The Johnny Salami Podcast - Alan M

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

Alan M by The Johnny Salami Podcast

All right. What's going on, everybody? Welcome to a new episode of the Johnny Slammy Podcast. Today's guest is my best friend, Alan Moreau. Alan. Hey. Dude, it's so funny how like the first time you came on, like the amount of respect you showed me was like fucking so much more than this. you showed me was like fucking so much more than this so john is commenting on how i have been eating my ben and jerry's pint which i picked up from the cvs nearest house i got some tonight dough it's delicious johnny also requested that i grab him a coffee yeah and like a good dude i literally was like sure i actually at first i was like are you serious I literally was like sure actually at first I was like are you serious because it was 7pm

and he's like yeah and I was like alright he's like why you don't want one and I was like no I don't drink coffee this late so anyway on the way to his house on the way to your crib where we're at right now the Duncan which is down the street is actually closed it is at a gas station though

much respect to Duncan gas stations The Dunkin', which is down the street, is actually closed. It is at a gas station, though. Much respect to Dunkin' gas stations. That's okay, right? So I grabbed a coffee. Is that like a Starbucks energy drink? I grabbed two bullshit coffees. Neither of them are black coffee, but he's drinking one. And when I pulled up and showed up with the two coffees apologizing, he was shocked that he even got coffee at all. I was like, why would you ask?

So that's not disrespectful. That's muy respect. It's very well put, the way you put that together. I was talking about actual coffee, though, dude. But at least you tried. That's what I mean. I knew I didn't come. You made the effort, dude. You spilled? That's awesome. i mean like i knew i didn't make the effort dude

you spilled that's awesome yeah you spilled and he didn't clean it up there's just a puddle of coffee but it's sitting on the carpet that's not very absorbent so it's just like there as if it's like a hard floor that's awesome you're ensuring that it's going to be stained i love it no but the respect i'm showing you is right on par for our relationship. Yeah. I mean, it makes sense now, but you know, like, the first time you meet someone, like, you have to show them respect. And then, like, over time, once you get to know them, you're like, all right, this is, you know. Like, that, for us, has been just, like, a downward slope. Yeah.

Like, you introduced me as, like, your best friend, and I was like, he's not in my top seven. You're just like, I don't even know this guy. I'm literally like, he's in my phone. I know him. was like it's not in my top seven you're just like i don't even know this guy i'm literally like he's in my phone i i know him yeah he's been in my car are you okay though dude i like uh i was like super upset when uh i talked to you on the phone dude you were like you know you said you were sad and shit when was that a few days ago when i i might have been because i told you to come on the podcast and then you might have gotten sad but i forget oh was i just overwhelmed with life and stuff in general a lot of stress a lot of stress talking about it dude uh you've been going to therapy right yeah man still going is it okay we talk about this yeah of course i'm a very open book yeah how many how

many how many therapists have you had? Just one? One. You know what? I've actually technically had two. What happened to the other one? She's no longer with us. No. This was a male therapist. And this was way back in the day.

I'm talking. I was out of college. But only a couple of years out. Not doing. I was out of college, but only a couple of years out, not doing, I was doing fine, but, uh, I went to therapy two or three times and I'm like,

I did the intake and then I did like the other one. There's an intake. No, but you know, the first one, you're really not going over much. They're going over history. This and that.

It's a lot of loaded. Just like if you ever been, you know, violent and all this shit obviously just fucking checking boxes left and right just just put a line down the middle yeah uh closet closeted yeah all that stuff uh no and then um and then i actually uh i showed up under the influence one time. What? Yeah. Like high or like cocked? Or both? Don't remember. Tell the truth, Duke.

No, I don't want this on the podcast. I was fine until then. No, no, you're right. No, no, being real. I'll tell you, though. Tell me afterwards. I showed up stoned. being real like yeah yeah i'll tell you though yeah tell me tell me afterwards i should have stoned like i just i smoked showered up and went thinking i'll be able to like you know because

this is when i was smoking a lot so like you know i mean i don't know much about your you know yeah but you could like how old were you like probably 24 okay so like my age. Yeah. Are you only 24? I just turned 25. Yeah, maybe I was 23. But like basically... Just out of college. Yeah, a couple years ago. All I was doing was like smoking weed and stuff. Probably could have played ball. You make it seem like weed is like a bad thing.

