The Johnny Salami Podcast - Alec Flynn

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

Alec Flynn by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Oh, bro, I'm hurting. Good egg. Fuck yeah, dude. Good head on his shoulders.

Yeah, man, I remember when I first saw you, dude. I mean, I was in the front row of your show. And there was a moment, dude, where like we locked eyes and I was like, he's not looking away right now. No, like you wouldn't look away. I don't like to look away. And I didn't know what to do, man. I think I got a little chubbed up to be honest. I'm penetrating you with own my gaze. Do you find that helps on stage? Absolutely. Really? I think if I'm ever having like a string of jokes where they're not landing with everybody yeah it really helps for me to go and just look directly at the person who's like fucking with me the most yeah and just like fucking with me like in a good way

and just like tell the entire joke to them because then it gets back to how comedy really is just a one-sided conversation so if i'm looking someone directly in the eye and I'm just having a full blown, like then it feels like we're back to a conversation, like as if I'm at the bar and I'm just kind of talking to you and I relax a little bit better. And I think it, once I see them,

it hit really hard with them. Then I go, all right, I can go back and start talking to everybody else. Yeah. It was wild, man. Cause I'm always looking at like wall, kind of zoning out.

I tried that the other night to some hot chicks, just looking directly at them. Dude, I think I lost five years of my life. Because they looked away. They were like, stop. That's why you have to keep looking. You don't. You share. And then, honestly, if two jokes go by and they don't look back,

then you go, hey, I'm up here. Hey, hey, hey. I got the XXXL polo in the stash now. I mean, I'm unstoppable, man. I wouldn't use that word, but yeah. I didn't want to cause a flash flood warning or anything like that.

Flash flood from their pussies. I should have told them that, dude. No, but you have to keep looking at them. You have to just looking at them yeah cause I you have to just keep making eye contact yeah I'll try that next time

and then like look at and then once they finally do you go do you not like me yeah can you do that with everyone like you meet you can just look

right in their eyes yeah I think that's a pretty important cause you got some pearls dude no homo no it's okay yeah I'm all about eye contact

I'm all about listening I'm dead serious No, it's okay. Yeah. I'm all about eye contact. I'm all about listening. I'm dead serious. Really? Because it's just the end of the day. People meet dickheads like me all the time. Yeah. And if I can just at least make like an actual human connection and be like a real person to people, then I think it's a lot easier to get along. Yeah. I think people automatically don't want to like me people kind of freak out when other like if you're getting looked at people

kind of start to freak out a little bit good like why is this guy looking at me well i just also i love confrontation really it's one of my favorite things like physical or emotional uh just verbal mostly okay i like i mean on an. You get after it with people? I get after it. Buddy, hey, listen, if you're behind me and you try and hit the hallway and make a run for the front until everybody in front of you has gotten your bag, I'm going to start jawboning. Wow. I'm going to start getting, I'm going to be like, oh, yeah, no, go right the fuck ahead. I'll go fuck myself, I guess.

Okay. A little bit of like rhetorical humor not yeah but i want them to know yeah this is not okay when you're falling what other stuff are you dropping like you got any like go-to's that like you you drop yeah i'll go oh yeah no go ahead i'll go fuck myself i'll go fuck myself and then i look at them in the eye just like that and i go i'll go fuck myself that's good so i want them to know that they're inconveniencing another human being like we're all we're all not just you know npcs it's a common phrase yeah we're real people yeah that's we all have we all also have places to go yeah mine is my go-to is uh with a straight face i uh i'll say change my diaper you got to keep a straight face though I'll say, change my diaper. You gotta keep a straight face, though.

Because, dude, that'll throw anyone off. Yeah. And that phrase has been around for so long, too. Do you also use your voice and go, Goo Goo Gaga, I'm a baby. I should. Change my diaper, boy. You think you could make it past the first stage, though, with that? If, like, if we got into confrontation you spit your shit i straight face go change my diaper you're gonna be able to make it past that yeah i think i'd go i think i'm trying to think right

now i think i'd probably go all right really i feel like you and i would bend over and i'll let you feel it well i feel like you and i would just become friends after that yeah we would like do you want to hang out this guy's crazy yeah that'd be a good start to a friendship i mean dude hey what were you doing last night you're like i was playing hoops till 10 30 by myself i go yeah dude lone ranger yeah you ever you ever shoot hoops i feel like you do a lot of activities like that where you'll just be by yourself and you're waiting for someone from like the FBI or a government agency to come up to you and go

Mr. Salami we've been looking for you I didn't want to be found yeah we have one more mission I mean that's you ever watch Lifetime movies? dude I've actually I've never dabbled you serious right now? when I look at you You ever watch Lifetime movies? Dude, I've actually, I've never dabbled.

You serious right now? When I look at you, I see a dude who knows, like, some of the bangers. Is that the vibe I'm giving off? Yeah, I feel like you'd watch, like, The Fault in Our Stars on, like, a Saturday night if you're not busy or something. No, dude. You would call that gay? I've never seen The Notebook. My favorite romantic comedy is The Breakup, which I don't even think is a romantic comedy because like they don't get back together jennifer aniston yeah yeah jennifer aniston and

vince vaughn i'm a big vaughn guy yeah he's a good guy i'm a vaughn head yeah you remember that scene where he's just um they're at the bar and like jennifer aniston's going on a date with another guy and vince vaughn and john favreau are sitting there and vince vaughn's like i don't know man he's going she's going on a date with this other guy and Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau are sitting there. And Vince Vaughn's like, I don't know, man. He's going, she's going on a date with this other guy. And he goes, what's his name? I'll take care of it. He goes, no, don't do that. He goes, right.

You're not involved. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. He goes, no, I don't think you understand what I'm saying. Like, do not, don't do anything to this guy. He goes, your fingers aren't even on it. All right. It's taken care of.

But you weren't even here. Right. He's like, no, I don't think you're understanding what I'm saying. He goes, I understand you perfectly pal dude you so that was a movie quote uh time on the johnny salami podcast i hope everyone enjoyed that that's wild that you just remembered all that you know that like the back of your head yeah dude i'm pretty good with movie quotes um song lyrics movie quotes especially i think i'm kind of upset dude that you don't watch any lifetime movies man i can tell You never even attempted it.

The tenor in your voice, I can tell, really, you're crestfallen. Yeah, my bad, dude. I had some boys I lived with in college, and they would always call me gay for watching Lifetime movies and shit. And I was like, dude, I'm going to buy a movie. We're going to watch it. If you guys don't cry, you guys can fucking jerk me off, whatever. And I bought The Fault in Our Stars from CVS, dude. Brought it over.

Halfway through the movie, my buddy just goes, dude, just turn it off. He couldn't handle it. It's a tough one, dude. I'm pretty sure he'd cry. I bet I would. I totally agree.

But that's why I also don't like horror movies and stuff. You think that's why you get so much pussy? Because I don't like those movies? Yeah, because they're so far from reality. Yeah, that might be part of it. You know what I mean? Where I just don't think there's any... There's no recollection.

