The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos - Big Bird Has Big Feelings

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

You don't need to be 8 feet tall like Big Bird to have big, big feelings. We all experience emotions of excitement, frustration and sadness that feel overwhelming.  But when Big Bird's fun plans are ruined by rain clouds - Dr Laurie teaches him that there are ways to manage and be prepared for big disappointments and realise that the sun will return soon enough.   (Sesame Workshop is a non-profit organization with a mission to help kids grow smarter, stronger, and kinder. The work they do is funded by donations big and small - so if you want to become a part of their important work to improve children’s emotional well-being, then visit: sesameworkshop.org/support-us/)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ugh, we're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and We love that for you. Someone else will, too. Be more you this year.

And find them on Bumble. Bumble. Pushkin. Dance far away, now clap your hands. To the letter of the day, clap, clap. What's the letter? Clap, clap. What's the letter? Clap, clap, clap, clap. What's the letter? What's the letter? I couldn't have said it or sang it any better myself. This episode is brought to you by the letter F. And that's because we're talking about feelings, big feelings. There's a whole spectrum of big feelings that we can

experience. Things like anticipation, wonder, and joy, and also anger, sadness, and fear. Right now, for example, I'm feeling very excited about our special guest. Big Bird, are you excited too? Well, not so much right now. Hmm, sounds like Big Bird may be having some big feelings too. And not the fun ones. Yeah. When negative emotions come up, our instinct is often to run away from them or just stuff them down and pretend we're feeling a-okay. But we can't wish all our tough emotional weather away. And the science shows we probably shouldn't want to. Because our not-so-nice feelings are there to teach us important lessons. If we're smart enough to listen.

But listening to our big feelings doesn't have to mean suffering while we go through them. There are lots of ways to cope with difficult emotions. Ones that work well whether we're an adult, a kid, or a very bummed-out big yellow bird. Oh, gee. Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us, leading us away from what will really make us happy? The good news is that understanding the science of the mind can point us all back in the right direction.

You're listening to The Happiness Lab with me, Dr. Laurie Santos, and my new friend from Sesame Street, Big Bird. So Big Bird, welcome to The Happiness Lab. Hi, everybody. I really am so happy that you're here. I'm feeling excited to talk all about feelings with you. Yeah. But I'm noticing that you don't look very happy or excited. You're usually all smiley and full of energy. But today, your beak is frowning and your head is hanging down. That doesn't look like you're feeling excited. Well, I was excited, but not anymore. Oh? Why's that?

Well, I was excited to roller skate around Sesame Street today. I was going to skate to Hooper's store and wave to Elmo from his window and even roll past Oscar's can, but now it's all rainy and wet outside and I can't skate anymore. Oh, Big Bird, it sounds like you're feeling disappointed. I am? Disappointed is how you feel when something doesn't happen the way you wanted it to. Like how you wanted to spend the day roller skating, but couldn't because of the weather. Yeah, I am feeling disappointed. I really wanted to skate. I know you did. And it's hard to feel disappointed, but it's okay to feel that way. But I don't like this feeling. I don't want to feel it at all. I want it to go away. I totally get it. But Big Bird, big feelings like disappointment don't just go away that quickly.

Wait, wait, wait. I know how to make this feeling go away. I'll make the rain stop and then I can go outside and roller skate and I won't feel disappointed anymore. Well, it doesn't really work that way, but there are things we can do to help us feel better. Not now, Dr. Laurie. I've got to make this rain stop. But I'll be back later. Bye-bye. What I was trying to tell Big Bird is that, like the rain, we can't wish our feelings away.

And we shouldn't want to either. I think it is very normal to want to suppress certain emotions because some of them do feel really difficult, right? This is Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford. But it's important to know that like no emotions and feelings are bad. It is really just our reactions and how we respond to them. Dr. Joy is a therapist, an author, and host of the podcast Therapy for Black Girls. But it is okay. It is important for us to allow for all of our feelings because that is what makes us human, right? We're not robots. And so the fact that we can have lots of different emotions and feelings

is something that we should be embracing about ourselves. It is a part of what makes us special and unique. But our feelings don't just make us who we are. They also have an important purpose. They're vital signals, helpful messages, which we should heed if we want to stay healthy and happy.

