The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos - 'I Woke up in an Ambulance Stuck in Traffic.' : A Listener's Story of Recovery

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Rebecca Kaduru was driving home... then woke up in an ambulance. She'd been in involved in an accident and her face was smashed. Living in Uganda, she struggled to receive appropriate care for her injuries - making her healing process dishearteningly slow and painful.  It was then that Rebecca stumbled across an episode of The Happiness Lab about JR Martinez - an army veteran badly burned in Iraq. His story brought her comfort and the confidence to keep on her path to recovery. We hear about Rebecca's ordeal and introduce her to JR.  NEXT TIME: To give you a chance to hear the episode that inspired Rebecca, we'll republish it on The Happiness Lab feed.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ugh, we're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble.

Pushkin. I just remember probably maybe up to about 30 minutes before the accident happened. This is Rebecca Kuduru. As you'll hear, it's probably a blessing that Rebecca had no recollection of the tragic events that unfolded when she and her young family took their familiar drive home on December 6, 2018. Rebecca's memories of that awful day resume a few hours after she'd been removed from the wreckage of her car.

But in that gap, something terrible had happened to Rebecca, and something very important had been taken away. I had broken my nose, I had broken my jaw, and I had shattered both my eye socket, the external part, and the internal part, and was very fortunate not to have any actual brain injury. All of those severe facial injuries, combined with problems accessing appropriate treatment, left Rebecca struggling to rebuild her pre-accident life and left her staring at a face in the mirror she neither recognized nor liked. Why am I telling you Rebecca's story? Well, during her long and difficult road to recovery,

Rebecca discovered the Happiness Lab. She devoured the show on her daily walks through the neighborhood. And one day, she reached an episode that we put out in late 2019. It's funny because growing up, I always heard, God, he's so cute. He's so this, he's so that. And so I grew up just thinking like, that's what I am. You know, no one ever said he has an amazing personality. It was cute. This is J.R. Martinez. As a handsome teenager, personality. It was cute. This is J.R. Martinez. As a handsome teenager, J.R. joined the army and went off to war, where a roadside bomb turned the vehicle he was driving into a fireball. J.R. was horrifically burned. And so suddenly, I look at myself and I'm like, that's not cute what I see in the mirror. The old J.R. had died. And as you can imagine, I was depressed. I was angry. I was resentful.

I was a victim in every sense of the word. In the episode, J.R. explained that he'd lost not just his face, but also his career. The Army had no place for such a badly injured soldier. When Rebecca listened to J.R.'s story on that fateful walk, she was floored. It was like instantaneouslyaneously tears just burst out of my eyes and I like collapsed onto my knees on the sidewalk. Many of you have told me that you've benefited from listening to the show, that you've learned helpful strategies that have brought you greater happiness, or that you felt a deep connection to a particular story we talked about, or that you've even found a kindred spirit in one of our many interviewees, someone who made you feel less alone in whatever struggles you were facing.

But Rebecca's story about the impact the show has had on her life is one of the most poignant I've heard. And so, of course, I couldn't help but share Rebecca's journey with all of you. I lived in Uganda for about 10 years, and I started a social enterprise there called Cat Africa with my now husband. We weren't married at the time. It's amazing that we still ended up getting married after working together. And we were located about four hours outside of the capital city, Kampala. So we would often drive back and forth for meetings or even basic grocery shopping. Paula. So we would often drive back and forth for meetings or even basic grocery shopping. And this particular morning, we were trying to get back to the town we lived in called Fort Portal.

It was a drive that we had done probably hundreds of times. And as we were driving, a drunk man walked onto the highway that we were driving on. And as my husband tried to swerve to avoid him, our car ended up rolling. We rolled probably seven or eight times and landed in a tree. Everyone was fine. My husband was in the car. My 14-month-old was in the car. Her nanny and our nanny's son was in the car. And everyone was fine, except for me. I was on the side of the car that hit a tree. And I just completely shattered the left side of my face. What I remember is coming to what probably was about two hours later in the back of an ambulance. And just, I have this vivid memory of people staring in at me with like pretty amazed facial expressions, horrified maybe is a better word. I looked down and I was wearing someone else's shirt.

