn't.

Yeah, I lost like 25, 25ish pounds pretty quickly. See, alcohol I could just never do like that. I can, I can pick a week every few months. I was hung over I took three shots

Bro, I used to go to my pool and I would just take like a bottle of Syrac and then I'd go there at like noon and then leave it like 6 or 7 p.m. and it's the bottle shit's gone. And I'm just there by myself. That sucks.

That sucks. That sucks, bro. That's awful. But it was like I'll get in a spree like that. Public pool? Apartment pool. Oh my God. Jesus.

I wouldn't have said that out loud. better than dealing with my thoughts at home that's right and that is why we do it it really is so valid it gives you like a fucking break from i guess your thoughts um oh but what i was saying i could never see i'll do that and then i'll be ruined for like two weeks but i don't think i could ever full blown being alcoholic because my stomach just like it just hurts my stomach and like the next day my stomach hurts and it makes my anxiety so much fucking worse. And I feel like for the most part, I only drink for like to numb my social anxiety. Why?

So I don't, so long term I don't think I could be an alcoholic. Why do you think, why did you choose alcohol? I mean, I had an alcohol and a cocaine problem too. I mean, the alcohol, I don't think I chose it. It just kind of chose me. And over time, I had a lot of, over the years, I had so many positive. reinforcements associated with alcohol because of work and stuff like that. Alcohol became such a big part of my identity and my brand.

And I leaned into that so heavily without knowing. Like I thought I was in really control of like how much I was like drinking and being in the social setting and like the watch parties and shit. Like obviously at first it didn't start off the way it finished. But over time it just kind of meshes and then you go from having the control over it to very quickly losing the control. And it became such a big part of who I looked at myself as, which is. pathetic because I was like I if I'm not the drunkest or in the most rowdy at every social

gathering I'm at all the time people won't like me yeah yeah and I won't like myself crazy because it's just so not that's not true yeah and that's just what I was telling myself so like yeah I had so many positive reinforcements in regards to the watch party too and like however hammered I would get on stream I'd make a lot more money so like chat you guys are your dick okay um so yeah I just became became meshed in with my identity over time and I really didn't realize that until I got out of it and it's like damn that was and then that just transitioned that just transitioned into drugs yeah yeah the drugs were there before that too but like yeah sometimes you just dread it's it's it's fucking mixing first it's what is it

what is it called first it's magic then it's medicine then it's misery so this was like after college early stream then it got to a point where I was just drinking just to feel okay and that threshold just kept going up and up and up because my point of like no thoughts where I like am happy to be who I am was like five beers towards the end it was like 20 and six shots it was like it was to the point where like my body

would like shut down from drinking so much but that was the only point that would make me feel okay is when I got there. Holy shit yeah and then it's misery then you're just fucking miserable and you're so far gone from who you really are that it's just like other than like the long term

obviously affects physically was there ever like one specific moment where you're like holy shit I almost that was almost it yep the last time I drank actually was at Pebble Beach for my buddy's bachelor party and I was absolutely pickled but like it wasn't to the point where I was sloppy drunk I played golf that day I mean I was sloppy

drunk but I could maneuver it pretty well and it was at Pebble Beach which is a very very renowned place in golf top five right probably anywhere um and i was pickled went to bed i recall opening the hotel door went to bed woke up with puke all over my chest and on my bed and on my arms so i threw up in my sleep and you didn't know it and i didn't know so i could have died could have died that was the last time i drank wow so that was a pretty scary moment yeah did that even seem go you know going to sleep last night

or that night, were you even... No, because I was... You didn't think that was a possibility. No, it had never happened before. You were conscious? Yeah. I mean, I was like... I was basically teetering on a blackout,

but like... Yeah. My nightcap that night was two long islands after an entire day of drinking from like 9 a.m. to 2 a.m. Two long islands is a nightcap. Holy shit. Which is disgusting, by the way.

Yeah, that's insane. Yeah. A long island is... Had two of those in like 45 minutes. Long Island is also eight shots of alcohol. It's like, it's like five different alcohols, I think, but it's like half shots of each. They'll fuck you up, though. Great one.

You used to order those? I ordered AMFs. Yeah, it did the same thing kind of with the same thing with one more, yeah, one more alcohol. But yeah, I used to drink those. Yeah. Don't drink them much anymore. Almost died. Why do you think you, I guess I'm sort of going back to this.

I would do I would do the adi to distract myself and it like helped I feel like I have no fucking focus without it but as far as like alcohol why would you drink that's a million dollar question when someone

when I'm actively working on that for me I don't want to drink unless it's a social situation because I feel more comfortable in conversations when I'm drunk I can actually like walk up to a fucking rando at a like back in the MLG days when you're at the bar on a Sunday or whatever yeah social drinking yeah oh what's up Sundance and we talk fucking people I haven't seen

it forever like it's so much less nerve-racking to just drink even if it's around people I even when we go to scumps I'll fucking drink and it's just I'm just that much more relaxed and I do it I would do it for like social reasons do you do you think Yeah, so would I. Yeah. I have like, obviously those are the same for me. Like, you know, you drink because, you know, the tenseness in your shoulders go down. You having a shitty week of apex.

You drink to fucking feel relaxed. Like all those, all the normal reasons people drink I still had. But then it became not normal because obviously I'm drinking to mask and distract myself from something much, much deeper that's happening. And do I know the answer to that? No, but am I working on finding that? Absolutely. Were both of your issues, social stuff? Like, like, because he, he, everyone knew he, uh, I always complain about anxiety.

