The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - How to Give Criticism Well

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

It can be difficult to receive criticism well, but what about offering criticism? This can be just as difficult! Jeff shares some advice and encouragement on how to give criticism well. Snippet from the Show There is a difference between judging and correcting. Email us with comments or questions at [e-mail]. Text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to subscribe and get Jeff’s shownotes delivered straight to your email! Or visit ascensionpress.com/thejeffcavinsshow for full shownotes!

Welcome to the Jeff Kaven's show, where we talk about the Bible, discipleship, and evangelization, putting it all together in living as activated disciples. This is show 279, How to Give Criticism. Welcome to the show this week. I'm Jeff Kavans. Have you ever been criticized? We all have. have, haven't we? A couple weeks ago, I was talking about how to receive criticism, which is very, very important. And then I got a lot of feedback from you, Roland, and others saying, hey, could you talk about how to give criticism? So that's what we're going to do this week. Last week, I was talking about wake up. Got a lot of response. And I appreciate your response. If you didn't hear last week's show. I'm, you know, I'm kind of at that point where at times I just feel like,

you know what, we've got to say it the way it is. We've got to move forward, not be ashamed of the gospel. We've got to stop watering down the gospel and ask more of people, ask more of people, not less, but more, and teach people about how to suffer in the meaning of life and searching for happiness. We talked a lot about that last week. If you haven't listened, go back and listen to wake up. And then the show before that was how to receive criticism. And we're going to talk about how to give criticism today. Show notes, if you do want the show notes, and today, they are considerable.

I have put together a lot for you, which I try to every week. This week was over the top. If you want the show notes, then all you got to do is text my name, Jeff Kavins. That's one word, Jeff Kavins, to the number 33777. that's 33777. I've also got response from people enjoying the morning show, which I do on Hallow, which is the daily reflection on Hallow's app. And I do that every single morning on the gospel reading with Jonathan Rumi, who reads the gospel. And you can sign up for that by going to www.h.com forward slash Jeff Kavins, one word, Jeff Kavans. And I think they'll give you three months.

to check her out. I'll put that in the show notes for you as well. And then also, I put out a series a few years ago called Wisdom, God's Vision for Life. There are some things about the mouth and the way we speak that I'm using just a little bit of that. But if you want to go deeper into that, you can check that out. It'll be in the show notes as well. All right. So criticism is one of the scariest words in our vocabulary, isn't it?

Somebody comes up to you and says, do you have a moment? Well, you know what that means, right? It's when the doctor calls and says, are you sitting down? Well, you know that's not good news. That's usually bad news. It's kind of like, you know, that word criticism is up there with the word cancer and active shooter. We really don't like it, but it is one of the things that will help us grow.

And in today's show, how to help others grow. and this takes some guts it really does what i'm what i'm going to share with you is is not the advice of a psychologist or a professional counselor but as a friend a friend a brother a bible teacher i i've been criticized plenty in my times i have uh i don't like it but i know there has been times when someone criticized me that it turned out to be one of the best bits of advice anybody ever gave to me. And I know when somebody's just angry or needs to get something off their chest, but you can't spend over 40 years in ministry as a pastor, TV host, radio host, podcast, books, talks without receiving some criticism. As well, I have had plenty of opportunities to give constructive criticism

to those that I loved, and I put special emphasis there on constructive criticism, constructive. So what I'd like to do is share with you simply some things that will simply assist you. And I know that you can feel helpless at times. Sometimes when you know that you should say something to a friend, but you don't know what to say, don't know if you should say it. And in the end, don't know if you have the guts. Or shall we say, the love necessary to do it. So that's important. Now, I'm going to divide up today's show into two parts. The first part before the break is, I'm going to talk about some basic considerations when offering criticism. And then on the second half, I'm going to talk about the process of giving criticism and some

suggestions. Again, this isn't the end-all show on giving criticism, but some brotherly advice. If you want to engage in this, you feel that it is absolutely necessary. Now, I have said in the past that I have three things that I think about, oftentimes, if I am criticized. Number one, what is my relationship with a person? Number two, do they love me and have my eternal destiny in mind? And number three, are they right? So I always think about that. But let me give you some points here on this side of our break in the middle of the show that are things to think about. Okay. So A, I'll put these in terms of A, B, C, D, E, and so forth. And then in the

second part, I'm going to give you one, two, three, four, five as far as the process. So, A, what is my relationship with the person that I'm thinking about talking to? Is this even my business to talk to this person? So you must take into consideration the closeness of the relationship, and you must measure that with the content of the criticism. Is this way out of your league? Is this something you know nothing about? Is this a person who is completely in a different orbit than you? There's a lot of people that God has not called me.

