The Glenn Beck Program - Best of The Program | Guests: Lara Logan & Andrew Heaton | 7/15/21

Episode Date: July 15, 2021

CNN’s Chris Cuomo bashed Republicans for not following “the science” on COVID-19, but Stu reviews the kind of “science” his family actually follows. Fox Nation host Lara Logan joins to discuss her new research into Big Tech and the lack of security and privacy we now have. Comedian Andrew Heaton joins to preview his new book, “Los Angeles Is Hideous: Poems About an Ugly City.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today is a fun podcast. We started with a little ode, really, to Chris Cuomo. You know, as Stu says, Andrew Cuomo is awful.com. But Chris Cuomo is worse. Right. We talk about the hypocrisy on Chris Cuomo and the people who are screaming, You gotta follow science. Really? Let's see if they're following science on a few things.

Then we also had Lara Logan on. She talked about what's happening with the surveillance state, and how it's growing out of control. And an old friend came by, Andrew Heaton, who is trying to be the number one poet on Amazon today. He's got a new book out called Los Angeles is hideous. Holmes about an ugly city. It's a little dark, a little dark.

But we'd like you to go out and buy it on Amazon. and make him the number one poet in the country, because that's really how sad and pathetic his life has become. That he's like, please, I have nothing to hold on to. Los Angeles is hideous, poems about an ugly city, very, very funny. And I think we started something in California. You have to listen to the podcast, because I think this is going to be a continuing storyline for a while.

Don't miss it. You're listening to. The best of the blizzard. I'm Reuters this morning. Protests in Cuba will increase the risk of COVID-19 transmission because of an already high level of cases and the more contagious Delta variant. Health officials said on Wednesday the Pan American Health Organization urged Cubans and tourists, please avoid all crowds.

Do not go out in the streets. Wait, wait, where was this for? Where was it? Don't pay any attention. Don't pay any attention to the man behind the curtain who said it was okay to go out and protest and steal stuff for BLM. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Well, racism is a public health issue. Communism is not.

No. Communism has only killed about 90 million people in the last 80 years. Maybe more than that. That's China. It was 100 million in the past century. So we're well over 100 million now. Yeah. And growing every day.

And every day. In places like Cuba. It's killed. Communism has killed more people than all disease combined. Pretty much. Yeah. I mean, it's. Okay.

All right. So we got to follow the science. And, you know, the good thing is we have guardians of science like Chris Cuomo. Do we have the audio of what Chris Cuomo said about this COVID search, the Delta The variant. Here it is. Listen. The story of this pandemic on the right side is deep denial. And we are going to remember for generations how we made ourselves sick. Nobody else did what we've done in America.

Yeah, that's right. We had a cure faster than just about anybody. Yeah. But a vaccine. Uh-huh. And we made ourselves sick. We lied to ourselves. We did.

About the pandemic. Our leaders called it a hoax. It's Trump, but it was more than Trump. Wow. he uh he went on and and talked about this this controversy in tennessee as well and now we have the big case and point tennessee tennessee monday their top vaccine officials says she was fired after she sent a memo to vaccine providers about a state law that already existed i think it's existed since 1987 it's called a mature minor

um policy which is where it allows doctors to determine if teenagers even if they're not right of the age of majority, that they can still be treated, as long as the doctor believes that they're mature enough to understand their health care decisions. So they don't need the parents' consent. It comes amid a larger effort to halt vaccine outreach. For all diseases, think about that. Why?

Think about that. Let me think about it. You know what, Stu? You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, this isn't approved for kids. It's not approved for kids. Yes, no. So, was it yes or is it no, Stu?

What do you mean? Yes, no. Honestly, you're right. It is not approved for kids. However, that does not apply to this particular story because they're talking about 14 to 17 year olds, which is approved for. Okay, all right. So you have to be mature 14 year olds.

That's their rule. Okay. But again, like he's not, it has nothing to do with Tennessee. Tennessee is just a way for them to say red state bad. And Chris Cuomo wants you to know. He's a man of science. He is a man. As you heard.

I know that. He really is. It's not the red staters, of course. Those people are against science. Science! He can't believe that these red staters would do such a thing. Well, is this really Chris Cuomo, though? Is he really a man of science?

Science! That helps. It does. That's really helpful. Worked for Thomas Dolby. Science! So let me introduce you to Purist magazine. Purest magazine.

Purist magazine. Purist magazine. What is purest magazine? Well, let me give you their mantra. Make the things you let into your body, mind, and spirit matter. Let purist be your guide. So what you put into your body should be guided. So it's like goop.

