The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos - A Daily Workout to Tackle Nagging Self-Criticism

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Lots of us hit the gym in January to get fit - but should we also be exercising our minds in preparation for tough times? A daily "self-talk workout" might be just as beneficial as squats and push-ups, says Seattle University psychology professor Rachel Turow.  By practicing simple self-compassion exercises each day - such as breathing techniques - we can prepare for future challenges when we'll need those tools to help us tackle crippling self-criticism or paralyzing sorrow.  Further reading: The Self Talk Workout by Rachel Turow See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Pushkin. Surveys show that this year's top New Year's resolution, the thing that more than 50% of folks who made January resolutions have committed to getting more of in 2023 is exercise. Which, from the perspective of a happiness professor like me, should be a good thing. Because there's lots and lots of scientific evidence that working out regularly can significantly improve our self-reported happiness. But the research shows that our bodies aren't the only things that could use a good workout this year. In fact, our guest today argues that we might want to swap at least some of those New Year's bench presses and leg curls for a different kind of training. One that focuses on toughening something that we often forget

can have a big effect on our stress levels, our performance, and our happiness. We'll see today that if we really want to feel better in 2023, we probably need to devote at least a few of our workouts to improving our inner self-talk. So get ready to sweat out your inner critic and strengthen those self-compassion muscles. Because the Happiness Lab is about to hit the gym for our first ever New Year, New You self-talk workout. Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to be happy.

But what if our minds are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us, leading us away from what will really make us happy? The good news is that understanding the science of the mind can point us all back in the right direction. You're listening to The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos. A lot of people live in that space of putting themselves down all the time. And it's a pretty powerful habit. So it's one we've built up over years and decades, and it can seem a little bit daunting to change it. This is psychologist and Seattle University professor Rachel Turow.

But if you've ever tried a new workout, you know that the first few times are kind of weird sometimes, sometimes a little bit uncomfortable. But after you do it, the more and more you do it, it becomes more natural. And the same is true for how you treat yourself. Rachel is the author of a recent book called The Self-Talk Workout, Six Science-Backed Strategies to Dissolve Self-Criticism and Transform the Voice in Your Head. As you might guess from the title, Rachel thinks we should all be doing training drills Six science-backed strategies to dissolve self-criticism and transform the voice in your head. As you might guess from the title, Rachel thinks we should all be doing training drills, not just for our biceps and our thighs, but also to tone up those harsh voices inside our heads.

So that instead of being mean to ourselves, we're more encouraging, more supportive, and kinder. The idea is to build up these resources, these capacities, so that they are ready to go when you need them and so that you're stronger in general. But before jumping headfirst into our new inner voice workout plan, I wanted Rachel to start by explaining a bit more about what she means by self-talk and how we sometimes get a little nasty with our inner voices. I consider self-talk to be the way that you relate to yourself in your mind. It could be with words. Some people really talk to themselves in words like, okay, I should do this. Why did I do that? I should really be better at this. But it might not be in words. It might be just as a sort of, or sometimes it's hard to catch. But a lot of folks know that, okay, I'm not

treating myself that nicely. I feel a lot of times that I should be different. I should be better. I'm not enough. I'm not doing enough. I'm not good enough. And those are the sort of tapes that get repeated for most of us. Negative self-talk is something that's so common. Like so many of us do it all the time.

Why? If it's so bad for us, why are we doing it all the time? And one of the things you talked about is the idea of a negativity bias. So what's the negativity bias and how does it contribute to this kind of mistaken idea we have about our own self-talk? So the negativity bias is the brain's tendency to pay more attention to the stuff that isn't going well. And you can imagine how that might be evolutionarily advantageous because it helps you survive if you

notice the threats around you and in your environment. The problem is we're kind of too good at it. We also live in a pretty competitive culture where most of us are conditioned to evaluate how good we are, how good we look, how much we've done, and even to pit that against other people we see and how beautiful they are and how much they've accomplished. And that's kind of a drag to be in that culture. Another reason you've talked about why we're so bad at this is just it becomes a habit, right? It's just like a thing that we're used to doing. Talk about why just doing this a lot, talking to ourselves in ways that aren't very positive a lot can just become a self-perpetuating cycle. Right. It's amazing what brains do. I mean, brains learn from experience and that's