There's no actual scenarios where a girl comes home because of a death in the family yeah and i'm still there just working at the mulch factory and i'm like whoa jess adams damn how long has it been and she goes oh it's been a while how's that fancy uh networking job you have up in the big city what are you just like oh it's fine what are you doing i'm like i'm eating mulch yeah because i'm still throwing like hail marys and like a dollar tree parking lot dude do you have to just thinking about all the girls that you know fuck me over dude they always do every hail mary dude i'm just thinking about letting go. You know what I mean? Taking that gun out of the ankle holster?

Yeah. Going back into the Dollar Tree? You ever toss the skin around? The pig skin? Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, you thought I meant like jerking off? No, I was just waiting for anything. I was waiting for any sort of explanation, honestly.

I would hope you just the skin and then I was hoping maybe if you were about to say like an animal I'd be like alright dude come on now the ankle monitor makes more sense I meant the pig skin dude when I was teaching one of my co-teachers was this

Indian dude named Rishi Ramnath shout out to Rishi Ramnath I hope you're listening shout out Rishi yeah he's Bronx native Tr to Rishi Ramnath. I hope you're listening. Shout out, Rishi. Yeah, he's Bronx native. Trinidad to the bone. Trini to the bone. He's still going at it?

He's still getting after it, dude. Wow. He's teaching. 23 years, bro. You ever follow up with him? Yeah, he texted me recently, and he goes, hey, I'm in your hometown. He has a goal to see all 50 states.

Wow. And he's hitting Maine. That's the last one. That's going to be tough for him. I know, but he's getting after it this this that's the last one that's gonna be tough for him i know but he's getting after it yeah he was in denver with me and uh we'd always be in the teacher's lounge and he would go dude me and you we gotta toss the football around this guy's like 45 i'm like i'm like yeah we could just get a couple beers and hang out he goes nah let's toss the football around yeah he always be like me and you let's toss the football around. He'd always be like, me and you. Let's toss the football around. And I'd just go, nah, I don't.

Like, we're friends, man. We don't have to go to a park and, like, throw a football. And he goes, all right, we'll go to the bar. I'll bring the football. If we want to throw it around, we can throw it around. I'm like, hey, man. I'm like, straight up, not your son. Oh, man.

You let him hang? Yeah, dude, yeah dude we hung no we hung out did he bring the football though yeah i was like no i'm not bringing the football i'm not i can't even imagine what he was going through well i'm in a parking lot in denver i'm like dude i'm not going outside with you throwing the football that guy sounds like the man he was the man yeah he showed me all of his like old rap videos when he was because he's from the bronx so he was like i was he used to spit dude he spit absolute rhymes really liberal use of the n-word for real fuck yeah dude he's he's he's passed he's certified yeah certified og good guy man i would i would have tossed uh even when i was on the road the other the other week i was about to hit up Colm. He would have never in a million years tossed a football, but... I don't think he knows how.

Yeah. I had it in the car, though. I was about to be like, dude, you trying to throw some fucking Hail Marys, dude? We were in fucking Long Island, dude. Jeez. Yeah. That would have been sick, though. Yeah, it feels like...

Yeah, you don't really seem like a guy who's on the road and goes, let's check out the public library. Yeah, or like pussy. Or just anything. I'm just trying to hang, you know? Yeah, and you're like, actually, I just downloaded this ASMR video from YouTube. I'm going to sit in the hotel bathroom and just watch this. Yeah, I mean, that would be sick for sure.

I'm starting an ASMR grill podcast. Really? Dumb dead ass. ASMR is just when you like whisper, right? ASMR is usually just a lot of like sounds so people will they'll whisper they'll whisper like this and then go i'm gonna take a sip of my coffee is it just that or is there other sounds you can make well i'm just mostly doing a regular podcast like i'm just talking it's more of like a show, but then you're just going to constantly hear the sizzle of a grill in the background, which I think is very pleasurable to the male senses.

Are you the type of guy who's going to like, you're going to be like the chef? Before you answer that, yeah. You're the chef out there? Oh, no, I don't. I'm just fucking. I thought you were about to say you're the type of guy that loves to grill more than anything. I go, yeah. Well, yeah, that's what I mean.

Like you making shit for everybody, asking people what they want. All the time, dude. Really? That's my go-to. I put a grill. I bought a grill, like a mobile grill. Got it up to the roof with just one arm. Not supposed to be on the roof, by the way, in my apartment building.

It's not like a place where people congregate. I'm making it into so. So we got some folding chairs up there. And my roommate's come. I got a little 24-year-old roommate. He's got his girlfriend. And I'm like, Sunday, I go, what are you guys thinking? I'm going to Ralph's.

I'm going to do, I think, salmon burgers. All right, we're going to do salmon burgers, or we're just going to do sausages. I'm not going to be the guy in my podcast. There's enough podcasts of people going this is a panko crusted grilled filet sucking what who cares yeah i'm saying we're either doing we're gonna either do chicken or we're doing like fish it's just basic shit but i do ask i'm like what do you want on it all right i got tomatoes buffalo mozzarella like

are we we're doing maybe a little pesto chicken pesto sandwich yeah like it's gonna be good but this is also still meat this is like this is meat and potatoes with a little bit of gravy do you know what i'm saying that's the best way i can describe it yeah what if i was like uh if i came back for like fourths you're gonna fucking push me away you're gonna be like all right i got you dude i got you fuck yeah dude always that was me back in the day dude you go for fourths yeah dude people were going for like people would barely make it through their first it was fucking kobayashi back in the day it's johnny the vacuum yeah dude good a good dog and a burger dude i'm anti-dog yeah i couldn't i dude i'm not even kidding i i didn't eat hot dogs for almost 10 years. And now you're back in or you're out?

Well, no, when I was in high school, this kid, no joke, spread a rumor that I shoved a hot dog up my sister's vagina and ate it, dude. And we went to the same high school. So, yeah, man, that fucked me up, dude. Yeah, I got bullied for a while, man. So would you not eat the hot dog unless I shoved it up your sister's vagina? Yeah. Fuck you, dude. I know.

I'm sorry. That was me. That's fucked up, dude. No, that is fucked up. That fucked me up bad. Imagine not being able to eat a dog for like 10 years. Yeah, because you have that mental image. Yeah.

That's pretty disgusting. Yeah. Was you have that mental image. Yeah. That's pretty disgusting. Yeah, it was a good rumor. Was this a friend of yours? Yeah. He was on the football team, but... That's a good rumor, though, dude. That's like something that'll really... That's an A-plus rumor.

People are going to believe that, and it's going to fuck you up mentally, you know what I mean? Yeah. My friends spread a rumor at my high school that I was trying to like win a girl back at prom it was all boy catholic high school mind you yeah so people were just like i showed up at prom the girl from the different school was there and they just kept being like come on dude

go win her back and i'm like guys stop she broke up with me stop doing it's just talk about like mental i'm also like with another girl that i'm like there as friends with yeah and it's just i'm not gonna now i have to go and like straight up do hallmark movie bullshit are you uh are you like smashing like are you like because i feel i feel like it's a rhetorical question but are you like uh you went to into older women, or are you just crushing it? Are you crushing the game right now? The game's been kind to me. Yeah, be humble, dude.

