The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - Girls to Women: Choosing a Wife

Episode Date: February 20, 2026

Far from being a simple checklist, Proverbs 31 reveals a woman shaped by covenantal wisdom—faithful, industrious, generous, strong, dignified, and devout. Jeff walks us through Proverbs 31, explaining its Hebrew background and teaching us how to apply its wisdom to modern discernment in dating and marriage. Email us with comments or questions at [e-mail]. Text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to subscribe and get Jeff’s shownotes delivered straight to your email! Or visit https://media.ascensionpress.com/?s=&page=2&category%5B0%5D=Ascension%20Podcasts&category%5B1%5D=The%20Jeff%20Cavins%20Show for full shownotes!

This podcast is brought to you by Ascension. To discover even more free Catholic podcasts, videos, and resources, to help you live your faith every day, visit ascensionpress.com. Welcome to the Jeff Kaven Show, where we talk about the Bible, discipleship, and evangelization, putting it all together in living as activated disciples. This is episode 470, Girls to Women, Choosing a Wife. Thanks again for joining me. Boy, we just began Lent. And we've Ash Wednesday, just three or four days ago now. So we are in the midst of a battle, a battle for our soul, a battle to become right with God, to deal with the things that are bringing us down and nurture the things that will help us grow. Lots of good response from last week's show boys to men choosing a husband. And in that show, we went into Psalm 12 and just went through it and saw all the characteristics that Psalm 12 gives us

of a good man. And so if you're a young lady and you are looking for a husband, you just might want to print Psalm 112 out. Make some notes, observe, and make the right choice. Be picky. Now today I want to talk about girls to women choosing a wife. And for this show, we're going to be taking a look at Proverbs 31, which I think is going to surprise you. It's really an amazing chapter. So, guys, this is for you to observe women. It's for you to become. And hopefully it'll all work out.

I'm not a matchmaker, but I'll tell you what, if you go by last week's show and today's show, you're ahead of the game. You really are. And if you would like the notes, which I would highly suggest, all you got to do is text my name, Jeff Kavins, one word, Jeff Kavins, to the number, 3-3-777. And I'm even going to give you all of these descriptions of a godly woman in the notes today. All right, let's do it.

If you have your Bible and you're in a place where you can use the Bible, you can turn to Proverbs 31. If not, you've got the show notes when you're done jogging or cooking, whatever you happen to be doing at the moment, you can go back and you can look at the notes. Now, one thing that I so appreciate about the Old Testament is just the creativity in writing. And we find a real creative example in Proverbs 31. It's the last of the Proverbs. You know, years ago, I used to tell people, if you want to get wise, read the Proverbs. And there's 31 chapters.

And so you can take one chapter a day for 31 days in a month, double up if the month is only 30 days. and you will be surprised at how that begins to creep into your soul and you start making good decisions in life. You know, there is a big difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is cheap. You can find knowledge on the Internet. It's all there.

Not all knowledge on the Internet is correct, however. So you have to do some due diligence here and check it out. But here's what's interesting. You've got knowledge and plenty of knowledge, and we read the Bible, we gain knowledge. But the proper application of that knowledge is wisdom. To be wise, to know how to apply godly knowledge. The result, understanding.

You understand. You'll never understand until you apply wisdom, apply knowledge with wisdom. You'll never understand. You just won't. You'll have an idea, but you won't really deeply understand. Well, hopefully we'll make some progress in this area today. So, Proverbs 31. Now, here's the very interesting thing about Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31 uses an unusual literary style called an acrostic. An acrostic is a device that really serves several purposes.

An acrostic helps to memorize scripture. It takes the poem and it makes it easier to remember. And I'll say how in just a moment. It speaks of a total. completeness. And in this case in Proverbs 31, the woman embodies virtue from A to Z. That's right, wisdom. And she is a woman who embodies it in virtue. And then artistry, it displays literary craftsmanship, typical of wisdom poetry. So what I mean by an acrostic is this. When you open up your Bible and you read verses 1 through 9, it gives you an introduction about wisdom. And wisdom is cast in the feminine, a she. And you'll see that, that idea of an acrostic used in other parts of the Bible. But in the first nine verses speaks of wisdom as a woman. And then, starting in verse 10,

and going all the way to verse 31, you have the 22 consonants of the Hebrew alphabet. In other words, each verse begins with the letter in the alphabet, and it goes all the way through the alphabet, starting in verse 10, Olive. That verse starts with an olive, like an A. Verse 11 starts with a bait like our B. Verse 12 starts with a gimel like our C. Verse 13 starts with a Dalit, like D.

