The Johnny Salami Podcast - Christopher Barnes

Episode Date: March 5, 2025

Christopher Barnes by The Johnny Salami Podcast

I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. Well I love you madly dear, and I need you badly dear. Why did you leave me here, without your love? Oh, I'm hurting. Oh There my levels just get into it man, let's get positive all right Yeah, man, I just been uh, I feel like I kind of lost myself a little bit Yeah, I'm just trying to like Trying to find myself, you know, you ever feel that way

often Really yeah, I do what do you do to get back into it? It's fucking jerk off and shit I was gonna say you have to But you can't fall too deep in that hole Cuz then you do it you then you find yourself in a J. Oh hole and that can sink you even deeper Yeah, but that will help it will get a dopamine rush. Mm-hmm. That's a good first step and then uh, you know Folding some laundry kind of helps, you know, folding some laundry kind of helps. Yeah, it's because you're moving.

I've always thought motion creates emotion. You know, you can't sit and be happy. You gotta do shit. Gotta get out there, man. That's what I'm saying. Go to a play, get into a fight. Yeah. Like, not physical, but an argument with a stranger. Yeah. That's a good one. I've yelled at many people in public. Do you ever do that? I've been in like a few

Confrontations recently where someone's like you can't park there and I'll just fucking make a sound and they're like, alright Yeah, what's the sound that you make just like retard sounds you go? like that I Just say e the And they're like, alright, they don't even like non-violent So if the police get called they can't that's not like an intimidate. Oh, I mean, it's like a full-on retard sound Yeah, like that's how they communicate and shit just go

You can do that with a straight face man, you know like alright, I guess you can park here Yeah, I mean cuz like dude you can't yell at a retarded person I mean you can but that's that's worse than treason dude dude It is worse than tree. Yeah, it really is actually man. I'm pretty sure it's written down somewhere I think it's in one of the old old papers that they wrote down an article I can't even imagine yelling at a retarded person. No, I mean, I Mean you look you kind of look like a dude in a movie. He would yell at like a retarded person. Yeah Yeah, I movie he would yell at like a retarded person yeah yeah I would I look like my

dad's gonna tear down their camp you know to make a ski lot yeah you're the dude he's like you're trying to like make real estate money and you have to like tear it down like an entire special Olympics Institute I have to be like alright yeah and I'm like the hero who's like trying to stop because you're like one of them Yeah, you're like you're the leader like their leader. Yeah. Yeah, and they need you because you're you can Uh communicate. Yeah. Yeah every weekend on like I have the strength of them but also The ability you're like a like a daywalker, you know, yeah, you know

Which is good. Yeah, but uh, okay Yeah, so I'm just thinking like every Friday I go to like a town council meeting and like I'm like they can't do this to us. You're advocating. Yeah Shirt on backwards and then like at the end of the movie I just feel like you'll probably end up tearing it down, but there's some sort of like happy ending But what's the where's the love interest? That's the real question. Cause it needs to be, you need to like steal my girl. That's what it goes down. Yeah. Like fuck your girlfriend.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it would be funnier if like you and your girlfriend had a kid and it was retarded. Is that the twist at the end? It's like 10 years later. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's... Yeah. Your kid's like throwing javelins the wrong way. Yeah. That's for the sequel. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's your kids like throwing javelins the wrong way. Yeah, that's for the sequel. Yeah But you're like fully supportive of him, yeah maybe be like you ever see um

Bruce Almighty. Yeah, and then they made Evan Almighty So they took like the villain from Bruce and then they like made him like the star of it so maybe in the sequel I'll be like the good guy now because my son yeah they did that with like the karate kid too yeah they do it a lot it's a good it's a good style of see yeah you gotta splice things up and you can't pay for the lead because you'll at this point your crew will be taking off yeah I could be able to bring you back. Unfortunately for what's the name of this movie? I don't even know. Like special Fred, special Fred, some shit.

Yeah. Yeah. They don't really make much movies about like special needs kids anymore. No, they made that one with, um, I can't even remember Knoxville. Oh, are you talking about Jackass? Do you, do you know the one I'm talking about or no? the ringer Do you know?

Isn't that like a horror movie? You're thinking of the ring No, the ringer Different movie entirely. No, the ringer was a movie that Was where Johnny Knoxville? Oh that was where Johnny Knoxville, oh yeah, he like, there tends to be a special needs so that he can like join, the plots vary.

Yeah, great movie, I loved it. He joins Special Olympics to like win, and he doesn't, well he doesn't. And he's not very good honestly, but like, you know, that's that. And then there's also other movies. Yeah, I mean they had like the water boy. Yeah What's collect pineapple Falcon or some shit? I don't know that one

Oh, what about uh, it's with like Shia LaBeouf and there's like some Retarded duty meets and they become like best friends dude, and I fucking bawled my eyes out dude. Oh, it's sad There's like a scene with them by like They're like on a dock. Oh, I've seen that. Yeah, and there was hard on Instagram reels randomly at 3 a.m. Yeah, I balled my fucking eyes out dude. Yeah, it's like a critically acclaimed movie, too. So it's like You know, yeah, I mean like when a special needs kid says something that makes sense. It's like Can't do anything but cry. Yeah It's like, you can't do anything but cry, man. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's such a rare occasion. So beautiful.

But yeah, man, they don't really make any special needs movies anymore. They don't really make any movies anymore, unfortunately. But it's like, you do so much with it, man. Yeah. There's a lot of it. There's somewhere there's some Hollywood director that's just like, keeps trying to get his counterparts like, there's a lot of it. There's somewhere. There's some Hollywood director. That's just like keeps like trying to get his counterparts

Like there's so much here. We gotta Make more of these types of movies. Yeah. Well, they probably think it's too offensive, dude Like if you made a movie where it was like, uh, it was like NASCAR but with like special needs kids Like a talladega nights, but it's all like retarded people. Yeah, I Mean that would that would fucking crush the box I think a lot of these movies I think if you just put a bunch of things in a hat and pulled out topics and themes I think you could have a hit movie for sure dude yeah you don't really even have to try honestly nowadays to uh the budget could be very low. Yeah. We're talking thousands of dollars.

Have you ever seen, I don't know if it was like Dune, I don't think it was Dune. It was one of those movies where it's like they're harvesting like fucking anal weed. No, no I haven't. You sure this was a movie? Yeah. And not a dream you had? Okay, okay. It was like um. Anal weed?

Go ahead. Go ahead. They're like harvesting wheat, but it's like a wheat, yeah. Okay. Like the agricultural revolution type shit. But they like combined it with like modern day like sci-fi.

