The Herd with Colin Cowherd - Best of The Herd: 07/25/2018

Episode Date: July 25, 2018

Colin explains why Todd Gurley got paid and Le'Veon Bell still hasn't. He goes through his "Herd Firearchy", his top ten teams in the NFL most likely to become a dumpster fire this season. Plus, Actor and Comedian David Spade comes in-studio to talk about his time on SNL and how he is going to make LeBron his friend. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Last night, a blown call changed a game. This morning, the internet lost its mind, and nobody's telling you exactly what happened. That's where Sports Slice comes in. I'm Timbo, and every episode, we're cutting through the noise,

breaking down the biggest moments in sports and giving you the real story behind the headline. And we're going straight to the source, the athletes themselves, their locker room stories, their reactions in the moment, and the stuff nobody gets to hear. Listen to Sports Slice on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. And for more, follow Timbo Sliced Life 12 in the TikTok podcast network on TikTok.

Another podcast from some SNL late night comedy guy, not quite. Unhumor me with Robert Smigel and friends. Me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier. This week, my guest, SNL's Mikey Day and head writer Streeter Seidel, help an a cappella band with their between songs banter. Where does your group perform? We do some retirement homes. Those people are starving for banter.

Listen to humor me with Robert Smigel and friends on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Michelle McPhee, and I've been unraveling the strangest criminal alliance I've ever reported on. A Mormon polygamist and an Armenian businessman. Multi-million dollar house, Ferraris and Lamborghinis, private jets, a billion dollar fraud. But how long can this alliance last? Tell me what you know. Is somebody coming after me? Listen to Kingdom of Fraud

on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere,

but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world. that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen and learn the hard way

on the IHard Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Ah, this is The Herd. Wherever you may be and however you may be listening live in Los Angeles, IHart Radio, Fox Sports Radio, and FS1, The Herd brought to you

by Firestone, complete auto care. Keep your car running newer, longer. It is a Wednesday. I am fired up. Fired up. Joy Taylor is joining me in a Wednesday. Morning. I got David Spade the comedian.

I got Ving Rames, who's in Mission Impossible, which is amazing. I got Nick Wright. I created, I think the most exciting thing I've ever done for me, I've created a shoe for Kauai Leonard. Everybody said he can't get a shoe deal. I have created a shoe, and I'm dead serious on this. Michael Jordan, if you were ever to listen to the show and all your shoe dudes, we created a shoe. You designed it?

Everything. And we're going to show it to you. Let me start with this. A message. Teams and businesses send messages all the time. How they treat one employee, they send a message to the other employees. how they lowball this employee. They send a message to other employees.

It happens in every business I've ever worked in. Todd Gurley yesterday for the Rams, news broke on our show, got a record-setting deal. Not just a new contract, a record-setting deal. Shatters the way running backs are paid. Guaranteed money was massive. Levian Bell was low-balled by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and it leaked to the press.

Isn't that interesting? Stuff leaks when somebody wants it leaked. The Steelers did. Those moves were not just about football. I do believe Gurley is more valuable than Rams and Jared Goff, young quarterback, than Levian is to the Steelers and Hall of Fame quarterback Big Ben. But Todd Gurley's had no suspension, no drugs, no holdouts, no calling out his team to the press. Lavian Bell's had suspensions and injuries and drugs and holdouts and bad press.

Todd Gurley has frankly been the better employee and his bosses not only rewarded him they gave him a little more than the position usually is worth this is why NBC chose Jay Leno over David Letterman critics preferred Letterman artists comedians preferred Letterman but if you ever read the book by Bill Carter

about Leno and Letterman and it was an HBO movie it was fantastic actually the story is they were deciding one day in Florida. They had a big meeting all the execs at NBC. And NBC was owned by a company called GE. And Bob Wright was the president and CEO of GE. And he flew down after days of negotiating. Leno, letterman, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon.

Lennon, who do you choose? Bob Wright walked in quickly and said, Who's a better guy? Who do you want to be in business with the next decade? Who's easier to work with were our affiliates? And they were like, Leno. And Bob Wright goes, all right, let's do it with Leno. They're both good.

Let's go with Leno. Walked out. Todd Gurley is the better guy to work with. The better teammate. Better in the huddle. Not going to call out the team. More adult, fewer headaches, less baggage. For all you, for all you millennials out there.

I know you want to change the world, man. I'm going to push back an authority, man. I'm going to have a voice, man. I'm going to create my own system, man. I'm going to push back, man. I know that's cool, but here's what's cooler. $45 million in your own private jet. That's cooler.

talent and education is great, but at some point there's lots of people in the workforce with talent and education. Are you fun to work with? Are you cool to be around? Do people like you? Are you a good teammate? Or are you a pain in the ass? Lavian Bell has become a pain. Talented, amazing.

Love him. Great player. But with Todd Gurley, I don't get the holdouts. I don't get the bad press. I don't get the suspensions. I don't get the drug stuff. And I like Levian Bell. And I know him better than I know Todd Gurley.

And they're both amazing. But NBC chose Leno for the same reason. I hear you garage bands. I am not going to sell out, man. I'm going to buck the system, man. I'm a garage band. You too is a sellout. Yeah, they are.

They sold out the Rose Bowl a couple weeks ago. I know it's cool to push back. Be your own man. Be independent. Not listen to bosses. But the Steelers lowballed him and leaked it. to send a message to the Steeler players. We're the Rooney family. We matter.