Everyone knew that he was on Adderall, but I didn't even know, and I lived with him for a long time that he was also doing the Xanax stuff. So you guys both have two different, two different pairs of stuff. Like, um, so you kind of hit, upper and a downer. You kind of hit the Xanax stuff, but did you. hide anything yeah hit the cocaine yeah absolutely yeah yeah um I didn't know if you were like fucking did you abuse you were like fucking let's go yeah I mean as soon as this is if I got one bump in me there's no stopping me for like doing X amount to that's it that's the physical allergy coming in where it's like I can't stop once you start at all that's

wild at all I would kind of especially with coke coke I felt like I had to do it every like 30 minutes yeah fucking how yeah you should of doing an eight ball what is it what is an eight ball 3.5 grams sounds like a lot it's a lot sounds like a lot it's a lot is that a lot matt

would you would you ever would you ever would you ever I also whenever I get into because usually I like disappear for a summer and then I'll like call off content oh I'm sick I have COVID but really I'm just completely hung over

would you ever drink I mean I'm sure you did but like yes you would have to drink because you're hung over like yeah and that's i know that's a stupid question but i've never done that okay what about even if you're not golfing like you got home you you got hammered last night you wake up you're in your own bed you're not doing shit no no no no no i don't know no i don't drink just because i would feel so bad or like at events if we drink fucking thursday or friday and i wake up saturday and i know i got meet and greet at this time or something like I have to start drinking again because I just feel like

fucking shit I'm anxious I have like the shakes I get the shakes like pretty bad yeah so I never did that I was always drinking in social settings like the only time I ever drank in my house was like on stream and that for me counts as a social setting because I'm fucking doing it for entertainment but no I never drank at home by myself I would do cocaine at home by myself though that's a fact would you yeah oh wow I never did I mean that's fun though would you never did it with people no if I was doing cocaine. It was home alone. Would you go in the bathroom?

Fully focused. For what? Lasered. Just to do drugs. Just to do it? Yeah. So you didn't, because he would do it and play video games.

I would do it. There was some explicit behavior happening as well, but I'm not going to get into it. Got you. No. Drugs and alcohol. It's crazy. You should take a shot.

I, nope. Maybe tonight. It's actually, it's kind of, I mean, not really impressive, but but like it's interesting for both of you guys like to see it around still because like I have my bar

you know and you're fine with it and then obviously you're in gaming so you see fucking you know prescription yeah Matt Craig and his Adderall abuse no no he doesn't abuse it no abuse no you're prescribed no but even um and it's not like you guys are because because when you hear rehab as a kid especially a sheltered kid like me You think like when they get out They're fucking rabies dogs Yeah Foaming at the mouth

Wanting a fuck I Like I'm like Oh shit If you come back Or if it makes more sense for you That's how it is for a lot of people People relapse immediately after rehab Like all the time

My roommate relapsed immediately It just gets easier over time Like it was I won't lie to you guys Like when you know When it was the race to prestige And y'all were drinking in front of me Like yeah I was fine with it

But was I super uncomfortable And like didn't know how to like Feel? I was, because I was struggling in tears. Like, I'm not going to not let y'all drink because who the fuck am I to do that? Right. I was never going to do that. I'd rather die than say, no, you can't drink in front of me.

But I was very, like, on edge. I was like, fuck, this is so weird that I'm not drinking. Like, who am I? I just went to rehab. Everyone knows I went to rehab. I can't drink anymore. I never going to drink again in my entire life. Like, I want to drink.

But, like, I can't drink. And now everyone knows I can't drink it. Like, what am I doing? And who am I? And what am I supposed to be? We did throw you right into the fucking mindset. Oh, it's also like, would you rather, because I look at it like, don't treat me different, you fucking... No, that's what I'm saying.

No, but it was just so fresh for me. That was the first time I had been around it. Yeah. It's like how I would... And I'm assuming, like, you wouldn't want us to just be like... No. Like, well, tush is in there. So, like, if you're going to take a shot, go here, the alcohol is over here.

No, yeah, absolutely not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It just happened to be the first time I had seen it or been around it. Right, since going. And it was right there. It's right there And then all of a sudden We're fucking

Pumping each other Yeah also everyone got like A really aggressive buzz Because it was like warm tequila And when that hits you like raw When you got an empty tummy And you go warm to key Yeah

That's gonna get you kick started a little bit Yeah we were all dressed up Yeah you were buzzing And also off four hours of sleep in a week So you were absolutely just gone ski Yeah that doesn't help either Zanny was rocking a big tits and big ass And like everyone was humping each other

And I was like I was so sorry I was so uncomfortable and sad and feel awful. Bro, so horny. Really? Like, in general, not like, because I was with you guys, but just like in, not you got, Matt, what are you laughing about?

No, like, I, not, Zen wasn't making me horny. You were just horny in general, or not. I was just in general, because it had been like a week. You guys want to know a fun fact? I know you would go home and, and fucking rub one out in that goddamn shower. Yeah, but like still. Oh, we were just talking about this earlier. He's a day cranker.

He's a shower cranker, too. He's been daily cranking for 20 years. That's crazy. I'm a, wait, what time do you? No, I didn't mean day as in sun's out. I meant day as in daily. Daily, daily cranking. Oh.

Which is a lot of cranks. It's a lot of reps. It just kind of gets my day going. I'm not really, I'm not really a daily. No, I'm like twice a week. Matt? It depends. It obviously varies.

Daily? Daily weekly? A couple of days. times a week. Okay. Yeah. And I'm trying to stray away from that. Wait, what time?

Do you have a time? What's your favorite time to crank? Right before, right before bed, I think. Like a little nightcap. I like a, I'm, when's your horniest? In the morning. Nice. Like, do you like a, or actually like a three,

like a morning fuck? Like a three a.m. You love a morning fuck? Yeah. He loves it. See, I'm weird. I don't. I'm like a.

afternoon, like 2, 3 p.m. I get my horniness. It's weird. I'm really a whatever type guy. That a boy. Yeah. Yeah. Just any time works. Little Caesars hot and ready. Yeah. That's you. It's good. It's a.m. or PM. I'm game. Anytime. Yeah. It kind of works. Yeah. Proudier. But Zen wasn't making me horny at his morning. Because I said it at a weird time. Oh, we're absolutely rumping each other. Why'd you mention that you were horny?

Because everyone was humping. Because when I went home. And Zen had giant tits. Yeah. That was the first tits I had. seen. I think that's what it made, like, Zen's tits was the first round objects. I had seen. The first round object you've seen in a minute. Yeah. We were pretty dend up here with the fellas. What was? Was that the second to last night?

That was the last night. That was the last night. It was the last full night. Yeah. You guys all went to sleep, drunk. Bar, Toosh. And I did a fucking night shift that night. And I played from 3 a.m. until 11 a.m.

