The Johnny Salami Podcast - Che Durena

Episode Date: February 24, 2025

Che Durena by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Well I love you madly dear, and I need you badly dear. Why did you leave me here, without your love? Oh, I'm hurting. I'm in bed each night I lie, and I think of you and cry, and I tell you one of those, bring back my love. You gotta bring the energy, bro.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. I don't really know you, so I ended up taking a look at your Instagram, man. Yeah, sure. Because it's like what people do Yeah, yeah, and Yes, all tits man. That's a lot of tits a lot of tits tits is the backbone of what I've done for a long time Did you like evolve into that? I just started like like I was doing stand-up way before I started doing social stuff

But then when I started doing social stuff the tits just were was clicking. And so I just started doing more tits related stuff. Wow. Yeah. And then I just like, was like, kind of stay on that. I'm turning out of it a bit because I'm like, now my social media like stuff popped off during COVID. So, so I didn't have standup clips to post. So some people think I'm like a social media guy who started doing standup when it's the other way around. So I'm just like focusing more and getting more standup, more standup, more standup. You almost feel disrespected in a way. No, not really. Like I just need, I just need to sell more tickets.

It's like more people need to be like, oh, it's like he does standup. I'm going to come to the show. You're still being yourself though, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I'm still fucking doing it. Yeah. You know, wouldn't want to lose you or anything. No, I appreciate that. Yeah, man. Tits are awesome. Dude. Just crazy.

Like how many there are, you know, and how like readily available they are. Sometimes you're scrolling and then you'll see like this, like random hot chick and you're like another one. Yeah. How's there another one? How's there this many hot checks crazy when you see them in person too. Yeah. And I'm not talking about like full on tits. Yeah. How's there another one? How's there this many hot checks crazy when you see him in person too. Yeah. And I'm not talking about like full on tits. Yeah. I'm just talking about like a tit crack. Yeah. Cause like, dude, that'll, you know, if I'm having a bad day or something, it'll, it'll fix a lot of problems. I don't know how they set it up either. Like it's always that same. They're good at it. They work it, dude. Like have you ever seen a chick like adjust her tits?

Yeah, dude, like they'll have some kind of shirt on and they move their there. They know how to work tits like an art form Dude, it is for us tits are so foreign Like I don't think about working my balls in my pants I can think about if they're stuck but I have specific like we the dudes have like you do like the sidestep So your balls get like I'm stuck Yeah, and girls have like a tit They're aware of their how they can use tits as to like to be hot or to their advantage Like I don't ever go out and be like, how do I look better? I just look I know what you're saying

Yeah, yeah, but dude, it's like like I want to sit down with you, dude, and talk about like evolution and like shit like that. Yeah. You know, but it always just something we were, we briefly touched on. We didn't get into it was like, what's your porn site? You were, you said you were going to like a Soviet websites or something. Yeah. I mean, my other iPhone, I didn't get a new iPhone cause it was like lagging and stuff. Yeah, I mean my other iPhone I didn't do iPhone because it was like lagging and stuff. Yeah like messages would pop up and they'd be like we know where you live. We know what you did last summer. I would

X out of that and just go back to it. I just didn't care. We got your location like time for a new phone. It came to a point where my whole calendar on my phone was like every day was just a different like virus. Oh, they like hack my calendar. So like people would be like, yo man, are you available on this date? Open up my calendar. And it would just be like a bang bus video. I'd be like, dude, dude, getting your calendar is crazy, man. I know, dude. They got me bro. They didn't get my social anything, man. So you're good. Whatever. Yeah. They probably weren't even really in there. That's probably something they just send out. Like they weren't actually like looking at you. Yeah. I think they were probably just like trying to get me to input a lot of important information. And then they would have just fucking trying to get me to input a lot of important information And then they would have just fucking slurp that down. Yeah

Do you think I mean are you like a smart guy? I don't know I don't think so cuz you talk like pretty eloquently dude. I mean, I I guess so like I can convincing man I'm convinced you like Are you one of those guys or you kind of just kind of like get warmed up a little bit and then you start talking about tits or do you start ripping right off? I could start ripping right off the bat with the right guy. Yeah. Like you are like a wedding or something or like a work conference. Yeah. Someone's like dude, dude, look at those honkers. I'd be like, Whoa, yeah, dude. Fucking Cheryl. Oh my gosh. He's like fat. If you like didn't know me or something and we were at like a work conference

Yeah, and I just walked up to you with a picture of like massive tits. Yeah straight-faced. Yeah showed you I think I would be shocked at first. But I think my first thing would be like, whose tits are those? Who's, who's are those? Yeah. That's a good question, man. Yeah. Cause that would be like, I would want to know the context of the tits support. If it's like some porn star would be like sick. Who is it? Like great tits. But my mom's tits though. Yeah, if it's like some porn star would be like sick who is like, yeah great tits. It's like my mom's tits though Yeah, I would be like, whoa, dude. Don't show me those tits. Yeah, that would be uh, like I got a strict No, like you dudes do this sometimes where they'll just show nudes to like some chicks nudes to their friends I got a strict no like no if I get a nude no one's no one's fucking it's just rude got a strict no like no if I get a nude no one's no one's fucking it's just rude respectful respectful someone's back for the game man someone sent you some

fucking tits and you're gonna just fucking publicly put him out there that's a fine gesture oh dude when I was in high school I had a GF with massive beanbags bro nice and I played baseball bro and one of my good friends were in the outfield just like fetching balls. And he was like, bro, do you think there's a chance I could like see your girls titties? And I was like, bro, the amount of disrespect. Those are my tits, man. That's rude to your flight. No, dude. Did that fuck up your friendship? I don't think so. Cause I kind of understood where he was coming from. Okay. Fair. You know, cause they were like crazy where you were like, yo, and it was high school too. So no one's really getting tits at all. And so he was just like, please

a crumb of tits. So like he really needed it was that day and age where like titties were like, you know, there wasn't really like a surplus. No. Like I remember like when I was in high school, there'd be like three chicks with tits. There was like one chick with ass dude with tits, one dude with tits, one teacher with ass. And you're like, and that was like, that was it. That was, and you, but those were the best, the whole food chain. Yeah. Everyone is like good for competition though, dude. Yeah. We have the week dude, dude. It's crazy, bro. Like, do you have a chick in your high school who was like kind of ugly in high school, but then got like super model hot. Oh man. I haven't kept up with a lot of them, but I'm sure one of them is like fucking rockin. That's crazy bro.

Yeah. When you're like at the supermarket like five years later and you just see that chick and you're like, you're like, yo, yo, you're fucking looking good. Yeah. It's crazy, man. You know, just take them like that's what I'm doing in the supermarket. Just staring at her straight down the aisle. It's like fucking silence of the lamps. Yeah. There's a fine line. You got to walk with titties dude before it gets like too creepy. Yeah. Oh yeah. I just like talking about tits. Yeah. You know, when I see him in public, though, I'm gets like too creepy. Yeah. I just like talking about tits. Yeah. When I see him in public though, I'm just like fucking get away. No, I try to like, I don't make like eye contact with anyone

on the subway and shit. One thing that happened to me recently where I was like, I was on the subway and there's like a bunch of chicks. And so I'm just looking down. I'm like, I don't want to be creep staring at anyone. Because I get like fucking like, I don't know, autistic with it or something. I just stare at people sometimes.

