The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos - Text a Friend... Right Now!

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

When did you last check in on a friend? Maybe the last time you did, their reply was terse or non-existent. Perhaps months or years have passed and you feel awkward about reestablishing contact? Or you might worry they're busy and you're just bothering them? Andy Salkind tells Dr Laurie Santos that you should forget your worries - and just TEXT THEM! After all, a simple message from a friend saved his life.  WARNING: This episode deals with depression and suicidality. If you’re based in the US, you can call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Similar services are available in pretty much every other country. So, if you need help, please, please reach out.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Pushkin. When I was going through my 20s, early 30s, it was very easy to be passively friends because most people will never tell you the honest truth of what's going on. This is Andy Salkind. As you've probably noticed from his accent, Andy is British. The country he's from isn't exactly known for its emotional openness.

But no matter where you're from, I'm guessing you may be able to resonate with Andy's experience of friendship. We'll all just go, you're right. And people will go, yeah, of course, I'm fine. But a few years ago, Andy decided to make a big change. He decided to stop being so passive with the people he cared about. I now feel more active in every friendship I have. If a friend who seems like they're having a tough day says,

I'm fine. Andy will reply, Are you all right? You don't seem all right. Andy's also increased the frequency with which he checks in on people. He texts his friends regularly, even those who don't always write back. Sometimes they need prompting. If Andy hasn't heard from a friend in a while, he takes that as a sign that they may be going through something tough,

and that it's time to send them a quick note. That is what he did with an old university pal recently. I was like, you okay? I haven't heard from you in a while. Just checking in. To which I got a photo back of the Yoda statue at Skywalker Studios or something like that. And she was just like, yep, just finishing up in America.

I'll be home soon. And I was like, that explains everything. I checked, just in case. And that awkward feeling you experience when you think about calling up someone you haven't talked to in a while, that sort of, uh, I better not, it might be kind of weird,

Andy totally ignores that feeling. If you want to speak to that person, just speak to that person. If they don't want to speak to you, that's on them. But if you care and you genuinely are interested and want to know what's going on in their life, just keep asking. I want to be a friend to them regardless of whether they need it or not.

Because if they are ever in a position where they do need it, then I am already there. There's a chance you might find Andy's behavior a little intense. You might even worry that being this active in your friendships could seem pushy or annoying or like you can't take a hint. But happiness research shows that Andy may actually be onto something. I feel happier and as if I am a better friend to these people. This special season of the Happiness Lab is all about how to become a better friend. And today we'll learn that checking in on our friends more often, even in a slightly persistent way, can be a critical part of happier friendships. Which is something that Andy saw firsthand. In fact, as we'll hear in this episode, Andy learned that a simple text message at the right time can have a huge impact.

It can even mean the difference between life and death. have a huge impact. It can even mean the difference between life and death. Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us, leading us away from what will really make us happy? The good news is that understanding the science of the mind can point us all back in the right direction.

You're listening to The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos. I'll share more of Andy's story a bit later on. But first, I want to explore why we assume that checking in on our friends could seem annoying and why we often think it's not even necessary. To learn more, I decided to tag in an expert on the misconceptions we bring to our friendships. Often we see only the veneer of people's lives. This is Peggy Liu, a professor

at the University of Pittsburgh. We see relatively positive moments on people's social media, or we kind of just assume that people are going through life fine, but you often don't realize that, you know, someone might be going through something really difficult. They haven't made it public. And so just you showing that you're thinking about them can really mean a lot more to someone than you actually realize. Peggy's research explores why we don't connect with the people we care about as much as we should. If you ask people about the benefits of social connection, I think most people can tell you, yeah, it's great to be connected to others. But then if you actually ask people, do you feel connected to other people in your life? I think you often find that a lot of people feel quite disconnected with others. Peggy studies these