Yeah, you were by far the MVP. of that 100% fucking skump king skum yeah my fucking goat bro my goat bro my goat bro fucking please get the meat of the schedule oh which by the way I remember like I remember that night after I didn't sleep because I was playing Apex to do my challenge

and I was chowling scump hard the next day and I like I regretted it because everyone was like talking about it like in the chats and stuff but I remember why I did it is because I was I didn't I hadn't chowled anyone for two months I hadn't gotten that like fucking like let's chow like let's get a vocal child going I hadn't streamed

hadn't yelled at chat. I hadn't talked to anyone other than in a nice, like, emotional manner in rehab. So I was just trying to feel something and it felt good. You were sitting right next to him on the couch and you were doing this, like looking at him in the face. Wait, what are you like, you're talking about?

Like, I was just giving him shit for the schedules and like how, like, he owned it. Because remember how you guys, you guys all had like a big dick measuring contest? We just had to, we just, fucking. Yeah. Dude,

I was getting pissed off during that race. I know. It was like, skump, wake up do your 10 a.m. to whenever. But then the rest of us, it was,

and then it just turned into like, oh, no, was then he's going to get that shift and then, like, karma's going to come in and play a shift. And then you guys can fucking fill the rest.

Exactly. Exactly. And then the four of you can split the rest of the eight hours. That's what it was. God, it was so like, that's what it was. I don't know.

There was just, because there's obviously, and I felt, I just can't, and then it'd be like, there was one night I think they let me on they let me on earlier it was like 8 p.m. after scump sesh and then Pam was like yeah you think I can hop on for a few as well and I'm like shut the fuck like of course you wait for me to sit down to fucking but yeah we had like people filling in and stuff and then yeah just the the sket like this there were certain time slots that are most beneficial I think that the the

Scumps time slot. We all just worked around Scumps schedule. Yeah. But like Scumps time slot all day during the day. It was obviously the best. And he's, if he was at home, he'd be playing 12 hours anyway. So it's like we can't really take that away from him. But I mean, also at the same time, when he's asleep and chilling, we're keeping his stream alive with 25,000 viewers.

So I think it is, it's kind of fair to like squeeze us in there as well. but there were just so many like so many times that I just didn't want because it'd be like Skump would play then Zinny would play and then it'd be like 2 a.m and then I'd get on and then like Zinny and Skump they're heading to their cots. Oh the chat's leaving

oh okay it's night it's nighttime isn't it then no one gave a fuck I was playing and not saying they should give a fuck but there was definitely a little bit of animosity a few days in It was particularly between you two and Zen

Because I knew where I was It was the sleep too I'm a night shift I was like why I should probably just do Like a night shift I feel like that would work out best When he had done like well hitch has a night shift And like am I gonna fucking like Make him

Switch his shit This year will be better If it does fucking happen But definitely need to She was it was I think I think I tweeted at the end like it was the best worst worst week in my life or the

worst best week of my life because it was so fun it was so fun but in it was hell I would go through waves I would go through waves or like oh my god we're doing this like I'm fucking and then I would go through ways like I don't want to see you guys like I don't want to see you guys right now

I don't want to see I don't want to see fucking black up six if I have to throw another fucking sensor grenade and then and then it would come back And I'd be like, y'all want to do fucking shots? You'd go to sleep fucking blasting music on your speaker, on your own speaker that you brought? I brought my own speaker. Blasting it to the max. I remember going to sleep the next day after it was over.

And it was the first day I hadn't slept with an eye mask or ear plugs in. And I was like, holy shit. Dude, I don't know how y'all slept. I slept pretty okay the whole week. I can't. It's just melatonin. A melatonin? That's where I need my fucking Xanax and shit.

Because it was not fucking... I just, I can't hear the little sounds. And the like, thank you for the whatever gifted. Dude, do you remember the only time I ever woke up was when you were dancing around? You were dancing around. Dude, I could have swore you had symbols. Like... With your speaker?

I think it was my speaker. And I literally like peeled my mask off and looked at you and you made eye. contact with me? Well, I genuinely I was like, oh shit. I was like, I completely forgot you were sleeping. I mean, because it was your own night shift, you're going to bed at 10 a.m. Yeah, it's fucking 2 p.m.

Yeah, 2 p.m. I'm just blasting shit thinking, all right, let's get these, let's get the vibes going. I looked at myself like the fucking vibe coordinator. Yeah. Like, because you don't want to just be sitting there, fucking, uh, thank you for the sub. Yeah, it's so fun. Pub matches.

Like, you need some, a little. spark during the day to get shit gone. I think it all went pretty well overall. No, it went so well. Did you see Seth's like the next week, like Seth's viewership in comparison to who was second? I think second was swag or second was Tim the Tapman

something like that. Dude, Seth had like triple, quadruple the numbers that like second place did. And I was like, that's us. Are you saying during it? During, yeah, the week, the most hours watched of Blackop six for the first week. The stats came out. It was us.

Yeah, I mean, it was Seth, but it was us. He got all that ad, Rev. Oh, I would have loved to take a week. I want to love to take a... I don't want to see it. Just 20 to 35,000 viewers for 24-7. He should have given us a percentage of each, right? That's not how he works.

He's a little bit stingy. Very stingy. I don't like that fucking kid. See, with Seth, it's so weird because, like, would the race to prestige help us? us that much without him. Like would I hit No. Without his 25, 30,000 viewers, am I realistically hitting fucking 7,000 plus subs in a week?

No. Honestly, I mean like, for me, it's not like I'm in the Cod scene at all. Yeah, I was out of my element. Yeah. By a long shot in there. I'm not saying we would have had the same results, but the fact that I had any results at all

during a week of Cod when I don't fucking play Cod A fucking tush bag Shout out to the bags The bags are insane Dude everyone was Everyone was hype about the bags I feel like I'd like talk to you a little

During that about the bags Your chat was the craziest Because like whenever you were off Stream Even if Seth was playing Or if like Because we all are thinking like When I'm asleep

And my chat is there And Seth is playing At least they'll still talk to each other Or though Because they know everyone When you were off, it was like silence. Ghost town. They were like, our guy's not here.

Not gonna care. I don't care. They're real. I would try to talk to him, be like, toothbags, how are y'all doing? And it would just be like, good. I love randomly check it in. Randomly check it in with different people's chats.

Just to see who's fucking in there. Dude, the amount of fucking like, the fucking brain. Dude, stimulation. The stem, bro, was out of control. It was literally five chats and the YouTube chat. At all times, it was like, I felt like XUC. I could read anything.

Dude. And there's all, the chat's always moving. Yeah, I was developing autism. Like, it was bad, bro. God, the stem zone. Yeah, and then I got out of it and I was like, Oh, bro, it's just, I mean. That was so unhealthy.

