The Johnny Salami Podcast - Andrew Vickers

Episode Date: December 19, 2021

Andrew Vickers is a hilarious comic from Boston. In this episode we talk about making love to chicken breasts, catching rats, and Andrews time in Africa.

going on everyone welcome to a new episode of the johnny slommy podcast today i'm here with my boy andrew vickers hell yeah so you pronounce your last name right that is vickers yeah it's good to see you though man you too man um i mean dude for people listening we've probably said like 10 words to each other dude but i just you know i felt like an instant vibe i felt like yeah there was a connection yeah there's a connection we yeah man as soon as our fingers touched i mean uh as soon as we were talking. Don't tell me. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we were on that show together at White Bull Tavern. I know comedy runs a great show, Saturdays and Fridays and Thursdays, I guess, too. You had a fire set, dude. Yeah, dude. I mean, you were hilarious, man. And I just appreciate you for just talking to me, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Dude, it just made me feel like so tingling inside man like usually when i do usually when i show up to shows people uh people

are like dude like you know don't fight anyone like i'm like dude i'm on the show i don't think you fully comprehend i remember the first show i did boss and that's what the uh was it sammy the bodyguard at uh nick's comedy stop god Sammy who's been who's been the guy at Nick's for 75 years? How long has Nick's been open? That's how long Sammy has been there. He's been there for that long? Yeah. Yeah man he didn't even say hi to me he was just like dude don't

fight anyone and I was like dude I'm on the show and he was like no you're not. Bro he sized you up he looked at you and he's like this is the guy that's gonna give me trouble tonight. That hurts though, man. You know, because you always want to make like a good first impression. Yeah.

Well, to me, see, here's the thing. You always want what you don't have. To me, if I showed up to a show and someone was like, don't fight anyone, I'd be like, I'm fucking killing it. I'd be like, this guy thinks I can fight? This is incredible. I like how you're i can fight this is incredible i like how you're like the gentle giant you're like oh man i don't like dude my heart was crushed bro i think i think i was like 21 or 22 meanwhile that would make my night i put up a facebook post and everything i was like first show in boston and i dude drove my mom's honda court

up there bro yeah i was like dude I couldn't wait to get in there man and that was like. Well did you fight anyone just to just to like. Fucking probably. Yeah. I just took on like eight dudes.

That's the thing dude with these troubled kids with these troubled kids you know a lot of times you manifest what you don't want to see and then. I should have just gone along with it dude.

Like what did you say motherfucker. Dude what if Sammy could fight. I bet you Sammy can fight fight i've never i've only ever seen him like waddling around telling people what to do and stuff you've never seen him first of all love love sammy you know he's a sweet guy but i bet you but she grabbed someone by the back of their belt and then they put their neck and i bet he says something like wicked gay

just to throw people off he's gonna jerk you off yeah off, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, dude. Yeah, yeah. Don't fuck with me. I'll fuck your dad. Oh, shit. Yeah, he probably just says wild shit like that. Yeah, I bet. He says some wild shit, dude.

He does, man. Yeah. And he seems to like, yeah, he seems to not like care too of who is on stage too. They'll be like talking or whatever

and he'll be like, that's some funny shit right there. Yeah, that's like his, that's probably his life though. That his that is his life yeah yeah again i think he's been there we shouldn't make that judgment call but yeah he looks forward to it yeah meanwhile he's a millionaire uh yeah yeah dude he's he's probably laundering money in there that whole place is long well i don't know what we should say you keep telling secrets bro dude that whole place is nobody understands

what I feel like that whole stretch of theaters I feel like anyone who walks in that's probably like at least like their top three right yeah

who owns this place and how do they own it yeah well dude like most of the comedy clubs around here I feel like are like fucking

fucking DDR clubs right like dude like when we were at the show, music started playing when the headliner was on stage. Right. Can you imagine being in that situation?

What are you supposed to do? Yeah. Dude, he's from the West Coast too, dude. You take a plane here and it's just like fucking, someone starts playing just a little bit by 50 Cent while you're telling a fucking dick joke. Like, what am I doing here?

Yeah, you have to go back to your Motel 6 and listen to the recording. Listen to yourself get heckled by 50 Cent. Nobody did anything either. Everyone was just like, yeah, I mean, that's just how it is. That's how it is, man. It's bad timing. That's fucking hilarious.

That happened two nights ago. Where were we? Some mic. But you couldn't even hear the performer on stage anymore. I've done that a few times man yeah uh probably top definitely one of the worst feelings in the world yeah not being able to hear yourself then you start i mean you go to a mic like you already have that feeling like no one's listening to me but when you can't even hear your own yourself it confirms it yeah

you start projecting more and they're like no it wasn the volume. We just don't like you as a person. Yeah, especially if you have a quiet voice like me. Yeah. Nobody can hear me in general. Yeah. Dude, you have a great style, and I was thinking so much about your material afterwards because the voice you do is this guy that I used to work for. So I was a whitewater raft guide.

I'm from North Carolina. Oh, shit, dude. Yeah. The Outer Banks? No, i'm from north carolina oh shit dude yeah the uh uh outer banks no i'm from the west side uh dude for people listening can you uh i didn't mean to like you know sure break your fucking no you had a lot of momentum going on that you don't know yeah no i felt it heating up but no please but i was just wondering about like the geography of uh because i've seen outer banks yeah i've directed all to that like a few times yeah yeah that's my sister so i would appreciate it yeah dude i was

wondering about like the geography man like where the outer banks are obviously by the water like so where's the where did you live in relation to like to that i lived like six hours inland holy shit yeah so like charlotte is the big city in the west raleigh's the big city in the east outer banks are even further east than that. So I lived north of Charlotte. That's like mountains. That's like... Yeah, that's like, hey, boy, what are you...

You stay out of there. You're lost. Yeah. No, I live there. I live in the boondocks. I grew up in... There's a little town called Bethlehem. I'm not kidding, dude.

You're not playing with me? No, the town is called Bethlehem. I'm not kidding, dude. You're not familiar with me? No, the town is called Bethlehem. It's near Hickory. They both sound like made-up names, but they're real places. When I think of Hickory, I think of, like, Hoosiers. Yeah. That's, yeah. No, it's proper Hickory emphasis on the Hickory.

Do you live on a farm? No, I didn't. We didn't have animals, but I lived, like, near, like, so big dairy farm area. So, dairy and tobacco and stuff like that. But we didn't have animals or anything like that. like so big dairy farm area so dairy and tobacco and stuff like that but we didn't have animals or anything like that we were just h yeah yeah bro no but we were out there bro we were out there in the so why did you why'd you come here my wife got a job up here yeah and i didn't have a job at the time actually we had it was our wet we got married and then i moved up right away

i didn't have a job i ended up going to grad school for a little while but i fucking dropped out of grad school yeah dude you look like when i saw you dude you look like pretty intelligent yeah dude well i'm not that's why i dropped out of grad school really well you went to grad school i went to grad school no i did well i did well in grad school i just hated it i really hated it you know yeah school school sucks we can admit that right yeah it's just a business man yeah school sucks school wasn't for me dude yeah it it blows it's just like trying to convince people i could read was like my biggest problem dude yeah man yeah and then you gotta keep promise you gotta keep up the charade for the next 30 years or whatever until you retire.

No, sir. Yeah, man. College is about getting fucked up pretty much. That's what it's like. Where did you go? I went to three different schools. Which was your favorite? None of them.

Yeah. If I could go back, I don't even know if I would have. Word. Yeah. Dude, imagine. Dude, I started comedy when I was 19. And, like, nobody wants to hear what a 19-year-old has to say. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I feel like if I could go back, I would have just, like, gone harder. Yeah. Been more 19. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, how old are you now? I just turned 25. Wow, that's good.

That's a long time, dude, comedy. Yeah, dude. I was looking back on pictures like two days ago and i was like holy shit dude just like looking at the evolution of me just not changing at all it's just like a different fucking polo you know what i mean like i i legitimately dude like i was just looking at pictures i'm like i don't even think i've changed like yeah at all. Yeah, but your material.

