The Johnny Salami Podcast - Alex Tomaselli

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Alex Tomaselli by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Hahahaha Oh, bro, I'm hurting. I'm not too good with references, dude. So when people make deep references, I'm like, fuck, dude. It's going to take me a while to wrap my head around it unless i know it for sure you don't consume like the movies uh like like the classics yeah but you know bitches are like yo like if you can you know if you can reenact

the fucking office like oh yeah i'll give you a lumpkin it's like i don't you know what i mean absolutely dude every girl when i used to be on dating apps that i would actually avoid those girls who were like if you can quote the office we'll get along just good i'm like dude so i would also quote the the parts where michael scott was just being racist yeah and they would they wouldn't get it fuck yeah dude that's how you do it man yeah yeah no dude have you uh i've been on the dating apps recently man it's a fucking nightmare dude i can't imagine, I would go like three days at a time and then I would delete it. I'd be like, nah, dude, just be a real man. Like meet someone like naturally. And I just keep hopping on, dude. Just like, I think it's false hope. You know what I mean?

I think that's how everyone meets nowadays though. For real. Like online. Yeah. I, I, if you ask people at shows shows that's usually what they say and i met well not my current lady but i met a past girl a bunch of past lady friends like strictly through that so fuck yeah dude i don't know yeah i met my ex on hinge and it was uh it was like a one-day stint i downloaded hinge like we matched and then i was like hey like you can text me or not and uh i deleted it the next day and it was the worst decision of my life dude yeah dating app relationships uh i i i don't know if uh from my experience it like it seemed fine

but then in the aftermath it was bad so i'm like you you know, I'm a deterrent now where I'm like, don't date anyone. Meet him in real life. Because I met my current lady in real life. Really? How'd you guys meet? If it ended bad, you don't have to talk about it. Oh, no. Which one?

Like the current one you mean? Oh, so you currently have a girlfriend? I have a girlfriend. Oh, hell yeah, dude. And you guys met in real life? In real life. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Tell me how it happened.

Well, she... So this is also a red flag in itself, but she came to a comedy open mic that I was performing at, and she just DM'd me after and was like, you're one of those guys? Yeah. What? I said, you're one of those guys? Yeah.

I didn't, I actually, if you ask her, she said I called her mildly attractive from the thing, so I wasn't being like, hey, you, I was like that mildly attractive woman over there. I don't know why she's here. Like, see, I'm not one of those guys. I was like, you should leave, that mildly attractive woman over there i don't know why she's here like a freaking see i'm not one of those guys i was like you should leave and then she dm'd me later oh hell yeah dude dude so you met her like doing what you're most passionate about yeah and it was bad it was like bad new stuff too yeah so it also should dude that's that's hot man they should make a porno out of that that should be like a genre

of porn it's like you're really funny when i come back to my place and the guy's like uh have you ever seen um like all the episodes of the 1994 mr show like because he's out like the beginning of the porno just you bombing at the mic and then that transitions into like making love dude uh bombing that is uh yeah there's no such thing as bombing at a mic, but... I mean, that is pretty, like, romantic, if you think about it, dude, because, like, nobody really understands where an open mic is, so... I'm sure you can see you do that. But, dude, there's, like, a new phase going on now. It's, like, dudes with a...

They'll, like, meet a girl, and then they'll bring them to a mic, and they'll be like, Oh, like, my girlfriend's here for the show, and it's like, this isn't a show, dude. Like, this is hell. We had that in Connecticut a while. We had one kid do it specifically, and I'm going to leave his name out because he's moved on from doing that. But we would wait every few days, and he'd bring a new, like, Tinder date, and we would be like,

you brought another one, and just make fun of her. He stopped bringing it up, but it was literally because of that, because he was trying to show off that he's funny. And then, you know. Yeah. Casually how it goes, man. It never ends well. I actually saw it end well a few nights ago, dude. One dude was, he wasn't like an open, he was like a good comic.

Yeah. He was like from Seattle. And he was like, yeah, my girlfriend's here. We're here from Seattle. And I was like, oh, this dude's going to bomb. He just murdered. Hell yeah. I was like, dude, this guy fucks, man.

Like the amount of balls that takes yeah did he to an open mic yeah and his jokes were like super offensive too oh yeah i like this guy he was talking about chinese dudes and stuff like super offensive accents yeah yeah the whole nine yards man he was crushing it too did he duct did he tape his eyes back dude he was uh he was uh indian native american all right i was picturing you or me bro i did not see that you would you could have listed four other races before you said no dude this guy looked like fucking squanto dude so it was like it was super confusing man, he was Native American or Indian? This dude looked like a Wampanoag Indian.

Okay, so he was Native American. I don't care, but now I'm five races. Technically, I'm being racist right now. I don't care. Fuck, dude, you can't say that anymore, right? You can't say Indians? People try to say... They still have the baseball team, right they sort of is it still the reds i don't know man you know what it is i lived with a indian

roommate who's he's from his family's from india so what i would say it did he'd be like you mean like native american indian and i'd be like oh yeah because shit i'm gonna fucking it like you he inadvertently makes you feel like an idiot he wasn't even being like you sit you mean indian he was like dude you mean like native american right i'm like no i mean it oh yeah because you're it you're re oh that's what and it you know yeah i mean i'm borderline retarded dude but i would say indians less offensive than native americans i would think that as well yeah yeah but you know i think i think what it is dude is dudes like us when we were in like the 1800s being like yeah they just look like fucking indians from india yo man we're

gonna call them indians they have like their own specific tribes and stuff that they're like super passionate about, and we just overgeneralize everything. Dude, I'm actually in my backpack right now. I got a book on the Comanches. They're fucking wild, bro. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. They don't fuck around.

Yeah, I'm from Rhode Island, man, and half of the streets are just named out of Indian tribes. Oh. Yeah, like Iroquois, dude, Seneca, that shit, man. The Pawnees, they're in that as well. I mean, she's fucked them all up, though. I wonder who the authors are for these books, though. Oh, it's a white guy.

He gives the white guy his hell, though. Some dude getting his ass eaten in a fucking log cabin right now? Yeah, he might be. I hope so, dude. This book sold millions. He has a wife, though. If he's a real artist, he's definitely doing that, though. Hell yeah, dude. With probably... If he's an artist, he if he's a real artist he's definitely doing that though yeah with probably if he's an artist so it's probably with a dude oh well good for me

dude authors do crazy shit like that man they'll let authors will be like do crazy shit like that authors will really though dude they'll be like i was researching a drug addict so i did meth for a few weeks and you're like you didn't have to you didn't have to do that yeah you might have destroyed a part of your life you have less life to live now yeah dude they're fucking tapped bro that's another red flag on those dating apps if any of them are like you know what's your favorite book i'm like fuck now dude what would you you don't read yeah dude i don't know how to read you see these pictures what's this say it just looks cool man i know it's jordan yeah i i read so i would i would use that definitely as a thing to be like, yeah, what do you read?

What do you read, bitch? If she sends me some shit I don't like, that's it. I'm like, oh, you think reading school you fucking put? You think being intelligent is attractive? Yeah. Fuck that, dude. Yeah, no. I actually go for movies.