I just always go back to the sleep. Didn't we plan on, like, eating clean and shit, or was that not a thing? What did we eat? We just had fucking. We ate pretty clean, is. We didn't. We didn't eat dog shit.

We didn't eat horrible. It's not like We brought in 18 pounds of popcorn. That's true. A lot of popcorn. Yeah. And then what? We just had protein.

We ate kava. We ate kava. Cakes. We kind of let Zen take over. Yeah. And Zen kept us pretty. Zen kept us pretty locked. I wasn't.

I wasn't horny because of that. I just think he kept us like pretty locked. Yeah. No, that's, you weren't that. But like, we were supposed to work out and stuff. Yeah, that kind of fuck it Tush worked out

I did Tush worked out Ruin my shift But it was great That kind of That boom mic was crazy Dude the boom mic Yeah,

I was breathing like this insane Everyone was coming like Tell that kid to shut the fuck up Yeah Because Tush would do Workouts in the morning Yeah

And so he would just Obviously Huff and Puff Cause he's doing fucking burpees And the chat's just like This guy's moaning Fuck

Even And I think And I was like Shut up Didn't Seth complain about it too I think Zen did Or someone Someone got

Zin was bitching Yeah Zinn would complain About someone doing exercise Zin was fucking When Zin bitch I was like shut the fuck up That's what I'm saying It was something between y'all three

Getting up at three hours And getting a workout And at 7 a.m I got fucking crusty eyed Zen Like we fucking be so loud Shut the fuck up Zinn I remember we were supposed

What do you say to me We were supposed to do The Flycaste right after it But I think, yeah, no. Thank God we didn't. I pulled that. I was like, I looked at you. You looked awful.

No disrespect. No. You hadn't slept all week. I, I, yeah, wrap it all on. And then you guys come down here and talk about it. Yeah. Sounds like a good idea, but it's like. No, but that was also a week out after he got out.

And we were supposed to have this type of open relationship. Open, open, open fucking conversation. I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't have been nearly as able to discuss and speak about things, to be honest. It would have been a whole different conversation. Yeah, so we were like, uh, let's not. It's better that I'm farther removed. Yeah, let's like fucking not. We already kind of disrespected him by taking him out of rehab and putting him here. Let's not make him also talk about it. It was weird how we were group texting

afterwards of just like it sounds like so dramatic, but we were just like, this doesn't even feel like real life like when we're like in our own bed. Yeah. Yeah. We were like still talking in that chat like this is weird. Miss you guys. I wonder if the It's still there. I think what was it called? RTP. I think it was Halloween that night as well. It was.

Seth went out. It was just raced to proceed. Fed the kids. Raced a massive prestige. Do you still have that thread? Yeah. What's the last like few? The last is Tush.

The last is Tush flicking off the chat. It's this. Flicking off the chat. Flicking off the chat. Because Hector took us to dinner and Tush was out of time. in Austin. I was home. Hector took us to dinner to celebrate race to prestige

and everyone was there except for Toosh. And so I forgot to take a picture of it. So I sent a picture of like the plate. Or the whatever. God, traveling. Did you travel? Did you just go like that night? Yeah. Immediately after. This shit ended at like 4 p.m.

And you were just out of here. Yeah, did I fly? I think I flew back. I did fly back. God. It's fine. I was like, oh. Wait, check your phone. I just put it. I just put Miss all in the chat. Do you still have it up or do you delete your text? I have it. I thought my text deleted. I absolutely. Look at the, look at the

profile picture of the group. You just said miss y'all. I'm going to send it to, oh wait. Matt Craig, do you have it? Oh, the profile? Well, me and Zini. Ridiculous. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I was going to send it to you. I forgot I was sending Zini from the back. but like yeah I left my passport here

shout out to zinny man we say some stuff sometimes but nah zen we fuck we fucking man zen did some really cool shit for me this week so I appreciate

I'd be trying to get his back people just the fans and shit or I did a fly cast with him and I'm like motherfuckers are always coming after you I'm like how did that but he does kind no

Zen is Zen did what none of us did in the scuff house, which like he was just like, yeah, like whatever like I'll do content with Seth all the time. And if you did content with Seth all the time and scuff house, they're coming for you. So we kind of like all, we would do stuff with them, but we

Well, it's just they like did our own stuff. Like we're good. We're good friends with Seth. But like, when you're actually literally his best friend, it is, it's different. So you're uncomfortable right there? I was uncomfortable the whole time. The whole fucking.

time. You look good, man. You look like you're locked in. Yeah, you look happy. I mean, that's funny. Obviously, that's funny. But I was uneasy. It was in an uneasy state. You're just dressed up as elf? Yeah, because then you were gone, you weren't in the costume anymore. And I noticed it and I looked at you. I was like, oh, you took it off? And you said, yeah. But yeah. Not enough drinks in me. Yeah, I gave it like 10 minutes. And I was like, yeah, this has been plenty. Hey, shout out to Pam, man. I know he was not trying to. of his personal business, but I know during this time he was going through like some personal

shit. So he was just like, man, I just need to like be out of the house and like hang with you guys. He was like, thanks for letting me like come through and shit. I'm like, shut the fuck up pussy. No, but Pam's always fucking he's always fun to be around. He was a lot. He was

he about to be here today? Yeah, we got a fucking hookah dating shit. I can't wait. Wait, do we said what? Still is a crazy word. That was never locked. He said it's a little lamboyant for him.

He used a different word. Huka? I didn't say that. What? You don't like hookah? Who likes hookah? Don't answer that. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know about Huka. Well, what do you want to do? The Hibibi bros. Yeah, am I like. Drake? Fuck. Good point. Good point.

Drake likes super. Also, middle schoolers. Like, do I want to go smoke hook after this? My answer is no. You don't have to sit there and... That's true. But you know me. And you will indulge.

Yeah. Wait, are we doing it before this? No, I'd rather do it afterwards. But they are saying this... In case you're wondering what the hell we're talking about, we're doing the Spectre Divide tourney today. But they said it's going to be like 6 to 10. Oh, shit.

It might just be chalked. I don't know. Well, that hookah spot is open to like 2 a.m. I mean, I'm down. I'm not. doing shit. I'm not doing shit tomorrow either. Absolutely not going. Damn. What are you doing about streaming and shit?