Like I'm walking down the street, someone's walking towards me. I just stare at people sometimes like I'm walking down the street Someone's walking towards me. I just stare at them like they can't see me and I and then I'll be like, oh fuck I'm staring at a person they probably think I'm insane And so I was just looking down and then I'm like, what if they think I'm a foot creep though And they I'm looking at their feet. I think was summer people were in sandals and I'm like, where can I even fucking look now? Yeah, yeah, you might be a little autistic man. Maybe it's a little bit in there Yeah, I can see it. I don't I don't I've never got tested and I don't want to I'm rather not know Yeah, just be one of the OGs man. Yeah, yeah one of the OGs raw dog dude

What are they gonna tell you they're gonna be like, hey, you're a little retarded and then you're gonna be like What do I do about it? And they're like fucking you're I don't know you've been doing it Yeah, I mean dude if they studied my brain, they be like, this dude's been retarded for a long time. Yeah. He's made it far, but holy shit. But how did he? It's kind of impressive. Just a completely raw dog.

There was that one really retarded lady that figured out how cows think. Did you ever see that? She made this system to make cows go to slaughter more calmly. And it was like this system of fucking walkways. So they would just walk to it without freaking out and she like could understand cows Crazy she like dedicated her life to it. Yeah, I take it to like Communicating to cows. Yeah, that's a good woman. Man. Yeah. Yeah, that's like the type of woman. I kind of want to marry

Yeah, yeah Someone who just has like a weird obsession like that that is like a hyper fixation chick Who's like locked in on something like hanging around cows Fuckin got a good she's like she's passionate. She's passionate passionate woman. Yeah, she's not afraid of like what other people think no That's what you need man. Yeah, you can't have these like one of these chicks That's like a fucking every time you're going out She's got to get like dolled up in a certain way and stuff you kind of want like a bit a bit of grime on them Yeah, a little bit of blue collar stink. Yeah

and stuff, you kind of want like a bit of grime on them. Yeah. A little bit of stink. A little blue collar stink. Yeah. A little blue collar stink on a chick. Yeah. That's good shit. It's rare to find nowadays, man.

Yeah, it depends on where you go. You're in New York. So it's like, yeah, we're both here in New York. Like you're going to get a certain brand of chick here constantly. And if you want that like blue collar stink, you got to go out to like Minnesota, Wisconsin. You're going to find them more stink there.

Yeah. I mean, when you, uh, dude, my neck has been like, giving me pain from like, uh, looking down so much. Yeah. Like, you know how you're saying you look down on the train. Yeah. Do I do that at the gym? Like I can't. Yeah. You don't want to get caught. Yeah. You don't want to, cause it's everywhere. Yeah. It's everywhere. There's, there's tits. There's like real, and like the best version, like the tightest bods. Yeah. And they're like, and sometimes they're like done up. Do you have anyone doing the phone? Is anyone setting up a phone in there? A phone like doing like an influencer check, setting up her workout.

Yeah, dude, I haven't seen, haven't seen it. No, it's a lot of like Puerto Rican women Yeah, who I feel like have like seven kids But dude, they just look like I don't know how to explain it man. It's like a glazed donut but like tits Imagine like a glazed pair of tits Donut form. Yes. Yeah, I would do that I get exactly what you're talking about. Like if it was your birthday, dude, and I gave you a glazed donut, but it was in the shape

of like double D's, what would you fucking? I mean, I'd probably eat it. But you'd be tempted to fuck it. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I feel, man. Like when I'm out there. Do you like Latina chicks a lot?

I've never met one. Actually. Never banged a Latina chick? I'm never like on a date with one I think I've met a few yeah, and I mean I heard they're pretty crazy man, but can be it's fine Yeah, I like that that little bit of crazy It's good the little bit of crazy is good cuz it's like it's a type of affection. I I need like a chick fucking Thinks you're fucking around and then she like pulls a knife on you. I'm like, oh you really like me That's that yeah, I care is yeah

Yeah, like you want her to be like outspoken about what the fuck's going on her head No matter how chaotic it is cuz you're like, okay. I know where you're at some some chicks just kind of fucking stew I can't deal with a steward You mean like lurking around and shit just like they have something bothering them. They're just and they're they're just sitting on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think when I think of stew, I think of roast beef, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I know what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, man, it's all like part of the journey, I guess. Yeah. I'm sure you, uh, I mean, I'm sure you meet a lot of woman, dude. You know, I do. All right. I do. All right. I got a lady now though. Yeah. I'm locked down I mean, I'm sure you meet a lot of woman dude, you know, I do. All right. I do. All right. I got a lady now though. Yeah, I'm locked down.

Yeah, I'm locked. What does she look like? Dude, she don't mind me. She's cute, man. Cute lady. Yeah. Yeah. You describe her a little bit. Not on the pot. I'm just trying to like paint the like, do you know, like, I mean, obviously, you know, but like, can you tell me like her ethnicity and she's Mexican. Yeah. I mean, obviously, no, but like, can you tell me like her ethnicity and shit? Oh, she's Mexican. Yeah.

Holy shit. Yeah. Oh, holy shit. I didn't expect that. That's wild. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My boy. Wow. Yeah. So can it like we're fucking on either side of the- Oh, shit, man.

Yeah. Wow, dude. That's fucking wild. Yeah, I know. It's crazy. Is she taking like fat shits? Is she taking fat shits? Oh Oh my bad, dude. You said like you don't want to talk about Takes decent-sized shits, I think yeah, yeah my boy Well, my best friend growing up he was a Guatemalan. Yeah, and his sister was a smoke show dude, but she took torpedo shit How do you know you like saw him, dude. You saw you walked in the bathroom after he clogged the toilet. No way. Dude, that's wild. It's

like the only reason I went over his house. Yeah. Hey, she clog it again. I'll be right over my guy. She was a smoke though, dude. Yeah. It's all those beans and shit that they eat, bro. They're taking big shits. Yeah. Latina chicks can fucking take a turn for sure. Dumpers big time, dude. How does a, Oh, I can't talk about my bad, dude. What do you get? Like, you can ask me what it was. It was just, you seem like defensive about it, man. No, no, no. Oh, sorry. I just didn't want to fucking be like her fucking tits. I don to like distribute her like, you know, like hers, like you kind of want to keep it private. Like you keep certain parts of my life private. Yeah. If I was in a relationship, I would never talk about it. Yeah. I would

keep it completely private. But like here I am asking you to disclose, you know, yeah. No, like certain parts of me, like, like relationship family, like my, my relatives and shit. I keep them out of the stuff because they didn't ask to be fucking put on like display. That's good, man. Yeah. Yeah. You know, especially like relationships and stuff. Like if I, if I had a girlfriend and like, you know, obviously just like hypothetically, yeah, man, I would, I wouldn't even put up pictures with her dude Yeah, you know cuz I know how dudes can be I know I'm not really worried about that dudes jerking dudes are gonna jerk, right? No, but it's just like it's cool to keep it private. Yeah, it's like nobody really knows. Yeah, you know, yeah I think that's that can be the move for sure. Yeah, it's pretty sick though, dude. Mm-hmm. Did you um,

Was it like a reason you settled down or I mean I've been dogging for so long dude I've been like There was like a breaking point where I fucked these two like gross chicks back-to-back and I was like, what am I doing? Yeah, I was like, I'm a fucking loser like I like literally they both taste like cigarettes They're both gross and like it was in the same day. One was at like 1 p.m The other one was like 4 p.m. the other one was at like 4 p.m. Yeah, and I was like I was just like dude

I got a fucking clean it up like I had a good run, but it kind of didn't want to become like You know when you watch a fighter fight past his prime and like he's like he's like getting beat up And he's like it's not fun anymore. You're like I kind of feel bad for him It's like yeah, I saw that in the horizon. And I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. So you, um, you like an intimate guy? Like you feel more intimacy now? Uh, I don't know, I guess the same.

