The Johnny Salami Podcast - Big T

Episode Date: October 20, 2023

Big T by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Oh bro I'm hurting I smoked a little before I came in. You got high before you came here? I was smoking all day. You can just be honest, dude.

It's fine. Yeah, I was smoking all day. I was going to say, dude. It's fine. Yeah, I was smoking all day. I was going to say, that must be like weird, man, coming all the way here and then seeing me stoned. That's going to be wild. If I was stoned and I saw me, I'd be like, what the fuck's going on, dude? I needed a reason to like, wow, this guy's something wrong with him. Like, oh, his, wow, this guy's something wrong with him. Like, oh, he's probably just really hot. Yeah, dude, the beginning of podcasting is always pretty awkward, man.

But do you feel like, do you feel more normal when you smoke weed? Like, does it bring you to like an equilibrium? Yeah, I just smoke all day. Then when you, like, something's off, then you just rip the bong. You're like, oh, that's what it was. It wasn't hot. Like, you try jerking the bong, and you're like, oh, that's what it was. It wasn't high. You try jerking off. It wasn't that high.

Yeah. That's what jerking off is for me, dude. I'm like, dude, I don't feel right, man. And then I'll just spank one out, and I'm like, dude, let's get it. You know what I'm saying? It's like a— That and guns and roses, dude. As you whack it?

Like, welcome to the jungle. Just pop one off dude i'm good to go man you know yeah man that's life though dude you just gotta find something that like brings you back to life dude you know what i mean literally like when you're not feeling yourself you're like oh dude let's just go to the fucking let's go look at some tits dude you know what i mean like yeah i just love like whoever's in the news i'm just like google and it's not google's not even good anymore they got censored versions like cardi b's pussy and asshole close up and like nothing comes up anymore yeah you don't know if it's real or not no yeah the great like the neck fucking doubles or whatever yeah i still i believe it yeah i got

into that like back in the day dude you. You ever see a high school musical? No, I know about it. It's a good porno, dude. Oh, high school. Yeah. Oh, shit. All right. Dude, it was with, you know who Zac Efron is, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it was with Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, dude. You know who that is? Yeah. Dude, she's like the hottest woman in the world, bro. And dude, after that movie, it was like a musical, dude, like that kids watched. Dude, right after, nudes leaked of her.

Just her roast beef, dude. Bro, full bush, dude. She was getting heat for it. I was like, dude, that's respectable, man. You know what I'm saying? I like that. I like when little details like that come out. You know what I mean?

It's hot, you know? Yeah, because it's real, dude. You're like, damn, this is real life, man. Hope Solo. I have, like, Hope Solo, the soccer player. Her asshole. Like, you know, you can fit, like, a quarter into a machine. Yeah, yeah.

But you can fit the quarter sideways. You know what I mean? That's how Gabe opened it. I don't know if she was holding it open for the shot. Did you know for sure it was her or was it just kind of like advertised that way? No, this was hers. Her nudes got leaked. You know what I mean?

It was like a nice asshole. Wow. The guy, the fucking football player, Stevens, I think. They might have broke up from domestic violence. Dude. But like her asshole, Jennifer Lawrence. I always think of like a coin-operated machine. That looks like a slit.

Some of them are open that way. Did he do that to her, or was she just all natural? It looks beat up. It's one of my first pictures of this phone. So when I started saving the camera reel, it's from 2014, whatever it was. That's one of my first pictures. I put an eyeball on one. That would be tough if you opened up the bank or something.

Wow. Because I put like an eyeball on one. That would be tough if you opened up the bank or something. I do. Because that's how it is. Dude, I was on a date recently and I accidentally opened up my Google, bro. Oh, man. It was not good. Yeah, I mean, the date sucked.

So I was like, fuck it, man. Who cares? I think she was probably taking a shit anyway. Oh, man. It was not good. Yeah, I mean, the date sucked, so I was like, fuck it, man. Who cares? I think she was probably taking a shit anyway. Oh, man. Coming in with luggage? What the fuck? That's the worst feeling, man, when you open up Google and you're like, fuck, dude, I didn't delete anything.

Yeah. Yeah, like sometimes when you do the, it even feels dirty when you clear history and it's like all time. And you do the, it even feels dirty when you like clear history and it's like all time. And you're like, all time? Well, dude, when you clear history, it's like, dude, now it's not remembering me, you know? It doesn't know what I want. You know what I'm saying? So you just get heartbroken and you're like, whatever, man.

Like, I'll just stick to this, bro. I don't think I'd have the nuts to do that, though, dude. Like if a chick sent me like something personal and she dumped me, I don't know if I'd be able to show the boys. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It depends how bad it went, but I don't know, man. Like an asshole pic, dude. I'm like a sucker for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I love women. This is coming from sincerity. We respect women, dude. The appreciation of the vagina and asshole of these ladies. I'm not leaking them. I would never do that. All respected. Imagine a yearbook style, not high school, but just that style with a picture.

And then a picture of their vagina and asshole. And you could just get to really know them. You know what I mean? Like close. It says a lot about a person too. It might sound creepy, but whatever. I'll look at a girl, and, like, if I look like the wrinkle in her armpit and her belly button, and I imagine that's what a vagina and a butthole look like.

And I'll zoom in on pictures. I'm like, oh, that's what a gaping asshole looks like. Damn, dude. I never thought about it that way, dude. Yeah. Some girls I've been with, they got, like, I think they would have too many vaginas then. No, I know. They would technically have, like, three. Yeah. Some girls I've been with, they got like, I think they would have too many vaginas then. No, I know. They would technically have like three vaginas.

I think they have a lot going on down there, you know, because it's correlation. That would be wild, dude. Imagine if a chick pulled her pants down, dude. She had three pussies. Which one would you choose? I don't know, dude. Fuck, man. Imagine God's thinking, like I'm high as fuck, thinking about the armpit and the butthole thing.

And he's like, yo, this motherfucker figured it out. Yeah. I've had, like, thoughts like that. When I used to smoke weed, I'd be like, dude, you just figured out the universe. And then I just forget, like, two minutes later. Yo, I'll be mad high. I like the Nick game. Besides, A, watching the screen instead of the real game.

I'm looking at CBS Sports to refresh my gambling pick. But meanwhile, I'm at the game. The game's really happening, and I'm thinking the phone's going to give me a quicker update. How big is the screen there? Is it mesmerizing? No, it's just I'm retarded. I'm just looking at the screen.

