The Johnny Salami Podcast - Alex Drags

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

Alex Drags by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. If someone, like, legit killed my dog, dude, I would fucking... There would be, like, a new, like, Taken movie.

It would be, like, for dogs, though, dude. Oh. It would just be called new like taken movie it would be like for dogs though dude oh it would be called like finding bub isn't isn't that the the plot of john wick doesn't his dog die yeah it would be i would make it way better though did that movie resonate with you yeah i felt like i was watching myself dude yeah you're like i would be this much of a precise shot too oh yeah if your dog dies you immediately know how to shoot people in the head You're like, I would be this much of a precise shot, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. If your dog dies, you immediately know how to shoot people in the head. I would fucking lose it, man. I would have nothing else to live for, dude. When did you know that you were, like...

You would just shoot people in the face? Well, dude, like... Because he's very tactical, right? It's like... Yeah, it wouldn't be like that, though, dude. It would literally just be... It would be me with, like, a fucking assault rifle. Oh.

Walking into, like, a fucking Denny's. You're spraying, however. I'm shooting all directions, dude. I don't even know if I would hit anything. What if a veterinarian fucked up, like, your dog's... Like, prescribed your dog the wrong thing and accidentally killed your dog? like like prescribed your dog the wrong thing and accidentally killed killed your dog what was an accident i would i would probably i would lose a lot of sleep dude

yeah and then uh the next day i would take my honda accord over there dude i would legitimately fucking play rock you like a hurricane yeah full volume and just drive right through the place i just go out like that no seat belt no no i would want it to be like do some damage for sure i would want to pass away on impact yeah preferably uh-huh if i lived that would be a tough thing to live with you have to say like my bad that would be like a cool story to tell though like bars and shit you know like some guy fucked it with my dog and i tried to instead of going after him i went after the denny's he ate at yeah if i'm like single at like an applebee's when i'm older that'll be a good story to tell you with the fellas yeah at like 6 30 a.m having coffee with

it just like a chick i meant you know yeah she. She's like, you just live a boring life. And I'm like... Yeah. Yeah. Can you see yourself for some reason being single at like 55? Yeah. For sure. I mean, I wouldn't make it that far.

Okay. If I'm single for the next five years, you know, it'll be over. Someone could poison you. I'll either just be like a fake gay dude, you know, one of those dudes that's gay because you could just never get pussy. Okay. You know,

a fake gay. Yeah. I would just hang out with dudes all the time and like not fuck them. Do you think that's why some people go gay? Yeah. Like, like when they, they come out at 22,

it's like, I'm gay. It's like, Hey man, you just, yeah, they've just been lonely for a while. They didn't really like the girls. Didn't really like it like it dude i think that's a lot to do with it why

don't they say that why don't they just go hey i'm gay and i just feel like it's gonna be a better opportunity for me dude i think they kind of get convinced into it man yeah a few people who were like pretty lonely sure you know and then they met a gay person who kind of like walked them through the steps. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, like getting your dick sucked is getting your dick sucked. Yeah. It does.

It feels good. Yeah, dude. I think. I think. Yeah, man. I think either way. I mean, I've never, you know, I've never been blown by a dude. Right.

I feel like they kind of know. Exactly what they know yeah yeah right it's just the fact that it's a dude that you kind of have to get over that hump you know maybe that's it too maybe they're like maybe they're like i'll practice on guys until a girl likes me yeah yeah some girls just like don't know what to do man and they're like really insecure but like a dude's gonna know he's seen so many genres of porn that he's going to be doing, like, crazy shit. That's also probably a road some guys go down. Like, they're with a girl for the first time who doesn't know what she's doing.

And then he's like, maybe I like dudes. Yeah. Tries a dude. Dude knows what he's doing. Yeah. He's a member forever. Yeah, dude. You would just have to be really, like, really set your boundaries, though, man.

Like, as far as, like, what you want to do, you know? you know because like how much are you going to get blown before he's like all right you know my turn all right you got to be like no no no no this is over yeah and also you have to tell the guy every guy you're with you have to go hey by the way i like girls i just yeah i just i like how you suck yeah my dick that would be insane dude to have like an instagram profile where you're like you're like i love pussy but i love when dudes blow me yeah all capital letters like i love pussy dudes blow me. Yeah. It does. The math.

The thing is the math adds up. Some girls hate giving blowjobs. I would say like 99% for sure, dude. I wonder how many. What percent of guys you think like giving blowjobs? Just on a whim. Like on a top of your head. I would say about 99%. Yeah.

You got to be committed to that man yes you're like i like it yeah probably i just feel like it's a lifestyle man you know sure it's not something you joke about that's how they feel yeah i wonder how uh yeah i wonder like what that transition would feel like in a gay relationship. What if you're with a man and your boyfriend's bi? You probably like. If I was like legit gay? Yeah. I'd be fucking wicked jealous, dude.

Right. Because then you're like, because then he's looking at two different. Yeah. I guess you can say that about your girlfriend, right? I feel like I'm just not good enough. Yeah, if your girlfriend's bi, anytime she looks at girls, you're like, fuck. Yeah, even if I have a girlfriend

and she's looking at other girls, I'm like, what are you doing? I hate you. Yeah, yeah. I had that happen once. Yeah. I didn't know this, but it was actually at a comedy show.

I brought a girl to see, uh, this was back in Chicago. Do you know, do you know Sarah Sherman? She's on SNL now. Oh, sure.

And, uh, she performed and the girl that I was dating for like a few months just went up to Sarah after the show and was like, Alex doesn't know this, but like, I am like, am like bye like i think you're really hot yeah and sarah was like oh i have a boyfriend she was like oh like well the girl i was with tried to hook up with that must have broken you down man i had like to really check i had to really rethink a lot of stuff i was was 24. Oh, wow.

It's already a confusing time in general, dude. Yeah. I thought I was. Yeah, I was like, I knew I was straight. I was pretty sure every girl I was going to be with was straight. And then this happens. Yeah. I had a similar situation, dude, where I went on a hinge date when I first moved here, man,

with a chick from philadelphia did you rock that polo uh yeah dude really i rocked a flannel over it though dude a flannel over yeah the turquoise polo yeah i wasn't fucking around dude that that means business right yeah that means i'm about to fucking launder money you know what i'm saying i'm gonna go on this date and launder money and uh yeah the date didn't even go that well man but uh dude it ended because um like the date didn't end but i found out like through text she was uh she was bi yeah and i responded and i said oh damn i heard girls are nice with it at eating box and And she responded and she was like, yeah, I don't really want to move forward with this. Right.

Because she was like very, very insecure about it. She wasn't like a confident. I don't know if there are confident bisexual people out there. Because they're already like kind of confused. Right. What do they really have to stand on? Yeah, it's like pick a side dude you're flimsy yeah your whole life's flimsy i gotta go to one of the riots dude um

the riots parades whatever yeah i just called a parade a riot do you call protest parades are you guys going to that black lives matter parade that would be insane dude if i was ever at a parade you know in general imagine going to a fucking parade imagine if you were at a black lives matter protest and you turn around you're like this parade's pretty fucking awesome yeah people would be like You would get shot on sight, dude. Yeah. Like, you would get kicked out for sure.

Mm-hmm. Brutal thing to say. Sorry? I just want to go to, like, a parade. No, actually, I want to go to a protest. Yeah. And, like, make a sign that, like, doesn't make sense. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. And just get, like, a picture of it you know so they always have those like monumental pictures yeah historical pictures of people protesting yes it would be so funny to have one it's just like a random sign it just says like fuck my little ass you're like you're like a fucking i don't even know dude it would be funny if you at like a fucking, I don't even know, dude. It would be funny if you were at like a fucking, what type of parade would that be funny at? What type of parade would that be funny at? Just any parade pretty much.

