The Johnny Salami Podcast - Alex Dragicevich

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

Alex Dragicevich by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Oh bro I'm hurting. That could have been bad, dude. Where are we going? We almost didn't start. Usually, man, I just make people feel really uncomfortable and then uh i just rip it man i just listen to my heart yeah you know i'm not uncomfortable though yeah you're a different breed though dude but i'm something wrong with you

i'm like we're tight now dude yeah well do you want to know do you want to know why i got i got to do i got to we are boys do you want to know why I got to do this pod today? A date canceled on me. Oh, you didn't even have a show. You had a date. No, I lied to you. So we're not even boys then? Well, I said I had spots, but I didn't want to say I had a date.

Damn, dude. Do you want to know what she said this morning? What'd she say? Tell me if she's lying. She said, Alex, exclamation point, I'm really not feeling well and going to stay home from work today. I don't think I can make it tonight. I'm sorry. Sad face.

Was looking forward to it. Yeah, she's lying for sure, dude. Right? Yeah. Probably. That sounds like a chick who does anal first, dude. Whoa. Why do you think that?

Well, she said your name with an exclamation. Anyone who uses exclamation marks a lot, dude, that means they to be well and that means they need a dick in their ass yeah okay just basic math man i alex one exclamation point one just one is that is that a lot to you i actually stopped texting a chick because she everything she said had an exclamation mark at the end yeah drove me fucking insane dude it's like what are you doing you know what i mean well what if she is excited she's not dude well you don't talk and exclamation there's nothing you've never really uh you've never really messed with your yeah i've tried i've tried a little bit really sometimes in my head i feel like have you ever sent like a hey exclamation

point text i don't know i don't think so no i don't think i don't see you as that well dude there's no one no one taught like if a girl talks like that like i don't want to be with her anyway you know what i mean i suppose some people would say it's normal. To be that happy all the time? And like anal that much? Yeah. No way. Around here though, dude, that's a norm, man. Okay, I got you. So you get that text from a girl that's excited to see you and you're going, actually, this is a little too much.

Yeah. Something gets me going when a girl just says hi. Because you got to work for it dude Yeah I don't know but the hi is interesting Cause sometimes you're like Yeah it's cute hi is cute What about three i's

Like the hi Oh that's completely different dude That's day and night What's the analysis there She took the extra effort to put the additional i Okay and what do you think that says about her Completely different, dude. Okay. That's day and night. What's the analysis there? She took the extra effort to put the additional eye. Okay. And what do you think that says about her?

She wants you to know that it's all right, like it's going to be okay. Telling you that. Okay, so three eyes is like someone you marry. One eye is just a cool chick. High exclamation point is enjoy his anal dude can you imagine and this happens to me like 90 of the time imagine saying hey what's up to a chick and she responds hi like dude that'll that pierces your heart man that goes right through your your tits you know what i mean um just a high after you say hey how are you and then they go hi that's she's basically telling me to fuck off i'll tell you what high is this is interesting

high when you're just kind of seeing someone for the initially hi that's kind of nice to see hi from a girlfriend is bad yeah when your girlfriend texts you and you've been let's say you're you've been exclusive six months plus whatever yeah if your girlfriend says hi you're cancel everything it's not it's over or something's you're you're in for it yeah girlfriend hi is like i mean i can't even it's i mean my it's bone chilling to think about yeah i mean i haven't been there uh in a while but i remember those those late nights dude just staying up thinking like what you did wrong right because then you go and you kind of know what you did wrong too but you have to like you know why she's saying hi

yeah fuck dude you know oh my god you had sex scary dude yeah i just did a thing with uh everything comedy yeah i saw that was really funny those are my boys dude they've always been really nice to me man and then uh they just they missed me like hey man this is a long shot but do you want to come do this dating show and i was like you know what i like you guys so i'll do it yeah dude so i'm like walking there, like took an hour train. And I was like, oh, this is like an actual, like I thought there was going to be an audience. Yeah. And I show up and there's three dudes there.

And then they're like, yeah, we're waiting on the fucking, the chick, you know, the bachelorette or whatever. I thought that was scripted for a second. The sketch? was scripted for a second the the the sketch the idea was but the the conversation was just like you know it was it was all improv what is conceptually the the shit what is that they just said what would be funny if this guy went on a date with this girl like what was the thing i think they just wanted to have us sit down with this chick and just improvise and then record it and then make something out of it. And, you know, I came like not prepared, but like, dude, man, I thought you were going to just end up with I came. It made me so sad, man, you know, because it really hit me hard, like how retarded I actually am, dude.

Like, dude, I got there and it was like a nice coffee shop and the owner was like there. Like she was, yeah, she was offering us free coffee and stuff. And I was like, oh, dude, this is the best, man. Like I love like small coffee shops and the owner was like there like she was yeah she was offering us free coffee and stuff and i was like oh dude this is the best man like i love like small coffee shops and stuff and then i was like all right you know like while we're waiting for this chick i'll just go in the back and like take a shit dude so i take like a massive shit in the back oh yeah and i open up the door to leave and the chick is waiting to use the bathroom. That was my first interaction with her, dude. Like, that was us meeting. How bad was the shit?

Oh, dude. It was a coffee shit, bro. But what did you have before? What do you think you had before? Probably, like, some chicken and rice, man. With, like, some shredded cheese on top. Okay. I was in there for a while, dude.

Shredded cheese. I was in there probably for, like, 20 minutes. Yeah. Oh, so it was, like, it was also, like, a little bit of a fight. It was a fighting poop for like 20 minutes. Yeah. Oh, so it was also like a little bit of a fight. It was a fighting poop. Oh, dude, it was one of those ones where you're like, I should go back out there, and you're just like, I can't. You know?

Team's calling for you, like, we need you back out on the court, and you're like, dude, I just can't, man. When a girl has to follow your shit in the bathroom, terrifying. Yeah, especially when we introduced ourselves as I opened the door. Dude. Do you wash your hands? I don't think so. Oh, man.

And she'll never know. Yeah, I hope she doesn't find out, man. Do you not wash your hands after pooping? I don't really wash my hands a lot, man, I'm going to be honest. I wash my hands a lot when I cook and stuff, but I feel like most guys, man, like every, I piss so much, dude. If I wash my hands, my hands would look like a fucking, I would look like some sort of sea creature, dude.

Yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't wash too often after I piss. But yeah, but the poop, man, sometimes you just, it's pretty close. Those poop particles are, you know, you're wiping your ass. Yeah, I mean. I think sometimes you think like you're not getting any poop on your hand, but it's around, like you're pretty close to the eye. Sometimes I just like knowing that i'm taking risks man i'm kind of like yo fuck it like fuck with me dude oh you know what i'm saying i don't i don't wash my hands fuck with me yeah like yo mother nature can fucking eat my dick dude i guess

i guess that would get like yeah there's some there's a contingent of guys that like want to be that would want to be tight with a guy like that dude i don't know why why would a woman want to be with a germaphobe you know what i mean for me those guys they're like oh take off your shoes like wash your hands yeah yeah you know what i mean i think i took my shoes off when i walked in here you did do those nice female i think that's i mean it's a nice place yeah i mean but dude if you know if i didn't take off my shoes would you care i mean honestly man i just got this carpet from home depot right so i'd be fucking pissed right dude i mean yeah you don't want me to it's all about buying things dude and then

when you don't take care of them and you have to get a new one you're like all right this time dude i'm gonna take it yeah yeah because i had a dude i had a sick rug before it looked like yeah it looked like a lion's asshole dude okay yeah that's kind of tight it was like a fur rug dude yeah and i just did not treat it with respect man and i had a i think i used a gift card on amazon but people were like complimenting the rug they were like dude where'd you get this oh wow like it was that nice it was like a big time yeah wow dude who complimented it just everyone everyone who laid eyes nice it was like a big time yeah wow dude who complimented it just everyone everyone who laid eyes on it just like a hundred percent compliment rate

dude but those late night home depot sessions man yeah oh man i kind of want to fuck this rug up just so i can go back you know what i mean because you're looking at all the shit that you you want to get just going to home depot late at night man okay it's a it's a vibe dude you ever been um i i don't really build stuff dude i don't really do stuff oh you don't even have to man you can buy like just necessities from there or just walk around man you know i wish that they uh i wish that they i wish home depot had like uh take one samples i wish they had foods like costco yeah but for home depot yeah that'd be sick dude dude. How much, I mean, that'd make Home Depot the best place ever. Wow, you should pitch that idea there.

You walk around with a little cheese on a stick. I mean, you could probably send a few emails, you know. Looking at a paint bucket, just, that'd be awesome. Yeah, especially if the food was, like, good, you know. Yeah, dude, that would be great. They don't even sell the food anywhere. They're just, like, a guy. They're just, like, where can I buy this? It's buy this it's like oh like probably three miles away yeah it's like there's

a there's a there's a costco like on the other side of town you're like oh why are you here it's like oh this guy emailed us thought it told me a good idea well it would be good for uh like the workforce too like dude if you need help on a project yeah you can just pull up to home depot like early in the morning and just just pick those guys up man do you think there are guys like are there guys like that up here in new york dude i'm not even i'm not even kidding that are chilling outside home depot like dude if you're here in new york city if you need help on a project like a home improvement project and you rent out a van you can there's dudes waiting in the morning in front of Home Depot whoa for like for work yeah uh what do you like discuss rates with them and shit I

think you just lower the window and scream something in Spanish dude yeah and then they hop in the back yeah yeah well I wonder what you could pay them in you know i mean just maybe just like american money it just wouldn't be as much as like uh i was thinking about yeah i was like i cook something up for these boys but oh you wouldn't even give them money you just give them like a pizza yeah do you have like dijorno like what are we uh no yeah dude that's uh i actually didn't know that i just can't be legal obviously oh absolutely not i, nothing's legal around here, dude. Yeah. I mean, but Home Depot's cool with it.

I think so, yeah. I think they know what's going on, but they're just kind of like, you know. That's their don't ask, don't tell. That's their like, that's just them, dude. That's just them. They're them. They're him. Damn.

Well, yeah, you got a good spot here, dude. This is cool. I'm surprised you, what does Alex do, man? Like when you're feeling down, like where do you go to like think and stuff? Where do I go to think? When I'm down, I go for walks. I go for walks and I listen to music and I try to think about, I try to like remind myself to like, like bullshit stuff. Like I try to like stay in the moment, you know, I try to be like, I try to remind myself

that nothing is like forever and the pain will pass. This will pass. Um, well, but can you give me an example of what I might be down for? And I can tell you how, how, how I handle it. That was kind of beautiful, man. Do you think about that on the spot or do you have that memorized? I get sad a lot. So this is what I do.

But yeah, give me an example. Give me something that happens to me. Okay. Well, let's just, you know, that girl this morning, when that happened, what are you doing? That didn't change the weather for me too much. That would have been a second date, so we already went out once. I was upset, but I just kind of went

about my day after that. That was not a huge loss. I would say that's a loss, but I don't think it's like it's not going to change the game for me. Let's say it's like Friday night. You're pre-gaming with the boys you're getting ready to go out definitely okay you guys are vibing you'll listen to some uh

mac to marco okay yeah and then uh a bunch of hot chicks run in with paintball guns and just start shooting up your apartment oh and then you're like what the and then they're like oh my bad like wrong apartment and then they leave and you never catch them, dude. Oh, my God. And even when we ask their names and stuff, we're like, who are you guys? Oh, they're dipping right away once they shot too early, dude. So we're covered in paintball paints. Whole apartment's fucked.

Is it my apartment? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. First thing I'm doing is like, I think, do you call 9-1-1? I think I'm going to, I think I'd probably call 9-1-1. It's a good first step, yeah.

I got a tattle on these whores. Yeah, you're like, hey, a bunch of sluts just shot up my apartment with paintballs. Yeah, yeah. They would not show up. I guess they're like, yeah. Yeah, I guess they're like yeah i guess they're like okay and they're like they're like do you know what they look like and i'm like oh they're like really hot sexy women that like shot up my yeah these like really hot chicks came up it's like did you why do you keep saying they're hot i'm like well that's just part of the that's just part of the description. You end up having phone sex with the operator?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I would probably, after that, you got to clean up, right? You got to clean up everything. You got to take a shower. And you probably have to drink a lot after that. So alcohol is like your way out? Well, I think in this, in this instance, I think this is a,

that would be a hilarious instance. You have to just kind of shower that one off, clean the apartment and just go, wow, those chicks were hot. I feel like you'd probably jerk off in the shower to the thought of it. I wish. Can you jerk off in the shower? If you give me like, if I watch like something motivational beforehand.

Oh. Like if I watch like Rocky or something. Yeah. If I'm feeling dangerous, dude, I'll stay in there for an hour until the job's done, dude. You can, if you have to jerk off, you can. Dude, if I jerk off in the shower, I'm going to be in there for like an hour. It takes so long, bro. Dude, when it finally comes out, man, I'm on my knees like crying.

