The Johnny Salami Podcast - Brendan Sagalow
Episode Date: May 16, 2023Brendan Sagalow by The Johnny Salami Podcast...
Transcript
Discussion (0)
I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn
Yeah
Laughter
Music
Well I love you madly dear
And I need you badly dear
Why did you leave me here
Without your love
Music
Music
Music
Music
Music Oh bro I'm hurting.
I'm going to guess no.
You're talking about Omegle, though?
Omegle.
I was a big fan of Omegle.
though or just like oh magel i was a big fan of omegle uh but no i'm talking about like like chatterbait or myfreecams.com jesus christ which is like is that free or yeah dude i mean
that changed my fucking life when i found that yeah because it was like you know these like live
girls you know so they're undressing and and and my free cams is like tiger beat compared to
you know not because of any young girls or anything like that but um because it's like
it's like just very tame you know they're like it's like a strip club where it's like you're
not getting anything you know but they'll they'll like take their shirts off and stuff you know
every once in a while maybe they'll like finger themselves but it'll take like two hours
to get there and i'm like sitting there with my dick in my hand just watch which is kind of a part
of it too like when i when i was watching my free cams the part of it was like i was there all night
like before school just like with my dick and like soon as she'd be like hi i'd be like you
know you try to get it out really fast and then i found chatterbait which is the exact same thing
but they're like fucking and sucking and there's tranny uh there's trans sorry jesus and then uh
i'm trying to be better you know what i'm trying to like i know it's fine but uh, I'm trying to be better. You know what I mean? I'm trying to like, I know it's fine, but I'm, I'm trying to,
for me,
I'm trying to be,
be better.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
If somebody is like,
Hey,
we don't like that.
Then I will,
you know,
I won't do it.
But anyway,
so,
but I did look at the,
uh,
trans like folder for a little bit.
And I was like,
let's see if I'm into this.
You ever do that?
No,
I've tried the,
the gay stuff. I watched i watched i uh i tried brokeback mountain oh that's funny yeah yeah
just to see like if your dick out no i think i was wearing like silk undies though dude yeah i
think it was at my mom's house i just wanted to see what would happen like if i would feel anything and uh you wouldn't just try that with gay porn no i wanted to be like truly
emotional like i watched the whole movie up to that part interesting you know because you need
to you can't just go right into it no no you i yeah you need to pre everything like if i was
doing what you're doing on the uh is this on google by the way like you should send me these
links i'll send you the links you can literally look up just look up chatterbait.com is it through like the soviet union
or is it like just well no there are a lot of americans but then there are some that like
are obviously like you know they travel here in shipping containers you know what i mean like
there's a lot of them where you're like oh this looks like a nice girl and she's like
she's like looking at the thing.
She's like, oh, hey, Brendan Sagalow at gmail.com.
How you doing?
And I'm like, oh, my God.
Yeah, she's definitely like some sort of prostitute.
But they it's it's really amazing.
And they're all fucking and it's really cool.
And I don't know why I started talking about that.
But there was a point there was like something I was going to lead up to.
It's like, wait, so this is all in real time, point. There was something I was going to lead up to with that.
Wait, so this is all in real time, though?
It's all in real time.
How amazing is that?
That's wild. It's so awesome that it's made porn like nothing to me.
I'm like, so what, they film this and then put it out?
Please.
Like, I want, you know, when I watch porn, I want it out please like i want i want you know when i want when i when i
watch porn i want it to be like saturday night live yeah i want i want there to be a chance that
they can screw up or something to happen i want it live that's so yeah that's so exciting dude
i feel like i'm there right now dude it's sweet i'll send you the link i'm gonna try it out it
was one of the best things that i ever found. I mean, I was like, especially coming from my free cams, which is, like I said, very tame.
So I was like, oh, my God, look at this.
This is crazy.
And then there's a page with everybody.
So sometimes, like, the top person that everybody is in is like a dude.
And I'm like, okay, you got to scroll past the.
But honestly, not a bad gig, I don't think.
past the but honestly not a bad gig i don't think like being able to just sit there and like jerk off and then you know you're just getting money for that yeah that's crazy that it's free too
dude yeah i've been doing it pro bono for this i used to pay for browsers with my mom's credit
card oh my god she's older so she didn't really know you know how old's your mom probably like
almost 70 now wow she was like what is, what is this, brashish?
When did you do that?
A few years ago, like three years ago.
I was in college.
A lot of my boys asked for the membership too,
and I was like, nah, dude, this is $60 a month.
Yeah.
They're asking for the membership.
That's crazy.
Why even?
No, that's very nice. You should pay, but that's crazy. I would a little. Why even? No, that's very nice.
You should pay, but that's crazy.
I would never pay.
It was worth it, man.
Was it?
Why?
Just the quality.
What was the premium shit that you could get that like.
Just like legitimate like porn stars.
The acting was a little different, you know.
It wasn't always like the same like, oh my God, step bro.
It was like.
They get premium.
Yeah, it's
premium you get what you pay for man for sure but the what you're describing now seems like uh
i'm really into like you know i guess the the term would be amateur right i like i want it to
feel like they sent this to me you know what i mean? Or it's like they're just doing it for me.
Yeah.
You know, which is why I get, but I would never pay for them.
Like some people like you hear like ping and then they're like, thank you, John.
You know, it's like they definitely just paid for, you know, their fucking name to be called.
Is there like an AIM chat?
Like do you see the other dude's messages or is it just your message?
Bro, look it up right now.
Can you look this up right now?
No, dude. My computer will literally crash.
Will it?
You think so?
100%. What about on your phone?
You don't have to look this up.
I don't want to pressure you into looking up porn.
If I had a way of projecting it,
like if we ever had a budget,
I have a projector in my room so I might do that later.
Just put it up on that.
Dude, that's so funny that you're like, we need a budget to look at porn.
That's hilarious.
Well, I want everyone watching to see, you know.
So did your mom ever find out?
Was she ever like, what is Brazzers?
Yeah, she would look at her credit card statement and be like, what is...
What's $60 a month?
Yeah, I told her it was...
$60?
$60?
Do you think you masturbate $ a dollars worth i think so yeah for
sure yeah i'm up a buck 50 today back then too my friend talked me into it he was like listen man
like that's it's worth it and he was like you need to watch the videos from the beginning
of course and i was like if i'm watching porn it's from the beginning i i like having my dick out as long as possible yeah unless i have somewhere to go what type like
what type of shit are you sending them though like i don't i don't talk in the chat one time i did
one time one time um i was i was watching a this this girl on on my freeCams, and she showed her, like, pussy area.
Okay.
And, like, she didn't, like, open her vagina,
but she showed, like, you know, the little...
Yeah.
You know, she had, like, a porn star pussy
where it wasn't, like, you know, filled up with, like, meat.
So you didn't see the roast beef,
you just saw the bread.
Exactly, exactly.
You just saw a nice closed bread.
It looked like a sandwich at 7-Eleven.
It was all, you know, tight.
And, and I, I, so I, I put in the chat, I was like, your vagina looks like Peter Griffin's
face or something like that.
And it fucking killed, like it killed in the chat like because it was
just a bunch of dudes being like so hot sexy lady what's up hey how you doing today and then i went
your vagina looks like peter from family guy ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha they were all laughing at
it and then she like actually even mentioned it she was like your vagina she goes that's funny
and i was like oh my god I'm like killing in this room.
Wow, you're crushing it.
Yeah, but other than that, I don't talk in those things.
I just, I lurk.
I click around.
I'm like, I'm like, get, you know, go to this one, go to this one, go to this one.
Yeah, it's almost like commenting on like a YouTube video.
Like you don't want to be that guy.
No, I think if you make comments on literally anything, you're a psychopath.
Yeah, you're a fucking.
I comment on like my friend a psychopath. Yeah, you're fucking. I comment on, like, my friend's shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And, like, or, like, have you ever, like, scrolled by something, like, some sort of, like, whatever page that's, like, a meme page or whatever, or something that posted a video, and you're like, oh, this is, like, a funny joke.
I should say that.
And, like, you know, whatever.
That's what I'll do.
But I get embarrassed if anybody I know even sees that.
They're like, is Brendan commenting on Bro Pesci's Instagram?
Yeah.
I like to comment on, like, really serious photos and videos.
Like, people with, like, their families.
And I'll always comment, like, Helen Keller's tits.
Jesus Christ.
Something like that.
People are like, come on!
Hey, come on!
This isn't for that!
Yeah.
People get so mad, dude.
Yeah.
They get so mad.
I had a joke that was put up by that New Yorkers page.
And they've got like a big following or whatever.
And it was a joke about like seeing somebody sneeze in New York and like not make a reactionary like sneeze face.
Like that's the whole joke is like basically the punchline is like me going like, like you know like trying to keep as much of like a still face as possible while sneezing
yeah and people got so fucking mad they're like transplant then why don't you leave someone was
like then get the fuck out of here really and it was like dude take a fucking joke like it's not
even i wasn't even saying anything
bad about new york or anything i was just like i really just said like you're not supposed to
live like this you're not supposed to like walk around like this dude that's yeah dude yeah i've
been getting like death threats really some of my clips one of my clips i was talking to this older
comic who's like 40 and i was like yeah dude sometimes i think about just like uh just being in a dodge charger
just listening to classic rock and just letting the gas take you yeah i was like at like 10 rpms
and people went insane bro i saw that clip i saw that dude that that that was that was
huge the guy was like 10 RPMs. What the fuck?
