The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - How to Receive Criticism Well

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

Is criticism a good thing? If so, how can we receive it well? In this episode, Jeff Cavins shares personal advice and quotations from Scripture to help you receive criticism well. Snippet from the Show If you want understanding and you want to acquire wisdom, you must be open to criticism. Email us with comments or questions at [e-mail]. Text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to subscribe and get Jeff’s shownotes delivered straight to your email! Or visit ascensionpress.com/thejeffcavinsshow for full shownotes!

Welcome to the Jeff Kaven Show, where we talk about the Bible, discipleship, and evangelization, putting it all together in living as activated disciples. This is Show 278, How to Receive Criticism. And welcome again, my friend. So glad you came back. This is show 278. Boy, we're approaching 300 just around the corner. Well, I'm going to talk about that topic that we have to talk about.

And it's a topic that is no respecter of age or your place in society as far as the money you have, the positions you have, where you live. It's that topic of criticism. And specifically, how to receive criticism. How do we deal with criticism? This is one of the most difficult things to deal with in our life when people criticize us. Maybe you heard that great phrase that really means nothing, and that is, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Not.

I think it's more like sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can actually kill me, destroy me, crush me. and that's the power of words i gave a talk in a city i remember this so clearly i gave a talk in a city and i thought it was a pretty good talk to be honest with you and afterwards someone comes up and says uh jeff i really do you have a minute you have a minute and sure i really liked your talk i i just have one suggestion for you now at that point as you know everything changes blood pressure security threat maybe they maybe they aren't the person i thought they were danger will robinson right well you'll have to google that one if that you don't know

what danger will robinson means you're going to have to google that then you'll know but no one likes to be criticized but critique is a part of life kind of like going into your boss's office for your annual review prior to your annual review do you sleep well the night before probably not you probably don't i remember one time my assistant called me it was late at night about nine o'clock or so. And she called me and she said, are you sitting down? Now, when someone says that, are you sitting down? It usually means prepare yourself, brace yourself. And they started the conversation by saying that. And then they said, I want to read to you something that somebody wrote about you. Boy, everything changes at that point, doesn't it? It's almost like your life is falling

apart. You feel so vulnerable, so shaky, and it's really a difficult thing. And it never ceases to amaze me what criticism can do. So we're going to talk about that. We're going to talk about listening to someone. We're going to talk about weighing what they say and how do we respond if we're criticized. And if you are someone who just recently has been criticized, this show is going to be for you. It really is. will. Hey, before we get into that, I do appreciate you going to Apple and Google Play, wherever podcasts are heard and ranking the show and giving some comments. I really do appreciate that. And I would appreciate it if all your comments were positive and good. No criticism,

please. Can't handle that. Kidding. You just say it the way it is, okay? But it really helps in the algorithms. Before I get into this about criticism today, I'd also like to remind you. I'd also like to remind you that every single morning, I do have a podcast, a show every morning on Hallow. Jonathan Rumi, who plays Jesus on The Chosen and I have teamed up, and he's reading the gospel of the day, and I'm giving about a five to seven minute reflection every single morning. And if you'd like to try it out for three months free, go to hallow.com forward slash Jeff Kavens, and they'll give you three months free. not a bad deal I ran into someone earlier just today in fact who they were showing me their

their hello app and they if they if they uh you know actually signed up at that point I think they got 15 day free trial and I said well you ought to use this forward slash Jeff Kavens you get three months that's not a bad deal so okay I wanted to share that with you we're talking about how to receive criticism today you've heard of Marcus Aurelius the great roman emperor some say one of the greatest strategists and minds and thinkers of all time. He had something to say about this, which I think is really ironic and it's true. He said, it never ceases to amaze me. We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.

