The Jeff Cavins Show (Your Catholic Bible Study Podcast) - What To Do About Bedwetting (and Other Personal Embarrassments)

Episode Date: June 14, 2019

Jeff shares the feelings of shame and isolation he faced as a kid struggling with bedwetting. Even if you never wet the bed, experiencing embarrassment and even self-loathing because of a perceived flaw is something we can all relate to. Jeff shares tips on how to react to someone experiencing these feelings, and points out that we’re not defined by those imperfections. We’re defined by our relationship with Jesus, and he will always look on us with love. Snippet from the Show “What we perceive as some kind of stigma or impediment does not define us. We’re defined by the blood of the lamb and the relationship we have with Jesus.” SHOWNOTES Tips for dealing with bedwetting: * Be Patient - This is not something you can’t cope with. * Realize that they may think their self-identity is in the balance, and that struggle is more important than your convenience. * Love and affirm them as sons and daughters of God. * Make sure they know they are not defined by this. * Offer up your inconvenience to the Lord. 1 Peter 4:8 - Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins. John 9:1 - As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” Having said these things, he spit on the ground and made mud with the saliva. Then he anointed the man’s eyes with the mud and said to him, “Go, wash in the pool of Silo′am” (which means Sent). So he went and washed and came back seeing. Colossians 1:24 - “Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I complete what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church.” Resources in this Episode * Sign up to be alerted when the new Bible study on Romans (https://ascensionpress.com/pages/romans-optin) is available! * The Great Adventure Bible (https://shop.ascensionpress.com/collections/featured/products/the-great-adventure-catholic-bible) - the #1 Bible on Amazon! * Jeff Cavins Pilgrimages (http://www.jeffcavins.com/)

You're listening to the Jeff Kaven Show episode 120, What to Do with a Bedwetter. Hey, I'm Jeff Kavins. How do you simplify your life? How do you study the Bible? All the way from motorcycle trips to raising kids, we're going to talk about the faith and life in general. It's the Jeff Kaven show.

And welcome to you once again, joining me on a weekly basis. It's really good to spend this time with you. bet you didn't see that title coming, did you? Probably thinking about, well, we're going to talk about the hypostatic union. We're going to talk about original justice. We're going to talk about how to read the Bible. No, we're going to talk about what to do with a bedwetter. Now, you're probably asking, why would you talk about a show like that, you know, a topic like that? Why are you doing that? Well, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I have been speaking now since I'm 61, and I'll be 62 and

November. And I have been speaking since I was 18 years old about Jesus around the country and churches. I was a pastor for a while. And there has been a number of topics that I have, you know, talked about. But this one, when I shared a story with people that came from my own life, I found that it helped them out so much and that so many people were struggling in their families, you got it with a bedwetter. And I found in my own life that this problem of growing up in my life, and I'm just going to tell you now I was a bedwetter, I'll get into that in a little bit. I know you're dying to hear it. It defined me for quite a while. And I want to share with you some things that you can avoid making mistakes if you have bedwetters. You can bring the gospel to this topic. And you're just not going to find a lot of podcasts on bedwetting. you know, from a Catholic perspective. So I hope that it is a, it's a, you know, a benefit. You know, I mean, one and four boys struggle with this, after all.

So we're going to hit, we're going to hit you at one way or another. Hey, I want to thank you for all of your email. Again, if you want show notes, you can simply write me at The Jeffcaven Show. That's The Jeffcaven Show at ascensionpress.com. And we do have some amazing trips coming up. We have two trips to Israel coming up. in January. You can get information on my website, jeffcavens.com, under Pilgrimages. And then the big one, the big, big one coming up is a trip with Father Mike Schmitz and myself. We're going to be

leading a young adult trip to the Holy Land in June of 2020. We're going to talk about 2020 vision, getting a hold of where God is leading you in your life. And if you are a young adult, please go there. You can get your place held right now and pay later. And I just want to let you know about it. We've got some amazing singers with Taylor Tripote, and we have Ali Ali Aaliyah. We have Brother Isaiah. Any one of those on their own would be an incredible concert. We got all three. We're going to have a really cool concerts in Galilee, on the Sea of Galilee, and in Jerusalem.