Well, no, I've been telling the same joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just better, dude. I've been telling them fucking better, bro. I mean, I feel like, I don't know if you feel, I feel like you learn a lot, you know, as the years pass. But it's so imperceptible to you as a person because you're in it every night, right? And so the changes that you do tonight are so tiny. tiny yeah just trying to explain it to people is fucking impossible man especially like i was talking like one of my buddies like yeah i hate when people talk about

comedy and i'm like that's all i want to talk about right you know what i mean right i i was thinking about this earlier today when people from back home give like a little bit of interest there they'll be like oh how's it going or whatever and i'm like fucking ready to go i'm when people from back home give like a little bit of interest, they'll be like, oh, how's it going or whatever? And I'm like fucking ready to go. I'm like, oh yeah, cool. This is what I'm going to talk about for the next two hours.

And then I'm like, oh, they were just being polite. That was a one sentence answer that you're supposed to give them. Yeah. Like when you go to your hometown, they're like, yo, when's the next show? And you tell them.

Yeah. And you're like waiting for them to show up and they just never come. They just never come. You're just looking at the door you're like oh shit that was small talk dude there's so many like small uh small small things to talk about small things to examine about comedy yeah dude and two like you know you fucking i don't know i was listening to the to john mulaney on mark maron it's an old old episode I think like 2014 or something But he was talking about his

How he started out And dude it was Chill for John Mulaney I don't know if you guys know this John Mulaney had a swell time starting out in comedy Yeah he was pretty much He didn't do mics He just started opening up for Mike Birbiglia

And I was like oh man He didn't do mics. He just started opening up for Mike Birbiglia. Oh, shit. I was like, oh, man. The shit that we spend every waking hour talking to other people about. Yeah. It's like, that's what no one wants to hear about. Because there's a dude just fucking going for it. Yeah. Yeah.

That's wild, man. I didn't even know that. Yeah, it's wild. I didn't even know that was possible. Dude, do you think... He's probably just like this great i mean he's crazy talented you know yeah i feel dude like if you make one person laugh like i feel like all your friends are like dude when are you gonna be on tv oh my god what the fuck man hey man bro i was in uh i was in tanzania recently and uh they said that like so casually yeah yeah dude i was fucking there man i was I was in Tanzania recently. You said that so casually.

Yeah, yeah. I was fucking there, man. I was fucking there. You guys know Tanzania? It's fucking near Paris. I was over there, and I did some stand-up. And the comedians there, it's like the opposite of here. They have crazy high visibility. They make zero money.

Because there's only like five comedians in the country so they've all been on tv and radio but you know any given saturday show they don't make any money off of it yeah and they were asking me they were like looking at my instagram they're like hey man why don't you have you know 100 000 followers like we do and like what tv shows and radio shows have you been on i was like i haven't been on any and they're like oh okay like regretting that they got me on the show and shit yeah wow dude so like you didn't live up to their expectations well yeah exactly that's essentially yeah that must have been fucking i mean i would have been happy to be there dude i was happy i

mean and we had a great time it was a great show and shit but it was just like the complete opposite they were just like hey man what are your credits oh dude that's that's the fucking worst man yeah dude the i we don't have to talk about comedy that much dude but the thing that bothers me the most about comedy is people who say that they're comedians when they just do stand-up comedy that's like the number one thing i'm trying to think of what else bothers me that might just be it i think that's it that's just it i think those fucking kids need to be poor yeah somebody who says they're funny those are things i'll never say i'll never say i'm a comedian unless i do it for a living yeah i'll never say i'm funny i'll never say i crushed yeah those are like the top three things

oh that's the worst one dude I fucking crushed bro dude I fucking crushed yeah dude the laundromat was going fucking nuts bro these girls in the front in the front fucking row

were so fucking wet for me dude it was fucking crushing dude yeah dude that's uh definitely top three man yeah oh yeah put it

you gotta put it in your in your twitter bio yeah works at stand up comedy on your facebook profile yeah works at stand up comedy Definitely top three, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You've got to put it in your Twitter bio. Yeah. Works at stand-up comedy. On your Facebook profile. Yeah. Works at stand-up comedy. No, you don't.

You do DoorDash. Fuck, dude. Yeah. I was going to say something, like, super cool, dude, and I forgot, man. Well, it probably was really cool. Like, it was going to pop off. Was it going to make my night? Yeah, dude.

I'm disappointed, though. Comedy. Oh, yeah, dude. You it gonna make my night? Yeah, dude. I'm disappointed, though. Oh, yeah, dude. You said you went to Africa. Yeah. What the fuck, man? I know, bro. I used to live there.

I lived there 2017 and 2018 like for nearly a year. I was teaching after college. Yeah. So I went back to visit the people. It was supposed to be the graduation of the students that I had. You taught in Africa.

What did you teach? I taught computers to high school students. And then I taught anatomy and physiology to nursing students. And I taught, like, not officially, but I taught some sex ed and stuff to the high school students. Yeah, you showed them how it's done yeah yeah they got some fucking pieces out there yeah by taught i mean i demonstrated to high school students guys everyone taking notes i demonstrated you didn't you didn't show them how it's done well you know there's a couple discrepancies some of which are recorded some of

which aren't so how do you you. Were you certified to teach that class? No, not at all. It was just Africa. They needed teachers. I showed up. It's like a thing where you go to work. I studied biology and chemistry in high school. So you show up, and then you're like, what can I do?

And they're like, oh, we need a guy to do an intestinal obstruction surgery on this woman and you're like oh I can't do that and then they give you whatever else you qualify to do oh dude I would I would have gone fuck just be like dude I'll do open heart oh hell yeah baby you're just in there and they're like in the middle of the surgery they're like by the way could you forward us the diploma? Hey, man. Pass me that fucking scapel. We don't use scapels in this.

Guy's not even under. He's just screaming. Dude, did you, that's wild, man. Yeah. Like, you just told me you went to Africa, which is fucking insane. Then you told me that you taught in Africa. Dude, and then you told me you taught sex ed in africa yeah all within a matter of like three minutes yeah i'm supposed to like fucking comprehend that dude well i didn't do the open heart surgery so yeah man it was a fun

time did you do you feel like you feel good about it or like when you went to bed at night where they're like fucking ak-47s like going off. It was a relatively safe area. It isn't now, actually. When we went back, this is a place. So like northern Mozambique is where the fucking Al-Shabaab, who are like the ISIS guys. Like the guerrilla gangs? Yeah, the Africa version. Now they're fucking out there.

But no, when I was there, it was perfectly safe. From a terrorism standpoint. I mean, you get cholera and die. You get mauled by a baboon. Yeah. I feel like if they saw me, they'd just like kill me. Fuck this white boy. Oh, this is your friend?

Yeah. Yeah, I would show up with you and they'd be like, hey man, don't fight anybody. I feel like they might eat me, dude. Pretty thick, so. Put me on the barbecue, dude. We haven't seen that much meat in the fucking year. Dude, they eat, they catch these rats, these huge bush rats.

They're rats, I mean, they're just, but they live in the wild, so they're not diseased or whatever. They light the bush on fire, and then it scares them all to a certain area, and they gather them up in eights, and then they eat them. They don't skin them or anything. They just have fur and shit in the eights. Just eat them raw. They're screaming. Dude, we got rats outside in the dumpster, man. You got to give them a try, dog.

You got to go native, baby. My neighbor's just like, he's just like, on his way to work. You think I should go bow and arrow? I think you should. I was thinking bare hand. Yo, you think you could do that? Well, you could. I'm just saying, like.

Imagine just, like, walking out the door, dude, seeing me in, like, a green polo, dude. Squatting down, though? You've got to be squatting to do it, twisting it. I would honestly like, because they all go in the dumpster, dude. So if I was agile enough, dude, I could probably just jump in there and flail my arms around, probably grab something. Yeah, you could probably get three or four. You can knock a couple off the side. Just look my neighbor in the eye and be like, what's up, Jeff?

Don't fuck with me, Jeff. Yo, how's your fucking wife? You've got a rat in each hand. Yo, Jeff, I see you've been parking in my spot, Jeff. That'd be wild, dude. That would boost my rep, though. Yeah, I think it would. Hey, to the landlord.

Hey, the kid in 12. Hey, to the landlord, hey, the kid in 12, when's the last time you got rent from the kid in 12? Landlord's like, oh, I don't fucking, I don't go near him. He's just like typing the email. He's like, no, they won't believe this. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. I just don't, I don't fuck around, dude.