I ask chicks what movies they like. Oh, hell yeah, dude. And then I can gauge what they like off that, I think. Yeah. I'm autistic when it comes to movies. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude.

I just, like, I don't know, man. I feel like I'm out of place all the time because, like, I want to be that guy, you know, when someone, like, fucking rips a liner from fucking, like, a good movie. And you're like, oh, shit. And you bounce it back, you know, like an fucking rips a liner from fucking like a good movie and you're like oh shit and you bounce it back you know like an even better line yeah and then everyone starts fucking fucking each other yeah i'm just a guy who literally just says nothing though i can do that i just yeah if you can do that, I can't do it with you. Yeah, I just wanted to warn you, dude, in case you ripped a fucking blitzer at me, dude. Like, I'll be back, and you're like, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I'm like, that is him. I'm like, dude, is that fucking Little House on the Prairie? Did you know Little House on the Prairie? That show's wild dude talk about indians they addressed a lot of weird shit in that shot there's a clip circulating recently did you see that one it's i don't know why but he's like the teachers asking the class what they hate and the black kids like i hate the n-word and they're like no you don't he's like yeah because like i hate the way i'm treated so i hate me jesus christ it's so it's

really it's a whole thing about how slavery is bad and how being racist is bad but it was it was articulated in a very blunt and uh aggressive way And it's not like they're being offensive. It's just very upfront. Do you think in your world, is there a line where you just fucking rip it, dude? I'm not going to say slurs. You know what I mean? I'm not going to, but I have a lot of jokes. Dude, the other day, I was at an open mic where...

You'll understand this there was a man black man to the left dreads woman with pink hair on the right just you know the type and i was trying to riff something out and i was like my guy to the black guy go are you jamaican and he goes no and i go oh that that doesn't really help where i was going to go with this that he like sort of laughs girl with the pink hair goes, and I go, no, actually it's not what you,

I go, you're actually making it worse by reacting that way. And then I did, I just asked him, I said, the thing I was going to ask you, but it doesn't like you have the hair of a guy who looks like he has the movie shot us on DVD. And he just,

he started laughing hilariously. And I turned to the chick with pink hair and I go see it's not what you see what I did there and then just went about my set but it's like I think if you can

you can be fucked up offensive racist wherever you want to be as long as it's like you're not being mean if that makes sense

or like direct like you can say fucked up shit but there's got to be silly to it yeah like your intentions are good yeah yes you shouldn't be going up there and being like you can say fucked up shit but it's there's got to be silly to it yeah like your intentions are good yeah yes you shouldn't be going up there and being like dropping it yeah we've all seen it you go to enough open bikes you're like that bingo there it is you're like

all right man have a good one yep yeah have fun getting yeah and again i've also done shit where i've said shit and after i'd be like that was fucked up and i've asked like comedians after and they're like yeah that wasn't that was in bad form and i'm like all right next time i'll you know not total i'll peel it back or what is the word reel it back yeah real reset dude huh i said start it up like reset exactly or like you know you try to make a reference to something sometimes and it's like too on the nose. So you're like, OK, I'm going to like not like. Yeah, I'm trying to think of something to say that is probably just comes to you naturally, dude. Like it's, you know, most of those things like come naturally.

What do you mean? Like the edgy stuff? Oh, yeah. It's not really funny if it's like robotic. It's more so funny if it's like robotic it's more so funny if like you're riffing or exactly yeah yeah you because exactly you don't want to be you don't want to be that guy who's just going into the mics and being like you you you know whatever just being mean to everyone you just gotta rip it out as someone who has definitely i've definitely hosted open mics back in Connecticut and just to break the ice, made fun of everyone in the room. But again, I wasn't calling people slurs.

I was very much being like, you, you look like you work in tech or something. I mean, it would be funny. I mean, to be honest, it would be so funny. I would think it was funny. Yeah. But from a different, you know, I'm just laughing at chaos. I like when things go off kilter sometimes. I really do.

Yeah, it really like, you know, I've been seeing it more often. I'm just so sick of like the same jokes. It's nice when someone's like, you know, just says something brutally honest just for once, dude. You know what I mean? I can't say it on here. I got something for after. I had one that was, it was anyway, it's just cause it's too fucking specific and fucked up and people think I'm, Oh no, we'll put that on LinkedIn dude. Oh yeah. I got asked to upload.

I was doing, looking for jobs and I'm uploading. They, I have no LinkedIn. I've realized I don't even know what the fuck this is. I know it, I know what it is, but I've never pursued, you know, LinkedIn is like the exact opposite of honesty. It's like a bunch of people just lying about. Their resume? Yeah. All right, I've got to make one. It's the worst thing ever.

Like, it's fucking hell. I don't even think it helps, to be honest. Okay. Like, I'm not being racist, but you're going to talk to a lot of Indian dudes about fucking Bank of America jobs and shit like that. Like call center jobs. I was about to say it's call center city. Or they really outsource that, huh? Oh, for sure, dude.

They're saving billions just by paying these dudes fucking peeps. Sorry. I don't want to do that into your mic. Wait, so you moved here, dude, with no job? You just moved here? You just sent it with no job? So I have shows I run back home, which make me a very small amount of money

to survive, but I have money. I'll find a job, but I'm trying to find a job that fits my comedic schedule where I can keep my nights free. But it's looking like I might have to find something that's out of my comfort zone for a little while. There's so many jobs, man. Nobody wants to work. I'm looking, man.

Dude, I thought I would get a job at a fucking grocery store. You'd be surprised. I guess they've risen their requirements since I've worked at a grocery store. Yeah, because I worked one for years. There's a new talent level? I guess, dude. I've worked at one for years, and I'm trying out here. I'm just throwing.

I think they're lying to you, dude. I think I just got to go there and be like, give me a fucking job. Go there in person, dude. I don't even want to go on. I don't want to tell you about my job, disparages horrible job that's hilarious though man like a super dude every supermarket around here sells like fucking cat piss in their water like it's terrible man the they don't even provide bags here the bodega smells like cat piss all the time. Because there's cats in it, but they must let them piss all over the bodega. And people, it gets robbed every few weeks.

Yeah, I don't go to it. First week here, we didn't have any food so I went to the supermarket down the road. I bought like $150 worth of groceries and they just scanned everything and they were like, alright, have a good day. And I was like, no bags so you had everything yeah i was like i'm gonna i'll fucking shoot this place up like i'm not i'm gonna walk in a half a mile back with fucking like 30 pounds of beef in my hands did they have those ones you could buy yeah they make you buy the uh fuck that yeah dude it's fucking communism dude it's so fucked up, man. It's communism? Everyone brings their own bag and you're happy.

You're happy with the bag you're given and you buy a new bag if you don't get back. You don't bring a bag. If you don't want a bag, you don't bring a bag. You carry stuff home. Three miles. You can't bring bags from other stores. Yes, you can't bring bags from other stores yes you can they have someone who stops you's like uh-uh get that fucking all these bag out of here you're hot you're high as shit the first day you like believed what i said

you're like hey man get that shit out of here dude i've been high as shit a lot of my jobs and been told a lot of dumb shit yeah but yeah you can go to work high oh yeah holy shit i can do a lot i've been you know what i learned when i was when i started smoking weed i was like everyone who i talked to was like i can't do this high and i was like i just don't think they're trying hard enough so i haven't Yeah, like driving, I realized everyone who was scared to drive in Swagwia is like, you've got to focus, and if you do it enough, it just becomes normal. Yeah, second nature. You've got to be careful who you're talking to, though, dude. Some people try to be, yeah, some people worry about you.

