The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - Asking a Father for the Hand of His Daughter

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

Asking a father for the hand of his daughter can be a nerve racking experience. Today, Jeff explains the biblical roots of asking a father for the hand of his daughter, and shares tips to ace this exciting moment in the life of a man. Snippet from the Show When you ask a father for the hand of his daughter, let him know that you will love his daughter the way Christ loves his bride the Church. Email us with comments or questions at [e-mail] Text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to subscribe and get Jeff’s shownotes delivered straight to your email! Or visit ascensionpress.com/thejeffcavinsshow for full shownotes!

You're listening to the Jeff Kaven Show, episode 183, asking a father for the hand of his daughter. Hey, I'm Jeff Kavins. How do you simplify your life? How do you study the Bible? All the way from motorcycle trips to raising kids, we're going to talk about the faith and life in general. It's the Jeff Kaven show. Oh, I remember it so well. just like yesterday, even though it was 43 years ago. I remember it was like it was yesterday asking Andreas Tobler for the hand of his daughter, Emily. And that was quite a day. And I've got to admit that I was nervous, and I wish somebody had kind of coached me on what to say or what to ask

because I went in kind of blind. That's what I want to talk to you about today. Are you thinking about getting married. And this is geared towards men, but it's geared towards women who can teach men something too. And if you have sons, you have daughters, you have grandchildren, it might be some good information just to sit down with them and kind of guide them through this process of asking for the hand of someone else's daughter. We'll get to that. Hey, some of you've been asking about the PDF that I have that tells you how many minutes it takes to read, book of the Bible. And you can go to my website, jeffcavens.com. And when you sign up there, we will send you automatically that PDF. It's really kind of a valuable PDF because I'm an

advocate of exchanging news shows and useless television shows and activities for time in God's Word. And at the time of this recording, yep, we're still in COVID-19. And I'm finding that my time with the Lord in Scripture has been so satisfying and is at an all-time high in terms of just a passion for God's Word. And one of the ways that that passion is kindled is by redeeming the time and making the most of the time and giving up so many things that really don't have consequences and giving my time over to the Word of God. Both Emily and I are doing it, and every morning We spend about an hour in God's Word, reading and meditating on the gospel reading of the day. We really love it.

Well, you can have that PDF. Just go to my website, jeffcavens.com. And if you want the show notes for this show or any of the shows in the future, you can text me, Jeff Kaven's one word, and you can text it to 33777. Okay, so let's talk about it. I remember when I asked for the hand of Emily back in 1977, back in 1977, I knew that I wanted to marry her, but I also knew, and I think it's kind of almost innate, you know, it's built in that you have to talk to her father before you ask her to marry you. Now, truth be known, do you really have to do that? No, but it does show a deep respect, and it shows it shows that you know something.

a little bit deeper than just simply getting married, you are recognizing that there is a transfer of protection and care, leadership from a father to a husband. And there really is. And I got to tell you, I've got three girls and one is married. And that was really a difficult time to go through, even though it was a very joyful time to see my daughter get married, I realized that I was giving something up and I was handing over to Patrick, my son-in-law, handing over to him some responsibility that I, all those years, all those 20-some years, felt that that was my responsibility. And that is really, that's really something to go through. And I remember watching him go up the aisle and how proud I was, knowing that,

this young man was taking on the responsibility that I was, in some ways, relinquishing because she was forming a new family. I do also know that there's a lot of people in the world today that their daughters, their sons are getting married, and they don't have that kind of that kind of certitude, you know, that their daughter is really going to be taken care of. But that is really something very, very, very powerful. Well, anyway, I made my mind up. I wanted to marry. Emily, and we went up to a river up in a little bit towards north, northern Minnesota, a place called Malacca by Lake Malaks, one of the big lakes in Minnesota. And there we were at Emily's grandmother's house, and her father was standing down in the Rum River. Everybody was down there

kind of talking, and we were all waiting around in the river, and then everyone left except for my future father-in-law. He didn't know that at the time, but he was standing there, and I remember walking over to him, and I said, Andy, and he said, yes, and I, I kind of fumbled through it a little bit, and I said, what I'm asking for is I, I love your daughter, Emily, and, and I'd really like to marry her, and I would like your blessing and your permission. And he was so sweet. He's from, he's from Switzerland, and has an incredibly thick Swiss accent, and he looked at me, and he said, I guess, and that was about it, you know, and it was very simple, but it was very meaningful for me to

actually ask permission to marry Emily. You know, in the Bible, when it comes to a son marrying a daughter, you will see a pattern in the Bible, and that is that the family is involved in this. It's not just an individual decision, but oftentimes the father or an uncle is involved in the giving away of a daughter to a husband. For example, in Genesis chapter 24, and I'll put this in the show notes for you, in Genesis 24, verses 12 through 21, and then 61 through 67, we find that Abraham found someone for his son, Isaac, and that was a family situation. His father was a part of that process, which was very important, and it was customary during those times. And even when we see, Jacob, who is the son of Isaac, we see that it was his uncle Laban, who was the one who gave