I didn't really understand why and was just completely covered in blood. And the thing that confused me the most is I asked my husband, where am I? And he said, you're in the back of an ambulance. And I said, why is there no siren on? We're stuck in traffic. And he turned to the driver and said, can you turn the siren on? And the driver said, the siren's broken. So we were stuck just in this traffic jam, probably for about an hour and a half from the time that I remember people staring at me to getting to a hospital. I was informed later that all of our belongings were actually stolen by people who just kind of witnessed the crash. And a good Samaritan picked us up on the roadside, drove me to what is

considered a regional referral hospital. So Uganda has different tiers of hospitals. And this was like the highest tier of care. So where a woman would go if she needed an emergency C-section. And my husband brought me in, I don't remember anything, and said, you know, we need help. And there was no doctor there. They didn't end up having sutures that they could use for stitches or gauze. So my husband left me on the floor of the lobby of this hospital and went to a nearby pharmacy and bought the materials. And they basically just kind of stitched me up. I still have scars from it. I would say each stitch is probably an inch wide, like a nurse just did the best that she could on the floor of this hospital lobby. And then my husband found this ambulance and it didn't have

gas and had to fill it. And it was the same ambulance an hour and a half later that I was like, hey, where's the siren? So all in all, it was probably a four-hour journey from the time of the accident to getting to a hospital. Wow. And so you finally make it to this hospital. And then what happens next? I was brought in and I remember they said, okay, we're going to restitch your face. And I said, please don't. Can someone please call a plastic surgeon? And I don't know why that was my reaction, but apparently there was one plastic surgeon in Uganda and they called him and he agreed to come the next morning at 6am. He said he did more than a thousand stitches. Then they kind of alluded like, oh, there's, there's a few things

that might be broken, but we think everything's okay. And, you know, a maxillofacial surgeon came in the next day and was like, there's something very small we need to fix. Her jaw, it has a crack in it. So I'm just going to put a plate in her jaw. And my husband had said at the time, don't do anything. Just do whatever you have to stabilize her to get to the US. Like she's American. She has US health insurance. Just do the basics.

And they said, we're just doing the basics. And I went in for the second procedure and I came out and looked and I had plates put in my face in multiple locations. And so it was this very weird experience that's different from the American health care system where the baseline was she'll never understand what's actually happening to her. So we don't really need to share it. It's just like this is so bizarre that no one is walking us through this process before it happens. The doctors in Uganda kept saying, you're really swollen. It's going to take two to three years for it to go down. And I was looking and there was something very weird happening with my left eye where it really looked like it was kind of sunken back in my head. And they said,

it's the swelling. It actually hasn't moved. hasn't moved. You know, my mom flew out and she said, there's this eye institute at Stanford and I'm going to get you an appointment. And I got back to California, which was where my parents were living. And the first thing the doctor said is, I'm going to need to do another CT scan. I said, oh no, no, don't worry. I have this one from Uganda. They said everything was fixed. So I got the results before a doctor's appointment, which is never a good idea to look at and start Googling them. It was basically like everything in my face was broken. My nose was broken. My jaw was broken.

My eye socket was broken. Like my orbital floor, which is like the part of your bone that holds up your eye, was totally shattered. And the way that these plates had put in was kind of like protruding. So the doctors told me they had never seen so much damage to someone's face or eye socket without damage to the brain or eyeball. And so they weren't able to tell me if it was the accident itself or the subsequent surgeries that were kind of done non-consensually in Uganda that led to all the damage. But it was kind of shocking because I just flew back thinking I was having an eye exam.

And I was in for a solid year of reconstruction at that point. And me and my husband and daughter were living in a single bedroom in my parents' house at this point. So it was a crazy time. And so what was that like? Because I feel like sometimes when tragedies like this happen, well-intentioned people are telling you things like, you should be so lucky to be alive. I mean, was that the kind of thing you were hearing? How are you feeling? Yeah, totally.

So I felt the need, particularly as a mom to a young child, to put on a face of, I'll get through this. This is okay. But it sucked. And people used to all the time say, I'm so sorry this happened to you, but God only gives you what you can handle. Or I'm so thankful that you're alive. And there was points where I was like, well, really?

Because I wish I wasn't. This is me having to go through a year of really, really hard work, never knowing how the results are going to look. And my vision was very messed up from this as well, because my eyes, even to this day, they're not on the same plane with each other. And so there was times where I said, it's easier for you that I survived, that you don't have to go through this grieving process, but it's a lot of work for me. And I didn't make that choice to survive this and have to put in the work. And there was times where I wished like, maybe I didn't want to survive this. It's definitely for the betterment of other people than it is for me. That was really how I felt in the moment. And then the other thing people used to say to me all the time is, don't worry, you're beautiful just the way you are. And I was like,

that is just not what I need to hear right now. I don't feel beautiful. I am pretty set on doing what it takes to recover. And what I want to hear from you as my support system is you go out and do whatever it takes to feel whole. And I had some friends and family who were really receptive to that feedback. And I remember one friend in particular was like, wow, have you considered therapy? And it was like, I think we're so conditioned to tell people that the outside doesn't matter. And sometimes that's not helpful for people, especially when you're mourning.