It's going to be, I mean, it's epic. So get the word out there, if you will. Just send it out to all your people saying, hey, get a hold of this, the trip in 2020 with Father Mike Shabee. and Jeff Kavens. It's going to be outstanding. I got to tell you that. All right, so let's talk a little bit about bedwetting, shall we? I know you wanted to talk about it. And, of course, I do too. You know, when I was growing up, I had a private problem. And I have spoken about this before, but I had a private problem that only my mother knew and my sister and my dad. And then later, my other sister, my younger sister, she's 10 years younger than me. This was really a family secret

and they didn't go out and tell anybody else, but it was a struggle for me. I had a problem, and I wet the bed every night. And when I say every night, I am not exaggerating to you. I was good at this. I mean, I didn't even miss a night. I didn't even miss one single night. And I can still remember, like it was yesterday, waking up at 3.34 in the morning and realizing I am wetting the bed at this moment. And there came a point, you know, where after you do that

for one year, two year, three year, four, five, six, seven years, you get to a point where you almost don't even care anymore. You say, okay, well, that's life. You know, I'm wetting the bed. I'll deal with it in the morning, or more accurately, my mother will deal with it in the morning. Well, I had a pattern in my life back then, and I didn't stop wetting the bed until I was in eighth grade. And this brought up some real difficulties for me on how to navigate life as a young man. And when you are in junior high, when you're in fourth, fifth, sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, you're really at a place where you're very impressionable and you want people to like you. You want to be considered cool, you know? And honestly, I can't think of anything that is

less cool than wetting your bed in seventh grade. And so this was something that was on my mind constantly. And back then, and I don't know how frequent it is today, exactly, but back then we would stay over to each other's house. You know, friends would invite a couple friends over and they'd stay overnight and, you know, listen to music and so forth. And so when I was between fifth and eighth grade, I was invited over to my friend Mark's house and Gary's house. and, you know, some of the other, you know, some of the other Brian's house. And when I would go over there, I was always, I always had this on my mind because if I went to sleep, I would wet my bed.

And I remember going over to Mark's house, he just lived a couple houses away, and I brought with me not only my pillow and a sleeping bag, but I brought a Hardy Boy book. And at the end of the night, when everybody fell asleep, and we all had her sleeping, bags, I had to pretend that I went to sleep. And then when everyone was asleep and it seems safe and secure, I got up with my hearty boy mystery book and I went out into the hallway and I stood and paced the hallway reading all night. Because if I fell asleep, even in the hallway, I would have wet the hall. That didn't cool either. So I would read all night and then in the morning I would get back in my sleeping bag and I would fake waking up as the other of my friends woke up.

That was my life. That was my pattern. And I remember one time visiting my grandmother's house and she had a beautiful, almost a silk white couch. And it was in the middle of the afternoon and I was so tired, you know, and I laid down and I went to sleep. And you can imagine, you can imagine what happened. I peed on my grandmother's beautiful couch. And was she mad? Was she angry? so I started to realize that my problem brought anger to people, and I felt very, very inadequate. And you know, some kids that go through this, they hear different responses from their parents all the way from, you did it again, to some kids heard the words, what's wrong with you? Every morning. What's wrong with you, Jeff? What's wrong with you, Peter? What's wrong with you, Susan? What's wrong with you, Deborah? What's wrong with you, Larry? And the answer is, I don't. know. I don't know. But I do know there's something wrong with me. And that has a powerful impact on children, you know, a very, very powerful, powerful impact. Well, it all came to a head

for me in sixth grade when we were in sixth grade and I had a problem. You know, if I had to go to the bathroom, I had to go to the bathroom. See, you had no idea you're going to hear this today. driving down the highway, minding your own business, wanting to be encouraged in the faith, and here I am venting about how I wet the bed. Well, anyway, I was in sixth grade, and we had a big assembly where we had a friend of Helen Keller's, and she was blind, she was deaf, and she couldn't speak. It was one of her friends, and she had this unusual, tactile method of communicating to people on somebody else's hands, and then that person would relay to us what she was saying.

Well, I was sitting in the middle of the auditorium at Hubert Olson Elementary School in Bloomington, Minnesota, and right in front of me was the woman that I thought, girl, I thought that I would marry someday Janice. And I was sitting behind her doing things that really do pull on the strings of young girls like pull their hair and stuff like that. And suddenly, I had to go to the bathroom. And back then, if I had to go to the bathroom, I better get to one quick, you know, whether we're on vacation or whatever it might be. I raised my hand, and the teacher came walking through the crowd, you know, kind of daintily and between legs and arms and everything else, and she said, yes, Jeff. And I said, Mrs. So-and-so, I've got to go to the bathroom. And she

