The Flycast - What Really Happened With OpTic MaNiaC? (The Truth) | The Flycast Ep. 31

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

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Ah, ma, bah. I think it works. I need to start talking. I'm the one that's, I'm the only one that's going to be talking. Where do we start? A little bit.

How was your 20-20? How was your last year and a half? It's been better. But let's start. Let's get you out of the way. Okay. You. I mean, the last time we like...

When was the last time we did this? It has to be over a year. I think it was after the infinite... Maybe two years. I mean, it's been forever. It has to be over... That's what I was trying to figure out. I was trying to look at your channel

where there's no reception here. I think it was the... Whatever, immortals. We were still immortal. Holy shit. The immortals thing hadn't happened yet. Wait. It was definitely before.

you went to Florida. No one was. No one was. Well, God, not really. Not really. It was before you went to Florida.

So it was a long time ago. It was a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. I got to find it. But, yeah. So. It's probably

be like two years. So welcome back to another episode of the Flycast. We're going to start doing these every week. wait i think i've said that before um so yeah so the uh oh here it is the florida so you were to florida the mutineers oh that's what you were talking about yeah yeah i thought you think i was my vacation i was in i thought you were just saying like i don't know i went to some vacation in

florida or something anyways damn i was on the mutineers too yeah yeah you forgot about that Optic versus Infinite post eavesdrop Optic was the last flycast Does it say the day? Holy shit We pull it up That means that was after I did the eavesdrop with Hex We roasted J Or Hex roasted J and then everyone blamed the entire infinite thing on J

And then Jay hasn't been heard from sense poor j shots out the optic jay you always hold a you'll always hold a place in my heart he's still yeah same kind of he's still in the see i mean i'll always have like uh june 6th 2019 so we did god damn we did do one in 2019 so a year and a half oh your snapchat is new nickniak is that still your snapchat i don't get on it but yeah it's just what it says in a bio yeah yeah yeah Yeah, so anyway, how was your last year and a half? Dude, I feel like I haven't talked to you and, like, definitely that long. I haven't talked to anyone in at least a year.

Yeah, I know. It's been crazy. I mean, TST, I've been trying to just grind out TST. And, you know, that's typical. That's all I talk about, all I think about, all I do. and it, you know, causes issues with other people in my life, but that's what I keep doing. Nice. That's what I do.

That's pretty much what the last year is. It's crazy that Blake and George literally went from like no, nobody in the community to like, like now. In optic. Yeah. Literally in optic. Yeah. Optic, Hitch or optic Blake. I didn't even think about it like that, but yeah, that's fucking nuts.

Yeah. Hex called them. ex called him whatever Popton got back and offered him a spot that's the loudest car I've ever heard I think it was a

Harley or some shit Yeah so they offered him a spot He offered him a spot And they joined back up Or they joined Optic Which is freaking crazy And basically we're just TST with Optic Yeah I don't even know what I am

I saw your bio still says Huntsman Yeah Why was it ever that? Because I don't think, I don't think I was a sub. No, you, well, whenever he bought your contract out, I think you were a content creator. He got you as a content creator from Florida. I don't know what I am. It really doesn't matter.

So I guess I'm in optic right now. Yeah, fucking. So how is your, we'll get to me soon enough, guys, I know. How, um, what's it like to be like i see you playing with all these like popular ass streamers or like um what's his name work something something oh marcel yeah yeah yeah just like blew the fuck up kind i think last time kind of but you did compared to like where you were at yeah i guess well at least as far as like twitch goes whenever i mean whenever we've yeah yeah you got the how many

subs? We got to 18K. But that's like, that's like super inflated. Yeah. Like we're, we're probably averaging like 6,000, 7,000 right now,

which is still insane. But you mean, it's split between three people and shit like that. So I mean, 18K was that was a crazy. That's fucking insane. That was a crazy. That puts into perspective that

formal got to 20K subs and then stopped streaming. I was like, I saw the bank account that month and I was like, how could you stop after this? Yeah. But, you know, I don't have that pro player salary. They got some crazy salaries. And everything else that comes with it. Yeah, that's true.

But yeah, also it was offseason for that. Who knows what they're fucking making. I don't even want to know. I don't even want to know. I don't. I don't either. I definitely don't want to know. And whenever they complain about doing something for content, they're like,

you do it. I'm like, I'll do it if we switch salaries for a month. How about that? And I'll do whatever. I'll do anything. So what game are you playing now? Uh, right now, well, war zone kind of sucks. So we were playing cod, but this cod is like not very entertaining. I told formal, I, I was like sitting behind him and watched him for like two or three games. And I was like, these are the first three games of the new cod that I'm watching. I haven't seen anything. Damn, for real. Yeah, haven't played it. And those were, like, haven't. even like seen clips on twitter because i just didn't look at twitter for like six months yeah um so yeah i don't know anything about it i mean it's a pretty good game it's like a

it's like it's like it's like a really really good competitive game it's gonna be fun to watch it's it'll be a really fun year but as far as like the entertainment part of it it's like if you're not trying absolutely as hard as you can it's not very so it's not fun for like your three V3 GBs. Right, yeah, yeah. It's not. I mean, it's, there's really nothing,

like, fun you can do with the game. So we're going to wait until league play comes out before we come back and try to play league play. But I think you would have fun playing league play.

I don't know about it anymore. I don't know if I'm going to even, like, dive into it. Into, like, gaming at all? Um, I don't know. That's what I was,

I was trying to think, Like, there are some games I think you would like really like you could enjoy. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. I don't know. It's like it's going to be a new experience. Yeah.

I'm excited to see what you do though. I'm nervous. I just got nervous like thinking about it. Like that first time turned something on again. You're like. So. They're probably like what the fuck are you talking about? I'm sure a lot of people understand.

Yeah. I'm sure people know. How is your last... Wait, let's start from the beginning. So, the optic split happens. Everybody kind of... Ah! The optic split happens.

Everybody kind of goes their own way. Mike goes... Mike, I haven't talked to Mike since we left. I haven't talked like face-to-face with Mike since we left the Blaine Drive house. So, I mean... I haven't seen him for every year. I mean, still got a lot of love for him.

I just haven't crossed paths with him. Yeah. So you, you, I had to like, last minute leave that house. So I didn't like say goodbye to anybody or anything. I just like hired a mover, moved out because Aaron and Ida got us a place. And so that's like, because like leaving that house is like last minute. Do you remember that? I don't even know.

Yeah. Yeah. It was like last. Yeah, I found a place to live in like a week. Right. That's how ours was. Yeah. So I didn't know what was going to happen.

And then the Optic thing went to LA and everything died out. Everybody left Optic, like made their videos and tweets or whatever. And then I thought, I didn't know what was going to happen because I didn't know if Hex was doing anything else with like another org or if he was saying he was going to make an org from scratch. And I was like, dude, don't do that. Like you've already done this. Why would you do that again? which he ended up not doing that thank god and partnered with somebody but then i didn't know i knew he was going to bring seth over and set and four will over uh or four will was going to join

back but then i didn't know what was going to happen with like everybody in the house so that's when you went to florida and i didn't know how that happened how did all that happened damn we're starting from back there because like that's how long it's been i don't know I really don't know. Basically what happened was Oger 2 randomly hit me up. Okay. And, damn,

I feel like I've explained this in something. I just forget what. But Oger 2 hit me up. It was like the, I guess, like sort of like player manager. Yeah, I know he was working with them.

So he hit me up and was like, hey, I guess the least, the league was just starting or it was like super new and they were like hey this is the deal we have to have two substitute players

you don't have to play and me just having like a following and shit and they know they're not going to use their substitutes anyway because and I was like well what if something happened

to where like someone breaks their hand or something what I have to play and he was like no he was like there's like thing in the contract to where like they can technically pick up a amateur player. And I was like, and he was like, which would be better than you anyway. I was like, okay. So I knew joining them that I just never would have played.

Yeah. So I was like, okay, yeah, I'm down. And then there was like a guarantee, the guaranteed salary for just being a substitute player paid by the league. Yeah. I was just like, okay, nice. And then basically my obligation was to just like stream some, upload a few videos a month and basically go to events. Did you upload those videos? I think I was doing like one or two, one or two a month because I was still with Linda at the time.

Right, right. So I had sort of stuff in real life. I think I would do like a vlog or two a month or something like that. Um, so yeah. I think we saw each other a few times during that. Like, I think we like went out a few times. Probably. Holly's birthday, baby.

Were you there? I think it's like concrete cowboy. Yeah, we like hung out then. We hung out a, I think of, I think a. Yeah, I remember I got in a fight with Linda that night. Did you? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it was because it doesn't even matter. Yeah. I think I remember you saying that. I got like pissed off and like, we laughed. early. Damn, I forgot about that. Yeah. Holy shit. So, yeah, I was a part of the mutineers and would just go to events with them. You did media days and stuff. I saw you.

Yeah. And fucking. So on YouTube, whenever the league was, matches were going on, it'd be like, go through the teams and shit and like, I'd pop up and I'm like, take me off of that. This shit's embarrassing. Because everyone knows I don't, I didn't, wasn't. even like playing cod at all yeah like people were a lot of people war zone so a lot of people in the community were like pretty pissed off about that too which i which understandably so i'm like i was like taking up a spot like literally taking up a spot right that like a call a duty player i guess should have been it right right it makes sense it's all for the salary point of it but the thing is is most of the time those sub sub players don't play they don't play even if even if even if the other

person who retires, they don't pick up the subplayer. I mean, sometimes it does happen. Which it's like, technically, I was more beneficial for the org. Just because I had a following. So it's like, they gained some fans and shit and just like a little bit. It's all for like merch sales and things like that. Like that, that's way more important to an org on a business side of things than having a really good player on the bench that's not going to play anyway.

Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. So like technically, but I do understand. The little that I did bring to the team would be like more than a call duty player who's a lot better than me, but they just don't. They don't have a following really at all. And much at the time I didn't have there wasn't like much pool to my name. People just still liked me, I guess, from the optic days and shit. But I wasn't like, I wasn't fucking banging on Twitch or YouTube.

But also at the time, like, Optic was dying. There was a lot of word with Optic. Like, people were talking about Optic at the time. So I guess it was just sort of interesting. And anyway. You also just wanted a fucking job. Like, it's not like you're going to turn that down whenever all the shit is happening on our side of things where everyone's breaking up and going their separate ways. And then even Tugher hits you up and is like, hey, I got something for you.

And I told Hex. because Hex, I don't know if he just signed with energy or was like working something out with energy or who we worked something out with at the time. But a few days after I signed the contract, because I told Hex, I was like, hey, just to let you know, Ogre 2 hit me out to join the Muniers. And then a few days, I'm going to sign the contract with them. So like, let me know if you're doing something and would like me. and then like a few days after i signed the contract hex hits me up and was like don't side don't yeah basically i remember that he texted me he texted me about that because he didn't know the energy thing was happening until after you signed but he was talking but he didn't want to give you

false you know what i mean he didn't want to say don't sign well and it's just hacks so it's like in his head he probably was didn't think i was like a hundred percent going to needed to sign and I was going to sign in the next few days. So I'm assuming he just assumed that I would be readily available. Right. So then you were on the mutineers for a year? Yeah, there was probably like a year. Before that Huntsman thing happened?

