The Johnny Salami Podcast - Adam Christopher

Episode Date: November 16, 2023

Adam Christopher by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Oh, bro, I'm hurting. There's no sugar in it. Yeah, I mean, that's probably fucking piss, though, dude. Yeah.

Part of me is like, as long as it's not water. Oh, really? Yeah. That's a good way to look at it, man. You're taking your order. You're like, listen, you can do whatever you want. Just don't give me water. I don't want it.

I'm drinking a monster, dude. Yeah. How many are you on right now just one yeah one is all you need i think in just like all of life um but like one one today you just want to be like one of everything? Yes. One life. One nut. One reason to remember the name.

That song fucks, dude. You ever listen to that, dude? On the train? Remember the name? Remember the name? Yeah. Who is this by? It's like a motivational song, dude.'t believe i can't believe you never heard that

is it sung by like creed or something it sounds like it would be like a christian song i think they're all lesbians i think it's a lesbian church choir they uh they play like violins and shit though with the piano just fucking shred it. It's so confusing, man. It's good to see you, though, man. Yeah, thanks for having me. It has been a while.

It's been like seven months, bro. Has it been seven months? Can you believe that? Yeah, I was looking at it today. Really? I jerked off to it a little bit, dude seven months it's dude time flies man yeah time does play what have you been uh what have you been up to well uh besides uh science and karate um i've been just uh working on like videos and stuff yeah i mean those go hand in hand, though, science and craft.

Just chopping to beakers. Do you ever get technical in the lab, dude? I get, like, technical the foot-fist way. I miss those labs, man, in, like, high school, man. Those were sick. What did you used to do in those labs? Like like what did you study compared to what was being studied i studied the art of randomness you know um dude i have a joke about a girl named julie who used to be like everyone's like you know crush and we were in the same biology class man and that's all i think about when i think about those classes is like

because i sat next to her for a while i used to like draw dicks and shit and like show her and like fart and stuff she actually came on the podcast she was one of the first guests oh really and uh so i sit down with her and we like do the podcast and i i get up and i walk over to the camera and nothing recorded oh so she was like she's like oh like when's it coming out and i was like i'll let you know dude i never spoke to her again i think she's married now that was my chance dude yeah that was your chance uh i mean did you ever think about like recreating that sort of like just call her up and be like remember when we recorded that podcast that one time

i've thought about it those were the days weren't they yeah i call her up let's do that day again she's laying in bed with her husband yo run it back shown off she thinks it's a prank call but it's actually me being like 100 serious i'm at like a 24-7 IHOP. Making the call. Eating straight up eggs, dude. Nothing else. As sad as that sounds, man,

like that would be a pretty funny life, you know? Just go and just chill. Chill it out at IHOP, dude. Chillin' at an IHOP at like 2 a.m. and just calling people from high school. Just a plate full of eggs yeah yo show me your tits uh yeah i'll have another coffee just simmer down a little bit yeah i'll have another coffee i feel like they would know it's you know?

Dude, you ever like, you ever like invite one of your boys to like do something that you used to do that's like a little random? Like you have any like, you know, like you ever done karate with another dude? Oh, dude, I used to like i would um i did one time in a basement with like some other high school friends like we found like boxing gloves and uh we put those on and uh we started we did like boxing matches oh wow so it wasn't karate it was straight up warfare i did that at my uh my asian friend's house how did it end with you uh knockout really the other way i got knocked out oh dude same here yeah did they uh give you the old uh roundhouse

oh there was no kicking strictly Strictly hand jobs. That's what I got. Yeah, the whole goal was like whoever can make the other person I tried to say that with a straight face. I was going to say like whoever makes the other person come first wins.

No, dude, I got punched in the back of the head. Back of the head? Yeah, my Asian boy, dude, was throwing fucking haymakers, dude. Dude, he's throwing haymakers at his own ass. Like, doing, like, unorthodox shit, dude. I think I'm winning, dude. Next thing you you know he gets me from behind dude yeah you know you know how it goes dude and uh dude hit me in the back of the head man i don't know if you've ever been hit in the back of the head oh i got i got into a car accident once so yeah i got hit in

the back of the head a little bit yeah it's awful i don't know what like uh what type of the brain that is i'm sure there's nothing going on in general you know wherever it is already so getting hit there just made it worse man i think it can like uh freeze your body a little bit like paralyze you yeah so yeah i just kind of tapped out after that man yeah so i was like i don't want to get hit in the head that makes sense because uh i mean was he like surprised like what was going on uh and like was it just you and him oh no no it wasn't like a personal beef sort of like death match right there's like a bunch of people just like in a circle it was like me my asian friend my guatemalan friend yeah my other uh white friend named cam yeah and uh my asian friend uh he got a really nice renovation to his home

sick dude and uh like after the event huge garage and uh dude we set up like wrestling mats in there got the boxing gloves and just started spanking dude it was fucking it was a lot of fun honestly man it makes me think dude like if i had that setup you know i'd be inviting the boys over you know a little circle jerk action bro uh yeah just a group of people in a circle just jerking it while two people in the center really testing their might. Just holding hands. Some sort of crazy ritual. Shit, man.

You think you would ever get into that stuff? Like spiritual shit where people are jer, like, speaking Latin and shit? Because you're, like, a pretty open-minded dude, you know what I mean? Like, it takes a lot to throw you off, you know what I mean? Yeah, it takes a little bit of effort to knock me off my game yeah like if you were like blitzed yeah in like a positive environment maybe in like a like a homestead or something people were like yo we're going over the barn man you ever been and you go in and people are just like painted different colors dude just like completely naked

like throwing tennis balls and like screaming shit in other languages like are you just out you're like i'm good man or are you kind of like i'm gonna see what's going on here i actually i think i would spend a few minutes yeah i would too man i just kind of see like what's going on i think depending on how long the commute was, if it's really close to home, I feel like not. I feel like a place like that, it's got to take a while to get to. Yeah, exactly. So while you're there, it's like, all right, I'll stay for a few minutes. Yeah, I'll see what's going on.

