The Johnny Salami Podcast - Brendan Donegan

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

Brendan Donegan by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Here we go, baby. You lead the way, dog. Yeah.

I always drink coffee, dude, and then i'll like start drinking water yeah it's like the dumbest fucking thing ever yeah doesn't make sense just pissing immediately yeah i'm pissing like every 10 seconds dude you gotta stay hydrated out there i mean it is fucking scorcher you opened up that door and i i legit thought you were gonna just fucking form tackle really right off the bat yeah well, dude, I had to whip out the jersey, dude. It's that time of year, man. Just for intimidation? Well, this is nice because it has holes in it,

so it gets right through to the nips. But, dude, my gooch is fucking losing it out there. They haven't really done much to free up the gooch. It's kind of like, what can you do to air out the gooch dude dude i don't even they got to start doing studies man unless you you're you know feed up fan directed at the gooch that wasn't that was impressive right there dude yeah that position like i couldn't even you can't get out i've been trying to do leg raises at the gym let me see what you're working with how high

we talk well dude i could do that like fine but dude i'm shaking right now that's not my that's pretty good yeah there's always that moment though where like it's hot out yeah and i'll be on the train or something dude and i'll open up my legs and dude you just get fucking steamrolled yeah just hit right in the face with it you know yeah they gotta figure something out about that have you ever um had like a real a real long day and like gotten sucked off at the end of the day and you're like dude like there's no way that could that could be pretty down there after like a long you're talking about like working construction and then getting a blowy i think just any hot day would suffice because

it's like yeah think of any time you've been sucked off there's been there's been times where it's like you have a full day yeah and then later in the night that happens but you haven't had a chance to like you're not coming right out the shower you had a full day even if you're not working construction like anytime you have a full day it that's tough down there dude yeah i just i haven't been blessed like that man you know i think you're blessed in that way where like you could work uh you could work a full nine to five and then you get a blowy i just haven't been honored with that you know well i'm not talking anytime recently i've been married for a little bit now so it's not like those are happening left and right but like as a young man dude that that's definitely happened before where it's like dude

you're at like a day drink all day and then later that night something pops off but you're like hey like if you're cool with this by all means yeah i think if you're like if you're hammered or something you're not really smelling much. True. Somebody could shit on my chest when I'm hammered. I probably wouldn't even, I wouldn't even know. Yeah. You know?

Yeah, you're much more forgiving if you're hammered. You're just like, hey, man. It is what it is. It's kind of what it is. But, yeah, man, I think chicks nowadays, they're kind of into that stuff, dude. They're like, yeah, let's go do this. They're like, hey, let's go do Murph and then fuck. You know what I mean?

What's Murph? It's like that workout for the fallen soldier. What is that? You run like a mile, do like 700 fucking jokes. Gotcha. You know, jerk off and then run like another four miles. That's part of the workout? You've never heard of Murph, dude?

No. Oh, dude, you should try it. I'll definitely try it. You get to jerk off in between? I mean, I think you can do it before and during. You just can't do it after. How come not after? I think it's disrespectful.

For the troops. I think it's more like a prerequisite. Okay. Dude, I tried doing it at the gym once, and I legitimately blacked out. You made me jerk. You woke up with your dick in your hand like, what the fuck happened? Wait, you tried it at the gym? So you did the workout at the gym?

Dude, I put on a fucking Goggins Jocko mixtape on my headphones. Fuck yeah. Dude, so you like run a mile, and then you do like... That's tough i mean i might be out right this is gonna be wrong because i'm retarded but it's something similar to this right so you run a mile yeah and then you do like 200 push-ups 100 pull-ups something like that like and then sit-ups and then you run a mile again oh my god but like dude they do in crossfit in the fucking heat so like when you watch the cross again oh my god but like dude they do in crossfit in the fucking

heat so like when you watch the crossfit games it's just like a bunch of chicks with camel toes just blacking out yeah those camel toes really are mean and crazy pants dude yeah you don't even notice them blacking out because you're so focused on the camel toe oh my you could fit a whole hand in there dude just like you think so yeah with some of them yeah because they're thick too like a cross chick girl is thick like broad shoulders they're sure hitting the macros dude yeah yeah that's it like the chicks out there are getting thicker i'm not i'm not hating like it it's you know it's a good thing in many ways but at the same time it's like dude if there's a chick you know that i'm with and she's bench pressing more than than me i'm getting a little concerned yeah i wonder what that would

be like though dude to like have sex with a crossfit chick it's gonna be intense dude i feel like she just jerk your dick off dude it would just be like painful you know what i mean yeah callous something like nurturing about like a soft woman. Yeah. Who's like fluffy. You just feel kind of like nurtured, but. That's the nature of a woman. It's like soft, you know, soft tits, soft hands. Yeah, I don't want to have sex with like a walking boner, dude. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I don't want to run into a brick wall when I'm banging. Yeah, you should try it though, dude. Do Murph. Yeah. I legit blacked out, dude. I had to go out to my car. I would totally black out.

Get a water bottle, walk back in, fill it up. And then I was like, I got to get out of here, dude. Yeah. Did you hit the jerk off in between or you're like, I didn't even have time. Yeah. I made it to like the middle one. And that's when I blacked out right in front of the front desk. Yeah.

And you just go home after that? Yeah. I mean, I felt kind of, I feel like i failed everyone i've ever loved yeah because you put it on the line for the troops because that's the whole point it's like yeah if you do it for the fallen soldier so if you don't finish they're like dude you got to finish that's why the jerk off is in in between there i think that's why people black out yeah because they're like it's either black out or you know finish yeah it's just another thing to finish like you got the race you got the push-ups the

pull-ups beat off finish that yeah I guess what you got another mile in the think about how the scorching Sun to and you're taught how tired you are after you you crank one out yeah and then you got to run a mile like yeah now it's making sense yeah I was like why is that Like, yeah, now it's making sense. I was like, why is that in the mix there? But it's like, that does add a significant challenge. I mean, they really should, dude, start incorporating jerking off into CrossFit. Yeah.

Because, dude, you have no idea how much that would take out of someone. Yeah. Oh, my God. You think pull-ups takes a lot out of someone, dude? Imagine jerking off mid-workout in a in a full stadium yeah in the scorching heat and which pressure that oh dude and knowing like because it's time so you're like i gotta get back out there yeah so it's got to be a quick jerk yeah i mean dude you think game seven's a lot of pressure imagine being in a tennis stadium sun just beaming on you dude yeah i feel like

it wouldn't be that hard though if you're like around the females maybe like in the team events but if you're around another dude i mean for me that would make it easier but for other men yeah you know yeah it would be tough for me as a straight guy just like to get it going as you're looking at like a bunch of your your sweaty bros kind of near you yeah i mean do that you get you know fired up looking at some greased up dudes a little bit with all due disrespect i mean i see i see their bods dude and i kind of go like damn that'll be nice to just attain that but true you really can't without fucking horse tranquilizers dude yeah you get to a point where you're like this is the best that it's going to

get unless i do testosterone yeah yeah because those dudes have six point where you're like, this is the best that it's going to get unless I do testosterone. Yeah. Yeah. Because those dudes have six packs where you're like, dude, that's like insane. Anyone that's above 20 years old with a six pack, it's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? You have a six pack? You're trying hard, dude. Yeah, dude, you fucking evolved from like King John III or some shit, dude.

Who's got a six pack, though realistically that we know anybody i got a friend that has one do you yeah damn how long like uh how long has he had that for is he always had it probably his whole life yeah that's kind of genetics yeah you're born with that shit though because like dude he'll try to gain weight and you just like can't yeah there are some dudes like that where they could just eat anything and still have a six-pack yeah i mean dude like i went to the beach man saw some titties and shit dude but that's good i look like a fucking retired like jd byrider manager you know what i mean like totally it was so sad but you know i was at the beach recently too respect and uh there was uh there was some good you know tits around and stuff but like

you get to a point i'm 31 and i was looking at every other dude on the beach too and everybody just kind of had like that flat no definition body and i was like dude that's kind of that's great like we're all we've all accepted it we're all at the same level here it's like nobody's kind of trying hard and going way above and beyond you level out and all kind of get to that same flat nothing body but as long as everyone's got it who cares yeah i mean dude to get to that dad bod though is like kind of peak performance yeah but it takes, a special breed. Like, I'm not even there yet, man.