Some people are like, what do you mean? How often do you do that? I'm like, what are you asking? I don't think about it. Yeah, like, dude, back in the day, if I took like six bong rips and tried to drive, dude, I would drive through a fucking Dollar Tree. Like, I wouldn't be able to. I mean, there's been mishaps, dude. Like, I've genuinely been driving

talking to my friend and then he's been like dude and i look out the window and i'm on someone's lawn i shit you not and i rip it up and i get on the road and i just keep going i don't i don't i do turn around i have turned around to check if there was a kid or anything and then i go i go no get out of here. Hopefully that ring doorbell can't catch the license plate. You just come to your senses, and you're like, holy shit, I'm on someone's lawn. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, man, more than once.

And it is what it is. Yeah, dude. Some would say I have a problem, but, you know. Dude, one time I was, like, super blitz with my buddy. We were so high, dude. We were at this thing called the Zen Center. It's like where a bunch of monks meditate and stuff. And we were in the parking lot, though, just ripping bong.

Like, we were so high. And this one kid was like, hey, man, like, throwing a party. Like, you guys still coming? And we were like, oh, shit. Like, we totally forgot. Dude, we drove straight to the party it was like an hour away up at uh uri yeah so we're pulling into this dude's driveway and like uh he sent me a text that i didn't read and i was like hey i just want you guys to know

the front of my house is super narrow and we don't really have a driveway so it's just like yeah he's like there's really not a driveway and he was like i don't think you guys can like fit anything like there and i didn't see the text message dude so i'm going down his road like 35 i take a turn and my friend's like dude you're about to drive through this dude's house i was literally like i hit the front of his house like tapped it like tapped it and then we were like oh shit like it was crazy man nice yeah i like that i like i like stone dumb stories i feel like every time something happens when you're stoned it's not too intense drunk for sure but stoned you're like whoa and it was like the smallest occurrence ever yeah i don't drink too often so but i know what you mean but yeah yeah

i've been drinking in a month man really and uh yeah i was sober for a often so but i know what you mean but yeah yeah i've been drinking in a month man really and uh yeah i was sober for a while and i think i'm just gonna stay like that man yeah dude i feel so much better man i so it's gonna sound bad but because i don't know i don't know how to word this without making it sound like i'm an alcoholic because i'm not i don't drink often but when i do drink like if i go to a fucking open mic and they're like, you have to buy a drink, I might buy it. Like if I if I'm if it's like you can get an alcoholic drink for the price or whatever, I'll get like a vodka cranberry. But if not, I'll get a soda. But if I'm going to drink, I want to get fucking drunk.

Like I just want to drink. So but that only happens every like three months or so. But I exactly what I was. That's what I've been talking about like the past few episodes yeah like i don't know how to explain i think i am an alcoholic like if i drink like i i'm not someone who can have like three beers and be like good night boys i'm like dude i'm i'm gonna do 15 fucking shots like try to suck my own dick so what i do is i definitely can stop it like three or four because i'll feel good but if and this is like before like i haven't done this in a while because i'm dating but if there are like women around and they're like let's drink i'm like yeah and there's dancing yo i'm I'm fucked. I'm done.

Titty city, dude. I'm done, dude. You will find me fucked up somewhere the next morning. Oh, dude, when you have a buzz and you see that first titty crack, dude. Dude, you'll do anything, man. You're like, oh, just another shot of pop off. Yeah. Fuck.

Yeah. That little crevice, dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They got a little. They got that. Like, they glued some shit to it for the night. Yeah, they glued their nipples to their bra. I was thinking jewelry, but they pin them up.

Dude, there should be like a new fashion thing where it's just like Elmer's glue. Like over the nipple and that's it. Like straight up tits. Oh, but you just can't see the nipple. Dude, honestly, and this is this is i'm not saying this is a reason i was like i'm staying in the fucking city but ever since i've been here i've gone i think like two or different three different events where there have just been women there with their tits out with tape over them like naked and just like in underwear what type of tape like like like like packs i'm thinking it's an e-sib i don't think it's duct tape dude imagine that

yeah i was thinking like uh like see-through tape no that would be hilarious they don't leave much to the imagination dude i'll tell you that. Just scotch tape. It's all crunchy, too, because it keeps moving. Like, doesn't cover, like, the full nipple. The full salami, dude. Yeah. Yeah, the X is kind of risky, though, dude. Like, that's not really in the shape of a nipple, either.

You can probably see the outer banks. Yeah. And their asses. They don't leave much to the imagination when they go. It was like at an art show. Actually, one was a wrestling show. That was the X's. The art show.

They were just painted naked. And I was like, this is what. Honestly, shit rules, dude. Like, I was able to smoke weed at this art show in the bar while there were just chicks walking around painted naked. It was like some shit out of a movie. Like, it felt like, you know, when you like watch shit. I don't know. Like from the 70s. It felt like... You know when you watch shit from the 70s? It felt like that. Like an old time when they're all at a disco thing

and there's drugs. I'm trying to paint a picture right now, dude, with my mind. Paint a picture with my balls, dude. Wait, so you were at an art exhibit? My friend, she does... She paints.

Corinne. Shout out to Corinne. Corinne's art. Anyway, fucking... She paints and she had a show out in the city, like a gallery. It was more of a party, dude. It was insane.

But it was in a two-level bar and they had artists set up all over the place. But it was like food, drinks, and then fucking slam poetry, all that shit. Holy shit. It was insane, dude. that sounds so fucking enjoyable man it was great would you like uh i mean you have a girlfriend now but would you consider that like a good first date no not that place was a little packed yeah and uh loud it was good to hang with fred's but no it was also it's just titties hanging out it's like you're gonna you're like damn dude i'm yeah that you know my lady would understand if she wasn't there you're talking about like finance with some chick like

well you have a quarter chub that's exactly just in the background like she's gonna figure out what you're looking at oh yeah yeah i mean but if it's there it's also there too like they're doing it so you're like what yeah they want me to look babe like relax you gotta be real italian about it like babe i had i was just she walked in the way like it's not my fault yeah don't get mad at me for looking at a sexy woman walk by naked it's not my fault yeah dude literally impossible even if it was a dude it would be like really hard not to look yeah yeah yeah no yeah i'm not gay but yeah i would be like all right i just had to i had to peek yeah you ever been a, like a men's swim meet, dude?

No. Dude. I don't think so. Dude. You're just looking. Holy shit. At the hang? Dude, it's the craziest shit, man.

I went to one in high school. All right. Yeah, man. We were, my buddy's girlfriend was on the women's swim team and her meet was right after the dudes. Yeah. So when we showed up, it was the dudes swim meet. and her meet was right after the dude's.

So when we showed up, it was the dude's swim meet. And, dude, you just saw a nasty lineup of, like, half the dudes in your English class. Dude, the fucking... Hanging dong. Just one pieces, and they're so tight. Dude, like, you're looking straight in the... You have to look. Oh, dude, I was...