Next thing you know, dude, you're the leader, man. You're taking fucking... I'm wearing the hood. I mean, historically, though, that's happened a lot, you know? People always say it's, like, so crazy that that would ever happen, but, like, it happens all the time, dude, you know? You just need one guy with, like like a solid beard to get you going have you ever like uh have you ever you did you work in corporate america at all or no

no dude i i've been trying i've been like really trying to work there why because it seems like it pays the most and you can like work at home wow yeah your mindset has changed a little bit in the past seven months yeah what happened i'm like i want to go corporate did you get raped or something by my bills yeah yeah so that's kind of what hit you yeah i, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, they pay the most. And then I've tried to sign up for these jobs, like on the sign-up sheet, you know? And, yeah, they just won't have me. Just like you walking into a Denny's. You guys have any openings?

Dude, do you think it's not that hard to get a job in corporate america even if i'm not making it easy i mean think about it this way dude i work in corporate america yeah so if you need some positive reinforcement dude just think about that man you know so you're saying i can, like, keep trying? I should keep trying? Yeah. I mean, I think I usually don't talk about serious stuff. Yeah.

The world right now, dude, it's pretty crazy, man. So I don't think many places are hiring. So I don't think it's you. I think it's them. Yeah. And I'm not just saying that, dude know i'm telling blame it on them dude that's the real issue yeah but uh yeah man shit's just been like i mean i don't know if you you know i don't know if you

feel this way man but it just it feels like everything's falling apart a little bit yeah i don't know if it's my mind if i'm but it just, it feels like everything's falling apart a little bit. Yeah. I don't know if it's my mind, if I'm losing it a little bit, you know? Yeah. It's an interesting feeling. Yeah. I noticed that too. And it actually just kind of makes me laugh. Yeah.

It's just, it's so chaotic. It feels so chaotic everywhere that, uh, I'm like, oh, this is like, like just i feel like every generation just every like version of humans just like we're always so close to like an apocalypse at like every moment you just don't even know yeah yeah and so i feel like now we're just like seeing more shit that's going on in the world so i think we're like more like we're realizing oh there's all this going on right oh yeah everyone's got a big swinging dick until someone takes their fucking wedding dress you know what i'm saying that's the old adage yeah i'm pretty sure that's in the bible dude dude and that book's like causing a lot of trouble still too which is like oh really wild yeah imagine

fighting over religion dude yeah i didn't mean that retarded dude that's wild bro yeah dude and also all this the book that everyone's causing all the fights from you know like the first rule is like don't kill so like literally everyone like in the the religious side is like oh y'all failed like yeah and they always try to like you know formulate some crazy shit as to why it's acceptable they're not like no if you look at the third letter at a 360 degree angle with a boner it's actually the opposite and you're like what the fuck dude like what are we doing you know what i mean yeah dude i'm reloading my guns and they're just running out you know yeah everybody has like their own interpretation of everything and it's like no that's what it is

too i think is like what's making everything feel so crazy is like i don't think any anyone really agrees with each other on anything yeah man people are very like uh you know like when when uh people are like hey how you doing and then you're like on anything. Yeah, man. People are very like... You know, like, when people are like, hey, how you doing? And then you're like, I'm fine. Sometimes I say that

and I'm actually, I'm thinking of something else. Yeah, like suicide and shit? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Last time someone asked me, how you doing? I said uh i'm doing pretty good and and then but inside my head i was like thinking like um i so i bought this soap a

little while ago and uh it's this uh it's palestinian olive oil soap and there's like commercial that came on like social media and it was like a documentary style commercial like these palestinian men are making a lot of soap and and it's really good for you and i was like oh you know these guys had it rough for for a while a few months yeah yeah for a few months i was like let me this is before the event like this is like like two months ago or something like that and i get the soap and then uh and i'm like washing myself today and i'm like yo is this correlated because like a month after i got the soap shit went down yeah i'm like was this part of like did i just help fund like oh my god dude that's so funny and you're washing your balls

while you think it's crazy bro dude the craziest side of my arm craziest thoughts happen like when you're taking a shit or a shower dude yeah i find that's like i get the most fun thoughts maybe that's because like that's where you're the most vulnerable. Yeah. I guess if someone came at you with a knife or something, you couldn't really do much. I mean, I wouldn't be able to do much anyway, but if I'm taking a shit, it's like somebody gets it on video, dude.

You know? I'm one of those people that I always think, like, when I'm taking a, when I'm ripping a dime, dude, I always think, like, what if I was in a like a serious situation right now you know it's like not a good thought to have man you know does it help i feel like that

thoughts like that could be like good for digestion maybe it lets you just lets it loose yeah maybe it's like a coping mechanism i'm just letting it all out like all my fears while i'm shitting and then once it comes out i'm like oh it's okay you're safe now that's what i that's what i whisper you're just rocking it's okay my safety position dude yeah i just didn't know uh i don't know if i was the only one man it's tough as a man to say to another man you know you know like hey man i'm a closeted homosexual no it is tough though as a man to just be like yo dude i'm going through it man yeah like i i cried to a led zeppelin song the night oh which one stairway to heaven that makes sense yeah yeah yeah it

wasn't even led zeppelin singing it either yeah yeah who's uh whose version was it it was at some music award and uh the drummer for led zeppelin he was drumming but it was like uh they had a chorus sing the chorus it's fucking wild man i'll send you the video if you want dude yeah you might cry though dude so just make sure you're not in public man i saw this video of like celine dion um singing yeah and uh, it makes me cry. I remember I used to watch American Idol with my family years ago, dude, and they used to get me watching Carrie Underwood shred it, dude. I mean, I was looking at her tits the whole time, but if you combine, like, a nice pair of tits with a good voice, dude,

you don't even know, like, who you are anymore, man. Just lost in the haze of melody and mammary yeah you just get lost in the tit crack dude a tit dude tit crack can like change a whole man's life yeah you know that right i do know this and i've felt the power of this and i also realized like there's uh people say that people like uh boobs because uh it it's kind of like a butt. So in some way, I reckon like we're all kind of like butt people. Wow, dude, that's insane. Yeah.