Yeah, you'll get there, though. I don't know what it is. You work hard enough, dude. Fuck, man. It just takes so much effort to get to that point, you know? And it's not even the bod, really. It's just, like, the way they walk. Like, the confidence has nothing to do with the way they look, dude.

It's all just, like... Mm-hmm. But I think it just takes years of training, man, to get to that point where you're like yeah once you once you fire one out though and you fire one in a lady you have that kid like you you hit another gear of strength um i got a son now and dude like i swear to god like i don't even train i could probably bench 30 pounds more just from the ejaculation thing that happened. There is a different gear that you can hit. I think it's instinctual because you're like,

I can't let this kid beat me up at some point in life. So it just gives you an extra gear of strength. Yeah, just knowing that you have a son out there just adds 30 pounds to your bench. Yeah, and then you kind like don't train ever again. But you maintain like a level of strength. It's almost like I would call it like construction guy strength where it's like they don't look good. But like those guys, I'll put them up against anybody. Yeah.

Like they could save a child from a car or something like that. Yeah. Just fucking deadlift the car. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense, man. You know? Yeah. child from a car or something like that yeah just fucking deadlift the car totally yeah yeah that makes sense man you know yeah i don't dude i don't even know like my awareness is so fucked you know like dude i can't even believe i'm telling you this but dude so i was getting uh

i'm at my mom's i'm getting something from my trunk, dude. Open up the trunk, bro. And my dog, Bob, comes out, follows me. He's chilling next to me, dude. Of course. And I open up my trunk, and I just see, like, an old sandwich from, like, four weeks ago. No.

In, like, a plastic container. Dude, I don't like where this is going. So I'm like, dude, I got to take this out. It's been hot. Bro. This was recent. It was a few days ago. Dude, so I take out the fucking old sandwich and I just have it in my hand.

Yeah. And I just hear behind me, oh, my God, your dog is so cute. And I look around, dude, and I see this chick with cannons, dude. Oh, my God. Like, I'm talking like. Top tier top tier top tier beanbags and they're out i've never even seen in my life dude and they're out and about or they're they're discreet they're just nice but wow i'm talking like full-on just revolutionary war type fucking cannons dude wow like biggest tits i've ever seen on a woman jesus christ and i turn

around and i see this chick who i've never seen before blown away this is my neighbor dude and i didn't even know she lived there the entire time yeah my awareness is just fucked so i go oh thank you i go you can say hi to him if you want as i'm holding a fucking six week old sandwich dude yeah that's gotta be a tough smell walks over dude she say hi says hi to my dog dude and then i see in front of her house uh like utah class of uh like 2028 jesus i was like dude I got to fucking figure something out. Yeah. You know? Yeah. That's devastating to see how old we're getting. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. You know? Right. But I just, dude, I was, I can't even explain, dude, the type of cannons. I know exactly what you're talking about. Dude, I will, there's a nice pair of tits can shut my entire day down. You know what I mean? It can ruin a man's life, dude.

I'm actually getting more and more scared that the way I'm going to go out, I'm going to die is looking at tits on Instagram. Really? Yeah. Cause I got a family now and imagine they're like, was he texting someone? They're like, he was on the Explorer page. Just like,

cause dude, they try to get you and like i'm i'm fixing my algorithm where i'm like dude no i'm not like enough with this and you know i'll throw some basketball highlights in there or whatever but it's like they keep feeding it to you and you're like hey man i i'm a responsible father like i don't want this stuff stop showing me like giant tits all over my explorer page but like it's uh it's just i'm telling you dude yeah i'm thinking in like 10 years from now they're gonna have dude they're gonna have fucking movies where like the super villain is literally just a pair of tits it's gonna be like godzilla dude but a pair of tits no one's gonna no dude is gonna be able to take that out no it's not percent our tracks yeah

confuse you ruin every man's life in that fucking movie dude yeah i mean you know how would you even fight that plus dude there's not gonna be any violence no so that it's like a win-win for the movie producers right you know yeah i mean yeah there's like a win-win for the movie producers. Right. You know? Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's like a little bit of nudity, but who hasn't seen tits, man? You know what I'm saying? No. They're everywhere, dude. And, dude, honestly, man, like, yeah, it is kind of fucked, but it's also like, I feel like if everyone's doing it, you kind of just have to accept it.

Everyone's doing what? Like, do you really want to be that guy that's like respectful towards women oh no dude it kind of makes me sick thinking about like how much more respectful i've gotten as i've gotten older and i'm like who am i dude i mean dude i don't even think women want to be respected anymore now it's really starting to go the opposite direction where like dudes have gotten so beta yeah that chicks aren't even into that stuff anymore they're like dude somebody smack me in the face dude let's get something like yo put me in a headlock yeah you know blow up my garage yeah just show me something like yeah show me a man uh out here yeah is that why you're rocking the jersey? Like just to kind of show them.

I've had this for years. Yeah. It just takes a certain type of confidence for me to put it on. You know, last time I wore it, I was on block Island and dudes, I was on a, what's block Island?

Is that like a gay Island or something? Pretty much. Yeah. That pretty much sums it up. Okay. I was riding around on a moped there and people started screaming retard. was wearing the jersey dude and they were screaming it yeah i think it was families too wow like get that retard off that moped yeah dude that's tough that uh people are thinking that you're genuinely retarded and going like do you know you know sick i fell on that moped though

dude with this jersey on yeah in my head i was like dude you're gonna get so much pussy yeah but then they they started they started throwing out started throwing rocks and shit dude i was like fucking damn where were you in block island is that like in alabama or something that they're throwing rocks and calling someone a retard no block island is like uh you have to take a ferry to get there. Okay. I would go from Rhode Island. You take a ferry there.

You brought the moped right on there. It's a tourist attraction. It's like a vacation spot for like the 4th of July, dude. Yeah. If you want to see titties, dude, go to Block Island, my man. You'll see some. Talk to my wife about it. Check it out. I mean, bring the wife, dude.

That's what I'm saying. Bring the wife and some sunglasses, dude. You'll have the fucking time of your life yeah dude yeah they used to uh my neighbor who i grew up with is a girl right and like she would uh for the fourth she's like rich dude she would like bring her boat to block island yeah and she would park it in front of this place called the ballards. Okay. It's just a bar with titties, bro. All the college kids and stuff go there. Oh, that's good stuff. You got the beach and then the bar on the beach.

Yeah. And she would park her boat right next to it, dude. Damn. No idea how, but she's got like subwoofers on the boat just blasting like 50 Cent. And then everybody flocks to that. Everyone just getting... Dude, people would get shitted. Dude.

Her dad fell down a flight of stairs on the boat and no one even did anything. That's a good party, dude. If you fall down a boat and people just keep it moving, you're having a good time. Dude. I can picture it. I wish I was there, dude. Yeah, dude. You get so cocked to the point where it's

like it's not even funny anymore man yeah but when i went dude i show up and i'm like oh this can be a good time yeah all the girls are like on the boat you know titties are out and stuff i get on the boat dude and i see my boss at the time while tits are out dude that's a tough situation to be in yeah and i'm not i wasn't really like close with this guy at the time. While tits are out, dude, that's a tough situation to be in. Yeah, and I wasn't really close with this guy at the time. And you gotta pretend like you're like, yeah, there's no tits. I'm not seeing any of the tits around. I was like, what's going on, man? What brings you here? And he was like, oh, I'm friends.

I'm best friends with Jill's brother, the boat owner. I was like, cool, man. Dude, probably two or three hours later, this guy is blasted. He has a hose in his hands, like a garden hose, and he's just hosing down chicks. This is your boss?

Dude. Chicks were bending over in front of him. He had a bottle of tequila in his hands, and he was just hosing them down, just straight-faced. I was like, I don't know if that's creepy or legendary, man. Was he looking at you kind of like... No. He wasn't looking at you kind of like?