I say not called me to offer criticism. In fact, most people, because of the relationship. I don't have a relationship that would warrant me getting into their life other than a small comment on style or something else. The closer the person, the more transparent you can be. And you must remember that criticism takes into consideration the heart of the person that you're talking to. And that means that it's important to consider the relationship. You have to know a little bit about their intent or their history and a number of other variables. Has the person given you anything that you are concerned about that your relationship warrants you talking about?

That's just something to think about. And there are situations where somebody may say, well, I don't really have a relationship with them, but I feel like I should say something. And that's fine. I'm just saying that it's something to think about. What is my relationship with that person? You need to determine if what you are going to tell them is in the category of rumor or hearsay, bringing up rumors. Well, that can be destructive in a relationship. It really can. For one, it may tell the person. that you're going to talk to that you kind of believe it or you want to check it out, is it right or wrong? But listen, we don't deal in rumors. I don't go there. In fact, I would talk to the one who was spreading rumors. That's what I would do. I'd talk to them about it and that when we deal with rumors, it doesn't turn out really well. So ask yourself in this stage of the preparation, is this the type of thing that could be better addressed in a quick lesson? to them? Or does this take a face-to-face meeting? I think face-to-face meetings are always more

genuine. They're more friendly. They offer an atmosphere where people can feel safe rather than talking on the phone or all of a sudden you get this letter. There's no room for response. The more serious the matter face-to-face is, I think, more effective. The time that goes by, listen, if you write a letter, to somebody correcting them. And a week goes by before you can sit down and talk to them, that week can be agonizing for some people. And I would say that it borders unfair or even cruel to bring up something and there's no way for somebody to respond.

So what is my relationship with the person? B, do you have some authority or responsibility in the relationship? That's a very good question to ask because the question of, should I say anything? may already be answered by your relationship with them in terms of your responsibility and your authority. In other words, are you in a role of responsibility? Like, for example, say a parent, an employer, certainly a pastor, a principal of a school, a headmaster, a counselor. Yeah, these are people who by means of their job description have a certain permission. to be able to talk to people, and it is almost expected that they would.

It can be very uncomfortable to give criticism to someone who is older than you in the Lord or in years, and that can be very, very uncomfortable. We're reversing this, you know, somebody who normally would have a responsibility to talk to you. You're talking to them. St. Paul ran into this with St. Peter. He got into a public, kind of a rebuke of Peter about eating pork. I've never been chastised for eating pork.

But back then, Peter needed it and Paul did it. I had a situation years ago where I had to bring up something very sensitive to one of the men who disciples me when I was 18, 19, 20 years old. And I later went on and 25 years of age became a pastor, brought up. the sky into the church, and I ended up having to say something, and I hated it. And by the way, this person has since deceased is no longer with us. But I had to say something, and I was so uncomfortable because of this relationship that he was my mentor for two or three years. But I felt so compelled that I had to say it, and it ended up becoming the right thing to say. And that took some some guts that's greek for love you know that that really took something to

overcome that fear of being able to say something in love to someone so that's b do do you have some authority or responsibility in the relationship c you got to do your homework you got to do your homework be certain of what you know to be wrong what was said what was done did you hear or see correctly? Have you checked your source? This is important. Do your homework. I've had times in my life where I was ready to talk to somebody about something. And right before I did, it was all cleared up. It was a misunderstanding. And had I checked, I would have found out that, no, this didn't even warrant a conversation. So when I say do your homework, be certain of what you know, but also the The second part of that is go to the Bible and go to the catechism and learn a little, get schooled on the topic.

So you have something positive to give to people. You have some basis of truth. You have a place to start in the conversation. Criticizing someone with no idea of how to say or do the proper thing in a godly way is really of little help to people. It's just giving your opinion, and that doesn't work so well. take a little bit of time. If someone is gossiping and you feel like you need to talk to them about that, go to the Bible, look up some verses, go to the catechism. What does the Bible say about gossip? I have that Bible study on wisdom where I talk about the mouth, and I give all kinds of scripture and help on that.