And then it goes on. So you have these 22 verses, each verse, proclaims a virtue of a woman. And it starts with the next letter in the alphabet. It's pretty clever, isn't it? And it's not the first time we see this. We saw it in Psalm 119. That's the most elaborate example. And then Psalm 25, 34, 37, 11, 11, 112, and 145. It uses the acrostic method. And then lamentations 1 through 4. So let's look at it, shall we? This is going to be good. This is going to be good. Woman of Valor is portrayed as the full embodiment of wisdom. And it closes the book the way it began with a woman who embodies covenantal wisdom.

That's the way Proverbs starts. It's the way Proverbs ends. All right. So let's look at it. Wisdom revolves around principles. This woman that's mentioned in Proverbs 31 is a woman of principles rather than preferences. I've talked about this over the years many times that our lives as Christian, are not based on preferences like the world, but principles, namely God's principles.

If you build your life on preferences, you are going to be so messed up. But if you build it on his principles, you'll make the right decisions. And you stand a better chance of living a happier, more fruitful life. Okay, Proverbs 3110, a good wife who can find she is far more precious than jewels. The woman you're looking for, my young friend, is a woman. woman who is more precious than jewels. She's more precious than gold and more precious than anything that you can find on this earth that holds some kind of intrinsic value. And that is, number one, is that a woman that you want to marry is far more valuable and precious than jewels.

Verse 11, the heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. See, the woman you want to marry is someone that you can trust with your life. You can trust with your life. Now, unfortunately, in today's society, this is falling apart rapidly at about 50% and or more in some states. But you want a woman that you can trust with your life. She says, I love you. You say, I love her back. And then you say, I will entrust my life to you.

I will. Now ultimately you entrust your life to God, but there is a idea of this in marriage. So verse 12, she does him good and not harm all the days of her life. Two things there. She does him good. She does him good. What are we talking about there? Well, we're not talking about good, just in a good and bad sense, but good in the sense of the eternal good,

that she will look after your eternal good. She's not interested in just being a spouse for this life. She wants her love and actions for you and to God to have everlasting benefit. She does him good and not harm, and she does it all of her life. It doesn't, it's not a honeymoon thing, but it's all of her life. Pretty powerful. Verse 13, she seeks wool and flax and works with willing hands. Now that's an interesting way, kind of a poetic way, of saying that she is willing to contribute.

She sees herself as a covenant partner in this. And she's demonstrating this by doing what? She seeks woolen flax and works with willing hands. Now, stop for just a second. This doesn't mean that a woman just sits home with wool and flax and knits your stockings. That's not what this is talking about. but it means that she's resourceful and she is willing to contribute to this marriage. You know, sometimes they say, well, marriage is 50-50.

I disagree. It's 100-100. Each one needs to be willing to do this. And I can tell you that in my life with my wife, Emily, she is one, two, three, four, four for four so far on this. I'm going to keep score for you. We'll see how she does in the end. verse 14 she is like the ships of the merchant she brings her food from afar she brings her food from afar now this tells me something here now you can as a catholic christian you can

read these verses and ask yourself three questions number one what is the intention of the author here number two how does this relate to jesus number three how does it relate to my conduct Four, how does it relate to the future? And I look at this and I think to myself, she is like the ships of the merchant. She brings her food from afar. And that, to me, speaks of this woman, no matter how far away from the home she may be,

is fruitful, faithful, and brings her food from afar. and that everything she's doing from afar ultimately comes back to her family or as in the Old Testament her tent that she made, that she set up, that she gave birth to children, that she nursed them, fed her family. She sees the whole world as related to her immediate family. By the way, that's Emily. That's five for five. Proverbs 31.15, she rises while it is yet night and provides

food for her household and tasks for her maidens. Isn't that interesting? You know, marriage is not just a nine to five job. It's not just a nine to five covenant. It's around the clock. And I find that some of the most trying times are at night, specifically in the middle of the night. And when you find a woman who's going to love you 24 hours a day, that's a very powerful thing. You know, my mom was like that. I can't tell you the number of times growing up where my mom got up with me at two in the morning when I caught the flu. And there I was kneeling before porcelain and my mother sat there next to me holding my head in the middle of the night. She could have said, well, I'll help you in the morning, son, but at night you're just going to have to throw up by yourself. No, she wasn't like

that she rises while it is yet night provides food for her household that is a that's a powerful thing is 24-7 woman that's emily that's emily by the way if you talk to her it would you let her know i'm telling you about this oh never mind i'll tell her myself but proverbs 31 16 says she considers a field and buys it with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard this is a woman who is fruitful This is a woman who is shrewd. She is shrewd. She has business sense. She can look at something and know whether this is bogus or whether this is something that she should invest in.

