The Johnny Salami Podcast - Christophe Jean

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

Christophe Jean by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbors lawn Yeah Laughter Music Well I love you madly dear And I need you badly dear Why did you leave me here Without your love

Music Music Music Music Music Oh bro I'm hurting. Have you gotten a haircut since... Yeah, yeah, I used to have long curly hair. Fuck, what happened, dude? Why would you...

I cut it all... So they fucked me up. So what happened first is I you i cut it all so they fucked me up so what happened first is they i wanted it just shorter but still kind of mostly long and curly yeah and then they just fucked it up this guy did you go to like a dominican uh barber shop no i think he was iranian he was not uh american you know you You got to ask before you... Yeah. I got to go, are you an American? Excuse me, are you an American? I have like an NRA patch on.

I got a gun on my hip. Are you an American barber? Yeah, because with the long hair, you look like a straight up fucking Viking, dude. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. Do you ever get that a lot? Like you look like a... Yeah, I could get Viking because of the red hair. It's very Viking-like. Does that make. I appreciate that. Do you ever get that a lot? Like, you look like a... Yeah, I could get Viking

because of the red hair. It's very Viking-like. Does that make you upset when people bring that up? Nah, dude, I'm a big Viking fan. You can't be too big of a Viking fan, though. I mean, dude, I think you can.

That's all I've been doing is just watching fucking... Viking movies? Viking shows for, like, the past two weeks, dude. Okay, nice, dude. Did you see The Northman? No, I watched The Last Kingdom.

Okay. And Vikings of Valhalla, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've heard of Vikings. That's better than Bangros, dude. Did you see The Northman? No, I watched The Last Kingdom. Okay. Vikings of Valhalla. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've heard of Vikings. That's better than Bang Bros, dude. You're just beating off to... Oh, dude, yeah. It's probably better for your brain.

For sure, yeah, because you just become more of a man. You become so masculine watching TV on your couch. I don't even... I fucking... I don't sit when I pee anymore, dude. It's a huge improvement. Is that a huge improvement in your life? Yeah, yeah.

Did you have that problem? Yeah, yeah, before I saw the Viking shirt. You're talking and pissing? Yeah, now I piss in the yard, dude. Let's go. I love pissing and shitting outside and stuff. Really? You do in a lot of your apartment?

Yeah. No, I wish. I wish, dude. I live in fucking Ridgewood. It's just like... We got to bring it back, man. Yeah, pissing and shitting outside start a renaissance yeah i feel like hippies could probably they could put that in i don't know if it's already into the hippie thing but yeah no one really cares around here like you could for sure just like shit in the road yeah you're like is it monday already yeah yeah shit am i i'm late yeah there was i mean i've seen so many cocks pulled out just pissing in the yeah i've seen

way more cocks here than probably in my i was in florida for the first 26 years of my life and then i probably barely saw any cocks and got here. I've seen like five cocks. I've been here like six months. Yeah, dude. Like even in Rhode Island, I never saw a lot of dicks. Yeah. And I wanted to see a lot of dicks. Yeah, you're curious, dude.

Dude, I was talking to a guy. I think you might know him. You know Jonathan Tilson? Yeah, yeah. He was telling me about his cock. Really? Yeah. J-Dog was talking about it?

J-Dog was talking. We were talking cock measurings and he had a bigger one than mine and i got kind of upset i'm not gonna lie damn i i didn't like uh think j-dog was about that talk well it was just in like uh you know like the classic it's like we've all measured our penises yeah every man has measured his penis for sure yeah so and i was like yeah i'm like a little south of six you know yeah five eight okay five seven yeah you know what i mean on a good day six if you're using like a tape measure or like a ruler i use a ruler i use a ruler too because you can like press you can press it down into into your stomach into your mons pubis yeah yeah yeah get like an extra inch you get an extra inch in there

100 i also lost weight i used to be uh fatter and your dick definitely my dick definitely got bigger oh dude yeah it's less fat on there yeah less like you know fupa going on your testosterone goes up too so sometimes you're just like hard for no reason did you used to be real fat oh really really fat really how big lost weight dude i dude. I was like 180 in seventh grade. Nice, dude. It's fucking, yeah. Big halls. Big ass tits, dude.

Nice. My tits were bigger than the girls I hung out with. Nice. You hung out with girls, dude. That's a huge leg up on me. Yeah. I mean, it was my friend's friends. You know how that works?

Sure. You have to bring something to the group to be involved. Yeah yeah i brought my tits dude nice dude they're like well there's no tits there john's coming yeah it was always like a friend's friend you know yeah of course they would never come over and like watch you know nat geo with me or anything like that yeah nat geo is that what you like yeah i just wanted them to like suck on my tits. Suck on your tits? Yeah. Nice, dude.

That would be nice. I mean, I was fat enough to where I could probably get that. If a girl really likes me in high school, maybe she would have done that. Really? Yeah. All you have to do is ask, man. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. What's it?

It's like, you know, closed mouths don't get fed. Instead of asking her to prom, you just like ask her to suck on my tits. I was so scared of girls till like last year. Till I was like 20. I was really scared of girls. I'm so scared, man. Dude, they're fucking scary. They're so scary.

Like, there was a girl who clearly had a crush on me in high school and i just didn't do anything about it because i got really scared yeah and uh i really you know i wish i could talk to like 16 year old me and be like it's gonna be okay dude you could go yeah you should go back you should yeah but with my 27 year old mind what do you think you would do dude i'd be so good at talking to 16 year old girls now what do you think you would say dude i would just be like uh wait to my 16 year old self to the girl if you could go oh to the girl i'd be like that fat ginger guy likes you uh i'd know i'd be like dude what's the you know what kind of what kind of youtube

videos do you watch really i don't know dude i was just i complimented her uh band t-shirt she had a band t-shirt i liked oh this was back in the day this was back in the day yeah it was brand new you know that band oh no i don't oh they're a good band dude really you should check them out you feel like you were the only one who knew that band yeah so it was like a yeah it's a big deal it's a big deal i feel that yeah speaking of uh like hairy ass pussy dude yeah that's what we were that's definitely what we were just talking about speak of the devil yeah yeah i had a i had a crush on this chick in eighth grade dude nice first time ever going over like a woman's house okay dude she invited me to her pool party oh

hell yeah so i brought a bunch of my boys dude we rode our fucking mongoose walmart mountain bikes up there absolutely there's like a mile ride and we get there dude and uh massive house yeah on the backyard there's an in-ground pool lit and she was uh she was with a few of her friends and she was just laying on a beach chair dude with her legs open it looked like i thought someone's head was like in between her legs dude yeah like that's how that's how hairy it was. Oh, nice. Yeah, dude. Full bush, bro. Why would she? And, dude, I hopped on my bike and I ran home. You got scared. I broke up with her over AIM.

No. Yeah, I was listening to Akon. And I was like, this isn't going to work. Did Akon, like, put it in your head, like, you don't have to deal with that? Yeah. I was just in my feelings, dude. Yeah. You know? But, dude. Did you listen to Lonely? I'm so upset I did that, man, because it. I was just in my feelings, dude. Yeah. You know?

But, dude, I'm so upset I did that, man, because it's so hot, dude. You just got scared? Yeah, dude. I was just like, you know. You couldn't handle all the bush. You were too young for bush. Yeah, but, dude, now, dude, if I saw that, I'd be like. Yeah.