So it's some woman with like double D's and she's just fucking like killing aliens and shit Who are trying to like take their like their fucking crops? Haven't seen because like their crops power their fucking boners and shit I was blackout when I'm trying to like explain It's so hard to explain. Yeah, it was one of those Netflix original movies Oh, you know they have recent movie. Yeah, you know they have the Netflix originals Yeah, and they're always like wicked dramatic. It was one of those but there was two of them

but yeah, dude, this chicks like I don't know she was like Guatemalan or like But yeah, dude, this chicks like I don't know if she was like Guatemalan or like Fucking Caribbean or some shit dude, but she was so fucking hot. Yeah, and she's just dressed in like Tight leather dude, and she has a sword. That's like 12 feet I wish I remember than it dude you'd get fucking rock hard watching it. I bet the first one was great I think they made another one and it wasn't great, but didn't live up. I think Michael Bay, maybe. No, I don't think Michael Bay made Transformers, right? But this dude, the reason I brought it up, because this dude who made the movie was like showing people how they can make their own movie with like an iPhone. And he was just like,

like showing people how to make everything like more dramatic than actually is yeah, I just thought that was so funny Do you know those I love I missed those mid-tier budget movies, dude? I mean this honestly probably took out at least ten villages to fund this movie This is like where all our tax pair of money's going it was yeah, yeah, we're talking like Todd like Transformers level like, you know, yeah probably didn't use any CGI either That's probably all practical effects that cause more money. They said the woman was like the tight pussy and the leather she like Brawn shit and fucking sword like they said she was doing all her stunts, but like by herself Wow Just sliding in a third base. Do just chopping heads off

This fucking sick, but and she's just like get away from my anal wheat. Yeah Well, I think originally she was raised by the evil people. Okay, and they I don't know if she escaped Yeah, then she defends the like the would you even call them like fucking people who grow crops? farmers? I guess that would be offensive. Is that I guess villagers? Okay. They had like some special name form in the movie. But okay. Yes, she fucking just fucks dudes up man. Like it's it's it's so unrealistic, but you're like this is insane great You know what I mean? Yeah, I was movies where it's like one person just killing like 13 people at the same time

It's like a one thing and just 18 heads go flying off. Yeah with like a fucking number two pencil. Yeah And is there any like Technology wise in this movie or is there like does anyone have a gun? Or is it like a futuristic world where the technology is like not dude It's like you think it's gonna be like hand-to-hand combat But this chick uses like her sword is like a fucking 12 foot dildo that can like shoot laser beams and chop people's heads off Can do like anything Wow, so it's like totally sci-fi Yeah, you know, but it's like

Too much sometimes. Yeah, it's like let's comment down a little bit Like if she just put a dude in a headlock and tap them out, I'd be like, that's fucking sick I punch one person. Yeah, but you punch yourself in the face Yeah, fuck man, but Let's keep it a little. Bring it back to reality over here. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Fuck, man. But I don't know. Shit like that, dude. You ever seen fucking Den of Thieves, dude?

No, I heard. Tell me what the plot of that one is. Dude, the first scene, it's like a shootout for like 20 minutes. And to this day, it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. OK. What does it take place? It's and to this day. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life It's like

Literally like it's a shootout at a fucking gas station and these guys have like Automatic assault rifles and the cops come and without hesitation. They just start lighting up the cops Yeah, just lighting up anything in sight and you're like, alright like this will end in like a few seconds And it just goes on for like 20 minutes. Yeah, and by like minute 10. I'm like crying Yeah, this is fucking sick dude, you know what I mean? Yeah, I do I kind of like that though I kind of like a movie that just has no real plot, but just action Yeah, you know what I mean? Do you are you able to watch like action films with your girlfriend or is she kind of like? upset I

Think we are able to watch action movies together, but I like I like war movies. I like Vietnam war movies. Okay, you know, I like watching stuff like that and She's not crazy about like gory violence, you know But I like that type of stuff, you know Did I uh, I mean that's pretty good though. I remember I had a girlfriend she like wouldn't uh, it was like years ago, but Any like sort of action movie we couldn't watch Really and that made me so upset you guys I love like a fucking Steven Seagal film or some shit like that. I'm trying to get jazzed up, you know

Drink a monster Yeah, just pretend I'm in the movie but That's so gay when they just want to watch like rom-coms about some fucking dude named brad who like fucking finger bangs chicks Like come on dude. Yeah, that guy's a douche if you met him in real life. You'd be a fucking ass. What? Yeah Yeah, you know ghostiness. I no way he's fucking tipping people. Yeah, you know she uh No, she doesn't we like to watch a lot of like documentaries and stuff about fucked up stuff or uh

Just weird movies and stuff, you know, we actually don't watch a lot of rom-coms Honestly, if she was homeschooled, so she like doesn't know about the world. Okay the time Yeah, does that explain things to her? Why was she a homeschooled? She grew up a fundamentalist Christian Oh shit, so they were like preparing for the government to Take over I think I'm not really sure what how did that like turn out? It's still prepping. I don't know where it's staying. I mean, they're probably pretty happy right now Yeah, honestly things are probably trending in more their direction. I would say yeah But I think in the 90s like people were like really afraid of

Like, you know, you know, like Waco siege you're familiar with that or no Yeah, like that they grew up in Texas so that happened near them. So I think there's a lot of fear of the government like imposing Something over religious people so they were like we're taking and also like fear public school education stuff like that. Yeah, so Were they a part of the Waco community? They got out now They suck out last minute. Yeah, right as they were fucking grenades popping off shit. They got out of there No, no, they weren't like that. They weren't in like a cult or anything like that They just were like we're gonna homescored a lot of people do that in this country

They're like we're gonna homescored children, which you know, I don't know if I would do that first of all You know, I don't know if I want to be around my kid that much. Yeah, I love my kid, but I mean education wise yeah, I mean education wise you're probably raising a more intelligent kid But it's like dude, you got to get out there and see some fucking tits. You got to see it. Because that's like the only reason kids are going to school really. Right. Because there's such a threat of getting shot. I think back when I was a kid, I was

going to school, but now the children now, I will, I like salute kids as they walk past me. Yeah. And all those guys in their head their head they're like I'll fucking dive just to see a pair of tits yeah that's all life really is man it really is I would take a fucking bullet to the tits to see tits you remember the first day of school dude yeah like the the momentum leading up to that? Like what you're gonna wear? You kinda get to see who's in your class. And if it's a chick with fucking beanbags, dude, you're rolling.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I was never lucky though. I never had hot chicks in my class. No, I didn't have hot girls in my class either. I kinda felt like they were doing it on purpose. I think I was in the dumb class. Oh really? Yeah, I mean you look like a smart guy though. I I'm smarter now when I was a kid I I wasn't dumb. I just didn't care about school at all So that came off as me being dumb, but I just was like now I was like

I'm just I don't fucking care about this did they think you were retarded or just kind of like lower tier They definitely thought I was stupid. They put me in resource room. You know that is Is that for retards? It's very close teetering. You're like right there, baby. You're like one level up. You're like, yeah, you're just Outside of that. Okay, but you go and like if you're taking a test they give you a little more extra time to take it I wasn't dumb. I just like Could not care. Well, I literally was be taking tests. I'm just like I just I'm just like big think about cool stuff like hell Yeah, doesn't that make you kind of dumb though? It does Yeah

Yeah, like this kid's stupid. He can't pay attention but also like it was boring. Yeah, I feel like now I'm pretty smart I watch a lot of YouTube video essays. So really? Yeah, I never like Yeah, I was always in like average level classes. Okay, but I was like that I had multiple teachers who thought I was legitimately retarded. Yeah, like no Joe They would tell other kids they would ask if I was okay. Oh Yeah, an adult woman would go because I wouldn't say anything like the entire year. I would just kind of sit there and like think about like just contemplate the meaning of life and shit. Yeah. But dude, one time in

English class, like one of my teachers asked like one of my friends, if I was like mentally all there and my friend told me about it. And I was just getting like I got kind of upset dude. And this was like an English class. And do we were reading a book called the things they carried? Okay, it's like a war book. And it's like really emotional and shit. Yeah. And like my teacher was like going around the class, like picking on people and telling them to like, read out loud. Yeah, like share with the class like picking on people and telling them to like, yeah, like share with the class and what they carry. Oh, like on a day to day basis, dude. So people are getting wicked emotional dude. And no joke, I raised my hand. And like he asked me what I carry. And I yelled at the top of my