The game's been kind. Stay humble, bro. I'm trying to stay humby. Yeah. I'm humby as hell. I mean, dude, I think when I first started getting on the road this year, it was, you know, you do whatever you want. You're,

you're like a, you know, any, I hate this question. It is a tough question. I can't even imagine like getting that much pussy and like trying to figure out how to answer. You know what I mean? Dude, why? getting that much pussy and trying to figure out how to answer. You know what I mean? Dude.

Why? It's embarrassing. This is prom all over again, man. Really? Do you think they're like, uh... Do you think they're watching at all times? Is that why it's weird? No, I don't care. But it's also annoying because last night I was in Stanford

and there were these two girls in the front row that were being obnoxious the whole time. And didn't like i'm not a guy that's gonna roast anybody yeah but i very kindly was like hey listen like you guys are very very like uh i can tell you're very excited both very pretty but if you don't stop talking i'm going to form tackle you from where i am right now and they go okay great and then like i had there had to be the big security guy to come over and be like stop talking like right in the front row so do you think they came uh for your comedy or just to like check you out that's the thing that i think really eats at me sometimes where i

just go do people just because then after the show they wait around and i'm like i'm giving out magnets or selling magnets and um they wait around i mean they're obviously like hammered so i'll give them like a handicap on that but the girl just will she just they just think they can like grab you like she just like grabs my head and just like i i bought these tickets two months ago because i want like we should hook up like blah blah it's like oh man and it's just like annoying because i go oh well you almost like derailed my entire show now you expect me to like i gave you 50 minutes like 55 minutes 58 minutes like of my time and now and i'm giving you more time now by talking to you afterwards so and now you're like oh yeah you should also fuck me yeah that's tough man it's just like because they gotta they gotta

respect the game right just i don't know just i mean the lack of uh self-awareness of people to go oh i i was rude but let me just kind of double up on that like to not realize like how rude you were and then also be like yeah we should fuck too i was like what are you doing and you still did it no i imagine i was like yeah duh of course uh yeah that is tough you're a little piece of pussy you don't want you don't want to be like a matt rife type dude we're like you know dude all i know is that all this shit just i mean when i first was like on the road like yeah you're just like yeah this is great but um no i don't do it anymore on the road it's like also in la i i took like a good two months off from dating anybody yeah just because

i didn't want to deal and uh also I had a girl making TikToks about me, which was not great. I was seeing this girl in LA and then she started making TikToks about me that were going super viral. And I was like, I can't be doing this. Yeah, my bad, dude. I was just wondering,

because you're the type of dude who I would go kind of like complete opposites. No, I don't think so. You know? I think we're from the same ilk. No, I mean're getting pussy and i'm like looking at you get pussy you know what i mean you can get pussy i mean i mean maybe if i was like gifted with something because like you have a problem where it's like girls are coming up to you after shows and asking you to fuck and girls are coming up to me after shows and asking me if I'm retarded.

That's cute, though. Here's the thing about you that I think you need to utilize and use for your own advantage. Give it to me, dude. Is that you're the strong and silent type, okay? Okay. If you come off as retarded, you need to play into that a little bit more and go, actually, there's another side of me.

Yeah. I'd love to show that to you in my hotel room. Oh, okay. to play into that a little bit more and go actually there's another side of me yeah i'd love to show that to you in my hotel room oh okay i think you need to kind of start playing into your strengths inside of instead of saying like oh i'm embarrassed about how they might perceive me because the element of surprise that's what's going to get you pussy. Fuck yeah, dude. So you want me to just, like, fucking pull my pants down? Just start throwing mashed potatoes everywhere? Lean it.

That's not what I'm saying. Don't lean it that hard. Because that's what I'm thinking right now. I text you afterwards. I'm like, dude, what the fuck, man? Colm's like, oh, that's why he brought the bowl. Yeah, dude, Colm literally went up on stage after me. Also, yeah, what did Colm say?

He called me autistic on stage, and it fucking crushed, dude. I don't think you're autistic, man. I think we're very similar. Yeah, me neither. Yeah, no, we definitely have both. We have a similar background, a similar upbringing. I feel like we're both for the boys, you know what I mean? We're for the lads.

Yeah. At the end of the day, dude, I'm serious. Your perception of yourself is what will stop you from getting pussy. Yeah. If you just walk in like, yeah, no, this is who I am. I'm the fucking, this is how I talk. This is what I do.

Yeah. And you know what? It's awesome. I'm the balls. Yeah. I'm good at comedy and I'm funny. It's like, that's,

that's, that's the battle. Like, and then women respond almost immediately more to confidence than anything else. Yeah. That's probably, that's probably what it is. It's confidence. If you just have a, that's probably what it is. It's confidence.

If you just have a, I mean, it doesn't have to be earned. You can just make it up. Sometimes I feel like, uh, there's like a higher power, dude.

That's kind of like, you know, I'm not giving you pussy right now because I think you need to focus on other things. And that's kind of funny to think that way. But that's how I'm thinking right now. That is a, that's mean, trust me, man, if you're that way. But that's how I'm thinking right now. That is, I mean, trust me, man. If you're a praying man, that's how you should look at it.

Yeah. All right. Thanks, dude. I'm serious, man. No, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, man. I was just wondering about the whole pussy thing. No, it's good. I guess I'll just go over the numbers.

Go over the stat sheet. Go over the stat sheet. Yeah. It was, I just had some bad experiences. Also, dude, on the road, you hook up with like one person and then they'll just message like then they feel like they have access to you and you yeah it's not their fault but then they just will text you and just go so what you're just not gonna talk to me anymore it's like hey you live in philadelphia i live in l.a i'm a traveling clown what did you what did you think this was gonna be it's true man what are you doing in like your

free time then like out in l.a like is it as bad as it is here like are there like a lot of like fucking barbie dolls and shit or like a lot of barbie dolls man yeah l.a is very strange um because it's kind of like the comedy scene in la too where sometimes you just there's levels of like hot in la where it's barbie doll like instagram model yet like those types of girls but then there's also like put a cigarette out in their tongue trad tattoo shorts big wallet chain, the hottest girl. You don't even know if that's a man or a woman. You don't really know.

Just kind of think Bushwick and you're like, yes, both are good. Like a Payless Shoes manager? Payless Shoes manager, yes. Damn, you sliding into those? We talking like full Bush? Talking full Bush. Armpit hair. That's fucking sick.

Yeah, exactly. High population of these? Talking full bush. Armpit hair. That's fucking sick. Yeah, exactly. High population of these? High population everywhere. There's a lot of like attractive people, but I'd say personality wise, you kind of, I feel like people in New York or just like on the Northeast, there's a lot more to talk about. Sometimes you like, you deal with people in an LA who are just like, oh my god, I saw the person from Grace Anatomy at the airport. And you're like, oh, what else is going on? They're like, that's it?

