The Johnny Salami Podcast - Chris Warren

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

Chris Warren by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Fuck. Good sound test? Yeah.

I just got that, dude. That thing's fucking sick, dude. I like the LCD screen there. Yeah thing is nice fucking sick dude I like the the like LCD screen there yeah I was I was with the last night man and it's like uh it's like retard proof dude like it walks you through everything like step by step do these like these have drops on them beat drops yeah dude we usually spit I don't know I guess you don't have We usually spit. I don't know if you're seeing that. I don't know.

I guess we don't have... I assume it was a sick beat, dude. I think you have to, like, pre-set them to, like, whatever you want. Gotcha. I haven't looked through the options, though. But, yeah, usually when someone says something that relates to the drop, you hit it. You know? I probably have some that are like, you know, that's what she said. Classic.

I think I'll do one that's like, that's what she said. And then the rest will just be like orgasm sounds. I think the rest should just be the N word. Okay. I can't say it, but boop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Like a white guy saying the hard R, but it's not you.

It's a different white guy. So you're like, he's the racist. But it is applicable to this situation starting off hot dude yeah i think that's good you do look like a member of fucking duck dynasty too i get that a lot yeah well today i look crazy because i didn't realize it was raining yeah so i just walked in the rain and then i met your dog and now i'm just wet and covered in dog hair i look like a homeless person. Yeah. It's a good look. I think it's a good look.

How many boats do you have? I got zero boats. Zero boats? No boats. You ever been on a boat? I've been on a boat or two. What type of boat, dude? Like a yacht.

Okay. Wow, dude. Just fucking balling out. I mean, it wasn't my yacht. You were just chilling on it? I was just chilling on the yacht. Were there, like, titties on it? There were covered titties, but there were definitely some titties on the yacht.

But there were tits. Oh, yeah, there were tits. Dude, that's fucking sick but there were definitely some titties on the yacht. But there were tits. Oh, yeah, there were tits. Dude, that's fucking sick, man. I mean, listen, everywhere I go, there are tits. I go to the Dunkin' Donuts, there are tits there. But a yacht, bro? Yacht tits? How many square feet it has to be to be considered a yacht?

Couldn't tell you. I think it's like if it's over 50 feet long, it's technically a yacht. It goes from big boat to yacht. I've heard some fucking, I don't know what they call them, dude. Sailors. Some seasoned seamen. I've heard some boaters get pretty fucking...

You think so? It sounds like those boaters over there. They are always at the dock. They're always talking shit to each other. About the length. It's almost like penis size, but for boats. You know what they are always at the dock. They're always talking shit to each other, you know, about, like, the length. It's almost like penis size, but for boats. You know what I'm saying? Exactly.

And you're right there, so you can just talk shit to each other because they're always lined up. Oh, yeah, like those pontoon boats. That's always fascinated me because I've always lived in the northeast, but apparently down south, like in the lakes and stuff, they'll just, like, tie off tie off like 20 pontoon boats together and just make a party barge like a circle jerk with boats yeah it sounds insane to me like you just walk through the different pontoon boats like they're all like a flotilla well uh i mean i've been on boats they're just lined up next to each other and it's like you just hop from boat to boat as long as like the owners chill with it most owners are pretty chill with it unless you're fucking you know doing crazy shit can i smoke crack on your boat real quick

keeps getting wet in the water there's nothing like a boat vibe though dude especially when there's tits man if i ever make money man you know if i ever break even that's now see you don't need to make money what i what i early in life, and I still practice now, is you just got to have wealthy people take you on as their pet poor person. That's how I got on that yacht. Oh, wow. I was raised right with private

school and stuff. I understand the etiquette, but now I'm poor. I have enough class to behave at the dinner so they can bring me along so they bring me along as like their pet poor person to show off how like diverse they are they know a white guy who doesn't have money like that's the level of diversity they'll tolerate a lot so someone's like how much money do you have and you're like not a lot but like oh wow you're so brave yeah you're

like i got a lot of fucking respect though yeah it was great a lot of respect for these tits dude there were a lot of tits on that yacht. That's how I got on that yacht. Yeah, I was a pet poor person of someone who... Was it like a lot of moms or like more so like people your age? All moms. All like hot, like middle-aged rich couples. So I guess young money because, you know, people with millions and like at 45.

That's when you were yelling on the boat? Young money. That was back when I was drinking. I was misbehaving on that yacht. Oh, yeah? I was crushing mimosas. Really? Were people chanting your name?

Not in a positive way. They're like, get that guy off the fucking boat. You're too far out to sea for them to... Yeah, and I was just bullying all the moms to give me their Xanax. Oh, really? I was like, listen, I'm going to go through the shakes in about 30 minutes if you don't give me your Xanax, okay? I haven't had cocaine in 30 hours. Doesn't Xanax make you sleep?

Oh, Xanax is so good. No, Xanax is probably one of my favorite drugs. When you mix it with alcohol? That's the best. I mean, you can have a heart attack, but you got to really work at it. Because people always say like,

oh, you got to stop mixing those. You're going to have a heart attack and die. And it's like, hey, I'm drinking to die at this point. That's, you know, what I'm'm doing but i used to drink like a bottle of vodka and maybe like six seven xanax every night like that was my and i wasn't doing anything fun like i would sit alone in my apartment watching children's movies because that's all i could like follow the plot of so just be me like on xanax half a bottle of vodka deep crying to

the movie up wow and that was a whole era of my life you ever watch like spongebob or anything like that oh yeah the spongebob movie they all cry when they start when they're like they're shriveling up and they're singing about being goofy goobers you're just bawling your eyes out bawling my eyes out like i wish my dad had loved me i mean dude i'm bawling my eyes out to that sober man you know yeah the one time i went on a boat my neighbor's boat and she would park it right outside of this fucking huge bar and everyone would go there for like the fourth of july so there's dude it is titty city and dude everyone's trying to be the mayor of titty city you got it you know what i'm

saying and uh dude so i show up to this boat and at the time my boss was on the boat, happens to be friends with my neighbor. So I show up with, like, a bottle of tequila. I just see my boss, who I'm going to see tomorrow at work. And I'm just like, what's up, man? What's going on? He's like, hey, what's up, man? And, like, dude, probably two hours in, we're all so cocked that he's, like, he's got a hose. And he's just spraying chicks that are

like bent over in front of him with a straight face like he's not smiling seriously like watered yeah it was almost like it was a task like got kicked off the chores yeah water the sluts it was my buddy was like bro that's that guy's fucking creepy man yeah if you're doing with joy you're like a fun pervert if you're doing it with joy, you're like a fun pervert. If you're doing it with a straight face, you're like a scary pervert. Oh, dude. There's a difference. It was scary, bro.