usually a really great thing. We're glad to have these brains that learn. But once brains learn, it's a little bit harder to unlearn. Just like, you know, you probably put on your pants the same leg at a time and that's fine, but other habits are really challenging. And self-criticism, I'm kind of thinking of it these days as the smoking of mental health, that it's not so much, okay, how did you start smoking? Who gave you your first cigarette? Of course, those things are bad, but like smoking self-criticism, once it gets going, it sort of takes on a life of its own. Once the pathways are established, they are vulnerable to this automatic activation. So we're very efficient. We automatically go to these mental places that

we're used to going to. They're sort of like our mental homes. I think a final reason that a lot of us are so self-critical, I mean, I know this is definitely true for me, is that we kind of have the sense that it works. We kind of have this theory that like, if we just scream at ourselves and really belittle ourselves, then that will actually get us motivated to change. Is this the correct intuition? Is this the kind of thing you see a lot? Well, I completely agree with you that people believe that. People think that their self-criticism keeps them sharp and motivated and accountable. And that maybe without it, we would just sit on the couch

all day and eat bonbons. We wouldn't do anything. And the research shows that self-criticism is strongly associated with depression, stress, and anxiety. So even if it did motivate us, I don't think it would be worth it, but it's actually not associated with motivation. So people are more motivated to improve themselves if they practice self-compassion. That is being kind and encouraging towards yourself. And you can kind of see how that works. Say you're writing a cover letter to apply to a new job. If you're beating yourself up the whole time, you got to get this written. This is bad. You got to do a better letter. You could see yourself kind of wanting to step away from your computer and go do something else. But if you

relate to yourself in a kind and supportive way and say, you know, I know this isn't the most fun thing, but you can do it. You've written other cover letters before, no problem. Let's do another sentence, great. You can see how that could be a more positive way of relating to yourself. So it's not so much that, you know, you'll lose motivation

or that you're giving yourself permission to never do anything. You're trying to be a good friend to yourself, a friend who wants friend to yourself, a friend who wants you to succeed, who wants you to take action aligned with your goals. If Rachel's idea of talking to yourself like a good friend sounds appealing, then you're in luck.

Because when we get back from the break, we'll hear about how we can work towards more of this kind, positive self-talk in the new year. We'll learn about the exact training we need to strengthen our inner voices and some practical workouts and exercises we can use to relate to ourselves in a healthier way. The Happiness Lab, we'll be right back. Ugh, we're so done with New Year, New You.

This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble.

And find them on Bumble. So I grew up in the 80s and I would hear the song Whitney Houston singing, The Greatest Love of All. The greatest love of all is happening to me. And it was about loving yourself. And I thought that sounded fantastic. And I was completely confused. Psychologist and author Rachel Turow has developed an entire series of workouts that all of us can use to strengthen our inner voices. But Rachel wasn't always an expert in compassionate self-talk. I mean, I

thought that it was great for Whitney. She could love herself. She seemed really happy. I had no idea how to get there. I did not feel great about myself. I knew I wasn't one of the popular kids. I was picked last for sports and I felt awkward and lonely and weird. And how was I going to get to loving myself just by wanting to love myself? But through her training as a clinical psychologist, Rachel was able to find a series of exercises she could use to start relating to herself with a little more kindness. to find a series of exercises she could use to start relating to herself with a little more kindness. And for me, that corresponded with my own kind of forays into mindfulness and compassion practice. Sitting down for several minutes a day, my mind would wander away. I would be distracted and I would get upset at myself for being distracted. And I would try not to get upset

at myself for being distracted. And I would try that over and over and over and over and over. And you're training your brain to judge less by doing the reps. You can only do it by doing the reps. You get distracted and you're going to try not to judge yourself and that is your mind trying something new. That is a rep and you know great it's great that you were distracted a hundred times. That's a hundred reps of trying not to judge yourself and gradually I felt less upset at myself for being distracted. And then that generalized into judging myself less in general. But even though Rachel saw the benefits of mindfulness practices firsthand, she's also quick to admit that diving into meditation can be tough for beginners. So if your harsh inner voice hasn't hit the gym in a while,