I'm like, I'm watching the game. Yeah, yeah. Dude, screens, man Screens will fuck you up, though, dude As a dude, like, I get so distracted by screens, man You know? Especially when I go out, if a game's on There could be, like, 400 tits around me

And I would just be like, dude I'm emotionally invested in this game, dude Yeah, yeah, yeah But What's your team? I don't even think I have a team right now, dude You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. What's your team? I don't even think I have a team right now, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I don't know, man. I grew up watching Tom Brady. And, like, even when he got traded, I was just watching him on the box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And I just couldn't stop watching him, dude. I just followed him into the fucking mist, dude. And now I think everyone just kind of misses him, dude. can't even like what dude i've been watching college football now

because i'm like i can't watch you know the nfl i gotta watch like five minutes of patriots and this is fucking boring shit dude mac joe just imagine like the field blowing up dude you know what i mean i'm like all right well this this is fun, dude. Which is cool. Definitely screenshot a lot of Giselle, Googled a lot of Giselle. I like that. Now that she's divorced, man. Dude, a video just came out with her, man. It was pretty emotional. Dude, she fucking came out of the closet. I was going to say, I just had a roadblock, but when we were talking about weed, I was going to tell you, man. I just completely forgot, almost as if I was high, dude.

But, dude, the last time I smoked weed, well, this is one of the reasons I stopped smoking weed, dude. I went to a bowling alley. This is a true story, dude. My buddies, they go inside, and I meet them in there, and I'm like inconsolably stoned. So I'm walking into the bowling alley, dude. This mentally challenged kid runs into me. As you're bowling? No, as I'm walking into the bowling alley, like bumps into me.

I almost fall down. And then I look at him, and I'm like i'm like dude you know you can't do anything you know like i'm not gonna say i was like there's no i was like there's no fucking way that just happened and then i i ended up telling my buddies what happened and they start laughing the next thing you know we're trying to order shoes and we're just like laughing our asses off this guy's like what size do you want i'm like crying laughing dude but it was wild man when that happened it was like one of those moments where you're like there's no fucking way that just happened yeah the bowling alley attracts certain types of people man last time i went i a couple my friends i'm like we're all there they

gotta go like they're outside smoking a cigarette. Two of them, it was raining out. They're standing outside in their socks. And one guy had the shoes on. And it just looked weird. It's in the rain in between cars smoking cigarettes. Is this like a league or just like casual? Just like a Friday night. And instead, they're like, oh, I can't take the shoes outside. So they're out there in their socks in the rain smoking cigarettes.

So it tracks a certain type of fucking idiot. Yeah, man. If I was bowling at all, in general, like at my age, it's over. It's over, dude. You know what I mean? I'm telling the boys,

you know, like, I'm done. It's just a place I would never go. You know what I mean? It's almost like a casino for like most, you know,

like when you see your boys at like the slot machines every night. It's over for them, dude. You know, for for me like bowling's like that i don't know why honestly bowling could be super fun it's just like how i think yeah you know what i mean like do you have a place like that where you're like dude if you ever see me there it's over ah man like my thing recently because i'm a fat like i went into the pizzeria and I was like, hey, can I just look at the pizza today?

And I did that the other night. One day I was on Bell Boulevard for a show. And this world famous bakery or whatever. And I went across the street. You were asking if you could just look at the display case? I did a once and a back. And didn't even buy anything. You didn't buy anything, dude?

No, I'm trying to be good, man. I mean, dude, that's powerful, man. I would be able to do that, dude. I'd probably crack later on. Yeah, pizza's fucking crazy, man. Oh, the best. You got to crack at pizza, dude. And Rhode Island probably got it.

Are you shredding the gym at all? Like, what are you doing? This is two years of a trainer. Really? I mean, like, you're not dying, dude. No, no, I got good. How old are, like, you're not dying, dude. No, no. How old are you right now? 42.

Oh, dude. You're crushing it, bro. You're breathing, dude. Like, are you like a fucking, I can see you being like a fucking tank, dude. I'm strong. It's just like, I can't stop eating. Yeah, that's tough, man. And I'm doing like a bunch of stressful, like, grown-up shit right now.

And comedy. And like, you have a good stressful grown-up shit right now and comedy. You have a good set. You're like, I deserve this fucking McDonald's. You know what I mean? And it's just bad reward. Oh, dude. Yeah, man. I used to be like that, dude.

I used to fucking... I would train like an NFL fucking linebacker, dude. And then I would just eat like four bagels and fucking take like seven shits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I eat a lot of fiber. I'm drinking the Ali Pop, Metabucil. Are you a full-time chef? Or you just have that show just for like...

Oh, the We Cook and Show, THC TV? No, just... That's for fun. Bro, you look like a legit chef, dude. Yeah, I just thought it'd be funny with the Jordan shorts and the top. Damn, dude. You should start telling people you're a legit chef. Damn, dude. You should start telling people you're a legit chef.

They think so. Like, this guy's fatty as a hat on. Start doing, like, fake meal prep stuff, dude. Charge, like, 40 bucks for, like, one meal, dude. But, like, going to the trainer, like, I had to stop the edibles, even though I ate them last night. And, like, I would go there, and I wouldn't realize, so I'm walking in, and, like, there's, like, chocolate stains on my shirt, like, melted sugar from, like, donut, like.

And, like, I think he sees it, and then, like, he would just abuse me on, like, the row machine. Oh, wow. So I'm putting the work in, but, like, fucking one step forward. You think he's a good trainer, though, dude? Yeah. Some trainers kind of piss me off, man, you know? Just, like, some woman with, like, Raisinette tits. I know what you mean.

My tits are bigger than hers, and she hasn't eaten in 30 days. She'll just take her clients to each machine and be like, all right, let's get it. And it's like, what are you doing? Do some real shit. You know what I mean? I had two instances with trainers before this guy

a couple years back my one buddy from childhood we were working out he got a job and I showed up one day he's like I told you I'm working

I'm like okay and then I haven't spoken to him since you know what I mean like years of childhood and like and his name's Bagel and I have the Bagel store

stored as breakfast and sometimes I'm really high and I'm ordering breakfast and I'll call him and I'll just hang up but it's not the Bagel store stored as breakfast. And sometimes I'm really high and I'm ordering breakfast. I'll call him and I'll just hang up. But it's not the Bagel store. So that's his last name. You haven't talked to him since at all? No.

Fuck, man. Except for when he goes, hello. And I hang up on him. And it's not the Bagel store. Damn, dude. It's tough, bro. And then this other guy, I started to make the edibles. And I have good weed.

He's like, I'm a veteran. I'm like, all right. I'll give you one of my things I loaded him up with like a fucking Real hard starter pack Smack anyone Next thing you know he cancelled my class on Sunday Cancelled on Monday

Next thing you know he was fired from the Y And had a pill problem and his wife divorced him Oh wow Dude really? You think it was from that? Cause he seemed legit before that yeah and then after that he started canceling on me on a sunday like that's a special class on a sunday you know i got in college i got high with one of my buddies who i hadn't gotten high with in a really

long time and dude we were super stoned in this parking lot and i'm talking about like jeff gordon like peeling out you know like random shit and like in the middle of the night, he was just like, dude, I can't believe I'm here right now. Like he was so upset. And dude, the next day I had class and he was at his college. He had class and I got a call, dude. And he goes, yo man, like, can you pick me up from the hospital? I'm like, what? Like, I start laughing. I'm like, what are you talking about, dude? He's like, yeah, man, some shit just went down.