It's like goop. If you think goop is only for peasants. If Goop has number one, if it's for only poor people. And also it does, it has too high, if you want lower crests, If you want lower credibility, then go to POOP is too authoritarian. Authoritative. Authoritative. Yes.

Yes. That's true. Now, interesting, Purist magazine is run by Christina Cuomo. Of course, you may remember her as the person who's just found in Jeffrey Epstein's address book. Yeah. Otherwise known as Chris's wife. Oh, yeah.

Chris's wife. That's right. I forgot about that. Yeah. So Chris Cuomo's wife has a magazine. And it's just like super. elitist Hamptons magazine. Science!

It's basically a Hampton's version of goop. Okay. And that's really what it is. Wow. Wow, that's snotty. I'm just trying to. It's like over the top snoddy. It's like Gwyneth Paltrow is not snotty enough for us. What do we do?

Let's start our own thing. Okay. So Purist is basically this Hampton's goop that advises people on all sorts of different diseases among other things. It's also where you buy multi-million dollar real estate and all sorts of other ridiculous expensive things. But a lot of it's focused on health stuff. And it's easy to

forgive a little diversion for rich people to go and talk about wellness. You know, you're the wife of a celebrity and you're going to have all the cures and the and the candles and all of that. No, I don't think it's that easy to give it. You could though. Like, who cares? I don't care if they read some stuff. Yeah. Okay. I'll give you that. However, we should note that this man who is telling you he's a man of science. Science! It's not only married to, but was also being treated by the doctors who write for Purist magazine and are contributors to Goop. Good heavens, Ms. Mercantroyd.

These are good references. That's a very deep reference. Okay. So during the worst part of COVID, the Cuomo family was actually giving recommendations for treatment of COVID-19. These treatments, these are, that's their word, not mine, treatments for COVID-19, which she uses the word treatments often in between her occasional efforts at legal disclaimer, because of course they're not treatments for COVID-19. But things like, here's a quote, broth of cayenne pepper, ginger and garlic, or the lemon and ginger tea or vitamin C. She later admits that, of course, there is not, none of these are cures for COVID-19, but added a name of a doctor who is advising them. and helped her and her husband, Chris Cuomo,

on a path of natural remedies to strengthen his immune system. Okay, so this is what he had. This is what Chris Cuomo did. Forget what he's telling you on television? Right. What did he was claiming he got COVID? When he was claiming he was in the basement. Right.

Which he wasn't. Yes. That's, that this is what he was having. Yes. Now, he went to Dr. Linda Lancaster. Oh, love her. Now, here she is talking about how close to the, the mainstream of a doctor she is?

I'm not a medical doctor. I don't use drugs. Okay. So it's not a medical doctor. Just a Mr. mainstream science. Not a, not. He could have come to me. I'm a doctor too.

I'm not a medical doctor. Now, so Chris Cuomo, again, insulting Tennessee, insulting red states, got to stay with a science, went to this woman who seems delightful. She is the founder of some, something called the Light Harmonics Institute. Oh, love that.

And she seems very sweet. She's a naturopathic doctor, which is, by the way, a type of doctor not recognized as a doctor by the state of New York. Yeah, but a lot of people. That his brother runs. I mean, I have no problem if you're a naturopath. Absolutely. I mean, fine. Again, I'm not criticizing.

You could do whatever the hell you want. Right. Right. The point here, though, is that he, Cuomo is on television, telling you to follow all the mainstream recommendations of science. Science! That he's doing this, which are not the mainstream recommendations

of science. Science! Thank you. Wait, wait. Science. Thank you. That's much better. Okay. So, she has, Dr. Lancaster describes

how do we recover from an illness? COVID is a big illness, right? Is it affecting a lot of people? How do we recover from that illness? Hint, it is not medication. The body has an innate ability to heal its we were born with this vital force

that knows how to heal us what interferes or what causes illness okay that's a good question what causes illness now I would say like a bacteria or a virus right sure in this particular example a virus is what does it but I'm not a doctor like this doctor well she's not a doctor either I'm not a science man like Chris Cuomo's a science man right yes so let's see what she says causes illness

for me it's been evaluating the electromagnetic energy of the cells oh okay to see whether they're in a coherent flow oh the flow it's the flow of the cells glenn okay now that was my next guess i will say i didn't say i should have said it right i didn't say well you're not into the chakras yeah right you know what i mean oh she gets lots of there's lots of shocker talk if that's what you want tons of shocker talk from this lady i don't have any of those clips pulled but she does talk about it quite a bit. Now, you can argue some Republicans' policies are off the mark, but I've never heard a Republican argue that we should cure diseases

by the flow of the cells or electromagnetic energy. Right. Okay. Let's hear more about this science. Each cell in our body has a positive and a negative flow. Okay. And the balance of the positive, the negative, is the

integrity of each cell. This flow of energy is etheric energy because ether is in all of space the ether is in all of space

ether said the doctor so the ether is in all of space so I would just like to point she sounds like she's very Asian medicine she's very Chinese medicine which didn't help the people

in Wuhan just just wanted a science okay so I'm curious if this is mainstream science. I don't know. Maybe I don't know. Is it Chris? Because remember, this isn't just some dumb thing his wife recommended in her stupid magazine.

