The Johnny Salami Podcast - Bryan Vogt-Nilsen

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

Bryan Vogt-Nilsen by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. What gets you in the zone, dude? What gets me in the zone? What gets you fired up?

It used to be fucking uh like kobe bryant like wow compilations you know like highlight tapes it used to be highlight tapes and then it transferred into like him speaking of like excellence and how excellence is like every single day and i used to i used to do it for me for a little bit but uh no i don't really know dude i feel like i used to get more fired do you get fired up a lot yeah dude i used to watch fucking lebron james fucking that song we fly high by jim jones the remix was playing it was the remix dude so that would get you yeah it would just be like ball in and, like, doing a windmill dunk. Going all the way back?

Dude. All the way back. Then I would go outside and just put up shots for, like, three hours, dude. Dude, that's, I fucking, bro, I've watched, like, tapes and stuff like that where I'm, like, okay, I need to get good at basketball. I was, like, at my frat house. I remember, like, at my frat house just being in the backyard, just putting up shots at 2 a.m. My boys were pulling in from the club being like, bro, what are you doing?

Dude, I used to shovel the snow in the winter just to shoot around, like in the road. My hoop was in the road. It was like a Walmart fucking hoop. Dude, I would shovel the road, man. just to work on your left yeah dude dude i would just dribble with my left hand for like two hours i can't do it anymore i like i i don't know about you but like i get fucking um if uh if i'm i hate being like the weak link you know what i mean like i hate sucking and like i always worry if like i play five on five or like two on three i'm gonna be everyone's just gonna be like yo fuck this guy dude like he

can't do anything you're that bad uh i don't know if i'm that bad i'm just like like really um dude i'm like hard on myself bro this is funny i fucking the last time i played pickup basketball honestly was um i was with my buddies and uh um i just got a new ball okay i just got a new ball and i had like a pump too my dad gave me the pump and i was so psyched i was like yo how'd you know and fucking this is so bad bro my, he's like very good at basketball. And he's like, he's like, yo, let's just play fucking five on five, pick a ball. I'm like, all right. And I'm telling him, I'm like, dude, I don't really want to go. And I'm not telling him because I'm scared. I'm just like, nah, bro. Like, you know, I just got my ball. I don't

want to get ruined. You know? And he's like, dude be fine we go there okay I already feel like the weak link we go there and there's a game going on and they're like yeah we just need one more so my boy's like bro just sit on the floor you'll be fine we'll get you back in so i'm just sitting there like an idiot and i'm like to like buy time i'm like let me just like pump my ball up so i'm sitting there like kind of cross legs because i can't even do cross legs anymore and i'm pumping my ball and i just like break the needle like into the ball have you ever done that before yeah and so i didn't realize that meant the ball was done i was just like shaking And I was like okay it's just like a maraca

Or whatever you know A giant maraca Was it like a Walmart ball or No it was Wilson I don't know do they sell Yes dirt I didn't mean like Walmart Like WNBA ball

That would be sick dude if they had a fucking NBA ball That said Walmart on it dude I would fuckinga that would be sick dude they had a fucking nba ball that said walmart on it dude i would fucking buy that in a second bro we got so bad though because um i don't remember i think i ended up getting in the game at some point and like i think i hit one floater and i was like all right that was nice yeah i mean dude if you can play lockdown d man and just be a team player yeah you'll get respect that's how i did soccer um and then uh huh gay yeah yeah i was waiting for you to say bro dude fucking is so funny i uh so i lose my ball all right i just remember this i lost my ball i couldn't find it and so i'm like looking around i'm like dude did someone steal my fucking ball because i'm in like a nice gymnasium at uh this

is at my college and uh and i look over and there's just like on the right side there's just like a five on five with like a bunch of black people and in my mind i'm like bro please don't tell me these guys stole my ball so then i was like i like went around the whole gymnasium and i was like looking under like every nook and crevice and I couldn't find my ball. So then I go to where these guys are playing and I can see literally my ball under one of their backpacks. Because there's just like a shit ton of backpacks and I can see my ball. Like I see Wilson. I'm like, bro, that's my fucking ball.

And I don't know. I don't know what to do because I'm like, do I tell these people, you know, like because they're playing basketball. Do I just go, bro, that's my fucking ball. And I don't know what to do because I'm like, do I tell these people? Because they're playing basketball. Do I just go, hey, guys, time. I'm like, yo, can I talk to you guys real quick? So in my mind, I'm like, all right, I'm just going to fucking – I'm like, I'm just going to grab it, you know. And then I'm like, hopefully – because in my mind, I like all right i'm just gonna fucking i'm like i'm just gonna grab it you know and then i'm like hopefully because in my mind i'm like okay yeah they'll see me grab me i'll

be like all right yep that's his ball it's fine so i just go in grab the ball and i start walking away and they all they're like yo yo yo what the fuck are you doing and i'm like guys uh look i don't you know i'm not trying to be the but i'm like dude you guys took my fucking ball you know like this is my ball and they're like nah dude that that's our ball and then i remembered i like broke my needle in the ball so i was like no dude it's mine look and then i shake the ball and there's no rattle like there's no needle in the ball so i was like no dude it's mine look and then i shake the ball and there's no rattle like there's no needle in it at all so you're just stealing people's fucking balls so i just fully was like yo you black fools fully stole my ball and then i was like no look and then i shook it and it wasn't and i was like oh i was

like i'm so sorry and they're all laughing too because they're like bro you fully just like racially profiled us and for sure we had a good laugh about it i was like this guy's racist as fuck dude you know it hurt bro i was so sad yeah dude you fucking huh yeah i remember dude uh one time i was like i was running on the track that's what i used to do man fucking dude my knee drive was insane like i was running on the track that's what i used to do man fucking dude my knee drive was insane dude i was shred what's the knee drive like when you're running dude you're like fucking pumping your arms oh okay knees up dude like a fucking would you do like this you ever do this with your hand or like that um i pretend i'm like holding like uh like a clit a clit yeah but dude i remember i was running and uh so there's a basketball court

next to the track and one of my boys was like yo man we need a fifth like yo jay dog roll through i was like all right man i hadn't played in a while so i go over man we're playing like a bunch of fucking like nasty dudes you know what i'm saying like they're crossing people up and stuff sham gods dude i was feeling super confident man i was like i was like yeah let me bring the ball up oh dude i'm legit wearing a polo like this dude and like fucking asics i could like barely bring the ball up and uh dude i tried doing a no look pass i was literally looking like three o'clock tried throwing it at like

fucking dude i tried doing a no look pass you went 645 with like a baseball dude i threw it as hard as i could like a baseball dude without looking and i just hit the dude who was playing defense on me in the head i just started laughing my ass off dude did you guys win or no no dude we got fucked up man but it was so confusing for everyone involved because like it was so fucking aggressive, dude. I'm just like, I thought it was going to, I thought I was going to dish it to the center. Dude, no look. And everyone's going to be like, oh shit. Jay dogs in the house.