That's interesting, dude. Yeah. Like, I mean, like, I don't know, man, like I see hot chicks a lot. Yeah. Because it's like we live in New York City, you know, you see about shows and stuff. stuff. And I think nothing gets me more boned up than like beet juice and like intimacy, man. Beet juice. Yeah. Beet juice bones you up. You ever had it? No, it's for boners. Yeah. It has a nitric oxide. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. You work out at all. Yeah. You're the gym. Yeah. Do you try drinking beat's before a workout? Do you look like a

walking boner? Really? It fucking gets your muscles swole. Yeah. Dude. You'll come out of the closet. I'm telling you, dude, you'll be like, Holy shit. You might even hit me up and be like, you know, but make sure it's like an hour before an hour before. So you got like some time to prep. I'm telling you, dude, you'll be hard as a rock, dude. All right. You'll be doing fucking hip thrusts like fully wreck. Yeah. Oh dude. Okay. Oh fuck. What would Kate know? But you said, uh, if nothing gets you fucking bricked up, like beat juice and intimacy. So you'd like to be close to a lady. Well, like on the podcast and stuff, we always talk about like, you know, like titties and like farts and like shit in our pants and stuff. But at the end of the you know, like titties and like farts and like shit in our pants and stuff

But at the end of the day, I am an intimate guy. Yeah No, dude, I'm just jerking off. But like you're trying to walk one down Well, uh, yeah, I mean that's the goal man. Yeah, you know like I want to I think loves cool Yeah, I mean I'm in love with comedy for. For sure. That's like my first love. So like I, I did meet a girl previously, like a few months ago, man. And I felt something with her bro. And I just like, I just felt it in my penis, dude. Yeah. Like I think that's where it all stems from. It does stem from the deck, dude. The deck is like the, the, it's the first layers of traction. If you don't want to fuck them, then it's like, well, you're not going to get it. It doesn't, it doesn't

go anywhere past that. Like have you ever been, like I was at the supermarket late at night, like two nights ago. Yeah. It was like nine 30 or something. And I'm just shopping for a good meal, man. Yeah. You know, I think I've got some Oikos yogurt and then some morning oats and then I got some crackers and shit. Yeah. And as I was shopping, dude, like the backstreet boys were playing. Yeah. And I was just in the zone, man. And I don't know how to explain it, but I kind of got like, like needles, like pins and needles, bro. From this, from this, from that experience. Yeah. It just like, I don't know if it was nostalgia or something, dude, but I just felt like, Oh, this is like why I'm here. Like

this is what life is. Okay. You felt pumped up about the moment. Something for the first time in a long time. Yeah. And buying morning oats and the backstreet boys, just that combination dude. I don't know if it's cause you know, my mom works at a supermarket and that's kind of like where I grew up. Yeah. I don't know what it was, you know, my mom works at a supermarket and that's kind of like where I grew up Yeah, I don't know what it was man. But that feeling I mean that could be a moment where you're like I'm on the right track Like I'm here. I'm in New York. I'm chasing my dream. I'm doing my shit and fucking you know what just like yeah I I'm realizing it right now Yeah, so not to be like a shitty guy, but I don't know if you've ever felt this way like now that you're settled down

Yeah, do you ever think about like I don't know if you've ever felt this way. Like now that you're settled down, do you ever think about like, I don't know if you have like boys or something that are out there like piping and like making bad decisions and you're like, yo, I'm staying in tonight. Maybe you should have fucking run a good shows or something. Like I'm being like a disciplined dude. So most of my boys who are still dogging are like my boys back home. So like all my boys out here have like ladies. And so I never have that conflict. But I definitely know what you're talking about. Like they're like in general, I'm like cleaning it up a lot. Like I'm drinking less and party and less.

I'm going to the gym more. I'm fucking focusing on the career more. Like I'm trying to lock in as much as possible. Does it feel good? It does feel good. It feels good because I'm like'm letting go of a lot of shit where it's like, that's part, like how old are you? 28.

OK, so like you're like, I'm a couple of years older than you. I'm 32. And so like, the more shit you let go of, and not just letting go of it because it's like, I need to do this, but it's like, I don't even want to do this anymore. It's very freeing. You're like, I don't like, I remember like partying like fucking super hard and doing coke

and like fucking staying out super late and like seeing the sun come up and be like, oh fuck. One night I was with my buddy and we had a bag of coke and I was like, we're finishing the bag. Like we're doing bumps until it's all fucking gone. Your jaw's like, are like doing acid and staying up all night and shit and chasing pussy one time I fucking tried to fuck this Norwegian chick

Oh, and she just kept taking me from bar to bar to bar and was just like fucking stringing me along Took me back to her hostel and then was like we're going to the beach and I had to work that morning I worked as a scuba diving instructor and I I Slept in her bed at the hospital for like maybe 30 minutes and then went to work at the school I slept in her bed at the hospital for like maybe 30 minutes and then went to work at the school Even to have that opportunity is like legendary man, but I never fucked her yeah, that's still Yeah, it's such a cool fucking story, man But I feel like I wanted to like that was driving me before like I was like yeah This is like I like and then it just starts to become exhausting. And also

you start to lose what was good about it. Like those were new experiences when I was doing them. If I did that now, I'd be like, like when I fucked those two fucking ugly chicks, I was like, I've done this before. And maybe the first time was funny. Now it's sad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting, man. I sad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting, man. I, I just like, I used to put myself, I would like watch project X and stuff. Yeah. And you know, like after you watch that, you're like, yo, let's go fucking slurp on some titties. Yeah. And I would try to man. And then like, like I remember fucking the Guatemalan dude who I with who I was talking about Yeah, dude. His dad was like a straight-up gangster, bro. He drove like a blacked-out BMW

Yeah, and we were younger dude. He would always throw like these ragers. They're really are like like project X style ragers. Yeah He would have like a hundred people over they had like a pool do that they like cook and shit and then he had like this huge subwoofer system dude. And me and my Guatemalan friend, we would take fucking bean bags and just throw them and just see who had hit and people would start fighting each other. But yeah, dude, I would always like, so when I was in college, I remember I hadn't seen him in a while and he calls me. Yeah. I'm in my dorm room and he goes, yo, it's my dad's birthday. We're partying like in the city. Yeah. Like roll through. Yeah, dude. So I go, I get like a 12 pack

and I just start shotgunning years alone. Yeah. And I'm like playing music. Yeah. And dude, I shotgun like fucking 10 beers. And I'm like shit it in my dorm room. And he texts me, he goes, yo man, like I'm calling it off. Like it's not looking too good. And that was like my whole college experience. That happened so many times, dude, where I was like, what could have been just fucking so for you to have that experience Dude, it's like pretty sick. Yeah, there was some good. They asked some really good party times where I was like Where I don't know we went hard we did a bunch of drugs and stuff and it was It was it was fucking sick. Then the first like run on the road was good, too It's like you're fucking I don't know strange chicks on the road

There's like a couple times I I like a fuck a dude's girlfriend in front of them or something. Did you say things so casually? It's hard to like process, but wait, hold on. We can't just like, you can't just roll over that dude. Walk me through this. How do you even get put in that situation though? They would just slide in the DMS what the system was always the same. I would like go on to I would like go like I would do the

show and then I would immediately look at my message requests on Instagram. I would just and then it was just who was ever in there who was in there who was in there and then one time was this check and her and she was like, hey can me and my boyfriend come through and you Both fuck me and I was like, yeah, but I had just finished fucking this other chick. I'm like And I just nutted and so they got there and I could like barely get hard Struggling to get my dick up you if you had bee juice, dude, the juice would have been fixed.

Dude, I gotta get on this beach. You should, I'm telling you, man. Are you a big gym guy? Yeah. I go in the mornings. Okay. Right on. Unfortunately, man, I haven't been on the bee juice training in a while, but I got to get back on it. I'm going to try this beat juice thing tomorrow. Dude, I would get the, if you can find like actual beets. Yeah. And just juice them yourself. Yeah, I mean, you can juice them yourself. That'll get you fucking pissed, dicks.