This is literally how Chris Cuomo was treated for COVID-19. He's criticizing all these Republicans. This is how he did it. She talked exactly about how she treated her COVID patients like Chris Cuomo later on. Listen. Food is number one for me. I use a, for my COVID patients, I use a soup, a soup called Pasata de Vadorna, which is green soup. Again, I have yet to hear Dr. Fauci come out and recommend soup.

I'll go a step further. I haven't heard Donald Trump recommend soup. Oh. He said, he said hydrochloroquine. That's what he said, an actual medicine, a drug prescribed by doctors. That's right. That was his idea. That was too crazy.

But soup. Soup. Soup. No. Soup. Yes. Now, there were. I don't know why we bothered with all these vaccines when we had soup.

We had just the whole time. You know what it is? The drug companies, they are just getting rich while the Campbell's people had the solution the whole time. This is the best of the Glenn Beck program. Welcome, Laura. How are you? Hey, I'm good. Thank you. How are you? That's very good. Always good to talk to you.

So you, I saw you yesterday and you were talking about what is happening with surveillance and privacy and censorship. And I don't think people really understand how bad it is. Does the Fourth Amendment even exist anymore? You know, Glenn, the Fourth Amendment does exist. And that's really important for people to remember. remember, because if we treat it as if it's already gone, then no one will fight to uphold it. You know, they want, in a way, they want you to think the Fourth Amendment is gone. That's part of the problem.

You talk to young kids today and they say, ah, so what? I don't need my privacy. I'm not doing anything wrong. And that's because they really don't understand. We've all, you know, we've been deceived by the tech industry because nobody said, here, take this handy little device, you know, that's going to make your life better and easier in every way. to be safer because you can call for help and so on. And now we're at the point where our phones are tracking us 24-7

and where these people who own these companies own all this information about us. They own everything that we say and do, literally every single thing. So a kid who thinks, well, I'm using a hidden app, right, to send, you know, racy pictures to my boyfriend. Well, no, it might be hidden from your parents. It might be hidden from someone who picks up your phone, but the person who owns that app owns all those images of you, and they can do whatever they want with them.

And by the way, if they're being stored on a cloud, then, you know, that your parent has and you're underage, your parent isn't now in possession of child pornography. And, you know, a few years ago, nobody would have believed that that's the kind of thing that government exploits. Now imagine you were in the capital on January 6th, and they don't have anything on you, but they want to get rid of you anyway, because they don't like your politics.

Well, now you can be charged with child porn because they have the ability to go through everything. And not only that, they have made deals with phone companies. I never understood Edward Snowden fully. You know, I didn't understand that the programs that he exposed, like Blarnie and Fairview and all these others, these were deals that the phone companies made with the NSA to physically allow them into their sites so that they could download all of our communications. that go on our phones. And they were paid to do it. So the phone companies made money selling us out. So the fact that all of these people don't, that they violate the Fourth Amendment doesn't mean that

the Fourth Amendment doesn't exist. What it means is that we're not upholding that right. And that's what we need to start doing. Okay. So for people that, there's two questions here. one, for people who don't know what the Fourth Amendment is, remind the Fourth Amendment, and then I have a follow-up. So the Fourth Amendment is our right to privacy. And people think it's just about, you know, okay, I'm not doing anything wrong or I don't have any secrets. Therefore, you know, I don't care about my privacy. What were the origins of the Fourth Amendment? It was really the founding fathers knew that one of the ways that the British prevented them from organizing and rising up and challenging them was

preventing them from meeting in private, right? That's, the purpose of your privacy is much more than, you know, just being out of public view. And, uh, and, and, and so there is really nothing that's more central to our democracy than the right to privacy. I mean, all of those rights in the constitution have a real purpose and a real value. And if we allow people to take them away from us, we're voluntarily surrendering that. We're like lambs to the slaughter. You know, that's literally what we are. the Fourth Amendment also says that you have a right to be secure in your own papers. And that again comes from King George, quartering soldiers in people's houses, just going in and just saying,