Yeah, I believe you. Imagine me telling him to like turn it down the next day. next day hey man you just turn it down like a little bit you still got a little bit of fur like on the side wearing the fucking rat is like a hat but it won't fit on your head so you gotta stitch like four of them together wait so do you cook them or do you what do you think are you or what do you think when this happens do you cook them or do you, what do you think? Are you a, what do you think? When this happens, do you go raw? Dude, honestly, man, I would do like a 40-yard sprint. I'd be wearing like this polo, just underwear.

You know what I'm saying? I would do like a 40-yard sprint, do like a somersault into the dumpster, a few dude and then like casually come out come out already chewing or you just have them no no it'd be there'd be a ritual i'd probably go out back like right by the train dude i'd probably get like a bonfire going play like some rolling stones like extra loud some people on their commute just looking out the window of the train the guy's talking next stop door dorchester he's just like on edibles can you imagine a dude in some tiny whiteys with that polo shirt on

cooking a rat bro his wife's like cheating on him Can you imagine a dude in some tiny whiteys with that polo shirt on? Cooking a rat, bro. His wife's like cheating on him. He's just trying to like enjoy life. Goes back to his paperback. Fuck. Yeah, man. Yeah, man.

You got to try rat. Yeah. I feel like if you're going to do anything, dude, you definitely want to make a statement. Yeah. Yeah. There's no half-assing when you're going native, dude. You've got to send this to the kids up in Africa, dude. Yeah, they'll love it. They will, yeah.

But that's wild, man. Like a year you lived there. I lived there a year, and then when I was visiting this past time, I visited for two weeks. I took my wife with me and they loved her. Did you have any cell phone service? Did your perception on life change at all? Yeah, a lot of things. Yeah, your perception on a lot of shit changes.

We had some cell service. We got Wi-Fi from time to time. Oh, wow. That was the main way I communicated with people back home. Yeah, it was wild, dude dude it was a good time you should go i still can't wrap my head around it like i like when you first told me i thought you were fucking with me dude really yeah i thought you were just fucking that would be a hilarious way to go someone think about think about like the average text message yeah like hey what's up fuck you you're just're right. You're just like, yeah, dude, I'm going to be in Africa. Yeah. So.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, if I was going to go somewhere, I would totally, like, make a, like you're talking about, make a statement if you're going to do anything. Yeah. Make a huge, like, ah. Say it with a straight face. Bro, I can't. Like, yeah, we're going on a vacation in Africa.

I'm going to be in Antarctica, dude. Huh? I'm going to be in Antarctica. No, I, yeah, it was a good time. You should go. You'd love it. I would go to Antarctica, dude. You would go to Antarctica?

You wouldn't go to Africa? I wouldn't pay for, like, a scuba suit, but if someone had one, they could, like, lend me. I would just want to get a picture with, like, the penguins, dude. Penguins are kind of nasty, huh? Yeah, dude. If you got a picture with them, though. If you got a picture with them. Yeah, I heard they fuck you up, dude.

Really? Yeah. They'll, like, attack you. They're super aggressive. Huh. Imagine just getting fucking poked with one of those things bro imagine if after you come out of the dumpster with the rats you also go back in and you grab a penguin jeff's like what the fuck is going on with this guy imagine having

a dude even just having a penguin as a pet yeah the way they walk the way they walk around they walk with too much confidence bro they look like they fuck shit up Really? Fuck you you know Yeah Dude they have happy feet too Which like kind of ruined everything Yeah It made them seem fluffy and sweet

Yeah Yeah I've been doing that with all animals Like even panda bears I heard they like really fuck you up Really? Yeah I heard they're super aggressive Yeah

Too many animals are portrayed as cute Yeah We should stop doing that I was talking to someone at work yesterday about ducks ducks fucking suck dude oh yeah ducks are like the main rapists of the animal kingdom point shitty animals what type of ducks we talking about like bro the male ones there's like swans and then there's ducks yeah they're all the same dude i don't like any birds especially the ones that swim fuck them really fuck all of them yeah they just they think they're

fucking hot shit they do they they look at you with like a lot of intelligence too they look at you like out of the side but it's like they're intelligent but they're also like dicks yeah they're looking at you like fuck you that's what they're always saying i feel a sense of arrogance yeah no they're arrogant they've gotten too big for their britches and it's uh it's disrespectful the way the ducks walk dude i feel like it's kind of like what a hoe she's got that limp like to the left she's limping to the left and all you're thinking is as soon as this bitch gets up to me and slap the shit out of her. Yeah. Yeah. Both hands. Same time.

Dude, I mean, dude, I watch a lot of Planet Earth and shit. Like, I don't know what they're talking about, but I definitely know when to, like, not fuck with an animal. Yeah. But people have always fucked with animals, dude. For some reason,

it's, like, funny as shit. You know what I mean? Are we still talking about the hoes, or... Same thing. Yeah, dude, people... People were always going up to them trying to pet them. Saw a video of someone the other day trying to pet a fox that was asleep. Fox woke up and looked at him like, hey, man, I will fuck you up. Yeah, that's, I wouldn't even like, honestly, maybe if this was back in the day, I'd probably do that.

Like in my head, I'd be like, it's a good idea. Back in the day. Now I'm just like, fuck no, dude. Once you get fucked up by one animal, it's like, I'm good, man. You know? But people, people, I don't like those people that think that, like, they're friends with animals. Oh, yeah. It's usually chicks.

Let's just be straight about that. Yeah. It's like animals, like i don't know for some reason animals when i'm around they feel like safe with me no dude animals are not your friend there's no animals that are our friends yeah i mean it's like those chicks who drive like subaru forsters yeah and they just slam on the brakes when a fucking squirrel goes by yeah yeah like put your life in danger right it's like dude i would have accelerated and then gone in reverse and gone back over and then

just first date dude yeah making eye contact with it the whole time hey what's up dude what what song would you play if you did that? I like what you said earlier about the stones. I'd probably play Beast of Burden while I'm making a lot of eye contact. Oh, shit. Yeah, you'd have to stop the car, though. And cue it up.

Cue it up, dude. And meanwhile, she's going, what are you doing? And the people behind you are honking. But you're like, this is going to be worth it. You're at like 8 RPms when the chorus is playing oh fuck yeah dude i think about that a lot when i'm in the car like doing something legendary to like a fucking good song which song it would be yeah yeah what have you come up with so far like some pairs like some examples like before before it used to be I'd be driving around, and I would imagine if like ACDC was playing, you shook me all night long,

and I just slowly lowered my window while I was playing. I'm getting hard. I see a fat chick, dude. She's going inside like David's bridal. I just give her a quick you know i'm saying dude flash flood warning bro you're wearing a leather jacket with nothing underneath it in this fucking but as of recently dude it's been a little more passive

Okay It's been like Sheryl Crow Sheryl Crow Soak up the sun Yeah well Not doge Casually peel out in like a Like a Michael's Crafts parking lot

Oh fuck yeah dude Oh man just like a parking lot Full of like middle aged women I don't know, man. She's all Crow Fox, dude. She does. She goes hard. If you are like Michaels or Joanne Fabrics, you might be new king of the street.

Yeah, for sure, especially that one over in Natick, man. They'll come out and they'll crown you. Tell me about it, dude. Yeah, dude. The one in Natick. Have you been to the Joannes in Natick? People. Have you guys not been to the Joannes in Natick people have you guys not been to the joannes and natick

what was it like when you went bro dude no joke i fuck with joannes fabrics dude joannes fabric there's something about it where you step inside and you're like i don't know if i'm in 2021 i could be in any this is you could be in the year one you could be in the year one you could be in any year when you're in there, and it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. First of all, you go into the Joann's there, there's a full parking lot. Always. Always full.