looked at me and she said, not knowing my personal problem that nobody knew about, oh, she said, you can wait a few minutes. We're almost done. I said, okay. And she went back. And there I was. stuck with this problem. And the problem started getting worse, and I didn't think I could hold it anymore. You know, I would run, you know that I would run home after school every day? You know why I ran home so fast every single day after school and ended up becoming quite a sprinter? It's because I wanted to make sure my mother had changed my sheets before my friends came over. Well, that day in the auditorium, I felt like, I don't know if I can wait. I don't know if I can wait. my legs start shaking, my side started hurting, I was sweating, and then all the sudden, I wet my

pants. And one problem was done with, but a whole other problem I was sitting on, and that problem was inching towards Janice. And I literally cried out in my heart, oh God, no, please, please, no, no. It's bad enough to wet your pants in an auditorium, but for you to wet your pants and it to hit the girl that you love? No, this is not happening. Right before it hit Janice. We were dismissed and everybody got up and went out in the hall and we had a kind of a rule back then at Hubert Olson and that is everybody had to be lined up on the edges of their hall of the hall before they went into their rooms. And there, everybody had left except me sitting in the middle of the auditorium with my legs crossed and I had light brown Levi's that day, corduroy levies. Now they were two-toned. I was sitting there,

thinking, what am I going to do? And the kids started yelling, Kavens, come on, come on. And I thought, here goes. And I stood up. And I was so wet. And I was so ashamed and so embarrassed. And I started walking towards the door. And I heard those words and the laughter, Kavens wet his pants. And I ran through the gauntlet of those kids in that hallway. And I ran through the gauntlet of those kids in that hallway. and I ran through. They tripped me. They kicked me. They laughed. I was stumbling through the hallway. And even to today, that touches my heart. As a little boy, so humiliated, I ran out the front room of the school, about a mile and a half home in the middle of winter, chafed at the thighs, running into my house, crying. And my mother said, what happened? What happened? And I said, I wet my pants. and I told her I would never go back to the school.

Now, three days later, I did, and I had to face the music. Shortly after that, my mom brought me to the doctor, and the doctor said to me something really simple, and this might be a revelation to you, but you know what the doctor told me? He thought I had some kind of muscle problem. He didn't think it was a psychological problem, that I was crazy, or I was just a sick person, or just something was wrong.

He said, I want you to do this. He said, when you have to go to the bathroom in the future, I want you to start, stop, start, stop, start, stop. Can I tell you something? Three days later, I never wet the bed again. The problem was very simple for me, but I didn't know it. And my mom didn't know it. And it led to all kinds of thoughts of there's something terrible about. about me. There's something that is despicable, something unwanting about me, and I had a muscle

problem. It wasn't that I wanted to wet the bed. It wasn't that I wanted my mother to do more work. It wasn't that I was drawing attention in any way. No, it was much more painful than that, but the solution for me was quite simple. Now, if you go on the internet today, you're going to see all kinds of different things, you know. A couple of my mother tried, you know, alarm systems. You wet the bed and alarm goes off. Yay. All that did for me is it told me I did it. Didn't wake me up in time or anything like that. But you can look at, I was looking on the web, actually, in preparation for the show. And you've got the Rogers Wireless Bedwetting Alarm. They got the Mailum alarm. That's another one. And then they've got the Clipbo bedwetting alarm. That's only 59. So between

59 and 129, you can get alarms. You can get other counseling and psychotherapy and all that. Whatever it takes, that's good. But I want to, I want to share with you just some guidelines on how to work with a young boy, how to work with a young girl that feels broken, that feels dirty, that feels that nobody will want them because they wet the bed. You're listening to the Jeff Kaven Show. If you're looking for a way to learn more about your Catholic faith, I invite you to check out the Ascension Presents YouTube channel. You're going to find tons of free videos featuring Catholic presenters like Matt Frad, Liadero, Jackie Bobby Angel, and Emily Wilson. Go to YouTube.com slash ascension presents. That's YouTube.com slash ascension presents.

And if you like what you see, please share and subscribe. And welcome back. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I never dreamt, Jeff, that you would talk about this on a podcast. But you know what? I don't care because when I'm weak, I'm strong in Christ and those things that I have gone through, I can share with others, and they can be strong themselves and share with their families. So what do I recommend, you know, and I'm not going to get into the psychotherapy and all that type of thing. Those are things you're going to have to make a decision about, but I can give you some practical things to do as a Catholic mom and dad when you have family and you have sons or daughters or grandkids that are over and something like that. that happens, your response to them can have years of effect. It really can. And when they're in ninth grade or tenth grade, they'll still carry with them that thought of there's something wrong.