No, but I meant it like, you know, it's just not great to advertise that. But dude, so I literally remember just being like you know and then all of a sudden you're like oh shit i've been quiet for like two minutes so you were like you were like blitzed suited fucking like like yeah when you when you like when you were in the process of like you know like of pre-therapy, though, was there a point where you were like, this is going to be tough? When you were driving there, were you like, I should probably turn around? No. I remember, again, that's probably...

I needed to smoke to the point where it didn't matter. Yeah. I just was like, I'm going to smoke. So you weren't, like, laughing? Maybe I did once or something. But, like, it's really about the fact that, like, dude, it's just, like, a one-hour session or, like, 45 minutes. And, like, you couldn't have just waited to smoke. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, I was just that. I was self-medicating. I had problems. So what happened? I just never went again did he did he know probably but he didn't like it wasn't didn't get brought up it was just like i was just like yeah yeah i'm not going like dude if i was in that situation like and he's like he or she said something serious dude i'd start crying laughing yeah i think i definitely probably you know what i did because you know me i probably sat there silent for a while and at one point i was just like

just like nonchalant right like like thought about or like thought about the fact that like yeah i'm fucking sitting here stoned and therapist definitely knows like they they like they lie to you too like in the intake process because like go on you know and like the the lifetime movies and like the shows they're always like my man's talking about lifetime movies you've been a therapy dog no but you know the the common theme with therapy is like you know if you want to fucking blow your dick off like they can't tell anyone with therapy is, like, you know, if you want to fucking blow your dick off, like, they can't tell anyone. Oh, okay. But it's, like, if you're going to put someone in danger, like, they'll call the fucking SWAT team, dude.

Oh, yeah. Well, they say, like, because I've said it. I'm just like, oh, I just want to fucking kill myself. That's not a real threat. I don't actually want to do it. I know I'm supposed to. I'll do that. But it's all about, like, the thought.

Like, I would do, like, I thought like i would do like i would commit suicide in like a fucking creative way like i wouldn't you know there would be like a lot of elements involved what are you saying about the lying part what do you mean no she's just like yeah like if you have dead bodies in your car just let me know now i won't tell anyone and i like laughed it off and then eventually we got into like suicide talk and i was just like i was throwing like creative ideas out there you know like involving like helicopters and like jerking off and shit she was like she was like she's like you know like if you're to put someone in danger, I need to know. I'll send you to Butler Hospital.

Yeah, and what did you say? I was like, I'm just fucking with you. You know what I mean? She was super serious. She was like, I will send you in an ambulance to Butler Hospital. Oh, this is intake? I mean, were you like, where were you? First or second meeting.

She was trying to get to know me. What brought up... Tonight dough. It's delicious. It's not disrespectful. It's how comfortable I am with you. Think of it like that. That I can eat a pint of ice cream in front of you.

What got you into talking about suicide with her? It was one of her questions. She was like, have you ever thought about it? And I was like, dude, every day. I was like, you ever thought about it and i was like dude every day i was like i was like i'm not like i don't have a plan i don't have like a blueprint okay i was like you know sometimes i'll be driving on the highway and just think about like fuck it i don't know dude i would just bring up random shit i'd be like imagine if i fucking just took out like an ak-47 and like shot like an oil tank on the highway. But she was like, she thought about it and she's like, you know.

She's like, hey, just to let you know. That would be like a genocide. Yeah. So she's like thinking, she's like all right i think i gotta help this struggling young man but also he might be a terrorist first of all my mom was like you should see a guy because you're super immature like a woman a woman's not gonna like yeah i'm shocked that you were able to so i like when i they asked who i wanted to meet with and they mentioned the name daryl and i was like yeah i'll meet with daryl and they were like all right two o'clock whatever dude daryl was a fucking smoke show bro

it was just this hot chick named daryl so this chick was like trying to get to know me like figure me out and i was how old do you think she was i mean she's married you know uh once like i told her about you know comedy and stuff she's like all right that's good you know like that you're not yeah you don't just have you have some type of outlet like you know like like you're creative obviously with your suicide yeah she was like oh this makes sense now like right like you're you're a tortured but before like leading up to that like she was just like oh this guy just like you know and this was when you were working where it was like two years ago okay i can imagine i was just saying that because like you said you never went back i tried to go back okay and they were like