Why, you may ask, is a big feeling like anger or disappointment or sadness a message we shouldn't block out? Well, let's consider another signal that can sometimes feel unpleasant. Pain. If you touch a hot stove, you'll automatically experience an uncomfortable feeling. Your body's way of saying, yo, something is wrong, pay attention and move your hand now. Uncomfortable emotional feelings work the same way. When we experience disappointment like Big Bird did, our brains are saying, hey, something we expected didn't happen. What gives? We should fix that. When we feel angry or frustrated, our mind is telling us, hey, something is unfair right now.

Make it right. Sadness signals that one of our important needs isn't being met. And the feeling of overwhelm usually means there's way too much on our plate and we might need a break. And so paying attention to our feelings can really clue us into something else that may be going on. And if we keep avoiding these feelings that feel scary for us, we never teach ourselves that, hey, this was hard, but I did it. Right.

And so that's something I think is really important for us to hold never teach ourselves that, hey, this was hard, but I did it. Right. And so that's something I think is really important for us to hold on to is that difficult things happen in life and they may feel scary and really hard to go through, but we can go through them often with the support of people who love us and can help us kind of face those things that we are most afraid of. Dr. Joyce Wright, our worry that we'll be swamped by the unpleasantness of big feelings is often exaggerated. But we can also learn practical strategies to feel less overwhelmed when bad things do happen. And Dr. Joyce says we should start learning these strategies as soon as we can.

Because emotions are a part of our lives, right? Like there will be difficult things that come up throughout our lives. And so I think as soon as possible for young people, we can teach them about how to kind of take the level down on their emotionality or how to take care of themselves when they have big emotions. Dr. Joy thinks we need to explicitly teach kids to manage their big feelings, a process that's called emotional self-regulation. She says coaching kids in emotional self-regulation is as critical as teaching them their ABCs and 123s. critical as teaching them their ABCs and 123s. I think there is never a time when you're too young to learn, like, how do you do a better job of taking care of yourself and, like, learning how to be a better human. Research shows that children who struggle to manage emotions have worse family and peer relationships. Their performance in school suffers, and they have a higher risk of

developing emotional disorders later in life. And Dr. Joy has put this into practice with her own two children. So I have a nine-year-old and a seven-year-old and my family is in Louisiana. So we will typically go and visit a couple of times a year. And my seven-year-old always has a very, very, very difficult time like leaving his grandparents. And it often means, you know, like lots of crying and, you know, like some acting up. And so what I try to do is like talk with him about the fact that it's OK to miss your grandparents, to kind of breathe through whatever you're feeling and, you know, to allow it. Of course, children aren't the only ones who need lessons and how to breathe through the tough times. When it comes to big feelings, we're all fragile kids at heart. And that means that we adults also need strategies for navigating our

difficult emotions too. You know, I think sometimes as parents, it is also very hard for us to like regulate ourselves when our kids have big emotions because we are really overworked and over busy. I think what often gets activated for us as parents is like, oh my gosh, I don't know what to do. Like, I don't know how to help them. And what often ends up happening is that we get maybe irritable or angry and like maybe start yelling or, you know, doing things that we would not typically do in the interest of like trying to help our child. Dr. Joy's first suggestion for big people is to remember that big emotions like anger and irritability are helpful. They're signals that are telling us something important about our unmet needs. So have you not been getting enough sleep?

Are you feeling undervalued? Do you feel like there should be somebody who's helping you more? Like that typically is a clue that something else is going on. And so I think that that is especially for parents something to pay attention to, that if you're finding yourself having these responses that are way bigger than the situation called for, there's probably a need to slow down and figure out what else is going on in the background. After the break, we'll talk more about how to slow down

and interrogate our big feelings. We'll also hear that just like a passing rainstorm, the dark clouds of our emotions will often quickly clear up to reveal something sunnier. The Happiness Lab will be right back. feel something sunnier. The Happiness Lab will be right back. Ugh, we're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want.