Something wrong with me. So what can you do as a parent? Well, number one, let me give you five things here, shall I give you five things. And I will put these, by the way, in the show notes for you so that you can take them with you and you don't have to pull over on the side of the road. Only one thing worse than wetting your pants is getting into an accident, so don't do that. So number one, here's what I would say. If you have kids that are struggling with this, and this can go all the way into high school, from what I've heard, I've heard a lot of different stories of people who have come to me and said, boy, I struggled with that as well.

Number one, be patient. Be patient with your children. It is a difficult time. It's hard to wash those sheets every single day. You feel inconvenienced, I know. But be patient. This is not a world crisis. This is not a game-changing event that you cannot cope with.

You need to establish an atmosphere of calm, an atmosphere of love, an atmosphere of tolerance. Be patient with them. Do not act like this is the end of the world. because every day will be a drama for them and it will compile after a while. Love covers a multitude of sins. So I really encourage you to be patient and to be patient, you know, is to endure trials like this as a parent. And the way that you treat them will probably be the way they treat their children someday because the studies do show that a good percentage of children who wet the bed, it's hereditary.

And boys outdo the girls here, a little bit of a long shot there, but be patient with them and let them know that you are patient with them, just with your attitude and the words that you say. Number two, I would encourage you realize that their self-identity, as a young girl, as a young boy, which both want to be loved and cherished and thought of as valuable and desirable, their self-identity is in the balance. And it's more important. Their self-identity as a son, as a daughter of God, is more important than your convenience. Let me say that again, and I know that needs to be said, and a lot of people need to hear that, is that their self-identity, who they are, is more important than your convenience or inconvenience.

So when you have children or grandchildren who wet the bed, you need to constantly be reminding yourself that this is their self-identity that is on the line here, and you're going to help them, and you are going to get through it. And I don't know of anybody who hasn't gotten through it, right? I mean, you might be thinking, Jeff, do you still wet the bed? Well, for old times' sake. No, I don't. I told you that it was cured, you know, with the doctor just giving me some advice. Number three, love them and affirm them as sons and daughters of God.

That is very, very powerful. Love them and affirm them. This is separate from wetting the bed. You're not loving them and affirming them because they're not loving them and affirming them because they wet the bed. You're loving them and you're affirming them even despite this, that primarily they are sons and daughters of God with a future ahead of them that is amazing. God loves them, the first part of the charygma. God loves them and has an amazing plan for their life. That's what we have to keep saying. And this will end. This will end. I'm going to be with you

through this. We're going to figure this out. But I love you so deeply. And I affirm you. You are beautiful. You're a handsome young man of God, and God has an amazing story up ahead for you. So love them and affirm them. Number four, I think is really, really important, and that is to make sure that they know that they are not defined by this. They're not defined by this. When this happened to me in sixth grade, I kid you not. I told my parents, no one will ever marry me. Now, you kind of laugh at that now, you know.

But at sixth grade, it's real. Nobody will ever marry me. And even when I met Emily and I was 18 and she was 17, I almost felt at that point like, I need to reveal this, that you're marrying a former bedwetter, you know, because I felt defined by it, but you're not defined by this. And this so defined me growing up of the private wedding of the bed and then wetting my pants in front of everybody in the school that I didn't think I was going to get a job

and I didn't think anybody would ever find me desirable or want to marry me because I did this. And that was really, really serious at the time. but this is an opportunity for Christ to shine in your child's life, that God wants to do something in your child's life. Let me explain to you what I'm talking about here. Do you remember the story in John chapter 9? This was at the pool of Siloam, which is at the southern end of the city of David in Jerusalem. I take people there every time. We'll go there in January. It says, and Jesus passed by, he saw a man blind from birth.

And his disciples asked him, rabbi, who sinned? This man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, it was not that this man sinned or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. We must work the works of him who sent me while at his day. Night is coming when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world. Having said these things, he spit on the ground and made mud with the saliva.

Then he anointed the man's eyes with the mud and said to him, go wash in the pool of saloam, which means scent. So he went and washed and came back, seeing. Now notice what they said in this story. This man is born blind, and their immediate jump to, their immediate conclusion is that he did something wrong or his parents did something wrong. Now, it just slip me into that story or slip your loved one into that story or you into that story and say that, you know, and he passed by and he saw a seventh grader who wet his pants and wet the bed every night. And his disciples asked him, Rabbi, who sinned this man or his parents that he wets his bed every night?