they're living with you now and you had nothing to say about it. And they would go through all of your papers and they would spy on you in your own home. I have contended for a long time. The Third and Fourth Amendment are being violated right now. They're not physically. physically quartering soldiers in your home, but they certainly are in your home through all of the apps that they have back doors on. And they are going through your, quote, papers. This is a real problem. You're 100% right. And sort of the physical, you know, sort of example of that that I think people can grasp onto is Alexa, for example, and the other systems like this. What you've done is literally give something. You've said, okay, you know, when they show up at your front door,

you don't have to let them in, right? They have to have a warrant. So in order to go into your private space, whether it's your communications or your home, they have to have a warrant. They have to do it legally. And if you, you know, that's why the FISA courts actually exist. When it comes to surveillance, the FISA court is the highest court in the land. Well, what are the origins of that? Well, you know, back in the 1970s, they realized that government overreach and surveillance was a real problem. So they created a surveillance court specifically to monitor this. And what if we have today? In May, the FISA court came out with an historic report that was really a massive rebuke of the FBI and law enforcement. And what it said was that in violation of a 2018 and 2019, two different

courts, two different federal judges ruled that warrantless surveillance cannot be used legally. Is it inadmissible in court. Well, that happened because of what Edward Snowden revealed. It happened because of what Bill Benny and NSA whistleblower before him, what he was warning about years before Edward Snowden. He inspired, actually, Edward Snowden. It's what all of them on the inside saw coming, right, and put out there. So what the judge has said was this information that you're getting from the NSA has been taken. It's been gathered without a warrant. Therefore, you cannot use it because it violates the Fourth Amendment. Well, the latest report from the Pfizer court says, what is the FBI doing with regard to January 6th and Trump supported? They're using the NSA database. Once again, they're

using the warrantless surveillance, which has been ruled illegal. Everybody knows that there's no, there's no hiding it. So in our one episode, we actually show Robert Mueller way back off to 9-11, because I think people forget that he was the guy in charge of the FBI at the time of 9-11. And he's defending a technique that the FBI uses to hide the origins of a case in court, right? It's called parallel construction. And it's where the FBI and other agencies have gone to the NSA database, to this surveillance and this warrantless collection of information, whether it's through the internet, through the internet companies, through the phone systems, through whatever it is.

And they have used that to spy on you and to prosecute you. And they create a parallel chain of evidence. That's what it is. It's parallel construction to hide the origins of the case and basically to lie to the court because they know that their evidence is inadmissible. And, you know, this really comes to mind right now because you have how many Americans are sitting in prison in Washington, D.C. convicted of any crime and they're in solitary confinement.

You know, Elizabeth Warren and other even Democrat senators have campaigned against solitary confinement, they call it the most cruel form of torture and extreme punishment. And you have American citizens on American soil in solitary confinement who have never been convicted of a crime. And we are silent, Glenn. And how are they going after all of these people? What this database of surveillance allows the law enforcement to do is to go back in time through all of your communications, find things to manipulate into, you know, your weaknesses or whatever, anything they want. But they can go back because everything digital lives forever. That's how we know, you know, when people are lying, when they say the emails disappeared, right?

Lois Learner, IRS, Hillary Clinton, you know they're lying because in the digital world, nothing ever goes away. So talk to the people who will say, I don't have anything to hide. I don't think people understand. You know, I was in a mall the other day. And this woman came running out of a store. And she said, oh, my gosh, you're Glenn Beck. And she had a very heavy Polish accent. And I said, yes, ma'am.

And she said, I just can't thank you enough for what you say and what you're doing. She's like, I came from communism. I escaped. What is happening? And I said, people here just don't. think that way. We just don't understand what a surveillance and oppressive state really means. So explain to people who say, I don't have anything to hide. I don't care. They can watch everything. Why is this a danger? It's a danger because they're not just looking at what you may have to

hide. They're looking at how to manipulate you into doing what they want. It's that these are control systems. That's really who they are. And so what we're ultimately, One of the whistleblowers, not whistleblowers, hackers in our piece. He was very, very, he was one of the most revered privacy specialists, online privacy specialists in the world before he was targeted. His name is Jacob Applebaum. And I think he's one of the most extraordinary people I've ever interviewed. And he and Julian Assange and another guy, Trevor Fitzgibbon,

who was the PR arm of WikiLeaks, they were the three pillars of WikiLeaks. You know, Julian, the face of it, Jacob was really the software and the mind behind it. you know, the technological mind. He vetted all of the Snowden, you know, the NSA documents that Snowden got to make sure that they were real and so on. And they were all targeted with false rape allegations and their lives destroyed, right? And Jacob is in self-imposed exile in Berlin,