Like if on Google you looked under the reviews and it showed busy times, it would all be red. It would say always. Yeah. Right? There's a full parking lot, but for some reason when you go inside, there's not a lot of people. Never. So there's a full parking lot but for some reason when you go inside there's not a lot of people so there's that and then it's an acre it's a full acre they don't measure stores in acres but this inside of a joanne's is always an acre bro and there's people there's people touching each other like in the aisle yeah there's like a fat dude kissing an old lady i don't if i see a dude at joann fabrics

you know yeah i yeah and we're not judgmental guys yeah but yeah you gotta ask questions right like i just want to walk up to him and be like who hurt you you know who hurt you and also what you making yeah when you get out of here yeah when you get coffee what are you selling dude dude i went to uh i was making a a video on my instagram about uh clay cocks like when i was in high school i made a penis out of clay but it wasn't, like, any... Like, dude, it was a fucking masterpiece. Dude, I took everyone's clay.

Like, my whole table's clay. I took it. Dude, it was probably, like, five pounds. Massive piece, dude. But, dude, I was making an Instagram video of just, like, you know... It was just called, like, high school ceramics class. There's always that one kid who, like penis dude yeah but i went to michael's dude and i bought like so much clay dude and that's all i bought and they were like we know what you're doing

like i could i could feel it when i was checking out like i felt like there was like we we know you're the third one this week. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, that place, dude. No joke, dude. That place fucks, man. Smells good too, huh? Oh, dude.

Smells like plants and like expired pussy. It just smells like legit old lady pussy in like plants. That's like... Which are two of my favorite smells. It lady pussy in plants. Yeah. Which are two of my favorite smells. It's like chemistry 101. Yeah.

This is what they teach you. For all of our overseas listeners. We should make a candle like that, dude. Patent pending. Yeah. Joanne's Fabrics? Yeah. What would we call it?

Old pussy plant? And then like OPP? OPP, old pussy plant and then like OPP. OPP, old pussy plant. Joann's. You could make a good amount of money off that, dude. I think you would. There's a lot of candles I feel like should be a thing. Yeah, there's a lot of perverts out there

and they would like it. Yeah. Or just good old hometown people that like to go and joanne's me dude if you if you don't smell your farts can't trust you you're a lunatic yeah i uh yeah bro yeah you gotta you have to embrace it you have to yeah you have to linger if you're about to get out of the car and you fart you have to you have to take ownership of your own actions yeah you can't just walk away that's the problem with a lot of kids these days. They want to blame the government for their farts.

They want the government to come and bail them out. Like, if they fart, it's a new thing. It's all the left's fault. Yeah. No, it's unreal how political correctness is getting out of control. People don't take responsibility for their faults. Yeah, that would be a good lesson

to teach the kids in Africa. Yeah. Be like, I'm going to show you how to take accountability. Just crack one. Here's the problem with you fucking liberals. Yeah. Mr. Andrew, what is a liberal?

Just like, watch this shit. Yeah, dude. Fart in front of him. You'd be teacher of the year, dude. Yeah. For that and teaching sex ed yeah i'm going to demonstrate for you dude what was uh what was sex do you remember sex ed like when you were younger bro i was homeschooled i didn't get sex ed you were home i was homeschooled

dude yeah the shit you throw at me dude i don't know how to fucking react i know man how do you think i feel how how uh when did it start and when did it end the homeschoolinging? Yeah. Oh, man, it just never ends. It's just ongoing. Really? No, I was homeschooling my whole life up until college, so I guess kindergarten through 12th grade. Holy fuck. Yeah, dude.

How does that work, man? It's like your mom and your dad kind of teach you, and then you've got to pass the same tests at the end of the year that all the kids in the district have to pass. So did they just think they could do a better job yeah dude they fucking that kind of makes sense yeah for the area that i was in like we moved there when i was three or whatever we were in charlotte and then we moved to like the the country and like the local high school bro this place was wild people used to like

haul dead deer carcasses up onto the flagpole every weekend as like a prank they would like take their track drive their tractors into school like they have like

guns mounted up on the back of their truck so like real rednecks real proper like hardcore shit yeah yeah it was like one of the worst schools in the entire state

wow my parents were like fuck that dude so they homeschooled I've got five brothers and sisters so they homeschooled all six of us. That's wild, man.

Yeah. Yeah, it's all right. But you like took it seriously, though. Like you had to like. Yeah, man. You got to. Because you got to pass all the same tests that everyone else has to pass. Yeah.

Otherwise. So like, damn, dude, you missed a lot of shit, man. Yeah, bro. I missed out on a lot of shit, bro. I didn't speak English. I'm just thinking about like all. I didn't speak English until I was 14. You fucking with me? That'd be hilarious yeah i just imagined you being like nah dude i spoke latin

bro i took i took four years of latin really yeah i talk about this a lot but dude i took latin college bro i dropped the class for like five days shit was wild i was like there's no spaces they were like no like fuck this Wait, did you go to Catholic school? Why were you taking Latin? You or I? Oh. I think, I don't know. The way you sign up for classes, you have to be super quick, man.

Oh. And, dude, I was probably high. I was probably just like, fuck it, man. I'll take whatever. This shit sounds awesome. Everyone else is using, like, rate my professor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in the easy fucking

classes dude i'm taking fucking latin dude this guy looks like you're taking like the 405 level dude this guy looked like fucking i don't even know man this guy looked like jesus bro his hair was like his hair was down to his dick dude he was fucking all the chicks guy fucking sucked bro three days dude i remember just being high in the parking lot i'm like i'm'm going to drop Latin. And then I got an email. They were like, if you drop this, you're like a part-time student. I was like, fucking, I guess that's how it's going to be.

You know what I mean? I can't do this, dude. Dude, I can't deal with Jesus trying to fuck my mom. That's what I wrote in the email. Yo. Yo. What's up, fuckboy? Part-time student.

Yeah, I'm just thinking about all the shit, like, not in like a dick way, dude, but you missed a lot of shit. I missed out on a lot, man. I wanted to play sports. Yeah, no, just normal shit. Just kids yelling penis. Dude, you missed Lifetime movies. Well, no, that happened. My mom would do that shit.

Wake me up every morning. Penis! Yeah. You got to make it happen somehow, dude. Yeah, man. Yeah, she's a sweet lady. Big penis. She's doing what's right for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She cares about us. Yeah. Yeah, man. Homeschooling. Not a lot of homeschoolers in Massachusetts. Yeah. It's just too densely populated.

Yeah. Too smart. Less smart people in Massachusetts. It's one of the it's just too densely populated. Yeah, too smart. Less smart people in Massachusetts. It's one of the higher educated states, huh? That's what they tell me. Yeah. I don't know, man. It's, dude, it's so like, everything's really, not divided, but depending on what area you're in.

Yeah. I feel like it's like that everywhere, but it's pretty extreme here, dude. Yeah. Especially with comedy, man. You go up to Cambridge no one's gonna laugh at your dick jokes dude but you go to fucking Southie bro they love the dick jokes

you know what I'm saying it's crazy like within a two mile radius go out you know just to Framingham and I'm seeing rebel flags flown on the back of trucks

yeah Framingham's a fucking butthole dude I used to deliver for Amazon in Framingham dude really I would just throw packages on people's roofs dude Fucking assholes man It sucks It's a fucking shithole dude

It's a crazy place Massachusetts is the only place that is like that probably Well I guess any city In the world is like I mean like dude even like Like Dunkin Donuts Is like a staple here dude Like I go to Dunkin Donutsuts is a staple here, dude. I go to Dunkin' Donuts just for the camaraderie.

But, dude, you go to Cambridge, nobody's going to Donkeys, dude. They're going to fucking Starbucks. Because they think they're better than everyone else. Exactly. It's just division, dude. That's all it is, man. That's what it is. It's tearing this country apart.

Do you know who I bet drinks Starbucks? Who? Joseph Biden. You think so? I bet you Joe Biden drinks Starbucks. I bet you there's a Dunkin' Donuts in the White House and he still orders Starbucks. What do you think he gets? Bro, he gets a fucking vanilla iced.

Venti Pussy Pop? Yeah. He gets a fucking. Extra feelings? Yeah. He gets. Yeah, broussy Popper 350Z. Yeah, he gets a fucking... Extra feelings? Yeah, he gets... Yeah, bro. He gets a pussy... What was it that we decided?

He gets an old pussy... Venti Pussy Popper 350Z Extra feelings. Yeah, bro. That's what he gets. Yeah. I bet you Trump

got a tall ice black coffee. Oh, yeah, dude. Straight black. Fucking cold, dude. Sigma Oh, yeah, dude. Straight black. Fucking cold, dude. Sigma male grind set, dude. Can I drink one of these? Yeah, dude.