Like a memorial day. Fuck my little ass. A memorial day parade in like a small town. And they've got like kids like playing instruments like like they got the band like the high school band you've got your little sign that says fuck my little ass nobody knows you not a single person you're in davenport iowa at a memorial day parade straight face and all dude straight face just watching people go by. In, like, cool-ass black sunglasses. Like, cool fucking, like, Oakleys.

This polo with, like, baseball player type Oakleys. They're saying, fuck my little ass. And you don't say a word the whole time, but you're just in the center of the parade. Just drinking, like, a twisted tea, dude. Yeah. Just getting blasted. just drinking like a twisted tea dude yeah just getting blasted getting blasted by myself at like the playground yeah you're kind of set up in one of the in like a lawn chair too oh yeah getting hammered one of those lawn chairs that's like not even like

a lawn chair it's like a beach chair yeah like a lounging one that's like that's like the colors of the rainbow right yeah yeah that's sick dude that would be a sick life to live man just to be that guy yeah man i think about that all the time just living like one of those lives where like you don't give a shit about like what anyone thinks sometimes i'll do a club in like a smaller town or in the middle of the country and i'm like this is the right way to live like the people like like you talk to a bartender in like madison it's not a tiny town but whatever like talk to a bartender like one of these college times or something like that and guy's like 35 he's got a dog yeah he's got a like he's got a girlfriend who like works at the coffee shop she's hot yeah she comes she visits she comes to the bar after she was at the show had a great time

and you're like what are you guys gonna do like oh this weekend like you know we're gonna go up to like we're gonna go to their cabin or whatever her cabin they have a cabin like a lake house yeah i'm like so you just you can afford a great lifestyle you can afford this awesome lifestyle because you're in a smaller town bartender barista couple you got the you can do whatever you want where are you upset how can you be upset yeah you know i think that's it i think that's why we're here though is because like we enjoy the being upset do you find yourself being a little bit uh energized by your anger um I don't have a lot of anger. I mean, I do. Sure.

As of recently. But like, I think I get energized. I think I'm a masochist. Yeah, you like that shit. Not in like a fucking, like, I think in like a mentally challenged way. Okay. You know what I mean? You think you're a mentally challenged masochist? I think I'm mentally challenged way okay you know what i mean you think you think you're a mentally challenged masochist i think i'm mentally challenged for sure okay um but what i don't

mean like i want to like do one of those fucking uh what are those porn videos where it's like uh i forgot the name of them dude um they're just like crucifying chicks, and it's in like black and white. Oh, you've seen those? I didn't know those were around. I mean... Where'd you find... What's that search? No, dude.

It's like a... It's not a genre. It's like a type of... You know how they have like fucking emotional porn, like Passion HD, dude? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah. Fucking like, you know know bang bus and stuff i'm pretty i'm pretty basic where are you with porn you seem you seem like you're in the depth

that's what i'm saying though dude i'm like a passionate dude like you're like a deep sea fisherman porn so i am just can fucking i'm just a confusing dude man that's what i'm saying though it's like i'm not a masochist where i'm gonna like choke people out and fucking getting one of those pits at a metal concert dude i'm a masochist i'm like i want to like i'm like an emotional dude but like i enjoy taking the subway and just like contemplating the meaning of life oh okay it took me a while to like because you can start because we started at porn yeah dude. Because I just wanted to make it known that that wasn't my stance. Because masochist is usually like, fuck it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, for me, I'll do MILF porn, and that's pretty much enough for me. I think I have the taste of a 13-year-old still. To me, you know when you try PB&J for the first time, and you're like, this is fucking awesome? Yeah. That's me for porn. Really? You're still going this is fucking awesome. Yeah. That's me for porn. Really? I still...

You're still going at it? I'm still like big boob mom. Same here, dude. Same here, bro. I feel like big boobed moms in their late 30s, early 40s, that's the hottest woman alive. Really, dude? I mean, think about it. If their tits are real.

Yeah. If they're fake tits it's like it ruins almost everything yeah yeah it ruins the whole videos where it's like you're at your friend's house and he's like you know he's late coming home sure and like it's just like his mom there yeah she's like do you want fucking you want a sandwich and then like dude those are the best yeah because like dude i'll fucking i'll blast off before anything sexual happens yeah just just to know is that brad's coming home late yeah i'm already blowing you're all about exposition yeah i'm shooting fucking loads off the ceiling right

away dude ceilings are pretty good from here but yeah dude yeah i'm with you like it's i need the story a little bit the acting's got to be good if you're gonna find that though dude if the acting throws me off yeah it's hard to keep going man it's hard i'm like five minutes into a porn i'm just like i gotta yeah i gotta stop doing this have you uh have you had any luck dating out here since you moved out here no dude i've been spanking man and i've been fine with it like i've just been are you one of those guys that they talk that women talk about are you one of the uh are you one of the guys are you an incel women do women talk about me um i don't even think women know who i am dude

i'm pretty far down on the depth chart i would say okay if i was a pitcher i would probably be like 17th on the depth chart you're like a lot of shit would have to go wrong for them to put me you're like in triple a ball i would say i would say single a dude yeah single a prospect at least with promise i haven't stretched in like five games oh really they're just they're just like they they keep they keep they keep trying to recruit over you they keep bringing in prospects over you yeah they're like he's washed wow yeah okay they're like he could have potential he's just like he's a little bit he's a little slow okay i well i'm it is kind of hard it is kind of hard to meet people in

new york are you smashing dude you i see you. A little bit here and there. Nothing crazy. Because you have like, you're definitely like immature, dude. But you have like a good, you're good at like playing it off, man. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Like you're good at like, because you can have like a mature conversation and then just boom, flip the switch, dude.

Anytime, dude. Yeah. You want to talk cum? You want to talk? Yeah. You're just riding the wave, dude. You want to talk cum? You want to talk anything else? You want to talk not cum? You're riding the wave. I guess, I don't know.

Do I strike you as a little immature? You strike me as like a dude. Like if we were good friends, I would be the dude who did wicked, retarded shit just to see your reaction. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm kind of an easy laugh sometimes, sure. I mean, it would be funnier if you didn't laugh, though.

You know what I mean? Like, I could see me riding into a fucking fruit stand on a city bike, and I would love to see your reaction to that. Dude, what the fuck? That is... Those are the moments i live for dude you know and you have to have that friend too is like what are we doing i'm not good i am that friend i'm i've been quoted as the what are we doing guy in my group chat it's uh it's not

i'm also not good at hiding it if I'm upset like that. Like if I think my friends are horsing around, I'm like very like – Guys, can we fucking – Very guarded, dude, like you're a hard read. Because like, dude, something bad could happen, bro, where I'm just like wicked upset and like no one would be able to tell because I always look the same. Oh, no. I can – I'm hard to um i'm not hard to read that's the problem inversely is like if something even if

something minutely bad happens in like even in conversation if i'm uncomfortable if i'm pissed if i don't if i'm upset with somebody i'm often very like not confrontational but like hey this is not i'm not enjoying you know oh wow i was worried that i was worried i wasn't gonna like you in a way yeah wow dude but you're very funny you're very funny wow dude that kind of got me like a little hard bro okay dude the the confrontation here like gets me going a little bit i love when people are just like straight up with people come gets me going a little bit i love when people are just like straight up with people come in here uh a little bit like uh not knowing what to expect yeah usually yeah sometimes you know there was a period in time where like

you know i was uh just training bob my dog and uh he would sneak into the bathroom dude and just take shits okay like on the floor dude yikes so like my ultimate fear was like what if i have someone over and they just you know it's like hey what's up hey what's up hey can i use the bathroom you're gonna call wait let me kind of look at it real quick and uh dude there was one time i cannot remember what podcast it was there was a legitimate like three minute window where they used the bathroom and came out and then bub went in took a shit on the floor oh wow and i was like holy shit dude it was close dude what kind of dog is bub He's an English Bulldog, dude. Wow.