No, he wasn't looking at anything besides. Yeah. So. Damn. What did he do? Like, where were you working? I was working at a bank. The manager of a bank.

Oh, wow. Yeah. So it was kind of shell shocking, dude. Yeah. Because you wouldn't think like a stiff like that would be getting after it like that. I mean, I did kind of. That's kind of how I think about anyone. Yeah. Like this guy probably does anal. But if you put them in the right environment yeah dude you're just a product of your own environment man yeah if other people are like sucking on titties like you have to suck on titties man you can't just not suck on titties you know what i mean

it's hard to be around tits and like i've been trying to work on a bit about it like you were saying like bring the wife bring your sunglasses because you got to pretend like you don't see them yeah and but then it's like i'm fucking stevie wonder out there like i'm just in sunglasses but it's like they can totally you know dude i've i figured it out like a month ago the sunglasses thing yeah i had no idea but even if they can't see your eyes they could definitely see your erection it's a good one dude fuck dude i gotta work on that bit are you really getting that chubbed up um no because uh you know at this point it's like i've kind of trained that dude to just be respectful and just like come out at the right time yeah um so i wore uh i wore sunglasses to uh the airport inside

dude you probably one of the best days brother dude it was legit one of the best days of my life yeah the amount of tit dude i saw so many hot chicks yeah and i could just look right at them yeah they had no clue yeah you're like uh the kid in big daddy like just invisible yeah yeah it was sick man it was i felt like i discovered like the speed of light yeah it's it's a superpower. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, man, I feel like all the... I mean, you're from Philly, right, dude? Yeah. I just feel like all the Philly guys are pretty cool, man. I didn't even know.

Dude, it's funny that you say that. And, of course, you think they're cool because everything... You're right up Philly's alley. If you are a Philly comic, and whenever you're in town, obviously hit me up. I would love to get you on some shows. right up Philly's alley. Like if you are a Philly comic and like, you know, whenever you're in town, obviously hit me up,

would love to get you on some shows. Yeah. Um, you kind of have to, as like a prerequisite, get up there and either call yourself gay or somebody in the audience gay. Uh, and they're like,

then everyone kind of gets at ease and they're like, all right, cool. He's, he's one of us. Yeah. So like you would slide right into, um, the Philly comedy scene. So easy, dude. Oh my God. Yeah. So, like, you would slide right into the Philly comedy scene.

So easy, dude. Oh, my God. Yeah, I didn't really hate Philly, but, like, I'm a Patriots fan and stuff. Of course. It's natural. Yeah, man. I delivered a pizza once to this dude's house in college, and he was an Eagles fan. Yeah.

And he just didn't tip me. And from that moment on, I was like, I just can't respect. Wow. Well, that's fucked up. I mean, even as a fellow Eagles fan fan that's pretty fucked up yeah but uh it's funny that we hate each other so much patriots fans and eagles fans because boston and philly it's like very similar uh yeah you know so many similarities but especially with the comics dude it's like uh everyone's still calling stuff gay, still calling stuff retarded.

I mean, like Shane Gillis is our god in Philly. And that's what everyone's kind of after, trying to do that stuff. We're still holding it down with stuff like that. No, every dude I meet from Philly is just like the coolest dude. You know how like in high school you were doing like all that stuff and then like as a comic it's like you're basically just trying to hang on to how funny you were doing that sort of stuff. Every dude in Philly is still kind of doing all that

shit. Yeah. You know. It's just like a so Philly is just like a bunch of dudes who used to scream penis who are just like adults now. Exactly. Like let me give you an example. We did this was a couple years ago but a bunch of the Philly comics we we did a gay, we did a gay off in Philly where, uh, it was like a circuit challenge where it was like, you had to throw a football, hammer something, and then maybe chug a beer. I forget what the third challenge was. And like, whoever could do that the quickest, um, I guess was not gay um but like we're still we're still doing stuff like that which honestly um it just keeps it fun dude like there's a crew of

philly guys that came in after me that started doing some fun stuff like that that has really made the scene fun again it's funny dude because like the gayest thing you can do is not be gay the gayest thing you do is not be gay you know what i mean so if you're doing the gayest thing you could do is not be gay explain like when you call someone gay you're not actually like calling them a homosexual gotcha like if i saw someone if i saw a dude fucking another dude yeah you're like hey getting after it dude yeah i'd be like it's my fucking boy right there of course yeah i see what you're saying if i see a dude like riding you know if i see a dude on

rollerblades though my guy's fucking gay that's true that's true and if you're closeted too um that although you're actually it's like the not coming out of the closet is gay. Cause it's like, dude, nobody cares. Just come out and be a fucking man. Yeah. Yeah. What I noticed is like, um, even now, dude, like I used to make a lot of sounds in class and shit when I was younger.

Yeah. Just like good stuff. Unknown sounds and stuff. What do you mean unknown? Could you fire one out? I'm trying to think. Has it been too long? No pressure. Don't feel like you have to.

I'm just curious. Penis, obviously, that's a given. Penis wasn't a sound, though, though dude that's what i'm saying so that's like a full i was big on like the mentally challenged sound i mean dude you know that's good stuff they have like a specific sound where it's like yeah like that was pretty good right yeah but i would do that like in class yeah yeah anything ambiguous like that is uh it's kind of right right on the nose that was a big one but dude i've noticed like if i don't want to talk to someone nowadays can i try one actually yeah go ahead just let it rip

dude don't hold back it's just been on my mind and um i haven't done it in so long, but I would love to see if I could kind of match it. Yeah. All right. Hang on, dude. I got to really collect myself here. Because I can hit it, dude. If I'm really focused in. Don't hold back, dude. I would go more of.

I would go more. That was good. I feel like you held back a little bit. I did, dude. That was good. So I feel like you held back a little bit, but I did, dude. I was nervous. Yeah. You, I feel like you have to be in a classroom to like,

let it rip. Yeah. You gotta have the pressure on. It's gotta be like dead silent. I'm rusty, dude. I'm so fucking rusty. I'm embarrassed.

That's what I'm saying though. Yeah. You gotta like, you gotta be doing it on the reg to... Did you grow up Catholic or going to church? Yeah. Someone hits that in church, dude. Or an off-the-pew church fart, dude.

Yeah. The sound off the wood during the dead silence of mass. I don't know if there's ever been a time i've laughed harder i mean unbelievable yeah i mean dude even off desks you remember those plastic chairs oh my god dude if you rip one the sound that comes off that it's just so glorious dude if you have like oatmeal in the morning and then you fucking rip one dude i early morning some kid did that once during a moment of silence for 9-11 dude that's that's like couldn't stop laughing dude yeah and then when you're in a quiet environment too and you're not supposed to be laughing it just makes you laugh so much

fucking hard yeah well for me it was like other people not laughing yeah that made me laugh so much it makes it so much harder dude i uh to I'll try to say this as respectfully as I can, but I have a family member who has down syndrome and we were at my uncle's funeral one time. This was years ago. And she has down syndrome. So she doesn't know like the appropriate place to, uh, like she lets them fly. She'll, she'll let a fart out like whenever, as we all should, dude. But like, we're in mass right during the homily. And it's like, as obviously a sad moment,

we were at a funeral and off the pew, dude, just fucking went for it. Really, really fucking loud. Holy shit. And, uh,

and she has no regard for like, like she was actually getting pissed at us because we started laughing a little bit and she was like shut the fuck up like you're being inappropriate but the fact that we all are at a funeral and we can't laugh yeah i almost exploded like my head almost popped up because like you're sitting there trying to contain yourself like yeah that's the funniest thing i've ever you could hold it in though no dude i i couldn't i mean like i i kept a reasonable cap on it but like there was only so much i could do dude were you like close to your uncle so it was actually my great uncle so no because it was my grandpop's uh brother yeah so it's not that big of a deal yeah he was

super old and uh i didn't you know know him that well yeah yeah my dad used to work with uh mentally challenged adults and uh dude i didn't know like i didn't know what he did for work and like one night give you the rundown on that well i was super young dude and like one night he told my mom he was like hey i'm bringing uh this dude kevin over for dinner and i give away so he brings him over and we're like sitting at the table dude and kevin has full-on downs like yeah 100 percent down not even like i'm too young i don't even know what down syndrome is dude yeah and we would like say grace before dinner like it was mandatory you had to say it so my dad was like john can you please say

grace so i'm already like under a lot of pressure dude i have no idea what to say i'm like father thank you so much for you know this beautiful fucking you know a fucking hamburger helper you threw a fucking in there yeah like i don't know dude it's a pretty good fucking dinner appreciate it dude we were eating like fucking hamburger helper. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. But dude, right in the middle of grace, this dude, Kevin, fucking borderline shits his pants, dude. And like, I couldn't stop laughing, dude.