Well, maybe not in eighth grade, but yeah. Yeah. Like a grown woman with a bush, right? I mean, yeah. No, I get that, dude. I mean, bush is like, I'm totally not anti-bush. Yeah, man, it's natural, dude. It's the way God, you know.

He wanted it, dude. He wanted bush. You just got to maintain it. Yeah, I mean, I fucking, I let it go too long, though, a lot of the time, you know. He wanted it, dude. He wanted blood. You just gotta, like, maintain it. Yeah, I mean, I fuckin'... I let it go too long, though, a lot of the time, I feel. Yeah, like your ass or your fuckin'... Like, no, I don't shave my ass. You shave your ass?

No. You're, like, a asshole? Yeah, I don't know if you meant, like, your gooch or, like, your piece. I mean, my gooch I've never touched. It's just my balls and my pubes. Hell yeah, dude. My balls will get gnarly down there, dude. Really?

Well, it's because it's the same color as my other hair. The carpet matches the drapes. The carpet definitely matches the drapes. That's fucking sick. Yeah, it's pretty cool. People like that. And then, yeah, so it'll be like, and it's weirdly like gravity affects it, you know? Wow.

It's like shaggy. Wow. You'd think it'd be like tight and curly, but it's like weirdly like gravity affects it, you know? So it's like shaggy. Wow. You'd think it'd be like tight and curly, but it's really not. It's like a, I mean, it's literally drapes. I got double drapes. So they're not even like pubes. It's like hair. Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like a fine Asian hair down there.

So you're like a rare breed, dude. I'm like a silky bald mastiff. Dude, you should grow that out then, dude. Yeah, I know. You should get cornrows onky bald mastiff. Dude, you should grow that out then. Yeah, I know. You should get cornrows on your fucking ass. I have cornrows on my sack, dude. That's so cool. Dude, just start walking into random CVSs.

And pulling it out. Pulling my balls out. Dude, just walk up to hot chicks and be like, hey, you know what time it is? What time is it? It's time for me to show you my cornrows on my balls dude that should be like one of your like your hinge prompts yeah like my greatest strength yeah it's just a picture of your fucking what i'm getting for the table yeah my fucking balls on it no I met my girlfriend on hinge oh you have a girlfriend I do have a girlfriend I'm proud of

you dude thanks man fuck yeah man nearly two years yeah so I just like just ruined all that yeah I can't yeah I can't uh I can't pull my balls out every day I'm like damn I wish I could just pull my balls out now. Every day I'm like, damn, I wish I could just pull my balls out. Dude, the people who watch this podcast would be so proud of you, dude. If I pulled my balls out at a CVS. If they found out that your girlfriend dumped you because you were showing your balls to other chicks. Yeah, I know.

That'd be a good way to go out if you're not like if the relationship isn't working right and i yeah if i if i wanted out but i didn't want to say anything like i was scared of the conflict so i just started like exposing myself in public yeah she'd be like i have to leave you and i'd be like why because of the fucking because i pull my balls out sometimes yeah that's crazy you would have to leave you dude would have. You can't stay with a guy that leaves you. But if she didn't, I'd have to propose. Yeah, that'd be a good test. I mean, we always try it out. I think, yeah.

High risk, high reward, man. Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah, and then, like, at the wedding, dude, I can give the speech, too. Yeah. Just describe everything that happened from, like, start to finish. Like, the lead up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Because this is what started it, dude. This is the genesis of me pulling my dick and balls out. 100%, dude. And getting cornrows on my dick and balls. Dude, if I could get cornrows, just in general, I would get them. Why wouldn't you? You got thick hair, kind of.

Yeah. You think that's your problem? It's just too thick, dude. Yeah. Has it been holding you back? Is it something you don't like about yourself i think my emotions have been holding me back yeah you start crying from getting cornrows or just in general just in general dude yeah you know i feel you you ever

like think about doing something and then you just like don't do it of course constantly just life man you know what i'm saying it all adds up to fear, you know? It's all just holding you back. But you got this. Some people want it to happen. Some people wish it would happen. Others make it happen, Michael Jordan. I'll get that tatted on my nuts, dude.

Yeah. I got, dude, I got, like, assaulted last night. Really? By whom? By a bunch of teenagers, dude. No. I was leaving the gym, man. I hit the sauna, dude.

And I was listening to like yoga music in there sure so i was it was a good time you're zinning out i was in like a really peaceful state dude and then i left the gym and there's like always like a security guard outside the gym dude okay and he wasn't really doing much dude and i walked by this group of like 10 teenagers on like bikes and shit yeah this kid was like you want some Skittles, faggot? And you were like, yeah. That's what I should have said. I just pretended I couldn't hear him, dude.

And he was like, you're going to fucking ignore me, dude. And then he started throwing Skittles at me, dude. Oh, my God. I got assaulted by the fucking rainbow, dude. Oh, man. Chase the rainbow, brother. Dude, I got so mad. I almost turned around and just started throwing fucking hands.

Yeah, you should have just thrown haymakers on this child. Yeah. Just assaulting ten, like, man. Chase the rainbow, brother. Dude, I got so mad. I almost turned around and just started throwing fucking hands. Yeah, you should have just thrown haymakers on this child. Yeah. Just assaulting 10 teenagers. Yeah, you fucking stuffed Skittles in his mouth. Yeah, dude, right in front of the security guard. Yeah. That's what I was thinking about on the way.

I almost went into a convenience store and bought like three share size things of Skittles. Mm-hmm. And I was going to go back. Yeah. And just fucking scream, you want some Skittles, motherfucker? Start throwing them everywhere, dude. Yeah. Dude, I've gotten assailed by children. I've gone to Astoria three or four times since I've been here.

And two out of the three times, children have been mean to me. Really? Like emotionally or like physically? Emotionally. Yeah, I've never been physically. You've gotten it worse than I have with the Skittles. But I was walking and a kid, he was riding his bike. And he was like doing that thing where they're like nice, but in like a menacing way.

Have you gotten that yeah like autistic dude he was like riding his bike next to me and he's like oh hey hi what you doing you going for a walk i was and i'm like drinking a coffee he goes you drink a little coffee i'm like dude this guy is being so mean to me right now and i kept walking and then i just ignored him and he and he knows notices i'm ignoring him and he goes fuck you bitch little bitch i'll fucking kill you bitch wow yeah how old do you think maybe 14 oh dude i could have taken him dude i could have fucking just kicked him kick the fucking wheels out from underneath his bike which like you know that definitely probably crossed your mind, right?

No, I was kind of scared. Really? Yeah, I didn't want to. I just didn't. I was like, I don't want any trouble, you know? Yeah, dude. I don't know, man. I thought, I legitimately thought about it.

And then I was like, dude, if I just started throwing haymakers at 14-year-olds, just knocked them all out in front of a security guard. And he was like, why'd you do it? And I i was like that kid threw fucking skittles at me yeah you know i'm doing like 10 to 15 over like skittles yeah you can't do skittles provoked yeah salts that's why we need something else to like get them back you know what i mean yeah maybe like a power washer or something that'd be good yeah like pressure washer like really yeah dude if i just had like a power washer or something. That'd be good. Yeah. Like pressure washer, like really fucking. Yeah, dude, if I just had like a motorcycle with like a power washer attached, I could do like a quick drive by.

Yeah, like Mario. Yeah. Yeah. And then just fucking fly away, dude. Yeah. That'd be nice. Maybe you hit his feet and just take his legs out from underneath him. Yeah.