People just have nothing to talk about or they're just very conniving. You ever get nostalgic about living in Denver and stuff? No. Really? Denver is the connecting flight of life. Wow, dude. Every city has every, there's cities like Denver that are connecting flights in your life. So when you read like running the light, you weren't like a little bit emotional. I miss it. Like I miss my friends there and I miss Colorado. Like, but there's, I don't miss like living there. I think it was good to move because I just think Denver as a city is,

it's a lot like Raleigh or Austin where you don't really, I say connecting flight, right? It's a lot of people that are transient, they're transplants, right? Denver is where people go to like retire at like 23 pretty much they decide oh i'm gonna make skiing or snowboarding or like like sports my personality or something else yeah but i went to denver thinking all right this is a good place for me to just do comedy and not be encumbered by any of the outside noise from like my friends and family and i can just be insulated and doing what

i want to do and get better at this yeah so i can go on my own timetable pretty much whereas if you go right into new york or la you get very lonely very quickly i think because the hill seems so much higher to climb yeah and it feels like all the shit you have to eat in the beginning it is so much harder to take when you're seeing everybody else do so much better whereas in denver it felt like okay year and a half now i'm getting on paid shows and i'm on paid shows with guys like ben roy adam kate and holland these guys have like a television show, you know, like or Hollywood or Comedy Works paid regulars. And it feels like, oh, OK, this is I mean, I'm only like doing 10 minutes and they're headlining. But, oh, this is all right.

I'm I'm in the mix. Like your confidence can be boosted a little. Yeah, that's what I think Denver is for a lot of people. You can kind of go there and hone your own craft, learn your discipline without any like actual stakes, I would say. Or I wouldn't say high stakes. But if you stay there, you will end up running events at breweries when you're 45. Yeah, I know what you mean, dude. I think the positive thing, though, dude, is like, you know, like talking about comedy is kind of gay.

though dude is like uh you know like talking about comedy's kind of gay but like dude at the end of the day you know because like no one really wants to talk about like um i mean like networking stuff like that but i think it's cool like at the end of the day man you'll meet someone you'll be like wow this dude's just like a human being yeah they're all human beings yeah which is like the coolest thing in la sometimes they're not yeah in la you meet them and you're like oh you're you're crazy yeah but have you ever met someone though like you know like some chicks will meet taylor swift and they're like fuck you know they're like holy shit yeah i felt that way about chet hanks really i met I met Chet Hanks. I was starstruck. Really?

Dude, I went up to him and I go, hey, man, is it a white boy summer? And he goes, yeah. Can you take a picture of me and my boys? I go, yeah, no problem. I was so stoked. But what does he do besides the Jamaican shit? I think he's a rapper, actor. I mean, what doesn't he do is the real question.

That's a good point. He's got all five tools. Yeah. Rapping, acting doesn't he do is the real question. That's a good point. He's got all five tools. Yeah. Rapping. Acting. Tom Hanks' son. Getting pussy. Cool tattoos. Dressing like a black guy. Yep. Those are the five

tools. Those are the five pillars? The five pillars. Yeah. I mean, he was so cool, dude. Yeah. You hang out with him at all? No, I saw him at a party, and I was like, i was extremely there were a couple like porn stars there too and like other pretty famous people i just immediately i it's the first time in la i think the only time i've really been starstruck yeah i saw the man who created a movement yeah from his loins birthed a white boy.

That's wild, man. What is a dude? I got followed by a porn star recently, man. Selena Benz. Nice. How about you? How about you, man? Who you following, dude?

A couple, couple. You know what, man? Couple bangers. Couple bangers. Trying to get out of the porn game. Yeah. Trying to just stay away from it. It's bad news.

That's what they all say man. Well everybody I've tried to get out ever since I've been hearing more and more about like my friends will just go yeah I watch trans porn

I'm like that's I think where I divulge. Like they're actively enjoying it? Yeah. Tranny porn and I'm just going I don't know about that.

And I don't want to yuck hey and i don't want to yuck any hey listen i don't want to yuck anybody's yum yeah but i think you got to kind of take a look in the mirror and go what is uh what is tranny porn looking like you take a look didn't take a look don't want to know come on dude you didn't even take a peek can't even take a peek yeah me neither i don't know you're like i'm'm gonna watch it later but like this is the first time i'm hearing about this this is on like when i was in listen i was also in austin texas when i heard about this oh man so of course i think those people are maybe they're just messing with me maybe they're just working on their kill tony type one minute but yeah you think they're different out there in austin yeah i think i

think most of the men and white men in austin have just their brain is fried really thinking about whether or not red band will like them or not yeah do you imagine that just waiting all week to do one minute and then you have to get up there and like how do i configure the word retard into a way that's unique and different to me you're not a big uh kill tony fan not really did you have a bad experience or no i just don't really care for it yeah i just i love the i do love the idea of shitting on people doing an open mic i do think that is can be constructive and fun for the audience but i think the idea of making it uh one minute is um it's tough yeah it's just kind of counterproductive because then you're just

not really allowing anyone to get any momentum sort of and then you're you're just kind of you're creating a place where shock comedy rules and i think you're like edgelord stuff edgelord shit yeah and i just i'm just sick of i'm sick of the word i'm gonna be real where we've used the word gay too much. As much as I know, it is fun to say. I feel like now it used to be a nice cherry on top

of the joke sundae. Just throw that in there. That's a nice little treat for being good. Now it's pretty much all 13 flavors. People are throwing out this is gay, that's gay, this is gay. Yeah, it's not as special anymore. It's not as special.

Yeah, gay and retarded now are just taking the game over. That's what I'm saying. I don't like it. What happened to nuance? What happened to saying, no, I'm making a good point, and I'm also still a retard. You know what I mean? Yeah, you really have to, like, yeah, the come up is like,

it's got to make a comeback, you know what i mean yeah you really have to like yeah the come up is like uh it's gotta it's gotta make a comeback you know you really not they need to like slowly bring it into the equation because then we're just gonna people are gonna start saying the f word again and i mean again were people ever really saying it though that's the thing yeah i think farts man are kind of like underlooked bro like i'm still ripping fart jokes and no one else is really doing them. So I'm kind of like happy where I'm at. And that's why I like you. You're a trailblazer.

People are always like, dude, enough of the fart jokes. So I add more everyone. What are their names? Dude, I got a list in my room. I got a list in my room. It's right next to a loaded gun. Some lipstick, dude. What's that movie with Adam Sandler?

Fucking, uh. Mr. Deeds? Yeah. Big Daddy? some lipstick dude what's that movie with adam sandler fucking uh mr deeds yeah big daddy you know what dude you think about like the sprouse twins from zach and cody sprouse twins you know zach sweet life zach and cody oh yeah that's that's their names yeah you know i feel like one of the guys is still like an actor and i would be pissed if um my brother like my twin brother was still acting and i couldn't get work and i was like bro you're not gonna let me like work in with you like we used to you're not gonna let me switch places yeah that would be fucked that would kind of be fucked you probably feel like a little bit of like pain like telepathically bro i knew these twins growing up and uh we would like hang out after school you know like toss a

football and shit hanging out yeah of course fucking one of the twins got like punched in the face and like uh he was like crying and stuff and the other twin could like feel his pain whoa it was fucking wild dude yeah there's some sort of like telepathic shit I don't know about. They might have just been gay. But it was wild, man. I felt like I was watching Nat Geo. Because you see one of them crying because they got punched in the face, and the other one's crying because they can feel their brother's pain.