Literally go these big old balls Emotionally unloading this class the virgin tears four or five people go the this the tone is set very sad. We're opening up and then you just fucking Spiked on the moment. Did you get any laughs? Dude, he he laughs like laughs cuz I was like the first thing I ever said to him. Yeah I mean dude people were the people at my table were like You ever see someone that's so confused. They don't know how to react. Yeah

My friend dude who told me like like you thought I was like retarded Like he couldn't like process what had happened and then he just started laughing for like the whole class The funniest part was I didn't get in trouble Cuz I felt like he kind of knew that I found out but also that's also the thing if you're just if you're so funny You get over the bar Yeah, like it was such a good punchline that he was like it's so hard. He was just like I can't The funny thing is is that if you're in trouble he would have to explain to other people what you did and The only response to that story is just laughing

Even if he told his wife at the dinner table, she'd be like she'd be pretty fucking good pretty good. You know I mean yeah, we had a Did you have like a circle challenge day in your high school? Is that for a special needs kids it sounds like it is but it's not challenge challenge day Yeah, it was like some events and stuff No Like some events and stuff. What's up? No It was like there was actually an MTV show based on it in like the early 2010s and it was like The show was called if you really knew me and basically they would take That they would take they go to a high school and they take all the bullies and all the kids getting bullied and they'd lock

Them in the gymnasium for a full school day Yeah to fight now. Um and they would uh, they would like you do like fun games with each other and like do some bonding at the end of it they'd Like break the walls down and you had to like Tell people all your deep darkest secrets and like really bond with each other You know, so a recipe for success. success. Obviously would you go to school? I know I pussy town. Uh, but where was it?

Um, I grew up in long Island and, uh, this town called garden city, garden city high school is where I went. All right. And, um, so like they didn't, we didn't have enough, well, we had bullies and we had kids again, bullied, but that wasn't enough kids. So we had to start bringing in other kids. So they were like, my English teacher was like, do you, if you want to go this? Challenge day thing. I'm like not only do that they go well You get a day off from school just to like go and do this. I was like, alright, I'll do it cuz I'll go

Yeah, just not do anything good. It was a lot of fun until The end of it where like we're playing games all day and you know the food they give us free food and then they're like All right ever in here like this is a picture of an iceberg an iceberg they only show you 10% of it but there's all this below the water line that people don't know yeah so they were like you're gonna get into small groups and you're gonna tell each other things you would never tell anyone right so I didn't like I went I was in a group and I had to go first, which is like never go first, never go first. Yeah, worst thing you could do. I went first

and like I didn't really have like, you know, I've had a pretty good life. I'm not trying to brag. My life's pretty good. And I didn't really have anything to like, emotionally a load on. So it was just like, you know, I, I didn't really have anything to like emotionally a load on so I was just like you know I uh I Didn't make the baseball team You know that was my big baggage and then the next person goes and it was like a teacher at her school and she just goes I've had seven miscarries. Holy shit Kidnex them

Confessed to being molested It just got as it went just got worse and worse every person like someone like confess having a massive drug addiction like and Then and I was like, can I like go again? so like go again. So everyone confesses their deep darkest secrets. And then like at the end all the bullies and all the kids getting bullied like we started hugging each other and we're like and they did speeches they're like I'll never bully you ever again like we're friends things are different now. Dan within a week it was back to normal now with

the ammunition everybody's deepest darkest's deepest, darkest secrets. Oh man. It's the worst thing you could do in a high school. Oh man. Yeah. That's fucked too. So how many people were there? It had to be at least like 25% of the whole class.

So maybe I want to say like 75, 80 kids. So you were like kind of shouting it out. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel bad. I'm like, I wish I made something up. That's tough, man. I got touched. Because if you got molested, you're probably like a quiet kid. Yeah. And you got to yell that. Yeah. I got molested. Yeah. Yeah. It was not. It was

not a good idea. But do they did something like that? When I I got it. I went to the University of Rhode Island nice During the orientation they put all the kids in like a huge auditorium And they did the same thing where they were like Here's your chance to like come out with like your deepest darkest secrets and like show strength Yeah, and they lock the doors and kids one at a time just started coming out of the closet, dude And they lock the doors and kids one at a time just started coming out of the closet, dude And I was literally I couldn't breathe dude. I was laughing so fucking hard

It was so fucking funny, dude. Yeah, you know Dude so I'm like in tears Cuz like these dudes who you would never thought were gay You're like sitting next to a guy like hey am I in love with this kid like he's a chill bro. He comes out. Yeah Like dude were you the only one in that room not gay? I was the only one laughing Dude people were like crying and shit was such an emotional bubble man to him and afterwards I asked my boy who like went there like he was he went to school there Yeah, he was like a sophomore and I'm like dude when you like did orientation Do you have to do this thing like or like you just had to like express like your deepest darkest secrets?

And he was like yeah, dude, like I got kicked out for laughing I was like, oh shit, like I thought it was just our class, but they're just doing that every year. Kids are just coming out of the closet and shit. It's a good way to like, yeah, they're like, let's just, you're in college now. Yeah. Be who you are.

That is tough though, man. To just put someone on the spot like that and be like, just tell me like, your darkest secrets, dude. I remember, yeah, when I went there, dude, they do something like that in communications class. You had to do like a presentation about like a hardship you experienced. Yeah. And I smoked a shit ton of weed my freshman year. And I was

always like burnt out and shit. And I like wasn't prepared for the fucking speech dude. And I literally there's like a white board and I drew a big circle and I was like, this is a hockey rink. And I was like, when I was three, I'd like signed up for hockey. And the first thing I did was skate right into the boards. And like, like got knocked on my ass. And I got right back up. And everyone in the class was like dude how much fucking weed do you smoke dude? Like chicks would talk about like an actual hardship that they experienced.

Like their father dying. Yeah like having like full blown AIDS. Yeah. Why'd you grow these girls had full blown AIDS? Fresh in Europe. It was a diverse class man. Everyone had like shit that they were dealing with yeah, you know Some people came from like third world countries and shit and I was like, yeah, I skated into a fucking hockey board

But I and then you were like, but I got the fuck up. Yeah, I told everyone I got back I was eight seconds long dude when I was like three or some shows like five I think I had to be like five or six, dude I signed up for hockey and I had a fucking sweatband dude. I'm like fat Ray know one of the boards and I tried getting up and when I got up I couldn't see dude cuz the sweatband was over My eyes, dude, so I just started panicking when I got up I couldn't see dude because the sweatband was like over my eyes dude so I just started panicking I was just like swinging the stick and like somebody had to grab me and like fucking take my helmet off and shit and I just quit hockey right I could have played hockey like you know I could have been you just could have been something you just got spooked yeah and that was the story I told in front of a fucking

class dude they were just like this kid's retarded, bro. You know? And they applaud you because they're like, wow. Yeah. That's been brave of them. It's crazy how we can like tell dick jokes in front of like hundreds of people, but when it comes to like being like serious, it's like, holy shit, man. It makes you very uncomfortable to do that.