Or just start like jerking off on him, dude. Yeah, that would be worse. Imagine if you could like come on demand. That would be convenient, I think. There's a disease where you can't stop coming yeah like orgasming yeah yeah have you seen that i've seen like chicks with it that's that's just porn yeah they're like yeah they're squirting it's there's like nine guys there too all, all the time. A lot of them can't get hired. That's sad, man.

Dude, one time I was watching, my friend sent me this porn, and he's into way worse stuff than I am. Not that I'm into tame whatever, but I'm not some saint over here. But he sent me, it was very funny, it was peeing porn. And it was like a dominance thing. And there's an older woman and a younger woman. And the younger woman is interviewing for a job. And the old woman props her leg up on her desk like that. And she's not wearing panties, and she just starts pissing on the floor.

And the young woman's like, what the fuck? Oh, my God. Whatever. But then she kind of nails the interview while the old lady's pissing and she's like oh you got the job it was great you know and then the young lady starts pissing and the old lady goes what the fuck is wrong with you she's like why are you pissed she's like yeah it's my office dude can you can you send this to me yeah sure i'll try to find it it was really

funny this sounds like some really good acting it was so funny i thought it was really great no it's like almost like uh it's like an ari aster movie you think it was improvised maybe because it's hard not to improvise when there's piss involved yeah like stick to the script all right yeah yeah yeah you think porn guy not like piss porn dude no i get it but everybody likes porn but some people are like porn guys you know what i mean yeah i'm not like a porn guy every dude ever yeah every dude ever but some there's different there's levels to it yeah there's levels to it. Yeah, there's levels to it. There's like, oh, I watch. I would say I'm a.

Like level one to ten. In terms of experience, like ten for sure. Yeah. But in terms of hardcore. Yeah. Probably like a two or three, dude. Okay. Yeah, I'll jerk off to a woman in a field.

Nice. She's frolicking? She's frolicking with a basket of Easter easter eggs yeah you know what i'm saying she's yeah i get it she's kind of spreading it around like hiding them or is she just is she collecting them she's just like openly uh releasing her feelings yeah is that what you're into underwear on she's just being vulnerable and honest with a basket full of Easter eggs? Is that kind of your deal? The hardcore stuff kind of like scares me a little bit.

Yeah, of course. Like mentally, you know what I mean? Yeah. Because I've seen videos where it's like a mom and she's just getting like pissed on in the shower. Yeah. And I didn't really expect it. You know, there was no like description of that. You're right.

It's just like mom's embarrassed in the shower. Yeah,'re like drinking piss yeah and i'm just like i would love to be into this but you're so diplomatic about it dude i would love to be into this i just personally i can't right now yeah i always send like an email I mean it's probably a small production company you could probably get into contact with whoever made the video should be like to whom this may concern love the effort this is just not my

forte thank you very much for writing in Johnny I really appreciate it the best I wish you all the best And they're like, thank you very much for writing in, Johnny. I really appreciate it. The best. I wish you all the best. I've sent this video to my friends who may be interested. Yeah, for Piss Drinkers 9. Like, I'd love to help in any way.

He's attached your resume. Will not drink piss because like dude piss is just like yeah not really meant to be uh drinking i don't know if you knew that i mean yeah that's that's probably what like gets dudes going yeah of course it's the whole thing it's the whole naughty it's's that it's naughty. It's wrong. Yeah, the whole deviance thing. Yeah. Yeah, instead of just like step-bro, step-sis. Yeah, normal stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. About brothers and sisters.

You know what I mean? Everybody likes a little bit. You can't. I mean, dude, my buddy watches pornography that's like sensitive, and I'm like, this is like a little gay. Yeah, for sure. It's something like it's really well-produced, and it's like the woman is like oh you know like and the guy's like i love you you know have like a tough day yeah yeah dude it literally be like

that there was one that was about it was like bfgf have sex after a girl is upset you know i'm like oh why am i watching bfGF sex, dude? I hate this. Yeah, dude, one that really got me going was, it was like this chick at her wedding. Nice. And she just ends up like banging another dude. Yeah. I don't know why I was into that one. I think I've seen that.

Yeah. That specific one. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of those. Yeah, dude, those are the best ones. And they're like, no. I like when they're like, oh, no. Yeah, it's like she's like about to walk down the aisle yeah and she's like talking to another dude in the back she's like will you uh he's like can i finger you is he an accountant can i finger you

might i please finger you on the day of your nuptials? What the fuck? There's always, like, money involved. Oh, yeah. I like money, too. It's like some dude with, like, a fucking Patagonia sweater. Yeah. He's in tech.

He's, like, filming the wedding yeah he's like yeah can i like finger bang you for five grand yeah she's like sure i mean you can do it five grand dude i mean i'd let someone finger bang me for five grand it's like one eighth the cost of the wedding that's like the that's like the cake yeah what if he presented it that way could i bang you for one twelfth the cost of the wedding oh dude i'd be rock hard yeah she's doing like calculations on her he's like getting a discount yeah yeah 30 it's like yeah. It's like, yeah, okay, that's $36.85. Yeah, they should play that at colleges. Yeah.

Like how to negotiate. Or like business school. They're like, this is how. And look, he gets to cum on her face at the end. Dude, it's easy money. It's like one of those Wolf of Wall Street classes. Yeah. It's like, listen, boys, pay attention to this. Yeah, you're going to want to pay attention.

Yeah, wet your fucking, get your pens ready, boys. Yeah, wet your pens. Wet your feathered pens. Yeah, because it's 1845 business school. Yeah, that would be sick, dude, to just be involved in any of that stuff. Yeah, for sure. When did business school start, do you you know i think like the year one well it seems like i just can't imagine like you know like early capitalism in america where you're like yeah i'm the candle makers apprentice

you know yeah there's some guy like you gotta you gotta work hard and play hard just like uh you think like uh like what type of business like just like um you know like i just imagine business school is like a bunch of dudes like they wear suits around and they think they're gonna be like wolf of wall street it must have been like uh like a cult of some sort like harder to get in yeah like like skull and bones type of thing yeah it's like dude even like yeah maybe like 30 years ago yeah not even that long ago yeah they saw like wall street yeah like the first wall street with uh what's his name charlie sheen yeah yeah yeah and they were like we should teach people this yeah because business back in like the 18th century yeah 700 ad dude yeah what

are you gonna do yeah ring people right it's like murder you know you got to learn how to melt down copper like what is so you want to know business let's torch this fucking village the the roi on raping and pillaging is really good yeah there's no negotiation it pays dividends to have slaves that would have been dude imagine uh yeah you know you know like what type of like king you'd be what type of king yeah i'd be like a french like kind, kind of, like, gay lord. You know what I mean? Like, I'd have, like, I already know, dude.

I just know I would, like, I'd have, like, decadent tastes, you know? I'd be like, fetch the snails from the southern region. They'd be like, but we've squandered our budgets yes no cost is too much yeah you would just like enjoy saying random shit yeah but i'd just ask for like ridiculous stuff like new bed every day you know i'd be really really um have expensive tastes. You know, what about you? You'd just be like fully naked, like fetch me a lobster, my boy. Yeah, yeah.

And I wouldn't, I mean, I don't know if I'd let anyone ever see me naked if I was a king. Really? Yeah. Sure, dude. I would just probably like, and I'd probably only have sex for reproduction. You seem like you'd be like a wicked chill king. Thanks, man. Like, hey, listen, man, we're about to get ambushed. Yeah.