So did anyone address it or you had to just keep going and perform? No one. Did you perform under those conditions? No. So, dude, I started laughing and I couldn't stop laughing. How could you not? And, dude, I literally got grounded. What?

Dude, my dad was so mad. They kept it together, though? Yeah, dude. No one laughed at all. Everyone at the table knew he had Down syndrome, except for me. I didn't even know what it was. But still, if that hits you unexpected during grace, it it's like respect your parents for being able to like but i guess your dad was he's kind of like been around a lot of that sort of stuff so he's probably got a pretty good lead on it for sure

yeah i remember i was literally like choking on like the food like dude i fucking couldn't stop laughing yeah yeah dude i didn't even know what down syndrome was for a while dude i just thought he was like a cool guy you know what i mean i mean um yeah like he gave me uh my dad bought me like a a set of golf clubs dude nice and immediately i went in the backyard with kevin dude and we just teed off at my neighbor's house really while they were eating dinner is he got a good stroke dude we were hitting bombs really at the fucking at my neighbor's house really while they were eating dinner is he got a good stroke dude we were hitting bombs really at the fucking at my neighbor's house i can imagine while they were fucking drilling golf balls like kevin was like 35 yeah i was like a teenager you know what i mean

right so so you were you definitely should have known yeah a lot of that i think that's like why i am the way i am what do you mean hanging out with like mentally challenged adults as a youngin i feel like they kind of raised me to be who i am just kind of leading the way yeah explains the jersey yeah but i mean i'm not i'm not upset about it dude no not at all i'm like i i you know as much at all it's just like sometimes the funniest I mean my Aunt Christine is the funniest person I've ever met in my life and she's the best but sometimes funny stuff happens

and she'll be the first one to you know she loves getting a good laugh too so once she knows she can get you rolling on like a good laugh she's going to keep doing it. And it's the best time. But then people will.

Wait, is she retarded? Yeah. Oh, okay. But people will get. It's like you can't tell that story. Like, she let out a fart at church or something like that. But it's like, look, dude, it's just funny. Let's stop pretending.

Dude, the craziest shit is, like, like mentally challenged adults, obviously they get like, they have caretakers, but dude, the caretakers are more retarded than they are. Yeah. You know? So it's like, well, yeah, I guess you kind of got to get, they really don't get a lot of funding. No, no. It's like a very, we got to start like a political campaign dude to get those

guys rolling yeah it's like if it was like you or i imagine doing that as a full-time job taking care of a mentally challenged adult like you know how fucking fun that would be yeah just give us like good pay man you know and we'll just hang out with them all day yeah like especially because uh you could just do like your day would just be fun activities. Yeah, dude, just start off the day egging houses. Like, if I'm hanging with my aunt and, like, we got a bunch of fun activities lined up, there's never something she doesn't feel like doing. Like, she's game for whatever.

It's like, yo, you want to go outside and, you know, toss a football around? Like, whatever it is, she's like, absolutely. Yeah. So it's like, it would be an amazing job because you get to just chill with like the happiest people of all time i mean dude it should be the special olympics every day you should be doing all that shit every day with the boys yeah i mean just learning to be grateful for uh for the present moment yeah but instead they're trying to teach them like foundational values it's like that's not gonna stick yeah you know what i mean yeah that would be like trying to argue with, with them. Right.

Like imagine arguing with a retarded person. Yeah. It's fucking insane, dude. Yeah, dude. Just go outside, man. Toss the pigskin, dude. Mm-hmm. Egg a few houses.

Go to like a public place that's really quiet. Yeah. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Yeah. Yeah. Adults will step in and, uh, you know, fuck things up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Adults will step in and, you know, fuck things up. Yeah.

Yeah. Ruin the fun. They're like, oh, like, stop. You're hurting his feelings. Yeah. It's like, am I, though? Right. You know.

Or we're just having the best time. Yeah. I remember, dude, I went to the Special Olympics. Were you performing? No, they wouldn't let me fucking go out there, dude. Yeah. It was only, I mean, I probably could have slipped in a little bit, but. Yeah.

Just hit the shot put. Well, my dad was playing in the softball game. And, dude, I'm with my sister, and we're on the playground, and it's right next to the softball field. Yeah. And we're, like, fucking around, dude, and the game's going on on and stuff and my sister and i are playing tic-tac-toe on the playground yeah with those big fucking ones yeah dude so i spin like an x and there's an entire bees nest in the x bro and you're like dude, this entire herd of bees starts chasing after me. Damn, dude. I've

never been in so much pain in my life. And I, dude, I started running towards the fucking softball field. Oh shit. Just screaming at the top of my lungs. With bees flying after you? Yeah. They were like, this kid belongs like on the field. You know what I mean? Yeah. But dude, I couldn't stop screaming. Like, I don't know what it was. I just kept getting stung. It was probably the bees. Yeah. Yeah. But, like, dude, I would get stung, and I would scream, and then I would just, like, get stung again.

You know what people will do, too, with bees? They go, you got to just, like, not react. And you're like, I know, but I'm getting fucking stung. Like. Yeah. Well, dude, you can, like, die, bro. You can literally, like, pass literally like pass away oh yeah of course from a full-on bees nest yeah have you ever seen like the dudes like on jackass they like

release a bunch of bees on them and stuff and they're like you can't get like excited because then the bees like i don't know they fucking smell it on you and then they just attack you more but it's like you think if i could help being scared i you think I'm just doing this because I think it's fun? It's like, no, I'm just scared because I can't help it. What if it was 1B, though? 1B, I feel like I would be fine because I know one-on-one I could take this motherfucker out. But if it's a swarm of bees... I'm saying, could you stay calm?

If you're in the car, you're driving, there's 1B and it lands on your forehead. If it's in the car, I got to pull over over really of course holy shit you're just letting them hang out yeah i've done it before dude you're a bigger man than i am dude i just watched a lot of planet earth dude you know i pulled a good uh like pretty proud of myself uh had a pretty crazy moment one time me and my wife were in the car and there's a bee just like right above her head. She's got a sunroof. Yeah. So I know I'm like, if I freak out and go,

oh my God, there's a bee, like we're going to get into a car accident. So I just like very calmly hit the sunroof, let that dude out. And she was like, what was that? I was like, there's a fucking bee right on you. I just let it out. She was like, thank God you didn't freak out. And I was i know i had to stay so calm cool and collect it and i pulled

it off dude it's so hard but afterwards you're like wow yeah you literally feel like i was in you feel like the b-whisperer dude yeah you just feel in control of your own life again i think it's the same concept as like a crocodile. Well, not a croc. A croc? That's a different, it's a little different, dude. I'm thinking an alligator. One croc is a lot. Two crocs for sure.