Have you been streaming lately? What are you playing? Apex. You like it? You're off the Marvel rivals? I'll play it every now and again, but mainly Apex just because I'm fucking my agents before this. I mean, everything's sinking right now, it seems, like, just in the whole landscape. So I'm just kind of keeping myself a flow while I try to try to figure out, like, what else I want to do. And I'm not really sure where I'm

editor what I want to do a year from now. So I'm just kind of in a weird spot mentally in regards to work. But I'm super grateful that I could still, you know, go back to play Apex with a pretty healthy viewership for the landscape of Apex right now, which is, you know, not great. Amen. Yeah. How's your merch thing go? What?

The golf merch? I mean, like, it took so long to pull the shit out or like get everything done. It probably was like a seven-month ordeal, which is absolutely. of fucking control. Yeah. And then as soon as we drop it, like, I'm going to rehab or, like, getting out of rehab. So, like, my whole life is, I don't give a, I don't give a fuck about a goddamn merch drop. No.

Yeah, I get you. So, like, yeah, just ass. Look at Matt's feet swinging. You wonder why he's piss at you, man. Get off his shit. Just in case, and even I want to know myself, just in case there's people listening. that don't know too shh

they don't care about to they don't give a shit they think he's dumb they don't know they don't know where you came annoying and what arrogant a bitch maybe

maybe like a frat bro all of them frat bro stupid head douchebag yeah yeah um I was just saying some people might think

to get them more familiar with you and even myself because I truly like don't know all I know is at one time would you say

you were the biggest apex streamer no I I had the I own the console scene I was the biggest on console for a while, but then I swapped over, but I was consistently probably a top seven Apex streamer, the entirety of the game.

But that was at Apex's peak. Yeah, I was huge at Apex's peak. So how do, I mean, where do we start? I don't want to just hop. What were you doing? How did you get into streaming? My buddies wanted me to stream Fortnite because I was good at Fortnite in comparison to the average person. So, like, back when catching wins in Fortnite was everything.

nothing was more important than catching a win in Fortnite I was catching them so they wanted me to stream so I streamed for like three months to no one obviously to absolutely nobody and then Apex came out and then I started grinding that game then I got so you were just like a what was this fucking college or something so you're just some random college fuck

yeah absolutely just fucking off drinking no a lot of weed a lot of weed at the time were just a highest fuck college person, casually playing Fortnite. Were you even into the Twitch? Like, did you watch people play? I watched CDN.

Here in there. CDN and Tifu, when Tifu had Fortnite, like, you know, I was watching Tifu. Everyone watched them. Yeah. I mean, he was bawling. So I guess you knew about the world of streaming. Yeah. But I guess you weren't like that.

You'd watch them occasionally, but then you just kind of played Fortnite and you realize, wait, I'm pretty fucking good. I was good enough for my friends to be like, we want to watch you. And by my friends, I mean two of them were like, start streaming. And you're like, yeah. I just did it. You're like, I have an excuse to do it now. I guess.

Yeah, I don't really recall the train of thought that led to it. So you switch from Fortnite to Apex. How the fuck do you get, how did you get to where you got? I had, so I started leaderboard grind after the leaderboards dropped, like two, three weeks after the game came out, I was playing the shit out of it nonstop. And Apex, like, surprise dropped. It just kind of, there was no announcement. It would just out one day.

What was it? 2019? Yeah, February, February 2019. It's a good day. So, I was playing the shit out of it, and the leaderboard dropped. And I recall being like, this is a random number. But I think it was, like, 140th in the world in kills or something. Something like, something like that.

Are you playing with the squad? Sometimes, yeah, I was playing with the boys. sometimes solo. Okay. Just like college buddies. Okay. But I was playing it nonstop. So then eventually I, once the leaderboard has dropped out, I could probably like grind this.

So the grind process was probably like three to four months of playing like, no, probably two months, three or four is a long time. Probably two months and playing like 16 hours a day, give or take. And then I ended up getting to number one in the world, all platforms. So throughout that process, I watched my viewership go up because like the top 10 grind was really going from 10 to one was this. same as going from 500 to 11. You know?

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Because the top 10 are, we're all tweaking all the time. Right. Right. So from like 10 to 1,

I watched my viewers go from 20 to 40 to 90 to 200 to 300, 600, 600, 600, 800 probably. So by the, when you were at 10th, 10th, probably like 40 at 10. Really? Were you a TTV kid? No, it's just all too. Yeah. Just all tush. So people were just like, fucking howl was like, who the fuck is this kid?

Oh, no, because this console. He wasn't even fucking, he wasn't even really yet, I don't think. He wasn't nothing compared to you. Who was the top guy back then? Dizzy. Still play? No. Hasn't in a long time.

Oh, okay. Stopped early. Yeah, so I got to rank one in the world, and I think my personality just carried me the rest of the way. And then watch parties. Then watch parties started because I would have. host scrims. So once you get number one where we're, I held it for like I mean getting that was crazy. It was me

and James Fearless and term K I think that we're battling and we were all just like fucking swapping. I mean you'd play 16 hours check the leaderboard before you went to bed sleep three hours wake up jack off check the leaderboard your 500 kills behind you have to go back and get it while they sleep to yeah

it was ridiculous it was ridiculous but yeah sorry what was the question would you ask what was your viewership at rank one I think there's a question after that. But rank one, I don't know. What do we got here? This is too.

She's fucking statistics. I believe this is the first year. So like this is your first year of streaming. Damn. Shows where you started and then by the end of the year you're like viewership wise. Yes. This is like followers getting in the year. Okay.

So yeah, you hit like 2K viewers a few times. Wow. Look at that first half of the year. Less than what 20 viewers? Yeah, less than 20 viewers and then bam. And then that's it. That must be rank one. That's crazy.

Is that a host right there, 25? No clue. I think it was just maybe one day no one was on. Wow. That is crazy. Average viewers for the first year of streaming 818. That's insane. I'm balling like that.