You said that. I've never thought of it that way, man. So you're saying like if you're an ass guy, you're a tits guy too. Yeah. Because they're both the same. Yeah, yeah. Because if you, I noticed like when you press together yeah a little bit it kind of forms that you're doing research man this is the type of uh science you're doing yeah that's the science part proud of you dude thank you you're like writing your notes on your

phone you're like remember this i do that a lot man i'll keep notes when like big things if i have a big thought i'll write it down yeah you know because i'm like oh dude you're level-headed right now man like if you get in a if you get in a slump look at this note dude and you'll fucking snap out of it yeah yeah you know what i'm saying oh Oh, like a very lucid, like, encouraging, like... No, usually it's pretty, like, anxiety-driven. Yeah. I'll just write, like, time is running out in all capital letters. Yeah, that is...

Time's crazy, man. You ever think about time, dude man you think about time dude i think about time time is like something you can't argue you know like you can argue the bible and shit but you can't argue with time dude yeah dude you can yell at a watch can't do much time yeah you can fucking fight a watch dude yeah but you can fuck a watch up might change the time but it's whatever dude so dude that's it that's uh you just been in the lab my man yeah i've just been in the lab working on uh like uh videos some writing shit um what else i was actually very concerned man because i i filmed that video with you yeah uh it was a very long time ago yeah and it just never came out yeah so i thought that when we did

the podcast i was like oh shit maybe he thought it was like a make-a-wish or something i just imagine like when we said goodbye just i just imagine you sprinting for like a mile straight. Cause I've been, uh, I've been meeting a lot of people, man. Yeah. And I'll, uh, I'll meet them once and then they'll never talk to me again, dude. Yeah. That's unfortunate when that happens, but yeah, I usually just never like reach out to anyone. That's my bad. Oh, you're not. But you reached out to me i'm like oh shit yeah yeah yeah but also my schedule has been hectic uh just because i've been working a bunch yeah just at the shop and stuff and like trying to

not go fucking crazy because you're running the shop right yeah for the most not not like yeah i think i'm like kind of running the shop it Yeah for the most Not like Yeah yeah I think I'm like Kind of running the shop Seems like everyone in there Everyone in there like Looks to you for the answer Maybe Yeah

Yeah yeah yeah Does it make you feel a little bit Like A little dangerous Oh yeah dude Definitely It's definitely changing me Yeah

For the worst I could see you being like a manager Yeah Like a town fair tire. Dress like a pilgrim or something. I mean, you're very like down to earth, dude. So you could crush it in like a manager position or something. You like talking to people or not really?

Yeah, I actually do. Dude, I like talking to people because like everyone's so different, you know? And it's just so fascinating to discover how people are different. Yeah. And so when anyone has a story or something to tell at the shop or something, I'm like, all right, I'll give it a go. There's this guy that comes in.

He's like 80, and he's always talking about the fact that he was in a band with Janis Joplin, who was like a 70s rock woman. And he comes in all the time, and he says the same story. He'll repeat the same story, and then he'll say that it's his birthday, and then he'll ask for a free joint or something. So he has dementia. Yeah, yeah. He's like he can't keep track of his own like schemes yeah he's like having dementia and like

still running schemes though it's not a bad idea to do that when you turn like 70 or something that is that's a great idea because also you have like I think when you get older to like More people just like think that you're like a cute cuddly person like yeah, dude There's this this video is watching it was like Zac Efron and he's like in Italy right and he like he's like I spoke to this 80 year old Army veteran and he was like he was like in the Italian Army He's like thank you for your service He was in the Italian army. He was fighting with Mussolini. He's like, thank you for your service. Jesus Christ.

Some old people are kind of dicks, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old people are still people. It's just weird. I get because of the grandpa, grandma kind of things. They're like, oh, sweet cookies or some i don't know knitting yeah i wonder what they're talking about yeah scratch offs i think they're um yeah they're definitely big into like talking about back in my day yeah that's all they're talking about yeah yeah it's really interesting when people say you ever do you find yourself saying that because i i said that when i was a younger i remember being

younger and being like dude never be that old guy who's like back in my day and here i am like you fucking kids you know i'm thinking about that's all i'm thinking about is back in my day all the time which might not be healthy man you know yeah but also it's like you know you know how shit's like feeling crazy now it's like also like we're getting older so it's like we're seeing like oh this is just like how we are as a species but like you know back in our day it's like when people say that it's like they're just saying like they're younger when i was younger it was a lot simpler and it wasn't well depending on how back in your day it was if you're a kid though like back in my day everything just made sense yeah there yeah i was thinking about uh fucking

beyblades dude beyblades yeah you remember those beyblade oh is it a toy beyblades dude Beyblades? Yeah you remember those? Oh it was a toy Beyblades were just like It was basically like a cooler Non-Jewish form Of a dreidel And you would fucking rip those things dude And when you ripped them you'd be like Beyblades

