The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - 7 Ways to Love Your Wayward Children

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

On today’s show, Jeff talks about how we can love members of our family that may have fallen away from the faith. Whether its siblings, cousins, or even our parents, these seven tips on how to love your wayward children are sure to strengthen your family. Snippet From the Show “Praying that they become Catholic is not enough, Christ is the goal.” Email us with comments or questions at [e-mail] Text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to subscribe and get Jeff’s shownotes delivered straight to your email! Or visit ascensionpress.com/thejeffcavinsshow for full shownotes!

You're listening to the Jeff Kaven Show, episode 170, seven ways to love your wayward children. Hey, I'm Jeff Kavans. How do you simplify your life? How do you study the Bible? All the way from motorcycle trips to raising kids, we're going to talk about the faith and life in general. It's the Jeff Kaven show. Jeff, my son thinks he's a girl, and I don't know what to say to him. Jeff, my daughter in Colorado, is smoking dope and says that the Bible doesn't condemn it. Jeff, my youngest, has a statue of Buddha on the dashboard of the car, and I don't know what to do. So let's talk about it, seven ways to love your wayward children.

I want to welcome you again to the show today, joining me. the log cabin deep in the woods of Minnesota. It's right. And today, today there's a pair of swans on the lake. And that is unusual. It's very unusual because there's two herrings on the lake as well, around the edge of the lake there. So it's a beautiful, beautiful day. At least in nature, it's good. I know there's a lot of turmoil going on in the world. And wow, in the Twin Cities right now, They are really going through it, and with the uprising and riots and so forth. By the way, you might want to look up on Ascension Presents. I did a show, a very special show last week, on racism with Father Josh Johnson.

You can look that up. That was show 169 for the Jeff Kaven show, and that might be of some help to you. Today we're going to talk about seven ways to love your way, children. And boy, you know, there's so many things connected to this. Oh, by the way, before we get into it, if you want the show notes, all you got to do is text my name, Jeff Kavens. That's one word. Jeff Kavins at 3377. It's about as biblical as you can get. 3377. Well, boy, you know, I know of so many people who are going through difficult times because their children, you know, while they are, you know, really good and faithful Catholics, their children are not demonstrating that. Their children are walking a

different path right now. And they'll tell you it's embarrassing. They'll say, I'm embarrassed, you know, with what my kids are doing or I'm, you know, filled with shame when I, when I see what my kids are doing, and a lot of people are really clueless. They don't know what to do. And in some cases, even people have felt that the church has let them down. The church has let them down because they're evangelical friends. They're friends who go to an independent, charismatic church. Well, their kids seem to be excited about the Lord because there were things that they could get involved in at their church. and you feel that maybe the church has let you down. You didn't have that youth group that really picked them up and taught them. And maybe you're even dealing with as deep down as this topic.

Maybe you're wondering, you know, what do you do when the truth doesn't work? When the truth doesn't work, or at least it doesn't appear to work. Well, we want to talk about that. You know that that the big topics usually are, you know, I'm disappointed in my child because of sexual behavior. I'm really upset with my child due to substance abuse, or they have left the faith, or they have joined some other kind of, you know, New Age religion or whatever it might be. And, you know, and oftentimes, before we get into this seven ways to love your wayward children. One of the things that we sometimes do, which is actually counterproductive to what we're trying to accomplish here with our children, is that we make brash promises to

ourselves like, well, you know, when they want to serve God, they know where I'm at, right? And that really goes a long way. Or we'll say, well, they know the truth. You know, it's their life. They're the ones that have to stand before God and we just kind of, you know, stomp our feet and clap our hands and knock the dust from us and say they're on their own. Or, you know, in some cases, what we'll see here is maybe, maybe you have cut them off, right? Maybe you have cut them off and they know it and they feel it. And it is actually guiding them right now. And they're looking for relationships where they are not cut off? Well, before we look at these seven ways to love your wayward children, I got a little surprise for you, and that is that it's not just seven. I'm going to

give you seven attitudes and seven actions when we are dealing with wayward children. Maybe they're teens. Maybe they have grown up. But before we look at the seven correct attitudes, towards our wayward children. I think it's important to say, don't treat them differently than others who struggle with things dealing with sexuality or addictions or an interest in other faiths, even non-Christian faiths. Don't treat them differently than others in terms of patience and love and kindness and mercy and so forth. So the first thing that we have to look at for sure is our attitude about our children who are wayward. I'm going to give you seven things, seven correct attitudes or corrections towards our, you know, towards our attitude that I think might be,

might be helpful. And by the way, the problem that we're talking about here of children going wayward, this isn't just you. No, it's not just you. And it's not just you and your close group of friends, there's a lot of people, national speakers and writers in the Catholic Church who struggle because one or more of their children are not walking with the Lord and certainly are not in step with the church. So you're not alone, and I want you to know that. You are not alone. So the correct attitudes, number one, the problem isn't that they are living the wrong way. That's not the problem. But so often we put our finger on that, don't we? They're living the wrong way. They're doing the wrong thing. They're believing the wrong thing. They're going to the wrong

places. But the problem isn't that they are living the wrong way. The problem is that they don't see Christ and are not serving him. You see, it all gets back to Jesus. They don't know Jesus. And we oftentimes miss the real problem. You know, it's like saying, that son of mine is a terrible driver and an embarrassment. And the neighbors even come over to your lawn in the front yard and they say, you know, when is that kid of yours going to learn to stay in the middle of the lane when driving? Well, the problem isn't his driving. His problem is he's drunk. He has a drinking problem. And so you see that when we expect our children to live the right way and there's an underlying problem in their life, that's what we have to recognize. So the problem isn't that

they're living the wrong way. The problem is their relationship with the Lord. And as parents, that's something that we want to continually address, and we want to address it in our attitude towards them. So you see, the partying, for example, is not the problem. The hunger of the heart. That's the problem. Do you remember that story in the Bible was Zechia? Zechias was a wee little man, a wee little man was he, remember that? Well, that's an amazing story because Zekees was in Jericho and he was a tax collector. And I'm pretty safe in betting that most of the people in town did not like him at all and felt like he ripped him off. He owed them. He's a cheat. He's slime, you know. And then Jesus comes to Jericho. And I'm imagining, you know,

that the church leadership wants to have dinner with Jesus, and some of the people who have given to the gold level with the local effort, they want to meet with Jesus. But Jesus ends up saying to Zechias, come down from that tree, I'm going to have dinner at your house. And so when Zekees has dinner at Jesus' house, everything changes for him. You see, the problem for Zekees wasn't his handling of public taxes. His problem wasn't that he was stealing from people. I mean, people would have said that's definitely a problem, but the heart of us problem was his relationship with God, his relationship with Jesus. And once Jesus had dinner with him, guess what? Everything changed. Everything changed. And so we could have walked around Jericho complaining

about this Zachias character and this guy didn't fly right and he cheats and he steals and he's he's less than a maggot right but those were not the problems the problem was his relationship with god and so number one the problem isn't that they're living the wrong way the problem is their relationship with god number two in terms of attitudes your hope is that your son or daughter would fall in love with jesus that's what you're hoping you say I really want them to fall in love with God. I want them to know Jesus. I want them to know with the Blessed Mother.

I want them to know the saints. Well, they don't see Jesus clearly, and that's the problem, is that they don't see Jesus clearly, and you need to look like Jesus, and you need to, as a parent, act like Jesus. You see, the only way that that wayward son or daughter of yours is going to get a good glimpse of Jesus, most likely is going to be someone, you know, within their own tribe or age that is walking with Christ

or you, you. And so your hope is that they would fall in love with Jesus, but the problem is they don't see Jesus clearly unless they see Jesus in you. And that means that that has an impact on how we speak to them, the tone we speak, and the looks we give them. And we'll talk a little bit more about that, but it affects, you know, our whole relationship with our children. That it, that what they, what they don't need to hear and see is your anger and your, you know, disappointment, but they need to see Jesus. They need to see Jesus. Do you think of Jesus came on the scene in the midst of your son or your daughter's problem? Do you think he'd be sulking and giving them dirty looks and little jabs verbally? No, that's not his style, is it? Number three, in terms of the correct

attitude, and I'll put all this in the show notes for you, I'll give you all these show note items. The third one is, don't expect them to be like Christ. They are not in Christ yet. They are not fully in Christ, and so our expectations need to change a little bit, our attitudes need to change. Don't just automatically expect them to be like Christ. You know, they are not in Christ. Your frustration with your wayward child would be similar to this. Let's say you were very frustrated that your son or your daughter is not behaving like a doctor. After all, you're a doctor. And they certainly have picked up on some of the conversations throughout the years, right? About medicine and treatment and the joy of helping people.

Well, you cannot expect your son or your daughter to be in love with medicine when they have not been in medical school. They haven't been in medical school. And you can't expect them to be like Christ if they are not in Christ yet. Now, I know we want to get to that, right? We want to get to that, but we have to watch our attitudes as well. Number four is a really important one, and I've seen this one, and I've done this, by the way. I fall and pray to some of these things in my own life. Number four, moralizing does not work. Moralizing does not work. How many of us have said things to our kids like, don't you think that your lifestyle is going to land you in jail? Well, what are they supposed to say? Yes. No. We don't want to moralize or to try to guilt them

into a relationship with God. You know, if your sister acted like you, she would never have been successful in sales. Well, that's going to go a long way to build that bridge, isn't it, with your child? Or we put you through Catholic school to the tune of 15K a year, and this is how you're going to act? Moralizing. Would the blessed mother dress like you on Instagram? Well, if that statement wouldn't get a wayward daughter to fly right, huh? No, we don't want to moralize. That is not going to get us anywhere. Don't play moral ping pong with them. You know, your son says, I found out that my roommate at college is gay. And you come back, that's unfortunate.

Well, there's not much room there, is there for conversation after that? Daughter, I've been reading about Buddhism and there are some things I really like in it. Parent, Buddha is a false God. Don't talk about that with me. Son, the Bible doesn't say anything about not smoking pot. Parent, Paul's smoking a big fat, duby. I don't think so. Okay?

So moralizing doesn't work. Number five, looks and remarks of disappointment don't work as well. They just simply don't work. Remember that your son or daughter are not waiting to hear you condemn their actions or beliefs. They are watching how you respond to sin and they're watching how much you love them despite the apparent differences. They know what you believe. What they're watching is how you deal with someone who opposes you or is struggling. Winning the argument is not the point.

Transformation is the point. And particularly young people hear condemning remarks as not independent of themselves, but they take them personally as your conclusion of their value. And number six, I'll change when they change. I'll change when they change. Well, as long as they are drinking, and maybe you've said this,

as long as they're drinking or doing drugs, they are not welcome in this house. Now, think about that statement for a moment. Think about how absurd that statement is when you really look at it. As long as they are drinking or doing drugs, they are not welcome in this house. Now, I'm not saying that they have to come,

and lay on the couch and get high and bring their friends over and that. But the basic premise, think about that statement you're saying, as long as sin has a fast hold on them, I'm not going to be welcoming. You are saying, I'll change when they change. Yet you are the one who is in Christ. I'll change when the drug addict changes. I'll change when the drug addict changes. I'll change with the wayward son changes. This is all backward. Now, again, I'm not saying that there aren't times where you have to use prudence and you have to make decisions about people coming into the home and staying in the home. That's another podcast. But generally speaking, the attitude of all change when they change doesn't work. And number seven, it's not about you. The change in your son or daughter

is not about you. You do not know, you do know, rather, that your behavior reflects. poorly, you know, imagine, imagine this. And I've heard this one before. When parents are embarrassed about the actions of their children, the behavior of their sons and daughters, they'll say something to their sons and daughters to this effect, you do know, don't you, fill in the blank, that your behavior reflects poorly on your mother and me, as if this was all about you. And it may be this one. Do you know how hard I worked to send you to college yet? You smoked and drank it all up. Now, if you want your son or daughter to come to know the love of God, then they need to see Jesus. You need to die to yourself and point them to the love of God,

like a laser, like a laser on your son or daughter. You need to put your ego aside and love them. you wouldn't have that attitude towards someone with the same struggles that was outside of your family are you going to have your feelings hurt pride bruised your reputation tainted maybe but what is more important your reputation or their eternal life when i come back i got seven actions now that correspond with this that i think are going to help you in in your relationship with your wayward son, your wayward daughter. You're listening to the Jeff Kaven Show. Hi, we're Jackie and Bobby Angel with Ascension Presents,

and we wrote a book. Yay! It's on discernment, which is figuring out the will of God in your life, which can be an exciting and yet exhausting endeavor. It's called Pray Decide and Don't Worry, Five Steps to Discerning God's Will. And we wrote it with Father Mike Schmidt from Ascentral. can present. You might know him. You may know that guy. The book is concise, but there's lots of wisdom for any person that

really wants to do God's will and it's a journey trying to figure out what God wants for your life. And so there's a lot of wisdom from things we've learned along the way. There's testimonies and parts of our stories to help you out. Really like this is a book I wish I had as a young adult. Like this would have helped me a lot in my twenties. Discernment is a question we get asked all the time. Where is God calling me? What am I called? the levocation I call to. How do I know if I was supposed to take this job? How do I know this? So we wrote this book to help you along the way to give five steps to discern whatever decision you're making and hopefully to give that peace and that joy that will come from making that decision.

And the main goal is to help you grow closer to God along the way. So maybe not you. Maybe someone in your life is wrestling with a really tough decision and you want to give them some kind of resource for encouragement. it's more if you've got a big decision period yeah so go get your copy of prey decide and don't worry go buy one for a friend buy one for someone who's not your friends love your enemies buy them this book go to ascentionpress.com and get your copy today and welcome back the two swans are still on the lake and the herons are gone so still a beautiful day but we're talking about more importantly, seven ways to love your wayward children, and we've gone through seven

attitudes. Let's go through seven actions now. Number one, if you are interested in your sons and daughters meeting Jesus and coming back to the faith, number one, pray, pray. I know what you're thinking right now. I know that was on the list. Been there, done that. Didn't work. Yes, it does. It does. And it's not a one-time thing. It's not something where we just pray, you know. here and there, but we storm heaven and we pray. We pray extemporaneously. We pray beautiful prayers of the church. We pray in mass. We pray the rosary, divine mercy chaplet. There's a lot of things that we can do to pray. And I would encourage you to remember St. Monica, the mother of St. Augustine. And she prayed for her son for many, many years. And he returned. You see, when you pray in the

name of Jesus, you are praying in agreement with the will of Jesus. You are praying as though he's praying, and he's giving you that opportunity. Why? Sometimes I wonder. I wonder why. He gave us the ability to pray in his name, but he did. And so grab that opportunity, pray in the name of Jesus for your son or daughter to return. Pray for laborers in the vineyard to meet your son at work. to meet your daughter, you know, at that club she belongs to, or whatever it might be, that they might have an influence on her life or his life. You see, your disappointment and your frustration can manifest in unhelpful remarks, or even walking away, or you can funnel all that into prayer.

Pray for them to meet Jesus and yield their life to him. not pray that they will simply be Catholic. Boy, Jeff, did you say that? Yes, I did. And I mean it. Don't pray that they would simply be Catholic. Because ask yourself the question when you look around the world and many, many people who are Catholic in the United States today, is that? Is that what you want them to become? You see, Catholic is not enough in name. Don't get me wrong. Don't write this letter to your local pastor, Catholic is not enough. Christ is the goal. We belong to this one Catholic church. We do. And there's riches in this Catholic church and beautiful things. But Christ is the goal for everybody in the Catholic Church. Another thing in the area of prayer, listen to this,

find saints who are patron saints of your child's waywardness. Is your child an alcohol Follick, find a saint who struggled. What about mental illness? Find a saint who struggled. You say, well, how do I do that? Go to Saint Google and search it. It's funny how often people say, well, how do I do that when in every other area of their life, they will go and search on Google. But when it comes to the faith, it's something different. Search it. Find out. Who are the patron saints of of depression and sick them on your son and ask them to pray for your son. Okay, so that's number one as far as actions go. Pray. Number two. And this is really important. Stay in relationship with your child. Stay in relationship with your child. Avoid language and actions that break the

relationship. If you do that one more time, I'm telling you, I'll have nothing to do with you after that. If I see you one more time doing so-and-so, you can count me out of the picture. Avoid the language and actions that sever the relationship. Think about it for a minute. Jesus didn't reject Judas, did he? He didn't reject St. Peter. Both of them denied him. so don't display an attitude that pushes them away but exhibit behavior and language that is the opposite i'm so happy to hear from you it's good to hear your voice thank you for stopping by email them text them speak well of them be proud of them and what you can be proud of but stay in relationship with your child.

There's enough in the world that can separate you from your children. You don't need to be one of them. You don't need to be the one that does the separating. Stay in relationship with your child. Remain faithful as a father, as a mother, as God has been with you. Number three, point them to Christ. Point those wayward children to Christ. You see, your language and your actions,

are the canvas on which they will get the best look at Jesus. Remember everything you say and do, pointing them to Christ. And you don't have to sermonize and you don't have to moralize and you don't have to give them a three-point teaching. But your actions and your joy and your acceptance of them, not the behavior, not what they're doing, but them and the value that they have, the dignity. that they have as someone who's created in the image and likeness of God, you can embrace that, and they know it. You see, the way that you treat their mother or father will say something about your love for family members.

So even the way you treat your spouse says something. And this is also true when it comes to your comments and your attitudes about their siblings. You've got to be careful about what you say about their siblings, because if you're going to speak in a very negative way about their siblings, well, guess what they're going to wonder about, they're going to wonder if you speak that way about them. Speak well about their siblings. So point them to Christ, right? Point them to Christ. And number three, number three, well, that is number three, isn't it? Pray is number one. Stay in religion. relationship is number two, number three, point them to Christ, number four is run to your wayward

child. Run to your wayward child. Remember the prodigal son? There's a, there's a, and when I say run to your wayward child, let me qualify that, okay? Now, Luke chapter 15 is the great story of the prodigal son, and it says in verse 20, and he arose and came to his father. So, The prodigal son, the son who took his father's the inheritance and all that and spent it on loose living, well, he finally came to his senses. Yay. It took a while, but he came to his senses. And by the way, I believe your son can too. I believe your daughter can too. He arose and went to his father, but while he was yet at a distance, see, there was a distance there. His father saw him and had compassion. and ran and embraced him and kissed him. You know what I gleaned from that? There's a couple of words there that really, really sink deep. But while, you see, his son repented, he came to his senses.

He's turned the corner. He's coming back home, but he's not home yet. But it looks like he's coming home. And while he was yet at a distance, he's not even home. yet. But he's on his way. His father recognized it. And your son or your daughter, when they begin to make that turn or they show signs of interest, they show some inclination towards Christ, that's not the time to say to them, well, it's about time, right? No. When we see them at a distance. Run. Run to them. I know that the father ran to his son when his son had already

repented and began to return, but I do think, and get this, I do think that parents should always carry a spare pair of running shoes in their heart. Just do it. When you see them turning the corner, open up, run to them, love them. open arms. Are you the kind of Christian that someone would want to run back to? Put that on a three by five card and put it up on the mirror in the bathroom. Am I the kind of father that some child would want to run back to? Wow. And number five, keep your home open to them. Keep your home open to them. How can I welcome my wayward son into my house. Well, through the front door. Your home is the school of love.

They'll never shut the door completely on your children. Cherish their visits. Focus your attention on them. When they do come over, put your hobby down and engage. Engage them in conversation. What's happening in your life? What are you doing? Show me. That's great. And say, I love. I love. I you. Every time my girls come over before they leave, I make sure that I say to them, I love you. I love you. Last two, number six, and it sounds like a funny one, but it's really true, respect their friends. Respect their friends. You don't have to like the actions or the lifestyle of their friends, but they like their friends. You do have to show respect. And this is one of those things that a lot of parents don't realize is that the more I I moan and complain about their

friends, the more it turns them away because they are attached to their friends. And they might even say that they, you know, it's their best friend. Their best friend understands them better than than anybody. And yet you just called their best friend a derogatory name, gave them a dirty look, whatever it might be. So respect their friends, not what they're doing, but certainly avoid the negative comments. And number seven, when we're talking about seven ways to love your wayward children take an interest in their passion, show respect for them, dignity. You know, there's a scripture, it says in proverbs 226, take, it says, train up a child. I love this. Train up a child in the way they should go.

When they grow old, they will not depart from it. I've noticed about all three of my daughters, and maybe you've noticed about your children, that they started to show a particular interest when they were teenagers. They were interested in singing. They were interested in sports, politics, music, whatever it might be. And when we see Proverbs 226, and I'll put it in the show notes for you, when we see that it says train up a child in the way they should go, when they grow old, they will not depart from it.

We oftentimes interpret that as train them up in the way that I think they should go, and then when they grow old, they will not depart. But in Hebrew, it really doesn't mean that. It means train up a child in the way they're going. In other words, you're recognizing that God has created some individual here who's unique and unrepeatable, and they have gifts. And it's your job as mom and dad to notice that and to nurture them. them and take an interest in their passion and what take an interest in who god created here all three

of my daughters are different same home same parents different passions one of the things you can do to to bridge the conversation with your children is to embrace and take an interest in their passion if it's movies if it's music if it's politics if it is art whatever it is learn about it, dialogue with them, and cut the critique. I've just found in my life that it doesn't help. It doesn't help. So these are seven attitudes and seven actions. The bottom line to the whole thing, it really comes back to my first point,

and that is that the problem with our wayward children is not what they're doing. it's their relationship with God. And we can open that door for them to see Jesus in our lives. We can pray for them and ask heaven to storm their lives and bring that change about that we know as we desire as parents. But some of the battle is avoiding problems with our own attitude and actions. And part of the battle is doing. things, loving them, our attitude, and it goes a long way. I love what it says at the end of the

Old Testament in the last book, Malachi chapter 4 and verse 6. It says, and this is before the Messiah comes, says, and he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the land with a curse. I think it's beautiful. The first part the first part of that verse, he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children. You know what my prayer for you is today, my friend, is that God will turn your heart to your child. Maybe you've grown a bit hardened. Maybe you are disillusioned. Maybe you are disappointed in the church. Maybe you are become disinterested and you've thrown up your arms and said,

K sarah, sarah, whatever. I pray that God will turn your heart to your child. Even though they're 34 years old, 36 years old, 23 years old, 19 years old, God will turn your heart towards them and give you a father's heart, a mother's heart, towards your child. You see, and I'm going to leave you with this, part of the ingredients of a wayward child returning,

is the heart of their parents. Show compassion. Demonstrate tenderness. Exhibit understanding. Display mercy. Listen more than you talk. Assure them that you love them and remind them that God loves them and has a wonderful plan for their life. The simple gospel has power in it. The simple gospel is more powerful than the dirtiest look and the most upset comments. It's the simple gospel. I want to remind you to continue to pray for them and, again, pick out some saints that struggled with what your kids are struggling with and ask them to intercede for your children. in the midst still of this pandemic and in the instance of George Floyd and the man who was

murdered by a police officer in Minneapolis, there's a lot going on in the world right now. But I do know this. There's a famous saying, and that is that a parent is as happy as their saddest child, and that might be where you're at. And I encourage you to cut through all that's happening in the world right now and turn your heart towards your child and pray. Let me pray for you. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. Lord, I thank you for my friend. And I thank you, Lord, for the concern that they have for their children who are not walking in faith and are wayward. I thank you, Lord, that there's always

hope and that you can cut through the most hardened heart you can make. You can make a new springtime out of this difficult situation that my friend listening is going through. We offer all this up in your name and pray for miracles to take place with our children. We pray, Lord, that our children's hearts would open up and that they would be attracted to you, Lord. Help us to demonstrate you. Help us in our marriages to be the stages on which your faithfulness is demonstrated. We ask also for the intercession of our dear mother, Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of

thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. My friends, there's beauty in the world. The swans are still on the lake. God is on the throne, and I have hope for your wayward children. You have a great week. Pray for me. I'll pray for you. Remember, I do love you. We'll talk to you later.