That's fucking insane. Yeah, I'm bowling like that. That's good. That's cool. It's probably not really heard of. Like, how many people do you think have done that? Their first year of streaming, there are fucking, Rando college fuck

No offense No offense And then they just start streaming And they're just averaging 800 plus for their first year I would say never probably Yeah I would say never Yeah I went out and got that

That might be a few But like shit I went out and got it Did you start watch party in the same year No The watch parties were like an evolution Oh that was the question The watch parties

I would host PS4 scrims So we'd all basically like We'd go to a server and we'd like server snipe each other So all the sweatiest fucking cretons in the PS4 world that were like And this game was popping So there were some good players And I'm still friends with a lot of them like naughty design Slurpy

Andrew All the sweatiest motherfuckers that are so good So we'd all stream snip each other and go to Iowa 2 And so And then I would get stream sniped in these games but, you know, it was a scrim. So I would probably die in like 16th, because I'm getting stream sniped.

Everyone has my stream up because I'm counting it down. So I'm dying in 16th, 17th, 18th all the time. One, because people are streamstiving me. And two, because I'm shit. And three, because a lot of people are way better than me and always have been. So then I'd be like, what do I do? I'm going to just start commentating. And I was very good at that.

So I would commentate. Take a shot. No, the drinks like came a little later on. When you realize this is a thing. Yeah, this is now my thing I would just start drinking, yeah, I would just start drinking and chill and do it So yeah, they came from me dying And then ALGS was kind of birthing around that time

It was getting bigger and bigger And so I would start to actually watch party officially those So were you actually Shit, that fucking piece of shit Were you, I can't believe this Were you actually a fan of like Apex players and shit? No, whoa, whoa, whoa, players Yeah, like, did you have a favorite?

Did you ever, like, back when I played Halo, oh, that's Walshy, that's T-square? No, I had no respect for anyone. Well, the game wasn't, it wasn't like a known game. Like, it just dropped. Yeah, I guess there wasn't like a... Halo's so different. A community that had legends upon it and he comes in.

Well, even when it got to the point of, like, I was in it. Like, I didn't fucking... You were that. You were the Walshy. And, like, early ALGS... was shit. T-square. Early ALGS was shit

in terms of prize pooling. So I was like making fun of them like actively how bad the prize pulling was while I was commentating and making more than the winners would make. Mm-hmm. And then you got blacknessed.

I was an asshole. I was an asshole is what I'm getting at but no, I did not have respect for fucking anyone. Wait, did he get blacklisted? Uh-huh. What does that mean? I can't compete in

tournaments. Can't compete in EA sanctioned tournaments or like, EA sponsored event. They, Zach, I remember Zah, Zach texts me one night. He was like,

he was like, whose daughter did you have sex with? And I was like, what? He was like, I was asking people at respawn because I think it was after an event

and they were just like hanging out with the pro players or something like that. And they were like, we don't know why he's blacklisted. It's just someone at EA fucking hates him. Damn. Really?

Mm-hmm. I mean, I guess just like talking shit on their game or something. I've said some absolutely vile stuff about, but it's been about the developers of the game. It's been about the developers of the game. developers of the game not like Is there a EA? Well there's something about

EA. I said a lot of stuff. Is there a doll tush best moments? Yes. Yeah there's plenty of those. Is that a good watch? It's that I never heard of it. There's probably a bunch of them but we watched one for like a minute. Whenever TST was doing a noobs react like consistently Matt told me to react to so we pulled up Tush and we had just been

reacting to like crackhead movement kids and then we're watching Tush. React to this guy's personnel. It's It's all funny shit. And I remember dying. Ooh, what's that top one? Eight minutes. You ain't seen that before?

Nah. Eight minutes of his best, best clips. Let's just, let's check it out for a minute. These are funny ones, though. These are him being good. Let me be,

no one's to see a shit. No, that's, that's, yeah. Oh, yeah, you can shoot the pistol. Can we start playing?

Well, you can't even hear anything, can we? He's one, he's one, he's one, 664 push. Used to, but like,

he's just not, and you get good food today? Wow, that's cool. There is, there is, there is. I hate this. Wait, I want to see it. Yeah, let's do a funny one. Let's do a funny one.

I don't give a shit about a tush clip. Yeah, let's do it. Funny and Rage. Yeah, there it is. The under, under, under, yeah. Greetings. Welcome friends. Greetings.

You can't start off a tush fucking compilation. Greetings. Who threw that God? Who, where the, how the. What the fuck was that? Who threw that? Was that God? Dude.

The first time I heard that? Bro, the first time I heard that, I laughed for five minutes. Why? Because I just thought it was fucking, because I had never met an apex guy with any sort of personality. I want to shoot this fucking kid on the TV. Why? Is he twisted?

He's such a fucking loser. What do you mean? Look at his hair. It's cool. Yeah Yeah Don't shit on the third That's not very funny Yeah, it wasn't funny You're gonna do something funny watch right here

Oh Yeah you gotta get your funny up man That's just cheaters Were you playing in an apartment or house or That was an apartment That was down to Austin Do you ever get any rate or noise complaints? No

Are there? No No Were you a screamer or to say funny shit? You played on mouse and keyboard here? My raging was always fucking screaming Back in the scoff house I actually got caught in a wormhole

Looking at my old TikToks Like if you go on my TikTok and scroll and just watch like The most viewed videos it's me absolutely losing my goddamn mind I hit the shit out of my desk Thousands of times Thousands This isn't enough rage at all No, this is

This is still you happy Yeah I did a This is just a little entertainment When you're happy I did a video with him Where we tried to We beat every

Every battle royale in one sitting And he slammed his In the middle of the We're 16 hours in He slams his controller on the ground And I hear it snap And he was like Gotta go get a new controller

I'll be right back Yeah Why was that? I can't remember why that happened Just playing with shit or? It was definitely not fucking because of video games I'll say that it was much deeper Wait, you were tweaked then? No, it's just like, no one fucking reacts

Like that just because of video games There's other shit happening inside their head Like it's never that fucking deep Oh You know? Yeah, yeah What is your top viewed video? That's a good one This one? I've made that like recently

That's good That's good That's pretty good That's pretty much me You could probably look for a rage one Let's look at the top ones Let's look at the top ones No brain rot

This isn't a rage I was watching all these the other day Fucking Overwatch Yeah Second most viewed clip of all time is Overwatch What do you get? Do you edit these yourself? No

This one sucks You can skip it It's just me fucking Just shit loot for 30 seconds. Oh my God. This is so old. That's bullshit.

Thank you. I just got controllers. Why is Timmy in the comments? That one popped off. It's Timmy's in the comments. There's no rage here. I want to scroll until I rage. No,

no rage here. I took an on stream, but no one ever knew and I got an anxiety attack. I saw that. Yeah. It's something I do. Alright.