Like, if you can just pick me up. He's like, I don't want to tell my mom. Like, if you just pick me up. And I was like, dude, like, are you hurt, man? Like, are you okay? And he's like, no, no, I'm talking about like the loony bin. loony bin uh dude he went to uh he went to the counselor at his school and his school's like wicked liberal bro and they were asking him questions and i guess they were like have you ever like thought about killing yourself and he was like yeah like who who hasn't and uh

they do they called the ambulance to pick him up and like escort him off camp i was like damn dude just for saying that you know what i mean i think if you like say like if you like even like like non-intentionally say like that you like have thought like what you've thought about like the way you're gonna go out then they'll just but who has it yeah it's like dude who hasn't done that you know what i mean it's like you never stand behind a cop at a gas station think about grabbing his gun yeah like fuck it yeah because he probably probably like knowing him he probably just thought like they were like open you know like it was an open converse he's probably like going into it like with like descriptive words and shit he's like you know

like painting a good picture dude but that was wild man like i hadn't we hadn't gotten high in like a real long time have you seen him since yeah he's my best friend uh the other guy was one of my good friends also i showed up at the wrong day and we haven't talked since that's tough bro but yeah i uh i did therapy twice with two chicks that asked me to and i'm for like relationship stuff or just i'm out of control yeah so i'll go talk to these I did therapy twice with two chicks that asked me to. For relationship stuff? Or just, I'm out of control. So I'll go talk to these cocksuckers.

The one guy, I'm like, I stopped drinking, stopped selling drugs, stopped this, stopped that. The guy wanted to commit me to the MICA program in Coney Island Hospital, which my nurse friend said, your friend got committed? He wanted to commit me. I couldn't even check myself out from being honest. And I'm like, yo, no wonder

this country, everyone's on therapy. I'm like, yo, what's going on? The therapy, I'm complaining, like, no, you gotta ease in. You can't tell them everything at once. No wonder this country is fucked. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going in here, here, this is what's wrong with me, and the guy's trying to commit me. Fucking cocksuckers. Yeah, I wonder why, man. Maybe it's

for, like, insurance money or something they're trying to make medicaid shut up obama shut up dude fuck man i don't even know if he's responsible for that i just hear obamacare i don't even know what that means i don't know i don't even know how insurance works man i've been struggling with that even with my vision and shit like i don't even know what that means. I don't know. I don't even know how insurance works, man. I've been struggling with that, even with my vision and shit. Like, I don't even know what's going on. I'm like, do you guys want, like, a deposit? Like, what do you guys want?

What are you chefing up, though, dude? Shit, the last episode we posted was chocolate chow mein cookies. Really? I dig a high shit, but we do regular stuff like chicken piccata, parmesan, pizza. Yeah. But just like we did like a milligram challenge once. We had people who were like 600, thousands of milligrams. This one lady came down from Connecticut.

She was smoking wax on the way down, came down, was drinking weed. I'm throwing like bags of candy into the crowd and like people came to get fucked up yeah like she got lost before the show like you just ate 2 000 milligrams are you getting home jesus christ um but just just like whatever i can think of shit from tiktok that inspires me that's gotta be so exciting though man that's gotta be so exciting though dude what That's got to be so exciting though, dude What about like the prep, man? Like where they goes into it Like are you hitting the supermarket hard?

Ah, well, I hit it on anyone First name basis Hey, Mr. Farrell, how you doing tonight? No, but just That's the thing also Because you can't fucking Do like a fucking 10-hour roast The camera guy got a family, you know?

So You can't fucking do like a fucking 10-hour roast. The camera guy got a family, you know? We're doing a 14-hour brisket today. Tell you, see you later. So I try to do stuff like if I can have the spaghetti cooked beforehand. I spent years watching the Food Network. I figured out some tricks. What's that dude's name? Fucking the dude with the Food Network. I figured out some tricks. What's that dude's name? Fucking the dude with the blonde hair. Guy Fieri?

Dude, that guy fucks, man. I could probably jerk off to that guy's show, dude. You know what I mean? Dude, I'm going to open a window because I'm sweating my tits off. Yeah, me too. I'm probably glistening. It's been fucking beautiful this week. It's so crazy talking makes you sweat yeah i'm fucking dude i don't even know what's going on man like

we get that nut sweat dude oh man it's game over, man. You know what I mean? Dude, you ever wipe your ass? You're not even taking a shit. When I did wipe, I'm past that. I'm a bidet. I'm a bidet. Oh, I thought you were just saying, like, you don't wipe. Oh, no, no. My cousin said that.

I got thrown out of my mom's. I had to live with my cousin. He's a big guy. And he's like, yeah, you know, I went in the bathroom. There was no toilet paper. There was a huge fucking pump of nickel bread in there. I'm like, yo, what the fuck, man? You got to wipe.

He was a big kid. He's like, no, I put one cheek on one side, one on the other. It comes right out. I'm like, it doesn't work like that. He's not wiping at all. Guy's a legend, dude. He was sleeping on a futon mattress on the floor. Imagine saying that to, like, a woman.

Honey, why didn't you wipe? I put one cheek on one side, one on the other, just comes right out. You say that on, like, a first date. Imagine how scary that would be for a woman to hear. You're out to some fancy dinner. You just tell her that you don't wipe your ass, dude. Bro, I'm red in the face from trying to tell people about bidets, man. People are so obsessed.

We've had a few talks here, man, about them. Bro, it's like people are so obsessed. They want to debate you about it. I mean, dude, from my research, talks here, man, about them. Bro, it's like people are so obsessed. They want to debate you about it. Well, I mean, dude, from my research, my calculations, dude, you got to do, like, you got to drop some dimes, man, on a potato, bro. I used one, like, not too long ago, and it just made things worse, man. Damn. My ass just turned into, like, a mudslide, dude. Oh, man.

I shot the thing up in my ass dude and then i wiped and it was like worse uh maybe i should check i think everything's cool i was looking at because it stains my pants i was telling my boys i'm like dude i should just hire like a power washing company you know what i'm saying dude that would be a funny phone call. They're like, what are we looking at for a job? Some asshole. Your brother-in-law? No, my asshole. That would be such a funny prank call, dude.

I used to work for UPS. I had this little helper, this little kid from the neighborhood. His parents did drugs when they had him. He was this big with a long leg, one of those kids. Was he Guatemalan? No, he was white, unfortunately. But he could have been Guatemalan, a little darker skin tone. And he had this white person afro if someone just didn't get a haircut.

You know what I mean? And I would stop and just, I love playing lotto. And I'm like, if I I hit it I want you to be My personal ass wiper But just run right Between my legs With your little Fucking afro thing

And then it turned into I'll get him a shit Color Lamborghini Like a brown Lamborghini Yeah you'll hook him up dude Yeah he would be My shit wiper And we would get fucked up

I'd just start hanging out With him And he would go around Telling people And then he had These little mole fingers That turned into Cleaning my toes out Putting my socks, and cleaning my belly button out also.

