The Johnny Salami Podcast - Angie

Episode Date: April 3, 2022

Angie by The Johnny Salami Podcast

What's going on everybody? Welcome to a new episode of the Johnny Salami podcast. I'm out here with my boy Angie today. What's up? Second woman to be on the pod, so shout out Angie for coming through. Feminism, yup. How's it make you feel, dog? I feel good. Who was the first woman? Her name's Maya. No, I'm just kidding, it was my mom.

Oh. No, I'm just kidding. Her name's Maya. Yeah, we go way back. Nice. Well, I'm just kidding. It was my mom. Oh. No, I'm just kidding. No, her name's Maya. Yeah, we go way back. Nice. Well, I'm honored either way. No, she's a comedian. She's like 40.

Nice. She's like a MILF, dude. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, dude. She was the first one, though, bro. Hey, you know, you got to be second to someone. Actually, no. She was the second one, dude. I can't name the first girl that came on because we didn't publish it.

Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah, dude, the first girl that came on, bro. Dude, so she came over to my mom's house. Nice. This was back when I was living with mom, dude. Six months ago. Bro, so I was waiting for this moment my whole life.

To talk to a girl. Oh, dude. Yeah, so she comes over, dude. I put in all my effort throughout the pod went for like an hour yeah so dude i got up and i like walked over the camera dude nothing recorded so she was like oh like when do you think this is gonna be out and i was just like i'll let you know like dude we never talked again so how did you know her was she like a friend you're just trying to hit oh she's like she's like a legend for my town but oh i see yeah it's you

know i bet she's still waiting yeah it didn't really go well dude we used to be in like biology class and stuff and like the whole podcast i was talking about like how i used to fart in class and like she was just like yeah i don't know why i came here. But in my head, I was like, dude, I'm crushing it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I could see that being the case. It's like one of those things where, like, you think it's going to go well, and then it actually happens. And you're like, all right. You know?

Yeah. We didn't live up to the hype. Yeah, dude. What's up with my boy, though, dude? You know, nothing much. Just got back from Florida. What was that like? Warm.

Sunny. That's what I wanted. Just wanted to go for a few years. I didn't even know you guys were gone. You never know. I got back from Florida. What was that like? Warm. Sunny. That's what I wanted. Just wanted to go for a few years. I didn't even know you guys were gone. You never know. I'm sorry. I know. You never know when we leave.

You should have told me, dude. I know. You guys should have came. We were at Curtis's timeshare, and I had never been, obviously. Yeah. Because, you know, why would I? And then we get there, and it's like a whole friggin' apartment. I was like, oh, this place is nice.

We totally could have brought more people but we went on like weird days because i'm off this week because i'm starting a new job damn shout out you man did you put it on linkedin yet um actually i haven't and there's a funny story behind that so i currently accepted a position working in a biotech company doing finance and what I do. Yeah, lots of fun. And I was interviewing with another company at the same time for like three months. I'm sure you've heard me talk about it over the course of the last few months or probably not, because why would you? Why would you remember that? So I was interviewing with another company for another biotech company, but a different type of job.

I'm trying to change it up because finance is thrilling. And I interviewed with them seven rounds and then over Zoom and then two in person waiting on the third still. It's been three months. And they were just like, you know, out for whatever you know reasons that they had and people that need to meet with whatever scheduling so i was just like okay great so then i end up accepting another job because i was like this is a great offer can't say no to that so i have yet to update my linkedin because i don't want them to know in case they come back with a better offer oh damn dude so you're, you're using leverage right now. Yeah. Well, because I actually got a verbal offer from them over probably six weeks ago now.

And then I was like, okay, great. I have this offer. You know, I'm going to meet with this last person, hopefully within the next two weeks. That was six weeks ago. And then this other company, I told them, I was like, hey, I have a verbal offer. This is what it is. They're like, we'll match it. So I was like, okay, I can do that.

Damn, dude. I wish I was. I have the week off. I mean, that's smart, though, dude. Is it like, are you working from home? Yeah, so they're both different in the way that, like, the one that I ended up accepting is 100% remote. They have, like, an office which just has, like, equipment and labs,

to my understanding. So, like, I'm 100'm 100 remote they won't even have an office for at least like 2023 fuck dude bro i drive an hour to work every day yeah do you know how sad that is that's pretty sad oh dude i'm losing my fucking mind bro i get dude i've been getting like chest pains during the day i'm so stressed out from having it from the commute dude i just walk around the building you should get a remote job dude i've been applying dude i'll suck dick remotely dude i'll have two dudes come over and just come on my face dude if it's remote that's fine as long as you don't have to go anywhere as long as they come to you you're good yeah dude yeah just being in a cubicle man and like driving

an hour just to be in a cube oh dude i that's what i used to do before the pandemic. Yeah. Like 40 minutes. I used to live at home as well. And then I moved out like three years ago. I worked in Canton and from Franklin. So it was like 40 minutes with traffic every day for like a year and a half. And I was like, this is fucking terrible. So then I moved to the city to be at least be with my friends, similar to you.

And kind of community. And it was like 25 minutes. I was like, this is fine, but I hated my job. The cubicle was literally like the most generic cubicle you can picture in your brain. But like worse because there was no windows in the building. Or excuse me, the building was all windows.

But every single wall was covered in the executive offices. So they all had windows, but they don't keep the doors shut all day. So it's like. It fucks you up man yeah it's terrible yeah i work for amazon like uh i was a driver dude when uh when i got laid off during the uh pandemic dude it was like the best show i've ever had really bro just being outside dude i was getting like 20 000 steps in a day really dude i would just drive around bro just fucking jamming i'd have my donkey's coffee dude

i was like top tier like i was up there like in the rankings and they and they laid you off during the pandemic no no like when i had a corporate job like i got laid off once covid hit so i had to get a job with amazon but it ended up being like just my calling dude what why'd you leave that i mean i just fucking you know i have a college degree dude yeah can't do that for the rest of my life did it didn't pay well i mean honestly dude they pay like 20 bucks an hour that's not terrible that bad dude but i mean yeah it doesn't really work well with uh with like comedy because like sometimes you're out late yeah on your route dude but bro just you know being outside dude plus when i talk to people you know yeah they're not like upset you know they're like holy shit

my package is here dude yeah they're pumped yeah if they're pissed off then fuck them dude fucking peel out on your lawn dude you're fucking a piece of shit you know what i'm saying i do i think about that dude just being out like you know if you're inside all day dude that should fuck you up man yeah i know I'm meant for an outside job. I say this all the time. I am not meant to sit at a desk all the time, which hence applying for the other job, which I have yet to technically turn down. I've been applying, dude, on LinkedIn.

On LinkedIn? That's what I did. I get so many LinkedIn messages a day. Wow, dude. You should fucking reference me. I should. Do you not get like a million? linkedin that's what i did yeah i get so many linkedin messages a day wow dude you should fucking reference me i should do not get like a million i literally get i have like probably close to 50 unread right now really yeah i get the spam ones yeah no i actually have a what what is your what did you study finance dude oh me too yeah bro oh i actually have a really really good connection with three recruiters.