failures to connect because it's a challenge that she's struggled with personally. So I have a four year old child. And prior to having a four year old child, I felt like I had a lot of time. You know, I was busy as a student, but I felt like I could see my friends a lot more often. But once you become a mom, you're sort of accustomed to just trying to deal with all the fires that come with taking care of a child. And so you don't really have that moment to pause and text a friend. And Peggy wasn't alone here. Her friends and colleagues were going through exactly the same thing. We were just losing touch with a lot of people in our lives. And so we were wondering, you know, why might that

be? Peggy and her academic colleagues decided to explore what was going wrong. And they found that simple busyness wasn't the only factor. An even bigger reason we fail to reach out is that we're pretty bad at accurately predicting what the people in our life want and need. When I'm thinking about reaching out to someone, I just get in my own head and I think a lot of people do too. Like, oh, they're probably busy. You know, if I interrupt them, they might be like, why are you reaching out to me? What do you want?

We wind up so focused on our own wants and needs that we forget to think about how a recipient will feel if we took the time to reach out. People usually feel like, wow, that was a great experience. It really made my day that someone actually thought about me. Peggy has found that we're terrible at predicting how much other people will appreciate our efforts to get in touch. We know that we'd like it if a friend made contact, but somehow we just can't put ourselves in the other person's shoes. When we're thinking about initiating an interaction, we're thinking

about how competent we come across and the recipient's just thinking about initiating an interaction, we're thinking about how competent we come across, and the recipient's just thinking about the warmth of this interaction or this warmth of this message. When you're the person who initiates a social gesture, when you're the reach-your-outer, as it were, you wind up very focused on your competence. You want to make sure you're doing it right, that you're not coming across as weird or boring or inconsiderate. But the person on the receiving end is judging the interaction by a completely different metric. They're more attuned to the warmth of your message. Did it sound sincere? Does it show that you genuinely care? And so I think in that moment, you forget to think about the recipient's perspective and you forget about that feeling

of, oh, wow, someone just texted me that thought about me and it's been so long and it's such a positive feeling. But there's a second way we mess up when it comes to thinking about our friends' perspectives. We fail to appreciate the psychological power of surprise. If you're the person thinking about reaching out to someone, almost by definition, the reach out is not really that surprising. You're not really thinking about how they're going to feel surprised. You're thinking, oh, I'm thinking about reaching out. But research has shown that the surprising nature of a text or kind message can have a big impact on how a recipient interprets that gesture. Surprise amplifies how positive you feel. So if something positive happens, so if you find a little bit of money, let's say, and it's a surprise, you feel more

positive than if you were expecting to get that same amount of money. The science suggests that giving someone a surprise text or call will have a positive impact on their moods. But our lying minds just can't see that. And if it's been weeks, months, or years since we last said hello, our lying minds become even more reluctant to reestablish contact. The more that time passes, the more that you feel like it's a little bit awkward perhaps to reach out. And so I think that also contributes on top of all of these things that you have going on in your life that lead to these barriers to reaching out. Peggy and her colleagues wanted to find ways to break down all these psychological barriers to reaching out. So they joined forces to study just how badly people underestimate the benefits of connecting.

We basically encountered students on campus and we asked them, hey, can you let us know the name and email address of someone that you've kind of lost touch with on the college campus? And so people who agreed to do that, they were our initiators. And then they actually wrote a brief message to this person that they had sort of lost contact with. And then later that day, we actually delivered that message via email on their behalf to the recipient.

And then we asked those recipients, hey, how much do you appreciate having been reached out to? And we also asked the initiators to predict how much they thought the person that they had reached out to would appreciate it. to predict how much they thought the person that they had reached out to would appreciate it. On a scale of one, not at all appreciative, to five, extremely appreciative, initiators assumed their recipient would be somewhere around a four. But recipients who got that unexpected email said they were closer to a full five out of five on that appreciation scale.