He's very chill, man. He is the love of my life, dude. I never thought I would love a dog so much, dude. Why? I can't. I've never really been able to understand that people with their pets, it's a real like. You feel like you're Bub's father? Dude, I've had pets growing up.

I've had dogs my whole life. Yeah. Like multiple dogs. And I've never felt this way about another dog. What was the last moment where you felt like you really connected with Bub? It's usually when he does something that makes me want to legitimately choke him out and murder him, dude. Yeah. And then the recovery after that

is what keeps me going man you know but you ever get like a big fight with a friend and then afterwards you kind of make up dude yeah man this is what life's about dude that is what life's about i agree it's like true love man you know and and you and bob sometimes what's made you just been gone we've gone through so much together man you know the move boston and new york trials and tribulations, bro. It's just like he was there for me, man. Does he ever pee on the floor? Not really, no.

He will shit, though. He just can't stop shitting? Actually, no. He's good at potty training now, but when I first got him, man, it was just like nonstop. Yeah, because I also can't see you yelling, really. Yeah, I'm not a yeller, man. I just internally do. There's just like...

When was the last time you yelled? I don't even know, man. It would have to have been years. Yeah. Like truly fucking yelled, bro. What was the circumstance? I feel like just maybe the listeners would want to know. You're a pretty tame guy.

Dude, I can't even remember, bro. When was the last time you lashed out at someone? When was the last time someone was afraid of you? I want to remember, dude. I was just like, oh, afraid of me? When was the last time someone was legitimately afraid of you? Every day, dude. Well, that's when you step out.

That's when you step outside. Yeah. This whole neighborhood. I think people have always been very intimidated by me but it's the people who you're rocked up dude you're jacked I mean thanks bro you're putting up I'm thinking you're hitting 175

five times I feel bad like I couldn't think about it the time I lashed I feel like I let you down dude you asked me a good question I was just like dude I couldn't like think about a time I lashed. I feel like I let you down, dude. That's okay. Like right then and there, man. Like you asked me a good question. I was just like, dude, I can't even. I think it's great that you don't know. I think that would be pretty.

Yeah, if it was like a week ago. If you were like, oh, like, yeah, like my sister, I fucking, I screamed at her. The last time I can remember is high school, and that was when I stopped. I was like, I'm never going to get mad at someone someone again it's a really jarring feeling right when you feel truly lash out it's like okay this is either who i am or i've just seen angry people throughout my life yeah and i've been like i i don't want to be like this man my brother was a huge bully oh really yeah and he always he had no remorse with like kicking my ass and stuff like that so i remember my first like opportunities to be that be in that power position or be that guy and it's one of the more because like you just kind of when you're when you're an older brother you

just act like him your whole life at least growing up and i remember just like saying shit to my friends like on the basketball court like that like my brother would do or just kind of react to situations and just you know you see when you see fear when you see someone legitimately be afraid of you it's like it's one of the it's one of the worst feelings in the world and i think and it's really odd that some people like it's really odd that some people do get off on that it's kind of crazy is there something with that some people do get off on that. It's kind of crazy. Some people are fine with that.

Yeah, dude. It's weird because you and I are both big dudes. Yes. So we could be in the power position physically. Sure. But mentally, I don't think I would ever go there. I think maybe that's what it is. Maybe you already know.

We already know that we're a bigger guy. So we're just trying to maybe, like, fit in. I just know what I'm capable of, dude. Like, I know my superpowers. Yeah, dude, you're jacked. I just know, dude, because, like, the one time I lashed out was during a football practice. Yeah. And I literally, like, threw some dude to the ground, like, fucking stepped on his face.

Yeah. Like, leveled some dude. Yeah. And it was all because my coach was, like, talking shit about me. Yeah. And me yeah and he like took me off the starting team and he told me i was a pussy so i just like dude blood pressure went fucking off the roof man yeah and i was just literally murdering people on the field and i like blacked out dude yeah and uh everyone was happy for me afterwards but i didn't know i was like i can't like play football like that you know what i mean like i agree dude and it's really uh you get hurt bro

yes that is there's a guy uh a guy that happened to me in college a guy i stole the ball from a guy and he was he was a senior next play down he tries to drive on me with a real just real viciously and i think what you're talking did he tore his acl i was he like stepped on my foot knee went the wrong way and i think it was because he wanted to like just fucking dunk on me so bad because he was pissed yeah dude that is the scariest thing too because like you think about it afterwards and you're like dude what the fuck was i thinking like yes yeah you're acting out of anger yeah no it's a it's really hard it's really um it's really especially how about that like also do you know what's crazy is is like when you're drunk I've had like when you're drunk you feel like a fight is easier to happen you're a little more likely to

argue and that's what happens when you're drunk and you have those are you and that's why the next day you feel like such a piece of shit sometimes because I would never fight drunk dude I don't have the mindset where i'm like angry okay i would probably hug it out man okay you're a happy drunk yeah i'm a very happy drunk but uh does the type of uh alcohol matter like are you because like whiskey i can get angry beer i think i'm pretty chill it would depend i would get mad if someone touched me like if if someone pushed me or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I wouldn't say anything. I would just start throwing fucking haymakers.

So then you just start going. Dude, I would lose it. You don't say, do you want to go? No, there would be no words, dude. Yeah. That's the scary part. Yes. There's no...

If I had a big talker, dude, I might tell him to change my diaper. Say something like that. As you're whooping some dude's ass. You want to change my diaper. Say something like that. As you're whooping some dude's ass. You want to change my diaper? Just whap. Whap. Change my diaper, dude. Throw a right hook at the dude next to me.

Just completely this. Where did you go to college? I bounced around, man. Yeah, dude. Around the Northeast? Yeah, I went to URI and Johnson and Wales and stuff. Oh, cool. I was bouncing around.

They were like... Because I feel like those college frat bar fights are pretty easy to get into sometimes. Yeah, I was never at like... I would go to frat parties at URI and everyone was very soft. All the frat brothers were very soft. There was never an altercation. and every fight dude in college is always just two dudes saying

shit to each other like bumping chests and then nothing happens yes and you're like all right yeah it's uh if you see an actual fight though dude that's when you're like all right I'm probably never gonna do that you know well yeah dude because when you see the way some people some people like when you see dudes get like stunned like stilled like where you're just like yeah like their bodies just kind of freeze up you're like oh shit yeah you also like never know like what someone else knows around here too dude like new york i don't want someone to do like a fucking you know take me down to the ground and like make me gay or something you know i mean like cast a spell on me or something like that right because then because then you're

gay and that's who knows what happens after that some guy some guys some guy in a story i just fucking puts you in a headlock and then all of a sudden you and i like can't tell the story either dude because he told me i can't that's like part of the spell he's like dude if you tell anyone then do you feel like because you're stronger you like do you like do you like to be choked at all in bed do you like that reverse kind of a thing no I do like I said man I'm super emotional dude and if you like passionate a girl asked me to choke her out I'd be like I don't think I'm like the right guy for you you know yeah? Yeah. I'm a fucking pussy. That's the thing, dude, man.

Do you say I love you prematurely? No, no, no. Dude, it'd take me a very long time to say I love you. Very long time. You've got a code. Yeah, dude. I would have to like truly feel. I don't even know what love is, bro.