We're good people. We've been good to the NFL community. You're good to us. We take care of you. It matters. Be a good teammate. Don't always push back. And if you want to push back, at least push in the direction of the organization's wishes. By the way, Chris Carter first things first this morning. He talked about why Gurley got more than Levian Bell. setting to a humiliating offer.

The difference between him and El Bell is it's not the big plays. It's not who's a better receiver. One guy's in the drug program and one guy's not. So why would I give $57 million to a guy that potentially is looking at one more slip up and he's going to face another significant suspensions? As you look at these running backs and you start trying to reset the market, you better also check what's the character and what does the league and that organization do they trust them?

Because I believe that Todd Gurley, this is one of the few times we talked about Todd Gurley, he already got his money and we've been talking about El Bell for over two years. Thank you from a Hall of Fame player, from a Hall of Fame player. Let me shift gears. Religions need a face. Every religion, religions in the Far East, religions in the Middle East, Christianity. Every religion has to have a face, right? Something to grab onto, something to relate to. My entire life in sports, I've seen old crusty, rigid coaches fall in love with

themselves and not understand what makes those old crusty legendary Hall of Fame coaches work is a star player that sells their religion, that sells their message, that lubricates the locker room. Greg Popovich has said before he only drafts players who have gotten over themselves. Seems to me Greg Popovich could use his own advice. Interesting story yesterday. Danny Green from the Spurs. Now a Raptor came out and said, yeah, I kind of empathize with Kauai Leonard. Like I played and I was hurt and I wanted a second opinion with the Spurs doctors. Oh my God. another spur calling out the system. In the last year, Lamarcus Aldridge, get me out of here.

Kauai Leonard, I'm not playing. Danny Green. Yeah, they're doctors in San Antonio. I'm not saying they're bad, but, you know, I mean, I should have had a second opinion. I played injured. Isn't that interesting? When did all this start happening when the face of Pop's religion, Tim Duncan, retired? Antonio Daniels on my show last week lives in San Antonio, said the same thing.

If you just look at what has transpired in San Antonio over the past two years since Tim Duncan retired, the Marcus Argers wanted out. He wanted out. And then Kauai wanted out. None of these were issues when Tim Duncan was in San Antonio. He put a bubble around them. So they never had to deal with the drama and issues that the other 29 NBA teams had, to deal with.

Tim Duncan was the shield. Tim Duncan was the buffer to rigid, loud Greg Popovich. He sold Popp's religion to the players. Hey, Tim Duncan says it's the way to go. He's the best player by far in our team in our city, division, league. Tim says it so. He was the Messiah. Interesting yesterday in New England.

Old veteran near 70-year-old coach. Bill Belichick got major pushback from the media on the Malcolm Butler story. Much like Duncan, Tom Brady sold Belichick's crusty, my way or the highway religion for years. Duncan leaves all sorts of spurs now have a voice and pushback. Refuse to play. Want out of there. Belichick benches Malcolm Butler during the Super Bowl

and doesn't tell Tom Brady any explanation. Doesn't give him one. And Tom this offseason, Danny Amandola, Tom Brady, Gronk, all taking shots, not showing up to OTAs, let me out of here, I'll do it on my terms. Oh, same thing happened. Duncan and Brady, like Tom Cruise in Scientology, gave Popovich and Belichick's religion a face.

Duncan's gone. And Belichick no longer has Brady's absolute devotion to be the messenger. Tom now, Tom has his own religion. It's called the TB12 Clinic. Join, get bigger and stronger and last forever. Yep. I'm saying Belichick and Popovic are still really good and they're going to win a bunch of games. But they're no longer unstoppable forces and they're no longer gatekeepers to championships.

I've seen these old crusty guys, Hall of Fame guys, Bobby Knights won, Pop Belichick. The Spurs way, the Patriot way. Duncan gone, Brady no longer completely devoted. It just doesn't have the same feel. I love perky jerky. What makes it so great are all the unique flavors. They have a new variety pack, home run.

A lot of options. Listen, life gets boring, fast. try a different flavor every game special offer 40% off all multi-packs the best tasting jerky on earth guarantee 30 NFL execs scouts gms a lot of these guys are i would imagine are the same guys i talk to do a poll every year to espion and they they rank the quarterbacks into three four tiers four tiers and every year i push back on one guy and i and i look at this list i have one-one-one-one tiny, tiny, tiny, slight disagreement. By and large, I agree across the line with all the NFL execs, the entire poll. I buy it with one exception. So let me go to the exception.

Let's go to Tier 1. Their tier 1 is Rogers, Brady, Breeze, and Rothesberger. Their tier 2 is Matt Ryan, Russell, Wilson, Stafford, Rivers, Wenz, Luck, Newton, Derek Carr, Garoppolo, Watson. But in their second tier, they have a first-tier quarterback, Russell Wilson. They keep doing this. Now, they don't disrespect Russell and put him in the third tier. They don't rip Russell Wilson. They're not blind and put him in the fourth tier.

And they do put them very high up in the second tier. So it's not disrespectful. My tier one has been for several years, Aaron, Brady, Breeze, Ben, and Russell Wilson. NFL execs agree, they just lop off the Russell Wilson. Let me just say this. If we were judging actors and you were setting the same records as Tom Hanks, and you kept ending up in the same groups as Tom Hanks, Oscar nominations, Oscar wins, critical awards,

you'd be like, oh, that guy's pretty close to Tom Hanks, right? Let me give you some facts. Russell Wilson led the NFL last year in touchdown passes with the lowest ranked offensive line and worst running game in the league. If I told you a quarterback led the NFL and touchdown passes with the worst don't want and no running game, who would you have instinctively thought of? Tom Brady. Aaron Rogers.