And so it seems like there's a disconnect when you think about, you know, when I got reached out to, it felt awesome. But when I think about reaching out to someone else, I kind of can't access that awesome feeling in the same way. Yeah. And what we find is that you do think they probably felt positively, but you don't realize how positive that was. So far, we've heard that our reluctance to reach out, to check in or restore a friendship that's fizzling out is bad for our happiness. But when we get back from the break, we'll see just how powerful a quick reach-out can be for the person who receives our message. We'll see that making that first move and sending a quick text can sometimes have a way greater importance than we could possibly imagine.

It was the most innocent, stupid message in the world, and it meant my life to me. We'll hear more from hardcore friend Andy Salkin when the Happiness Lab returns in a moment. Before we dive into the rest of the episode, I want to warn you that we'll be touching on a distressing but important topic, suicidality. If you or a friend is in crisis, know that help is available. If you're based in the U.S., you can call or text the 988-SUICIDE-IN-CRISIS lifeline.

Similar services are available in pretty much every country. So if you need help, please, please be sure to reach out. I wrote a book about being very sad. It's called Life is a Four-Letter Word, and life really can be a four-letter word at times. Author Andy Salkin eventually decided to change his approach to friendship because he vividly remembers what it's like to really need a friend. At the time, I believed I was a failure.

I had failed in business. The business I was working for had failed. I had lost everything. I had failed as a husband because my wife wanted to leave me. She had gone to her own journey. I had failed as a son to my parents. I had failed as a brother to my siblings. I had failed as a parent to my two cats at the time, Skye and Roxy. And then my final and most egregious failing of all was I had failed as a human being

because I lived with depression and I no longer felt emotions. Andy's sense of failure left him feeling more lost than he'd ever been. It is like you are in fog. It is like you are in treacle and you are just numb. That is the best way I can describe it.

Andy's depression affected nearly everything he held dear. His performance at work, his sense of humor, and most importantly, his connection to the people around him. I felt utterly isolated and alone as I was going through the real depths of my depression. You just try to do it yourself because you're like, well, if I can't get through this by myself, how am I ever going to get through anything else in the future ever again?

Andy didn't want to be a burden, so he buried his anguish. I hid everything from people. You learn to put on a face or put on a mask. I would go to work, I would put on a suit, I would put on the face, go in, be the charming accountant, talk about how great things are and how positive the business outlook is and everything like that. And then I would get home, take the suit off and be miserable. All day, every day, Andy felt like he was playing a role, just pretending that everything

was okay. And that's not really a life at all. It's just a persona that you slot into. But Andy played that role well. No one knew what he was going through. No one would believe it when I said I had depression. Like, no one believed it. No one ever thought about it and that contributes to the exhaustion that you have because you are being somebody for someone else. Andy grew more and more exhausted from hiding all this pain eventually it became easier for him to hide away altogether. You recede inwards you stop reaching out and then you eventually start convincing yourself that actually it's better for other people if I don't put my problems on them. And it's a very small step to go from actually they're better off not hearing about my problems to actually everyone is better off

not having me in their lives. And that led Andy to a very, very dark place. I had come to a conclusion that my death was the best thing for everyone in my life. So Andy spent weeks preparing to take his own life. So I was ready. I had like, I was diligent about it. And yeah, it's still hard thinking about it. With everything taken care of, Andy decided that the fateful day to end his pain had finally come. I was in tears. Like, I was like, this is it. And then as I was getting ready, I heard my phone go.

And it was just a message from my best friend. And it just said, pup, question mark. And it was a really simple message. It's the sort of message we sent each other and so on. And it's just a reminder that we were meant to be getting together and going to the pub. That friend was going through a rough patch too. And her three-letter message stopped Andy in his tracks. If she was texting, it meant she might really need his help. It was just such a rush of emotions in that moment of kind of like, oh, wow. Someone out there still wants me in their life

even when I am literally at the lowest point I possibly can be, there is still someone that wants to connect. So Andy did two things. First, he dashed off a quick reply. I was like, sure. Yeah, okay. I can't remember the messages, but I was just like, yeah, sure. But second, and much more importantly, he decided not to kill himself. I was still depressed. I was still down. I was still feeling all the rubbishness.