Dude, is Lotto like a scratch ticket or like the actual numbers that you pick? Numbers, Lotto. That's got to be addicting, dude. I see those boys go in there, dude, and they're fucking ready. Yeah, I'm just dropping 20s on numbers. I love watching dudes do that, man, going to the gas station. And then you always see them afterwards. I watch the dudes who get the scratch tickets

in the parking lot. They're just like so upset, dude. The people that play the whole game, that's something wrong. You can scratch the bottom and just check the ticket. Yeah, Guatemalan dudes, Guatemalan dudes are dope, man. My boy Joey, dude, he was the first friend I ever had, man.

He was a Guatemalan dude. And when we were younger, dude, he had like female tits. Like his tit, like his upper tit would like extend like a female tit, dude. It was wild. Oh, man. Yeah, he looked like a Supercuts manager, dude. male tit, dude. It was wild. He looked like a Supercuts manager, dude.

It's getting hot in here. You tell me about your problem. I'm sweating more. Yeah, but dude, have you ever seen a dude with female tits? I take my shirt off from time to time. I own a mirror.

Nah, dude. You got man titties, bro. You got packs, bro. You can flex them a little bit, right? I think that was just indigestion. I thought you were having a heart attack. That was fucking wild Holy shit dude I tried I didn't even know what was gonna happen I pressed the button and saw my body

That happened You shit your pants I'm like alright this will force my tits up That'd be wild dude If fucking like AK-47 bullets just started coming out of your tits. Just fucking shoot up the walls. When I drank, again, I always wanted to be rich. And I would tell people when I win the lotto, I love white Russians.

Like the drink. I would drink pitches of it. Do you want a fucking towel? I'm sweating. I was hoping it didn't know. You're fucking tripping. I got this wrist brace on. It's hot.

You're going to burn like 2,000 calories. What did you do today? I talked. It's not even hot out. I saw people with winter hats on. I'm still wearing my sweatshirts. People are wearing scarves. I was out all day in the sun, man.

So when I wanted to win the lotto, again, I'm playing lotto after this. I'm telling you, this is going to be a lucky show. I wanted a female body, very provocative, like in the ball or my mansion or whatever. One tit, white milk. No, no. Under the vagina, ice. And then one tit, white milk. The other tit, Kahlua.

And it made a white Russian machine of the female anatomy. I love females and alcohol. This came out of a woman's tits? It would be the silhouette of a woman. And under her pussy, ice would come out. And then you go by the left tit for the milk. And then the right tit for the Kahlua. I guess you

need somewhere for the vodka, but I never thought of that. If you were rich, you're saying. Yeah, it's always this fictional imagination. I thought you were talking about real life. I'm like, dude, what does this guy know? I want this little kid to wash my ass with his head.

You take me into like a Barnes and Noble, dude. You're like, come this way. Open up one of the fucking bookcases, dude. Damn, that would be sick, man. Yeah, I always think about intrusive thoughts, man. I think about... I literally think about somebody being able to shoot machine gun bullets out of their tits, dude. I'll think about that in a professional situation.

And I'll just start laughing, dude. So I think something's for sure wrong with me, dude. Oh, 100%. I was agreeing with you. As I was saying, I already had to commit to the 100%. No, I think the same thing, man. But we're not afraid to say we're thinking these things. Everyone's holding it in, and they're not free.

Yeah. Dude, I want to know, though, man. I want to know what those normal people are thinking. You know that guy who works a 9-to-5 and goes home and does everything for his wife? That guy's got to have, like, some crazy thoughts, dude. Yeah, let's see what his fucking hamster X or whatever porn site he uses. What is he looking up? Yeah.

I got to, dude, I just want to know, man, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we all know what's going down. They just never tell us, dude. They're, like, wound up tight. You only find out when they die, dude, because they have, like, a stash of, like, dead snails. You know what I mean? die, dude, because they have, like, a stash of, like, dead snails. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a stash of, like, dead snails and, like, unfinished crossword puzzles. You know? And you're just like, dude, what the fuck? Like, but the crossword puzzle, it's all the hard words. He left out the easy words for some reason. Yeah, yeah. It's just, like, super confusing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're trying to figure it out, dude. Yeah. I mean, dude, you just, like, super confusing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to figure it out, dude. Yeah. I mean, dude, you have, like, a family and shit? Like, what do you mean? Like, a wife and kids? Yeah. No, no, no. I got my girl and a dog.

Sick, dude. That's it. Legend, bro. Yeah. And I talk to my mom and my sister once in a while. Yeah. So you're cooking it up most of the day Yeah

Just ripping bong and cooking it up, dude Cooking, ripping, drinking coffee Hell yeah, dude And trying not to gamble Legend, dude Legend How much money have you lost, like, gambling? Oh, man

Because you look like someone who has, like, a bounty on them, dude I have When I used to deal with the offshore accounts I had people threatening me like oh give me my like who's carol farrell give my mom's address i was like fuck that i think this is like pre-internet like how'd they get this address this was like a bookie coming after you yeah multiple times my one friend was like his wife got pistol whipped and he got pistol whipped and she got chased off the road and yeah people call like these guys just calling me constantly just threatening me i'm like what's like in my head i'm like

italian mom took a hit like it's more like russian and albanian you gotta be worried about you know it's hard when they're threatening you when you know what's really going on you're like your highest hits too i uh i left my phone over there i don't even want to log into my FanDuel account because it'll tell you how much I gambled. Yeah. Do you want to see it? No, dude. It's disgusting.

Dude, I don't even understand it. No, no. It'll tell you how much I've gambled. Oh, how much you've lost? Yeah. Holy shit. It's an obscene amount of money. Yeah.

Dude, so are you making money and then you're like, all right, this is boring. Like, I got to throw more down. And then you're losing money? Or are you making money, and then you're like, all right, this is boring. I got to throw more down. And then you're losing money, or are you just losing straight up? The past year and a half, just bad beats. And before that, when it became legal in New York is when I got fucked. Because I was done with the bookies. It was legal in Jersey. So I was taking a shitload of money, driving to the Meadowlands, and dropping a bomb.

And then when I got home, I can't hurt myself. I can't go and max out the account because I wasn't happy until the account was maxed out. You know what I mean? Because I'm a fucking maniac. And then, boom, the parlay hits. You have to drive all the way to Jersey. Me and my buddy would come with me. It was getting annoying to go pick up cash.

I was on a run, but I couldn't hurt myself because I couldn't gamble on the night games or the West Coast games. Now it became legal in New York and I gave all this money back. Are there rules? Dude, what happens if I went to the Kentucky Derby, dude, and I bet on a horse, but then I paid a guy

to snipe all the other horses and I won? Because I feel like the investment in the sniper might be cheaper than... Bro, you might be on the same... I can just pay him off with the money I win. You bet on the longest odds horse, then you kill all the other ones.

And by the time you pay off everyone, you're walking away with a pot. Like the payout's just going to cover half. I never thought of that. I like that. I don't think there's never thought of that. Yeah. I like that. I don't think there's any rules around that. About snipers, no. Yeah.