It was, you know. If I'm hosing down asses, I'm going to be fucking. Just zero joy in his eyes. Screaming at least one fucking, you know, something. You know what I mean? At least smirking. At least one N-word. I'm going to scream.

I can't believe he would do that, but, you know. Yeah. So did you put in your name in the ballot for mayor of Titty City that day? Mayor of fucking Fatty City, dude. Nice. Yeah, I was slaying fatties bro you were you were a guy like you were one of those guys that would take down yeah i was hitting on some of those chicks that they'll show at the bar with like uh fucking shorts on you know what i mean they got the

shorts on but they're shorts on they're pulled up high oh like it covers like so it makes them look less fat yeah they got like a fupa and stuff because they like it covers like cuts in the half. So it makes them look less fat, yeah. Because they got like a fupa and stuff. Because they push their fupa like in the ass part of their jeans. So they have a full bodysuit on with like the pants pulled up. I actually know exactly the kind of woman you know. You know what I'm saying, bro? That's a special type of woman right there, dude.

Those are my girls, man. Nice. They're always so fun too dude you know like asking you about your feelings and shit i i wouldn't know i don't see them really yeah like they try i just don't view them as people like it's like okay through them you know wow you wouldn't even fucking attempt to have a conversation with one of them dude probably not no wow what would they have to do for you to give them a little bit of attention like lose 60 pounds probably okay so you're really like but see here's the thing even if

they lose weight you can tell they used to be fat you can see the skin you're like hold on like a skinny fat person yeah this is a this is a instill fat chick yeah that's like me you're not tricking me with this yeah you have to admire it though dude you know she went through hell to get there bro she knows what hard work is man it's true yeah i like how i say this like yeah i won't talk to fat chicks as i talk to zero chicks that's that's the alternative yeah where you look like you'd hit on chicks at like a fucking roller blading rink dude i got kicked out of the rollerblading rink i was hitting on too many moms they're like you gotta go making their husbands uncomfortable their husbands whose arms are around them they're

clearly in the picture and you need to stop sir you need to go home what type of stuff would you be saying you just tripping them on the fucking tripping them out there you want to see this sick trick and then i would kind of like do a hop on the roller skates like almost fall but catch myself and be like bet your lame ass gay husband can't do that wow you did that all in one motion too all in one motion i'd fucking cheat on my husband if i was them well you know these women i guess have have morals i gotta respect their priorities just aren't set man, you know, these women, I guess, have morals. I gotta respect... Their priorities just aren't set, man. Yeah. You know?

Dude, if I saw a dude do that one motion, do a little fucking kick in the air, almost fall, and say what you said... Yeah, like a kickflip without a skateboard.

Yeah. Just flail your legs up and come back down like a pro, dude. Yeah. That would be funny to go to, like... Did you have USA Skates?

I... Just the four? USA Skates is, like, did you have USA Skates? USA Skates is, like, the name. I don't know what that is. I didn't do enough research for this bit. I don't know. The fuck, man. No, USA Skates is, like, a rollerblading rink. You know, I was watching this

TikTok the other day that was, like, a five-minute video that I watched all of for some reason about how you have to, uh, this fake a tick tock the other day. That was like a five minute video that I watched all of, for some reason about how you have to like how you rotate your tires on a car. You have to do the same thing for your rollerblades. You got to rotate your rollerblade wheels. Yeah. I don't know why that just never occurred to me, but it was, it was very interesting. Yeah. You got a weird algorithm, dude.

Yeah. I knew that though, dude. Cause like I knew that, though, dude, because some of them wear out faster. You got to consider pronation, supination, depends. They use those words a lot. I had no idea what they meant, but I'm like, I'm smart. I can figure it out. Yeah. I don't know which is which, but I've heard them.

I can throw those words around like fucking dodgeballs, dude. What comes up in your algorithm a lot? I think you tell a lot about a person based on their algorithm. I've tried to change it. And it's a lot of tits. That's not shocking to me after our earlier conversation. It's tits and sports, if I'm being honest with you. You're just a red-blooded American.

I'm going to be honest, man. There's been a lot of mentally challenged people popping up you know which i'm like dude stop putting this on my fucking feed it's hilarious but cut it out they're listening to the pot i know they're listening to the podcast right like a lot of down syndrome guys like hitting on girls on omegle or like no dude because we had a few episodes where we were talking about mentally challenged people and immediately after my feed starts popping up with mentally challenged dudes like fucking boxing hold on what yeah like wild like they're throwing haymakers and like missing every single punch that should be elite like uppercutting themselves in the face like disturbing

videos that aren't even that funny i'm a big freedom guy yeah but you can't have retards boxing like someone's gonna get seriously injured also we have did i just get the podcast i feel like we're not allowed to say that one anymore yeah i mean you already off the bat like this is getting taken down all right blasted it but dude it's just like i think there's funny retardation you know like if you're launching a javelin the opposite way that's funny you know what i mean but some fucking dude with downs getting scoliosis you know what i'm saying like that's not he's fucking hurting his back you know deadlifting it's like that's not fucking funny man you know i mean it depends what he screams when he hits his pr dude if he screams something funny well

they do a lot of them with like people with like a cerebral palsy. So they're just, dude, they're doing three sixties with every fucking, it's like painful to watch man. And then afterwards you're like, fuck yeah, Jeffrey. Oh dude, those just, the cerebral palsy people doing like very basic exercises that disturbs me.

I don't know why. Yeah. I mean, I don't, it's like, dude, am I supposed to be happy for them or like concerned? Cause it just looks fucking painful. It's like, also, it's like, also everyone's clapping., I mean, it's like, dude, am I supposed to be happy for them or, like, concerned because it just looks fucking painful?