Let it rip It was so intense man intense you just recite the commercial you get the product just to recite in my head though it was so cool that like even teachers were like yo can i get next like you know we had like our own arenas and stuff betting on like capri suns and shit yeah yeah you know it's a big deal i don't know what uh dude i was talking to um a doctor psychiatrist no i'm just kidding uh let's just say i was talking to a doc and she was um she works with kids and she was talking about like how messed up kids are nowadays

because of like tiktok and stuff yeah and i was like damn that kind of makes sense but it's also yeah dude but like it's also funny that like what about the adults too clearly like everyone's getting yo i think that's like part of the problem you think uh sometimes i feel like we're in a simulation a little bit sometimes i feel like we're in a simulation a little bit the simulation well when i order food i'm like oh this is definitely like matrix food yeah right here dude yeah because i'll like order like mcdonald's for like lunch and then i'll get like a steak for dinner or something i'm like this is nuts. I can't have this much access. Yeah, I'm boycotting Uber Eats, man. Because, like, dude, they make you tip before they even deliver it. And then they just, like, throw the food at your window.

It's like, dude, what the fuck, man? It's like $500 for, like, a chicken finger. It's just, like, accessible, though. You're like, I don't want to go to fucking Costco, dude. So you're like, I'll just order shit. Yeah. It's going to give me diabetes. And then you're like, holy shit,

this is my fault. Yeah. And it's all just coming from the vortex. So moments like that, I'm like, maybe. Yeah. Just to make that food,

like, I mean, you got to make food so fast nowadays. They probably just got like some fat lesbian just shitting out fucking steamers dude listening to the choir on the radio yeah who's that who's that fat chick from uh the cartoon when we were younger fat chick from the cartoon which cartoon she was like a sea creature oh ursula ursula dude you think she's in the back of like a denny's right now just shitting out fucking burgers and shit like that's the matrix

so you're saying like the behind the matrix is like a half octopus, purple ass woman. Yeah. A fat lesbian octopus woman. Yeah. You got to do slinging burgers at reality. She's shooting patties out of her pussy, dude. I got to grow up, dude. I really got to figure it out.

i gotta grow up dude i really gotta figure it out sometimes i say shit dude and i feel like years coming off my life oh man yeah yo i'm surprised like yo i'm surprised i'm even alive today it's fucking wild because you know like so i just got back and i was taking the taxi from the from the airport yeah and uh dude there was so much traffic and my cab driver he fucking he like just rides the side road i was getting so nervous Because dude we were making way He's on the curb He's riding the curb dude He went over like the hazard He bypassed all the traffic We saved like half an hour

And I was like this is perfect because I have to shit And then we get to My place And I'm trying to pay on the credit card And it says like oh cash only and I was like there's no way man so I'm in this cab for like

all the time that we saved through traffic I'm in this car like yelling at the taxi commission office dude I had to shit so I wasn't even making sense of like why i didn't have cash

i'm like i'm just on the phone with the taxi guy like on speakerphone and then this guy also like the taxi driver he's like this jamaican guy and he i'm like i don't have cash because it's in the the bank with the vault like in my head i'm got a shit. So I'm so scared to just say, and I'm giving him reasons. And he's like, uh, no, he wasn't letting you go.

He didn't even understand like what I was saying. So how'd you get out here, dude? So the guy on the phone is like some Slavic accent guy, and he's like, well, did you try turning off the machine? Dude, so he resets the machine. It works perfectly. Wow.

So you thought it was cash only the whole time, and it actually worked? No, no, that's the thing. The computer was down oh but just randomly i was like i wouldn't have gone into the cab if i knew it was cash only he's like no it was working oh it's just not working right now damn and uh none of us including me thought to just restart the thing because i had the shit so bad dude i'm like squirming and it's like it's like the van taxi so i'm just like what was holding you back from saying that what you think that would have benefited you if you were like dude i gotta shit i was very close to just being like listen we can sort this out in a minute i have to shit right now that would have been sick dude If you lifted up your legs And pulled your pants up Like that

And just shit everywhere Credit card machine is down But do you take this for pants Yeah You just yell You're like I know what you did last summer That'll give you about like

A ten second Amount of time Cause like The person hearing that Would like consider it For like a second Yeah they would be like Does this guy actually know what i did last summer and then they're like what did i do last it's like calling his wife

honey you do this every year damn that's wild dude those are the work dude you shit a lot and uh you have to like do you have that yo here's the thing i was traveling it was like a 10 hour sort of flight experience like yeah from i don't even know where were you going i was a i just came back from like portland oregon okay and so that's like from west coast to east coast like it just takes a while and i also just ate so i whenever i travel i'll just eat the shittiest food like at airports and stuff dude i ordered a steak and eggs for breakfast jesus man i ordered an 18 ounce

prime prime rib like steak and eggs at this like really shitty diner dude how much money do you think you're dropping on food a week dude oh so oh, so much. Yeah, I was going to say, man, if you're struggling with money, buying like steak and eggs, bro, holy shit. Well, it was like the last, it was like the cherry on top of the vacation. Yeah. So I was like, oh, I'm never going to do this. So let me get some steak and eggs at 9 in the morning. And then I ordered a double of whiskey and a pint of beer.