And you're narrating it. Imagine doing that and you're not twins. It'd be crazy, dude. That's your move with the ladies. Just like find a dude who's in pain. find a dude who's in pain you just go i feel for him yeah get like fake tears and shit yeah you go what do you mean you're like it means i have empathy caroline go like to one of those trampoline parks there's always pussy there dude some dude just like tore his acl i'm like, dude, I feel you, brother. I'll mend you back to health. Hold on one second.

We're getting an ice pack. Jesus heals. Look into my eyes. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if I were Cole Sprouse, or wherever the Sprouse is working, I would use my telepathic powers to make him fuck up his lines

and then just hang out on set. And go, I can do it. Yeah. I can. You think you could fuck around with improv improv or acting at all yeah dude i've tried i was on a um the show called blackish wow what a name yeah i was really worried what they were gonna have me doing is it a porno no it's not a porno it's it's very it's not i yeah but uh i just get all I get like all these like auditions for parts that are like frat bro

finance bro like anything with the word bro in it I've probably auditioned Tim Allen's son for real? yeah and what I got a callback for that fuck man Tim Allen was making he's making another classic

Tim Allen joint where it's just him as an old man being like, God damn, everyone's queer now. I think I saw the commercial for that. Yeah, it was Shifting Gears or something. Yeah, I mean he's probably going to crush it, honestly. Yeah, yeah, he kills it. I just really wanted to get this show so I could like make

Tim Allen do videos for me and be like, hey, call my buddy BMO a pervert. Like cameos and shit? Yeah, just do my own cameos. And he's like, hey, call my buddy BMO a pervert. Like cameos and shit? Yeah, just do my own cameos. And he's like, get out of my dressing room. I'm like, I'm your son. Dude, have you met any actors in L.A. that are like...

Chad Hanks. Well, no, I just mean like, you know, like everyone's kind of like shit on Hollywood now, dude. Like, have you seen any of that where it's like, holy shit, these people are fucking crazy? Like actors? have you seen any of that where it's like holy shit these people are fucking crazy like actors yeah because everyone's talking about like how like uh crazy la is in terms of like hollywood and stuff and like actors are just like wild like have you ever i've met a lot of met a lot of young hollywood one time dude i did this show this guy set me up and he's he like it's cool. I was like, dude, we're going to do SNL, but in LA,

we're going to call it late night LA. Okay. And I go, all right, interesting. And he called me and he goes, and I'm like, all right,

how much does it pay? And he goes, yeah, dude, it's just more about like exposure. I'm going to have like agents, blah, managers there.

And I'm like, okay, like not really relevant to me, but whatever. And he goes, and I'm like, where is it? And me but whatever and he goes and i'm like where is it and he goes we're doing it at this nightclub i go great a nightclub so at this point i'm like oh this will just be interesting i like i have my roommates come just like watch this and you know you know lily michelle uh no uh this other comic i was like you should do the show with me like it'll be hilarious it's a nightclub.

He put couches everywhere. It's all of young Hollywood. So there's a subsect where there's, I think, all the megastars. I don't really interact with actual celebrities. I know comedians who are actors, and they're pretty cool. They're regular, normal people. But then there's a subsect of like young hollywood people that are you're like are you 18 what's happening what's going on like why do you look like if a disney channel star like huffed paint what's happening yeah all those people were there

and like we they're like all right guys before we get the comedy going we're gonna have a couple uh a couple musical acts get ready for trace and jason or just like three dudes that just like you know the long hair and they just went my mama don't like you she likes everyone holy shit just three like three dudes back to back doing like bieber covers yeah and then i look up who these guys are and i'm just like oh they have Holy shit. Just three dudes back to back doing Bieber covers. Yeah. And then I look up who these guys are and I'm just like, oh, they have 500 million followers. Yeah.

It's insane. These are the TikTok stars of tomorrow. And then I get up there and nobody's paying attention to me. Everyone just starts immediately talking. Nobody gives a fuck. And I go, what? I just start screaming like irish fight songs yeah because my my roommates there i'm like they're in the back just going and there's no way never dude no way never no more like just nobody's paying attention it was like the most

insane hell i was just laughing the whole time yeah we you have these gigs where sometimes you just it's so bad it's funny yeah and you want other people to watch and just go watch how insane this is yeah that's crazy man so they were like i would i would much rather bomb at a show that is like hysterically bad than go to a show that's pretty well put together and like do mid that's true yeah that's crazy man so these were like kids who like you see on like the fucking they have like millions of millions of followers tiktok instagram they're quote-unquote singers songwriters yeah so what that means pretty much is that they have parents who are all producers or executives. Yeah. And they've grown up. They're Hollywood kids.

So that's what I've like, that's young Hollywood. That was pretty weird. Yeah. That was pretty interesting to me. Yeah, I wonder how their minds are like shaping. Probably bad. I want to see like them when they're older and they got to go buy some fucking mulch. From the mulch guy?

Yeah. Jessica, you haven't been around in a while. See you on TikTok. I'm back at the mulch factory. A couple DUIs, but the mulch always takes me back. Sometimes I like to cover myself in it and pretend that I'm a tree because I'm going to grow. She's going to grow, dude.

Hopefully far enough to get out of this place. Yeah. But anyway, so you need to be popping that pussy. It just turns in like wicked vulgar. Have you ever seen like a fucking, not like a Barbie doll, but like a fucking, like a Hollywood star do like a basic human task before? Because it's got to be wild. I saw don't know i saw bill hater just like putting his name down in a sushi place yeah i mean that's that's bill hater though dude okay that's a pretty big hollywood star yeah but i'm like a barbie doll yeah yeah i don't really

they don't interact with the with the plebs but that would be wild though if you saw like britney spears weed whacking or something. I think that's in her conservatorship. Yeah. Can't do that. Can't be around any knives, any sharp objects. Yeah, that's true. They tell her to stay away from that shit.

I'm kind of, yeah. Get away from that. Ever since the haircut, dude. Britney, you're locked out of the garage. Yeah, that's got to be tough, dude. I feel bad for Britney Spears. That's a really tragic story. Because then you get out of the conservatorship.