Yeah. I always struggle with it. I also think that if you're able to do that just like willy-nilly, you're probably a psychopath, right? and you're probably not being actually vulnerable. You're probably manipulative, right? Able to just be like yeah, I'll tell you when I think I'll just tell you my secrets in my motion. Yeah, like Easy psycho. Yeah, it should be hard. There needs to be a barrier of entry I think we're just talking about shit the like actually matters like tits tits and boners and shit and they're talking about like fucking shit that doesn't even matter do like serious shit PTSD and

Trauma yeah, whatever. I think it's just we're like more passionate about like balls and wieners Yeah, like we can just talk forever about it. Mm-hmm. I mean, that's what we're doing right now. So it's like right now, you know That's right. I'm sure to take a piss dude. I mean, that's what we're doing right now. So it's like right now, you know, it's right. I'm gonna take a piss dude. I'm sorry. No worries. I need to go to a doctor or something man. So I pissed like every 10 minutes. But really? Yeah, I used to get like insecure about it. But now I'm just like color. It's pretty fluid man. But it's good. I've just been like more accepting of like telling people I have to

piss instead of fighting through it. But you're gonna fight through that. don't do that Yeah, I'm gonna go this man. I Do feel better now, dude I feel reborn man. She got to go again. You fucking get done in say they just get up and leave Right in like the middle of like an emotionally invested like story when I'm opening up to you Yeah, you just get up don't look at me walk out the door pee with the door open Yeah, I want to hear it, and I want someone to hear you kind of pee on the floor

And okay, not wash your hands and come back. Yeah, I mean dude. I'm not really good at washing my hands to be honest Yeah, I'm thinking about like fucking gross my hands are dude. Yeah, you know, but I just pissed so much It's like I don't want to keep washing my hands. He's also pretty sterile. Yeah, so like Wash them every once in a while. Yeah, probably good. Just go get bit by a fucking Jellyfish and tell some chick to piss on my face, dude Imagine you're just That's like a guy who just love getting peed on by women you say you just ran up and down down the beach and you were just like,

jellyfish just took my face, please. You need to pee on my face right now. There's probably dudes who like rent out Airbnb's and just head to Cape Cod for a week just to run it up. Yeah. Probably play that song too. Yeah dude.

I mean, I don't blame them. Do you getting pissed on by a chick to that song would be it's real You know what song I'm talking about Now what's on? Oh? No, I don't it's called run it up How's it go by like little Taj or something? It's like the most gangster song ever dude little Taj You should fucking peel out in the parking lot to it after this Peel out in a parking lot. Yeah, I don't know if it's a little Taj or like little to JJ Is it is it wait a few years ago?

No, I really know man. I just listened to her at the gym sometimes when I'm getting after it And I feel like just fucking pulling out my nuts Like it's one of those songs where you're just like, damn, dude, I could fucking. I just want to fucking look like balls out right now at the gym. Are you hitting the gym hard, dude? You look like a. I'm trying to get back into it. I'm actually going to go after this.

You look like you have like good genetics, dude. I mean, I'm just tall. No homo, man. Thank you. Appreciate that. I mean, you have a girlfriend genetics dude I mean I'm just tall no homo man thank you appreciate that I mean you have a girlfriend dude like yeah I got a girlfriend but that was just with my my personality you think so yeah I feel like that's what she wants you to think dude yeah I mean no I'm not that good I've been rejected by far too many women to think that I'm good you think that's why you're here now from like all that failure yeah I honestly do think that you need to... You need to just get a bunch of nos

and a bunch of nobody texting you back and get away from it. You know the worst is when I would go up to a girl in the bar and I would like try talking and they wouldn't even look at you. Holy shit. So you're just talking to yourself? Yeah, you gotta be like, Hey!

And they don't even like look at you. So then you have to like be like... Okay. And then walk away. Yeah. You ever do that? No. You ever approach women? You ever talk to women?

Not really man. I mean dude fucking I did a spot like a few like a week ago in Long Island where you're from dude. Yeah. It was in Comac. It's pretty far out there. I don't really know where that is but yeah yeah they were like the shows at X Golf and I was like what the fuck dude. Nice. But yeah man usually I'm just like playing with my nuts before shit like I said and Yeah, they were like the shows at ex golf and I was like what the fuck do you guys?

But yeah, man Usually I'm just like playing with my nuts before shit like I said and stuff and just thinking about like dicks and shit Yeah, and like titties and fucking ass and shit. Yeah And Dude, but I like I don't know what came up man Like one of the chicks that work there she had like the uh the polo on it said like ex-golf And I just started talking to her man, and I was like pretty much crushing it you're crushing it, but I wasn't really being myself Yeah, you can't really be yourself when you're trying to impress people. Yeah, exactly, dude But that's why I was crushing it because I was like yourself. I was like, oh like you play golf and she was like

No, I don't know anything about golf and in my head I was like, oh you're a piece of shit then like you work at a you work at X golf and you know nothing about I was like, oh, that's like pretty mighty of you, you know I was like, what do you like to do and like she like we're just talking about like gay shit and stuff Yeah, and I was just like damn dude. I'd love to like slurp on this chicks titties saying like Dude so Like the host is like all right you're up next and she's supposed to be running like the drink stand or whatever Yeah

And I go up there to do my set bro And she I see her come into the room and close the door behind her just to watch my set and dude I bombed so fucking hard and after every joke is just complete silence and I just remember looking to my left and just seeing her in the corner just looking at me thinking it like she thought I was gonna fucking murder do you know what I mean the confidence of man who would yeah just got there and fuck bombed my fucking oh, dude It's fucking Nagasaki dude like I bombed my fucking tits off It was one of those bombs where it's like I don't think I got a laugh

Or like the only laugh he gets when like you reference how badly you're bombing you ever do that Yeah, like the only laugh I got was when I was like, oh you guys are gonna like this next joke and then big laugh Yeah, it was a lot of like rich white people. I feel like I don't know that area But it kind of felt like that. Yeah Long Island can be like that. There's some pretty nice neighborhoods. There's also some pretty you know There's some jet ski people I call them Yeah, or people people like to have fun like to get fucked up like to fall off a balcony really, you know Long Beach you should go to Long Beach and do a show

I don't know about you man, but I feel like I'm a man of the middle class I feel like I am too because they're they know they have a sense of humor dude I just feel like rich people just do not They're not vibing with it rich people don't like to laugh. There's nothing funny about being right. Yeah, what's what's funny? I mean they might laugh at like a fucking Like a village blowing up or some shit, but they're not gonna laugh like a lot of rich people just like to watch the drone Strike footage at night. Yes laughs. The only thing that gets them going and they get some going sexually. Yeah Yeah, it's the only way they can keep a wrecked is I mean I could probably get one off to a drone strike Yeah, I mean they're especially the black and white footage ones. Yeah, I really know what's going on. It's kind of like shapes, you know

You'll see two for you. You'll see two mushroom clouds and they'll just think of tits Yeah, you ever play modern warfare 2 of course you get that chopper gunner. Oh, I could get hard to that dude in a second Yeah, dude, just getting fucking kill after kill. Nobody has anywhere to like spawn nowhere to run Yeah, you get like you get into a game It's like some dude is like fucking he's about to get a nuke It was not fun just end of the game Yeah, you know and you could say they could save it to remember that they just be like, all right I'm just gonna keep killing people until yeah

But yeah, man, I just feel like the middle class like dude like Sometimes I go to like nice areas like every time I go to long island like this is so nice Yeah, but then I went to an area in long island and it was like kind of a shithole and I was like upset But I was like at the end of the day like these people probably have a better sense of humor Then they'll probably like you more the rich people Just I don't even know why they do comedy shows a lot of time They just want to see people to embarrass themselves. That's the fun for them. They don't let the show They laugh in the car at home. They go would you believe those people? Yeah fucking pussy trying to perform and follow their dreams. Yeah, you know

But yeah, dude, that's tough. So you just ate it in front of this girl. Did you even try to? Get slide back in you're just like I'm not never afterwards I was like oh maybe like she like feels bad for me or something maybe she has like some empathy for me yeah and dude she wouldn't even look at me she was talking to some like rich white guy he was like definitely trying to get out that yeah he was probably look at that fucking pussy dude you know yeah that's why that's why comedy is so hard because people get to see us do our jobs, you know, and it doesn't always go well. Yeah, you know, do you have like an agreement with your girlfriend where it's like you don't watch each other?