They're for you, man. Oh, fuck, dude. What if... Dude, I got you two. Do you need one? Dude, usually I get people one, but, dude, once I heard you were coming, I was like, I gotta get him two, man.

You're a good man, man. I don't deserve this yeah but do we got to talk about comedy like how you got into it yeah man nobody wants to hear about how you got into comedy but fuck you i want to fucking hear about it bro i mean dude just like the show you're saying it's kind of wild that you ended up well not it's not really that wild that you're like you know's kind of wild that you ended up. Well, it's not really that wild that you're like, you know, that kind of like spells out comedy. Yeah. Twisted childhood. Yeah.

Yeah. When did you start? I started right after I moved here. I was 25, 24 at the time. I started on my 25th birthday. Okay. I got married and then we moved up here and then I started three months later. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. I always wanted to do it. I didn't know that you just could. Like as a kid, I just assumed that someone saw you being funny one day and then they gave you opportunities. I had no sense of like, Oh, you just go to open mics and just start doing it.

So I Googled open mics in Boston. I don't know if you know this, but it's infuriating. When you Google open mics, there's really only like one result and it's the comedy studio. So I was going to the comedy studio in Somerville for like every week

for like four months. You like it there? Yeah, I do. I mean, the fucking old mic was a nightmare because there were 70 people on it every week yeah so you had to be there two hours early to get a spot why do you think it was such a hot commodity i guess because it's like a real club and it's of all the real clubs it's the only real club that um has a mic and so everyone was kind of assuming that if you do well enough you'll

get enough attention that you can get spots at the club, which is true-ish, but also it's still too crowded to be almost worth it for you. I mean, your approach is probably way better than a lot of people's. What was your first start? I used to make these Snapchat videoschat videos dude in high school i was always random dude yeah like i was always like a kid who like i was like morbidly obese and i would always do shit that no one else wanted to do like someone would be like dude like ride your bike into that dude's garage and i'd be like i don't want to and they'd be like do you want to hang out with us i'd be like all right fine like i was always fucking getting hazed every day

and i was talking the last podcast was talking about this this is a thought i had uh not too long ago man so like when i was growing up my dad worked with special needs adults and he would invite them over for dinner and at that point in my life, I didn't really put the pieces together. I thought it was just like a normal day just throwing stuff at my neighbor's house. And these are like adults that I'm doing this with. We're just swinging golf balls at houses and shit. Dude, you're imprinting from your debts.

This is incredible. Okay. And I'm thinking about it now. You're imprinting from your debts. This is incredible. Okay. And like, I'm thinking about it now, like my sense of humor. Like a lot of it definitely, without a doubt, stems from that. Like just random shit. Fucking farts. You know, just like random shit, dude.

I just think it's hilarious. You know what I mean? So like that's what i was thinking about but when i started comedy i used to make these snapchat videos like snapchat was a big thing snapchat was like tiktok right is now right back in high school for for those of you because we have a young fan base yeah yeah so you guys you kids don't understand. Snapchat was the old vine. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good way of putting it. But, dude, I would make these Snapchat videos of just, like,

the first one I ever made was me yelling vagina at both of my friends. And they were both laying on my bed. And that hit it, dude, that crushed. So I just started making these Snapchats, that made no sense dude yeah like some of them were me launching a potato launcher uh i was talking to a girl about this yesterday i made one i was uh reenacting a girl getting like a cum shot to the face yeah but it was like with a fucking like a hair removal cream so like my face literally burnt. Dude, literally just random Snapchat. Bro, you gotta commit though.

And I made a compilation, dude. Put it on YouTube. Pretty much the whole high school saw it, man. And I remember, I was like, dude, I'm gonna do comedy. So I call this guy up who books a bringer show.

I'm like, yo, dude. No joke, I'm like, yo, dude, I don't know if you know me, bro, but I'm like Snapchat famous, dude. know if you know me bro but like i'm like snapchat famous dude i want you to check out my youtube video this guy this guy was so fucking lost dude he's like this 60 year old italian guy wait i know that i know you're talking about the bringer show over but that was like dude that's how fucking i was like 18 or 19 then and like i mean dude

oh that's the confidence you need though dude that's fucking i was like dude he's going to snapchat i was like dude so when can i like you know when can i like do my own show here headline dog yeah i'm trying to fucking headline a saturday that lasts like a week you know what i mean but i would have never then, dude, I never would have been like, oh, we got to like go to open mics and like. Wait, where were you at the time? I was in Rhode Island, dude. So you could go to mics there.

Did you go to mics there? Not really, dude. Yeah. No. Fuck them, dude. I was just fucking back and forth, man. Super, super young and like trying to like fucking figure shit out yeah you know it's confusing when you're in college dude you're

doing that right yeah because it's always like back and forth it's like i want to do this i mean that's what comedy is honestly like for me i'm just like i fucking love this fuck why am i doing this right and it's just like that back and forth for like years at a time and then you know there's never it's like peaks and valleys man like you're never just like yeah it's never just like dude it's never just like this is a good job and it's working out fine every day it's just like confusion dude yeah dude and so followed by self-hatred and reassessment yeah people don't understand that dude no they don't tell someone you bombed they're like you blew shit up it's like no dude no dude i i hated myself for about six hours last evening yeah there's a lot of pressure too man you know fucking yeah this is what it is man you gotta

yeah you gotta make money you gotta make money somehow if you're not making a comedy. Yeah. You gotta make bills, dog. Bro, you gotta sell whole. Whole? You gotta sell whole to make money. Bro, we gotta sell some fucking candles is what we gotta sell. Did you paint these? I painted Tupac with my cock. This looks like a cock painting.

I got the paint from Joe on Fabrics. His eyes are like, you painted me with your cock, didn't you? It's fucked. R.I.P. Yep. I can't wait for people to watch this and just see McLovin right next to you. Just watch five seconds. We probably look a lot alike based on the distortion of his face.

Oh, I can see it in the thing now. I have to iron that, dude. I've never used an iron before, to be honest. You don't gotta iron it. I don't think you can even iron this type of material. This is like... You don't think so? Maybe you can't.

Fucking, I don't know either, dude. Start a fire. Bro, I don't iron either. What do you think I got a wife for? Dude, why'd you get married so early, if you don't mind me asking? Yeah, it was arranged by our parents. No. We met in college. Can't tell if you don't mind me asking i don't yeah it was arranged by her parents um no we met in college can't tell if you're fucking this kid went to africa suddenly he's in arranged marriages i don't know what the

fuck's going on dude no we met in college and um tell me dude give me the details man how'd you fucking when was the first time you saw our dude and what went on like what how'd you feel bro i got butterflies in my dick dog really yeah damn bro you ever have butterflies in your dick like once a year really yeah around christmas it doesn't it doesn't start as a butterfly though oh this is a i see what you're talking about. Like it grows into a butterfly. Oh, okay, okay. I thought we were talking about a herpes flare-up. Yeah. It's all subjective. Yeah, man, we met.

How old were you when you met? 19. Okay. I was 19, she was 18. Wow, dude. Yeah, young people. Were you rocking the Air Jordans at that time? No, dude. Not even close. I was homeschooled, bro. I was 19. She was 18. Wow, dude. Yeah. Young people. Were you rocking the Air Jordans at that time? No, dude.

Not even close. I was homeschooled, bro. I was like, what? I was still learning English, dude. Yeah. I showed up. I knew her roommate back in middle school. We were friends back at the time, so she introduced us.

And we hit it off. We started dating not long after, like a few months after wow dude so we were dating when do you remember the first time you saw her though yeah i do i do it was like the fucking it was the what do you call it when you arrive as a freshman in college orientation Orientation? Yeah, but like the ceremony they do. Matriculation. Matriculation. I don't even know what the fuck that means, dude. Yeah, dude, they do.

It sounds like fucking surgery, dude. Yeah. Bro, we were in matriculation, and they were doing, they were cutting me open. No. Yeah, so she was with this girl that I knew from, from middle school.