Okay. To be honest with you. That's okay. I would have to truly just like undeniably feel it, man. When love hits you, it's going to be a real whirlwind for you. Well, dude, the thing is, man, like, dude, if I was sucking on titties right now. Yeah. Just listening to like fucking ACDC.

Tom Petty, the best. Like, dude, I wouldn't be able to chase my dreams. Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because I'd be sucking on titties, dude. And titties are as good as almost anything on Earth. Yeah, dude.

People are always like, you know what, man? That guy quit on his dreams because he just didn't believe in himself. And it's like, no, dude, that guy quit on his dreams because his girl has double d's bro and they're an easy distraction you can say it's not a distraction dude but we've all been there man it's all you're thinking about dude just tits all the time and women are thinking about dicks too which is crazy i didn't you didn't think about that i think so i think i read that i think that's like a thing like like a time magazine well because well because people say that like girls are people say doesn't people don't people think about sex every like seven seconds that's that's guys and girls right was that a study that was done i think i mean dude i would believe it but i just feel like girls are so good at like playing it off you know just

being like i'm not yeah no girl's gonna be like yeah i'm thinking about cocks sure every seven seconds that's a fucking bold statement to make that's just a bad look i mean it's ultimately that's a bad look imagine a politician saying that just in the middle of it it's like we're gonna put up a wall yeah i gotta suck on it yeah i want to suck on it it's true it's crazy to think that like jfk was just fucking the whole time he couldn't stop that guy had the most stressed i don't know he was the most stressed out dude on the planet and he was cheating on his wife wow that's an all-timer um yeah dude fucking we got we got we got off track i saw your podcast dude yeah uh i was super judgmental right off the bat dude yeah i saw you and jeffrey asmus and i was like oh these are just like two wicked smart dudes who are shitting on stupid people no i'm

the i'm the stupid guy yeah my roommate was like dude you're a fucking idiot like that's not what it's about dude then he told me the whole concept yeah and i just like i fell in love dude i was like that's fucking sick oh cool it was crazy how i went from like hating you guys sure like wow that's a fucking good you know yeah if both of you guys were like wicked smart dude yeah just shitting on dumb people. I don't know, man. I'd probably shed a few tears, dude. You know what I mean? I think it's a, it is like a pretty classic, like odd couple thing that we do. No, dude.

It's fucking hilarious, man. It's fun, dude. Yeah. And no, yeah. I should say I have a podcast called You're an Idiot. It's cool. I do that blog real quick. No, dude.

You can't fucking do that. Was that gay as fuck? No, dude. hilarious man i just felt so good like it took me a while to like bring it up because i didn't know what to say because like initially i was like i was upset dude i was like these guys are wicked smart man and they were now yeah i literally that's the thing dude is like when you're around a guy like jeff who knows like every battle from like every war it's like he just makes you feel so dumb sometimes you feel like you've learned a lot from him i guess yeah i uh i think so i think uh i've learned some things that i think i've learned a lot of things that i like forgot in sixth grade you You know, like Jeff will just retell you that like Lincoln didn't really care about bringing

the slaves. And I was like, oh yeah, I think, well, I don't, I can't, I knew, I learned that at some point, you know, but like. You can't like formulate the words. Right. It's like, it's like he quizzed me on the elements recently. And, and I know that like at one point I can at one point I could name 40 or 50 elements or whatever. Like seventh grade, dude.

Yeah, but now I don't know why he held on to that. How did he hold on to it? Oh, yeah, like he retained all that information. Yeah, and I think that's the crux of the podcast. It's funny, dude, because it's like... I'm like, this is useless. Yeah, dude, it's because like there's probably so many people that watch it and they're like wow this guy's a fucking idiot but like you don't know

the i gotta know the answer to half the shitty ass you i was like dude i'm fucking on this guy's level like yeah i don't really i don't mind i think it's a i think sometimes it's like it's just i think i think comics sometimes are so interesting. Like some, so many comics, um, kind of like, like posture themselves as like, as like super like deep philosophical, like truth teller, like, like a finger on the pulse. And it's like, you're a fucking dumb fuck. Like so, so many comics are so so they're so quick to be like well did you hear about in the white house and it's like you don't have a job dude like you can't get it's like you're you're you're so like so many and and i think that like it's it's i guess it's

like odd every every comic can be like oh like i i suck bed, but they can't admit that they don't know the elements. It's like, whatever, dude. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, that's like a... I've had people come... I had a comic come up to me recently who was like... Well, actually, the comic DM'd me and was like, I could never admit the stuff that you admit

that you don't know on the podcast. That's so embarrassing. Wow. And that comic has 20 minutes on the podcast. That's so embarrassing. Wow. And that comic has, like, has 20 minutes on being a virgin still. Yeah. What a fucking hater, dude. And I'm like,

what are you trying to do? You can't admit that you don't know. I don't know. Comics thinking that they're smart is one of the... It's infuriating. You know what I'm saying know. It's like comics thinking that they're smart is one of the, it's so, it's like infuriating. You know what I'm saying? Dude, it's delusional, man. Yeah.

Dude, half the comments on my videos are like, dude, I cannot believe you admitted to, like, missing your ass when you wiped. It's like, dude, this is a comedy podcast. Like, it happened, bro the i'm telling the story dude like if you don't like it then don't watch bro yes yes yes yes yes and it's uh like and then they're like dude cap and it's like why would i lie about that dude why would i why would i lie about a story where i missed my ass wiping like what would what would I gain? Where did you hit? What did you get? I told a story about how, like, I was on the way to a finance internship when I was in college.

Okay. And I was, like, six beers deep. So I was, like, a little buzz dude. Yeah. And I was, like, about to shit my pants, dude. So I stopped at the bathroom on the way to the meeting. Yeah. And when I went to wipe, dude, I just completely missed.

Oh. And, dude, I, like, didn't wash my hands because i'm a dude and uh i walked into this meeting bro with like legit shit all over my hands and i started like typing this report and i just smelled it and i was like oh no i had to i had to dip man but i told that story and everyone was like cap cap cap and it's like bro why would I lie about that how did you did you get the job yeah bro it was just an internship it was just like a college internship

so you got the internship yeah bro they would give you like a $500 stipend and like that was it man it was kind of a joke well it wasn't actually a joke but it was

yeah that's outrageous that they couldn't smell because like it's usually pretty pungent, right? There was only, there was three girls in the lab. It was, like, a finance lab, and I walked in, and I sat at this computer desk, and then there was, like, a space between me, and then there was three girls. Yeah. And I smelt it within, like, 30 seconds.

Definitely. And I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Like, I got to get out of here. Yeah, dude. Smelling bad like 30 seconds. Definitely. And I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Like, I got to get out of here. Yeah, dude. Smelling bad is not cool. Yeah. Some guys think that like not putting deodorant on makes women like some kind of lizard brain. Like they like it.

Yeah. They don't, right? No, dude. I don't think so. I mean, dude, I smell like shit for like most of my life because I was fat. And like people don't know what that's like. Are you a former fat dude? Former fat dude, yeah. What's that like most of my life because I was fat and like people don't know what that's like. Are you a former fat dude?

Former fat dude, yeah. What's that life like? It's really sad, man. That's why I like eat healthy now because I like I know what it's like to have tits and shit, bro. But the worst was just like opening up your legs at like a fucking birthday party and just blacking out a little bit. You know what I mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?