Look at my face. That's like getting towards the end. You can tell how disheveled I am. I look like a psycho. How many nines is that? Three. That's funny. What do you think's next?

You ever gonna do fitness content? I was thinking about it. Hybrid athlete. Octane's a glover. Octane has not sex in years. In years. He hasn't had sex in years. Be careful.

That's a good one. That one popped off. Be careful. She's sexless. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, where do you think your career is headed in life? Do you still enjoy playing video games like that?

No. Haven't for years. Yeah, right. I mean, you put in. Marvel, right? You were, you were putting in 12, 16 hours, 18 hours in Marvel rivals. I mean, that's true, but like, I guess, yeah, apex. Yeah.

But you still have a, like, he's, he's off, he's not even here. That's a good point. He's off the face. He's not even, he doesn't exist. Optic dropped me. Yeah. As far as like, sorry to hear. Video games.

But like, you still like shit. That's valid. I guess, yeah. Once the passion gets going, I could rip it. But Apex, no. I guess that's a good counterpoint, though. If the game's fun. He says, you know what I get asked every day since you're not streaming?

I get asked when you are doing the Eldon ring stream. I get asked that every day. It's going to get done. You keep saying that. How long did you take to get your nipples pierced? Shut up. Did you ever do it? Yeah.

He did it. I got them both done. I think it took a year. 11th year? Yeah. All right. I got time. Yeah,

all the time in a world. I'm going to figure it out. Good point. Good counterpoint. I don't know. I feel slightly in the same boat to where I just, especially, I think it's the Adderall that fucking killed me. Did you ever take Adderall when you played?

No, when I used to play game battles on Black Ops 3. Way before you had. Way before streaming. That was a requirement to search It was fucking awesome Yeah MLG made you Yeah I just like I had a script And I'd fucking just bust out a caterpillar like this big

And we'd just all four of us Was kind of chip away at it through the night It snored it There you go Snort it? Yeah I would snort Adderall to do laundry Which is telling

Which is telling for what What I'd be in the future I was never a big snorter of it I loved it Holy shit I loved it But since then man I just

I just don't care I don't care if I win I don't care if I lose I don't care if I'm bad I don't care if I'm good I'm just bored I have no focus You got therapist? It's fucking

Do I have a therapist? No Maybe get that Maybe jump on that quick I'm almost thinking Of not getting Atterall but like getting something With a different name

No Let's go therapy first Let's go Let's maybe jump on something here Because I've tried. I've forced myself to play Halo. I've forced myself to play cod. Yeah, he's really dodging.

Insane dodge. I mean, I'm not against therapy at all. I've done therapy, and I actually kind of like it because I get to tell everything. Because I don't care what I tell them. I'll tell them fucking any and everything. So I do like it, but, and I don't know if it's age. I think a lot of it had to do with the fucking Addy. Because for 10 plus years straight, I never played a game.

unless I was on Eddie. And then, so once I get off of it, it's just like, bro, I don't want to play at all. And it's just, it's almost seemingly just not maybe an interest anymore. I can't enjoy it if it's like a fun time. Like if we do a race of prestige, huge community watching, like I can be entertaining and play and enjoy stuff like that. Or if I'm on stream and something funny is going on and decent viewers.

and I can play and dabble in with the community and stuff. But as far as, like, putting my head down and just, like, grinding out pubs or camos or some shit, I just don't. I just don't have an interest in it. And it is unfortunate because that is the world in which I live in. But I'm definitely at a point where I need to, and I've said this so many times, but branch out, but kind of stay in the same community. Definitely something with like fitness or something, but I don't know.

We'll see. I guess I'm kind of asking you, though, as well. Yeah, I don't know either, man. I don't know either. We're in the middle of it. Just don't know what to do, not sure. And it's always easy to fall back into this because it's a very big safety net that I've casted, which I'm very grateful for too.

Like, I'm not like. I'm like, am I not going 100% at this other thing that I'm passionate about? Because I just have this fucking safety net of like optic in my BTA. fucking stream so like I'll be able to pay my bills so like why do I need to go 100% at this like actual thing I'm interested in when like I can just kind of ride it out and get the bills paid and I'll be all right

but I think a lot of people fucking fan no I'm not eating that red barren pizza at fucking 11 p.m. when I'm not even hungry and fucking ice creams and crumble cookie where this come from where is this where you lost me right there a couple of you went for He kind of hit a pivot.

Yeah. Hit it because fucking eating that type of shit completely takes away from this goal, this other goal that I'm trying to achieve. Ah, yes. And since I'm falling back on this, you're like, well, my bills are paid and I got a pretty good here. So I'm not going at it 100%. So then I'll eat that pizza. I'll eat that fucking donut. But if shit hit the fucking fan, I get fired from optic.

I have to make something work within the next year. It's like, then I want to be eating those pizzas. I want to be bullshitting around. I'd be making some sort of content. I think you're saying you're complacent. Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what you're saying. Yes. You're saying you're waiting to hit rock bottom so that you can work your way out.

It's, I'm not, I would not say I'm doing that. Okay. But it's like, sometimes the worst thing for you might be the best thing for you. Hopefully it doesn't come to that. And my pussy-ass mindset actually just fucking does what I want to do, even though it is a, it will be a pivot in my life. but yeah it doesn't need to come to fucking rock cause for people to change

definitely did for me a lot of times yeah i mean mine was kind of the i was sort of the same way would you say your crisis was what was your last fucking yeah what was your the kick starting i know the last night you like puked on i lost my i lost my i ruined my relationship i lost my girlfriend i

hurt someone very badly who did not deserve to get hurt that's what did it i'll definitely do it yeah yeah Yeah, that will. Yeah, that'll do it. That's fun thing. We can all fucking... I don't do it.

We all do. Yeah. Cheers to. So that was my rock bottom. Yep. But even before that, was there, uh... Did you... The Pebble Beach thing was like two weeks before that.

So it was like a few things in a row and you were just like, what the fuck? I'm... Why, I can't live like this anymore? Yeah. Essentially, it was like, holy fucking Christ. Like, who am I? All very scary. huge thoughts all at once.