But there was a reason there. There was a reason to keep going. And I will never be able to thank her enough for that day. From that day on, Andy dropped the mask he'd used to hide his suffering. For the first time, he became open about his depression and shared what was really going on in his life. And to his initial surprise, he got tons of support from friends and family members. Eventually, Andy was even able to open up to the friend whose text had saved his life. It took me about two years to tell her that this is what happened. And then she hit me,

and I was like, yeah, I probably deserve that. Psychologist Peggy Liu's research suggests that many of us might not have sent a friend like Andy that all-important, life-saving text. We'd probably just have accepted his assurances that everything was fine. And when he dropped out of sight, we'd probably be reluctant to contact him. Her work suggests that most of us would fear looking rude or pushy or like we can't take a hint. And that's exactly how Andy used to think. But after the break, we'll hear that Andy has very much turned things around.

He's now committed to being the kind of friend we all need at our lowest points and the kind of friend that science shows we should all try a little harder to be. The Happiness Lab will be right back. We all live such busy lives, like taking the time to reach out, check in. It does, it takes time. But ultimately, if you care about these people, giving them your time is 100% worth it.

And it is not a cost. It is something you should be willing to give. After a one-word text from a friend prevented him from taking his own life, Andy Salkin's mission is now to ensure that the people around him never feel as alone as he once did. If you want to reach out and communicate with someone, then do it regardless of what they think. Because actually, nine times out of ten,

whether they've said it or not, they probably want the same thing. Andy's first suggestion for becoming a more active friend is to commit to tracking the stuff that's going on in other people's lives, especially when they're going through the tough stuff, layoffs, breakups, and bereavements. One of my best mates, he lost his mum last year,

and I've made a conscious effort to try to engage with him because he's a proud Yorkshireman that doesn't talk about feelings and everything like that. And I just try and be like, are you okay? That proud Yorkshireman kept saying he was fine. But eventually, Andy's persistence paid off. The pair met for a drink at a local brewery. They didn't talk about Andy's friend's grief, but their time together was important for his healing.

And he's just kind of like, thank you for this. Like, this is what I need. And I know I don't talk about it, but this is what I need. But we don't just need to check in when a friend has gone through a major loss or a life change. Andy also recommends paying attention to more subtle signs that a friend may be acting differently. Like he did with one of his buddies after a night on the town. We just finished dancing and they were waiting for a train home. And they weren't really quiet

and there wasn't much conversation like it was a natural time to go quiet but they're quite a lively person and I just sent them a message the next day and just went you okay and it was like of course I'm fine and I was like are you you went really quiet and that's not like you. You don't have to answer anything, but I see you. I've noticed. But even when you notice and reach out, that doesn't necessarily mean people will reply, especially if they're hurting. Andy says you shouldn't jump to that conclusion

that they're mad or annoyed with you for bothering them. What you should do, says Andy, is to keep trying. No matter how silly you might feel about sending a text message, like, I hear about it all the time, like, you send someone a message and they don't reply, like, oh, I can't send them another message now. I can't do that. That's a social faux pas. And it's like, no, it's not.

I really admire Andy's persistence in checking in on the people he cares about. But I'll be the first to admit, it's not always easy. I know I still worry at least a little bit about texting someone out of the blue, that I might look stupid or that I'd be bothering them. And when I get that feeling, I like to think back to psychologist Peggy Liu's research, which shows that assumptions like these are usually wrong. I just try to tell people, hey, just think about the last time, like really think about the last time someone reached out to you. How did you feel? And so why don't you go ahead and do that for someone else? And that's really been something that's helped me at least personally reach out to others, even in times when I thought, oh, maybe they don't want to hear from me.