i was like super sad one day and i called the secretary answer and i was like yeah i'm looking to uh schedule an appointment you know this is john psyche and they were like who and i was like oh you know john like i've been to you know i've been to a few meetings you know i'd like to schedule uh like a follow-up with daryl and they were like oh like we can't do that and i was like i was like what they were like yeah daryl uh she's moving to a new location she's not taking any any new clients and i was like i'm not a new client they were like she's not taking you and i was like okay and that was it but my question is like when you were going to see the therapist you set an appointment all right hey so next you know when's the next time you're you know are they schedule appointment how did you leave off the last appointment without having

a scheduled one that's what i'm asking did you skip one and that's dude she was she would talk about like she said she thought i was normal for the skip one and that's dude she was she would talk about like she said she thought i was normal for the most part and that we made progress and i was like oh that's good and she was like you know like you're not like throwing feces at anyone like she talked about her time at butler hospital and she's like you she's compared to other people like as fucked up as we are like you and i going to therapy getting help she was like comparing you to some of the people i've met with like you're very fucking normal and i was like what she was like yeah yeah but what so that kind of like diminished the future meetings and she was like if you ever like

you know if you're ever sad again or you want to talk let me know and that's what did you originally see her for by the way she sounds like a pretty shitty therapist mine's awesome mine's about like life goals and positive like literally she's like you know attract you you know fucking we'll met she'll be like you attract all the right people to do you know like you are the greatest host on the east coast yeah like that she's like i'll be like oh i'm the best host on the fucking oh my new england and she'll be like no say you're the best host on the east coast it'll become true and like say you know I'm just That's a comedy example But you know

You joked If you want to hook me up With that therapist I'd be more than happy to Mine was straightforward She was like She sucks She was like

You're a piece of shit Like you're here for a reason She was super straightforward No mine was honest But it's also like She's like go towards the You know once she figured Stuff out and this and that

You know She wouldn't I'm just sad. She's, like, why are you sad, Alan? Why are you sad? And, like, she won't, like, fill in the. So, like, she asked you a question. She wouldn't fill in the.

All right. So, I'm your therapist. Alan, why are you sad? You answer it. What does she say? Like, I would sit there for a while and, like, actually think. I would go deep. I'm talking about, like, why am I sad?

Like, because life isn't what i thought it was going to be like you're a little kid and you're like all right one day like the adults will be in charge like you know you always look at adults like all right they're in charge they know what they're doing and then you get older you're like most people in positions of power or just a lot of people look they're just fucking morons yeah they literally are just older lot of people look they're just fucking morons yeah they literally are just older it's not like they're better than a child it's like some of them like you know like that fucking bully or that fucking where like yep he might be like you know fucking you know yeah principal of a school one day or you know he's he might be a lieutenant or whatever you know like yeah like that guy who screamed penis in health class he's older now right you're right here right now exactly but like that's the thing like not everyone like you can just have a kid

yeah like they want like you could have four kids but you also couldn't like do my job like my day job one should be harder than the other right and it ain't but having kids is not one of them they're like yeah you can just have them like like yeah bro yeah you you can fuck and just pop one out and whatever dude imagine being that though, who just never pulls out and he just still never has a kid. Like he's trying hard and he just he can't. I don't want to be that guy. Yeah. I don't want to imagine being that guy.

We have a friend who's having another baby. He's had so many. It's like, oh, my God, this poor guy. Accidental. Yeah, dude, that is scary. But I was upset, dude, when you said you were sad, dude. Did I make you sad? Because I care about you, dude.

Yeah, I don't think I care about you as much as I care about me. I know that. But that means a lot for you to say that. Yeah, I just want you to remember that. You just see me on the news tomorrow. Fuck have no one i had no one to talk to yeah i literally had my boy alan over like a podcast talking about suicide and he's just like yeah i don't really think about it dude what would you do if you like turned on the news tomorrow and it was me on like i-95 i would be pulled up next to an oil truck

fucking 12 gauge dude i would i would have also the greatest you alan i would have the greatest 87 like facebook status in the history of the fucking universe would it be like emotional what would you say if i died dude come on be honest dude you would put up a facebook post you would oh i would it'd be a long one it'd be funny yeah have a little little tug at the heartstrings and then probably end with like fart i go probably like fart hashtag farts something stupid yeah I'll make me proud do I'd be like I'd be watching down I'd be like yo this kid is like my boy like I have like a little special place in my heart for him I'll occasionally bring