Dude, did you look at the comments?
People were like.
No, I don't look at the comments.
That's crazy.
It's just like a bunch of dudes with like nice cars.
Like, bro, were you fucking retarded, bro?
Yeah.
Fucking 10 RPMs, kid.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's so funny.
Yeah.
It's like, dude, you're such a fucking loser.
Like, take a goddamn joke.
Some dude told me I should fucking end it, dude.
And I was just like.
He said, kill yourself?
He was like, yeah, you belong in, like, a maximum security penitentiary.
So, it's funny that we're talking about this.
Because I just came out of a swing of, like, a depression of looking up the comments and shit.
Yeah.
Not to, like, get too serious.
Yeah.
comments and shit yeah not to like get too serious but i'm like like i can't i get into a mode where if i'm not in a good place mentally anyone that comments anything remotely mean
on my page is getting like a fistful of my fury in every way possible i'm like i'm like i'll go to every picture that
they have on their stupid like they're they're people that have like 67 followers like literally
their instagrams are made just for their families and i'm like this is lame yeah like your son's
ugly like i'll say that like i put i actually got fucking like instagram jail because someone
called me fat on a thing so i went to their page and I found a picture of their baby.
And I went, what an ugly baby.
And it got taken down.
And they were like, you know.
And then I got throttled because of it.
My videos all got throttled.
You're going full speed, dude.
Yeah, I get into it.
But, you know, it's like you just got to be in a fucking zone of like these people are crazy.
Anyone who comments on anything is a psychopath.
Yeah.
And they're not real people.
They're just not real.
They're not real people.
So let them let them hash it out.
Like it does it like when I when I have a video that does really well, like after a while with your video, you're probably like, I can't even like I'm not even going to respond to these people.
There's so many comments. That kind of is like that feels good but when it's like two
or three people being like yo this guy's corny i'm like i have to respond to that because i still see
it you know what i mean like i'm not famous i see this it pops up on your phone and it's like
yeah how can you uh i just wish i had the mental toughness to just be like, no. I have all my notifications off.
Yeah.
I think they still pop up, though, sometimes.
They do still pop up.
It's like, how do I get away from this?
I have all my notifications off, and my fucking media page, like, folder on my phone is the last page of my phone.
Yeah.
So I have to scroll to get to it.
And by the third page, go like what am i doing
what am i just gonna go on instagram fuck that and i just and i turn it off imagine being like
so powerful though dude that like you don't look at any of it you know that's the somebody brings
it up you're like what are you talking about yeah you want to be someone like doja cat who's just
like well she i guess she's always on it that was a Yeah, you want to be someone like Doja Cat, who's just like, well, I guess she's always on it. That was a terrible example.
You want to be the president.
Like, the president is not on Twitter.
He's got a team that when something bad happens, he tweets out, you know, kids shouldn't be killed in schools.
And then that's fucking it.
You think the president's sitting around, like, tweeting,
being like, hold on, is this funny?
Like, showing his, like, secretary of state.
Is it funny to say that Clifford is too big of a dog?
It's kind of, like, ironic.
Yeah.
Sometimes I think about, like, just running outside and just throwing my fucking phone in a car.
I know afterwards, though, I would, like, cry.
Yeah, because we need it. We like prisoners to it like it's not the days of like you could just have a flip phone you know
like i know a couple people who just have flip phones which i'm very jealous of but they're
already like i i don't know it's like how do you check your fucking emails then? You wait until the end of the day to check your emails and stuff?
Yeah, dude.
Like, what do you do?
I got to turn off the microwave, dude, before I fucking kill myself.
Are you going to cut this out or should I just fucking, should I just ramble?
Put oatmeal in the microwave before you came here, dude.
Do you want to go eat it?
I feel like it's kind of, dude.
Dude, it's going gonna feel so good to
eat that afterwards yeah so what how old are you 27 right so what is a guy like you what what's a
what's a day look like for for for you i mean back to the instagram thing man like just looking at
like my explore page what's on the docket like well back to instagram hey well that's it i mean that's a good majority
of my day dude it's just like it's sad but it's like looking at like bro it's chicks asses and
tits of yeah it's just dude it's just tits and like that's like i can't dude there's so many
videos of just chicks like bending over and it's like yeah i'll try i'll try to change my algorithm
yeah that's so funny no they
know it's not me yeah yeah yeah you're like liking like people building school buses and you're like
history channel yeah yeah dude my tiktok because i'm the same way with tiktok my tiktok can get
real horny real quick yeah if i like because i would do the same thing where i'm like dude
this isn't good this isn't good for my relationship to be seeing all these, like, TikTok who is, like, bending over and, like, you know.
And I'm like, I got to, like, get.
So I'll do the same thing where I'm just not liking.
And then one day I, like, haven't jerked off for a day or two.
And I'm like, I like like somebody's, like, you know, whatever, her bending over.
And then it's like the next fucking it's like the floodgates open.
You ever get any, oh, you already have, you have a girlfriend or just like a.
Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
Oh shit, man.
Serious.
It's serious.
Living girlfriend.
Shit, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's serious.
I mean, we moved in very quickly because she got kicked out of her apartment.
So.
Oh wow.
You came in to rescue her, dude.
I rescued her.
I really didn't want to.
I really didn't want to. I really didn't want to.
She asked you or she kind of like hinted like, she's like, I'm out on these streets.
I need a hero.
It was kind of like, yeah, dude.
Like I was over there all the time.
I was basically kind of like living with her.
But like I did that before where I moved in very quickly with a girl and it didn't work out.
And it was a fucking painful breakup and it was
one of the worst breakups and we it was moving out and all that shit and so she's like yeah the
landlord's you know jacking the prices up and i was like she's like i gotta go and i'm like all
right well good luck you know i was like i hope you find a place i'll help you you know like i'll
help you look at a place but she's like do you think maybe like we should move it and i'm like no dude i was like no
we're not fucking ready for it and wouldn't you know it we fight a ton you know we're kind of at
each other's toes but i mean we're still love each other and all that stuff but it's like
yo i fucking called this like like we moved in way too quickly Yeah But now we're
You know it's kind of working out
She must have some fucking nice tits dude
She does
See
She does
That's what it's all about man
She's got a great body
I'm sorry I didn't mean to bring you down
I just like
Well you know
You know
I don't think you would have saved her
Because of her personality
I would have I would have She her Because of her personality I would've
I would've
She's got a great personality
She's got a great body
I don't wanna be objecting
Her
If she was in the room
And she heard you say that
She would've
Clawed your eyes out
Really
Yeah
Yeah she don't play that shit
Oh fuck
Yeah
I'm kinda hard right now dude
So you like
You look like the type of dude you kind of like enjoy
getting yelled at right no really dude come on are you fucking kidding i can't but she like you
just said yell that at all really yeah well she would claw your eyes out yeah but like because
you'll say stupid shit like that i don't say stupid shit like that i mean she would love for
me to say hey great tits and all that stuff.
But hearing another man, you know, she's going to be like, I can't even tell her.
I did this podcast.
Oh, fuck, man.
I'm sorry, dude.
I'm kidding.
We had a, oh, I can't even say it.
You can cut that out, though.
Yeah, there's a lot of dudes out there, man, who are like, just taken over by the tits, man.
You know, and I, you know, I, you know, I respect women and like, I get it.
You know, I love tits and ass, it's like yeah sometimes sounds like you respect them
i respect women love tits and ass so okay well i'm sorry dude i'm just a single dude you know
i'm out there you're out there man you're suffering yeah when was the last time you got a
laid good old like over the pants-pants handjob or laid?
Maybe.
Have you gotten an over-the-pants handjob lately?
No, dude.
But that's my goal.
I can't imagine being an adult and getting an over-the-pants handjob and then that's it.
Really?
At an Ace Hardware or something?
By a stranger?
No, by a chick, dude.
Like your chick? It's like a chick, dude. Like your chick?
Like a chick you're talking to, you know?
Yeah.
You don't think that would be hot or something?
No, that is hot.
Yeah.
I think that's very hot.
Like you're looking for like fucking like sandpaper?
Yeah, I would go into like the door section and just open my pants and have her like put her hand down there.
It's never at just an over-the-pants handjob.
If you're looking for like Scott's Turf Grow and some girl's like giving you an over-the-pants handjob. Yeah, dude, if you're looking for, like, Scott's Turf Grow and some girl's, like, giving you an over-the-pants handjob while you're looking at...
Dude.
Yeah, you're looking at fucking things that you could screw onto your chair.
Talk about respecting women, dude.
Yeah, I mean, they're into that.
I think there is, you know, a respect to that.
I just, like, I haven't, like, reached a point a point where like that switch in my brain has like
turned on what do you mean like the whole maturity thing right like a lot of my boys are like yeah
you know i'm hanging out with sarah tonight dude we're gonna watch hbo and go get some fucking
steaks right and i'm like i'm like dude i'm like dude you're telling me you can't play one game of
fucking warzone right yeah yeah it just like hasn't hit me you know
what i mean yeah it hurts me man but what are you like in relationships like have you ever had a
girlfriend before yeah yeah i don't know that's very funny just being like uh yeah yeah yeah
how'd that go it was pretty bad it was bad was bad? It was, yeah. Oh, wow.
