The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - 7 Steps to Decluttering Your Relationships

Episode Date: February 14, 2020

Jeff brings together seven Scripture verses on relationships to help us simplify and declutter our relationships. Reflecting on these will help you in your family life, friendships, work relationships, and your relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Email me at [e-mail] or text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to get the shownotes!

You're listening to the Jeff Kavana show, episode 153, seven steps toward decluttering your relationships. Hey, I'm Jeff Kavins. How do you simplify your life? How do you study the Bible? All the way from motorcycle trips to raising kids, we're going to talk about the faith and life in general. It's the Jeff Kaven show.

And finally, here we are back. Back in the studio here, deep in the woods of Minnesota, fresh coat of snow on the ground, just beautiful outside. Quite a difference from last week when I was in Israel. My wife and I had been over in Israel for a month, the whole month of January, and different landscape, different people, different food, different experience. And you go from going from site to site and fellowshiping and having dinner with so many wonderful people from around the country, around the world, really, to suddenly hear this white coat of snow and quiet in the deep woods looking at the lake. So it's good. It's good to be back and good to be back with you. And

I have a good show for you. I think it's a good show because we've got scripture and a lot of concepts today that I want to send your way that I think are going to help in relationships. And isn't that what it's so often about is relationships, the people that we interact with, the people that we live with, the people that we encounter online? It's about relationships. And so often our relationships get entangled and become a mess, and it causes so much emotional strain on people. That's what I want to talk about today.

and I've got seven steps towards decluttering your relationships, backed up with scripture on every one of them. And my hope is that after today's show, you might have some real biblical steps to take to declutter the relationships. You know, as I talk to people traveling around the country and my friends even locally here, everything that we seem to get around to is problems in relationships, expectations in relationships, being discouraged by relationships, comparing ourselves to other people. And that can just really be deadly to your spiritual life. It really can. I remember reading not too long ago, well, it was a long time ago, I guess maybe 10 years ago, there was a study done on, and I don't have it in front of me, so I'm just kind of winging it here, but it was a study done on the problems that people were

bringing into confession on a weekly basis, whether they're going to confession or whether they're just, you know, letting steam off with their friends, that the majority of the relationships or the majority of the problems that they were facing really came down to relationships and not being able to handle those relationships and to balance relationships. And so this is, incredibly important. Now before I get to those seven steps towards decluttering your relationships, let me remind you just of a couple things. One is seriously, time is running out on the trip in June with Father Mike Schmitz and the Swoffords and Alia, Taylor Tripodi, brother Isaiah, big, big pilgrimage to the Holy Land in Israel. We have about 40

seats left on that pilgrimage. If you're interested, go to my website this week. You've got to sign up because it's going to close pretty quickly for the simple reason is we're not going to have any more room left on it. But if you are at all interested in going to the Holy Lamb, and you want to be around other people, young adults primarily, talking about the rest of our life and really looking at 2020 vision going forward, you've got to get in now. So I just want to to say that. Also, if you want show notes, for example, today I'm going to be giving you seven different scriptures, actually eight on the seven steps towards decluttering your relationship, then all you have to do is text me. My name is Jeff Kavens, and that's just one

one full word, Jeff Kavins, J-E-F-F-C-A-V-I-N-S, and all you have to do is text 33-777. And we'll make sure that you have all the show notes for every single show. Okay, so seven steps towards decluttering your relationships. Let's go through these, and they're not in any particular order, but I think they're all very, very important. Number one, if you're going to start to declutter the relationships in your life, and you're going to get down to where you really have good, solid, wholesome relationships with people, number one, I would say is we have to make sure that we're not holding unforgiveness towards anybody. This is so important. Unforgiveness towards people in the relationships you have is deadly. It can really tie you up emotionally, and it can occupy your thinking, at work,

at home, and it actually gets in the way of relationships, whether it's a family relationship or a work relationship or your neighbor. If it's something that you're always thinking about, that somebody has hurt you, somebody has done something to you that you feel like, wow, they really owe me, and you can't even focus on the basics of life because of it, then you have a problem. There's a story in the Bible that I'd like to draw your attention to, and that is Matthew chapter 18, and it starts in verse 23 and goes to verse 35, and it is a powerful, powerful story. And the story illustrates, Number one, the fact that you and I have been forgiven so much by the Lord, who we really couldn't repay. We were really on our way to hell, lost, dead, and he forgave us all the debt that we owed.