Dude, like it's crazy. It's such an emotional roller coaster, man. Right. Because you get so close. Like three or four times. You think about giving up, dude. Because then it goes back down for a bit and you're like, you think that like he let you down, you know? You're like, why are you giving up on me?

You know? I'm not giving up on you. Dude. And then the comeback is, oh, my God. Because then you don't know why your dick has some more fight in them, but then you're like, wow. Even my arm. Dude, my arm is, like, literally convulsing, and I'm like, you're in pain. Like, you're just like, dude, you have to.ing and I'm like, yeah, you're in pain. Like you're just like,

dude, you have to, you can't not finish right now, you know? Right. But for some reason, man, those,

those sessions are like the best. Those are the best come shots. Cause you put so much work into it. Okay. It's almost like building a home, dude. You know what I mean? I can, I don't know why I can see you falling to your knees at 45 minutes and just like really, really struggling it out and like fighting it out.

Just crying. Yeah, just thinking about Rocky and just, yeah, I can see it. I can see it. To answer your question fully, if some shit happens, I actually, yeah, I got sad recently and didn't really drink. I think I've been meaning to talk to you about this, drinking in general. Why does everyone want to talk to me about drinking? Not drinking. I think your caffeine intake is wild.

Successive, yeah. Definitely. Yeah. intake is uh is wild success of it yeah definitely yeah uh you're drinking a venti coffee and it's 6 45 at night yeah can you explain because dude because when we went to that road gig you had like three or four red bulls like on the way there and And, and, and dude, and you were like, uh, taking, you took like a nap. Like we, we parked and you're like, I just need to rest my eyes for a little. And I was like, this kid just had three Red Bulls. Yeah. Sugar-free, which is great.

I commend you for that. Were they sugar-free, dude? Yes. Damn, I did the right thing then. You had three sugar-free Red Bulls and you're like, I'm just going to take a nap. And I'm like, how is he operating how is he asleep can you can you explain that relationship with caffeine a little bit more for me and your listeners i think we all want to know i mean i think about it a lot dude but i'm gonna be honest man like i don't have

like typical vices like yeah like alcohol or like weed or stuff. So like caffeine is like a huge vice of mine. Like where I'm just like, I like need it to keep going. You know what I mean? Like, you know, when something bad happens to you, like you have a tough, like most people will be like, Oh dude, it's Friday. Like I'm just going to go get blasted. Yeah. For me, I'm like, Oh dude, I'm going to go, I'm going to go get a fucking coffee, you know, like with an espresso shot. Yeah. And that's like that that just fucking riles you up that gets you going um no it just brings me to a normal level oh wow it's crazy man yeah that's that's a full-on addiction dude i'll take a nap after drinking a coffee like

this right just well because you're so do you do you know the do you know know what's happening? So what are your sleep cycles like? What's your sleep schedule like? I mean, dude, I sleep pretty well. Not really, but I have a depressing sleep cycle. So you know when you sleep too much and then you wake up and you're just like, oh, I'm more tired now. That's like depression. Yeah. So I have that type of sleep cycle.

Okay. Where I'm like, oh, like I'll just drink a coffee and then take like a, I'm a huge nap guy. Yeah. You know? So it's like different. It's like sporadic, dude. You know? Can you go to bed at midnight and wake up at eight?

Yeah, for sure. Usually I'm going to bed at like 11 and waking up at like six, dude. So you're on a pretty healthy cycle then i guess i do see things at night yeah that's it well yeah yeah you've uh yeah you see you see demons and you see these like aliens and i looked it up do you have night terrors i looked it it up and it's, uh, there's no, there's no cure for it. Right. Uh, I just looked up hallucinating in the middle of the night because. This, this actually happened.

Dude, I'll wake up in the middle of the night. Yeah. And I will see things in my room, like human beings. Humans. Like, for example, like the other night I woke up, right. Bob is sleeping next to me. I see a dude on my computer typing and I'm like oh I'm dead like this is it like I'm gonna die yeah and I was dude I'm fully awake and I'm like blinking

my eyes and it's not going away like I'm fully awake I'm fully conscious I'm like yeah fuck fuck fuck and yeah dude I just ended up looking up man like you can have hallucinations like do you think there's any part of you any way at all any way possible you're sleep deprived at all dude honestly all jokes aside it's 100 living here just living in astoria yeah well yeah and i can almost guarantee you if i went to a doctor he would be like describe like what you see on a day-to-day basis and i would explain to him and he'd be like oh do you think like maybe living in new york city has something to do with this oh it's new york yeah for sure yeah new york we see some fucked up shit dude we see some absolutely fucked up shit it's a it's a very it's not for the week dude yeah it's not for the weak, dude. Yeah. It's not for the weak.

I feel like, you know, I talk about it a lot. Yeah. But it's like, it's hard to put into words. You know what I mean? Your hallucinations? New York City. I talk about New York City a lot. Why don't you ever hallucinate about like a super hot girl?

That would be, because it's always, it's always like shadows. They're like figures. Okay. And I'm going to be honest, sometimes it's always, it's always like shadows. They're like figures. Okay. And I'm going to be on you. Sometimes it's like actually just something in my room. It's like a, like a, an air purifier. And I think it's like a, a dude with an ax. And you, but you, and you shake out of it after a while.

I shake out of it and it's still there, dude. I would have to get up, turn the lights on and yeah. So yeah, man. I mean, if I went to a a doctor they'd probably be like yeah man like something this is something deep inside of you dude you got some demons in you bro right right you know what about uh what about like a no no way therapy could help that though no no i don't think so i feel like if web md can't help then yeah you see i didn't know about the shadows dude i'm sorry no dude it's fine but it's like do you ever think about living like a normal life dude

like uh um like like getting like a proper like a like a good like nine to five job and i mean dude just think about it man like we oh like we live in the most mentally ill part of the united states yeah and we have the craziest jobs in the world sure we have to we have to make people laugh or else we're failures yes people are always commenting on our shit telling us as if they know us right most of it's negative you know we don't see much grass dude we don't you know we don't converse with people do you ever like want to just like pack up and move to like cincinnati is that what cincinnati offers they got they got some green they got some they got some land yeah good football team i think I would pack up and move.

And then, I mean, I think both of us, if we packed up and moved, we would be there for like two weeks. And then it would hit us that we just gave up on our dreams. That would hit us even harder. Yeah. Then you're really not sleeping. Then your sleep is terrible. And then what? We just work a nine to five and just realize this sucks just as much?