Well, it was hell. I'm glad that you are, thank you for talking about it. Sorry if we brought it all back to you. That's okay. But if there's anything that I have learned from, and you already know this, but if anything I learned from Nick's situation,

is that it's helped a lot of people. Nick has told a story and nothing like that has ever been done in our world, especially in Optic. before that we were kind of like hush hush about stuff but nick told his story it's helped a lot of people and i'm sure this will help will help a lot of people too you'd always get out of it man sometimes sometimes just talking about it sparks the idea in someone else yeah like not saying they like look up to us and shit but like they can maybe they see similarities and

they don't they don't look at us as like some fucking aidless celebrity actor who fucking drank out we're just fucking dudes and they're like dude i fucking have a problem too They fucking fix it. I can fucking fix this shit too. Yeah. Everyone can improve something in their lives and believe me, if I can fucking try to get a grip here, I can guarantee you can too because holy shit was I out of control. I was fucking gross and no control at all.

And now you're running eight minute miles. That's right. Four miles at a time. What you're doing is what me and Hitch, I don't think you even have a fucking clue. Me and Hitch have been like trying to be. fake runners for what two years? Yeah, probably six years

but like we've tried the, we try to be consistent, try to be on a schedule, tried to log a certain amount of miles talk with a coach but we just never stick with well I got injured I was going to stick with it. I got injured too

up here? Yeah. What happened up there for your mental illness? Oh those are those suck that yeah that sucks man yeah It's kind of like shin splints, but of the mind. I mean, it's really hard to make changes in less if like, because I hit probably the lowest point in my entire life and it's really easy to make changes from there. Yeah. It's hard for if your life's okay and you're doing like relatively fine, it's pretty hard to make changes and actually stick with them.

Right. Because it's easy to just kind of fall back into whatever because your life's not like you have control of it. Right. When you, like, it's a blessing that I got as low as I got because I was able to really try to bounce back efficiently from that. It was kind of like a start fresh wipe. Yeah. So. Amen.

Yeah. You ever run without music? Yep. That's what I had to for, the thoughts were so fucking loud for the first three months. I did not run with music for months. That's how I. It was hell. I hate it, but I actually kind of like it.

You did it on purpose? Did it on purpose. Just took the thoughts head on. I'm not going to lie. I kind of fell into a non-music running. I just like the sound of the feet. Yeah, it's nice. The rhythm of nature.

You're like proud of yourself. You are a part of nature. Like there's so much shit you go through. Fuck, I gotta start running. I'm going for a run. Yeah. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing the spectrum of the stream.

I'm gonna go for a run. If you want, you can, I'm going to the track tomorrow with Boo Boo Boo, do, boo. And, uh, I mean, you're not going to know this other guy, but Mike. Not Flamesaw. Uh, and maybe ATV might join, but we're going to do like intervals and shit. I have an interval session tomorrow too, but I have to fucking leave 8 a.m. Yeah, but he showed me his

He's doing, what are y'all doing? Like, sprints and shit? It'll just, not sprints, it'll be longer, uh, not sprints, but like, longer than, like, 800, instead of 200 meters, like 800 meters, some shit like that, I don't know. He's setting me it and I grazed over it, but.

Try slowly getting back into it. Yeah. You just got to get Goggins. You just got to go Goggins mode. See, that's what I did. Just have to lock in. I was on, like, it depends on how bad you.

want it? Like how fucking bad do you really want it though? I was on week 11 of training for a marathon and I David Gagins my leg. I completely forced myself to run. I did four miles when I was when my shin hurt terribly. Forced myself to do it. Couldn't walk the rest of that day but I like forced myself to go to the gym anyways. Then I like walked home

which was like three miles. I was like I thought I was David got and then next day. Yeah, you can't do it through injury. Next day couldn't walk. And then, like, weeks after, still just limping. I thought it'd be, like, a few week thing, but it was four months. Believe it or not, you're not the first person to get injured and start working out again. Well, running fucking, running, a lot of people get injured running.

Knees, hips, shins, fucking. You ever shit yourself running? No, that was stupid of me, though. Not me neither. What? Have you actually shit yourself? No. Piss yourself?

No. No. You can't piss you. You can't piss yourself. Pissing yourself as sad while running. I've, I've puked. I've puked while running.

Remember I told you one time I was fucking, one time, it was like when I was like really running like a year and a half ago, I, when I first started, I was running and then I was, it was right up here at night. And somebody walked by me while it happened and I didn't know it.

but I puked and I was crying at the same time. Nice. Like I had like just a full breakdown, mile two. Just, I don't know. I don't know why. But like I was just like, I think I was like sad and like angry and also running and it hurt.

Yeah, your endorphins. And then I just puked and then I started bawling on the side of the road. Women walked by me. Dude, I've done that. That's good. You got a good release there. Yeah.

People would pay money for that. I've done that a few times. Do you get the runners high When you're running? Fuck yeah It's got it during the half It was awesome You cried

You cried a few times If I do If back when I was up to about Like seven miles On a tough day Or even like a three mile fast Like by the time I'm done And I'm on the Katie Trail

And like Especially there's a certain album From Fred again that I listen to And it'll just start sparking shit the nature's all around and thinking about fucking whatever but that high is sort of coming down and I'll start tearing up a little bit I mean I never just like go to the fucking start hiding my face and start bawling but it's like it's that feeling of like if I've really wanted to let go tears would come down but that one time something was fucking wrong something was I don't know what

the fuck was going on I was like that like that's a nice after pukeing I love crying Yeah, I've had quite a, quite a, quite a week of crying. It's been fucking insane. Yeah, dude. That's the worst. But, yeah. Get it out. It's good to get it out.

All right. Well, I think that's going to do it unless y'all want to talk about anything else. How long? We're good, man. We got a fucking journey. Two, 15. People listen to these? Yeah.

I don't think that was two. That might be one forty-five. Yeah, maybe it was one-45. What time we had met? People actually listen to these. Sometimes. Oh, is hour 30? It's like what we did with cram.

But all right, man. Thank you for joining us. Appreciate you all having me. It was a pleasure. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You'll be back soon enough. Bigger, stronger, faster.

Marathon complete. You're running a marathon this year. Yeah, definitely. It's probably too late for me to join you. It's a fucking bougie one, isn't it? The new new no I have no that's the lottery I don't know what I'm going to run I'm not there yet in terms of my training but I will run by doing this year guaranteed I have to do a marathon for the race of prestige this year hop on it day one that was one of my goals but anyways thank you so much for watching tush for joining that's going to do it for the guys Matt Craig play the outro music