Jesus, dude. So then, like, that is, like, what ended up being the experience I had in the cab. I can't imagine, dude. That's wild, man. That's so unhealthy, dude. Oh, my God. Wait, so what were you doing in Portland, Oregon? Oh, I was just with a a buddy we were making some music and then also um I did a oh dude it was so funny I did a open mic uh to

check out like the the scene yeah dude like no one was like laughing at like jokes like i said like a joke where i was i was like um i was like oh i'm usually a prop comic i'm known for having spaghetti in my pockets and i was like but like uh just like i said before my third marriage let's see how this goes and then and then the the the person that comes up after me she she she's like gives me that face like that's weird and then like proceeds to like tell a joke of how she like uh human centipeded fisted herself like with a chain of other like people she was and then and then i think a few people were laughing at that and i was like oh it's just different tastes here yeah wasn't portland kind of like crazy now yeah yeah no well i mean when i was at least the areas

that i was in when i was there it seemed pretty tame but in terms of the comedy it was really interesting to see just like it's a lot of like, everyone's saying the same thing. I'm sober, I hate men, and I hate being white. And I'm in a sexual revolution, and I'm very excited. I'm like, okay, but that's not really anything funny about that. If I was out of town, dude, I would have just fucking been like, you guys want to see a fucking magic trick? Just pull my pants down like at

that point it's like you got nothing left dude you know oh that's so upsetting man it was really funny though yeah women just fucking hate men nowadays huh i think uh i mean seemingly understandably so i mean i don't know but then's like, yo, dickheads be dickheads. It's like I never really, I never see it as like a man-woman thing. I don't see it as a race. It's just like some people are fucking dickheads. Mm-hmm. That's a...

I mean, I'll play devil's advocate, dude. You know? Mm-hmm. It's got to, dude, it's got to be a gender thing for sure. Not that gender exists anymore but i think women just got to get back in the kitchen dude start i really do dude i think that women want to be in the kitchen dude they're just afraid to admit it man i think at this point yeah maybe it's like everyone got so busy they're like oh i think at this point, yeah. Maybe it's like everyone got so busy, they're like, oh, shit. I think at this point, women are like, you know what?

We made a mistake. We'll go back in there. Okay? We'll hang out with the kids. It's going to be fine. Shaking while holding a glass of water. I don't see what's wrong with that, man. You know?

Probably a lot. see what's wrong with that man you know i probably a lot but what i'm not seeing is not for me to deal with that's my presidential speech i am retarded let's get those women back in the kitchen and fuck around. Start throwing fucking... Yeah, I don't know, man. I've been getting into... Oh, I sprained my ankle when I was there because I fell asleep on a chair like this with my foot folded like this.

That's when you sprained your ankle? Holy shit. Dude, I think it's like a fold-over sprain. You going like WebMD or something? Yeah. And so I fell asleep like this for like six hours. Don't tell anyone that, though, dude. Yeah, it's kind of weak, right?

You got to tell people you were like maxing out on caverns or something like that. That's what I would do. You told a chick that, dude? Like you're at least going to get one date, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But if I said that, like, oh, I fell asleep for six hours like this. Yeah.

No. Yeah. But that's cool, man. How's your dating scene going? Just non-existent, man. Yeah. Well, no, because you gave me the tip and i was like oh it's a pretty good tip you must be like laying in the pipe as they say no man still nothing you know but that's

all right dude yeah no no fracking operations of let let like uh just putting putting the pipe in i'm trying to talk like like a guy or something right now no man nothing and uh i wish i had more to say man you know i wish i could be like you know i went on this date man it was fucking wild but i didn't dude and that's fine dude you know i'm not gonna make up something or i'm like it was fucking wild man fucking went deep in that pussy dude you know i'm just gonna be like you know what man i'm not talking to any women right now yeah i don't uh i still have the same like i think i'm so like lost in myself i don't know if I should even be around another girl. I kind of feel like that.

Yeah, I got to figure myself out first before I start finger-banging chicks behind fucking, you know, bars and shit. You know what I mean? Just telling my boys to smell my fingers and shit. I got news for you. It sucks, man, because I feel like I'm a nice guy. I feel like I'm a nice guy I feel like I'm a good guy yeah you know I'm a genuine dude yeah and I'm not putting out you know yeah and that's fine um I just feel like I keep saying like really immature shit and that's why I'm like in the

position I'm in you know what I mean because like I think I'm a good dude but then I'll feel like I keep saying like really immature shit. And that's why I'm like in the position I'm in. You know what I mean? Because like I think I'm a good dude, but then I'll be like, yo, fucking. I'll talk about like queefing in a residential area. And then I think about it. I'm like, oh, this is why. Yeah. You know?

You say you think like you call the bathroom like the coward's room. Yeah, I call it the fucking. the bathroom like the coward's room yeah i call it the fucking i talk about shitting and farting in like like different languages talking about farting i'm like ripping dimes as a grown man i'm saying that it's fucking insane dude it's just like uh yeah it's wild man it's so hard to explain like being a good guy but being as immature as i am you know there's always a trade-off yeah maybe it'll pay off i mean you never know dude well i think you're heading towards like meeting someone with a heart of gold i reckon yeah because i always make jokes about fatties and stuff but

I think we all know that's not gonna happen like me with a fatty it just wouldn't I'd be fucking pissed you know hanging out by the pool my wife's got like

fucking popcorn all over her tits I'm just down in a fucking 30 above light dude yeah just screaming about like what could have been now I do feel like um do you feel like you would uh I think I'd be happier with like a nerdier woman You know what I mean like a Like you said like a woman with a heart full of gold Yeah Yeah I think I'd prefer that

As well You know it's interesting I feel like just someone who Like Just has like Can think for themselves Or something Like an independent woman? Yeah, like an independent woman.

There's a lot of people with internet brain where they're just rehashing shit they read on the internet about how we should be and stuff. And I'm like, that's so annoying. Yeah, the whole ick thing. Yeah, stuff like that. I haven't really experienced it firsthand, but I've been

seeing these posts on the ick stuff stuff i'm like it's yeah it just feels like so toxic man it's crazy yeah i mean because people see things on social media and then they're like oh like i have to be this way yeah dude oh my god yeah yeah dude i've been seeing a lot more of that and it's like it's really fascinating too because it's like this sort of the the need to um like quell the algorithms like taste or some shit and like yo i don't want to fucking play that game because like also yo i i i like to think that like the algorithm is like a it's like a few years old and it's like selecting a lot of content and like oh that's like a few years old and it's like selecting all our content and like, Oh, that's like a fucking baby. Like a baby's like selecting like, yeah,

it's still in its early stages. Yeah. So like the type of content, it just like chooses to, to go like viral is like, yeah, it's sad to think about. Cause it's like,

even from a comedy standpoint, I was thinking about this. It's like, if you go to a comedy show, if there's a group of people laughing, chances are everyone's going to start laughing because they see them laughing. So a lot of people are like followers. But dude, even like, I have a pretty good memory, man. I remember most of the conversations I have with people.