Before you came over the Huntsman show? Damn. And then I guess we can fast forward to the Huntsman show. Yeah. So like, well, what was that year? You're like on beauty, or was that just pretty much the gist of it? Yeah, nothing happened that I didn't already say. Stream a little bit, upload once or twice a month and show up to events.

You're like streaming war zone, and then that's when you switch from Warzone to Halo? I switched from Warzone to Halo, probably like mid-2020. I remember I broke up with Linda. and then after that, I was just like, I don't know if I started playing Halo or if I didn't do shit. But I know I broke up with Linda and then just went into like zombie fucking don't leave my apartment mode. And then it was probably like mid-2020 where I just said, when was it that HECS had me on the show? because I think I was playing Halo at that time.

You were definitely playing Halo for sure. It was probably mid-2020 or something when I started playing Halo 3 for whatever fucking reason. And actually... Well, that's when Halo 3 came out on the PC, right? Yeah. Because we were all playing...

Yeah. We were playing reach for a little bit. Yeah, I started playing literally in like June of 2020. I started playing Halo 3 again. And then Hex invited me on the show. and I think in my head I just thought it would be like catching up

and that they just like wanted a guest or needed a guest you showed up and you were like please don't ask me questions about the mutineers because I'm not going to be able to answer so he invites me on and then that happens in which kind of

really took me by surprise and I was very emotional at the time. Yeah. Just in life in general. So like when he hit me with that, it all came out. Yeah. So I cried on camera again.

And then we did our little dance shit in the hallway. And it's like, ah, they're back. We're back. and then I disappeared again. Yeah. You disappeared immediately. I stopped showing up to work,

yeah. Quotes, air quotes. Just stop showing up at all. Stop texting everyone. And that went on for the next like six months. Well, yeah, it was like a three-month period or it was a two-month period where you don't show up. And then you apologize to everybody.

and you came in twice. You came in for that day where you were fucking out of it, dude. You were so fucking out of it. And then you came in the next week, and that's what TST was here. We played the mobile game, do you ever?

And so Blake and George were here. And then I didn't see you until yesterday since then. Yeah. Watch this first two days ago. Yeah, yeah. Three months.

Yeah, three buds, something like that. I didn't see anyone. So it's like, there's probably like a five-month, six-month period where I saw you twice. I knew it was bad when I almost texted Bose and was like, why didn't I see you yesterday? And then I saw on like Twitter, like a Twitter clip or something. And I was sitting beside Bose. And I was like, what the fuck? I don't remember that at all.

That day, I was like, I always had like a panic attack that day. next day. I was texting my friends like I was texting Alexis and I was texting my mom. I was just like, because they're like, is it like okay? And I was like, not really. I like hadn't been, I'd been like trying not to think about it. And then I was like, I don't like, I, because you told me a story that day. That day you told me a story and then you repeated the same story three times. And after the third time, I was like, I like thought you were having a stroke or something. I was like. So weird. Because Because at the, when I was there, I didn't feel. Because I know whenever I'm drunk, like, for instance, whenever I did that.

But you weren't drunk. No. Yeah, whenever. But like, whenever you're drunk and, like, I can feel, I'm like, oh, shit, I'm slurring my words. Right. Yeah. But, like, I thought everything went smooth. And then when I watched it back, I was just like, oh, my God, that's bad.

Just the fact that I was literally going to hit up, like, text Bose and be like, why didn't I see you yesterday? And then I see a Twitter clip of me literally sitting beside Bose. Dude, if you were to text in him, he would have been like, what the fuck? Literally recorded like a 10 plus minute video with him. And that was the day you were like, was that the day you were just fucking laying into those kids in the, uh, the clip review? Yeah. Dude, that was the day we did a trivia. It was me, you, and Seth.

Bro, I was trying to talk to you and it was, you were looking at me like this. Like, and I was like, Nick. And we did this thing where you like held, whoever held the trophy couldn't talk. Do you remember any of this? No. Whoever held the trophy couldn't talk.

And we were passing it between me, you and Seth. And you like didn't understand what was going on. Because trivia is a 2V2 and we played with. three people. Right. And so whoever held the trophy wasn't allowed to talk. And whenever you were holding the trophy, you were like still talking.

And I was like, Nick, you can't talk right now. I don't remember that at all. Dude, I'm telling you. I was like, I literally texted you the next day. I was like, dude, is everything okay? No. Oh, shit. So after that, so my first day back on the job, then it goes so well.

Well, that wasn't the first time. Wait, wasn't? Was it the first time? There was only like two more times. The second time I remember I felt a lot better. Oh yeah. So I think it was the first time. Yeah, yeah.

Because the second time you came back and you were like, I'm done with everything. Well, I remember even saying that I think I might have said this publicly, that I, I had Ativan, which is kind of like Xanax. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think you did say this on the X's vlog, right? Yeah, I said it somewhere. And I was like, and it's the truth that, like, I had the bottle for a little bit. So like the bottom of the bottle had like just broken up pieces.

And I just like stuck my finger in there and just like put it in my mouth. So it's like, I don't really know how much I got out of that. Right. But we saw how much I got out of that. of that. Whatever it was, it was a lot. Because I was also just, like, really nervous about coming back for the first time.

And just, like, I know before that I was up for probably, like, days or something. Yeah. And to, like, try to get sleep, I took some. And then when I woke up, I took more. And then I showed up. And then that happened. And then the second time, I made sure not to do that. Yeah, yeah.

The second time I could, like, breathe. And then it went normal. I think I texted you. I think I texted you like a few times because we didn't even text that much because you never responded whenever you're on your fucking thing. But I would, I'd be like, dude, I'd like,

I think I texted you the second time. I was like, dude, thank God. Because I was like actually worried that first time. Yeah, a lot of people hit me up. I can't leave that.

I just ignored. Yeah. I was like to Roger was. Oh, wait, was that was. Because I didn't know it was bad. Yeah.

So it's not like I. the next day I woke up and was like worried. Yeah. It's like next thing I know there was Twitter clips and like I remember Hex telling me he was like, I don't know how you were funny, but you were still pretty funny, but God damn, like something like that. You were pretty. I mean, yeah, you were funny. But I think it was the worst was in that trivia video because you were funny in the clip video,

like really funny in the clip video. But I was just like, Dave. All right. So after that, I basically ghosted everyone for the next two to three months leading up to like Christmas. And then Hax his text or Roger, who like coordinates everyone to like get there basically got the hint that I wasn't going to show up. Right.

So they stopped scheduling me and I was like, yes. because it like let me like I just felt like I could breathe and like I didn't feel like I was like I knew I was letting everyone down but like just knowing I didn't have to show up even though I knew there's going to be consequences yeah at the time I was just like good

so I literally ignored everyone and this is at the end of 2020 for those still listening like November December yeah November December. I'm ignoring everyone and I'm just playing Halo 3 nonstop. And then we got to the point where Hax texted me and this is, I think my mom even reached out to Hacks. My mom reached out to me and I'll get into these stories a little bit. and I was even ignoring my mom, my family,

and then Hex texted me a little before Christmas and was like, let me help you. And I texted back, I was just like, okay. Is that what you said? Just okay? I don't know. Something like that. I was just like, you know, like, okay, like, yeah, I need it.

um so christmas happens and i spend christmas in my bed ordering door dash yeah and just like you know christmas ends and um um on december 28th of 2020 i went to rehab for um taking a lot of drugs, being a drug addict. And it's something that you've known that I've been doing for a while. And I've always had my spurts of like being really bad. And then I'd like force myself off of it or just like stop for a little bit. And I would, and people will probably see the, the, what's a word

people can probably think back to times when I was streaming a lot I was about to say yeah like people are gonna look back at your old streams put two and two together

and be like this makes sense now but I would go like months at a time of taking a fuck ton an unheard of insane amount of Adderall yeah And then I would stop. And Adderall doesn't have that bad of withdrawals.

You get like, you get like super depressed and just tired for like a week or two afterwards. And you basically have to spend the next week or two in bed. But there's no like consequences of like dying. Yeah. So I'd be like kind of. So I never like was worried about. something happening to me. It just fucking sucked for a while.

So, and then when I would not take Adderall, I would, I had absolutely no interest in playing video games. Right. I would kind of like start going back to the gym and figure something else out. But this whole time, and I've been doing, I've been taking Adderall, I started in. Well, you were like prescribed it for a bit. I was taking out of all. I started in middle school and I didn't like it so I stopped.

Then at the beginning of college in like 2010, I took it for an event for the first time. And I fucking dominated. And then from then on it turned into kind of like a tournament thing. and I was prescribed it but I was just like I didn't like taking it I took it for college a little bit but I didn't like taking it

if I'm like if I have to go outside and shit because it would make me like a zombie and then it didn't get bad until the end of Halo 5 then Halo 5 was Halo 5 who cares and then 2017

I remember 2020 was the worst year of my life and then 2017 has to be like second Scuff House Yeah Yeah yeah yeah McAlpin

Right Yeah because you I forgot You like hated that room for a little while That's when I would During those days Yeah That's when I would go on my sprees

Of like 16 hour streams Every single day except I would turn off my stream and keep playing for like another day. That was whenever. Yeah, I remember that was when like H1Z1 was the thing. And like you would play a shit ton of H1Z1. And basically that went on and off, mostly on until 2020.

In the beginning of 2019, I didn't take Adderall for six months. and then it kind of got to the point where I was like well, damn, this shit's pretty boring too. I had a girlfriend at the time, but it's like, if I wasn't hanging out with her and we weren't like doing something, I like didn't, I had like no drive to play video games and like that was like my job.

Is that what you were getting like testosterone too? Yeah, during that time. Yeah, which I actually, I was going to call them today to get it again. That just helps with because mine's like naturally low. Right. So like that helps me. It still doesn't bring me to normal,

but it like helps a little bit. Yeah. With like energy and shit. Um, but I like got into working out and shit. Then like mid 2019, I started taking again. Um,

and yeah, it was just taking and taking all the way up to mid 2020 or March of 2020. COVID hit. And I was in my apartment with Linda all the time. And then I was, and I was just like going insane. Because of like multiple reasons.

Not only the drugs. And I say drugs because we'll get to some more. And so March of 2020, I'm not looking at anything. I'm just, you like looked over here. Well, I heard the wind outside. So March 2020, I broke out with Linda relationships over, and I went just like, that's when I really went ghost and like really started just like not giving a buck.

Yeah, you didn't tell any of us that you broke up with Linda either. Because if you would have told us that you broke up with Linda, I think one of us would have been like, why don't you come stay? Because I feel like we knew that you were like a taking time off. Right. Yeah. Because that was before, no, you were still with, you were still with the Mutineers. Yeah. Just for like a few more months.

Right. But I started like ghosting on them too. So I don't, and I don't know. That was when you first went, right? Do you want to talk about that? No, no, no. Oh, shit. I forgot about that.

That week was hell, dude. That week, TST was here as well. And I like was freaking out every night. Damn, I forgot about it. I didn't tell any of us that you went to a... Holy fuck. Okay. All right.

