The Johnny Salami Podcast - Brittany Brave

Episode Date: November 13, 2024

Brittany Brave by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Very state-of-the-art. Yeah. Yeah.

This is great. You should be sponsored by a Radio Shack or something. Are they still around? No. Yeah, they went bankrupt yeah but you could bring them back i think so yeah you could resurrect trying to bring walmart back right now you're bringing walmart back i think so yeah how with the the polos and shit pretty much funding them i feel like is your whole outfit from walmart most of it yeah nice the underwear is just not really doing well for me though you know they have like uh what's it called good something you ever you ever see that uh brand it's like good good something good good goodwill goodwill good humor okay i believe you yeah you

know like when you go to like wal Or like Burlington Coat Factory or something They always have like shitty branded stuff Yeah That's like what I'm rocking You know what I mean? Yeah But for the underwear it's just not paying off, dude You know what I mean?

I don't know what you mean But I do know what you mean Yeah Men do terrible things to their underwear Like it's awful Yeah Like girls Girls it's very different we go for it we all

we're also going for like aesthetic with the underwear as well too but men like perform natural disasters on their underwear yeah i mean i don't even wipe dude so that's abhorrent no you're not i know i'm not i knew it That's why when I walked in, you were like, the dog is so smelly. And I was like, it's your asshole. I know, dude. Yeah. I thought you wouldn't notice, but. You know what would be really funny?

If your whole outfit was Walmart, but then like your underwear, you're like, I don't skimp there. Prada. Gucci. That'd be sick. Or if I just had like, my whole outfit was just, like, shit stains, but in, like, a stylish way. Okay, that would be a challenge to make it stylish, but I could see it. I know, but, dude, if you have confidence, I feel like you can pull, like, almost anything off. That is pretty true.

That is, I mean, two girls, one cup is a cultural phenomenon. Yeah. And nobody, you know, if you described two girls, one cup, like I think about this. My grandparents have been dead for like a really long time. Yeah. Yeah. And the saddest thing about that is they weren't alive to see two girls, one cup. But like if I had explained to my grandmother today, two girls, one cup, she wouldn't think it's like she wouldn't she'd probably pass away yeah i think so yeah i don't think her brain would be able to like

comprehend it and my grandfather would be like put it on a vhs and leave me alone for 20 minutes yeah for sure yeah so i mean but they were able to make shit work for them in a grotesque way but they i mean those two girls made a career off of yeah literally eating shit critically acclaimed film dude yeah maybe that's where fashion is going where it just incorporates bodily fluids yeah yeah when uh when kanye was like crushing it before like the whole jew thing i used to say man like he could wear the whole Jew thing. I used to say, man, like he could wear... Before the whole Jew thing. Well, I used to say he could have worn like a strap on on his forehead. No, everyone would have thought he was brilliant. Yeah.

They still do, I think. I think so, yeah. I think no matter what he says or does, it's kind of like Donald Trump. Yeah. They're like, ah. It's for the boys, yeah. It's just who he is. It's for the boys. He's got that dog in Trump. Yeah. They're like, ah. It's just who he is. It's for the boys.

He's got that dog in him. Yeah. He's got that, yeah. I've never really been a fan of Kanye's fashion because it's too much for me, dude. Too much in like glitz and glamour? Yeah, like you don't want to walk into like a fucking Home Depot with like eagle wings on. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that would be sick, but I just don't have the confidence to like pull that off yeah no i

mean you're i mean you i believe that your whole outfit's from walmart and you shit your pants and you have to buy extra durable panties so you and kanye are not built the same wearing fucking diapers dude yeah adult you know if you think about it though if we all were actually so if it was socially acceptable for us to wear diapers we all would like save a lot of time it's funny man i've talked about this a lot with a lot of my boys okay diapers and shit yeah are you guys the rugrats i mean that would be sick if i if i could hang out my boys wearing diapers we're all just taking shits we would definitely build some chemistry for sure. Yeah, it would do something.

It would do something. I mean, if you're able to hang out with all of your boys in diapers, simultaneously taking shits, I mean, you basically just put those guys in your will. I feel like that's... At least like a beneficiary.

Something. Something like that. I don't even know what that. I'm so broke. I don't even know. It's like if you die, they. It's what the person. You have to die though. You have to pass away.

Okay. So. Okay. So have you actually done this? Have you actually? No, you wouldn't know. You're saying hypothetically you would sit. Have I passed away?

I already know that. You have. Yeah. Yeah. Came back to life. I thought we had met prior to doing this podcast and I did not know that you have yeah yeah came back to life dude i thought we had met prior to doing this podcast and i did not know that you have the body language of a serial killer oh really a little bit damn you're very stoic you're very dry i'm not saying i dislike it yeah

but it's interesting because you you're very nice over dm and you're very animated over dm and text animated over dm yeah i think so i think you're very animated over DM and text. Animated over DM? Yeah, I think so. I think you're like friendly to chat with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all the monster energies. That might be why you're shitting your pants. Yeah, I've been ripping dimes.

Yeah, I mean, that's who I am, dude. Like if you want me to talk about that stuff. It takes me a while, man, to get used to people. Yeah. them dude like if you want me to talk about that stuff it takes me a while man to get used to people yeah i've been kind of depressed lately uh because uh i've been doing better at comedy like i've been getting better just being myself which is like full bull retarded uh but then after shows i'll meet people and uh they'll be like dude is, is that an act? Yeah. A shtick? And I have to be like, no, man, like that's who I really am.

And it just crushes me inside, dude, you know? Sometimes I think about just getting like a fucking 401k, man, and just being like a normal guy. And then part of me is like, fuck those people. But it happens like every time. So it's like, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Because you don't feel seen from the audience. It does feel like an act. I believe time so it's like yeah you know yeah because you you don't feel seen from the audience it does feel like an act i believe you that it's not but it does i when you

open the door and you said hi to me i was like oh he dislikes me already oh really yeah but then i was like no that's just who he is but i'm also the opposite i'm like i would talk to yeah the wall so i'm like i have a different energy yeah but i think you're being yourself i buy it yeah i don't know if i believe you did i'm slowly but surely buying it so you like uh when you meet people usually they're just like themselves like right away there's no like easing in um no there's some easing in i definitely think i know i actually think it's the opposite i think people aren't really themselves when you first meet them yeah you know like they're all putting on this like facade and they're like overly nice and friendly so i actually respect

that you're you like through and through it took you a few minutes to like respect it but yeah i just like i don't know man we got here we arrived and we're at the station we're here yeah i mean i don't we're almost there i feel like yeah i feel like we're kind of like doing ice breakers or like a college orientation or something yeah if somebody started listening to the podcast right at this time stamp they would think that this is porn really well you just said we're almost there yeah we're just doing ice break. Icebreakers is a fun way to describe foreplay. You think you could pull that off? Like using, calling foreplay icebreakers in the bedroom? Let me ask you something.

Yeah. If you showed up here, right, first time meeting me. Yeah. And I opened the door, screamed penis, and like threw fucking pudding at the wall. Would that be better than what I did originally? Let me think. I open the door and you just scream penis at the top of your lungs and throw pudding at the wall. Animated, like emotions flaring.

I like that that's your version of showing emotion. Yeah. You skipped from smiling to damaging your own apartment. Yeah. It would actually be the outside. So I'm not dealing with that shit. It's for the fucking landlord. It's for the fucking birds, dude.

I'm only doing it for the square footage that I pay for. It's not a fucking problem, dude. Yeah. Because those are the options, man. No. That's... yeah um because those are the options man no that's that's those are the only options yeah you'd be very uncomfortable i feel like honestly like if you laughed that'd be pretty cool i'd be less i'd be more comfortable with that than than the way you opened the door tonight what did i do nothing you just you were yourself but like i said i don't

think we've met in person or at least spent a lot of time together in person. Well, I mean, you should know if we've met. I'm pretty sure we met. We never met, dude. I wouldn't know. I have a very good memory, dude. I'm like retarded, but I remember. Yeah, it's like your superpower.