Well, crocs are like naturally aggressive. You know that medulla oblongata, dude. You know what I'm saying? Oh, of course, dude. Yeah, I guess bees, depending on the situation, bees are pretty... I'm just saying, dude, if you're surrounded by an animal and you start to fucking wave your arms everywhere in panic,

I mean... But they say some animals, that's good. They say with a bear, depending on the type. Yeah. But everyone knows. You're like, I'm not going to know what type of fucking bear. I'm never going to just play dead, dude. I'm going gonna try to outrun this thing and i know i can't but it's like i'm not gonna just fucking roll over and bank on the fact that like oh it's a brown bear yeah so i should be good yeah like no matter what kind of fucking bear it is i'm taking off

dude like are you what what are you doing i'm gonna be honest man i feel like just with my composure and shit i might be able to pull it off you could pull it off you could probably stand your ground dap up a gorilla dude yeah a gorilla that would be sick that would be insane if you saw a video of me just staying calm and collected around a like a full-grown gorilla yeah it's like literally an inch away from my face i can see like it's like scared straight but like gorillas just right up to your face and you just with like no emotion like i can see like there being a viral video of like man climbs into gorilla cage and they just see you in that jersey walking up to one just being like

and dapping one up like what up and like everyone's like holy shit dude like he knows these guys no dude that would be oh my god that would be the pinnacle man that would be unreal yeah i feel like dude it is possible but i feel like you'd have to you'd have to grow up with them like it couldn't be like a full-grown gorilla like you'd have to like literally raise them i feel like do you think there's a better chance that like a gorilla or a bear is you could kind of like get them to like you uh if you're thrown in the tank with one and you're like all right dude i can kind of like be aloof enough where like this gorilla is not gonna be threatened by me or this bear, what do you think you have a better chance with? Like, I could see you like just being so goddamn calm in there with gorillas.

They kind of like forget you're there. Bears, though, I don't know. Dude, I've legit woken up in the middle of the night crying, laughing. crying laughing because dude i always imagine uh like taking someone i know into like a chopper just flying over the everglades and just dropping them in the middle yeah just just seeing what happens yeah like do you know how fucking funny that would be yeah that'd be the best reality like well yeah we're just going on like a you know a quick like tour of the everglades yeah you just drop them out and they just fall right into the water. Oh, my God, dude.

Can you even imagine what they would do, dude? I'd probably just drown immediately. Really? I mean... I mean, I feel like they'd just start spazzing out, dude. Yeah, definitely. Dude, you got anacondas out there, snakes. Oh, my God, dude.

Like bugs. Yeah, but the bugs alone dude even if they like drop me off in a house i'd be like i would like get bit by a fucking spider or something yeah i'd be i'd be so they gotta make a movie like that where like you just drop someone or like a reality tv show you literally just drop someone in the everglades and see if they can survive they kind of did that remember like anaconda with ice cube and and who else was in that? Yeah, that was like a movie though. Yeah, it was fucking awesome.

That was a pretty good movie. I kind of want to run that. I haven't seen that in forever, but like. I think it would be pretty shitty, man. You think? The CGI and shit. Yeah, but the plot. When you saw it the first time, it was fucking legendary.

Oh my God, dude. Big snake. I mean, Ice Cube around snakes. Yeah. It's fucking hilarious, dude. Oh my God. You know? Yeah. And they're like, dude. Oh, my God. You know? Yeah.

And they're like, who else was in that? I think maybe Owen Wilson was in it. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking of a different snake movie. If Owen Wilson was in it, that'd be hilarious. Yeah. Maybe it was. Oh, wow.

This thing's huge. Yeah. Holy hell. Man. Yeah, but dude, I don't know, man like i think i could take on oh oh shit fuck just put it right on my phone you know my boy robin dude fuck my bad thank you just water just water dude my bad dude just give him a little bath dude sorry dude want me to wipe this up no dude just water man just let it ride

just let it ride dude let nature take its course sorry dude no it's fine I'm so embarrassed that you dropped water yeah I mean dude

it would be fuck if you dropped it on like this yeah that would be hilarious that would be devastating yeah I'd have to just like awkwardly be like

dude thanks for having me on I mean you should you'd just probably just run at that point yeah no dude I think I could take on if You'd probably just run at that point. Yeah. No, dude, I think I could take on, if I had the choice, dude, I'd rather take on a bear than a fucking gorilla.

Really? Because a gorilla could chase after me, dude. I feel like I could outrun a bear if my adrenaline's going. We all think that, right? But I think we underestimate how fast these fucking bears are. How fast can a bear run, you think? Definitely faster than us. No way, dude. I mean, I'm pretty fast, but like...

Maybe like initially, maybe like a 30, 40-yard dash, maybe. But there's no way, dude, a bear can run a fucking 100-yard dash consistently. Easy. He's gassing out, dude. I think they do it all the time. Really? 100 yards? Yeah, it's not that far.

I feel like, dude, they're just eating fish. All they do is stand by a bank and just fucking eat fish. Yeah, but... But they grab it with their hands. I wouldn't be scared of a bear eating me. I'd be scared of its fucking claws, dude. I would hope that the claws would just fucking like break my neck or something and then probably would dude yeah but if you get dude if you get attacked like if a bear swipes

your face you're as good as dead because it's like even if you survive you're gonna look like fucking why that's best case scenario i think it swipes your face fucking knocks you out and just kills you rather than it like eating you eating out your butthole like yeah and then like just eating i mean that's what i would want dude is a bear to eat my ass yeah yeah happened last weekend yeah that would be my first line of defense dude yeah just ruining it yeah you know they say like you make yourself bigger than the bear so uh if you like pull some crazy shit like that like you know you make a lot of noise or something they do they do say to make noise make noise so uh if you like pulled some crazy shit like that like you know you make a lot of noise or something they do they do say to make noise make noise so maybe if you move it they're like

this guy's fucking nuts that'd be crazy dude you just spread your cheeks and rip ass and it's like runs away yeah like a skunk yeah it'd be fucking wild dude we do kind of have that at our disposal and like don't really use the skunk move yeah and maybe that is like the ticket out of a dangerous situation you think bears are like homophobic and shit um no i think that they named bears after like you know big gay men so it's like they got to be like down with the cause yeah that makes sense yeah if i had to guess um dude there's a scene in Planet Earth where it's like it's like iguanas. I think it's Planet Earth 2.

It's like these iguanas and they're chilling and they get hunted by snakes and these snakes are chasing after this group of iguanas, dude. Takes out all the iguanas except for one and you're just like hoping and praying for this last iguana to get away. Dude gets he gets caught up with a snake and you're like fuck dude i remember i was literally

crying i was like this can't be it if you can't you got to get out of here buddy yeah dude last minute bro he squeezes out really runs into like a rock formation and the snake can't get him dude damn it was so emotional man i can't even imagine, some of those things will really make you tear up. I watched one, I think it was Planet Earth, and it was something going on with sea turtles. Like, something was after the turtles. Yeah. And they got most of them.

But then there was maybe, like, one or two that got out. I'm trying to think of what it was. Maybe it was a fucking shark that was fucking with these turtles or something. Yeah. But you're like, dude, it's a fucking turtle. Like, let these guys. They don't they don't beef with anybody and uh you're just thinking about like finding nemo too dude yeah nature is fucked up dude yeah um i i got uh some baby bunnies in my backyard right now and uh my dog has been my dog's super friendly

but i don't know what he's going to do with one of these things if he catches them so we've been trying to keep them out of there so we we've kept them out of there the baby bunnies have grown up they've kind of left but the mom or the dad i don't know who is who comes back in and fucks with my dog every single day like we'll come on you know our side of the fence yeah and almost is give them like a shimmy like little thunder little lightning we'll come on our side of the fence, and Ole Misses give him a shimmy, little thunder, little lightning. He'll go on the other side of the fence. My dog's barking at him. He'll come back on the other side, like, I'm fucking over here,

and he'll just keep him entertained and fuck with him all day. It's pretty ballsy. Yeah, because they don't really have feelings, dude. I guess not. It's just he's so damn quick that he knows my dog can't catch him and he's just fucking with him dude and it drives my dog crazy fuck man yeah i kind of want to just have like a shark mentality for a day just to know what like they're thinking yeah just like live in the mind of a shark and see

kind of because like dude a shark's not gonna watch a lifetime movie and tear up you know what i mean no i just want to know like is that thing just all day just thinking like dude i'm gonna fucking kill some bitches you know yeah yeah it's probably just like a drunk dude heading out to the bar with his friends we're just like dude i'm just getting after it you think so yeah i think they got one thing on their mind and it's just, I'm killing anything that comes across me today. It's a fucking Dahmer mindset. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. I wonder what that would be like to think like that, dude. Yeah. I don't know, man. I, I, uh, I'm not like that, dude. I wonder like if we were, when humans were like, I guess like if you think about it, like the year one or some shit. Sure. Just think about like the year one or some shit sure just think about the first human sometimes i wonder if like i don't know anything really psychologically but dude if it's just like