him to like shows like when I'm networking with like other comics I'm not cool with yet I definitely don't like keep him near me they'll even like ask a genuine question like yo is he okay and shit and i'll just be like um yeah i just gave him a ride he's yeah he's rhode island he's from he's he's young don't don't worry about him just you know kind of make excuses for you but also not like want to have to put the you on the spot to have to speak i'll be like yeah no he's he'll be all right why did he do anything to you no all right yeah he's fine just let me know if he bothers you yeah no there's a lot of mixed feelings that go on get the white socks get the sweats tucked in the white socks that's what's up yeah i wear this to the gym dude i wear these in

public but it's usually frowned upon sweats i mean those are shitty no no no these are these are from walmart the what like both the socks like and the sweats yeah the sweats are just those are like yeah those are junky sweats like they're not i went to physical therapy today dude and i was wearing like my dress fucking pants and i had like a shit stain like right next to my right knot dude and my my physical therapist was like open your legs i'm gonna i'm gonna see where you're at like flexibility wise wait you actually had a like poop stain it was uh it was from a bagel this morning like a chocolate chip bagel like it fell on my lap and just like got shit everywhere chocolate chip bagel just get a muffin

and well one of the ladies at work like hooked us up she uh she brought in like free bagels so i just felt like i had to do it so you did pt what are you doing pt for on my back when people ask i'm just like yeah dude i've just been getting fucking banged you know what i'm saying because i don't want to talk it's time to time to eat some ice? Because I don't want to talk about it. It's time to eat some ice cream. I just don't want to talk about it. Yeah, they think I might need surgery, dude. On your lower back? What do you got? What's the issue? No, it's my hip.

My hip's like fucking with my back. Your hips are tight. Yeah. Tight hips. I don't want to talk about it, dude. We've talked about this. I had problems with my back, remember? It all came down to my hips. I don't want to talk about it, dude. We've talked about this. I had problems with my back, remember? It all came down to my hips.

It all came down to you getting banged by fucking six dudes a week. I'm going to let that bomb sit. If you were a girl and you saw me, like, what would your first thought be? I don't think I'd even see you If it was like Like I have empathy I'm a dude Yeah

I have empathy I think a lot of empathy And that's the only reason I really kind of Chill with you Let's be honest It's gonna fall If I was a girl

Yeah A woman Lacking empathy Yeah You'd be invisible to me. Dude, that's going to fall. I can't wait. Dude, if I got hard when that falls, would you be okay? Don't let that bomb sit. Dude, if that glass breaks.

Who uses that bike? It's mine. That's awesome. Do you use it? I try to, yeah. Does it have a little digital thing on it where it can time it and stuff? I have a strap on. And I get suction cups to the wall.

And then I hop on the bike. And I just get it after, dude Mac in It's Always Sunny has that Really? He's got it on the bike Coming up through the seat Every time he pedals It goes up, goes back down

Goes up, goes back down Mine comes behind He uses it for motivation Really? You want to sit down Boom! Sits you right back up That's what he says

It's funny Wow That's a good idea, actually It's great What were we talking about? Oh, yeah If I was a If you were a girl and you saw me. I look over and I think to myself,

this guy is going to buy me drinks one day. And that's all. That's a realistic thought, though. Yeah. Like a girl would allow you to buy them drinks Without your personality Really Yeah I mean most girls would

Yeah well that's what I mean Meaning like I I'd be like oh I'd let them buy me a drink after work Dude I can't wait till I'm dating like a 10 I'm just gonna wear a fucking helmet backwards And just egg your house John I want that to happen

Dude I want that to happen too I don't think you get Do you want what's best for me I want that to happen. I don't think you get. Do you want what's best for me? I want you to be happy. Do you want me to succeed? I want you to succeed just slightly less than myself. But I want that for you. Where did you go to college?

Springfield College. Okay. We had a game against williams really like filthy filthy college yeah they're nasty i didn't sleep the night before like i literally laid in bed the whole fucking night just like wait you know when you're like all right i'm gonna fall asleep all right if i fall asleep right now i get two hours of sleep then it was like all right i fall asleep right now i can get 45 and then it was just like yo this is crazy and then i like slept on the ride up like maybe like an hour but it felt i felt so sick i couldn't even like hear anything

i think i was in the middle of an episode to be honest. But you know when you just not going to tell anyone like hey I think I'm having an episode. You know I'm just like in lap lines like just fucking like a zombie. Like I could barely move. Yeah. I remember that.