It's like, dude, it's not in the writing. It's not in the documents, bro. Like, give me my fucking money, dude. That's a dirty industry anyway. They're giving the horse drugs, grabbing their balls in their private areas. Yeah, dude. To make them go fast. Yeah, they're fucking, dude, they're doing deadlifts and shit with boners.

Yeah. You always see those movies, too, where, like, they'll sneak into the den and just fucking take a samurai sword out, dude, and chop off his horse's nuts, dude. I think that's just from porno. Listen, back in the day, it was always the girl that had sex with the horse. And at the tail end of VHS tapes, when I was still buying them at lunch, it turned into the DVDs. And it was a guy fucking a horse. I can never tell if the horse was real. Is this like a Lifetime movie, dude?

Nicolas Cage. He was the horse. It's like Steven Seetime movie, dude? Nicolas Cage is in it. He was the horse. It's like Steven Seagal, dude. Damn, that would be wild, man. Oh, man. You were talking about a prank before? This is what I want to do. I want to take, like, whatever, like, with your guy friends.

You don't want to do it with the chicks. Yeah. Smash up 12 blue chews. Let's say you had the boys over for the games. And then you grind up mushrooms and make fucking blue chew mushroom brownies. What would happen? And you give them out to people. And then they hallucinate.

And then the guy's dicks are getting hard. And the kid didn't understand what's going on. Yeah. Yeah, that would be wild, man. You could probably make that happen too pretty easily you could just put the blue chews in like the weed brownies yeah and them out yeah and put mushrooms in them also so that people can't they can't comprehend why they're getting hard as they're like tripping around them yeah that would be the gayest thing in the world

yeah i didn't think about it what are you gonna do afterwards all all 10 dudes just come out of the closet. I wonder what happens if you give them to chicks, the blue shoes. I mean, it's got to like, I don't know. It's got to like, probably has like nitric oxide in it, dude. You know that shit that fucking like gets your blood going? Yeah. I used to take those pills before the gym.

Blue shoes? No, they're like... Get this pump on, baby. I'm maxing out on the Cav-Rays machine, dude, with like a hard-on. No,

I used to take these in like college, dude. They were like nitric oxide pills and they just like increase blood flow so you can get a better pump. Dude, you want to get a raging boner, dude? Dude, eat beets. Beets?

Yeah, like beet juice. Yeah, yeah. Dude. Makes your shit red, too. Thank me later. Yeah, dude, some chick's going to gonna be like This guy's hard as a rock And his shit's red I remember

Before Blue Chew I remember I ate a Viagra once This chick was coming over And then she flaked on me And I'm like fuck But then my phone kept ringing People were buying weed I'm like alright

I'm not gonna lose money And I was having a hard on And I had a Maxim at the time And I'm like, fuck. But then my phone kept ringing. People were buying weed. I'm like, alright, I'm not going to lose money. I was having a hard on. I had a Maxima at the time. I'm driving around with my hand on the shifter like, what do you need? I'm trying not to. Oh, you were in the car dropping it off. Yeah. I was like, it's already canceled on me. I got to make money.

I probably tugged one out, but it was still lingering. Committed to the game, bro. Shit, man. We used to have to sell, like, we used to have to raise money for high school football, and we would, like, walk around this wicked rich neighborhood, and this guy answered the door, just me and my buddy. Dude, white shirt on, like, up to his belly button. Nothing below, dude.

Raging boner. Just looked us right in the eyes. dude raging boner just looked us right in the eyes he's just like we walked away and then uh his mom ended up coming outside and he was like oh i'm sorry like he's he's mentally challenged at least he had an excuse yeah and then dude kids kids kept going to the house you know kids kept running like running the house because they were like oh because it was a nice house so we're like oh we're gonna go to this house and get some money get some more money and like we didn't tell him we already went so they just kept showing up and he just kept answering the door yeah remember my cousin from earlier with the not the non-wiper

yeah my aunt when we when i got thrown, I was living there for like a year, year and a half. And like, you got to get a job. You got to get a job. And he got a job at Subway. Yeah. But it was like, it was owned by an Asian franchise.

He was the only white person there, you know? But I went in there and he gave me a smile. And I'm like, good for him. Big guy, be on the counter. Comes home. He's like, they fired me.

You know, he probably eating all the meatballs or whatever it was. And this Subway delivered. And I ordered the fucking buy two get one free and they rang the buzzer he came upstairs and at the last second i just took my pants off and i had a white like a white five dollar t-shirt from back in the day you wash them and then they come up to your belly button yeah and like i look at the guy and i drop the money and the money went in front of me and i'm looking at him and he looked down and he had to go down Not my dick hanging out but the bottom of my nuts

And everything else Just some sort of solidarity for my cousin Because they fired him because he's fat Like fuck you I felt so bad for the kid And he always brings it up to me He remembers this You're for the boys dude

Yeah that's always awkward man Dude I took like a Muay Thai class for, like, three months, dude. No idea what I was doing. And we would have to, like, partner up in the class, dude. And I didn't have any friends, so I always had to get partnered up with this, like, fat chick. And we would do, like, sit-ups. And you had to, like, dude, you had to stand on the person's feet while they did a sit-up and then they would stand up so i was doing sit-ups with this fat chick and i would just like literally

just like sniff her like for jj on the way up and then go i did like that 25 times how old i just like i just never like i quit like a week later to here they They wouldn't let me quit either. Nothing will get you like a pair of knots, dude. Have you ever spotted a dude at the gym? No, I just started getting into the gym recently. I didn't get that far. You should start walking around to random dudes. Be like, yo, you need a spot.

I got you. Be over there to like random dudes. Be like, yo, you need a spot. I got you. I'll be over there watching TV. Bro, that's how you build camaraderie, dude. You know? Just being like, dude, I got you, bro. You know? But, Humph, in that instance, after the first whiff, maybe the second whiff of the sit-up,

like it didn't get you, even if it's a little rancid, it didn't get you a little excited? Like that smell. I couldn't really smell it, dude, because the gym already smells ah i don't like that but the gym smells like that like times like 40 you know so i'm not really smelling much it's just like the movement in general you know because everyone's around you too you know if it was just me and her dude and we were like hanging out late at night and playing twister or something i'd be like let's get it, baby. You know what I mean? Yeah.

But just, like, that in public, you know, it's a little weird, dude. Yeah. You know what I mean? It takes a real man to pleasure a big chick. You know, I always say that because I take them down. I don't care. Yeah. You got your, you live with a woman, though, or it's just, like, your girlfriend?

Yeah, we live together now. That's pretty sick, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Got quarantined together. We were friends before dude Yeah Yeah Got uh Quarantined together We were friends before that Yeah How did that happen dude

Like Uh You were with chicks before That you had to like Go to therapy with And then I was in a bad relationship With her old roommate

From like back in the day Yeah And I had to hit her with my truck It was fucked up She made me though You hit her with your truck dude She made me man

It was fucked up Dude man. She made me, though. You hit her with your truck, dude? She made me, man. It was fucked up. Dude, walk me through this. All right, so. Don't lie to me either, dude. No, no, no. We're going to Peter Luger in Queens to get Peter Luger burgers, which is the best, and planned on maybe getting her a bike. The day gets all thrown off.