You were homeschooled. Yeah, but, like, you still meet people. You're not, like, you don't get chained up at night. My boy's fucking. Yeah, dude. Your boy was out there. Yeah. Yeah.

You were just, like, the homeschool kid who fucked. Yeah. Man, bro. There's a lot of those. I bet you, well, okay, there's not a lot of them. It's like, yo, where do you go to school? At home, bitch. Yeah.

Yeah. I ain't leaving. You trying to go there? Yeah. You trying to come over to my school? Yeah. You trying to fuck at lunch? Yeah, bro.

So, you fucking, you had matriculation? I You had matriculation I was at matriculation I saw her from across the room I knew the girl she was with So I was like This is easy money dog I can go But I can introduce myself

Because I already know her So I went up And I told them both That they look nice That's the move Damn bro Don't just tell one of them They look nice

Even if it's true Sorry if you're listening to this Yeah Yeah How'd you say it Like sexually Yeah I was like I was like Bitch you got that fatty even if it's true sorry if you're listening to this yeah yeah how'd you say it like sexually yeah i was like i was like bitch you got that fatty man no i told him like they look good and and shit and like good evening and whatnot i said you look good good evening oh that's fucking

yeah that's fucking and then we hung out and then uh would hang out together. And then like six months later, I was like, what's up? Wow. Yeah. And then we got married. Port-a-potty. Yeah. Yeah, bro. Fucked in the woods.

Dude, if you got married that early, like not being judgmental, like it must have, like you must have crushed it. Yeah, dude. Like match made in heaven, dude. Bro. Yeah, you don't. Well well it's also i guess normal for a lot of kids that come out of the situation that i'm from yeah small town catholic school yeah homeschooled get married yeah bro like if becky's sucking dick you know about it yeah yeah

you know you know yeah you know frankly and i don't want to be judgmental because we're not judgmental guys, but you know if Jeremy's sucking dick too. Fucking Jeremy, man. Dude, you know if anyone's sucking dick. That's wild, man. You trying to get married? No, I'm trying to do the exact opposite. I might go down the gay path at some point.

Oh. Well, they can get married these days. I know. I'm not happy about it either. We're kidding. We're very supportive. Bro. Dude, that's...

That scares me, bro. You know? Yeah. Why? Why is that scary? You can just do whatever you want dude because i'm just like a free man dude like you know what i mean like i'm so independent dude like i feel like if i dude if i had a girlfriend or some shit man i couldn't just like have those

freelance thoughts where i'm just blasting acdc like drinking a fucking cold brew dude bro just thinking about shit that doesn't even matter. Like what if scenarios. Yeah, because women don't respect like they used to. Yeah, man. I just feel like I can't be myself around like most females. Like if I go on a date my boys are like, dude, just don't be yourself. I'm like, alright, bro. That's fair.

Do you do a lot of dating these days or are you just soloing it right now? I've never done a lot of dating, dude. Yeah. I'm like really, dude, I'm like super loyal to myself. You know what I'm saying? Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck, dude.

I haven't took a day off from a spanking since it started. You know what I'm saying? Atta boy. So I'm trying to stay true to that. Yeah. Dude, I just like... Because you would feel betrayed. I feel dead inside, dude, if I can't be myself, man.

Yeah. Like even if I was like in front of the Pope, I'd be like, what's up? Yeah. What's up, Pope? I've been spanking. Yeah. Yeah. Like if he was like, yo...

He'd be like, what do you mean? I don't understand. Like I just feel like like no matter who i'm around dude i'm always gonna be myself yeah and i just feel like sometimes like not in a bad way i mean it's in a bad way like sometimes girls take that away from you dude oh they're like oh you're gonna fucking you're gonna laugh right now this shit's fucking funny yeah it's like yeah yeah no not that but yeah We'll cut that out. Yeah. Hey, man, how do you think I'm here tonight?

Realistically, dude, it's all like internal, man. I feel like I should probably wait it out. That's what Mother Nature is telling me. Yeah. She's like, maybe when you're older. Well, she's a wise woman. Yeah. Maybe like, because they call it settling down.

And I feel like, you know, like I don't want to settle down. Yeah. Like I want to, dude. You it settling down. And I, you know, like, I don't want to settle down. Yeah. Like, I want to, dude. You got shit to do. I want to gas it up, bro. Bro, bro, bro. You're trying to jump into dumpsters. I'm trying to throw hard-boiled eggs at the wall, dude. Yeah.

And not clean it up. Yeah. That's what I'm trying to do. Yeah. It's got to be done. I hope that answered your question, dude. It does. A hundred percent.

Yeah. A hundred percent. And I've got your back, too. Does that upset you, dude? What? That you don't want to get married? Yeah. No.

I feel like I just broke your heart, dude. Bro. Not even a little. Bro, I'm on your team, dog. I'm boiling the eggs for you. Yeah. How does your wife feel? How do you guys...

Because I feel like you could probably convince me to do it. You'd have to have some good reasons. What, do I have to offer you one of my sisters? I don't know what... Convince you to just marry anyone? That was what I was trying to get to. Well, there's only one single one left. You better get at it.

Fuck, dude. Your wife's chill about you doing comedy, though? Yeah, she loves it. She's super supportive. She. Fuck, dude. Yeah. Your wife's, like, chill about you doing comedy, though? Yeah, she loves it. She's super supportive. She helps me out, actually, a lot. See, like, that's what I was trying to get at. Yeah. Like, I wouldn't want a distraction.

I would want someone who's supportive. It's common, huh? Yeah. I mean, and it's not like I don't get it. It's not like, whoa, what the fuck? But a lot of people already in the past three years that I've known have either quit comedy for this significant other or have broken up because of it. It's all pussy, dude. Yeah.

Pussy can fuck you up, dude. It's crazy, huh? Isn't that wild? It's the main reason that a lot of us, people don't understand this either, is the main reason that a lot of us developed uh being funny in the first place because we're just like competitive and we realized we weren't going to be attractive or as big as our friends like dude my friends growing up were fucking animals my brother's super handsome and an athlete and then yeah fuck fuck him by the way and then our two friends they're both like Navy SEALs now.

Wow. They're just crushing, dude. And I was like, I'm not going to go anywhere with ladies if I can't be funny. It's like the whole thing. Yeah, man, I wish I could relate to that. But you were crushing. I don't think girls find me funny, dude. That's bullshit, dude.

They were laughing. Dude, I feel like part of being funny around girls is, like, fucking confidence. I remember one time, dude, I had a crush on this chick, and my friend was dating her, dude. And I was, like, so upset, dude. And he would make her laugh, but it was just all confidence. Like, he would take a basketball and just throw it as hard as he could at the backboard and he would do that over and over again and she would like laugh her ass off oh she sounds stupid i just got that fucking hoop dude you know what i'm saying like he fucked up my rim and shit all for that oh pussy dude well she

sounds dumb so fuck her she's watching i'm like oh my god do it again oh my god that's hilarious yeah she's got that fucking hoop for Christmas, dude. Trying to ball up and shit. Fucking missing threes by like four feet. Because of this fucking asshole, dude. That's fucked up. I want to make that into a movie. That's like the beginning of a porno.

You're not the main character, by the way. He's the main character. Oh, really? Yeah. Dude, that would be a good beginning to like a porno. Oh, yeah. And then she's like... Dude, call...

Why didn't she do that to my Mac board? Yeah. Balls is life. Just fucking... Oh, fuck. I like porno. I like porns where... Oh, my God.

Do it again, but do it to my fucking pussy. I like porn where the girl is like a foot taller than the guy. And that's how I'm imagining this. For some reason, I'm imagining like you guys, but she's like a foot taller. You hear that type of stuff? I just think it's funny, yeah. So he can like eat her out while like... While standing?

Yeah. He's like, fuck you. What are those things called when you like you like uh get down on like both knees uh it's an execution i was thinking about some exercise it's like supposedly good for your knees yeah yeah the bench press i think Bench press, I think. Yeah, but dude, I don't know, man. It's weird.