Yo, this guy's fucking retarded. Did you hit him with the three, four, five when you're walking up? I dribbled it up with my left hand and then I was like, three, three, three. Yeah. High, low, high, low. That's so sketchy, man. That's funny, dude. Oh, yeah.

It's awkward, though, you know? Yeah, dude. That's why I'm... You just want to fit in, man. You just want to ball out and be like one of the boys yeah dude fucking um on on the soccer team because uh i used to be i used to be pretty good at soccer and then uh i was like i would play forward and i would like score goals it was like oh wow it meant a lot like it was a lot of like me you know it's in like high school no this was no this is when i was like fucking eight or something

like that yeah but i was nice you know i was like really fast and i had confidence on the ball and uh and i fucking i think it was seventh grade so i'm like 13 or something like that i'm pumped it's like a new team i'm pumped to be like playing forward or center mid like being the offense and then my buddy was on the team and we didn't have a goalie at the time. So my boy just tells the coach that, like, I'm a very good goalie. Yeah. Because I could play goalie. Like, I was all right with it.

And then I show up, and the coach is like, oh, Brian, I hear you're a terrific goalie. Yeah. And I'm like, nah, man. I'm like, I'm actually a really good forward. You know, I score goals. Like, I can really help this team out and fucking uh and i i played goalie the entire season like i didn't get a single fucking wow i didn't get a minute on the pitch and goalie was so humor because like i'm like really hard on

myself you know so like we were so bad so people would always fucking score on us and i would get so mad every time someone scored i would punch the goal post as hard as i could and then i would scream fuck like at like eight years old it's so bad it's so funny because i was just thinking like my mom so like because we were like going through hard times back then and like my mom like i'm just thinking like her with like all the like other parents and they're like so how's brian doing she's like oh he's doing really well you know like he's like fuck dude you know what's weird man is like my uh my neighbor he's a Guatemalan he fucking used to be like super passionate about soccer man and I would go to like his his games and there was a kid on his team

that would lose his fucking shit like if I just scored he would just start fighting kids and like screaming profanities this is like a like a town game like this isn't even like school like it's like just for the town oh it's literally just like you showing up and i was like oh dude this kid's insane like he's like shit talking his parents he's like shut the fuck up shut up mom what i noticed dude is like he grew up to be a really good athlete you know you know what's he doing now dude he like almost he did like an nfl tryout and shit like he made the combine yeah like he made a tryout for an nfl team like nasty so you kind of like back then you were like what the fuck but dude you know years later man they got that fucking that fire in him

dude that's what it takes yeah i had to really turn the the sizzle down i used to get mad a lot whenever i lost. Like, if I played it, there would be times where, like, I'd have buddies. We'd always hang out and play 2K. And I was always really nice. Like, it was known throughout the friend group that I was the best on the sticks. And I remember losing one game, like, off a buzzer beater or something like that and freaking out. Holy shit. Like, literally being like, fuck you, fuck everyone here. Like, fuck this game. Like Xbox? one game like off a buzzer beater or something like that and freaking out holy shit like literally

being like fuck you fuck everyone here like fuck this game like xbox yeah yeah it was 360 it wasn't even xbox one it was just 360 and then uh and like every it was like awkward it was like very sad we had to like yeah we couldn't play video games for like an hour or two and then we smoked a little weed i was like you might think that's funny dude but that's like my life man you know i'm saying you're still on that yeah sometimes dude i'll come in like second and like a game of warzone dude and i'll get like legitimately emotional dude you know what i mean dude warzone's fucked i played that game for fourth of july because i just remember being hammered for fourth of july during the pandemic yeah and they like had some promo for war zone and so i was like okay word and i just remember playing the game and being like

yo this game fucking reeks nah dude get off get off the podcast right now man dude that's my life man that was the night that was the night kanye uh ran for president or announced his presidency and i like blacked out playing war zone at my mom's place and then i woke up and was like yo dude is connie about to be our next president that's pretty clean yeah that's my life man that's you know that's no joke yeah but i remember dude uh i was in like a really big boys and girls club game you, I was probably like 12 or 13, dude. And, like, my whole family was there. And it's a close game, dude.

Like, two-point game. They inbound the ball to me to bring it up the court. Yeah, that's your thing. And I shot a three-pointer, dude, in our own hoop. All net. Dude, they stopped the game, gave the other team three points, and then they just took me out of the game, dude. That's true? You really did that?

Swore on my life, dude. I, like, wrote a post about it on Facebook. Dude, my mom commented. She was like, oh, man, I remember that. That was fucking traumatic what was the post you're just like yo my bad team it was a picture of me like the the photos they take for like the boys and girls club for basketball because it's like a funny like so i was fat dude so i was like a funny picture of me and i just like wrote about like what

happened my mom was like what did you think Did you think you're really hitting that three? That's sick that you switched it. Yeah, in my head I was like, oh dude, they're doing a full court press. Yeah. I was like, I'm wide open, dude. Yeah, you hit the three, you go, fuck yeah, bro. Not even the rim? Let's go.

You guys hear that drop? God damn. I do like the ice in my veins. You do the lebron i fucking dude i i fucked up i fucked up so bad when i was in a uh in a junior year of high school i i made varsity and i wasn't i don't think i was supposed to start i don't think i was supposed to start center back but um but one of the guys that was on our team, he was, like – he just wanted to, like, kind of go up and, like – he was, like, very rambunctious.