Like, in the summer months, bro, if I was still fat, dude, I would be at, like, a fucking birthday party. Like, surrounded by, like, a bunch of hot, like, chicks I'm in love with and stuff like that. Oh, my God. I mean, dude, you take one sit, like, you take one, you know, fucking seat down on, like, a plastic chair, bro. Yeah. And just open up your, like, I have a man spread, dude. You just open up your legs a little bit, and the dick cheese bro just fucking hits you in the face oh like you had this kind of like this smell yeah like my gooch was like taking out

groups of people dude and you were not could we not showering or is it just fat was dude but it doesn't stop so being fat you smell worse yeah because you have all that fat and like there's like little crevices. Where the sweat builds. The dick cheese would build up right in my fupa, dude. Ooh, so you were pretty fat. Yeah, dude. Can I ask, when you had a real fat meal,

what was your meal when you were at your fattest and eating the most? What was the craziest thing you've eaten in one sitting? I mean, bro, if we're talking elementary school, man, my mom would pack me. Dude, we're talking second grade, dude. My mom would pack me legitimately two sandwiches, two full sandwiches. What kind?

Four pieces of American cheese and two pieces of ham. Oh, fuck. Two ham and cheesers? Dude. And then with that, I would get like these large Capri Suns. Not the small ones, like the jumbo size. I remember the big one. I remember the big one.

The big pouch. So you had two sandwiches, a Capri Sun, you're seven years old. And then like a bag of chips. And then sometimes, dude, if I had a few quarters on me, man, I would even like get in the lunch line dude and like grab something else like a bosco stick dude let's put it this way bro i had so much to eat it was tough for me to finish by the time lunch ended and that was you every day just packing on calories every day bro like you were like you

on like a weight plan and then dude i would go I would go home and like, fuck, man. My big thing when I got home, dude, was I would have everything bagels. Dude, I would put like half a fucking tub of cream cheese on it, dude. Oh, fuck. Yes, fuck you. Would you toast a bagel? Yeah. I would toast it, dude. You have to.

I would wait for it to cool down, bro. And when you time it right, when it's holdable. Yeah, it's not going to melt. And it's still hot. Yeah. That'll do that. That's really, really good. That'll rock your world, bro.

And that's why you're watching Hey Arnold and shit. Or whatever you were watching. I mean, I was pretty active. You're watching PTI. I was the type of dude who would do like a fucking, I would always be out like doing oh totally dude you can't outwork a bad diet bro you know what i mean we found that out early yeah did you uh what did then were you fat in high school too uh part of high school yeah why did you give me a second grade meal then i feel that was when i started that was when the journey started so that continued all through i know like i know some the i i lived with one guy who could like we would get dominoes and like when

we'd get high he would just get a large for himself oh yeah pound it 100 is that is that was that your former life yeah i mean i'll do that now dude that's easy money dude a large pizza bro what am i a pussy i'm talking about eating about eating until you literally are about to throw up, dude. Like, dude, I would get high in high school. Okay, this is what I want to hear. Dude, I got high once in high school, and I ate so much food that I threw up when I got home. I just had no sense of what was... I just had no sense of like what was like.

You just, you didn't know what you were capable of. What were you eating? What did you eat? Dude, I went to McDonald's, ordered like two McGang Bangs, three orders of fries. Yeah. And I ate that and then I drove home. My mom, my mom was sleeping and she bought like cinnamon rolls and that's when i throw up i had like two cinnamon rolls bro and i just sprinted to the bathroom and fucking uked i think it's the i think it's the sugar dude my uh my

brother my brother my buddy had a birthday party a couple years back his girlfriend made like like 40 cupcakes for everyone yeah and there was only like maybe 10 of us and i got and i got high i must have had like i think i had like six or seven cupcakes dude and that was on top of all the food yeah cupcakes i yacked yeah dude i think it's the the stuff that it's like processed dude so it's like it doesn't make you full you know what i mean oh like dude because i like chinese food no dude like doritos like i could yeah dude i could eat five bags of doritos right now there's a guy it's in a kitchen it's like it's like that's fully bro if i had two fucking chicken wings from a Chinese restaurant, I'd be full right away. But, dude, if you put five bags of Doritos in front of me, dude, I swear to God.

What's your Dorito flavor? Probably the Cool Ranch, dude. I think I'm a nacho guy. Oh, really? Is that crazy? With the red ones? Yeah. I can go back and forth, man.

You just need a Gatorade to wash it down, man. Red is really good to me. Really? And I think I've got, I think I had too much Cool Ranch. I had too much blue in like high school. I don't really have it as much anymore. Now that I think about it, dude,

like I don't know which one I would choose, man. They're both awesome. It would depend on the drink though, dude, because my thing is like, I'll shove as many in my mouth as I can. Oh, wow. I'll chew a little bit and then I'll wash it down

with like some toxic fluid dude and that's like that's all i live for dude that's your life what i was living for god damn dude the plight of the fat man every fat dude has a story though bro you know has it has an that's your origin story yeah but there were so many peaks and valleys dude like there were so many try like intermittent fasting did you ever try great what's that like to get what's that like losing like do you do you remember a time when you drastically lost like 30 40 even 50 pounds or 20 or 30 my buddy uh his dad was like a division one uh football coach oh cool and we were playing like backyard football and stuff and like we were on sports teams together and he was just like yeah man like you should definitely try out for football he was like but you have to make like

the weight limit yeah at the time the weight limit was like 160 yeah i was 185 yeah so i had to get down to 160 dude and uh i would just go running at night man which was really tough for me yeah with like a trash bag which isn't healthy for you, dude. Yeah. And it's just all sweat. It's a waterway. I got to the point man where I was like one 64 or something. And I was really like getting close to that Mark where I like really had to push it, dude. And I just remember like being like a mile away from my house with like a trash bag on. And I felt like my fucking like liver start to like shake a little bit. And I was like, this isn't, this can't be good for you, dude. And I was that was when i realized like oh dude like this is like a diet

thing man like you really can't be eating it's all about what you eat it sucks dude being a little bit fat uh i i came into college uh overweight because i played on the perimeter and uh because you dude you played division one basketball yeah which. Which is insane, bro. Yeah. And it was just like, but it was weird to be like a small forward guard at my height and be like a fat dude, you know what I'm saying? Like be like, or be like, be like, you know, my, my body fat percentage was too high. Every guy that I played with that played, that was a guard was like rocked up and thin and like just had could could eat whatever they wanted and i and i was so what uh what uh where'd you go to high school uh i was in uh chicago suburbs of chicago you got how many d1 offers did you get um probably 12 or 13. Holy shit, dude.

So you were like a three? Yeah, I was a three, two, three, yeah. Damn, dude. So you were fucking balling out then. Yeah, I was. Give me your high school average stats. I was All-State twice. So I was second team All-State my junior year,

first team All-State my senior year. I think I averaged like 20-something at both. Probably 22, 23 each year both my junior seniors 20 my junior 22 triple double type stuff uh maybe like 27 and five or something like that 27 and three but like yeah like yeah i was like a it was good and then college had a couple years i was okay but it's really that's it's just a hard it's a hard level, man. Once you get to that level and you're playing on teams that are trying to make the tournament

and that are in the Big East and the Aces, you're in some good leagues. Yeah, it's crazy, man. You're just very, it's a quick jump. You're like, oh, fuck. Yeah, because people don't understand, dude, like what, dude, even just college sports in general, man. Like I've seen D3 talent and i was just like i'm not even moderately close to this yeah yeah and i've seen d1 talent and i'm just like this is not yeah this isn't even like funny no dude it's it it's it that's like a super when

you're younger it's like a superpower like when you're like when I was like 21 and I would go to the park, you do feel like LeBron. You're like, now I can barely move. So were you like at that age, were you like a smart player? Did you kind of like in high school, if you saw like a defense, were you kind of like, all right, this is what I'm going to do? Or did you just like mentally were just like I'm like stronger than everyone, like I'm better than everyone? Yeah, I was pretty – I had good i had good i had really good handles

i worked on my skill like skills a lot i couldn't see the next play ahead very well i don't think i thought the game particularly well but like the immediate reads like i could do a pick and roll okay i um i couldn't see secondary reads like I couldn't see the shooters on the other side very well. So I wasn't that cerebral of a passer. But I had, for my size, I could handle it and I could shoot it. And I could pass it decently well. But, yeah, I was just like, yeah, I think for high school, being this height and having guard skills

immediately makes you uh you should you should be a division one player like yeah it's like it's like if the point guard from like your high school team was six six and could but was also i don't know yeah i just yeah i could really i could It was, but like, but that was the problem is at that, at the next level in college, you have to make, you have to be, to stay on the floor the whole game, you have to be a great defender. And I was not a great defender. Oh really? I was like a classic.