And he asks us to go out and to forgive other people who owe us relatively small amounts compared to what we've been forgiven. So here's how it goes. Now, what I want you to do is pay attention. to the end of the story here, because the end of the story is incredibly powerful, and it just might be you trapped in unforgiveness, in your relationship. Here's how it goes. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to subtle accounts with his servants. When he began the reckoning, one was brought to him who owed him 10,000 talents. Now, 10,000 talents.

10,000 talents is literally almost an infinite number that cannot be repaid. It's hundreds of years of salary. It just can't be repaid. And as he could not pay, his Lord ordered him to be sold with his wife and children and all that he had and payment to be made. So the servant, as you can imagine, fell on his knees imploring him, Lord, have patience with me. and I will pay you everything. And out of pity for him, the Lord of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. Pause. What a relief, huh? What a relief. Verse 28. But that same servant, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, a few days' wages. And seizing him by the throat, he said, pay what you owe. So his fellow servant fell down and besought him, have patience with me, and I will pay you. Ha, here's where it gets sticky. Verse 30.

He refused and went and put him in prison till he should pay the debt. Now, we'll pause there for a second. The problem with this guy's story is that CNN and Fox have been recording the whole thing, and it's going to be played back. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their Lord all that had taken place. then his Lord summoned him and said to him, you wicked servant, I forgave you all that debt because you besought me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you?

And in anger, his Lord delivered him to the jailers till he should pay all of his debt, period. That's pretty powerful, isn't it? That is really powerful. This guy owes 10,000 talents, years upon years and years of salary. And he begs for mercy. And the Lord releases him. And that's the key word, releases him of that debt. But that same guy went outside minutes later and found a guy that owed him a few days' salary and said, you owe me. And that man implored him in the same way that he implored the Lord. He said, please, please be merciful. I will pay it back. And he said, no. And he put him into prison. Someone's watching. And they come back and they tell the original Lord. And so he takes that man, puts him into prison until he pays back everything. Listen to that wording

again in verse 34. And in anger, his Lord delivered him to the jailers till he should pay all his debt. That word jailers is also translated as torturer. It's like a torture. It's like agony. It's awful. But here's what I want you to notice. Verse 35, the parable is over. It's over. But Jesus continues, and what does he say to the disciples in the parable? So also, my Heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. You see, unforgiveness clutters relationships. Unforgiveness weakens us tremendously. And so I want to encourage you today, if you are holding a grudge against someone, one way to declutter your relationships is to offer forgiveness,

Release them. You don't need it. Release them. Number two, another way to declutter your relationships. Is there any envy towards others? This is, I guess if I was to rank them, this could be the worst. Is there any envy towards others? Now, when I ask that question, you know, think about people at work. Think about your relationships in your family, your brother, your sister. Maybe you're grown, and they're all grown too, but think about them for a second. First of all, when I say this to people, oftentimes they'll say to me, well, I don't struggle with envy. That's not a problem of mine, but I think many times we don't know what envy really is. There's a difference between envy and jealousy. Jealousy is, I want what you have. It could be good, it could be bad, but boy, I'm

jealous. I wish I had that. Envy is, I don't want you to have that. You see, envy is when you become sad at somebody else's success. You're catching on now, right? How deadly this is. You become sad when somebody else is blessed. You hear about your sister, you hear about your brother, you hear about your colleague, you hear about somebody in the same field as you who's been given an award or blessed in so many ways, whether it's monetarily or in public honor. And you'd think you'd be happy, but you're not. It makes you sad. And when it makes you sad, it colors your whole life. You need to declutter, declutter your relationships by making sure that you're not walking in envy. It's a deadly sin. The deadly sins are just that. They are sins that, well,