And you'd be like, all right. That's okay. That's fine, dude. Guys, chill. Chill, dude. Relax a little bit. Have a pheasant. I would be like a wicked straight-faced king yeah who doesn't say

much i would be stoic king yeah i'd be very stoic but very immature yeah like straight-faced and uh yeah if i was like a viking king i would love to just gather up the boys you know like a thousand vikings yeah give like a really intimate speech. You know, dude, you know what I would like is to just be like, she'd be like, Hey, I just want you guys to know that I fucking love tits.

You gather like a thousand, you'd make it an emergency. Yeah. Like gather in the halls. No, just in like an open, uh, field. What is that thing where like you're up high in they're in the fucking, it's like a circle,

not a circle jerk, but. It's not a circle jerk. A pulpit? I would do it in the village. Yeah, in the village center. I'd be like, hey, what's going on guys? I just want you guys to know that I really love tits. Love big boobs.

And then I would get like two massive tits made out of like hay. Oh, cool. And I would have like fire massive tits made out of like hay. Oh, cool. And I would have like fire blow out of them. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, like an effigy or whatever. And I would be straight faced the whole time. Like the wicker man, but with tits.

Yeah, they would look up to me for sure, dude. Yeah. They'd be like, this guy does not fuck around. This guy's dead serious about this. We should really try our best. Yeah, well the thing is like, dude, if you're a king, you gotta like really set the tone. Of course. So that people fear you though yeah so it's like much as you want to be a chill king

like you have to murder someone dude for sure i would just yeah i would be able to murder i'd be sociopathic kind of yeah like who would you murder though if you were really like trying like dissenters you know people who spoke ill of me um Wives I didn't want around anymore. That kind of thing, you know? You're about to give a speech, dude. You just take out a fucking bow and arrow. Yeah. I do really daintily, but I'd still be really good somehow.

Yeah. What would you say before you killed her? I would just moan a little. I'd be like, go on. I'd be really gay about it. I'd be pretty sassy. You're really adamant about the whole gay king thing. I have this imagery in my mind of, like, a French, you know, like, and they have, like, big, they have, like, big clothes, you know what I mean?

Yeah, you just smell like fucking nuts. Yeah. I feel like I'd smell like, like, you know, like I'd get perfumes and things. Yeah, did they have that back then? They had to. It was probably just, like, gas and and things. Yeah, did they have that back then? They had to. It was probably just like gas and like... Yeah, gas. Fetch me my gas!

Someone flicks a fucking cigarette at you. You explode. My vapors. My vapors caught. Yeah. Yeah. that would be the best part about being a king though is just like the sacrifices yeah you think you'd do like the aztec thing you just throw them down like a flight of stairs or something was that mayan one of those guys inking mine yeah they would be like they would just make sacrifices based off of like the

the location of the sun that day really yeah is that true I think so yeah they'd be like damn dude it's low the sun is low in the sky

we gotta fucking throw a guy off a cliff yeah they were like the sun isn't as vibrant as it usually is we have to kill fucking Ferdinand and his whole family

yeah I wonder what their names were. Yeah. Because like their gods had crazy, I know, like oxolotl or something like that.

Or no, that's an animal. Just random sounds. Yeah. Yeah, it's like Zimbabwe or something. I don't know

the Mayan gods' names. I feel bad. That would be crazy. Canocti clan, that was one. They're going to start doing that now in like corporate America,

dude, like crucifixions and shit. Yeah. Hey yeah hey jeff man just want to let you know dude like you're we gotta yeah crucify you yeah because of what you said at the board meeting yeah we'll be like hey listen man you got like an hour to get your things together if you want to like call your family and yeah this is joe if you want to do that i wouldn't if i was getting crucified at work i don don't think I'd get my, I'd be like, you guys get my stuff. I'm not putting it in a fucking cardboard box and walking to my car like an asshole. Yeah, I would get in my car and I'd probably try to escape.

Yeah. Go out with a bang. Yeah. Get like fighter jets on me and shit. Yeah, that'd be cool. I'd be like GTA. I'd want it recorded for sure. Yeah.

I'd be sick. You could live stream it. Yeah. You'd look cool. I'd want to record it for sure. Yeah. That'd be sick. You could live stream it. Yeah. You'd look up like a GoPro. Yeah, you'd be like a world star legend. That'd be awesome. In like a 1990s. Oh, you're getting crucified.

You're on the highway in like a 2000 Honda Civic. Yeah, with like three different colored doors. You're like, fuck this guy. That's tough, dude. You see a car with multiple colored doors? Yeah. That's tough. Dude, those kings must have, like,

really done some crazy shit to, like, fuck with people, though. Yeah. Yeah, even, like, nowadays, if I was a leader, dude, I would just, like, call it. I'd probably call in, like, random airstrikes on, like, the ocean.

Yeah. You're like the fish. The fish need to know. Should be like you guys are the fish next. Yeah. For today it's the fish. Tomorrow it's your ass. No, that makes sense, dude.

That's some Kim Jong-un shit. Oh, yeah, dude. He definitely has done some stuff like that He's like throw guns in the Or bombs in the water So the fish know who I am Yeah dude And they're like god Kim Jong's fucking wild

Yeah If you're feeling bored like one day Yeah You must get so bored Oh my I can't imagine the boredom Yeah North Korea

You get everything you've ever wanted Not even though dude You. You're like, oh, we can't get tennis balls, sorry. Like if you wanted to get into tennis, they'd be like, we can't import anything. We're like a locked nation. Everyone has

embargoes on us. Yeah, dude, but like everyone does everything you want them to do. So you kind of want someone to fight back like a little bit. Yeah. You're surrounded by sycophants i think that'd be the worst part it's like it's you know it's like you're a friend you have like a a combative friendship but it's still good you guys argue but it's fun yeah it is like uh i feel like i've just lost that sense of like fucking life or death you know what i mean i don't think i ever had it no i just feel like i should be in

more like life or death situations yeah i think we're getting to the age we're both what you're what 26 27 yeah we're the same age i think you know i heard this before, but the lack of war, you know, I think it gets to you. Yeah, it's all online warfare. Yeah. I'm in a lot of online wars right now. 100%, dude. Yeah, dude, I'm fighting the good fight. 100%.

I'm on the front lines of Twitter. That's all it is, man. I'm going down the ship. We got to get back to the old ways. Yeah. Meet up in a field and shit. Right. I think that's the best kind. You ever watch Gangs of New York? No. It's a good movie. Really? It the old ways. Yeah. Meet up in a field and shit. Right. I think that's the best kind.

You ever watch Gangs of New York? No. It's a good movie. Really? It's a movie? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was like a Vice series. No, it sounds like it.

It's a Scorsese movie. I gotta watch that now. With Daniel Day-Lewis and John C. Reilly. Yeah. And Leonardo DiCaprio. And they all fight at the end. It's like old-timey America. Okay.

And they all fight in a town square at the end of Who Gets to Run New York. Wow. And it's sick, dude. It's like... What's his name? What's the guy from... I just said his name.

Daniel Day-Lewis. He's got a big hatchet. It's so cool. I I just said his name. Daniel Day-Lewis. Yeah. He's got like a big hatchet. You know, it's like so cool. But we should... But they all cared so much about the town square. I don't give a fuck about the town square, dude. They were like defending it? Yeah, they were like, we run this town, you know?