Give me your email. I'll let you know. Dude, if you can hook me up with a remote job, dude, bro. Have you ever worked with a recruiter before? What do you mean? Like spoken to them or like worked with them? Like worked with them. Like that's what I did to get the job I have now. I think like way back but I didn't

really have a lot of experience so they were just like yeah like we'll let you know oh now especially with like having a few years of experience like you'll do great because I love working with them I know it's kind of an unpopular opinion but like their whole job is like get you a job like you tell them exactly what you want and like they bring you stuff and like if you don't like it or you're not interested then they won't submit you yeah but if you do they're like okay we'll submit you and like they do all the talking to them they advocate for you you tell them what you want to get paid you don't tell them what you want for like a description you tell them where you tell them like industry even if you're picky about that like

i just worked with them to get this job i told them i want to be in biotech i want it to be remote or hybrid and i have you know a dollar amount and they got for me damn boy damn dude you got all the leverage mero yeah man i've just been taking sometimes like dude honestly like my whole day is just like pretending to take a shit i used to do that when i was in work so much we had two different bathrooms like in the office and one was like near the cafeteria and one was near my my cubicle so i would get up i don't drink coffee i don't care i would get coffee like three times a day and just like leave it on my desk and i just like would literally walk to the cafeteria hang out in there

go into the bathroom play on my phone pretend to be moving throw the coffee away in that bathroom go back to my cube do like five things go to the other it was it was like i mean if you're taking a shit dude like that's the best option because if someone's like where were you you can just be like dude i was i was cranking one out i definitely um do you know go to the bathroom quite a few times a day but i don't know as much as i was actually fucking off they would believe me oh yeah but i was pooping every single time always send them a video dude good i could do like a presentation on it. My IBS. Think about that a lot, dude.

Like if I had a job where like they give presentations like, dude, that'd be fucking hilarious. Oh my God. I had to do new hire orientation at my, the job I just ended every single, every single Monday. I was part of like the committee. Yeah.

I was assigned to it when I first like joined they were like oh by the way like you have to be on this every Monday at 10 o'clock to 11 o'clock I was like okay so the first day the first week I sat through the whole thing and I was like okay second week I sat through the whole thing I was like I'm always at 10 40 so just logged in at 10 35 and just like gave my five minute and then left because I was like I'm not sitting through this I already work here I already know this information but yeah i was uh supposed to tell everyone about how to use the expense reporting tool but i never use the expense reporting tool because i don't get to expense anything so they were like pay for your own shit um so yeah half the time

didn't work so i just was like oh man my vpn's not connected and then i just log off like every like every monday i was like oh yeah it's monday like no one's paying attention these people don't give a fuck yeah yeah dude that would uh i don't know man everyone thinks i'm just like retarded so like i did yeah when i first met you i haven't really you know changed my mind quite yet yeah no dudes i mean honestly it's like a huge benefit in my life so especially at work dude oh yeah like nobody talks to me it's fucking great you know i'm saying i love that i've i have two funny things so at my my old company when i was in the office every day i literally was like not caring about anyone that i worked with i was

like you're all fine people but like do I really care to be friends with you? Not really. So, so much so to the point where we had a Christmas party and they were all like, Oh my God, everyone gets to leave early to go to the Christmas party, like across the street.

And I was like, ah, you know, it's like three 30. I was like, Oh, everyone's like leaving. I'm like,

Oh yeah. Like I'm you guys. Like I should finish up this report. Whatever. Everyone leaves. I was like, fuck that. Grabbed the cookies on the way out and went home. was like yeah with you people like it was terrible but the other

thing was so when i first moved to southey in like 2019 i was still working at my job and we would go out every you know day of the week i was gonna say tuesday thursday but it's really your job no no like i lived with my best friend from home my childhood best friend and her roommate from college was four of us and we all were you'd go out and get 22 yeah we lived right across the street from stats capo right next to fat baby and it's all of those bars you say fat baby or fap baby fat f18 like dude it was fap i'd be like dude, I can hit this place up. Yeah, they're pushing it, but not that far.

But we used to go out all the time, and I'd be hungover when I got to work. Most days, two, three days a week, whatever. And so I had to come up with a reason that, like, I was always really tired. And I actually do have chronic migraines. So I was just like, oh, man, I have a really bad migraine. They used to let me go home and work from home like before that was a thing like all the time it was fantastic so you just gotta like come up with a story maybe people feel bad for you fuck you dude nothing's more not harder John yeah dude I'll have

to send you like some texts like throughout the day ask for like tips and shit as you can I am the master of doing what you need to get done but like not having to socialize with your like co-workers while you're doing it yeah bro i would fucking make up crazy excuses if somebody asked me to hang out at work but they have to be believable though that's the thing yeah i had one co-worker that i liked um a decent amount she was a few years older than me and she lived at home at the time and she'd always ask me what i was doing but i was like i live in the city like you're not going to come all the way to the city whatever one time she actually did and she was like oh my god your

friends are so young and immature and i was like well you're the one that asked me to hang out all the time you finally hang out with us and you don't even like want to do what we're doing so that she never had asked me to hang out again yeah well i think that's the toughest part and like want to do what we're doing so that she never had asked me to hang out again yeah well i think that's the toughest part like when people at work ask me what i did on the weekend i hate that one time i told this dude i went to the uh the boston museum of art but dude i was i was cranking one out to the food channel dude just spanking a guy fieri dude like what's your favorite food channel show definitely guy fieri dude really dude. Really? Yeah, bro. He's good.

A hundred percent. He's the best dude. If I see that dude fucking toss a steak, bro, I'm shooting fucking ropes. You know what I'm saying? I do. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. That's what I've been thinking about.

Like porn a lot, dude. Like I would, you know, it would be more healthy if, you know, dudes jacked off to stuff like that than like legit porn. Right. Unrealistic feminine expectations. Yeah. I'm getting kind of sick of porn, dude. You know what I'm saying, bro?

Absolutely. Yeah. So sick of it. Every day. It's the same shit. Yeah. I mean, we can go down this road and talk about this, but if you're uncomfortable, we don't have to do this. Dude, if we talk about this, I i'm gonna take a snippet of this and

put it on linkedin like in response to your new job you'll be like oh my god congratulations here's a clip don't do that maybe let's not talk about that oh god would you get would you get in trouble like are you gonna get in trouble for talking about like stupid shit or um i don't think anything that we've currently talked about oh yeah but like we have to you know what i'm saying like oh i have to get me in trouble i haven't even started at my new company yet well i was gonna put like your full name and your social on the uh like the description oh you can do that yeah just like a quick bio yeah maybe we'll just switch the subject from porn to something else i'm happier here though dude yeah you Yeah. You know? I mean. Like even if it goes bad, like I can just be like, you know. Just making a quick episode.

Yeah. But now I'm happy you came, dude. Thanks. Thanks for finally inviting me. Speaking of inviting me places, segue, when's your next show? Slash, are you ever going to invite me since I bailed on you? Three times. Three times.

I was going to say two. I know, man. I've still been like recovering from you bailing. But I think if the time's right, you know, you should come to a show in a few weeks, dude, in Boston. I mean, I'm around. I mean, I'm going to invite you, but, like, if you ask questions, like. No, you should invite me, and I'll sit in the front row and just only boo you. Like, no matter what you say.

Really? Yeah. You would do that to me, dude? Of course. Really? I feel like. If that's what you want. want i'll just start get the whole crowd in are you like uh are you like a fan of comedy or you're just kind of like i like funny stuff yeah but like i mean dude there's like stand up comedy and then there's like videos and stuff you know what i mean i've seen a few comedy

specials i watched the dave chappelle one like the most recent one yeah i'm just saying like you know if you saw me on stage like oh would i laugh yeah oh absolutely really i actually went to a comedy show a few years ago because i won tickets on the radio i win so much stuff on the radio really when i used to commute to work did you answer like trivia questions or they just like i i can't remember i called in i think i had to answer one question but it was like something easy like something that i knew yeah and i won four tickets to laugh boston and it was like four tickets to laugh boston and then like a 200 like food and beverage voucher so i took my mom and two of my friends from college. We had a fucking ball and we were like sitting right up front and we were like, and we had

a little reserve sign on our table and everything. I felt very cool. It was actually pretty funny. It was like a, um, similar to what you do, like different comics were like, I think battling or something. And you had to like, Oh, who's the funniest at the end? Oh yeah. Yeah.