And I remember the first time you came on the pod man and we were just like like no homo just like making babies dude you know i'm saying yeah just felt like there was like some sort of like force between us yeah yeah it was just jerking both of us off oh man and just creating like its own water system you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah but i remember we were talking about like uh and i actually i kind of strayed away from this in the following months was like i really don't think you should be like trying to be funny yo that's the thing that i'm noticing too because also i was playing music the past week as well i think with anything creative like when you're trying to do something it's like i feel like dude however you're funny is just so naturally you yeah it's you can't practice that yeah you can just chill with other people who dig that um but it's like you can't

try to be more you yeah we meet so many people all the time and we uh instead of just being like there's nothing here yeah we have to like force shit that we don't want to force you know yeah it's stressful man it's so much stressful and i think i think that's like part of the like that's where it becomes like a game because it's like it's it's almost it's not that it isn't a problem that feeling but it's kind of like an illusion because if you like it's it's almost it's not that it isn't a problem that feeling but it's kind of like an illusion because if you can move past it and just feel like oh i don't have to just just be okay with whatever effort you're putting in i think like that keeps you sane it's way easier said than done oh dude yeah oh my god man the fucking brain just like the the comparison fucking mindset like that goes off like

just naturally i really have to like put an effort to be like yo chill yeah what the fuck dude it's yeah i find myself saying things sometimes even on the podcast like i'll say them and i'll be like dude what did you just say like in my head i'm like dude who the fuck are you man yeah it's uh yeah like what are you trying to be right now yeah and uh then i think i'm like oh it's because you're like you're forcing it man like you're trying to be something you're not and uh that's why i brought up the whole simulation thing man there's got to be like something genetic where it's like there's a barrier you know yeah like uh i feel like you'd have to spend at least 10 years every day grinding to actually change as a person people say it takes six months but it's like dude if you have to change

everything you know like if i became like a woman's field hockey coach. Oh, yeah. I'd have to be in the lab every day. I'm seeing you 10 years later. Maybe you get it. Maybe. Maybe like a JV position. Yeah.

If I'm at it every day. Yeah. When you get back out there, just like just sort of use that to just like motivate yourself yeah i put up this clip on the fucking scoreboard yeah i'm like you girls see this yeah this is where your boy came from then fucking started from the bottom by drake starts playing dude yeah i fucking start throwing hot dogs at chicks then i get like i get arrested I'm hammered The owner's looking down at the field Just like That's my man

You're just trucking hot dogs He's like This will bring in tickets This is what we need I think he like Actually like likes Who I am as a person But he's like

Nah man We need to bump up ticket sales People are like Wait There's a guy's gonna start throwing hot dogs at lesbians yeah but yeah man i just uh i'm happy we had that talk man because i think about it i'm like damn dude you know what man like at least I had that talk yeah yeah yeah no for sure it's like it's really interesting like I think which is how busy everyone everyone's life is it's like fucking nuts you have to like check in every once in a while and be like getting a load of this shit all right cool just making sure you're just seeing this crazy shit too alright I'll see you later

I used to do that all the time dude I would be like yo are you seeing this shit right now people would be like what dude I don't know if I told you this story but like yo there's like a there's a trans woman in the lobby of my building

and I'm getting out of the elevator and she's like yelling at the lobby guy my my building and i'm getting out of the elevator and she's like yelling at the lobby guy wow and uh she's like i want my mail i want it now and then he's like i need to see your id first before i give you the mail and then she's like you're dead naming me and i don't like it you're a fucking bigot yeah and then I was like yo I've known this guy for like years this guy is like not a mean guy he's literally also just doing his job like he can't legally just give people mail yeah it's going through other people's yeah so then I'm like I like step in and be like oh no I don't think he means that way like you're just as bad and I was

like oh she's like in a fucking rampage right now i was like oh no so then she calls me a bigot the most people i've ever seen in the lobby of like all my neighbors just like oh shit dude it was so it was so whack and then i just said uh oh pardon and then i just left dude that's a good idea man like that's what that's like after that's like my new strategy is just like if if i'm in a tense conversation i'll just look at you seriously be like oh pardon dude i've been saying that since i was born yo if that is the case then life is a simulation because if i'm able to just like oh this is the wrong scene I should leave now dude no one gets it like no one stopped me it was like I was like oh I could have stayed here longer in this nightmare

scenario or uh you left man or I left and I was like oh I just said you're a fucking bigot I'm like oh pardon I just walked out dude that's hilarious and smart yeah dude i've been doing that for so long man like even when i oh good on you even when i used to get bullied and stuff you know well you seem like a pretty level-headed guy in terms of you don't put up with a lot of or not like you don't you're not like uh fuck this you're just sort of like ah this this is stupid yeah it's like what am i gonna do yeah yeah like change your mind you know what i mean are you gonna change that woman's mind no it's like that woman's gonna fucking you know yeah well that's the thing that the male was under her like previous name and i guess i don't know if