but this young man is really an extraordinary mind. And he talked to me about the future of the world is where we become the monitored class, i.e. you and I and everyone else who's surveilled and those monitoring us. And those are really the only two classes in the future, right? All of the other stuff left and right and communist masses, blah, blah, blah. None of that is actually going to matter at all because in the future,

we are literally separated by those who are monitored and those who are not. Because monitoring us, it encourages us to self-sensor, right? So what do we do? We police ourselves. Why are you going to defund the police? You don't need the police because we're going to police ourselves. and with the surveillance, we will always know who's doing what. We can decide who we're going to let get away with the crime or, you know, whether there's

something, and we need you to do something for us. We know that you're cheating on your wife. Therefore, you're the guy that we're going to go to. Or your daughter wants to go to this particular college program, okay? And they look back, oh, her parents, look, they're Christians. Or she's not going to this program. We don't want any Christians, you know, and, oh, these people are homophobic or whatever it happens to be, What they do with the information is they create a human terrain map.

Within a digital signature and within their reach, they are creating a human terrain map that can be used against you by anyone. Can be private corporations, can be the health insurance companies. You get your DNA tested at 23 and me. Well, I interviewed a guy from an HMO, one of these health management operations, right, and organizations. And he said they were buying data from 23rd. me. That's one of those third party users that they're selling to. So they can then determine with your DNA, the health insurance companies can decide whether or not to insure you and how much to charge you. And you can break that down. Well, you know, are we going to give you medical care, cancer treatment?

No, you're probably going to die. So you're going to get to the back of the line. We're going to decide who gets treated based on survivability. Or in California, a couple years ago, they made it a law that every child that enters the education system, has to be monitored the entire way through because they want to ensure, you know, that they all have equal opportunity. Well, how easy is that to manipulate? So I think what people really don't understand is that this human terrain map generates what is then called a pattern of life. So it's not just what you do and what you say.

It's when you don't do those things. Or it's when you change your pattern of life. They're able to identify changes. So say, for example, you know, when I was attacked and targeted for my reporting on Benghazi, one of the things that was the subversive thing in all the, the undercurrent behind all the attacks was, was trying to destroy my marriage and break up my home. There were actually articles that were, you know, sort of hoping and celebrating this idea. And then they started to attack my husband.

And they tried to suggest that, oh, my husband was, you know, some evil military propagandists and that, you know, that, And the inference was, of course, they could only infer it because it's a complete and not to lie, that this somehow tainted my reporting. You know, and so what are they trying to do? When they go after you, when they cancel you, they don't want you to just lose your job. They don't want Megan Kelly to lose her show. They want her never, ever, ever to get another job in broadcasting ever again. When they get rid of Glenbeck and, you know, Bill O'Reilly and they don't want you to survive. They don't want you to be employed anywhere else.

So they want to destroy you financially. They want to make sure that, you know, everyone, when you have financial pressure, it causes friction, right, in homes and in marriages and difficulties in people's lives. And so you see this over and over and over again. What do they, do they want you never to be hired, right? They're going to say, look what they're doing in corporate America. They're saying if you were a Trump supporter or you went to the capital on January 6th, you have to be fired.

If you're not allowed a bank with us. You're not allowed Chick-fil-A, you can't over-exam. open a restaurant at a gas station or, you know, motor stop along the way because you don't, you know, you're a bunch of Christians and you don't support transgender rights. This is the best of the Glenn Beck program. And don't forget, rate us on iTunes from the new book. Los Angeles is hideous. Palms about an ugly city.

Pretty is cinder block smeared with lipstick? Oh, blight of traffic and concrete. dumpsters, thy principal building material, his bathroom tiling grout, drenched in sunlight, as compensation, like a chef at Applebee's, drowning freeze-dried sadness in cheese, to hide the shame. The shame. All the beauty of a parking lot, and yet, ironically, you'll never find a parking space. Watch them toss palm trees at strip malls to gussy up the streets like injecting Botox into a corpse. Behold the concrete slabs with squares gouged out where dreamers peek from cramped rooms

to gaze at hobos masturbating into open sewers. Tis not a city, but a meat grinder that devours skinny hopefuls and burps out chunks of porn star. Los Angeles is a prison yard with sparklers chugging champagne beneath an overpass a public toilet with a boob job Instagram filters on a dead harlot

The end That's written This book is Los Angeles It's Hidious poems about an ugly city By a good friend of ours And a former co-worker Andrew Heaton Welcome Andrew. How are you?