And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will, too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble. We're back with Big Bird. Hi there. Who still looks like he's disappointed. I am. I tried and I tried to make the rain stop so I could roller skate.

I wished it away. I sang, rain, rain, go away. And I even asked the clouds really nicely to stop raining. And did they listen? No. It's still all rainy outside. Big Bird, I know you tried really hard, but we can't wish the weather away. Feelings are just like that.

We can't make them go away, but we can work through them to help ourselves feel better. We can? Yep. And I've got another special guest who has some great tips on just how we can do that. We've always focused on children's social and emotional development. Sesame Street is about laying those foundational skills to get ready for school, but to get ready for life. There are life lessons taught on Sesame Street. Dr. Rosemary Trulio is Senior Vice President for Curriculum and Content

at Sesame Workshop. Rosemary is also a parent, so she knows just how hard it can be to help kids when they're facing challenging emotions. We all know young children, when they're overwhelmed by their big feelings, they kind of shut down. We can't reach them. We can't talk to them. We can't reason with them. But Rosemary says that adults can help to coach their kids through tough emotional weather. The first step is awareness. When kids are experiencing a big emotion, we need to explicitly acknowledge it and then to explicitly say that it's okay for them to be feeling whatever it is they're feeling. Children need to feel validated, right? They need to know that you understand that they're having a big feeling. They also need to build what we're calling emotional vocabulary.

Children don't often have the words to describe what they're feeling, which is a problem because labeling our emotions often takes away some of their sting. Rosemary suggests that caregivers walk children through some possible labels for their big feelings. Something like, you must be feeling sad or frustrated or disappointed. And be sure to get specific. Your goal is to help the young people around you to build up as wide and detailed and emotional vocabulary as possible. And once you've helped identify a child's big feeling, then it's time to help them manage that emotion. Rosemary says the most effective way for parents to do that is not through words, but through behavior. We as adults are modeling for our children how we

react to our own big feelings. Whether we like it or not, our kids see the strategies we use to deal with our own challenging moments, which means adults need to be prepared too. And we need a whole toolbox of strategies to help us be with our emotions so that we could be in the moment for our children. Just as we have rain gear to go out in stormy weather, we need to be ready with our mental umbrellas and rubber boots to tackle nasty emotional weather. That'll help us ride out the storm and also let us serve as role models for the littler people around us. If they see us engage in these strategies, they will then copy and be able to learn and use these strategies

for their own big feelings. So Big Bird, let's think about this. It's raining outside, right? Yeah. And what might help keep you dry from the rain? An umbrella. That's right. And what else? An umbrella hat. That could work too.

Yeah. What else? What's something you could wear on your body or your feet? Oh, how about a raincoat? I have a big yellow one that matches my feathers. And on my feet, I can wear my galoshes. They're blue. Exactly. Your rain gear sounds very fashionable, by the way. I love my rain gear. My galoshes make the best splashes in puddles when I jump around.

Splish, splash, splish, splash. Hey, if I put on my rain gear, I can go outside and jump in puddles. See you later, Dr. Lori. Bye-bye. Well, it was good to see my friend smiling again. I guess while he's off enjoying those puddles, we can get a bit more into the specifics. So what are the psychological umbrellas and galoshes that people of all ages can use to keep dry in an emotional storm? Podcaster and therapist Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford has some ideas. The key for a lot of these strategies is to practice them before you need them. has some ideas. The key for a lot of these strategies is to practice them before you need them, right? Because you don't want to be having like an attack of big feelings and you're like, oh, where did I put that index card that I wrote that thing on? So the key for a lot of this is

really to kind of get it together before you actually need them. Like many things in life, successful emotional management comes down to advanced preparation. And just as we keep an umbrella or a rain hat by the door, Dr. Joyce suggests we create an emotional weather coping kit, a box we can open up whenever a big feeling strikes. So could you put a stress ball in there or some Play-Doh that you can kind of play with and hold in your hand? Can you include one of your favorite scents, either through a lotion or a candle? Maybe a puzzle book that you enjoy doing, a picture of you and friends or family doing something that you really enjoyed. And putting all of this together in a box so that when you have these big emotions, when you feel an attack of big feelings, you can go to your kid and spend some time there. Enjoying a relaxing scent or texture works to regulate our emotions because sensations like smell and touch bring us out of our big feelings.