So to let everyone know, this entire... I've been taking benzos and shit since, like, started off, like, every now and then in, like, 2013. And I would just, like, kind of take them as needed. Then, like, towards 2015, 2016, 2017, I started taking a moral. often I started buying Xanax off the streets, the streets of Shirek. And I just, that became sort of like a daily thing in my life. And no one, everyone knew I was bad with Adderall, but no one knew. Yeah, you told me a few, like, you let it slip every once in a while.

And I'll be like, wait, how much are you taking it to that? Yeah. But I didn't know how, like that it was. It definitely was more than, well, I didn't need. any of it right but it got to the point where if I didn't take it then I'd feel really anxious it so I needed it just to not feel right like withdrawing so I was doing a decent amount of Xanax and a fucking unheard of amount of Adderall and I went early so people were probably people were wondering where I was for 30 days

these last 30 days and I was in rehab the entire time stayed at a place here in Texas. I'll get to that in a little bit. Yeah, I lied. I lied and told everyone you went to go see your mom. Just so you know. Yeah, no. I think my mom told me.

Okay. In 2019, in the beginning of 2019, I was still with Linda. And I went to a rehab. I like checked myself in because I was, I remember like just sitting on my bedroom floor, like literally like sitting on the floor in my bedroom, like Indian style, just like crying to Linda, just like how depressed I felt. And I was taking a bunch of Xanax and a bunch of Adderall. And I was just like sick of it.

So I was like, well, I know with Xanax coming off of it, you can like die. You can have seizures. So, and I'm scared of that. So I want to go to a place to like safely detox and then I'll be good. So I went to this place to detox. It's like 45 or an hour. away um drove there myself checked in and then i was there for like a total of nine days and linda came visited me once and i it was just purely detox there was they had groups and stuff

like everyone else was there for 30 days um right and there was groups that like they kept pushing me to attend but i was like nope nope nope yeah I'm here to detox. So I sat in my room for just nine days, watched TV, and that's literally all I did. And then I left. I left there without, like, a therapist or, like, anything set up.

So I pretty much got back and was still, like, super anxious. Linda was still around. Dude, that's, and you didn't tell. Oh, yeah, let me not skip that. Yeah, you didn't tell idiots. I didn't tell any. I didn't tell any. the only person that knew I was going there was Linda.

And I told her, don't tell anyone. Just say I went home. But then you didn't tell your mom. You should have told your mom. I guess they would have covered. Yeah, I just didn't want to, I didn't want to worry my mom either. Yeah, yeah. I get that.

So I told Linda, and I was in my head, I was thinking, I disappear all the time anyways. Right. Like people, I'm like known for ignoring texts and like, or like not replying to text. I guess just not for like if they hit me up multiple times within like a week. Well, the thing is is when we texted you, the bubble went green. That's what it was. Okay.

So you had it tweeted. Yeah, my phone was off because I had to give it to them. Yeah. And you hadn't tweeted in like two days. And like, Beau's text to me. I was like, yo, you heard from Nick? Because like, he hasn't texted. He hasn't tweeted in like two days.

Hasn't liked anything in two days. I was like, oh, shit. No, I haven't. So then once somebody says that, to be. Then it's like a three-day process of every day I wake up. Check your Twitter. Check your message. And then Bose texted you and it went green. And so at that point, I'm like, oh, my God. So then we, so then it was like us messaging Linda, hex messaging Linda. And she was like, Linda was just trying to hold it down. She did hold it down to be fair. She was like, no, he's

with his mom. Like, it's fine. Like she's talking to. And then and then the only thing is is, she kind of you kind of set her up because she was like no he dude it's really crazy we were we were how he has wild thoughts during this time but she told everyone that you went home like you just said

yeah then Tugger text your mom your mom says I haven't heard from him so then we're like what the fuck did Linda do to Nick that's where our mind was poor poor Linda I don't think we ever apologize for that but um So basically, they thought I got murdered by Linda or something. That's pretty much exactly what we thought at the time.

But then Hex talked to you because he finally got it out of Linda. She was like, yeah. Well, that's when they, Hacks showed up with the cops to my apartment. Right, right. And so basically, you know what's crazy is I got a phone call or I was allowed a phone call. So I called Linda just like say what's up. And then I call and she was like sort of frantic. And I was just like, oh my, I already like kind of knew what it probably was going to be.

And then she told me Hector was there with Bose and the cops and like they have to check the apartment to see if I'm alive and shit like that. Yeah. And she put Hex on the phone. fun and Hax was pissed off. And I was just like, I'm in rehab. And he was like, he was kind of just pissed and just like gave Linda the firm back. And then Linda said the cops wanted to talk to me. So I talked to the cops.

And I was like, hey, I'm in rehab. I just came here to like detox and I didn't tell anyone. And I told Linda not to tell anyone. He was like, okay, well, you don't have to tell them anything. Um, but, you know, we were just called out here to make sure you're okay. And that's just like, all right. And he was like, all right. Later.

Um, so. Yeah, I guess texts found out I was in rehab and was getting out in a few days. And yeah. And then I got back. Do what he texts to me? And then he was just like, you know, he said like, you know, sorry for, I guess doing all that. Yeah.

But I was just like, you know, don't be sorry. Right. Like, I'm sorry. Yeah. And it was just like, you know, was just worried about you, obviously. And yeah, I got back. Am I missing anything? I don't think so.

Not from that. But I remember at that time, that's what, like, initially we were like, okay, I'll help your, like, like, I hope everything. Everyone was just like, you know, like proud of you. Right, right. Good. I'm glad you were like. I got a lot of respect for Linda as well during that time because she tried her best to hold it down.

Yeah. I mean, it would have fucking hex is coming at you. Like, what could you do? So at that point I was, but then if you, that's why if you would have told us that you and Linda broke up, we would have been like, okay, like, come stay at my house for a little bit or like something like that. Yeah. But, um. So I get out of rehab and mom. March of 2020, or it was a rehab place, but I just went there to detox.

It's there for nine days, came home. It was still, like, super anxious, was trying, like, a few different medicines that they were getting me. And I kept getting, like, diarrhea and shit on them for whatever reason. Then I finally found one I liked. I remember one time I was driving with Linda to go get a prescription. I was, like, having a panic attack while driving. And I was, like, about to pull over.

But basically... I was thinking in my head, like, I guess our relationship was getting better at the time because we went through, like, a little rough patch where it's just, like, it seemed like we didn't, we were just starting to get into, like, arguing and a little bickering. It's just, like, it was becoming annoying. Then it was getting a little better, but, like, I thought that if I, like, got sober, that, like, my head would be clear, I would be fine, or, like, in, like, like shit would like just seem better but it like didn't so I ended up breaking up with her

and was just like I can't like deal with this I'd like wake up with a pit in my stomach every day right because like I just and will like bicker about something every day and it was just like fucking annoying so the relationship ended and then once it ended um she never liked me taking Adderall. She definitely didn't know how much I was taking, but she knew I would take it. And she, I would, I definitely hid

the amount of Xanax I was taking, but she knew I would take a little bit. It'd be like, like, she'd see me take like a fourth of one just at like night or something. Like, really, I would like take one in the bathroom and then like, then take one like in front of her. Right.

Shit like that. Um, and then when we broke up, I was just like, fuck yeah. Now I can just like do whatever I want. Yeah. I was like, this is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life, was to have my, because she was living with me at the time. And I always wanted my own apartment and just like total freedom.

And I never got that because right when I moved into this apartment, she was there every single day. And it turned into her like basically living there. Yeah. so i never like got that my own apartment and just like do whatever the fuck i want to feel so it's just like fuck yeah and then i just started buying adderall again and i i haven't been prescribed it for like three years since pretty much moving to texas is when i kind of got stopped they stopped prescribing it because they're a lot more strict here and they told me to see a psychiatrist

if I wanted to get a refill and I said okay but I just never did. So I would just find plugs around here and buy Xanax and Adderall. And then once we broke up I just started taking a shit ton

and that's when I started ignoring the mutineers and then the mutineer and I kind of like disappeared for a little bit. Then next thing I know the mutineers and Hex had that deal. and then like then the show happens

yeah and then hex invites me to a show I'm like shit I need like two days to like kind of sober up right and if you don't know whenever you stop taking out of all you like you're just like emotional um so

like I come on that show and that shit just like hit me and I was just very emotional and was not expecting it and like still on like in that time period I was taking a shit ton of Adderall so I'm like basically crashing while on the show

and that's why he hits you with the news because I remember you were like you were talking to me and you said dude like we'll talk about it later but you don't understand like I had no idea this was coming and like it's been a crazy couple months is what you said and I was like I don't know what you meant by that I thought

I knew I thought you were talking about you because I knew the first we had thing had happened and then you had broken out with Linda. You and Linda weren't together anymore. So I thought that's what you were talking about. But I didn't know you were going on these big vendors, I guess. Yeah.

To put it in perspective, I was taking anywhere from like, all right, well, my schedule was. This is going to blow people's fucking mind. My schedule was stay up for like three to four days and then sleep for like eight to 16 hours. And then wake up and take again. Then like, I didn't realize it until I just got back from this rehab, but I had a pill bottle. Like, I sleep on the left side and my pill bottle's on the right side. Like, I'm sleeping with my pill bottle because I wake up and I would take and just like wait an hour for it to kick in and then I'd like get shower and shit. But I was taking anywhere from like within those three to four days, it'd be like,

Like anywhere from like at least 300 milligrams to like 600 milligrams. And I remember one time about like 500 pills at once. And I was just, I was spending so much money on drugs like Xanax included. And, um, just taking them like skittles. Like I'd wake up. I'd take five pills. I'd wait an hour till it kicked in. Then I'd finally get up, shower, sit down at my station, take another five.

Those are like five. 30s. 30s. So it would be one. 30s, for people that don't know, 30s are like probably the maximum amount that you can prescribe. They are the maximum amount. And one pill. And you take five of them.

Yeah. To put it in perspective, if you don't take Adderall, a normal person would take a 30 and be up for a day or two. Right. If they, like, just started taking a 30. Yeah. Like people that, people that have ADHD that are prescribed at all, most of the time, they're like, 10s, right? Or fives, I believe. Or 20s. Unless they're very like severe cases. Well, you'll gain a tolerance of it.

That's true. But like most people will be on like a 20 milligram and like that will like have them zooted for the day. Right. Yeah. But for me, I would wake up and take 150 milligrams and just wait for it to kick in to go shower. And then I would go shower. Sometimes I would order food. I would eat. eat like because another side of sorry another side effect of adderall is that you are very focused but you also it wipes no appetite it wipes your hunger away your appetite away so it's it's a very weird since i was i i've never been addicted to it like you have but there was a stint in the scuff house where i was i like look back at myself and i was like okay i need to stop it was like this picture, Hex caught me, you remember how Hex fucking didn't vlog,

caught me coming out of my room with a wife meter on, and people started linking me that picture, and I was like, skinny as flex, skinny as fuck. And that's, after I'd been taking, like,

a lot of it. And that was to, like, doing vision and MW2 wagers. And I was like, okay, I need to stop doing that shit. Yeah.

I didn't know you were going to mention it. Yeah. I've mentioned it before. Oh, Probably not this publicly, but I've like talked about it a few times on my stream and stuff. Yeah. I mean, there's been times where you took more than you should have, but you were never fucking your life up. Yeah, yeah.