I'm great. There are surreal moments in life where you go, this is not what I thought would be happening with my career. I didn't think I would have Glibbeck reading poetry I wrote, but you knocked that reading out of the park. I got to say that was a wonderful reading. Yeah, well, thank you. Thank you. I kind of do it for a living. That's true.

So you weren't in a good space. No, when you wrote this book. May I set the scene for you? Yes. So I moved to Los Angeles in January of 2020. Now, if you will recall, may I just, why? Good question, Glenn.

Right. I moved to Los Angeles for the networking, Glenn. For the networking. I knew I wasn't going to like Los Angeles, but I was going to be at parties with producers and models, you know, making comedy, right? Right. Yes, it was the most expensive rent in my life at a 600 square foot box, but I wasn't going to be in it that much.

Right. I was going to be at diners meeting producers. Right. Cut two, four months later, we're heavy under lockdown. I am in a bathtub eating Oreos out of a bowl of milk with a ladle because I'm too depressed to do dishes. And I don't think I can live in this city anymore and began jotting down my thoughts on it and worked through it in the book that you just read from. Right. So this is therapy.

Yes, this is very much therapy. You, to say you didn't like Los Angeles is a bit of an understatement. Am I wrong? I think it is an aesthetic monstrosity. And I just, every time I went through it, I just, why would anyone allow this thing to happen? It's just this giant asphalt carbuncle of vericose veins of traffic holding together strip malls and rusted laundry machines. And it's just everything, everything I aesthetically care about in life. Like, I think Edinburgh is probably the prettiest city in the world.

It has a castle. It has cobblestones. And then Los Angeles is just this, oh, this, it's like if you poked a cyclops and all the fat bubbled out and then congealed into cement. And I just walked around gaping at it all the time. Wow. And I was like, I have to. But at least the people were good. You know, okay, well, I don't know.

I didn't get to meet it to people. I was eating Oreos in a bath with a ladle most of the time. Well, I'll say the thing that people generally say is, okay, granted, it's not the prettiest city. but there's a beach though. It's near a beach. And I get that. I'm not a beach guy, though. I don't like sweating.

I also happen to think beaches are just a desert with a hole at the end. And my recreational goal is not to try to get tired and sleepy next to a bunch of dead fish and sharks. And so for me, all of that was lost. So I was like, I don't care that's sunny all the time. Yes, I'm very happy to not be there anymore. And I'm glad that somehow that became the gorgon-faced muse that would activate my poetry career. So let me ask you this. I'm just going to quickly read Los Angeles the river.

Hold on just a sec. Behold. Now go ahead. Go roll the music here. Behold the mighty Los Angeles River. A lengthy concrete drainage ditch. Wide is a shoebox pretty as a penal shower, dribbling pollution into the city. But if a river but trickles through a mortar,

gutter, is it a river at all? Or just a leak for some distant dehydrated mountain with an engorged prostate and bad aim? Twice a year, the rain gets lost or drunk and shambles through L.A., sloshing life back into this trough. But the rest of the time, it's merely the seepage of urban incontinence. At the end. Again, well done. I have to be a lot of. I have to be a little bit of the time. I I have to say, like, I now wish I'd made this an audio book and just got a glimback impression of the audio book. Oh, I'll cut it for you. I would love to cut this for you. Uh, the, uh, there's not a happy, there's not a really a happy ending at any of these.

No, in fact, the last poem is called the big one where I talk about if the earth ever needs an enema. It would probably start with Los Angeles and, uh, just slough off into the drink. Uh, no, it's, you know, there's probably redeeming quality. to Los Angeles. I didn't get to enjoy them. I think I would probably risk harming myself if I stuck around long enough to try and explore them. So it's mostly just working through the

aesthetic monstrosity that is Los Angeles. You mentioned the people. There is a very brief poem in there called. Wait, I have to give me the first bed, please. The big one. One day, the tetonic plates themselves

will show. shudder at the ugliness, the traffic, the cost, the cilantro. And the city will wail and clatter like janga blocks at closing time. Sayeth earthquake? Nay, the earth itself is gagging. When she finally wretches hard enough and lets loose the big one, this wretched people clot, this horrible, this horrid, This horrid asphalt carbuncle

Will sloth into the drink And the prophets shall proclaim Lo, the earth has given herself an enema People clot is an interesting way of looking at It really is. And it is kind of a people clot. It's just massive, yeah, there's so many people there. You know what, I'll try, I'm not going to go on a political tirade. I'm going to really try hard not to go on a political tirade