she didn't have the id to show like that she like transitioned or something so that's what was causing the because it was like a man's name on the letter they just didn't get it changed yeah or it's like older male yeah i'm gonna be honest man like you can dip but sometimes sometimes you gotta stay you're absolutely right man but in that situation i think my instincts kicked in and i was like oh i could just leave here i never had to be part of this yeah totally depends on the uh i've dude i've gotten myself in a lot of trouble for leaving uh i've done a lot of uh i've done a lot of imagine like a similar situation you're like yeah and then everyone just yells at you i mean dude you want to talk about corporate america man

i used to work for citizens bank and when covid hit they put everyone in the call centers and i promised myself i would never work in a call center like full-time it's just not good for you it's the worst job you can possibly have and citizens bank didn't tell anyone that they were like officially called like call center employees they just sent out this letter in the mail that was like welcome to the call center so like your old job is terminated you have this new job they don't like give you like a formal acceptance dude so like i'm on the phones for like a few weeks and i'm just i can't do this like i literally i'm losing my fucking mind dude so i just dipped that's so great and you had uh it took them two weeks to figure it out like that you were gone because they monitor your phone calls and stuff

so dude i just kept my phone on so i'm taking incoming calls and people are just like hello hello i'm like golfing and uh dude i got a call from the like the like the big swingers bro Dude, I got a call from the big swingers, bro. And they were like, hey, John, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, I'm just hanging out. Like a wicked serious phone call. I just didn't care. And they were like, hey, I just happened to notice you haven't really been on the phone.

We've been monitoring some of your calls. And they actually described one of the phone calls to me no way so this old guy calls and it just automatically picks up like on my end just complete silence this old guy's like hello hello dude they told me he did that for two and a half hours so like they're telling me and i'm like trying not to laugh and uh yeah i got fired man so uh i actually quit but uh that's so funny i just tipped man I was like, you know, I don't want to do this. But I didn't want to, like, quit. You know, I just wanted to see how long it would take.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, you fuck me over, like, I'll fuck you over. You still have to pay me, you fucks. So they were just, like, badgering you about this. And then they actually, they listened to that phone call phone call and they're like do you know that he did this for two and a half hours bro and a call center man they'll like they have people that are like

literally paid to listen to your phone calls all day that's so wild but I think they keep people hanging on because of the money the money is pretty good and the benefits are pretty good so they're like people are kind of tied to that paycheck I mean if you want some money man just work at a call center for like a year yeah you're fucking you're good man they're literally they'll hire anyone dude that's brutal you could be

mentally challenged dude well listen dude if i couldn't find a job i would just go to a call center do like the training and shit because they pay you during the training, and then just dip. You got a few months pay on you, dude. They're like, thanks, this just isn't for me. Dude, the turnover rate's so high, man. People are just walking out every five seconds. Was there anyone that you worked with that like enjoyed the job? No.

I'm sure there's like one person that fucking really just gets off on it. No, dude. You see people that have been there for a long time and you go, dude, I cannot end up like that. Just like these sweaty dudes. You'll go in the bathroom to take a shit you'll hear them taking a shit and you're just like dude if i ever even become moderately close to this guy oh it's over man you know like you're changing people's passwords all day man like you're constantly being micromanaged and you just get like stuck man you just like oh man that mental

like how that feels is that feels awful yeah that's so annoying oh man that stuck feeling is the worst and dude those guys got to wake up at some point you know what i mean like they probably wake up when it's too late like they might have enough money for retirement but then they're like wait what the fuck am i gonna do now yeah you know like also where's my underwear like it's like they're at that point yeah yeah i hate talking about like serious shit like that but it's like it's well you know it matches the the the the weather so to speak you know yeah it's like uh if we were just going ham and cheese right now at a time where it's like there's so much global tension, I think that would also be like we would just be insane people. Well, no, I just meant like for me to talk about like corporate America is so like, yeah, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Like the whole thing's kind of a joke to me. You know what I mean? Oh, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, a lot of the jobs seem like it's just you're kind of just putting information into a grid making sure that information checks out and then and then you get paid like a bunch yeah it's interesting man like uh especially around here it feels like there's so many jobs dude that like we don't need you know what i mean like people are like typing shit into a computer for like a fake company for no reason and it's like it would be nice if we had like manufacturing plants and shit like jobs where it's like you make something and then you're like oh shit like i made this i i helped to make this yeah

yeah yeah like i made these you can actually see like the effect of your work yeah like in a physical sort of uh way some people are trying to like bring that back to i know like jocko willing dude like he has his own um he's making like his own jeans now um oh where is he making them like how is he getting them probably in the midwest yeah he's got like his own plant oh and people are like actually like hand making them boots and shit i mean dude that's gotta feel so good to make a pair of fucking leather boots that are like indestructible dude yo someone sends you a picture afterwards dude i want that oh even if you're just doing like floors or something man just to be like yo i did that bro yeah like i made that yeah i made this shine

yeah just doesn't seem like there's a lot of that around here, man. No. Yeah. It's, I think it's like, it seems like a lot of people just want to be like influencers now. Yeah. They want to like hold like the mocha. Yeah. Be like, this is where I got the mocha. Yeah. Well, do you feel like, do you feel like an intrinsic reward when you make a video?

Yeah. Yeah. I feel happy with like what i like posts i feel yeah yeah it makes me feel happy because like like the the process to getting it done and then seeing the final product yeah that's there there's like uh something really satisfying about that whether like people watch it of course i would want people to watch it but like there's so much to watch is it because it's like your creation or is it just because you created it or like both like do you think you know because there's stuff that like i

work on that isn't my projects there's like stuff that i help on and stuff and i i still feel like that same joy over because i got to help shape something um and uh that that gives me such a nice feeling of like just looking at an image of a thing that i worked on and i'm like oh this image looks really nice i don't mind looking at this i feel the same way a lot of people ask me that about the pod they They're like, yo, can I edit your pod and stuff? And I'm like, no, I actually enjoy putting this together. Yeah. You know? Well, and also, you're really good at doing this, and I feel like it's hard to explain to someone, like, this is how I like to do my cuts.