And that goes for time and effort. And that's a real valuable thing. If both of you have that attitude, you consider a field and buy it, you know how to invest. You know how to invest your time, your energy, whatever it might be. be your talents. That's important. You know, sometimes people before they get married say, well, what do you want to do with your life? Well, I don't know. I don't know. Well, they might want to think about that because you need to be shrewd. And with the fruit of her hands, she plants a vineyard. She knows how to plant. She knows sewing and reaping. What you sow, you will reap.

that is valuable in a spouse. Okay, so we got now, by the way, that's Emily too. Proverbs 3117, she girds her loins with strength and makes her arms strong. She makes her arm strong. She girds her loins with strength and makes her arm strong. Now, I shared this with a guy one time. There was a men's scoop. And they said, oh, in other words, she's in shape.

Well, I guess you could read it that way. She's in shape. But it speaks about the strength of loins. It speaks about her arms are strong. She can carry. And this doesn't mean that this is what a woman simply does. It's a metaphoric way of saying that she is capable and strong. That's Emily.

Do you know one year, we went to the Minnesota State Fair, the best state fair. it's the greatest state fair. Don't miss it. Don't even be late. And they had the Marines there and they had a booth where you could hang from the pull-up bar in your arms at a 45-degree angle and you had to just hang there as long as you could. She had been carrying Carly after she was born for like three or four months, been carrying her everywhere, it seemed like.

and my wife is only 5 foot to 104 pounds, but her arms were strong. And she started dangling from that chin-up bar with two Marines standing and people standing around, taking pictures and stuff. And she just kept hanging there and hanging there and hanging there. And then two Marines are like, are you tired yet? She goes, no.

And people are going, wow. And they say, you got 10 more seconds, you break the record. You break the record. And right before the 10 seconds, were up. She just let go and they said, oh, you should have gone for it. She goes, oh, I mean, I was that close? She didn't even care. She just didn't care about recognition or anything, but she could have sat there like that all day long. It was amazing. Her arms were strong.

That's why I don't mess with her. Verse 18, she perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She perceives that her merchandise, dice is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. This is a vigilant woman. This is someone who's on watch, someone who is prepared 24-7. Now, when you have a lamp in your home, it's to navigate. It is to see where you're going at a time where you could bump into things. And this woman, her lamp doesn't go out at night. Now, lamps were little oil lamps made of clay with a little wick and you would put the lamp out and you would have to make sure if it wasn't going to go out at night that there would be enough oil in it. Now the oil was made from the olive oil and it wasn't

the virgin olive oil that went to the temple but it was the presses after that that went to the lighting of your home. So this is a woman who she perceives that her merchandise is profitable what she does is profitable. It's not a waste of time. It isn't just for the heck of it, but it's profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. So she makes provision for her family to navigate properly.

That's powerful. That's Emily. Yeah, she bought some little nightlights, and they never go out. Let's continue in a moment. We're going to pick up with verse 19, go to 31. You're listening to The Jeff Kaven Show.

I am Father Colomba, Jordan and Franciscan friar of the renewal living here in Ireland. This Lent, I'm partnering with Ascension to bring you Crux, a set of daily challenges and videos in the Ascension app. Starting Ash Wednesday, we'll take on four challenges each day that remind us of the cross of Christ. One, reading scripture, two, praying the examined prayer. three, doing one workout or exercise and four, and dietary fast of your choice. Nothing extreme. It's about stepping into small daily challenges

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app to get started today. God bless you. I'll see you soon. Welcome back. Verse 19. She puts her hands to the distaff and her hands hold the spindle. This is talking about productivity in the making of clothing and the tent and the fineries of life. And so she is creative and she clothes her family. This is important, by the way, because it's not just clothe or family, but it's the proper clothing. You know a lot of people today don't wear proper clothing? A good woman, a wonderful wife, and a wonderful mother will make sure that her kids are prudent and chaste with what they wear.