It's like, also, everyone's clapping when he's here. It's like, I could lift more than that. That's not, like, that impressive. I mean, I am impressed, but it's like, I'm impressed because of, like, how painful that must fucking be. Have you ever seen, um... I don't even know if I should talk about this on the podcast, but there's this video of this guy

with Down Syndrome. And apparently on some of his other videos, people had accused him of being the person that killed George Floyd. So it's a reaction video stating that he is not the individual that killed Georgeorge floyd and to

please stop saying that he's very upset and it is wow very fucked up how funny i find it but it really gets me every time they accuse a mentally challenged dude of doing that there's got to be some like backstory police officer no just looks like you're you're running the mill guy with down syndrome because of the internet people will start to believe in him yeah i think i think just some people were trolling them on the internet and then other people jumped onto it and then i just showed up for just that you know like uh response video yeah it was a press conference and that was i feel like a bad person already for saying how funny I feel. I favorited it. It's favorited.

Yeah. It's good. Yeah, I mean, I would have to see the video. It just seems so confusing. Yeah. Are you laughing because of confusion? I'm just laughing because a guy with Down syndrome is just like, I did not kill George Floyd.

That was not me. And it's just... Yeah, your algorithm's fucked, man. My algorithm is mostly, like, federal agents trying to make me a domestic terrorist. Like, all my algorithm is, is, like, you should blow up the Alaska pipeline. Here are vulnerabilities in the U.S. power grid. I got one that was a 14-page, like, you know those slideshows? Yeah. I got one that was a 14-page, like, you know those slideshows?

Yeah. It's like a 14-page slideshow of, like, how to properly enter and clear a building using military tactics. And I was like, I don't need to know any of that. I'm not, you know, I'm not capable of any of this. Yeah. One I had was just a step-by-step instruction, another one of those little slideshows that just showed me how I could build my own thermite and tannerite in my basement. Yeah, I'm a little concerned right now. Yeah, I'm being radicalized. It's fine, though.

Yeah. Do you have any plans to take over or something? No, no, no. You're just interested in it. Well, and then the other half, no, I don't know how those got in there. They're just in there. They don't like them. I don't favor them.

What's going on? I watched the whole way through, though, so it probably sees that he's pretending he doesn't like it. So you think you watched one video all the way through, and they were like, this guy wants it. And then they sent me another one. I watched that the whole way through though so it probably sees that like he's pretending he doesn't like it but you think you watch one video all the way through and they were like this guy and they sent me another one i watched that the whole way through because it's interesting it's just like oh yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't think to throw the flashbang at that point in the uh yeah in the insertion so if shit hits the fan you think you're a little more prepped than other people oh no i'm dying immediately yeah i weigh like 140 pounds i i have no physical prowess i don't't have guns. Like, I'm dead. I'm dead to me. All that call of duty knowledge is going down the drain.

You might be able to, like, direct some people, though, with those resources. Yeah, it could be a management, I think. I'd be like, guys, we need three liters of shaved aluminum and four liters of rust. And if we mix this together with ammonium nitrate, we can make thermite. Yeah, dude, have you ever seen The Last of Us? Yeah. Yeah, I would be that dude shooting fucking propane tanks like that gay dude I mean there's there's two of them there's two gay dudes like I would definitely be the gay dude I mean the guy that shoots propane tanks well I

would be with my boyfriend shooting fucking propane tank you think the gay people have a higher survival rate in the apocalypse because it's two men together? Like, that's got to be a better squad. I mean, considering, like, the homophobia in this country, I mean, you don't even need a gun, dude. You can just pull your pants down. True.

Because, like, I feel the apocalypse happens, right, and you have, like, a wife. Yeah. It's, like, kind of a liability. Yeah. You're, like, dragging her around. If you have a husband, yeah it's like kind of liability yeah you're like dragging around you're doing if you have a husband that guy's watching your back he probably already watched all the videos on how to to breach a fortress especially if you're like a physically

fit gay couple who knows how to shoot propane tanks that's that's a lethal combination. That's what I want. Dude, imagine. I'm a jacked husband, dude. Bro, not only, dude. Imagine having anal sex and being able to shoot a propane tank from like 100 yards away. Dude, what are the skills you need? Dude, you put that on your resume, man. LinkedIn's going off. You know what I'm saying? Imagine saying that in an interview. Dude, do you think if you were in a

if you if you woke up gay tomorrow right and you were pursuing a a gay romantic entanglement do you think you'd be a top or a bottom we're just talking about like one position because it's the receiver and the giver and i know some people maybe do both oh so you're asking me if i would be like giving or receiving usually one person's more of one than the other from what i would want to give man because i would want to be all in i feel like if you're receiving you're kind of like you're not fully committed you're not as gay that's a wild yeah because if you're gonna be gay i feel like it's not like a spectrum dude like you got to go all in bro okay like Okay. Like right now, I would say I'm about 10% gay, but I'm not like broke back mountain gay yet.

That's pretty gay. Yeah. That's fucking 100% gay. See, I think, I think I'd want to be the bottom because then I'd be like kind of the more the woman in the relationship.

I don't even know if gay dudes do that position. What are you... Like where you're just like a gay dude on top that doesn't even make sense just rubbing dicks like how is yeah i don't i don't claim to know how sin works you know i leave it to god to explain to them yeah because my gay dudes

on top of you like you're just rubbing dicks. Yeah, that's how I imagine. Oh, you just think they just fucking rub dicks and, like, scissor? Yeah, probably. That's how chicks do it. Gay dudes just scissor. Chicks, dude, that's a whole different... Dude, being a lesbian sounds like it's the best. Have you ever jerked off to

lesbian porn? Not since I was younger, because I'm going to be honest, it just doesn't do it for me. It's just nothing's really happening. I happened i watched it once man it was not that bad and you can tell they're not really into it like you tell the chicks and there aren't really lesbians they're like depends what you're watching dude maybe just watching bad lesbian porn you got rex some like soviet union soviet union porn i mean the one i saw was they were like emotionally invested and it just seemed like nice they were excited to get their box eaten by a professional. I feel that.

Yeah. I feel like being a lesbian is probably the best hand you can be dealt, because you get to be gay, part of the gay community, but also even rampant homophobes don't really care about lesbians. Yeah. The guy that will kill a gay dude for being gay is not going to kill a lesbian chick. Yeah, you can also spot them easier. You know? You should go outside of, like, a Supercuts or something.

You know what I mean? Like, they're easy to spot. All the lesbians hang out at the Supercuts. Yeah, dude. But, like, gay dudes, sometimes, you know, you might make the wrong judgment. You might think, like, this guy and me are going to be best friends. You're like, oh, no, he's gay.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a good example. How many times has that happened? After a long night at the bar, you take a guy home to just hang out as friends, and then he starts taking his pants off? Never, but been pretty close. Close? Not really that close, but I was talking to this one dude at the bar once when I was in college.