Tom Brady. No, it was Russell Wilson. So he ends up in the same group as Brady and Rogers. That's interesting, Joy. Let's go to the second thing. Fact, he has the second highest passer rating all time in the league. Now, if I said, well, who are the, who is first and third? Aaron Rogers and Tom Brady.

That's interesting. A fact. He's third all time and touchdown interception ratio, all time. Number one is Aaron Rogers and number two is Tom Brady. Oh, he ends up in the same category as Tom and Aaron Rogers over and over. And over again. Isn't that interesting? But he's a tier two quarterback.

By the way, fact, Pete Carroll had been fired two times in the NFL as a head coach. Left USC under a storm of controversy. And his first two years in Seattle was 7 and 9, 7 and 9. Russell Wilson arrived, back-to-back Super Bowls, and a record of 65, 30, and 1. Right up there with, oh, wait, wait. Tom Brady and Aaron Rogers. Interesting.

If you end up in the same group over and over with, you know, the De Niro's and the Tom Hanks and Merrill Streep's and maybe you're as good as them. But the problem is we can't wrap our brains around Russell Wilson because of three reasons. Number one, he's 5.11 and a half. Star quarterbacks. They're like Terry Bradshaw.

They're like Dan Marino. They're six, four. 6-3, 6-5. Number two is he plays the position differently. We've never had an actor quite like that. And number three is, whereas Aaron Rogers and the Packers, we think about offense. Tom Brady, Gronk, Randy Moss Welker. Think about offense.

When you think about Seattle, a lot of their stars run defense, which is actually more amazing for Russell. He's never had a great receiving corps. He's never had a great offensive line. He has had one great running back, a little bit of a pain in the butt, but he's had one. Marshawn Lynch, now he's gone. If you keep ending up with Aaron Rogers and Tom Brady in all these crucial statistics, passer rating, touchdown interception ratio, winning percentage, and it's always Brady, Rogers and you, or Brady, you and Rogers,

or Rogers, you and Brady, then you're in their class. Russell Wilson is a tier one quarterback, but he plays it differently. He's smaller than we think. And because Seattle's been a defensive sort of brand in the NFL, we just can't wrap our brains around it. Other than that, the executives in total agreement. Oh, there's one other little tiny one. They have Dak Prescott and Eli Manning tied for 17th. I like that.

Mostly because Eli Manning has the mobility of a batting cage. I'm going to go with Dak, younger, better bod, little mobility. I think his ceilings, maybe not multiple Super Bowls, but I'm going to go with Dak better than Eli Manning. I do not believe they're tied. I think Eli Manning right now is a C quarterback. I think Dak Press got to C plus to a B minus quarterback. This is the herd podcast.

Every Tuesday during the NFL season, we just do it for the NFL season. I spend a lot of time in it because I have no life. I do the herd hierarchy. and it's the top 10 teams in the league. And I'm proud to say that generally by the end of the year, our four or five teams at the top end up doing very well in the playoffs. We had the Philadelphia Eagles way up there before everybody else did it all year long. And I saw this story yesterday.

John Gruden says if I fail, I won't take the Raiders money. If I can't get it done, I'm not going to take their money. And I thought, this thing has dumpster fire written all over it. They had a head coach that hasn't coached in a decade. They're the poorest franchise in the league. They're moving soon and haven't won a playoff game in 16 years. And in their division, they are not close to the Chargers and Chiefs in terms of overall talent. And this is going to be a mess, right?

Like, we know that, right? I know there's a lot of Raider fans. This is not going to work, right? I love Derek Carr. But if I said, before the year, I said, there's one team that's got a star quarterback that's going to implode. You'd be like Oakland. Like this thing has a chance to just be a powder keg. So I thought to myself, instead of the herd hierarchy,

why don't we do the herd dumpster hierarchy? These are the 10 teams in the NFL that I think have a chance to absolutely implode this year. The dumpster hierarchy. Number 10. Denver Broncos, number 10. Great organization, high expectations. John Elway's impatient. And oh yeah, they almost fired their coach last year.

And by the way, they bring in Case Keenham, and everybody in Denver's like, oh, he won 13 games for the Vikings. He's going to be great. Case Keenom's record was way sub-500 before he entered a great roster in Minnesota. Again, this division's really good. They almost fire their coach. And John Elway is not a patient man. Denver number 10. Number nine.

Jacksonville. Oh, Deshawn Watson's back. I guess you won't sweep Houston. Andrew Luck's back. I guess you won't sweep them. And by the way, the Titans did sweep you last year. I think right in the middle of this season, people in Jacksonville are going to go, oh, wait, we have the fourth best quarterback in this division. We've got to make changes.

Jacksonville, number nine. Number eight. I think I've got these guys too low, Seattle Seahawks. I know, I know, I know, I'm from the Pacific Northwest. But in the last five years, 13 wins, 12 wins, 10 wins, 10 wins, 10 wins, nine wins. Now Cam Chancellor, retired. Cliff Averill, retired. Richard Sherman, gone.

Michael Bennett, gone. Earl Thomas wants to be traded. offensive line still not great i think Seattle division's way better rams better Niners have a franchise quarterback i still think Arizona is one of the more underrated teams in the league i think they're a year away an offensive line away from being really really interesting Seattle number eight on the herd dumpster firearchy number seven bears are we sure Mitch Trubisky's any good we know green bay is going to be better we know Minnesota's loaded Mitch Trubisky didn't throw two touchdowns in any game, right?