Like, I don't even know, man. Like that'll get you, you'll probably travel into another dimension, dude. Like I'm not that advanced, dude. I bought the powder. You're talking about beet juice. Like I'm not that advanced dude. I bought the powder You can't you can't underestimate Well, I'm like go just juice of yourself. You're like whoa Don't start by juicing them yourself. You got to ease into a man. You got to dilute the beach Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cause it dude, it's not, it doesn't taste good. Yeah. I know you got to mix it with something.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I don't know how you are with like putting hard stuff down, but it doesn't. Yeah. I thought beats were sweet. It's got like this like bitter taste to it.

Okay. Okay. So I think some people like it, but for me, I was like, Oh dude, no, no, I'm pretty decent at that. Like lots of times they'll just eat like slop. You ever do just like protein slop, like cook a bunch of ground beef in a pot and like throw beans and eggs in it. And my whole life.

Yeah. I don't even really have Tupperware anymore. It's just like a mixing bowl. Well, yeah. And you just throw shit in there, put it in there, eat right out of the pot and shit, dude, I love slop man. So like I can eat slop pretty consistently. Like what did I eat today?

Uh, I six hard boiled eggs. And then I took like a bunch of peanut butter and put in a bowl and put blueberries in it. And then I just mix it all up. And it's the one without salt. So you're mixing like crazy shit. Yeah. Do you like you like crunch it up? Like it's all like mushed? No, the blue I keep the blueberries whole. Okay. So each scoop is like but the eggs I'm eating separately. I'll finish the eggs and then I'll go to the blueberries. That's an

interesting do dessert. scoop is like, but the eggs I'm eating separately. I'll finish the eggs and then I'll go to the blueberries. That's interesting. Do they got to study you, man. Such an interesting guy, man. Yeah. But do yeah, that shit rocks, man. If you just throw shit in a mixing bowl. Yeah, dude. Fucking it's the best. Yeah. You just feel like fucking the transformer afterwards.

The other night I was like drunk when I got back. And then there's the bodega close to me. Just started carrying this ramen that I really like. And so I fucking whipped this ramen up. And then I had a pack of ground beef in the fridge and I just threw it in the pot of like while the ramen was sitting there and I just fucking mixed it until it was cooked and just had like a full pound of ground beef in a bowl of ramen and then just fucking slurped it down until I passed out. You're just causing genocide out of your ass dude. It's crazy bro. Oh dude the shit the, it's crazy bro. Oh dude, the shit the next day was fuck bro. Yeah. I've been getting kind of sad lately man. Yeah

Like it used to be funny like taking fat shits. Yeah, but now I'm like literally like putting businesses like in jeopardy Are these shits like emergency shits or they they're just huge. I mean, you do the worst type of shit personally, man. Like the saddest one is before the gym. Yeah. Because it feels uncomfortable. And it's like, dude, the gym I go to, they're like sitting in the gym in the handicap stall. Yeah. It was cause you're going in the morning. You're going before you let the shake come out. It only happens every once in a while, but in my head, I'm like, dude, you gotta take care of this now so that you're not like fucking shit in your pants while you do fucking squats

or something. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that would only fucking help me. I will say, man, it's been like kind of sad and it's, it's making me have these thoughts like aren't good, man. They're not healthy thoughts, but I've always had them. What are these thoughts? What are these shit thoughts? Dude? I used to go to this coffee shop and I would get like a coffee and I would sit like on this leather couch, like alone. And when I would sit there, I would always think about shitting my pants. Yeah. Like with a straight face, just on the leather couch. Yeah. Yeah. And then I would always imagine like an insane asylum crew, like just take me away. And there was like something

romantic about that. Yeah. You like that thought? Yeah. You know? Yeah. Cause it's just like, I've just come like, I've just accepted my fate. Yeah. I sometimes I've never that's very detailed, but sometimes I'll see it like a baby. And I'm like, what if I kicked it? Oh, like I get, like, I don't want to kick the baby, but I'm like, what I'm like, what happens? Like if I just kick a baby, what does like, does this person attack me? Does the whole room come against me? Do I have to run away? Do I get a rest? Like what's the, like my life is on this trajectory. What's that timeline look like after I kick a baby? Has it always been a thought or did this come up like later on in life?

It's always been like, what if something goes horribly wrong? Like there was one time I was at a wedding and I was standing in the aisle and the bride was walking down. And I was like, what if I sneezed on her? I was just like, like in front of the whole wedding. I'm like, everyone, no one, no one misses it. Everyone's looking at the bride and I fucking, or I tripped her or something like that. That I've always had like, what if the worst thing happens?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, does it make you, like I've been kind of going back to my roots and dude, honestly, man, like when we were younger and like kids scream penis and stuff, like you'd obviously get yelled at and they'd be like, that's never going to help you in the real world. Yeah. But I think it could potentially help you a lot. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like if you don't want to talk to someone and you just scream penis, then they're gone.

They're gone. Yeah. All your problems are gone. Yeah. There are some times where like I want to get out of this fucking conversation. Yeah. There's someone hanging around.

You're like, oh, dude, if I could just I could be psychotic enough to scare them away forever. Yeah. Yeah. It takes so much energy, man. Yeah. Like to have a con like have a small talk conversation Oh, dude when you're around like a boring guy. Yeah. Oh, that's the fucking worst shit. And I mean you're we're both comics

So it's like you're hanging out with comedians is like the best Because everyone is like super open and throws all their shit out there Like you're talking about your most personal shit on stage in front of strangers Yeah, and so when you're just hanging out with people, you're like, oh, fucking everything's out there. We're joking about everything. Nothing's off the table. And then you hang out with just normies. And you're like, well, it's like, yeah.

And then I took my son to karate. And you're like, oh, fucking blow my head off. Yeah, you're bleeding sweat, dude. Yeah. I literally start sweating. I'm like, dude, fuck my ass, bro. Like, it's crazy, man. But I feel like a piece of shit, because I'm like, am I like, am I a piece

of shit for feeling that way? Yeah. Or are these people just like not focusing on reality? I think they, you, we live in a special world where we are just around people are open all the time. And we're all like, I don't know if it's damaged, but like we're touched in a certain way where we we're very Open with these certain things and just most people keep Lots of aspects of their life private because it's just the necessity of their life Like most people don't put a ton of their shit out there. And so that that's how they

Navigate through the world. And so I I I just think they're just doing what they regularly do. It's like, they go to work, they have their job, they work on their career, and maybe they have their family or whatever, and they're like, I don't know. Maybe they're open with a couple people in their life, but not fucking just strangers that they meet at whatever get together or something. Yeah, I miss I always had comedians like fuck around and stuff.