There's different processes you go through, like aging, where your appearance changes slowly, but you have time to process that. It's really shocking when like a single event that was out of your control, like completely or literally in my sense, shatters your appearance. And I think this is particularly tricky because, you know, all the folks who are telling you these things were really well-intentioned, but I think they were falling prey to something that I see in this work all the time, which is we assume that any negative emotion is bad, whether it's grief or frustration or just being angry at the circumstances the universe brought you. And that's what a lot of researchers think of as toxic positivity, right? We think we're supposed to be positive all the time. Totally. You know, but talk about how important it was

to you to kind of have room to hold space for these negative emotions. Totally. I think the thing I appreciated the most was when people said, how are you doing? And I could just be like, this sucks. This is really shitty. And that's something I've taken, you know, forward with me. I have a friend who I reached out to after she had a pretty late miscarriage. And I just sent her a message and I said, I just want you to know, this sucks. If you want to have someone to talk to, I just... How shitty, for lack of a better word, your situation is, I'm here. And she reached out and she was like, that was actually the most powerful thing that someone said, because sometimes it's just nice to let people know or, you know, affirm for them that

yes, what happened to you sucks. And no, it's not about being stronger on the other side. You can appreciate it for what it is. And it's, it's not nice. And not everyone will have to go through that. And you do have a long road ahead of you and giving people space to process that versus making them feel, like I said earlier, there was a big pressure to feel happy for other people. And I still did that for my daughter because she was too young to really be able to understand both sides of that. I think she's almost six now and we have a lot of conversations about it.

And I do think she could understand it now, but it was a relief and now it's a big thing that I offer to other people of just being able to say, what happened to you sucks? And that's that. And I think part of the awfulness of the situation is that very few people can understand it, right? Very few people can understand being in such a scary accident, having such terrible medical care, navigating the grief that comes with your looks changing. You know, this was a spot where it sounds like you felt pretty isolated. Totally. And I think one of the big challenges as well is, you know, my husband was driving and it was a complete accident and also really hard not wanting someone to blame for that. And I know it was hard for him as well on the other side. And so there's so much more than just how it impacts you. And it's hard

to have to bear the burden of recovery and work through the elements of experiencing trauma, especially in a situation where multiple people experienced it. And so this kind of gets to, you know, the point in the story where we wound up connecting, because my understanding is that, you know, when you get back to the States, you're, you know, looking for some solace, you know, trying to find some hints of things that, you know, could help you feel better. And so tell a little bit about the story about how you happened across the podcast. Yeah. So I started listening to the podcast probably more towards the end of my recovery journey. So I would have a procedure and then I'd have to wait three months for so long to go down. And then I'd have the next one and then I'd wait three months. So I, at that point, started walking

a lot and really learned that what I enjoyed doing when I walked was listening to podcasts. And yours showed up. I don't even know how the algorithm found me. So I would wake up in the morning and I would put your podcast on and I would walk with the dog sometimes like five or six miles. And I listened to the episode where you had JR on and he mentioned what it was like to have always been told you were really good looking and how it felt to be like, well, that's now gone. And it was like instantaneously tears just burst out of my eyes and I like collapsed onto my knees on the sidewalk. I don't think anyone saw me. No one checked on me. I was just like, this is the first time I've actually heard someone repeat back to me

going through this experience because it was very isolating and no one knows how to react to you and no one knows how to make it feel better. And it was like the first time I just heard someone really say, this was so awful and so transformative and share a lot of the same experience. And, you know, though I think our injuries were very different, it was like he was speaking my language. For the first time, someone really said out loud what I was feeling. So the mighty algorithm had given Rebecca a gift and connected her to a voice she could relate to.

JR's story didn't completely map on to what Rebecca was going through, but she saw a lot of herself in his journey. Just as JR's injuries had ended his beloved military career, Rebecca's work life had been collapsing under the strain of her painful path to recovery. Like JR, Rebecca was also in danger of being robbed of purpose and direction. After the break, we'll hear how she rebuilt her sense of self, and we'll introduce her to the man whose story she found so helpful. The Happiness Lab will be right back.

Ugh, we're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you.

Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble. In the aftermath of his severe burns, J.R. Martinez lost not only the face he'd known up until that point, but also another important piece of his identity. He could no longer be a soldier and serve among his friends and comrades. But after a dark and lonely chapter in his life, J.R. found new purpose.