they're deadly, right? And I was a pastor for 12 years before coming back into the Catholic Church, and I can tell you that I don't know of anything that destroys relationships and ruins people's lives like envy because it will follow you 24-7. Envy is no respecter of time, morning, afternoon, or evening. It's no respecter of what you're doing in your life or what you're supposed to be doing in terms of vocations and being a father and a mother. It will follow you and it will hound you. And that is, that's just deadly. You know, Paul wrote to the Romans in chapter 12, and by the way, all these scriptures will be in the show notes. He wrote to the Romans, and he talked about a proper relationship between one another.

He said that we need to rejoice with those who rejoice, and we need to weep with those who weep. He goes on and says, live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, never be conceited. It's that first verse in Romans 1215 that I want to draw your attention to, rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Envy turns it upside down. We rejoice with those who weep, and weep with those who rejoice. You want to declutter your relationship and you're dealing with envy? I'm going to ask you to go to confession and confess it as a deadly sin. Deal with it Now, if you want to declutter the relationships in your life.

Number three, choose close friends carefully. One way to declutter the relationships, all the relationships in your life that you might have out in life, I'll call it real life. And then online, you need to choose close friends carefully. Very, very important to do this. I think sometimes we get caught in the reality of, you know, the reality of, of having so many friends that it becomes so busy, and the expectations that we give people in our life are unreasonable, and we start to feel the weight of, I haven't got back to this person, I promised this, I said that, whatever it might be. And so choose close friends

carefully, and that goes for online too. I like what Paul wrote to the Corinthians when he said in 1 Corinthians 1533, he said, do not be deceived, bad company ruins good morals. It's powerful, isn't it? Bad company ruins good morals. Now, a little caveat there, we don't just put ourselves in a bubble wrap world where we have two friends and we don't associate with anybody else. I'm not talking about associating with people. I'm talking about choosing close friends carefully, because those close friends will have an influence in your life and an influence on you. And so it's important to choose close friends carefully. You might want to do this. You might want to just think for a moment, you know, who are the three, two, three, four, five people in my life that I would really consider

close friends? Those are the ones you want to give attention to. And this is, um, assuming that your family is going to be involved in the inner circle that you're going to give your time to. But outside of that, who are the small number of close friends that you would say, I'll drop what I have and I will tend to them? If I say something, I will do it. That's important. Remember, bad company ruins good morals. Number four is really important, and that is don't promise people or give them the sense that you can do something or will do something for them if you're not sure you can. I find this to be something that cluttered life. And we all, to a certain degree, want to be people pleasers, don't we? You know, we want to make everybody happy and somebody

asks us. And we say, well, sure, I can do that. Or will you give me a call back there? Sure. Or, you know what, I'll text you, I'll email you, or whatever it might be, or talk to me after the conference call later today, and we don't do it. And then we start to feel the clutter in our lives. One of the things that we need to be careful of is our yeses and our noes. And there's a perfect scripture for this in Matthew chapter 5 and verse 37 that says, Jesus says, let what you say be simply yes or no. Anything more than this comes from the evil one. Let your yes be yes and let your no be no. Sometimes we get caught in that gray area where, you know, our yes doesn't mean yes. Our no doesn't mean no. And then we start to juggle the emotional weight of the relationships

out there. And we're not sure what we've, what we have really committed to. I'll give you an example. years ago, when I was in a pastor, I was in a new church, and there was a lovely couple that came up to me, and it wasn't their fault. I'll just say that right off the top. They came up to me, and I started to talk to them. And I, in what I said and in my body language, and I suppose in my face and everything, I promised them more than I really could deliver in terms of, let's get together, yes, will do that and, oh, I'd love to hear that and so forth. Well, I didn't think much of it after that face-to-face discussion, but about two or three months later, they came back to me and they were very angry. And I didn't know why. And I finally asked him, I said, what's the deal? What's going on? And they went back to that initial conversation. They said, we thought we were going to be close. We thought we were going to get together. We thought we were going to have dinner. We thought, and I thought, oh my gosh, their expectations of the relationship were far exceeding what I thought