Dr. Joy even recommends a little cold therapy. When a big emotion hits, run your wrist under cold water or grab an ice cube from the freezer. The experience of holding an ice cube in your hand or experiencing cold water really tricks your brain into focusing on that as opposed to whatever it was you were worried or feeling before. But Dr. Joy's personal favorite hack is exercise. Moving our bodies helps us feel more grounded and less emotionally volatile.

It doesn't have to be super strenuous, right? Like you don't have to run a 10K. You could just dance in the middle of your living room or go for a walk around the block. When I find myself like overwhelmed and like, okay, I just need a moment, I will often reach for my hula hoop and just give myself some time to hula hoop in the middle of my kitchen. And that typically brings down my big feelings. But there's a way to tackle big feelings without breaking a sweat. We can just use our breath. Let's pause for a quick nerdy biology lesson. Big feelings like anger and fear are

governed by what's called our autonomic nervous system. Its job is to prepare our bodies for emergencies. But the autonomic nervous system has two parts. Most of the time, our bodies are in rest and digest mode, which is governed by the parasympathetic part of that system. But when challenges arise, we switch to fight or flight mode and turn on the sympathetic nervous system instead. The sympathetic nervous system is what speeds up our heart rate when we get mad and makes our skin crawl and our pupils dilate when we feel scared. We can't really control when this sympathetic fight-or-flight response kicks in,

but we can dial down the stress it causes with deep belly breaths. And that's because slow breathing helps our rest and digest parasympathetic system come back online. When we focus on our breath, we may realize that our heart rate decreases. When we focus on our breath, we realize we have less tension like in our shoulders or in our backs. When we are focused on our breath, we can kind of just have more clarity. And it really just slows all of these things down so that you are not feeling so overwhelmed. Because I think a lot of times when we have big emotions, our heart rate increases, we may feel sweaty, our hands may be shaky. But if we can just focus on our breath and focus on slowing it down a little bit, then we see

all of the rest of that slow down as well. But there's still one more method Dr. Joyce says we should all be using to regulate our big feelings. We need to make sure we're not facing life's big challenges alone. We all maybe have the experience of like trying to pick up a box that is too heavy. But then if like your mom or your brother helps you to pick it up, then it's a little lighter. And that is the same kind of thing I think we can use for when we have big feelings. So when we have big feelings and we talk with other people about it, it doesn't feel as heavy anymore. Emotional self-regulation involves the self, but it doesn't need to take place by yourself. By talking with someone about our big feelings, we can feel less isolated. That feeling of calm and humanity we get from talking hard feelings out also helps to reduce the shame that often comes from experiencing strong emotions.

There's no emotion that you are feeling that someone else has not felt. Sharing our emotions with other people can also allow us to get some much needed advice. It's a strategy that's particularly helpful for young children who often need wiser counsel. But adults shouldn't be shy of phoning in a wise friend either. Because that really unlocks the shame that I think a lot of us have. A lot of us don't really know all of what we're doing and we're all just trying to do the very best that we can. And so I have found that sharing with other people like, hey, I'm struggling with this thing. You really find some community around that of other people saying like, oh, yeah,

we went through that and we didn't know what to do either. And so I think being able to say, I don't know and I don't have all the answers really releases some of that shame that can often make us feel stuck. It's time to take a quick break. But when we get back, we'll check in on Big Bird and see how his big feelings are going now that he's out playing in the rain. The Happiness Lab will be right back. Splish, splash, splish, splash, splish, splash, splish, splash.

Ugh, we're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too.