Like, I wish there could be a combination of that, like what we're doing right now, but like at like a barbecue. Yeah. You know what I mean? Cause there's nothing better than like cooking some steak and shit and talking about like hypotheticals. Yeah. Like if you're having like a solid fucking rib eye and you're talking about like

jerking off, like circle jerking and like burning a house down. Yeah. Yeah. You got to be the facilitator. Yeah. Like if you want that in your life, you got to be the guy who's like, yeah, okay. Let's get the boys together. Yeah. But dude, if I'm not like my uncle's barbecue and I'm like, yo uncle Jerry, what if I fucking launched an RPG at your house right now? Yeah. He's going to be like, what the fuck? It's like pass away, dude. I'm going to kill my fucking uncle Jerry, dude. But you just got to get the comic boys together. But you got comic boys. No, not really. No, not really. No, I got comic boys. Yeah. So just fucking get them together and be always getting hammered though. And I'm never really, are you sober now? No, I'm not sober. Yeah, we can't talk about this dude. Everyone asked me that

Oh really every pod. There you go. Are you fucking sober? But dude one time I had a I Wish like I mean, what do you do? Like is comedy like full-time for you? Yeah. Yeah Comedy, what are you doing during the day? Writing making content going to the gym Throw meditation in there fucking uh, you meditate into like fucking bang bus or like I tried i'm trying to get off the porn. I did it six weeks. No porn And it ruled you were just using your your mind just the mind mind jerk. Holy shit, dude. It's great

It's like going back to the roots like you were talking about going back to the roots Yellin penis going back to the roots mine only jerk, dude. Yeah one. Have you ever tried? I'm sorry I mean, I'll interrupt you know, but um, like a lot of people I know are meditating dude. Have you ever tried to Like shoot a rope with no hands. No the no-hand jerk is is it possible? It's a fucking myth There's a man who came on this podcast who did it. He said he was inconsolably high though. Okay He said he started like convulsing he was like sweating and shit. Yeah, it's so high. He just shot one out Dude, I still don't believe it. Yeah, that's like the no-hand jerk is a myth like fucking What's his name Marilyn Manson taking his ribs out and shit like it's a it's a like it's a fabled technique

It's like it's like unheard of dude It's like uh, I don't know like the one inch punch or the fucking death touch like like i've heard pray tell Never have it's like a folktale. Yeah, it's like something they fucking sing about exactly like I bet this guy who fucking said he He did the no hand nut. He was also fucking saw Bigfoot and Loch Ness. He's probably not even human No, dude, he's fucking came here from another solar system Yeah, yeah, dude, if I was gonna jerk off with no hands I'd videotape the whole thing Yeah, I knew need proof that you people initially would be like, what the fuck? And then they would see it happen. And you know, even like the lowest creatures, maybe it is like it's possible, but you need to be on a higher plane. Yeah.

Maybe it is like you need an advanced cause I see like I've seen monkeys jerk off. I've seen like manatees jerk off, which also answers the question. I used to think, when did we start jerking off? I was like, who was the first one discovered? And I was like, Oh, it was before like frontal lobe. Like it was before like, like sense of self. We were jerking off. I mean, nobody's talking about it though. Like you don't find that in the history books. Yeah. I feel like that's what we should be focusing on. Well, it might've just been such a constant that they're like, we're jerking off. It's like, of course we're jerking off. Everyone's jerking off.

I mean, everyone back then was probably uncircumcised. So it's like... Some, yeah. But they talk about in the Bible and shit, you shouldn't jerk off. For real? Back then they were like, no jerking, dude. Yeah, but people were still committing their fucking atrocities and shit. Oh yeah. People were still jerking. But maybe to get to the no-hand jerk, I was thinking it would be like the opposite. Like an animal would get to the no hand jerk,

but it's like, maybe it needs to be an even higher level of consciousness. Maybe we need to be fourth, fifth dimension, smoke a little DMT, speak to like an astral plane. Then you attain the ability to jerk off no hands. I would wanna know what the thought you would have to have would be to shoot a rope with no hands. I would want to know what the thought you would have to have would be to shoot a rope with no hands. That's true because when I jacket memory only, like my fucking ADHD brain is bouncing all around

and like it's hard to sometimes just focus on one thing. Yeah, I mean what's like your go-to thought when you're trying to blow one out? Go-to? I usually just go through a catalog of like old porns I've seen. I think I go back to like the source, like some limewire porns. I've seen. If I like put a gun to your head, though, and I

was like, dude, you have until dawn to know one out, no hands till dawn. You see the fucking sun coming out. I Think that's like you're already setting yourself up for failure because this the no-hand jerk Needs to be a calm state if I'm in heightened anxiety because I think I'm gonna die. There's no way I'm telling you dude like Hand like Hail Mary Last thought yeah, like at least give it an attempt. Like, what are you thinking about?

Oh, what am I thinking of? What's the go-to thought? Go-to thought of like, Hail Mary, what am I thinking? Like, no lie, no lie. No lie, no lie. I'm really locking down on it. I'm like going through the whole fucking catalog. Yeah, yeah.

You're going through the playbook, too. Yeah, exactly. It's like, like, I'm like, fucking catalog yeah going through the playbook yeah exactly like in the fucking matrix right now dude I think I would probably go to maybe one of the old school Heather Brooke pornos remember Heather? That's so funny. I think that's where it would go. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I would probably just think about like one time I fucking ripped ass in class and this chick who had a crush on started like crying laughing dude. Yeah. And I got like fully wrecked. This is like middle school though. Yeah.

Something about like farting on your balls and then getting a boner. Yeah. I think that's because that would be the last thought I had before I passed away. So I would want it to be like noteworthy. Yeah. It's like you're at least if you're it was like one of the one of the precious moments of your life. It's really just the small things man. Yeah. Like it wouldn't be like an anal gangbang or anything like that. It would just be like something small like that. Like true love. An anal gang bang.

Dude, one time I saw this anal gape video, it was like, it was on the front page like Pornhub or something. And it was called anal gape compilation. And this, it was like all these different fucking anal capes and stuff. And then at one point, this chick's gaping her butthole. And another chick came in with a tape measure and measured how big her anal caped.

No, no, no. Little asshole cape they put on it like an apron. They came in with a fucking tape measure. Yeah, to show you exactly how big it was. Are you good with videos like that? Like you can like watch them like without. I mean, I'm not jerking off to that. That's more of like a spectacle. I I mean, I'm not jerking off to that. That's more like

Like a spectacle. I'm like, what is what's going on here? I need to see this every now and again You're scrolling the main page and you see something you're like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. Yeah Sometimes I laugh when I jerk off dude, which I guess is healthy Should like random thoughts Yeah Like I watch like a passion HD porn and I'll think about the dude like running into the room with like an automatic assault rifle and just like fucking shooting everywhere. What's what's a passion HD? University passion HD.

No, no, dude. Just type it in man. It's like emotional porn. It's like a guy comes home like after a long day of work and is like he's got like rose petals on his fucking balls and shit. Yeah, it's good stuff, man. It's really like slow. Oh, I thought I thought this was gonna go in the direction of he like catches his wife cheating or something. Oh, no, it's like two

people in love. It's like really intimate. Oh, really? Yeah, they got some og bang. You you are you were serious about you look for intimacy in your life. Passion HD man is kind of like the go to it's not really like, I mean, it used to be the go to but I think patience is a big thing with spanking. Yeah, I remember when I played baseball, I met this dude. And I told him I like stole my I didn't steal my mom's credit card, but I just signed up for Brazzers with my

mom's credit card. She didn't really know what it was. Yeah, thought it was like for for textbooks or something. But he told me, he was like, dude, you have to watch the porno from the beginning. You have to ease into it. Because everyone just fast forwards. It's like if you just ease into it, it'll change your life forever.

And if you do that with a Passion HD video, you might shoot a rope before any sex even happens. Wow. Just the build up, the connection is worth it. Yeah. Mm. I might have to, you know, I'm trying to go back on no porn. Because I was on, I did like the six weeks no porn.

Yeah. And then I went and partied a bunch. When I was partying, I'm like, I know when I'm hungover, I'm going to be fucking jerking off for sure. Afterwards or? Oh, yeah, afterwards. Like when you're, when I'm in the hangover, like I'm beating my shit, dude.