She's throwing the schedule on off. We don't do that. We come home early. We fuck. I came too quick. Yeah. in my truck. She comes running out, throwing my Jordan sandals at the truck. I'm getting her bike out of the back. She goes in the car. I'm like, she's going to take my phone or something. She takes the keys and throws them over the fence of this sprawling backyard of this old Rockaway home, like these old Irish homes. So I'm like, fuck. And I know they had a bull master for a Rottweiler,

the owner of the place. So I'm walking towards the backyard. She's like, jumping my face, lunging at me like she would hit me. And I'm not a pussy, but I can't hit a girl. So I'm looking at the fence to where the yard is, and she's like hitting the fence, attack, attack. I'm like, I used to work for UPS. I'd rather deal with these dogs

than this crazy bitch. So I go in the yard. I'm like, good boys, good boys. I put my hand out. I turn the corner. They come running up. They just start smelling me. I'm like, all right, the dogs are on my side. So I find the keys in this sprawling yard. I come back. She locked the gate. It's like a six-foot gate. And I'm like full of the dogs are on my side so i find the keys in the sprawling yard i come back she locked the gate it's like a six foot gate and i'm like full of adrenaline just fighting these dogs this bitch is yelling at me lunging at me and one bound i grabbed the top of the fence i hop over she's fucking like trying to unlock the key now i'm running to the fucking

truck and it's like a scary movie like start the car bitch start the car and i'm like i'm there i'm looking at her trying to unlock the fence i'm trying to start the car i couldn't get the key in the thing because i'm like it's adrenaline flowing through you're trying to get away from this psychopath and she's walking in the car like michael myers opens the door i get the car started i drop it at the second gear it's a dead end she lives right by like this marina i'm like fuck so i turned around she had this like marvel outfit on like this velvet cape flowing in the wind a bikini on She had the lock and the keys in her hand, steam coming out of her nose She came up and started hitting the fucking light of my car I reverse back

I see a little hole to the left, my maddened instincts Kick in, I press L1, power stick up I go that way, she lunges at the car Boom, fucking flips over And I'm like blowing the stop sign, but looking at the rear view mirror You see it get up off the ground Go like this to me And I get to the stop sign, I'm like, yo yo i don't even drink anymore i'm hitting bitches with my car you know what i mean

like and then she threatened to call the cops and shit i do a bunch of weed on my bike and got the fuck out i wasn't getting arrested on memorial day weekend i just wanted to go out and look at titties on the boardwalk on my bike holy shit i felt like i was there dude sorry for the long winded story but it's a lot. You don't understand. A female wants to attack you. I know they always talk about us attacking them, but we... Oh, yeah. I can't. What am I going to hit her? You know what I mean? So I'm trying to start the car. I couldn't start the car. I'm

trying to get the key. Like a white bitch in a scary movie. You know what I mean? I just couldn't start the car. This was all just because you came too fast? Again? She's like, I'm sick of this. So what happened to your arm and your face? Oh, he came too fast and then hit me with his truck.

Like, what? Some chicks would kill for that, man. Someone's Googling me right now. You're going to get a bunch of DMs, dude. That's wild, man. There's always a crazy story, man, with chicks, dude. Dude, they get chicks who break stuff, man. It's just like, what are you doing?

I was cooking with a lot of pumpkin seeds at the time. Papitos, like the Mexican pumpkin seeds. I don't know why I was incorporating them in like many dishes. I just was on a pumpkin papitos kick. I just had a huge, probably five pound bag, whatever it was.

And I was finding those things for days after she destroyed my apartment, like ripping the blinds. They're like real, just trashy shit. Like we live here. Now everyone can see in. Now everyone can see you hitting me.

Gotta let her go, dude. Gotta let her go, dude. Gotta let her go, man. Oh, yeah. And then you met this chick. They used to be roommates? Yeah, back in the day. Did she, like, destroy that house or no? Yeah, probably, yeah.

She was going to, like, a lesbian stage then. Really? And, like, she would always tell me, because she had, I don't want to talk. Like, I feel, like, nervous to talk. Like, she's watching right now. Like, she would always be like Like when I knew both of them And I was single

So I was swinging dick This is going back a couple years And I was like Oh she's like You don't want to fuck me I have an ugly pussy And she My girl

She's like Oh you want to go out with her She has a perfect pussy Like a ten year old pussy Not that I want a ten year old pussy But I understood what she meant It was perfect

And she was right Compared to us It's a fucking What can you like I understood what she meant. It was perfect. And she was right compared to us. What did it look like, dude? It was just extra. You know, like just a lot. It's almost like, you ever see someone trying to handle a big snake? If you try to eat her out, you have to throw one labor over one shoulder, one here. Oh, wow.

Just like an expired roast, like an old Arby's roast beef sandwich. Yeah. And she was traumatized from it since a kid. She grew up in Howard Beach, this Italian neighborhood. And the kids would leave the roast beef on the storm door handle and the parents would see it. She would get emotional talking about it. So I never, in all the times of fighting, I never went there because that was like a trigger. She'll kill you in your sleep.

Yeah. Like that's the one thing you don't talk about yeah i wouldn't know what you're thinking about i wouldn't be able to keep a street like a straight face man if someone's talking about like roast beef like that there's no way i'm keeping a straight face yeah especially oh dude you kind of feel for her though you know surgeries that you could have had. Yeah. Just being born with that, though, dude. Yeah.

You know? It's so fucked up because they're so self-conscious about it. And, like, what was God thinking? He created this other girl with a nice, perfect armpit of a pussy and fucking this other one. Yeah. That's tough, man. You know? That's unheard of, too. But that's, remember the yearbook

yeah i was talking about now we'd look at her picture the pussy in the asshole like all right i'll keep going you know what i mean like what were her what were her armpits looking like dude rough did it match up rough it was rough it matched up dude yeah it was like and like almost she had like webbed toes too it was weird damn dude she had a lot going on yeah that's why she she was doing comedy so i thought it would be like a comedic duo oh really she's doing comedy she wasn't like not in the scene you know like all right she was like in like long island yeah there's a little scene around but she wasn't she i had bigger plans you know was this in uh was this in long island or no uh rockaway

all right i still don't know where that is. Some people might. It's in Queens. It's by the beach. So you're like, dude, like you're a diehard Mets fan. Like you've lived here your whole life? Yeah. Damn, dude. Mets, Knicks, Giants. What's that like, man?

Just being that dude who like, you know, always loses, bro. It sucks. Yeah, it's quiet, you know? You see people getting these heated arguments and it's like, oh, i don't need to do that i remember dude i remember when the mets had like where they had like matt harvey and like fucking uh center guard and stuff dude that was crazy we had season tickets that year like me and my friends yeah i wasn't even really watching baseball that much but when i saw that, damn, dude, all these guys are throwing like 98. That's fucking crazy, man.