First as an actor portraying a wounded veteran on TV, then as an advocate for his fellow wounded vets. Because of these scars, I have this incredible ability to get people's attention. The 15 seconds of curiosity, right? Like, who is that? What happened to him? Those 15 seconds of curiosity that people have, it's my job, mine, to take that 15 seconds and turn it into 30 seconds, into 45, into 60 seconds, into 5 minutes, 10 minutes of actual educated dialogue. I've been able to make a difference, and I think that to me is more important than anything else. When she listened to JR on the Happiness Lab,

Rebecca Kuduru was in awe of JR's bravery, but she knew she couldn't engage publicly with her injured face in the way JR had. I really commend how, you know, public he has been able to be. I really could appreciate how he has been able to leverage his personal experience and use that as a way to kind of teach and connect with others. And for me, I realized very early on that I didn't have the emotional bandwidth to do that. So I have a lot of respect for him and felt okay listening to him. It's like, okay, this was what he learned from it. And I learned something very different, which was that I needed to compartmentalize what happened to it. And I learned something very different, which was that I needed to compartmentalize what happened to me. And people kept saying, you know, why don't you buy

a journal? Or why don't you start an Instagram and you can document this. And I went as far as buying a journal and like a nice pen and never was able to open it. It was like the moment I write this down, it solidifies that this is what happened. And it creates a situation where I can go back and relive it anytime I open that book. And it was like, in my soul, I knew I didn't have the ability to do that. And so I have pictures of how my recovery journey went. And I've never really shared them with anyone because it was just something that I was like, this is an experience I'm going to keep for me.

And the other thing I'll share that happened is I was ironically working for a health equity organization at the time of this. And it seems silly in 2023. But at the time in 2019, when I really realized the extent of what my recovery was going to be, I went to them and I said, I'm going to need remote working accommodations. And they were basically like, that's a no-go for us. I was presented with a severance package that included basically taking it to keep a runway on my health insurance. And so I really got a crash course in how tied Americans are between their workplace and their health and set goals for myself that I was going to use this as an opportunity. I've always been very career-driven and very goal-oriented. And where this kind of went to me was like,

this is going to be a challenge for me. And I'm going to get into leadership opportunities. And I'm going to make sure that everyone that works with me never feels this way again. And so that was kind of where I focused this. I'm going to focus on rebuilding and reshaping my ability to have impact on other people through the workplace. Because that was hard. It was really hard to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself. And then so much of your identity within the United States is tied to your work.

And then have that pulled away too. It was tough. It was like a lot to take in at one time. And that was kind of the goal I set for myself. So where we've had really different stories and how we grew from our trauma, that for me was where I was like, this is what I know I can take on. This is who I am as a person. I've always been goal-oriented. I've always been career-oriented. I was an entrepreneur. I started an organization. So that was how it really came to fruition for me. So hearing how influential JR was to your story and how meaningful it was for you to hear kind of what he went through and kind of how he recovered and how he dealt with this trauma.

Yeah. We wanted to give you a little bit of a gift for sharing your story on the Happiness Lab. And so we've actually brought JR here today. What's up, Rebecca? I am so excited to meet you. What is up? So JR, you were listening in the background to Rebecca's story. I'm just wondering, what's the first advice that you have for her?

The first thing I just want to just immediately jump in and just say, just give yourself grace. It took me a very long time to get to this point where I was very vocal about what happened to me. I was constantly talking about my experiences and understanding that I would find more of a community the more that I spoke about it. But honestly, one of the things that I've really identified in the last few years is that when Honestly, one of the things that I've really identified in the last few years is that when, you know, about, I would say like eight or nine years after I was injured, even though I was already in the public eye and talking on a smaller scale, but nonetheless still doing it, I look back at that period of my life and I realized I wasn't ready. Yeah. I wasn't really being vulnerable.

And I realized that I was sort of hiding behind this shield of being someone who was in the military and considered a hero. And that was my way in, my avenue into spaces. And it took me a long time for me to finally get to that point where I was like, oh no, there's some things that are still here. There's still some emotional and mental stuff that I just completely oppressed or didn't realize. And when I finally, again, and I'm not trying to push anything on you, but my experience was at that point is when I realized, okay, I think I'm now really starting to embrace this. I think there was a defense mechanism as far as the way I was handling things for a very long time.

Now, I think I'm really embracing and accepting. And you're five years, man. It's five years. So much of our identities are tied to what we do as a career and our appearance. But so much of what we're conditioned to believe is that we got to have everything figured out right away. I mean, it starts from our childhood, right? It's like, what do you want to be when you grow up? And you're like, I'm three. And it just continues. And then of course, when you become an adult, it's like, have it figured out. And it's like, people expect for you and for me

and for anybody else that's listening that has had a traumatic experience. When you're aging, you have time to process. When you go through something traumatic like we have, there is no time, it's now. But because of other people's inabilities at some way and the way that they've been conditioned as well, we are just led to believe that we got to have it all figured out and you have to bounce back and be this person. But it's not really for yourself. It's for everyone

else's comfort. And it took me a long time to realize that. And so I'm always telling people, I was like, listen, if it makes people uncomfortable, you know, while you go through your grieving process, which is very different for everybody, that's not your problem. That's, if anything, an opportunity for them to identify why this triggers me so much every time Rebecca talks about this or JR talks about this, like that's, that's for your journey. My journey is to just kind just be present every day and feel what I can potentially take away from this experience. But just give yourself grace, man. I think first and foremost, I'm listening to your story. I'm sure a lot of people are going to be