I feel like a lot of people have second lives sometimes with their music. Before R. Kelly got R. Kelly'd, he was still pretty popular at most parties. I don't really hear people putting on a a britney spears when they're like throwing on throwbacks a lot you know what i mean yeah it's gotta be tough man i don't know if she's really even like making money anymore she doesn't have any new songs well even now like all my all my bangers dude i can't listen to him because they're like the shit that's going on like meek mills gay dude i fucking listen to him all the time i mean i'm still listening to him like even if he is gay i don't know the whole backstory to what's going on. You can't listen to him because he's gay? Well,

I heard he's gay. I didn't, like, look into it, though, because I was scared. I used to grind like these so I could suck my Ds. Like, dude, if I can't do calf raises to that, I might as well be. I'm as good as dead. It's good stuff. Dude, are you worried right now? All the high school kids are back in the gym for the summer. I mean, I don't think there's any high school kids around here. Really? This looks like a neighborhood. This looks like a... I mean, there's got to be some, statistically.

I'm going to be honest with you, man. I'm not being, you know... I'm not trying to be rude, dude. Yeah, be real with me. Can you be real with me? I don't think many kids around here are going to school. Because I drive by the park every day.'m looking to play with bub yeah it's summertime there's always fucking kids out there that's true yeah well no just summer it's like

the end of june well even last month dude you know because they get out like june something when do they get out used to be a teacher right dude yeah yeah well yeah we get out like june something when do they get out used to be a teacher right dude yeah yeah well yeah we get out like june 1 yeah even like the last even in april dude i'd be driving by and see kids out there i'm like you guys should be in fucking school you know was it a playground to attach to a school by any chance it was like a playground and then you had like a school I don't know. No, no school. Just a playground, dude. This is already... Come on. There's like playgrounds, dude. And then there's like...

I don't know what they're called. They might be like racquetball courts or something. They got a wall and shit. Wall ball, yeah. Yeah. They got the wall ball shit. And then they'll have like an open area with like basketball hoops and stuff. Okay.

But I don't know. I'm in my gym man and i feel like i'm gonna get injured i'm gonna get some injuries because i just want to impress these kids yeah you got to show out i mean they're like hey can we work in i'm like yeah i got a hundred more reps left pal yeah they're wearing like they're wearing like their fucking jv uh jersey they're really scary honestly because they'll just there will be six of them crowded around one machine yeah and then by the sixth kid he's just like oh i'm gonna do something funny and he starts going yeah and you're like that kid's and i mean once i hear that i like

stop my bench and i go all right they're gonna try and t-bag me while i'm down here i need to stay alert i'm just you wouldn't you wouldn honored, though? I feel like if a high school kid teabagged me, I'd be like, dude, you're going down on the history books. Oh, dude, that's how you catch a charge. Dude, you wouldn't be mad? You get teabagged by a high schooler and you like dap them up like, that's what's up. That's what's up, man. I'm like, dude, can I hang out with you? Yeah. I'm like, dude, can I hang out with you guys yeah hey can i work in you see him in the parking lot afterwards yeah you guys doing

any other cool stuff later i can buy everybody booze i'm in my i'm in my oh four oh four honda accord yeah i don't know sir you were You were working out pretty hard. You're pretty sweaty. I'll shower at your place. Yeah. I don't know, man. What would you do, dude, if a high school kid teabag you?

Start throwing haymakers? I'd probably choke him out. Really? Yeah. You'd choke, you wouldn't start throwing haymakers? No.

I think, I think a hand on the throat. Or I think you could just titty twister. Which, again, catch catch a charge that's crazy dude you're just going right into ground control tell them to get your back or dude i think it would be great as a noogie i think a noogie you could get away with um you'd be like oh yeah funny

funny grab and just yeah and then wait till they say uncle well i know what we've been saying like gay too much dude but if you pull your pants down, just hop on their back. Yeah, you already won. If you can get a dude's back, you already won. You're right. I don't really know if you're right, but I'm fine to agree with you. My bad, dude. No, no, you're cool.

You're chilling. Yeah. I worry about those kids. Dude, you know, they also do. They do the punching bag. I don't really know why most... The machine or, like, the heavy bag? The heavy bag.

I hate punching bags in gyms, dude. Are you, like, you hate fucking gym bros? Kind of? No, I get... Gym bros serve a purpose. I really think that. They... Because those are the only dudes that are really sending me messages.

That's good. Yeah. I mean, dude, they... I'm pro-gym bro. Yeah. I think I'm anti-gym bro filming himself. That kind of peeves me. But I am pro-gym bro because i just think they serve a unique purpose

of like you don't think you're doing an exercise right you just kind of like watch that guy and you're like well he's jacked so i'll just do how he's doing it yeah i mean it's just cool to see like closeted homosexuals in public it's good you didn't use the word gay there you can see you really keep yeah holding yourself fast. Creative tongues, dude. Creative tongues! Ah, yes. The dialect leaves my tongue into a microphone. Yeah, dude.

I'm a fucking intellect. I can tell. Yeah, no. What about... Okay. So, dudes, that's a no-go is dudes filming themselves. What about chicks filming themselves? Yeah, no, I'm anti-filming.

Yeah. I think it's just very rude because you're just taking up more space in an already crowded, probably crowded gym. Yeah. I just hate heavy bags. uh i just i hate heavy bags i anytime i see someone hitting a heavy bag in a gym that isn't a boxing gym i just assume you're training to assault somebody yeah because it's never like a normal looking person either it's just some dude in a black tank top just like no gloves just going yeah it's always bad form it's always bad form and i go what are you doing here yeah i don't

even know that much even someone who doesn't know that much of a boxing like myself you see that and you go that guy's fucking retarded dude you know i mean like that guy that guy has problems that guy's a ged and he works at a fucking sunoco gd is yeah generous bless up dude bless up bless up yeah i hate that too i i feel like they're trying to intimidate everyone around them and i don't like that type of behavior well i mean i i've tried hitting the heavy bag once and then i just could feel everybody's eyes on me almost simultaneously going what is this psycho doing yeah because it's like dude if you hit the heavy bag you better be good yeah also you're just not in a boxing gym yeah why don't you just work out what are you gonna like clearly by your shorts you work at fedex so why don't you like when are you gonna need to know

yeah and then like the funniest is when they they punch and then they do a kick i'm like yeah what's that for yeah you can't be kicking out there dude you can't be kicking man we i used to go to a gym dude they had a heavy bag and it was in the middle of all the machines so these dudes would just be throwing straight up heaters at the heavy bag and it would just swing around and like hit people and they just didn't give a fuck that's so rude yeah well it's also the gym it's like why are you putting a heavy bag between like a cable machine why do you have why even have a heavy bag at all yeah that's just this is all just one big liability yeah yeah and i mean dude those dudes are like you know they're throwing combinations and they think some chick's

gonna start like finger banging herself you know and they probably do have you approached a girl at the gym before yeah i'm like yo you want to see me throw some fucking combinations hey can you film me dude you know can you film me throw these combinations you know what's even gayer dude is dudes who shadow box in the gym like on the treadmill it's like dude what are you doing why would you do i saw a woman do that i'm not gonna lie dude i thought she was pretty hot and then i saw her outside of her apartment complex smoking cigs and then i was like dude this chick just became even hotter like i said training yep to fight away from domestic violence she's training to fight at a fucking 7-eleven he's just

like i mean that's why you also have to run you have to throw a couple punches and be like grab the kid get out of the apartment she was she had the fucking treadmill on like a 15 incline throwing straight up like fucking right hooks i thought she was gonna light up a cigarette too it's american ninja warrior queen dude i would have been hard as a rock that would have been hard as a rock yeah but i hate dudes who will like they'll stand in front of the mirror and just shadow box their imaginary friend it's like dude get the fuck out get out of here yeah that's why i do like gym bros to a certain degree but you just you just have to as a gym bro stay in your lane i really will say no homo dude i like the gym bros who are humble humble gym bro they got a

good pump cover dude when they take it off they're not showing off they know they're jacked but they're kind of like you know they're waiting for that girl to like approach them. And she never approached that. She's always going to approach the dude who's shadowboxing. Yeah. But then he goes home and he gets upset. Let me ask you this. Do you think how you look like body wise is a direct correlation to getting pussy?

