The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - Recognizing Core Wounds and How to Heal

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

Jeff gives an overview of the four types of core wounds. He explains the lies that we believe, how they impact our relationships and behaviors, and concludes with a few simple steps we can take to start the healing process. Disclaimer: Jeff Cavins is not a psychologist, but shares these observations on suffering based on his time serving and helping people during his years as a pastor. These are general observations on the symptoms of suffering and basic recommendations for ways to begin healing. Snippet from the Show When suffering from a core wound, the most important first step is identifying it. Then, you can invite God to help you start the healing process. Email us with comments or questions at [e-mail]. Text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to subscribe and get Jeff’s shownotes delivered straight to your email! Or visit ascensionpress.com/thejeffcavinsshow for full shownotes!

Welcome to the Jeff Kaven Show, where we talk about the Bible, discipleship, and evangelization, putting it all together in living as activated disciples. This is Show 254, recognizing core wounds and how to heal. Well, thank you again for joining me. Wow, we got a great, great show. I believe that with all my heart. A great show today. where we're going to be talking about core wounds, and we're going to look at maybe some things that have happened in our own lives, and it might provide an answer as to why we do exactly what we do. More about that in just a moment, but I do have to let you know that coming up on February 18, 19, 20, Father Mike Schmitz and I are doing a virtual Bible in a year conference where we are wrapping up this last year, celebrating the new year, and we're going to get together with

people all around the country. Father Mike and I will be together and we're going to be giving a number of talks from the 18th through the 20th. We're going to have some Q&A sessions. I'm looking forward to that. We're going to hear some testimonies from you around the country in what Bible in a year has done in your life, what's happened in your heart. And it's limited seating. It's limited seating. So I want to encourage you to jump on that. There's going to be four main sessions beginning Friday night, then ending on Sunday afternoon. And each session is going to explore a different dimension of continuing a life immersed in the Word of God. And each session will include a presentation either by Father Mike or myself. And there's going to be an opportunity for

fellowship. So if you are interested, then you have to go to ascensionpress.com forward slash Bible in a year. And you can get that in the show notes also. And if you don't get the show notes. Well, get the show notes. The show notes come to you simply by typing my name, Jeff Kavins, and you can text it to the number 3377. Kind of an easy biblical number. Now, as I talk today with you about some of these core wounds that some of us struggle with, you know, I want to remind you that, and I hope to say something at the end if I remember, but I do have a book called When You Suffer. And you can go to my website, jeffcavens.com. and under resources, and you can get that book.

When You Suffer. It's a book about how to deal with the suffering in our lives. How do we offer up our suffering to Jesus? So, all right, clear the table. Have you noticed that you do things that you don't want to do? And the things you want to do, you don't do. Well, let's talk about that today, shall we? As we explore core wounds in our life and the source of,

healing. So we find in our lives, and by the way, what I'm going to share with you about these four core wounds, I think I do struggle a little bit with some of it myself. And so that's probably how I got interested in this. That's full disclosure. But in the midst of our daily lives, we meet people. We do things at work or at home in the neighborhood. We observe, we think, but oftentimes we are completely unaware that there's actually a script of woundedness running in the background in our lives. A script that affects our minds. It affects our hearts and the decisions that we make. And it affects how we treat people, whether it's in your marriage or your children or at work. And we sit back and we're a little uncomfortable

thinking, man, I just wish I didn't act that way. Why am I so defensive? Why am I so hurt when so-and-so says something at the board meeting or whatever it might be. Well, a couple disclosures here. Number one, I'm not a psychologist, nor do I pretend to be. I was a pastor, however, for 12 years, and I worked with a lot of people. What I'm going to share with you today is broad observations of people who are suffering. It's symptoms, if you will. And number two, when we talk about four core wounds, I'm not suggesting that everyone has a wound. wound. So you don't have to listen to these wounds like a menu, you know, wondering, hmm, which one am I going to take there? Because you might not have any of them. Be honest with

yourself. I am asking that you be open to healing in your life if you notice some things that I'm talking about today. Four core wounds. Each wound speaks different lies that we believe and vows made which are tailored to keep us bound and unheeled. But recognizing your wounds will shed light on why we do what we do. Now, I'm not saying that we all have these wounds. I said that earlier. I want to say it again. That's up to you to identify. I can identify what's going on in my heart and you can identify what's happening in your own heart. I have noticed patterns in my own life, to be honest with you and have had to address them. And I would encourage you to be open to negative wounds in your life and be prepared to take action.