listening to this episode. And I'm just like, dude, she's badass. She's kicking ass. She's doing a lot of amazing things. And just because you're not in this space of where you're sharing your story on that Instagram account that you don't have or in that journal, you're doing it in a way that is very important. And that's with your team. That's with people you work with. And that is something that you can't overlook just because you're not doing it on this scale like anybody else doesn't necessarily mean that you're not taking something away from this experience and then utilizing that lesson to then help other people as they go through these life situations or whatever. But not that you and I ever thought that we wanted to be part of a community where we ever use the word traumatic or trauma or life altering. Those are key words that we never assumed

would be part of our Google searches or titles that people want to put over our heads. At the end of the day, man, I tell you this, I'm proud. I'm at that point now where I'm 20 years in and I'm like, you know what? Yeah, I've been through some shit and I'm proud that I've been through some shit.

And it was hard and my people, we got through it. And luckily for you, you have a beautiful family that is with you. And I listened to you and I hear somebody and I see somebody that I believe is a hundred percent a boss and someone that is a force to be reckoned with. And I think that you're still in the early stages of this whole thing. And I think you're going to do so many more incredible things because I just feel it. I feel it in you. And you just, you will always be that entrepreneur,

but your entrepreneurship is now going to have so much more weight to it than it did before because you've lived it. You and your family have been through it. So like, one of the things I wanted to interject there, Rebecca, is that I think, you know, it sounds like, you know, in your past, people kind of put a lot of pressure on you to share the story. Like, oh, you have to journal it or you have to Instagram it so publicly.

And you're saying, no, I don't want to do that. I want to get my meaning through something else. You know, but the irony is that you're now talking to hundreds of millions of people on the Happiness Lab podcast. And so, you know, what is, I'm curious what that feels like as a first step, you know, to share your story. Like, you know, is that kind of a step towards thinking about it to just kind of feel natural since this was such a part of your journey? Like it does kind of feel like you're sharing now. And so I'm curious what that feels like. Yeah. You know, I was actually driving with my husband. We went, he, he still works in Africa often. And so he travels back to East Africa a lot. I went back for my first time in May since the accident.

So it's now July. So about six weeks ago. And it was weird, right? Because it was like, I'm back in this place that I also realized I was avoiding and had lived in for 10 years. And so him and I were having a conversation and we're just talking about how people process trauma. And he made a comment. Yeah, you haven't talked about it publicly. I think there's just a lot of pressure in our generation to get out there and like turn

it into some sort of Instagram personality or become an advocate. And I said, well, actually, guess what? Laurie Santos asked me to share my story on the Happiness Lab. And he was like, no way. That's your favorite podcast. And so I was like, yeah. And I said, I finally feel ready to share what happened because I actually know. And this is a little bit different than your experience, JR. I have come out of it five years later and no one looking at me can tell that this happened. I can, I can look in the mirror and I know that like I had extensive nerve damage to my face, right? So like from my eyes upward, nothing moves anymore. It's all just kind of stuck in place. And I know that a lot about my face is different, but particularly meeting new people, no one knows what happened. And so it's, it's an interesting, it's a different place to be because people don't ask unless they get close

enough and they say, wow, that's a really big scar that goes through your eye. Like what, what happened? And, and oftentimes people don't, you know, I can tell they're looking at it, but they don't necessarily mention it. But I do like, I do know now that like one of the things that mattered at the time was like, is this going to affect my career? Is this going to affect, you know, the goals I had for myself before this happened? And I know the answer is no, Not only did it not affect it, it accelerated it. I was able to take some really tough times and channel that into understanding how to support people in a really productive way. And then the other big thing, which was so transformational

to hear you grapple with the same thing is, am I ever going to look the same? And the answer is not 100%. But yeah, I look pretty normal. And then the third thing I've had to same thing is, am I ever going to look the same? And the answer is not 100%, but yeah, I look pretty normal. And then the third thing I've had to deal with is, am I ever going to be able to see in the same way again? Because I did have pretty extensive damage to my left eye. And I recently had a surgery and was able to get a correct prescription for prism glasses that kind of evens everything out. And so now when I wear glasses, I do see pretty normal. The larger challenge I have is that there's just so many kind of residual tiny little broken bones in my face that sometimes I can't wear the glasses

all the time. But those were kind of the three things. And I feel ready to talk about it because I do know the answers to all those questions. And I think what I learned in this process is that not knowing answers or having control over answers is really challenging for me. But at least now I don't have that mystery of Googling, like, how do people look after an eye socket implant? I don't know if you did the same thing at all, but it was like a little bit of internal torture, which Lori, you have talked about on your podcast, not doing so. Yeah. Yeah. You know, for, for, for me, I look at, you know, my, my facial scarring and a lot of the procedures that I've had, you know, I had a lot of, you know, I've had a lot of facelifts