I was definitely addicted to it at one point in my life. And that was during that time in the scuff house. And when I got off of it was that slap in the face that Hex's vlog brought me when I, because like when you, you don't see yourself. Like when you like, whatever I was on. What, do you look at the mirror and shit? You know what I mean? Like that kind of stuff.

Yeah. So that was, I mean, that was 2016. It was five years ago now. So. So take $150. Shower. Then I'd sit at my station and take another $150. So before I even, like, touch a video game, I'm on like $300.

Dude, that's. And it was, it literally makes me play. It would make me play worse. Right. But it would. I guess give me so much dopamine to where like it's okay. Like you thought you were having fun. Yeah, I thought I was having fun.

But really I was just a fucking zombie. Yeah. So like, you know, next thing I know I'm up for three to four days. And this was nonstop for like six months straight. I'm up for three to four days. sleep 8 to 16 I'd be crashing on like 600 milligrams and that the crash would be so severe that I would just be like crying every single not every single night because I would be at my station for three plus days but like every time I would go to or like lay down to sleep it became a tradition

to take a shit ton and like I was taking I would take so much that like my heart would start racing so i'd take xanax and kind of just like doing a cocktail thing uppers and downers um and i would take so much that my crashes were so bad that i would just the last two to three months in 2020 i like cried every single time i went to sleep but it almost became a thing to where it like felt good like it was kind of feeling it was kind of like nice listening to i would play sad music on purpose because it would like trigger my like crying right and like crying and like crying felt good it was fucking psychotic this is or your last before you went this time yeah this is before i even or yeah this is before i went to this last rehab uh i was just taking

so much you guys were hitting me were hitting me up i was ignoring everyone I ghosted from showing up to the escorts for two to three months for videos. And then hex texts me or actually, yeah, hex texts me a little before Christmas and was like, hey, let me help you. I was like, okay. And my mom was hitting me up as well. And like, if there's one thing I don't like doing on Addie is like talking to, People you love.

Yeah. Yeah. To like, because they can just like tell something's off. And I'm like so cracked that I can like barely even speak. But my mom's hitting me up and I'm ignoring her. And then my mom's boyfriend or not boyfriend, my mom's husband. My stepdad calls me and he never calls me.

He never texts me. Right. And I ignore it. I'm like, oh my God, what could that be about? And then, and I'm just laying in bed staring at my phone. And then he texted me and was like, Nick, you need, Nick, call your mother, please. Um, or she's going to fly there tomorrow. And I was like, oh, my God.

And then I was still so cracked that I didn't even call back. I texted him and was like, tell her I'll call in like an hour. Right. Because I had to like take Xanax to like calm down to just be able to like, Like function. Yeah. Whenever he told me that, my fucking just like heart and stomach. Yeah. I just like sank.

And then so an hour later I'd call my mom and like right when she hears my voice, she starts like crying. And we just like talk about what's been going on and I tell her everything. And she's always like known I've had problems on and off just like being really addicted to drugs. and she because of like the COVID and stuff I'm like don't come up here I'm gonna hex reach out to me he wants to help me I think I'm gonna fly to Arizona and go to this rehab and she's like okay good yeah and like I think her and hex talk and you know spend Christmas in my apartment or in DoorDash oh my god there's so much like

I just got a flashback of one time I ordered food I ordered food at like 2 a.m. after being up three to four days and I could not stay awake until my food got there and I fell asleep and I woke up like three hours later I'm like fuck

I'm like oh that food seems sounds so good right now I go outside and it was raining and my food was at the front of the leasing office just getting poured on by rain and I still took it up to my room and ate it Oh, my God. Holy fuck.

There was, there was, so it was like a, like chicken tenders and fries type shit. So like the fries were ruined. But like, I was like, oh, the chicken, it's just water. And I ate it and I felt sick instantly. Oh my God. I was psycho. That's like fucking. Yeah.

That's like documentary shit. There was also another time where I was just up for so long and I was eating ice cream and I woke up to the ice cream thing just spilled over on me because I just like passed out. And that's from like the Xanax as well to where because like you can't necessarily. So what I mean is I don't know anything about Zana is Xanax like a it's a anti-anxx. Okay. So like any time, which was all the time that I would like feel nervous or any kind of anxiety or dealing with stuff in a normal.

stuff in a relationship that would just make me uncomfortable. I would just like take a pill. Right. So you're basically using Xanax as like a way to cold down so you could sleep, but then you got- No, I could sleep. It would just feel better if I took something with it. Because like you can sleep after being up for three to four days. That's true.

Yeah. But I was taking it during the time I was awake. And then sometimes I would start feeling tired. but I would like the Addy is still in my head or in my brain so I like wanted to keep playing and just like staying awake

was like a high to me yeah so I would just take more and I had like a borderline unlimited supply yeah so I would just take a fucking shit ton like I remember one time

I bought 20 I bought 20 viance 60 milligrams and I got them that evening which is vivance is an off brand

yeah vivance is just pretty much adderall um I bought 20 of them that evening and then I took some took some

and then the next morning I'm looking at my baggie and there's only seven left so I took 13 just that night and it's so it's like 13

times 60. What the fuck, dude. And then later on that day, I took the following seven. So in like two days, I took 20, 60 V-Avances. That's when it, because I got to see the bag that I bought yesterday. And I get to see that all 20 pills are gone within 24 hours. Once you take it, you have a tendency to just forget you took it and wait for it to kick so you don't have you don't have you don't have you don't count how much you don't even like

want to count right that's the thing is like that's how you get lost in it is you don't you're like oh could I use 20 more right now and it it would just any excuse I could like ponder up like I would take some to start playing and then be like okay I'm starting to play good let me take more and keep this going then like I'm playing good and then it's like I start matching say like there's good teams searching and team hardcore right and i'm like okay this will be fun let me take more then i match them and then it's like they get off and then i i'm not really crashing but like it turns into 7 a.m and i like start playing team snipers randomly or i'm like feeling i just feel myself coming down a little bit i'm like okay let me take more and then it's

in the afternoon and random people are playing like money eights and I'm like okay well let me take more and just any excuse I could find to take more yeah um so that was my

Taylor three fucking spree at the end of 2020 2020 uh so yeah the shit happens with my mom and Hacks and I was going to fly to Arizona for rehab. It was like a really nice rehab place in Arizona.

Yeah. And Pex calls them to like, I guess set the shit up. And they say that there's one in Texas. So we're like, okay, well, it was only, it was only like 35 minutes away. So we're like, let's just go to that one. And we go to or so I get sent to that one. Because you're like fully prepared to fly to that Arizona would. Yeah.

Wasn't it until like the day before. I thought you got... Yeah, I mean, it only took, like, a day to, like, like, Hex was basically like, all right, we're going, you know, tomorrow. Right. So, Hex, like, pulls up to my place to take me to this rehab in Texas. This is on the 28th. And he, like, text me, I'm here, and I'm, like, not packed yet.

I'm like, fuck. Right. So I pack. I'm like, I'm trying to figure out I'm there for 30 days, but, like, I know there's going to be like a washer and a dryer. I've been to a rehab place before. So I just like throw shit into a suitcase and I get there. I'm trying to think if I want to or if people would be interested in like I guess how it goes.

First, me and Hex pull up to Texas. First we pull up to Texas nursing. Hex told me about you guys went to the wrong place. We went to a nursing home and like we pull up and I'm like, this can't be where I'm stang. Yeah, it was like a run-down place, right? Yeah, and we go to like the back door, and I'm just sitting there with my suitcase and with hacks and a lady kind of like, and I just see like some old people and they're just kind of like

looking at me in the back, like what? So they like prop open the door and they're like, can we help you? And I'm like, yeah, I'm checking in for rehab. they're like this is a nursery home or a nursing home a nursing home and we were just like oh what the fuck okay thanks

Hank said you auto to me what thank fucking God yes I was like thank fucking God because that place looked fucking ghetto and it was it was in the it was just like look it was run down it was in the middle of like yeah it's just in the middle of the fucking road and I was like

There's no way. And Hax was like, yeah, I wasn't going to let you stay there. Yeah, yeah. So we go to the real place and we pull up. It looks a not a lot nicer. It's out in the middle of the country and shit. We pull up. A nurse comes out to like check me in and stuff.

She's like, when's the last time you like took anything? And I had not, I used my entire supply of Adderall. And I knew a week prior that I was going to be going somewhere. So I just like stopped taking and just like slept for a week straight. So up until then, I hadn't taken Adderall for a week. But on the drive there, I took Zanax. Yeah. Just like super nervous.

And I still had. Well, I'll get to that later. But I was like, I took on the way here. And they, you know, they do a COVID test, up my nose. fucking not the one that goes to your brain but like it was just like a better one they just like swab both my nostrils um do the whole i guess questionnaire process say goodbye to hex and i was checked in first night i'm there the first like hour or two was just a fucked in a question so just like how you feeling i'm like i actually feel pretty good

because I just took Xanax. So I'm like, I feel fine. And they send me back to my room. I get in the room. There's like two twin beds. So I'm like, fuck, I'm going to have to share a fucking room. And there's no TV. I'm like, oh, no.

Oh, no, I have to actually get help. So the first night I just like slept and shit the next night or the next day I wake up. Uh, oh, fucking, when you're in detox, they have to, like, make sure you're alive. So the entire time, I'm getting woken up every fucking hour and it was just pissing me off. Like, I don't, I feel like there's got to be, I mean, I guess they have to check if you're alive and to make sure you didn't have a seizure. Right. But, like, God, that is, that cannot be, like, healthy to just wake someone up every single hour. and like it's not even like they shake you and like wake you up it's just like when they open the door

you at least i wake up every single time i'm sure that really i'm sure there are cases though where yeah like i became friends with the guy in there who like has seizures seizures from drinking um or like detoxing so it's like you know for his benefit they have to yeah and they just treat everyone like that so the first night i get in there and I just sleeped all the time, except they're waking me up. It's kind of like pissing me off. I think I talked to a doctor or something or a psychiatrist or something. Next day, they wake me, they wake you up at 6.30 in the morning.

In detox, because of COVID, they would bring you your breakfast. So you would just like, I would just eat in bed. And then I would go back to sleep for like 30 minutes to an hour. and then they wake me up and I'd have to talk to like the nurse and then an hour later they wake me up again and I'm getting my blood pressure taken then an hour later the nurse practitioner comes in to like just talk to me and then an hour later the psychiatrist comes in to talk to you and then so that goes on I had like no sleep and then next or yeah that evening I'm just like laying in bed I haven't talked to anyone I only saw maybe maybe like two other people being there. And that evening, I'm just staring at the ceiling laying in bed. And I'm just like antsy. I feel like super irritable.