He was, like, a good-looking dude, and I was just talking to him about, like, working out and stuff, just seeing, like, what his routine was. And then he started, like, he started, like, feeling me up and stuff. He was trying to get a gauge of your muscles, dude. No, he was, like, assault. He was, like, sexually assaulting me in public. And I was like, all right, man, like, I'm going to head out. And he just kept following me throughout the night, and had to like leave dude it was really it was disturbing

bro yeah the close i mean i was a little hard but it wasn't like you know the close i had to that was uh back back in my my coke days i had this guy i was doing coke with this guy in the bathroom yeah and he was like you want to come back to my place and i like was like yeah i love cocaine a hundred percent and so i went back to his place and we're just doing cocaine and he like makes move to kiss him like yo dude what are you doing he's like i brought you back to my place at two in the morning from the bar what do you think this was it was like oh you know what that's on me that's i should have seen what this was my. Sorry for doing a bunch of your cocaine, but thank you. Wow.

And I left, and he was very frustrated. Understandably, I felt bad. I felt like I was a little teased, but I didn't. I was so dumb. I just wanted drugs. I was like, yeah, I'm like a Graham in right now. I could go for another Graham. Let's have fun.

Yeah, at least he let you off the hook, though, man. Let me off the hook. He was big, dude. It wasn't really my choice whether I got to leave you're gonna fucking choked you out dude rub this dick on my neck you could not be here right now man sometimes i wish you got a little bit of uh you know a little bit of probe in there maybe just like a little finger dude it's a little i've i've i put a finger up there once out of curiosity like your own finger yeah my own finger yeah we've all been just in the shower and i was like

you know i wonder what it was probably like 23 or something i was like wonder what that's like you know did it not for me haven't tried since just was like nope that's really unpleasant i don't really like that and every dude's been there man like in the shower you're like let's see what happens you know it's a shame, because if it had felt good, that would have opened up a whole new world of opportunities. Yeah, like especially when you're a younger dude, like all your boys would be outside asking you to come outside and play, and you'd be finger-banging your asshole in the shower.

It would be a tough childhood, man. It would be a tough childhood. Like instead of jerking off, you're, like, finger banging. Just blasting. All the cucumbers in your house keep going missing. You think that's what girls were doing back then? I don't think women feel sexual pleasure. I think that's only men get to feel that.

Not this day and age, man. Yeah, I think the Muslims were right about that. Yeah. No. I mean, they're taking it away, though. Yeah, exactly, because it doesn't exist. You know, they're just proving a point. Yeah, but if're taking it away, though. Yeah, exactly, because it doesn't exist. They're just proving the point. Yeah, but if you take it away, it exists.

It's a good argument. Like, women now are just like, we know we have the option. We're just not interested. I think I've really uplifted a lot of groups on this podcast so far. I think a lot of groups of people are going to write me, thank you for being an advocate for us. I'm going to get a few letters in the mail for sure. Yeah, that's good. I think that's good.

So what are your thoughts on Israel as a situation over there? Dude, some dude just explained Israel and Palestine to me on the last podcast. What was his take? My fucking throat, dude. Talking about gay shit all of a sudden you know i get choked up you know um my take on it is like i'll never talk about it again that's smart you know what i mean like if you want to really fucking make my dick soft just talk about israelPalestine, dude. You know what I mean? All right.

We'll move on then. Like, dude, there's everything. Like, what makes your dick soft? Palestine existing. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. So you're just delving a little deeper into the issue.

Like, I listened. He explained it, and I was like... Went crazy on it? Yeah, I mean, I know you're a big history guy, but history makes my dicks off, dude. Damn, you and most women I've found. I'm always like, yeah, I do these history videos on Instagram. What are you doing after this?

And they're like, I'm leaving. Well, that's kind of... I don't know, man. Like, history is like... It doesn't make sense to me because it's like if you see something and i see something yeah we're gonna tell the story a little bit differently for sure so history should be subjective it kind of is though but we take these exams where it's like no no no this happened like you have to answer this correctly where i think history should just be like yeah i think this happened based on this this and this but it's like no no no it's kind of like

uh you're probably say a dozen sources on a major historical event and uh whatever school you're at we'll just kind of a professor or whatever curriculum will just determine that they like won the best yeah so actually this is definitely what happened and uh so but then if you read more into it there's like 12 different accounts that all say like similar but different things and then it's about uh picking which one like people will comment all the time on the history videos they do that i'm wrong and explain why i'm like that's because you're taking this example that person was a communist so i don't believe they're uh their example and you're wrong and my version is right yeah so it is subjective yeah it is subjective yeah but it's fucking stupid how i have to take a class with some fat hoarder with tits who has like the answers in front of him

you know there's no critical thinking involved i just have to be like i have to answer you know with that answer instead of just being like you know i think based on this event this event you know and i all dude you know what i think about a lot bro like imagine if you like what is your favorite historical event that's a tough one dude dude. Really? 1776, baby. Founding of America. Okay. Imagine if you went back in time in a time machine to that event, and it was just an orgy. Content of the Congress is just an orgy, dude? Yeah.

Like just dudes cranking each other off. And you're watching the whole thing and you're thinking about everything you've consumed history wise just wrong just wrong what are you doing in that situation i'm joining in obviously yeah you know i feel like i feel like adams would not be a selfish lover you know i feel he'd be very giving so i'd probably go to him first like jefferson he's gonna be a selfish lover who do you think would give the best hand job the best is subjective right yeah but uh hmm i feel like hamilton probably yeah i feel like hamilton would give it one imagine getting a blow job from like george washington dude oh because he takes the wooden teeth out? No, he keeps them in.

Get some splinters on there? Yeah. I mean, dude, you would be a legend. This guy went back in time to get a blowjob from George Washington. Look at the teeth marks in his dick. The videos on like Pornhub, dude. I think it'd be tight, dude. Yeah.

All right, dude. Yeah. The videos on like Pornhub, dude. I think it'd be tight, dude. Yeah. I dude. Getting lead poisoning like that, man. I'd be fucking sick. I love to just show that at like, like show the video of the orgy to like the Republican National Convention.