Like I said, dude, if you have somebody who's super supportive, man, you might tear up a little bit. Yeah. That's dope, man. Yeah. I just feel like there's so many dudes out there who are just like straight up pussy whip, dude. It's like they signed a contract with that woman's vagine dude it's strange yeah it's like dude you just signed a deal with the devil bro it's like and also you know

it's like i want how good is it like how good could it possibly be for you to be i mean dude like you could always go to the supermarket dude for you to be. I mean, dude, you could always go to the supermarket, dude. Get a pair of frozen chicken breasts. Bro. Microwave them bitches.

Put them in a plastic bag. Olive oil on the outside. And then you could do comedy, dog. Yeah. I'd be straight fucking. Yeah. This is beginning to sound more and more like my wife does what I say. Is what you guys talk about? Which she does.

Wait. My wife and I talk about this. I just imagine you guys talking about this at like the dinner table. Yeah. She's like, honey, why are these chicken breasts? They seem to be already cooked and like a little tough. Yeah. Yeah.

I fucked them. I used to tell my friends like i would think about that when i was at the supermarket just like smashing breasts and what they said they were like super disturbed really yeah dude they were just like i feel like they were lying they were like dude i wouldn't even like be able to think about that if i tried and i was like dude that's an easy thought for me bro what are you talking about first thing that comes to mind it's lunacy to not think of it first of all you start when you wait when you do your shopping do you wait first of all when you do your shopping where do you start do you start in produce and then go east or do you start i usually start in produce yeah so if you're in produce you tell

your friends what you've never thought about grabbing a pumpkin and carving a small hole in it and fucking the shit out of a pumpkin yeah no pumpkin would definitely be up there it depends though and they're gonna judge you about a chicken breast it depends how it's cut but the chicken breast the penis that shiny feeling ah you know what i'm saying yeah that's that shiny look that a breast gives off it's fleshy yeah you're just like immediately dude my brain goes fuck it yeah you know what i'm saying yeah dude i'm just being honest it's got to be done just squash them together dude you control the tightness yeah even just like

yeah do you put anything on it or are you just going in raw dude you're not lubing up your chicken breast I'd be there like late at night like 9 or 10 at night so you've already made a couple bad decisions yeah there's nothing in my cart

I take a quick glimpse around looking to see if anyone's looking I might fluff it up a little bit before I take it out just because I'm insecure in my cart right i take a quick glimpse around looking to see if anyone's looking yeah i might fluff it up a little bit before i take it out just because i'm insecure and then that's when i get to doing it i would have to line them up though uh-huh i like to um you're painting a picture I like that you're painting a picture. Fuck.

See, like, imagine me telling a chick that. Yeah. You're like, yo, my boy's super funny. I call her the next day. Hey, Lindsay, how was the date? You fucking asshole. Oh, this is what I was trying date? You fucking asshole. Oh, this is what I was trying to say in the beginning. Yeah.

The voice you do on stage. Yeah. That's a dude I used to work for. What voice? There's like a voice you do when you're like doing an impression of like a- Like Chad? Yeah. Hey, what's up, dude? No, like even like a little more high-pitched.

Like, bro, I'm telling you like 100% bro. We're going to get in there. We're going to get some fucking bitches, dog. It's Chad, dude. Yeah, dude. I used to work for that guy, and he always used to say 100%, no matter what he was talking about. Full send. Yeah, he would be like, I would be like, hey, man, how'd it go today?

He'd be like, honestly, Vickers, 100%. Like, you're out there. Like, you're doing your thing, dude. And you like, you gave 100%, and I gave 100%, and, like, 100% we're on top of the world right now. That's a key term. Dude, it was tight. Yeah, straight gas, dude. Fucking, fucking.

Dude, the other thing I would fuck is, like, a bowl of mashed potatoes. A bowl? Yeah, dude. I was thinking about this today, dude. Because, like, I've been getting kind of emotional lately Just putting like a bowl of mashed potatoes By my window Like while the train goes by

Have like a few candles lit dude Like the light The lights are dim And I just I just drop my fucking piece Into the mashed potatoes dude And fuck it Yeah but dude

As the train goes by It's And fuck it. Yeah, but dude. As the train gets by. It's not quiet, though. Dude. So get this, dude. The lights are dim. I have a bowl of mashed potatoes. Wait, wait, wait. First of all, what song is playing?

Oh, I haven't gotten to that yet. Okay, okay. Yeah. Dude, the lights are dim, bro. Like, you can see, but it's's intimate and then there's like a few there's like five we'll do like an even number there's six candles and they're assorted so it's like two two two yeah dude i have a bowl of mashed potatoes and it's like it's not hot but it's like warm yeah and it's like a big bowl too dude and there's like a good amount of butter on it but like not too much right

dude then that's when i put on cheryl crow and i wait for the chorus dude once the chorus hits once she says i'm gonna soak up the sun I'm gonna tell everyone to lighten up that's when I drop my balls in and I just let them sit dude for like you soak the balls in the butter yeah

I was thinking about like 60, 70 seconds maybe yeah but it's like warm dude it's like a warm it's a warm feeling wow I'm hard as a rock right now

yeah but think about the thoughts that would be going on in your head, dude. Yeah, I'd feel like... I feel like I just made it. I'd feel safe. That warm feeling, dude. Yeah.

Like, really. I feel like I was at the finish line. Yeah. Yeah. You feel like you don't have to try anymore. Yeah. Do you think the people passing by in the train would applaud? Do you think they would clap?

If I saw that, honestly, bro, between me and you, I'd be like, dude, that guy's a fucking hero. I wouldn't be upset at all. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because he's not harming anyone. He's just trying to get in the vibe. No, he's trying to feel...

He's chasing a feeling. He's trying to feel safe, yeah. No, and that's what we're all doing. These people passing by on the train, you can't be judgmental about that because it's like, hey, Jerry, you try and feel safe by working your job. Yeah.

This guy, this kid tries and... The spreadsheets make you feel safe, dude. I get mashed potatoes at home, dude. Mashed with butter. Yeah, fucking warm shit, dude. And Sheryl Crow. Mashed. I eat at home, dude. With butter. Yeah. Fucking warm shit, dude. And Sheryl Crow. Dude, the thing is, if they were cold or hot, that would just fuck everything up. See, I think I would be playing Everyone Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears, and

I would be singing along. Wow. And it would be more like a power thing. Okay. It would be a little more aggressive? It would be more aggressive. I feel like, and maybe this is kind of fucked up in my head, but I feel like I have to show the potatoes. Like, I have to show them.

Before they're mashed? Whose boss? No, no, no. I mash them. Okay, so they're already mashed. They're mashed. I'm fucking them. Okay.

But I'm not being sweet about it. Oh, okay. It's not romantic. Like, you're tearing it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm making a mess there's potatoes everywhere are you like upset yeah i think i'm upset i think i don't really like potatoes when it comes out are you like asserting your dominance i think it's a little

bit above i think it's twisted i think i think it i think i don't really i don't it's not that i don't like potatoes but i'm not in love with potatoes. How much of a mess are you making? Are there any potatoes left in the bowl when you're done? Well, that's a veiled question asking how big my dick is, isn't it? Yeah. That's what you're doing, really. I just wanted to know. That's what you're doing.

Are you touching the bowl? Am I holding on to the sides of it? Because when I pictured it, I pictured the bowl being stationary. Because I don't want to fuck with the bowl. I just want it to be like, I want to be one with the bowl. I think I'm grabbing the sides of the bowl. Really? You're fucking railing it, dude.

I'm railing the potatoes. Just fucking mashed potatoes flying everywhere? Yeah, I think so. Damn, dude. Would you hit it on the course? Or you just start from the beginning? There's no foreplay? Just fucking... No, I think I hit it on the course. I think I hit it on... I had Or do you just start from the beginning? There's no foreplay? Just fucking...

No, I think I hit it on the chorus. I think I hit it on... I had to think about it for a second. I had to think about how I would feel. Yeah. No, I'm hitting it on the chorus. Yeah. Yeah, man.

I mean, dude, you might as well just like fucking... Just fuck to like satanic music. Or some Tupac. What's your music taste? Are you a big ACDC guy? I can see this. Just like a big oldies guy. Big oldies?

Classic rock? I like like the Stones and like ACDC and like Tupac and Biggie and shit. Okay. Like if I was going to peel out to a song, like that would be it. I think about like if I was going to out to a song like that would be it i think about like like if i was gonna die to a song you know what i mean like it would have to be like a you ever think about getting pulled over and like you're playing a good song and the cops like all right bro like yeah i'll let you off the hook yeah you got 50 pounds of fucking cocaine you're playing some song some anti-cop song probably no i was thinking just like a song that reminded him of his childhood.