I was, like, wide-eyeing it. Like, I didn't even hesitate. Yeah, no one can tell when they're next to you what you're looking at from a distance. It's so much easier to just look right into it than just like. If ever there's a comedian who I have to follow who's in sweatpants, and you can just, because I look. If they're in sweatpants, I look. And if I make it out

just a little bit, it's the first thing I bring up. I go, we all are going to pretend we just see the squeated dick on stage. Sometimes people laugh and sometimes people are like,

what? And I'm like, you didn't see it? Holy shit. I mean, I wear sweatpants, dude, and you wouldn't see anything, man. Oh, yeah.

I mean, they're colored though. They're not really like, they're not gray. They have to be like thin gray sweatpants to see like a solid bulge. Yeah. I also, I'm a grower, not a not really, like, they're not gray. They have to be, like, thin gray sweatpants to see, like, a solid bulge. Yeah. I also, I'm a grower, not a shower, and it's not an excuse at all. It's just.

Oh, yeah, for sure. It's just true. Like, if I had sweatpants on, you're probably going to see more nuts than anything. That's, like, the best excuse ever, too, dude. You're, like, your emotional, like, sex drive is what determines, like, the size of my schlong. You know what I'm saying? Wait, what? Like, if you're a grower.

Yeah. You can, like, blame it on the other chick, like, the other'm saying wait what like if you're a grower yeah you can like blame it on the other chick like the other person just be like you're just what you weren't good enough yeah exactly like i got another like two inches on top of this two inches like yeah if you could yeah yeah but dude they were uh if i can get hard they're they're happy yeah but if i'm not i would never pull out my limp penis ever oh no fuck now man i'm not unless someone pays you dude even then bro i'm not brave bro i've had i've had horrible experiences it's it's not good i might pull it out if i was ever in like a fight like an altercation as a like a like when the cobra's neck comes out you're like

yeah like little penis if i was fucked in a fight, I'd just pull my pants down. Start singing a song. It would definitely give them that like that. And then you do a wah-pah. Yeah, dude, just punch myself in my fucking own nuts. You know how confusing that is? You keep pulling it on you, man. I'm trying to get you out of this fight.

He's trying to help me out. I'm like, nah, dude. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. My little penis for weakness. Yeah, but dude, I was in a relationship like, who knows how long ago, like 10 years ago. Oh, yeah, that's right. It was like six. Yeah.

Okay. Before I moved here, I was in a relationship. So you were 16? Yeah. Okay. No, I'm just kidding. This was last year. Okay.

It's like, wow, you really you really moved on quick yeah uh but back to the art thing dude uh i was actually looking into that stuff uh the girl i was with mentioned like uh you can go to uh i forgot what it's called man but you just like drink wine and you paint oh paint yeah and i was like dude if i'm drinking wine and you hand me a paintbrush like i'm gonna draw the biggest dick ever and uh she was like yeah that's fine like they're not gonna say anything i was like let's fucking go like we never went so if i ever go on like a first date I'm going to, dude, full send, draw the biggest dick ever. So if you haven't gauged how cool this girl is, you'll find out.

You know what I mean? You'll find out. If she's like, that's hilarious, you're like, word, it worked. But if not, you have to understand. You get it, right? You'd be like, I understand why you're leaving I mean yeah I'd just be like

hey listen like this is who I am yeah right like did you laugh at that scene in Superbad with all the dicks it's hilarious yeah I mean dude

if she didn't laugh like she's not the one so it's like yeah perfect test dude my ex perfect perfect example

do you know have you ever seen the movie Rush Hour? You have seen that one. Great movie, right? Yeah. There's like which one? The first one specifically.

The first two are essentially great together. The same third one's okay. First one though, watched it with my ex. Literally, dude, she did not laugh once. Like didn't seem to enjoy it. And I genuinely walked out of the room after it was over and had like a moment in the kitchen like this is like this won't last like it won't it can't be with someone who doesn't think this movie is genuinely good like i could i had it like i

opened the fridge and like consoled myself about it and then just poured a whatever milk whatever i was having milk, cookies, whatever. And I went back, and six months later, we broke up. Dude, you did the right thing, man. I was. Dude, you honestly did the right thing, man. I was. Because I've had that experience so many times.

Every failed relationship, that first movie, dude, is such a deal breaker. Yeah. Like, I watched Borat with this chick once. She didn't like it. The longest relationship I've ever been in. That's a huge red. Yeah, dude. Chick doesn't like Borat.

Get the fuck. I mean, again, I would understand, but it's also like, you can't not like it. Like, it'd be like, this sucks. Dude, if you don't even

smile at Borat. That's what I'm saying. Like, who the fuck are you? She didn't laugh at Jackie Chan saying the N-word. I was like, he says the... Yeah, dude, I would've been like, get the fuck out of my house didn't laugh at Jackie Chan saying the N-word. It was like, he says the... Yeah, dude, I would have been like, get the fuck out of my house. I was in her house.

She was like, get the fuck out. I should have, dude. Honestly, it was the first beginning of the N-thing where you're like, man, dude, this won't work. Pass this. Oh, dude, it's such a good indicator. It's like the fucking CPI for the economy, dude. It's like, same thing. I don't even know what the CPI is.

I was about to say, bro, I'm going to nod. Consumer Price Index, dude. I don't even know what that means, bro. I just know it has something to do with the economy. I think you referenced it, right? I think that's a good fucking analogy, though, dude. Get some fucking smart people, you know? But, like, dude, that's uh moving forward man if i'm over

with a girl it's like dude put on goodwill hunting man put on super bad dude put on borat if they're not digging it dude the fuck out get out of here dude on to the next one dude yeah dude for real it is man if you don't like doing the same stuff oh man there's certain things. My lady, she likes shows that are for girl-oriented. She likes Gilmore Girls and shit, stuff like that. I don't watch that, and she doesn't expect me to. Yeah. I mean, you never know, though, if you give it a shot. I've tried.

I've watched One Tree Hill before, and I fucking shed a few tears, man. I did the same with Desperate Housewives, not teary-eyed. I went in. A few chicks in high school were hanging out. We were smoking weed. They're like, we're going to watch Desperate Housewives, not Teary-Eyed. I went in, a few chicks in high school were hanging out, we were smoking weed, they're like, we're gonna watch Desperate Housewives. I was like,

I'm not watching that gay shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, 20 minutes in, after the first episode or whatever, I was like, what happens next? Do you guys know what happened?

Is this a rerun? They were like, it's a marathon. I'm like, it's got a little blunt. We doing this this and watching i want to know what happens with this woman and her husband's affair fuck i gotta check that out man i heard it's like pretty decent it's it's so it's not great it's just it doesn't stop enticing things keep happening where you're like wait this person now is involved in a murder and this person's involved in like

you know their their long-lost brother who they thought they were dead just came back and he's got a secret that something's up he's burying something in the backyard what is it we don't know is it money is it that's what one tree hill's like dude really it's like a lifetime movie except like it'll be like the fucking it's just like teenagers smoking hot dudes. I'm like. Took a left turn. I love it. Yeah, it's like this fucking super hot blonde dude and like another dude.