It all sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that. I think that's the thing that we, we forget about. It's a double edged sword,

dude. It's like, I know, dude, I wished I, I, I, one day I'll,

uh, I'll figure out how to, how to be a little bit happier. I don't know. I feel like this is like, but, but it's like exciting. You don't really realize how mentally ill it is.

Sometimes like you do a show, you're on the road, you're like, you're going to like, there's so much crazy shit going on. Everything's going so fast and there's so much energy and you're, but then you don't realize that like so many people think that your life is like, is stupid.

Yeah. You know, people think this is like doing, doing comedy in New York is like a pathetic pathetic but yeah that's i think that's the part i like about it the most but it's like you know wherever you go it's gonna be fucked up you know what i mean yeah so it's like yeah dude yeah it's like uh there's a guy yeah that you could be like a successful like lawyer with like a wife and three kids yeah and you could just like walk into your backyard and shoot yourself in the head you know yeah you shoot yourself yeah and dude and it's like if you bring that up with someone if you're

like yeah man like sometimes i think about like shooting my dick off with a fucking nail gun they're just like you're fucking insane dude yeah and it's like no you're insane man right if you haven't had that thought yeah you're crazy man why haven't you thought about that before dude yeah i know i uh did you have like friends from like high school or college who now live in pretty normal-ass lives? How do they like it? My friends? I mean, they're all in relationships, man. So it's like, that's all they do.

And I think about that and I'm like, you know what, dude? Maybe you're in a good spot. Yeah, dude. Yeah, love is really something. There is a study, though, that married people are happier. Married people, not people in relationships, like people who are married. Really?

They're happier than the average single person. How come? I think just because you have... Someone who has to... You have a permanent person in your life you know what I mean okay and it's also

I mean some people think we're like we're here some people think there's no meaning of life and if there is a meaning of life it's just to like reproduce yeah you know people are just like oh like I'm married to reproduce

like that's it how would you feel if you accidentally knock someone up? I would, I would do what you just said about the lawyer. Right. You probably blow your, for sure. Yeah.

Right. Fucking shoot yourself in the head. The girl, the girl says, Hey, I'm pregnant. She calls you. Hey,

I'm pregnant. And then you go one sec. I got a, and then she just hears you. She just hears the gun. Oh, you think I would do it on the phone you're just like she's like I'm pregnant

and you're like okay can you hold on you put her on speaker just like FaceTime yeah wait one sec he FaceTimed and you're just like are you gonna are you gonna get an abortion yeah well yeah dude i mean i know like all this stuff's

pretty deep but at the end of the day dude it's just like you just gotta stay positive somehow man you know yeah i agree dude i think uh that's why my walks are good the did you ever do gratitude uh do you ever like do like a gratitude list like what are you thankful for you think i'm thinking about doing it yeah i think i have been doing it mentally like uh the past few weeks every once in a while what are you grateful for i mean dude i'm grateful for this podcast dude yeah i do the gratitude thing when i see other people's lives and i'm like, damn, dude, that's shitty, man. What about, I mean, what about like, you know, like Anthony Edwards? I'm grateful for him, you know? Oh, you're a Timberwolves fan? He's just awesome.

Yeah. I'm grateful for, you know, like Luka Doncic, a white guard in my lifetime is one of the best players in the NBA. It's amazing. Yeah. I mean, dude, I think my darkest thought, man, if we're having a heart to heart right now, dude. Yeah. Is like, I don't want to be normal, dude. Okay.

You know, I feel like everyone's trying to be normal and stuff. And it's like, dude, I'm happy that I'm like mentally challenged. Oh, yeah. Like I'm happy I have flaws and I'm retarded and I don't know how to talk to people and all that. Like I'm happy about that, man. You're happy that people know and think there's something wrong with you? Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Because like imagine being that normal guy who's just like oh sunny and 75 tomorrow like fuck that guy dude right the guy that just the guy just reads the weather okay he's got yeah imagine being that guy who who has the weather app no but uh you're talking like you imagine being the guy who thinks it's going to be a great day uh just like being that guy who like has a wife and has kids and he has to be mature all the time but you but you were talking about that dating show you know earlier yeah and you said that that really got in your head a little yeah how come because i was across the table from an attractive woman. Yeah. And everything I said, I was just like, wow, dude. Whatever, whatever came to my mind at that moment was how I was, you know, how I was feeling or whatever.

Within the first five minutes, we had to stop because I thought she was going to hurt me. So she was upset with you. Yeah. Cause I was just cracking jokes, dude. Like I was cracking like feminist jokes and like, you know, yeah.

And granted she, she was a very hardcore feminist. Yeah. And the jokes were worth it, but it's also like, she has to play along. In my head, I was just like,

damn dude, like you're going to die along. In my head, I was just like, damn, dude, like, you're going to die alone. Right. She was disappointed with your effort. But what if you guys just aren't compatible? Yeah. What if you need a girl who's, like, maybe not so much of a feminist? Yeah.

I mean, I've been saying that for a long time now. Yeah. You don't want to. I mean, being a feminist is good to say it's good to have on your resume yeah but like it's not it's not what we're all it's not the the real sauce i just feel like you and i dude you know we're boys now and stuff yes and we're both just single dudes yes who are into sports yes love t Love tits, dude. And beer. Super immature. Oh, I love beer. You like coffee.

Just we're super immature. Yeah. We both look kind of confused sometimes. Definitely. And that's a good life, man. Yeah. But that comes with some realizations. Yeah.

Like sometimes it's just not. Women don't really see us as a long-term investments. Yeah. Like we're not, you and I aren't the type of dudes who are going to be doing like yard work anytime soon. I don't think so. Which kind of sucks, man. Cause yard work is, looks kind of fun, dude.

Well, I want to put in, put on like an album. I put my headphones in and just fucking vibe out and yeah throw down some mulch you know that would be your go-to is like the mulch dude i think i would first do i have no idea even how to take care of a yard but for sure i'd for sure make sure i have enough mulch i'd buy 30 bags of mulch honey we got it i'm taking care of it dude my, he lives in Roslindale in Mass right now. Yeah. And he bought a house. He's got the girl.