Just half of them just blow their brains out right there. Yeah. I'd be pretty sick. That is kind of funny to think about, though, because though because like dude if you did take a time machine back in history without a doubt like you would see some shit where you're like yo that's not that's not in the books because like who's writing this shit you know what i mean probably some white dude who's racist yeah and one the winning side not the other way it's always the winning side It's always a white dude who's racist, and he's writing for the fucking leader, you know, so it's definitely the leader's perspective.

He's like, you fucking write this right now, dude. He's like, that's not what happened. He's like, no, fucking write it, dude. I think so, yeah. What would you change, like, in history to fuck with everybody? Like, change the world for the better? Or how you want it rather dude i'd probably uh probably go back to d-day okay like uh

yeah i'd probably just turn d-day into like a big like beach sex party i like it yeah you know the germans the americans just meet on the beach they're like yo let's just party and fuck dude you know get some fucking you know get some booze and just fucking cease and desist i don't know dude you know what i mean it wouldn't really change history like that much but i think it'd be cool yeah for sure i wonder if that ever happened you know if armies just meant we're like yeah fuck it let's hang yeah like yo i don't want to die you don't want to die let's just chill in this bunker for a little bit you know wait it out

and then whichever side wins the other one will take the other one prisoner yeah that must be the move just be like listen your side wins you take me prisoner my side wins i take you prisoner i mean that's what i would do we're all good yeah there dude, there's no fucking way I'm going into a war looking to kill, bro. You know what I mean? I'm going to be like, yo, what's up, guys? You guys like tits? I like tits. I want to see some tits.

Dude, see, I'm just so impressionable and just want people to like me that I think if you put me behind enemy lines, I would just join the enemy side within a week. Like you put me, like you drop me in Afghanistan within a week. I'm like, you know, Taliban, kind of cool, honestly. They got these cool robes and they don't let women talk,

which is sick. And we just hang out, play volleyball, blow shit up. It's kind of sweet. They play volleyball? Yeah. You've never seen that? See, that's my algorithm, too. It's just the Taliban has a TikTok account. Dude, volleyball is fun as fuck. They just play volleyball, dude. They hang.

They're boys. I mean, yeah. If they're boys, man, just mind as well as fucking. Dude, they all got sick beards. Like, I wish I could grow a sick beard. Plus, you wouldn't even have to train. Yeah. Someone hands you an RPG, dude.

Yeah, we won the war. We don't got to do anything anymore. We just shoot these RPGs at rocks and chill out. That does sound like the dream, man. Someone drinks alcohol, we cut their head off. It's like it's chill. Someone hands you an RPG, dude. You just fucking launch it the opposite way and blow your shoulder off.

I think about that all the time when I'm stressed at work. It's just like, why don't I just go to one of these third world places and just join a fucking militia and get wrecked? Yeah, I mean, you would die in like five seconds. Oh, 100%. So it wouldn't be, but to have that mentality. If you sit for like a week of just like, I just go to the Congo and I'm on the back of like a Toyota 4Runner, just shooting off machine gun rounds at the government forces there. Yeah, to take a one-week vacation and do that.

Join a guerrilla gang in Africa. Just start blind firing an M60 in the air. There's no training, no tactics. It's like two in the morning. It's like a Call of Duty lobby. Everyone just charging Objective A, shooting. I mean, you could go out into the Everglades on an airboat with an assault rifle

and just start shooting at the water. Become a pirate out there, dude. Just take over. Start robbing people. I just want to join the Somali pirate, dude. I think that could be fun. That's another level, man.

Dude, imagine you in a dress on an airboat in the Everglades with an M60 planted to a bass boat. Just shooting up the water. Dude, you get a music video of that with gangster music in the back.

Free birds playing at all times on my airboat. That would be fucking sick, man. Because you're not really hurting anyone. You might hit a few fucking gators. Population control, you know? Yeah, dude. There's too much shit in fucking sick, man. Because you're not really hurting anyone. You might hit a few fucking gators. Population control, you know? Yeah, dude. Killing them. Dude, there's too much shit in there anyway, man.

See, people have, like, midlife crises. I think that's a cool midlife crisis to have. Yeah, for sure. What did your dad do when he turned 50? He bought a fan boat, went down to the Everglades, started just shooting gators. Yeah. I mean, dude.

Just crushing bush light and shooting gators. Freebird playing. Yeah. You're not hurting anyone, man. You know? yeah i mean dude just crushing bush lighting shooting gators free bird playing yeah you're not hurting anyone man you know that's why i don't get the whole like public masturbation thing it's like dude if you want to jerk off on a freeway honestly have you jerked off publicly before no missing out really yeah i'd never like in a park or anything weird like that um but back when i used to commute to yukon like when i was commuting i'd be like coming back at three in the morning because i'd like hang out like go to a party or whatever and then be driving back and i'd be a little drunk to be honest yeah and i would

just jerk off while driving it's like an hour and a half ride just you put the phone in the holder like the little cell phone holder you put it to porn bluetooth it into the the speak this round sound speaker system. Great time. Just jerking while driving. You blew one out on the highway? Several times, yeah. Wow. Probably like six or seven times I did this, yeah.

Jesus, man. You're a legend then, dude. Definitely of something. But yeah, it was a great time. Highly recommend. Because it was also night on the Merritt. Not the Merritt. Whatever that highway.

The small highway that goes up north in Connecticut. So no one's on it. It's like three in in connecticut so so no one's on it it's like three in the morning yeah no one's on it straight to put cruise control imagine if you got pulled over though awkward yeah well because here's the thing at that point i was already drunk it's like that's what i'm really getting in trouble for so it's like you know it would be a funny news article dude if nothing else they might just be like yeah what the fuck i don't want to deal with that i'm just leaving yeah would you like hey just don't do that again i don't want to breathalyze you and get your come on me yeah would you be like yo my bad officer i was jerking off while driving yeah okay at that point you'd have to you can't just be like oh i spilled hot sauce on my dick i was cranking it

dude it's the porn still going that's such a funny image dude to be like a state troop on the highway and see that just see you from the side spanking dude what if he was into he's like why don't you finish the job see about that ticket just jerking off while making eye contact with State Trooper if you avoided the ticket I guess yeah I'll do whatever I don't know whatever you know principles I'll just do whatever yeah yeah I mean like dude if if it means not getting a ticket like you got to do what you got to do. Got to do what you got to do. I would ask him to, like,

turn on the sirens, though. Just get me going up, like, you know, get me riled up a little bit. Sirens are fun, dude. Yeah. Every time I hear them, I have a panic attack. You know what it is?