The reason that it's just giant urban, massive urban sprawl is because back in the 40s, I'm not making any of this up, the city fathers were afraid black people were going to get houses. And so they outlawed, or they outlawed apartment complexes because they didn't want black people to live in the neighborhoods. And they thought they probably live in apartments. So that seems to be the thing. So we'll outlaw them and we'll make it so you can only have houses. Like 80% of the housing that you can have in Los Angeles has to be single family units because they never got rid of that. So the city has to spread out. It has to spread like maple syrup on a driveway because it's

illegal to build up. So you know, it's weird is Phoenix has somewhat of the same story. They just didn't want to become Los Angeles. And so they didn't build freeways. Really? Yeah. For a long time. For a long time. Up until the 80s, there were no freeways in Phoenix. And they were like, we'll just keep it small. You know, if we don't have freeways, then we won't have any traffic. It didn't work out for them. Didn't have anything to do with black people. Okay. But, uh, Los Angeles is something special, I guess. Yeah, and like they seem to be fine now in that regard, I think. But they've kept the old awful housing regulation all the same.

And it's like it's one of the same. When you're walking around, you're seeing this massive sprawl. It doesn't have to be that way. But they've kept it on the books. And it just, ugh, I drive around. You get stuck in traffic for an hour and a half. And you're like, this is because of old dead racists that tried to mess with the housing market. That's why this is happening.

And you haven't fixed it yet. Yeah. So what was your escape plan? Because, I mean, if you just enter a lease in January, worry 2020. I mean, you're committed for some time. I did, I did find a person to take over the lease for me. Uh, and then I, wow, somebody dumber than you. Yeah, exactly. Right. Well, but if I was going to find a city, I managed to find a lot. And he, he took the lease. Uh, every single U-hall was booked. Uh, Gavin Newsom should be the U-Haul employee of the year.

Uh, and I couldn't find it. So I left most of my furniture. He got my bed, all my stuff. You just, I just left. You just left. You were like, I, I, I did a reverse. Pamphet family or like Jode family like Grapes of Wrath like back down the highway in my truck like playing hillbilly music and reverse just escaping. And then I went and bought a 13 foot fiberglass camper from an 86 year old guy named Dave who sold it to me because he just got married. He didn't think it was big enough for him and his wife and that I lived out of that for five months. This is true. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Can you go back on that story? That wasn't so explanatory? Well, catch all that. I don't know if I heard it right. I left LA and with all my stuff in my car. Well, not all your stuff. Not all. With a quarter of my perfect possessions that had managed to flee the city with me.

I bought a 13 foot, which is to say a pretty short fiberglass camper that looked like an egg from an 86 year old guy named Dave. Got that part. He sold it to me because he just got married. He just got married. I think a 75 year old lady. Oh, wow. So minky. He did not think it was sufficient for them to vacation in.

So I bought that from him. and then just lived out of that for five or six months. Wow. Kind of in a van town by the river. Yeah. So that's why I said at the beginning in the commercial that I did for American financing, hey, how's your financial world working out for you? I'd love to ask the next guess because I'm guessing not real well.

My retirement plan consists of buying lottery tickets and hoping I'm special. Wait, but no, that's not true because we have in our midst here, potentially the number one poet on Amazon. I mean, you're very close, right? I think I was number 20. Okay, I was number 200 on humor yesterday, number 20 in poetry. So apparently I'm a better poet that I am funny, which is a surprise for me at this point in my career.

But I'm number 20. I think if I get to number one, I become national poet laureate of the United States. Yes. That's how it works. I think at least of California. That'd be great. So, okay, let's make this number one in poetry.

Yes. Can we please? Los Angeles is hideous. poems about an ugly city. I bought a Kindle version of it today. Would you sign my Kindle? I would be happy to sign the Kindle. I'll etch my name into the back.

Los Angeles is hideous. Poems about an Ugly City. I think this book should be everywhere. Everywhere. Because it tells the truth in a very poetic sort of way. Tells the truth about all of the light and the love that you can find in Los Angeles back with more in just a second. Stand by first.

Our sponsor this half hour is Gold Line. Buying gold is a hedge against insanity. In fact, if he would have bought some gold, he wouldn't have had the money that, because he had no money in his pocket anyway, probably wouldn't have had the money to go to Los Angeles. And the people in Los Angeles would have looked at it and go, that's crazy. Here, let's go poop on the beach. Anyway, gold is a great hedge.

They do that, don't they? Uh, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Because he was looking at me and I was like, no, they'd do that. I mean, I didn't go to the beach, but yeah, probably. Yeah. It's like a big litter box.

Wait, wait. How long did you live there? I lived there for like six months. And you never went to the beach. I went there one time. Again, it's a litter box with dead, dead fish. I don't, I don't have any desire to go. But I went there one time.