Yeah. Yeah. Remembering, huh? Yeah. Okay, well, then maybe I'm wrong. We didn't meet. You probably met another dude that just looks retarded i'm gonna get canceled just for being on this podcast oh you can't you can't say retarded i actually wish you could because i think nine times out of ten the word retarded yeah nobody's using it tom sagura has a really good bit about this about how nobody

uses it like oh look at that guy he is retarded like we're all trying to say like why would you do that that's stupid it's retarded but retard yeah i do wish you i there's one word that we should bring back i think it's retarded uh it's been back for a while it's been you're like it never left baby for me yeah gay and retarded yeah gay's gone through a lot of gay it has gone through i think everybody's gay nowadays because when we were in middle school we used the word gay so much remember we called everything gay like it was just like that's gay i've been doing that my whole life dude yeah i think you invented Yeah. When you combine gay and retarded, though, dude. You get the award-winning podcast. Yeah, that's like getting drunk and high.

I love the one I asked, why, as I said, is Johnny Salami your alter ego? And I love that you were like, my nipples look like salami. Yeah. Are you Italian? No, I'm not. Oh, wow. That's even worse, because if you're Italian, then you could at least be like, that's genetic, I guess. It's all natural, dude.

Yeah, my labia looks like salami. For real? No. That would be sick. That would be awesome. I'm coming for your podcast. Wait, what do you mean? Like, hypothetically, I feel like you're not lying, dude.

About my labia? Yeah. No, it doesn't look like salami. Usually when women talk about their labia, it's like... I think my labia looks like prosciutto. Is it cheese? No, it's like Italian ham. Oh, shit.

It's very good. It's very tasty. It's a party favorite. Yeah, the labia is pretty interesting. I've looked up... I've done some research on Reddit about the labia a few times. Reddit scares me. I want to know what you learned about the labia.

How about this? This is a fun game. What did you learn about the labia? And as someone who has one, I can confirm or deny. Yeah, I ended up hooking up with this doctor, going to fucking Walt's roast beef. Are you gay or not i defrized i don't know yet okay we'll fight we'll figure it out by the end of the podcast i hope so man that'd be sick okay yeah i uh i hooked up with this uh this doctor once went right into uh roast beef

land dude little waltz roast beef visit and uh i'd never seen that before dude i've never i'd never seen a roast beef sandwich up close. You know what I'm saying? I do, unfortunately, know what you're saying. And I embraced it with open arms. I was listening to Creed in my head when I was going down. Oh, this whole white hole, huh? Tore it up, bro.

Absolutely tore it up. If you were hungry, you may have actually thought it was a real roast beef sandwich. That's what I was trying to think about. While you were... Yeah. Okay. Because I had always been with girls who were like innies. You know, there's like different types of vaginas. I think there's a chart online, by the way,

if you guys want to look into that. Can I pull it up? Yeah, sure. Okay, no, go ahead. I want to hear more about this. So she was a doctor with a roast beef vagina. Yeah. And then i ended up uh googling like is it normal to have like an extended labia or whatever and it is right yeah it's very natural yeah everyone surprisingly on reddit was like yeah man that's a beautiful thing so you okay i thought you found her on reddit no i'm not that that creepy, dude. Yeah, well, there's somebody.

You can find people on Reddit? I think the internet is limitless. So you think I went on Reddit and was like, I'm looking for a woman nearby? And then you're like, oh, shit. I thought this was Craigslist. You think highly of me, dude. It's how you set it up. You set it up like you found the woman on reddit but now i see that

you took to reddit to be like you understand like how creepy that would be right dude if i went on reddit and was like i'm looking for someone who's like five eight roast beef sandwich you know no the roast beef sandwich was accidental well that's what you get for going on reddit dude that that's like top tier for reddit everybody i mean i think everybody's on reddit there's if you google your name somebody reddit's like a dark hole that's like the one app platform i have an only fans and i'd rather do only fans than spend 15 minutes on reddit yeah holy shit what are you putting up my roast beef labia for real yeah how much you charging dude i keep a competitive pricing with Subway.

Yeah, you should try to compete with Arby's, dude. And Jersey Mike's. Each pick is like a different sandwich. Right. Depends on what you're in for. No, I do have an... I don't do anything crazy on there, but it's fun. Can you explain? I'm trying to like...

So no labia picks? You're like, can you explain? I'm trying to get off no labia pics you're like you're like can you explain i'm trying to get off can you come in and get in great detail show us what you put on there no i just um again again thinking highly of me dude you're like i don't have an imagination at all uh no i don't i won't do any like sex work or stuff, but I've done thirst traps. Okay. Things that are more... What is that? You don't know what a thirst trap is?

It would be like if that hot doctor that you fucked put up a really sexy photo of herself on Reddit with her labia out, I guess. Very sexually charged photos. Well, if it's a trap, though, I thought you didn't really show anything. It'd be like your labia with like a helmet on. Safety first. Always wear protection. No, they say it's a thirst trap

because you're trying to trap the person who is viewing it. I thought it was more of like you were trapping them mentally. That too. I thought you were playing trap music while you did it a little roast beef action with some uh some trap music that would be the sickest for sure trap duo ever if they went by thirst trap it's got to exist someone has to be doing that already if somebody hasn't done it yet you should do it dude i think you and i should do it play like the love so so remix you just whip out your labia dude yeah i'm wearing a helmet yeah we perform naked maybe maybe okay i would i would wear the polo but no

pants wait a minute if you have salami i'm sorry my adhd is like off the rails today if you have salami nipples and this doctor had a labia vagina do you think you just missed out on your soulmate yeah i think about her all the time you guys could have instead of have calling your house a home you could have called it a deli yeah no we could have fallen in love dude for sure he only fucked once yeah we hung out twice she doesn't live here though where'd she live in boston dude dude. Too far. Yeah, man. I think if we did fall in love, we'd live in the woods somewhere or something. I'd kind of just give up on everything and just be stuck with roast beef, man. You'd never go hungry.

Yeah. I pulled up the chart of labia. Guess how many types of labia there are. I've already seen the chart. Then you should know the answer. How many? It's on my wall, dude. Hey, that's sexist. Why don't you put it back here?

Just to balance out. You're right, dude. I wonder if they sell those. You should go to CVS, get like a big printout. Yeah. Somebody's picking up like photos of their family at a communion. I'm just picking up like this. You think the workers are allowed to look at like what you print?

I feel like they have to look at what you print in order to print it, right? You think they would call the cops or they just kind of let it fly? I think they would expect nothing less out of you. That's what I think. You got to like put some respect on my name. I respect you so much. I actually, I really do. Such a nice guy.

You are, you are. This is what women do. Like when a nice guy is in front of them. I know we, we push them away. I know. I know what you're feeling now. In what way? That was just like improv.

That was good. That was good though, right? Yes yes it was and i'm afraid no um visible inner lips small closed outer lips small open outer look at the chart and guess what my labia looks like okay Okay. You want to see the chart? Yeah. Which one is mine? You got to be honest though, right? Yeah, yeah. Would I lie to you? Probably, yeah.

No. I'm nothing if I'm not honest. All right, let me see the chart. Some would say I'm too honest. Long dangling inner lips. No. Okay. If I had to guess. Yeah. If I had had to guess i would say you're kind of like uh

kind of like a groundhog's day type vibe how'd you know just a guess man yeah like you're coming out every once in a while but yeah then you go back in you know what i'm saying like at first glance it's like an any but then once you once you get in there, it's like, all right, it's six more weeks of spring. You're actually not wrong, I think. I think that's a really good metaphor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mask as an innie, but then when I'm comfortable with him. You're like the grower version of like a dude, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I'm a grower, not a shower. Yeah. Yeah. But I still demand respect on my vagina. 100%, dude. I make them call it roast beef Ginsburg. Yeah. I'm a grower, not a shower. Yeah. Yeah. But I still demand respect on my vagina.