I also remember That was it? One time my parents came to a game they got to the arena before me you know shitty that is i was like coming across the campus was it a big game it was just a game but it's like fucking like like i didn't even like like everyone was warming up and i like just like getting you know what i mean it's funny because like you're like you were definitely a hard-o dude did you wear a do-rag no really

what'd you wear right biggest game dude playoff game semi-final game what are you wearing be fucking honest give me a good answer we were our jumpsuits on the bus no no i'm talking about like sneakers like do you wear a shooter sleeve no they didn't even fucking exist they like came no no like iverson had a shooter sleeve it was iverson had a shooter sleeve it wasn't like everyone had them you know what i mean like losers wore shooter sleeve i didn't fucking wear a shooter sleeve losers did yeah now it's like normal you know compressions and all that i did have kobe's i had nike kobe's when he like his first i think it was like nike kobe zoom once go ahead dude one time i shot the ball in the wrong basket at the boys club

i remember this and they counted the points for the other team and i got taken out of the game dude if you were if you were like if you were my coach like how would you react would you take me I remember this. And they counted the points for the other team, and I got taken out of the game, dude. If you were my coach, how would you react? Would you take me out? Would you keep me in? You'd just be like, ah, all right, come on. Make a joke out of it. Make him feel good. You don't be like, he's out.

I was so upset, bro. It was all in that, too. Was it a shot or a layup? It was an inbound pass. like i was playing pg dog someone inbounded to you dude first of all i was like 300 pounds i saw a picture i had legit woman's tits dude you were fat and you had glasses i put up a fucking dude i put up a triple double triple double every game dude no. No joke. Fucking lights out. No.

So, dude, I thought they were in like a fucking – I thought we were shooting on the basket on the side we were on. They were pressing you. I thought they were pressing me. So once I got the ball inbounded, I was like, bro, you're just going to give me this wide-open shot? Boom, dude. Fucking all net, dude. Like sucked the air out of the place.

My coach didn't even give me a second chance. He was like, dude, you're fucking dumb as shit. Like, put me on the bench. Dude, I was so upset. But that's the wrong coaching move. You got to keep me in the game. It's the Boys and Girls Club. It's not even competitive.

It's supposed to be rec. It's literally recreational. Dude, they stopped the game. They were like three points for a fucking shit dits like dude they made it known that like what happened like even people who didn't know what basketball was who were there just to support people were like that's fucking retarded bro but i'm saying dude like that dude that fucked me up a little bit you know you held on to that

for a while yeah i mean dude i was fucking you know in the winter in the winter i was putting up shots with the snow on the ground dude just for that moment how old were you like 13 14 maybe oh my god yeah i was picturing like nine really no no no this was like uh this was probably like the phase before middle school. I mean, you weren't 14. It was before middle school. That's not how that works. No, no, no. You know what I mean, dude. The last era of boys club ball. Like the oldest you can be to play there.

Right, right. So I was like a fucking franchise player. Like when I came back the year after the year before they were like dude this kid's this kid's gonna put up some numbers after that john snooze fest i'll try to pick up the energy um i was like i saw john at the park because me and john lived near each other when he started comedy like early on i remember being like this fucking kid thinks he's a comedian and uh we're playing ball and i'm talking like i always do like a fucking idiot and uh i was like yelling at my two like teammates who like are my boys and like i'm better than them and they're like you know they're like

out of shape because they're real adults and i'm like yeah you guys gonna do this and i was guarding you and you were scoring every play and i'm like yeah you guys gonna do this and i was guarding you and you were scoring every play and they were like yo you're talking the whole time but the only dude scoring is the guy you're on and i'm like i had nothing to say because i you know like the right oh you should be here you should be a guy and then like literally while i'm doing that like the ball just kept going to you and you're just like scarring scarring, scarring, scarring. Yeah. Like, the score was probably, like, six to four.