I love beating shit hungover. Wow. Hungover, eat fried rice, and beat your shit is like top 10. Damn, dude. I love beating shit hung over. Well hung over, eat fried rice and beat your shit is like top 10. Yeah, it is a good combination. Yeah. But now I'm like, maybe before I take this like vow of not celibacy of like anti, not anti, but like a porn cleanse. Maybe I do a passion HD one run. The way I think about that though, dude, it's kind of like, I think about doing that sometimes, but I know I'm just going to go back to spanking. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think it's like anything. It's like boozing or it's any sort of like something that releases dopamine in your brain. Sugar. It's like, yeah, you're going to have it sometimes, but when you run it back though, dude, you're going to be taking out light. Like fucking yeah. When you run it back, it's the greatest. That's the honestly what it gets you back every time is you'll stop though

I've done like three or four months no porn, but then I remember I'm like, yeah, but if I watch porn now I'm gonna fucking like shoot a hole in the wall. Yeah, it's gonna be crazy Yeah, that's kind of like why you do it. Yeah for that moment for that build up. Yeah, that's a good point Mm-hmm. I just I think I was gonna do that for oh Social media I did that once. Yeah, I took I w was it going to do that for, Oh, social media. I did that once. Yeah. I took a whole summer off from social media sick. And I felt good, but I just felt lonely, man. You felt lonely. I felt lonely, dude. Cause I guess that's how everyone's connected and talking. We weren't even using like, like MSN messenger or anything

like that or not MSN, but fucking Facebook messenger. No, man. I would go out into this fucking open field and like a drag a sled, dude. Like, like a workout. Yeah. Okay. And that was sick. Yeah. I think I saw a chick there once. Um, I mean it goes back to like what I said, even about like getting trunk by myself, man, like I would always go to places where there's just no titties and think about titties being there. Yeah. You know, I used to run every day. And then I'd go to a track and just

think about how cool it would be to meet a chick while I'm doing fucking wind sprints, you know? Yeah, dude. That is a great motivator. Yeah. Yeah, it is, dude. There's a hot chick just floating around the gym. You just lift 15% more.

You do. Actually, yeah. Yeah. If you're wearing a polo, too, dude. Yeah, a polo. Yeah. Dude, you got to go to yeah if you want a polo to do yeah Did you got to go to the gym wear a polo I just drink bee juice before this I'm a big I like the sweater at the gym the sweater with the fucking like oversized one I don't know. I don't care. It's over so I can just be like one like this

Yeah, and I'll just fucking throw the hood up and then just like the weightlifting belt over top of the sweater and just I feel like fucking just contained. What gym are you going to? I'm just a blank fitness guy. Okay. I've never been. I've heard about it. It's fine.

It's a commercial gym. There's one just close to my house. So it's like, why not? Like I would rather go to like the most convenient gym because that's a big part of getting the gym is convenience. Like if you have to go, the more barriers you create, the fucking law, it's a pain in the ass to go and you get lazy with it and shit. Yeah. That whole journey though, going to the gym is like half of my life. Yeah. It's like all I look forward to. Yeah. Just

drinking pre-workout dude and thinking about tits. Yeah. Like I'm just getting the beat juice jacked up. Yeah. Jacked up and then just be like fucking yeah Yeah, it sucks though. Everyone thinks the gym is gay No, man fucking people like this like what's that fucking place planet fitness type mentality of like Oh, you can't like be good at the gym or something. It's like you shouldn't be healthy and strong and stuff I think most gym environments are like actually supportive and people are like, yeah, let's go work out. Let's be healthy. Yeah. It's like, just don't be a fucking piece of shit. It's like a place where like, uh, I mean, we're talking about like fucking around like comedian talk and shit. Like I always think about like coming up to dudes at the gym and

kind of just like cracking a joke or something. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like what is like, I know it's not going to end well. Yeah., you know, it might you might be like, yo We're palling out Like I always think about going up behind a dude when he's squatting with like a foam roller and just like pretending to like Shove it up his ass. Yeah, that's not gonna go well. No, that's fucking you're done. Yeah, you're done, dude but one thing I really want to do man is like Walk by a dude who like I don't really know who like I was like a comedian or something Yeah, who i've never met before like if we didn't know each other and I saw you at the gym and

I walked by you, I just gave you, gave you one of those. Yeah. You know? Yeah. That'd be good. I think I would respond to that if you're like, really? I think he won back. He would just be like, I think I would give you a thumbs up. Yeah. That would make me feel like shit, man. I'd be like, you did it feel like shit. I'd be like you did it again, dude I Be like yeah, I do fucking sick. I like working on because the gym there's so much funny shit that you go down at the gym Yeah, you know, it's such a tense environment Everyone's like no one's like interacting everyone's fucking being like I'm not going into your space. Don't go my space

Yeah well If you like if you fell off the treadmill or something Would you kind of just dip cuz I think if I fell off the treadmill I would just start fucking doing crazy shit Just start like throwing haymakers like pull my pants down cuz I know I'm never coming back That's what I would yell. I'm never coming back. Dude. I think, uh, fucking I would try to be like, it depends. Like how far, like, let's say I plan to do 30 minutes of cardio.

No, I'm talking full out sprint full out. You fall and you eat it and you fucking If it's the beginning of my work out, I think I almost I Go I go back on But if it's like if I'm 20 minutes into 30 minutes of cardio I go well that's my sign to get the fuck out of here dude. Yeah. Yeah that would be sick dude if you were like fucking run it back. Yeah dude. You think you can beat me? Like this is all fucking premeditated. Yeah dude. Yeah. You guys I do it as like a motivational thing to the rest of the people in the gym You think that falling off the treadmill means you get to quit?

That'd be funny you're just like am I fucking gay Something so funny it's like the whole effort thing. Like if you're given an all out effort, something bad happens to you. It's the best thing. It's the best thing to watch someone just fucking totally fucking eat it. Dude. I remember I was going to an open mic once and like the fucking commute to an open mic bro is like the saddest journey. And it was over by like NYU.

And I'm like walking down the road and there's this group of hot chicks walking towards me and this fucking guy goes by on a fucking like an electric city bike. Yeah. He's fucking eat shit in front of the hot chicks. Yeah. And he just like fucking gets up. I'm thinking to myself like dude if that was me man I would be doing the craziest shit I'd fucking scream penis dude like I'd lose my fucking mind bro there's no way I'm just I Would fucking let out everything bro like all that pent-up shit would just come out I'm like it's not that fucking small

Yeah, you just got back on and I was like dude you don't have a lot of options man, I know dude dude Yeah dude, if you were a He's go this gym called the fit factory. Yeah, it was just like It's still around. It's literally like the shittiest like all the equipments from like fucking shot. It's just like the shittiest Yeah, one time I was benching dude They had fucking like hooks, I don't know like, you know those fucking hooks like they're like V hooks kind of yeah You put the bar on. Yeah, do these things were like put on by like legit, like small nuts. Yeah. But dude, so like I put up the bar and it

fucking like almost falls on me and I'm like, Oh shit. Yeah. So like the screw was loose. And I remember going to the front desk and like, yo, like, can you guys tighten that? Like I'm just fucking dropped a bomb on my neck. Yeah. And they go, yeah, we'll take care of it. And like, dude, next day I fucking went back, bro. Same thing. I was like, yo, fuck this place. Yeah. I'm going to fucking die in here. Dude, literally just fucking like drop the bomb on my neck. Yeah. And then dude, so I hop on the stair master one day and there's like the super hot chick next to me. Nice. And I'm jacking it up. Dude. I'm going fucking fast bro. And the fucking belt breaks on the stair master dude. And I just fucking fall bro. Yeah. And I just fucking left. Yeah. I never went back. Yeah. I literally

cancel my membership. Dude. Just never went back. I was like, fuck this dude, I'm out here. Dude, yeah, almost dying. That was like probably like if there's a fucking higher power, they were like, hey, you shouldn't work out here. And then they're like, we gotta hit him where it hurts. They're like, we gotta put the baddie in there, put the babe in there and then fucking have him eat shit on the stair master.