You break up with her?
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
What?
No, you don't have to.
No, dude.
I just like...
I'm just trying to get a sense of like what is it a part of you that when you hear your
friends being like, yeah, I'm chilling with my chick, we're going to hang, and you're
like, bro, what are you fucking pussy whooped?
Let's just say I've been given up on a few times. Damn.'m there it hurts i've been there dude and i just dude it just takes
me a while to get over it dude and i'm just right i'm tired of walking down the road and listening
to the fray dude and telling myself everything's gonna be okay yeah yeah how to save a life and
like dude the immature thoughts that go through my fucking head dude like what like you're like
i'm gonna fucking kill myself.
No, dude.
I would just be like with my girlfriend and like we would be driving down the road and
she would be telling me a story that she was like really passionate about.
And I would think about like a fucking asteroid coming down from the sky.
Like you have a problem with listening.
That's that's one of the major thoughts, man.
You know, you've never thought of. Of course, course i think about that i think about all that shit yeah i have
a big problem with listening too but it's usually because i'm like high or something you know i'm
like like and also like you know sometimes it's just and i'm sure they feel the same way about us
whatever they're talking about is not as interesting as thinking about what would happen if an asteroid hit right now.
Yeah, and I, like, want to say how I feel.
Because they'll be like, oh, why are you laughing randomly?
You know?
Right.
You can't do that either.
And I want to be like, I want to tell them.
Well, I guess you can.
You can, but it'll lead to, like, a huge argument.
You know, it'll be like.
So you just weren't listening.
Yeah, the big, oh, I'm telling you, like, how I feel and shit like that. Yeah, feel and shit like yeah well that's bad you gotta listen yeah i mean you don't have to you can
do whatever you want yeah who is you know who is actually listening everyone just like
i don't know it's like are you actually you know you're pretending to listen you know you're like
wow that's a great story yeah because you like don't want to kind of you want to be respectful
for sure well sometimes it's just not it's just not the right time.
It's like I'm watching something, and she'll be like, oh, my God,
so this thing at work today happened, and I have to be like, whoa.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I'm interested, and I do want to hear it.
But sometimes I'm like like so fucking tired yeah that's
that's one of I think that's probably the worst part about being with somebody is that like having
a family the worst part about having a family is uh you just don't get to be tired you know what
I mean in any situation you really don't get to be that tired i mean if
i'm like you know yeah so it's like i just have to be like sorry i'm just so tired and then it's
like okay fine then i just like won't talk or whatever yeah no don't do that yeah it's kind of
like uh you have to uh just talk and i'll you have to be mature though like you have to well i've i've
taken the blame for a lot of things where i'm just like, dude, I'm just like not.
I know I'm not a good boyfriend.
You know what I mean?
Like, I know I can't be there.
You know?
Well, what do you have to do to make yourself a good boyfriend?
And do you want to be a good boyfriend?
That's the real.
I don't really want to right now.
Are you on Tinder and all that shit?
Nah, dude.
I'm straight up just spanking.
You're just spanking. That's it. I'm going to send you all these links, dude. I'm straight up just spanking. You're just spanking.
That's it.
I'm going to send you all these links, dude.
I'm fine with it, too, man.
Like, I'm just fine with, like...
Really?
Yeah.
You don't long for a woman's soft touch?
I long for love, dude.
I just don't know what fucking love feels like, dude.
I'm right there with you, buddy.
Like, you know, is it...
Even when you got it, you're like, this isn't...
I don't think this is it.
It's like, would this chick die for me, really?
You know?
Yeah.
Is that what love is to you?
I don't know, dude.
Someone dying for you?
I don't know what love is, dude.
I think about it all the time.
You know, like, sometimes I'm like, I want to feel that.
Yeah.
But it's also like...
I also feel like if I was with a girl who had, like, a steaming pair of tits, dude, and a good personality, I feel like if i was with a girl who had like a steaming pair of tits dude and a good personality
i feel like i would i would just throw everything you got i would just throw everything away i'd be
like you would i'd be like fuck everything else man like you would yeah i would i don't think that
at over time over time i think i would man i think i would lose my passion for like comedy and stuff
i'd be like dude i got this chick who's got like spanking tits fucking steaming tits dude and like she has a good
personality you know we can just go to the park and like talk about her feelings and stuff
right you know right so sometimes I gotta remind myself dude you know I gotta fucking yell out
you know I ain't chasing a bitch I'm chasing a sure yeah yeah yeah exactly I don't attract I
or I don't chase I attract kind of shit chasing a dream. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. I don't attract, or I don't chase, I attract kind of shit.
Yeah, start throwing like fake money in there.
I get that.
You know what I'm saying?
I get that.
But it's also like, you know, there's more to life than tits.
Yeah, yeah.
All that stuff goes away.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking about today, actually.
I was thinking about that, about like whenever was thinking about that, about, like, whenever Beyonce is brought up.
Or, like, remember when Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce, and then she made that, like, whole album, the Lemonade album?
Yeah.
And the vibe was, like, how could you ever cheat on Beyonce?
Mm-hmm.
And, like, everybody was saying that, like, oh, my God, like, how could you?
How could you?
And it's, like, have you, how could you how could you and it's like
have you none of you people ever been in a relationship like have you never heard of
i'm bored i'm bored with this person do you think beyonce's pussy is like changes at all
or anything like that like you think it's you know you probably get over the novelty of like
banging someone really hot and amazing like that,
like a queen like that.
That's why you're on these spank bank sites.
Right, but that's also something that you have to work through.
Yeah, I have to stop jerking off so much.
Yeah, dude, at a certain point
You're like
You know
Like that roast beef sandwich
Is gonna like
Turn into an airbag
Yeah
Yeah
You know your tits
Are gonna be deflated
And it's like
Are you gonna be
I don't take it
You have a lot of
Women listeners
Do you
No I just like
I think I really I hope your girlfriend doesn't watch this like
because i don't want to get you hurt dude i'm going to well now i can't share it is the problem
though um just don't clip that and make that the clip she won't listen to the podcast i'm sorry
dude i didn't mean to no it's all right she's like you know she's a fucking strong chick dude
they don't take that shit sure Sure, I would respect her, for sure.
But I do have to stop jerking off, I think.
Really?
Yeah, I was talking to my therapist about that shit, and he's like, you know.
Wait, you were talking to your therapist about spanking?
More or less words. Not really about spanking, but, you know talking to your therapist about spanking? More or less words.
Not really about spanking, but, you know, it came up.
You know, I have some sessions, you know, you got nothing to talk about, so you just bring up jerking off.
You're just sitting there like, whoops, so.
Did you bring up the.
Jerked off today.
Did you bring up the websites?
No, no, no.
But, yeah, like I sent him the link.
You guys are going to be in a group chat.
Meant to send this to you guys.
Here you go.
Yeah, he's basically like, when you get bored with somebody,
you got to just, I don't know, explore their body or some shit like that.
Like, love their body.
Yeah.
Are you, like, an intimate guy?
Are you getting into it?
Sometimes.
Because the way you describe the sites,
it seems like you're kind of into like the smaller like kinks.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I guess so.
Like if you were going to type a message into that message board.
If I were.
You'd be like twinkle your eyes a little bit.
What would I say?
Yeah.
I would probably say something like,
I would be like so fucking rude
probably I'd be like
take something off already
maybe I don't know like after a while
like yo can you fucking
I'd be like
I'd be like can you fucking
like take your shorts off
I want to see what kind of underwear
you're wearing and shit like that I'd probably say
wow you're like yeah can you take a shit and let your fucking house on fire yeah
yeah i love jerking off that no i'd probably say what i say to women when i'm like sexting them
which is like i'm always like you're so fucking hot that's probably what i would say on these
sites yeah if i were to comment on a,
on a cam site,
I would go,
you're so fucking hot or like pretty,
which is worse.
That's so lame.
You're like,
you're a princess.
You're so pretty.
You're like a pretty little princess.
Yeah.
And then she'd be like,
thank you,
Brendan.
Yeah,
man.
If you see,
uh,
all those message boards are kind of like creepy.
Yeah.
They are,
man.
Yeah. There are guys, like, creepy, too. Yeah. What do these guys say? They are, man. Yeah.
There are guys that, like, take their – there are dudes that, like, I guess just, like, volunteer to be these chicks, like, online pimps.
Yeah.
Where they're like, come on, guys.
Don't forget to tip.
You know what I mean?
It's like my bookie for that.
Kind of.
I don't know if these, like, these usernames work for the girl, but they're like, come on, guys, don't forget to tip.
50 bits for a kiss or something like that.
Yeah.
100 bits for topless.
Guys, we got to get to the goal.
There's like goal, which is like, we'll finger myself to completion for 1 a thousand bits or whatever the fuck.
And they're like, come on, guys.
We got to get to the goal.
And I'm always like, did you work for this girl?
Or are you just, like, you just volunteered to be, like, the, like, I got this.