You realize he started one year in college, and they were babysitting him last year. There's a possibility, well, not even a possibility. He's the fourth best quarterback in this league. He's not Aaron, and he's not Stafford, and I don't think he's Kirk Cousins. And I didn't love him in college. I think the Bears, historically, they haven't a mess more than they've been good. Could be a mess. Number seven. Number six.

Sorry, Joey, Miami Dolphins. I mean, Ryan Tannehill's back. But ownership, front office, I never trust the dolphins. I just don't trust them. You and me both. I mean, they've let go of some really good players. I don't know. Adam Gase is kind of clean house a little bit.

Yeah. Cleaning house works if you go five and one to start the season. Right. What if you go one in five with their schedule, which all their tough games are on the road? Then all of a sudden the team bails on the coach who started over and got rid of a really good play. players like Jarvis Landry and Adomacan Sioux, I think it could be a powder keg too. Number five. Carolina.

They've never had back-to-back winning seasons under Cam. They're getting frustrated with Cam. They called him out before last year. Now they bring in Norv Turner to help Cam, and their division's really, really good. Atlanta is the best team, I think, in their division, maybe the best team in the NFC after Philadelphia. And New Orleans is real good. And what if they finish third, and the Norv thing doesn't work?

And then people in the organization, halfway through the season, you know, they're three, and five, deep third place. Atlanta is like six and one, six and seven and one, and New Orleans is six and two, and people are bailing on Cam Newton because even Norv Turner can't help him. Watch out for Carolina. Number four. Baltimore Ravens. Fans are tired of Joe Flacco. He's underperformed his contract. Fans are tired of John Harbaugh, who's underperformed his contract. Ozzie Newsom's now. The GM is gone. He was kind of the rock-solid guy. And he got Lamar Jackson, who is, if nothing else, interesting. So whenever you have

an underperforming quarterback and a really, really interesting new first round rookie quarterback backing him up, you get the Tebow situation in Denver. Fans start shouting Lamar, Lamar, when you're 0 and 1 and you're 0 and 2 and you're 1 and 3.

This, I think, maybe I got them at 4, maybe I should have them higher. Number 3. Detroit. They're just an annual participant in our dumpster hierarchy, our dumpster hierarchy. Is Matt Patricia going to work? Does he feel like a head coach?

He's smart. A lot of guys are smart. Charlie Weiss, he was smart. Smart's not everything. Can you relate to guys to the alpha males in the room by you? He's a defensive guy and his best players, a quarterback? I don't know.

I don't know. Matt Patricia to meet. That was a story earlier. Players not necessarily buying into him. I don't know. You know, it could have been a blog thing. I got Detroit number three. Number two. Tampa Bay.

James Winston. Going to miss the, what, first three, four games? The marketing department doesn't have his name on the billboard. I don't think that's a very good sign. Listen, the kid's not mature enough right now. It's called franchise quarterback because it's about the franchise. And do you really want to give the keys to James Winston? He's been in trouble in college.

Now he's trouble in the NFL. He's just not mature enough for the position. I mean, again, if he was a linebacker, I probably wouldn't care if he was a right guard. I wouldn't care. If he was a corner, I wouldn't care. If he's a safety, I wouldn't care. A wide receiver. He's a quarterback. Grow up. I mean, by the way, he's easily the fourth best quarterback in that division, and he's not close to Bree. He's not close to Cam and not close to Matt Ryan. The fourth best quarterback in a division usually means you've got disarray coming now or very soon. Number one. It's got to be the Raiders. Doesn't

have to be the Raiders? John Gruden hasn't coached in a decade. If I take two, Two weeks off I'm rusty. Who can leave an industry for 10 years? Well, he was close to it. Yeah, I can listen to the radio. If I'm gone for 10 years, I'm not going to be very good on the radio. I don't know. I just don't see it working.

Don't like the defense. They're moving. Porist owner. Don't trust the ownership. Stadium issue. De Grootin and the GM like each other. You'll see pictures on the internet they do. That doesn't mean anything.

A snapshot doesn't mean anything. What's the working relationship? You heard grumbling toward the draft. There is my herd dumpster hierarchy. Catch the herd from new to three east. turn on IHeart Radio and FS1. Time to Bar!

Colin will decide if he'll buy it, sell, or hold. Here we go, John. Buy sell or hold. The 49ers will have a better record than the Patriots this season. Well, I'm a big believer, John. Give me the quarterbacks you are facing.

We know Garoppolo and Brady are good. Brady's the greatest of all time. Garoppolo is a very, very, very, potentially good quarterback. Who do they face? Well, in his own division, Garoppolo has to face Russell Wilson twice, and Jared Goff and Sean McJet Bay joined at the hip twice. And by the way, I think Josh Rosen and Sam Bradford,

although most people don't know what they are yet, that's a pretty good combo. And by the way, Vegas has the Niners at eight and a half, has the Patriots at 11 over-under. So John, sell, sell, sell. Niners are a year away from being special. They'll be good, but in the tougher NFC, facing Cousin, Stafford, Rivers, Rogers, Gough twice, Wilson, they're going to win fewer games than New England.

By Seller Hole, the Patriots will not have a first round by for the first time since 2009. Listen, when's the last time the Patriots were rebuilding their offensive line? Okay, it just doesn't happen. Tom Brady hasn't always had great receivers, great backs, great defenses, great secondaries, and great edge rushers. The two things Tom Brady has always had. a good offensive coordinator and a really above average offensive line.