and the burns when it does, it contracts the skin. And so it kind of tightens it. So I'm like, man, I got like permanent facelifts Botox for the rest of my life. Like to me as a comfort thing with my nerve damage, like, wait, you'll never have to get Botox. And at the time I was like, but I want my forehead to move. And now five years later, like as I'm approaching my late thirties, I'm like, it's like kind of nice that my forehead does. Yeah. Yeah. Look at you two with the blessings findings. Exactly. Classic happiness research here, finding the blessings and the, you know, the bad situation. Yeah. Knowing what JR and Rebecca have been through, it's amazing they can still laugh and joke about their life altering injuries, but it totally fits with what the science shows,

that we humans do have a remarkable ability to deal with even the most awful of events, finding meaning, value, and yes, even humor in them. When we return from the break, we'll hear more about the science of the post-traumatic growth that both JR and Rebecca experienced, and find out how they both dealt with being stared at in public.

I know you're curious. I know you want to know. I know you're looking. And so I'll just be like, hi, how are you doing? The Happiness Lab will be right back. you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble.

Rebecca Kuduru says she probably wouldn't have been comfortable sharing her story with us if the scars caused by her car crash hadn't been smoothed away by so many pioneering medical treatments. When I first met her in person, I had no idea what she'd been through, but J.R. Martinez faced a very different set of circumstances. The three of us right now walked into a room. Immediately, all the eyeballs are going to go to me just because of the curiosity of like, who is that? What happened to him? He's clearly been through something. What happened? What was it? And let's look at that scarring. Wow. It's just the natural curiosity. Early in my recovery, you develop this ability to understand when people are looking at you. Oh, a hundred percent. It's crazy. Like you just, all of a sudden now you just kind of look over, you're like, yeah, I caught you.

Like, I know you're looking at me. And so what then I started to do, because people don't have the skills and the ability to come up and actually say, I'm sorry, I'm just curious, or that scarring above your eye, Rebecca, what is that? Or what happened? People aren't going to do that because they don't know, one, is that going to trigger you? They don't know if they should ask that question. There's just so many different things. And so what I took it as, I'm going to now use that as an opportunity to just educate you. I know you're curious. I know you want to know. I know you're looking. And so I'll just be like, hi, how are you doing? Hey, what's up? What's your name? I've actually been working with my daughter on this. She got very into watching Shark Week

on Discovery Channel and saw what it looks like to have an amputation. And she calls it robot legs when someone has a prosthetic for their leg. And she's seen people in the supermarket. And she calls it robot legs when someone has like a prosthetic for their leg. And she's seen people in the supermarket and I can tell she turns and she starts whispering. And I'm always like, you know, why don't you ask? It's okay to ask. And she'll go up and she'll say, you know, did you get bit by a shark? It tends to be her kind of thing. And people are really open about talking about it for the most part. You know, I've gone through that experience. Like for me, it was like my eye was kind of just gone. It had fallen into my sinus cavity. And now it's back. It took two surgeries to get it back to where it was and two different implants.

But it was weirder to have people look at you and especially kids. I think it's a really good place to kind of coach them through. It's okay to be curious and there's a way to be polite about it. And so that's a big thing I've also worked with her on having gone through that experience because I know exactly what you're talking about. I still, you know, my eyes are now in different locations. I've always, I was born with two different color eyes. So I have one brown eye and one green eye. So I always had experiences where I could catch someone looking back and forth and they would stop and they would say, do you know? And I would say that I have two different color eyes. And so people say it now too, but I have two different

shaped eyes now and my eyes are at two different levels. You know, it's weird that someone would feel totally okay. Say like stopping midence and pointing out something that is still different about the way you look, but really kind of beat around the bush when it comes to what is likely a transformational event. So I've been working with her on that as well. That's awesome. I find it more as an exercise for me to take the power away or take the attention away from this thing that's obvious to both of us. And I'm going to more reroute the conversation to connect as a human being. And so if I see Lori coming up to me and she's kind of just looking at me, I know I'm like, oh, so where are you from, Lori? What do you do?