I don't know, man. You know, people always ask to come to shows like who haven't come before and i think like they think i'm gonna talk about like the weather but like i hope you wouldn't talk about yeah you know like if you don't really know me that well yeah and then like if you saw me go up there and i'm talking about like balls and fucking cum like mashed potatoes like yeah people's brains fucking blow off dude yeah you know what i'm saying well it's a lot to take in dude yeah i feel like i know you well enough to expect that and just like be ready for it oh dude people's fucking brains explode at my shows dude

people are either like people that are like people just random people yeah like because i i don't like i don't like ease into stuff i just like go right into it so people are just like oh this kid's just like go right into it so people were just like oh this kid's just gonna come out people are like with their families dude i'm talking about like jerking off and like my balls and stuff so i'm proud of it yeah hey you know what you got to do it you know yeah like dude the last weekend dude i opened up for a puppet bro this dude what a career move swear to god bro this guy has millions like millions of fans like his he has like uh puppet specials like you know like jeff dunham and stuff i was gonna say jeff dunham is the only person that came bro this guy

has like i looked up his specials like all of them have like two million views really so i show up to the show there's like the most people i've ever seen and i'm like like i had to host the show dude i bombed so bad the first night bro it was just complete silence it was so bad just me laughing my fucking ass off in the front i like i was dude i was driving home just listening to chyl Crow, dude. Like, one single tear rolled down my eye. Was it multiple nights? No, dude. Friday was, like, really bad, man.

Like, I did really fucking bad. Like, I bombed hard. And then I had anxiety because I had to go back Saturday. Right. And I had to stay at a hotel, dude. Where was this? It was in Mass. Like, way deep in Mass.

Oh, like Western Mass. Western Mass, dude. So I stayed at this hotel mass like way deep in mass like western mass dude so i stayed at this hotel and i was just like writing stuff down i was like dude you have to bounce back tonight like so it was a two-night show uh there was three shows like one was friday saturday there was two and like i bounced back but dude i had so much anxiety bro i would be nervous if no one laughed at me the first night just this massive club and it was just like packed for a puppet dude i don't know bro i guess you also have to know your audience like if they're coming for the puppet like what's the puppet talk about yeah dude one of my punch

lines like at least like i've been doing this for six years you know and like the punch line hit dude and i was like people are definitely gonna laugh dude just dead silent bro like this place was like sold out like packed literally i was looking around like not one like nothing dude it was the most like degrading feeling i've ever felt in my life what do you do after that just walk off bro i got so sad i was like i know you guys didn't like me but you're gonna like these other guys you know self-awareness is really a big thing though some lady was like oh i'm sorry i was like fuck it was so bad bro well you know what you tried and that's all that matters that'd be dude that would be hilarious though like if you guys came out oh like we're here for you and i just

like ate a dick we just we just have a that says, we still love you, John. Yeah. That's why, that's like one of the reasons I don't really like go out of my way to like invite people. Right. But like it would be, it would probably be funnier if I bombed for you guys. Oh, I would be hysterical, but I'd be like one person or if we all came like five people in a crowd.

Yeah. Like me bombing would be more funny than like me doing well. Right. If I was doing well, you'd be like, all right, whatever. Yeah. I'd be like, whatever. If I was like eating a dick, you'd be more funny than like me doing well. Yeah, it was doing my back. All right, whatever Falls like eating a dick be like this is good shit. I feel like that's even better Do you use the same material if you're like doing something or do you have like different things based on different like no I have like use You know, I have like old stuff. I'll whip out and it depends, you know, depends on the crowd

Yeah, I'm just out and it depends you know depends on the crowd yeah I'm just mixing it up you know like when I had to rebound I had to like reorganize everything like you know how long did you have to be up there for uh 10 minutes dude oh they just were like you're up here for 10 it was the longest 10 minutes of my life I can't imagine doing that yeah dude yeah I'm not good in front of a crowd I thought I would be but i'm not like in front of my like friends and like people that i know that's fine but in front of like a crowd i'm not what about like a presentation like if you're gonna give like a presentation you think you could do it well yeah i had to give presentations when i went to like college and stuff but i was huge on that

but i was always more confident if i like obviously knew what I was talking about like if I studied for it or like it was something I a topic I knew about yeah it's fine but if I'm like trying to do something that like I don't really know or care about it's really hard because I'm not like confident in the material like yeah dude I'm the exact opposite like dude I could talk about like penises right but you know that 200 people but like you know anything involving like intelligence or like knowledge bro i'm gonna fucking shit myself yeah because you know about penises but nothing else oh dude i'm an expert on penises bro what makes one a penis expert just like years of like experience dude having one no actually not having one.

Really? Makes me an expert. Damn. Because like it adds the aspiration. I feel that. Like the curiosity. Yeah. So like since I don't have one.

Yeah. Like that motivation. To find out more. Yeah. I see that. Yeah. I understand. It's just all about like what you don't have, dude.

Yeah. It's all about, you know, the curiosity drives you. Yeah. But we'll see what happens, man. Like when you come out you don't have to. Yeah. It's all about, you know, the curiosity drives you. Yeah. But we'll see what happens, man. Like when you come out to a show, man. Anytime in Boston. I, you know, I take it back anytime it works in my schedule.

Really? Yeah. Doing one like soon. So the White Bull Tavern and that's in Boston. Oh, White Bull Tavern. That's I know where that is. Yeah. Isn't that Daniel Hall area? I have no idea no idea dude i don't know anything around here i'm gonna be honest with you i think i think it is it's definitely in boston though dude yeah no i

know it's boss i've been there before but i have the world's worst memory like actually terrible i'll invite you dude but if you don't come just know that like the friendship is like almost like tarnished. I'll fucking take down this episode. I've gotten so many chances. Yeah. No, I'll be there. Yeah. You're fucking better, dude.

As long as it fits in my schedule. Of course, a disclaimer. Yeah, man. For someone that really never does anything, I don't know why I'm so busy. I mean, it's been like six months, so. I know. But I'll invite you, dude. Yeah. I can't believe you played rugby though in college, so. I know. But I'll invite you, dude. Yeah. I can't believe you played rugby, though, in college, dude.

I did. Bryant University. Damn, bro. Were you just stiff-arming bitches? I want to say, yeah. I have a very funny picture of me, actually. Really? Yep.

What does it look like? It's me stiff-arming people. Should we put it on the video? Yeah, I can send it to you there's a couple wait why did you uh why did you like decide you were gonna play though fun story so i was a freshman so in high school and well my whole life i played soccer uh i played all the way through senior of high school uh 2012 state champs shout out what's the name of the team uh franklin high school girls soccer you don't have a mascot oh panthers panthers yeah

shut up panthers yep it's been actually 10 years this year which is horrifying to say but there's a there's like a huge you know like exit signs um if you ever get off the exit in franklin there's a huge one just one though it's like nobody's done anything in the past 10 years. So I'm sure they have, but I don't know why we have a sign. Wow. So, yeah, anyways. Anyways, back to rugby. So I graduated high school, did that, you know, played soccer,

and then didn't end up playing for Bryant. And then I was at school for one semester, and I was like, well, I'm really fucking bored. Like, you know, classes, whatever, but there's so many other hours in the day. So we were picking our housing assignments for going into sophomore year, and this girl, Emily, who played lacrosse, asked me to be her roommate. So I was like, yeah, great. Who else are we living with?