Be more you this year and find them on Bumble. I'm Bumble. Big Bird, you're back. Yeah. How was the puddle jumping? Oh, uh, it was, it was okay. Just okay? Yeah, well, the puddles were really fun, and I made this one splash that was so big it went sploosh.

Whoa, I mean, that sounds big. Yeah. And really fun. Yeah. But when I got back inside, I saw my roller skates, and they were just sitting there. Puddles were fun, but I really, really wanted to skate today. And now I'm disappointed all over again. Oh, I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed again. Am I going to feel this way forever?

Oh, no. I know it feels like that, but feelings come and go. Just like how you were excited to jump in puddles, you'll be excited again. But for now, there are things we can do together to help you feel better. Oh yeah. One of my favorites is a suggestion that I heard from Sesame Workshop's Dr. Rosemarie Trulio. It's called the glitter jar. Oh, I love theitter Jar. It's used a lot at Sesame Workshop. The Glitter Jar is something you can make yourself or with the help of your kids. All you do is fill a sealable jar or bottle with water, a little glue, and any brightly colored glitter. When big feelings strike, grab your jar, shake it up, and watch all the colors circle

around inside the jar. When you shake the glitter jar, all the glitter is swirling around. That glitter represents all the big feelings swirling around inside our bodies. Watching patiently as the glitter slowly settles gives us something to focus on other than our big feelings. It also gives us a moment to pause and catch our breath. big feelings. It also gives us a moment to pause and catch our breath. Physiologically, you are calming your body down. And that is an opportunity then to talk about the big feeling you're having, because the jar has settled, but you have settled those big feelings as well. I figured it was just the sparkly thing to help Big Bird regulate his disappointment. Ooh, what is that?

It's called a glitter jar, Big Bird. Oh, that's pretty. Look at all the sparkly orange glitter. Oh, can I hold it? Can I? You sure can. Here you go. Thank you. And now that you have the jar, let's try something together. Okay.

Breathe slowly in through your nose and slowly out through your mouth. Now give the jar a shake and watch as the glitter swirls around. Oh. It's kind of like how your feelings are swirling around in your body on the inside. And watching the glitter float down to the bottom of the jar

can help us all feel relaxed. I am feeling a little bit better after shaking the jar and watching the glitter. You know, I think I've got one more thing that might help you feel even better. Okay, what is it? How about a game? I do like games. All right.

Great. Well, this one is called 5-4-3-2-1. 5-4-3-2-1 is a great way to get out of your emotions and into your senses. You can use it whenever a big feeling hits. Here's how it works. You start by listing five things you can see, followed by four things you can hear, then three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and then one thing you can taste. You know what I think, Dr. Laurie?

What's that, Big Bird? My friend, the Count, would like this game very much. I bet he would. And maybe you can teach it to him later. But what do you say? Want to try it with me now? Okay. Well, let's try.

Great. So let's start off with the number five. I want you to look all around you. What are five things you can see? Five things I can see. Well, I see you. Hi, Dr. Laurie. Hi, Big Bird.

What else? I see a pretty picture of a flower on the wall. And look, there's a little squirrel outside the window. And I see lots of colorful books on that shelf over there. Is that five things? Almost. Let's hear one more. One more. Uh, and I see...

Oh, I see my orange feet. And I hear them, too. Which is the next part of the game. What are four things you can hear? Four things I can hear. Well, my feet when I go like this. And I can hear, oh, that sounded like a car driving by. Beep, beep.

And, oh, something squeaky. Oh, that's my chair. Nice listening, Big Bird. How about one more? One more. Well, I'm listening, but I don't hear anything else. I think I can help. I knew this button on our soundboard would come in handy one day.

Chickens. I hear chickens clucking. That's a silly button, Dr. Laurie. What can I say? It's good for a laugh. And it helped you get to four things you could hear. Yeah. Which brings us to the number... Dr. Lori. What can I say? It's good for a laugh. And it helped you get to four things you could hear. Yeah. Which brings us to the number three. Right. What are three things you can touch? Three things I can touch? Well, I can touch the feathers on my tummy. They're so

soft. And I can touch this desk right here. It's very smooth. And I can touch... Dr. Lori, can I press one of those buttons too? Sure, you can. Try that one. Okay. I can touch this button. It's clapping. Oh, for me? Thank you. Thank you very much. Isn't that button the best? Yeah. Okay. That brings us to two. What are two things you can smell? Two things I can smell.