his daughter, Rachel, to Jacob. And that's in Genesis chapter 29. You might want to read those, both Genesis 24 and Genesis 29 for Isaac and Jacob. But do you have to ask? Do you have to ask for her hand? No, not in the strictest sense, but as I said in the opening, it's shows a tremendous amount of respect. You see, marrying a woman or marrying a husband ideally involves the whole family. So I think it's really good to begin your relationship by approaching the man who has been providing the protection and leading that young woman and providing for that young woman all of these years. Because there's something about her that you're so impressed with. There's something about her that you have fallen in love with,

and oftentimes that flows from the nurturing and loving family that she grew up in. And naturally, her father wants her to find someone like you, somebody that will take care of her and love her and provide for her and protect her. Now, think about a couple of things. Number one, and I'm going to get into seven things to remember. Now, I'm not, think, I'm not saying you got to write all this down and go boom, boom, boom, boom, but you should have some idea of what you want to ask when you ask for the hand of that, of that lady. But one of the things I would encourage you to do is to think about where you are going to ask for her hand, because that might say something about your respect for your future

father-in-law. If he is, if he is an avid fisherman, for example, and you ask, you ask, could we go fishing? And you now enter into that special time of his life and something that he is deeply involved in to ask him a very, very important question. You might think about a church or a place where your future father-in-law asked his bride to marry him. But you can be creative in doing this. And today, you know, boy, people, they are so creative today with coming up with all kinds of ways to ask for the hand of a young lady or where they're going to ask that young lady to marry them. And in some cases, it sounds like it goes a little bit overboard and a little bit of extra money there, but nevertheless, people are making a big deal out of it today. Before I tell

you these seven things that I would think about asking, I want you to first think about this. Put yourself in the father's shoes. The man that you're going to ask for his daughter's hand, put yourself in his shoes just for a moment. Now, I've had the advantage of having three daughters, and I'm in that place. And whoever asks me for the hands of my second and third daughter, Jackie and Tony, I hope that they will put themselves in my shoes and see my daughters the way I see them and love them the way I love them. them and want to see them protected and provided for in the way that I have provided. What would you want in a son-in-law? What would you want in a son-in-law? Put yourself in the father's shoes. What would you want in a son-in-law? What would you want a faithful son-in-law? Would you want a son-in-law who would work hard to provide for the family? A son-in-law who would lead spiritually the family, a son-in-law who would be open to life, would raise kids in the church, put them through a Catholic education. Put yourself in the father's shoes. What is he hoping for? What does he talk

about at night with his wife, about his daughter, and who he hopes she marries? What have they been praying for? Have they been praying for you? Have they been asking God to send some young man who would fit your description into their daughter's life, just put yourself in the father's shoes. I think that's a really important thing to do. I'm going to take a break when I come back. I've got seven things to think about when asking, or seven things you can bring into the conversation when asking for the hand of a young lady. You're listening to the Jeff Kaven show. You know, I have dedicated my life to teaching the Bible and helping people understand the Bible as a narrative in chronological order. Well, this fall, starting Wednesday, mark it down, Wednesday, September 16th at 8 p.m. Eastern, I'll be hosting a live virtual Bible study, eight interactive Facebook live video sessions.

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deeper and to ask your questions. This is going to be a great opportunity. I look forward to seeing you September 16th. So you're going to ask for her hand. What are you going to say? What are you going to remember? What are you going to rehearse? Right? I know you're nervous. Well, I can remember being nervous about asking for Emily's hand. And I know that my son-in-law, Patrick, was nervous about talking to me and he should be. He should be because we're talking about big stakes here. We're talking about the lives of my three daughters. So let me give you seven things to think about. And you know, I got to thinking about this. I said you don't necessarily have to write it down. Maybe you should write some of this down because I've got an idea at the end of the show of what

you can do with these seven things that you might write down and rehearse so that you can cover this when you ask for her hand. I think that, number one, when you are meeting your future father-in-law, hopefully, one thing that would be good to show him that you are a man of God is to let him know, number one, that you have made this decision through prayer. You've brought this to the Lord and you've asked the Lord to lead you and to guide you and to give you a peace that passes all understanding and that spiritually speaking and emotionally, mentally, you're all in. You're connected here. And you are, you're ready. You're ready for this. You have made this a matter of prayer and you have some sense of peace from the Lord that this is indeed the one that you are to marry.