They're like. They're just doing dude stuff. Yeah, they're just fucking smashing pussy dude. They're on like the varsity team for high school. So it's like Dawson's Creek. Oh, yeah. It's like it's so like every the end of every episode. It like leaves you like like do the'll fucking shoot a game-winning three-pointer and then like it'll cut to like his girlfriend on like the cheerleading squad like getting like fucked in the ass by another

dude and you're like yeah you're like oh no i gotta see how this pans out and then it just like plays the credits and you're like dude fuck yeah see what happens next yeah that's how they get you man it if you keep doing crazy storylines that seem to just keep unfolding it like they get weirder and weirder like i'm i'm here that's how weeds was at first and then it got too weird oh really yeah yeah weeds used to rule. Dude, the second season of every show was, like, hit or miss for sure. Yeah. I feel like it's either the first or, like, the first and the third.

You know, there's always, like, a rebound. So, yeah, like, the first season, they're getting their footing. Second season, they have, like, everything they should be using it to, like. It's like Breaking Bad's a good example. Like, the first season was, like, oh, what the fuck's going on here? And second season, they really expanded on all the characters and everything they were doing.

And then the third season, they were like, all right, we're getting really bloody. That's how I felt about Outer Banks, dude. You ever see that? No. Everyone's told me it's good. The first season is so good

and the chick is so hot. It's like a Lifetime movie, dude. Like, oh, dude, I was crying, man. I was like sucking on my own fucking thumbs like for hours, dude. It was insane. You got that emotional with this? I guess in real life, like the couple, like they became a couple, like the dude and the girl. And that just kind of fucked it for me.

I was like, come on, dude. What are you guys doing? You guys are ruining the dynamic of the show. So the second season, man, it took a hit. It just wasn't the same, man. the dynamic of the show. So the second season, man,

it took a hit. Just wasn't the same, man. You know, like once they start, you know, getting together in real life, it's like, what are we doing?

That's my take at least, you know? Yeah. But do you think it actually affected the writing of the show? Are you saying it just peripheral or I thought the first season was fucking insane. And then the seconds I watched like two episodes and I was like, dude, what the fuck is this shit?

Some shows do that too, where they fall off, where they, I've noticed some shows don't start out with a message at all. Like they have no bullshit like in back of them. And then the second season they're like, and now all of a sudden this character cares about this issue. And you're like, click, I'm out of here. I'm fucking, first season everyone was just having fun. Second season everyone's like, oh,, it's Native American and not Indian. Yeah, some fucking lobbyist came into play.

Yeah. He was like, yeah, sorry, show, and I have some thoughts. Yeah, Inside Job did that. A few shows have done that, though, where you're like, this was really cool. Yeah, some fucking dude from Big Tex. Like, I think I know what the script should be. Yeah, I think I know what needs to be said for the zeitgeist. It's like, dude, your wife's cheating on you.

Yes. And you let it happen because you're a cuck. And there's nothing wrong with that, but you know what you're doing. If I ever, dude, if I ever made a movie, if you want to join, dude, like, produce a fucking film. Yeah. It's going to be off the fucking chain, dude. Yeah. Especially the first scene.

It's just going to be like a bunch of fucking... Sort of nowhere it's going to be off the fucking chain, dude. Especially the first scene. It's just going to be like a bunch of fucking... Sort of nowhere it's going. It's going to be so confusing. But it's going to set the tone, dude. For sure. I gotta hear it. I'm just thinking like a fucking... Honestly, just like a series of Honda Accords.

Just lined up. Like 30 Honda Accords. They fucking all blow up, like, simultaneously. And then, like, a bunch of fucking, like, cats come out of nowhere, dude. And that's it? That's the opening? Yeah. Okay.

And then the credits play. It's like a two-minute. This is like how Stanley Kubrick envisioned how movies would evolve. Dude, think about how confused you would be if you were in a theater and you saw that. What's the name of the movie, too? It's nothing. Nothing? Yeah.

God damn it. If you had a crazier name, then you'd really have me on. Where I'm like, yo, that, I have to see. If you had a title that got me, I'd, yeah, a hundred grand right now for you. Fuck my tits. Fuck my tits. It's gonna be, it's gonna be hard to distribute that to the,

the masses. You're gonna be like, well, it says two words in this have to be censored. And also, we don't know what the fuck's going on. It's just a bunch of cats. Oh, man, dude.

I want to do movies that they don't make, like, the, they don't make sense at all. Like, the endings or whatever. Like, specifically the endings of the movies. Like, imagine if you watched The Notebook. And I mean this sincerely. Imagine if you watched the entire Notebook. Have you ever seen it? Yeah.

I have not, but I know what happens. I know the ending. So imagine the same movie. It's The Notebook. The exact same movie, right up to the ending when they're laying in bed together, all old. But as they're laying in bed, two velociraptors run in the room and just fuck them up like fuck i mean like viciously like hook their nose with their claws rip it out like eat the girl's tits off like bad brutal like viscerally violent and then it credits roll

dude that'd be fucking sick completely different movie dude after every good movie i think about that all the time yeah the last scene where everyone's crying i'm thinking about the craziest shit dude like imagine fucking like uh what's a good example try to think of like a legitimately like a good example of like a beautiful ending that could have ended like so much differently i was gonna say goodwill hunting but that's that's like a disgrace to yeah you can't disrespect that demon like that like dude there's uh the fault in my stars is one i've never seen that movie i don't watch cancer movies legitimately like one of the saddest movies ever when i was in in college, I bought it on DVD.

And I was talking to my roommates. I was like, I bet you guys can't watch this without crying. It's like a bunch of big dudes. They're like, dude, stop being a fucking pussy. Dude, I put it on, and by the end, they were like, all right. This is the saddest shit I've ever seen. Have you ever seen SLC Punk? SLC Punk? Salt Lake City is what that stands for.

Oh, really? really yeah what's that about matt lillard it's a movie about him living in salt lake city being a punk it's great it's genuinely one of the only movies like that's in royal ten of bombs a few few wes anderson movies actually but slc punk has a scene in it towards the end that is if you've ever had like a boy one of your boys like die or something you'll fucking like you'll cry so fucking hard oh yeah that's like end of watch dude dude end of watch bro that will fuck a dude up dudes bro that's the dude movie where the eddie dude cries that's when you just order a pizza dude and fucking jerk each other off such as he's my

brother you're like fuck man yeah Imagine if the end of that movie. I don't get it. He can, but still. I don't give a fuck. Imagine if at the end of the movie when he was like giving the speech at the funeral, like his wife just runs in with like her tits out. Exactly.

He would have wanted this. Yeah. End of watch. She has like a fucking carton of eggs with her. She starts throwing them at people, dude. He was my brother. He's just dripping down his face. She's like, that's my brother.

That's my wife. She just takes a massive shit. Like the fucking credits play. She says the N word. I would want to see the movie theater's reaction to that. What the fuck?

Did I just watch? Have you ever been? It would just be a bunch of high people being like, what the fuck? Is this the same movie, bro? This girl's just taking a shit. I was about to cry.

I was just taking a shit. That was the saddest ending. This girl's shitting. Dude, what they should play in movies is cake farts. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Hell yeah. They should play that before every movie.