Get you comfortable at me. I know I'm like, oh, so where are you from, Lori? What do you do? Get you comfortable with me. And then from there, it'll come up at some natural organic way. But until then, let's just connect as people. And I'm going to guide you through this process. I'm going to remind you that I'm still a person first and foremost, and just sort of remove all the trauma and tragic stuff. Yep. And I think that this is, you know, this is one of the reasons I love both of your stories is that this highlights a really important feature of post-traumatic growth is that people experience more empathy, more kind of self-compassion and grace for themselves,

but also more empathy for other people, right? Even when other people are doing stupid stuff, like, you know, like pointing at your scars and things like that. And so, Rebecca, I'm curious, you know, is this something you've experienced in your own life where in a very odd way, this wound up connecting you with other people? Totally. I mean, JR, when you first came on, you said, give yourself grace. I would say I am so much nicer on myself. So I used to have this

thing about reading fiction that it was like, if I was reading fiction, I wasn't using my time productively. I could be using that time to read nonfiction and maybe I could learn something from it. You know, I actually realized that I don't like reading nonfiction. Now I listen to audiobooks when I walk and like, that's fine. You have an episode about getting your email inbox down to zero. I am so good about walking away. And I work for a Jewish organization right now. And so we get done at three on Fridays because of Shabbat. And I'm like, you know, I'm not going to sit on my computer and respond to those emails at three o'clock on a Friday. Yeah. And this, I think, fits with another thing that, you know, we've learned from

post-traumatic growth is that it kind of allows you to set your priorities a little bit better, right? Yeah. And for me, some of that is also pausing. It's not like I'm going to get moving on the things that really matter. It's I'm going to take time to stop and appreciate what I have. And it's also like what I have found. And I think you're in that same position, Rebecca. There's this pressure of expecting me to, on some level, like to share and talk a lot. I mean, even now when I get brought in to either be on a podcast or to speak at an event or people like, can you talk about that day? Can you talk about what happened? And so what I have discovered is I also, when you talk about the pause,

for me, it's incredibly important to protect my own energy. And what that means is to stop. And if I feel like, hey, I give so much of myself to other people, I need to stop for a second and actually take care of myself. I just need to disconnect for a second and not have to express so much. I'm going to allow myself to sort of be selfish in that way, which is good. And I think this gets to yet another, maybe a final benefit that we know comes from trauma and something that we see in post-traumatic growth, which is that people self-report like knowing themselves better, like knowing their limitations better, knowing their like potential better, but also kind of knowing a little bit more what they need and prioritizing it.

Rebecca, is that something you kind of experienced after this recovery process too? Yeah, it's twofold. It's knowing what I need. I really like that idea of kind of protecting my energy. I also learned how much I can actually take on, which I think is interesting. It was like, as much as I hate that trope that people say, like, oh, you're never given more than you can handle. There was a lot of trauma that I overcame. I lost my younger brother when I was five and a half. I think, you know, when you're exposed to trauma pretty regularly, you build up a resilience to it. And I'm not saying that that's good, that trauma shouldn't affect you, but kind of building up in small pieces and then having this huge thing happen.

huge thing happen. Maybe I would even say it instilled a self-confidence in me. Wow. If you can come through that, you can really handle a lot. So there's a really fine balance that needs to be reached between really understanding that you've pushed physically and emotionally yourself to your limit and that you know you can overcome a lot and still learning to protect that and enjoy what you have. One of the things that is important for me when people want me to talk about my experience, I like to sort of take people back to my childhood because the reason I like to bring people along that timeline is not to just fill the time,

45 minutes to an hour of me just talking about my life and me, me, me. It's more of to give people context and give people an understanding that resiliency in me overcoming this wasn't something just all of a sudden I just developed. A hundred percent. If you look at my life,

I have been exercising this muscle. I have been preparing myself for this very thing. And I'm sorry for the loss of your brother, but I'm glad you shared that because I think it's important for the listeners to understand, oh, Rebecca has been through some stuff prior to this, right? Because they may look at you and say, look at this beautiful woman who's probably had great life and great success and has everything handed to her and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Our minds create these narratives that are most of the time untrue. But when you talk about what your family experienced when you were a child, and I know there's a great deal of healing that still is ongoing despite how long that has been,

it allows people, the listeners and the viewers to understand that, oh, this is a muscle that was already activated from a young age, whether you wanted it to be or not. And of course you didn't want it to be, but all of us are having these things that are happening over the course of our lives that are just activating the different muscle and preparing us. So when we come in to that crossroads

where there is that another thing, that's where we have to pause. Oh, we've been through some things. I'm a pretty badass person that has overcome a lot of shit. I think I got this. And I think the other thing is that you don't just gain self-confidence, right? When people hear your stories, it can help them gain confidence depending on what they're going through. Rebecca, this is why you're on the show today is you heard JR's story and that kind of gave you confidence. And so JR, I'm curious, what does it feel like to be thanked for sharing your badassery and kind of helping other people get badass? Is this the first time you've been thanked for sharing your story? Do

you hear it a lot? It happens. I wouldn't say frequently, but it has happened. But I've also had these experiences where I live. I live in Austin. And I was at Whole Foods, I don't know, three months ago. And I'm just playing with my son and just goofing off. And as we paid, and I could tell that there was this older man that was watching me. And he was a customer. So I was like, I don't know. Maybe he recognized. I don't know. You never know where it's coming from. And so as we started to walk out of the store, I'm walking up ahead of my family, holding my son and the man standing at the door. And I looked at him and I said, how are you doing?