And they are rebuilding it. And the AFC is better. So John, buy, bye, bye, by, by. Patriots will not have a first round by. 10 and 6 win their division in the improved AFC. Buy seller hold, Todd Gurley will rush for more yards than Ezekiel Elliott. I think Todd Gurley is a really great back. I think he and Ezekiel Elliott are the two most talented running backs in the national football league.

But here's the difference. Dallas lost Jason Whitten and Des Bryant, and they brought in possession receivers. Okay, they're going to have to run the football to be successful. Jared Goff got another good wide receiver, Brandon Cooks. And my takeaway is Sean McVeigh is more of a stretch the field coordinator. He wants to throw the ball more than Jason Garrett does. Jason Garrett tends to be conservative as an offensive guy. He's a more conservative guy.

Sean McVey went to Leth Sneed and said, we lost Sammy Watkins. I need another Sammy Watkins. So John... Sell, sell, sell! Todd Gurley will not rush for as many yards as Ezekiel Elliott because the culture of the Rams will be more vertical

and more passing-centric than the Cowboys' Run-Centric Jason Garrett conservative offense. By solar hold, Levyon Bell will not play for the Steelers after this season. Well, as Agent said, it's probably the last year. And I think what the Steelers did by offering him according to reports, a low ball offer, is they really sent a message. We're over you.

Now, remember this about Todd Gurley. When Todd Gurley doesn't rush for 100 yards, the Rams in the last couple years are sub-500. When Levian Bell, by the way, missed 14 games a couple years ago, the Steelers went 10 and 4 without him on the field. So John, bye, bye, bye-bye-bye. Levian Bell's last year in Pittsburgh.

Hope it's a memorable one. Last one, buy-seller hold. The Lakers will have more wins than the Rockets this season. LeBron James generally makes rosters work. Now, the question is, Rondo, Lance Stevenson, Javelle McGee, Michael Beasley. Those guys are in the weeds, man. Those guys are crazy, man. Those guys aren't going to work.

They're one-year deals. I think Carmel to the Rockets is problematic. They are going to be significantly worse on the defensive end. Trevor Reza gone. Luke Mombate gone. By the way, Clint Capella's not signed yet. They're still trying to figure out what to do with that. They lose defensive flexibility.

They lose defensive talent. John. Bye, bye, bye, bye. I think the Lakers end up slightly better than the Rockets next year. All three hours of the herd are always streaming on the herd channel on the I-Hard Radio app. David Spade, 75 acting credits. He was in the 1990s, Lauren Michael's Saturday Night Live. One of the truly funny guys, and I love him when he comes on our show, David Spade. Hey.

You are, you know what? Gone. First time, long time. Yes. Last time you sat on that. You know, I've seen you three or four times. You hate that couch. I don't like this thing.

Bring it. I can't move it. I just pulled my quad. No, this couch is great. I'm glad you got my Z-Gallery gift certificate. Put it to use. Colin, it's great to see you. I love it here.

I listen to the show all the time. No, you're not a sports guy. That's why I like you. about you. You're not big sports guy. No, no one's going to buy that. But I do watch it. You know, I like it. I'm more... You know, you're very...

Every time I see you, a beautiful woman, and paparazzi. The paparazzi, TMZ, love you. Is it ever a pain in the ass? Yeah. I mean, well, well, last summer I went to a... I was

in Hawaii for a show and I was in the pool with some girl and stupidly we were like hugging or something dumb. Meanwhile, I look like gross in every picture. They're always like baffled, you know, fine. So that's always one part of it. Like the girl's pretty, I'm gross.

You know, that's sort of the story. That's really the headline. You don't even have to read it. And then, but I was in the pool and she floated over for like 10 seconds. We hugged or something dumb. Anyway, picture, I don't know how they got it in the pool inside the hotel. So it's all over on 50 websites. I get home and I go to my place.

I eat for breakfast all the time. And my German waiter, who's my buddy, he goes, hey, how was your weekend, huh? And I go, oh, yeah, all right. And he goes, a little fun in the sun, huh? I go, yeah, okay. Little pool party. I go, yeah, he goes, I saw a picture of you.

I go, yeah, I get it. I get what's going on. We all saw it. And then he goes, oh, but then you get out of the pool, you get such a big gut. Why do you take such horrible picture? I go, what? And he goes, I mean, don't you want better pictures of you?

Because they're so gross the one. I go, dude, do you get how it works? I don't pick. Do you understand they want a bad picture of me? Well, it doesn't take them long. Shoot three pictures. Pick the worst one. But it's literally, I go, they have a contact sheet with a jeweler's loop.

And they go, he looks good here, good here. This one, fat and gross. Run with it. So I go from the front. I'm not bad from the side. Well, who looks good from the side? I know. And by the way, I'm not.

Being 38 now, it's just very tough. Nobody Google it. Keep going. You actually came out with something that's brilliant, and I don't know whose idea this was. I've written two books. They're hard. Yeah. It's ditch digging.

It's so hard. Oh, God's the worst. You came out with just an audiobook. So you don't do any writing. You're like, I just want to do the audio book of it. That was the idea. Believe me, I wanted to skim through it. But then I wrote it anyway.

Why did you do that? Because they told me to, why did I listen? I just wanted to go in the booth and go, I'm funny, hey, bop, bap, beep, boop. But I had to get it down. So I literally still have a book. Oh, the audio's the easy part. But when I, audio is easy for you.