When we talked about Peggy's research earlier, we discussed the so-called warmth competence bias. We get so caught up in how our message sounds that we forget how our recipient will take it, that they're just going to care about its emotional warmth. But Peggy has some suggestions for overcoming this bias. Her first recommendation, keep it brief. So it can be, hey, just thinking about you. A short written message also has other advantages

over a phone or video call. So in our research, we do things like a text message or an email. And I think these types of more asynchronous communication allow people to figure out when they wanna respond. And they also don't create a huge burden on the other person. You're not really asking them to engage

in a long conversation with you. And so I try to engage in these brief messages, just like, hey, hope you're doing well, just thought of you for X, Y, Z reason, and then hope everything is going well with you. Peggy also reminds us that tending to our friendships takes planning. She recommends periodically scrolling through your phone's contact list and noticing who you haven't connected with lately. And then I just send them a brief note and I try not to make it anything super involved. You just want to say, say, hey, hope things are going

well in your life or hope, just want to let you know I'm thinking about you. If it still seems too random for you, you might consider looking out for little excuses to drop a friend a quick note. When there's something natural that comes up, like something you saw on the news or some TV show, I think it can remove some of that concern about competence because you're like, I do have a good reason to just say I thought about you. After publishing her study on the power of reaching out, Peggy started using all of these tips herself, and she's seen the benefits. Her own sense of social connection has improved drastically. She's also proud that she's been able to support her friends through some unexpected challenges. One of our collaborators left academia for industry recently,

and so I think sometimes, you know, when people go through major life changes, you often lose touch with your social circle as you form a new social circle. But I try to keep that connection going, just occasionally checking in, saying, hi, just thought about you. That quick check-in always feels great, but it's something that she and her colleagues wouldn't naturally have done before all their reaching out studies. I think it's nice because this research has prompted us to stay connected in part because of the findings themselves, but also whenever there's some fun press piece that we actually send it to each other. So it's another prompter for us to connect to each other.

And the press attention has helped Peggy form other connections too. It was interesting because this is one of the only projects that my mom has actually found interesting. And so, you know, in the past I've sent her things and she's like, this is nice. This is great. But I can tell she didn't really, you know, really think about the findings that much. But this is one where it actually led her to think back to her college classmates and it actually prompted her to reach out to some of them. Peggy also heard from people she hadn't talked to in forever. High school buddies saw the media coverage of her work and checked back in. Hey, we saw this and we thought, hey, we should actually reach out and say something to you.

So that's been really cool too. Peggy says this ripple effect of more and more reaching out is one of the best parts of doing this research. I got an email from a stranger right around when some of this press was coming out in the beginning where someone said, hey, this actually meant a lot more to me than the other person realized. That emailer was speaking for so many of us. We love it when our friends check in with a warm

message to show they care, or when an old pal tries to rekindle a dormant relationship. With the right strategies, we can give that same great feeling to the people we care about. It's a practice that now-active friend Andy Salkin simply can't recommend enough. Just reach out. It doesn't have to be much. You don't have to have a delicately crafted and perfectly punctuated message. It doesn't have to be a poem or a sonnet or something. Just pub, question mark. It's enough. It's enough to save a life. Talking to Andy has convinced me that we rarely realize how helpful a quick check-in can be. Our lying minds tell us that people already know we care and that they're probably doing fine. That, combined with the busyness of life,

means we can neglect the people we love and that we sometimes let friendships we care about dwindle and fade. But Andy's story shows us it doesn't have to be that way. So why not grab your phone right now and scroll through your contact list? If you see a name you haven't connected with in a while, drop that person a quick line. Just a, hey, how's it going? Or thinking of you.

Your text might not save someone's life, but the science shows it'll probably make you and someone you care about a little happier. The Happiness Lab is co-written and produced by Ryan Dilley. Our original music was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing, and mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice Fiennes offered additional production support. Special thanks to my agent Ben Davis and all of the Pushkin crew.

The Happiness Lab is brought to you by Pushkin Industries and me, Dr. Laurie Santos.