she recommends starting off your self-talk workouts a bit more simply. I sort of organized the book from easiest to hardest. I wanted people to kind of warm up before they got into the heavier workouts. So I start with just one breath. So one breath of repeating something kind to yourself as you're breathing. Inhale, my friend. Exhale, my friend, for example. We do know that changing your breathing on purpose can sometimes reduce stress. And we have pretty good physiological evidence that that's the case. It also sort of takes your attention to your physical body away from that endless cycle of rumination in your mind. My students tend to like this one because it's pretty portable. It's one breath. So it seems

doable and you can modify it. You don't have to call yourself your friend or you could use a different language. But even just the phrase, inhale my friend, exhale my friend, you can't really beat yourself up in the same second that you're calling yourself your friend. So it can serve to just kind of pause or interrupt what's happening. And sometimes that pause is really helpful. And practicing it again during times of kind of just regular times, not when you're totally stressed out,

can make that resource more available. So then if you are in a lot of traffic or something difficult happens, it's right there. You're kind of used to it. Okay, inhale my friend, exhale my friend. Okay, what do I need to do next? And I think this is one of the most powerful aspects of this workout metaphor that we've been thinking about for self-talk, right? It's like, if you're doing these reps regularly, when you really need it, they're there for you.

You know, like if you're practicing on the treadmill once a week, you know, if you really have to sprint out of traffic or get somewhere quickly because you're running late for your flight, now all of a sudden it becomes easier. And I know this is something that you mentioned specifically with this Inhale My Friend practice when it comes to kind of dealing with stressful moments with your own kids. Talk a little bit about like when you've used it in more stressful times yourself. Oh my gosh, just, I mean, so often my kids now are three, six, and nine. So you can imagine at breakfast, everybody wants their like four different things in the same moment.

So in between fetching this and that, I just like to say, inhale my friend, exhale my friend. It's also kind of fun to do in a really difficult moment. You know, if somebody's screaming or crying, just, you know, you don't want to take half an hour. You need to respond to what's happening, but often one breath is available. So that's the kind of inhale my friend breathing technique. Another technique that you've talked about is, is what I love, which is known as the spot, the success technique. Tell me a little bit about this one. You know, we have this culture of accomplishment. I think it can really be coming from a good place, but I think that the trap that we fall into is feeling so bad that we're not far enough along, that we haven't done as much as we would like. And then that sort of self-critical

attitude about it can drag us down. So to counteract that emphasis on what we haven't done, how we're not doing enough, there's a practice that I like called spot the success, where instead you notice 10 things, no matter how small, that you have done that have contributed in a good way to yourself, to somebody else, or to the world. And you're not evaluating. You're just acknowledging, okay, I got out of bed. Great. And maybe you took a vitamin or a medication. Maybe you emailed somebody or texted somebody. These actions are super easy to dismiss because they're not the grand accomplishments that we hope for. But if we can get in the habit of acknowledging these small things, it shifts our perspective so that we're not ruminating on

everything we haven't done, but instead engaging and kind of marinating in that feeling for a second of what we have done. One of the things I loved when you talked about the spot the success technique is you mentioned that your students have a kind of strong reaction to this one. So when my students practice spot the success, their first urge is to dismiss it. Well, those are just regular things. You know, they discount the behaviors. Of course, I got out of bed. Of course, I showered. You know, I had to do that. But I think that we run the risk when we take all of our positive behaviors for granted that they don't matter to us.

Maybe we don't build upon them because we're not paying attention to them. And we kind of feel bad about ourselves because we only see ourselves as not doing what we needed to do. It was hard to come up with 10 things. And sometimes I come up with five and I'm like, okay, push yourself. I know there's more, you know, did you get dressed? Okay. So it's, it's really, it's a workout for your brain. Your brain might struggle against it, but with time you're training your mind to pay attention to a different subset of experiences.