I had set up on the table months earlier. You see, don't promise people or give them the sense that you're going to do something or give them something that you're not sure you can. That clutters the relationships. I got number five, six, and seven coming up right after the break. You're listening to the Jeff Kaven Show. Hi, I'm Sonia Corbett, the Bible study of Angelista. When I became Catholic, I had a really hard time understanding the role Mary was supposed to play in my life.

So I went to her and I told her, I just don't get it. I need your help. And guess what? Mary did just that. She showed me a way to pray that has revolutionized my entire life. Mary has been called the mother of listening. She didn't just hear the word. She knew how to hear it in light of her own relationships, circumstances, and habit.

and then she let the word transform her. I realized that I had to share what I was learning about Mary's way of praying with others. So I wrote How to Pray Like Mary, a step-by-step guide to discovering God's voice in the scriptures and letting Him transform your heart. I invite you to learn more about how to pray like Mary at ascensionpress.com or on Amazon. And welcome back. about seven steps towards decluttering your relationships. And so far we've been through don't hold unforgiveness, don't walk in envy, choose close friends carefully. Don't promise people

what you can't deliver. And number five, have you spoken negatively or gossiped about someone? That clutters relationships, because now you've got to backtrack and you got to You got to make sure that that doesn't get out to anybody else, and you're going to wonder, did they hear, did they hear what I said about them, or what I commented about in the meeting at work? Have you spoken negatively about somebody? Have you either emailed or text or even gave a hint about somebody that was negative? Maybe it was even a facial expression, or just plain gossip. These are sins of the tongue that complicate.

our lives and these webs we weave. They're so dangerous and so cumbersome as far as the emotional weight that we bear when we do that. When you speak negatively about somebody, the next time you see them, you wonder if they heard. You spin a web about somebody and it comes back. Your life is going to become more complicated. One way of decluttering your relationships is to make sure that you always speak positively about people, and that you don't spread rumors, either by omission or commission. And we don't share gossip by means of a spiritual tool. And what I mean by that is that what, we don't say to someone, well, I normally wouldn't talk to you about John or Mary or Susan or Brad, but I know you care about them, and I just ask you to, you know, lift them up in prayer because, well, let's just say

their marriage. That's gossip. And that's going to, that is going to cause our relationships to become much more complicated. Paul wrote to the Colossians in chapter four and verse six, and he said, let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt so that you may know how you ought to answer everyone. So let your speech be gracious. Do not get caught up in rumors, in lies, and gossip, negative discussion. We've got enough to worry about in our own lives. Number six, another way to declutter the relationships in your life. Stop following people online that you really aren't interested in.

You're not being mean, but you are defining your important relationships when you delete. you know, in social media, follow the people that you're really interested in. Don't follow someone just to belong. You see, if we start pursuing popularity and likes and, you know, getting as many followers as we as we possibly can, we have to ask ourselves, what is our real motive? What is our real motive? And that's really, really important. Paul wrote to the Galatians in chapter 4 and verse 9 and he said, but now that you know God, or rather are known by God, how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? I think sometimes we become enslaved in our relationships when our goal is simply to be liked. I had a podcast earlier in the year, which I said that we were created for love but subtle for likes. And it's so true, isn't it, that we're created for love, but we'll settle for likes. So when it comes to uncluttering our relationships, I think it's a beautiful thing to be connected to those people

that are talking about those things that we truly are interested in. And we only have enough time for so many people. But if we simply follow someone to be liked or be a part of the group or to belong, our lives become much more complicated. What if in Instagram or Twitter or Facebook, if all the relationships that you were in were truly relationships? It might make those social media apps a little bit more interesting rather than, oh, man. And I've heard it. I've heard it all over the country. People saying, I just wish I could take a break from this. Oh, this is like, So wait on me, we'll do it. Go through those lists. Just start deleting all those relationships that really don't mean anything in your life. And don't be afraid of what people are going to think.