And, dude, he was doing yard work. Yeah. Like, the way, like, he was showing me. Dude, he was, like, showing me his bushes, like, the trim. Uh-huh. And at one point, he's just like, look at that, dude. He's like, look at the trim. I was like, yeah, I see. He's like, fucking the trim i was like yeah i see he's like fucking pretty good right i was just

like like he he's amped about his his yard oh man yeah dude so he's he's a legend no he's a legend he's like a finance bro uh golfs on the weekends legend dude and uh fucking in the mornings on the weekends like takes care of his yard oh man i used to have a truck dude my mom would make me go to uh like home depot and just buy mulch dude just buy like 16 bags dude yeah you know how i felt loading that shit up dude yeah you feel like a real man oh my god right get a good bicep pump dude just drive away listening to the rolling stones man yeah drinking a coffee dude always always sipping on coffee yeah dude that's it i think about yard work way too much for someone who doesn't do yard work well you've got a good well you're you're halfway there already with like the the dad like the dad collar get up yeah you've got you do like

the pro you do like the chicken and protein rice protein thing you've kind of got like a dad it kind of like a guy you would kind of have a man's man vibe in that sense yeah a little stoicism to me dude oh yeah like uh yeah like you can't be you can't be shook you can't be shaken not stirred oh dude i just got a little hard when you said that yeah you're like uh dude you're uh you know that that's why I'm shocked that this girl rattled you. Oh, she didn't dude. She's trying to get in my head, dude. But so even though you realize that love for you, uh, is, uh, may, may never happen. Yeah. You were not rattled. Listen, dude, something terrible could happen, bro. bro yeah you wouldn't know i'm rattled

yeah you know like deep down there's probably like you know landslides playing yeah there's it's raining it's rain i mean a donut like a glazed donut in the middle of like in the middle of traffic dude yeah yeah i'm trying to like figure out where i'm going next like that's all happening inside though so you can't see it you know what i mean yeah so like no matter what's happening around you on the inside you're fucking you're you're jamming you're jamming out yeah i mean i feel like you're that way too dude you're like the most stoic dude i've ever met in my life i i'm glad that i that i portray that i mean you're serbian right serbian dude i should be a little bit more uh badass yeah i should be a little bit more like you know i feel like if like shit hit the fan though dude like you'd come out of the closet

as a serbian yeah my serbian my serbian comes out when i drink whiskey oh wow so when i drink whiskey uh especially whiskey and i'm like a little drunk if if you get on my nerves, we're going to have an issue. Wow. You just like grow a full bush? Like what happens? I do. I do grow a bush. I get hard and I want to fight people.

I really do, dude. It's bad. Really? I think a lot of people can get a little bit of anger streak when they're drunk. That's kind of scary. But you're like 6'6", too, dude. Yeah. But I've.

I've. I've. Because it's like when you. There's nothing worse than being the guy. When you're arguing with somebody. There's nothing worse than resorting to like raising your voice. Yeah. You know, like when you're the guy that's like raising their voice and being like, well,

I'll beat the shit out of you. Then it's like you lost. You're the worst person in the world. You lost. So it's like even though. But there is some people that do think that is cool serbians serbians think that's cool do they really serbians are fighters and they don't think logically and they don't really talk a lot though right uh some of them run their mouths yeah some of them are fucking

serbians are very like vain and like uh just like just just just kind of it's kind of dumb um it just sounds like you guys are like eating a dick though when you talk right oh yeah the accent the language the accent's thick yeah yeah it's uh it's like it's it's like it's like russian slavic yeah it's like your tonsils are just like a pair of knots, dude. Yeah. It's like, it sounds like we're sucking on a dick, which is ironic because of how, how homophobic Serbians are. Yeah.

I sound, they sound like they're sucking a dick. That's like the worst thing in the culture though. Really? That's the last thing you can do. You literally like, if you're, if you are caught sucking a dick as a Serbian, I don't even, I think my brother's in the closet. you can do you literally like if you're if you are caught sucking a dick as a serbian i don't even i think my brother's in the closet and like i think uh and i think he's like he really is pushing it down well i mean there's nothing like keeping someone in the closet other than like

murder you know that's a good way right to keep someone in there like knowing that you'll die you know what i mean especially like what would happen if he came out during like a a dinner if my brother came out as gay during i would feel i would feel really happy because here's the thing i think i think that's why he's such an angry dude oh because like because like i've seen my brother beat the shit out of people before. And I've seen my brother really kick some people's ass. Like, a lot of guys' ass. Yeah.

And I think it's because he's mad he can't fuck them. Like, I think he's mad he, like, can't kiss the guy. So he's just, like, he doesn't, he wants to, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, he wants to, like, fuck this guy so badly. Yeah. But he's just, like, how, but he's just like how and he he's just like i'm just gonna beat you up holy shit what do you what makes you think he's gay though is he like does he show peas a lot he's uh he's just a very like uh he's a very like well-groomed

guy he's always like looking at himself in the mirror he's very like obviously narcissistic is not like doesn't mean it's a gay tendency but he's just very like in in high school he like shaved his legs and like he's not even a swimmer no basketball player that's good at the time yeah so yeah so it's like and he's just very he's always been kind of uh like a pretty boy but like jacked and like will beat you up so you think your brother's gay because he's well groomed i think he's gay because he's well-groomed? I think he's gay because he's well-groomed and has a nice smile. But I think that's where his anger stems from.

I think he has an anger problem because he can't fuck the guys that he wants to fuck. He has to fuck women. He's pissed about it. That's a crazy philosophy, dude. No. I think it's on point. No, I'm not saying that type of crazy.

I'm just saying the way you piece that together is almost unheard of. Right. But you can kind of see what I'm saying. I see what you're saying, yeah. Like a guy that wants to, like all he does is just he kicks ass all he does he kicks his ass but it's but it's because he's just like he's just because he's so mad that he can't he's he's fucking women and he's that would be crazy dude to see a closeted gay dude at the bar like punch someone in the face and then just start making out with them that's what i'm saying they with them. That's what I'm saying, dude. They'll be wild, dude. That's what I'm saying.

Dude, everyone's brain would blow up. Right. Oh, my. Dude, you would change the trajectory of time. My sister said that my brother apparently came home and his wife, he's married, by the way, his wife said that he's like, he's like really, he went to visit his college buddies. They did like some thing.