We were living with all athletes, and I was like, all right, I can't be the only person doing nothing. I'm bored. I don't really want to attempt to walk onto a a soccer team I don't think I'm good enough for that so I was at the gym that day saw a flyer that said come to a meeting tomorrow to join girls rugby I was like well you know what I guess I will yeah played ever since but like when you when you start a plant dude because when i played uh i went from baseball to rugby so when i played dude everyone was wearing short shorts like dudes were touching

each other yeah yeah and like dude rugby's like really like complimentary like it was super verbally like yeah yeah dude every game i like legit questioned my sexuality like dudes would like you know you tackle someone they'd be like dude you're super strong and i'd be like, you know, you tackle someone, they'd be like, dude, you're super strong. And I'd be like, dude, you're super strong. Like you look right into each other's eyes. Like, dude, you want to get a coffee after this? You know? So like, what, how did you, you know? Oh, okay. Yeah. Was it like an awkward transition? Cause like soccer and rugby do that's, you know? So yes and no. So soccer, I found that like a lot of people that played rugby in college, especially for women, it was really uncommon to have played like a lot of people that played rugby in college especially for women it was really uncommon to have played before the only people that really played were like men's

private high schools were really only rugby before college I guess but um a lot of soccer players played at least for the girls so I was like all right whatever so I go to my first practice I'm like all right this isn't so bad, whatever. Whatever. All girls wear the same type of shorts, no big red flags there. So I learned how to tackle. And I am like a semi-aggressive person by nature. So I was like, this sport is great for me. Like throwing people to the ground, getting thrown to the ground didn't bother me.

I used to get red carded in basketball all the time. Was really on board. So they're like you know what great like you had a week of practice we're gonna have you guys watch a tournament game I show up to this tournament game not expecting to play but the girl whose position I was supposed to be watching was out so I have never been to a rugby game never seen one in real life a youtube watched it once and been to like three practices like here you go you're gonna go ahead and start i was like sick and again the other thing with rugby as you know is you don't have your own uniform like unless you're like

our personal by the end of course playing like i had wore the same one every week so they're like here's this shirt you got to go change into it. Here's some shorts. You need to put these on. You don't own them yet. So I'm standing in the middle of this field with all of the girls teams and all of the boys teams. And they're like, here you go. You need to change your whole fucking life. So I'm like, OK, great.

Don't know how to play. I'm wearing someone else's pants. And I didn't realize we didn't get our own uniforms. So I'm like playing, OK. And I must have done an OK job because i ended up playing you know after that and the coach was like you know you did great just follow the ball whatever go for it i'm like all right sounds good i got laid the fuck out a couple times a couple of times but i was like you know what i love it yeah yeah i forget who he played i think i can see you

just fucking bitches up oh i i don't want to say that because i hate when people are like it was really good yeah but i don't know i can see you like going out there dude just getting fucking angry dude yeah yeah bro we were playing oh my god we played merrimack i think it's my junior year i haven't couldn't talk about this forever. We played Merrimack my junior year, and I have a lot of hair, and it was super long back then. And this girl pulled my little ponytail with the braid. Yeah. I have a breakaway.

So she pulls my ponytail while I'm running. I continue to run. She lets go of my ponytail. I score. I turn around, and I was like, if you ever fucking touch my hair again, we we will be having a problem and then we beat them like 100 to 0 i think it was actually 80 something but it was a lot you ever talk shit like that is my actual favorite thing to do really oh my god what type of shit did you say like aggressive shit i can't say one of those things i got what about people's families and shit um Really anything that came to mind.

There was one. I actually got thrown out of a Stonehill game. I've only been thrown out of one game. Really? I got thrown out of Stonehill. No, it wasn't Stonehill. I'm sorry. What's the one that's on a hill?

It's also purple. Roger Williams? No. I forget. I mean, most colleges are on hills. No, no. Maybe it was Stonehill. Maybe it was just a different field.

Whatever. But yeah, i i talked shit to this one girl that was clearly very new she didn't know what she was doing and i really felt the opportunity to just yeah make her never play again so i can't say what i said because i will get in trouble really we can bleep it out dude that's all right i don't want to i don't want to repeat i'll tell you that's a mother tell me afterwards i'll tell you after yeah i'm dude yeah yeah i loved talking shit especially so i was in the scrum i was a prop um i know i'm so dainty but i was a prop and um flex on these hoes dude yeah we had actually a

super tiny team brianna played with us too you know bray um but anyways so i was a prop and you would always be you know with like directly in with the other team and i just would always take the opportunity to say something rude on my way out on my way out and because a lot of the girls you play with are to politely say not as agile in that particular position yeah um so i just say something mean and then like run away man bro talk some shit dude i loved it bro i was like the exact opposite i would laugh my fucking ass off out there oh i thought i was so was so funny. Oh, I was. No, no. Just like at the concept of like what's going on. Dude, I saw some dude go in like you mentioned, bro.

Yeah. First play of the game, dude, gets leveled, internally bleeds. Oh, my God. His family was there and shit. You just lay in there just like decked out. Oh, my God. They were like, if you moved an inch, you would have died. I holy shit oh my god that's terrible yeah dude you know how like on the kickoff when you jump up in the air like no one can hit you yes someone they just did it

rookie mistake why jump if you don't have to i don't know bro oh my god yeah dude some dude got his pants pulled down like in uh oh dude it was so fucking funny that happened to me once i always wore spandex after that day i was just wearing like regular underwear and i was just like wow everyone here saw my butt crack yeah bro my mom would go to the games and like every game dude someone would pull my pants down like right next to the sideline she would like talk about all the time she'd be like yeah i mean like everyone saw your asshole you're like that's a free show right just like 50 people looked into the depths of my b-hole dude honestly you get what you pay for yeah i don't know dude oh that's funny i'm trying to

think of any other funny stories i've seen some tough injuries though one of my friends she got taken on a stretcher during the beast yeah she like i felt like she like broke her spine or her neck or something she was in like a neck brace that was really scary i of course was super behind the play in the corner far away so i wasn't too close because she was a back and i was like nowhere near that um i oh my god i broke this finger and it was just like the oh i hate i didn't even look i literally didn't look at it until it was fixed i was like i can't look at this um another girl i played with she this her pinky was like literally this way oh my god the fingers really freak me out like they really do like yeah i can't i can't look at it dude i got kicked out of a game for getting in that fight dude what'd you say it was so like random dude this one dude just got in a

fight like he like flicks him dude in the nuts and like he was like you, you fucking pussy. And then the next play, dude, fucking. Dude, you know how sometimes when you're like, when you're rocking, dude. Yeah. You know how you can do like a fucking gator roll, dude. Girls didn't do that, but I do know. The girls were really not as up to date on the gator roll. Dude, I fucking put this dude in a fucking headlock. Dude.

I thought I broke his neck. Oh, my God. Yeah. They were like, yeah. When you do a Gator Roll, just, like, roll over. Like, don't put him in a headlock. I choked this dude out and just, like, wrapped my legs around him. Like, I was, like, fucking him, dude.