a blank slate and you're just taking in everything from your environment yeah like maybe that's all it is yeah and you think about that same scenario of how many uh trial and errors that we had to go through where it's like all right these fish salmon pretty cool we can eat them whatever the guys that are like coming across a shark and be like ah this one looks like me and like oh fuck oh yeah you can't you can't fuck with these ones they will bite your fucking really just relying on instincts yeah like and you don't know you know there's no planet earth where you're kind of like doing some research and seeing like what these animals are about like there's no fucking case studies you just it's just go out there it's completely trial exactly who figured out with the bears like they can kind

of scare them off and it's like yo shit that works write that down uh and let people know like you can't just scare them off it's like who figured that out who was in that scenario where they're like yeah i think a lot about like way back when when like when there were wars in fields and they were just using like spears in their own asses that's literally all you had was like your dick your balls and a spear dude and just having your dick and balls out around a spear alone just like makes my dick want to crawl inside my body. Yeah, dude. You know, just wearing a kilt with a bunch of dudes. Oh, my God, dude.

It's like, dude, my life already sucks enough. But imagine those dudes at war. Dude, imagine getting shot by a cannon for the first time. Oh, my God. Like all you have is a spear and you just see like 10-year- get taken out by a full-on cannon that would be the worst part i think you get hit with a cannon you don't even see it coming but if you're if you're standing next to me and when the front line and i see your head get blown off and i'm like oh fuck oh i'm dipping dude i'm sprinting like into the woods oh i would have no like honor i'm out of there yeah there's no way i'm hanging

around no fuck that seeing the first ever cannon shot and just being like like having to wrap your mind around that and like you have to stay in line yeah did you see like half your platoon get taken out oh my god dude like to be able to just see that and be like oh no i'm gonna keep fighting it's fucking crazy i'd be like dude i'm, the fact that... I'd start killing my own guys. Yeah, I'd kill myself, dude. I mean, the minute you see a cannonball go through someone's chest, I'd be like, I'm not going to let that happen, dude. I'll fucking just shoot this rifle right in my gut.

Well, you wouldn't even have a rifle, would you? Yeah, I guess it depends on what... I wonder when the first cannon was shot. I think... It had to have been, like, when there when there was just like spears and shit maybe swords oh like that they were kind of like slingshotting over there versus like with gunpowder because when they yeah it was probably through like a slingshot yeah because i get i'm thinking of like revolutionary war like igniting it yeah

yeah igniting the gunpowder once but then to your point they may have had like some big slingshot i'm talking about old school like slingshots like game of thrones when that stuff was happening yeah like a flaming cannonball yeah we're just a flaming arrow dude flaming arrow alone just fucking being launched into uh one of your boys and like you don't even see it come it just comes from the distance you're like dude i didn't even get up there yeah like i didn't even get a chance to swing my sword or whatever you got. Yeah. That reminds me of like Braveheart and shit.

Yeah. They just shoot them all up in the air. Like, dude, that's how the war starts. Like you're not even, you haven't even started to march at each other. Yeah. You just blind fire an arrow into the air and just see it take out like half a platoon. And like there's the whole group of dudes marching over there. Yeah.

And you kind of can't go anywhere. So if you see the flaming arrow and it's coming toward you and you're like, Yeah. You're getting out of the way for it to hit one of your boys. Yeah.

But you don't even know like what the fuck you're fighting for. No. You're just fighting for some like rich lesbian. Yeah. Yeah. Like realistically, you're fighting for like a closeted homosexual

who just has a lot of fucking money. And they're like, dude, just get my peasants over there. Yeah. Just take that land and report back to us. Yeah. And they're like, hey, look, if it doesn't work out, we'll just send some more guys. Yeah. Yeah.

That's fucking crazy, dude. Yeah. I would immediately be like, I'm fucking out. Yeah. I guess where do you go, though? Because you can't just, like, hop in your Corolla and just be out back then. You could be a wanderer like Robin hood and shit. Steal from the rich dude.

That would be tight. Um, but I think I would be like, uh, if they catch you though, dude, they're chopping your dick right off. But dude,

that's the whole point, man. Just don't get caught. I would be like Robin hood, but I would like jerk off the rich. Okay. In the middle of the night. just give them a hand job and then dip you think they would be chill with that where they're like you take whatever you want just jerk me off at the end of it well i would jerk them off like while they're sleeping they wouldn't know i'm jerking them off you do that silent of a jerk

on somebody yeah i mean most of them have wives and then what they're sleeping next to their wife now where you jerk them off they wake up and you're like everyone's gonna know that you're fucking gay i'm like dude i jerked off the king who's gay yeah i mean that's it's a good strategy i just i have a tough time you have that advantage now where you're like i can leak this info you know they didn't really know much about black i mean i'm sure they used blackmail back then but like yeah but just maybe not that exact strategy but if you're going around just fucking cranking everybody in the village and they wake up just confused. Yeah.

I mean, that could totally work. Yeah. Just crank it off the ridge, dude. Yeah. Yeah. You would have to like leave a note too with like feathered pen. There's no way you specifically would be able to be that sneaky though like you're a unit dude like you walk in there

bro they see you in the doorway they're like dude i'm getting jerked off by this i don't know man i have pretty soft hands so if you put on like a bit i could see you in like a big cloak back then though yeah like you would look pretty intimidating with a big cloak i don't know if like maybe you want to like think about working that in your wardrobe now like you got the jersey which is pretty sick but like if you get a big cloak dude and like with the hood like a jedi situation like that would be wild if it was like the year one and i'm wearing like a bobby boucher jersey yeah just jerking off kings yeah yeah i don't know man i just like if you know what you know now like if you could go back i would for sure just be a lone wolf wanderer maybe have like a few boys in my crew but that's it man yeah you'd have to keep it tight because you need some people to help you out to hunt and

stuff yeah but uh if you're by yourself, dude, you got to hunt by yourself. Like, dude, I'd be dead in... I mean, it would be kind of funny, though, dude, if you could go back in time to, like, one of those old wars, like, you know. Which one are you going to? I mean, it would be kind of funny to just go to, like, the Revolutionary War. Yeah. But you have, like, Lockheed Martin artillery. Yeah.

Like you have like M60s, fighter jets. And you just have three dudes. Yeah. And you just get to fucking go ham. You just line up an M60 in an open field and start blazing, dude. Yeah, that's all you would need. You wouldn't need a jet or anything i mean one dude's in the jet just dropping like fucking absolute fucking precision airstrikes on everyone yeah i'm in an m60 with my bobby boucher jersey just blind firing i have no

idea where i'm shooting but i have like 7 000 rounds and you just know you're like where are they at oh they're all just in the same field, you just have like a fucking 30 rack of Bud Light. Yeah. You're just throwing frags wherever you want. Yeah. It'd be a sick video game if they did something like that. It would probably get pretty boring after a while, but that in real life would be pretty sick.

Yeah, probably. So it's pretty tight. Yeah, no, if you came back with M16, that's all you would need. You think so totally i mean they have like thousands of men though but done yeah i feel like they probably i think they would see that for like 10 seconds and they'd be like yeah we got a fucking retreat yeah for sure regroup for sure i wonder what was like the best weapon to have

back then i mean cannonball obviously is probably the musket dude yeah musket with the spear on it yeah honestly i feel like a bow and arrow would be the best if you knew how to use it that would suck getting hit with one of those muskets because like did it even kill you like right away it seems like it was just like really badly hurting you until you just kind of bled out like three days later dude it takes like seven hours to load it up and then like sometimes you can just shoot blanks yeah and if you miss and then you gotta load up again yeah it's like fuck dude dude their their cardio must have been insane the amount of running they're doing i mean the amount of forearm strength they had to just fucking clear out a musket dude oh yeah dude and jerking off the

rich at night if they're in that sort of thing yeah dude i would be i would for sure just use a bow and arrow just practice a lot yeah because that yeah quick with the draw i think that's why um native americans were fucking dudes up for a while they were just so good with the bow and arrow nobody even knew about it what did my boy uh christopher columbus use that when he took out i think blankets i think that was his thing. He brought over a bunch of blankets that gave people disease, and it killed, like, everybody. Really?