Because I used to do so much illegal activity that, like, it was really bad to see those, and now, like, whenever I see them or I get pulled over, I'm like, I'm literally doing nothing wrong. This is going to be fine. Worst case is a speeding ticket. Yeah, what's the worst thing you've ever done

besides that? I mean, that should be number one. But... Well, I just was a horrible alcoholic and drug addict for many years. So nothing cool. That's to say, it was nothing cool. I wasn't like a big drug dealer like a you know violent criminal or anything i just would be fucked up doing fucked

up stuff all the time just like constantly just driving around with a ton of coke in the car like driving on acid and yeah you know trespassing things like that okay yeah nothing nothing fun nothing crazy just stuff that like i could, it probably should have done some time for at different points. Yeah, just stuff you could have gone to jail for. I was never a thief or anything. I never robbed anybody. I wasn't about that.

I used to make a lot of dabs back in the day. Make them? Yeah, because back in, what was it, circa 2014, when they had just become a thing, they weren't really out here yet. They were all in Colorado and California. Me and my friends would get them shipped in, but then we realized that was so expensive to get them shipped in from

Colorado and California. We could just make them ourselves. So we like looked online and figured it out. And we just had this like dilapidated garage that we had access to. I don't know whose it was. We definitely shouldn't have been there. And, and there was like a hammock people would sleep in at different points. And we would just make like tons of dabs. Wow. And just like you just.

Did you like make a profit? No, because we ended up smoking them all. That was the thing. The theory was like all drug shit. It's like while we're coked up, we're like, we're going to make so much money off dabs. We're going to do this. It's going to be great. Yeah.

And then we ended up just doing so many of them because we love them that it's like we sold very little and then what little we sold we just bought coke with the money so it all just yeah i mean dude dabs turn you into like a like a zombie man oh yeah no you know i think i've done that maybe one time and i was like nope never again you gotta stay away from them dude yeah they're not they're not. It's like fucking, you know, like what are they even made of? So it depends what you're making and what distillate you're using. But to keep it short, basically you separate the trichomes, which is the main part of the THC, in the plant from the plant itself. So you get rid of all the plant matter.

You remove that with some sort of distillate. So it can be butane. It can be alcohol. It really depends on what you're making it with. And then you cook that with some sort of distillate. So it can be butane. It can be alcohol. It really depends on what you're making it with. And then you cook that down through heat. So all you're left with is like the crystallized THC, essentially. And that's that little waxy stuff. It looks like sap.

So it's not good for you? No, it's actually really clean. I mean, I think weed is the devil. You shouldn't smoke it. It ruins a lot of lives. But if you're going to that's probably physically the healthiest way mentally it'll fry out like i used to smoke a gram of dabs a day it was not i was not really a person i remember i took a dab once i was smashed dude

i was at a college party bro and i remember like i'm already smashed and i'm like watching this really attractive dude talk to this hot chick. And she's like sharing her thoughts and stuff. She's like, yeah, you know, it was a good day.

And this dude is just like, after everything she said, he would just go penis. And she would do, she didn't even flinch. She just kept going, man. And they ended up hooking up at the end of the night.

So I saw that and I was like a little upset, man. I remember like going up to my buddy and being like, dude, you want to get out of here? And I saw that, and I was, like, a little upset, man. I remember, like, calling up to my buddy and being like, dude, you want to get out of here? And he's like, yeah, man, like, you want to, like, rip a dab before we go. Dude, so I, like, ripped one. Don't even know if I did it right. I'm pretty sure I did because I was like, yo.

Sounds like it worked. Yeah, and then we went to a McDonald's, and I remember calling up. I'm in the passenger seat. He goes inside to get some food. And I'm just in the parking lot, like, losing my mind. And I remember looking over at the car next to me, dude. And there's a guy in the passenger seat with a trash bag over him.

And his buddies are like, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, dude. I'm like, yo like shut the fuck up and i'm panicking man and uh i started like have like an anxiety attack bro i just opened up the door and just uked everywhere man and my buddy came back didn't even say a word then we just drove away i didn't even bring it up so you just like witnessed a murder essentially yeah it could have been some frat dudes or something, though, like hazing some dude. You know, but I swear. Did they look frat-aged? Yeah, they were for sure college kids.

But the kid had a fucking trash bag completely over him. Looked like he was struggling to breathe. And they were like, what the fuck? Maybe he had a dab, too, and he was freaking out. And they just weren't as nice about it, you know? Maybe they were just playing a game, dude. That's how I like to think about it. Just playing a game? To me, I was like, I'm not getting involved in that, man. Like, you know what I mean? You just ran't as nice about it. Maybe they were just playing a game, dude. That's how I like to think about it. Just playing a game.

To me, I was like, I'm not getting involved in that, man. You should have ran over and been a hero. Yeah, I'm on dabs, like wasted. Broken through the window, like, I'm here to save you. I just throw a haymaker at the rear window and it's like, none of that is actually going on. Just like some old lady and her husband.

Take that trash bag off him. But yeah, man, I don't know. That stuff will definitely fuck your tits up, man. What were we talking about before that, though? Couldn't even tell you. I'm a great broadcaster.

I'm a professional. But what event would you change? What event would I change? Yeah, if you could go back. Just fucking change history, dude. I think I'd just go back. History was pretty perfect for a while, dude. Just straight white dudes fucking rocking it

dominating the world living it up are you racist man because it sounds or you really just like pushing the envelope like you like i like to push the envelope i mean i'm jewish so technically we can't be racist yeah yeah why we decide if you say otherwise we'll call the adl so what's the adl the The Anti-Defamation League. Oh, okay. What do they do? Basically, I'm already getting in trouble for talking about the ADL. This podcast got me canceled.

I would say the ADL basically is a group that if you as a Jewish person run into issues, they will basically come with the best lawyers on earth to assist you. It's kind of like the NAACP, but for Jews. Jews are crushing it in the lawyer game? We're not bad. We're not bad at it.

Well, it's all about money anyway. You know what I mean? Now it's just starting to feel a little anti-Semitic. I mean, you call the ADL. Oh, I see what you're doing, dude. So you just play victim anytime, anything? Yeah, no, it's part of my heritage. You're dropping the N-bomb on boats.