And he just got up and just started swinging, dude. Missed every single punch. And like me and this other dude like took him to the ground. But, dude, we got kicked out of the game. It was fucking sick, dude. I would imagine. I was like, fuck this shit. Like, I'm out.

Call the police. Oh, God. I know. Fights in rugby are interesting because everything's already fair game like you can do pretty much anything but punch someone in the face like it's so it's so true like i have to say the only like fights girls get are verbal because it's like anything else you can just do on the field yeah like dude i mean. I mean, I got it. Like, I understood why he was frustrated, though. Like, imagine trying

to get the ball. Just, like, getting strangled. I'd just hop on your back, dude, and choke you out. Like, imagine how mad you'd be. I would just, I would be, I don't think I'd be happy. Oh, my God.

During the games, I would just think about, like, if I got the ball, like, how funny it would be to just, like, throw it, like, in someone's face or some shit to do something random they're like go john go johnny i was like just walk up to the ref dude oh god that's funny what position did you play um what dude i played uh at uri like i i transferred from URI after a semester. Oh, right, right, right. I played prop then because I was like fucking, I was really big, dude.

Be careful what you say about the props. I was sucking my titties in the shower, dude. When I transferred, though, I played the eight, which is like the best position, dude. I'm familiar with this position. I just run around, dude, just fucking, you know, telling dudes how good they're doing. But I just wanted to run around, dude. Yeah. I was not equipped to be a wing because i was not the best tackler not because i didn't know how to do

it i just didn't like playing defense like they're like it's like an ongoing joke they were like you're great but then you also have to play defense after and i'm like i don't want to i obviously did but like if i could avoid tackling someone I would I don't know what it was I just like didn't want to do it I just wanted to like always play offense yeah I could for sure tackle but just like all that energy dude like rugby was hands down the most tiring shit dude oh my god like after a game holy shit dude I was fucking the amount of bruises and stuff like especially like as a girl I would be walking around with bruises all the time. Like, one of our professors came up to me and one of my other friends.

I forget who. And I forget what professor because, like I said, my memory is terrible. And they were like, is this, like, okay? Like, I always see you guys coming. Like, she had a black eye. And then the next week I had a black eye. And then, like, my arms and legs were covered. I have another picture of me after my very first rugby game.

And it's just, like, looks like a cow print.'m like wow i do i got like a bunch of black eyes but people didn't believe me when i said i play rugby they were like dude you're definitely getting in like legit brawls like the 22 jump street guy at the very end he was like yeah i'm an underground fight club yeah yeah i oh that was the other thing i always wanted like a really good black eye and i like got one once in four years i got one black eye it was the most bitch-ass black eye you've ever seen it was like almost looked like obviously you don't wear makeup but like a smoky eye and like a little egg only on one eye i was like oh bro they told me to ice mine and i didn't just so it got worse just so i could walk into the gym dude you just be like don't fuck with me yeah bro our gym was

like there was like a bunch of mirrors and like all the dudes would work out in the front yeah and like all the bitches would be in the back on like ellipticals and shit so when i had my black eye dude i was like how we doing you know what i'm saying i am a sucker for a black eye i think most people or girls that play rugby have to say they are bro when i tried out no joke they did these like they did these like workouts so you could like get in shape for rugby and like dude you had to wear rugby shorts like to the gym bro so dude like to the regular gym no joke dude we had like somewhere in rugby shorts and like a tight shirt bro that was your own choice on the tight shirt yeah i wanted to fucking show these bitches what's up no of course dude they were like yeah like max out bench like well no

it's like uh you had to do as many reps as possible with a certain weight so like we did that and they were like all right you need to deadlift like as many times as possible and dude at the end they were like yeah like you need to run on this treadmill and it was going 10 miles an hour and they're like you have to do this for three minutes i was like dude are you fucking insane dude so i'm running bro my nuts were like flapping against my legs so hard legit You didn't wear the spandex? Dude, people thought someone was clapping. Like, no fucking joke. Stop. Like, I'm not even kidding, dude.

Why didn't you wear the spandex? Dude, I don't know. I just didn't. I wasn't aware. Like, I didn't know it was going to be that bad. That was the first time in my life I had ever worn, like, short shorts. You rock them still? The rugby shorts?

Yeah. Nah, dude. They were always really tight, dude. Yeah. I would get, like, those waistband marks. Oh, yeah. You know what waistband marks oh yeah i mean they have different sizes like you could just buy another plus like dude i'd rather just wear a thong fair enough fair enough yeah you said you played rugby though dude i was like damn boy yeah that's when our friendship first began yeah i was like i might respect her maybe yeah wait so when did you meet curtis curtis is uh

angie's boyfriend oh yes curtis is my boyfriend and john's roommate i met curtis at bryant actually i told me the truth dude like when you when was like the first time you saw him the first time i saw curtis he's gonna watch this dude this better be fucking emotional i think i i mean i'm sure he knows this is the first time i saw him we were at his house because we lived in so the way bryant is is it has like townhouses for the seniors and there's like two or three like mini like neighborhoods and my house was m3 on like a corner like on the square and then he lived in j7 which was like three houses away you remember like the actual unit numbers yeah i mean for bryant they didn't they weren't very creative everything was just numbered i lived in hall 4 7 and 14 oh dude so yeah so we were at his

house because they were having people over and his one of his roommates i actually uh i'm from the same town as so they were like yo we're having people over and so we went and uh yeah we always went went over there and hung out that was it dude that's it it's not what was like your first interaction though um is there like a spark i don't know i'm so awkward uh i'm trying to think that very awkward what we're both awkward yeah really so why you like hit it off uh i guess kind of well so the funny thing was this so this is what happened so curtis played football bryant his roommate was a kid that i knew from home so they would always have parties at their house yeah so my roommate at the time liked curtis's roommate everybody already knows this so it's not a secret so we would go over

there i don't know this okay well i'm saying if they're watching it this is a known fact so i'm not throwing anyone under the bus for the 15 people that will see this so um my roommate at the time liked curtis's roommate and so we went over there and they were like, come on, like, let's go. Like, whatever. So I'm like, yeah, sure. Okay, why not? So we go there and we all went out to this place called Rente's at Bryant. So it's like right at the driveway of the school.

It's like this bar everyone can walk to. So we all went there one day and we made a point to ditch the other two so they would have to be together so me and curtis like ended up driving in the car back so we're just like hanging out in their like living room before everyone got back and like that was the first time we ever like hadn't like a one-on-one interaction yeah was it fake for a while like where's the or did you just go fucking balls to the wall just falls deep in that bitch oh was i ever fake no no no like you know like when you first meet someone like you like start off slow you're like so like

what do you like to do for fun oh was it like that or were you just like let's fucking smack each other around i was never fake when i met curtis no because he's so like he's so easy to be yourself with yeah so yeah no he just we were normal from the beginning we talked a little bit for like that was like right at the end of my senior year so curse is a year younger than i am and we so i graduated we talked a little bit over like that summer but then he went back to school and i was like in the real world and like couldn't really like hang out at school all the time because you know know, I moved here like Joe was like, yeah, like my friends in love. And I was like, damn, dude. Oh, my God. But yeah. So we didn't talk for like three years after that. And then I was still

friends with Joe and Pat and Ken, who actually Ken and I remained friends because he was also part of that group um that were friends with each other and he would always when i lived in my old apartment was always at the guy that lived above us his house so me and kevin hang out all the time and ken and joe and their friends including curtis went to the cape last year and randomly invited me and Brie to go and that's when we first like met and like remit Curtis because of course we had like gone on a couple dates in college and I saw him for the first time after three years and then Brianna met Pat for like the first time or the second time maybe that weekend and now they're dating too and then that's when Joe and Kate already knew each other and then that's when joe and kate already knew each other

and then like we all kind of like hung out that weekend so it's kind of like so this all happened because of an orgy that's what you're saying yeah no that's all right dude i put the pieces together no there was a ton of people there we just all happened what's that called uh semantics yeah semantics yeah but that was in uh what may i don't know may of last year so yeah this time last year i expected something better than that dude honestly i thought you were gonna be like oh my god i fucking i popped a tire and i needed someone strong to fix it curtis came over with a boner and was like what's up no because that's that's no he drove he like we were just talking about this the other day he drove me home from some like event that we were at.