Yeah. Like me. Benny the Butcher or whatever the fuck his name was, you know? Yeah, that's what shit used to be like, like defending your land. Right. I've never got that my whole life. No. You can fucking have it.

Yeah, I don't have any land. I rent. Yeah, dude. I don't own anything. No, I don't own a single thing. Yes, we... Oh, my most expensive item I own is a laptop. Yeah.

So nobody feels that at all. No, I'm not defending my laptop with my life. Yeah, like, dude, if they called in an airstrike on this neighborhood, I don't think I would feel anything. No. I mean, I would feel something. I would, but not the same if it was, like, my prairie, you know? Yeah, like if you had, like, your own ranch that you've owned for, like, your whole life.

Right, if it was, like, the, the McCoys or whatever. Yeah. And then you saw like a bunch of like gay dudes on horseback. Coming in and they're like, this is ours now.

I'd be like, I'll fucking die. I'll fucking die on this ground. We're going to fuck you and take your land. I'd be like, don't,

don't do that. I'd be like, you better not. Don't be a coward. no i want um i mean it's probably bad it's probably better but it's also like there's less meaning in it inherently i can't imagine going like to war and like and wanting to or like feeling like you have to yeah like the whole uh if i was ever in a war dude yeah even if it was in a field like that whole big epic moment where you're like running towards each other yeah i would immediately curve off into the woods oh yeah yeah i would fall to the back i think for sure yeah i'd be too scared of like getting shot in the head as a deserter so like i'd find the middle ground and like like hang back

even like war nowadays i feel like people are smart enough to know now that it's like if you're gonna go to war dude yeah you're in it to like fucking shred some shit dude yeah like you want to kill people you know that you might get killed right back then it was just like for fucking god for our fathers for god for for glory yeah it like mattered now now it's like i don't think there's been like a war people cared about since like i don't know world war ii maybe 9-11 actually got people hyped up like there would never be a draft again no people would just be out there with like dildos yeah i well you know me i would be dude i'd be like i'd wear like a strap on my forehead yeah i mean you know dude the my buddy he wanted to go he wanted to join the air force and then they didn't let him because he had bunions really yeah i think i think i have bunions i definitely have bunions dude yeah my fucking

toes literally are at like a 90 degree angle i just sit like like perpendicular to your foot yeah it's wild that sucks yeah bro no i have flat feet you know what i mean i have sciosis. You have special fucking shoes for that? No, I should, though. I have bad foot pain fairly frequently. Yeah, dude. I had a pair of red Adidas shoes when I was younger, and they were so cool, I just kept them for too long, dude.

So my toes started fucking hurting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You liked them too much, even when you outgrew them? Yeah, I would have bloody toes. You could get the same kind of shoe in a larger shoe. Yeah, I just couldn't find them, dude. Ah. So I had to make a sacrifice.

Yeah. You should, like, cut and then have your feet come out. Actually, I went to a physical therapist, and he was like, listen, man, your toes are never going to be the same. No way. He was like, you can buy those, like, spacers for them, but it's not going to work. They just grew fucked. Yeah, dude dude they're just

like permanently like sideways like when people see my feet they're like dude dude i gotta see your feet now nah dude you embarrassed i am yeah oh i'm sorry yeah i'm not a big feet guy dude i like feet a little bit yeah like sucking on toes and shit i've never sucked on a toe but i like i can tell when girls have this is the creepiest thing i've ever said but you look on the pair of feet you guys a nice pair of feet yeah yeah i don't have the inclination to suck on them or like put my penis on them or anything like that but i do look at feet and go those are good feet yeah i'm not gonna lie my gf nice feet yeah i know what you're saying. I respect that.

I like them. Yeah, but like man's feet though, dude. A man's foot is one of the worst things. Yeah, it's like... I'd rather see a man's cock of balls. For sure, yeah, yeah. On like a good day. Yeah. Well, at least I get some joy out of the comparison.

You know? I don't compare my feet to other guys. I don't care. But in my head, I'm like, how big is his dick? Oh, I found out.

Even bringing up feet to another dude, that's risky, man. Yeah. If you bring up cocks, though, like cock and balls. It'll always come. It'll always be okay.

It's always gonna be natural, dude. Yeah. It's literally fine. Yeah. It's all dudes talk about. They use dick and balls and pussy and tits and ass.

You could start off a conversation about like feelings yeah and that it's gonna end in like you talking about balls and wieners yeah yeah for sure it's how dudes work it kind of is i think we just gravitate naturally towards like genitalia i think it's the most vulnerable part it like never gets old either no yeah dude i remember being in like i forgot what grade it was but elementary school i was really young yeah and like laughing because someone said but it was really funny yeah i still laugh now when people say uh tushy tushy's good i used to i used to think uh up until like last week dude i thought tushy was like your dick but it's actually no it's your ass butthole dude yeah it's your butt yeah yeah took us yeah tushy though that's just like such a funny thing

tushy is like yeah it almost sounds Yiddish Imagine like some dude's Talking shit to you And you're like Dude how about you Wipe my tushy I would be really upset Like a men's rec league game Yeah

I would love to join A men's rec league Yeah That's what I've been saying For months dude Years Decades dude What sport

Baseball Just anything dude Baseball would be risky I feel like I'd fucking blow up my arm, dude. Really? Yeah, dude. I could probably play. I think I could play, like, maybe slow-pitch softball.

Yeah, I played that for a year. Really? Yeah, dude. It was, like... It looks so fun. It was on Tuesdays. Yeah. And, dude, everyone gets, like, blasted.

Yeah, that sounds so great. It's just tough on, like, a Tuesday, dude. Yeah, I don't like getting hammered on a Tuesday. Yeah, people get slosh, blasted. Yeah, that sounds so great. It's just tough on, like, a Tuesday, dude. Yeah, I don't like getting hammered on a Tuesday. Yeah, people get sloshed, dude. Yeah. And they get, like, a little too into it. What about Saturday? I don't know, man.

Day game. Saturday day game. Yeah, maybe we can change that, dude. Let's start that now. Let's start that here. It's weird how, like, dudes take softball that seriously. Yeah, the competition thing would. Yeah, i got injured

dude sliding dude i was playing third base oh did you get wailed with a ball dude this kid hit a pop up uh-huh like a routine pop-up and i literally didn't have to move i just i was standing there waiting for it to go on my glove yeah and the shortstop was so cocked that he ran into... Oh, my God. Ran into my knee, and I tore my MCL. What? What the fuck?

Dude. Holy shit, dude. So I was just... I would, like, sue that guy in, like, small claims court. Yeah, he was retarded, dude. That's... What an asshole.

Yeah, and everyone was laughing at me because I was on the ground. I'm like, fucking... Fuck. No. Yeah, my knee, not again. You've torn it multiple times? Yeah, dude.

You play football? Yeah, I tore it in football and then I was so mad because I was like, dude, this is a rec league softball game. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's absurd.

Yeah. Yeah, that would piss me off. You played football in high school? Yeah, dude. Yeah. How old were you, fat in high school? I i was like 235 that's not that fat it's pretty fat yeah i was like big though dude yeah i'm saying if you're like lifting playing call or playing high school ball yeah it was weird back then because like dude you would lift but you would do

like like five reps yeah then you leave you're the school gym do like five sets. Yeah. Then you leave. You're the school gym. Do like five sets on the bench and just be like, all right, I'm good. Yeah. I'm done. Yeah. I mean,

that's, if you're doing like heavy, it's probably, you're kind of powerlifting or something. I don't know. Yeah. That's all football really was dude. Now,

nowadays I'm doing like higher reps, but back then I just had like this retarded strength that doesn't really exist anymore. But it was like... You were way stronger in high school? Yeah, I didn't really know how strong I was. Well, you're also fatter. I don't think you're 235 now. Yeah, probably like 220 maybe.