They like hung out or whatever did like a what is it a retreat not a retreat but like a reunion reunion type thing and uh he came home and he was like really sad for three days and my sister was like i think that but i'm not gonna say his name my sister thinks that he cheated on his wife and uh and i know for a fact that like when my brother would cheat when he was younger he's like you know like this was like in college or whatever no remorse really i think he fucked the dude i think he fucked a guy wow i think he's sad about it i've met a lot of dudes like that two men who uh who used to cheat a lot and they always did gay shit right yeah cheating is gay

cheating is gay we live in such a confusing world man we're like we say gay shit and we're against gay people you know like we're yelling like suck my dick faggot yeah and it's like how am i the faggot you know right you just you're telling me to suck you off. Right. And I'm the gay one? No. It needs to change. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think that would be like, I think I would like to see like a politician,

I'd like to see a presidential candidate kind of fix that, fix that part. Like just, just, you know, just, we can't be, we can't be saying this stuff. Oh yeah. You know. There are certain phrases that should be taken or just like reiterated, you know, like yeah like you should tell yeah you should tell you

should be able to tell a woman to suck your dick probably for sure yeah that should be like that should be for no reason encouraged yeah like when you compliment a woman in your office you should be like great job jenny you should fucking suck me off yeah that would be a great policy man i think that'd be you should be required to say that when you walk into the bank right women that's how that's what we should say instead of being like instead of like a girl saying like oh like you i like your shirt or i like your jeans just being like can i i'd love to blow you right now yeah but like not meaning but not meaning it yeah like not me just being like can i i'd love to blow you right now yeah but like not meaning but not meaning it yeah like not me just to like boost your self-esteem a little bit yeah can i blow you

oh my god dude i i'm thinking like in the morning they should do that in corporate offices there should be like a time there should be like 10 minutes a day where you can just yell whatever you want oh yeah what would you what would you say if you were in an office like like in that setting then oh man if it got really quiet dude i would just stand up and like fuck my little pussy oh yeah yeah what do you think you would yell i might say like uh you know black black people rock i don't know wow yeah holy shit man that's probably what i said you're trying to gain the people's yeah i'd say black people rock because i'm pushing the people away and you're bringing them together yeah i'm saying like yeah i'm just yeah i'm just saying like yo

i just in case anyone did yeah because like if i if i have the floor yeah i just want to be like you want to be famous and asians too you want to be liked by the people yeah i can't be like you just say fuck my little pussy yeah people are like okay but what how honestly how do you get mad at that there's a guy in the office once a day he just shouts out fucking black people rock and so do asians yeah i mean i would laugh that's like what are you mad about yeah well i'm just saying like i feel like companies should implement this as like a stress reliever like you know sometimes when you get stressed out throughout the day you just kind of like want to let it all out yeah you know but i guess it just depends on the person like

you know whatever you want to yell yeah you know yeah i might be like actually i might actually i might just instead so you said you know fuck my little pussy i might do something more personal i might be like i might just shout like like something about me okay like uh my brother and i haven't talked in three years that's what i would say, which is true. I should be like, my brother and I haven't spoken in three years. As you're like doing a spreadsheet. Yeah. I'm just typing an email. Dude, at my work, when I first started, we were in like a conference meeting.

This was like when I had to go into the office. And I, dude, I used to have to try so hard to like be professional. And you have like a bunch of salespeople in the office and they were like, all right, we're going to go through like live sales calls. So this dude is calling like a loan officer on speaker. And dude, I started fucking pissing my pants laughing. Cause I just imagine like him answering the phone and I just come up behind him and like yelled something. Like, dude, you know how fucking funny that would be? What would you yell? Because like, dude, our whole team's there.

Yeah. And this is like a very, this is a big moment for this dude. Yeah. To like show his talent and everyone's watching, you know? And you're on the phone with another professional. Right. If I came up behind him and I was like, oh,, and you're on the phone with another professional. Right. If I came up behind him and I was like, Oh fuck me.

You know what I mean? Like, and then everyone's just like, what is, yeah. He's like, hello. So he's trying to make a sales call.

And then you sneak up behind that guy. Yeah. I put my head up to the phone, like my mouth up the phone. fuck me fuck me they're like that's not i feel like a lot of people have those thoughts at work though dude it's so hard not to you know what i mean well because when you when you when you're so buttoned up when you're so buttoned up, you just want to scream something insane. Oh, man. I remember the drives home, dude.

Where was this at again? This was in Rhode Island. Dude, I used to have to drive an hour home to Boston. And on the ride home, I just had to let everything out. So I would just yell stuff. You were doing sales? No, I wasn't doing sales. I was just there to watch.

They just let me in the building. It was like they wanted to like show off, you know, this is what our sales people do. We're going to show you how it's done. Wow. And I just thought it'd be funny if like me, like someone who never speaks, you know, just like sneaks up behind the dude.

You want to fuck me? You want to fuck me? You want to fuck me? You want to suck my little pee-pee? Alright, do we get phone calls? Oh, cool. Hey Johnny Salamiami my fucking guy hey i went up and i went on a hike um in the mountains and there's a bunch of fucking like rock formations so i climbed up to the fucking top and i went to the edge and i just took the most majestic piss off of the mountain. So my question is, what's the most majestic piss you've ever taken?

All right, thank you. Wow. Good guy, dude. Majestic piss. That's really cool. That's really funny. Do you want to answer first i think i've talked about this before dude but i was at an open party in college and uh i was on the rugby team yeah and this is

the first party we ever threw and so it wasn't invite only we were in the middle of providence rhode island like in the hood yeah and that's where all the parties were and so anyone could come so we end up throwing like this rager and I remember being like blasted and I uh my friend was like dude there's a roof do you want to go up to the roof and hang out up there and I was like yeah man sure so we just brought up a bunch of like bud lights to the roof yeah and we're on the roof. Yeah. And we're on the roof to drink a Bud Light. And we hear people are trying to get into the party. And I'm like, yeah, watch this, dude.

So I just pull my pants down. And I'm pissing off the roof onto people. And I just hear this one girl. She's like, oh, my God, is it raining? And I'm crying laughing. she's like oh my god is it raining and i'm crying laughing and i look down and it's this girl who i've had a crush on all year dude and she's like covered in piss dude oh my god and uh yeah but something about it man it felt it felt awesome it felt great man wait that was good pissing off of a roof dude yeah but onto a girl you like i

mean when i found out that wasn't the good the good feeling was the piss off the roof i mean technically i really did have to it's technically the worst piss yeah but dude i died like the bathroom line was crazy man oh okay i have this secret spot that i'm in nobody knows we're on the roof you know and then you just let it rip. And, uh, what, how did she react? Uh, furious, man.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, as I would expect, you know, were you kicked out of the party? No. People just kind of kept,

she, she went in, dude, she partied. So people just kind of kept hanging out? Oh yeah. Did people think it was funny? Um,

I'm going to be honest with you, man uh fought me so i guess you would think if you got pissed on if i was at a party and i saw a guy peeing on a girl i'd be like you have to leave dude i'd be like you have to fucking leave right now what are you doing i think i honestly do i think i yelled something that calmed everyone down uh yeah he was like it's all right just me yeah it's me johnny i was like beyblades let it rip and then i they were like all right everything's fine now like everyone relaxed dude i just took a majestic piss i got buddies though dude who will they'll piss dude and it sounds like they're they're coming it's crazy yeah a um dude a good uh when you're talking about golfing dude a good

piss on a golf course man when you're like on like the like the let's say you're on like the 13th hole yeah you've been holding it in for a couple. Yeah. And you're, like, that third beer piss. There's nothing like it, dude. Unreal. Yeah. You can just take your time, too. You're playing your... At that point, you don't even care who's watching, either.