And you had, like, five points. I thought you were going to say something super negative, dude. That wasn't that negative. Yeah, I was actually really positive. Yeah. You were, like, basically they were, like, Alan, you're literally getting scored on, like, play after play. And they weren't wrong. But it was kind of, like, it really was true that I was, like, i was like doing everything else almost like trying to be in the right position because they sucked

but it didn't change the fact that like literally my man was the one scoring yeah but i couldn't like come out with the language of like no it's because i get out of position because i'm helping just like yeah you're right he's he's scoring like we basically like lost because like i'm a baller dude You were balling out It was fucking all division dude JV They don't have that I was just wondering like as a coach If you would have kept me in

I would have coached you at least You gotta pull him aside How do you coach that though Honestly I would coach so that like I hate to say like i wouldn't have let that happen but like i would have had you in a position to not make that possible but also you got to be positive it's the boys and girls so i'll coach you up hey it's all right all right i'd make a joke out of it to try to make you feel better because i know and i'd actually probably say

something to the whole gym like all right guys you know never nothing you know you gotta keep it light yeah because you already feel bad enough there's nothing like no one can say something to make you be like oh really i did the wrong thing right there like you knew like you weren't gonna be like oh i shouldn't have done that is that what you're saying guys like you know what i mean yeah no like if you did something like embarrassing yourself right just to like throw everyone else yeah i just i just just forced out a fart or take a shit in the middle of the fucking court that i'd be arrested for i think yeah dude that would take the eyes off me dude that'd be like a sacrifice that'd be like you know that'd be like the mayans and yankins like they'd be proud if you took a fucking duper on half core dude all right i'm sorry man yeah

man i'm just yeah let's uh let's bring the energy up you're the one with the coffee i'm a little tired you know we've had a long day i'm exhausted dude you're exhausted i just worked all day and then i went to physical therapy i had to have some dude finger my ass literally like fuck with my back and shit i'm exhausted dude john a lot of butt play talk from you today you know what i thought i thought dude do you think that's weird that you talk about butts a lot like no i think it's weird that like anyone would be bothered by that i'm not bothered dude i'm not even close to bother about it i told my friend i was gonna jerk him off in the rain and he was like all right yeah but that's you've mentioned about coming out of the closet to me more than 10 times in

our relationship yeah do you ever consider why you joke about it was more than 10 it was probably like maybe three times in the past like two days or so. Do you ever wonder why you joke about it so much? Do you think you're... I genuinely want you to be uncomfortable. Do you think there's a part of you that can... You do think sometimes, like, what if I am gay? Dude, you're super gay.

Dude, you take your dick out every time I go to your house. My goodness, the people at home don't believe that. The people at home know me. They know Alan. Dude, you put up a video of you taking your dick out in front of your roommate, in front of Alan. Jonathan.

It's all in video, dude. It's literally you being like, hey, look at this. It was for comedy, and it did well. It was funny. Yeah, that's why I joke about it. It was enjoyed. I don't think it's funny, honestly. I think it's a big deal.

Dude, do you think your dick can make somebody else gay? Like, dude, like all jokes aside, like that was funny. But what if you did that to someone who was straight and then they came out of the closet? See what he's talking about? Do you see this, people? No, I'm just saying tell everyone go ahead john tell everyone since i met you dude like even if you laugh like something's like hilarious you'll laugh and they just be like it's fucking wild dude is have you ever laughed like for like you've ever been able to not stop laughing yeah like have you ever thought about something and just, like, not stopped? One time I was in high school.

I was running late to practice. I got out of my car. And it was, like, ice. It was ice everywhere. And I stepped on the ice. And I went right up in the air and, boom, slammed wicked hard. And there was only one person, like, out in the parking lot. And they were just sitting in the air and boom slammed wicked hard and there was only one person like out in the parking lot and they were just sitting in the car it was one of the kids on the team's dad

he's just watching me he's like you all right i'm like yeah like tried to make a joke out of it as soon as i get up as soon as i get up boom i went down again and i tried to make a joke out of that like oh i can't seem to do and then boom again and then it just wasn't funny to anyone anymore because you could tell i was in a lot of pain and i definitely had to like get into practice and he had like nothing to say he was just like yeah were you laughing it off or were you like i was uh wicked embarrassed and like mad that it kept happening which is why it was so funny. Yeah. Because I was actually, like, angry.

You know, kind of like, oh. And I just, like, you know, like, it's just so slippery. Yeah. It doesn't matter what you do. Like, you pretty much have to, like, crawl. I couldn't, obviously, because I was trying to hustle up and get into practice. So just, boom, like, slammed the ground so hard. Yeah.