So far, we've heard about a few effective beginner self-talk exercises. We've learned how to use the power of our breath to hit pause on our inner rumination cycles so we can speak to ourselves like a friend. We've also seen that we can get our self-talk back on course by spotting our small successes. But when we get back from the break, Rachel's going to up our self-talk workouts a bit. She'll share a few of the more advanced forms of training that she practices with her students and clients. So get ready to take our self-talk workouts to the next level when the Happiness Lab returns in a moment. We'll see you next time. You always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what?

We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble. Paying attention to your breath and spotting small successes can be a great way to begin strength training your inner voice. But if you really want to take your self-talk to the next level, you need to deal with one of the biggest hurdles to treating yourself kindly. Judgment. You know, that inner monologue that tells you that this situation sucks and you're not doing good enough and why do you keep screwing up anyway? Rachel thinks that achieving a healthier inner voice and being

kind to yourself requires finding practices to soften these kinds of judgments. And one of her favorite workouts for doing that involves getting a little curious. How can curiosity help us with judgment? Well, curiosity gives us another kind of mental habit, something different to chew on, right? We're just kind of used to chewing on the judgment. I like this. I don't like that. But yeah, what if you notice something curiously?

And one fun way to do this, I think for students, especially who are struggling to pay attention in class, I like an exercise of noticing 10 things in the room that you're in right now that you haven't noticed before. I mean, you're probably in a room that you've been in many times, but if I look at my ceiling, there's variations in the plaster. Maybe you can notice your feet right now. Your feet can often be pretty neutral. How do they feel in your socks? Can you notice the position of your toes?

And with practice, you can really cultivate this ability to notice without judging. I like to say there's more in this moment. There's always something else to notice. So if you're ever having a moment that just doesn't feel like in this moment, there's always something else to notice. So if you're ever having a moment that just doesn't feel like a wonderful moment, there are different strategies to get through that moment. Maybe you're in a boring movie you went to with a friend and you kind of wish that you weren't there. Well, there might be something else to notice in that moment. You could notice the costumes a little bit more in the movie, or you could notice the

feeling of the texture of the seat. So you do have some choices with respect to what you notice. And sometimes noticing those neutral things can help you survive or endure a moment of suffering. A final practice I wanted to talk about is one that you refer to as allowing all emotions skillfully. What does this mean and how do we do it? It sounds amazing. Allowing all emotions skillfully. I know there's a lot of talk lately about, okay, you should allow your feelings or feel your feelings.

And, you know, I'm a psychologist. So I like that idea. Okay, feel your feelings. It's okay to have feelings. The problem is it's easy to get lost in them. Feelings are just really tough. Emotions are intense and it can feel like you're swallowed up by them or overwhelmed by them. So often I think that in certain times in my life, I thought I was like really in touch with my feelings, but I was ruminating. I was sort of letting myself be swept away in the feelings. And so this idea of allowing all feelings skillfully means thinking about approaching feelings with a different perspective. You're still allowing all

of them, but on top, you're adding a perspective of a kind witness, somebody who cares. You're tapping into that noticing caring part of yourself. You're not going to suppress any of the feelings. This isn't like toxic positivity. You're not bottling up, but you're not only submerged in the feelings. You're also noticing and caring for yourself. So for instance, one of the strategies is Dr. Kristen Neff's

self-compassion break, where you take a moment to really acknowledge that this is a difficult moment. I am suffering in this moment. This is real. And notice with that acknowledgement, you're not criticizing yourself. So you're not beating yourself. I shouldn't have this difficult moment. What's wrong with me? You're really kind of letting yourself feel it. Some people might even say, maybe notice where it is in your body. Again, using that curiosity to open up, maybe notice where it is in your body. Again, using that curiosity to open up,

maybe to allow more and maybe get not only in your head, but kind of notice how that's affecting your body. So that's the first step of the self-compassion break. Noticing, well, this is real. This is a real moment of difficulty. And then reminding yourself that that's part of being human. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, anything bad about you. You might not like it, but part of being human is having difficult feelings. This is something that connects you to other people. It might feel alienating, but this is a human aspect. And then the last step of the self-compassion break is thinking about how can I support myself in this moment? Do I need to connect with a friend? Do I need a walk?