Guys are, like, dude, dudes that are, like, bad at getting women are probably some of the corniest.
Like, just, dude, being, like, you know, it's, like, that whole m'lady vibe where corniest, like, just, dude, being like, you know, it's like that whole m'lady vibe where it's like, is that guy hurting you?
You know what I mean?
Like, that shit.
And they'll, like, walk up and they're like, are you, is everything okay here?
You're, like, so fucking lame.
Dude, I think women want, like, a strong man who's gonna, like, fucking chop a tree down and, like, you know.
You think?
I don't know.
I don't, yeah, I don't. I'm in the situation I'm in because I think I'm like a nice, I'm too
nice.
You know what I mean?
Are you too nice?
I really am, dude, to women.
I know that surprises you right now, but.
Well, so far, all I've heard you talk about is dead sasses and pussies.
Yeah, I know I'm not setting like a precedent, but if there were females around, you know,
I wouldn't be like, yo yo let me see those titties
yeah right i would be like hello hello
okay all right yeah that's really the juxtaposition it's either let me see those titties or hello
that's funny um yeah i really want to like see what you're like in a relationship
yeah probably just a piece of shit you think so for sure yeah like in a way where you're like
you probably do you smoke weed no you don't smoke weed i think that's why i'm a piece of
shit i don't like do drugs what do you mean by piece of shit uh like maybe like selfish
okay here we go i'm just being honest because i'm like getting into some shit
yeah i love it so how can i not be like i get that and i i make a forewarning where i'm like
hey listen i'm like pursuing a dream right that's insane and i don't expect you to understand it
but like this is my priority right and then over time they're kind of like why am i not
yeah on that list oh yeah i told you this oh yeah it's like yeah but we've been together for a while
i've had the list conversation too yeah and they're like oh so you just drive hours to tell
fart jokes and like nobody laughs and you think you're gonna let you know it's like well that's
a little fucking you don't have to say all that. You're like, so you just drive to tell bad jokes that nobody laughs at and you're bad?
I mean, that's kind of like.
You can just say the drive part.
Yeah.
Just say the drive part.
It hurts, man, but it's like.
Yeah, I mean.
I guess.
Yeah.
How can you do both things?
You know what I mean?
Why would, dude, why would any chick want to date a comic anyway?
No, they shouldn't ever.
It's insane.
It's like. Setting boundaries. It's like, don't do this to yourself yeah you know when you
like when i meet a chick i have to be like you know i have to have that conversation of like i'm
married to this and you're always gonna be number two yeah for now i mean hopefully i get to a part
where it's like you're you're my you know, I don't even look at it as a number.
I mean, I know I just said that, but it's like you're my chick. This is what I do. This is my job.
I love you. Like, what do you you know, but it's also a hard fucking job that we have to just drop anything at the fucking moment and go go do some stand up.
fucking moment and go go do some stand-up and it's like or if it's like you know we got to be on the road for a week and then i come home and maybe that day that i come home i have to do a
spot because this is all the money i'm making from these shows and it's like you couldn't take off
and it's like would you take off your job to just hang out with me? Yeah. Like, what are we talking about here?
Yeah, it's not even at that point, though.
It's like I'm going to, like, open mics and, like, crying on the way home.
That's brutal.
And it's like, oh, I can't balance that with, like, a relationship.
You know what I mean?
No.
Because I'm in the trenches right now, dude.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
It's hard to justify being an open m or in a relationship yeah nobody is like because they will be like all right well
show me what's so important yeah and then you take them to like a bar at two and two in the
afternoon yeah and people are like is this funny um democrats are gay yeah i'm like yo I've been talking to a lot of
Fucking fatties
Yeah
You look at her
I'm doing it
And then they have to be like
There's nothing worse than knowing somebody
With a dream
When they're like
And they have to be like
That was so good that
was really funny i loved how you asked if anyone's fucking yeah and then like no one laughed and you
went nobody me neither that was really funny really quick yeah that you bomb like yeah you
bomb spot and they're like you know you know you bomb they're like you did so well yeah they're
like you were like the only funny one.
You know, they're like insulting everybody else.
And you're like, those are all my friends.
So don't insult them, please.
But I meant like, dude, I literally was like, I'm too nice in the sense where I'm like,
don't do this.
Like, go find a dude, like some fucking finance dude who's going to like buy you steak dinners
and like listen to your
stories is that nice or is that it's super fucked up self-worth yeah i just i act like i'm just like
you don't like i have no worth you don't want to do this go find a dude who will actually like
right be way better for you right like don't fucking think that what are you doing yeah but
you know you're doing you're saying that and then they're like it's making them want to be with you more uh because you're like i i genuinely feel it though
look how yeah i don't know i wouldn't consider that i want that like a nice guy thing i would
consider but i'm not saying it's a bad guy thing either i just think like
you don't have any self-worth no confidence whatsoever.
That's what you got to say.
You go, I have no confidence.
So being in a relationship with me is going to be a fucking nightmare.
Yeah, it is.
For sure.
Dude, honestly, you should say that.
That should be like the thing you say to chicks.
Yeah.
That's as honest as it gets.
You're like, I'm talking incredibly transparent right now.
I have no self-worth or confidence.
So, I don't think you're going to want to be a part of this. Yeah.
But hit me up in, like, a couple years.
Yeah.
Read some self-help books.
Yeah.
You do that shit?
No.
No fucking.
I read Goggins' book.
Now, what book is that?
Can't Hurt Me.
Yeah.
That's funny.
Dude, I read that and I fucking ran 40 miles really yeah i filed my taxes and
everything nice dude yes yeah yes i'm not like a hard i'm not a hardcore i read that when i was
like severely depressed yeah and it helped me do so yeah i can talk shit i'm not talking shit
about goggins i'm not uh dude i just like i know, man. Is it weird to like, enjoy being alone though?
Is that like, you know, cause I, I, I enjoy like people like doubting me and like, I,
I would love to see like, you would say your haters are your motivators.
Yeah.
I want to see my ex with another dude and give her one of these.
What's up?
Yeah.
Going to the grizzly pear.
I'm going to like a fucking diner.
Yeah.
I'm going to go grizzly pear i'm going to like a fucking diner yeah i'm gonna go right at
a diner i have like fucking snots all over my face yeah that's dude that's hey whatever whatever
gets you going whatever motivates you it's that fire under your butthole dude that's what life's
all about man yeah how are you gonna how are you gonna spark that thing up, dude? And maybe it could be seeing your ex with another guy.
Maybe, dude.
Maybe it could be something else, dude.
What else gets you?
I'm still looking for it, dude.
Now that's the realest thing that's ever been wrote, dude.
I still haven't found what I'm looking for, dude.
I'll listen to that song, dude.
Who's that? Sting?
No, U2.
U2.
Yeah. Do you listen to that kind of stuff
and you get pumped up yeah man i'll listen to like uh natasha benningfield unwritten the rest
is still unwritten is that what that song is about it's about like you're creating your story as we
speak yeah you're living your journey the rest is still unwritten yeah yeah easy peas man that song
is go for go for a run to that song dude you run i ran last night dude for the first time in like
fucking five months dude is that how you work out no i literally almost had a heart attack last night
but i are you running for from something or like yeah just my thoughts dude right i just imagine
my thoughts behind me dude
and i just know what are so what are your what are these so bad thoughts that you're having i mean i
fucking told you dude like an asteroid hits that's a common thought dude dude i was walking down
ditmars that'd be sweet dude and i thought about riding an electric city bike into like into what i imagine me going full speed on an electric city bike
into one of those stands like when you used to ride your bike in the snow
because i saw people eating outside and i imagine me riding full speed into like a restaurant
and then just getting off the bike why didn't you do it
i'd probably get arrested dude you would get arrested those bikes are like a thousand bucks
i like that you you're like those bikes not crashing it into a bunch of people just ruining
everyone's like first date yeah if i yell if i yell something right honestly i don't think that
would ruin anyone's day yeah i think it would make it better yeah exactly because they'd all be like stand back yeah i'm like fucking fish sticks yeah i just get the city bike and bail yeah i
think about shit like that too where it's like it's like that bill burr joke where it's like
you fucking the minute you go like that you're like just the most famous person in the world
for like a week yeah isn't that funny though too when like people kill like a bunch of people now?
They're not that famous.
There are so many mass murderers happening that like you're just another drop in the bucket.
Yeah.
We're having a mass murder boom right now.
Yeah.
I mean it's just like all the rich people don't want that publicized though dude.
What do you mean?
If you have billions of dollars dude and you can like affect the news yeah like why would you want to like publicize that well what i'm saying is like
the people that are like you know all these school shooters like columbine is huge we know
dylan kleebald and eric what's his tits we know their names we know everything about that fucking
thing because it was so it wasn't the
first school shooting but it was definitely like huge huge and now it's like do you even remember
the name of the non-binary or or whatever the last school shooting the last shooting was which
wasn't even that school shooting it was like somebody had all they got what was that like a
grocery store or something there was like a mass shooting in a thing do you even know that person's name no you're just like oh there it goes again yeah yeah for sure that's
why it's like i don't know how we got on that but it's definitely a boom but yeah oh this is how we
got on it because it's like if i went out and i just sometimes i think about that where i'm like
all right no one's no one likes me my stand-up is not getting, it's not happening.