And some people hate it because to sit there and talk and read it, even though you know it and you wrote it, it's very. Took me two weeks. Oh, it's so rough. And I'm reading my, man, am I write different than I read? That's why when I wrote the book and you try to be smarter with words. Yeah. You know, here I'm like, blah, blah.

And then all of a sudden there's words. You're like, oh, these are like, they don't disappear. under the ether. Right. So you have to use... It's thought out. Yeah, you want to have commas and stuff. Yes, and I read it with the wrong inflection.

Then I got to go back. Even though I wrote it myself, I go, what did I mean here? Oh, yeah, yeah. But I did it. I think I was the first one. I think because I go, my audio book on my last real book, which I was here for, did well on audio and I didn't even know about audio. So I go, oh, what don't I just do straight to audio?

Maybe that's better. Yeah. And then I called Audible. And they said, yeah, we'll try that. So I just did it straight there. It's number two this week. I just told me. New York Times.

So I just said, number two. Oh, I love it. So they told me last night. So I go, oh, my God. People are buying this. So. So, but there's one funny thing on there because I think you're, uh, you're not as old as me, but you remember Tommy boy, you remember Farley, right?

Because do I remember Tommy boy? Dude, it goes if there's, if there's honestly, and I'm dead serious, I would, I would tell you. In fact, I got into this conversation on a plane with a buddy not long ago. We said five funniest movies of your life. and number one for all the guys was the one with Zach Galvanakis, Hager. Hangover was number one. Hangover was great. And about most of the guys thought Tommy Boy was two.

Oh, it's an inching toward the front. Oh, my God, it's iconic. Oh, I love it. Thank you. Now, by the way, did you know when you're doing a movie? Yeah. You've done 75. Farley's obviously funny, but he could be a little bit of a wreck.

I mean, he was all over, right? Did you know in the middle of it? Oh, Christ, this is great. Well, I know in the middle of it, it's great for us. Like we are cracking up. It was our own movie. Lauren said,

you tour funny at work. Why don't you do a movie? So, you know, they wrote it up. We go to Toronto. Nobody's on us. Paramount doesn't care. They're like sort of a favor for Lauren.

Like he has a deal. Put Fatty and Skinny up in Toronto to see what comes up, shake him up a bit. So we go up there and we do it. And then like, if the scenes felt a little flat, we're like,

what if we do like try fat, guy and a little coat. Just stuff we did it on the office. Sure. Or when I'd go to his door every morning, I'd go, we're at the four seasons. I go, housekeeping. And then he go, no. And I go, housekeeping. Neat pillow. And he's like, what? No. And I go, then he opens up. He goes, oh, it's you.

I go, dude, I do this every single day. You've never figured out once at our call time. It's me again. Plus, Bo Derek Rob Lowe. It had a campy, funny, hysterical odd. I mean, listen, that movie has got me did so many restaurants.

Do you have a Chris Farley story I don't know about? Well, I do know that on the audio book, not to plug that, and not to dine out and I don't talk about Farley all the time anymore. People tell me, oh, you know, that was your best movie, of course. You should have stopped there. I go, why would I stop there? But anyway, I go, you're like 38. And listen, in fairness, working with the great Chris was a gift.

But I have to keep doing stuff. but I and the audio book I threw in this thing Jody my buddy's here with me from Arizona and when we were in Arizona during Planet Hollywood opening remember those? Yes.

Great chicken fingers. If you ever get a chicken. But I went there because they brought everyone in for the opening and Farles and I came and Jody liked motivational speaker. So I go, hey Farley you met Jody at the show. I go, well you call him

and do motivational speaker? So he calls Jody. how are you good good he does the whole thing on his machine Jody just finds it on his laptop two months ago while I'm doing my audio book and I go dude send it to me I'm in the booth I listen to it I go can we record this can we put it on the book so it's in the book so I have a like a minute long him of doing something no one's ever heard that's so cool it gives you the chills because it's so exactly him at the height

of motivational speaker he's laughing and I'm telling him he's doing it wrong in the background. It's funny. Let me ask you this, David. When you came up, you came up with some Chris Rocks and Adam Sandler's. Yeah. All these guys. Did you know at the time, Sandler would be the rich one? Like he'd become the, isn't he the rich one? It's a good question. He always said he wanted to be like Eddie Murphy big and he wasn't being cocky. He just goes, you know, we all loved Eddie. And I was like, wow, I wouldn't even have aspirations at high. I. I wouldn't even have aspirations at high. I was just couldn't believe I was on S&L. I wasn't always wanting to be a comedian.

I wasn't, I sort of stumbled into it, and then I just liked it. And I said, I'll just do this on my life. If I make enough to pay my bills, that's a success. If I'm not borrowing from people, if I just can do what I want and scoot around and cover my own stuff, then I'm fine. And then it got a little better as I went on,

but S&L was so overwhelming. I thought that was impossible, and to be in a movie, impossible. So Sandler, very driven, very smart, very funny, had a lot of moves. knew what he wanted. I don't think I would have predicted he'd be this unbelievably rich. Well, he's rich, rich, rich.

Like, Bob Hope is one of those guys. You're like, oh, Bob Hope owned Palm Spring. Like Dick Clark. Yes. Dick Clark was like, you know, everybody knew Johnny Carson was rich. And you're like, oh, Dick, you want to know who's the richest guy that nobody knows in America today in your business? Well, Byron Allen. Oh, he is rich.