Let's all go to the lobby. that video is so funny do you see the original one or like yeah dude i i've seen and i don't know if i've seen the original but i've seen you know i've seen it seen it about seeing the genre i've had people just pull that up as like a bit be like check this out and i I'm like, oh, come on. I'm like, oh, really? I'm eating cereal over here. No, dude, you have to. Oh, dude, cereal. You ever seen a cereal butt?

I think probably, dude. I've been shown crazy. I've seen a lot of shit. Well, they're both like notoriously like original. Like Cake Farts, the original version. It's hard to find, but it's so funny, dude. Like, cake farts, the original version. It's hard to find, but it's so funny, dude.

She farts on, like, a brown cream cake, and it's, like, she's so passionate about it. And, like, all the cream's in her ass, and it just, like, flies everywhere. She's, like, ripping heaters, dude. But then a cereal butt I haven't seen. I don't think it's online anymore. Yeah. I think it's just a dude eating cereal out of a girl's butt. might have seen that one yeah yeah i've seen a lot i've seen a lot i've seen mr hands i've seen two girls really i never actually saw mr hands yeah i've seen it

i've seen two girls one cup and i thought that was when someone first showed it to me i was there like check you're gonna freak out this is disgusting when it started the girls like sucking the other girl's tit so i was like oh no i thought the girl was just gonna rip the other girl's tit off i swear to god i thought he's gonna bite it off yeah and then it just turned into them shitting and i was like yeah oh this is gross and my friend was like gnarly yeah i was like honestly though i was expecting violence so this is not as bad as oh yeah violence would be super confusing yeah yeah that would definitely like ruin the vibe for all the boys.

The BSM Olympics or whatever those were? The Pain Olympics? Never saw those. The Pain Olympics? Yeah, some of it's real, some of it's sort of not. It depends. I don't know which ones are real and what not, but it's just people fucking their genitals up,

like stabbing them and shit. Wow. It's brutal. Yeah, that would fuck me up. It wasn't great. I would be up. Like stabbing them and shit. Wow. It's brutal. Yeah, that would fuck me up. It wasn't great. I wouldn't be going like a three-day hiatus for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

It does something to you, definitely. You ever watch murders online? I think you can't anymore? Yeah. You can probably find one on YouTube that hasn't been taken down. No, there's websites that do it 100%. Not so much merch, but people just get fucked up. My friends and I used to find those.

Yeah, what are you going to do, man? Dude, what the fuck? Sorry. Imagine having a girl over and just being like, watch this shit. They're out there. They're out there. You don't want one of those girls, though. I think all of

them are pretty into like murder mysteries and stuff like that they're into the the the what you would call it like doc they're they want that separation of documentary and uh you know what's it called reenactment they like that but when it's in their faces they're like i don't like that i've never met a girl who's like, I watched two guys, one hammer, and that shit's fucking wild. Really? I've met some girls who are like, I love when he gets his nuts chopped off and crucified in the middle of the road. What movie is that? What the fuck is that?

What kind of bitch is this? How many tattoos does this girl have on her neck? It's the murder podcast. It's stories of couples, married couples. That's not cool. And dude, imagine you fucking work for UPS. You just come home one day. Your wife has a fucking M60 planted in the kitchen.

She blows your nuts off. Yeah, she's playing fucking Fortunate Son, dude. She's Vietnam Vets here. She has like a fucking 300 round belt oh it's a gun that is an m60 m60 i thought i thought you said m80 it's like the little bomb to blow his nuts off she's like sit down in your chair you think about you think about the thing i used to blow up mailboxes exactly i'm talking exactly. I'm talking about fucking World War II, dude. Jesus Christ. Where'd she get this?

I don't know. She probably looked it up after, like, Call of Duty. I don't know. I mean, that's how I ended up in the M60s. I just played too much COD, dude. For sure. Hell yeah. She's like that big-ass gun, dude.

She's dumb, Sonya. 300-fucking-round mag, dude. Honey, put the ass gun, dude. She just dumps on you. 300 fucking round mag, dude. Honey, put the gun down, please. It's like not even like, she can't even hold it. Just like legitimately planted. Just flops around. Catches you with a straight. Yeah, the recoil must be insane on those things.

Dude, we had a fucking... I don't know why I was laughing but like uh in my hometown uh this married couple i guess the husband blew up their house dude why with that in it i guess he uh i don't know he must have been upset with the marriage i guess they were like supposedly like a happy married couple and one day he just went into the basement with like two propane tanks filled and shot him with a shotgun that's that's fucking insane yeah that'll it's like a suburban town like you know like it's just like a family-oriented town he did what he played video games there's no way you ran or like you know what this is how i'm gonna blow up my house like he was like you know what i think propane video games going to blow up my house. He was like, you know what? I think propane, video games, you shoot them, blows up.

I got five of them. Put them in my basement near the heater. This is how it'll work. It worked. He's going to the local shell like, yeah, I need five tanks filled. They're like, are you going to a fucking barbecue, dude? The last and best barbecue this town's ever seen. He's like, nah, dude, my wife is just talking about the weather way too much.

Like, oh, yeah, you're going to... You know how funny that is, though, dude? That's the funniest thing in the world to think about that. What? Killing your family with a blow-in-your-house video game style? He's like, no... He's like, these aren't red. They're red. I was supposed to shoot them, and they blow up red. They there's like no these aren't red they're red I was supposed to

shoot them and they blow up red they're like no what I just meant like the dialogue part like your wife's like oh like it's

it's gonna be pretty nice tomorrow you know like 65 and you're just like so upset that she just talks about the weather

every day and you're like alright honey I'll be right back yeah this is the last time and it's like she's just night the thing is. And it's like, she's just night. The thing is, dude, she's not even being.

She's just like, oh, it's going to be rainy today. And he's just like, why don't you bring it up? I know. We have apps on the phone, bitch. We have the app. I check it every day. It says it on the fridge. There's just a massive explosion, dude.

They seem so happy. It's like you'd ever saw him after she asked him about the weather. He was the different man. He sped out of this neighborhood. Dude, to not, like to keep a straight face.

Reading that news report. Like if they included the details. Yeah. They're just like, yeah, this weather loving woman and her clearly not weather-loving husband. She always knew what the weather was. That's what does it for her.

I don't understand this. I get it, but I don't. That must be just the consistency he can't put up with. Yeah, the same thing every day, for sure. I mean, that is the definition of insanity, though. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, dude. Yeah. Which is like 90% of marriages.