Especially if you're playing well. Yeah, you're like, fuck, dude. I just hit that thing right down the fairway. I'm going to go piss in the woods real quick. Dude, nothing better than, like, drinking on, like, off course, too. Holy fucking shit, man. And people who bash it, like, they haven't been. And then when they go, they're like, oh.

Right. This makes sense now. It's the best, dude. It's the absolute best. Are you good at golf? No. But just being buzzed, dude, and looking at an open green, man. Oh, my God.

There's nothing like it, dude. Yeah. It's so amazing. That's why people keep going back, dude. Like, you can chunk a dude,, like break your wrist in half. But, dude, if you take one good shot, one good drive, dude, you're just thinking about next week, man. It's an amazing, amazing sport, dude.

And I wish I was better at it. I golfed with my buddy last summer he was really good here uh in boston oh he shot a 79 wow yeah just filthy yeah he was amazing damn dude to be able to do that in front of other people you don't know too yeah it was getting bad man i would like a few years ago i would go so much and i started drinking on weekdays this was like years ago and uh i would show up to this course near my house with like a thermos just filled with twisted tea and i would just drink it throughout and i would keep refilling it and there was uh dude there was a group in front of us and they were on a different green and I

complete, like I hit it at them and like Danielle four and I'm walking over to them like pretty buzzed. And, uh, they're like, Oh, is your ball right here?

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, it's mine right there. My bad. They're like, Oh, no worries.

They're like, Oh, are you hitting on that green? Do they point it? It was literally like two greens oh like i was two fairways over and i was like yeah yeah just somewhere over there oh my god like all right man just let it rip whatever dude so i like take my time like i'm trying to focus yeah and hit it back in our fairway yeah dude i just hit it at them again

and they're like they didn't say anything they were of like, oh, this kid's retarded. You know what I mean? Dude, I'm walking. I don't have a car. I'm just walking. And I just keep walking after them. Dude, I did it another, I did it two times in a row. And then eventually I just like took the ball.

I just picked the ball up with my hands and walked two fairways over. Has no one tried to fight you before? Walked two fairways over. Has no one tried to fight you before? Dude, the only time I've ever almost been in a fight, dude, was when I farted in class in middle school. And the kid in front of me, he was like, dude, if you do that shit again, man, I'm going to fuck you up. And I ended up doing it again. Yeah.

And he followed me home. He took the wrong bus home and uh i was walking with my sister and i felt like a snowball hit the back of my head yeah and i turned around and it was him and he was like dude come fucking fight me and i remember looking him in the eyes and i go who are you shut up and he was shut up it threw him off so bad and then he just it was almost like he had like a moment he needed to find his way home after that well i dude honestly i think he had a moment where he's like wait a second who am i right you know what i mean and then uh my sister actually ended up sticking up for me she was like she was like you don't want to fight him like he'll fuck you up oh like i didn't have the i didn't have the

balls to say it yeah this kid was like two years older than me dude like this kid was big dude like this kid probably would have fucked me up and my sister was like you don't he's fucking retarded like he'll fucking yeah he'll suck you off he's got retard strength he'll beat you up and suck you off and he was like yeah whatever fuck you and yeah my sister's like fuck you pussy and like she like stuck out for me dude and i felt like such a bitch dude but he had to walk home and i knew where he lived it was like two miles he took the wrong bus home dude yeah took bus 14 home, bro. Do you remember those, like, dude, like, those, like, buses in, like, middle school, like, going to school, like, when it was really snowy out and they took a while to get to class? Yeah. Do you remember that?

Mm-hmm. Where you were like, damn, dude, like, we're getting to class, like, a half hour late. Like, this is just, this is better than anything. It was, like, the best feeling. Oh, yeah. Getting to, like, starting school late because of, like, because I grew up in like this like kind of distant suburb and uh yeah we used to get like the we used to get fucking snow like snow like crazy and it would just take one time we got to school the school started what 7 45 uh we got to school like nine once and it was just the best

feeling ever oh my my God, dude. And like you, you have that excuse too. Like you don't have to. Yeah. You just say it on the intercom too. They're like, some buses are arriving late. Oh yeah. We were one of those.

We were one of those, dude. Dude, you know what was a good feeling? I don't know if you ever experienced this dude, but when you would take the bus home, sometimes different chicks would take the bus home to like hang out with their friends oh yeah they'd be going over like another girl's house and they'd have to take their bus yeah and just seeing that girl come on your bus yeah and you're just listening to like the old like lil wayne soundtrack dude yeah do a new girl on the bus dude how about how about this how about when uh you found out that like you had like your crush was like in like your math class or your english class oh man holy that's probably

that's probably the most horny i've ever been yeah i haven't been that excited about a woman since yeah i almost jerked off once in the middle school bathroom yeah i can see that i can see the girl in front of me dude dude. Because she was just so hot. Dude. Yeah. She wasn't even that hot, man. She just had the biggest ass, dude. Oh, my. How about that? How about, like, middle school when girls first start sprouting, you know?

They start becoming women. How about when you start to get, like, a hug from a girl? When girls will come up and hug you sometimes? Oh, man. And you kind of feel, like, those tiny boobs on you? you were like you your whole body was shook oh my god shook that's like uh that's a fucking renaissance dude you have to just start over yeah we don't start over like it's just a new beginning oh yeah like nothing's prepared you for that well yeah like life is my life is now it's it's like BCAD type stuff.