He would, like, just do crazy shit all the time. So he wasn't really trustworthy. So I ended up being the center back. And, like, I could stay on the team. I could stay on the pitch just because I was very locked down. I couldn't do anything else. But I could, like, stay in front of someone and just like size them up and get them and then uh on our last game of the of the regular season

like our coach is telling us we have to win this game for like i don't know if it was for like home court advantage for cif or something like that or if it was like to play somewhere else to like play a worse team they're like we have to win this game and in the first half i'm like i like some guy goes down the line and he's sizing me up and i'm like like staying with him he's like hitting me with like an array of shots and i'm just like staying with him and then my fucking uh uh uh what's it called the like cleat you know how they had like the little like spigs or whatever on the bottom it got caught in like one of my shoelaces so like i fucking catch like one of them and i like rip it off completely and i just stumble for a second but i'm still there and then this fool just nutmegs me into the into the box so he goes through my legs into the box so now

i'm like following him and he's getting really close to like shooting so i try to like knock him off and like kick the the ball out or whatever and i just end up like fouling super hard and somehow i end up falling on the ground and i'm like laying there and i'm so pissed because i'm like dude we need to win this game. Like I fucked up so hard. I like punched the floor like five times and screamed fuck. How old were you? That I was 17. I was 17 then.

Wait, so did you play in high school or no? Yeah, I played in high school. I did JV two years and then I did varsity two years. And I was starting. I played every minute junior year. And I punched the floor. I punched the floor like four times. And I just hear this dude chirping me.

He's making fun of me because he's like, he's just making fun of me as I'm punching the floor. And then I just get up and he's like, he was on the team, but he like wasn't playing. So he was just like on the sideline. And I just get up and I yell, fuck you, like as loud as possible. And then I turn around and I see the ref.

He's like literally pulling out a yellow card and then he just slips it back in and then he pulls out a red card and hits me with it. And I'm like, dude, why am I getting the red card? And he's's like you can't cuss out the fans i don't know what you're doing wow yeah and then dude what uh what is it about soccer players where they're like so gay like they're just like so dramatic you know what i mean like it's a beautiful sport shit but it's like it's kind of gay at the same time you get sly tackled and you're like, fuck. Dude, you got to play the cards.

Yeah, but that was all natural, though. You know what I'm saying? 17? It was. Did you learn that from somebody like a master in the woods? Yeah, no. I saw a clip the day before and I was like, I'm about to do that. Somebody came out of the woods and they were like, yeah, dude.

Dude, I was so mad. And then the next game game because everyone knew i had a fuse everyone knew i would lose it and my coach would always be like yo you need to chill out like it's okay just like move on that's a part of the sport and then the next game we we we didn't win that game i fucked it up big time and then uh and then the next game was playoffs and like everyone on the team is like we're gonna win cif we're gonna win cif and within like 20 minutes of the game i score an own goal i like kick it into like art because it was like some cross and i just kicked it with my left which i've never done before in my life but i was like i'll just kick my left it'll be a corner kick or whatever and i just whiff it super hard and then i look up and it's in the goal and then i started

like freaking out and shit and then i got pulled out and we lost damn what would you do if back then you played against like me dude and i was just like doing wild shit like would you be super serious or would you be like no i was always i was always homies with everyone yeah like i'd always want to be boys with everyone especially because when you're playing defense you're like you know i always i always thought it looked cool to like talk to like the other team and just like shoot the shit when i was younger i always thought it was cool to talk to the ref so i would always chat the ref up being like yo how are the kids doing when i'm like fucking nine years old like i don't know what I'm talking about. It'd be crazy if you were like, yo, how's the wife, dude?

Dude, I was doing that. Yeah, you just pull your pants down. I was literally doing that. But then if like, you know, when it gets real and shit like that, then it's like, all right, get the fuck out of my face. Yeah. So there's like a fucking fuse, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

I haven't. It hasn't. It hasn't been lit in like forever honestly yeah dude when do you think you lost it dude this is when i lost it i fucking my my boy um like he like used to date this girl okay and they were like dating for like two years it was in high school and then we went to college and we were freshmen and uh and they broke up and then some guy uh in in high school like i think he was a senior he started like hooking up with her and my boy was like really pissed about it and he was like yo dude like he like wanted to call him

and tell him off but he couldn't because he was like too sad so i was like yo like give me the phone i'll like tell him off so i like call it goes to voicemail and i just like do a you know like i'm on the phone being like yo fuck you i'm gonna fuck you up like i swear to fuck i'm gonna kill you like all that crazy shit and then i hang up and i thought it was awesome and then the next day i got like a text from a random number and they sent me like an audio file and i pressed play on the file and they like took my voicemail and they put it over a beat like they turned it into like a fucking song where they like they like auto-tuned it and shit like that wow yeah so then after that i was like all right i gotta calm down

yeah wow that's so random dude that's like the most random shit i've ever heard in my life bro it hurt i thought you were gonna say like someone fucking like you killed someone or something no dude but it's like have you ever like blown up like just imagine you blowing the fuck up being the most angry and then the next day you like hear it over a song and it's like all right like i don't even scare these guys me personally dude i mean i think the audio would be all right but i would kind of want the video too yeah like that over like the love sosa beat oh love that would be fucking sick man yeah it was it was a bummer do you have a fuse at all or no no dude i don't really get mad that often did you ever though no dude i always like i always found a way to just like chill spank you know what i mean yeah it's a lot of bits in the spank there's a lot of power in the spank

yeah it's all about you know like uh dude i played rugby for a while man and that is like the best therapy you know what i mean because like dude you're just tackling grown men with no pads for like an hour dude you know i get kind of like confused sexually and then like afterwards dude like after those games man i just felt like like nothing dude could bother me you know what i'm saying yeah like you just like all your anxiety goes away you're kind of like damn dude you know there's something to be said about like being manly and shit like you got to do something and you think it's all right there on the on the pitch yeah i mean like dude if you and i just met up weekly and like wrestled each other in like an open field i'm pretty sure our anxiety would go down

a little bit yeah you know what i'm saying yeah i used to do that a lot when i was younger though me and my boys would be like, yo, let's wrestle. And then we would just, like, get after it on the bed. Dude. Dude, I went to a fucking wrestling camp in the summer. Dude, it was, like, the most tired I've ever been in my life. Like, live wrestling, dude. You know what I mean?