100% yeah. Nah, dude. Around here, yeah. I'm dealing with this myself. Okay. Okay. where i feel like i have like big body dysmorphia issues what is that again what is that it's where you just you you look at your body and you are never satisfied yeah with how it looks and you always feel like oh like i people won't like me because of the way it looks it's just women don't really give

a fuck as long as you're not like obese. I don't think, but you just have to get to a place where your dick looks pretty good in comparison to the rest of your body. Yeah. I think honestly, whatever I'm doing, if you do the opposite of that, you will get pussy dude. And I'm not even saying that as a joke. I know. You know what I mean? I can tell by the way you're looking into my eyes. Cause like, dude, I'm here for you, man. I want you to get so much pussy yeah i work out every day you should but i mean it's good for your mental health yeah but i'm saying caring about you know specific like contours of your chest and arms is just it's a losing game that i'm also

i also like deal with it where i look at and I go oh like I why am I not looking like this anymore it's just I don't know you're 27 28 yeah I'm 26 like dude we're we're gonna be we're gonna look like this maybe a little bit better maybe a little bit worse for the rest of our lives yeah we're past our prime we're past our prime like we're at the age dude we're like we're gonna we're gonna fart and not know what's coming out it's all loose like dude every time i fart now i'm like listen whatever happens happens it's almost like it's almost like putting on the tap water where it's like yeah and like dude i mean i remember back in, dude, just ripping heaters and knowing exactly what it's going to be like. Now I'm like, okay, anything could happen, dude. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Scary. You have to look at your body like that. You have to say anything can happen. As long as I'm working out and I'm being honest to myself, I can be nice to myself and say, Hey, maybe I don't look like I want to, but that's good enough. Yeah. I think there's a confidence that you get once you reach our age too. Cause I'm like, dude, I look like if I take my shirt off, dude, I look like a fucking retired gym teacher. Nah, I bet you look great. I'm fine with that, dude. Yeah. You look probably fucking hacked up. No. Bull strength. No, dude. I look like a fucking super cuts manager and i'm fine with that dude like i really am but i mean yeah i think when you get older you just get that confidence especially taking shits like when i take shits now dude i'm fucking blacking out this is a wonderful transition yeah my bad dude no no keep going i'm just saying dude like when i used to

take shits if i was next to another dude i would wait for him to leave the bathroom. Would you really? Yeah. Yeah, we just got, dude, all of this goes back to, like, you need to have more confidence in yourself because you're funny. You're a handsome guy. You're fucking yoked. Why are we not, like, you should be coming into, maybe it is. Yeah, that's fine. I don't know. That's fine, man.

Hey, why don't you stop using that word? Yeah. Okay? My bad, dude. No, you're right. This is my podcast now. Yeah, that's fine. I don't know. That's fine, man. Hey, why don't you stop using that word? Yeah. Okay? My bad, dude. No, you're right. This is my podcast now. Yeah. Dude, you can't be thinking about the guy next to you.

You have to establish yourself. This is years ago. This is a young Johnny. As a young boy. Now it's... Oh, now, dude, I'm letting him know what's about to happen. You know what I mean? I'm giving a knock.

A knock and a... Be careful. I'm literally blacking out's about to happen. You know what I mean? I'm giving a knock. A knock and a careful. I'm literally blacking out when I shit now, dude. Dude, I'm literally traveling into different dimensions, dude. I'm going to Narnia and back, bro. I'm going to Narnia, meeting Mr. Tumnus, and then coming back. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Yeah, dude.

I'm just putting up a thumb and seeing where I go. It's like the fucking Polar Express is tom hanks tickets nah dude it's chet but yeah dude there you feel that though you feel that confidence you have to yeah a lot of comedy in what we do you have to yeah i think if you lack it not even like coming down to you you talked a lot about like just getting chicks like just our job in general if you don't care and you believe in yourself yeah that is truly like 60 of the battle 100 the other 30 is showing up and then the other 10% is like talent and work ethic. Yeah. That feeling, dude,

when you just come out, not out of the closet, just like you come out of your shell, dude. Thank you for clarifying. And you just go, dude, this is who I am. Like, lick on my fucking sack crack. That is such a good feeling, man. It is. It's almost better than sex, honestly, dude. Yeah. Dude, you know what feels really

good? What? Telling the girl after the show, I'm all set. I got some buffalo wings from the club. I'm going to go eat those in bed. Yeah. What else are you going to do? That's about it, dude. No TV or anything?

No, I mean TV. I'm going to watch a rerun of The Office on Comedy Central. I was going to say, dude. I'm going to go, damn, Michael Scott, you're crazy. Yeah. If you were eating him in the dark, that'd be fucking sick. I'm eating him in the dark. Wings in the dark, dude.

I'm eating him in the dark. Just fall asleep like that. Dude, one time I was taking a piss and the lights went out. They were like motion sensor lights. Dude, so I'm just pissing, dude, and this guy walks in. And the light goes on. And he just goes, oh, you just piss'm just pissing dude this guy walks in and he like the light goes on and he just goes oh you just piss in the dark dude i had no idea how to respond pulled my pants all the way down dude and i said why don't you take a look but i'm gonna be honest

it was kind of nice pissing in the i mean shitting in the dark's a little scary but they should do that you know they have the sensory deprivation chambers have you been in one of those no but i mean imagine if just you there's got to be people shit shitting in those just oh yeah like i don't have any feeling how do i know yeah because they just let it all out they let it all out my buddies went in there stoned he said it was wild i couldn't even imagine yeah there's certain stuff where i just don't want to know like people are like you know ayahuasca well you do edibles at all i hate weed man but i love mushrooms okay i think like i think weed sucks you used to do it well in denver yeah man it gave me like panic attacks i'm like this is stupid i also just can't stand how people you'll be in traffic and just see someone hit a

vape like a rip a dab pen and you go what are you doing yeah like you're driving like that's the shit that you don't realize like how many people are just high all the time and it's always it's usually mostly the people that are like just not give it like not all the way there and really making your life a little bit more inconvenient can i be honest honest with you, dude? I've talked to so many people here, like from here. And I found out after the fact, like after our conversation, that they were just like violently high. So the whole time I was like, dude, I'm crushing it. Like this person's crying, laughing, like we're hitting it off. And then I find out afterwards, they were fucking high as a fucking kite. Yeah. It makes you feel bad, doesn't it? Dude,

it's the worst feeling. It sucks. Dude, it's the worst feeling it sucks dude it's the worst feeling ever you know yeah it's not good because oh you didn't want to give me a hundred percent here yeah like you can just be organic for this fucking hour-long conversation oh yeah you couldn't like hang out with me and be yourself yeah but do that i mean i'm not trying to be a dick man but that happens all the time around here like you never know what someone's on. Someone could be on fucking Adderall and, like, eight Budweiser's deep, and you're just like, this guy fucking rocks. You know what I mean? Wow, this guy crushed the entire can on his head.