100%, dude. I make them call it roast beef Ginsburg. Yeah. I'm a big tits guy, but I respect the labia. Yeah. Well, yeah, the labia's over. I mean, yeah. I mean, it's not, it's one of those things that you don't appreciate for aesthetic.

You appreciate for function, I think. Yeah. Yeah. They don't have the groundhog on here, So I guess I'm not like other girls. Yeah. That's basically it. You're just like your own breed. Yeah.

You should reach out to like whoever made the chart. You guys are missing one. I should. I should be like under representation of my pussy. Sue them, dude. Yeah. Now you're giving me too much credit for having money for a lawyer. Yeah.

Yeah. Go get them, dude. Okay. I know you think I'm like a creepy guy or whatever, and that's fine, but... You think you're a creepy guy? No, no, you think I'm a creepy guy. No, I'm not. No, we're best friends right now.

No, I was going to... Now that we're talking about like tits and shit. Yeah. I was going to run something by you. Run it. Because I'm not really like talking to girls a lot. Okay. Just hypothetically, if you met like a dude and he was like pretty chill yeah you know chill dude yeah

we look we love a chill dude yeah cool guy yeah you know yeah super relaxed like you feel safe around him yeah and he was like yo is it cool if i like suck your titties down by the water jam out to like some classic rock and shit for like a half hour or so, and that's it, and then I just kind of head out, would you be down? Yeah. Yeah.

That's very nice of him. I consider it. That's what I'm saying to you. I don't see what's wrong with that. Yeah, that's a perfect first date. Because no one's doing that either. No one's just sucking on titties. Yeah, and all women always complain about is that guys don't like to plan dates and that they're not original.

And I mean, this guy thought this through. He seems passionate about it. He wants 30 minutes of quality time with me. Yeah. I feel like sucking titties really like brings out camaraderie. It brings out camaraderie. know brings out camaraderie it brings the boys together it brings the girls together if you will yeah yeah it definitely i mean it's very comforting for everybody it's like mother nature it's like you know yeah literally

and then if you get caught in the public park you're just like he's a little slow and he's breastfeeding exactly yeah 28 year old man yeah he needs his fucking milk well i don't know if milk would come out of my tits probably if we were in the park that's what i would say i would scream daddy needs his milk and then i would coddle you and pretend you're having a tantrum and you're embarrassing me yeah you get you give me a piggyback ride yeah yeah i go honey stop it yeah i mean if you're stop if you're doing shit like that and you get caught, you got to like do the craziest shit you can think of. You do. And then when you get caught, I think you just have to lie and say you were on psychedelic drugs to get off. Yeah. When realistically you were just being myself.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah. You ever get when people do really cringe or embarrassing things. And then when you're like, oh, were you drunk? And they're like, no, I was totally sober. And you're like, were you drunk or yeah and they're like no i was totally sober and you're like that's the wrong answer yeah like you should pretend to have been like inebriated out of your mind don't it's like my whole life dude yeah me too i'm a pretty sober guy but if i go to bars and shit people are like yo this guy's blacked out right now and you're like i've never touched alcohol in my life yeah have you never drank in your life no i'm drinking but yeah i'm a pretty sober guy okay a homosexual no i'm just kidding you're like i actually can't drink alcohol because after two drinks i start sucking dicks i don't care about the breasts down by the water with the lead zeppelin

start slurping dude yeah yeah i think everybody you know what i'm gonna make a blanket statement i think everybody's like a little gay after they're drunk. You kind of look like you've done some shit with girls. Yeah, I've eaten pussy. For real? Yeah. What was it like? More challenging than you would think.

Did you do the alphabet or did you kind of like dive in? I read her Miranda rights. Get it? Because Miranda was the gay one on Sex and the City. Anyways. You would think it would be easy. But as we saw, there's just so many types of labia. Not all of them are getting properly represented.

So I had a lot of anxiety when I got down there. Because I was like, I should know what I'm doing. Yeah, you guys always talk shit too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, about it. And it's like, but I will, I'll say this about eating pussy.

It's kind of like pizza and also sex. Like, I don't think I've ever had my pussy eaten and it was bad. It's always good. You have to go out of your way to make it bad. I think the general rule of thumb both ways is no teeth for either. So you could use a little

teeth on a girl. It's not the worst. Especially if she's got tender roast beef labia. Yeah, I would never do that, dude. Yeah. I think that's against the code. My experiences with women have been purely recreational. Were you sober when you were doing it? No, hell no.

What led to it? A little game like Twister or something? Yeah, boyfriends, exploring threesomes. Oh, shit. Yeah, I've never slept with a woman one-on-one. I'm actually very curious in doing it. I would want to do it. I think I'm bi-curious enough. it on the only fans dude yeah it'll make really good money yeah yeah

you can't do i don't i won't do that stuff on my only fans because they the shit leaks on there like all the time yeah yeah people are assholes so people are and show their assholes on there yeah yeah it's wild man um yeah so i do i gave i had a newfound respect for men and appreciation for men after i was very nervous i remember i got very drunk before this because i was like very i had i had more performance anxiety with a woman than i did because then it was also like like when i couldn't when i was nervous and if i couldn't make her come yeah and then my boyfriend can i, oh God, another thing that men are beating me at.

Yeah. I feel that. That's bad for feminism. I've never really felt that pressure though, dude. I feel like I've never felt that game seven pressure when I go down there. I just feel like I'm prepared. I'm prepared for this dude. Like, you know?

Yeah. I've been training my whole fucking life for this dude. Yeah. And it's just dude. Like, you know. Yeah. I've been training my whole fucking life for this, dude. Yeah. And it's just like time to, you know. You're like every time I ate a hoagie, I was preparing for it. Yeah. Every time I ate a taco. When I go, dude, when I go down on Chick, I just get flashbacks to all those nights at Arby's, dude.

How many nights at Arby's? Every night, dude. Yeah, Arby's fucks, man. Arby's dude how many nights at Arby's every night dude Arby's does fuck yeah out of all the fast food chains Arby's is uh Arby's fucks and Arby's sex position is reverse cowgirl yeah dude yeah yeah yeah for sure I couldn't agree more yeah what sex position would Wendy's be I'm not a big Wendy's guy. I'm more of a McDonald's guy. I like Wendy's. I've done a lot of bad shit at Wendy's, dude. Like what? I took a shit in one of their urinals, dude.

This would be a really good time for you to say you're drunk, like what I just said five minutes ago. This would be a really good time. I was drunk on life, dude. When I was in high school, dude, my friends and I, this was back when camaraderie was huge, man. It was just a bunch of football guys. Yeah, it's a dying art. Yeah. Me and two other dudes, you know, we were kind of like getting close with each other.

Had a little competition at Wendy's. Had a bunch of double cheeseburgers and like Frosties and stuff. And we all had to shit at the same time. It's amazing how fast men process food yeah i mean we're going like kobayashi dude just absolutely ham yeah and we all went to the bathroom at the same time and there was only two stalls so like both of my buddies got the stalls and i was like dude i'm about to shit in my fucking pants dude so i just uh i took a shit in the urinal dude and my friends were like dude you can took a shit in the urinal, dude.

And my friends were like, dude, you can't shit like in the urinal. And you're like, fucking watch me. I just did. Absolutely pain in the bowl, like blowing it up, you know? And dude, as I'm shitting, this old guy comes in with a child. And I immediately, didn't even wipe, dude. It's not like I'm going to wipe anyway, but. Yeah, I don't think that would have been something you would have done regardless yeah yeah i just like to stop like for the story like as an excuse yeah so i run outside and uh yeah my friends told me

that uh the little kid he was with was like daddy like there's poop in the urinal so i don't know what that kid's like right now but he's probably shooting up schools yeah i'm probably a reason for like a lot of those i think so and i also think that you're a life lesson to just release and not overthink things yeah i mean i don't know where else you get shit in that situation i aspire to be as comfortable in my skin as you are someday okay thank you dude that means a lot I actually really mean that In general and everything

Cool man Men are fucking wild I'm scratching my leg Scratching my labia It reaches all the way down through my pants You got hairy legs dude? No I shaved today But I am Italian So it'll be back in 20 minutes All the way down through my pants. You got hairy legs, dude? No, I shaved today.