I've never done it before. Dude, it is insane. Like, you know, like, soccer is obviously done it before dude it is insane like you know like soccer's obviously you need good conditioning for soccer kind of imagine just going all out like how long is it is like three minutes three minutes dude all of your strength dude by like a minute and a half you're literally just like hugging each other and just like waiting for it just like waiting for it to be over dude that's so sketchy dude that does seem like because you have to just be you're locked right because with wrestling it's it's just like locking with the dude dude i didn't know how to

wrestle they just like they like recruited me they were like we need a heavyweight and i was like okay like i'll try it and they were like come to this wrestling camp. The first day, dude, they were like, all right, we're doing live wrestling. They taught me, like, three moves. And they were like, yeah, you just do live wrestling for three minutes, and then you rotate. So you can't. Dude, I literally was like, I'm going to fucking kill myself, dude. I was like, I can't fucking go any further.

Were you with it at all? Was it fun at any point in time? I mean, kind of exciting to like take a fat dude down you just hear like all the air come out of them they're just like oh and then they can't get up so it's like you kind of just lay on them dude but i like didn't know what to do so i was just like humping dudes you know what i'm saying like i was fully straddling dudes. Just fully erect? Yeah. I was like, don't get up. Don't think about it. You get up.

I'm about to put this somewhere else, bro. Yeah. That's funny. We used to do, I used to, me and my boy, my best friend Brian back in the day, his name was also Brian. It was a big deal. Oh, wow, dude. And we used to-

Dude, Brian squared. Two Brians. He spelled it with an I. I spelled it with a Y. We were very good friends. In the yearbook, they asked us how we wanted to spend our day. And people would say, go to Magic Mountain or whatever. And mine said, hanging out with my friend Brian.

And his said, hanging out with my friend Brian. But uh and his said hanging out with my friend brian but it was like spelled y and i you know yeah very gay and we used to wrestle all the time it's so gay bro do we used to wrestle and what was so funny is like not only would we wrestle and have a time but we called it cheetah fights wow dude you might have been gay dude you just didn't know we used to go in cheetah fights so like his dad. You might have been gay, dude. You just didn't know. We used to go in cheetah fights. So, like, his dad would, like, be like, what did you guys get into today? And we were like, oh, we just did some cheetah fights.

Yeah. Well, dude, I think dudes, like, naturally wrestle. You know what I'm saying? It's a good time. Dude, I used to be at, like, fucking, like, birthday parties. And, like, dudes would just start fucking doing single legs on each other. Yeah, you see the grass and you're like, yeah. All the girls are, like, soaking wet and you're like, yeah. All the girls are like soaking wet. They're like, that's my boyfriend.

Yeah, I haven't wrestled in a minute, bro. I'm telling you, dude, we should start it up, man. Dude, we should start our own wrestling camp. Cheetah fights? Yeah, dude. Call it like fucking poop. No, I'm just kidding, dude. That was fucking so dumb.

Cheetah fights. Why did I just say that? Fucking poop? I don't know, bro. You were on it. If we had, like, a shed. It was coming. Dude, if we had a shed, like a large shed, those custom-made ones from, like, Home Depot,

dude. And we just put a mat in there called it fucking poop fucking poop yeah it'd be over like we had a bunch of dudes in there showing them like unknown moves yeah you can't do this on the you can't do this in the normal league, bro. Yeah. No strings. Imagine me just like standing up straight. And you're like, dude, no words. You just do a fucking sly tackle.

First meeting, dude. All the dudes are watching us. Oh, shit. And then we're just fucking rolling around. Dude, we're fucking casting spells on each other. Yeah, bro. Yeah. That could work. We should start Yeah, bro. Yeah. I could work.

We should start that, bro. You know where there's a Home Depot around here? Dude, I used to tell myself I go to Home Depot and I see those sheds and I'd be like, bro, I could live in one of those. Really, dude? Dude, whenever I'm at Home Depot, I always think about driving through those sheds. Dude, because you can make it through all of them and just dip. That's funny. That'd be so crazy.

Imagine seeing that, dude. You're with your wife, dude. You're buying, like, fucking Scott's Turf Grow. And you just see some dude. Drive through those sheds. Dude, you would be like, this is the best Saturday ever. As a married man. Dude, that's the shit you live for, dude.

Like when I'm older, dude, like I'm not going to be excited for my son. Unless it's like something crazy fucking happens obviously i'm gonna live i just like um there's gonna be so many sports games where oh you mean like you mean like if he becomes like the man like a basketball like when he's super young like the games are gonna be like they're gonna hurt so boring yeah they're gonna like hopefully some crazy shit happens between like parents or something. You know, there's, like, a fucking fight or something. Some dude just drives through all the kids. You're like, oh, shit.

Let's go. Yo, that's my son. My boy. My boy. I knew we shouldn't sign up for softball God damn it I mean dude If you were at like If you were at like your son's soccer game

And some dude fucking Rolled up Rolled up in like a fucking In the Bronco In a caravan dude And started peeling out in the field and then everyone just like runs out of the car dude i would be i would be chill as fuck man i'd be like holy shit this is great man

i wouldn't panic in that situation, dude. Mm-mm. I'd be like, this is good. This is good fucking shit. I would so panic. Really? You'd be like, Jeffrey! Bro, if I saw a caravan spinning out on the game, yeah, I'd be like, where's my song? Dude, I would just be drinking like a Heineken.

Yeah, I wonder if I'm going to be... Dude, I hope. That'd be sick. I'm psyched on that. That seems like pretty fun to just like get fucking hammered and just like be at my son's games. Yeah, that'll be good for him, dude. You're like, what the fuck are you doing? Dude, I worry that I'm going to be like...

I don't know if I'm going to be... We'll see. I don't know if I'm going be we'll see i don't know if i'm gonna be psyched on my kid if he's not killing it you know what i mean yeah man it's gonna be tough because like dude a lot of kids man they suck early on and then they get better dude you know what i'm saying yeah i just hope my kid gets better as time progresses i don't want my kid to be really good when he's like young because they usually like fade out yeah not many not many kids are like that happened to me bro really yeah i used to be nice yeah i used to be really good at sports and then i fucking

just like not used to failure dude yeah that's probably why i was like punching goalposts and like freaking out and chilling dude the only reason i ever got decent at sports was because i like failed for so many years i was like oh i've been here before like I know I know how this works yeah dude yeah bro I never I never really I was nice up until uh I want to say up until like seventh or eighth grade and then I started getting I started getting injury prone it was so annoying yeah like my hips got crooked and like I had to wear knee braces and stuff like that you wore knee braces on the soccer field dude yeah dude i had two knee i had both knee braces and i fucking i remember the the head of the athletics department he used to like give me shit really yeah i'm like 12 and he'd be like oh injured again brian yeah it'd be funny if you were wearing like scuba goggles out there too what what do you mean when