I'm withdrawing. I'm sweating. Fucking. And I just feel like I'm about to have a panic attack and I like start getting scared. Like in my head I'm thinking like, God, I'm fucking day two of detoxing. And like these fucks aren't giving me any medication. Like I go from. taking benzos and

which is Zanx and like Adavan for like six years straight to just completely being taken off of it and them giving me I forget the name of it but them giving me just like a super light it's not a

benzo at all it's just like it's something else to sort of help with anxiety but it's more to just make sure you don't have a seizure and they kind of just like let you suffer with the like real withdrawals and the panic and so i'm like freaking out and i'm like fuck this and i like get up and i walked to the nurses station i'm like you guys need to like give me something because

there's absolutely nothing to do here i'm just laying in my bed and staring at the ceiling um and i don't know if i said something about like like i knew hex put me up in this place and i know like, Hex got recommended this place by someone else. So I knew it. I know it's not a cheap place. Yeah. And I'm just like, how the, like, how the fuck am I just laying in there? Like, with absolutely nothing to do.

And I'm just like freaking the fuck out. And you guys can't do anything about it. Like, I am, I refuse to just lay in there and, like, suffer. And they're like, uh, you can sit in here if you want. I was like, no. So I sit down And I'm basically just complaining to them And I'm like I guess like you know

You guys can't really do anything But it's so I'm like sorry I'm taking this out on you But just like I don't know what the fuck I was to do And I'm like cursing at them Just throwing like a temper tantrum But like even till this day with like a clear Sober mind I don't think that's how it should be

I know that's how it is wrong but like yeah they have to consider the amount someone should suffer especially like the first few days and basically i was complaining so much where the nurse like texts the psychiatrist and he's like well you can just give him i was taking this like really dog shit anti-anxiety medicine which like hardly did anything if anything at all i would take that four times a day if anything i was just like placeboing myself. So he's like, you can give them one more of these. And I'm like, and I'm thinking to myself, like, the fuck is that going to do?

I was just like, but I'll take it. So they just gave me like one more of those and it helped for like an hour or two. I was like, I was like, this is barely helping. They were like, you want nicotine gum? And I'm like, sure. Holy shit. Like that's the best you can fucking do. Which dealing with addiction shit.

like they're not going to give me a benzo when I've like told them my history with them but they're like well one guy just checked in he's in the TV room I'm like there's a fucking TV room which I probably wouldn't have gone to it anyway because I just like isolating

and staying in my room but there's no TV in my room at this place so I was just like okay fuck and they're like yeah he seems pretty chill you can go talk to him and I walk in the TV room and he's like kicked back with his legs up on the chair. And I'm just like, hey, what's up, man?

He's like, what's up? I'm like, um, I think I'd just like explain. I was like, you probably heard me out there bitching to the nurses. And I was like, I'm, I'm day two right now and I'm just like, you know,

I've been taking anti-anxiety medicine for so long and they're not giving me shit. I'm just like chewing his fucking ear off. Um, And he, I was like, so you've been to rehab before? He was like, no, this is my first time. I was like, what the fuck? Like, he was so chill for just, just getting to rehab.

He was like, yeah, I went back to my room and sat on the bed and then was just got up and went to the nurses and was just like, now what? And they're like, oh, there's a TV in there. And he was like, okay, I guess I'll watch TV. but he was chill as fuck and he ended up become him and this other guy in detox they ended up becoming just like

my good friends in there and it was it turned they really got me through detox because shit would just be hilarious we basically like just made a shitty situation good because there's no TV in rooms or anything we

we would always just come to this movie room and detox where I was at for like three four days and i would i would take my other twin beds blankets and shit because i didn't have a roommate because covid and i would just lay them on the floor in the movie room and it basically would like turn into a slumber party and we would just watch movies all day and then we wait what the fuck what um my lady that cleans my house was like i'll be there in 35 to 40 minutes. I'm like, what the fuck?

Can you come around dinner time? What the fuck? Why would she just come? I talked to her yesterday and said, hey, would you be able to come tomorrow or the next day? She's like, I'll let you know. And then she's just like, I'll be there in 35 minutes. Like, anyway, um, what was I talking about?

Oh, no, it's basically turned into like a slumber party and detox. Um, that's detox sucked. But then I got out of that. And we did a few groups in detox. So we're like, we'd all sit in a circle and like, hi, my name's Nick. And I learned the whole like saying of like, hi, my name's Nick. I'm an addict. Or most people in there were alcoholics.

Right. So it'd be like, hi, my name's blah, blah. Alcoholic. Hi, Nick. Like, like that's how when people say that, you respond like, hi, whatever. name is um there was so that i only met with the therapist or psychiatrist like once in the first like week but once you get out of detox i moved to like the real world their real like rehab facility yeah the real rehab facility where there was like 20 people already there and um

basically a real we all three from detox whenever they're together so that was nice to like have other people coming over there with me yeah um we got food and like a few people said hi to us and there's a few people younger than me a few people like one or two my age and then like mostly older people so a basic day there um would be wake up at 630 in the morning every day like they wake you up and you have to go get your blood pressure they call it your vitals right you go get your blood pressure taken 7 15 and you have to stay awake or they'll come wake you up 715 it's breakfast after breakfast um or at 815 in the morning it's called on awakening, which is basically you get a, all right.

You get a word for the day. You get a positive affirmation and you say your goal of the day. And everyone in the, everyone in the rehab facility goes around and everyone says their shit. So it'd be like, hi, my name's Nick. Hi, my name's Nick and I'm an addict. Hi, Nick. And I'm like, my word of the day is truth. My affirmation is I deserve to be happy.

And everyone, yes, you do. By the end of the rehab place, I was the person who would just be so like fakely enthusiastic to where like, if I didn't say something, it was just quiet. like everyone would be like hi or hi my name's brittany i'm an alcoholic hi brittany and like like i basically turned into like the class clown there right and they'd be like uh my stick words blah blah blah my affirmation is i deserve to be happy and i'd be like yes you do then my goal is to a lot of people would be like my goal for today is to stay positive and make it through the day And I'd just be like, good goal. But like sometimes I would fuck with people where they'd say their goal and I'd just be like, that's it.

Or I'd just be like, meh. Or like the end of the goal or not the end of the day. You basically do that same thing and you say whether you, it's called wrap up, where like it's the last thing of the day we do and you say whether you say your name your name and claim um your word your affirmation and whether or not you're you did your goal and people would be like uh my goal for today was to finish my timeline which a timeline would be something you present to like the group basically explaining your life story right like I did one as well Um, like my goal for today was finish my timeline.

And I'd be like, and what'd you do? They'd be like, and I finish my timeline. And I'd be like, yeah. And like everyone would start clapping. So like kind of became like fun. Um, so yeah, that's 8.15 in the morning. 9 a.m. is the first group. Um, most of the time it'd be like an educational group where it could be.

education on depression anxiety love addiction sex addiction alcoholism what drugs do you do your brain and blah it can just be anything right 10 a.m. was the second group and that would be sometimes it be a process group which is basically everyone in the building would be half of us would go to like one therapist and another app would go to another therapist. And there it would get like more personal. And that would kind of become like your inner circle. To where you can just say whatever the fuck you want.

And like I had a few times where like telling my story or like shit that I resent or have regrets of in the past. Like you could, you know, like cry or whatever and no one will judge you. Or you could one day this dude kind of like freaked out on the. therapist and it's just like you got to express yourself and like there's no judging or whatever um that would usually be the group at 10 then that would be like an hour hour and a half 11 30 is lunch after lunch sometimes for me it'd be nap time and a lot of other people would go to like the TV room where there was like two guitars and like I learned to play a little guitar actually. Yeah. Because every I was playing every day because there's nothing else to do.

Then a lot of people would go out to the smoke hut. I smoked like maybe two or three cigarettes, a few like black in my house. But like I thought nicotine would become like a thing for or I didn't want it to, but I'd be like, there's nothing else to do. Like I might as well just smoke. with everyone else, just to like socialize. So people would either hang out in the TV room where there is a TV, but it's not allowed to be turned on until like 8 p.m. when we're finished everything. So like you can't watch TV during the day. You're like, you're either fucking around talking to people playing guitar.

There's some board games. We played cards against humanity. We played yachti. I learned how to play dice. But by some. people that were in prison. This one, he's from Argentina or something. But in prison, there's bloods and crips, which would mostly be black people.

Then there's Chicano's, which are like Spanish people. And then there's woods, which are the white people. And I was just like, like asking him questions. And I remember we became like pretty good. I was just asking him questions about prison. What's, what's it like? And I was like, so were you a chicano?

He was like, yeah. And I was like, so if like shit happened in the yard, which is like where prisoners play, like you'd have to fight white people and shit like, he's like, yeah. And I was and then one day he was like, he was like, you know what? You're pretty cool, Nick.

you're a funny guy if you know if you if you ever go to prison i got you man and i was like would you let me be a chicano he's like yeah i was like hell yeah finally out of the woods yeah and then that's all me never want i would this other dude that went to prison and he's white i was like fucking wood i was like calling him a wood and shit but he was he was really cool and it was just like I was just fucking around. What were the ages like there? I became pretty good friends with this one dude who was 18. And he was like a boxer and like his shit was pills.

And we had a, there was like a sort of like a heavy bag in the gym. And like from the first time I saw him, he would like kind of go to. it and like hit it a little bit and i just like uh all right not gonna fuck with him and then i come to find out he's a boxer and um like he was pretty tall pretty big hands were big as fuck um and he was 18 and like pretty sure you have to be 18 to be in there right they're older and then all the way up to like 60 65 right i think was like the oldest but most i would say most of people were like 40 and over then there's like two or three of there's like two to four of us that were like 30 to 40 then there's like five people that were 18 to 30 right um but i became pretty good friends with

most people um anyway to finish the day so we'd eat lunch at 1130 at 1 p.m would be another educational group where it could be just any education about alcohol or drugs. Most of the people there were alcohol, like 90%. At 2 p.m. was another process group, which is like talking to your therapist. And then like sometimes they would pull you out for their therapist one-on-one meeting. if you need to see the psychiatrist, the nurse practitioner, who can, like, prescribe you stuff. But mostly every day was the exact fucking same.

And then at 3 or 3.30, we'd go up to the gym, and there's a full court basketball court. It's just a gymnasium. There's, like, a mini gym on the side of it. We played volleyball pretty much every day up there. Right. So that was pretty fun. I was the most, I'd say, athletic there.

With, like, people were so bad. If you served it and fuck up, you get a rehab redo. Because everyone would always fuck up, like, their serve. So it's on your first serve, you get a rehab redo. But sometimes we'd play horse or pig or whatever. yeah um then after gym you'd get like maybe 15 minutes uh to like shower and then dinner at 5 o'clock after dinner you or 6 o'clock is phone time so after dinner you'd get like an hour a little more than an hour to chill.

Still no TV, no nothing. Like, you just talk. Then at 7 o'clock, sometimes we'd have a speaker, sometimes we'd either have a speaker come in or we'd have an AA meeting, which is where it was probably my favorite. Second favorite.

My favorite was the process group of like sitting in a circle and talking with the therapist. And then my second favorite was the AA meetings at night to where we would just say a topic and then we'd say like someone would speak and like kind of get the thing going and then like it kind of just goes quiet and whoever wants to talk would just say hi my name's james i'm an alcoholic hi james and then they'd say whatever's on their mind and i found i don't think i said or no i actually started talking pretty early on and just like explaining myself or just like kind of explaining my situation to the entire group and

shit that I have problems with and it's basically like therapy and everyone's just all ears for you right and that would last an hour and then like you'd fill out paperwork every day and at the end the day you finish this paperwork turn it in and once everyone turns your shit in you get the TV remotes and you could watch TV for like two hours until like 11 p.m. They'd give you one snack per evening, which would be like a NutraGrain bar or something. The food was pretty good. There was too much fried food though. But food was decent.