You got nothing. We lost to the Royals. You still lose. The Royals. Yeah. The only thing I – my beef with all the Yankee fans – this is a dated reference because it's like 20 years ago, but when they went on that in the 90s run, I would always ask, do you know who Danny Tartable was? Because he was a Yankee when they sucked dick.

You know what I mean? The year before they won. You're from Brooklyn, so you would have to drive past Shea Stadium or Citi Field to get to the Bronx, which sucks. As a place, it's dangerous. You know what I mean? So geographically, you would drive to the Bronx. They're all fucking bandwagon jumpers or whatever the fuck it is. You know what I mean? As a place, it's dangerous You know what I mean? So geographically, you would drive to the Bronx They're all fucking bandwagon jumpers Or whatever the fuck it is

You know what I mean? You're driving past You're going to add 45 minutes to your schedule To go to the fucking Bronx? Dude, what is it that's like What do you think it is If you had to put your hand on it, dude About like Jets fans

And like Why are they so trashy, dude? You know what I mean? It's a loser mentality. Yeah. Do you think it's the area though? Well, like, they just all like kind of look the same. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I don't know if it's just me or not. No, no. In my neighborhood, the Jet fans, they have a look. They do. Like five o'clock shadow. Yeah. Kind of stinky, dude.

You know? Yeah. It's weird, man. It's like, what's going on? Old Navy, caught with the jeans Even when you watch When you watch the game, dude Like, they always show the fans You're like, those guys are the same person

Yeah, Fireman Ed wasn't even a fireman He just wore the hat Like, what kind of fucking idiot are you? Yeah, it's weird, man Freaks me out a little bit, dude Like, I don't know what to think about it And they lean into losing You know, like, they They Like, I don't know what to think about it. And they lean into losing.

You know, like, they enjoy it. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, they're turning it around, but it's still, like, it's kind of confusing. You know? Dude, I was in South Jersey last week, and my buddy was like, hey, listen, man, like, drive there Friday, and we'll sleep at my buddy's beach house. And he was like, my buddy's not going to be there.

Like, he's just letting us sleep there. Dude, we showed up to this beach house, man. Dude, guess how much this house was worth? Three? Dude, $10.5 million, bro. I've never seen anything like it, dude. Like, 16 beds, dude beds dude like on the water like i couldn't rap it was in south jersey like uh cape may oh yeah down by uh yeah closer to atlantic city and shit yeah i don't even know where we were but i was like dude this is honestly

man when i walked in that house i was like dude i understand like gold diggers now you know what i mean yeah like it makes sense yeah like it makes sense now i'm like oh wow this if i was a woman and i lived here dude be set for life bro it was crazy man i can't even like wrap my head around that bidets no no bidets bro all that money and still wiping? Come on. Yeah. Maybe they just don't wipe, dude. So you're telling me at your place you got bidets hooked up? Yeah. I'm staying at my mom's right now because I'm doing some work. I bought one for there.

I got two in my condo, two in my house. What are you doing? Are you laundering money or something? Jesus. I'm fucking drowning in fucking shit right now. I'm going through it, but I'll figure it out. Still got to make time for the bidets, though, dude. Yeah, listen.

How much do they cost? 80 bucks. Really? Bro, I go to these fucking five-star resorts. Not break, but like a nice hotel, a five-star hotel. No detachable showerhead and no bidet it's like i know there's washcloths but like i want to spray the dirt and stuff off me like so like i don't i feel dirty in these beautiful hotels like till i get home where i can clean my balls and yeah not have to wipe like i just i i go when i have to wipe i i

get frustrated. I'm like, hey, it's disgusting. Why are people still doing this? You know what I mean? What the fuck are we doing here? Well, you still got to wipe after you use the bidet, right? You pat yourself dry. Just bare hand.

On my girl's towel. I'm joking. It doesn't matter what you watch. Dude, so you take a dump, right? You just contemplate the meaning of life and shit, and then you just press the button? Oh, you got to angle it, right? Oh, you angle. Yeah.

How long do you press the button for? I go in. You know what I mean? I make sure. I got a bigger ass. How much time are we talking? Depends. Because last night I ate a lot of edibles. I was on there for a while this morning.

Really? Making sure I got everything out. Oh, dude, I thought it I ate a lot of edibles. I was on there for a while this morning. Really? Making sure I got everything out. Oh, dude, I thought it was just like a regular splash. No, no. So you're like power washing it, dude. I'm making sure I get almost like a pattern, you know, like a horseshoe. We'll go around, I'm going to zigzag down the middle. It's like an art form, dude.

Yeah, it really is, man. You look forward to it, you think? Nah, nah, nah. That's the thing. You say this at shows or whatever, and people are like, oh, it's this, it really is, man. You look forward to it, you think? Nah, nah, nah. That's the thing. You say this at shows or whatever, and people are like, oh, it's this, it's that. No, it's about a clean asshole. It's not like, oh, I'm getting pleasure out of this. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You ever get your ass licked? No. I don't think I would be here right now. You're like, if I knew you did, I would have had you on, sir. Yeah, I would not be here right now It's a game changer You know And not that I asked for

Girls Wanted to lick my ass For whatever reason Yeah and you're right You've been prepping for years You already know the game But like There's some of them

Like Would like Lick your balls Like you know You're licking your ass Like oh It feels good Then there's other ones

That were like Trying to like Torpedo their tongue into your ass. What are you doing? Stop. You're trying to erect your tongue to go in my head? Do you think about what I just said out loud?

I think if a girl did that to me, I would just kill myself. I'm not even kidding, dude. Going anywhere near my asshole is like getting dropped in the middle of the Everglades, dude. Like, there's no way out. Like, you know, mentally and physically, like, you're done, dude. Like Gabby Petito.

Dude, they would make a documentary. Oh, the Brian Laundrie. That's the guy. I thought you were talking about, like, Jerry Sandusky or something. No, no, the guy that killed this girl and then he killed himself in the National Park. Really? The National Park, they kill, a lot of people get killed there man yeah yeah but that's wild man the whole bidet thing we've talked about it a few times on the pod i just you know i mentioned like my experience with it and uh dude it's not that's not even that popular, dude. You know? Bro, I'm... You got to spread awareness, dude.

I've been. I'm blue in the face. Arguing with people. I do baby wipes. You ever think about making your own and, like, selling it? It's not a bad idea, dude. I know, but listen. I'm still in the early stages of being a bidet shill.

Yeah. And, like, the Hello Tushy, that's the brand. I've tagged them in post, and they liked it. Oh, wow. Yeah. And they used Hello Tushy, that's the brand. I tagged them in post and they liked it. Oh, wow. Yeah. And they used to have Joey Diaz as a sponsor. They had the CEO on. And you know Joey Diaz.

Yeah. Like his content. I can't find that episode. It was one of the funniest episodes. This beautiful, hot CEO of this bidet company on the church. And fuck, it's one of those. As a CEO, you can't be talking about what they talked about. It's an episode I can't find. Dude, we should reach out to him you know that would be

sick to be a salesman too for that imagine how like dude imagine being like emotionally invested in something that you're selling i am i am like i'm passionate about this like a comic a couple comics came over and actually bought some. Like, they came to my house. It changed their life. And they put it in. And installed it themselves. I never did that.