And I remember, I got to tell you this, and I would have to get permission for my sister to give you this picture, maybe someday. My parents went to Iowa State, and that's where I was for the first five years. And when Easter came around, my mom used to make all my clothes, all of them, jeans, shirts, all the time. I couldn't wait to get my first pair of Levi's sixth grade. Because I always had my mom's clothing. Well, for Easter one year, she thought it would be really cute. And I didn't want to do it because my sister was involved, but she thought it would be really cute. And today it reminds me of the Christmas story with Ralphie. My mom made me wear a bunny outfit.

And my sister was dressed up as a carrot. And we had to go into the college area where all the other kids were gathering. And I had to stand there with that carrot of a sister because I was the bunny. I'm still healing from it. But my mother made those clothes. Verse 20, she opens her hand to the poor. Oh, by the way, Emily makes some good clothes. Not for me, mind you, but for the grandkids.

She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. This is so important. So important. I ran into a guy not too long ago, and he said this. He had this philosophy of life. The philosophy of life that he had was this. He said, why should I give to other organizations? Don't you understand? I'll have less. Well, that's one way to look at it, right? Why should I give to all these organizations and other people? You know, I'm going to have less then. That's the result.

But a godly, wise woman, she opens her hand to the poor. Why? Because God does. She reaches her hands to the needy. Why? Because God does. Everything that God does, we do because we're his body. That's why we build hospitals. That's why we take care of the widows, the orphans. That's why we have programs for the poor, the preferential option. That's a preference for the poor. You get yourself a preferential option wife.

And that's what I've got in Emily. Number, let's see, verse 21, she's not afraid of snow for her household. For all her household are clothed in scarlet. Now, I don't think that's talking about Minnesota snow because my wife is a little afraid of that. But what we're talking about here is for all her household are clothed in Scarlet. So let's take a look at this just for a second. When we talk about she's not afraid of snow. Right away, you would think, and Emily isn't really afraid of snow.

What you would think right away is, well, there wasn't. much snow in Israel was there? Well, yes, there was it, but Mount Hermann. You can go there and go skiing. You can go skiing up there if you want to and then have, go swimming in the Dead Sea for lunch. It's not that big of a country. She's not afraid of snow. Now, snow was in ancient Israel rare. It wasn't very common, but it did happen in the hill country. In fact, one year, in Jerusalem, on our pilgrimage, we couldn't go out because our bus was snowed in on the highest hill of the seven hills in Jerusalem. Now, snow speaks of winter hardship, economic vulnerability, or a lack of preparation, or exposure.

And so what this verse is talking about is foresight. She rises while it is still night. Her lamp does not go out at night. She watches over her household. But what we see here is, and this is very powerful, is that we see, she's not. not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. And what could that mean? Well, the Hebrew word there is Shanim, which can mean scarlet, richly dyed fabric type of thing,

or possibly, in scholars argue about this, double garments, double garments, thick, layered, clothing. So her household is well provided for. They are clothed not merely adequately, but honorably. and it signals prosperity and dignity. So this idea of a scarlet garment fabric is speaking of warm, layered garments for winter, practical protection, might even have this meaning of a double fabric, two layers to it. Kind of interesting. See, that's what makes Bible study so good.

Verse 22, she makes herself coverings. Her clothing is fine linen and purple. There's the royalty. again, fine linen and purple. Okay, so so far, Emily's all the way up to verse 22. She's batting a thousand here. Proverbs 3123, her husband, that's me, is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. I got to tell you, I speak a lot around the world.

I do podcasts. I'm on television. I write books. I do all of this. And you know what the most common question I get is when I show up in New York or show up somewhere to speak, where's Emily? We want to meet Emily. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. People want to know her.

Verse 24, she makes linen garments and sells them. She delivers girdles to the merchant. Okay, Emily has never done the second part of that that I know of. Honey, have you ever sold girdles to a merchant? No. Okay, that was me. But the first part of it, she makes linen garments and sells them. Again, she's providing for others, making clothes for others.

And she's shrewd enough to make a profit. Verse 25, strength and dignity are her clothing. Strength and dignity are her clothing. She's clothed with strength. Where the strength, not in herself, not just hanging in front of two Marines at the state fair for 20 minutes. The strength is in the Lord. The joy of the Lord is my strength, prophet said. This woman has strength because there's joy in the Lord. She has dignity for her clothing and she laughs at the time to come. It's like, oh, things are going to be rough up ahead.