You'd eat breakfast, lunch, dinner. You'd have one snack per day. And like, other than that, you would have to like buy chips or something out of the boutique, which would only open like 15 months. minutes like four days a week but yeah and then we would either be in the DVD room which had a DVD player which I hadn't seen the god knows how long and you could watch movies um which had to be approved or you could just watch regular TV um like half the group would be split with movies so I'd bounce around I spent a lot of time reading in between classes or like if they're

There was an hour break after lunch or after dinner. I did a lot of reading. I read one book I took there like three times. They gave me an Alcoholics Anonymous book and a Narcotics Anonymous book. And I read through like some of it. But it was the Alcoholics Anonymous book was written in like 1940. So it's just very outdated language. And like it wasn't really my thing.

So I started reading the Narcotics Anonymous. book which is like drugs and addicts and or whatever um and yeah at 11 p.m. it's lights out you can sit in your room and read and shit but uh uh yeah most times I would just read a little bit eventually I got an older roommate and we became pretty good friends I actually talked to him on the phone yesterday and that was pretty much my stay for the rest for the whole time. He talked to him on the phone and he's still in? No, he left like a week or two before I did.

And then like he, a random Texas number called me. And I thought it was going to be this outpatient place that I'm going to, which is like rehab, but you show up for three hours, four days a week. Yeah. And they drug test you and shit. So I can't do any drugs for the next like two months. next ever. For the next lifetime?

Okay, good. Well, pills. But even like weed and shit, I smoked pretty much, I might as well just say everything, but weed I smoked pretty much every time I would lay down to sleep. But I've said this before.

Weed like kind of gives me anxiety half the time, but like, it got to the point where I just didn't like being sober so much, which is the main point they tried to like drill into you while you're there. I feel like I need to sneeze. Yeah. But the main point they would try to drill in is like drugs aren't your problem. Alcohol is not your problem.

Your problem. Yeah. Drugs aren't your problem. Alcohol is not your problem. Your problem is that you can't stand being, you can't deal with life sober. And can't deal with it with drugs either, but like you get the point. So it became like, yeah, they would teach you about drugs, but for me and what I realized was most beneficial for me was to learn how to deal with life without drugs. and like just that drugs weren't my problem alcohol surely isn't my problem because i would hardly

drink i'd hardly go out and i would never drink alone um but the problem wasn't the drugs and shit the problem was you and the problem my psychiatrist in there would always just be like the problem is up here it's right it's what you think about it's how you think about what you're thinking about. And that's kind of what they drilled into me. A lot of other people, and I kind of feel bad. They would like, they like fully weren't, they would like blame other people or just like save their lives, which is really easy for me to say because I've like such a blessed and like pretty easy life. But that still doesn't mean up here it's easy. like in my head

like I know how easy my life is but in my head it's like I still like battle with these demons for whatever fucking reason they're in there and like they go back to your while you're in there they talk about your childhood and what could be like deep rooted

inside of you shit that I like never talked about blah blah but a lot of people in there would be would just like make excuses of like how am I supposed to deal with kids or wife or husband or job or blah blah blah and it's like they would it's like they weren't just admitting like because when I was in there I was like it's me like I don't have but it's also very easy for me to say because it really is

just me yeah you don't have kids wife yeah I don't have that external stuff to blame but at the end of day even those blaming that it is just them really because people you can find someone who has 10 kids and they're happy

like someone has it worse than you but they're still happy so like it's not your situation it's how you perceive your situation right because all the like the times of

where I'm stressed and shit, and I take a pill, everything seems alright again, but nothing has changed. Right. So, like, why can't everything be all right if I'm not taking the pill? Right.

Like, why can't I, like, train my brain to, like, think like that when I'm not on a pill? Because nothing changes. Yeah. Your situation is still the same, but... So now I am...

I learned a lot in there. I learned about my addiction and just how they were like normal people don't have to think about stopping they're just like oh I just I drank a little bit too much I'm good or like oh I took too much too many milligrams I'm good or I shouldn't do that again right or this sucks but for me it's like they call it an allergy to where like and there were studies that like

addicts brains are different to where like different receptors will light up differently and blah blah I don't fucking know the scientific shit but like when I take something I have like an allergy

like if I take drugs I have an allergy in me they just call it an allergy it's not like I mean it could maybe be an actual allergy, but they call it an allergy to where if I take something, I crave

really hard for more. To where the normal person would just be like, okay, I'm good. But me, I crave for more. When I come down for it, I want more. And when I take more, and I can take more than other people.

Because if anyone else took like the amount of Atarol that I took or Xanax, like they're knocked out. Like I've seen some of my friends take Xanax and like they're face down and their pancakes. Right. Yeah. So it's just like everyone's different. You're taking like seizure level.

Yeah. I've taken like just full blown. there was many nights where i think that's legitimately how juice world died right he just took a shit time to sannex to try to hide it and then died from the seizure and it's like with the mixture of adderone mixing it increases your chance of like having a seizure or your heart stopping or whatever yeah so there is plenty of times where like Especially with the Adderall, I took so much, like, where not that I wanted to die, but I was, like, okay with the risk of, like, I'll risk it for the biscuit type shit. And, like, my heart could stop.

And that would suck if it did. But I really want to take then, so I'll risk it. and there's probably plenty of times where I just like mix so much I've just mixed so much that like it very well could have happened. Maybe if I was like unhealthy or if the Xanax or Adderall were pressed with something else. Like they were saying that like I was getting so much Adderall that a lot of my fucking Adderall could have been pressed with like meth or like shit like that. especially getting it off the streets. But, so that was my, so that's been my last year and a half. Yeah, that's fucking, yeah, so from like our side of it, I don't know, from, from our side,

I mean, that's, you had to have been, like, anxious talking, like, coming over here, right? Yeah. I was really anxious before, like, in the beginning of this podcast, you were talking, like, you were talking and I would just want to be like all right just actually just let me like get this over with um because I was like when you were talking and in my head I'm just like fuck I'm gonna have to say it I'm gonna have to say it yeah but yeah it's been like it was a huge weight off my shoulders to like one finally say something to the public and it'll probably a lot of my like actions will make sense like yeah just for example the one or the esports awards i was really drunk but i was also taking xanax at that time as well oh i didn't even know that yeah holy shit so like you had that for me too yeah and it's not even like i was like trying to hide it right i'm not gonna tell yeah yeah um because you guys have known about my drug use for like pretty much since i joined but just no one

one ever knew the extent. And if I had a bad month, I would kind of slip out of it to where like I had one friends in the house and two,

hacks would come over all the time. So it's like I didn't have that freedom of just being able to just do whatever the fuck I wanted to do. Do you remember the scuff house when I kept it for you? Yeah. Yeah, there was a time of the scuff house.

I literally kept it and you would have to come ask yeah and you would have to come ask for it and then i that's how i would i would like write down how much or i would put it was like a little tally yeah just so that you knew how much was going into it yeah i was taking so much and just i was taking so much and just like it seems no one a decent amount of people will be will like sort of understand what i'm saying right but there's going to be people that don't understand and they're going to like just be like what do you fucking mean you don't know how much you were taking or you don't have control of like the amount

you were taking it was just like it's really hard thing it's really hard to do when you're really high off like so much and a combination of different things and um you don't want to know either so you don't keep track right that's like the biggest thing is you don't want to know yeah it's It's like as legitimately as it's going into your mouth, it's already leaving your brain. Like you don't even want to know that you just took it to the point where 15 minutes later, you can't even remember if you took or not. There was so many, like there was so many times. It was almost every time I would take.

I didn't know how much I was taking. Right. I'd be like, wait, did I take an hour ago? Be like, wait, how much did I take? Did I take one or like three? But that would happen every single night that I took. And something I've realized since being, so I would,

you would hold my Adderall and I would have to like come tell you or like ask you. I remember one time I left to go record to shoot Vision and I hope he's okay with me saying this, but I gave it to PJ. And I was like, don't like, don't let Nick come find these. And then PJ would text me and say,

can I give him one? Because he's asking me for one. And I'd be like, you can give it to him, but you have to keep track. of it. It's like, dude, it was,

yeah, I mean, but I didn't know. That's why whenever you were living alone, I was like, oh, fuck. But from the other side of it,

whenever you started, like ignoring people and people, we started knowing what was going on, or not even knowing what was going on. It was like so hard to get contact with you because you weren't going to answer phone calls, weren't going to text, or weren't going to answer texts.

So then. And you can't get to my part. without like a fob and shit the only person who had the key was mike yeah we knew mike had but even then you'd have to like go in through the the only way to get to my apartment would be like going in through the front leasing office which like the workers are there and you kind of have to say like uh need to get to this apartment number because like all the doors outside require a fob which i'm the only one that has it yeah yeah so then i would uh like i would text you a lot and then bose would text you a lot bows and i would always talk to each other about like whether he'd answered

either one of you then um hex was like i'm gonna go over there with my brother knock the door down that's what he said and uh then the day before of course he said that the day before he was going to go over there with with tubes uh bows bows told me that he was going over with mike because mike had a key but you had top locked it so they couldn't get in and then they said they were beating on the door i wonder if that was them that one day they were beating on the door you didn't answer if they were beating on it i wasn't awake because no one's ever beat on my door yeah i've well you know there's no way mike went over there and yeah you know mike was like hitting it that might be even worse because like,

because you had to, I'm passed out. You slept through it. Yeah. And that's when you did it. They said they came back and they were like, you didn't answer. And I was like,

how did you leave? Like, how can you leave if he's, he's in there? And then I, and so I legitimately, every single day for like three weeks straight, I checked steam on my phone every day

to see if you were online. And you were. And multiple times. You were online that next day. And I was like, well, he's not fucking dead. That's good.

And I was, literally going to call the cops because after that day you had signed on for six days on steam and so I was calling the cops the next day but I had talked to TJ and TJ was like well he has six other accounts that he gets on so you're not going to find him on that and I would appear offline on Steam because Hex started messaging me on Steam so I started messaging me on Steam so I started appearing offline yeah so it was like it was literally like I would talk to TJ or PJ try to figure out where you were. I was talking to,

Bose would talk to me, and hex, me, hex and bows would talk to each other. So we just, I'd try to find anyone. And then PJ was like, I was literally about to just introduce myself to Gilki and be like,

hey, I'm Davis. I just need tabs because he was like, the only person he plays with a lot is this guy named Gilki. I was like, well, I got to talk to him then. That's funny.