Every, every white three that's ever existed has never been able to play defense for some reason. You know what I'm saying? So you guys like crossed up and shit. Oh yeah. Yeah. white three that's ever existed has never been able to play defense for some reason you know like crossed up and shit oh yeah yeah like i just i have distinct recollections of like getting isos called on me in like big games you know i'm saying there's a there's a time where like i got switched on to this we were playing louisville and they had this dude, uh, they, this dude, Peyton Siva. And he got, I got switched on him and I could just see Rick Patino like over, uh, Peyton Siva's shoulder just going, get out, like clear it, clear it out. Just like calling it ISO for me. And I'm like, that's kind of

disrespectful, Rick, dude. Like, like just, you could just just you could just call an iso like like this you know just call an iso dude don't like don't fucking don't like fucking scream it you know just during the tournament it's just like a regular bees tournament this is this is in the garden dude this is a big game dude yeah dude i'm getting fucking isos called on me like just let me fucking that's tough how about just how about just, let's just play. Yeah. Can we just play a little? I can't imagine that. No, dude, it was intense. It was fucking wild. But the further.

Yeah, I've been to like just seeing how fast everything is on the floor. Like a Division I game, I'm like, dude, what the fuck, man? Yeah, that was the problem, dude, is that like a lot of times in those leagues, like the three man is often like a 6-2 guard sometimes too. That was the problem, dude, is that, like, a lot of times in those leagues, like, the three man is often, like, a 6'2 guard sometimes, too. So I'll guard guys that are shorter than me, way faster. And, yeah, dude, a lot of these guys, it's just they're so fast, athletic. It's a crazy different speed. Did you play anyone uh against anyone

that's in the nba right now yeah yeah i mean there's guys like i mean now they're a little older but it was like at the time uh you know jeremy lamb andre drummond kemba shabazz those are all the yukon dudes yeah jabari Parker, Rodney Hood, Malcolm Brogdon. Malcolm Brogdon gave me a concussion. Really? Yeah. He's kind of jacked, dude. He's yoked.

Yeah. He gave me a concussion, dude, when we were playing Virginia. Joe Harris was on Virginia. A bunch of, you know, Miami had like three or four NBA players. But, yeah, I don't think I played against a guy that was like... I don't remember playing against a guy that became an all-star. I think maybe... Kemba was kind of an all-star.

Yeah, Kemba was. But I mean, Terry Rozier picked me up full-court, dude. That was fucking terrifying when he was on Louisville. There's always, yeah, there's, I remember, like, a couple guys that had a, who was in the league for a second? Like, Lehman, Jake Lehman was on Maryland and stuff like that. I mean, just, like, you just play against, there's just, there's a lot of guys that played in the NBA for, like, a year or two. Yeah, just to even say that you did that man it's fucking wild bro yeah i can't even imagine just being like yeah i'm a fucking d1 athlete bro dude did you even have time to like talk to chicks

yeah hell yeah dude man it's a you know they're like they're there you're there around you know it's uh it is kind of like what people i think what people say do you get upset when people ask you about like basketball or no um i think i used to yeah because i think my best year i averaged seven points a game and then my second best year i averaged like four or five points a game oh really so i was only like a role player you know i never really scored big. I think for years after college, I was so upset I could never be like a double-digit scorer in those leagues. I feel like everyone I talk to who's played Division I sports just hates talking about it, dude.

Well, it's just that it's just something where your dreams are right there. It's just something where your dreams are right there. Being a role player on a tournament team is an amazing feeling. But you just feel like in those moments you feel like you're inches away. When in reality you're not, but you feel like you're inches away from being an all-conference player. And that's the problem is that I think a lot of former athletes are like, I think we all think of what are the tiny little things I could have done to change. You think if you could have gone back, you could have done more? I don't think so.

That's the thing. like you think if you could have gone back you could have like i don't know i don't think so that's the thing is like and no and i think i think if you ask i think in reality a lot of athletes it's like those gaps are a lot bigger than we think yeah so now the further i'm from it being like whatever seven a game as in my best year i'm like that's actually pretty good you know i'm saying it's like to to have like solid you have being in the game that's pretty like you know yeah to have some stats where i'm like oh i had like 10 this game or 15 this game i did some random games like where i went off or whatever went off but like where i played well and stuff special olympics dude yeah yeah yeah dude when i represented america in seoul uh but like yeah like i think in those moments you're like, oh yeah, that's kind of crazy.

Because now when I watch, I'll watch some college games and it'll be like, you know, and you're just like, oh, I played against that team. And you're just like, that's crazy. I remember it. The further you get, the way more appreciative you are. We haven't been funny for about 20 minutes and I'm sorry.

But yeah, we got sentimental, dude. you're talking about division one basketball dude yes fucking you just talked about the tournament bro that's some fucking diesel shit i went oh i went i went oh for four from three against xavier in the tournament believe it yeah i mean you two can achieve greatness you're talking about something that fucking 1% of the population has experienced. Just to brick threes in a first-round tournament game? Dude, even if you were in the tournament and you started jerking off at half court. Even if you just went to a game, even if you were watching a game. Even if you were a cheerleader, dude, a dude cheerleader, I'd be like, dude, you're a fucking legend, bro.

Just to be in that environment bro it is funnier in a way to look back and be like to play to play like some just to be out there to play bad in a tournament game is funnier than playing good yeah if i was in that situation dude like now that i know what life really is bro i mean if you know you're not gonna make it why not just like do something fucking funny If I was in that situation, dude, like, now that I know what life really is, bro, I mean, if you know you're not going to make it, why not just, like, do something fucking funny? I thought about that once when we were playing a team on ES. We were playing Duke, and I just remember, like, we were down. We were down, like, they were beating us by 20 at this point. This was at BC, and I was just, like, it was last year.

I was last year, and I was, like, what if I just fucking punched one of these guys? I remember thinking that, dude, being like, dude, if I just punched one of these guys, like, that'd be fucking kind of crazy. Dude, if you brought the ball up during, like, the tournament and just, like, pulled your pants down and just launched it from half court, that would be so fucking funny. that would be so fucking funny I mean I think I wouldn't be I mean I would never be forgotten dude they would make a fucking statue for you man

well there would be there would be a YouTube clip with like 7 million views yeah you'd get so much money just from like the TikTok dude you know like if it was your senior year dude in spandex though you have shrinkage in spandex i mean are they white or like in spandex my spandex just wear like black uh compression shorts oh i thought i thought you're talking

about just like i thought you're talking about having everything come down i mean dude that would be illegal i thought you were were like, show the meat. Oh, no. I just meant like, just pull your pants down and like, put up a full court shot. Like, as you're breaking the ball. Fucking, what's that dude's name? Fucking Dick. The fucking dude who's like 90.