And that was like the second or third time we ever hung out. And it was like, you know, the Kentucky Derby. So every school has like a Kentucky Derby like thing. We were both there at the other bar near school, FNs or the last resort, whatever the hell it's called now. And, um, I drove my car and like my friends there and I was hammered and Curtis isn't a big drinker so he was like I'll drive you back then he drove my car and me and my friends home and then that's you guys ever like are you like romantic or you're kind of just like a fucking dick I'm really not good at being romantic Curtis

is the romantic one I feel like most girls I meet are like that Yeah There's Yeah I don't know I'm just not a very emotional Or romantic person I guess I'm really trying to be better You're a heartless bitch Yeah pretty much But that's what makes me so lovable Yeah dude

I don't know dude I'm like I feel like I could be romantic But I'm just like too immature Like I would laugh or some shit I'm really bad at being serious Anything that's like really professional Or like really serious i just think of like the most random shit they could go down at that point yep then i like tell people and they're like yeah you're like what if it's just

a plane like you shouldn't tell anyone that dude you know what i'm saying yeah yeah bro i'm very bad at i'm oh i'm a big laugher in serious in excuse me serious moments like when i'm not supposed to like when i need to be like this is a really serious conversation i just like i can't keep it together i'm like okay like i'll be like saying something like even to my family i'll be like guys it's not very nice and just like laughing the whole time they don't think i'm serious yeah no i feel the same way dude yeah mine is more like random shit. I'm trying to think of a situation where like... Yeah, tell me a situation. I mean, we'd have to play the what if game,

which is basically what this comes down to. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Like imagine like... Imagine if like a girl told me like... All right, we're on a walk, in south by the beach we're by the beach dude we're walking on like the side of the road and she's like i have to tell you something and i'm like all right she's like i love you and then at the same time some guy with a boner

drives into another car it's always how would you tell if he had a boner if he's in his car? You'd be. You could see it through his pants. Oh my goodness. Or you know I'll be more descriptive dude. Yeah. Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me. She's like. She's like. I have to tell you something. And while she says that. Mm-hmm. A guy with a boner. Yep.

You can tell. You can tell he has a boner. Yep. Like through his pants. Right. Runs by us. I notice the boner. He. Like through his pants. Right. Runs by us. I notice the boner. He gets in his car, goes backwards into a house.

Okay. And then she says, I love you. Okay. She didn't notice any of this? She's just really on the I love you train? Well, no, no. That's what would be going on in my head. Like it wouldn't be real life.

But that's my thought process. Oh, I see. She's about to tell me she loves me. Oh, yep. And that's what's going on. And you see she's about to tell me she loves me oh yeah and that's what's going on about men with boners yeah maybe you should try talking to men dude i've tried really didn't go well i love talking to dudes man i mean honestly dude if you could be like 10 gay i'd be all in you can't be 10 gay no i mean if being gay was like ethnicity yeah like if someone was like oh i'm like 10 german i'd be like oh i'm like 10 gay i don't know if that was possible dude word on the street is

sexuality of the spectrum so you absolutely can identify as 10 gay yeah i mean i don't know man i couldn't be like 100 gay yeah you know like i couldn't like take like dicks to the face yeah but but like you don't have to do that. But like, dude, I could like, you know, like I look at men's asses. Yeah. Inspiration or like jealousy.

You know, I just like want them, you know, I just want them to know like that their hard work's paying off. Okay. So I want to let them know. Kind of. Yeah.

Like I want to walk up to a dude and be like, dude, nice ass bro. You can. You squat? Without it being weird. Okay, maybe that's. That's why they invented the term like no homo.

Right. But that's like almost offensive. Right. Like I shouldn't have to say that. Right. You should just be like, it's like girls all the time. They compliment each other. I mean, if I.

Girl, I love that shirt. Yeah. Yeah, like girls can do that. But if you say that to a guy, what are you, gay dude? It's like, no, dude, I'm just trying to like, you know. Maybe you should change the stereotype. Like just start complimenting guys. Start like a movement.

Like a movement. Yeah, dude. Like a non-profit. It's called Men's Asses. And it's in like all capital letters. Yeah, of course. Men's Asses Incorporated. Yeah, and just like do like an awareness month or week even.

And just be like, you know, like men complimenting other men on their hard work just like men wearing tight jeans yeah just hitting legs every day right just like men's appreciation month yeah appreciate a bunch of men you know dudes slap each other in the ass like you've seen that yeah of course any sports team rugby i'm sure there's lots of butt touching there yeah some intentional some unintentional yeah but like the uh like the intimacy with men doesn't really get me going. Okay. You know?

I can see that. Like I wouldn't be able to like give it to a dude good. I can see that. Absolutely. Like, bro, I do it a few weeks ago. I shaved my gooch, dude. I haven't been the same since. Really?

No joke, dude. Changed my life. Oh, for the better? Yeah. Oh. Someone, I'm not going to say who, was like, you should give it a shot. Someone who, I'm not going to say who. Yeah, dude. Changed my life. Oh, for the better? Yeah. Oh. Someone, I'm not going to say who, was like, you should give it a shot. Someone who, I'm not going to say who. Yeah, dude.

Okay. They were like, yo, just shave it. It'll change your life forever. Interesting. And it did. I just don't know if it was in a good way. Really? Yeah.

So used to just being hairy down there. Was this the first time you ever shaved in your whole life? Probably the second. The first time was at a basketball basketball tournament and the whole game. I thought I was like legit shitting myself because it felt so weird. Like all the sweat and like the baldness. I just felt naked, dude.

I could see that. I feel like someone took like something away from me. Your manliness. Yeah. I just haven't been the same since dude. Well, I hope, I hope it's for the best.

It's summertime, you know, a little like hairless breeze. Oh dude, that best yeah you ever like i mean dude i fart a lot so like i have like holes where my butthole is i get my sweatpants like where the gooch is dude so like if a nice breeze goes by dude quarter chop maybe maybe time for some new sweatpants nah dude i get them from walmart Walmart. You got to know the risks. Yeah. They're like six bucks, but like whatever, dude.

You go through them like they're six bucks. It lasts like a day or two. One fart, dude. One fart. Those things are gone. Fly right off like the rip-off pants. Oh, yeah. Like the snap.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, like the warm-up. Warm-up pants, dude. When that was, like, all you got in, like, seventh grade basketball. Like, just for, like, five years in a row. Yeah. It was, like, a bunch of snap-off pants. Did you play basketball?

I did. Really? And. Oh, yeah. You said you just got, you got kicked out of games. Mm. Why is that, Angie? I got kicked out of one soccer game and one basketball game.