But I am Italian, so it'll be back in 20 minutes. I really respect and I'm terrified by how men play truth or dare. Like, why? Everything, like, especially when men are growing up, all of your activities are centered around like it's very action oriented. It's very like who can get sick the fastest, who can eat the most of this bad thing. So you earn respect from the boys. Yeah. And I think you earn respect from the girls by like crying, I think.

Really? Yeah. Well, girls like emotionally dare each other. Like it's like, just do it. Just text him. Your ex who beat you. Who cares? Why do women hate each other so much?

Oh. Is it because of men? I feel like there's, like, a competition going on. Yeah. Yeah. I would say that's the common ground. I think it's because of men, and I also think it's, like, we have this idea that there's not enough to go around between all of us i don't have cock exactly that's the main problem i know

everybody was thinking i would say opportunity yeah money comedy spots experience no but we are actually all blindly starving for cock and we're so afraid that someone's gonna i've i've been afraid of that before i've been afraid like what happens to the cock supply in america and you uh you live in miami dude so there's like a lot of cock it's bad though it's very bad yeah yeah there's quantity there's not quality yeah i'm a big like a life in miami guy yeah you ever watch that dude no what's life like life in miami like no it's like a bang bus but it's like oh bang bros no it's not bang bros but it's like a it's like a porn genre because i guess like miami like porn's pretty big yeah it's just like its own yeah it's like

life in miami like it's strictly chicks from miami yeah and yeah dude they're all like super hot man it's pretty crazy how hot everyone is. Everyone looks AI generated. That's pretty weird. In Miami. And women, all the women have lip fillers and BBLs and implants. And I joke in my act that all the men look like characters from Grand Theft Auto. Yeah.

Yeah. Everyone looks like they should be in jail because they should be in jail. Yeah. You give jail. Yeah. So this life. Wait, no, go ahead. I have a lot of questions, though. No, I'm just like trying to get to know you a little bit. Yeah.

And you give off kind of like a motherly vibe, but also a vibe where like. Oh, my God. You're going to ask me if you could suck my tits down by the river while classic rock plays. Yeah. You give off like a motherly, like a nurturing vibe. Like I kind of feel safe around you, but I also feel a vibe with you where you're like into like some avatar looking dudes

who fucking like peel out in the middle of like four way intersections, cause like a six car pile up and you pretend to be upset about it, but you're like flash flood warnings. You know what I'm saying? That's how i feel about you right now sliding out of my chair just picturing it he just killed so many people

so many innocent people so reckless oh god um he's playing like uh like the love sosa remix too like really gassing it up yeah yeah you know i mean it's on repeat it's a remake it's remixed by my favorite techno act thirst trap roast beef remix dude roast beef remix um no um you're not wrong with that i think that guy was kind of my type growing up in Miami. I brought home a guy who was in a gang. Really? Yeah, because I was like naive and I didn't realize. What's that, MS-13s? Those are my boys, dude.

Yeah, he was in that. I could call one of my boys up right now. You're like, dude, are we Eskimo brothers? We fuck the same MS-13. Dude, how wet would you be if I called up like an MS-13 gang member, started speaking in fluent Spanish? Not wet. I would not be wet. No, that was, I've been in therapy, so I'm healed.

Oh, shit. You would have talked to me maybe like five, six years ago. I feel that. I would have been completely in heat. What was his name? Can you say? No, I'm not at liberty to say legally. Also mostly because I forgot.

But I met him at a Johnny Rockets at our local mall. What is that? I know what a Red Rocket is. Yeah. What's Johnny Rockets? And that's my second favorite category on Pornhub. You don't know

what a Johnny Rockets is? Is that like national fast food chain? Oh, it's fast food? Yeah. Never been, no. Okay. It's just, it's like a 1950s style fast food chain. This must be like down south then specifically.

I guess it is if you don't know about it. I didn't realize it was. What are they selling? Roast beef? No, I'm just kidding. Yeah. What are they selling? Behind the counter.

You know, with the Red Rockets and roast beef. Oh, that would be like a great bisexual sex party. Yeah. We're like, this is a think tank. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. This is a shark tank right now, dude. Yeah.

Mark Cuban. It was just like a 1950s style fast food chain. It had like milkshakes, burgers. It was pretty standard in terms of that. I remember they were one of the first to pioneer the half onion ring, half french fry. Okay. Yeah, so that was like a nice little thing. It was a very wholesome, family-oriented fast food chain.

They had jukeboxes. It was like 1950s happy days style and uh i met him there and i thought i was in love what were you doing there were you with uh just with friends doing derelict shit no just you know walking around forever 21 dude is that where you were looking for cock yeah johnny rockets yeah we told our moms that we were going shopping but i was like because like dude there is always like when you're younger there's always places you go of Johnny Rockets. Yeah. We told our moms that we were going shopping, but I was like, cause like, dude, there is always like when you're younger, there's always places you go when you're looking for titties, you know? Yeah. As a man, you're like, Oh, where are the titties at? Where the, like, it's pretty much, I feel like that's every man's motive

all the time. He's just like, where, where are breasts? Like, like tits are the North star for men. Like wherever there's tits, he's probably going to go. Yeah. What if he's an ass man though? It's all the same thing. It's like an FBI episode, you know, like those crime movies or crime shows where they have the chart like pulled up with the, with the pins and the strings. Yeah.

It's like, where are we hitting? Yeah. It's either tits or ass, but you have like your main hotspots. Yeah. Tits, ass and labia. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. It's a tits or ass, but you have like your main hotspots. Yeah, tits, ass, and labia. Yeah, okay. That makes sense.

Yeah, it's a good game. You know, it's like men objectify women like the game Operation. Like remember when you could just take individual body parts out and do what you wanted with them? That's kind of... Yeah, I was always hitting the sides, though. Getting electrocuted. I think the NREAL version of that would be STDs. The N life version of that.

You think so? I don't know. No, definitely not, dude. I wish. Because that would mean that I'm having, that would mean I was smashing, dude. Yeah, that is true. That is a little bit of a flex. Like when you go get a plan B as a girl or you get an STD test, it's like not to brag, but I'm fucking shredding out there. I'm fucking shredding turn it up i have a

kink okay um yeah i loved him and back to my johnny rockets lover and he had a he shaved his eyebrow which is like an unofficial gang like he had like the shaved eyebrow and he was covered in axe body spray he wore so much ax body spray that i he suffocates his victims i'm pretty sure do you remember what uh what flavor what uh scent no i blocked it out for trauma yeah that stuff's tough man i used to wear the chocolate one and it just there was a chocolate one yeah dude if you mix that with the scent of nutsack dude you could take out a small village that's every fucking locker room though yeah like i feel like every locker room is perpetually perpetually smells like nutsack yeah so you build camaraderie but you know no matter how clean your balls get your balls always

smell like balls there's nothing wrong with smelling like balls dude yeah you haven't been down there enough i've tried you've tried to go down there on your own balls to suck my own fucking nuts yeah is that like a thing do you guys actually try to do that i don't know marilyn manson got like right he got like his ribs removed no i would fucking slip a disc if i did that i'm not flexible i'm like i waddle when i walk i can't suck my own ass yeah if you could suck your own ass you wouldn't be doing comedy you'd be doing something much more respectable you'd be in the circus i'd be sucking my own ass that's what you'd be on only fans, you wouldn't be doing comedy. You'd be doing something much more respectable. You'd be in the circus. I'd be sucking my own ass. That's what I'd be doing.

You'd be on OnlyFans is what you'd be doing. I'd be alone. That's what I'd be doing. Yeah, because you wouldn't need anybody. I'd just be sucking my ass all day. Tearing it up. I'd have the cleanest ass ever, bro. You're like a cat.