If you don't address it, you know what I mean? He's trying to spice things up, and she's like, no. The weather. We're talking about fucking windchill right now she's like sometimes they're wrong sometimes they're right but i'm gonna go with you know their output every time yeah you think you're gonna get married dude no no no do you like set that set that tone yeah well dude after my last relationship i'm very much setting that tone with women i because i dated a girl who was like well i want to get married and have kids and i was like

well i don't but i could be convinced that i could want to do that one day if i met the right person and you could be the right person i've only known you a few weeks so i well actually she told me on the first date correct that i was like i don't know if i want to marry you yeah i don't know if i want to marry anyone i've known for a day so if we end up falling in love that's a possibility but i'm not set on that yet at all have you ever have you ever been in love or no yes you like felt in your nuts like how'd you feel uh i yeah i think i felt it yeah i guess you could say deep in your nuts you how'd you feel uh i yeah you i think i felt it yeah i guess you could say deep in your nuts you're like you got i think that's i don't know if that's love though

dude i think that's just like you're kind of like post nut syndrome dude what you mean like when you've not and you're like yeah you just blow inside of a chick and then afterwards you're like yeah yo never again yes definitely dude i had that one definitely definitely done that but i then i wouldn't have felt it from my nuts. What I've realized when I've fallen in love with a chick is just I really, really enjoy their company. I know that's lame, but I can actually spend time with them and not want to chill with my boys. That's a good indicator that I love. I don't know if I've ever felt that, man.

boys that's a good indicator that i love yeah i don't know if i've ever felt that man it's it's almost like i could chill with my boys but they might want to do other stuff and this chick we can all do the same stuff and then there's sex involved i think i'm just like a piece of shit human being dude like in my last relationship dude like sorry if i'm being honest man like there would be so many moments where i would like leave my girlfriend like we'd stop hanging out and i would call my boy and i'd be like dude you ready for this like for xbox yeah and it was just like one of the best feelings in the world so i'll say this because this is like i'm not saying i didn't at one point love my ex but i know i didn't really really love her the way i i think love is is because i shit you not a day or two after we broke up i remember sitting on my couch in the

middle of the day and being like like because usually it's like oh i'm chilling going on we're hanging out we're going for a hike we're fucking doing what we're doing girlfriend boyfriend stuff and i was sitting there and i was i'd already set up like a date with another chick and i was already like just sitting there trying to plan out how to do stand up and like what to do to like hang out and i was like yo this feels right you know what i mean like compared to being with her i was like this feels right like this doesn't feel like what i before it felt like i was doing shit i didn't want to do and now i'm like on the path again of this feels like me. You know what I mean?

Yeah. In the last few months of our relationship, it was a fucking... I feel the same way, man. Dude, I can just fucking go outside right now, yell vagina, dude, and feel like fucking Dirty Harold, dude. You know what I'm saying? You can just do shit when you're single as a dude and you don't and you're like oh i'm out of that thing like my ex was all like oh i want to get married and have kids and i'm like yo i don't though so like either get over it and it might happen or we were done and then we she took that was actually

her ultimatum and then i said well we're done i'm not fucking having kids yeah dude you just don't have to like change or like explain yourself that's the biggest thing exactly and then you sit at home and you're like yo yo, I no longer have to have these arguments or conversations and oh yeah, I can do whatever the fuck I want because I don't have kids and I don't have a wife.

No one's questioning you. Nobody. Nobody, dude. Fucking rules. Just you, man. Yeah. And if you feel like you're doing the right thing,

you're fucking, you're the man. That's it. That's how simple it is sometimes being a dude. Fuck yeah, dude. There's nothing like it, man. Just playing fucking

here I go again on my own. Yeah, and literally, like, in the city, too, silly like that, you're like, I'm going out into the fucking city. Going out into the jungle. Exactly. You got a little cord chop going, too, dude. Yeah, dude, you got it.

If you wait to jerk off, like, later that night. Like, dude, when I walk out that door, there's like a 20-minute walk to the train station sometimes. Dude, I'll take that full walk, dude. And, like, when I extend my left calf and i feel it like the blood rushes hell yeah right up your playing fucking classic rock from like the 70s dude yeah ccr you ccu that's yeah it's a little earlier but i mean knowing that nobody would understand that if i tried to explain to them i get it dude i'm like yeah dude i just walked 25 minutes down the road listening to fortunate son you know he really stuck on the ccr i like it that's one of my favorite bands dude i'm not exaggerating i grew up on ccr yeah

some real shit hell yeah dude down on the corner bro yeah me and dave were talking about it dude just like imagine like banging a chick to like that song you could they got some good beats hook up some subwoofers dude just get after it wait fortunate son yeah just feel like you're in world war ii dude yeah well i mean it'd be more like vietnam vietnam it's a very vietnam yeah world war ii that'd be super confusing yeah that'd be like fucking germans playing that it's a bunch of fucking u-boats Yeah, World War II, that'd be super confusing. Yeah, that'd be like... Fucking Germans playing that. Just a bunch of fucking U-boats. What is this?

Yeah, they didn't have good music. They didn't have... In the 40s, it was like... It was just like a bunch of fucking queefs and those. They didn't have that rock and roll... That is kind of crazy to think about, dude. Like, if you went back in time, like, when music was just starting out,

like, dude, you could establish, like, your own insane genre. Yeah. Well, you would also be like, this fucking sucks, like, out loud all the time. Like, unless you're

at, like, a jazz club, like... And honestly, yeah, it would suck because it's all like, my Sally and I went down to the grocery and dude what uh when i used to get high me and my buddy we would uh we would look up porn videos yeah on like porn hub yeah hardcore gang bangs and he had a subwoofer system yeah and we would

drive through the mcdonald's drive-thru just playing it on the phone. Fucking rules, dude. We would keep a straight face. She'd be like, yeah, I'll take two

McChickens. I can see you doing it so perfectly. He was Asian too, so it was like super confusing. It makes it funny. I can't tell you why.

It's just an Asian dude and a white dude just straight face to be like, oh, yeah, you like that. Because that's gangbang, right? It's just like we're in a Mazda 3, like, baked out of our minds. Oh, my God, that's so much cum. Yeah, can I get two McChickens? Do you still watch gangbangs? No, man. I'm more'm more into like the passion stuff now

for sure i just talked about this on my podcast i'm very much i might honestly just stop watching i'm not going to but i keep telling myself that you know what i've learned is if you can take a like just a break you don't have to quit but if you can space it out you'll feel better your your nuts will feel better all that yeah i've just been doing it for so long man it doesn't make sense to stop now same same man i grew up right when that shit was like made free essentially yeah i mean when i started dude i was shooting blanks like nothing was even coming out yeah i never actually did i never got to shoot blanks i never i didn't believe

jacking off was that you know when people would be like i'd be like that's just what dudes are saying as a joke and then i word on the street yeah and then when i did that i tried it one day i was like oh my god yeah it was the best thing ever dude yeah it's it kind of changes your life from that point on dude i can remember it i remember it like i remember when it happened it was like from that point on it's just yep yeah we had a uh my family uh purchased a dell yeah computer yeah so much money dude and they put it upstairs and i would i would just go up there after school, dude, and just rip them off, dude. Destroy it. And, dude, my dad had to keep taking the computer back to his work, and he would give it to this guy who knew how to fix viruses.

So this guy was just looking through. Like, what the hell are you watching, man? He's like, zombies! That must be my son! It's one of those gang things. Happened so many times it never had I would just be like

yeah like I can't do my homework like computers fucking glitching you never got in trouble not once that dude at that fucking thing is a cool dude

what are you gonna tell my dad be like hey uh you might wanna tell your son to lay off the uh you know yeah he probably assumed

it was just you know the dad's yeah it was his stop going to this fucking blacked before it was just, you know, the dad's. Yeah, it was his. Stop going to this fucking blacked, before it was blacked site. Yeah, there's nothing like that, though, dude, back in the day, man. Somebody told me the other day, they were like, dude, depression is like when you think about the past, and anxiety is when you think about the future.