You see, when God sees sin, he sees pain in us. Famous quote by St. Julian of Norwich. I love that. That's when God sees sin, he sees pain in our lives. Now, some general questions here before we get into these four. Number one, what do you believe in your heart? about yourself. What do you believe in your heart about yourself? We'll put that in the category of lies because we're talking about wounds here. We're talking about lies. What do you believe in your

heart about yourself that is actually a lie? Number two, what do you believe in your heart about others? That's not true. That's called a judgment. What do you believe in your heart about your spouse, about your children, about your brother-in-law, your sister-in-law, your boss, and it's not true, but it's a judgment. You believe certain things about yourself, which are lies, and believe certain things about other people, and it's a judgment. Now, have you managed the lies in the judgments or sought to silence them with vows that we take? A lot of us get into that that problem, don't we? We believe these lies about ourselves or these judgments about other people, and then we swear vows silently to ourselves that I will and then fill in the blank. We're seeking

to silence these lies. But here's the truth, and that is that it is only the light of the truth, Jesus Christ, that can really cast light on these lies about ourselves or judgments against other people. He can cast his light on that so that we really can't take care of these things. And the way we take care of them is through Jesus Christ. And so as I list off these four, I'm going to also tell you just a verse or two about how Jesus meets the need here. Again, this is not an in-depth look. This is a kind of a cursory look at these four general wounds that I didn't make up. A lot of good counselors will use this to help their close. clients. Number one, the number one core wound, okay, is rejection. It's rejection. And when we talk

about rejection, we're talking about whether that happened when we were children or in college or in your marriage or by your parents, whatever it might be, there is a deep sense of rejection in your life. And there's actions of self-concealment or overplaying to one's strengths. One of the things that counselors notice about people who are struggling with a deep wound of rejection in their life is a need for attention. It's a need for attention that I have been rejected by many people and I want to make sure that I have someone's attention, a negative awareness. And people will say things to themselves because of this wound, things like, I do not count. I am overlooked. now just pausing on this first one to kind of illustrate what I'm talking about here

do you feel like that a lot this negative awareness I really don't count and I'm overlooked nobody even knows I'm here really it's just a deep wound of rejection in your life now you're the only one that can fill in why that might have happened you know with what happened when you were a kid or happen in high school or your first couple of jobs or whatever it might be but there just might be a deep bruise in your life life, and a sense of rejection. We have lies believed, and the lies that are believed for each one of these are interesting. For rejection, the lie that's believed is, I am not important.

I'm not important. I have no value. I'm not desired. Now, if you're running those scripts in the back of your thinking, then I want you to know that there just might be a core wound in your life of rejection. oftentimes vows are made. In each one of these core wounds, there's negative awareness, there's lies believed, there's vows made. And so with rejection, the negative awareness is, I do not count, I am overlooked, the lies believed, I'm not important. I have no value. I'm not desired. And the vows that are made are things like this. I will never, ever let myself be rejected by anyone

again. I will meet everyone's needs. That's also another, another little self-vow that we make. You know, I'm not going to get into a place where I'm going to be rejected, so I'm going to make sure that everyone else's needs are met. I'm going to please them so that I'll be liked and needed. Wow, if you see yourself in that situation right there, it's good to identify it to say, you know what, Jeff, that is me. And I do think that about myself. And I do believe that lie that you mentioned about I'm not desired. And you know what? The vows that you mentioned, I think I'm doing those. I think I'm doing those. But here's the truth about this. Now, again, this is not meant to be just reading a verse and like, hey, boom, it's all taken care of. And aren't you glad you

listen to the show today. No, not at all. When we talk about rejection, rejection sometimes takes some time to sink in and it takes some time to believe the right thing and to look to the Lord for healing in your life and to be aware that, yes, maybe mom and dad weren't perfect, maybe your siblings or your boss wasn't perfect. But when we allow imperfect people around us to define who we are and allow that wound to fester in our life, the end is not real good or for the people who are around you. But listen to what Jesus said here on this core wound of rejection. Jesus said in John 637, and I'll put it in the show notes, everything that the Father gives me will come to me and I will not reject anyone who comes to me. So you see, if you have gone through

rejection in your life and you're set up for more and you're saying you know what i i i um it's not going to happen anymore i'm going to just just make sure that i'm a people pleaser and everyone that that i'm working with is going to be so happy with me deep inside you know that's really not the kind of life i want to live know this that god will not reject you jesus doesn't reject you and it's because of his tenacity his love his covenant faithfulness that we can run into his arms that in knowing he won't reject us, but he will love us and he will heal us. And I encourage you to run to him today. The second core wound that I want to talk about after rejection, the second one is abandonment.

This is a strong one. Abandonment. And oftentimes this is the sense of abandonment. We respond to this abandonment with actions of self-indulgence or self-medication to comfort ourselves. We're not alone. Just like rejection, what do we do? Actions of self-concealment or overplaying our strengths. We need attention. Abandonment is self-indulgence and self-medicating. That's how we oftentimes respond to abandonment. And there is a need, just like with rejection, the need was for attention. In abandonment, the need is for affection, affection.

So the negative awareness that comes into play here when we are struggling with abandonment is I am not connected. I am not loved. There's nobody that I'm connected with. There's nobody that I'm a significant other and I'm not loved. You know that we are struggling with a whole population today in America in the modern era of loneliness. And loneliness is, you know, Mother Teresa talked about this. she calls it almost a disease, you know, in our culture today. And you would have thought that social media would have taken care of this,

but no, it's got worse, it's worse, abandonment, abandonment. And how many people now are having children and they're living in the same house, but the kids feel abandoned. Parents are not engaged with them. The dad is playing video games and mom's doing whatever, but they feel abandoned. And the lies that are believed about this, the negative awareness is, I'm not connected. I'm not loved.

The lies that are believed about people who are struggling with abandonment and that wound is, I'm all alone. No one understands. Nobody cares. That's the lie that's believed because of the wound. And people make vows in this situation. Like, here's one, well, I've heard this before. You know, and I told you earlier, I've counseled so many people over the years and you start to notice the patterns.

And the person who is struggling with abandonment is saying things like, you know what? I'll never get close to anyone again. I'll never get close to anyone again. Or I have to grasp for my needs. I've got to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I've got to get the job done myself. And I will fill my emptiness with food, sex, drugs, or work.

Yeah. That's how people respond to abandonment. So you see, rejection is a wound. abandonment and be a wound oftentimes people who who have children who were adopted will come face to face with this wound of abandonment feeling like I was I was given away I was abandoned right and you can say well honey no you weren't you were loved twice and that's true but deep down inside there still might be that that wound that says I'm not ever getting close to anyone again and sometimes people who struggle with abandonment have a difficult time finding someone to get married to.

But listen to the truth here for just a second. Jesus, John chapter 14 and verse 18. Jesus says, I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you. I love what Hebrews 13.5 says. It'll be in the notes. Stay on the road. Keep your life free from the love of money. and be content with what you have, for he has said,

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Now listen, I know that wound, and I know what's happening in your thoughts that you're not connected, you're alone, you're no one loves you, and the lies that no one understands you, you're all alone. And you're not going to let this happen again. That's not going to happen. But open your heart to Jesus, who says, I'll not leave you.

I'll not leave you. I'll not forsake you. And it's in that love that brings you in, that faithful love of God, that's where your healing is going to be found. It's in Jesus. There's not a pill for this, but Jesus, Jesus love can heal. We've got two more of these, and we're going to get to those right after the break. Hey, thanks for joining me.

This is The Jeff Kaven Show. What if you could see that the infinite God is present in your life? What if it was as simple as stopping, opening your heart, and allowing yourself to be found? I'm Danielle Bean, an author, speaker, and host of the Girlfriend's Podcast. In my new book, Whisper, Finding God in the Every Day, I share wisdom from the saints, real-life experiences, and prayer practices that help you to see, know, and grow closer to God in your everyday life. life, no matter how busy you are. If you've ever been inspired by stories of great saints but wondered where that leaves the rest of us, this book is for you. In it, we explore how we meet God

in joy, pain, other people, prayer, and in the awesome gift of the sacraments. Join me on this journey of letting go, being still, and allowing God to meet us right here, right now, right where we are. Order your copy of Whisper, Finding God in the Every Day at ascensionpress.com. all right uh you're back and maybe it's because the first two didn't apply to you and you think well maybe three or four hey we're talking about core wounds in our life and number one is abandonment and that is a real strong one uh number one rather is rejection then abandonment those are the first two that we were talking about before the break and we want to move on to the third one and the third one affects a lot of people and sometimes people can struggle with a couple of these

things but this third one it has a lot to do with what you think of yourself in terms of being effective or getting things done it is a core wound that the counselors would call helplessness helplessness you got rejection abandonment and helplessness and oftentimes the this The reaction here is one of a feeling of self-hatred, angry with yourself, the feeling of being helpless. You should know better. You should have, by this time, fill in the blank. And oftentimes accompanying this sense of helplessness is a need for approval, a need for

approval, a deep need for approval. So what's the negative awareness when we're talking about helplessness? And by the way, just pause for a second. have you ever felt helpless? I have. I think feeling helpless from time to time is kind of the human condition, right? Just feel helpless. You know, I don't know what to do and I don't think I have the skill and I'm not competent. But it can get to the point where this wound confesseder and it really colors your life and the way you work and the way you treat other people. So the negative awareness and helplessness is I am not competent. I'm not competent. I'm not

competent. Or try this one on, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. And people who talk about you know, not being good enough, well, you don't think I'm good enough, do you? You're saying I'm incompetent, aren't you? That's what you're really saying, aren't you? You know, that's that negative awareness. And what you're saying is, you think I'm helpless, don't you? You think I'm pathetic. Well, welcome to the party because I'm at the party and I think that about myself too. That's what we usually say. So the negative awareness is, I am not competent and I'm not good enough. And then the lies that are believed here are things like, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. It's paralyzing.

People might say, I don't know what to do. I can't change it. You ever heard that one before? I just can't change it. Or I am a failure. I feel trapped. I feel trapped. And everyone on the outside who's watching you is thinking, that guy, that girl, man, they got their life put together. I mean, they're the real deal. And you're thinking, I'm a failure. I'm a failure.

And I can't change it. That's the thing is that these were the cards that were dealt me. I'm helpless. But out of that lie comes vows oftentimes in helplessness. And that vow is, I will prove myself. I'm going to prove myself. I'm not going to fail. I'm going to prove myself. I'm not going to fail. I will never, ever show weakness again.

You know anybody like that? No. Buck up guy. Men don't cry. Never going to show weakness again. I'm going to be the Christian version of John Wayne. Never going to show weakness at all, Pilgrim. So people make these vows, I'll prove myself. If I will not fail, I will never show weakness. But you know what the answer to that is? As we get on every one of these, the answer is Jesus, and you know it. And Paul said it really, really clearly when he talked about helplessness in this attitude and wound of helplessness.

He said in Philippians 413, I can do all things in him who strengthens me. Isn't that beautiful? I'll stick that in the notes for you. I can do all things in him who strengthens me. And I love Isaiah chapter 40 because Isaiah chapter 40 is the beginning of the book of consolation. Isaiah is divided up into two books, basically. One through 39, a book of judgment against Israel. And then 40 on is a book of consolation, comforting Israel.

And he comes right out of the gates in chapter 40 and says, He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might, he increases strength. Even youth shall faint. Youth shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted. But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, and they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint. Isn't that beautiful?

I love that. I really like that a lot. so if you're if you are feeling helpless i want you to know the truth of the matter and the truth is what's going to set you free my friend you're not listening to this by accident maybe a friend shared this with you maybe a friend saw this what i'm saying in you and said i want to help you i want you to know the truth about this the truth is that i can do all things in christ who strengthens me i don't have to live in that lie anymore i don't have to live in that wound anymore God can heal me of that, and I can get out of that cycle of thinking that I'm not competent,

I'm not good enough, I don't know what to do, I can't change, I'm a failure, oh, I'm trapped. No, you can get out, and the truth will set you free. Now, the fourth one is a big one, and it's a funny one because I'm going to mention it to you, but people actually go to movies for this kind of thing. That fourth core wound is fear. Fear. often times a response there is a feeling of isolation we have a feeling of isolation and we counter that many times with what a need for affirmation we need to be affirmed time out there

parents parents your kids need to be affirmed so i'm not the affirming type you are now you're a Christian you got the love of God and you start affirming your children every day that my girls were growing up i prayed numbers a book in book of numbers the the ironic prayer have you ever heard of that the ironic prayer i i love that prayer every single day before they would before they would go to school i would meet them at the door and i would for the first i don't know for the first you know a few months or whatever it was i would have my bible and i would i would i would open up my Bible to that verse here. It says in Numbers chapter 6, verses 22 through 27 or 26, 22 through, that's number 6, 22 through 26. And here's what I would say. I said,

may the Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Give you shalom. I love that. I love that. It's that affirmation. Now, the negative awareness here is, I have no courage. I will have to do it myself. I'm going to do it all myself. We're afraid. The lie believed is, if I trust, if I trust someone, I'm going to get hurt, or something bad is going to happen.

And the vows that we make are, I will take all kinds of risks to show that I'm not afraid. I am not afraid. I'm a man's man. I'm not going to do anything. You know, that I can't shine in. I'm not going to take any risks because I will just get hurt. I will protect myself, build up walls around myself. I'll control the situation so I don't get hurt.

But here's the truth. Isaiah 4110 says, fear not. I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. And then, Matthew 1031, so beautiful, fear not, therefore, you are of more value than the sparrows.

So, my friend, you see here that the solution to all of these is Jesus, whether it is rejection or abandonment or helplessness or fear. The answer is in Jesus. Just like, you know, back in Genesis, when Cain and Abel, when Cain killed, able and God said, why are you angry and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must master it. So, what is important, what is important is identifying these core wounds and perhaps how they began and then address them. Now, I'm not expecting you to do all of that on today's show here today. But I would encourage you to pray about

these things and to get some counsel if you needed. Go to your pastor and talk about these things a bit. Go to confession. But number one, be honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Don't say, ah, you know, everybody does everybody. No, be honest with yourself. And then number two, take it to the Lord in confession. Bring it to the Lord. That you feel this wound in your life. And number three, identify how the Lord can heal that wound and allow him to address it and address it. I like that. Allow the Lord to address it and dress it in your life, that wound, because he wants to. and number four stay in the word of god memorize a verse for each wound that pertains to you and say to yourself i'm going to start thinking this way i'm going to accept the healing that god has for me and when you

receive the eucharist at mass you can say to yourself lord thank you that you've healed me from rejection thank you lord that you will not abandon me you will never abandon me thank you lord that with you i can do all things i'm not helpless and i'm not going to walk in fear the good news is that these wounds can be addressed. That is the good news. Wow. All right, please know that I'm praying for you, and I would ask you to pray for me.

We have a lot to live for and a lot to do. So with Jesus, with Jesus, it's a different world now that we're walking in, and I pray that God will bless you this week. My friend, have a great week. Let me pray for you real quick. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Son, and the Holy Spirit, Lord, I lift up my friend to you, and I ask you, Lord, to just, as the balm of Gilead, the medicine from heaven, Lord, just apply yourself to that wound, Lord, in their life.

And may they experience the refreshing healing of the Holy Spirit of your touch, Jesus, the great shepherd. I thank you for this, and blessed Mother Mary, pray for my friends today, I pray. In the name of the Father and the Son, in the Holy Spirit, Amen. Remember, share this with a friend that just might need to hear it. Have a great day.