No, we watch each other perform. And I think we've seen each other bomb enough, which it's like when we first started dating, I was worried that she would see me bomb and then like, that'd be it. You know. But luckily, I like I bombed and then she still was like, yeah, cool with it. That's probably funnier than you doing well, to be honest. Yeah, it is funnier than you doing well. But yeah, I think it's It's when you're single and you're trying to impress people bombing is real. I mean Did you just like you drove there to the gig? I did. Yeah those shows are afterwards It sounds like you drove home radio off just the silence of the road

You know, it was one of those things where uh Like I said, man, I'm trying to find myself again It was one of those things where, like I said, man, I'm trying to find myself again because I live in a community that's all Asians right now. I think I'm the only white guy here. And the move, I think it just kind of like took a part of me away. So even when I was up there on stage,

I was just kind of like blacking out. Like I just felt like I was in like a cloud. I felt kind of schizophrenic in a way, dude. Yeah. You know? So you like the new neighborhood, is that what you're saying? It is. It's more peaceful, man, than like, I mean,

where you living now? I live in Williamsburg now. So you're probably seeing some crazy shit, like day to day. Yeah. I mean, I live right near the BQE, the highway that runs through Brooklyn. And I've seen some pretty crazy car accidents within the one month I've been there. Yeah, does that get you going? It does, kinda dude. I mean I put them on my Instagram story and those get some numbers when I put them on there so now I'm like chasing the high of that.

Yeah. Anytime I see some crashes I'm putting that on there. Is your place kind of like revealing do you have any windows and you can like jerk off in front of and shit we have it's actually kind of unfortunate like my new apartment um we have a balcony and like a window which is nice unfortunately the balcony is is facing the like internal shaft of the building you know do you know what i mean yeah Sometimes buildings have just like an airway shaft to allow air to flow in.

And across the air shaft is the bedroom of the hot girl who moved in next door, and we do not have curtains in our living room. So she just gets to like watch us in our, and we vice versa, we get to like kind of watch her, but she has curtains. Are you living with dudes still? My buddy Nate. Oh, yeah, you jerking off like in front of the window. Not yet

Not yet. Actually, I feel like in my bedroom or pretty high up. Yeah, so I kind of feel like No way. Nobody's looking up. Yeah I've never jerked off. I think I jerked off in my aunt's pool once. Or like I tried to. Into it from standing above it into it? I think I was just at that age, dude, where you're just constantly spanking. And she was just like, do you want to like go swim?

I was like, yeah. And I was just like alone. And I just tried as a pool dude I think this kind of goes back to that vulnerable like sharing things like secrets this is by the way at your college orientation everyone's coming out as gay when I was seven I jerked off in. Yeah. It would have been more like three weeks ago. Three weeks ago, I jerked off in a pool. I was going to say, like, when you brought up the curtains, I was like, damn, dude, I've never jerked off in a scary place.

I've never taken a chance, but I definitely have, for sure. Yeah. Have you ever spanked in a space where it's like not acceptable yeah I'm pretty much anywhere I slept you know anyone you liked anywhere besides the bed yeah tents oh man car car Dude I think you jerked off while driving no I Was I think I was sleeping in my car for some reason I forgot. I think it was I it was a night out So I I used to like drive to the towns that would go out in on Long Island But I didn't want to drunk drive so I just sleep in my car that night

Yeah, and then wake up and drive back to I just sleep in my car that night. Yeah. And then wake up and drive back to my parents' house in the morning. She was jerking off hammered. Yeah, so I was like probably drunk because I'd make myself a bed and throw the seats down and like make a bed out of beach towels. Yeah.

And just sleep a little drunk in the trunk. And I'm sure I, Oh man. I'm sure I, you know. Yeah. There, that was done. That's gotta feel pretty intense, man. Jerking off while driving, especially if you're hammered I know a guy who used to tell me used to do that. Yeah

I know I know a woman who said she she's masturbated going down the freeway. It's easier for them Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I can't put myself in their shoes, but I can imagine I don't know. I can't put myself in their shoes, but I can imagine Yeah that I know a guy who would drive and jerk off I don't know I just can't I'm too when I'm driving. I'm like, I can't be checking mirrors while I'm drinking off, you know Imagine getting pulled over. Yeah Hammered with a cum stain. Yeah, you get shot. I think you're reaching for a gun Imagine that and they're just like he was just jerking off. Yeah, you're wearing fucking sweatpants. Yeah, like what's that in this fucking?

Don't even I think that's what I would do if I knew I was gonna go to jail and I was like hammered and just finished fucking jerking Off the police when they come to get you I would just like reach in my pants. They'd be like put your fucking hands This is you you getting sentenced to jail after a trial Reaching down and they're like the judge is like hey, hey stop it hit her. Please stop him and he's like he's he's jerking up You know, I mean if I knew I was gonna go out at hundred percent, you know, yeah But dude to get away with it to get that dopamine rush Going 80 on the highway fucking spanking and you shoot one off And you just know you're get home safe. Oh, okay. I thought that was the end After you should have load you just hit a highway in back

Fucking explode You know That would be great. Yeah, you just fucking crash into like a fucking petroleum truck you fly into the Ruin a family. Yeah, you know The news they were like, officials believe the man was jerking off while we have camera footage from an easy pass told local man causes genocide. I mean, dude, they do press conference. I mean, dude, we believe must have been jerking off at the time of the accident. All indications from the wreckage and the remains indicate that this man was jerking off in his final moments on this planet.

Do you know how hard it would be not to laugh at that news report. Oh, yeah Jiggling you know Just see some dude jerking off and like an oh one Honda Accord It's a fucking petroleum truck dude, there's like a huge explosion And then they go from that to like playing like landslide with all like the victims yeah every town had to have a memorial you know That's like on Long Island like I always talk about this but like where I grew up Where would you grow up? I don't even know Rhode Island, which everyone says is pretty similar to Long Island, but it's really not like On Long Island like the people there. They just have like a weird relationship with 9-eleven

and like every, we all do, but like, they just love to like, bring it up and throw it on stuff. You know? Really? Like they just love to like, self-deprecate? No, not self-deprecate, but like, like I'll do some like on Long Island, they have something called the polar plunge, right?