I'll stick that in the show notes for you. Get the show notes. Type my name, Jeff Kaven's, 3377 is the number to 10. text it to at 33777. I'll give you all the show notes. Okay, so I love that. He says it never ceases to amaze me. We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own. Isn't that true? You know, you can get a thousand letters, and 999 people say, you're the greatest thing in the world, and one person says you're an idiot, you're jerk, you're conceited, and guess what you think about for the rest of the day? It's not the 99, 99. I'll tell you

that. It's that one. So, let's talk about it, shall we? Any criticism that we receive will ultimately fall into one of the three, these three categories. And each type requires, I think, a different way of looking at it. And these categories are kind of universal. If you've ever read anything on criticism, I think you'll find that these three categories kind of fit the mold. Number one, accurate criticism. It can be completely true. or it can even be partially true what someone says about you or the advice they're giving you, whether it's something you said or something you did or didn't do. Accurate criticism.

Okay, that's one container right there. Accurate criticism, whether it's complete or partial. The second is inaccurate criticism. It's basically incorrect, you know, it's incorrect, but there still might be some element of truth in what they are saying. And maybe you're the only one that knows, well, they're kind of partially right there. But I'm going to put it in the category of inaccurate. And then there's the third one, which is just plain out malicious criticism. And that's the one we're really, I think, afraid of.

Well, you know what? We might be afraid of the accurate one now that I think about it right here. The accurate one could be the one we're really afraid of. The malicious one might be the easiest one to deal with in some ways. At least that's the way I've kind of have seen it. criticism it's motivated by by someone who's frustrated they're very angry maybe there's they're jealous or envious of you or there's something that's gone on in their life where you know they're just very very very very skewed in their opinion i remember uh a person came up to me

after a conference one time and they walked over to me and you know what they said they looked to me and they said i hate you oh that's a good way to you know start a conversation Obviously, you didn't read that book on how to win friends and influence people, but what was your name? And they told me their name, and I said, well, why do you hate me? And they hated me because they assumed that everything in my life was going just honky-dory. You don't know that one, Google that one too. But they thought everything was going honky, Dory. And they assumed that that's the way my life was. And at the same time, their own spouse was struggling big time at work in a local church. And they kind of compared the two. of us and her conclusion was, I hate you, you know. So there might have been things going on in her life. One of the first questions that you need to ask yourself is, are you really open to growth? That's really a question to ask yourself. Are you open to growth? Are you really open to

suggestions that will help you become a holier husband or wife or an employee or a son or daughter, a more effective disciple of Jesus? Now, I say this at the top, because I say, Because if you're not open to growth through other people and other people, you know, saying things about you, then you're going to be behind a wall like a castle and no one's going to be able to get to you and you're going to be out of reach as far as growth goes. And so we've got to be open to growth. The truth is that that God can and does at times speak through critique. He does.

And it's happened in my life where somebody said something to me. and it stung, to be honest with you, but you know what? They were right, and I thought about it for a good long time, and eventually went to him and said, you know, I want to thank you for that. I hated it when you said it, but I took it to heart, and I'm grateful. So if you're in a leadership position in church or at work or wherever it might be some ministry, if you're in a leadership position, then criticism is simply a part of it. It's part of leadership, and in some cases it's literally the,

the price of leadership. If you're going to be a leader, you have to be open to critique. It's hard to be enthusiastic about your vision or your ideas or your comments and your hope is that everyone else will be as excited as you are. And we usually start from the perspective of how could anyone not like what I'm saying or how could anybody disagree with what I'm doing in this ministry or I'm doing at the business, the office, or at home. And when we find out that somebody wasn't quite as excited as we were, wow, we can really become defensive at that point. So let's look first, my friend, at what does the Bible say about receiving criticism, okay?

I have for you four different scriptures that I'm going to put in the show notes, and they're all out of Proverbs because, you see, Proverbs is one of those, one of those places in the Bible where it is just pure gold when it comes to wisdom and it comes to how to respond to people, especially criticism or correction. So let's look at these four, first of all. What does the Bible say about criticism? And then we'll look at some questions for you to think about after that. Number one, Proverbs 1531 through 33 says, he whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. He who neglects discipline despises himself.