You're just constantly self-grooming. They're like, he has a problem. He keeps sucking ass. And you're like, this is for hygiene. This is not for pleasure. It's a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle. I remember when you were in middle school.

Did you call it middle school? We called it middle school. Yeah. Some kids called it juvie. When the chinks stuck it up. No, we'll bleep that out. No, we won't. Yeah, yeah.

No, I don't think anything's getting bleeped out. Now, when the chicks, they stunk it up in gym class. Like, what was the protocol? Chicks didn't stink it up in gym class. You had no chicks that were going hard in gym class you know what I'm going to say something mean but it's just true the fat chicks what did it smell like if you could relate it to like anything

dirty like a bayside no it smelled like a it smelled like cold cuts that were left out in the sun how do you know what that smells like dude i grew up i was born in jersey just what the entire state of jersey smells like and no it smells like a an overcooked hot pocket it's another thing i've never experienced before

you put in a shot in a urinal but you've never left a hot pocket in the microwave for 20 seconds too long? Oh, so you put it in for too long and then took it out? Yeah. Or it's been left in there for too long? I think both have happened to me. I have ADD, so I've just forgotten. Okay. I'm trying to remember what it...

Because I've been to a lot of like... Bad gasoline, it kind of smells like. I love that smell, dude. I love regular gasoline. It's one of my favorites. How do you know when gas is bad you just don't like you just don't like how it smells yeah yeah you got issues you've gone you've gone to you've never gone to a gas station and you're like nah this ain't it never had that thought in my life every gas station a gas station could put like fucking piss in my car and i'd be like hell yeah dude how the fuck would i know you well

you'd make national news for that you'd be like hey take that environmentally friendly cars dude my neighbor was a guatemalan and his grandpa fucking siphoned gas out of his car with a hose was your neighbor i just want to say when you said he was a guatemalan i was like is he dead or he's just not anymore he transitioned i was about to say to what that woman you can't be guatemalan you have to like retire you can't be guatemalan and be a woman once you transition you can't be guatemalan anymore oh yeah they don't they probably don't accept a decision like that they're killing them that's actually really funny once you transition or come out of the closet you can't be italian anymore i'm pretty

sure yeah they'll kill you or hispanic yeah closet, you can't be Italian anymore. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. They'll kill you. Or Hispanic. Yeah. Yeah. No, they don't fuck around with that shit. Or just anybody, really, if you think about it.

The homophobia doesn't really discriminate. Even Hispanics, if you come out of the closet, they're going to threaten to kill you, dude. Who? Hispanics? Yeah, Hispanics. Yeah. Well, that's their love language. How many Latina gay dudes do you know?

Oh, a couple. Really? Yeah. Well, I mean, Miami's pretty liberal. Like, it's in a red, bloody state. The family still talk to them? Yes and no. Yes and no.

Yeah. Well, some of them have actually, well, they're actually the ones that don't answer their father's calls. So, like, the power's in their hands. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty interesting. I got heckled by a man i have a bit about the don't say gay bill in florida yeah and how i didn't like it and i didn't even get through the bit

like i barely did the setup and an old cuban man started screaming at me he was like you're making my kids gay that stupid bitch that's not what the bill's about you're ruining the country and i was like this is pretty gay i was like this is really gay of you like sit down get therapy i think you're gay um then you hooked up with him come on he's a gang member no um he is an older man aren't my type though so that wouldn't they are they're not they kind of well they are a little bit not that old though so what you're saying is you like money no i don't like money i just like a broken spirit okay you get a guy that's like had a divorce or a broken engagement yeah or just lived life like i'm, like when you start getting like mid-40s, I would say that's a sweet spot for dating.

For girls, I say. I tell all girls. I'm like, it's like that mid-40s, and if he looks good, you could even do like early 50s. They're tired, man. They just. They're broken, yeah. They're broken. I've been broken for so long, dude.

I'm just waiting for a MILF to knock on the door. You know what I'm saying? I know. I get it. man they just they just it's broken yeah they're broken i've been broken for so long dude just waiting for a milf to knock on the door you know what i'm saying i know i get it that's why you scream penis and throw pudding on the walls because that's her mating call and i'm just waiting for her yeah she's gonna come one day she's gonna come i don't think she's gonna look how you want her to look but it's gonna be my only option when she does come around and you know what settling is okay yeah yeah Settling is okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I think settling is okay. I mean, at that age, everyone looks like shit anyway, dude. So it's like, what does at that age, everyone looks like shit anyway.

So it's like, not everyone. Some people really naturally. Oh yeah. I don't really want a wife. Who's like eating fucking kale. You want a wife who's like getting down on lard and eating whatever she wants? No, I want her to be healthy,

but like still kind of chubby. Like she's trying, but she's like can't fucking... Lose the weight? Yeah, but she's trying. So you want to keep her down so you don't lose her? I want like a solid six, dude. Because I don't want to have that pressure. You know what, we don't talk about this enough.

I actually, I'm really on board with you about this. I don't, like, you know, do you really want a 10? Anybody, regardless of gender. Like, Do you really want a 10? Anybody. Regardless of gender. Do you really want a 10 or a 9? That's a lot of work. I've dated a 10 before, dude. It's a lot of work, man.

Can I see what they look like? No. She hates me, dude. That doesn't mean she doesn't exist. Oh, God. Did you kill her? Yeah. She's no longer with us.

Yeah. You're like, that's her. Have her trapped in mine. Upstairs. A little Ouija board type longer with us. Yeah. You're like, that's her. Have her trapped in mine. Upstairs. Do a little Ouija board type, you know. Yeah. Bring her back. Yeah, whip out some tarot cards.

She was a 10 back then. I don't know if she's a 10 anymore. But yeah, man, you're always just thinking about other dudes. Have I ever dated a 10? At least a 9 for sure. Me? No, you're like a four. Yeah.

No, I didn't mean Emma. Fuck you. Well, in Miami, it's quattro. It sounds a lot sexier. Yeah. I'm just trying to, you know what's funny? All of this is subjective. The middle is subjective.

Four, five, six, seven, and eight, subjective. If you're a one or a two or a nine or a ten, subjectivity goes out the window. People, it's like dicks, dick sizes. We only care if it's real small or real big. Anything else, it all blends together. It's only notable if it's, holy shit, that's going to give me a concussion. if it's holy shit that's going to give me a concussion or holy shit I've

fucked monopoly pieces that are bigger than that. Interesting. There's like a whole science to it. Oh yeah. There's a science to it. But I say that because I don't think I just that's a hot take. I don't think anybody really wants a 10 or a 9 or even an 8 because it's a lot to worry about.

Well they all just have like really shitty personalities yeah not maybe not all of them but often i mean wouldn't you like if we were you know both you know if we were born like rich rich and or just gorgeous like just i can't even put my mind i think about that sometimes i'm like if i was born rich would i act like these people do and i just can't like i don't really want to think about it because like it doesn't matter but also like I just like I couldn't even imagine a life like that yeah you're just like giving everything because like the more stressed out I am the funnier I am totally you were saying that you're getting you're feeling really good about comedy and now you're severely depressed yeah yeah so there's a direct correlation that has to be made yeah it's i what i say is it's

astounding to me that rich people and good-looking people or rich and good-looking people are such assholes because i'm like you've so much afforded to you yeah like if you come into money or you earned a lot of money you're really good looking and you're still this much of an asshole yeah it's like you don't know what it's like to listen to fucking celine dion and like a broken down oldsmobile you don't know what it's like to shit in a urinal on the side of wendy's because you lost a cheeseburger eating competition or just go to arby's every day you don't know what it's like to fall in love with the love of your life out of johnny rockets in miami florida and then you know he's in a gang and your mom won't let him date him. Like you don't get it.