Where in the winter they raise money or jumps in the ocean in February and like it raises money for something right but on all the logos They just got to throw on a giant World Trade Center. Just be like never forget Oh, wow, you know they just really like to put it in every town They have a look there's a memorial for 9-eleven like every 12 feel long out like every toffee then they take wreckage from 9-eleven like a little I beam and they just have it in a fucking concrete Cylinder it's sticking out of the ground. They're just like never forget look what they did, you know Yeah, and that's kind of like what's gonna happen with your car wreck They're gonna have to take a little piece of your car and put it in every town something so funny about that

Yeah, You know, they would like do that at my, at like my middle school, they would play, they would put up like fucking like nine 11 highlights. It would literally be like, it would be like here without you by three doors down. And then it would just like be people like jumping out of the twin towers. And it's like, like dude how am I supposed to keep a straight face right now? You know yeah like 9-eleven is not funny dude but like you can make it funny it's it's the most insane thing that will ever happen in both of our lives and probably the lives of multiple generations from now

Yeah, just so crazy. It's so crazy to think about that that happened. Yeah fucking nuts It's crazy that every dudes thinking about that too when they're trying not to come. Yeah You know, you're right. Actually literally no, it's the best way. That's all I'm thinking about is a middle school like highlight video Which people jumping out of the building like fuck yeah? Yeah, dude, and it works man. It does work like it just like that and like I don't really know what else Compares to that a lot of people do the grandmother naked thing yeah, there's gonna be Yeah A lot of people do the grandmother naked thing. Yeah, they're just gonna get hard. That's a problem. Yeah, some people.

That's what they love. Yeah, we had a kid in my middle school. We had like home room. It was like the period before you went like to class. There's like a moment of silence for 9-11. Yeah, some kid fucking ripped ass, dude. He got in so much trouble man that like you kind of like the only reason you got he didn't get away with

it was because it was 9-eleven that's unfortunately yeah yeah I think he got detention for like a whole month I should have to explain that your parents. Yeah, I mean it was so fucking funny though, dude, cuz he was so quiet Like eight in the morning They would like do it at the time of the first Collision so it was like 843 a.m. Oh wow. They would time it up so we know like when it started. But man, ripping at that moment. I think we've all thought about doing that.

Yeah. But by God, good for him. Dude, if I were him, I would just play it off. I'm like, listen, I have intestinal issues, okay? That I'll never forget about, all right? Yeah. I would just yell never forget Never forget yeah

Yeah, dude did they ever have like the Columbine dude go to your He's gonna come in and be like hey, he was fucking there and it was not fun So any of you and kids out there or thinking I'm gonna fucking make them pay don't do it I mean not only is that guy he probably got so much pussy man Well think about you say that but like yeah, he did he definitely did but now like everyone everyone survived a mass shooting now Well, he's like one of those dudes that will go on like a fucking he'll basically like to us his road journey is like him Just going to local schools Hanging up like a 50-foot projector. Yeah playing like Columbine highlights and just talking about it I mean obviously like he like he's right I he is like it's insane amounts of trauma

Yeah, dude, but it's like the amount of fucking pussy. He's probably getting to make up for it a little better. Yeah Hopefully not from the people at the high school Yeah Yeah, it's so hard like dude somebody ripped ass during that He just knows yeah, he's like never gonna not be in detention yeah We had we didn't have a Columbine guy we had this woman so like they were really stressing AIDS to us You know were they stressing AIDS to you now AIDS wasn't too big. I don't think they were too concerned about now They were really coming down as hard about AIDS. Is there any like was there a big AIDS epidemic in Long Island? I don't maybe honestly

Well, there's a lot of people there. So probably you know in the 80s There's probably a lot of AIDS there, but like they would bring this Gross woman in every year just gross woman. What does she look like? Get like homeless person outside of a gas station. She's fat. No, she was she had AIDS Outside of a gas station who she fat no she was she had AIDS Or at least HIV you can't be fat with a really you can Wow, because that's if you eat stuff the AIDS eats it I think that's scientifically what it happens. Oh shit It's like a worm. No She was she come and like just

Gross us all I mean every year we had the assembly three years in a row and she would come she'd always be sick You know the yeah, she was be coughing. She was caught she was like oh, but she was also like I Definitely think I saw her smoking outside the fucking bill. I was like I think they just got a gross woman Yeah, like I I had the AIDS she's like one of the launch ladies. Yeah She's like yeah, they just give her an extra 20 bucks to do the AIDS assembly so she'd come and like Like she would just tell this whole thing. She's like I I was like

17 and I had anal sex with the trucker now this disease, you know something gross. She got it from anal Yeah, she got from me and She was just like it's awful I couldn't like these and she's like a, these young girls, they come up to me and they tell me that they're having unprotected sex. And I go, honey, you're gonna get it. You know? And so in the assembly every year,

she was so gross and off putting that like four people would faint. They would be dragging them out like. Holy shit. You know, up the aisles. She must have been a good public speaker then she was great at what she was doing Yeah, definitely being underpaid for her services for sure. They were definitely paying her and fucking cigarette fucking tip from an ass Yeah, but she did it was effective. I was so afraid of getting AIDS

Really so afraid did she like did you know how it was transmitted? Yeah, I can't I still barely understand how it's transmitted. It's like through the blood and come anal Is but it's not actually if you're if you have a cut up If you both have a cut up thing You know what? what You can't get a's for anal. You know you can but it's it's not about what orcas is about uh, anal?

No, you can. But it's not about what orcas is about the having an open like blood blood needs to get the blood. So like my bloodstream needs to get in your bloodstream. So really, if you just have a cut on the side of your peepee, and then she's got a cut on the inside of her and those cuts line up and then there's enough flow of you think a lot of the cuts originated from just like blowing ass. Yeah.

Well, it's easy to cut what they would tell us. And I'm now thinking about what I learned. Uh, the, the, the anal, uh, lining, and I'm sure this is what you want to talk about, uh, uh, what is easier cut. Cause it's not really meant to take, uh, that type of like magic Johnson was doing. Right. He was having anal with other dudes. I thought he'd just bang a lot of chicks. I don't know man Mac Johnson's crazy. He had full bone AIDS and just was like totally unfazed by it

Yeah, fucking and still gained that he probably I mean he probably has some connections, dude. No. Yeah, he got well It's just like not an issue now. I don't know if you're aware of that. Yeah, there's like a there's like a cure Yeah, we kind of low-key cured if you're aware of that. Unless yeah, there's like a there's like a cure. Yeah, we kind of low key cured AIDS with like vitamins and stuff. So yeah, it's kind of like died off. Yeah, you don't if you're dying of AIDS now is like kind of like, I've got a legend. It's like polio. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, fucking legend. Yeah, like, dude, they had a

fucking AIDS house next to my high school. What does that mean? It was like a kind of like a it's just a household with just people with AIDS Like a halfway house for people with AIDS. Yeah, I think that was like their community house and we would always walk by and yell AIDS But do they would like they would always be on the front deck like smoking cigs and they just look like the fucking shittiest people ever. Yeah. You know, so you didn't really like feel too bad for them. It wasn't like an emotional. Would you make eye contact with the LA AIDS? Would you see them?