And that kind of stuck with me, dude, because all I think about is the past. I don't really care too much about the future right now well dude i don't get i was gonna say i don't always get depressed when i think about the past either and i definitely get depressed when i think about my current life sometimes i'll tell you that this is a joke man that's a great joke what like you can set up a joke like that about what you're saying about what you just said like the punchline would be like i think depression just thinking about my current life. Alright, we'll do the saying after.

I'm going to do that, dude. Sorry, I've got to write it down. I won't remember even if I rewatch this. We're just stealing some random dude's joke. Some random. I'm going to write it down right for now so I can ask you what that saying was again after. Yeah. Sorry. Mid-pod. I won't remember. I think we are stealing a dude's joke

but that's fine man i don't think he's made it yet well i don't care it's i don't know him you said that depression past sorry there we go got it i'll remember to ask you after sorry about that you're just gonna tell that at a fucking show and it's going to bomb. I know. It's going to be terrible. It's going to be like, you okay after? And you're like, yeah, fine. You can find a job.

You're just going to think about it and be like, all right, this is depression. Yeah, it's just real. Yeah. That's always funny too when you see someone on stage

being funny but they're talking about their sad fucking life and it's not funny. It's just really fucking sad. I mean, that's how I feel, man. just really fucking sad i mean that's how i feel man sometimes i'll talk about shit that's like real to me man like honest shit yeah

just most of the shit i talk about people think it's funny and i'm just like i don't this isn't that like this isn't funny to me take the saddest part about comedy dude you know yeah you know it's like talking about how i look retarded and people are laughing right at me. I'm like, dude, I meant that I met, I look retarded. Yeah. Like trying to have a heart to heart with you guys. They can be like,

I want to kill myself. They're like, you tell him, man, you're all right. I do. I do think about the past a little too much though, dude.

Yeah. You ever feel that? Yeah. I'm, I'm training myself to not care about things. Really? If that makes sense. Yeah. Like how so?

Like, so if I think about shit, I don't want to think about like past bullshit or things that people piss me off specifically. Cause there's, you know, an abundance of that. Yeah. I just go,

you know, you don't have to think about this stuff like to myself. And then I have like a whole process of process of, like, pushing it out of, like, my brain view, if that makes sense. Like, physically, like, I imagine it happening. Like, I imagine, like, pushing thoughts out. And then I instantly just redirect what I'm thinking about. It's harder. Holy shit.

Takes a while. Fucking, that was insane, man. You just blew my fucking mind really you like pushing shit around like yeah you got to actually envision it yeah it's the thing because like reorganizing your mind yeah so where it started was i couldn't sleep for a while and then i would imagine instead what because i just have my brain is crazy it just doesn't stop thinking sometimes so i would sit there and be like, don't think. Like, don't think about darkness.

Like, think about nothing. You have to actually not think. And then if you can imagine, and once you can do that, we can start, like, really, really training yourself to not have thoughts. You can almost imagine, like, a black space. That's what I do. And then it's darkness and you fall fall asleep but what i do with that is then i'll push my negative shit into that space and then you know fuck yeah dude sorry

i didn't want to this is a kind of dude i'm not trying to get all cerebral no dude like recently like my roommate was like dude what are you thinking about and i was like nothing and he like he cried laughing and i was like there's, what are you thinking about? And I was like, nothing. And he cried laughing. And I was like, there's nothing going on in my brain right now. It's just complete darkness, dude. That's okay, though. You should do that. Because if you're always, I mean, if you don't have an inner monologue, then you're a psychopath.

If you're genuinely sitting there just drifting, it's like, yeah, you're kind of at peace. You know what I mean? If you're always thinking, then you're like, shut the fuck. You don't like what I'm doing right now. You don't like someone who's always rambling. Yeah. If you're thinking too much, you're not doing enough. Exactly.

Yeah. What you need, dude, is, like, a little bit of darkness, and then just, like, every once in a while, like a fucking pair of tits just pops up in an hour, dude. Then you accept them, and you go's cool but i can't i can't right now you're like stop go back then you reset dude and you're like okay i do yeah that's the reset anytime you think of something you go shit reset and then you just focus on nothing and then when you go man i'm focusing on nothing right now oh that's something just back to it's crazy it's

hard dude we should go on one of those retreats join like a cult holy shit dude you ever see those ones where they like do crazy shit like naked in rooms yeah and they're just screaming yeah i feel like that would be good for they like hold someone down and they're like you're you represent my mother and i hate her and then that you have to like take it all in then you get to sorry then you get to yell at that person yeah the same way yeah let's do it dude that's it's insane because you can do whatever you want there yeah you really can as long as you don't well some of them they do let you get physical you can like stick your fucking thumb in the chick's mouth and be like this is what you yeah if i think she's all right with it yeah yeah it's cults baby i would never do that i'm just playing jokes i think we should like bring uh

like a gopro there don't look at this nothing you have a cowboy hat naked with a gopro in it just screaming at someone oh take my cowboy hat off for you mom or anybody yeah dude you're just fucking like jerking off and farting at the same time sure i guess i'm there for it yeah that'd be fucking i would do some fucking crazy shit in that room dude yeah like not like too crazy but like just to like i feel like I feel like I feel like the true reset is just like a good laugh.

Yeah. Yeah. Imagine imagine how hard you would laugh if me and you were at a fucking retreat like what we'd have to do it to each other

or to other people just looking at each other across like it was some wild shit. If we went together and they were like all right like you know it's your turn dude. If we went together and they were like, all right, like, you know, it's your turn, dude.

Like, you're gay. I'm gay. You're gay. But, yeah, dude, if you just, even just seeing other shit, like, I don't even know, man. If I saw a grown man screaming at a smaller woman and being like, that's why you never loved me, you bitch. You represent my wife. I would just, I would laugh my, especially if she was hot, too. why you never loved me, you bitch! You represent my wife! I would laugh my... Especially if she was hot, too.

Do you ever think that? When you see hot women having a bad time, doesn't it make you happy? Yeah. Because you're like, you deserve... They have easy lives in my... Yeah. Not really, but you don't. It's like a supermodel with a full bush and some dude with a chode.

It's not that fucking small. Yeah. You should shave your pussy so i can have better access to it and she feels bad he just knocks himself out with a fucking uppercut i love it dude bring it all back yeah the mediator's like all right that's that's your guy's trauma i guess i guess so yeah that'll be fucking hilarious man well dude uh it's been like over an hour man hell yeah it's i thought maybe but i couldn't tell no dude i had a great time man oh great it was nice to meet you dude this is our first time

talking to you i feel like for real like we met at the show but it was very like hey how you doing and then you had the show and we were yeah Yeah, no, it was nice to sit down, man, and just like talk about stuff that doesn't even make sense, man. Did some of my podcasts as well. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. I'd love to have you on sometime. Hell yeah, dude.

I'll be there, man. Hell yeah. But yeah, if you want to shout out your podcast, dude. Yeah, guys, follow me. Follow me at Silly Selly on Instagram. I'd appreciate that. And check out my podcast. Yes, offense offense it's on

spotify youtube itunes uh the video is up on youtube check it out we do them every week comes out uh follow follow yes offense uh podcast on instagram as well and uh yeah just follow me there for my dates fuck yeah dude that's where it'll be thanks for coming bro that's thank you