He's like a huge Duke fan. Oh, Dick Vitale. Dick Vitale. He's like, we're in for a good one, folks. Dude, he, yeah, he called some of the games, dude. Yeah, that guy's a legend, dude. He's like 100, and he's still going at it, bro. It's cool to have...

Yeah, it's cool. He's a legit... Those are huge moments. I remember we were playing Syracuse and Jerry McNamara was on the sideline. Yeah. Every time we played Syracuse, I wanted to go up to him and be like,

dude, you're my fucking hero. You're the coolest motherfucker to ever live. I remember back in the day watching JJ Redick, dude. Yeah. Tyler Hansbro and shit, dude. And fucking Greg Paulus was on Syracuse. I think that was his name, dude.

And I think he was... I don't know if he was one of theuse. I think that was his name, dude. And I think he was, I don't know if he was one of the dudes. He was fucking nasty, dude, but he like ended up quitting basketball to play football. Well, no, no.

Paulus was on Duke for four years and then his fifth year he had an extra year. He played football, so he played quarterback at Syracuse. That's what happened.

Oh, really? Yeah. And then they put up a fucking like his first game and he just like threw a fucking fade to the wrong side of the field.

He was fucking trash, dude. I don't know how guys do that. Dude, like, Julius Peppers played for North Carolina. Really? Do you know that? Do you remember Julius Peppers?

He was like a D-end in the NFL for a while. Yeah, he was fucking huge. Dude, he played on North Carolina's basketball team. Yeah. Can you imagine practice against Julius?

Doing a rebounding drill with Julius Peppers? Yeah. I can't even imagine playing against, like, Draymond Green, dude, at Michigan State, dude. Yeah, he's a dog. Yeah. He's an absolute dog. Just throwing elbows at your nuts, dude. Yeah, the way NBA dudes, like, will kick, like, the way they kick and the whole nuts

stuff is fucked up. Yeah, bro. It's crazy, man. I can't even imagine playing against a dude who played fucking NFL football in high school or college playing them at basketball, dude. Yeah. I'd just be like, I'm good, man. Football dudes would come to over the summer. They'd play pickup before us.

Sometimes they just would do conditioning and just play pickup. pickup like before us sometimes they just would like do conditioning and just like play pickup it's weird to see football dudes on a basketball court especially like like i saw them like when i was at notre dame and you're just like you know they just look weird they look weird out there the kid there was a kid ever at golsan on notre dame and he was fucking good at basketball really he was really good and i was like damn he could play like he could but a lot of the skill positions like a couple like uh the quarterback like uh everyone's good but like the lineman had no idea what they were no idea what they were doing really yeah but they're so big dude they don't even know they can't move like yeah dude lineman are like the best what position were you in football oh i, dude. Linemen are like the best. What position were you?

In football? Oh, I played line, dude. Linemen are like the best people in the world, man. You know? They have the best hearts, bro. Just the best moral code? The best personalities, man. You know?

I remember this one dude. I was pretty upset with my sister at the time in high school, man. I was getting bullied a lot. You were getting bullied? Yeah, emotionally, dude. I would get bullied all the time. Was it the fat stuff? No, in high school, no. I was fucking huge in lot, you know. You were getting bullied? Yeah, emotionally, dude. I would get bullied all the time, dude. Was it the fat stuff? No, in high school, no. I was fucking huge in high school, dude.

Not huge, but, like, you know. I was putting up weights, bro. Damn. Like, scoliosis for time, bro. Scoliosis for time? Yeah, bro. I was, like, in the weight room just, like, lifting my tits off. What were you getting bullied for?

My sister dated a chick um and we went to the same high school so people would make like lesbian jokes to me and i was like upset about it and like this dude i was on the line with i played left tackle and he played left guard and he was just like bro like that's your sister dude you know like you have to love her like there's no other option oh my god i was like damn bro like when you put it like that man like he would get really into it man you know we just like understood each other bro dude there was one game where like uh we were we won a state championship together yeah uh my junior year that's he was a senior but we came up together yeah he was just like this funny black dude and we played next to each other and there was this game dude this d uh this d tackle he was like talking shit to us and stuff yeah and uh in the middle of the game

dude they called a play and we were like all right we're just gonna fuck this dude up like in the like during the play because like the refs at like on junior varsity they're just fucking like they work a day job at like auto zone yeah i have no fucking idea what jv at like on junior varsity they're just fucking like they work a day job at like auto zone yeah i have no fucking idea what jv games like on sundays uh some of them were on saturdays but this was like a night game uh for some reason because i think it was on like a thursday night dude and like no one's even at the game it's like a jv yeah high school fucking parents yeah and uh so we like call this player like all right we're gonna fuck this dude up so they call the play dude uh i picked this dude up by the legs yeah and he goes over the top like my buddy just

goes over the top and just levels him dude oh we just held him down for like two minutes bro and that's why live in rock and he got so. Yeah. But the reason we did it, bro, because every play, he kept grabbing our face mask and wiggling it around, which is a huge fucking no-no. Oh. He's like, dude, you can't fucking do that. Can you grab dudes by the balls in football? Yeah, but like you said, man, the shrinkage is on another level, dude. So they're hard to find. Bro, if you could get a good grip on someone's dick then they've got a

fucking hammer yeah that's on them yeah listen i'm grabbing your dick but like you would grab it and then you'd be like all right you know i respect you you'd be like i'm yeah i'm so sorry dude yeah do you have a huge that's a whole nother level of shrinkage dude yeah the fucking compression shorts and then you got the pads that kind of shrinkage is like uh it's it's embarrassing too i actually kind of get like a decent chub with compression shorts on nowadays yeah if i'm going to like the gym or something dude i think it's just because it like literally like compresses your shit oh okay like it makes it look bigger yeah i i was very uh when i was in college we

shot we showered naked and oh wow open showers open shower wow dude and that was i was really um just there was one guy in our team with a with a very small penis and i was like With a very small penis. Wow, dude. And I was like, I was just glad that it's a lottery you win. Just to have a respectable meet, it's one of the luckier things you can have in life. You take your pants off around black dudes and you don't get made fun of. That's like all you could really want for your son. Dude, I can't even imagine how proud I would be.

Right? I should have called my dad first thing when I got to college and was like, yeah, I have a decent meet. Yeah. Not even say that. Just be like, I made it. So you're going to start? I was like, well, no, but.

Dude, imagine jerking it before you got in the i was like well no but dude imagine jerk like jerking it before you got in the shower though dude just being fully hard i think that would really wait jerking it before like oh like getting erect before the shower well do you know i actually i remember uh i date i dated someone my first couple years in college and i remember sometimes we like hook up during the day like during the school day or like a few hours before practice having like a uh a post nut dick for the showers where you got a little extra growth to you yeah those were good i remember i remember being like looking down being like oh fuck yeah dude like like i'm gonna yeah i have a i've never felt that way, man.

I've always, like. One day, bro. I just feel like, you know, I would have to prep it a little bit, you know. Fluff. I wouldn't be able to walk in there organically and be proud of what I'm hanging, you know. I thought, I was worried. There's a couple guys, dude dude where you're just like what the fuck dude yeah bro because you can fluff it up dude and look like you're hanging a fucking

wizard sleeve dude but like if you're not prepped bro if you're not yeah white guy white guy dicks can take a lot of shapes and sizes there have been moments at the gym dude where like i'm wearing just like regular boxers and like thin shorts and i'll be doing like leg raises and i'm like dude if anyone looks between your legs yeah dude like it almost looks like i have like a vagina dude yeah it's sad they caught that kid there's a dude on this on the kings kevin herder oh wow he was doing a uh he's the redhead on the kings and he was doing a post game interview or maybe his uh friend or no not an and he was doing a post-game interview. Or maybe his friend. Or no, not an interview.