The soccer story is much more funny. Let me ask you do you have like anger problems um i don't i don't think so really so why'd you get kicked out this girl deserved it so in soccer um i played um striker in this particular, in this particular moment. Um, I played striker. So anyone that knows soccer knows like when you're the balls in your defensive area, you know, no one's really looking at you. So this girl, I don't remember who it was because like I said, terrible memory, but it was a soccer game. It was my junior year and I was playing striker and this girl was like my man-on-man cover like

she was my defender and she kept like pulling my hair and kept like pushing me and like saying like punch me in the face like i swear to god she kept saying punch me in the face and i was like is this girl for real like why like you got like a weird like thing you're going on with you like whatever so i'm just like ignoring her pretty much and i'm just like doing my thing and she kept doing it like doing it doing it whole first half i'm like okay if she continues this like well maybe we'll punch her in the face so she keeps doing it whatever so i know my you know i know my audience which is obviously the parents and the referees so don't want them to see so i wait for the ball to like be cleared out in our like defensive area so i'm over here and she does it again i'm right outside the middle like circle of the like between the middle circle

and like the top of the goalie box and she says it to me one more time and now she's behind me she's like pull me she's like punch me in the face started to fight with me whatever she kept saying so i turned around i punched her right in the face. She fell right down. Nobody saw because everyone, I made sure I waited until the ball and the ref and everyone else's eyes were on the other side of the field. Punched her right in the face. Left her down there.

Walked over to the middle, you know, where you wait for, you know, your play to happen for you. So then finally, someone's's like where the hell did this girl go she's just laying on the side of the thing and of course her dad was like yeah she like she put of course you know it was like yeah yeah that's what happened whatever so i got red carded and got thrown out for two games well you knocked her out with one punch yeah i mean she's a high school girl damn you just threw one punch and she was like dead yeah she was done she just went right down damn i mean i don't think she was like dead. Yeah, she was done. She just went right down. Damn, bro.

I don't think she was out for very long or even at all, but she just, she laid there for a bit. Wow, dude. I wonder why she said that though. Weird kink maybe. Maybe fighting with her boyfriend. That's what I want to say. That was the first thought that came to my mind.

That's what I said. And I was like, I'm not going to be the one, you know, like satisfy whatever this weird thing you have going on. I could see her like hitting you up on like Facebook afterwards. Yeah. Asking you to hang out probably yeah that's like a weird you know that's a weird thing to ask dude it was it was super weird and like i couldn't tell if she was just trying to like be tough and like prove a point i wouldn't remember like if we were doing really well or they were doing really well against us like maybe that was it but it was

like right from the get-go so like i can't imagine really had much to do with the game itself yeah she was weird but anyways i got i got red carded in suspended in my and i remember my aunt was supposed to come to the next game and i was all i wasn't i cried on the way home but it wasn't because i got thrown out was because my aunt was coming to visit us next week and she couldn't see me play damn dude i didn't even feel bad fucking savage bro well she asked for it to basketball you do the same thing i feel like everyone would see you, though. So, I can't remember what happened in basketball. I think it was more like defending someone else. Like, something happened to one of my teammates,

and, like, the next, like, play, like, the girl, like, I was able to retaliate towards her just because, like, of the way the game went. Yeah. I believe that was the case. Maybe elbowed her in the face or something. That was my big. like i was able to retaliate towards her just because like of the way the game went yeah i believe that was the case maybe elbowed her in the face or something that was my big that was my big thing because i run like this instead of like this so i like hit people sometimes accidentally sometimes on purpose dependent on the day yeah dude i remember i remember boys club dude i'm working on this joke uh for comedy dude i uh i used to wear my mom's tights

to basketball games i was like like leggings yeah like lingerie oh like like legit tights dude like the tan tights yeah why dude i just saw the nba players and i was like i want to be like them and like i couldn't afford like spandex so i just wore my mom's tights dude mom didn't have one pair of leggings dude one game my whole family came to the game i'm like 14 dude i'm like wicked overweight like i have like legit tits so they check me into the game and i'm like wearing my mom's tights and my mom was at the game she was like are those my tights oh she did she didn't know about the tights oh dude no no idea bro so dude some dude like i check into the game i'm like super excited i'm like i'm gonna try as hard as i can the kid on my team passed me the ball at first instinct i'm like i'm shooting dude

i'm popping off like dude i used to listen to we fly high by jim jones of course oh man yeah of course bro i swoosh a three-pointer no way all net dude in the other team's hoop i was gonna say what's the catch bro they stopped they stopped the game, dude. Like, people's brains fucking blew off. Like, people lost, like, five years of their life, dude. Like, just looking in the stands was, like, dead quiet. People were just like, what the fuck? But, bro, they stopped the game.

They gave the other team three points. I was going to say, they have to. Yeah, and then they just took me out of the game, dude. It was, like, ten seconds. I was like, you got have to. Yeah, and then they just took me out of the game, dude. It was like 10 seconds. I was like, you got to give me another chance, man. You know what I'm saying? That's amazing. Bro, all net, dude.

Ball in. Like in my head, that song was playing. In your head, you were the man for like three seconds. We fly high. Yep. No lie. Yeah. Remix.

Yeah, dude. Oh, man. Best shot of my life, too. Hey too hey you know what at least it was a good shot yeah i feel like is it worse if you airballed it um no the fact that it went in like they had to stop the game like if i airballed i could just go get like my teammate could just go get the ball right the thing is like i don't man. Did you win the game? I shot it because I was like, dude, no one's guarding me. Like, they don't know me. They don't know me, son. Of course they're not guarding you.

I was like, they're downing me. Nobody's going to play me on defense. You're like, I'm going to show them. Yeah, I'm like, I'm pulling up, son. Well, you know what? At least you made it. I made sure my foot was behind the line. I was like, you guys are up, son. Well, you know what? At least you made it. Made sure my foot was behind the line. I was like, you guys going to give me this shot?

The best question, though, is did you win the game? Like, did your team win? No, we definitely lost. Because I remember that team. By more than three, though. Because that's the big one. Oh, dude, I'll put up a picture. Like, if you saw our team, you'd be like, definitely lost.

I don't think we won a game, bro. I think I was the best player on the team. Sc the other team who's still best yeah they announced it i don't know if they felt bad but they were like john's the best player on the team oh yeah that sounds about right no they weren't lying dude it's crossing fucking bitches up dude so back when everyone got a trophy um on i don't think everyone did but i think second place got a trophy oh which is like even worse yeah like second dude if you come in second place i don't want the yeah dude get that shit out of here bro yeah first or nothing yeah ball is life though dude absolutely hands down yep yep yeah yep i played basketball in middle school in the first two years of high school. And then I broke my foot the day before junior year tryouts.

And they were like, we'll either put you on JV again or you can, like, try out with a broken foot. So I just quit. Dude, do you, like, when you were younger, did you, like, shoot hoops in the backyard and shit? Yeah, we had a basketball hoop and play. I feel like that was, like, my childhood, dude. Just balling up with a hose. Yeah. My sister never wanted to play with me, though.

She wasn't like into it as much. Yeah, she wasn't into it as much as like I wanted her to be. So shooting basketball by myself wasn't really that fun. It wasn't good enough. Really? Dude, I was out there fucking all night, bro. I was out there in the snow, dude. Putting up shots.