Yeah, Byron Allen. He told me. I saw him the other day. Yeah, he's worth like $600 million. Yeah. If I had his money, I'd throw mine away. But I remember when I saw when Sandler, by the one, back then you didn't have how much are they worth on Google. You just had to go, Bob Hope is rich.

And then you just took his worry. Oh, he is. Okay. But now you find out to the penny what everyone has. But Sandler got really rich. But he always helped us, which was nice. But Rock, always rich, goes out on a tour, rakes it in. Everybody there, you know, when I wrote there, everyone was so good.

I expected miracles from everyone. It was, that's why it was so hard. Conan O'Brien was a writer. He's genius. You know, Bob Odenkirk, so funny and smart. He's just a writer trying to be a performer. Robert Smigel, genius, Jack Handy. Jeez, low.

Deep thoughts, all that stuff. These are my, these are I'm competing with every day to write. John Stewart was around, but he wasn't doing. He wasn't. He wasn't. Not with me. Norm MacDonald. And then I'm writing against Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller.

Holy God. Sandler. Rock. everyone's so funny that just for me to get a blip on the radar was a gift. So to get out of there, once I got out of there, I go, oh, it was like Marines where I could be at least one of the top funniest people in the room after that. But when I'm there, you're just treading water, you know. So I get out there. It was great training.

So I had to think faster. When you're talking to rock at dinner, you have to think of the joke after the joke you're about to say because he's going to know that one's coming. So you just get trained to be better. It sounds stupid, but it's kind of true. No, you hang out with smart, talent, and people. You get smart and... Makes everyone better, yeah. Absolutely.

Who's your closest friend in comedy? Weird out. No. Weird out. I'm kidding. I don't know him. No. I love musical gimmick guy.

I don't know. I don't know. I still see rock and sailor probably the most. I love them. They're great guys. I see... Oh, LeBron's going to be my new friend. Oh, wait time out.

What? He's going to be my new friend. Well, I don't know. I'm going to DM. He actually has some comedic timing. I saw LeBron in a movie. Was it a Bill's Hater or something? And he was actually, he was kind of funny.

Train Riz. Yeah, he was in. It was okay. Yeah. But he'll be my friend because he'll be out here. Actually, I do not like to hang out with guys that tall, to be honest. Well, yeah. I look so shimpy with normal people.

Yeah. I used to hang with Barcliffe during the Suns. Yeah. And then I gave up. But let me ask you this. When you're a comedian. Story's boring. How do you?

No, no, no. When you're a comedian, you, When you're a comedian, and now I can't act. Like I don't have the ability to act. I can't act. So, because, okay, so you're a comedian. Jerry Seinfeld used to say this. Like he was like, I am the world's worst actor.

If I said to you, right now, you're a comedian. You have comedic timing. And I said, okay, Spade. Right now, you're a criminal. You're walking in. Can you shift and do that? Go for it. I played the same guy for less 22 years.

That's what I thought. So you don't consider yourself an actor. Well, listen, it's sort of easy. I mean, people go as acting easy. It's not that hard. I mean, from what I do, I'm not out there with De Niro. But that girl, there was a girl, you know, precious. That was the first movie.

Yeah. She won an Oscar for it. First movie. Yeah. And then Jody Foster was in Paper Moon at five years old. She won an Oscar. We had five. And there's Jennifer Hudson.

she's an American Idol. She's, the thing she studied her whole life for singing, she got 12th place. She can't even win. Steps over to acting wins an Oscar the first time. How hard is it? Yeah, good point. It's not that hard.

It's like me joining the NBA and I'm like, it doesn't look that hard. Then I'm the best guy in the whole league the first time. It's like, you won an Oscar? I've been doing this. Nobody could go on stage their first comedic presentation and kill it. No. Acting maybe, but no.

I mean, first time you were on stage doing comedy was the laugh, hut in Tempe. Very close. Giggles in Tucson. Gutbusters in Nebraska. Was it? No, but it was close. They're all very close. Did you have a first joke? I think I said,

hey, because I looked younger, I go just got here. My mom dropped me off. She'll be back in a few minutes. She's at Ralph's. And then I said, I bought a new car. It's not really new. It's an old UPS truck. I got to park wherever I want. That's not bad. That's not bad.

That's not bad. Then it was downhill from there. But it took me a long time to get even 10 minutes. Of course. Comedy is hard. So I take it seriously. I'm not a kind of comic. I don't think I'm some top 10 comic because I think to do that.

It's got to be a complete grinding machine. Well, you have to be good. That's out. But I also, I'm not, I don't do politics because it's. Too devices. It's too. Yeah, it's too divisive. It's not funny.

And it's so done right now. Like, if you walk up and say, I hate Trump, then everyone applauds. Who cares? Like, just give me something new I haven't seen. Come on, come on, come on. And I don't do race. I mean, there's a lot of things I don't tackle that will make you, like, an interesting comic, like, buzzed about talking. God, you'd be a bore on Twitter.

You don't do politics and race. I know, and I am. Believe me, Twitter's plummeting. But I do put selfies, so that's cool. Oh, that's great. So, hey, join up at it. Father of the Year, it's on Netflix. Oh, by the way, on Netflix.

On that, I play a New Hampshire dad. A new hampshire dad. I had to get a dialect coach. Can you believe me? The worst actor in the world. What's New Hampshire dialect? It's a combination of New Hampshire and bad acting. You'll see it in the clip.

Okay. Here's David Spade. Netflix. Father of the year. It looks like LeBron. This is the dad I'm fighting. They told me you're in here. I just need a minute of your time.