Have you ever like on stage, have you ever like had something like happen to you where you're like, fuck man, like, no, how do I get out of this? I don't nothing too brutal. You do a lot of crowd work and shit like yeah, and I've had some bad bombs for sure. Everyone's had like fucking bombs. Dude, my work my fiber my first bomb. So I just started doing stand up. I started doing stand up in Mexico.

I was living out there. That's where scuba diving. So I moved out there to be a scuba diving instructor. So you do have connections to Mexico. I kind of, yeah. Yeah. And so I was, I was working out there and I was also doing the scuba diving. I was also bartending. And so I was bartending at this French Canadian sports bar. They would show like the fucking Canadians hockey games and all these French Canadians would come watch the game there who were like snowbirds who flew down yeah and so you would sell like poutine and like fucking French Canadian food so the guy who worked there knew I was doing stand-up and he was like hey you should come here and do a stand-up during intermission of the

hockey game and so I did I got there they couldn't hook up the mic to the sound system so I yelled a comedy set at like 150 French Canadians who barely spoke English Yeah, and I just bomb Dude for like fucking ten minutes bombs so hard bombs so hard I went to the to the bar after and this guy was like, let me get you a drink man Yeah, it was a fucking brutal dude, but like that's crazy You've been to it for like a while and no one's ever like threatened to fight you or anything Or like some crazy like that. No, like I had this one lady

I remember a while ago who just went shut up and I was like trying to fucking be like hey shut up and she's Like pointed at her husband like he'll kill like I don't think she said he'll kill you but he'll deal with you kind of Thing and I was like he doesn't want any he wants you to shut up. Yeah I'm that I've that's the only one I remember kind of being something. Yeah, that's pretty sick, man Yeah, do you what do you wish would happen? No, I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think you want that Why have you had someone try to like fuck with you on stage? I know now I've never I'm not like a big crowd work I'm just like jokes and get the fuck out. Well, even when I'm crowd working someone like I Like I'm just be, I'm usually pretty

fucking light with it. Like I'm not going to say, I'm not one of those dudes who's like, what's the most fucking upsetting like offensive thing I can say to you. I'm like, we're on the same side. We're having fun together. How would you like describe your, uh, like your fans? Oh, my fans rule man. Really? Yeah. They're all like, I have a pretty wide range. Cause I just basically like talk about like comes. So I'll get everyone from like the bro is fucking backwards hat dudes wearing plaid who are

like, yeah, pussy. And then I'll get like fucking gender neutral dudes who get pegged by their girlfriend. Like I get the huge respect because I don't comes a binder brings everyone together. Everyone likes to come. Seriously, man. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like those are the best types of people too. Yeah. They might be like matured during the day, but I would say the thing that links them all is they're all just there to have a good time. Like whenever the common response I get from people who open for me is like your crowds are fucking awesome. They're not like, I don't know, like Shitty or stuck up or like that you can get away with pretty much anything like in either direction They're not like going to be like that was offensive there. They're just like yeah, let's fucking get fucked up and laugh And i'm like, yeah, yeah, damn. Just be like pretty proud of it, too. Yeah, it's great

I'm really happy of the people who enjoy the shit I make how um My fucking dog snoring dude, we can hear I can't hear him your dog rules has your dog been on the pod No, he'd fucking fuck everything up dude. He if you guys don't like crazy, dude, you'd be pissed off He I mean he's got a little dog hair on me, but I don't give a fuck dude I love dogs so every time I get a pet dog at rules and you have a Bulldog yeah, like dude Bulldogs Rule bro. Yeah, like they all he just like I pet him a bit and then he was like fucking body ramming me to be like Yo, we're not done here. He'll rough you up. Yeah, he's like let's you work. We're hanging out trying to wrestle and shit

Yeah, and I'm like, yeah fuck dude. This guy's the man dude. Bubb is a bubbs the man dude. Yeah but yeah, it's definitely a looking for a new place to live, man. It's just kind of, cause like I decided to get a dog. Like that was a decision I made that changed the rest of my life. You know, like couldn't find a lot of apartments cause they don't fuck with dogs. Yeah. Fair. Even the apartment I landed on, dude, they had to meet Bob.

Yeah. They were like, just bring them and like, see if he's like well behaved. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, he's obviously like, he's the fucking man. So it's like, they just saw him and they were like, what is this thing? Yeah. Just looking at this little guy and he's just like, yeah, he doesn't bark or anything. He's chilling. Yeah. But I get like scared sometimes I'm going to lose him. Yeah, even when I first got him, there was a dude across the road who was like, yo, like he was like, yo, don't bring that thing

near my brother. And I was like, what? And he was like, yeah, man, like my brother used to have one and it passed away. And like anytime he sees an English Bulldog, he like breaks down. Yeah. I feel like I would probably end up like that.

Yeah, dude. That is like when you have something in your life that you really Legitimately love you this whole new Emotion is birthed where you're like, oh, I'm in constant like not constant But there is like a an underlying fear of like what if something happens to this? Yeah, like you're like, you know Like You have like a tough set or something when you come home, you can like talk to your

chick about it. Right? Yeah. Can be like, yo, like they weren't having it tonight. Yeah. For sure. Like I never really had that. And then I got Bob and I was like, you know, if I have like a bad night or something, if I like bomb my tits off, I can come home and just kind of like, like, he doesn't say anything, but I can just like cud Cuddle with him dude chill with him. Yeah, it's like the unconditional love type thing Yeah, you know and if you don't have that dude, you might you might be fucked. Yeah, you know I think well I think it's important to have something in your life that you fucking care about outside of comedy That's not just like I don't know going to the gym or something

Like having that like person to person or person to animal or whatever type of fucking connection is is good for your soul like It's I don't know. I've never really cared about like I don't know being famous or making a bunch of money and stuff I've just always not always but since I've started I've loved doing stand-up and I've just been like The goal has never been to like I want to get a I want to get famous or rich. I was like, I just want to get funnier I don't want to keep working at it and see what my potential is at this and just keep working at it. And so that satisfaction of accomplishing something

is great. And you also get a satisfaction or a happiness out of just human connection, hanging with your friends without anything. Me and my buddies will go up to my friend's cottage. He actually just messaged me about it because I missed this one this past year. But he's like, these are the dates for next year and or that later this year and

he's like we just go up there and it's like ten comics and we fucking eat mushrooms and go on hikes and then drink and go to the to the beach and Stay at my buddy's like shitty cottage where the toilet doesn't work You have to ride a bike down to the beach because there's a toilet down there. Nope. No phones or anything. You have your phone, but there's a really shitty signal. So you're not really getting anything on your phone. And so we're just fucking making a fire, a barbecue and hanging the fuck out. And it's like, I'm like, this is I've done cool. Like I got to ride on a yacht the other day and it was like a bunch of people partying on it. And I was like, this is fun. Like it's fun. I'm having

a good time, but I'm like the cottage is a hundred times better than this. Cause because of the human, like the interaction. These are the people I know. And it's like, you don't need to do this on like an ex in an expensive extravagant way. You can do the, with you have the good people you care about the bare minimum is all you really need. Yeah. When you're not doing that, how are you like

if you need like a reset, like what are you you doing? Like, where are you going? Reset, dude. Um, a reset, usually I'll fucking like super indulge. And like, I will eat a bunch of garbage, play a bunch of video games. Like when I really need to like, say I came back, like I, I just booked a ton of dates for Canada. So I'm going gonna be on the road for like 20 days straight. And they're gonna embrace you with open arms. I would hope so. Come back to the motherland. And after that I'm probably gonna go home and spend like two or three days jerking off, playing video games and ordering takeout and doing fuck all else.