You're like, dude, I'm fucking Jewish. All right. It just doesn't make any sense. Yeah. What would I change in history? Probably, there's nothing I'm going to say that's not going to make me seem awful so we'll just keep it moving i guess do you actually like truly believe it though are you just trying to like be

funny i don't believe anything yeah yeah i'm just trying to be funny most of the time yeah and and then i and then i do what i do and then i'm like why do people why are people mad at me right now how could this have ever happened yeah does that get you going a little bit though what it does kind of like your bread and butter a little bit yeah yeah yeah that seems like a connecticut thing man is it who else from connecticut is doing that i think everyone everyone yeah all of us they're all pushing it all pushing it yeah what thing is like i don't know i don't really think i push it that much but they just come out to new york and nothing against new york because there's a lot of cool people out here but there's everyone so sensitive i can't do like 90 of my jokes

without someone coming up to me and like lecturing me afterwards yeah are your jokes like pretty they tend to be more on the line you know it's just like but i just because those are the things i think are funny like i'm it's almost because it's like so awful that that's what makes it funny like i was raised by the internet you know so that's kind of what i gravitate towards yeah and then it's like uh i feel like people just get uh it's like a weird bully mentality about it like it's like oh you're straight white guy you can't you can't talk about those subjects and i'm like okay but then who's going to talk about them necessarily? You know? Yeah. I don't know. So you're like, you're joking about it though, right?

Or do people, are they actually like central to your identity? Is this like a weird intervention? Am I getting canceled? No, I'm actually curious. Oh, no, no, no. I am much more open-minded than people would probably be led to believe. Because there's a huge difference between you know joking about dropping the n-bomb and then actually dropping the n-bomb oh no i would never yeah because i don't want to get canceled um yeah but i'm asking like

because like dude if you if you joke about that shit you have to back it up like you have to be like because a joke is a joke you know what i mean yeah like look up the definition of a joke you know what i mean okay there's a huge difference between meaning it and like fucking around you know what i mean well i'm fucking around most of the time i would say i don't know people because like i feel like people often get this idea of me i'm not shocked by it with the way I present publicly that I'm like some sort of like backwards racist conservative guy. Yeah. But then like in the meantime, it's like, you know, my dad's gay.

I'm cool with him. My brother is severely mentally handicapped. And, you know, that's annoying. But we take care of him. That's a lethal squad, dude. Like you can't, you know, it's like I converted to Judaism. So I wasn't born jewish like i went through a huge process to convert to judaism um the whole like hebrew

school thing and shit like that well it's not hebrew school once you're older but essentially yeah you gotta take classes and work with the rabbi and all that yeah so it's like it's you know i feel like you know i'm pretty open-minded guy all things considered yeah you know it does get weird man like in the the comedy game because like everyone's sensitive and like the rebuttal to that for me at least i mean i don't really say like anything really edgy but you know like i talk about like having an extra chromosome and stuff like that like you know so it's like i think the rebuttal is always like it's a joke man like it's not real life like it's just we're just fucking around man we're pushing the envelope we're pushing the edge but then dude what's scary about the comedy game is like sometimes you meet people

who are genuinely just like really fucked up people and you're like yo dude like i'm not about this man like that's the worst when you're like joking around yeah and then someone gets like actually racist and you're like yeah that joke was like a little overlying like oh it wasn't a joke you're like oh no this guy i thought was just really funny is actually like a horrible person what do i do i'm in too deep now i gotta get out of here yeah it's very uncomfortable man is that we were worried what's happening here for a second um well that's why i was asking i appreciate that yeah because you were kind of like telling the line. I'm like, dude, just, you know.

But like, I remember like one time, I don't know, man, I've never, I think somebody said something really racist on the pod once, and I shut it down. What did they say? You should repeat it verbatim, just so the audience knows what you say. I will, man. I had this person on the podcast.

It never got published. And we're just sitting down. And I was like, hey, man, like, you know, congrats on the girlfriend, dude. Like, where'd you meet her and shit? And doesn't answer the question just completely goes off the rails into like politics and stuff yeah man you know he's like i used to be like a hardcore republican and now i'm liberal and he's like i'm doing all the

riot like the fucking the parades and shit and i'm like man, like, that's not even what I asked you. And, dude, he said verbatim, he goes, dude, I used to think all black people were bad. Wild statement. And I go, all right, man, we're going to wrap this up. And I just, dude, I shut down. And to be fair, he said used to. So, you know, at least he's proven. Yeah, but it's a little like, know it's like that's i'm good enough man yeah that's you probably don't want to be associated with that yeah i don't want to

you know i used to i'm so desensitized to that because back when i was doing a lot of drugs like the the two the three pass getting large amounts of drugs go down is is you're either buying drugs like in the hood right that's one which you know for for someone that looks like me is not going to go great most of the time you know i've been robbed that way before so that's not an option then you got hippies but they're really annoying to deal with they're really bad at their job they don't you know and the third one is racists usually yeah like weird like vaguely white white power guys who will never come out and say it, but you're like, that's a weird tattoo. What's going on with that on your neck?

So it's just like I've unfortunately just been in the same rooms with a lot of those people before just for purely business reasons to get drugs. And it's just like there's a different energy that comes over it than when someone's like joking around or maybe just being like kind of ignorant like it's like oh there's hate in here like i feel uncomfortable oh yeah like i'm scared i'd not like this like you know yeah it's like dude i mean like i have black buddies and like we'll joke around about like swimming and stuff you know like we would go swimming like with all my black buddies back in the day and be like dude like it's all right you can watch man like you don't have to go in like shit like that which is like you know it's just busting balls there's

busting balls dude um i think there was one time i went golfing and i was with like two of my buddies and another dude came who i didn't really know and And, dude, he was dropping the N-bomb hard with, like, conviction, bro. And I was like, dude, please stop. We're on a public golf course. Like, it's not, you're not, there's no joke involved. You know what I mean? Oh, so it wasn't even, like, a bad joke. He was just saying

it he was just retarded and he would just like hit the ball and then scream it and i'm like dude see that's the weird thing is now retarded for some people is also a word you can't say yeah i think retarded and the n-bomb are two completely different things i agree with you i'm just saying i'm just you're making a point i guess i say retarded like a hundred times a day do you say the other one not the n-bomb oh the other one you know i'd say the f1 oh maybe like once once quarterly see i used to blast it all the time really i used to dude i used to get i used to say it on stage till enough people in brooklyn were like you can't do that yeah you definitely can't do that around here, man. Well, there was those videos back in the day where people would drive by gangsters who had their pants sagged,