If it never happens, what do I do?
Maybe I could just kill a bunch of people.
Or try to kill a bunch of people.
Get, like, a minimum sentence of, like, what?
How many years do you think?
For murder?
For not murdering, but attempting to do a mass murder.
Oh, attempted homicide, yeah.
Attempting a school shooting or something.
Like, what do you think that gets?
How many years?
Maybe like 20.
Okay.
Honestly, you might, yeah, you'd probably have to plea for 20.
Have a good argument.
Right.
Maybe like plead insanity.
I'd probably plead insanity.
Yeah.
Distress.
Maybe like plead insanity.
I'd probably plead insanity.
Yeah.
Distress.
So say I do that, and if I could work out some sort of deal where I get virtually nothing,
like 12 years, come out, I'm 40, whatever.
Yeah.
Maybe I'll be a known comic.
You know what I mean? Maybe I'll be like, yo, you're a fucking legend, dude.
Like, you're a comedian who
went fucking nuts and blasted everybody but because we're in such a mass murder boom that I
I think nothing would happen I think you'd have to tone it down a little bit maybe like attempt
to like shoot up like a Denny's with like a dildo or something right like it wouldn't if it was a
real gun it would be a little alarming I don't think people would be like, no, no, it's got to be a real gun. You're fucking, you can't, you can't, you can't not use a real gun.
That would like, that would be so detrimental to the whole story.
Dude, you have the funniest demeanor.
Like.
So I'm taking this so seriously.
I'm like, what are you talking talking about it's so hard not to laugh
when you talk i know it's kind of a curse
you're telling me i can't ever be taken seriously dude if you walked into a denny's
with a like a gun air gun like an air no it's like a gun but it's in the shape of like a dildo
i'll do it.
I'll record the whole thing.
If we promote that.
For YouTube?
Dude, you will be famous.
I promise you.
No, you can't record it.
You can't record it.
You just have to tell the story?
It has to be.
Yes, it has to be more known than,
or like at least maybe security footage.
If there's security footage,
because if I look,
if I make it look like anything clout chasey, the whole plan is done.
The whole plan is over.
You got to make it look like you're losing your mind.
It's got to be cool. It can't be like, I'm going to get a ton of followers from this.
And then just kill a bunch of people.
Yeah, no one can know the intention. Bro, I'm going to get a ton of followers from this and then just kill a bunch of people. Yeah, no one can know the intention.
Bro, I'm going to do this and they're going to...
Dude, I will literally film it for you.
They're going to...
That's so funny.
They're going to watch this podcast and be like, he's been saying it the entire time.
This isn't even the first podcast I've said that on.
I'm always going around going like, should I kill people for fame?
Dude, I went through a bad breakup in college.
You want to talk about a bad breakup, dude?
Yeah, dude.
I thought I was in love and I got my heart broken.
What was her name?
I'm not going to say.
Ashley.
No, not even close.
Fuck off, dude.
Is it Emma?
I don't want to talk about it, dude.
Okay.
It took me years to get over this, dude.
I get it. But right after it, dude. Okay. It took me years to get over this, dude. I get it.
But right after it happened, I was losing my mind.
I told a few of my boys to meet up at a Burger King.
A Burger King?
Yeah.
Dude, I told them I was going to dress up in women's tights.
And I did.
I dressed up in women's tights.
They were inside of the Burger King.
And I walked up to the drive-thru and pulled my pants down.
And showed them your penis?
I showed them my asshole.
I spread it.
You walked up to the window nude?
Yeah.
Well, I had woman's tights on.
Did you have anything else?
Like a tight shirt on.
Oh, my God.
And I pulled my pants down and I spread my ass cheeks.
That's really...
They were in...
That's really going through they were in that's really
dude i went through i thought it was uh i thought it was funny at the time it just wasn't no and
then and you're also like it's not even that like you think it's funny you're like you're like this
will get the attention off on to me like it'll be like yeah like anytime someone like posts a
selfie or something you're like, they're going through it.
Because they need people to be like, yo, that was so funny, dude.
She doesn't even know.
You want them to be like, don't even worry about that other stuff.
It's the same thing, yeah.
You're not the breakup guy.
You're the funny, showing my penis to a Burger King worker guy.
Yeah, it's so immature, man, and it's so disrespectful.
Yeah.
But at the time, you're like.
It's also illegal.
Yeah. But at the time, you're like... It's also illegal. Yeah.
But at the time, you're like, dude, this is going to shock the world.
You know what I'm saying?
Did you film it?
No.
Oh.
That was a shitty story, dude.
No, I...
I feel like I let you down, dude.
You know what I mean?
No.
No, it's fine.
But those are the types of things I would do, like, after, like, a breakup.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. Yeah. Like, you ever do something like that after yeah dude i might
i'm like the king of fucking not anything like that i've never done anything that's like
self-harmy that's got self-harm vibes dude sure yeah yeah uh but i'm like i'm like the king of
like emo after breakup shit where like i was going through a breakup in high school with this girl.
And I would like put on like an all black button up and like suit pants and like a red tie and like put fucking makeup on my like eye shadow around my eyes.
And then just walk around my hometown.
Wow.
And like listening to like the American Idiot sound like soundtrack like album.
So not even like emo music, just like.
No, just Green Day and being like, I'm the son of Reggie Love.
Yeah.
You know, like shit like that.
And everybody doesn't give a shit.
You know, like that.
Like I'm really when I go through a breakup, or at least when I did, I mean, it's still, there's still something there.
Like the last breakup I went through, I definitely like dyed my hair a little too much or something like that.
You know?
You went to a fucking supercut?
Would you say supercuts?
You go to supercuts?
No, I go to a salon.
Oh, shit.
Okay. Diet bleach blonde Becky. Yeah, they're the best. would you say super cuts you go to super cuts no i go to a salon oh shit okay um diet bleach
blonde becky yeah they're the best you get some like chick from florida who's like all i know is
beer and hair and and they'll do your hair and they're the best at it like they know exactly
what they're doing oh yeah but i do shit like that like anytime i'm like i'm still bad with
like if i'm going through something everybody else it's everybody else's problem yeah i used to uh i used to like
fucking i lost a bunch of weight after that breakup that's great and i'm a big weight loss
breakup yeah dude if you want to lose weight break up break up yeah man you'll lose fucking
40 pounds of water weight in like two days, dude. Were people concerned?
No, man. I would go to like this, uh, I would go to a track and run and I would like publicize it.
And I wanted like another hot chick to see me and be like, he's going through it.
Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah.
Afterwards I would go to the subway that was on the same road as the track, man.
And I would eat subway salads and I lost, I lost like 40 pounds, dude. I mean, that's i mean that's great subway salads though so gross why don't you go to like a salad place have you
tried them have you ever had a subway salad dude you know i haven't can't fucking knock it till you
try i can't knock it until i tried it that's so true dude i would get like a double chicken
chopped salad from there wasn't that bad it was pretty good i can't walk in there without getting
like the sandwich and the cookies and a coke and all that shit yeah you're getting like a blt with like yeah shit yeah
dude yeah yeah i've yes i fucking love that that's what that's what made it so special though
the fact that it was dude if i'm going through something the main way to tell that i'm having a
rough time is if you look at my Instagram stories and it's like the
little dots you know what I mean if I'm constantly Instagram storying then I'm going through it oh
yeah yeah because I want I'm like look at look how great my life is I'm not I'm not sad you know
and then I'm looking at who's looking at I'm like is she looking at it you know what I mean yeah I
think uh at least you kind of like learn from those things though you know what do you try to like after you go through one breakup you're like
all right i kind of know what yeah that's so true dude you're like okay round two dude let's not
never gonna get a nose piercing again yeah you're like let's tone it down a little bit yeah yeah
yeah all life is all relationships are is just figuring out how to have less of a breakdown when you go through a breakup.
Yeah.
It's like, how can I be less of a mental issue, a mental case in the next breakup?
Yeah. Yeah, you learn from it for sure, dude.
Yeah.
It is like, I don't know, man, it's kind of like, you ever feel like depressed, but it's like a romantic depression?
Yeah.
I think there's some people that are addicted to the depression.
Like, I think there's some people who are addicted to, like, staring out of a window when it's raining.
Yeah, yeah.
What is that called when you're, like, addicted to the misery?
I don't know.
Is there a word for that?
I don't know.
Is there a phrase for that? I't know is there a phrase for that
I think there is
there's an emo song about it
please I mean I'm sure there's two ones
about just being like addicted to the misery
yeah yeah
I love that I mean that's like
I do have like
I romanticize depression and like
in this like poetic
like no one gets me and i'm walking
around and i gotta wear my hat today so i can hide my face from the world yeah and you you want like
a chick to walk up to you who has like you know like a full bush and like doesn't pay her taxes
like you want her to talk you i don't want any of what you just said i don't want a chick to walk
up to me i don't want a full bush i don't
want anyone that doesn't pay her taxes uh i like you you do it like when you were when i was younger
when you were blacked out on that shit with like the the red tie and you were listening to fucking
yeah the i hate my parents soundtrack yeah yeah yeah oh a hundred percent when when at that time and in college and a little
bit in my 20s like anytime i was sad i was like i hope i hope the girl notices like ask me what's
wrong but now i'm like i'm like don't fucking talk to me i just want to be sad one time i went
to a bar and i this is so fucking lame but i went to a bar because I, this is so fucking lame, but I went to a bar cause I
was feeling sad and I wanted to like romanticize my sadness.