And then when I get out of that then I go okay now I can go back to the gym go back to my regular Routine get back to my regular shit Because that that's how I reset it's just like a fucking I need vegetative state Yeah, I feel like what you just described. I feel like I'm doing too much like on the weekends I'm just like I'm doing too much. Like on the weekends, I'm just like, I'm going to the gym, but that's I'm doing that alone. And then I'm jerking off obviously in playing war zone and stuff. I need to work more on like the human connection thing. Yeah. You know, and it was easier when I lived with my mom and shit. Cause like my boys back home,

I mean, we could go golfing, you know? And if you've ever been golfing, dude, with one of your boys at like Twilight or something, it's like the best thing in the world. Just going golfing with the guys, man. It's like, where's back home for you, Rhode Island. Okay. So not that far, but yeah, man, there's like a golf course near my mom's place, you know? And I just like go Twilight golf in there. He just golf as much as you can before the sun sets, but just golfing with my boy, man, and just talking about like tits and shit, like retarded stuff for like two and a half hours.

It'll just reset your brain. But like if I'm alone playing fucking war zone, like jerking off, shit, if you're doing shit alone, it's like you need human interaction. As much as it sucks, it's like. do you have good boys out here not really man unfortunately no have you is there been because okay this I used to I had this I wouldn't yeah I guess it was like it was my own issue was when I left Mexico I didn't want to make new friends I was like I'm done making friends because

working in tourism you say hello and goodbye to so many people. Cause most people will like work for a season. So you would know someone for six months and you would like bond with them and be like, yo, I really fucking like this person. They're a cool person. And then they would leave.

And that happened again and again and again for like six or for three years. And I had a boss who, my boss at the dive center I worked at would never come to the going away parties when someone was leaving. I was like, why? And she's like, you don't know how many people I've said goodbye to.

And then by the time I left Mexico, I got it. So when I moved to Toronto to do standup, I was like, I don't want to make any friends. Like I'm tired of that. And so I spent a couple years in Toronto kind of not really connecting with anyone, maybe like a year and a half. And I remember sitting at my security job on New Year's Eve. And I was like 24, 25.

And I was like, fuck, I'm a 24 or 5-year-old dude. And I don't have anyone to hang out with on New Year's Eve. I'm working this shitty security job. I was like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, and so I thought about who who have I hung out with who I Like like who I was like this person was fucking cool Yeah, and it was this dude who was my roommate and I reached out to him was like hey man

Do you want to go like see a movie and then we went to go to a movie and that became like a core part of our Friendship, he's one of my best friends in the world. And we would just go to like, we went to go see Deadpool or some shit. And so like all the Marvel movies would go see, we go see any dumb blockbuster. And that was like a core part of our friendship. And that made me realize when I meet someone, I go, I like this person. I was like, it's on me to put in the effort to establish that friendship and to try and maintain it and to hold onto those connections. And it takes like, how long you been in New York? Two years now. I bet there's someone I've moved. So I moved from, I grew up in like this town, maybe an hour outside of Vancouver.

Then I moved to this town on the coast. Then I to Mexico then I moved to Toronto and then I moved here Yeah, and I it's always it was like a year and a half two years and that was when I was like, okay I had this I'm this is my guy. Yeah And so I there's got to be someone who you've interacted with who you can reach out to be like hey man You want to fucking hang out? Yeah, it's um, I Feel like a lot of the comics I'm surrounded by are older. And I don't mean that in like, uh, not like in a bragging way or anything. It's just like everyone's older. So they have like a family and kids, which is cool. Like I know some dudes you have like a family and kids and they're still down to kind of chill and stuff. I think it's just the idea of like a lot of the dudes in comedy

kind of like they really like small talk man and like going out to bars. Yeah. Kind of just not doing stuff, but just sitting at a table and just and you want to do something to me. That's like going to like a family party. Like that's like, I want to fucking blow my tits off. You want to go golf and you want to fucking, yeah. Like I think in my head, I'm like, dude, I want to like actually fucking do something. Yeah. And I think there are some people out here, man, who like are down for that, but everything's so like transactional dude. Everybody's so like, I've met a lot of people who are like, if you can't offer me something that I don't want to be around,

Speaker 0 4.50 because of the industry where you're going to, because of the industry word, you're going to meet a lot of people like that. And the, the good skill to have is just your ability to identify it as long as you can scope that out. Then it really, it saves you a lot of bullshit and it sounds like you can, and you can't take it personally. It's just, that's we're in an industry that attracts that. People want to be famous

They want to move up. They're not doing not a lot of not I shouldn't say not a lot some people It's actually a minority of people in this a minority of people in this aren't doing this to be good at the craft or be Be funny or improve they're doing it because they want clout or fame or whatever the fuck So identifying that helps you cut those people out. But then like I said, you have to be the instigator on That friend or those friends that you want to spend time with for that human connection It'd be a little more proactive and to initiate it in a way that you want like hey, let's go fishing Let's go golfing. Let's go. Whatever the fuck the activity is You're like, I don't really like chillin like just sitting around shooting the shit having beers

And so you do you got to take that you're you're in control of that in your life like chilling like just sitting around shooting the shit having beers and so you you got to take that you're you're in control of that in your life. That's true man. It's a good point. I started sending some texts to send a couple texts you up want to hang out or play warzone with a fucking boy like just fucking get on with your boy on fucking warzone so you're at least talking shit with someone. Yeah. Yeah, one of my buddies we stream Twice a week every week and our streams never do crazy numbers, but it's some of the best parts of my week It's just me connecting with my fucking boy

He's having a kid soon and we're just like fucking playing Marvel rivals and fucking around and then like we're just trying to climb the Competitive ranks and I only play comp with him. And so it's like, we're like in it together, like fucking let's move on. I'm still doing that with my boy back home. Like we're still ripping war zone and shit. I just mean like being outside, you know, cause if you're in a dark room ripping games, it's kind of, yeah, it's not good dark sometimes. Yeah. But it is still always going to be a part of my life. Yeah. Oh, I'm never going to stop playing video games. Yeah. Yeah. But dude, part of my life. Yeah. Oh, I'm never gonna stop playing video But dude, thank you for coming man. No, I appreciate it. Dude. I hope I hope this was good

Yeah, yeah, I just realized you're fucking sweatshirts as pillow talk. Oh, yeah, dude This is I mean, I fucking should have taken it. I mean, I don't think people give a fuck It's my buddies podcast, but it's my favorite sweater. It's so fucking comfy. It's so good like a hundred percent cotton I don't know. I don't know what it's made out of but it's just good sweater. It's so fucking comfy. It's so good like a hundred percent cotton I don't know. I don't know what it's made out of but it's just good quality. It's like come Yeah, but I felt I when I was coming here. I was like I shouldn't wear another podcast. It's not my podcast Yeah branding onto a podcast, but then I was just I was just wearing the sweater and I fucking forgot about me We all have that one sweater do that we were it's I fucking love it, dude I wear the sweater everywhere. I just traveled with it to fucking,

I was just in, where the fuck was I? I was in Madison, wore it to Madison. I didn't bring a jacket, I just had this. The only thing I went doing it is work out in it because I actually like it. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, man, where can people find you? All platforms, Chaytorina, C-H-E-D-U-R-E-N-A.

You can find all my tour dates at chaytorina.com, C-H-E-D-U-R-E-N-A. a cheater and a C H E D U R E N A. You can find all my tour dates at cheater and a.com C H E D U R E N A. You can find my podcast dark holes on all platforms. If you want to get the exclusive, if you want to get the exclusive episodes, go to gas digital. They gather on the gas digital network, use offer code J to get those exclusive episodes. Fuck. Yeah, dude. It. Nice to meet you, bro. Yeah, you coming man. Thanks for having me man. And thank you guys for listening.

I'm moving this week. So hopefully I can get some new episodes out soon, but I will, I will try my best and thank you guys for listening.