Yeah. You also want it to be, I mean, I want it to be intimate. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want it to be like a fucking photo shoot yeah yeah but i mean dude like um around here i've noticed there's a lot of like uh producers so like a lot of people who uh make edits for people and stuff yeah yeah yeah i thought of that as well and i'm like i don't want to i don't want to do that yeah i'll help like with a sketch or something or like writing or like editing or but no i i don't like go up to people and like let me let me post your clips yeah well i was thinking uh one of my buddies was telling me like a big name comic who's touring

right now asked him if he wanted to go on tour with him and video his sets and edit them and stuff. But then again, that must be kind of stressful, you know? Yeah. But I don't know. I wonder how that would pan out, you know? You should try doing it. Yeah, I'm not doing it. I was just, you know.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah i feel like yeah man like whatever you got working on right now i think it's like really great i mean i'm a i'm a huge johnny salami fan dude i'm a huge adam chris for fan man yo thank you yo also your episode of top five was really funny i think it was even better that it came out like a few months later because like then you kind of forget like what was filmed yeah i totally was like oh this kid just fucking hates me like because it was so long dude it was like seven months well dude when we recorded it i kind of just went on a hiatus right afterwards because like i did like 60 or plus episodes like in a row

i was gonna ask you what was going on, but I didn't want to intervene with anything. Oh, I appreciate that. I mean, you could have asked. Yeah. I was like people that were asking, I was just like... People that were asking,

I was just saying that I'm on a bit of a break because five episodes a week. Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah. For like three months straight and then working on it on your own while working a job, dude, it was like, it was, it was so much, but it was like cool to, to experience that workflow and to, I just love working with comics and it's, it's so fun to just interact with individuals and how they get to express how they're funny.

That's like... Yeah. It's, yeah. I feel the same way, man. Doing it for the love. I feel like you're, yeah, yeah, you're doing it for the love as well. This is such a, dude, it's important to get out there and get to know people, man. You know, as much of a loner as I am, like, it's important to get out there and get to know people man you know as

much of a loner as i am like it's important to just just get out there man you know yeah do you find yourself like going out there more um i mean i definitely go through phases yeah um i think now i kind of leaning towards more of a break yeah because there's like so much pressure to make this good and like i said man i'm doing a lot better when i'm not trying which is very interesting yeah like this episode not really trying i really have to you know but some episodes i'm like i really gotta fucking uh but yeah man i think i'll figure it out but i also think like taking a break's not that it's not a bad thing yeah yeah no that's also what I experienced as well, was like, oh, it's okay if I don't do this for a little bit. Also, it's like, if I take a break, like, I don't think anyone's really going to notice.

Yeah, that's what I, yeah, exactly, because, again, there's so much shit to watch, dude, and I'm just, I'm already so grateful with whoever likes whatever I'm creating. Yeah. with whoever likes whatever i'm creating yeah because just a little nudge for me to also get me excited to like keep making stuff just like your house is getting trash right now bubs going crazy um yeah no but dude like i said man um just remembering uh thanks for reminding me about just even coming on initially, dude, getting to meet you. Yeah. And I'm happy I didn't scare you away, dude. No, no, no, you never scared me.

Dude, come on. I think... Brothers for life, dude. Brothers for life. Like, we've done some good work. Dude, the... Yeah. Yeah.

But, dude, it's always good to see you, man. This is usually... Actually, I think we might have gotten a voicemail for questions. Oh, really? Might have to cut this out. Let's see what someone – someone left a voicemail, dude. Hey, Johnny, you seem like a well-cultured, very, very classy kind of guy. My main question, me personally, I have a problem where just about every chick I hook up with, which isn't really many to begin with, but every chick, no matter if it's just she creeped out from underneath the bar at the local watering hole, I got to go down on her.

I don't know. I just do it. My main question is, whenever you're going down on a girl and you get a little piece of puke stuck in your teeth, do you wait until afterwards to pick your teeth? Or do you do that shit in front of her just to let you know how good you did uh just let me know bye this question dude this is the first time we've ever answered questions on the podcast it's a great question man yo i like that question and i got my own style for dealing with that okay you just do it kind of like you just kind of you just nudge it out yeah well like the while you're doing the thing you just kind of like in front of her or like you turn the other way no i don't

like look up and like peek my head up and yank it out. Yeah, but me personally, dude, I would definitely like... You have to stay down there, though, dude. You have to fight the fight. Stay in the war. Make a sacrifice. Oh, dude, yeah. I treated like SEAL Team 600 for Bin Laden. You got shot in the arm, and you can still go.

You can still go. You're not out. Oh, no, no, no, no. You're still in the fight, dude. Yeah. Finish the fight. Get back. See a medic.

Your arm's gone, but you're still dancing. Yeah. Recoup, and then just get back in there, man. Like, never give up. Mm-hmm. All right. This guy just, like, fucking drove into an embankment. Yeah, man.

You got your show, Top 5, which is still going. Yeah. So everyone check that out. I did that, Top 5 Farts. Yeah. If you haven't seen that, man. Do you have anything else you want to? No, I'm just very grateful for anyone that watches this,

and I'm happy to be making people laugh. Dude, I've been having more people on who I've had on before, which I was kind of scared to do, but now we like we can just hang out you know like every once in a while dude if you're down oh dude i'm very much down yeah because uh yeah it's it's fun going through the waves yeah just catching up man yeah all right well thank you guys for watching um please like and subscribe we definitely don't have good marketing here because it's just me um then i also i have the patreon going you know where you can ask questions like uh that gentleman just did um and that's it thank you guys