But it's like, what is that person like when they're, you know, when they're not on that stuff? Guess we'll never know. Yeah, it's a sad life, man. Shout out to P. Diddy. Yeah, let's take a— We believe in you. We got some phone calls dude i almost forgot i'm gonna pee real quick all right dude hey what's up you are listening to 99 2.5

the bull i'm here with johnny salami that's some more eh and big al flynn yeah i hope i hope you can hear this but let me know if you can't dude all right oh what the fuck, man? Do you have people who just call your actual phone? No, it's like a fake Google number. Yeah, and they just leave a voicemail. Hell yeah. Okay.

Hey, Johnny. Long-time listener here. My sister just got engaged, and her fiancé has a tramp stamp of her full name and then their anniversary below her name. I'm the only one in my family who knows about it, and I was wondering what your thoughts were. Why do you know?

Love the pod. Keep up the great work. This dude might be gay. No, I think this guy just wanted to brag that he's like, I know all the secrets in this family. Wait, is he talking about the husband? He said the husband? I couldn't even tell. I think maybe his sister's getting married to another woman.

You know what? We're going to listen to this. Yeah, we might have to listen to it again. Dude, we got to take notes, man. We weren't listening. All right, all right, I got this. All right, ready? Hey, Johnny.

Long-time listener here. I got this. All right, ready? Hey, Johnny. Long time listener here. My sister just got engaged, and her fiance has a tramp stamp of her full name and then their anniversary below her name. I'm the only one in my family who knows about it, and I was wondering what your thoughts were.

Okay, my bad, dude. Dude, I honestly... Dude, that's my bad for us. Kind of assumed it was a man. Yeah. I thought he was saying he saw, like, the husband's. For a guy who says gay all the time, you're not very open to. No, I apologize for that, dude.

I thought he was saying, like, the husband showed him the tramp stamp. I was like, what type of family is this, dude? Yeah, I mean, I don't think it really matters at all. You got to understand, lesbians love getting crazy tattoos. Well, let's, dude, the big question here is how does he know? Yeah, exactly. Well, you know what I assume is that he said it's his sister. Yeah. Probably, like, two kid household, right?

Probably very close. Yeah. Probably, like, the only ones that like to get out. They party with each other, have a good close. Yeah. Probably like the only ones I like to get out. They party with each other. Have a good time. Yeah. And he's thinking to himself like, you know, hey, like, you know, my sister ain't doing the job.

You think he's going to get after that? No. No shot. This guy gets no pussy. That's our advice. That's our advice. Who cares? That's just us watching too much porn. Yeah, exactly. We're like, dude, she's like...

You're trying to now have a threesome with your sister. Yeah, she's doing laundry one day. You're like, that's all human. No, dude, it doesn't... Who cares? It's crazy how my mind just went there. Also, lesbians, they will connect to each other very quickly. That's a common theme in the community where it's,

they call it like two dates in a U-Haul usually for them. I've read that research paper. That's a research paper. I've been, you know, according to my charts. Yeah, we'll cite that too. Oxford Review. But yeah, they get very bonded very closely early on in most relationships so odds are you know this woman probably does truly like your sister if she's getting married but

similar to other situations you know those first six months dude you feel like you're on a fucking boat you know what i mean a boat yeah you're just on vacation on a boat yeah right on vacation you know i was actually thinking about stepbrothers. You want to do the next voicemail? Yeah. Okay, great. So that's our advice. Who cares?

Yeah. I wonder how she is, dude. Learn more about your sister's lesbian culture. I think that's my other advice. Also send a picture of your sister's fiance. And we'll be the judge. Yeah, dude, please do, man. Hey, John. What's female celebrity titties

would you rather suck the most out of all the female celebrities from all time? Let me know. That was a good fucking question, man. You want to go first? That was a good question good question man i'm trying to think bro the pause killed me uh that was a great question fuck man honestly dude i would say Angelina Jolie. Terrible choice. Dude, in her prime? God awful.

I'm going to go with... Who's the woman from White Lotus? Wow. Yeah, I don't... Steph Lo's mom? In her prime or in the White Lotus? Now. Right then and there?

I think she's got absolute honkers. Yeah, you think they're real, though? Yeah, I'd gawk those. You know, I take my answer back because it's too generic. Angelina Jolie's... It's bad. You clearly didn't think about it at all. I didn't think about it enough.

I want to suck on... What's that movie? She's Out of My League, the blonde chick. Whoa. Dude. Wow. Forgot her name. No, I mean, that's, the thing with a Jay Baruchel movie is that you're never going to know who the hell any of those people are in it.

Yeah, and she has a scene in a movie. She's with another man, like in a motel or something and you full tits dude you can see him yeah i've watched that i've watched that 500 times dude but all right yeah that movie's a banger i'm gonna go oh man it's killing me i don't really i don't remember this woman's name but the woman from white lotus and barbara bush all right next one good answer dude i think that's it man and Barbara Bush. All right. Next one. Good answer, dude. I think that's it, man. You ended on a banger.

Yeah. Yeah, we got to end on that, man. Oh, yeah. This is the best podcast ever. Yeah. No, thank you for coming, dude. Anytime. It was nice to meet you, man.

It's very nice to meet you as well. You're very funny. Oh, yeah. And you're very nice and congenial. And you're going to get a ton of pussy this year. Dude, I'm going to try.

This is the summer of you getting cheeks, brother. Thisami summer dude that's a sweaty salami summer but if i had to ask yeah you're gonna be fucking beating him away with a stick and then the people uh you give your instagram anything you got coming up yeah man um big al flynn on instagram i'm gonna be posting more stuff for this fall but i don't know when this is coming out. Probably Monday. Oh, Monday? Patreon users will get it tonight.

Oh, okay, great. So on Monday, June 27th, I'm going to be in Portland, Maine. If you want to come to that, $10 tickets at Empire Comedy Club. It's going to be sick. And then I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon in August, and Seattle in August as well. So come to those. comedy club it's gonna be sick and then i'm gonna be in portland oregon in august and uh seattle in august as well so come to those i'd love to see you there hell yeah thank you guys for listening uh please comment share whatever you can do to help this grow this is a great podcast and then

uh yeah the patreon you'll get this stop smoking weed. Yeah, that too. Yeah, that too. Yeah, Patreon. You'll get the episode right away. And then, yeah, I'll have this out Monday. But, all right. Thank you, guys. Bye.