Yeah, tiny. Yeah, but dude, I didn't really know how strong I was. And then you had to do football. You had to do a test. And it was like, you had a bench you know, like a hand cleaners. Yeah. And then squat. And then you would total those three numbers up.

Yeah. And there was like the 650 club, the 750 club, and the 850 club. Yeah. So I like benched 240, which was insane. Yeah. They just kept like putting on weight and i was like dude i'm gonna like die yes they were like no i'm just like believe in yourself like 240 and then uh the next was like the hand clean dude i did like 225 jesus dude it was like all arms yeah like

he's yanked it it was in like my form was terrible i basically just like picked it up yeah and like with your spine and your arms it's just like it's for everything yeah and that was insane and then i squatted uh 405 yeah i did like 350 and i was like i was like listen dude like I was like to the coach, I was like, dude, I literally can't do anymore. Like I'll die. And he was like, dude, if you squat 405, you will be the first ever person to be in the 850 club. And I was like, all right, I guess I have to do this.

You have to do it. Dude, I squatted down, and I hit like parallel, and then I was like, I'm going to die. Yeah. And I went a little bit lower, and I was like parallel. Yeah. And then I was like, I'm going to die. Yeah. And I went a little bit lower, and I was like, dude, if you don't get this up,

like you will literally like die. Fall over. And somehow I got it up with like adrenaline. Nice, dude. And it was just like. Did you hurt yourself? No, but the next day I was like,

I literally can't feel. Your leg is numb. Everything in my body was just like, dude dude what the fuck shot but that was when i was like dude wow man like i'm actually a lot stronger than i thought yeah for sure yeah i want to like i've never really i've like maxed out lifting stuff but never in like a real like just like fucking around it doesn't even make sense yeah it's like why well yeah there's no reason to do it other than to be like like, dude, I hit 200 pounds. This is sick.

I mean, maybe for like a test, I guess. But even then, dude, it's just like, just increase the weight on whatever rep range you're doing. Why does it matter? Why do you have to do one rep? Because it's the highest number. It's literally it. That's all you're doing it for. Yeah.

When you lost weight, is that what you were doing? You were hitting the fucking weights, dude? No. doing it for yeah when you lost weight is that what you're doing you were hitting the fucking weights dude uh no i mean i lost weight in college because i had to feed myself and i was lazy and i had to walk everywhere because i didn't have a car and i was in orlando so it wasn't like i could just walk like a couple blocks so i had to walk like two miles somewhere you must do that must be easy to lose weight down there so easy it's so hot dude so hot i'm walking like two three miles every day i'm not exercising i'm just not eating and i'm walking constantly yeah so i got really skinny i was like kind of scrawny yeah and then i kind of got fat again and then i like lifted

weights and ate better dude i had a buddy who moved down there yeah to like tampa nice he was super fat and then he moved down there and just like naturally lost weight. Yeah. Like he was just like, dude, I lose like 10 pounds a day. Because you're sweating?

Yeah. In like the summer too. Yeah. He's like, if I go outside and get the mail, dude, I lose like 50 pounds.

I've like gained so much weight after moving here. Really? Yeah. Just from like eating like shit? Just eating and it's so much easier to get drunk here. Yeah. I drink so much more here really how often do you think i drink like

like four days a week five days a week holy shit what like a lot or no casual i'll have like two beers yeah and get drunk once you drink before you go up on stage or no? Never. Almost never. Yeah. I mean. I hate it. Yeah. I can't do it. I feel like my brain's slower than it even normally is. Yeah. My brain is so slow in general, dude. It's like. I can tell. Oh, yeah.

For sure. I'm just kidding. No, you know. You've seen me, dude. Nah, dude. You're good. You're doing great. Yeah.

I don't have any more jokes, though, dude. Because I'm running out of like fart jokes and jokes and, like, jokes about, like. Like in your act? Yeah. I don't know where I'm going to go from here. You know what I'm saying? You can always move lateral with that. You don't need to, like, expand upon anything.

Yeah, I just have so many fart jokes. Farts are funny, dude. Yeah. Maybe I'll just keep digging deeper, you know? Yeah. My whole hours. Go to shit. Go to piss. Yeah. Come. No one's ever told me that, dude. Maybe you're deeper. My whole hour. Go to shit. Go to piss.

Come. No one's ever told me that, dude. Maybe you're right. Boogers. Tears. Tears would be good. Just fluids. Keep with bodily fluids.

You're right. No one's ever given me that advice before. I think you're good, man. We're all going to make it. Words of wisdom, dude. Yeah, absolutely. If you run out of fart stuff Just move on to shit I just get fucking shot

On stage Yeah like Yeah like Lincoln or something Yeah Go out with a fucking bang Yeah dude that'd be nice Yeah How about you dude

You uh How are you doing with like The comedy thing Are you just I'm chilling dude yeah you know i saw some of your videos i was like crying laughing oh thanks dude the video about the the wet floor sign dude oh thanks that's so fucking funny oh thanks dude yeah i wrote that joke yeah it's true yeah there was it's in daytona it was a fucking funny joke, dude. Thanks, man. No homo, dude. Thanks, bro.

I was like, um, my closer for a long time. Mm-hmm. I used to close on wet floor pussy. Hell yeah, dude. I would write it in my notes as WFP. Yeah. I did it so many times. I kind of got tired of it.

Do you ever feel like there's not a lot going on in your brain? No, I almost feel like there's just the same six things I worry about on a loop. Is it money? Is it my GF? Is it comedy? Is it, you know? That's only three. I can't even think of any more.

There's like three things I worry about. Yeah, you can only think about so many things before it's like. I think about one thing at a time, but it just my brain yeah because i just get uh obsessive that's my problem i can't let go of negative loops yeah you go down like that rabbit hole yeah you just get down the hole dude and by the end it's like and it's hard to talk to people about it sometimes because i'm i'm on like i've gone a to z and i just present them with z and they're like you're insane yeah you know what i'm saying yeah you have like the most extreme solution yeah yeah dude exactly i'll be like okay well you know i just i guess i just have to like quit comedy now

and they're like what and i'm like yeah i just like tiny cupboard's not responding to my dms you know and they're like what i have to quit and they're like you sound insane right now i'm like yeah you're right yeah that's what that's why i am with everything yeah i'm like we just have to kill all of you yeah putin needs to go yeah i need to find putin someone someone needs to go. Yeah. I need to find Putin. Someone needs to die. Yeah. You know? And then what would happen to, knowing me, you know, I'd kill whoever, and then I'd go, I didn't need to.

Yeah. Fuck. I didn't have to do that. Yeah. I always look back. I'm like, you could have just taken it, like, you know, one step at a time. Yeah. You didn't have to, like.

That's my problem, dude. I can't. I'm very bad at taking things one step at a time yeah i have to like that's my problem dude i can't i'm very bad at taking things one step at a time yeah everybody thinks everybody wants things like right away dude yeah and i'm kind of guilty of that too i'm like dude let's just get it now right and of course and you skip and then you end up on you're starting on the book on chapter 37 you're like what the fuck is going on there's no journey dude yeah it's all about the journey it's all about the journey it's all about the journey yeah It's all about the journey. It's all about the journey. Yeah.