So that's what it was like. Kind of. Just the gilky part. so yeah but uh literally i was gonna i was legitimately about to call the the cops but then you texted me that day and that was when that was when you texted me and said something like hi i was like hey how are you man and then you said something like this shit is fucking stupid and i was like i agree it is stupid yes it is so that's when uh that's when uh that's when you're hex had told me you talked to your mom and then hex got me in contact with your mom so we were

like talking and stuff and then you were like well and then i went home for christmas and we we i think we texted all christmas day because that's what that's i was like because i wanted i wanted to see if you were if you were going to fly home but i knew you said about the covid stuff yeah so then uh so then you were like hey can you watch my cat and i was like shirt. I literally texted Aaron the day before I left and was like, hey, can y'all watch my cat for a month? And he was like, I don't think he replied for a little bit. And then I texted again and was like, hey, you have to watch my cat for a month. He was just like, okay. Then I think I texted you the same thing. And then you were probably like, yeah, I'll watch him. And so drop the

cat off and off the rehab. Yeah. And the rest of his history. It was a cat dad for 60 or for 30 days. Yeah. How'd you enjoy that? It was, it was fun. He was a cuddly little kitten. Yeah. How would he, how would he lay on you? He would just, I would lay on my stomach, like, or my back, watching TV, and he would come up and do the little thing and need, and then, uh, and then he would just fall asleep, like, right here. And I was like, would he lay? because with me he does the same routine every time to where he'll like get up on my chest and then he'll like lay down but then like his body will pop off

yeah yeah he just fucking uses everyone that's hilarious that's good though that he uh that was another thing I was like scared about and I was like we were like talking it was like I don't know how he's getting money

for everything and then I don't know if I wasn't. I just drained any money I had. Right. So I don't know Because I probably spent If he's being healthy like eating healthy

Because he wasn't eating. All I was eating I had one of two options. For six months I either ate I hop For one I door dashed I didn't cook for nine months straight From March until I left to rehab

Every time I got food Was either I hop or this place called Zalot Pizza. Dude. So from IHop, I was about to say Zalat is fire, but I'm sure you're fucking over it. So I would either order

or DoorDash IHop and it'd be mozzarella sticks, chicken tenders with fries, and I feel like I'm missing something. But that was one. Or Zalat pizza would be like an 18 inch large pizza with saracha ranch

dressing with a Caesar salad and I would get a Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough. So it's like every time I order food, it's like $30 to $50 worth of food. And it fucking on top of the amount of Adderall is taking on top of it being sort of hard to get here in Texas. So I was just getting ripped off every time. Yeah. I'd pay at least $10 a pill. And so I'm like eating, let's see, $10 a pill and I'm eating like 10 pills before I even start playing. So it's like $100 just to get my gaming session started.

And that's every day. Jeez. That's fucking. And then that lasted for like, that was like nine months. but it got it was really bad in the beginning but then it got like really really really

so it was like you want to like a three month bender and then like a those two days you did content and then another one and those two days you get content you were like no I'm not gonna be not gonna do it anymore and you were like telling me

the horror stories of like the last time I remember telling hex I was like I haven't taken in a week and then I started taking yeah yeah you were like I haven't taken it's it's like like bullshit.

You started saying all that. And then I was, I literally was like, well, did you get rid of it? Like, did you flush it out in toilet or something? Did you get rid of it? And you were like, the last thing I heard you say to me was like, no, I didn't get rid of it. But like, I don't, I'm not going to take it. Like, it's not like a risk to have it there. And I was like, and I was like, do me favor.

Like, when you go home, just don't like flush it out in toilet. Well, and then I didn't talk to you for three months. Whenever, uh, I got back from rehab, hacks came in. And I told him, because I made sure to use all my Adderall before I left. I was like, well, I guess I'll enjoy this while I can. I'm sure. A lot of people. Enjoy air quotes.

And then he came in with me and I gave him to my bottle of Xanax that I still had. We flush that. So now I don't have shit. And I am 33 days sober. of like nothing um that's good maybe you feel like you look like you feel like yeah i feel good um i'm clear i feel like i have one thing i would my memory was fucking horrible i all the time i would all the time i would forget shit and i don't know i guess it's both adderall and x but like i would always forget shit. I would be talking

and literally forget what the fuck that I am I saying? And like I would forget that even like subject I'm talking about and just completely blank out. Like my mind was just fried. I looked like a crackhead. I remember looking in the mirror and just being

like just amazed at how skinny I got especially up until I was leaving. Just how skinny I was. I probably went into rehab like 160, which is the skinniest I've been in like five, like four or five years, five years, easy. And while in rehab, I gained 30 pounds and 30 days.

Then, yeah, I don't know. I just feel I'm definitely like super, not really super, but I'm nervous, like, because, of just always numbing myself with benzos and shit. I would be nervous, but only for a short amount of time until I took to numb it. So now I have to experience the whole, like, being nervous. And, like, whenever I've been going to, like, AA meetings and whenever I had this, even at rehab helped a lot with, like, I would always just be forced to sort of do things and like my biggest fear would be like

sort of public speaking and just like speaking and having the whole room quiet so rehab helped me just like whenever I get that like people in these AA meetings people like tell their stories and from sort of the beginning I would take I would tell mine

and it got me sort of in the momentum of just like almost every A meeting I would say something. Yeah. Of just like whatever came up and whatever I felt like I had to get off my chest, even if I didn't think, even if I didn't know if it would like sound intelligent or be worth something, I would just say it anyway. And while I was in there, I just found out like I feel so much better after saying shit.

Yeah. And like even with this, like, even with this podcast, like I feel. so much better just finally saying it. And like I, of course, already know that people, I already know the nicknames I'm going to have. Crackyac to go with Neac. Addie Neack. Adi Neack. Zaniac.

Drug Neack. Which, if you're going to use that, at least like... Be creating it. Yeah. But I already know what's going to come with saying this. But it's definitely worth it to me to just fucking say it. Get something I've been like hiding kind of from like my fan base for sense joining optic really. I've always I've been using since joining Optic but like y'all didn't know until like a few years in. And then even when it got bad, y'all didn't know to how bad.

it was but it feels good just like because like now I don't have anything yeah like a hide yeah it's like it feels good it's finally saying it and it's like people because people used to come in my streams or like and they would say how much addy is he on and I'm thinking in my head you don't want to know right yeah um I forget what I just ended in Owen yeah yeah we had to change the battery, the camera battery. So I forgot what we were talking about. But, but, but, like, with, with everything that happened, like, how do you feel, that's going to be a weird question, but how do you feel about your, like, situation and,

like, everything that you went to in comparison to, like, the, like, the use of, of Adderall, like, in our jobs like in the gaming community the gaming community because it definitely not saying that you know it wasn't like an addiction problem that you personally had to deal with

but I'm sure that shit did not make it easier like seeing it literally everywhere um and also that's got to be nerve wracking I guess going forward yeah well the thing for me that it doesn't like trigger me like of course seeing it i'm like i'm like i don't feel like a crack head

who like sees crack and it's just like yeah because i feel like i just like did so much of it that like right now i'm just like so i'm just like turned off by it right um of course like when i'm in bed at night and i'm just bored i'm like fuck this would be like this would be when I would start taking usually. And then like that would just turn into like me taking all the time. But what's the only, not the only, but the main shitty part for me is that taking, I haven't played a, when I was doing my GTA videos, I wouldn't take out at all. and that's it

2016 no that would I'm the GTA videos in 2019 but I like just got with Linda and I was doing the role play videos yeah the GTA role play streams

not videos okay but I wouldn't take Adder off for that and that was about it in my like entire sort of span with optic except like the very beginning

I would only take when it mattered or I felt it mattered. But besides that, I have always been on Adderall for every game that I've played. And I just have no... It's not even that I think my skill. My skill is going to be worse. low-key might be better. It's not going to be...

It's weird how it tricks you. It tricks you and it makes you think you're doing better, but really you're just more motivated to play. Like you just want to play. Yeah. I don't know. It's weird. Yeah, because honestly, if I ever competed again,

I wouldn't... I surely would not practice on it. Right. Practicing on it, no i don't think that's good um but i just have absolutely no interest in playing video games unless i was on it that's why i would go like months without streaming or anything because like i just do not and i don't know if it's because i'm i'm sure some of it has to do with just like getting older but i think a lot of it has to do it just like

becoming addicted to playing video because video games aren't the same after taking out of wrong right like you're just they're just shittier they're less entertaining and I don't know what it is but I just have no interest in playing video games without it and so like that's where I don't know what I don't know what direction I'm going to go with because I'm only on day three of fresh out of fucking rehab so I still

I'm going to be in a outpatient program for the next two months I'm going to be going to like therapy and because a lot of like I said most of this is like

it's not about the drugs it's about like my mindset being sober or just my mindset in general is like shit that I because just because I'm sober it doesn't mean I'm not like still fucked up in certain ways um so I'm gonna have to like that's a whole new journey in itself especially while like being sober and not being able to like numb myself but I'm going to an outpatient program which it's going to be four days a week three hours three hours on these days I need to get like back into the gym and yoga and I want to find

some kind of like stuff to fill my time um so i'm kind of just i don't really know um i'm sure i'm going to start streaming eventually what i'm going to stream i don't know thinking about like minecraft it'll be like some more chill game and who knows but i can't i have no idea like where my life is going to go. Maybe I'll well, I'll always, no matter what, I'm going to always be around. Yeah.

You're going to see more of me. Like, people might hear that and think like I might like disappear or something, but if anything, you're going to see a lot more of me. Yeah. Even if it's, it might not be the 16 plus hour streams, but in some ways, or another you're going to see me we always had you ever have these conversations where we were like

one day we're going to talk about it yeah wow i wanted to say something like that because for the longest time me and hex were talking about when am i going to like just say to the public yeah of like because i always wanted to just say it and it was going to be last year in 2020 on the eavesdrop But I was just like never Ready for it or In the back of my mind I like knew I was gonna I just wasn't done yet

Yeah So I just like never wanted to do it Because I was like I don't want to say it And then like two weeks later I'm like back at it again It's like every time Whenever you diso If you disappear or if you start streaming for 15 hours

It's like people are gonna Like, no. And that was like, well, that was the scary part. And also, I don't know how, I remember you saying that you didn't know, or you had to talk to your mom first. But I'm sure that was a whole demon in and of itself is figuring all that out. Yeah, and she always knew. She doesn't even like hearing me talk about hearing,

because she's going to listen to this. And like, hearing all this, I don't think any of it will be a surprise. to her. I don't think she doesn't know how much what milligrams mean without at a raw shit. Yeah. She won't really understand like how much. She just knows it's a fucking shit ton and she always has known I've like abused it. And she just like trying to do shit about it.

And you can't really do shit about it until like it's just up to that person. Yeah. As like sad as it is, even like everyone I met in rehab. a guy I met who it was like his third rehab and he was like yeah um or like fourth or fifth and he was like most of these people in here even though they're in here saying like you know everyone seems normal and they say they're going to change and like this time's different we have this like fellowship of like you know we're all let's all stay sober and shit the reality of it 80% of them are more are going to start using again.

A few people in here are probably going to die soon. And it was just like, and that's been the case with every rehab I've been to. It's been the case with every person I've talked to that's been to multiple rehab. And it's just like the reality of it is like the person's not going to stop until they are ready and they want to stop. Like there's nothing else you can do. Yeah. And I'm just had a. point where I've been through it so many times, even though I'm like young compared to the other

people that have been doing it for like 20 plus years. Just, heck, it just like worked out and I almost like knew it would, well, I tell myself this, but like I almost kind of knew it would work out. I did not think it would happen like how it happened. But like once HECS reached out to me and like I blew off everyone in a way that I never have before to where like I straight up disappeared for like when I say I didn't leave my apartment for like nine months. I probably left twice and that was to come to the Hacks quarters that like two times. Other than that I didn't leave it all. And my situation was never like that.