So I, I went to a bar and I like sat at the end of the bar drinking all night and some
guy comes up to me, like a bunch of people walked in and some guy comes up to me and
he like, he's ordering beer and he's like, he's like, what's up man?
How you doing dude?
Good night tonight. Right. And I was like, yeah like yeah you know i was like just a curmudgeon and he's like
what are you drinking there and i went hey man i'm here alone can't you see i said i said can't
you see i'm drinking alone at a bar i'm not really in a good place yeah and he was like oh sorry i thought you know like he didn't
expect to run into fucking barney gumbel you know what i mean do you feel bad afterwards i felt like
a douche i didn't feel bad i didn't feel bad for him yeah i felt like oh i'm so fucking lame this
is so lame like what am i doing like this is like so like look at me it's so extra
self-deprecating yeah yeah it's this self-deprecating woe is me kind of like
bullshit yeah yeah it's dude it's super i did the same thing i went to a bar and had like
six bud lights by myself the lady behind the counter was a lesbian so i i knew i couldn't
hit on her and then you wanted to hit on someone dude there was one other waitress counter was a lesbian so i i knew i couldn't hit on her and then you wanted
to hit on someone dude there was one other waitress who was a smoke show nice she started
talking about her boyfriend dude and that's when i was like dude what are you doing yeah like this
is in your six beers deep outside of time square by yourself man like what are you doing maybe it's
because i have a chick right now but i'm like i don't care about getting laid at all like i'm like if i'm sad stay the fuck
away from me like i'm not meeting a girl like this yeah although there is something so awesome
about like being with this new chick and like letting her in on all your because some guys
like i think guys love to like just open up about their
life's troubles to chicks yeah like they want that so bad i was talking to a friend of mine
who went out on a date with a guy and the whole time it was like that like trauma bonding and the
whole time he's just like yeah he's like and she's like what the fuck and then she said like the next
day usually after a date you get like uh hey that
was really fun last night i would love to do that again let's let's hang out later in the way let me
know when you're free she just got a text at him from him that said uh i talked to my mom
just like dude it's so fucking some guys are so pathetic in that way dude it's it's it's so funny
but i i totally get the so i don't drink anymore but anytime me and my chick like get into an
argument where it's like over the top blowout yeah i how pathetic is this i'll go to a bar
alone and i'll pound like six heineken zeros like i'm not even, like, drinking, but I need the feeling of sitting at a bar, being
sad, lamenting with a beer in my hand.
Yeah, it's the perfect place, man.
Oh, it's the best, dude.
Yeah, I'll drink a Heineken Zero at, like, a bar, dude, and I'll just imagine a chick
coming up to me and being like...
Is that Heineken Zero?
Is that Heineken Zero?
What was there?
No alcohol content in it yeah she's like you
want to get out of here yeah she's like i have a limousine outside yeah getting ready to take me to
madison square garden where my bed is for sex yeah that's a perfect thought man go to like a
red roof end dude yeah super eight a nice super eight you. You want to do a Super 8 with me?
Yeah.
You, like I said, your demeanor is super funny.
Oh, thanks.
And your podcast, the name of it is perfect.
You think so?
Did you come up with a name or was it someone else?
Well, it was What's the Scenario?
Because that's a song.
And then we moved from Patreon, because we started during the pandemic,
so we were only Patreon.
And then we moved from the Patreon to a network with a blah, blah, blah, blah.
And it's like, wouldn't you know it, What's the Scenario podcast was taken. So we were like, all right's like when you know it what's the scenario podcast
was taken so we were like all right we'll change it to here's the scenario and it's kind of like
a running gag on our show that we like hate the name you know because it's like what the
fuck does that no one even knows it they're always like what is it it's like why is the situation or
you know and like we're constantly thinking of better names and it's like what are you gonna do you can't really change it but yeah i don't know i've never gotten a compliment on the
name that's very funny yeah well i was just i was just wondering like when you were younger did you
play like the what if game a lot yeah kind of i mean it's like really just like a reason to
sit around my buddies like you need like a, you need like a hook kind of on,
on podcasts unless you're like whatever,
unless you're like,
you know,
someone who is like disabled.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
Or like you and your friends can just talk and it's cool and whatever.
And it like hits,
but like for the most part you kind of need a hook.
So we're like,
let's just ask each other questions,
take it very seriously.
And,
uh,
but,
but when I was younger,
my mom bought me
this book called the big book of if and it's this fucking like 700 page book each with three what if
scenarios and questions on the fucking pages it's like the best party book i've ever you know wow
i i like i like party things i like, because anybody could just be like,
hey, I'm having a party, come over.
But I like having, okay, we're going to put that book out.
We're going to start doing it with people.
What I like to do when I go to a party, not even my party,
if there's a TV, I'll turn on trains.
trains I'll turn on trains
going from like
Sweden to France
and so it's like a
six hour whatever train ride
but they film the whole thing and it's
beautiful like I wish we could
put it on right now
it's just like cameras on the side of the train
going through these mountains
and these beautiful places.
And it's not something you have to pay attention to.
But every once in a while when you're at a party, you look at the TV and you go, that's beautiful.
And that's what I like.
Wow.
Yeah.
And no one knows that you set the tone for the rest of the night.
Well, I tell people.
Oh, you tell people?
I tell people.
Of course.
You're like, you see those fucking trains?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's 100% what I do. I go, I go, I did that. see those i go trains yeah yeah that's a hundred percent
what i do i go i go i did that yeah i go look at that you know how great that is i did that
yeah you're changing lives out there man well i was gonna ask you if you play like the what if
game when you were younger because like i mean now that i am getting to know you a little bit
it doesn't seem you seem like the type of kid who would be like what the fuck dude a little bit yeah
a little bit i'd be like you know
i get the whole like uh the party thing though dude like i don't know man i wish i could like uh
you could throw a nice party here yeah i mean a party for me would just be like getting the boys
together in like an open field playing like tag okay but having like flashlight tag yeah dude
maybe just get like some burgers and some hot dogs going, man. Yeah, add some chicks to that.
You got a party, my friend.
Yeah, dude.
Put on some classic rock, dude.
Yeah, like these guys?
Yeah.
What's your favorite band?
Probably ACDC.
No fucking way, dude.
Yeah, I used to drive around listening to You Shook Me All Night Long, man.
And I would put the windows down and just imagine like just me giving like a fatty a quick nod you know what
i'm saying you like fat chicks chubby chicks yeah you're into that yeah if we were if i was if i'm
gonna go on this cam site dude it's gonna be like chubby chicks only you can find chubby chicks on
there good for you man my chick also likes fat people really yeah she's she's really into it she fucking loves it she's
like she when she'll feel my like stomach and she's like and i asked her i was like what's up
with that like why do you like that and she said it felt like uh tits really she goes it feels like
you know like how you guys like tits and she's also bi so she's like tits feel great now then
they're awesome yeah and she's i was like
yeah and she's like that's how like dude's stomachs feel to me do you ever do you ever
like suck on or does she ever suck on your tits no you think you would like that i've had girls
kiss my nipples before and i'm like get the fuck out of here with that yeah i hate it like don't
touch unless you're like this or whatever like don't like be squeezing anything
yeah you know wow man dude if a girl sucked my tits dude i would put the ring on it you can ask
her to do that really yeah wow you ever get a hooker no i thought about it though pretty pricey
man they're so pricey my buddy showed me the site that he gets hookers from and i was just scrolling because i was so interested in like
are these and it's like some of these girls though are so fucking hot that it's like i can
just ask her to come over and like fuck me that's crazy yeah for like an hour or just like is there
like a rate there's a rate but like yeah it's like 500 an hour yeah i feel like i would do that
but i wouldn't like follow through with it i feel like I would do that, but I wouldn't follow through with it.
I feel like I would just play Xbox with her and then eat her out.
Right, right.
And I'm just like, that's it.
Yeah, I would ask her if anything I wrote is funny.
I would go, is there legs to this?
Yeah, I'd be like, is this normal?
Do you feel comfortable?
You want to talk about like yeah you're like uh you're like uh what i'm getting from you is you're a
romantic yeah who just isn't good at romance yet yeah man i try to like explain it to people and
like i'm like very romantic but the immaturity kind of comes caving in. Yeah. You know?
Like, I think it would be funny at, like, a fucking school dance, dude.
Like, you remember when that song would come on, and you'd be thinking about, like, that one?
What song?
I think for me it was Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo.
Oh, I love that song.
It's a good song, yeah. It's a great song.
And whenever that song would come on at the dance i would always think about this one chick but i like my immature side thinks about me like running up
to her full speed when that song comes on yeah just like i'm doing what just trying to slide
like tackling her just trying to slide on like one knee and then just like landing like right
right in front of a box right you know i'm saying
right i i think about how we get that dude i completely get that i so confusing i did shit
like that like it like proms and stuff like i did whatever it took to get attention onto me
but i could never be i can never like get a woman i would just be like, look how fast I can run.