Dude, is it cool if I just come over, man, just to, like, take a shit? Yeah. Upstairs. That would be wild. You're just, like, highest tits cooking, like, chicken breasts. Show up at, like, 1 in the afternoon. You're walking there. You're facing the toilet the wrong way.

Dude, that would be sick, man. That would be wild, dude. If it was a nice fall day out, too. I gave you a little knock, dude. Dude. It's fucking brotherhood right there, man. I was working with an autistic kid who was helping me with computer shit, uploading stuff, stuff I didn't know about. who was helping me with computer shit,

uploading stuff, stuff I didn't know about. And he would eat a red onion pepper mayo sandwich with cheese. Like, what? And his stomach was always fucked up. He would come. He's like, Tommy, I got violent diarrhea. Mush my girl's face out of the way. Push me out of the way.

And always went right to my bathroom to degrade it. So that was his thing every time. It's violent today and push people out of the way to go and like i would have like a like a bathroom clerk or whatever bathroom cleaner yeah i would like make a mental note or like hide the fantastic in there and clean it so i could use the golf a bit i sat on the same ball this animal did you gotta respect the temple man i mean dude the amount of thoughts i've had Taking a shit There's like the Those are the best thoughts man

You just like contemplating the meaning of life While you take a shit dude Everybody like undermines that bro It's like you gotta respect it dude It's a sacred space man Dude it's the only place I feel like As a man You can contemplate the meaning of life safely

You know what I mean like you can't be doing that anywhere else you know you can't be doing it out in public no like you gotta be in you gotta be on the shitter dude it's the only time you get complete privacy yeah i mean dude my perception of things is like so messed up too dude you know what i mean like dude whenever i try to have like a beautiful like lifetime movie movement it's just like it's the exact opposite dude i remember one time i was like going through some shit dude this was in rhode island i'm just like going through it man so i'm like you know what man i'm just gonna go outside i sat on my hill dude and i'm just thinking about life and stuff. And I just start like romantically taking these

rocks and I'm just like throwing them as far as I can in the air in like one direction. Dude, I did that for like 10 minutes and I get a call from my friend Joey and he goes, he goes, yo, dude, are you throwing rocks right now? I go, maybe. He goes, dude, you throwing rocks right now i go maybe he goes dude you're putting holes you're putting holes in my grandma's house his grandma lived a street over like directly parallel with my house i was literally putting holes in her house and And he's like, yeah, man, just stop that shit. And I was like, all right.

It went from me trying to have, like, a beautiful moment to that. And I was just like, dude, I'm retarded. You know what I mean? So, yeah, dude, the shitter is just like, it's where the boys fucking, you know. I wish I was, like, inquiring because I'm doing some renovations right now. Like, if I get a thicker door, like, why is it not more soundproof for everyone you know i mean like we're not the only one going hard now there's chicks let me ask you dude are you going hard or you do you kind of get like a little insecure in there a little insecure because i'm a big guy you know what i mean like

she's already dealing with that yeah you take it easy a little bit it can't be fucking ak-47 and shit yeah like and then come out looking like this tripping sweat what are we watching tonight i don't yeah i'm trying to figure out who i am as a person you know because you're either the guy who just goes off or you're the guy who kind of like times a little bit. Dude, if you're in a public place, do you wait until the person like next to you leaves or you just like let it rip? I was a truck driver for a while. So I was doing a lot of shit in the back. So it's just at home.

Yeah. I prefer in public to make a scene. Like, because you're public to make a scene. You know what I mean? Like, because you're going to be talked about. They may not know you, but like, yo, there was something wrong with the guy that's all next to me. You just come out with a straight face, dude, and just start looking people dead in the eye, dude. That's how you got to do it, man. Because you don't even know those people.

So it's like, whatever, man. But like the public one, I love as loud and vicious as you're trying to soundproof your bathroom though why not yeah i feel like it'd be kind of hard do you need some thick walls bro or some insulation or something like what i the fact that it's like that little like you can see under the door under the door like how why Why isn't it like Private You feel safe with your thoughts With your life Whatever's going on

As an older man What is the most valuable Thing in your house Besides the bidet Fuck Probably some of the weed I got I just mean like home for like for like you know what i mean like home renovation type stuff oh like lowe's home depot type stuff that you've

invested in where you're like dude this is what every man needs i bought an above ground pool from the last tenant really yeah shit man i bought a smoker recently too what's that just like the smoke meat and shit like ribs oh like a fucking grill like a traeger i bought it for a tax write-off hopefully i went in all in with like this expensive one and hopefully be able to write it off wait so how do you cook on that thing is it like it's you fucking low and slow for like four hours five hours seven so you need the uh you need the actual charcoal? No, they sell these wood pellets.

Oh, it's just wood? Yeah, these little pellets. Yo, phenomenal ribs. Really? Steaks cooked to fucking perfect temperature in the middle. Fuck. And I got the one with the app. So I was on the beach, and it's like, oh, low pellets.

I had to run up from the beach, put more pellets in. You ever have people over and cook for them? Yeah, a couple of times. What's that like, dude? I love it. It's like a little pressure. You know what I mean? It's pressure of hitting the home run.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure that out. When I get older, am I going to be that guy who invites people over and cooks for them and shit? Listen, it's tough. It seems like a lot of pressure dude Yeah But it just feels like It seems like it's kind of like cool dude You know what I mean Once

Once the kitchen's done Yeah I'm gonna have guests again on the show Definitely have you come down Fuck yeah dude We'll do something like Rhode Island I just show up blasted dude Yeah yeah

Where's the bidet Yeah Just drive through your garage dude Yeah that'd be sick dude Just hanging with the boys eating fucking ribeye dude oh hell just talking about tits man yeah that'll be sick dude all right dude well just wrap this up it's been an hour dude oh awesome yo thanks for having me man uh dude sorry for sweating so much no man that was hilarious, man.

I think we were just laughing. You know what I mean? So that's always good, dude. Just sweating from laughing, dude. You know? That's always good, bro. But yeah, dude. Appreciate it for coming on, man.

Yeah. Appreciate this bond that we formed, dude. My man. As men, dude. Hell yeah. And listen. Get the bidet. Yeah.

I got to save up a little bit, dude. You know? I might have to get a loan or something. Christmas is coming, maybe. Listen. Yeah. I got to save up a little bit, dude. You know? Might have to get a loan or something. Christmas is coming, maybe. Listen. Yeah. I got you. I mean that.

That would be sick, man. Bro. You're always going to remember this moment. Yeah, dude. That would be wild, man. I got you. That would be a movie, dude. I got you.

Yeah, dude. Thanks for coming, man. If you have anything you want to promote or anything, just let it rip, dude. Oh, yeah. Check out my Weed Cooker Show, THC TV with Big T on YouTube, everything Big T on Instagram. Big tits, big pics. And that's it. All right.

Thank you, everyone, for watching. As always, please subscribe. And thank you.