I mean, I'm sure they heard us, dude. They had like a big deck out front. They would always rip cigs out there. Yeah. We were in high school, so we'd be like fucking you know oh dude you know what was called it was called the house of hope there was not a lot of hope in there you can see it there was not a lot of hope no but we walked but you walk by there all the time ZL AIDS is right next to high school dude as bored. It's interesting though

I wonder what the like are they just in there to like to feel some sort of like false. Hope I Have to imagine They maybe are getting some treatment. They couldn't get some more. I don't know. I mean it was a shitty house I don't think there's any like medical supplies in there. Just kind of look a cheap place to rent. Are you familiar with like what a hype house is? Or what the hype house was just like it's like a tick tocker house where all the tick tockers get together Is this the house in LA? Yeah, I don't know if it I don't know It's like the Japanese dude who like formed a cult or some shit. No, this is just like Probably some like marketing CEO did it but like they would just get a bunch of like young tick talkers,

with followers and like, there's like the Netflix documentary thing together. And so maybe that's what that was going on with AIDS House. Like maybe we get them all together and they can make a super aid. There's making tech talks back then. Yeah, they're just making tech talks with the aid. Yeah,, wonder what like you do like with me like cuz like AIDS isn't like You know invisible you have to tell someone you know I have AIDS yeah, so That's interesting man to just like live in a house With everyone who has AIDS well, I mean just to feel a sense of like community AIDS. Let me tell you that much

Yeah, maybe it was like a whorehouse. Maybe it really was just for banging Cuz you can yeah, it's kind of like with herpes a little bit. I imagine people that have herpes Might want to date other people have herpes and there's no chance of spreading herpes to some I've never even thought about that dude Yeah, wow Yeah, you know Maybe that's just what it was man. It was like a big whorehouse Yeah, they were trying to get after it Any type of group kind of scares me though, dude. Yeah, you know like CrossFit is scary, you know

You're been like a CrossFit gym. It's like I don't like it dude. I I don't it just looks wrong It looks like it's it's gay dude Flipping a fucking tire. There are a lot of hot chicks who go there though. Yeah. No the new thing is What's it called run club run club? Yeah Like orange theory or I think I saw you were in like one of Dan's episodes, right? Yeah, you fucking crush it, dude you know when they reach out to me they were like we wrote the perfect role for you and I'd one line. I didn't even have a line. I had one word. Holy shit. And my word was uh, they go Do do work in finance and I said yeah

That's my whole line. Damn and then uh, and then our biggest contribution to that was uh, Me and caroline are our blonde hair blue-eyed Perfect people. Yeah, the proper race. No, just kidding. And we thought it'd be funny if we would like kind of like do a fake kind of like a little salute, like a funny little thing. You know, so we did that for the shoot and then the episode came out right as like,

you know, that was kind of people were starting to do that again So great timing on our part. Oh right after the Elon thing, right? Right, like literally week after the Elon thing our episode came out. Oh shit both like doing the thing But honestly, I had fun doing it was a good it was a good shoot Have you participated in like an actual run club? I mean you have a girlfriend so wouldn't really make sense. I just don't Why do I want to I don't want to run I don't want anyone to see me run Yeah, I mean I've seen you run you have seen me run. Yeah, I didn't like that. Did you see me?

No, I probably was in the zone listening to music. I like to yeah, I mean I was with Bob dude We saw you run by I wish I saw you did It was like middle of the summer though. Do you look look fucking in the zone dude? I was definitely in the zone. Yeah, what were you thinking about dude? Do you usually I listen to music and I just like it looked like you were fighting demons man Yeah, I probably was like yeah, I listened to stone-tubble pilots and I like to just like Fucking I don't know how if you work out you visualize like some scenario Uh-huh, but I like to do that because it's the only way I can because if I'm like thinking too much about the act of running I just I'm kind of like I don't like this. Yeah, that's what I've been doing at the gym, dude

If you have like an excuse to get mad you can just be bi-article Yeah, well even after like bombing at that Long Island show like I was ready the next day to just fucking blow my calves out. Yeah. Just fucking tear my hamstring in half. You know what I mean? Are you a loud guy at the gym? You make a lot of noise.

No, I wear a hoodie though with sweatpants. See sweat. And I have to get an aggressive sweat going before I work out for some reason. Not only does it feel better, but I just feel like it kind of looks cooler. You know what I mean? I have it now. So do you to get an aggressive sweat before you

work out? Do you do just like sit with a lot of layers on? Are you like going to the sauna? Are you? No, I just wear a hoodie man. And then I'll go on the stair master for like 15 minutes. I just have like a borderline heart attack. And then I just get I just get into it, man. That's great. You know, but people at my gym kind of fucking piss me off

Okay So I kind of use that to like fuel My uh, what do they do to piss you off? Walking funny. I want to lift in. I mean, there's a guy goes my gym dude. He just looks like a fucking fag Yeah, not like an actual gay person like just like an an actual fucking shitty fuckhead. Yeah. And dude, two days ago, like, I was walking to the gym at the same time as him and he saw me behind him. And he didn't hold the door for me. So the door is kind of like closed on me. And it was

the first time in my life where I wanted to just like walk up to him and be like, dude. Let's fucking throw down Like I know you can do that. I mean you can do that in some states I think like Seattle you can just like mutually be like dude. Do you want to throw you? Yeah, it's almost like a hockey fight like you can be like let's let's fucking go right now You know and the police cannot stop us not if it's like mutual if you're both like on board with it Okay, so This guy I'm picturing an older guy No, he's probably like five years older than me kind of like a gay fucking beard and like a shaved head

He just looks like a fucking pussy dude. He's one of those dudes man We're like you'll be working out and he'll get really close to you and it's like dude Are you trying to fuck me right now? He gets in your he's trying like big dick you and shit Yeah, and I'm like dude. This is my circle, bro. Okay, isn't it? Let me just be alone for a little bit I'm here to be alone. Like just let me have my moment You know, I think you got to fight this guy. I do I'm thinking about it I don't even want to fight him I just want to take one of those fucking wooden fucking sticks to the gym and shove it up his ass while he's stretching, dude

fucking wooden fucking sticks to the gym and just shove it up his ass while he's stretching, dude. Yeah, I should like that though, dude. But it reminds me of like the fucking Jordan like, uh, yeah, we're just like using everything. Yeah, he's like and I took the smallest slight dude. It helps so much someone. Yeah, you know, literally. I mean Jordan would like if you don't hold the door for him He'd be like I took that personally and I'm gonna fucking annihilate you exactly

Destroy you for you. If you don't have that though, dude, it's such a boring life yeah, I think rivalries and Like I was talking before about how I fight or not fight a yellow people on public that gets me going Really? I like to yell at people Because I do think most like I feel like as a society We need to overcorrect we're not overcorrect But there's a lot of behaviors that we're just letting people get away with yeah, because there's no Consequence for that and I really want people to know that I hate them for what they did Wow

So you're actually yelling at people. Yeah, I yell at people Holy shit, i'll start shit with people Not out of nowhere like they'll do something shitty. Yeah, someone cuts me in line. They're not not hearing me Yeah, i'm telling them off. Holy shit, dude. I'm telling them to get the fuck out of my way I don't even know you were capable of this like type of behavior. I screamed at an old woman at cosco one time because uh I screwed at an old woman at Costco one time because She was Lolly Gaggin on her phone as we were walking to Costco. She had a cart very narrow entrance She's going so slow. She's on her phone. She's taking one half a step at a time. Mm-hmm

And I'm like, you know, I'm getting up behind her I'm not like bumping her but I'm like trying to let it know that I'm behind her and She kind of feels my presence behind her and she turns around She goes you need to slow down Yeah, and that Unleashed me. Holy fuck. I was like you better move your fucking old ass in that fucking Costco Oh right now. I'm and I just went off on her. I feel bad because That Costco is a person is just like check your IDs like to make sure you have a membership

That guy couldn't even he couldn't even ask me he he just had to be like alright like he's watching a guy who's six foot four scream at a woman, but she was a Terrible person. Yeah, do you change her what you think you changed her? Um, no, unfortunately in New York people are very stubborn Yeah, and they're really locked in their ways changed her? No, unfortunately in New York people are very stubborn and they're really locked in their ways, but I feel good that I gave her a fight. And honestly that was a very, it was just really the way her attitude.