you said that i just thought about you and like scuba goggles for some reason dude when i uh i was on the swim team in high school oh wow i joined the swim team because i wanted to get a six-pack that was like that was like the idea and then when we when i discovered that i wasn't gonna get a six-pack i just started like really fucking off and then one of the things that i did is like uh i bought like um you know like those kids like you know despicable me the minions yeah i bought these like minion goggles oh that were like for like little kids and i would just rock them where they were like literally like that with like the nose pressed yeah and stuff like that wow did you get any pussy i got a little bro yeah yeah my boy he has uh he has a minion hat and the eyes go over his fucking eyes does he get pussy off that no we showed up to a golfing we showed up to a golf course once

literally it was like 25 degrees out he was wearing that hat dude we just we should golf like 18 The ground was like legit cement. Where was this? This was Rhode Island? Yeah. 25 degrees? Dude, imagine showing up to the gym in a minion hat, dude. Every single time.

It'd be awesome if that was your gear every single time. You just had the minion shit going. Dude, if I didn't know me and I saw me walk into a gym with a fucking Izod polo on and a Minion hat and I just started going fucking ham. Dude, I'd be like, I respect the shit out of that guy. Especially if I was a girl, dude, I would just. You'd be like, who's this guy? Dude, I'd immediately ask for the number, dude. I fucking, I always thought it'd be so funny if you were like you ever those like um puffy like um what's it called you know like the costume where it's like

the pretend being buff costumes yeah with like all the i would be so funny if you just rolled up to the gym in one of those yeah just like a shirt off dude you know what I've noticed about life in general or my life is like, dude, my nuts aren't in between my legs. What do you mean? Where are they? Dude, they're like in front of my legs. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're perched in front.

Yeah. But, dude, I feel like there's a lot of dudes out there their nuts are in between their legs but their legs are small enough to fit their nuts in between or do you think all dudes just have their nuts in front of their legs i feel like i feel like it's all right there i feel like it's all in front the little the unless you have like really i don't know people say they have like long testicles that like sag and stuff like that. Yeah. Then there's like the dip where it like drops off.

Because like, dude, if my nuts are in between my legs, my piece is looking fucking dangerous, dude. Because like my nuts aren't there. My nuts are just hidden in the fucking woods. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, your piece is just out and about. Yeah. So it's like, imagine just like seeing a dude with just a dick no balls this is what you've noticed about life yeah i've been thinking about it a lot dude especially with

the heat and stuff so i'm starting to like chafe a little bit dude you know uh-huh i haven't shaved in a while really yeah what type of underwear are you wearing um i'm homo dude no yeah all right bro um it's like touchy subject for you man like what's up this is a touchy subject dude my underwear yeah yeah i fucking uh champions really i wear champions i have calvin klein as well i think i'm rocking calvin right now dude yeah you seem like such a chill dude when it comes to that stuff man my underwear just like clothing and shit man you're just like a chill dude when it comes to that stuff man my underwear just like clothing and shit man you're just like yeah i fucking rock it dude you know i try to bro i try to rock uh um i have a tom brady jersey that uh that john kennedy blessed me with wow and i try

to rock that as much as i can i always feel weird though you know like some days i'll be like dude i would look so nice like in the Tom Brady right now. But then other days it's like, there's no way I can walk out of this place. Yeah. It's so funny to imagine like someone in like fresh clothing who's like super immature. You know what I mean? No way. Because I couldn't imagine me in like a tight black fucking Hanes shirt with my my triceps extended dude and like tight jeans

doing the lord's work those fucking boots dude show up to a nightclub just talking about fucking titties dude yeah just being like yo who you talking to me right now yeah that is funny like to me to imagine though like a wicked immature dude wearing fancy like that's funny you know just like a child like me in a suit it's hilarious you know what i mean yeah i have a tuxedo i'm i'm still yet to uh to rock it outside of the uh really i think it would be hilarious to do a little stand-up in the tuxedo yeah dude i did a finance uh i did a finance internship in college. So, like, we were, this is my first day, dude. Everyone's, like, going around, like, you know, meet and greet type shit.

Then we sat down at the square table. All the big swinging dicks were there and shit. And I started talking to the dude next to me. The first thing, I didn't say anything to him up to this point i just go dude i got this suit at target dude he like literally started fucking he started laughing for like 20 minutes straight and i had to be like dude stop laughing like it's not that funny yeah it's a fucking fresh suit like dude you can get some sick shit at target man you know yeah i haven't really bought shit

from target so sus i think the last time i watched it at target was when i when i moved to new york i was trying to um i teach swimming okay that's uh that's how i make my bread and swim teacher i'm a swim instructor that's so scary man it's pretty humor i um i had to um i had to audition for this job where basically like i had to to teach for like four hours or something like that. And I slept over at my boy's house. It might have been a week. And we got hammered the night before. And then I had to wake up at like 8 a.m. or like maybe it was 7 a.m.

And I asked him when we were hanging out. I was like, yo, do you have some swim trunks I can borrow? And he's like, yeah, of course. So then we got fucking hammered. And then I woke up at like 7 a.m. And I was like, yo, can I get those swim trunks I can borrow? And he's like, yeah, of course. So then we got fucking hammered, and then I woke up at like 7 a.m., and I was like, yo, can I get those swim trunks? And he's like, I don't have any. Dude, so you're nice with it, swimming?

No, bro. Oh, really? I'm not nice at swimming. Well, dude, don't, you know, you got to be at least decent. I'm decent. I'm decent. I can do, I'm pretty good at freestyle. I'm pretty good.

I'm good at breaststroke, but not like good, good. I can just do I'm pretty good at freestyle. I'm pretty good. I'm good at breaststroke. But not like good, good. I can just do it well enough. I'm okay at backstroke. And I don't know how to do butterfly. Do you know butterfly? Dude, I barely know how to swim, man. I was going to say, like, dude, I'm not even trying to be gay, man. Like, if you could teach me how to swim the right way, dude.

Because I was trying to get into it, man. I can help you out. When I was losing weight, dude, I was trying to get into, like, different shit, you know, like cycling and stuff. And I ended up going to the reservoir in my town, dude, and I tried to swim halfway across. There was, like, a certain section where I was like, oh, dude, I could probably make it across this.