and they'd be like, pull your pants, faggot. So I would say that a lot. Well, dude, you know what I've also found that's weird about that word? For me, at least, it's all anecdotal evidence. I used to have a joke that would have that in it and it wasn't just to say it like made sense with the joke like i wasn't just trying to be edgy like it was part of the joke and if i i used to do um like a lot of like gayer rooms for lack of a better word because you know comedy is like weird and still kind of segregated by what what kind of

audience shows up to what room and i found that like if i said it and the audience was under 30 like it was younger gay people i was gonna get like destroyed like i had to like fight my way out of there it was bad yeah but if the audience was like 35 or up like like you know like more older gay men they thought it was hysterical i was like their favorite comic which is weird age thing because what i've noticed with that age thing my dad's told me because you know he he's like in his 60s he's he's a gay dude from back in the day he's like yeah like he his whole take is that like being gay is so acceptable now at least in the northeast you know there's other parts of the country where not so much but like where we live in the new york metro area it's it's so okay to be gay which is a good thing that they sometimes will

like look for things to be upset about where he's like he's like gays in my generation he's like i used to get the shit kicked out of me for being gay like i used to you know lose jobs and get like assaulted in the street so it's like a word doesn't hurt my feelings he's like i know what real oppression is so like you saying a slur on stage is not oppression to me because like that's nothing comparatively. So that's always been his take. And so that's. Yeah. Yeah.

I would never get offended by like a word, but it's also like, dude, I just feel like in comedy, man, like especially. There's like groups, you know what I mean comedy is very like niche yeah which groups are the problem though if you had to like name one group I just think there's like all of them man you know no cuz there's like around here there's like groups who they'll run clubs and they're like if you say anything moderately bad they'll like publicly humiliate you dude and get you canceled and stuff like that so yeah it's bad man it's that clicky at clubs yeah they have like spies that go to like open mics and stuff if you said something bad anything bad and they uh that's insane to me

dude and then there's like this uncomfortable like far right group that's like pushing it like uh it's almost like they're trying a little too hard you know what i mean because it's like don't get me wrong like dude joking around it is funny. But, like, dude, if you have to make every single thing we talk about, like, a far right reference, it's like, listen, man. Like, they're just talking about Sam Hyde the whole time? Yeah, like, dude, it's, I don't know, man, I've never been on that level, dude. I've always been kind of in the middle. And they make you, like, it's like a bully in high school, man. You know what I mean?

Like, they make you come to, come to your level to be cool. If you don't act like them, then you're not fucking cool. See, dude, there's like... Because everyone complains about the far left people, and I get that they are annoying. And I used to kind of hang around with a lot of the alt-right or whatever you want to call it, just by nature of I just liked freedom of speech,

and that seemed like the place I could hang out. But they're almost just as bad. Because if you don't agree with them on everything they'll freak so they'll like cancel you in their way or if you're too like i remember like i was hanging out with them one time i was just like yeah i mean i don't think anything's wrong with gay marriage you know i think my dad should be able to like marry his boyfriend like all right or like they were all like upset about it and it's like oh this is the same reaction on the other side you know what i mean it's like it's the same dude it's fucking crazy man oh and after the conversion to judaism those guys don't talk to me anymore do they're not they're not fans yeah i got one that still tells

me i'm i'm one of the good ones and like yeah thanks man that's really you have no idea how weird that is for you to say but okay thank you yeah dude i think the narcissism on both sides is like there's the same wild bro it's fucking crazy man sometimes i see podcast clips of dudes man uh far right far left wherever it is man you can obviously tell just by like what they're talking about and like dude like i'll be watching the clip and like the guest will say something and they'll be like, oh, yeah, I actually have like some better to say. It's like, dude, fucking like let your guest talk, man. Like, you know what I mean? Have you ever seen that? We're like somebody will.

I've been on. Yeah. Like somebody will say something. I'll be like, oh, that? Where, like, somebody will... I've been on some of those. Yeah, like, somebody will say something. They'll be like, oh, well, dude, my dog's fucking better. Like, you know what I mean? Me dog's pretty sick, dude. Yeah, I mean, my dog is. We're also in an industry that is based on narcissism.

Like, if you think about it, like, what is stand-up comedy? It's like, hey, everyone, I'm getting on stage now, and everyone's going to be quiet and just listen to me. And if you talk while I'm talking, I'm going to freak the fuck out. Yeah, you could look at it that way, or you could look at it like an exchange that's how i think about it like you're paying money to laugh it's my job to make you laugh like there's an exchange involved but yeah man there's just like uh and i've been down that road a little bit too man where it's like you reach a level of like selfishness where you're like dude what the fuck am i doing man you

know what i mean like you know you don't think really comedy trains you to be a good person in my experience yeah i think we can change it though i really do you think so i think it's just like especially around here it's gotten out of hand you know it's nice to see like bigger comedians to talk about it that's kind of like what sets the tone new New York comedy needs more religion in it, dude. You guys have lost your faith. Yeah. Nobody believes in anything. Nobody believes in anything, dude.

You need to see. I like to hang with other religious comics. I don't care about your branch. Or if people believe in something. Something. Yeah. If you believe in nothing, it's very scary. It's very scary.

I feel like your beliefs are just political. It has nothing to do with philosophical anything anything yeah it just gets weird and like i think morals become very uh just subjective which is never good because you'll find if morals are determined by you and it's subjective conveniently whatever you're doing is always somehow moral if you look at it the right way you know yeah it is interesting man well um dude thank you for coming man thank you for having me if you have anything you want to uh i know you have your own podcast. If you'd like to promote that, dude. Yeah, you can listen to You Should Be Worried.

It's a podcast that I do with another comic, Matt Lopes, and our producer Ben Kirsch out in Connecticut, so that's good. And if you like me, you can follow me at Chris Warren Comedy on TikTok and Instagram, and I'll have dates up there and all that good stuff. Hell yeah, yeah dude thank you for

watching um i think we're on this is episode 101 dude so we did it we uh just did 100 last episode uh if you don't like and subscribe uh you're dead to me so please please do that thank you