Yeah. Shit. Yeah. So he kind of went with a different approach, but... Yeah. Yeah. Kind of a sleeper approach. All right, dude, let's see what we got for phone calls.

Sure. These might be shitty phone calls, but I haven't really looked at them. Sweet. Hey, John, big fan from California. I watch your podcast while I work in the field, and all the viewers, they just look at me because I should be looking at this fucking dirt and laughing. Well, anyways, here's my question.

I'm on Instagram a lot, and when bitches have links, it kind of pisses me off when it's not OnlyFans. It's like Free Palestine or Stop Genocide or BLM. I just want to see your titties, dude. Not your titties. All right.

Yeah, we're not going to answer that. This guy just complaining about BLM. He's talking way too fucking fast. I know. I couldn't understand what he was saying at first. Is he saying there's too many signs for causes out there when he just wants to see titties? Yeah.

Sounds like a good guy, man. Yeah, I mean, I kind of get it. Hey, Johnny. Whoa. So I'm sitting at an Airbnb for the summer. Whoa. So I'm staying at an Airbnb for the summer. And I don't know what's been going on with my digestive tract,

but I keep plugging the toilets. And she's starting to blame it on her, like, son. And there's, like, an argument every time while I just sit downstairs and listen to it above me. What should I do in this situation? Like, I mean, the shits are like so big sometimes. It's like half in the toilet and like half out. Oh, out of the bowl. Half in the water, half out of the water.

We got it. You know, I of the bowl. Half in the water, half out of the water. Yeah, we got it. I don't know what I should do. This kid gets his ass kicked over by shits. Anyways. It's a sticky situation, but what should I do? I feel like he's taking a shit while he called in to ask that question. And it's funny that he's calling you to figure out what to do. Yeah.

You just said he was shitting like outside of the toilet. Dude, that's crazy. Well, he, I, he was saying they're so big that it's half out the toilet, half in.

Yeah. How does it even happen? You just drop a log. Jesus, man. That's, that's the smelliest. He said he's blaming it on the sun though.

Yeah. What was that about the sun? Maybe the Airbnb owner has a sun. I don't know. I'm thinking of this sun. I was like, how is it sitting out there in the heat? I don't know where the sun comes in, but... That's funny.

That would be hilarious. He's just like, yeah, your sun's taking shits while I'm here. And he's like, he's nowhere near the Airbnb. The owner's like, I don't even have a son. Yeah, and he's like, I don't know whose son it is, but he's sneaking in here, just dropping huge logs in here. So do you know any of these people calling in, or are they just like? Just random dudes, yeah.

Really? Yeah. Wow. So I guess he was just asking what to do about his digestive situation of why he's dropping blowing up an airbnb and he wants someone to blame i guess i got a solution like if you feel like you're about to drop a log that's going to stick out of the water like that if you could time it out that like once it drops and you flush at the same time to still like suck it down like and

maybe then you're only dealing with half a turd yeah that is the movement i do that a lot halfway through i just flush totally i'm saying like as it drops from your butt you get like a full swoop take you know you flush as it's dropping yeah time it out so that it's sucked up immediately that's all you can really do for smell too that's really the best thing to do it's like you got to flush that turd immediately because you can really do. For smell, too, that's really the best thing to do. It's like you got to flush that turd immediately. Because you can't have it out of the water, dude. I think he's here. Yeah, dude, he's coming out.

Yeah, I mean, that's what I do when I take, like, massive dumps, dude. Especially if you're, like, dealing with, like, a shitty toilet. Yeah. Halfway through, I just flush. Yeah. Regroup. You ever had to take a shit at a comedy club it's the worst yeah dude we used to uh in massachusetts there was a club it's not even

there anymore dude because of the shit that you took or dude it was my first time there it's it was called the comedy attic in worcester mass okay so it was like a restaurant and then the comedy club was upstairs yeah dude so it's my first time going there. And I always have like a coffee before shows. So I'm like talking to the dude working the door. I'm like, dude, where's the bathroom? And he's like, oh, it's right there. And I'm like, all right, cool.

Like right by where the show's at? Right where people come in. Dude, why? Absolutely torch the bathroom. That's every comedy club too, by the way, is the bathroom is like right where all the people are walking. But, dude, I absolutely torched it. Like, it wasn't even funny.

You know when you take a shit and it smells like burnt hot dogs? Yeah. It was like that. Dude, so I blow up the bathroom, dude. Yeah. And I open the door, and this dude, like, got pissed. He was like, what the fuck, dude? Because he has to check people in, dude. course so people are like he's like why would you do this to me people people are coming

in like they're excited to see a comedy show and i swear to god the first 10 people were like yo it smells like shit dude just immediately walk in and walk out yeah they're like this i don't care how funny these people are this is not worth it because dude that's gonna mess up like yelp and stuff it's just gonna be like yeah i went to that comedy club and it smelled like fucking burnt hot dogs you know yeah but yeah it's it's on that dude you gotta move the bathroom to a different location that's so far away from the stage yeah because dude every comedy club's like that you're right dude it's always just like they're right there right there dude and you're like dude i and i actually will have in my phone like good locations nearby where like because i'll forget yeah but i'll be like oh shit

like there's a bar that's like two blocks down that's like that's my place to go take a shit if i have to go because i'm not gonna go in the fucking comedy club. So I'll have a couple like in my notes of like spots to shit. Because dude, I come from Jersey to New York. Every time without fail, I have to take a shit as soon as I get there. I'm not going to lie, dude. Starbucks is kind of the way to go. What? To just, oh, to take a shit?

I thought you meant to like. You can get the code there. I save their codes for like different locations. There's like people living in there though sometimes and like homeless yeah but it's just like so isolated and it's also like a like dude you could shit on the walls there and you're fine that's true and i do like how secure the doors are like you feel like you're like locked in a bank vault which is good yeah the locks are like blocks are legit legit because there's nothing worse than being in a stall where you're like dude someone's gonna bust this door wide open right now.

Dude, there's people who literally, like, if the door's locked, they'll try to, like, fucking break it open. Yeah, they're like, hey, this isn't, I'm like, yeah, because I'm in here, dude. And I'm not going to say anything. So I'm just in there like, I hope he's not strong enough to bust this door down. Dude, the worst is when you're taking a shit and there's, like, a crack in the door. Oh, my God. People are washing their hands and you're like, they're definitely looking at me, dude. Yeah.

You could totally see people in there yeah dude uh i just worked with uh do you know julian mccullough really funny comedian he uh opened i think he was supposed to be at like uh when i took the new york comedy club class he was supposed to be there but he like bailed yeah he uh that's i'm sure him yeah uh i just did comics roadhouse with him and he has this great bit where he talks about how one time he's taking a shit and a dude like just opens the door and he's like worst case scenario just full eye contact with the dude or no i'm sorry he he opened the door and there was a dude taking a shit yeah and so he's like you know that's worst case

scenario and the guy just looks at him and goes gonna gonna be a minute chief and he's like i didn't know that you could be the confident one in this situation he's like it totally mind fuck and like i'm butchering the joke but being the person that walks in and that guy being so confident being like gonna need a minute, dude. Yeah. And just not even backing down. Like, pretty crazy that you could do that. Yeah, that would be an insane move. Dude, can you imagine just like holding it down,

staring back at someone being like, what up? Dude, imagine a girl walking in. Forget it. Yeah. Forget it, forget it dude worst nightmare i think the best thing you do is just be like fuck my life man yeah i think that you got to leave town you know wherever you're at openly be like fuck my life yeah like make eye contact and and say those verbatim yeah yeah and then you got to skip down that for real. Yeah. Because girls walked in on me taking a piss once. Really?