Yeah. They just don't get it. They don't get it. So I just say, if that's how you are to people, when you've had every luxury afforded to you and every comfort given to you, like, then what's our excuse? Cause sometimes I want to be a bitch. And then when people are like, you're being a bitch, I'm like, well, that's, you know, I'm mad because I don't have bigger tits

all women are bitches dude no no that's like pretty normal I think there's levels to it but for sure I think bitch is a compliment for sure yeah no I like legitimately take it as a compliment yeah like anytime I've been called a bitch

I'm like thank you you're being raw, genuine. Yeah. You know. The British use the word cunt as a compliment. Like they call everybody a cunt. And it's like a term of endearment. Yeah.

You just got to find your level. Find your tribe. Find your tribe. Yeah. Find your chemistry, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, dude.

I've, uh, I always end up with like pretty bitchy women. I don't really mind it. Um. Can you, I'm just, I actually am know, dude. I always end up with pretty bitchy women. I don't really mind it. I actually am just genuinely curious. Can you explain something bitchy a woman did to you that you perceive as bitchy? Just being there. Just being present. I'm not kidding.

I've broken so many of my own personal morals by talking to you um i knew you were gonna say something like that like she won't let me fuck her she's such a bitch i'm not a bad guy like that no i get good guy vibes from you yeah i also i'm picking up intuitively. You're right. I can be very maternal, very intuitive. I think you're going to find the one very soon. So they've been telling me for like 20 years. Who's been telling you that? Everyone.

Everyone who comes on this podcast. It's like a general theme. That everyone thinks you're about to meet like the love of your life. Yeah. Anyone who listens to this podcast religiously, I think every episode, the guest will be like, dude, I think you're going to find the love of your life. Okay, so I'm a hack for saying that,

I guess. Yeah, you're pretty gay for saying that. But it's fine. Super bitch. Are you on the apps? Are you actively dating? No, dude, I'm spanking religiously. You know what that is jerking off yeah yeah everybody yeah everybody is yeah yeah i'm just being myself man

i feel like in your head you're kind like, that's why he's not getting pussy, you know? No. No. Yeah, man. I've never really met a woman where I could be myself around, except for when I was in high school. I was in love with that 10. We would launch potatoes with my potato gun and shit. Where did you go to high school?

In Rhode Island. Oh, okay. One of my Asian friends taught me how to build a potato launcher with pvc pipe and uh she was always down man to like do crazy shit you know like go launch potatoes like get stoned and just like play the what if game stuff like that the what if came like just like what if like at the existential discussion but yeah you just like it's like what if like you know? Yeah. This is really funny because it sounds like you met her in the Amish country. She really loved shooting potatoes and just having an existential conversation. No, I kidnapped her, dude.

Hot. Yeah. Yeah. I would love to be kidnapped. I'm tired. I would love to just be kidnapped. Yeah. Like in a van? Yeah, it's like a to just be kidnapped. Yeah. How so? Like in a van?

Yeah, it's like a weird kink thing. Like, put like a pillow cover over your face? Yeah, it feels relaxing. Yeah. Just, I'm tired, you know? Yeah. So you would just kind of like go, you'd be like casual about it? You'd kind of like fight back?

If he wanted me to fight back, I'd play into it. Well, why would I want you to fight back, dude? I'm kidnapping you. You don't want to? Well, maybe that's what I'm... Don't men like a challenge? That's true. That's true that's true yeah yeah that's what i'm saying you're a little suspenseful yeah maybe give you like a head start it's not fun if like could you imagine could you imagine if you you kidnap her and she's like just do it just kill me and then you're like

oh it's not fun now yeah like oh yeah drop her off dude yeah push back a little bit um no i'm kidding i don't want to be kidnapped that's fine no you're not kidding dude it's fine though we're all a little weird you know yeah so i've noticed about women they're like oh i'm kidding it's like no you're not yeah that's right we need to like sit in that a little bit more i don't think women are allowed to be as gross as men are and we're pretty i mean i know like i'm pretty gross i'm pretty like sexually gross and crass. Like me and my, like me and all my girlfriends,

whenever like we like have like a, an inside joke, like whenever we're sleeping with somebody or seeing someone, we're like, I'm trying to get it in. Like we're always like, like we use like dude lingo. When's the last time you felt like intimacy,

like a little gay? No, like seriously, that one's the last time you like felt something dude. With else or with myself with myself four hours ago a lot of chicks are like yo i was fucking this dude like no one's ever like yeah i was making love last night sucking titties and fucking feeling shit down by the river yeah yeah so when was the last time i had intimate like i had intimacy with the man last time you felt like you were in like a taylor swift song i've never felt that.

Not once in my life. Yeah. And I'm grateful for that. Yeah. You're about to feel it, dude. I'm going to fucking peel out after this. Yeah. Fucking hell yeah.

Yeah. I hate Taylor Swift. Oh really? I've never had a moment in my life that has been like Taylor Swift. Yeah. And I feel okay about that. I'm not like, I think people would look at me like a small white woman named britney brave of the whitest name in the world they would think that i

idolized taylor swift yeah i'm kind of i'm kind of gay dude like uh i fuck with intimacy man you know i want to like feel shit like i don't want to just fucking airbag dude you know what i mean oh yeah i think i don't think that makes you gay i think that makes you super super normal no it makes me gay dude but i'm not afraid to admit it man you know i like uh just like sucking titties and like whispering gay shit to chicks like what that i'm gay like whispering like you come out of the closet as you're sucking their tits yeah like i'm sucking her titties and then i whisper in her ear i'm like i'm gay i feel like a psychologist right now you know what's funny about you saying That intimacy is gay

All the gay men that I know Fuck way more than anybody else does Sans any kind of intimacy They don't have intimate sex So it's funny that you're like I like intimacy And I like intimate stuff Cause I'm gay

It's hard to be intimate when you're doing anal dude intimacy and i like intimate stuff it's hard to be hard to be intimate when you're doing anal dude yeah it's just too rough yeah it's like it's too there's just the semantics it's like a slip and slide versus like a rock climbing uh adventure yeah that's my whole thing with anal i'm just like it's a lot like why why it's just a lot before during and after yeah you can get a lot done with just like a missionary and just saying like gay shit. Yeah. No, that's classic.

That's actually over, it's underrated, underrated. But I say that you're like, oh, I like intimate stuff because I'm really gay. But like, if you knew, I'd have a lot of gay men in my life. You fucked up with a lot of gay men? No, I wish. I've been in love with almost every gay man that I've met because we had so much in common. And they're so well-groomed and beautiful.

And I feel safe around them. And that's usually, those three things are the biggest signs of it on my gaydar. I'm like, oh, he's not straight. That's why all of these things are lining up. But I'm in love with them. And I would turn a handful of my male gay friends if I could. I can't. They're fully gay.

You don't think you'd turn them back? If you tried really hard? Turn them back to... I've always wondered if those dudes would get hard, though. Because that doesn't make sense. I mean, listen, I'm not... I think that's where sexuality is a spectrum. So you don't think they'd be fully erect? You think they'd just be kind of chubbed up a little bit? I think it's where sexuality is a spectrum So you don't think they'd be like

Fully erect you think they'd just be kind of like chubbed up A little bit I think it depends on who I think it depends on who it is I think if they're further on the spectrum Towards being fully gay Just seeing a woman naked No matter what the body type is Probably wouldn't work

And then I think that but then I think like I mean It's like a happy ending right if somebody's just if there's stimuli there and somebody's just doing the right things that's just a physical response it's interesting yeah for me when I get naked in front of gay men they do get turned on because I resemble a little boy

but not really you just said I was a four twenty minutes ago I was just kidding I didn't mean to hurt your feelings okay I mean you hurt my feelings like six times I did not not really you just thought i was a 4 20 minutes ago i was just kidding don't even hear your feelings okay i mean you hurt my feelings like six times i did not i'm sorry you told me i look like a serial killer dude you don't look like a serial killer you speak like a serial killer okay it's the lack of emotion and intonation in your voice maybe i'm just fucking calm dude as you drink your monster energies there's a storm inside of me right now.

As long as you feel safe, bro. I do feel safe. I actually feel very, you're like, you lowered my blood pressure. Like if someone came in here right now, dude, I'd fucking pull my pants down for you. Protect us. There's other ways to have done this. That's the best way. That's really funny of a guy.