That's just a source that you could use. I'll put that in the show notes if you get the show notes. so do your homework and d express your thoughts in love and gentleness we're not at the process yet but this is something that you must keep in mind prior to even getting together or writing a letter and you must you must know that that we are to express our thoughts in love in gentleness and a soft word it turns away so many bad things it really does how you deliver criticism will speak as loud or louder than what you have to say. There are a few times that somebody offered me criticism, and I probably needed it, but I couldn't get past how they said it.

They were mean. They were vindictive. It sounded like ad hominem in an argument. And they have very well have been right. but how they did it was very wrong. And those are the times when you make the changes that they suggested, but long after they have the satisfaction of seeing the change. You know, that's pride.

That's another show. So that's important. Express your thoughts in love and gentleness. Prepare yourself to talk in love and gentleness. And if you are angry and upset, you need to settle down. You need to settle down before you talk to anybody. because the anger does not accomplish the righteousness of God. And James says this.

And you also have to be careful that you don't confuse judging and correcting. Matthew 7.1 says, Judge not, that you not be judged. When you are correcting someone, you are not judging. You are correcting something you know to be true. You heard it. You saw it. it has become an issue and so don't be afraid to correct someone because you are afraid that

well that's going to be judging judging judging there is talking about this ultimate judgment heaven hell and we're not we're not called to that that is above our pay scale e e the final one on this side of the break is once you have made your point make it into a conversation turn it into a conversation and what i mean by that is that once you make your point which I have some things to say about that on the other side of the break, once you've made your point, give them an opportunity to respond. Do not escalate to an argument or debate. You've done your job.

Allow room for the Holy Spirit to work in their life. Not everything is done in one conversation. Think about the times that you left the chiropractor's office. It felt just totally great. No, he probably felt like you'd been beaten up or clothes lined. you know, in the neck, and you were uncomfortable, but you went in there and you got an adjustment. So in order to really, really be effective, you're not going in there with your speech and walking out, you know, clapping your hands together. The old did what I was supposed

to do. No, you want to be concise and you want to have a conversation. Give them an opportunity to respond, either positively or negatively. But it's not a debate. It isn't our, argument. It's an act of love in what you are doing. We're talking about how to give criticism today. You're listening to the Jeff Kaven show. Be right back. 2,000 years ago, Jesus Christ chose corrupt, broken, imperfect, sinful men to be the foundation of his church. And because he's broken and perfect men, chose to remain in relationship with Jesus, they became saints, and they were used by Jesus to transform hearts and minds 2,000 years later. I invite you to check out my book, Broken and Blessed,

where you'll find practical tools to overcome habitual sin, to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and to walk with an imperfect church toward a perfect God who is calling all of us to Perfection over time. To order the paperback book or audiobook, Broken and Blessed, visit ascensionpress.com or Amazon. Okay, so in the first half of today's show, we were talking about just some general things to remember in the defeat of giving criticism to somebody else. You're not always the one, but if you are convinced. that you need to say something, there are things to think about prior to even meeting with them. Okay. So now, now you're going to do it. Now you pulled the trigger, in a sense, the positive

trigger, in that you are going to, you're going to offer criticism, help, guidance to somebody that might not even know you are thinking about what you're about to deliver. So let's talk about the process. Even before you begin your preparation to talk to them or write, even before you meet with them before any of that pray begin by preparation your preparation with prayer pray that that god will number one give you the love and the words and the insight that would be helpful for your friend pray for your friend that they their heart would be open to receiving correction open to truth open to another way a better way is Jesus said to Martha, he said, Mary has chosen the better way.

Pray that they will be open to that. Matthew 1815 says, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you've gained your brother. Sounds like it's important enough to start with prayer there before you even meet with them. And you are meeting with them alone. You know, this brings up a point that I think is really important. If somebody says to you that they would like to talk to you, it's just going to be the two of you. On the scale of one to ten, this thing could rise to a three or four in terms of, oh, oh, I'm in trouble.

But when you tell them that the committee wants to talk to them, oh, that's ratcheted up to maybe a seven or eight, maybe even a nine. Lord forbid a ten. so alone is safe and i think that you got to use wisdom when you meet with them as to whether this is a male female issue i don't i don't meet with women to correct them generally speaking i think it's great when when men can talk to men and women can talk to women and when a man has to talk to a woman it's in a safe area and uh and you have to use prudence you just have to use prudence when you do this. So before you even begin, your preparation, pray. Number two, ask for permission. Ask for permission. Don't just assume that people want to hear your opinion. Don't just assume

that that person is going to see you as, hey, finally, the corrector has come. You know, the ultimate, wise counselor has texted me. I've been waiting for this. No, trust me, they're not waiting for what you are about to share. As for permission, can I share something with you that I think will really help you? Pretty honest, just be straightforward. Can I share something with you that I think will help you? You don't have to escalate this into, can I share some important word from God with you lest you turn away another way and find yourself in hell? No, you're just, hey, can I share something with you that I think will really help you. You've got to remember that the purpose of criticism is to draw people closer to the

Lord, not to satisfy your own concept of justice or your own well-being. Ask permission. When people just start off telling the person what they think, naturally people are going to be on the defense. I'd be on the defense. It says in James, Chapter 5, my brothers, if anyone among you wonders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings him back, whoever brings back a sinner from the error of his way, will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.

You might be doing someone a big, big favor, but ask. Everybody wants to be asked, no one wants to be told. Galatians 6.1, Paul said, brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep remembering gentleness there. And also this, you got to watch yourself. Paul says lest you be tempted. Listen to what he says again. Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself lest you to be tempted. Very important. Number three, Start with the positive.

Start with the positive followed by the critique. Now, you know what this would sound like. If I were talking to you and I was going to talk to you about your tendency to gossip in our prayer, in our Bible study. I'm taking you aside and saying, can I talk to you about something? And you say, sure, yeah. I would start up by saying, you know, I love the way you contribute to the Bible study. your insights, particularly on the Matthews study, were spot on. In fact, they even helped me in my own life.

And I want to help you with something. There's something that I have noticed. And I just feel like I need to share this with you. And I want to know, can I, can I share with you? Absolutely. What is it? And it's at that point when you can say, there's been a couple of times in the last week where you have,

and I might bring it up. And I don't know if you have noticed that, but I did. And you're going to share with them that criticism in that that is not the healthiest thing to do, to leave those stories of other people outside of, out of the study. But the point is this, I started with a positive, and then I followed by critique. Now, I didn't come up with that. You know who came up with that? well his name is Jesus Jesus in the book of Revelation he speaks to the seven churches of

Asia Minor and in each one of those churches he gives a a positive opening followed by critique in fact Pope Benedict did this I've seen some of the letters that he he writes to the various groups of bishops around the world always always always always starts positive This is what you've done, yay, but I have to bring up something to you. This is just the model. Start positive, followed by critique. Like, for example, in Revelation 2, John is talking to, the Lord is talking to, the church in Ephesus. It's in the southwest corner of modern day Turkey.

And he says, to the angel of the church in Ephesus write, the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right, hand, who walks among the seven golden lamp stands, I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear evil men, but have tested those who call themselves apostles, but are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring, enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. Now, that's quite a positive opening. All right. Now, the other shoe drops, but I have this against you. that you have abandoned the love you had at the first. So that's the pattern in the letters written to the seven churches in the book of Revelation.

So back to my point, start with a positive followed by the critique. Separate the comment or the action from the person. That's another thing that I just wanted to slip in there. Separate the comment or the action from the person. You're not attacking a person. you are helping a brother or sister on the road to holiness. I love what Paul said to the Thessalonians in chapter 3. Second Thessalonians 315, he said,

do not regard him as an enemy. This guy they were talking about, don't regard him as an enemy, but warn him, warn him as a brother. Okay? This isn't a contest. This isn't WWF wrestling or whatever it is now, W-W-W something. But this is a familial relationship. If it's in the body of Christ, it's

familial. It is family. So when we talk about start with the positive, followed by the critique, one thing that I try to do sometimes, you know, when I'm talking to someone, is use my own life as an example, maybe a story when I did the same thing, or a quote from someone that really, really helped me, or a book that I read that really was a positive in my life, would help me to walk in a way that is consistent with the kingdom of God. 2 Timothy 4.2, I like this verse in 2 Timothy 4.2 because it really offers good points to pastors and deacons when they're delivering their homily. Paul wrote to Timothy and he said, preach the word, be ready in season and out of season,

reprove, rebuke, exhort with complete patience and teaching. It's very good, isn't it? With patience. Okay. Number four, articulate whether it be in writing or speech, the critique in a succinct way. Don't meander. I'll say that again. Articulate whether it be in writing or speech, the critique in a succinct way. Don't meander. The fewer the words, the better. Stay on track. Talk briefly. the results of what may happen if they don't change, which you've noticed, which you know to be true, what the scripture says,

or what the intention of the business, the ministry, reminding them of the mission statement, whatever it might be, but talk briefly about the results of what happens when they don't do that, or what could happen if change doesn't take place. Suggest to them a better way that is consistent with the message of Jesus. Show them what has helped you from the Bible.

or the catechism. You know, you don't need to come to them with a lesson prepared. Show them what has helped you in your life. It shows a little humility. And people receive criticism from humble people much more than from proud people. Because if you share a vast tomb and you share it with pride, you now have turned this into a battle, into a debate. And that's not what you want. So articulate, be succinct. And that's all you want to talk about. You don't want to say that they did this, A, but you also notice they did B, C, D, and E in the past as well. But we'll get to that later. No, you don't make it complicated. Just talk about what you need to talk to them about. And number five, pray with them or let them know that you're praying for them. Let them know

that you love them, that you love them, and that you will pray for them, and that you do pray for them. And then, number six, and this one is so important, this is very, very important. And what I'm talking about here now, what I'm about to say is not with issues that need to be brought to the pastor. It is about, it's not about issues that need to be brought to the authorities. That's not what I'm talking about. I am not talking about a layman under the ban of confession and cannot share. I'm not talking about that at all. I'm talking about two friends, two people talking over coffee, whatever it might be. But it's this. Keep it to yourself. Keep it to yourself and assure them that it will stay between the two of you. If you get a reputation as somebody that

people can trust, then what you say in a year from now will carry even more weight. But if you develop a reputation as someone who has loose lips, then you're going to a year from now sink ships. And people are not going to trust you. People can read you. People know if you're authentic. People know if you care. They know if they should, you know, maybe not share something with you because maybe they have a criticism of you. The last time they're shared with you, well, it got in the bulletin, sort of speak. This is important. People go back to a priest for confession.

Why? Well, they trust. They trust the priest, and they trust the teachings of the church that the priest does not share these things. So as much as you can do as a layman in your conversations, keep it to yourself and assure them, this is between you and me. I am not going to discuss this. with anybody else. This is for us. You'll go a long way in getting results in people's lives

if, in fact, you have something to critique them about. And then finally, number seven, follow up with a little encouragement. Once you have given them some correction and criticism, I'll tell you what happens, I'll tell you what the dynamic is, they may have said to you, thank you, Gary, thank you, Susan, for sharing that with me. That means a lot to me. You love me, and I appreciate that. I really do. Thank you for what you said and the transparency in which you communicated, and you prayed with me. Yay, God bless. Okay, well, three or four days after that, something can happen in their mind where they'll think, you know what, he probably doesn't think as much of me anymore. He probably doesn't trust me anymore. He's not going to

choose me, the mind can do really squirrelly things. And that's why I suggest follow up with encouragement. If it was sensitive in terms of content, call them, meet with them in person. I wouldn't write it down. I wouldn't send a text or an email. But I would follow up and let them know, how are you doing? Thank you for letting me talk to you. The fact that you trusted me meant a lot and it helped me to share with you something that I think is important in my life as well. Oh yeah, thanks for calling me back. Yeah, I've been thinking about it the last three or four days and again, thank you for talking to me and again, encourage them in what they do so well. Restore them to that place of trust and that place of love and relationship. That is so important.

Follow up with encouragement. Well, there you go. That's what I put together today when Roland and others, they emailed me and said, hey, could you talk about how to give criticism? Absolutely. There it is. So let me pray for you. And again, my email is The Jeff Kaven Show at ascensionpress.com. You just never know when your suggestion is going to be one of the shows.

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Jesus, we love you. Oh, Jesus, we thank you for dying for us. adopting us as sons and daughters, bringing us into the family of the Trinity, sharing your life, your grace, sharing everything. Lord, you have given us the opportunity to live in the context of a family, the body of Christ. And Lord, we know that not everything goes well, but when things don't go well, you've actually called us to have a relationship with others, and sometimes that means correcting. And we ask you, Lord, to give us a heart of compassion and gentleness.

a heart that is truly concerned with justice, truth. And, Lord, use us, if you see fit. Help us to see through your lens, to hear through your ears. And may we be an extension of your love and your way of communicating. And if, Lord, if you're calling us to talk to someone, and that's why someone's listening to this particular episode, give them wisdom, Lord, and insight. Use them for your glory.

I pray in Jesus' name, A. Amen. Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Listen, my friend, I love you. Thank you for going, by the way, to Apple and Google Play and ranking the show and making some comments. Does a lot for the algorithm. And who knows, this show might help somebody else in the future. So, thanks for being a partner. God bless you. Have a wonderful week. Thank you.