She's got strength in the Lord. She really does. And in verse 26, she opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. This stuff is so important. You know what, young man, you're looking for a wife? You need to make a checklist here. You really do. And I would go as far as to say that if you're not checking off very many things here, bring it down the road. She opens her mouth with wisdom.

She's a wise woman. Remember what we said at the top of the show? And that is that you apply knowledge with wisdom. And the result is understanding. 27, she looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. All right, you know what this means in Hebrew? It means she doesn't surf the net constantly. She's not constantly going with Instagram and flipping her thumb up, up, up, up, up.

She doesn't eat the bread of idleness. She has moved beyond squirrels on skateboards on YouTube. Yeah, she might look back once in a while with the kittens, but squirrels on skateboards? No, no, she's beyond that now. And I would say to you, ladies, my good friend, if you're dating a guy and all he does is fool around with video games and doesn't match any of this stuff from last week or this week, take it down the road. Verse 28, her children rise up and call her blessed. You know what the word blessed means in Hebrew that's Ashre means happy. Her children rise up and call her happy.

She's blessed. She's blessed. Her husband also. And he praises her. This woman is blessed. Not only is she happy, but she is blessed by God. God's hand is upon her and her husband also. And he praises her.

You know, we need to praise our wives more often. We do. I try to do this. In fact, I think I do it pretty regularly, you know. I think that's really, really important. I remember coming home from work years ago as a pastor before I came back to the church. And I always had this little thing. I say, love you, babe, the next day.

Love you, babe. And she just said, yeah, hey, the next day, love you, babe. And every once in a while I'd throw in a real zinger and say, love you, babe, and point to her and, you know, blink my eye. Give her that really doesn't. and one day I came home and I said, hey, love you, babe. And she looked at me and said, why? What? Why are you asking me why?

Because I do, babe. But she said, no, tell me why. And I had to think. She made me think. And I came up with a whole list and I started getting choked up. I thought, man, I should probably be saying this more often. Okay, three more. many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.

Ooh, I got that one in spades. And then verse 30, charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Oh, man. Guys, this one right here is full of dynamite. I know she's the babe. I know she's good, like it. I know she's, you know, I know, I know.

But that changes. And it can change without you even have. having anything to say about it. Could be an accident, could be something else. Something can change, but people age too. You're going to be attracted to her. You are. You know, you see, oh, she's so beautiful, and I'm sure she is.

But things do change. And you're going to have to have something stronger, a better foundation than looks, or the way she sings or anything like that. You want a woman who fears the Lord. That's what's going to take you off into eternity. that's the foundation you won with your life. And finally, verse 31, give her of the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates. In other words, it's like, this is full circle.

Everybody knows about this woman because of her works and because of her dignity and because of her wisdom. And it's going to be in the city gates. Your choice for a wife is eventually going to have a message in the city gates. And it might be, mm-mm, or wow. Wow. Now let me just conclude by saying this, I was lucky. I chose Emily at a time. I was 19 years old. She was 18 when we got engaged. As you probably know, I was quite advanced for my age and wisdom and understanding. Not. I was lucky. I saw something in Emily. And I went after it. It had 19 years. My parents and my dad was like, doing. I said, oh, I think I got a good one here. I think I do.

And I was right. I made out better than she did. But not everybody is that lucky because they just looked at each other and said, oh, you're so good looking. You're so handsome. You're so beautiful. Let's get married. Okay.

And then life happens. And handsome and pretty don't carry the day. They never do. The choices you make now will have an impact. on you the rest of your life and your eternity and your children and your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren and your great-great-grandchildren and your great-great-grandchildren and all your neighbors and your friends of your neighbors. It's really important. Let me pray for you. The name of the Father's Son and the Holy Spirit, Lord Jesus, I thank you for my dear brother who is

looking at marrying someone. Lord, I pray that you will give him discernment, understanding. that he would look at the heart and not on the outside, that his choice would be made for the purpose of serving you together with the covenant partner, a bride, and that he would be prepared to love that bride the way you love us, your bride, the church. Lord, may this sink in. May you be glorified in Jesus' name.

Amen. Name of the Father and the Son, in the Holy Spirit. Amen. Love you. By the way, next week got a big interview with a guy. We just found out he has cancer. We're going to talk about how does a man deal with cancer. Have a great week.