And I was with two of my buddies, and they were super stoned, and they were fishing. And I tried swimming across with my shoes on. And, dude, I was just using all arms. And I got about halfway there, and I started, like, legitimately convulsing. Like, I was like, this is it. Like, this is, like, my time. Like, I'm going to die, dude.

And I started yelling at my boys. I'm like, yo, yo call 9-1-1 help yeah dude and i i could see them and they were just like pissing laughing dude why'd you keep your shoes on dude then just like adrenaline kicked in and i just literally like swam as fast as i could all arms my legs i didn't use them at all like my legs weren't tired i just didn't know what to do with them dude i had like nikes on and uh i rolled up dude i just rolled up on shore and i was just like holy fuck dude why do you have your shoes on i don't know man i just like felt like it was a challenge

i wanted to accomplish you know what i mean i didn't realize how fucking far it was either, dude. Had to have been, like, a mile at least, dude. Bro, my eye's so fucked up right now. But, yeah, I've never been, uh... I've always, like, wanted to be able to swim, man. I just, like, never... You never figured it out? No, I'm not really, like, buoyant either, you know?

No, that's what everyone says. You just don't know how to float. That's the... Yeah, like, when you're chilling, dude,'t know how to float. That's the thing. Yeah, like when you're chilling, dude, you ever go to like a lake or something with some like biddies? No. Oh, really? I just remember back in the day, man,

just like going to like a lake or something, just like everyone's swimming and I'm just like, you know, I'm on the shore, dude. Yeah, you got your shirt on. Cheering everyone on, dude, you know. It's like I want to be out there. I want to be a part of something. Go get them.

Yeah. No, I fucking, yeah. I'm not very good at swimming. I can figure it out. I used to fucking, I used to swim, during the pandemic, I was swimming 100 laps every single morning. Okay. Which I think it turned out to like 1.4 miles or something like that. And I was in L.A.

That's why I haven't hit lakes. I'm from L.A., so there are no lakes, really. So there's no legs? Lakes. Oh. Yeah, no lakes. There are definitely legs. And I used to swim.

I would like work because i was trying to i was like watching kobe shit you know i was watching david goggin shit hell yeah dude i remember sitting in the bathtub we're just like watching like david goggins talking about how like you need to just like keep going you know and like there's always more and i was like there is always more so then i ended up i got into a cycle where i would uh work out i would lift weights for an hour in my room uh from 5 a.m to 6 a.m and then i would go and swim 100 laps at my uh my mom lives in a condo at the at the pool and uh and so i would swim 100 laps and the only other dude that was in the pool every single day was uh was the heart uh do you know harvey levine from tmz no do you have you

ever seen tmz before no not really oh all right like the paparazzi yeah yeah there's like a guy he always has the drink he's like the the face of tmz okay and we used to it would it would be me and him every single morning just getting after it oh wow just like shooting the shit about like the vaccine when it's gonna drop dude i stopped because uh um i stopped because uh because i'm i moved i was on i would dude i was on a run bro i was literally swimming 100 laps every single day for like eight straight months yeah just chasing excellence man great yeah dude literally like 100 laps every single day for like eight straight months. Yeah, just chasing excellence, man. Yeah, dude, literally like being excellence every day.

Being excellence. And me and Harvey, we were pretty tight. Like I fucked with him a lot. He was like my boy. And then, dude, because I don't know. How was it in Rhode Island? Could you just get the vaccine when it came out? I think so, yeah. Dude, in LA, it was like super like. Oh, no, they did like segments. How was it in Rhode Island? Could you just get the vaccine when it came out?

I think so, yeah. Dude, in LA, it was like super like... Oh, no, they did like segments. Yeah, it got rolled out. So in LA, like if you were 65 and older, you could get the first one. And then the next people were like healthcare workers. Or I think it was healthcare workers before. But then the next people were like people that worked in the food industry. So if you were like a postmatemate you could just like get the vaccine

but like my mom who's like 64 couldn't get it yeah so my mom we got a link for like we we just had to pose as uh as um postmates and then um and then you just show up and then you would get the vaccine you would just pretend you're an Uber or an Uber Eats guy. And I fucking – dude, Harvey tells me he's getting the vaccine and I'm like so psyched on him. Because we've been talking about it the whole time. Like that's all we were talking about, like that and like the pool, you know, if it was like warm or not. And so I remember him telling me and he's like, yo, I'm getting the vaccine today. And I'm like fucking dapping him up like five times, just being like, let's go, bro.

And then when I told him I was getting the vaccine, I was like, yeah, I'm getting the vaccine today. He was like, what are you talking about? And I was like, I'm getting the vaccine. He's like, how the fuck are you getting the vaccine? And I was like, I got this link. And he was like, can you get me that link? And I was like, what? And he was like, oh you get me that link? Yeah. And I was like, what? And he was like, oh, because I have a friend that needs it desperately.

That's what he told me. But then in my mind, I was like, oh, because he's TMZ. I'm like, bro, is he just trying to use this for a story? You know? Yeah. Because it would be a story that you would like, you would read that where it's like some people are illegally giving out the vaccine. Yeah.

So I didn't know what to do. So I ended up not telling him. And then like then like months later my buddy he he works at tmz i asked him about it and he was like yeah we're gonna run the story we're just like waiting wow so he was using you the whole time dude dude dude everyone shits on harvey so much because they're like he's like a snake or like he just fucking you know stirs up controversy or like just post like things that aren't supposed to be posted and uh and i was like no dude he's the man i fucking love this fool and then right there i was like ah yeah dude dude that's heartbreaking my heart yeah dude i was like come on harvey bro i thought we were dogs fuck dude you should make a lifetime movie about that dude it was such a bummer i was dude i was so dude those times were

awesome though did you fuck with the pandemic no i mean i don't know man i felt myself changing you know i felt things slipping away i just feel like i could be so much better at comedy now though if i was were you doing it a lot before then or not dude honestly i think i don't know if i would be here if the pandemic didn't i wouldn't be here if the pandemic didn't happen like i don't know if i would make the move you know what i'm saying i don't know where comedy would have led me like something hit me where i was like oh shit dude like time's running out like you just lost two years of your life dude yeah you know so i was kind of pissed man but i was just like dude like at least i'm not in high school or college yeah yeah if those years were ruined yeah i'd be fucking pissed yeah i would be so mad yeah so those are like the best years of