So number one, make this a decision through prayer. And I would suggest even saying that to your prospective father-in-law that is saying to him, sir, I have prayed about this. I have prayed about this. And you might just want to start off because he's going to be a little bit nervous wondering what are you getting around to. And that's why I tell people, start off by telling him, I want to talk to you about your daughter. Now, if he hates you, he'll cut you off immediately. You say, let's talk about baseball or something else. But to let him know, I would like to talk about your daughter. And number one, I have come to some decisions based in prayer. I have prayed about your daughter and I love her. Number two, I would explain to him, and you don't have to do this in a

bookish way or, you know, sound like you're a clinic or something like that. But I think one thing that does impress a good Catholic man, a father, is when a prospective son-in-law understands what a covenant is, that what we're talking about here is not a, just a promise. We're not talking about just common marriage. We're not talking about, you know, some kind of social contract. We're talking about entering into a covenant relationship. And I would say that to him, is that I have been studying about covenants and what a covenant is. And I understand what saying yes to a covenant is. and a covenant goes beyond a contract. It goes beyond simply a promise, but it is an exchange of persons, a giving of yourself completely to somebody else, and swearing an oath, which is a

sacrament. It is a sacrament. It's not just a common law marriage, and it's not just an agreement or a social promise. It is a, it is a sacrament, and a sacrament means that there is a relationship with the Lord, a connection with the Lord, and the Lord is the bond that brings two people together. And so I would say to him that I know that I would be entering into a covenant, a covenant relationship, and then to explain a few of the qualities that you are attracted to in his daughter that would be the reason for wanting to enter into a covenant relationship. no doubt these qualities probably came from the family. They might have come from that man that you're about to talk to.

So number one, let him know that you've made the decision through prayer. Number two, let him know that what you're talking about is a covenant sacramental relationship, and that is what you want in the relationship and what you're saying yes, too. Number three is that let him know, look him in the eye and say, I will be faithful to your daughter and that I will love her as Christ loves the church. Ephesians 525, it'll be in the show notes. In fact, I'll put all seven of these in the show notes for you. You can get them again by texting my name, Jeff Kavins, at 3.3777.

But I think that that is an important thing to say, because you're going to probably say that in your wedding vows, but to let him know one-on-one, just you and him, you're going to remember this the rest of your when you looked that man in the eyes and said, I'll be faithful to your daughter. And I will love your daughter the way Christ loved the church. And how did he do that? He gave up his life, didn't? He died for his church. And then number four, I think that number four and number five are very important for a father to hear from somebody who wants to marry his daughter. Because a father can get worried about his daughters. Who's going to provide for them? Who is going to protect them, right? I remember coming back from Steubenville, Ohio. Emily and I drove Carly out to Stubinville, two-day drive out there

from Minneapolis. And I remember dropping her off and the next hour in the car driving back, my wife and I both, we couldn't even look at each other or talk. We were looking out the front of the window of the car going 65 miles an hour and just tears flowing from our eyes and couldn't, you even talk, because we were driving away from our daughter. And oh, how I wanted to protect her, oh, how I wanted to provide for her, oh, how I wanted to comfort her, that was hard. That was hard. I actually explained that whole story in one of Al Cresta's books about Catholic leaders and the relationships with their family and memorable moments. But number four, let him know I will provide for her. Sounds a little bit like the wedding vows, doesn't it? But you're letting him know ahead

of time, I will provide for her. I'll put her first, and I will provide for her. Number four. And number five is that you will protect her. You'll protect her. You'll put her number one, and you'll make sure that she's protected, that she's protected emotionally, she's protected mentally, she's protected physically, she's protected in every way. You'll shelter her. and give her that love and protection that a bride deserves. So you're going to provide for her. You're going to protect her. And number six, another thing to remember when asking for the hand of another man's daughter

is that you will freely accept children as a gift from God. You're open to have a family. Do you know what that means? Sometimes I run into families where there's only one daughter. daughter. And what do the parents want? Well, parents naturally want grandchildren, don't they? And to hear someone say, I am open to life. Whatever God may bring, I'm open to life and accepting children as a gift from God, and I will raise them in the church. Boy, you know, after somebody come up and talk to me that way, and I go home and talk to my wife, I say, you are not going to believe this guy. He's amazing.

He's amazing. So, that number six, freely accept children. To let him know, I'm going to freely accept children as a gift from God, and I'm going to raise them in the church. And then number seven, here's another one to think about. And it might sound very simple, but I think it's a very important thing, and that is this, thank him for the girl that you have been hoping for all of your life. All of your life, you've been wondering, who will it be? Who will I end up marrying? What kind of family will we have? Well, guess what? You've landed on that, girl now and thank him not only today when you ask him for her hand but thank him at the wedding too thank you have a heart of gratitude and thanksgiving thank him for protecting her and taking care of

her thanking him for everything he has done for her for this is now going to be your wife he deserves some thanks heartfelt meaningful thanks because I'll tell you something, he'll never forget it. In fact, you come to him and you let him know that you've made the decision through prayer. You understand what a covenant, a sacrament is. He's hearing you say that you'll be faithful and you'll provide for her and protect her and you'll freely accept children and you will raise them in the church and thank him. He's never, ever going to forget that day. And I'm telling you what, you're going to get a guy who's going to get back in his car and go back to his wife, and he's going to be one happy dude. He's going to be one happy guy.