Do I need a glass of water? Do I just need to journal or listen to a piece of music? Or do I just need to kind of sit here and breathe for a few minutes? And you can kind of let that question come up. You might even not answer it immediately, but more you're training that attitude towards suffering. Not like this is terrible, I shouldn't feel this way, but yeah, this is part of life. This is real. How can I support myself?

And so you've been doing these workouts for a long time and you have lots of students who've engaged in these workouts. What are some of the benefits that you've seen of kind of committing to doing these practices over and over and over again and putting the time in the reps in? Well, the one that I'm especially interested in is experiencing less self-criticism. And self-criticism is strongly associated with higher levels of depression, anxiety, and stress. So reducing self-criticism is a wonderful thing to do for your well-being. Also, my students report feeling more comfortable socializing. It can be really tough if you're putting yourself down all the time to really feel like it's okay

to connect with people or talk with people. And there's a lot of social anxiety out there, especially after COVID. Maybe people are even less used to socializing. So people describe being a little bit more open to connection. So there's a lot of different effects that can emerge. And it's been a real pleasure to see my students describe the changes that take place in their minds with new self-talk techniques, and then how that translates into their relationships and their academic work. And have you personally seen the benefits of it? It's been a real game changer for me. So my teenage years, my early 20s were really plagued with a lot of self-criticism.

I felt really bad about myself. And I did feel like that was a core aspect of who I was as a person. And it was really remarkable to me that over the years, my new normal changed so that my default way of relating to myself is kind and encouraging. When things get bad, I have a better sense that this isn't gonna last forever, that even if I'm feeling sort of bad right now,

there are strategies that can help me. And it's very likely that even if it doesn't feel like I'm gonna feel good right away, that I can feel better pretty soon. And that I know that treating myself with more support and kindness feels better. It's a really powerful thing. Once it's sort of established, we talked about that sort of default mental home of like a lot of people live in that space of putting themselves down all the time, but over-practicing, doing the reps, you know, hundreds of thousands of times, being really kind and

encouraging. It's okay. Yep. Yep. Life is hard. You've got a lot of feelings. You're going to do it. It's going to be all right.

Getting into that zone makes it more accessible when you need it. Okay. This is a harder day. Now I can go back to that zone. I know where that place is. I felt it before. So I feel more and more that instead of just wanting to treat myself better, that this is the way that I live in my body now. Of course, sometimes I am self-critical,

but I'm really glad that I have techniques for handling it. And I know that it's not a question of having zero self-criticism, but I'm so glad to experience much less and to be in so much less pain about it. And I'm really glad to learn that there are these techniques that have helped so many people. I hope my conversation with Rachel today has convinced you that you can develop a kinder, healthier inner voice in the new year. The bad news is that just like improving your biceps or your thighs, strengthening your self-talk does take a bit of hard work,

repeated training, and commitment. But the good news is that you can start seeing improvements surprisingly quickly, even with a self-talk workout as simple as taking one intentional breath. Next week, we'll tackle ways to better listen to and strengthen our inner voice when it comes to another New Year's stressor, our jobs. We'll see that a better work-life harmony is possible if we use the right strategies to renegotiate our relationship with work. So I hope you'll be back soon to hear the next special New Year's season episode of The Happiness Lab with me, Dr. Laurie Santos. Until then, let's hit the self-talk gym. Why don't you inhale, my friend, and exhale, my friend. Inhale, my friend, and exhale, my friend. Inhale, my friend,

and exhale, my friend. The Happiness Lab is co-written by Ryan Dilley and is produced by Ryan Dilley and Courtney Guarino. The show was mastered by Evan Viola and our original music was composed by Zachary Silver. Special thanks to Shane Beard, Greta Cohn, Nicole Morano, Morgan Ratner, Maggie Taylor, Jacob Weisberg, my agent Ben Davis, and the rest of the Pushkin team. Thank you.