I was always in a house with people and be forced to like go out and do stuff. and be held accountable for certain things. So, like, it just was at such a point. Like, it never has been before. And once, like, hex texting me, I was just ready. Like, I was just, like, almost waiting for just, like, the opportunity to just, like, I guess in rehab, you'd call it surrender. Yeah. I was just, like, waiting for the opportunity to surrender and just fucking give it up.

Yeah. Because I was just like over it. And I was just blessed. And I'm just like blessed with my situation. Yeah. Yeah. You got some people looking out for you. That's for sure.

Because even I don't know. Because even in rehab, people would be like, my family doesn't understand or like, how do you tell your friends? And I'm like, what do you mean? Like, all of my friends. No, I'm like the only fuck up out of all of them, really. But that's not true. It's not true, but...

It's not like you were a fuck up. Well, I mean, like, I'm the only one that's... That was, like, abusing the fuck out of shit and, like, fucking up my life while doing it. Yeah, I mean, I just... That's the biggest... It's like, what do you meet somebody that's, like, addicted to something? it's like this weird you have this weird

thing where like you don't want to like you're not going to judge them for it especially if you're really close with them but you also want to help them but you also don't want to peer pressure that or not peer pressure but you don't want to like beat it into them because then they'll just vanish. Not saying that's what

happened with you but I'm sure everyone well and it's like you can't because they're not gonna you can't force like a true like addict to fucking do anything until they want to do it. And sometimes they're dead before, like, you can. Yeah.

And it's not, but you can't. And sometimes they just will die before they make the decision to change. Yeah. But like, yeah, you guys were always aware of it. And you guys were always, like, when I went to the first rehab, it was just like, proud of you, like, good for you. but, you know, good luck, fucking, I'm glad you're doing it for you, blah, blah, blah. And even the second time around it was like the same thing.

I just don't understand how people, some people in rehab, it's like, do you just not pick the right, right friends? Or like, how do you, like, what do you mean your friends fucking, like, stop hanging out with you because you're sober now? Or, like, your friends don't understand and you can't tell them and you're afraid to, to tell your work. Right. And then I was telling there there was people in there that were like,

should I tell my co-workers when I go back because they're going to be like, why were you gone for 30 days? And my advice to them was like, don't hold in the secret. Like, if they have a,

if they find something off putting about that to where like, they start, like, judging you for it. And like, that's on them.

Right. Yeah, like, but like, don't hold that in. There's a lot. lot, I mean, the older you get, which the Flycast viewership is always pretty older, compared to old, like, some optic content.

But the older you get, the more you understand that, like, situations like this are a lot less, are a lot more common than you'd think. Like, so you being completely open, like, I grew up pretty, I'd say sheltered, but not, not in like a bad way, more of like a, you know, in like a protective way. So I thought like rehab and like people that were addicted and even weed, just wheat, like marijuana, it just seemed like a foreign thing to me. But then as I grew up, like you meet people that like life's fucking hard. And you meet people that that go through shit all the time and you can, and to like to like,

to hold it in is like not, it's not healthy for you. and it also could do it could do good things for other people, especially if you come out a better person. Like, I don't know. Like, it seems like right now,

I bet you you're saying this right now publicly is going to help some people, probably a lot of people. Because there's a lot of people that watch videos that are stuck inside because of COVID and have nothing to have nothing to do. And so they turn to shit like that. I don't know.

It always gets better. It can be, can get better. It's very taboo to, like, talk about, and it's very taboo in the gaming community to talk about because, you know how many people I know that do drugs in the gaming community? Like, too many. So it's definitely going to be very beneficial. I say earlier I even said, like, I don't know. I guess where this is going to lead or like I even talk to Hex about like I was like what if I

because I don't know of anyone else who's like talked about it really and I was like what if I started like a fucking Adderall Anonymous or like I was wondering if you were going I mean if there's a community on this planet besides maybe I don't know Wall Street or something there's a community on this planet that needs it. It's this one. Yeah. And you're, like you said, you might be the first person that I know of. And I mean, I've known of other

instances where it's come out because people have taken too much and I've gone a little crazy. But went crazy in the public eye. Whereas you became like a recluse, which is a little different, but Reclose?

Isn't that what that is? Reclose? Did I say it wrong? I just, I thought you were saying, like wreck reckless but recluse I don't know I don't really know what that means recluse like private

yeah like super private I think that's what it's called yeah recluse you have you know you just said I don't know it made me think of a different word when you said it but yeah I always had I always took pride

and not being like public with it or like I didn't want to have a fucking like meltdown somewhere publicly and like yeah um like I even you can look at my Instagram my Twitter like yeah I would never like tweet for I never wanted like the attention around it because the less attention I got the more I could hide it right so like on my Instagram I've only posted like three times in the past like year yeah because like like Like, that's how, like, much I just, like, fell off of it. Twitter, I would, like, stop tweeting. Like, I didn't want YouTube.

I stopped. Like, I didn't even coming to the hex quarters, which I'm, like, I was, I'm, like, required to do. I stopped even doing that because I didn't want people seeing me so, like, skinny and fucking just, like, fucked up. Yeah. I didn't want any attention and I didn't want to

come out that I didn't want to come out saying this shit after like something happens. Like I wanted to come out and say, talk about this on like my terms. Your own terms, yeah. It makes perfect sense. Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of people out there

that that. Adderall Anonymous. That need it. Yeah. But honestly, the scariest part for me is not even the Adderall. It's Zanx.

Because Xanax really may let me hide my fears. Adderall, I really just would have fun on and took it for fun. Yeah. And pleasure. Xanax, I fucking, I take it almost like medically for me. Right. Because I've always been like an anxious person. I've always talked about people who know me, have heard me talk about anxiety.

I've always been into that sort of like field, but I'm more scared of like not taking a benz-o for the rest of my life rather than Adderall. Like Adderall, I feel like it will be pretty easy to not deal. And it'll be enjoyable not taking it. Yeah. Xanax is different for me because I didn't take Zanek. for fun. I took it. I was straight up

addicted to it. I was more addicted to Xanax than Adderall. But Xanax for me is like the worry, the one I like worry about just because I think of like certain situations where I'm nervous or anxious or if something

happens that I'm not just going to be able to like jump to a pill and like numb it. Yeah. So that's more of like I know this entire podcast is like mostly been about Adderall, but for me, it's annex. It's a scariest, scariest one for me to not take. Yeah. But I've, um, I've attended AA meetings and shit so far.

Um, like, I'm going to go to one right after this. Um, and people are probably wondering, like, why AA meetings. There are N A meetings. in CA meetings. There's narcotics anonymous and there's cocaine anonymous which I guess would be more fitting for me but alcoholics anonymous

they accept everyone and anything that sort of pertains to alcohol it's just addiction period it doesn't matter what it is sex, food, fucking exercise. Any type of addiction falls into the category of like going to these meetings because it's not the drugs or alcohol it's like it's your mindset in the way you think yeah um but that's not downplaying the the effect that it has on

you specifically to addicts and shit because it does like hit us differently um to where like normal people don't have to consciously think about it. Yeah. And they don't have to force themselves and they don't have the super strong cravings of someone who is an addict. But. Yeah.

Shit's wild, dude. That's it for me. That shit's wild. I mean, I'm sure everyone's fucking happy. Like this is a breath of fresh air. It's been a breath of- They're probably like, I fucking knew it. No, I don't think so.

Don't, I didn't. I have made a lot of. The word maniac blocked for my chat because every time I saw it, I'd get fucking anxious. Really? Yeah. I was like, where's maniac? And I just, every time I read it, my heart would start beating fast. So we just blocked your name.

Thanks. But I'm sure, I mean, it's been a breath of fresh air for everyone here. I mean, I know Hex feels, Hax feels better even Roger and everyone there was saying that you look like. hundred times better and your mom texted and said that you sound better and you definitely look better and i think it's i'm very like fucking like proud of you for continuously going after and all that shit i mean it's really fucking it's not an easy thing to do especially knowing how bad it got i don't know um i saw someone because like people knew i was gone 30 days and they didn't they didn't know what was up but they would tweet me like proud of you like for taking care of yourself and then

I saw someone tweet like tired of people tired of people saying they're proud of him and not telling him like it is like what do you say after that it's like proud of people or tired of people saying they are proud of him not telling him like it is he's what and that he's wasting the best years of his life. Like, thanks. I didn't know that. Like, yeah, man, I needed you to tell me that. But, yeah.

For the most part, it's been a lot of positive feedback for a non-positive situation. Yeah. I don't think it would be nearly as positive if people didn't see like the mindset.

that you have, like the people closest to you. Because saying like, all right, that's the last one is a lot different than coming back from like a rehabilitation center with as good of a mindset as it seems like you have now. I mean, that's like a very, like that's a, that's something to be proud of. You know what I mean? That's something to. Yeah. And I'm fucking, I'm so glad I like, even if I wasn't addicted to drugs, like, I would.

wish like rehab should be taught in like second grade yeah like because it's like I've said it's not even about necessarily the drugs and alcohol it's about your way of thinking and your control and your unmanageability with life and shit like that yeah like I was like a life lesson I was telling the I was talking to the psychiatrist there and I was like they should be teaching this shit i said it to him i was like they should be teaching this and like kindergarten and first or like first grade and he started like cracking up laughing he was like yeah um they say everything you need to know in life you learn in kindergarten and then after that you should go to rehab and i was like yeah that's fucking true because it helped so far i feel like it's like

helped me a lot. I, like, feel sort of less anxious about certain situations, like, even going to the AA meeting, which I would have been scared shitless, and I was scared shitless just a month ago, doing it in rehab. And even on my last day of rehab, it was like still nerve-wracking, talking in front of people and or whatever. But it's like, helped me just, like, understand a few things. and just like grow as a person, I guess. Yeah. Makes sense.

Do we have any audro music? So, so, I mean, what is your next plan? Do you have any idea? Are you just going to keep the healthy? I don't know. I'm going to,

fucking, I guess we should. I don't know what they're going to do with this stuff, but we should have, are a little flycast set up now. I don't know if they're going to keep this year. So I should have maybe a little more of an update next week. Get back into some regular shit and not have my life.

Just beat about this. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. But I don't know. Just one day at a time. Hell yeah. Lost that shit. Well, I guess that's going to do it for the Flycast.

You feel better? Yeah. I feel calm. Definitely good to just get that off my chest. And I guess I want to say appreciate everyone who was, I guess, like, didn't give up on me or, you know, said there. you know glad i did this and glad i took time for myself and i'm fucking glad i did too um and just thanks to uh of course the green wall and everyone who was always just stuck around yeah even though i like sort of fucked up as i've been and how inconsistent i've been and

how lazy i've been and i hope you guys are happy even hearing that. I fucking said it. You like that? You fucking say it. You fucking know it. Yeah. I guess that's going to do it.

Take Huntsman out of your bio. Change it to optic. Oh, shit. And that's going to do it. Do we have any... Do we have any outro?