Like, two or three times. That's funny as fuck, dude. It ground so hard. Yeah. Like two or three times. That's funny. It's fucked, dude. It's wicked funny. That's so fucking funny, dude. Especially though, because no, it was also funny though

because I knew they were like only one witness. Yeah. And it's not like me and him are ever going to tell that story together. Yeah.

So like the story's not funny. Be like, guys, here's what happened. You know, Mr. Albert was in the car and people would be like, what? Like it's very funny if people like all my, the team was watching yeah they'd like kill me you know

they'd be dying it's probably telling us kids that story though right now no yeah dude i uh i tried out for rugby true story tried out for rugby in college you made it and the way the gym was set up they had the treadmills in the back and all the weights in the front so the girls soccer team they were on the weights and they were doing like barbell squats and like deadlifts and stuff and they were going hard the rugby tryouts you had to like run on this treadmill for like five minutes straight it was going like 10 miles an hour dude i was wearing short shorts no underwear didn't have any underwear why just didn't have any it was the first week of school didn't bring any underwear to school right i had rugby shorts from uri so i'm wearing rugby shorts from a different team like it has

like the uri logo on it no underwear dude dude he cranks up the treadmill bro i'm fucking i'm listening to music like pumping my arms and shit dude my balls were so loud bro like everyone in the gym knew like people thought like someone was clapping like it was so loud how does that happen they don't tighten up dude they're fucking they were flopping everywhere dude no underwear dude rugby shorts it was like this mesh material and they were like really dude it was so bad and i was just like, like, in my head, dude, no joke. I was like, you need to make the team. Like, you need to belong somewhere. And it was just so loud, dude.

Like, the coach, like, literally was like, stop. Like, but I was listening to music, so it just kept going, dude. And then someone eventually told me, like, I caught on. It looks like everyone was laughing. Like, look at this fucking pussy and shit. Like, literally, dude, like, that was my reputation for, like, the first few weeks. I caught on Cause like everyone was laughing Like Look at this fucking pussy And shit like Literally dude Like that was my reputation For like the first few weeks

That you were the ball clapper? Yeah Like that's the kid With the floppy nuts and shit But you made the team Yeah I made the team dude Were you boys with people Because of that?

Oh dude I was so mad after that Like we went to squat And deadlift I was just like Dude just load up the bar I'll fucking I'll fucking tear my dick off

Right now dude Did you make friends? I made a few friends i mean they said they were my friends but i don't really know honestly did it i don't know man i had a hard time because i was always like that guy in the background right and like but people knew you as that in like high school now it's like new people so it's like yeah honestly dude nobody really the rugby guys didn't uh they thought i was gonna cause like a genocide and like they thought i was mute but they ended up coming to like one of my comedy shows and i don't i didn't bomb so i think they were like all right we like this kid now okay so i think that was like my scapegoat but i think if i if they didn't know, so I think they were like, all right, we like this kid now. Okay. So I think that was, like, my scapegoat.

But I think if I, if they didn't know. They'd be like, this guy's a serial killer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was, like, my escape. Like, they came to a bunch of shows. Like, they loved it, dude. Okay. There was even hot chicks sometimes who were like, we want to come to a show.

And I was like, I love you. You know what I mean? But, like, that was my only way of, like, breaking in. Like, rugby wasn't, like, you know what i mean but like that was my only way of like breaking in like rugby wasn't like you know that was that was the opening you had to bring something to the table you know what i'm saying like you couldn't just be like fucking you know i fucking you know i went to high school like you had to be like this is this is what i bring to the table this is why you should hang out i remember there was this tough girl in high school. Like a, you know, there's like, oh, she's a bad girl.

Like a tough one. Like a bad girl. She would always, like, pick on her. You know, she had problems, obviously, but she was like a fucking, like, a hood girl. Like, da-da-da. My friend Allie, like, one day, just, like, snapped on her and beat the shit out of her really like the huge bully girl yeah for what my friend ali just like grabbed her by the pony just like beat her up grabbed her by the ponytail

was like smack like dragging her around like literally like a cartoon version of like a beating her up like just yeah she and she wasn't wrong i mean like it was in response to like finally being like yo like i'll like and and come to find out ally had her own stuff going on but like you wouldn't have you know what i mean she was like like attractive and like kind of kept her but like not saying attractive means anything but you know what i mean you wouldn't have expected if someone's like yo you know so-and-so beat the shit out of that hood girl you'd be like what i'm talking like you saw in like real time i didn't see it but it was like a whole thing it was in school like in the hallway like