And Jesus answered, it was not that this man sinned or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. Now let me tell you something kind of interesting. As every year that I go to Israel, and I teach at the pool of Siloam, I tell this story. Because I never dreamt that I would ever stand up and talk about this. But at the weakest point of my growing up, it became a point where God could display his power to overcome and to define me by my relationship with him rather than wetting the bed. This became big. Do you know, I was probably, oh, I guess 30 years old, and I was a young pastor, and I started to tell this story to my congregation, and I got to the point where I was at the school, and this happened, and you know what happened?

I couldn't say it. It so choked me up at 30 years old. I couldn't even get it out of my mouth. And I realized at 30 years old, I had been defined by this. And it has been since then that I have been free. And I can talk about it today. And I can encourage other people and the works of God can be displayed in my life. Remember, let them know they are not defined by this.

but God always will do something great in what we perceive as some kind of stigma, some kind of a problem in our life. Maybe you didn't wet the bed. Maybe you had some impediment in your life that people teased you about. You're not defined by that. You're defined by the blood of the lamb and the relationship between you and Jesus. Number five, offer up your inconvenience to the Lord. if you feel like you're suffering because you're changing sheets every day and washing every day and you've gone to the doctor and you went to a counselor and everything else and there doesn't seem to be a solution and you think to yourself, why is this happening? Do what Paul said in Colossians 124. I'll put it in the show notes for you along with that John 9 paragraph. What did Paul say,

he said, I rejoice in my suffering for your sake and I fill up in my body that which is lacking in the sufferings of Christ. And so if you feel like you're struggling and you're suffering because of what's happening in your kids' life and your grandchildren's life, offer it up. Offer up your inconvenience. Offer up your suffering. Offer up your doubt or you're blaming yourself for what's happening or your gene pool or whatever. Offer it up. And allow the Lord to take this and to use it in an amazing way. You see that in your suffering, you have a coin that can purchase what cannot be bought. Offer this up for your son. Offer it up for your daughter. And rejoice when you do the laundry. Rejoice that you have that beautiful son. You have that beautiful daughter. You

have those grandkids and you pray for them. You're not burdened. You're not bothered. You've been given an opportunity to love them. You really have. Now let's bring this all to sort of an end. I want you to know that I know that maybe you didn't wet the bed. Maybe you never had something like that happened where you wet your pants in front of your future wife in sixth grade. I'd like to know where she is today. That'd be kind of a funny story to go over. But you might have had something else happen in your life.

Maybe it was your weight. Maybe it was acne. Maybe it was a physical disability. Maybe you're dyslexic growing up. Whatever it is that seem to be similar to this young man in John chapter 9 born blind, know this. It isn't that you sin or your parents, but that the works of God would be displayed in you. Do not be afraid of being afraid of being. being vulnerable, and allowing people to know that you are weak and that you are turning to the

Lord, and he can do something with this. Don't run away from the very thing that could be the light that shines in everybody else's life. When I was in junior high, and then four years later, at the end of my senior year in high school, and I was searching for God, hungry for God, discouraged, struggling with anxiety at times and being depressed, and I searched and I cried out to God. And I imagine the angel said to, Jesus, look at that guy down there, the bedwetter. What are you going to do with him? Jesus said, you just watch. I'm going to get him a TV show. He's going to tell everybody what I did and how I changed his life.

Don't ever run from what you perceive as a weakness, but do go to Christ. And he can make this into a great door of hope and an opportunity. in your life. Let me know how this show has impacted you. Let me know what's happening in your life. My email is The Jeff Kaven Show at ascensionpress.com. I'd like to pray with you. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Lord, I lift up to you now, my friend.

Maybe we have this in common, Lord, that we have something that has seemed to have defined us in a very negative way. But you came to redefine our life and our relationship, and Lord, we cling to you and ask you, Lord, to cleanse our minds and renew us with right thinking about who we are. And those things, Lord, that are secret that have been wounds, we give to you now. And we ask you to use it in a powerful way for your glory. For we know that these things in our life perhaps have come as a result of whatever, but that your work can be displayed in the midst of it. And so we freely and unashamedly give them to you, and we ask you to do something with us. We pray this in Jesus' name. We ask for the intercession of our mother who really understands us, is praying for us,

and is at the foot of this cross that we face. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour, of our death. Amen. Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. I love you and I'm asking you to pray for me and I'll continue to pray for you.