Where you're like before tits, after tits. Dude, I used to have the worst staring problem too in middle school. Staring? Dude, I was like wicked fat, dude. Like I had tits and like glass and stuff. I like didn't really understand like females because they like wouldn't talk to me, dude. Yeah, you had tough. And like, dude, if you were in my class and you were a hott a hottie bro i would literally just stare at you for like half the class see one time this chicken

math class literally like i was looking at her for probably 40 minutes straight and she just goes what the fuck are you looking at and i just didn't say anything you just turned around yeah what the fuck yeah she was my neighbor too just like you i'm looking i'm looking at you i guess she's so odd though i couldn't stop what'd you say nothing dude right so you were you were the retard kid yeah i never i never spoke dude i never spoke and then i would rip ass dude what were what were teachers uh evaluations of you in high school or middle school and growing up

Passive they used that word a lot I think that's just a nice way of calling me a mute Yeah you never talked There were teachers who were just like yeah like we never heard John speak Why were you talking? why were you talking?

why were you talking to anyone? I mean part of it was because I was like you know I was trying to be like respectful dude you know what I mean like I wasn't like a big talker in class you know you weren't a class clown no I mean I was but it was always like on the last week of school dude I would just

fart and keep a straight face yeah that was your big joke i mean dude that crushes a fart really does crush if you send one off the walls dude and you keep a straight face yeah dude because people are like this kid hasn't said anything all year and now now he's ripping dimes, dude. Yeah. With a straight face. With a straight face. Yeah. There's nothing funnier than that, dude. Yeah, there is nothing funnier.

Yeah, it's crazy. Like, in middle school, if you were really good at farting and if you were, like, really fast, those were, like, the two best things you could be. Yeah. Like, really fast. Like, if you were, like, athletic. But, like, we didn't know how to define it. Like like we didn't know how to define like we weren't really we didn't know how good each other was at sports so like if you were just like fast

in gym class yeah you were elite and if you farted really loud no not even being fast in gym class i mean for me it was like being good at dodgeball definitely definitely good at dodgeball dude then you gained everyone's respect everyone's respect no one was no one was talking shit to you this is back in the day when we're using like alligator skin too dude like you're throwing fucking heaters man well you could really do damage you could do damage dude dude i would tell you uh uh we were doing softball in gym class and for some reason my teacher had us uh had us like lining up behind the batter. And this girl just swung and let go of the bat. And I'm talking to my boy, and the bat just comes flying at me.

Fucking nails me. Immediate pop on my lip. Super bloody. Blood's going everywhere. The girl is on the ground crying already. Already on sight from seeing my face and i had this like ultra like midwest like fat gym teacher like he's got the mustache he's got the fucking weird haircut he's got like the collared shirt and he looks at he goes oh yeah they'll just put a little

butterfly on that let's put a little butterfly right there was it bad like you have like damage i had stitcher here i have this uh oh shit yeah yeah oh yeah just a little butterfly it'll be all right and i dude i fucking i had stitches right here and like i can't like i've had i've had this scar i mean did you cry didn't cry wow couldn't believe it i was just so like dude it was like it was like a fucking it was like a tarantino like movie like and it just fucking was spraying like it was like four wow and uh i was just like okay i guess this is what's going on thank god it wasn't a metal bat that was like one of those plastic wiffle ball bats oh really yeah so that's why i mean if it was metal i was gonna say dude that's pretty good for a metal if it was metal, I'd be like. I was going to say, dude, that's pretty good for a metal bat. If it was metal, my face would have been broken.

Dude, there's a guy, there's a coach, or there was a softball coach at my high school. Dude, he got hit in the head with a fucking softball bat, dude. He has like a legit. Yeah. He has like a legit dent in his head. Like he looks like the fucking avatar, dude. Dude, there's a guy I used to work with in Chicago. He's got, he's got, he's like missing like half his eyebrow and it's all scarred up and i was like dude what

did you get that was he you get into a bar fight or something he's like no walking home from a bar in college dude just took a bat to his head just fucking just fucking nailed it it's crazy man dude i would do whatever it took back in the day to just not cry, you know? Oh. Like. Yeah. I had been hurt so many times, dude. Really?

When I was younger, my mom had, like, a shitty minivan. Yeah. And she dropped me off at this kid's house, and his parents would take care of me and my sister. Yeah. So, like, their whole family comes outside to say hi to us and uh my sister's closing the van door and my finger is in the van door dude dude like she swung it hard fucking nails my finger and everyone saw it and everyone's like holy fucking shit dude like what the fuck yeah yeah everyone's like dude are you okay you okay okay and i was like yeah and then just like a just a single tear rolled down my face

you're like jason statham yeah why do you think you had to be so tough in that moment i mean dude that's happened at least three times where i'll just i'll be like yeah i'm good and then like a single oh my god tear will fall down, dude. Dude, I'm trying to think about like the, dude, when I was in third grade, me and my brother, we drew during March Madness, me and my brother drew a basketball, like a half court on our carpet in the basement. And we showed my mom because we were like

really proud of it yeah and uh she like almost had an aneurysm dude and she was so fucking mad and then later that that night we had to uh me and my brother were like just hooping on it because like we were like i guess i guess we made the core let's let's play on it yeah and he like i was about to beat him he was older than me so he just like threw me into the wall and i had this like start gushing blood down here yeah and uh my mom was like so mad at us that she was like i'm not taking you to the hospital for like two hours to the point where we were just like we were we got to the point where we were like fuck we have to uh um like eventually my mom like she had to take me and she was so mad at me and she was so mad that she had to take me because her carpet was ruined and i was like bleeding like crazy she was so so angry. In short with the doctors,

they took me into another room and they were like, they thought my mom beat the shit out of me. They were like, is your mom like, do you have a good relationship with your mom? And I was like, she's pretty mad at me right now.

And they're like, why is she mad at you? And I was like, oh, I drew like a, I drew a carpet. I drew a basketball court on my carpet and the doctor was like oh wow that's really that's pretty he like was like siding with her he was yeah and uh yeah it was uh it was it was a pretty but you didn't cry is what you're saying didn't cry at all wow dude yeah i wonder what that is man yeah i wonder what that is too maybe we used to evolve from like fucking warriors dude warriors of god dude but dude i used to cry when like my feelings were hurt yeah exactly i'm not a

physical crier like you could probably break my leg but like i'm an emotional crier oh like emotional abuse like that'll that'll do me in dude. Dude, the right song, right time. Yeah. It's waterworks dude. But yeah, dude, we'll switch over to, uh,

Oh yeah. Uh, we'll switch over to Patreon. Uh, thanks to Alex. Uh, we will, uh,

switch over to Patreon. Do another half hour on that. Do another half hour on Patreon. Uh, if you guys aren't already on please uh join the patreon for a dollar a month and uh yeah we will get bonus content yeah we'll give you early release content and then an extra half hour of this episode and other episodes uh go join the patreon and yeah