He was getting clowned on Snapchat by one of his teammates. His teammates were just like, they were fucking around, and he was just in his spandex. They were asking him some bullshit questions, just messing with him. And he was in his spandex, and he just got obliterated on Twitter because of his shrinkage. Wow. I don't think people were like, oh, yo,

it was like da-da-da, but it's like, I'm sure he's all right down there. He just got caught by. Yeah, it's like, dude, you can't expect a dude to be like chubbed up after a game. You know,

like you've just exhausted everything and it's like, some things you just can't fucking, you know, the timing has to be right, it's like, you know. Some things you just can't fucking, you know. The timing has to be right, dude. Yeah, and he got clowned on Twitter for like days, dude, for having a small meat. I bet his meat, I think his meat is probably fine. Yeah.

He just, bad day, it's just bad day for the camera. Dude, it's just a proud moment to have like a normal dick, bro. You know, like just having a dick that looks like a dick, bro. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yes. Because I've seen some fucking pieces where I'm like,

dude, who are, like, who are you, dude? My boy in college was, wasn't circumcised. Oh, dude. And he had a hammer on him.

He had, like, not like this, but it was something. It was something like, it was kind of like, you see, it was kind of close to this flaccid, dude. White dude. Imagine if it was like this, dude. kind of like, you see, it was kind of close to this flaccid, dude.

White dude. Imagine if it was like this, dude. I know. But, dude, I, but he wasn't circumcised. And I was like, I think I'd rather have my meat clipped than his meat unclipped. Yeah, you'd rather have like a nice looking piece, bro. You know, even if it's just average, dude, as long as it's like presentable, dude, you know. You got to wash it.

You got to wash the hood. Yeah, it's uncomfortable to talk about, man. You know, even if it's just average, dude, as long as it's like presentable, dude, you know. You got to wash it. You got to wash the hood. It's uncomfortable to talk about, man. You know, I feel bad for my boy. I've made fun of kids with like uncircumcised dicks before. Yeah. And it's not cool, man. Listen, people, it's not fucking cool to do that. Yeah.

They don't take it like great. Yeah. They get very very you know i did not make fun of this dude because he his meat was huge and he was a great player and he's a senior and that would be funny though if you made fun of him though i was like dude what's what the fuck is your deal the thing was dude you're in the open showers what the fuck was that there was one dude man eric contenda i got no problem saying his name he had his dick flaccid could fill this could he it could be this could be like a condom wow for him it was like it was like so jarringly big that I was like, he just can't.

Having sex with him is not fun. It's illegal, dude. His life is hard. That's illegal, bro. It weighs him down. Yeah, he's got to be banging some airbags, dude. Airbags? Yeah, like worn out vajayjays.

That's what those are? Yeah, that's what I call them. Because when they make a sound. I heard it's a myth, though. You can't wear out a vagina. Oh, really? It's like a muscle, dude. Can they get stronger?

You know, there was always that girl in high school who just got plowed nonstop. And you'd be like, dude, that chick's... Oh, airbags. Yeah. Oh, okay. But that's a myth, dude. Oh, okay.

I didn't know that. That's what I've been told told bro oh so they so they can get rejuvenated dude if i had a hammer on me though man and i was if i had to participate in open showers dude i would be fucking i'd be running in there just sliding in on both my knees, dude. But the problem, yeah, especially, dude, especially, dude, like, it's immediate respect from black dudes. Yeah, yeah.

You know? And that's all you want, man. Ultimately, if you can, if you could ball, you got respect. Yeah. But if you could ball and good meat on you,

that's like, that's all the time. Dude, that's fucking synergy right there, man's that's how you that's how you make it in this world i can't even imagine dude if someone told like if another dude was like bro you got a nice piece on you yeah i can't even there's nothing more respectful you can say to another man right yeah i mean it's it's a real like it's a great especially do it when, when, like, when you're in college and, like, your dick is all you really have. Yeah, there's just so much on the line, man.

So much is on the line. Because you're waiting for that moment, dude, where a chick's just going to, like, whip it out and you want to be ready for her to be, like. Yeah. You take care of yourself, you know. You take care of yourself. Like, dude, I can't even imagine, man. you know you take care of yourself like dude i can't even imagine man i'm lucky like i've never had a chick who's like pulled my pants down in general you know oh are you are you a virgin no i've just like never had a chick who's like pulled my pants down oh okay i'm always the one

who's like you know okay yeah yeah i'm like all right i guess i'll just do it yes you know yeah but when i do whip it out like i've never had a woman who's like, what the fuck is that? You know? It's always been pretty, like, you know? Yeah. They're like, oh, that's a dick, you know? It's really nice, even just to go, even if you can tell, like, they've said the line before. Like, oh, it's so, you're like, that never that sounds like you said it before but it's nice

to hear yeah it's just like positive encouragement dude dude what i want to do though is like next time i hook up with a chick if i ever do bro i want to like prep it where like i'm about to take my pants off and i make have you ever made a vagina with your dick no oh dude do it if you take a shower tonight dude yeah when you get out you get out, bro. Okay. Just take your dick, bro. Put it between your legs like with your nuts. I think my friends used to do this. Towards your ass, bro. Yeah.

You can make like a legit vagina. Okay. Like, I'm not even kidding, dude. I did it once and I looked in the mirror and it looked like a legit pussy. Okay. But I want to do that next time I hook up with a chick, man. Just like pull my pants down and just have like my pussy. What do you think she's going to say? probably gonna be freaked out but like i'm gonna

laugh oh okay yeah okay yeah i think that would be like pretty funny man like they have the naked man where like you're just laying naked what if she thinks that that's so funny that that's why she falls in love with you she's like when he did the pussy oh yeah it would be funnier to like walk into a room you're like i'll be right back i'm gonna like you know it would be funnier to like walk into a room. You're like, I'll be right back. I'm going to like, you know. It would be kind of weird if your girlfriend thought the same things were funny as you did. Yeah. Like you did the pussy thing and she was like, thought that was like the fun. Like she like died laughing. Yeah, that would be concerning for sure.

Right. Because you're doing it just for her to be like disturbed, not for her to like laugh. Right. Yeah. Like if you. If I was on like a pair of rollerblades like going down the road just completely naked with a pussy yeah like for her to be like that's my guy i'd be like i don't know or if you can like fart for like a really long time and like your buddy

thinks it's really funny or whatever yeah like how because like how long that fart is sometimes like a long fart's a very funny thing your girl if your girlfriend was like like bolt like like was a whole huddled over laughing yeah that'd be really bad right yeah it would make it less funny like you wouldn't want to do it i wouldn't want to see her like upset it. We say that as people say, I just want a girl to have a sense of humor like me, and it's not quite. You don't really want her to think exactly like you. No, dude, that would be exhausting.

She was calling shit gay all the time? Yeah, dude. That would be so depressing man she's funnier than you yeah you'd be jealous yeah i'm like fuck yeah damn that was good all right dude well thank you for coming bro thanks for having me man yeah man it was nice to meet you bro and uh like i said man your podcast is like legit hilarious oh thanks man i don't say that a lot bro no thank you yeah you've you're uh before this i looked at a bunch of your clips and you're hilarious too man this has been really awesome yeah well uh you already shouted out

your pod but if you just want to shout it out one more time you're an idiot podcast uh anywhere you get podcasts and i'm at alex drags on instagram all right brother thank you for coming man thanks for having me dude thank you