He's like, why did you whip your throbbing cock out? We were in danger. He's like, why are you hard? Why are you hard? Because we're in danger. That would suck if he killed me too. Yeah, then you're just dead with an erect dick. Yeah, and you saw the whole thing happen.

Yeah. Oh, my God. He's doing some crazy shit. This might work. And then I just whole thing happen. Yeah. Oh, my God. You were like, oh, my God, he's doing, like, some, like, crazy shit. Like, this might work. And then, like, I just get, like, beheaded. Yeah. But then you'd get kidnapped, dude, and then your dreams would come true. That could be it.

Yeah. I think that might get you going more than anything. Yeah, that really would. Quick little, like, crucifixion to start off the kidnapping. Oh, I like that. That's so Catholic. That's really kinky for me. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to be kidnapped. I want to be crucified. Yeah, I have, like, weird thoughts, man. I'm 33. That's really kinky for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to be kidnapped. I want to be crucified. Yeah. I have like weird thoughts, man. I'm 33. It's my Jesus year.

Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah. I, uh, cause women are always like, you know, you're probably gonna hate me saying this, but it's like every girl I like meet is kind of like, well, I don't really meet a lot of girls, but. I meet a lot of women. Um, no, it's just like hard to uh where do i put this man

i don't really know i don't know women because like uh you know like women take like birth control a lot of them drink a lot of them smoke and then like all the emotions of being a woman it's like hard to get to know a woman i think it takes a lot of time you know what i'm saying yeah um so that's like my issue i take a very long time to like get to know someone yeah like you know if we get to know each other maybe you'll be able to see me scream penis in public soon that's something that i would need to get to know you to do yeah because you oh i thought you were i would need to feel comfortable enough to do it in a public area i like that it's a matter of your comfort and not my comfort that's phenomenal yeah yeah no you would

if that doesn't explain gender dynamics in america i don't know what does yeah yeah you're like i don't feel comfortable enough to have an absolute manic episode and throw pudding at the wall with my erect penis and yellow penis on my well queen's neighborhood this is the thing though women are always like why can't you just be yourself and then when i'm myself they're like you know if you could just go back to like that other thing you were doing oh got it you know what i'm saying okay got it so you haven't really been able to let your guard down with the woman yeah and you blame it on birth control no i'm not blaming anything oh okay there's no i'm not blaming it i'm fucking an independent man dude i fucking yes you are i don't need anyone dude yes you are i'm just saying it's it takes time to get to know someone because

i could meet you at a bar when you're hammered and be like i'm in love with this chick and then the next day you're like yeah i was just hammered and be like, I'm in love with this chick. And then the next day you're like, yeah, I was just hammered. And I'm like, oh. Anybody can do that, though. Yeah, but that's what most people do. That's like 90% of how people. Yeah, most people don't even have sober sex. Yeah.

So it's like I'm trying to get to know some roast beef sandwiches raw. I think you're going to meet the love of your life. You know, but I'm saying. Yeah. I'm saying, though, I just have like weird, weird thoughts, dude, where it's like, these women, they want, like, stimulation. You know, they want, like, dopamine and stuff. And we were talking about, like, peeling out and shit. But, like, I think it would be funny to, like, if we were in the car together or something, if we were listening to, like, The Fray or something and I peeled out.

The Fray? Yeah. How to save aay? Yeah. How to Save a Life? Yeah. And then I peeled out in a four-way intersection and I have like a shitty Honda Accord. Yeah. You know how fucking funny that would be? If I kept a straight face.

Like, dude, that would be hilarious. I hate that that made me laugh. But, like, to me, that's fucking hilarious, dude. It's way funnier because it's like when people peel out in Miami, it's a bad bunny. And you're peeling out to, like, Sarah McLachlan. Yeah. It would be fucking sick, dude. That would be a fitting way for us

to wrap this podcast. We'd just go out and peel out on your Honda Accord. I have a GoPro. We might be able to put that on. I don't know who would videotape it. It's 2024. There's influencers everywhere. That's my neighbor, dude. He's Hispanic. Oh, nice. He's used to doing that shit. Yeah, peeling out.

No, people peel out around here like regularly, dude. Do they really? It's fucking wild. Out in Queens? I thought Queens was like civilized and quiet. Right in the middle of the road, dude. People are absolutely shredding it, gassing it up. I guess that makes sense.

My parents live in a really suburban area of Miami and they're like fucking, they drive like drag racers. That's where you need to do it. Yeah, well, because you're bored bored that's what i think that is i think that's why like a lot of crime and drug use and i.e peeling out happens in these like suburban areas because people are ready to lose their minds well i i used to think peeling out was to like get pussy but i actually have a bit where uh peeling out is actually the street term for circumcision i always thought dudes peeled out because they thought like there was titties around like bitches like they would peel out and then

bitches would be like oh my god that's so fucking hot but it's like you're not gonna see that at like a fucking stop and shop parking lot so it's like confusing it's like dude you gotta pick the right place yeah well everything is time and place yeah yeah gotta know your audience yeah i used to have a bit where it's like uh i think uh i think dudes who peel out in like applebee's parking lots i think it's like uh i feel like every engine rev is just like trauma oh for sure vroom vroom dad never came home yeah it's like it's not that small. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Right, vroom, vroom. It goes back to the penis size thing. Yeah, vroom, vroom. I'm five and a half inches while hard. That's pretty big. That is pretty big, actually. I feel like it's average size. Maybe I've just had a lot of big dicks.

Yeah. Maybe Miami is packing. Probably do. Five and a half. what age did you first measure your dick because dudes do this maybe in high school okay that's probably i was probably on a reddit thread dude yeah probably probably just trying to see what i was packing yeah i think i had a girlfriend at the time and i was just like dude what are we dealing with right now and uh yeah it was like two and a half the time and I was just like, dude, what are we dealing with right now?

And, uh, yeah, it was like two and a half inches hard. And I was like, let's fucking go. I was like, let's fucking get it. Let's fucking go. I like pushed it down too. Yeah. Yeah. I gave myself like extra half inch. This was right after you peeled out in an Applebee's parking lot.

Yeah. I was fully erect. Yeah. It was right after the peel out. So I was like fully erect. Yeah. Do you think like when people murder people, like like men murder people do you think they have erections even if i've never looked into it but i've seen the domer uh stuff all right

at least for like a fear boner maybe right like the blood flow the excitement of it all the thrill i don't know man i get turned on by like chivalry and shit. So I don't know. You really? Oh, wow. You're soft. I'm very soft. Yeah. Don't say that, though. I can't be doing this. Yeah, that's an unofficial statement.

I'm soft, dude, but I would like. You like missionary. You said you like whispering sweet things. You keep saying. Just a little gay boy, dude. But if push comes to shove, dude, I'll fucking throw a haymaker at myself i would never hurt somebody that's how considerate i am i'll fucking i'll fucking knock myself out dude i'll give a fuck that's very self-serving of you yeah yeah self-sacrificing i'm sorry self-sacrificing

i think being soft shows strength you You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. Like I'm not afraid to fucking jump up and down. I like that you go in between. I love this about you. Okay. That you're like bitches, some gay, titty fucking, Applebee's. In that order, dude.

Yeah. Whipping my penis out with pudding. Fucking women are bitches. And then like in the same breath, you're like, softness is the real sign of strength. You have layers. Well, I mean like, yeah, I love talking about titties and shit, but I'm not like, every man aspires to soft titties. Are you the most evolved man I've ever met?

Maybe. I think so. From like another dimension, dude. I apparently. There's no shit that you don't know, man. You know? Yeah. Yeah, you are very like, I'm the same way. It's all on the table. you don't know man you know yeah yeah you are very like i'm the

same way it's all on the table i don't really like hide i think that's stupid yeah whenever like i go on podcasts and people are like is there anything we can't talk about i'm like my whole life nothing you know what i mean yeah you probably have that side you though where like you get uh emotionally unstable though which is probably pretty scary, right? That I'm emotionally unstable? Like when you are, like what happens? I can be. I can get, I can get a little like manic, but I usually don't take it. I guess this is like the bad, well, good thing.