One time a woman on the road, I was driving, she rolled down her window from the driver's seat, my girlfriend was in the car too, from the driver's seat, rolled down her window, spit over the passenger seat and hit my window of my car and then drove off. And then I fought, I, I, we were supposed to go somewhere. I turned off the GPS, followed her for about five miles down the highway, just high beam and high beam and high. Oh shit. I can really just get, that was a wild, uh,

high baby, like finger banging somebody. Yeah, that's how I high beam Yeah, my car. Oh shit Damn, actually high beams are actually Effective way to piss people off than a horn just yeah, no cuz high beam gets in your mirrors. You're a little you're a little Do you ever get scared though about like I don't know they had like some fucking movie about road rage Yeah, and someone like keep shooting me and kill. Yeah, like Doing everything it takes to kill you Just like hunting me down. Yeah, I'm sadly I relate more to the guy who's doing the hunting

But um, that'd be such a sad death though meant to die in like a road rage action. It would suck. I Definitely don't want to die that way. Usually I cool off. I usually cool off. Like after a little bit, I'm like, all right, this is stupid. I was really trying to get them to crash. Not me. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like they kept trying to like line up with me and yell at me. I was really hoping they just rear end somebody. Um, but yeah, I, uh, I do think about that a lot, But I'm also like, generally, I'm very tall. So if I'm outside of a car and I'm yelling at someone, I feel like I have this security of threat. You know what I mean? Like people don't want to fuck with me because I'm just a big fella. Yeah.

So they don't even want to start. Although, crazy people don't care about that type of stuff. They don't, yeah. You gotta be careful. Yeah, I feel like if stuff. They don't yeah, you gotta be careful Yeah, I feel like if you're gonna fuck with people you gotta be ready to go all-in dude Yeah, like if you have to murder someone dude, you just gotta do it now jerk them off to do whatever it takes What is like that's how I feel man? It's like if we're gonna bang we're gonna bang. They were going to strain anal. I'm not fucking You know, I mean like I would not like if I was mad I would not say anything

I would just start fucking jerking off and throwing fucking haymakers do It's actually very funny that this guy you're talking about the gym one day He's not gonna hold the door for you again. And then yeah, you're gonna follow him to his car You're gonna take your penis out and your balls and then just have it hanging He's gonna be like is that guys is that penis and balls and by the time that information reaches his brain? You're already laying on a nice punch knock myself out, dude Just throwing uppercut at my fucking face. He just he goes

And then you just punch yourself in the face and then you're just lying there unconscious Well, do the other thing is like some of these dudes will get so close to you at the gym And it's like dude, I'll fucking make out with you Like I'm not like homophobic whatsoever. Yeah, like dude, I'll fucking This like gay sex is a I mean like dude is a threat to most people no joke. Did I was doing a What does it called like not fucking kegels, but uh yeah, I think that is what you mean I was doing like

Fuck what does it call? We're like on all fours and you like you're like kind of reaching all you have to know is that I was on all fours Yeah, and this dude hops up on the fucking like like pull-up bar And basically is like tea bagging me and there's like a bunch of other pull up bars next to those. And I'm like, bro, I'll fucking suck you off. I'm not I literally stood up and just started stretching right in front of them. I was like, like making eye contact with them. I'm like, dude, I'm not gonna do this right now. You

know what I mean? Yeah, I'm not gonna let you just fucking teabag me I'm like, I'm not gonna go away. Yeah, cuz that's what they want. It's like a territorial thing with those guys They're like, oh, this is my fucking area. It's like no dude like make out with me first right now How do you think people would respond if you did do these things? You just started sucking this guy's dick. You think would go whoa. I mean, I wouldn't go right in a suck and I'm off, but I'd be like dude you want to fuck And immediately Yeah, dude dudes are so homophobic especially in Queens like Greek dudes do not they don't fuck All right, yeah, that's all you have to do is say some gay shit, and they're gone dude. Yeah, you know I mean

That's so true, but they're so like retarded bro, they're so retardedly like Territorial like it's insane. It's like watching like a fucking like Ice Age Fucking movie. Yeah, I mean like you're just like each other. Yeah, it's like dude like what the fuck are you doing? Like we're at a gym. You know, I mean like you work at fucking u-haul like You know I mean like you work at fucking u-haul like It's just like so confusing how they're so passionate about like getting attention in the gym and like Owning certain territories, you know, I hate that shit. It's so gay, dude

Taking pictures of themselves in the mirror I don't really care about that shit cuz it's like you're openly saying hey, I'm gay yeah Like you're open about it. You know I mean like you're honestly like hey, but yeah these guys are so they have like so much pent up like You know Gayness and it's right. She's come out. Yeah, and you're just walking around going. I'll suck I'll fucking jerk all you guys off fucking one word. Yeah, I'm're just walking around going I'll suck anyone's dick right now. I'll fucking jerk all you guys off. Fucking one word. I'm sucking your dick. Blow bang.

Blow it out. Yeah. I'll take all of you at once. I don't care. Circle up boys. Yeah. Get the mats out, alright? Yeah, dude.

Alright, we will wrap this up, dude. Okay. Thank you for coming, bro. No problem, dude. All right, we will wrap this up, dude. OK. Thank you for coming, bro. No problem, dude. It's nice talking to you about fucking. We talked about a lot of stuff. A lot of jerking off, man.

Like, I wanted to not talk about jerking off, but it just kind of happens, man. Yeah, I feel like the energy of the room just kept bringing us to center, and center was jerking off. Yeah, man, you just can't force things. You just got to follow your heart, dude. And I just feel like that's where it brought us. You know? But yeah, man, you said you have a new podcast. I do I have a podcast called. No, thanks

We're good at Barstool sports with my very funny co-host Caroline Vanowitz. Oh, you do work for Barstool No, I don't work for Barstool. She works for Barstool, but the podcast is with Barstool. Okay, so she's just kind of going there I'm fucking just doing it for free for them making Dave a bunch of non money, but You know, it's a good pod. Yeah a couple episodes in it's just you and your girlfriend's me and Caroline Oh, wow, we talked about all that we don't talk about jerking off nearly as this is nice for me I get to let loose a little bit. Yeah, maybe that's what you need man I think we might have to bring that into the top bring that energy to the next episode man We don't really talk about AIDS and jerking off and and and jerking off while driving and causing a massive car accident Which yes families

So like you know you're not gonna find that type of stuff on there, but maybe some other cool stuff Yeah, yeah check that out man. Yeah And then yeah, man anything you want to like shout out your Instagram or whatever for the people, dude. Yeah, dude, follow me on Instagram, at Curse of Her Barnes. I make some pretty, what I feel like to be, funny sketches. Yeah, funny sketches, dude. Hell yeah. And then also, if you want to come see me do stand-up, I'm going to be headlining The Gutter in Williamsburg on May 2nd. God is good, dude.

Yeah, so, some good stuff there. Fuck yeah, man. yeah man yeah yeah thank you guys for listening if you haven't listened I just moved into a new place in Flushing Queens and it's all Asians and I did that so that I could still do the podcast. I have no money left. But we still have the podcast, so please, please support me. I have no money left. This is all I have to live for. Can't emphasize this enough.

So please support me in this time of need. And thank you guys.