your life dude you know yeah and uh yeah like someone was just like yeah dude things are never going to be the same and they're kind of right dude like nothing is you know nothing's true i don't know i feel like uh i don't know i mean you can't just like go back to like you know nothing's true i don't know i feel like uh i don't know i mean you can't just like go back to like you know i feel like things are like pretty much the same i don't know if they fully are like uh i don't know like little things disappeared like they don't have diced onions anymore at dodger stadium wow they took out they took out the diced onions they never brought them back wow yeah dude i just feel like people have kind of given up man you know and uh it might just be like be me getting older uh-huh um but yeah dude i look back like sometimes i get the memories on my instagram from covid times and i'll look at what i posted and i'm like dude what the fuck

like it just like kind of spells out like desperate you know dude i look crazy during the pandemic i like grew my like face, my facial hair out. And I just ended up getting like these two. Cause I thought I could like, I was like, maybe we'll see what happens. And I just ended up like,

like getting this disgusting stash. And then these two, this two, like these areas right here would just grow. Like they only grew out. So I was just rocking like these horns the whole time. You should do that now, man. I look so crazy, bro. That's what I did. like they only grew out so i was just rocking like these horns the whole time dude that's you should do that now man i look so crazy bro that's what i did my hair was like this like i need a

haircut bad but i had like a full beard i would just sneak onto tracks and like go running dude i fucking went to i went to home depot and bought like legitimate aluminum piping and uh i got two off-road tires i got four off-road tires from craigslist and i made a fucking a squat rack dude at the local baseball field i went into the fuck i went into the batting cage and i hung two like ring ropes from the tops and then i just put the like the fucking thing in between them. Like, the aluminum pipe I put in between them. So it was resting on it. And then I put the four tires on, and I would just squat.

It was insane, dude. Yeah, dude, the pandemic was fun. Were you doing comedy at all, though, or no? No, not really. Honestly, up until then man most of my life was just like working and then i would like to be like oh you should go to an open mic man and i should never go dude you know what i mean yeah yeah i was hitting them pretty aggressively right beforehand i was like town i was like trying to go 80 mics a month so i would

like tally them and like one month i got like 63 the next month i got like 70 the next one i was approaching 73 during uh during the pandemic but i lucked out because i shot a movie while i was in uh i studied abroad in new zealand so i like shot i like i shot like this whole movie like it was but it was it was supposed to be an hour and 30 minutes but it ended up being like an hour and 10 and uh but i lucked out because during the pandemic i had this fucking movie that i had to work on so i just fucking edited it and did everything and like made it happen so i was like able to just like lock in you know yeah embrace the excellence you know yeah dude i'm happy like i don't know man i'm just happy things are like kind of like the struggle's back you know what i'm saying it's just like weird when life is like

there's nothing to look forward to and there's no struggle dude you know what i'm saying yeah when i'm on the toilet crying dude like the comeback is like what i live for yeah when you get back on the scene when you're like you've been crying super hard and then you just walk around like what's up boys yeah that's what's up yeah man the comeback is like what it's all about dude that's what i live for man you know what i'm saying i hear you dog yeah when i met you last night i didn't imagine uh you were like a fucking swim instructor um dude that shit's so funny yeah it's so funny so like what are you you're fucking Legitimately working In like an indoor Swimming pool Yeah I wear

I used to I used to have a wetsuit Cause the pool's super Fucking cold The pool's so cold bro And I'm there I'm in there for like Four hours

And it's so funny Cause like the kids Will have like purple lips And shit like that Shit dude Where is this It's on the It's on the upper east side okay all

right yeah wow that's where the money's at bro it's not a bad gig man it's uh it is hours okay or no the hours the hours they're they're not enough hours for it to be like very um lucrative um i get paid a lot for what i'm teaching but i don't make like i don't work enough for it to be like worthy um but uh it's funny because um it's just funny because like like i don't work enough for it to be worthy. But it's funny because I'm just hanging out with these kids. I'm literally just boying down with them and just asking them how they are and shit like that. Like young kids? Yeah, like five-year-olds. I'm like, yo, what's good, pops?

Yeah, dude. Damn. Dude, it was funny. This girl, she's been like crushing on me like because she i didn't i didn't know but hold on are we talking about a five-year-old girl yeah it's all good bro it's all good if i can uh she she came in and she wrote a letter to me yeah she and her mom came in i was like hey uh she wrote you a letter and i was like oh my god that's so sweet like thank you so much you know it was like very

it's like like thanks for teaching me how to swim you know and like really fucked up letter you know she doesn't really know how to spell and then uh and then the next like the next week uh she pulls up again and she wrote me another letter but this one's covered in hearts like literally like all hearts and she pulled up with her dad and her dad was not with it at all yeah it's like he was he was like yo uh she wrote you a letter i could just tell he was like bro what are you doing with my child yeah like why does she fuck with you so much yeah that's gotta be tough man it's funny it's just funny the relationship where like the mom is like she wrote you a letter i'm like oh my god thank you so much and then with the dad he's like yo she wrote you a letter i'm like oh fuck

dude i can just see you up on like a fucking plank like 12 deep dude you just like roll you fucking roll into the pool dude so sus bro you actually like you're actually like changing their lives like teaching them how to swim yeah they kind of have floaties and they're just kind of like floating around no no we never do i would never have a kid have floaties oh wow so you're right you're all in yeah dude that girl she's so funny that girl she fucking could not swim she couldn't put her face in the water because apparently she told me she like drowned or something like that and like almost died or something like that so i was like talking to her being like yo it's okay like i'm with you now like don't worry about it it'll be fine and i got her to literally she couldn't put her face in the water and then and i was like

wouldn't do it the entire time and then i got her like swimming laps wow and stuff like that yeah and uh and when she finally did it i kind of bro it's it's pretty whack but i started like crying a little bit oh shit like i was like tearing up and stuff like that because I was like, bro, you're fucking doing it. Like, this is awesome. I get that, man, because you're, like, changing her life, dude. Yeah, I was just so happy because, like, I would literally – she's, like, tall. She's, like, six. So she, like – she can pretty much stand.