At a comedy show. Yeah. But then you got to get up and do the show. It was like a good angle, dude. Damn. Like, she like couldn't see. Like I had my back turned. Yeah.

But yeah, dude, the locks wouldn't work. And she just walked right in. Super hot chick. Damn. And I was pissing. But, dude, if I was, like, facing her, I don't know if I'd be the same man I am today. Well, I can't imagine a scenario where someone opens the door, and you're facing them taking a piss. You'd just be pissing right on them.

Dude, you know what's crazy? It's like, dude, you know how they have those bathrooms where it's like they have the toilet and then the urinal right next to the toilet? Who is that for, dude? Who's going to do that? Yeah, like imagine being in there taking a shit and someone comes in and just starts pissing next yeah imagine some dude's taking a shit and you're just like yeah man can i just use this urinal like that's so wild how they do that yeah i don't even think we answer that guy's question yeah i kind of forget what he even asked but he was like real slow with asking it was kind of creepy um it's fucking the 6th of july you know it's fucking america's day and i did fucking acid last night so i'm

hung over shit on the app and i'm tired as hell watching some fucking baseball as you do in july as a fucking american uh but uh my question is like what is your ideal hangover cure because you can probably hear in my uh ability to form a fucking coherent sentence i'm dying and i need a good hangover cure right now that is not a zillion beers thank you And I need a good hangover cure right now that is not a zillion beers. Thank you. That's a good question. Yeah. What was it?

What's the hangover cure that you would use? No, I said what's the best hangover cure? Yeah. I mean, I don't drink a lot, but when I used to drink a lot, I would just start drinking again. Yeah, I think that was always my move, too. What do they call? Bite the dude that bit you or whatever. Yeah, I think there's like a video with a doctor like Rhonda Patrick or something. She just put out with like supplements you can take for a hangover.

I didn't watch it because I don't really drink a lot. But if I did drink a lot, I would probably watch that. Yeah, all right. Or you could just pretend that you're like about to pass away and just go to a hospital and ask for like an iv yeah do those iv things work you think i've never tried one dude really have you tried it yeah and they work have i ever gotten an iv like for specifically a hangover i've been to the hospital like twice for like uh dehydration really they just hook me up to an iv and just revive me dude it's crazy But from drinking or from like football practice or something? Just from living, dude.

Really? Yeah. How long were you going? Just not drinking water, dude. You didn't know that you had to go to the hospital? Yeah, I blacked out in the gym parking lot. I hadn't even gone in the gym yet. Blacked out. Went to the ER, dude. I thought I was going to pass away.

And they were just like, yeah, you're just like violently dehydrated they like did my blood work but dude they hooked me up to an iv and like why as the minutes progress i just didn't drink water but like you do you not like it um yeah i like need flavor and shit i like um seltzer water and shit but like regular water man it just takes a lot for me to do you know my wife started getting like that electrolyte powder for water that you put in and now it's like dude i'll never drink on just like plain ass water ever again if i someone gives me like yeah you know just a plain cup of water i'm like dude come on dude like i'm not drinking the brita the brita is where it's at okay so i got the brita gone sure which definitely helps yeah but uh yeah flavor though there's like you can just make your own electrolyte mix like do they have like that element stuff which is good yeah but

it's fucking so expensive yeah well it's element t or whatever yeah it's like 50 bucks for like 40 of them or something really and they help so But dude, you can just look at the ingredients and it's like public information, dude. Like if you go on their site, it just lists everything. It's like potassium, like all that shit. Yeah. So dude, I would buy that on Amazon by the pound. Oh, wow. I would just make my own.

Just have a little batch brewing. And it was all right, man. I just like, I honestly think there's like artificial shit in there that they just don't publicize. Definitely. There's got to be. Because there's something in there that's like spicing it up. Yeah. Because I made it by myself and I was like, this is not the same shit.

Well, I wonder if maybe they're making it in a specific way and you're just getting all the ingredients and just mashing it all up. And it's like, hey, dude, you actually have to do it like a certain way. But you can't just like throw fucking potassium into a fucking container i mean you can't like i think you would think you could i mean why not because those are the electrolytes yeah like like you know what i mean yeah so you can literally just buy electrolytes put them in there but it's gonna taste like shit yeah but yeah i'd buy like the gatorade zero shit but i'm just like dropping money on like nothing you know yeah i just wish i the gatorade zero shit but i'm just like dropping money on like nothing you know yeah i just wish i had the nuts to just like drink water i know yeah i'm still

making monthly payments for the medical bill really yeah because my benefits are shit dude i literally have to pay 280 a month for my medical bill for the er just to get an iv yeah they'll fuck you man the er like i would just not pay it dude yeah but i know some dudes who uh know like nurses who have access to like ivs really so they can just hit them up damn there's probably companies where you can just hit them up and be like hey i need an iv like yeah i mean you see the rich dudes doing it where it's like they're at shows and they're like yo i got ivs for everybody i mean pretty cool thing to like hook on yeah i'm just wondering though it's like is that all it is when you're that hungover it's just you're that dehydrated i think so yeah damn well i think it depends what it is i think if you have like a

sugary drink yeah if you have like you know twisted teas and stuff yeah i think the hangover is going to be worse because of the sugar that's yeah that's true the sugar will fuck you up like, you know, twisted teas and stuff. Yeah. I think the hangover is going to be worse because of the sugar. Yeah, that's true. The sugar will fuck you up. Like I'm diabetic, dude. And like I still drink, you know, not as much anymore, but like I'll get more fucked up if I'm getting crazy and I get like a pint of ice cream at night. Dude, I'll get so fucked up the next day. Yeah.

Rather like I'll drink 15 Bud Lights and I'll wake up and I'll be like, all right, I don't feel great. Yeah. But I eat a pint of fucking Ben and Jerry's, dude, and I'm down for a day. Yeah, dude. Sugar will absolutely fuck you, man. Dude. And I know going into where I'm like, this is going to fucking ruin my day. Yeah.

And sometimes I'll still just go for it and i'll just be jacking up insulin on my pump and uh just knowing that i just can't help it dude yeah dude i really don't think there is like a hangover cure though unless you have like an iv i mean that'll help but like how the fuck have we not figured that out yet they're like sending people to fucking mars and we haven't figured out hangovers yet yeah maybe they just don't want to who wouldn't want that yeah you know i don't know man i just think we need to get some of these guys like elon or whoever like on bigger issues like that where it's like dude hangovers we'll get to the wars and like whatever's going on yeah you know um free speech and all that stuff but like let's figure

some of that shit out yeah a lot of people would be on board for that too who wouldn't especially when you get older dude if you get hung over it's like dude dude if you were running for president and you said i am running and i'm gonna cure hangovers landslide victory yeah you just need to like figure out how to get those people to like register to vote that's true i'm not registered yeah so all right brother dude thanks for having me on dude thank you for coming man that was great yeah if you have uh what's your instagram again you got anything coming up um let's see uh yeah brendan donaghan comedy on instagram um i i think uh you can check out brendan donaghan comedy on Instagram. I think you can check out BrennaDonaghan.com.

I just got a website. Most of the dates I have coming up. Sorry? I said fuck yeah, dude. Thank you, man. I got nothing on there. I got some stuff coming up

at the Punchline in Philly. I got like a handful of dates there coming up, so check that out. And then I have my own podcast called South Jersey Bad Boys with my buddy Dan so check it out hell yeah dude thank you for coming bro

yeah we'd love to have you on if you're ever down by like Philly Jersey I gotta make it out to Philly dude I've never been dude you they will accept you with open arms I don't know about like the jersey but like everything else about you they'll be like he's one of us dude yeah I'll have to make it out man yeah thank you guys for watching but like yeah everything else about you they'll be like he's one of us dude fuck yeah so yeah

i'll have to make it out man yeah thank you guys for watching um yeah i'll get this up on the patreon today which is a dollar a month if you don't know you know you get those episodes a few days early for the most part man you know only a dollar a month but it's really all i can offer you guys right now man so yeah all right thank you guys thanks