Basketball was your game of choice um i don't think i was the best at it but i just like being out there that's what your heart wants i just like putting headphones dude and just bawling bro you know what i'm saying i do we used to have the horse thing painted on it like you know like or like station i think we called it yeah i remember there was like a hot chick who lived across the way she was so hot dude she played basketball i never met her dude but sometimes she would look outside and i would be like i have to show this bitch yeah what's popping you think that she like you think she like secretly watched you playing basketball

um i know she was outside one day and i was with my neighbor and uh one of my neighbors was an alcoholic and he pulled up to like me and my friend in a fucking red corvette and he was like shit cocked like blackout drunk that's terrible and he was like yo yo he was like yo let me see that larry the legend hook shot like larry bird yes and like larry bird was like one of my favorites dude like i would watch his highlights and shit and i was like dude this is like my moment bro dude i literally shot a hook shot from like 30 feet away bounces off the rim and just smashes this guy's car dude and he's like blackout drunk so he just goes he was just like what the fuck it's like you asked for it so he just goes. He was just like, what the fuck?

It's like you asked for it. Like you like legit dented the car. Dude, he just left. A basketball? How hard did you shoot it? Like pretty. Dude, it was like hook shots, bro. You got to be in the paint.

I shot it from like half court, dude. I was like, yo, fuck this. That was the day that you lost the girl forever. Yeah. She was out. I don't think she was paying attention. Fingers crossed. She missed it. If she saw that, dude, I would have given her, like, a little head nod.

Like, yo, I wasn't even trying. Give me another chance. Yo, next time. You never talked to this girl once. Well, dude, that's the thing. Like, I would have romantic thoughts, but, like, I think, like, a week later, I was just, like, hitting baseballs at her house. I bet you love that. Well, her dad was, like, fucking pissed.

Well, yeah. I would imagine. We were hitting tennis balls with, like, a wooden baseball bat, and I, like, hit her house. I was going to say, that would go pretty far. We were, like, blatantly trying to hit her house, though, so. They probably didn't like that. It wasn't, like, an accident, so. accident. So I don't know how that makes sense. Like if I'm like trying to fall in love with her.

Yeah. That doesn't really. Yeah. Unless like I wanted a reason to talk to her, but I could just go knock on her door. Yeah. And be like, my mom needed a cup of sugar. Yeah. You guys have any fucking tea?

One time my mom actually made me ask her neighbor for a cup of sugar. And I was like, I'm not doing that. It just sounds fake. I mean, nowadays, if you ask a neighbor that a cup of sugar and I was like, I'm not doing that. It sounds fake. I mean, nowadays, if you ask a neighbor that like you'll get you'll get assaulted. That's a hate crime. Yeah. Like go Buffett. Yeah.

Fuck. Fuck off my lawn, dude. Yeah. Especially if they're Portuguese, dude. I don't know that to be true. Really? Dude, all my neighbors are Portuguese, bro. You touch their fucking grass, dude.

They will literally come outside with an rpg and just pop off dude i i have to say i did not know that dude portuguese people you've never seen them outside that's their life dude the garden and the fucking lawn really perfect dude perfect grass just beautiful gardening like i mean dude if you step on that grass bro you step on that scott turf bro bro your ass is great your life's on the line bro well good to know yeah only one of my neighbors was really like super into their lawn they live directly across the street from us and it was always beautiful it was always like the greenest green i don't know how he did it do you think you're gonna be be like that when you marry Curtis?

Are you guys going to have Scott's turf growing shit? Oh, I don't know. Really? I can see you guys being like that. Really? Having Scott's turf growing shit? Just like an immaculate yard? Like sprinkler system and stuff?

Oh, definitely. I'm not getting out there and sprinkling that lawn myself. That's for sure. I was telling my buddy this. If comedy doesn't work out and shit, and, like, I do get married. You can't do both? When I'm, like, 40, dude, like, if I'm doing yard work with my wife, I want there to be a moment, dude, where, like, I take the weed whacker and, like, put it between my legs and, like, really, really like crank the engine.

You know what I'm saying? Like really rev it. Sure. Like, so it's like my cock. Yeah. Like really get in like a deep squat position. Yeah. But like while I'm doing that, like I want to keep a straight face and like look into

my neighbor's eyes. Your wife has to be there. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I could, I could see that being a doable a doable situation but like i have to i would keep a straight face my neighbor would be outside like watering his no you have to time it that way and you have to keep the straight if there's no straight face it doesn't work if you're laughing they won't take you seriously

so i'll just be like look at this jokester imagine like watching like imagine watering your ass and seeing your neighbor do that i would just be like this we have to move there's no other like for sale sign like later that same day that would be your thought yeah i mean i would be like i have to be this guy's friend no those are your only two options you either have to befriend this crazy person to make sure you're safe from whatever craziness it is you might do next or you're out those are your only options you can't let that go unnoticed well dude i think the fact that like my wife is there like adds some security to it yeah especially if she's watching yeah but like at that point is your wife condoning this behavior she's not there

stopping you i mean even if it you know even if a divorce happens like it would be worth it oh my god if a divorce happens i'm really fucking moving do you know what'd be funny you know it'd be funny as if like we were married for like 10 years and my wife thought i was like this really like guarded like mature young man and then she saw me do that like after 10 years how would you pull that off for 10 years dude it would be worth it just waiting those 10 years for that moment i could see you committing to that dude imagine how confused you would be you'd have to pick someone like really innocent like kind of oblivious i would just go to like a book club read the book like really crush it in the meeting yeah and be like you want to get like a coffee or something yeah and just like really not have

sex not have sex like ever dude like do everything she says and then just that one day dude out in the front yard just put everything i have into it hmm i could see it i think you should do that i mean dude if comedy doesn't work out Man like What are you giving yourself As like a timeline For this comedy Maybe like 40 If I'm like 40 And it's not working out

Okay I could see that Like 40 would be like A good age And then you're just like Okay Yeah Time to retire

Yeah Time to hang up the microphone Time to hit up Home Depot Dude Home Depot I don't see why you can't Have both in this situation Yeah

Comedy Well if I'm doing comedy Then she knows Like I'm joking about stuff That's true If I don't see why you can't have both in this situation comedy well if i'm doing comedy that she knows like i'm joking about stuff that's true she probably eventually has to hear something but it's gonna happen dude we could workshop it i'm gonna make it happen dude let me know i obviously won't be there maybe i'm the neighbor no it's gotta be someone random it's gotta be i feel like you can be the other neighbor yeah like like like a bystander like the neighbor no it's gotta be someone random it's gotta be i feel like you can be the other neighbor yeah like like like a bystander like the neighbor like across the way like just like watching all this happen and then the other neighbor is like you see what i'm saying i'm like i don't know this guy's fucking weird you're like i don't know that guy pretend like we didn't never know each

other we go to court i just show them like the podcast episode, this is proof we know each other. This is premeditated. Premeditated weed whacker penis. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. All right, dude. You can see it. Do you have anything else you want to share with the people, dude?

You have any questions, concerns, man? Questions, concerns. I don't know. I think my only concern is when are we going to, you know, see you live? And when am I going to be able to, you know, make sure I get there?

Dude, I think two weeks from now, bro. All right. You're going to be able to you know make sure i get there dude i think two weeks from now bro all right you're gonna get the invite dude at white bull yeah the 14 people are watching right now dude they're you guys better come white bull two weeks shut up white bull dude yeah do you have a date for that it's two weeks april 9th or something like that oh that's only one week oh yeah it's next week like next like Saturday Sunday Friday who knows alright well I'll be there thanks for having me I'm honored to be the second

technically third but second published if you publish this hopefully dude hopefully this one you know makes us pop off yeah we'll see dude i'll share it to all my my two my two followers all right oh thanks for coming dude thanks for having me john man dude hour and 10 minutes bro oh man