I don't like that, though. Yeah, it's not that. I'm a very results-driven guy. Yeah, you have, like, that athlete mentality. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I'm a total athlete, dude. No, I stopped playing sports when I was, like, 14. Really? What'd you do, like, throughout high school and college? Dude, I just fucking jacked off. I was like 14. Really? What'd you do like throughout high school and college?

Dude, I just fucking jacked off. I played video games. Really? I watched like movies and thought I was smart because they were like weird movies. Yeah. And I listened to music that was like, dude, people don't know about this. Wow. People don't know what I'm on right now.

Yeah, you went a different dimension. I was like, yeah, and I did drugs and stuff. Hell yeah, dude. Like what type of shit? Just like acid and mushrooms and weed. I was, dude. Like, what type of shit? Just, like, acid and mushrooms and weed. I was trying to explore the universe. And no more? Are you still doing that stuff?

No, none of that stuff. But now you can look back on it and be like, dude, I was there, man. I can look back and be like, I definitely got high. Yeah. For sure. I for sure got fucked up. That is a fact. Yeah, yeah.

No one can take that away from me. Yeah, dude. You've lived that life. I for sure got fucked up. That is a fact. Yeah. No one can take that away from me. Yeah, dude. You've lived that life. At the end of my life when someone's like, you know, trying to give me shit, I go, well, I did fucking take an eighth of mushrooms my junior year of high school. Yeah. That happened. Yeah.

You did it when it wasn't cool. Yeah. I don't think, I mean, it was less popular. Yeah. And I was just normal, man. 10 years ago, dude, I was munching shrooms, taking acid. Wow, dude, so you were just, like, not even in reality. Yeah, I got too much on it one time.

Yeah. Like, I took acid two times in two weeks, and it was just a nightmare. Like, I kept seeing, like, weird snow everywhere. Visual snow. Have you heard of that? No. It's basically a staticky TV running. Oh, wow.

Like a translucent or transparent. You know what I'm saying? Over everything, there's a film. I would have after images. I've heard that before. The old TV look. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So I had that for a month, and I've heard that before. Like the old TV look. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I had that for like a month and I was like freaking out. A month? Yeah. It lasted a really long time. Holy shit. I still kind of have it a little bit I think. I just fucked you up permanently.

I don't know if I'm like used to it. I think about that sometimes. When you're on acid, do you hallucinate or no? Yeah. I mean you don't see things. You've never taken it? No. You've never done mushrooms?

No. Do you take antidepressants? No, dude. I'm clean as a fucking butthole, dude. Yeah, nice, man. Yeah, take them, dude. Why not? Yeah.

I think you'd like it. Yeah, maybe. Take like two grams of mushrooms. I feel like I just have like too many negative thoughts. Call your mom or something. Yeah, because like my whole thought process is just like the what if game all the time. Yeah. So I feel like if I took.

You can't do that. Yeah, that's all I ever used to do high too. I be oh i hate weed yeah yeah i'd be like what if we fucking drove through that garage yeah with boners yeah and then we would laugh and then someone else would say something like what if fucking yeah i get you dude people fucking hated that too dude yeah i would only get high with people who wanted to do that yeah that's a fun game to play in a car dude if you all consent or something you know you know yeah yeah just get some good food man just chill in the car dude and just yeah what if game that's fun but if you do that on like shrooms i feel like it might like you know you might go down the wrong hole but sometimes you go down the wrong hole and it works out yeah but like dude what if we did this podcast and, like, you were on acid?

Yeah. And I just took out, like, an AK-47 and just shot the ceiling. I don't think you have an AK-47. Yeah, but if it happened, like, what would you be like? What would you do? I'd be like, I got to go. I'm going to catch the bus. Yeah.

And then I'd be on acid on the bus, which I'd be like, maybe I should go back with the AK-47. I'm on the bus right now. This is horrible. Those are the types of thoughts I would have, though, when I was... Smoking pot. I saw that movie Balls of Fury when I was younger with George Lopez. Yeah. Did you ever see that?

The ping pong movie? It's a ping pong movie. Yeah. And there's a scene where George Lopez runs into the dude's hotel room and there's a scene where george lopez runs into the dude's hotel room and starts shooting a pistol at the wall while he's sleeping jesus it was one of the funny that guy is great that main guy i don't know his name but he's in a few comedies i'm like this guy's always good yeah he looks like jack black but he's not yeah he's super funny dude yeah that's such a funny scene to me, though, because, like, if that happened in real life.

You sound like a great guy to watch movies with. Yeah. Because you're just watching, like, you're watching John Wick, and you go, dude, what if this really happened? Yeah. You're watching Harry Potter. Like, what if that, what if Hogwarts was real? I had a real, I had a i have like kind

of addictive personality yeah me too when i was younger i saw harry potter when i was younger dude i literally would like cast spells on people like i'm not even for real yeah i used to actually have a joke about that dude oh nice and dude uh i had my own custom-made wand nice with my name on it and shit dude that's all did you read the books uh yeah all of them dude not all of them but i read up to like the goblet of fire yeah that's when i fell off yeah you know once that's so to jk rowling dude yeah she lost it she lost the sauce there's just too many man no i never read any of them i do they're just they're the best dude you that harry potter's a thing you could watch like today i'd be like that's like, dude, that's a sick fucking movie. Yeah. What if that was real?

Even if you want to, like, jerk off to a dude, like... There's no one hotting. Who's hotting? Hermione, dude? Maybe later. I'm not a big fan of her. Really? No, I think she's not that...

I mean, I think she's a beautiful woman. Yeah. But as far as, like, celebrities to lust for, not my top... Yeah, just play a little more Sharks. Not my top ten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Not my top ten. Yeah, who were yeah. For sure. Not my top ten.

Yeah, who were you looking at then? Who was I looking at back in the day? Just like now. Nowadays, it's like I'm a big Anna de Armas fan. Who's that? I think she's a beautiful queen. She was in Knives Out. You ever see Knives Out?

No. You ever see the new James Bond? Is it like 007? No, the newest James Bond with Daniel Craig, the last one. Oh, no, I haven't seen that. Oh, so she's in like the fucking, like, she's like a Zorro type figure. She's like a lust, like, she has like a black dress and like. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, her tits are hanging out. Yeah, she's crazy. She's insanely hot. What would you do if like a chick like that just like walked up to you on the street and just like showed you her tits? Get out of here. What would you do if a chick like that just walked up to you on the street and just showed you her tits? Get out of here. What are you doing? Scram. You'd say scram?

I'd say scram. I'd go, I'd hiss at her. Really? I mean, if anyone's doing that, they're psychos. I wouldn't trust it. Dude, if you knew it was her, though. Then I'd be like, what's wrong with Ana de Armas? You think so? Yeah. You'd emotionally support her though. Then I'd be like, what's wrong with Anna DeHarmis? You think so?

Yeah. You'd emotionally like support her? No, I would just be concerned. I'd be concerned. I'd be sympathetic. Yeah, this is a joke I'm working on right now. Not to get into like gay shit. You can do your gay shit.

I like your jokes. That's like a good premise though. Like a good joke premise. Yeah. Like if like the hottest chick showed you her tits. Yeah. You'd be like, I mean, I'd have to get to know you a little bit. Yeah.