All right. I would have, man, that would have been a series. That would have been a great series. Just you in Los Angeles. So are you, are you like a hobo now? I mean, do you have a place where you live? live? Are you still living in the great city of Tulsa? I moved there. I got a grant to live in Tulsa. I don't know if this has popped up in the newsfeed for anybody, but there's this thing called

Tulsa Rovote and they induced me to move there having a great time. Wait, wait, wait, wait. There's a what? What is the program? Oh, there's a program where they're trying to attract, I guess, brilliant poets like myself. I don't know what the criteria are. But what a waste of money that is. If you get accepted to said program, you're given a lump sum, or you're given like a monthly stipend and then a lump sun at the end of the year. And so my new retirement plan is convincing cities to pay me money to live in them. And Tulsa's a nice one. Convincing city.

Is this not how regular finances work with people? You don't look out for grants to live in a city? That doesn't seem like a good investment for Tulsa. No, they're getting a good suit collection. I'm a nice guy. What is it you have to do for Tulsa? I have to live there. That's the deal.

That's the deal. You have to live there. It has to be, I have to be a remote worker because they don't want you competing with anybody. And it's, I've been to Tulsa. It's not a place where I would feel like they'd have to pay you to live there. It's not Los Angeles. It's much nicer. Way more trees, better tree to human ratio.

It only takes 20 minutes to get from one side to the other. It's nice. And I'll say like something that I actually really like about mid-sized cities that I hadn't anticipated is they, I think, I think they facilitate a melting pot better than large cities do. because like when I lived in New York, you kind of clump with people that are similar to you, not thinking about it. In Tulsa, there are two cigar bars.

So if you like cigars, you're going to meet every black, Latino, gay, transgender person in Tulsa who like cigars. We all are friends and we get along and we hang out. It's nice. So I'm having a good time.

Right. Okay. That's not surprising to me. That's not surprising to me. It's, you're right in New York and Los Angeles. I think that's what happens. You wind up walling yourself off

in these little communities inside of these big communities. Well, because every other community is so hostile to your community. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're like, don't, don't tell anybody, but I'm whatever, fill in the blank.

And the other side is like, if you find any of these guys, kill them. See, conversely, Tulsa's great because you're allowed to just shout compliments at strangers from moving automobiles. Like, not cat call, but like, I'll just roll down the window and like yell at couples on dates and be like, you look fantastic. And they're like, thanks, mister. Because we're basically at the 50s. Yeah. And they'll go off to the sock hop or whatever. I like that.

Go eat Oreos at a bathtub. Yeah, I like that. So you took a mutual friend of ours, or she took you home last night. Yeah. Well, yes, by what you mean. Her and her husband drove me to a friend's house. Yeah. For a second, I thought I had a more fun evening than I did.

I was like, this is great. I'm surprised I found out from Glenn. I took somebody home. Oh, no, she just gave me a ride. Yeah. But she said that you. you have a pretty convincing impression of me. Oh, yeah.

I've got, okay, I've been working on a Glenn Beck impression. Really? Yeah, can I, all right. Stu, would you ask me if I like bananas, if Glenn likes bananas? Glenn, do you like bananas? Have you ever seen a man die from potassium withdrawal? Not a good way to go. So that's my Glenn Beck impression.

Wow, that's great. That's great. Does it apply to, is it? Is it always about potassium? It needs to be deep, a little ominous, and involving potassium. That's what I figured out. All right. So like if I said, hey, how are your kids?

They're great. Now. Because the... Everything is taking place to the vestibule of the apocalypse. Right. Yes. So as long as you can see the apocalypse from where the statement's coming from, you're on. Andrew Heaton, the host.

of his own very successful podcast, The Political Orphanage, comedian, and now the author of the new book, Los Angeles, is hideous. It is a true story and poems written from the heart. Andrew Heaton, as always, good to have you here. Good to be here. Thank you.

Where are you going from here? I'm hanging out until I go on Sto's show later today. Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, we're still on the air. Oh, I'm sorry. No, my bad. It's okay.

He's allowed to mention my show on the air. No, he's saying that's not on this program. Yeah, I'll be here the rest of the day. I'll probably head back to Tulsa tonight or tomorrow. I mean, what are you going to do from here? Are you going to be doing comedy clubs? Are you just going back home to eat? I mean, I assume National Poet Laureate will be the thing.

Yeah, I'll do that. I'll probably travel around the summer. We'll just start doing live meetups. Might go to Scotland again. In other words, you have up until the end of today planned. Yes. That's correct. For retirement purposes.

He'll be playing milk through your nose and yuck yucks in Salt Lake City until the end of September. Los Angeles is hideous. The new book, Get it now. Na, na, na, no.