Oh, yeah. Like he was hanging out with Becky and it was like Camaro and shit. Like he finger banged her. And now Becky's fat. Yeah. She's got like a fucking piece of shit husband who works in accounting. Comes home late every night. He's like, dude, I'll let you off the hook, man.

He's bald. Yeah. Bro, I've been drinking the shit out of this water. Can I take a break and piss or will that kill our momentum? No, I think it would kill everything, dude. I don't know if I can do that. Yeah, dude, after like a week, you don't even hear it. Does it wake you up at night?

I've been having some fucked up dreams, but yeah, I've been struggling to sleep for some reason. Really? Yeah, I think i might actually have like an issue fuck new drugs dude just the same ones i think just life man yeah sometimes like the train i don't hear it anymore i think like a week or two in you just kind of get used to it but you just don't know how much it's fucking you up you know what i mean like it could be fucking me up and i just don't know yeah you know what i me up. You know what I mean? Like, it could be fucking me up, and I just don't know. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But, yeah. So it's waking you up in the middle of the night. Fuck. Just thinking about that chicken, dude. Yeah, now I'm thinking about it, too. Yeah, man, I don't even know how people are going to react.

You know what I mean? I didn't see the podcast going this way, but I'm happy it went this way, dude. Me, too. The thing I was thinking about just now, though, is I don't think I've ever seen fresh, not frozen chicken breasts in a pack of two. So what that means is I've seen them in packs of like four, six, and eight. Yeah. So you've got to bring a buddy. Yeah, dude.

Not many of you call. Yeah. You've got to have at least two to three dudes fucking next to you. I feel like two would be like a good number. Yeah. Three is kind of aggressive. Yeah. Because if you're like, hey, it's my boy, like we're going to tear it up, that's kind of cool.

But if you're like, yo, these are my boys, it just doesn't make it as exciting. It's not as exciting. And you do run the risk of three people not being able to stay in rhythm. With two, you can stay in rhythm. Yeah, dude, you can be fully synchronized. Bro, can you imagine? You could tear it up, bro. In the aisles of the grocery store?

Yeah. Fucking in unison? Dude, imagine that news report the next day. Just have it all on video. That's right. Two young men fucking in complete synchronization. Back to you in the studio. If I was watching that though

on the news i'd be like dude they were like fully synchronized that's cool yeah that you even if you're disgusted if you're an old church lady and you're clutching your pearls and you're disgusted there's some part of you deep down that's like but they were doing at the same time yeah that's pretty cool just like one single tear falls down in your eye dude we're doing like 30 to life the judge was like you have any last words I was like

we were in sync imagine like the lawyer's reaction it was like your honor I rest my case they were in sync jury finds you not guilty dude do you ever think about like being in a situation It was like, your honor, I rest my case. They were in sync. Jury finds you not guilty.

Dude, do you ever think about being in a situation like that? It's super serious. And you say something super straightforward, but means a lot. Yeah. What are you supposed to do? I think about that all the time. I think about being in court all the time. Like being the fucking accused person.

For like a fucking hilarious case though. Like it's like a super funny situation, but you have like a straight face. And there's like a deeper meaning behind it. And you're being super, yeah, yeah, you're being super heartfelt. Yeah. I don't even know what would be like... I think fucking chicken breasts is a good example. Another one could be body slamming rats in your dumpster.

Yeah. If you explain that to a judge with a straight face and he laughed, like you could probably use that against him. Yeah. Yeah, your final statement could be... That'd be super chill though if he was like, listen, you're going to do like 30 to life,

but if you want to get a beer after this, dude,'s on me you know i'm saying bro it's crazy man how like serious most people are but like at the end of the day they just want to have like a shoot the shit conversation a good time yeah like nobody wants to talk about the weather dude can you imagine people serious people who are serious all the time i see them a lot and i'm like i'm so happy i'm not like that yeah but like i mean i mean um you know i mean like do you think they really are or do you think they let loose i think they are and i think they don't realize it damn because like if i get i don't really get mad a lot but when i do i'm like dude you don't you don't want to be like that yeah you know what i mean yeah no yeah eventually yeah after 10 minutes

you're like that's who yeah who's talking but there's definitely people like that who just like i feel like they know but i don't think there's like another outlet for them you know what i mean because they probably don't have a coping mechanism. That in and of itself is hilarious. That is their coping mechanism. Yeah. Just being pissed. Just fucking screaming at people at fucking supermarkets. Fucking throwing a jar of apple cider vinegar at someone.

Yeah, bro. That's like, that's key for me, dude. Moving forward in life is just finding like coping mechanisms. The humor, yeah. Yeah. That's kind of hilarious in and of itself, dude. Yeah. That's kind of hilarious in and of itself, dude. Yeah, like, dude, if, like, smashing chicken breasts, like, if that kept me sane and, like, a good person, like, you know. You've got to do it.

You have to do it. At some point, yeah. You just have to accept. At some point, it would be selfish of the people who try to arrest you. The question is, yeah, just in public or not. But what if in public is the thing that's keeping you sane? Dude, who do you think would look funnier?

Like doing the chicken breast? Me for sure, dude. Because, because when I'm getting into it, I'll tell you why, because I'm real skinny and pale. That's the first thing.

But when I'm getting into it also, right. Yeah. As we're, as we're, we're in the aisle and we're synchronized as I'm getting into it also, right? Yeah. As we're in the aisle and we're synchronized, as I'm getting into it, my hair is going to come down in my face like this. Oh, yeah. Like that.

Yeah, dude. It's going to be really fucked up. Because I'm thinking about the guy who's working there. Yeah. And you walk up to him with a straight face. And you're like, yo I'm gonna fuck these chickens I see she'll be like yo man

you have any chicken breasts that are like good for fucking you have to say with a straight face dude the guy the guy working the night shift is so over it anyway just like as a person he's like yeah man these yeah honestly man it was like midday

though yeah no they'd be upset those people those people never fuck chicken no you know what he would do he'd be like yo janine this guy wants to know you would definitely ask there would be a guy who'd be like i gotta ask my manager yeah yeah oh i never really thought of it that way and you're like haven't you i think about doing that like a payless just walking in be like oh you guys have fish sticks stay with a straight face like the lady would 100 be like i need to ask my. Bro, I'm imagining after you get 30 to life, someone from your high school adds a video of you fucking the chicken to the end of your Snapchat compilation.

So it's just you getting nair to the face, and then the next frame is you fucking the shit out of a chicken. Dude, I'd be a fucking American hero. Yeah, that'd be incredible. I would want them to play that at a funeral. You know what I mean? John was a great fucking guy. Just like me hitting a home run.

Your mom's still crying. It's like me hitting a home run in baseball, and then the next scene is just me smashing chicken breasts. Fuck, dude. I feel like we covered a lot here, man. Yeah, no, I think that this... I think, if anything think if anything the listeners know what they need to do to have a fuller life

I feel like dude when you like when you said you were going to come on dude like I didn't know what to expect I'm really happy it went this way like in this direction me too I feel like we've educated so many people

people probably took, dude. People probably took notes, dude. Think about like the emotional rollercoaster that they went on. Yeah, they're probably listening to it on the train passing by your apartment right now taking notes. No, man, dude, I appreciate you for coming, man. Yeah, thanks for having me. Like I said, dude, I feel like we're like best friends now. Yeah, dude, I know.

You got to do another show soon. You're going to be back there, I'm sure. Yeah, dude, we'll definitely see each other around, dude. Fuck yeah, friends now. Yeah, dude. I know. You got to do another show soon. You're going to be back there, I'm sure. Yeah, dude. We'll definitely see each other around, dude. Fuck yeah, man. Fuck yeah, dude. No, seriously, man. Thanks for coming around. Do you have anything you want to say to the people?

Yeah. Just get out there and get fucking. Eat some rats and fuck some chickens. Okay. No, man. Thanks for coming, dude. Hi. Andrew Vickers.

As always, like and subscribe if you enjoyed this. Thanks for watching.