The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - I Forgive Who You Forgive

Episode Date: May 1, 2026

How do we forgive the people who have hurt our loved ones? Drawing from Second Corinthians and Gospel of Matthew, Jeff unpacks St. Paul’s striking statement—“I forgive whom you forgive���—and reveals how harboring secondhand offenses can quietly entrap our hearts. Email us with comments or questions at [e-mail]. Text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to subscribe and get Jeff’s shownotes delivered straight to your email! Or visit https://media.ascensionpress.com/?s=&page=2&category%5B0%5D=Ascension%20Podcasts&category%5B1%5D=The%20Jeff%20Cavins%20Show for full shownotes!

This podcast is brought to you by Ascension. To discover even more free Catholic podcasts, videos, and resources, to help you live your faith every day, visit ascensionpress.com. Welcome to the Jeff Kaven Show, where we talk about the Bible, discipleship, and evangelization, putting it all together in living as activated disciples. This is show 480. I forgive who you forgive. my friend, thank you for joining me this week, as we're going to talk a little bit about forgiveness, a theme that we have visited over the years many times, many times because, well, people have to forgive many times. And we're going to see that in the show today. I want to share with you some scripture that I think will be really, really helpful to you and also give you the

solution to a problem that often arises, particularly in marriage and among friendships. And what I'm going to be talking about today is also incredibly applicable to high school students who find themselves picking up a bad attitude about somebody else who has offended them. So we're going to be talking about that. If you like the show notes, they're yours absolutely free. All you got to do is text my name with one word. It's Jeff Kaven's and you can text it to the number 33777.7. The notes today will be well worth it. And you can take them on into your week and apply them to your life next week. I'm sure that all of us have had one time or another where we were offended by something that somebody did to someone we love. Kind of an unusual situation, but when you think about it, it's actually very, very common. So let's get into it this week, shall we? You know, there's so many situations that can come up where we pick up somebody else's affront. We

I'll give you a hypothetical. I'm not pointing to anything in particular, nothing happened that I'm hinting at or anything like that, but I'll use it as an example. Emily and I have been married for 48 years, and over that time, of course, you get very close, and you love one another, cherish one another, but you also protect one another. And there is a tendency that if Emily was hurt by someone, I would be hurt by someone. And if someone did something to hurt Emily, well, it could. result in a lot of work up ahead. What do I mean by that? Well, what I mean is that if somebody did something, said something to Emily that hurt her, it would naturally hurt me as her husband. But what if she forgave them? What if she released them? What if she exercised mercy and kindness? And she said to

them, I forgive you. I release you. I'm not going to hold this against you. But I didn't. Now, that's where we would get into some serious trouble. She forgives, but I don't. And so it's oftentimes in marriage or with friendships in high school, your best friend is hurt by someone and you got upset about it. They forgave the person that hurt them, but you did not. It's kind of a team effort, isn't it? It's a two-fer. So I want to talk to you a little bit about that today. And I want to start with what Paul said to the Corinthians. Now, by way of introduction, the Corinthians. Paul wrote two letters, first and second Corinthians, and he talks an awful lot about love. He talks a lot about how we're the body of Christ and how we treat each other is a witness to the world. Well, in 2 Corinthians chapter 2, he gives them a message and he says this, now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure, not to put it too severely, to all of you. For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough.

So you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. For this is why I wrote that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything. Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his designs.

Now, that is powerful, isn't it? And Paul is basically saying there that if anyone whom you forgive, he says, I'm going to forgive them. And if I don't forgive them, he's basically saying, I'm outwitted by who? Not by the person that offended my friend, not the one who hurt my wife, but I'm outwitted by Satan. For we are not ignorant of his ways. Very powerful, very, very powerful word for you today. Now, let's look into this area of unforgiveness for a moment. And I do have a story from the Bible. I want to read to you that I think will be quite helpful. Starting off with, John said in John 1633, these things I have spoken to you,

that in me you may have peace in the world. You have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world. You know that term tribulation there, in the Greek, means literally a being pulled apart on the inside. You're out of sorts, disintegrated. You feel you're just not yourself. And there's a division in your soul in that area.

years ago there was a priest. I believe he was in Cincinnati. I think he headed up the couple to couple league. Father Lauer, he once said something that I thought was very, very powerful. He said, when I was first ordained a priest, I believed that over 50% of all problems were due to unforgiveness. And after 10 years in ministry, he said, I revised my estimate and maintained at 75 to 80% of all health, marital family and financial problems came from unforgiveness. And then he goes on to say, now after almost 20 years in ministry, I have concluded that over 90% of all problems are rooted in unforgiveness. So that makes for a very good show today knowing that there's only 10% maybe of your problems that this particular show doesn't apply to.

So the ability to forgive someone, number one, it's a gift from God. It is a gift from God. God gives you the ability in forgiving other people and the people that hurt your loved ones. He's given you the opportunity to maintain harmony, both with God and your home and with the people on the outside who hurt you. Now, this is whether you are single or married. If you're single, you have friends. You might have a roommate. So we have to be aware that in our relationships with people and what people do to the loved ones that are close to us, we just might step into a trap with unforgiveness. And that harmony will be going to guarantee it because this is what the enemy specializes in. Many times we become offended, which leads to unforgiveness, work or home, family, your neighbor, extended family, perhaps that happens a lot. It's interesting that if you take a look at a mouse trap, for example, most of us have used a mouse trap. You have that little metal bar that is brought back.

And then there's a little piece of metal that sets the trap. That little piece of metal then has a piece of what on it? Well, something that's going to be attractive. And typically for a mouse, mice like on their menu, they like cheese. so you put a piece of cheese on that little piece of metal, that arm on the trap. Do you know what that arm is called in Greek? It's called the Scandalon. And you're right, it's what we get the word scandalized from.

We get scandalized. It's a trap. And so an offended person is the one who takes the bait and they are trapped. Now, a trap is twofold. One, it doesn't look like a trap for the one it's intended for. and number two, it's stronger than the one it's intended for. So once you're trapped, you're trapped and you need help. And the only way you can get help is to allow the Lord who is stronger than the trap to release you and set you free. Very, very important point right there. Now, the story in the

Bible that I typically like to go to, and I think it's very powerful, is found in Matthew chapter 18. So let me read this kind of walk through it with you a little bit. And then on the other side of the break, we'll talk about some things that we can do here. So Matthew 1821, then Peter came up and said to Jesus, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me? And I forgive him, as many as seven times. And Jesus said to him, I do not say to you seven times, but 70 times seven, which pause for a moment is a Hebraic way of saying forever. as many times as you need to forgive someone. Then he goes on and says, therefore, the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the reckoning, one was brought to him who owed him 10,000 talents. And as he could not pay, his Lord ordered him to be sold with his wife and children and all that he had and payment to be

made. And that servant fell on his knees, imploring, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay you everything. Now, pause there. Do you know what 10,000 talents is worth? In the economy back then, that would have been 150,000 years of wages. That is a long, long time. Let's be honest about it. It's impossible. It's impossible. But out of pity for him, the Lord of that servant blessed him and forgave him the debt. But then that same servant, listen to this. That same servant, servant as he went out came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denari and seizing him by the throat he said, pay what you owe. So his fellow servant fell down as he did and besought him as he did. Have patience with me and I will I will pay you. But here's the key. He refused and went

and put him in prison till he should pay the debt. Now unfortunately, for this guy, who was forgiven the 150,000 years of wages, when his fellow servant saw what he had taken place. Man, they were greatly distressed. They went and they reported to their Lord everything that took place. Well, you know, the response of the Lord of that particular enterprise. Then his Lord summoned him and said to him, you wicked servant, I forgave you all.

that debt because you besought me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you? Now listen to this. And in anger, his Lord delivered him to the jailers till he should pay all of his debt. But that's the end of the story. It really is. That's the end of the story. And if that was just simply the end of the story, we could use that for teaching Sunday school. we could teach your children, and, you know, and it's a nice lesson, isn't it? But the entire reading isn't over. The very last verse says this and get a hold of this. Jesus said to his disciples,

so also my Heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. Wow. That is very very important. very, very powerful. You see, the verdict that we pass on to others is passed on to us. For in the way that you judge, it says in Matthew 7, 2, I'll put it in the notes, for in the way you judge, you will be judged, and by your standard of measure, it shall be measured to you. Now, talking about this topic today, if my wife is hurt and I'm hurt because she's hurt,

and she forgives someone and I don't. Well, that judgment is passed on to me. I picked up her offense. I'm carrying it now. It's like COVID to the 10th power. So that's really important that we see that the verdict we pass on to others is passed onto us. And also, unforgiveness cuts off grace.

It is poison. Mark 1125. And whenever you stand praying, forgive. if you have anything against anyone. It doesn't matter if they did it to you, or if they did that to your wife or your children, so that your father also, who is in heaven, may forgive you your transgressions.

And then listen to this. When they talk about how this man was turned over to the jailers, that word is also used for tortures. Tortured by unforgiveness. Just pause for a moment there. Is that you today? Is that what you're going through today? Tortured, fear, depression, frustration, anxiety, self-hatred, loneliness. We deteriorate. We deteriorate to a level of existence characterized by fruitlessness, compulsiveness,

in escapist activities. You want to know a truth? That's what happens when people get caught in sin, particularly the sin of unforgiveness. Going to take a break on the other side of this break. We're going to talk about how do we go about doing this, uncoupling ourselves from the hurt that our loved ones were hurt with. You're listening to the Jeff Kaven show. So often during mass, we can go on autopilot. We are physically there, but mentally we're somewhere else.

We're distracted, we're bored, or we're just, going through the motions. A lot of Catholics think that the problem's them. They might say, oh, I'm bad at prayer. I'm just not spiritual enough. But we want to realize is that at every mass, something extraordinary is taking place in our souls. That's why Dr. Ed Schree and I co-wrote a book on the Mass called

Pocket Guide to the Mass. And in the book, we walk through the Mass, step by step, explaining what the Mass is, what's happening, why we say what we say, do what we do, and how we can more deeply enter into the sacrifice the Mass and more fully received the gift of the Eucharist. It's a simple, faithful, and small enough guide to bring with you at every mass. And if you want to understand the mass more deeply and pray it more intentionally,

I'd like you to check out pocket guide to the mass at ascensionpress.com. Welcome back. We're talking about this whole idea of I forgive who you forgive, as Paul said. And the analogy that I was using is that if Emily was hurt by someone, I could be hurt. She forgives. I don't. It's my problem now.

But here's the deal as Christians, and this you can put into your life today. You know, this can be over the weekend, next week. Let's look at this and how this works, okay? Because you really need to put this into practice. Once I realize that I'm caught in the trap, the only way is to get out of it. Now, the first thing I would say to you, because we are sacramental people, we've been given the blessing of the sacraments, which is an encounter with Jesus. Jesus is the one that's stronger than the trap. When you go to confession, confess it.

Be honest about it. Own up. Act like a big boy. Act like a big girl. And say, I got caught in this. I can't believe I did it. But I am caught. And I'm not sure how to get out of it.

So as you go to confession, confess that as sin. You see, Jesus paid the price for all sin. And he sets the example for all. all sin. There's not another way to deal with this, you know, other than forgiveness. It doesn't wear out. You know, it doesn't fade away. It doesn't just dissipate into your inner life to where you don't think about it anymore because you've got so many things on your mind and your your schedule is so busy. It will lay dormant under the surface and it'll affect your relationships. And more importantly, it'll affect your relationship with the Lord. Unforgiven sin is a virus, and its end, as James says, is death.

And you know, when we walk in unforgiveness, we try to exact a price for the offense, don't we? They need to do this. They need to pay back. They need to make restitution. They need to go on the X and tell everybody what they did. And we absolutely disregard the powerful spiritual work of the cross. And we say to Jesus, as he says on the cross, it is finished. We say, no, no, Lord. A lot of things are finished, but this one's not. And I myself will have to adjudicate it. And I will have to settle this. And by the way, I will be the judge and the executioner of the person that hurt my wife or hurt my kids or my best friend. You want to pound of their flesh. But here's the deal. If you get a pound of their flesh, it wouldn't satisfy anyway, would it? We think we are punishing the other person by being silent, by canceling them, by taking them off of our ex-feed or off of Instagram, whatever it might be, but really you're only hurting yourself and you're hurting the families involved. The blood of Jesus is stronger than the trap. So we don't want to get into this attitude of

you can do, I can do better. We don't get into that. But anyone you forgive, I can forgive. I forgive who you forgive. That's what Paul taught. That's what Jesus teaches. And he means it. He absolutely means it. Remember the last words in that parable in Matthew 18. So also my heavenly father will do to every one of you. Do what? In prison. Hand it over to the jailers. you got a choice to make. Is it really worth it? Do you really think you're going to solve this issue by holding them at bay, holding them hostage, refusing to love, refusing to show mercy? Absolutely not. It's a no-win situation if you proceed outside of God's amazing forgiveness. So what I would encourage you this week to do is if this is you, if this is something that

is really got a hold of you, go to confession and confess it. But then, and this is a little way that I remember these things, once that comes back up into your mind, remind yourself, I release them, I let them go. I'm not expecting anything from them that will make this better because it won't. And if it did, then Jesus wouldn't have had to come. He wouldn't have had to go to the cross to forgive you of all of your sin. All the sin that you're aware of and all the sin that no one else is aware of. He did it for you. And so I would encourage you three things. One, don't rehearse this when you are free. Let go. And by the way, forgive. is not an emotional thing. It's a decision of love. It is a decision of the heart. You have agency.

You have custody of your soul. Do it. Do it. Don't make excuses. Don't rehearse this afterwards over and over and over. Don't curse this over and over and over. And you know what? Don't nurse it. So don't rehearse it. Don't curse it. And don't nurse it going forward. In fact, I would recommend you do something kind for that person and let your loved one, your best friend know, you forgave, I'm going to forgive. And let them see it not only on your face, but in your joy, in the things you say, the comments you make, the looks you give. Let him know, I'm entering into your joy of forgiveness. what a horrible thing to do is to see them forgiving someone and the joy of that, but refusing to enter into that joy in that ministry of forgiveness yourself.

Okay? So remember what Paul said. I forgive who you forgive. Let's pray. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. Lord Jesus, we thank you and we love you. We thank you so much for the forgiveness that you have extended to. us. And Lord, we take it all, all of it, every bit of it, every ounce of it, and give glory to you.

Lord, help us to extend that forgiveness to those who have heard our loved ones, our best friend at school, whoever it may be. Lord, we want to enter into that joy. We want to enter into that life. We want to enter into that area of living where we are free and not trapped any longer. In Jesus' name, amen. Well, God bless you and carry this message on. Share it with other people. God bless you. We will talk to you next week.