But she's like, I'm going to drown. So I'd be like, I'm going to dunk you. I'd be like – we got to the point where I'm like, I'm going to dunk you. And she's like, no, don't. And she, like, put her feet, like, on my get to where I'm like, I'm going to dunk you. And she's like, no, don't. And she like put her feet like on my legs. So I literally can't like put her down at all. And then,

and then she's literally like, boom, just going. Wow. Dude, you don't even realize, man, like dude,

later on in life, she could be like at a nude beach in Miami, man. There could be like a shark attack, dude. And she could just swim away because of you, man. You know? Why does she have to be at a nude beach, bro? Come on.

I didn't mean she was going to be nude. I just meant like she could be at like... Because that's where it all happens, you know, the shark attacks, dude. Yeah, they only roll up to the nude beaches. Yeah, dude. You're just looking for some ass. Sharks, dude. They're looking for ass.

Everyone's running away. They're like, yo, yo, dude. you're just looking for some ass sharks dude they're looking for ass everyone's running away like yo yo bro i saw i saw a video like the other day it was like a shark attack video it was in miami and it's like there's like 30 people in the water and everyone's like fucking shark Some lady's literally recording it. She's like, get the fuck out. And all of the 30 people are staring at her,

and they're like, that woman's crazy. And there's a legit shark swimming around. You can see its fin. It's so fucking funny. Does it attack them in the end or not? She just stopped recording. That's so funny. I can't even imagine being in that situation, dude.

Like, you hear someone yell shark. Dude, I'd be like, yo, fuck this. You're like, yo, who the fuck is this bitch? Dude, if someone yelled shark and I was in the water, I would just submerge and start throwing fucking haymakers, dude. Like, full speed, all my strength. That'd be funny if that's how Jaws actually was. Instead of shooting, he just takes his shirt off, just gets in. Dude, if that was the first scene of jaws someone's like yo fucking shark you see some guy fucking plunge under

his eyes are closed dude he's just screaming under water yeah i wouldn't even know what to do, man. Aren't you supposed to punch him in the fucking eyes or something? I don't know, dude. Yeah, I think at that point you're just kind of fucked, man. I don't know what the shark game's about. That's how you can make your money, bro.

I just told him about sharks. You should be a lifeguard on a Miami beach. You got to make bank out there, dude. Yeah, you definitely make more money with those currents dude you gotta be a fucking you gotta be an aquamarine dude like bro don't get started on the current i think you could swim through those currents dude like survive out there do i yeah no you just be fucked? Dude, no. I'm not with it at all, honestly.

Because I always wonder, man, when shit like that goes down, when you're at a beach where there's really bad fucking currents and someone's out there like, help, help. Do you just call in the national... I mean, the fucking... The National Guard? It wouldn't be the National Guard.

It would be... The Lifeguard? It wouldn't be the National Guard. It would be, The Lifeguard? No, dude. Who would it be? Baywatch. No, dude, like, I feel like the Lifeguard would call in like,

The Navy. The Coast Guard. The Coast Guard. Coast Guard. No, dude, I don't fuck with sharks at all. Never have. I don't think anyone does.

Never will, bro. People, I mean, I never, do you surf at all or no no dude i like every summer i'm like dude you should go to the beach more and i just like never go man you know and i want to go you know i do that i mean that's how i am in la beach is literally right there i never i never had so fun to manage going to the beach yeah it's like a really good time, dude. I don't know. I don't like it that much. Really?

I don't know. I feel like I'm wasting my time if I'm just, like, laying there, you know? Yeah. I mean, dude, it used to be fun. Like, you used to go to a private beach and just get drunk and, like, throw around the football. I remember some kid showed up who wasn't invited, and he was kind of a dick, dude. He showed up with his girlfriend who was, like, super hot, and they were just using my friend for like his private beach and they said what's up and then

they started walking down the beach like away from us and i was like you know i was a few beers deep dude and i uh i took a an nfl sized football and threw it like them. And it missed the dude's head by, like, half an inch. But just, like, stuff like that, man, that'll get me, you know. Yeah, that'll get you going. Yeah. One time I saw this dude hook up with a fat chick on the beach. Uh-huh. At, like, a Fourth of July party, dude.

Uh-huh. And he was super traumatized about it. So it's, like, 5 in the morning with the sun's rising. So he starts walking down the beach dude she's trying to get away from everyone dude he's like walking down the beach like the sun's rising it's like a beautiful scene dude he like gets like probably like a hundred yards away and he just sits down and starts staring off into the abyss dude i took a rock like that big i swear to god dude i threw it it had to have been like 80 yards i just took it dude crow hop threw it as far as i could dude literally hit him in the back

dude he started yelling he started yelling at the top of his lungs dude i threw it so far he didn't know where it came from he started looking in the wrong way he was like, what the fuck? Dude, what's good with you and throwing shit? I just took my whole life, man, pretty much. You're just about throwing shit at people? But dude, imagine like banging a fat chick and then that happens to you. You just get hit with a rock in the back.

Yeah, it's over at that point. Yeah, man a tough life dude yeah that's rough yeah well dude um thanks for coming dude yeah i'm sorry i wasn't in like the best i wasn't on my best today man you're right man it was because we had so much fun last night man i know it was tough last night was legendary man yeah i had really fun time things happened last night i don't even remember too much honestly last night was a movie man i blacked out so hard oh really i think so yeah wow why i i like branda i don't remember i don't remember you i just remember you disappearing i don't remember i forgot how because i took the subway back home with like a couple other comics i don't know where everyone else went and then uh nothing happened i just got existential for a little bit you know yeah i mean

we said goodbye man we did we dapped off it was emotional man and then it took me three hours to get home so no dude thank you for coming man whatever you want to plug dude this is usually that moment oh yeah yeah plug your shit man all right um i have a that movie that i made finals week it's on youtube right now oh yeah dude it's pretty it's pretty fun i'll watch it before i go to bed dude yeah it's a good time if you get high and shit it could be fun it's just about um i'm studying abroad in new zealand i play myself. And I'm studying abroad in New Zealand. And then I find out I'm failing all my classes. So then to ace my finals, I go and find the one ring from like Lord of the Rings.

And I try to use its powers to ace my finals. Wow. So it's like a thriller? Kind of. There are thriller moments to it. I get like stuck like you ever seen 127 hours yeah that happens to me i get like stuck in between a boulder and i have to like cut my arm off and shit like that wow shit gets real holy shit man shit gets real wow

dude if it's an emotional roller coaster i'll watch it there's definitely a three-act structure all right brother thank you man yeah thanks for having me man