I can promise you that. But then, after you have had that talk with him, and listen, you can incorporate some of these things into that talk, I seriously would suggest you write them down. Get the show notes. Just print it out. Write them down. Take it with you if you want to. give him a copy if you want to but after you've done that here's what i here's what i would ask him for and you may never have thought of this before or heard of anybody else but i have and it's biblical ask for his blessing don't ask for his luck don't ask for his out-a-boy don't ask for a high-five ask for his blessing you see there's a big difference between yes and a blessing what do i mean by that Well, brahah in Hebrew, a blessing is very, very meaningful.

When the children of Israel would make one of their three festival pilgrimages to the city of Jerusalem, the final end was the blessing. When the high priest would raise his hands over the people and say, may the Lord bless you and keep you and cause his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and may the Lord lift up his countenance and give you shalom. that's what they came for, was the blessing. So what is a blessing? So often we think it's kind of like, you know, it's good luck, it's hey, add a boy, you know, a thing, but it's not a blessing entails value. A blessing entails protection. A blessing entails favor and increase and to bring down divine

abundance. Mr. So-and-so, can I receive your blessing in marrying your daughter? Can I receive your your belief in me and that the value of that and the protection over our decision and giving us favor and would you help in bringing down divine abundance into our lives I want you to bless me and it could be as simple as putting a hand on your head and saying I bless you oh man is that that means a lot if that had happened to me I would remember that moment so vividly all three of my girls when they were growing up every day. I mean, every day that I was home and they would go to school, I would bless them at the door and put my hand on their head and pray the erronic blessing. May the Lord bless you and keep you. I said it just a moment ago. And they remember that very,

very clearly and it's meant a lot in their lives. The blessing is important. Ask for it. Now, you may consider writing down the seven points and giving your future father-in-law a copy and keep a copy with you, put it in your wallet. Why? Because I'm going to suggest something. What I'm going to suggest is that every anniversary that comes down the road, the first and the fifth and the 11th and the 16th and the 23rd and the 48th and the 53rd and the 60th anniversary, you pull out that piece of paper and you look through that list

and ask yourself, have I kept my word? and if so, continue on. If not, make the correction. Make the correction. But that little list of seven things could be. Could be the thing that keeps you on track in the future because not every day is going to be rosy and not every day is going to be a honeymoon. Life can get tough, especially with children and job situations. And you've got to be committed to what you said. And you've got to be committed to quality and you've got to be committed to virtue. You've got to be committed to heroic, heroic action in your life that so often we forget what we intended to do. And that's why I say, write this down. Put it in your office. Put it on an index card in the bathroom. Make a

copy in your phone. Put a make a copy in your wallet. Let it guide you and direct you. Remember the day that you said to that man, may I marry your daughter? And he says, yes, can I receive your blessing? Listen, if you use this, I want to hear from you. I'd love for you to share the good things that have happened in your life, or maybe your story of asking for your wife, go ahead and write me. My email is The Jeff Kaven Show at ascensionpress.com. Hey, by the way, next June, Father Mike Schmitz and I are going to be going to Israel. We had to postponed last year because of COVID this last June, but we're going to be going next June and start looking for the information on my website, jeffcavens.com. We're going to have all kinds

of incredible singers. It's going to be a great time. And I really hope that things settle down by then so that we can enjoy a pilgrimage and grow in the Lord on the great, great pilgrimage. Father Schmitz and I have done, I don't know, seven, eight, nine different pilgrimages and just have a wonderful time working together. Okay, my friend, let me pray for you. And if you are going to pop the question and ask the question to her father, I would love to know about this. Love for you to share your story. And I do pray for you that God will give you the holy guts to do what is right and be a man, you know, be a man. Now you're saying, well, I'm a woman. I didn't get a lot out of that show. No, yes, you did. You're going to have sons, teach them. Teach your sons when they're coming up on that age where they could start

thinking about asking somebody. Let's pray. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Lord, I thank you today for my wonderful friends. And those that are thinking about getting married or will get married in the next number of years, Lord, I pray for them right now that you would give them clarity of thought. You would give them vision for the future. You would help them to prepare to be the man or the woman of God for the purpose of marriage. I thank you, Lord, for those who are going to be asking coming up and pray that you'll give them courage, you'll give them grace and prudence. I thank you, Lord, for leading them into this wonderful sacrament of marriage.

And it's in the name of Jesus that I pray. Amen. Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. If you know of anybody, pass this show on. to them. Thank you and God bless you and look forward to talking next week.