Usually I don't take it out on people. I take it out on myself. I just like internally spiral and like don't take care of myself for a couple days. But like. I guess I do take it out on like some of my closest friends get the brunt of it. So like if I see you in like a few weeks or something, I'm like, yo, BB, what up? You're going to be like, what's up? Yeah.

Unless I'm feeling emotionally unstable. That's interesting. Then I'm going to shake my labia and throw pudding at you or something. I've actually met people on the pod and I'll see them in person or something and be like, yo, what's up, dude? And they like kind of act like they don't know me. I'm like, oh damn, dude.

It's a cruel world, bro. Yeah. They like used you for your platform and now they're just, I think a lot of people are more transactional than we wish to admit. Yeah. trying to be intimate dude you know yeah trying to bring it back man yeah i i think it needs to be brought back yeah i had a guy that i was sleeping with he's an ex and we hook up from time to time and he's hands down probably one of the most toxic people yeah you know but she gives you that like dopamine rush you need yeah it's great sex as far as he's probably pretty close to a 10 on my roster but for a period of time he broke things off with me because he was like this isn't healthy

and i was like that's like really funny how like everyone like it just reminded me of society how everyone like fucks but doesn't open up. Yeah. Like intimacy is the gross thing. So he was like, this isn't healthy. I don't think we should do this anymore. And I was like, you ate my ass last week. Like since when are you concerned with healthy? He would rather catch Giardia than catch feelings. He was probably lying.

He probably wasn't being real. No, he wasn't. He a thousand percent was lying and had like a girlfriend. He had started dating somebody and just didn't want it. Yeah, that's what dudes say to like get away. Oh, totally. Not trying to be a dick. I mean, he came back.

We fucked like 15 times since then again. Yeah, but he's trying to like avoid like a relationship with you. Yeah, it's all. Oh, I know. He probably feels it though, dude. He's probably trying to run from those feelings. Do men really do that? I think so, yeah.

I think so yeah i think so too but i needed to get it i needed to get confirmation from the straightest man i've ever met yeah no i'm running too man like if i feel stuff i'm like running away i'm more passionate about like dicks and farts and shit and titties than i am oh that's a hell of a lot lighter than loving someone comics like at the end of the day we're all just thinking about fucked up shit yeah and we care about that more than like a relationship and like building a family and stuff yeah it's actually kind of crazy we're sick dude when i wasn't doing comedy i had my shit sewed together i had like a corporate job as a publicist i had like a nine to five my money was right i was so

fucking well adjusted yeah and now i'm like the happiest i've ever been i'm a full-time comic yeah but like i worked in corporate america and now i'm just like broke just jerking off playing xbox spanking it i like spanking it yeah i'm just spanking dude playing xbox and just talking about like dicks and balls and shit and i've never been happier you've got a studio you've got this is great you've got an adorable dog i've never been happier man you know yeah isn't it interesting that's what I mean. Where I'm like on paper right now, there's a lot of things that I would change about my life, but I feel the most like free.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. That's why feelings are scary, dude. Yeah. Could lose a lot of that shit. Yeah. I was always mad at dudes for running from their feelings until I fucked up a relationship

with somebody last year. We were seeing each other dating, maybe not fully a relationship, but, and I fucked it up because I was the one who was like shit scared. Yeah. And I completely like shoved him away, set it on fire, self-sabotaged it. Did it feel good? No, it felt awful. I was in a chronic state of depression for the better part of last year.

And I just saw him in Miami for the first time. He was in the crowd at a show that I was at that he didn't know I was going to be at. Yeah. And I cried in the bathroom. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow, dude. I actually saw my ex in like a four-way intersection recently on the way to a mic.

I've never felt more free in my life. I wanted to give her one of these. Yeah. You're like, ironically, that's also what I did, what I to give her one of these you're like ironically that's also what i did what i would give her after she's i'm like you take the plan b sick yeah some of the yeah some of the boys told me she's in like a relationship now she a comic no no um but yeah that would have been sick to like see you mine is in a relationship too he was in the crowd with his girlfriend oh shit this granola yoga ass bitch

damn dude see I don't feel like sadness when I see that stuff I feel like a sense of freedom I'm playing fucking free bird walking down the road on the way to a mic yeah you know yeah so you metaphorically and literally are moving forward with your life

as you pass her and leave her behind. Yeah, I'm like, fuck that guy, dude. I'm gayer. And that's exactly why she left me. It's been an hour, though, dude. You got to head out. I do. I got to go to Brooklyn.

This was great. Yeah, it was good to meet you, man, for the first time. I still am convinced that we met at a mic. I used to live in Queens back when I was living in New York in a store. I was at QED all the time. Yeah, I've only lived here for two years, man. You wouldn't have met me. Where were you before?

Boston and then Rhode Island. Oh, so you're from Boston. You're from that area? Okay. I love Rhode Island. That place is gorgeous. Yeah. Newport doesn't feel real. Yeah. Very nice. Rhode Island's Okay. I love Rhode Island. That place is gorgeous. Yeah. Newport doesn't feel real.

Yeah. Very nice. Rhode Island's nice, man. But everyone feels like they're in a better genetic pool over there. Like I looked around at Newport and everyone's so rich and everything's so perfect and picturesque. I was like, well, these people have better DNA than me. It's a quiet place, man. Yeah.

For sure. Yeah. Really good place to die. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, it was good to good place to die. Yeah. Yeah. It's good to meet you, man. Likewise, dude. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

You're delightful. No, dude, you can't hurt me. There's that toxic masculinity. Now, do you have anything coming up that you want to promote? This is coming out this week. For the boys. Probably tomorrow, dude. Yeah.

Promote for the boys. I have a groundhog labia. Yeah's the uh what's the only only fans is it under my name britney brave i don't really do it that much anymore because men every every dude listening is gonna look that up oh good yeah pay me yeah it's fine i think they're gonna be disappointed i have fun on there but i'm not doing like, you know, it's crazy. Men will send you $1 and they'll be like, baby, please let me see butthole. Oh, shit. I'm like for $1, like at least $2.50, you know. I'm kidding.

What's that like a Big Mac? No, it's not. Yeah. Like it can't be like on the snack meal. The pricing can't be on the snack meal. You get like a dollar cheeseburger for that or like a slice of pizza. Could you imagine that he thinks that my asshole is worth the same amount of. slice of pizza of a slice of pizza in the lower east side i don't know but then again he probably thinks well she'll go for it because she has low self-respect she's on only

fans yeah but that's not it's empowering as hell it's been very fun and it's i've paid off a lot of credit card debt thanks to men so how's that for fighting capitalism and sexism and catholic trauma all at the same time i'm a triple threat whatever makes you happy man no i let me be clear i'm not happy i'm fucking miserable i'm kidding yeah say hi britney brave on only fans or instagram You have anything coming up or no? Well, I have my New York Comedy Fest show in like two days, but I don't think they'll hear it in time for that. So I'm on the road.

I'm on the road. They just follow you pretty much. If you're in South Florida, I have a big show on the 23rd of November at the Arsh Center, but I don't know how many Miami listeners you have. Who knows, man? You never know. You're like, we haven't even been recording this whole time. I'm putting this on Reddit and just hoping for the best.

I'm on the pillow cover right now. Let's send this girl off the way she wants. Yeah. Thank you for coming. Thanks for having me. Thank you guys for listening. wants yeah um you do thank you for coming uh thank you guys for listening i just filmed a uh a new series called comedians who golf and i'm not sure how much i'm gonna do with that how often i'm gonna do it but i just put up that video if you guys want to check it out it should be fun

not that it relates to you but i'll check it out comediansedians who golf. I do not golf. Yeah. I think it's painfully boring. Yeah. But yeah, check that out. Thank you guys for listening, as always.