And then I'd run away.
And then my friends would come in and be like, what's up?
How's it going?
Hit on them.
Did you guys have an open gym too during the dances?
Or was it just a dance?
No, we didn't do the prom in our school.
Oh, really?
You did the prom in your school?
Yeah, man.
In middle school, we did.
You had a middle school prom?
Yeah, I did. I didn't have a middle school prom. Oh, really? I didn't even have a junior year prom. They school? Yeah, man. In middle school, we did. You had a middle school prom? Yeah, I did.
I didn't have a middle school prom.
Oh, really?
I didn't even have a junior year prom.
They called it middle school dances, I think.
No.
But they had like one side was the dance floor and then the other side was like an open gym.
I would just shoot like half court shots and fucking nail people in the head, dude.
Yeah, while music is playing.
Yeah, that's so funny.
You're like, fuck!
You're getting really into it.
Yeah.
Like, god damn it! Like sweating my dick off is playing. Yeah, that's so funny. You're like, fuck! You're getting really into it. You're like, god damn it!
I'm, like, sweating my dick off.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, that's gonna go away, though.
You're 27.
Like, the thought of, like, sliding up to a girl.
Even the thought of you...
Even the...
The fact that you're even bringing up what you would do at your prom is, like...
You gotta get past this, dude. Yeah, dude, you're right, man. is like, you got to get past this.
Yeah, dude, you're right, man.
I got to get over it.
You're 27.
Just turned 27, so.
That means nothing.
No, it's, you got to, you know, not to tell you to live your life, obviously, but if you're longing for love, I get, I don't know.
I don't know.
Yeah.
You can't have the thought of, like, putting them in a headlock and giving them a noogie or something yeah nothing like that just like random stuff like anything
like in the anything that's really serious to me i think about the most random thing that could
happen at that point in time right that's a defense mechanism yeah and then i think about
you're at a funeral and you're like what if the the casket exploded? You're like Beavis and Butthead.
You're so funny.
Dude, that was a good one.
Yeah.
You what?
Because I think about your reaction too.
Because you have a funny reaction.
Yeah, so you're probably even thinking right now,
what if I just slapped the coffee out of his hand?
Yeah, if I just took out an AK and started shooting it at the ceiling.
Your face in that moment in time
would really make my day, dude.
For sure.
Damn, that would make me... That would put me into like years of therapy if you did that and then like we're like use your face so funny i'd be like oh my god that would really
send me spiraling yeah i hope that like puts a stamp on like what i'm like though man for sure
i can't fucking read you, dude.
I don't know what you're like.
You don't fucking know me, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Which might be who you are.
There's some people where it's like, you can't read.
That's who you are.
You're a guy that you can't read.
You ever hear Goggins yell that?
He's like, you don't know me, son.
No.
He's running and like, fuck.
You love Goggins.
No, dude, I don't.
Why?
I just think it's so fucking funny, dude, to like yell that.
You don't fucking know me.
Yeah, I like the guy that scored like the good bowling game and he was like, who are you?
I am.
Yeah.
You ever see that one?
Yeah.
I saw a dude jump on a fence at a softball game.
Yeah.
Like a men's softball game.
Bro.
And just yell shit.
That's. It's like, dude, that is that is the like that is my worst nightmare dude oh really being in a men's softball league and jumping on the fence and
yelling stuff yeah and then and then having to go home and being like and then everybody was
looking at me because i was jumping on the fence and we were really celebrating yeah it's like a
wife who's cheating on you like dude that dude, that would be so... Yeah.
That would be so fucking hard.
Yeah, that's not kind of the life that I want.
You don't have any, like, fears about, like,
your life at all, man?
Like, what are your fears right now?
My fears are...
Because, like, you live an exciting life, obviously,
but, like, don't you ever get scared
that your life will become boring?
Yeah, a little bit.
Sometimes I fear that the calls will stop coming in, the emails will stop.
Not like I'm getting a lot of calls and emails right now, but they'll just stop coming in in general.
Every club booker will be a new booker that doesn't know who I am, so that whole world will go away.
Oh, wow.
will be a new booker that doesn't know who i am so like that whole world will go away and i'll just have to be like i guess i'll just make content or whatever or like something like
i'm always i'm afraid of like i know that's that's fucking lame to be like what if it's
what if my content is you know or whatever but yeah i don't know i'm i do get i do get afraid
of living this like boring yeah yeah life but i also like want a kind of a boring life
like i want both dude i want to like lose my mind and and be like drinking whiskey and doing coke
and have people be like worried for me all the time yeah but i know what's best for me is a family
and maybe some kids and a house buying a house that would be sick dude yeah shit that
like seems like would be boring to me years ago like i kind of want now but then there's also
the part of me that's like dude fuck it all yeah just start wearing a leather jacket and just start
like getting obliterated all day yeah just finger banging chicks at like a best buy yeah not knowing like yeah yeah you
gotta you gotta think for like i don't even know what i just said third bases at major
department stores yeah you're like over the fence hand job at a home depot and then fingering a
chick at a best buy but yeah i don't know i have like yeah i have a fear of Let's just go back to that
My health
Oh really
Yeah like
It all just declining
Well you don't drink dude
So what are you worried about
I drink a lot of coffee
I eat a lot of bad food
Yeah come on
I don't really work out
I mean you have like a dad bod though dude
It's not like you're like
In
You know
You're not in trouble dude
I don't know
Unless there's something I don't know
But it could be nothing
Like even cancer or something Oh yeah It's come out of fucking nowhere and cancer stores in fat cells so
i'm fucked the minute i have cancer it's gonna spread like wildfire yeah i'm also i'm afraid of
like my chick dying and shit yeah that's a big fear i'm afraid of the people i love dying yeah
that's a common fear for sure man yeah i hate it you have like normal fears though dude yeah i'm kind of a normal guy in that way wow dude i didn't expect you to be like this normal dude
well you have to really get to know me then i get freaky the podcast ends dude you just start
fucking yeah i'm like can i iron my shirt here
yeah brendan came over just started ironing a shirt here he was and they started ironing my
shirt what am I gonna do what it's funny what am I gonna do I'll let him do it okay
I had to go I had therapy yeah why did you uh why'd you stop drinking um well i i stopped originally because someone i was dating wasn't
drinking and then i just liked it dude i like liked how i felt it made me a better person it
made my life better it fucking sucks but it's it's the the pros outweigh the cons to me you know like
i just don't fucking need it and i smoke a a ton of weed, so, like, I'd rather just be high in places than tripping over myself and, like, you know, putting myself in positions where I can exhibit toxic behavior.
Yeah.
Which I don't want to fucking do.
I don't want to say things.
I just want to fucking work.
I don't want to, like, be, I don't want to say shit to people that i regret
i don't want to be around like other comics being fucking blackout i don't want my breath to smell
anymore i don't want i don't want to like be in a in a room where like possibly a girl is hitting
on me and like i'm too drunk to like you know whatever and and make a big mistake and blah blah blah i don't want any of that shit you know that makes sense but i do miss partying i really miss partying you were you
were into that type of stuff yeah that was my shit so the aside from like the train thing what
would be like a solid fucking rager for you would it be like project x or just yeah yeah yeah project
x fucking everybody's hammered i'm trying to be the center
of attention like me and my friends being the center of attention trying like so pathetic
beer pong fucking 40s like getting fucking hammered drugs i loved you experience this in
real time yeah this was my life city oh yeah oh yeah we go to the mckibben lofts and stuff during
college like brooklyn mckibben
lofts oh wow and just get fucking hammered in this loft and like oh man yeah like i would be like
probably at if i were drinking i would probably be getting drunk tonight right it's saturday i
was drinking every night oh because we go into these comedy clubs and you walk past a bar so
they're like and they if they know you they're like brendan wine they'll
like they'll like say you're fucking oh vodka soda and i'm like yes please you know coronas i was big
on love to just pound a corona did that affect your comedy at all yeah oh that was another thing
like my comedy fucking sucked because i wasn't working like i wasn't writing i wasn't treating
it like a job i was
just getting fucking hammered i was making myself look like an open mic or to people i respect
you know yeah i was just getting i was like blacking out and like being yeah just being a
fucking tool bag and like i don't know it yeah it would affect because you gotta write during the
day and if i'm fucking hungover then i'm not writing yeah and all really
i'm just like you're not you know when you're drinking you're like all i gotta do is fucking
hang out with people drink with them they'll put me on shows and like that's how you think for and
i thought that way for 10 years wow and around a year eight i started writing. But like.
Took you a while.
Took me a fucking while.
If you could go back, would you change it?
You just kind of.
Do you have any like.
No.
Has it helped your material kind of.
Stopping drinking.
Yeah.
Or just writing.
You must have like some stories, you know.
Of like what?
We're just like experiencing that.
If you could go back, would you just be like, all right, I'm just going to be sober now.
Or would you be like, all right. No.
No. I'd be like. i would probably be like quit sooner yeah
but you got like experience that life dude like because like you get your foot in the door a lot
from being someone who drinks you know if you're like going out with people or you're going to like
the new york comedy festival parties or whatever. Just sort of parties.
And there's a lot of people there that you can mingle with.
It's easier to fucking get a little drunk and walk around.
Or even walk up to someone and you're like, you're the cool dude.
Because you go to a group of people and you're like, yo, I'm buying drinks.
Anybody want drinks?
And then automatically everybody's into you.
I'm not buying drinks.
I'm not buying anyone
drinks i'm barely talking to people like i i'll get high in the front and then kind of like try
to just you know and i'll be there for five minutes and then i'll go home yeah and i like
that life better yeah sounds like a good life man yeah because there's not a lot of people that like
you know there's not like situations where i'm like oh i should be drinking right now there are. There are some times when you're like, if you're out with like,
I've never opened for Burt Kreischer.
I've never been on the road with Burt.
But I can imagine that not drinking in that situation is really hard and kind of lame.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
You want to be like, yo, I got to drink in this situation.
I have to. The choice situation. I have to.
The choice is to drink.
Yeah.
Whereas that might be right, but then the next day I'm drinking at a bar until four
in the morning with people I don't like.
Yeah.
There's a lot of that, hanging out with people you don't really like that much.
Yeah, and then it gets sad.
You get depressed.
It gets sad.
And everybody's just talking shit.
And everybody's making up excuses for why they're not doing well.
And you're like, yo, who's the booker?
I'll fucking do it.
Like, how come they only book, like, Ashkenazi Jews there?
That's crazy.
Like, get a white guy in there.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Just complaining and bitching and then spending all your money on booze and ruining your relationship.
Yeah, I stopped early.
Did you quit drinking?
Pretty much, man.
Maybe once a month I'll go out.
And even then I'm like, dude, I fucking hate this.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I stopped because it obviously wasn't funny anymore to try and suck my dick outside of a fucking Walgreens.
You know what I mean?
Nobody found anything funny anymore yeah everyone wanted to
just chill and drink dude yeah yeah it's like dude what are we doing yeah they're all playing
uno and it's like dude if we're gonna get drunk let's go do something insane yeah let's party
yeah let's like piss off some roofs yeah no like yeah it's just like yeah i was never that kind of guy i was like the chill and
i liked partying but i was also like chill but my problem was the excess was too much it was like
after this i would be getting i would be if you were like yeah you want anything to drink right
now i'd be like let's get some fucking whiskeys so you weren't alcoholics were you saying yes
yeah so i was i was like i literally cannot just have one beer yeah and sit
here and talk about like like i have to if i had one beer here it wouldn't even be one beer it would
be like yo let me get like two or three i would have two or three here yeah get a buzz going
walk by a liquor store get a couple of those like little jack daniels just for i would i would plan like having enough
for before my shows and i would be like okay and then i would go to the shows and i would walk in
and i'd have a beer or whatever at the the bar be fucking just black out on stage being thinking
i'm killing when everyone's like they might just be laughing because i'm like puking out of my nose
you know and then like you know and then i would because I'm like puking out of my nose, you know? And then like, you know, and then I would have,
and then I would get blackout.
And then I'd be up till four in the morning.
I'd probably be doing cocaine at some point.
And then the next day I would be like,
I'm never drinking again.
And then the next, and then Monday I would be like
having a wine at a club or something.
I would literally drink tequila from the bottle.
Yeah.
Like split it with a buddy.
Yeah.
And then be like, dude, you want to go get like some more?
Yeah.
And then by the end of the night I'd be like, yo, I got to get out of here.
Being like, I got to get out of here is really funny for like a drunk story.
And then I would walk out the front door and just drop, and i would really fall asleep you'd fall asleep i would fall asleep
on lawns in bushes yeah i've fallen asleep on like a bench in a park and been like where you
know wake up a couple hours later i blacked out at a hot dog eating contest once in a bush and
just woke up and went to like a chinese buffet afterwards oh my god diarrhea dude it was so bad yeah it's funny though because it's like i was never like
bad i never like really ruined my life on booze you call so i i don't get any respect from like
my type of sober is like no one respects it just being like i just don't want to drink anymore sober people don't respect it because i still smoke weed yeah drink people who drink don't
respect it because they're like they know me from when i was drinking they're like you're not that
bad you were never that bad and that's pretty much it yeah those are the two people damn dude that's
i mean who cares, though, man?
Like, sober to me, though, like, the perks are, like, doing shit like this.
Yeah.
Where I'm just.
You think you could do this hungover?
No.
I don't even think I could have asked you to come on the podcast.
I would have been, like, anxiety would have been, like, dude.
Through the fucking roof.
Don't fucking do it, man.
Through the roof.
That's another thing.
Like, people drink.
You know, not to turn this
into this fucking the god's plan yeah podcast we're gonna send this to jordan peterson um they're so
right these two guys why does he talk like that he's like uh he's got like this kind of he's like
mickey it's almost like he's gonna cry like yeah he's always kind of like you know joe rogan have
you seen the video of him crying it's so fucking no no you know
bring it up on your laptop or yeah is this just for show no this is recording the audio oh so if
i bring something else up it's just gonna fucking blow up and i'm gonna be like fuck man like you
gotta start over dude uh next week yeah right what was it fucking uh you were talking about
like alcoholism oh yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where it's like.
Not to be this guy.
Not to be like the God's plan.
I remember saying that.
Not to be the God's plan podcast.
But it was something about like, what the fuck were we talking about, dude?
Stop smoking weed, dude.
No, I can't do that.
I'm also addicted to weed.
You were going to say something really serious, dude.
Am I being too serious?
No, but you were like like not to be this guy but
no something it was something about like how drinking is just bad oh yeah i was like you
know people drink because they think it like helps their anxiety and it you know this is so stupid
because i'm not even reinventing the wheel here like everybody knows this but alcohol is like it makes you so much more anxious like i'm i'm not any like i'm
not not anxious all the time but i'm at least like it's not it's it's kind of like a steady
pace of anxiety and then when something actually like happens that you need anxiety for it like
goes like this whereas drinking i was like i would be i'd be like thinking about everything
i'm saying i'd be thinking about everything I'm saying.
I'd be thinking about everything you're saying.
I'd be like, it would be through the fucking roof. It was never during, though.
It was always after.
What?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was always the next day.
Yeah, dude.
If I was drunk, I'd be like, dude, you can literally create your own country right now.
Yeah.
And then the next day, I would be like, dude, give up on literally everything.
I know.
I know.
Which is so
bad because it's like when when you like then i would be like i have to do everything drunk
like i'm fucking superman when i'm drunk so i have to be drunk doing everything i have to be
like i'm on stage like you guys are like you know what i'm saying you know like going over yeah you
think you're crushing and you think you're crushing and you're fucking not.
I remember going, I remember being like blackout drunk and going into one of those loft apartments
that have like an indoor basketball court.
You ever see those?
Yeah.
And we were playing basketball and I was so drunk.
I was like, dude, I'm literally about to ball up on these hoes.
Yeah.
It was like three chicks and like three dudes.
And I was like, yo, yo, Julie, watch this fucking jump shot.
Yeah.
And I literally shot it and like hit the ceiling.
But in my head, I was like, dude, that's all in that.
Yeah.
You're like, you like threw it behind your back, like swish, get me a shot.
It was like, I was so adamant about it.
I was like, dude, that is, I felt in my wrist it i was like dude that is i felt in my wrist i
was like that's going in on that dude oh yeah like you just keep trying it's like dude you're
literally like shit it bro i also get like so fucking horned up when i'm drunk really yeah oh
yeah it's amazing i'm always like what's up but one time i was walking down the street i was so
fucking hammered that i was walking down the street. I was like 22 or 23.
And I passed by this woman who was just walking by.
She was this like Latino woman.
And she was just walking by.
And I went, what's up, baby?
I was like, what's up, baby?
You trying to fuck?
And she was like, what did you just say to me? And I was like, do's up, baby? You trying to fuck? And she was like, what did you just say to me?
And I was like, do you want to have sex?
You know, like I was really pushing for it.
And she was like, she was like, she goes, how much money do you have?
And I like reached in my pocket and I was like, I have $10.
And she was like, go home.
And she left.
So who knows? Maybe she would have fucked me if I had like, or she was trying to rob me was like, go home. And she left. So who knows?
Maybe she would have fucked me if I had like, or she was trying to rob me.
Yeah, either one, man.
You never know.
Yeah.
You should promote your podcast to the people.
Oh, yeah.
Here's the scenario.
Check it out.
Here's the scenario podcast.
It's very fun.
Very funny.
I do it with my good, good friends.
And then you have your comedy going for you, dude.
Thanks, dude.
I hope people go out and see you, dude.
Yeah. Come see me live. i got some dates coming up bernin sagalow.com i will be in rhode island i'm gonna be at the comedy connection oh hell yeah august 24th nice that's where it started
out dude that's the connection yeah that's a great club yeah it was like an old bank right
it's an old bank yeah dude super intimate though you'll have a fucking blast cool you got a lot of
like rhode island guys that listen to this?
Yeah, yeah.
For sure, man.
Comedy Connection.
Fucking go out to the Comedy Connection. August 24th.
And then if you're in New Jersey, I'm doing the Algonquin Theater with Mike Cannon and
Mike Feeney, and we're going to do a live podcast September 16th, I think it is.
But it's all on my website.
Fuck yeah, dude.
Yeah.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you.