But he who listens to reproof acquires understanding. The fear of the Lord is the instruction for wisdom, and before honor comes humility. Now, that is a powerful verse when it comes to, you know, what does the Bible say about criticism, it says that he who has ears listens to life-giving reproof. That person's going to dwell among the wise. And he who neglects discipline despises, get this, despises himself, not going to allow himself to hear any kind of discipline or any kind of critique. But he who listens to reproof acquires what? Understanding. So number one, under that first point, that he whose ear listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Number one, there, it is wise to be open to criticism.

Biblically speaking, it is very, very wise. And number two, before honor comes humility. Now, humility is the ability to learn. And pride will get you nowhere. So if you want understanding and you want to acquire wisdom, you have to be open to criticism. You have to be open to discipline. That's the first one, Proverbs 15. The next one comes from Proverbs 27 and verse 17, and I love this, and I've used it many times in my life in discussions and talks, but never quite the way I want to share it with you today. It says in Proverbs 2717, iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Isn't that beautiful? Iron sharpens iron. That's like the sword, right? And so one man sharpens another. In other words, one man is going to help another man,

one woman helping another woman, become sharp, effective. So sharpening each other with our words, or that's one thing we have to think about, is that our words can help in sharpening someone. And if somebody wants to help sharpen you, sharpening each other with our words can be an avenue that God would use. Or, unfortunately, and many times, tearing each other. up. It can seem like a fine line at times. And so iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. And our words can be used. And other people's words can be used to sharpen you. Yeah, you and me. The third one is out of Proverbs 1920, and I'll have all these in the show notes. Listen to counsel and accept discipline that you may be wise the rest of your days. Now what that tells me

from a biblical perspective related to criticism is that, and think about this for a moment, your future at home, in your marriage, in your parenting, in finances, in your emotional well-being, at work depends on your willingness and ability to receive correction. That is a powerful verse, Proverbs 1920. I'm just writing this down myself, and I'm writing a note to myself to make sure that I I put some color on my Bible on that one right there. I want to remember that. Proverbs 1920, listen to counsel and accept discipline that you may be wise,

not just now, but the rest of your days. And number four, Proverbs 1710 says a rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding than a hundred blows into a fool. That's pretty, that's really descriptive, isn't it? A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding. In other words, if somebody criticizes me and I'm a man of understanding, their criticism, their suggestion, their observation is going to go deeper into my soul. And if I was a fool, which I don't want to be, but if you or I were fools, well, people could, you know, throw a hundred blows at us and it's not going to get, it's not going to go deep into us at all. Why?

Because we're a fool. We're a fool. A man or woman will gain understanding based on their willingness and their ability to receive rebukes. and a fool never receives rebuke or criticism. So those are four things that the Bible says about criticism that are really, really important. And I'll put those in the show notes for you. When I come back from the break, I want to ask you some questions to think about

in this area of criticism. And then I'm going to give some advice on how to actually receive it. A few points that you might want to consider when somebody criticizes you. You're listening to the Jeff Kaven show. Every one of us is made in the image of God. We are unique, worthy of love, and called to greatness. In this world, though, we can be distracted from that truth and begin to doubt God's love is real. You see, we live in a world that tells us we are not smart, attractive, thin, or rich enough. It is easy to focus on the ways we fall short of.

of worldly perfection, and forget that we are already made perfect. We are already enough. I'm Danielle Bean, author of You Are Enough, what women of the Bible teach you about your mission and worth. You Are Enough dives into the stories of women in the Bible so that you can fully see God's plan for your life. To order, visit ascensionpress.com or Amazon. I'm so glad you came back for the rest of the show.

I have no criticism here about you. We're talking about criticism, right? How to receive criticism, which is, I personally think this is one of the most needed shows out there. And I'm going to ask you to do a favor before I get into these questions and some advice on how to actually receive criticism. Do you, this is kind of funny, actually. you know of anybody who needs to hear this. That is funny now that I think about it. Maybe that could be taken wrong.

I don't know. Well, if you know of somebody who has been criticized, let's put it that way, you know of somebody who has been criticized and was demolished, wrecked, sidelined, ruined, bruised, damaged, sunk, and they need some encouragement, this show might be the one. And so I'm going to ask you to send a note. to them and tell them what episode it is. Have a link and give it to them as a gift. But don't criticize them. Do not tell them why they need to hear it. But if you do know seriously that they are hurt and crushed because they have been criticized, this might be a show that would be

of some benefit. Okay, so let's move on. Here are some questions for you to think about this week when it comes to criticism. Number one, do you really want to grow as a Christian? you say well jeff what a question to ask me of course of course i want to grow i listen to all of your podcasts and i listen to the morning reflection i've got all seven hundred and twenty three of scott hans books and i watch christian television and rate what a silly question to ask do you really want to grow as a christian well it's a good it's a good question i actually do know of people who love to study the faith but it doesn't appear that they're interested in growing a lot. Proverbs 12-1 says,

whoever loves discipline, loves knowledge. But he who hates reproof is stupid. Jeff, did you say that? Did you use the S word stupid? I did. Because it's in the Bible. It's in this one translation I'm looking at right now is the New American Standard Bible. That's an old Bible that I had.

And it says, whoever loves discipline, loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is el stupido is stupid. And the reason that they're stupid is they don't realize that correction is the path to greater understanding and becoming more like Jesus. Strength comes through humility. For when we are weak, we are strong. When we're weak, we are strong. So whoever loves discipline, loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.

So I'm asking you, again, do you really want to grow as a Christian? I think I know the answer on that one, because you've been with me a while. I do. I want to grow. I hope you do, too. The second question is, do you assume that you are right 100% of the time? That's a good question to ask, too, because in my case, of course, it would be yes. And I would be wrong, wouldn't I?

I would be wrong for saying, yes, I'm right, 100%. percent of the time. If you answered 100 percent of the time, you're right, you need to read first John, which says he who says he has no sin is a liar. And the truth is not in him. Look at that. We've used the word liar and stupid on the same podcast. There's got to be an award for that somewhere. So do you assume that you are right 100% of the time? Well, Proverbs 125 says the way of a fool is right in his own eyes. But a wise man listens to advice. A wise man listens to advice. So knowing that you are not right 100% of the time, because I'm going to assume that you said, no, you're not right 100% of the time. Knowing that you're not right 100% of the time,

look for that percentage that you are not right. Be open to that. Be open to correction. third question how many times have you heard criticism and truth be told they only spoke about a part of your problem you're aware that they just touch the top of the of the iceberg there boy hmm a great preacher once said and i love this quote he said if any man thinks ill of you do not be angry with him for you are worse than he thinks you to be. Oh, that is revealing, isn't it? If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be. You're worse off. That's happened to me a few times. Somebody criticized me, you know, for something. And I thought to myself, and if they only know the whole of it, the truth of it, you know, they just got a part of it. And I'm going to resist that. And the fourth

question, what does the way that you currently receive correction say about you? The way that you currently receive correction right now, what does it say about you? In other words, if I were to interview the person who corrected you last week and ask what they thought of you after they corrected you, what do you think they would say? How would they describe you? Were you open? Was there a wall that went up? Were you defensive? Were you angry? Were you self-centered, or were you open and thankful for them taking the time and the risk and the chance to be a part of your life? You can build the relationship with your response, or you can tear it down. Listen, the way you receive criticism, this is so important, you might even want to pull over on this one, the way you receive criticism will teach your friend.

that you are open to correction or they have made a huge mistake and that you are going to show them they better never go down this road again. My response will set boundaries even further out. Not the way to go. Trust me, that's not the way to go. So the way that you receive criticism is going to say to your friend. I value your friendship. I value your observation. Or it's going to put a lot of space between you. And you're going to teach them a lesson. You never call me on the carpet on that particular topic. You have nothing. You have no input in my life in that area. And they'll know, they'll know on the other side of that attempt, don't ever go down that road again. And you know what happens in your relationship? It's weakened. It's weakened. It really is.

Okay, so here's what we may have been listening for the whole time. Here's some advice on how to receive criticism, okay? Number one, consider the person who is criticizing you. Do they love you? Do they know your story, your background? Do they have your eternal good in mind? I kind of have a filter that I run criticism through, and I always ask myself right away, does the person really know me?

Now, that doesn't mean they're not right, but I'm trying to figure out what do they know about? me, especially if it was the intention of my heart. Do they understand my background or my story, what I've been through? Does a person really know me? And do they love me? Do they really care about me? Or is it just a comment that they're getting off their chest? And that can be valid too. So don't get me wrong. But that's something to consider, do they know me? Do they love me? Number two, is there anything of what they are saying that could be true? Is there anything of what they're saying that could be true? We'll talk about this in a moment when we take it to the Lord, but is there anything when they

come up and they tell you something or wrote you a letter? And is there anything of what they are saying that could be true? And how did they communicate it to you? Was it on a tweet in front of everybody? Was it standing up at a meeting and making what you thought was a fool of you? Or was it done in gentleness in private? Was it done in a way that you would want to criticize somebody else or to give direction to somebody else. Remember that the criticism is from their perspective. They may have heard you say something that means one thing from where they grew up. Words mean different things to different cultures. I remember one time I was in England, in Walsingham, England of all places. And there was a bunch of us in this house,

Bishop and some other people, and the lady of the home asked if there was anything I could do for her, and I asked if she could please iron my pants. And everybody in the room kind of went, I don't know for that appropriate, and some of the soul and say, how can you even say that? And I'm like, well, what did I say? And they took me to the side and said, my dear, pants are underwear. Oh, I said, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. So somebody judged and said, well, just running around England talking about his underwear.

Well, I didn't know that. You know, there was a cultural difference there. So if you ever go to England, do not, I repeat, do not ask for your underwear to be ironed. And the way you would say that is, please iron my pants. You don't want to do that. So you have to ask yourself, are they right? Is there anything what they're saying that could be true? Are they right?

If so, you have a wonderful opportunity. to change. Your ego isn't what's on the line here, but becoming more like Jesus. Keep the goal in mind. Keep the goal in mind. Is there anything of what they are saying that could be true? You know, Paul talks about this. He talks about it and Peter talks about it and in the scriptures. Paul says to the Thessalonians in 1st Thessalonians 521, he says, test everything. Hold fast to what is good. that is an that's an important verse right there test everything and then and then be mature enough to hold fast to what is good you know if they said something that's right hold fast to it being right is not the goal of all of this but being virtuous and holy and more like Jesus

number three slow your response down slow your response down be quick to hear this is what james says in james chapter one versus 1920 i'll throw this one into he says he says be quick to hear and slow to speak oh is that gold he said this you know my beloved brethren but let everyone be quick to hear slow to speak and slow to anger for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of god now that's just chalk filled with wisdom right there isn't it when we are criticized in whatever way it might be slow your response down be quick to hear hear it out Don't break in. Don't butt in.

Don't butt in. Don't but you know, but you weren't. That is not going to accomplish anything. Trust me, it's just not. After 40 years of doing this, I can tell you it will not accomplish what you wanted, which hopefully is the righteousness of God, as James said. Number four, give a gentle response. A gentle response. Proverbs 151 says, a soft answer turns away wrath.

A soft answer turns away wrath. Whatever you're going to do and however you're going to respond, Give it a gentle response. Give it a gentle response. Let your speech be seasoned with love. You got to admit, sometimes when people criticize you, they have seasoned it with hot chili peppers. Don't you do that?

Season it with love. And if you find yourself giving critique, it's good to remember what Paul said in Galatians 6.1. He said, brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Look to yourself lest you too be tempted. And number five, ask for clarification. You might ask for examples or ask them for help

and how you might change your words or your actions. What would they suggest? Thank them and ask them, you know, for examples and how you might change. And listen, by doing this, this is important, by doing this, you change the critique into a conversation. that's good you change the critique into a conversation a conversation is much easier to handle than being a human dartboard you can grow in a conversation can't you you can participate

there's a there's a give and take and so ask for clarification get some more information don't just listen to what they said and just receive it like a dartboard enter into a conversation with with them you know if you need some time to think about this before you respond let them know and number six take it to the lord in prayer take it to the lord in prayer test whether it's true thank them and let them know that you will take this to prayer you appreciate the time they took to share with you and listen to this you also appreciate the risk they took that might not have been easy for them to write what they wrote it you know sometimes i think we we think that when we receive criticism in email or a text or somebody says can i talk to you for a minute

we somehow think that it was really, really easy for them to do it. And I found that it's not so much. You know, if I give critique to someone, it's kind of with fear and trembling. And I hope I don't ruin the relationship. They may feel the same way. So look at the example of Jesus. It says in 1st Peter 2.23, speaking of Jesus, it says when he was reviled, he did not revile in return. When he suffered, he did not threaten.

but he trusted to him who judges justly. And so God, listen, God has the final word. They don't, and you don't, but God does. God has the final word. You have to be mature enough to take it to the Lord, seek truth, and mature enough to say, Lord, is this true? Now, you have to remember in conclusion here, you got to remember where your identity is found.

Okay? It is not found in other people's opinions of you. That's not where your identity is in people's opinion of you or your work. Criticism can be helpful in terms of growing and becoming more effective as a Christian to be sure, but your identity is something else completely. You cannot confuse your identity in Christ with performance. You cannot confuse your identity in Christ with a text or a letter or something that you just said off the cover. you are a daughter of God, but maybe you need to be corrected. You are a son of God, but maybe you need correction as well. Needing correction does not change who you are. Your identity is in Christ. It's bigger than you. It's bigger than you. Remember that when you are corrected as a result of criticism, you aren't the only one who will benefit. This is not just between you and the person who's offering critique, you're not the only one who's going to benefit. Your family will benefit. If those people that are offering critique are right and you respond to it correctly,

your family will benefit. Your parish will. Your work will. Everyone's going to benefit. It's not a battle of egos. Growth in this area is beneficial to everyone in your life. Thank God that someone had the nerve slash. love to take a chance with you. I've been corrected several times and the correction changed my

life in a big way. So, helpful criticism is actually an opportunity to change. Isn't that good news today? Helpful criticism is actually an opportunity to change. That's what you've been going for. The conclusion has never been about being just right, but it's about change. and criticism doesn't need to be 100% accurate for it to be valid. If there's some truth in it, that's what you need. That's what you want to go for. Now, I'd love to hear from you because I know, sure as I'm sitting here, I'm deep in the woods of Minnesota and these deep woods looking at a lake right now,

I know that there's something in this podcast that must have resonated at some level. And I'd love to hear from you. If you can write me the Jeffcaven show at ascensionpress.com, that's the Jeffcaven show, one word. At ascensionpress.com, I'd love to hear from you. And I'd like to hear how this might have helped you. And again, you can go to Apple or Google Play, Spotify, any other place, and put your notes in the today's show on how this might have helped you. Who knows it might help somebody else since they are Googling for help in being criticized. Let me pray for you. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Lord, I love my friend.

And I thank you, Lord, for my brother, for my sister. And I lift them up to you now. And I know, Lord, that criticism is so hard to deal with sometimes. I pray, Lord, for my friend that you would give them the courage and strength to truly, truly investigate the criticism that's been leveled at them. And I pray, Lord, that they would look to the ultimate goal of change in you, rather than just to be right. I pray, Lord, that the relationship between them and the one that was criticizing them would be brought up to a new level as a result of their response. May you be

glorified, Lord, in how we deal with criticism in our lives. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen. Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. I love you, my friend. I have no criticism here. You are a great friend, and I really look forward to being with you next week.