And he looked at me. He says, I want to tell you something. I recently had this accident and he pointed down at his leg and I looked down and his legs all bandaged up. He said, this is the first time I'm out of the house. He said, and I was here and I was like, I can't be here. I'm going home. He said, I saw you and I saw you smiling. I saw you carrying on. He's like, and then I was like, well, if that dude can do it, I think I can do it. Honestly, we turned into a 15-minute conversation similar to what we're having here. And I just said, hey man, listen, it takes baby steps and give yourself grace, that whole sort of same sentiment. And, and I walked away and I just, you know, and this sort of goes back to your question, Lori, but it's like, I'm just living my life as you are Rebecca doing and putting out into the

world what we believe and what is important to us. And I always just feel and believe that it's going to hit the right people at the right time. Like for whatever reason, as you mentioned, that algorithm found, this podcast came into your presence and you were like, I should tune in for whatever reason. For me, it turns out this is one of those reminders that what I am, what I personally,

I can only speak for myself, what I am doing and what I have done and my willingness to sit down with Lori three years, four years ago, and have this conversation, it's all worth it. Totally. I know someone's going to come in contact with you one day, Rebecca, and say, hey, I just want you to know I heard your story. And for me, it makes me feel like I'm honored. I truly am. Selfishly, I'm honored that I'm able to be a very small part of your journey. But I know that you're well on your way to do the same thing for other people. And I know you've already done it. And I think the biggest person you're doing it with is not only yourself, but I think that is incredible for her to have someone like yourself who has been through a lot and is navigating it the way you are.

And you're still in the early stages and you're, you know, like, I think that's a beautiful thing. And so whenever you do get an Instagram account, like whenever, if you ever decide to do that. I don't know at this point. I'm just saying, I'm not saying it has to be, you know, when we log off or, you know, the end of this year, but whenever you do, I hope that you look me up and, you know, you say, Hey, I want to friend this guy because I would love to keep up with where you are and to find out if you ever pick up that really cool pen and start to kind of write some stuff down. And I'm telling you it's, it's, and you know, and, and, and that's how it happens, right? You know, I appreciate you kind of encouraging me to

not throw away the pen and the journal, but to still kind of hold on to it. One of the big things for me that I experienced was what it was like to go through as a woman in a developing country's healthcare system. And I'm a white woman and it was a majority black country. And I have access to insurance and I have access to financial resources that people couldn't even dream of. And it didn't really make a difference in terms of the outcome. And that for me, having the organization that I started in Uganda was a women's empowerment organization. And I really felt like I've already spent the last seven years trying to give a voice to traditionally marginalized group of women and really working and making it a priority to work with them, not come up with ideas and implement for them.

But that was where I felt pressure. It's like, should I stand up and actually share? them. But that was where I felt pressure is like, should I stand up and actually share? The only reason I survived is because my husband had the education and the money to walk across the street to a pharmacy and buy those materials. And that's where I felt pressure and also knew I am not emotionally ready to stand up and be the face, particularly when I didn't even have a face that I could recognize for women globally yet. And I appreciate the encouragement that maybe one day I'll get there. You said yet. Yet.

Yep. Well, as I said, I think another thing to remember about trauma and post-traumatic growth is that, you know, it sounds when you say the term post-traumatic growth, that it happens in an instant and then it's done. But like all psychological phenomena, it's a journey. And what you feel comfortable with today is going to look totally different than what you feel comfortable with months from now, years from now, and so on. But I'm happy that I caught you at a time where you're comfortable sharing your story on the Happiness Lab. I'm sure that so positively affects so many people. So thank you so much.

Yeah, I'm very excited. Thank you so much as well. Keep kicking ass, Rebecca. It was humbling to hear the impact that listening to the Happiness Lab had had on Rebecca. The show we made with J.R. Martinez back in 2019, in our very first season, remains one of my favorite episodes ever. It's such a fun ride that I decided to re-release that episode in this feed for you to revisit. And after that, we'll have one other listener story to share. I'll travel to a New England town where 13 women have set up a club dedicated to staging fun interventions, or funterventions.

Club dedicated to staging fun interventions or funterventions. And we'll learn that even the host of this podcast can still use a little more fun in her life. Hannah Montana. Oh, uh, Miley Cyrus. Oh, hot. Um, Ryan Gosling. Close. Brad Pitt. Wasn't he in Magic Mike? Brad Pitt. Wasn't he in Magic Mike? Ugh, we're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes.

More of you finding Gemini's because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble.