The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - Tell Your Story to Your Children

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

Do your children know your story? Today, Jeff encourages parents to be vulnerable with their children and share their struggles, humiliations, and fears of their childhood. Vulnerability builds bridges of trust and gives children the freedom to also share their experience with their parents, knowing that they are loved in their brokenness. Snippet from the Show Vulnerability builds bridges of trust and gives children the freedom to also share their experience with their parents, knowing that they are loved in their brokenness. Email us with comments or questions at [e-mail]. Text “jeffcavins” to 33-777 to subscribe and get Jeff’s shownotes delivered straight to your email! Or visit ascensionpress.com/thejeffcavinsshow for full shownotes!

You're listening to the Jeff Kavens show. Episode 226. Tell your story to your children. Hey, I'm Jeff Kavans. How do you simplify your life? How do you study the Bible? All the way from motorcycle trips to raising kids, we're going to talk about the faith and life in general. It's the Jeff Kaven show. Hey, it's good to be with you once again. to you deep within the woods of Minnesota in the summertime, and so it's actually very, very beautiful right now. And as I am talking to you, literally, I am looking out the window, and there are three sets of swans, three couples, on the lake. And it is so interesting because Emily and I, we

observe these swans day in and day out. Last year, there was only two. For some reason, our lake has attracted many, many more this year. But one of the things that we do is we observe their behavior. They have their courting maneuvers and their territorial aggressiveness and so forth. And it's kind of fun, you know, to look at the birds on the lake and to try to figure them out and go online and do a little bit of study. Well, that's the swans. But, you know, I'm not here to talk to you about swans today. I'm here to talk to you about your children and your relationship with your children. And specifically, the problems that they go through and your relationship with them as they are going through the difficulties of growing up. Maybe you can think

back to your growing up years in grade school, junior high and high school. And while it now looks like a fairly short period of time, wow, was it packed with all kinds of drama, all kinds of problems, all kinds of relationships and disappointment and being rejected and not being chosen and and the list goes on and on. And as you were going through those difficulties growing up, it seemed really, really serious, didn't it? But now as an adult, you look back and you kind of chuckle a little bit and maybe there's one or two incidences that are still a little bit tender to you in your heart and might even choke you up a little bit. But by a large, those experiences back when you were growing up do not seem as serious today. And I think that

what I'd like to do is talk to you about your relationship now that you're an adult with your children who are experiencing what you once experienced. I've been doing a lot of study lately about children who are going through depression, anxiety, rejection, and how they handle it. And then I've also been studying parents who lost their children, either to drugs or suicide, and they were interviewed and asked, what would you do differently if you had that chance to have your son or daughter back in the family with you? What would you do differently? And most of them had kind of a common denominator, and that was they said, I would talk to them. And specifically, I would tell them my story that I went through what they went through. Now, you typically have about 18 years

to work with them before they become adults, and I calculated that out to 78,840 days to be in a closer relationship with them and to influence them. Now, your children live a life that is internally very hard when you ask, how are you? You know what the answer is, right? Ninety percent of the time or more, it's going to be, I'm fine, I'm fine. And that's kind of the patent answer that kids give their parents when their parents, you know, kind of feel that maybe something went on at school or they have a problem playing in the neighborhood. How are you doing? How are you doing, sweetie? How are you doing, honey? How are you doing there, dude? I'm fine. And that's where it ends typically. And I think that parents want their kids to be fine. And so many times they

accept that answer. Well, things are fine. And if they weren't fine, certainly they would tell me, wouldn't they? They would say something. And while they do give off inaudible cues, that maybe things aren't so fine, we seem to rest with. Everything is fine. Now, our kids live in two worlds, don't they? They live at school with their friends. Sometimes that's playing in the neighborhood. It might be going on a field trip or a sleepover or something like that. So they live their lives at school away from you. And then the other place that they live their lives is at home. And those kids that really go through difficult times with their schoolmates oftentimes will retreat for rest at home. Some kids don't want to

talk about what went on, but a lot goes on in the minds of your kids. It really does. I was doing some study about how the mind and the brain of a teenager develops, and it was really interesting. You know, no matter how smart your kids are, they might have scored off the charts on the SAT or the ACT test, but good judgment isn't something that can be grafted. or charted in their life, like an SAT or an ACT test. The rational part of a teen's brain really isn't fully developed until the age of 25. In fact, research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. So if you think that your teenager is going to think like you, you really have another thing coming, right? Adults think with the frontal cortex, the brain's rational part,

heart. And that part of the brain, the frontal cortex, responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. But the teen processes information differently because the frontal cortex is not fully developed. And so their judgment is not as developed as yours, and they certainly do not have a good bead on long-term consequences. As a result, they are more adventurous, and they have a tendency to take risks and to make decisions that you and I would think was dangerous, but they're like, whoa, you know, nothing can hurt me. I read a study years ago that he even said that 18 years of age was the year that they drafted young men and women because they were so indestructible at that point in their life. Well, there's a number of things that people can do, you know, with their teens that I think are really, really important. And I'm just going to go through these real quickly here.

And then I want to get into the part of telling your story to your children as they grow up as a way of building a bridge with them and sharing common frustrations and how to overcome them. But since your teen or younger, their frontal cortex is not fully developed, you can do a number of things. For example, you can discuss the consequences of their actions, and you can let them know what the long-term consequences of a decision or an attitude might be, because they don't see it the same way you do. And that's why you have been given to them as a parent. You know, way back in the Bible, in the early narrative of Abraham, the Bible tells us that God chose Abraham so that he would instruct his children. That is an amazing thing, isn't it? He chose Abraham because he wanted Abraham to instruct his children. So Abraham would tell his kids about the long-term consequences of decisions. And you can also remind your children that

they are very resilient and they are competent. And they, while they're focused on the moment right now, they can get through the situations that they're in. You see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I think another thing that's really important is to become familiar with the things that are truly important to your teens. Now, you might not like their music. You might not like the clothes that they want to wear and their friends are wearing, but it's good to become familiar with the things that are important to them. I'll talk a little bit more about this in just a few minutes. And I think another thing, and I'm kind of giving you a list that if I was to go back and to raise my three girls, I would make some changes. And one of them is that when they

come to me or Emily with a problem at school or a relationship, I would ask them if they want me to respond to them or they just want me to listen. Because one of the biggest complaints that teens have about their parents is that they don't listen. They just come up with a solution immediately, but they didn't want a solution right away. They wanted someone to listen to them and to hear them. And as you listen to your youngsters as they start to share with you the difficulties and their outlandish things that have taken place in their life, as you listen, you might gain more information about what they truly have gone through. And another thing that's important is to make sure that they get enough sleep because their brains are growing and they need that sleep. And

The combination of a teen wrestling with issues at school, along with social media till two in the morning, is a cocktail that doesn't serve them well at all. And parents have the responsibility to make sure that their children can sleep at night. That's why I heartily recommend that parents take the smartphone out of the room and charge it downstairs in the kitchen or the family room, throughout the night. I know that's not going to be real popular, but listen, you're not raising kids with popularity in mind. You're raising kids with victory, success, holiness, the beatific vision to see God one day face to face. That's what your goal is. And sometimes as parents, you've got to make the difficult decisions. Right after this break, I want to talk to you about telling your story to your teens and your youngsters as a bridge that will build a relationship where they can

understand you, they can see you for who you were, and conclude that you went through the same things I went through. How did you deal with it? Or more importantly now, how now would you deal with it and what kind of wisdom can you give them? You're listening to the Jeff Kaven show. Every one of us is made in the image of God. We are unique, worthy of love, and called to greatness. In this world, though, we can be distracted from that truth and begin to doubt God's love is real. You see, we live in a world that tells us we are not smart, attractive, thin, or rich enough. It is easy to focus on the ways we fall short of worldly perfection and forget that we are already made perfect.

We are already enough. I'm Danielle Bean, author of You Are Enough, what women of the Bible teach you about your mission and worth. You Are Enough dives into the stories of women in the Bible so that you can fully see God's plan for your life. To order, visit ascensionpress.com or Amazon. You all remember it, those growing up years. They were long, but now they're short. They were difficult, but now maybe trivial. That's not the point. The point is, what are your kids going through today? By the way, on all shows, we typically have some pretty good show notes for you. And if you are interested in the show notes for any of my shows, all you have to do is text my name,

one word, Jeff Kavens, and text it to the number 3-3777.77. Yeah, it's 3-7. So that's 3377. Okay, so we're talking about telling our story to the younger generation. We don't tell our story to our kids just to let them know, whoa, I was really something, Captain of the football team. lettered 11 times in high school or whatever it might be, you know, when we share all of the mountain top experiences with our kids, all the victories and the wonderful relationships and times we had in high school, they will look at that like Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or TikTok, and they will conclude that, man, my parents really had a good time. they don't know what's happening in my life. And so I think it's a great idea to share your story with them. Now, if I were talking to you as my son, if I were talking to you as my daughter,

I'll tell you what I would share with you, that when I was growing up, starting in elementary school, I was bullied. I was bullied, particularly in sixth and seventh grade. I made a move one day after school where my friends were teasing a girl and they knocked her down on the ground halfway home from school and thought it was funny to take her bags and try to pull her pants off of her. And I was alarmed. I knew her parents. And I came to her rescue. And I started yelling at them and pulling them off of her. I said, guys, get out of here. Don't do that to her. Stop. And they turned on me. And as a result of that in sixth and seventh grade, every day that I came home from school, I risked getting beat up. And I remember a few times, and I brought my kids to this place about 15 years ago in Minnesota. I brought them to a small walk bridge over a creek, which was the only way home. And that's where the gang of five met me. And I remember one day, you know, just curling up in the fetal position on the ground as they kicked me and hit me and looking for the breakaway, where I could run and run and run. I came home oftentimes, feeling down and discouraged and my mom, how did today go? It was fine. It was fine. Well, that, that word fine to my

parents meant fine, meant fine. But when I said fine, it was, it was cloaking a terrible, terrible repeated experience. So I got beat up. I was embarrassed in school growing up in sixth grade, and I've talked to you to you about this before, and I don't need to go into detail, but in sixth grade in a gymnasium filled with first through sixth grade students sitting down, listening to a speaker, I had to go use the bathroom, and the teacher wouldn't let me. And I wet my pants in front of the entire school and ran out the front door of the school all the way home, shamed, feeling terrible. and stayed out of school for two days, and then I had to return to Snickers and laughs in the hallway,

which led to kind of a depression, a feeling unworthy, a feeling of being dirty, a feeling of being left out, a fear of nobody liking me. That led to a period of being very lonely, because I didn't want to share any of this with other people, and I lived with it myself. There was also times in my growing up. Now, I'm not going to share all of this with my kids in one fell swoop. That's a little bit depressing. But I can share some of these things at different times, like the times where we divided up into teams to play kickball or wiffle ball or whatever it might be tag football.

And I wasn't chosen because someone didn't like me or somebody was mad at me. and now I look back and say, wow, big deal. But back then it was a big deal. I wasn't chosen, right? I was left out of events, or three of my four friends had a sleepover, and I didn't get invited. What did I do wrong? Will they ever be my friends again?

One of the biggest things that I struggled with growing up in junior high was in my early part of high school was acne. Now, I don't know if you have acne or your children have acne. But there is nothing quite as obvious when you look in the mirror as a 14 or 15-year-old seeing acne on your face. Sure, other people don't look at it quite like you do, but you look at it and you become a little bit paranoid. And you might want to grow your hair long to cover it. And it is a very difficult thing for kids to go through today. I went through that. I had to go to the doctor. I had to get shots. I had to get treatment. And I looked at people with just absolutely beautiful, flawless skin. And oh, how I was jealous of that. I could go on and on. I wet my bed until I was in eighth grade. I couldn't in elementary school all the way up till six, seventh grade. I didn't have the cool things like Levi's or Adidas. My friend,

had Levi's and Adidas, but we didn't. I had bumper shoes and Montgomery wore jeans. Now I look back, I think, big deal. At least I had jeans and bumpers. But back then, that was a goal. That said something about me. That's who I wanted to become. Now, I felt all of these things growing up. But you know what? So many parents, like the things that you experienced when you were growing up, A lot of parents never share these things with their children. They never tell their story of how they grew up. Now, I truly believe that as parents, as adults today, we continue to experience some of these things, whether it's being bullied at work or embarrassed or shamed or maybe you have gone through

recently a bout with depression or loneliness. Maybe you don't feel accepted in that group, that book club that you belong to with the ladies. Maybe you feel that you're left out. You hear about two or three of your best friends all getting together for a boat ride or going on a camping trip up north, even further north than I am right now in Minnesota. And you were the family. You were the ones that were not invited. Maybe you feel like that.

Maybe you are taking medication. to deal with anxiety, and nobody knows it at all. And you struggle. We feel these things as adults. Now, when you share these things with your children that you experienced, you're going to do a couple of things. Number one is you're going to build a bridge to them that is going to make you vulnerable. And as parents, we don't always have to be strong and know it all and have all the answers and provide everything for the world. We can be vulnerable. with our children. And when you are vulnerable with your children, a bridge is built for you both to come and stand on and to talk about common experiences. You don't know how powerful this is and how

important it is for your children, to know that you're actually listening, that you hear them, and that you have a common experience with them, which leads you to another step in the relationship. and that step is how God made sense of your life, how God came and built you up, how he filled you with what you were lacking. He repaired the damage that took place in those years, and perhaps even recently. That's what this does. And I would share with you, if you were my child, that God makes sense in my life. God made sense out of my life. He accepted me. And when children are going through rejection and feeling isolated and alienated and canceled, it is wonderful to know that someone accepts me. Now, I know what you're going to say. You're going to say, well, yeah,

God is a God you can't see, but what they're interested in is someone they can see. Well, they can see. you and you accept them and let them know that you accept them. I accept you. I love you. I cherish you. You know what? God loves you and accepts you and cherishes you as well. One thing that I was able to share with my kids is I brought them to that bridge in Minnesota where I was beat up repeatedly the bridge of terror in my life is I told them that God took my shame. And he did, didn't he? In John chapter 8 with a woman caught in adultery, shamed by the leadership, Jesus took her shame away. And that's what God does in our life. He takes the shame away. Granted, your children might not be able to at this point, remember, frontal cortex, not till 25.

they might not be able to reason through all of this at the moment. But that's not the goal. The goal is to give them a seed, a little bit of the answer, and that is that Jesus has taken my shame. He has also showed me that I was more than the way I looked. You know, when you're 14, 15 years old, and you've experienced some of the things that I experienced, and some of the things that you have experienced, you can look at life as just that.

In fact, after I wet my pants in front of the whole school in sixth grade, I literally, and this sounds funny now, but I meant it then. I literally didn't know if I'd ever get a job in the future. I didn't know if I would ever get a girl to like me because I'm the guy that wet my pants. And what was that due to? Frontal cortex, not completely developed, reasoning. skills, not completely developed, long-term consequences, not completely developed. Well, guess what? I did get a job, and Emily married me. And I would share that God has given me purpose in my life. And my life is not dependent upon being accepted by everybody else or performing for everybody else or the way I look or the way I dress or where I live or where I go to school. He has given me

purpose in my life. I'll put all these in the show notes for you. Also, here's another one, when people feel alone and rejected, I would share with my children that God has never, ever left me. He said to us, I'll never leave you as orphans. Never. And so with Jesus Christ, you are with someone who will not abandon you, someone who will not cancel you, somebody who will not just erase you from social media. That's not what he does. He'll never leave you. And he lifted my spirits when I was down. He lifted me up when I was broken. He healed me when I was trashed. That's what God has done in my life. I think that when people heard that I had made a decision to serve God with the rest of my life when I was 18 years old, they thought it was going to

be a fad. Fad is an acronym for a day. They thought it was going to be a fad. It was going to be a fleeting thing. it's just something he's going through, right? It wasn't. My friend, it was not at 18 years old of fat or something I was just going through. It saved my life. It saved my life at 18 years of age. It wasn't just an inquisitive young mind searching out world religions to try to find myself and be something different. No, it was a desperate search for God. And I found him. he found me. Now, I want to share this with you. It's Deuteronomy chapter 6. I'll put it in the show notes. It's called the shma. And it is a wonderful, wonderful part of scripture that talks about the responsibility of parents to teach their children and to not only teach, but to be with their

children, to walk with their children, to spend time. Or if you want to put it this way, waste time with your children. It says in Deuteronomy 6, verses four through nine, hear, O Israel, the Lord our God is one Lord. And you shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all of your soul and with all of your might. And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart. And you shall get this, you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise. And you shall bind them as a sign upon your hand, and they shall be as frontals between your eyes, and you shall write them on

the doorposts of your house and on your gates. You see, everything about us and everything about even our home is a reminder that there is something greater than what you are going through in school. There is something more powerful and something more transforming than what you are experiencing away from home. We want our kids to think the best of us, don't we? We do. But it's important to be vulnerable and let them know that they are just like us and lead them to Christ. My friend, it's been a joy. Boy, this half hour is gone by quickly. But I want to share some of that with you today because I know that some people need to hear this. And if you know of someone, maybe you don't have kids.

And you know of someone who needs to hear this. Will you pass this on? It might be a lifesaver for a teen right now who has a mom or dad who is listening to, Fine. I'm fine. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Lord, I lift up my friend right now to you, and I pray that you would give them wisdom and courage

to be a mom and a dad for their children and to be vulnerable and to share with them what they went through and how you how you have changed their life. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. I love you, my friend. Look forward to talking to you next week.