blood i thought you were there yeah like bloody hallway wow like genuinely like splattered like a true like ass whooping yeah but like like on paper it's like yep this bully after x amount of months or years like got her ass dragged around the hallway publicly in front of everyone while this girl who was half her size like broke her nose did all this shit like just do you think you would have gotten hard if you were there like if you saw it i would have fucking gotten like hot like i get i get wicked like anxiety like i don't like violence like i i'm attracted to chaos in like a bad way would you have jumped in to break it up i wouldn't uh i definitely would have like had that pit feeling in your stomach of like i don't like it like i don't want people to be hurt yeah but also like you know i'll fucking hurt someone you know i'm saying like i feel yeah like i've been violent but i i hate it hate it because of like the the aftermath just like

i don't like i don't want to hurt someone but i've done it yeah and i wasn't like wrong like meaning like it was like, if you want to say I was righteous, even though you're not supposed to hurt someone, it was like, dude, does you say I'm like, no,

I'm serious. I couldn't like sleep. Like I knocked this kid out, but like, I still like, I felt serious. I couldn't sleep. I knocked this kid out, but I still felt bad. Yeah, no, no. He used a homophobic slur in public. Directed at me in front of him and all his boys, and I was alone.

Oh, shit. He called you gay? He's a faggot. Shit, dude. Did you do something gay? No. Buddy guy got you pissed As soon as he said it I snapped

But I was wicked calm We gotta go into the why The why what? We gotta discover the why Yeah because I used to be like what if I'm gay And so then you also And then like you know you have family members who are Or whatever and then you're like

It's not that he called you a faggot it's that he used that to hurt you so it wasn't like am i gay it was more like why would you use that word to hurt someone because there are gay people like that's well dude i was that would have been insane if you just started throwing haymakers like blood was flying everywhere you like jerked him off and then you yelled i'm gay like in front of the whole cafeteria i thought you're gonna say like kissed him because that would have been funnier you just said like kiss him i said jerked him off though yeah that wasn't funny you don't think that would have been funny? Nope. I know someone who was in like about to be in like a big,

like it basically started like a brawl, but it was two guys. They're like, you know, when you're like about to fight and it's like big group around him. And it was like one guy just like leaned over and like, you know, like you're like, you know how the guys do that back in the day,

like, and they're literally practically like touching noses. Really? There's one guy who was just like, leaned over, and like, you know, like, you know how guys do that back in the day, like, and they're literally practically like, touching noses. Really? There's one guy who was just like, kissed him on the cheek, to like, throw him off.

Wow. Kissed him on the cheek, and then just, boom, then it was a big brawl. Wait, he kissed him, and then knocked him out?

Like, kissed him on the cheek. And then knocked him out. Then just started to fight, like, but it was kind of, you know, it was kind of just, fuck with him. what i mean like kind of like instead of being like fuck you it's more like well dude it is a it's a it's definitely an effective tactic like remember

when mike tyson was like i'll fuck you till you love me faggot like everyone was like fucking what you know i'm gonna fuck him in the street yeah it's so good Go ahead and promote your shit dude So I can get the fuck out of here man What do you got coming up Alan First of all follow me on Instagram At underscore Alan Morrow Underscore Just type in Alan Morrow on Instagram Like that's fine

Twitter Same thing Just type in Alan Morrow I'll come up Okay Instagram Alan Morrow Also New'll come up. Okay. Instagram, Alan Morrow. Also, new podcast, The Parlay Pod.

I'm doing it with Joe Buckley and Eric Monroe. It's pretty cool. We talk about gambling and stuff. We just had a guest on last night, Rob Christensen. He writes for Jon Stewart's new show, The Problem, on Apple TV. We're moving through. We're plugging away. I got Comedy Connection a week from today.

Not sure when this episode is coming out, but October 28th, I'm at the Comedy Connection. November 16th, I'm at Bell and Hand Comedy in Boston November 25th and 26th I'm at the Comedy Connection again No, 26th and 27th hosting for Joe List We got some stuff We got

We got some stuff I tell you what We got some stuff Alright, there you go everybody Follow Alan, go to his shows I tell you what, we got some stuff. All right, there you go, everybody. Follow Alan. Go to his shows. Support Alan and all the great things he does.

Alan, thanks for coming in. Hey, thanks for having me. I'm also at the Beacon Hill Pub on November 21st.