And number seven, the seventh one that I'd like to share with you about decluttering your relationships is make it your goal to be a disciple, not an influencer. Become a disciple. Become a disciple. Become a disciple, not an influencer. I started to realize about a year ago that the big buzzword now online is influencer. And I have to ask myself, is that really true? Is that really true? Are we really influencers or are we noise out there? I can't tell you the number of young adults. When I say young adults, I'm talking about 16 to 35, you know, right around that range. The number of young adults who have who have told me that they are depressed. They are depressed because they have more relationships than any other generation before them, but they are more depressed. And you know what they say?

They say that their relationships on Facebook are not real. Their Snapchat relationships are not real. What they're seeing is not real. How many more of your friends with cat ears do you need to see and hear from, wouldn't you like to be in a real relationship where you could sit down and really talk to somebody? That's a relationship. That's a relationship. And our goal is not to be an influencer. You know how we become influencers in the world by being disciples? By following Christ on a daily basis from morning till night and walking in love and kindness, injustice, in mercy, the relationships that come before us. That's what you're responsible for. You want to be an influencer. You want to comment on Rome. You want to comment on the Pope. You want to comment and try

move society and so forth. Listen, Rome is not your problem. Your problem is the address you live at. That's where the problem is. That's where the battle is. Become a disciple. Choose your friends carefully and love them with the love of the Lord. So make it your goal to be a disciple of the Lord. And I have no problem in telling you, get my new book, The Activated Disciple, because this is what we try to get into. Go to ascensionpress.com. And we'll put it in the show notes, the activated disciple. This is where the heart is satisfied. Not in becoming a world influencer. You become a world influencer by being a disciple. think about the 12 disciples. If their goal was to be world influencers in the sense of, you know, look at what I'm doing, they never would have accomplished their goal. They simply did what the Lord told them to do. They imitated the Lord in everything he said and everything he did. And then I think overall, if I was to come up with something that kind of wraps up, you know, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, all seven of these steps towards decluttering your relationships in your life.

It would be to make Jesus the number one relationship. The number one relationship, the number one priority every day to make him part of 24-7, not number one A on a checklist, but everything. Everything. To live is Christ. And that is the ultimate in decluttering your relationships is to give him priority in everything. Everything. Well, I'm glad I had an opportunity to share these things. I've been on my heart for a little while, and I wanted to give them to you, and by the way, they're for me too. And I don't sit here deep in the woods of Minnesota, just thinking about what somebody else needs to hear. Oftentimes, these are the things that I need to hear. I need to hear them, too. So I encourage you, press on, think about these seven things. I'll give you all seven scriptures, all seven scriptures. Oh, let me

give you the last one, did I? Make it your goal to be a disciple, not an influencer. Listen, Matthew 1626, for what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life? What shall a man give and return for his life? Great scripture. They're all great. I'm going to put them all in the show notes for you. Once again, if you want the show notes, all you got to do is text, my name, Jeff Kavens, all one word, and you can text it to three, three, three, three, 3-777. 3-3-7-7. Let me pray for you. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Lord, I thank you today for giving us life. I thank you today, Lord, that we're known by you. And this is the most important thing in life. We lift up to you, my friend, right now,

and I ask you, Lord, to help them to declutter the relationships in their life, not to do away with relationships, but to zero in on what is really important and what is, is inhibiting relationships. I pray, Lord, that we would take a step forward with these seven steps towards health and healing in our relationships. We ask for the assistance of our dear Mother, Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God. Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. All right, my friend,

I love you. I look forward to seeing you next week, and you have just an amazing walk as a disciple. God bless.