Marty, you know, six people are murdered here. In this room along. Come on. God damn, I never felt anything so strong. Punch was an electric. You're not human. Yeah, it was my taser gun, and I will use it again if I have to. By the way, you didn't do that.

Was that you? Was that you? That was a stuntman. I took the stun gun. I took the fake stun gun. But then the other guy, the other guy, I get in 30 fights in that movie. It's just my stuntman getting knocked out. So do you, by the way, David Spagg, Howard Stern, he's one of those guys like Letterman,

he goes home and just hides all day, right? So you don't hang out with him. He doesn't hang out with anybody. Sometimes. Every email or whatever. Email, that's not hanging out. So Howard's like Letterman. He's a recluse.

I tried to pitch my emailing is hanging out, but you caught me. He's not. Howard's a recluse. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Letterman's like that. Letterman, too. You know, I.

Norm McDonald's a little bit like that. One time I wrote Letterman a little bit. letter. You did? Yeah. Why? Wouldn't you be scared to? Yeah, because he's kind of too much. By the way. He's kind of the prince of comedy. When I used to do that show, it was one of the first ones I got on and we loved Letterman. You know, we asked him, like, Letterman, even in stand-up. He was just very dry, very cool, you know, didn't care. And so we all were like, Ar-F-R-F, if we want to be on Letterman and have him

like us. So I went on probably 10 times when he was on. But when he would laugh, it was the best. Like, if I'd go on the panel and try and need to sit back, And he'd go, like if I actually cracked him up, that was a big deal for a comedian. Leno, you were dealing with Iowa people. Like, if you did Leno, it was full of Iowa. Yeah, exactly. You go to do Letterman, and it's guys that have combs in the Hamptons, and their bar, and they're weird, and they're snooty, and they're, it's a quirky show.

I will tell you, when I go on these shows, Ellen, who's doing stand-up now, again, she's great. She's great. She's great. Letterman, Leno, you know, wherever I am, Phelan. When I think of stuff to talk about, it's always different. So I will only talk about this on Ellen, this dry stuff on Letterman, that would crack him up, I think, or just for his audience. And then this is more for Leno. It's funny because they're all a little different.

So what I'm going to try to say on there and talk about, I think I try to tailor it. And it would usually sort of work. Because, you know, Letterman, you can do the wispiest jokes that are barely jokes, and he appreciates it. Yes. But in the other ones, it's just crickets. So you have to sort of know what you're doing. Letterman's the anti-joke. That's why he loves Norm MacDonald.

Yeah. Like Norm. He's got a lot of anti-jokes. Norm. Oh. Ooh. Kidding. No, he's one of my buddies.

Every time we have dinner, I go, Norm, are you with us? What's going on? One time we were on stage. We did Sandler, Schneider. We all did a tour. Nick Swartz and Norm. And then, you know,

Norm's very smart comedian. He's very, very, he gets kind of kooky. And he had one of those nights where it sort of went a little sideways. Schneider gets up because he was hosting and he goes, well, Seattle, you're going to get one norm or the other. And tonight, you got that one. And the Norm later goes,

we have this big group chat. Then he's ragging on Rob. He's like, what was that all about? Yeah, I mean, Norm's different. But he's also a genius. Highly respected. He was on Letterman's last show.

Yeah. Robin Williams was on Carson's last show. Oh. Yeah. I'll be on yours. Yeah. which is not long from now. So is it Friday or is that a rumor?

You bring something special for us today since you do a different thing for every show? No, yeah, no. This is not really, yeah. This is my A-Stuff, Joe. I brought my A-game. Father of the year, Netflix. I'm going to go to those Lakers games, bud.

Okay, I'll see you there. You get better seats than I do. Yeah, because I'm a show as phony. I have the agents that we get in that four seats right in the front by the... I know. I've seen where you sit. I know.

Everyone hates it. You sit in the front row every time. It's so embarrassed. It's obnoxious. And I go, which guys are us? Are we the purple? And then LeBron's going to be there. I think he should,

he should to ingratiate himself, maybe take over the T-shirt gun at halftime. Oh, that'd be great. Just something. Little things matter. David Spade, great having you on. Last night, a blown call changed a game. This morning, the internet lost its mind.

And nobody's telling you exactly what happened. That's where Sports Slice comes in. I'm Timbo, and every episode we're cutting through the noise, breaking down the biggest moments in sports and giving you the real story behind the headline. And we're going straight to the source, the athletes themselves. Their locker room stories, their reactions in the moment, and the stuff nobody gets to hear. Listen to Sports Slice on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. And for more, follow Timbo Slical Life 12 in the TikTok podcast network on TikTok.

Another podcast from some SNL, late-night comedy guy, not quite on humor. me with Robert Smygel and friends, me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier. This week, my guest, S&L's Mikey Day and head writer, Streeter Seidel, help an a cappella band with their between songs banter. Where does your group perform? We do some retirement homes. Those people are starving for banter. Listen to humor me with Robert Smigel and Friends on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Michelle McPhee, and I've been unraveling the strangest, I've ever reported on, a Mormon polygamist and an Armenian businessman.

Multimillion dollar house, Ferraris and Lamborghinis, private jets, a billion dollar fraud. But how long can this alliance last? Tell me what you know. Is somebody coming after me? Listen to Kingdom of Fraud on the Ayerr Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist, and hosts care games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere,

but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. This is an IHart podcast. Guaranteed human