Maybe go to like Chili's or something. I love Chili's. Fucking love Chili's. I love Chili's. Get the two for 20, dude. Oh, unbelievable. Let's talk about like random shit. Yeah.

I love that. Me and my GF went to Chili's when we didn't have anything to do in Jacksonville, Florida. Yeah. And it really made a town like Jacksonville, Florida. She's from Florida too or no? She's from Louisiana originally. Okay. And then she moved to Florida for work.

Wow. Yeah. Wait, so she lives in Florida? Right now, yeah. Wow. You're doing a long distance relationship. I'm doing LDR right now. Oh shit, dude.

That's tough, man. Yeah, it's tough. Tough stuff. Tough business. You crying tonight, dude? i've cried really yeah to what fucking just missing my gf yeah like what are you listening to though oh what am i listening to just nothing dude just silent dead silent room fuck man that's deep dude yeah yeah usually i'll listen to like the landslide or something that's a great song yeah fle. Fleetwood Mac or Dixie Chicks? Fleetwood Mac.

Yeah. Do you know the Dixie Chicks one? Yeah, I know both of them. I like the Dixie Chicks one, but I love the Fleetwood Mac one. Yeah, it just sounds cleaner. Yeah. For sure, dude. There's a little too much production behind the Dixie Chicks one.

I think it robs it of something. Yeah, yeah. It's like listening to Led Ze zeppelin like the original yeah versus like the remastered yeah versus uh what's that fucking band i hate that band the new one that sounds exactly like led zeppelin you're talking about what the fuck is the name of that band people at home write in send me a dm yeah uh what the fuck is the name of that band it's gonna kill me they i hate them though it's the point of everything is getting ruined man like you think so fucking like they're making like dude they're making a new white men can't jump yeah it's like dude you're ruining i never

saw white men can't jump it's one of the best movies ever dude oh really and they're just ruining it man they're just like maybe i don't know. That just seems like a low bar for something to ruin. The sequels are like. Yeah. The remakes, the reboots, the sequels. Yeah. It's because big studios aren't willing to risk new IP.

So they're like, well, they already like it. Let's just make it again. Yeah. They're taking the easy way out. Yeah. It's like when you repost,

like, I don't know how much stuff you're posting online, but I mean, you're, your Instagram is doing good. Yeah. Just the Instagram. Yeah.

Just Instagram, dude. It's good, man. Yeah. What are you, don't be bashful. Oh, no, I'm not. I'm just being humble. Stay humble, dude. Yeah.

You can be like, yeah, I'm happy about it. You know, you can accept a compliment. I don't know if I am though, dude. What? Bashful? No, I don't know if I'm like happy about it. You know what I mean? Why? Why would you not be happy about your Instagram? I just don't know if i am though dude what bashful no i don't know if i'm like happy about it you know what i mean why why would you not be happy about you just don't like feel it's just like a number dude yeah but it's higher than it means but it represents people liking what

you do yeah yeah for sure it's not just a number if you had 40 would you be like oh it's just a number i don't care that i have 40 followers this would probably be more fun because i just feel like dude no one's no one's listening no one's listening. No one's listening, dude. I mean, you do pretty good on YouTube, too. A few hundred views out there. Yeah. That's solid, dude. Yeah, dude.

It's like you weren't on Real Housewives or whatever. You're just raw dogging the internet. Yeah. That makes me happy that I'm just raw dogging it, dude. You got to raw dog. That's what it is, man. Yeah. It's all natural, dude.

It's all natural, uncut. It's like a full bush, dude. Yeah, full bush, uncircum raw dogging it, dude. You got a raw dog. That's what it is, man. It's all natural, dude. All natural. It's like a full bush, dude. Yeah, full bush uncircumcised. Yeah, dude. You snipped? Snipped? Yeah. Yeah, me too. Hell yeah, dude. I think if I have a son I won't. I'll let him have it.

If I have a boy. If you have a son? Yeah. I think I'll do it. I want to do it myself, though. Yeah? Yeah. With your teeth like a rabbi? Like a reenactment or something. Yeah.

Like when Christ got it done or something? Yeah, I want to make it real, dude. Who circumcised Christ, you know? One of the lambs. The sheep or something. Yeah, fucking Helen Keller, dude. I really fucked his shit up. That would suck, dude. Really fuck this shit up. That would suck, dude.

Dude, we should make a movie that's Helen Keller. Helen Keller raising Christ. Just chopping off his dick. Oh, just the scene of, just the circumcision story. It's the circumcision, but she chops off his dick. Yeah, what would you call that? Blind justice. Probably anal in the infield

anal in the infield dude you know the infield was pissed about those angels yeah yeah they were like yo you can't get help with a ground ball only fly outs or like do we turn two and it doesn't matter? Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. Fuck the outfield, dude. Yeah. Yeah. This is a 6-5-4 double play we're looking at here. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, I'd be pissed if I was playing third and they were, you know.

I don't think that's possible. It's actually 6-5-4. We what? Whatever. I never knew the numbers. I don't know the numbers either. Me neither, dude. I think three is first base. Dude, I played college baseball for like a semester.

Nice. And they would be like, the coach was tapped, dude. Yeah. He would hit like ground balls, like warming up before a game. Yeah. He'd be like, fucking six, five, two. I would literally have no idea. No idea what he's talking about.

I would just kind of look around. Where'd you go to college? Dude, I went to URI. Okay. And then I went to CCRI, which is community college. Yeah. And then I went to Johnson and Wales. John's New Wales?

Johnson and Wales. Johnson and Wales. It's like a pharmacy or... It sounds like one doesn't know Johnson and Wales. J&W? J&J, but it's J&W. Yeah. What's Johnson and Wales? Specifically for whales is that like a catholic school specifically for the fatties it's a it's dick and fat guys it's johnson and whales yeah

is it christian school but they have like everything do you learn how to cook you good cook no i was on the culinary campus though dude and dude. Nice. And there was just, like, yeah, there was a bunch of fucking. Nice and good grub around there. There was a bunch of fatties, dude, who would just, like, leave baking class and shit. Yeah. That's awesome. I felt like I was on, like, Shutter Island, dude. So, just, like.

You realize at the end that you're also fat? It's Butter Island, dude. I was, like, i'm not like these people yeah you're investigating them and then at the end it's like what are you talking about yeah what investigation yeah you get the diabetes test back yeah you're like oh shit yeah you realize your wife killed your children and that you have diabetes yeah that's great well dude um you want to wrap her up yeah we'll wrap her up dude yeah can i plug my podcast is that loud huh can i plug my podcast yeah i was just gonna i was just gonna say dude anything uh yeah thanks for coming dude i don't know if this is like a make-a-wish for you yeah i had a good time too yeah i heard you were dying of cancer dude yeah thank you for coming

dude no it was funny dude i liked your jokes so was like, I'll hang out with that guy. Sounds fun. Yeah, we met at the Pear, dude, and it was emotional. Dude, it was a fucking movie. I looked in your eyes, dude. I was like, I'm going to slide in, dude. Yeah, slide into those DMs, dude. Yeah, dude.

Anything you want to plug, though, dude? Yeah, Rough Week. That's my podcast. It's called Rough Week. Oh, yeah. Check it out. Check it out on YouTube, please. I'll fucking plug that shit in, dude.

Let's go. Hell yeah, man. Let's go.