I smell, oh, I smell cookies. So do I, and they smell good. Yeah. I think Alan must be baking over at Hooper's store. Say, Big Bird, why don't you pretend you're in Hooper's store? What else might you smell if you were there? Okay. If I was in Hooper's store. What else might you smell if you were there? Okay, um, if I was in Hooper's store, well, Alan makes all kinds of things there like, um, oh, my favorite, strawberry birdseed

smoothies. It smells so sweet, like berries. And that brings us to one, one thing you can taste. Keep pretending you're in Hooper's store, Big Bird. Imagine you're tasting that delicious strawberry birdseed smoothie. It's cold and birdseedy and I can taste those yummy strawberries. I could really go for a smoothie right now. Then I'd say the 5-4-3-2-1 game did its job. So, Big Bird, how are you feeling now? Like I really want a birdseed smoothie. Exactly. We got you thinking about something else by using your senses.

Yeah. And you know what? Think I read that Tuesday's smoothie of the day at Hooper's is a strawberry birdseed smoothie. No kidding. Wait, what is today? You're not going to believe this, but today is Tuesday. It is? Oh, you're going to love Hooper's store, Dr. Laurie. Did I mention that strawberry birdseed is my most favorite kind of smoothie ever? You did, but you can tell me more about it on our walk to Hooper's.

Don't forget your umbrella. I won't. Strawberry smoothies, here we come. Even though it's still raining out, it looks like Big Bird's emotional weather has cleared up. Big feelings don't always feel good, no matter how old you are. But the science shows that we can prepare for big feelings, just like we get ready for the changing weather. If rain is forecast, you bring an umbrella. And if your emotional weather winds up full of stress or disappointment, you can try some deep belly breaths or a quick gaze at a glitter jar. If you're feeling too giddy or anxious, why not try moving your body or dancing your feelings out? With the right strategies, we can stay happy by

preparing for big feelings, just like we plan for big weather. In our next episode, I'll be joined by my friend, Grover. Dr. Lori, the paper, did you forget? Oh, sorry about that. Our next special guest has given me the following instructions to read aloud. Here it goes. I'm joined by my friend. He's cute. He's fuzzy.

He's everyone's favorite emotional well-being expert. Well, I don't know about that one. But he is everyone's favorite cuddly blue monster. He's Grover! Grover, that wasn't my line. Oh, I am so sorry. I got a little caught up in all the excitement. I just love a good introduction,

especially when it is one that is talking about me. I love that positivity, Grover. There's a lot we can learn from you. There is? I mean, yes, of course there is. I am a very smart monster, you know. I do, and I'm glad you do, too. That's why you and I are talking about the benefits of positive self-talk

on the next episode of the podcast. Yes, we are excellent podcasters. You listeners are going to love it. Until next time. Bye, friends. Bye-bye, everybody. The Happiness Lab is co-written and produced by Ryan Dilley. Our original music was composed by Zachary Silver

with additional scoring, mixing, and mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice Fiennes offered additional production support. We'd like to thank the amazing Sesame Street puppeteers, Leslie Carrera-Rudolph, Ryan Dillon, Eric Jacobson, and Matt Vogel. And special thank yous to the folks over at Sesame Workshop, Emily Bandy, Alyssa Chihi, Gabriela DeGennaro, Jessica Salvo, Mindy Fila, Rocio Galarza, Akimi Gibson, Ivan Gonzalez, Karen Leibovich, Rosemary Trulio,

Kay Wilson-Stallings, and Steve Youngwood. Special thanks to my agent Ben Davis and all of the Pushkin crew. The Happiness Lab is brought to you by Pushkin Industries and me, Dr. Laurie Santos. Ugh, we're so done with New Year, New You. We'll see you next time. you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you.

Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble.