The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - A Plan for Those Who Are Engaged

Episode Date: July 30, 2021

Do you and your fiance have a plan for your engagement? Today, Jeff shares some advice for engaged couples preparing for marriage, drawing from his own experience with his wife Emily. Snippet from the Show “The Bible is key to engaged couples, because it’s in salvation history that you will learn about the heart of your heavenly Father, and his plan for your life.” Email us with comments or questions at [e-mail]. Text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to subscribe and get Jeff’s shownotes delivered straight to your email! Or visit ascensionpress.com/thejeffcavinsshow for full shownotes!

You're listening to The Jeff Kavan Show, episode 2.30, a plan for those who are engaged. Hey, I'm Jeff Kavans. How do you simplify your life? How do you study the Bible? All the way from motorcycle trips to raising kids, we're going to talk about the faith and life in general. It's the Jeff Kaven show. Thank you for joining me once again. I am coming to you. this week from the shores of Lake Superior in northern Minnesota, between Grand Moray and Duluth, and it is absolutely beautiful. Lake Superior, one of the great lakes. In fact, it is the lake that the Edmund Fitzgerald went down in in November, the Gales of November. Maybe you remember that

great song. Well, it's beautiful just to sit out here, and literally I'm looking over the lake right now, and our families have come together up here and we're renting a cabin. And so we're not deep in the woods. We're actually on the edge of the woods and looking over the water. Hey, I wanted to talk to you this week about something that I guess the northern shores of Lake Superior remind me of. And that's when I was engaged with Emily. And if you know of anybody who is engaged or you are engaged, I want to give you some tips or a plan. for your engagement. Talk a little bit about what the Bible has to say about it and this whole

issue of love. Hey, by the way, if you do want the show notes for any of my shows, all you've got to do is text my name, Jeff Kaven's, one word, and texted to 33777. That's 3377. Well, you know, it just seems like yesterday that Emily and I were engaged, and I can remember it so well. We were engaged at 19 and 18. We were very, very young. We met at 18 and 17, and then we were engaged at 19 and 18. And I remember that like it was yesterday. And now here I am 43 years later. And I am so grateful and very happy that God gave me such a wonderful gift. And that is Emily. So let's talk a little bit about this period of life called engagement. It's actually very similar to our relationship with the Lord. When you look at the process of a man and a woman coming together and then becoming more

serious and engaged and then finally full communion, they actually are married, it is very similar to the process of becoming a Christian and coming into full communion with Jesus. You start off with that dating stage where maybe somebody tells you about Jesus, say you overhear them, or you read a book or you listen to some kind of podcast about someone's relationship with the Lord, and it peaks your interest. And you say, wow, I'm interested in Jesus. I want to know more about Jesus. He fascinates me. There's something that is attracting me to Jesus. Well, that happens between a man and a woman, doesn't it? where we meet someone and, wow, something happens inside of us and we become attracted. And so you go through this dating stage. But then that dating stage moves into a more serious period called engagement, where you're engaged. And when it comes to your relationship with the Lord, this would be going from dating, and that is you're interested in the Lord and you're reading some books and things, but now you've made a decision that you want to be serious and you enter what's

called the R-C-I-A, and that's the right of initiation for adults. And so that's the catacuminant. So that is very, very similar to engagement, engagement between a couple and someone becoming more serious about the Lord and entering the R-C-I-A program. Now, both the couple and the person who is pursuing Christ are going to enter into full communion, and that is a marriage between a man and a woman. It's a sacrament. It's different than a contract. It's different than a social understanding. It's different than some kind of union made up by society. It is a sacrament. And God is the one who invented this wonderful thing called marriage. You can see that clear back in Genesis, the early chapters of Genesis.

And when it comes to your relationship with the Lord, you go from the RCIA program, you are in the catechuminant, and you then go into full communion with the Lord on the Easter Vigil, where you receive the three sacraments of initiation. You are baptized, and you receive the Holy Spirit, that's confirmation, and you receive the Eucharist. You see, those three are the... the sacraments of initiation and you are fully one now and that's what happens with a married couple after dating they go into engagement then they end up becoming married they are one flesh and uh it is an amazing relationship but you know what's interesting about this is that when you look at the

bible and and how people were married in biblical times particularly in genesis you see that love comes after marriage. Now, in our society today, we meet someone, we're attracted physically, emotionally, maybe mentally, were attracted to them, and then we make up our mind that we want to marry them. But in the biblical days, oftentimes you really didn't know who you were going to marry, and it was arranged. And we see something in Genesis 24 with Isaac and Rebecca that actually became the model in Jewish weddings. And that was that Isaac brought her Rebecca into the tent and took Rebecca and she became his wife and he loved her. Isn't that beautiful? He loved her after he took her as his wife. Now that's very different than the modern notion of love and

marriage where you love someone and then you get married. In the Bible, we have this pattern of you get married and you love the one that you marry. And that's the pattern that I like so much, is that if you get married simply because you have these wonderful feelings for one another, well, that could very well change in the future. But if you are married with a foundation that I'm going to love you, actively love you, a verb after we get married, then you have a more solid foundation. Maybe you remember that great movie in the play Fiddler on the roof. Remember that? You had Tevia and Golda and they've got their daughters and their daughters are falling in love with these Russian soldiers and the two of them come together in that famous song, Do You Love Me?

And Tevia says to Golda, I have decided to give Perchik permission to become engaged to our daughter, Hoddle, Golda. What? He's poor. He's poor. He has nothing, absolutely nothing. Tevia, he's a good man, Golda. I like him. And what's more important, Hoddle likes him. Hoddle loves him. So what can we do? It's a new world, a new world. Love. Golda, do you love me? Golda, do I what? Tevia, do you love me? Do I love you with our daughters getting married and there's trouble in the town? You're upset. You're worn out. Go inside. Go lay down. Maybe it's maybe it's indigestion. Tevia, Golda, I'm asking you a question. Do you love me? Golda, you're a fool. I know, says Tevia, but do you love me? Golda, do I love you? For 25 years,

I've washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milk the cow. After 25 years, why talk about love right now? Tevia, Golda, the first time I met you was on our wedding day. I was scared, Golda, I was shy. Tevia. I was nervous, Golda. So was I. Tevia. But my father and my mother said, we learned to love each other. And now I'm asking, Golda, do you love me? Golda, I'm your wife. Tevia, I know, but do you love me? Golda, do I love him? For 25 years, I've lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. 25 years my bet is his if that's not love what is then you love me golda i suppose i do tevia and i suppose i love you too and both of them saying together it doesn't change a thing but even so after 25 years it's nice to know i love that part of fiddler on the roof because it illustrates what i'm

talking about here and that is that that love comes after marriage marriage. And so for those who are engaged, I'm finally getting around to that, for those who are engaged, it is critically important to know that love is something that you actively do after you get married and you work at it. You don't just let it go on automatic pilot and hope that you have the same attraction and the same feelings to one another that you had prior to engagement. You don't want to go about it that way. It's amazing how life changes after you get married. It really is.

So once you get engaged in biblical times, that was really considered married. But then you would consummate the marriage after the ceremony. And that's what we have in our culture as a wedding, where there is a sacrament that takes place. And that's a beautiful thing. Okay, so I want to talk about this period of engagement and give you some pointers, some things to remember during engagement that will help you not only to have a fruitful engagement, but to build a foundation for the future. We're going to talk about that right after this. You're listening to the Jeff Kaven show. We all know, no surprise, we are facing a crisis in marriage and

family life in our world today. But the Holy Spirit, grants the church what she needs when she needs it. And the great gift given to the church today to respond to this crisis without a doubt is St. John Paul II's glorious vision of life and love called the theology of the body. Of course, anyone familiar with this beautiful theological vision knows that this needs to be translated in such a way

that today's engaged couples can receive it, embrace it and live it out in their lives. That's the gift of the joy-filled marriage program. Whether you're familiar with the joy-filled marriage program or you're new to it, you'll be glad to know this program has been updated and given a fresh approach specifically with today's couples in mind. Not only do we unfold this glorious vision for them, but we also give them practical tools to live it in their lives.

Here's what you get with the joy-filled marriage program. Beautifully designed written materials for both leaders and couples and short compelling cinematic videos featuring experts and witness couples that do the heavy lifting for you in addressing some of the more difficult and sensitive issues. 94% of the couples say this program improved their relationship with the church and their understanding of church teaching. And 97% of the couples say this program improved their relationship with the church. with God. What do these statistics tell us? It's not that these couples have heard an authentic

vision of Catholic teaching and rejected it. Rather, the large majority of them simply haven't heard the church's teaching presented to them in a beautiful, compelling, and life-changing way. But when they do, they're open to it. They take it in, and it really changes lives. If that's what you want, the joy-filled marriage program delivers. Welcome back and talking about a plan for those who are engaged. Okay, so I remember when I asked Emily to marry me and she said yes, and that changed the whole relationship at that point. And now, now, there is nobody else in my life other than her, and I'm the only one in her life as we go through this time of preparing. Now, what Emily and I did, once we got engaged, is we set out to

gain wisdom and to read and to listen to those who had been married. You know what's interesting is that when Emily and I got engaged, we literally, this wasn't just sort of a thought we had. We literally said to one another that we are getting engaged for the purpose of serving God together on earth. We literally said that to each other at the engagement period. And I think that that is a very important thing to establish between you and your fiancee, is that you are getting together and becoming husband and wife for the purposes of God. So that your marriage will be a stage on which God can demonstrate his faithfulness. And also it's a stage on which you can share in the divine life of God as you love one another. And you can learn more about

the love between Jesus and his church. I think that the more you secularize, I should say, marriage into some kind of social contract, the further away from the initial meaning you get. And it is the initial meaning of a sacrament between a husband and wife, between a man and a woman, that is what is going to become the glue to hold you together for years to come. Now, the number one thing during the engagement period is to live a consecrated life, a pure life, the way you handle your body, the words that you speak, no compromise. And as you know, if you're engaged, or you were engaged, that it's easy to justify actions during the time of engagement. But listen, during engagement you are building trust you are building an integrated life together you're learning

that you can trust each other you're learning that that the other person has a foundation which is going to contribute to your life and your foundation is going to contribute to her life or his life and together you are going to build a foundation on which you know that you can trust. Now the Bible, God's plan, salvation history, in this plan, he reveals his heart and his plan and his divine plan, the household plan of the father. And during the engagement period, you are seeing the heart and the plan of your future spouse. And this should be in union with God's heart and God's plan. I'm very, very thankful. I'm very thankful. that during my engagement period to Emily, we did live a chaste life. We did not overstep boundaries.

And I can tell you right now that that added to a strong foundation for all of these years. Now, when it comes to some things that you can do during engagement, there are some that I want to suggest to you. Number one is, and I have counseled couples for years. And remember, I was a pastor for 12 years and I married a lot of people prior to coming back to the Catholic Church. And one of the things I would say to couples is that you right now, before you get married, are in Olympic condition. What do I mean by that? you are fit you are showing the best that you have you have been trying to attract that other person you are developing relationships with your future in-laws basically for a lot of people it's as good as you get and typically after you get married people have a tendency to relax when they were

engaged no they didn't lay their underwear around the house they they didn't make a mess out of the bathroom when they had their fiancé come over. But after they get married, everything changes. And so it's really important during the engagement period to realize that and to develop habits. I call this when it comes to the life of a disciple creating a shape to your day because the shape of your day reflects the love of your life. And this is important during the engagement period. The shape of your day reflects the love of your life. If you're in love with Jesus, then the shape of your day reflects it. If you're in love with that guy, if you're in love with that girl and you're engaged, then the shape of your day should reflect that. And during the

engagement period, you are learning to live together. It's kind of like, you know, working out and and preparing for the main event that's coming up. You are starting to talk about it and you're starting to change the shape of your day together. And that is such a beautiful thing. And so I really recommend to people who are engaged to pay attention to the shape of their day, that if they want to start the day off in prayer, in Bible reading, for example, try to get together and make that a habit. It is much harder to create habits after your marriage, after you're married, than before you are married. And so Emily and I, during our engagement period, there were a number of things that we did. Number one, we prayed every day together. Every morning we got together

and we were able to pray and to seek God. And I cannot over-emphasize this enough. During the engagement period. Establish a prayer life together. Establish a prayer life together. Make it a point to carve out time in the day where you can get together and you can pray. Now, one of the problems is that people don't know how to pray. And when they come together, it's kind of awkward and they're not quite sure what to do. And that's where you can come up with some of the wrote prayers of the church. You can pray the rosary. You can pray the divine mercy chaplet. You can pray, of course, the Lord's Prayer, the Creed, but you get together and you pray. And that builds a foundation. The church teaches that the foundation of prayer is humility. And that is what

you're going to need in marriage is humility. Humility is a proper assessment of who you are in relationship to God and who you are in relationship to your future spouse. So humility is important. Prayer is important. And I'll tell you, I have seen this over and over and over that to the degree a couple prays, you will see the degree of success in their life. And if they start praying and then stop praying, then you're going to see trouble. and so please establish a prayer life before you get married and if you're not sure who's going to do this

who's going to do it you're going to do it is your future spouse going to do it i really encourage men to be leaders in this area and to lead their future bride in prayer act like a man act like a leader act like you care act like you're going to protect that beautiful wife of yours by leading in prayer cover her in prayer not only pray together but separately pray for each other now number two i really encourage uh engaged couples to to establish a routine when it comes to sacred scripture you know that i was you knew i was going to say that the bible is key to engage couples because it is in salvation history, as I mentioned before, that you are going to understand the heart of your heavenly father. And you're going to understand his plan of sheer goodness, which is mentioned in the first

paragraph of the catechism. So what's the deal with that? Well, when a newlywed couple understands the heart of our heavenly father and understands his family plan, when they understand these things, that is going to provide a foundation on which you can trust. And I'm telling you what, in today's day and age, the young people who are getting married these days, they need a foundation on which they can trust because the foundations in society, as I mentioned in an earlier podcast, are crumbling. And Psalm 113 says, if the foundations be destroyed, what will the righteous do? And so I cannot over-emphasize this, and that is you need a foundation of scripture reading,

scripture study, get to know the great adventure, the Bible timeline, understand the story, start investing in your future by reading scripture and praying today. Boy, if there were two things I would tell you to do, I'll make it three. If there were three things I would tell you to do, it would be to pray, to read scripture, and to attend Mass and the sacraments regularly. And that leads me to my third point, and that is during the period of engagement, get into a habit of going to Mass as often as you can.

A lot of couples will even discuss this with one another and say, well, are we just going to go to Mass on Sunday, or are we going to go to Mass maybe two times during the week? some couples will say we're going to go absolutely every single day and that's great that's wonderful but for sure go to mass together during the engagement period every sunday if you can go together if not well you still go but you're not together but here's one of the points i want to bring up during the engagement period make sure that you go to confession at least once a month and and here's the key is that keep track of the condition of your heart during engagement

and how your heart is moving are you starting to notice vices cropping up habits cropping up are your eyes wondering is your mind wandering nip it in the bud during engagement bring these things that you notice and that perhaps are worrying you that got your attention, bring them to confession as a way to build your character and fight vice with virtue. This is really important during the engagement period. And I would even encourage you to keep a small notebook and to write down some of the things that you notice about your heart, both good and some of the things that you have to work on. So that's very important. Those are the big three. You got prayer, scripture, and the sacramental life.

But I would also encourage you during the engagement period to listen to the heart of each other. Listen to the heart of each other, where they're coming from, their fears, their joys, their aspirations, listen to their concerns, and the art of listening during engagement is going to be very important once you are married. I remember, you know, before we got engaged, I was thinking to myself, I was thinking, wow, you know, we're together all the time when we're engaged. And I said to Emily, when we get married, we're going to be able to spend 24-7 together. But you know what? after we got married, we actually spent less time with one another. Less time with one another. And so the times that we were together, it was important to listen, not just talk, not just get my view

across, but listen to the heart of your future spouse. Take the time to get to know their heart as well as your own. And then finally, I would say this. during the engagement period, there's a big mistake that a lot of people have made during the engagement period, and that is this. Listen, they focused more on the planning of the wedding than the spiritual union that was about to take place. In other words, they spent more time on the visible, tangible things than the invisible, intangible realities of their heart condition and their relationship to one another. If couples would spend more time in seeking the Lord for marriage rather than picking out colors and what they're going to have at the reception and where they're

going to go on their honeymoon, I think we would have better, more fruitful marriages. And so from the beginning, make it your point that we're going to focus on what cannot be seen rather than what can be seen. And I think that in 15, 20, 30, 43 years from now, you will be happy that you did that. Now, you only have just a portion of time to do this in. Some people are engaged for three months, two months. Some people are engaged for a year. I personally don't recommend that people be engaged for an excessively long period of time because of temptation, and they know they've already given their heart and said, we're going to get married. So I think that engagement can be a reasonable amount of time. I'm not going to give you a month or anything like that.

But the more important thing is that you use that time to prepare for the union and what is really important, and that is it's a sacrament that reflects God's love for his church. So that's what needs to be prepared for when it comes to engagement. Well, I hope that some of this was a little bit of a help to you. And I do pray for you. If you're engaged right now, I want to lift you up. If you're about to pop the big question and get engaged, I would lift you up as well. Oh, one more thing I want to share with you, and that is this.

Guys, make sure that before you get engaged, ask for the hands. hand of that guy's daughter. I have a whole podcast on that, did that quite a while ago, talking about asking for the hand of the one that you are going to marry. Let me pray with you. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Lord, I lift up my friend to you today, and I ask you, oh God, to bless their life and their new relationship. I pray that during the period of engagement, there will be an emphasis on that which cannot be seen, but will be seen in the future. That is the covenant love that they have for one another and the union that is going to take place, a sacramental bond that reflects your love for the church. Lord, give them strength,

courage, tenacity, to walk in a chaste way, in a holy way. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. I love you, my friend. And I will continue to pray for you today on the shores of Lake Superior. God bless you. Have a good week.